Roderick on the Line

00:00:00 ◼   ► hello [TS]

00:00:06 ◼   ► I John hi Merlin how's it going again [TS]

00:00:12 ◼   ► where you who i just did the thing that [TS]

00:00:22 ◼   ► I do which is no I have a thing to do [TS]

00:00:24 ◼   ► who and I stayed in bed until absolutely [TS]

00:00:29 ◼   ► the last minute and then I got on a bed [TS]

00:00:31 ◼   ► and I can hang on sat down [TS]

00:00:33 ◼   ► it's also good because people it makes [TS]

00:00:34 ◼   ► it harder for people to track your [TS]

00:00:35 ◼   ► movements that's true that's true unless [TS]

00:00:39 ◼   ► you're tracking my movements by looking [TS]

00:00:40 ◼   ► in my bedroom window even still if you [TS]

00:00:42 ◼   ► i'm guessing you probably throw away the [TS]

00:00:45 ◼   ► covers and just jolted out of bed [TS]

00:00:47 ◼   ► that's right whoo that's right and I ran [TS]

00:00:49 ◼   ► past the thermostat on my way and I went [TS]

00:00:52 ◼   ► to you and I turned up the thermostat so [TS]

00:00:55 ◼   ► that by the end of this podcast that [TS]

00:00:57 ◼   ► would be warm in my house [TS]

00:00:59 ◼   ► John your life hacker there's no [TS]

00:01:00 ◼   ► question about it lifehacks you hack [TS]

00:01:03 ◼   ► hack your sleep you've had your waking [TS]

00:01:05 ◼   ► you've had your stats as we say what I [TS]

00:01:08 ◼   ► haven't hacked is preserving batteries [TS]

00:01:11 ◼   ► in little blues driver that's sitting on [TS]

00:01:13 ◼   ► the floor then i just noticed has been [TS]

00:01:15 ◼   ► plugged in all night i sent the heavy [TS]

00:01:17 ◼   ► guy with the harmonicas batteries did a [TS]

00:01:20 ◼   ► blues driver yeah it's uh yeah that's [TS]

00:01:24 ◼   ► got a best friend Monica mr. girl [TS]

00:01:27 ◼   ► no ma'am where I I went to I went to one [TS]

00:01:33 ◼   ► of his concerts because i knew a guy who [TS]

00:01:35 ◼   ► was his keyboard tech and after them [TS]

00:01:40 ◼   ► after the show we went on to the blues [TS]

00:01:43 ◼   ► driver tour bus and it was I think there [TS]

00:01:49 ◼   ► were 22 buses maybe 14 mr. blues driver [TS]

00:01:53 ◼   ► and one for the crew [TS]

00:01:54 ◼   ► there's a there's a separate popper [TS]

00:01:56 ◼   ► mobile there's a popper but i don't know [TS]

00:01:58 ◼   ► i'm not sure i forget i forget i didn't [TS]

00:02:01 ◼   ► actually meet him but I met his whole [TS]

00:02:03 ◼   ► band and crew and on the bus they had [TS]

00:02:07 ◼   ► more kinds of marijuana they had [TS]

00:02:10 ◼   ► Tupperware containers with like 20 [TS]

00:02:13 ◼   ► different kinds of pot Wow and they were [TS]

00:02:17 ◼   ► headed to Canada the next day and the [TS]

00:02:20 ◼   ► tour manager was saying you know it [TS]

00:02:23 ◼   ► talking about the plan and very [TS]

00:02:24 ◼   ► matter-of-factly was talking about the [TS]

00:02:27 ◼   ► fact that they needed to stop & Belling [TS]

00:02:28 ◼   ► him and rent a hotel room for all the [TS]

00:02:31 ◼   ► pot and guns and they're just going [TS]

00:02:35 ◼   ► they're going to leave the Pottinger [TS]

00:02:36 ◼   ► hotel go to Canada and then come back [TS]

00:02:39 ◼   ► the next day and get the pot of guns you [TS]

00:02:42 ◼   ► really need a manager you can think that [TS]

00:02:44 ◼   ► stuff through for you because you're [TS]

00:02:46 ◼   ► smoking so much pot yeah you're gonna [TS]

00:02:48 ◼   ► want to hit that border be like oh shit [TS]

00:02:50 ◼   ► and pot and guns shotguns so and that [TS]

00:02:54 ◼   ► was you know that was a long time ago [TS]

00:02:56 ◼   ► that was 10 or 15 years guys I think I [TS]

00:02:59 ◼   ► think in fairness the the Blues driver [TS]

00:03:03 ◼   ► kai has lost a disturbing amount of [TS]

00:03:06 ◼   ► weight [TS]

00:03:07 ◼   ► well he got the stomach stapling I think [TS]

00:03:10 ◼   ► it still counts [TS]

00:03:11 ◼   ► does but I've been no I i think i think [TS]

00:03:13 ◼   ► well does it [TS]

00:03:15 ◼   ► your such as if it's a form of body [TS]

00:03:17 ◼   ► hacking I guess it does but I I think he [TS]

00:03:20 ◼   ► gained the weight back to then these [TS]

00:03:23 ◼   ► about his up-and-down fluctuates a lot [TS]

00:03:24 ◼   ► that sucks [TS]

00:03:26 ◼   ► it does not hurt yeah you know it's a [TS]

00:03:29 ◼   ► sometimes it just seems like you're [TS]

00:03:30 ◼   ► destined to have a certain you know he [TS]

00:03:33 ◼   ► got the beard Shape face i think some [TS]

00:03:35 ◼   ► people are destined to have like a [TS]

00:03:36 ◼   ► certain body shape you know yes I [TS]

00:03:39 ◼   ► believe that that is that's medically [TS]

00:03:40 ◼   ► documented but I've met people who are [TS]

00:03:42 ◼   ► like big body people they work out [TS]

00:03:45 ◼   ► constantly they lose like every ounce of [TS]

00:03:50 ◼   ► body fat they've got on them and then [TS]

00:03:52 ◼   ► they just they just look like a like a [TS]

00:03:54 ◼   ► tan canoe like this looks wrong [TS]

00:03:57 ◼   ► let's waste you know what I mean like [TS]

00:03:58 ◼   ► with somebody they just don't look right [TS]

00:04:00 ◼   ► this it doesn't you don't mean it looks [TS]

00:04:02 ◼   ► like that's healthy in some ways right [TS]

00:04:04 ◼   ► and i don't know i don't know one way or [TS]

00:04:05 ◼   ► another but pear-shaped person should [TS]

00:04:07 ◼   ► remain pear-shaped and not not tried to [TS]

00:04:10 ◼   ► become a peanut-shaped person with the [TS]

00:04:13 ◼   ► top hat and cane [TS]

00:04:16 ◼   ► yes God has made us in all the many [TS]

00:04:19 ◼   ► splendors ways and we should celebrate [TS]

00:04:21 ◼   ► every every one of our differences I [TS]

00:04:25 ◼   ► totally agree they are cause to [TS]

00:04:27 ◼   ► celebrate Merlin not cause to not just [TS]

00:04:29 ◼   ► one big drum circle [TS]

00:04:31 ◼   ► yes yeah one planet do you think mr. [TS]

00:04:34 ◼   ► peanut even explore any other lines of [TS]

00:04:36 ◼   ► work before he came like became like a [TS]

00:04:38 ◼   ► professional professional cannibal you [TS]

00:04:41 ◼   ► know I have to think that mr. peanut was [TS]

00:04:43 ◼   ► actually a Titan of industry [TS]

00:04:46 ◼   ► otherwise how would he dress that way [TS]

00:04:47 ◼   ► and be so cocky he seems pretty fancy [TS]

00:04:49 ◼   ► now and then you know that actually mr. [TS]

00:04:51 ◼   ► peanut probably rose up that probably [TS]

00:04:54 ◼   ► came to prominence during the the era of [TS]

00:04:56 ◼   ► the peanut haha there was a you know in [TS]

00:05:00 ◼   ► American history and era where the [TS]

00:05:02 ◼   ► peanut was really the ascendant legume [TS]

00:05:05 ◼   ► still to the end of his days he spent [TS]

00:05:10 ◼   ► every day wondering will George [TS]

00:05:12 ◼   ► Washington Carver be around the next [TS]

00:05:14 ◼   ► corner we make me into something a [TS]

00:05:17 ◼   ► little too interesting [TS]

00:05:19 ◼   ► yeah i mean Jimmy Carter was a peanut [TS]

00:05:21 ◼   ► farmer very classy and a nuclear [TS]

00:05:24 ◼   ► engineer alright of course on submarines [TS]

00:05:27 ◼   ► that's right i think he was a submarine [TS]

00:05:28 ◼   ► I think he was actually like an engineer [TS]

00:05:30 ◼   ► wasn't on submarines and a peanut farmer [TS]

00:05:33 ◼   ► em you know a man of many talents and [TS]

00:05:38 ◼   ► also of a man of it of a lost era o a [TS]

00:05:42 ◼   ► gentleman a gentleman that's right [TS]

00:05:44 ◼   ► cavalier you know I am I don't start [TS]

00:05:47 ◼   ► whole thing first of all I have to say [TS]

00:05:49 ◼   ► I'm i realized about 10 minutes ago that [TS]

00:05:51 ◼   ► I my daughter has given me a slow-motion [TS]

00:05:53 ◼   ► cold oh it's finally just officially [TS]

00:05:56 ◼   ► became a cold like two minutes ago war [TS]

00:05:58 ◼   ► boom warm mouth tastes funny i'm sorry i [TS]

00:06:02 ◼   ► don't like that phrase family farm [TS]

00:06:05 ◼   ► tickets i think it's a red herring [TS]

00:06:08 ◼   ► mm that's what if your family is really [TS]

00:06:10 ◼   ► really fucking rich [TS]

00:06:12 ◼   ► oh I see what you mean you know what I [TS]

00:06:14 ◼   ► mean yeah doesn't see when you say [TS]

00:06:15 ◼   ► family farm you think of something from [TS]

00:06:19 ◼   ► is the dustbowl photographer guy you [TS]

00:06:22 ◼   ► know you think of like a family farm you [TS]

00:06:25 ◼   ► think of like non pas cattle out there [TS]

00:06:26 ◼   ► and they're in there 10 rib shack right [TS]

00:06:29 ◼   ► you know the water with a bar Drake [TS]

00:06:31 ◼   ► right wind blowing you have 40 acres and [TS]

00:06:33 ◼   ► a mule [TS]

00:06:34 ◼   ► yeah exactly are you hearing the term [TS]

00:06:38 ◼   ► family farm used in a disingenuous way [TS]

00:06:40 ◼   ► where corporate overlords are [TS]

00:06:43 ◼   ► masquerading as family farmers I yeah [TS]

00:06:47 ◼   ► yeah yeah well I mean you know I don't [TS]

00:06:50 ◼   ► follow the stuff closely but I think [TS]

00:06:51 ◼   ► it's one of those I thought terminating [TS]

00:06:54 ◼   ► clichés aswell says you know it's one [TS]

00:06:56 ◼   ► of those when you say family farm but [TS]

00:06:58 ◼   ► you cannot not to say anything because [TS]

00:06:59 ◼   ► it sounds like you're going after the [TS]

00:07:01 ◼   ► guy with the with the overalls right and [TS]

00:07:04 ◼   ► you can you can be a you can own your [TS]

00:07:06 ◼   ► family can own a lot of very very large [TS]

00:07:10 ◼   ► stinky ballooning yucky farms listen [TS]

00:07:13 ◼   ► this is the thing about a thing about [TS]

00:07:16 ◼   ► sort of a central ohio western Ohio and [TS]

00:07:20 ◼   ► it's also the thing about central [TS]

00:07:22 ◼   ► Germany and Bavaria like they're in [TS]

00:07:25 ◼   ► those places the farmers are the richest [TS]

00:07:28 ◼   ► people in the community beyond the most [TS]

00:07:32 ◼   ► land right well beyond the most land but [TS]

00:07:34 ◼   ► also it's very fertile land and and over [TS]

00:07:36 ◼   ► the course of of hundreds of years they [TS]

00:07:39 ◼   ► they built up those properties so they [TS]

00:07:42 ◼   ► have these beautiful barnes and you know [TS]

00:07:44 ◼   ► like multiple big houses but but also [TS]

00:07:48 ◼   ► like the crops that they're growing our [TS]

00:07:51 ◼   ► are expensive and amid the farmers are [TS]

00:07:54 ◼   ► the prosperous conservative burgers of [TS]

00:07:58 ◼   ► the of the community and growing up I [TS]

00:08:01 ◼   ► guess in the eighties I had this same [TS]

00:08:03 ◼   ► idea that the that farmers were like [TS]

00:08:08 ◼   ► hard-working hardscrabble people to be a [TS]

00:08:14 ◼   ► not certainly didn't pity a farmer but [TS]

00:08:17 ◼   ► you you know you felt a lot of common [TS]

00:08:20 ◼   ► cause and American empathy with a farmer [TS]

00:08:23 ◼   ► they were the salt of the earth etc [TS]

00:08:25 ◼   ► and you go to these places where the [TS]

00:08:29 ◼   ► where the farming is good and you [TS]

00:08:32 ◼   ► realize like Oh farmers are farmers can [TS]

00:08:35 ◼   ► be the real Cadillac drivin like kind of [TS]

00:08:41 ◼   ► fat cats of a particular place and in in [TS]

00:08:48 ◼   ► both of those communities that part of [TS]

00:08:50 ◼   ► ohio in that part of Germany the ones [TS]

00:08:52 ◼   ► that I that I know the farmers are the [TS]

00:08:55 ◼   ► political obstacle to you know to change [TS]

00:09:00 ◼   ► and the farmers are the social obstacle [TS]

00:09:02 ◼   ► to change and they're they're [TS]

00:09:04 ◼   ► conservative and and not at all like [TS]

00:09:10 ◼   ► John Cougar second on a chili dog [TS]

00:09:13 ◼   ► somewhere they are you know they're [TS]

00:09:17 ◼   ► they're wearing three-piece suits white [TS]

00:09:19 ◼   ► living three-piece suits even yeah well [TS]

00:09:22 ◼   ► I want to stimulate out there's anything [TS]

00:09:23 ◼   ► wrong with being successful and having [TS]

00:09:25 ◼   ► lots of money [TS]

00:09:26 ◼   ► oh my god no no no oh we should all be [TS]

00:09:29 ◼   ► billionaires and just like mr. peanut [TS]

00:09:31 ◼   ► there's nothing wrong with that it's [TS]

00:09:32 ◼   ► it's something about that word family [TS]

00:09:34 ◼   ► where it's becoming the last maybe 20 or [TS]

00:09:36 ◼   ► so years 25 years also since definitely [TS]

00:09:39 ◼   ► since sometime post Moral Majority maybe [TS]

00:09:43 ◼   ► but definitely work it's because I think [TS]

00:09:46 ◼   ► something may be about the george HW [TS]

00:09:49 ◼   ► bush era it may be in my head that's for [TS]

00:09:51 ◼   ► family started become this heavily [TS]

00:09:53 ◼   ► charged word you know about family [TS]

00:09:56 ◼   ► values whether something is family [TS]

00:09:59 ◼   ► friendly family and businesses likes a [TS]

00:10:02 ◼   ► walmart family family farms like the [TS]

00:10:06 ◼   ► ones that own giant you know parcels of [TS]

00:10:08 ◼   ► our great United States it's nothing [TS]

00:10:10 ◼   ► nothing against that it's just that it's [TS]

00:10:12 ◼   ► a family is one of those cop out words [TS]

00:10:15 ◼   ► were like once you say it it ends the [TS]

00:10:17 ◼   ► conversation because now you're talking [TS]

00:10:18 ◼   ► about the family dude [TS]

00:10:19 ◼   ► well and it's it's the I think it's the [TS]

00:10:21 ◼   ► the corollary to the way that urban [TS]

00:10:25 ◼   ► became synonymous with black it becomes [TS]

00:10:30 ◼   ► euphemistic family is a euphemism for [TS]

00:10:34 ◼   ► white Christian [TS]

00:10:38 ◼   ► nuclear family for what sergeant Edward [TS]

00:10:41 ◼   ► it's a code word right yeah that's a [TS]

00:10:42 ◼   ► good point because this is the whole [TS]

00:10:44 ◼   ► this is the whole argument now like a [TS]

00:10:46 ◼   ► gays are trying to extend the franchise [TS]

00:10:50 ◼   ► of family and so I mean everybody on the [TS]

00:10:53 ◼   ► left is trying to say we are also a [TS]

00:10:55 ◼   ► family we have a polyamorous family we [TS]

00:10:57 ◼   ► are a family of Zoroastrianism we all we [TS]

00:11:02 ◼   ► all want to be included in this kind of [TS]

00:11:04 ◼   ► family definition and all the rights [TS]

00:11:08 ◼   ► that go with that and all the pushback [TS]

00:11:11 ◼   ► from that makes you recognize that [TS]

00:11:13 ◼   ► Oh what family the reason we see family [TS]

00:11:16 ◼   ► all the time is it is a code for it's [TS]

00:11:20 ◼   ► one of those codes you know what people [TS]

00:11:22 ◼   ► who are part of the evangelical world [TS]

00:11:24 ◼   ► they talk about like code words that [TS]

00:11:26 ◼   ► other evangelicals recognize but the [TS]

00:11:27 ◼   ► rest of us maybe won't who and family is [TS]

00:11:31 ◼   ► it's not one of those but it's like a [TS]

00:11:34 ◼   ► it's at a higher level a kind of [TS]

00:11:36 ◼   ► political code word for like white [TS]

00:11:38 ◼   ► people [TS]

00:11:39 ◼   ► yeah and and it has the to me in the way [TS]

00:11:43 ◼   ► it's been used over the last 25 years it [TS]

00:11:45 ◼   ► also has the implication of important [TS]

00:11:47 ◼   ► distinctions that we don't even need to [TS]

00:11:49 ◼   ► talk about anymore even like black [TS]

00:11:51 ◼   ► people have broken homes [TS]

00:11:53 ◼   ► mhm we we stay we stay married [TS]

00:11:57 ◼   ► mexican be have like four or five [TS]

00:11:58 ◼   ► families living in one house right and [TS]

00:12:02 ◼   ► god-knows-what what they're getting up [TS]

00:12:03 ◼   ► to their ya sa family is like yeah right [TS]

00:12:06 ◼   ► mom it's like mom dad grandma grandpa [TS]

00:12:08 ◼   ► and then other grandma and grandpa who [TS]

00:12:11 ◼   ► who live in florida right i had that my [TS]

00:12:18 ◼   ► god cracker wait a minute you know I as [TS]

00:12:24 ◼   ► well as the whole time I never knew [TS]

00:12:26 ◼   ► either of my grandfather's and I only [TS]

00:12:31 ◼   ► met one of my grandmother's but she died [TS]

00:12:34 ◼   ► before I was too so I had no [TS]

00:12:37 ◼   ► grandparents is that your your mom's [TS]

00:12:40 ◼   ► mother of my mom's mom died in the [TS]

00:12:43 ◼   ► thirties ok [TS]

00:12:45 ◼   ► not in her thirties in the nineteen [TS]

00:12:47 ◼   ► thirties and my dad's dad died in the [TS]

00:12:51 ◼   ► fifties and my dad my mom's dad I guess [TS]

00:12:57 ◼   ► I did meet when I was an infant but he [TS]

00:13:00 ◼   ► died in the eighties and then my dad's [TS]

00:13:02 ◼   ► mom died in like 1971's did 70 maybe so [TS]

00:13:06 ◼   ► yeah didn't know any of them and I'm not [TS]

00:13:11 ◼   ► the worst stores right now you're doing [TS]

00:13:13 ◼   ► great [TS]

00:13:14 ◼   ► yeah sure people love me I i have [TS]

00:13:16 ◼   ► friends he passed on this doubt family [TS]

00:13:19 ◼   ► values to to your family yeah my family [TS]

00:13:22 ◼   ► values which are thank you for visiting [TS]

00:13:25 ◼   ► don't let the doorknob hit you on the [TS]

00:13:28 ◼   ► way out to done here but you know people [TS]

00:13:32 ◼   ► to get along that's for sure [TS]

00:13:35 ◼   ► people did not used to live as long yeah [TS]

00:13:36 ◼   ► i think we used to ride a lot harder [TS]

00:13:38 ◼   ► i'll say that you look at pictures of [TS]

00:13:40 ◼   ► you know celebrities movie stars [TS]

00:13:42 ◼   ► whatever and you know it's amazing how [TS]

00:13:44 ◼   ► people in the early thirties looked the [TS]

00:13:47 ◼   ► part was the way they dress and carry [TS]

00:13:48 ◼   ► themselves but Emma I've said this [TS]

00:13:50 ◼   ► before my mom's yearbook my mom [TS]

00:13:51 ◼   ► graduated from high school and 1954 and [TS]

00:13:54 ◼   ► a fairly diverse urban high school but [TS]

00:13:58 ◼   ► at I mean everybody in there looks 50 [TS]

00:14:00 ◼   ► yeah right well they're all trying to [TS]

00:14:03 ◼   ► look 50 you as my mom used to say [TS]

00:14:05 ◼   ► because she graduated in my mom's 20 in [TS]

00:14:08 ◼   ► 1954 and 1954 arguably is the birth of [TS]

00:14:14 ◼   ► rock and roll right 5455 ya little early [TS]

00:14:19 ◼   ► but that's the I think that's the proto [TS]

00:14:21 ◼   ► definitely pro rock'n'roll yeah let's [TS]

00:14:23 ◼   ► say 56 is the birth of rock and roll [TS]

00:14:25 ◼   ► so my mom's 2290 at the birth of rock [TS]

00:14:29 ◼   ► and roll now right now if you were 22 [TS]

00:14:34 ◼   ► years old at the birth of a new kind of [TS]

00:14:37 ◼   ► music former new art form you would be a [TS]

00:14:40 ◼   ► soldier of that form right i mean the [TS]

00:14:43 ◼   ► the kids that were 22 when indie rock [TS]

00:14:46 ◼   ► was ascendant are like my lifelong fans [TS]

00:14:51 ◼   ► and yet at 22 years old when a [TS]

00:14:54 ◼   ► rock-and-roll came in my mom was [TS]

00:14:56 ◼   ► contemptuous of it was music for [TS]

00:14:58 ◼   ► children and she was already listening [TS]

00:15:00 ◼   ► to jazz music and being sophisticated [TS]

00:15:03 ◼   ► and drinking a little you know drinks [TS]

00:15:07 ◼   ► out of cocktail glasses and like you [TS]

00:15:10 ◼   ► know what would you give up any of that [TS]

00:15:11 ◼   ► hard-earned adulthood to each finally [TS]

00:15:13 ◼   ► right achieved [TS]

00:15:15 ◼   ► yeah you had arrived at your majority [TS]

00:15:17 ◼   ► and you weren't going to go back to [TS]

00:15:19 ◼   ► hanging out with bobby soxer right [TS]

00:15:21 ◼   ► that's so different from now we're [TS]

00:15:23 ◼   ► living [TS]

00:15:24 ◼   ► I mean honestly I feel like you and I [TS]

00:15:26 ◼   ► are both living a kind of prolonged [TS]

00:15:28 ◼   ► childhood and everybody i know is yeah [TS]

00:15:31 ◼   ► there's nothing on the radio this [TS]

00:15:32 ◼   ► morning about i always forget every if [TS]

00:15:35 ◼   ► every March noise pop comes around you [TS]

00:15:38 ◼   ► and I mean there are few years not that [TS]

00:15:40 ◼   ► long ago where I mean couple years we've [TS]

00:15:42 ◼   ► bought season that season passes but you [TS]

00:15:43 ◼   ► know all I'll show passes and stuff like [TS]

00:15:46 ◼   ► that and you know that we're in our [TS]

00:15:48 ◼   ► forties doing that you know and kind of [TS]

00:15:52 ◼   ► hard to imagine your mom doing that in [TS]

00:15:55 ◼   ► like night like going to like an all-day [TS]

00:15:58 ◼   ► meet rock music festival in 1974 [TS]

00:16:01 ◼   ► yeah although now she loves you know [TS]

00:16:05 ◼   ► she's come full circle of course loves [TS]

00:16:07 ◼   ► rock news she doesn't want to be in the [TS]

00:16:08 ◼   ► business but that set but that sense of [TS]

00:16:10 ◼   ► like you look at the old you look at the [TS]

00:16:12 ◼   ► old high-school yearbook photos and you [TS]

00:16:14 ◼   ► feel like half those people are 40 [TS]

00:16:16 ◼   ► already part of that is yeah right that [TS]

00:16:20 ◼   ► they only live to be 50 yeah and so they [TS]

00:16:24 ◼   ► they were in middle age at 25 but I you [TS]

00:16:28 ◼   ► know and some of that maybe is that [TS]

00:16:30 ◼   ► we're not so gaunt anymore because we [TS]

00:16:32 ◼   ► have that layer of sugar fat that makes [TS]

00:16:35 ◼   ► us all look young and beautiful [TS]

00:16:36 ◼   ► well thank God for those energy drinks [TS]

00:16:38 ◼   ► but i can finally getting some things [TS]

00:16:40 ◼   ► accomplished everyone has the energy a [TS]

00:16:42 ◼   ► rockstar need i say more but I I keep [TS]

00:16:47 ◼   ► like looking at Jennifer Aniston she is [TS]

00:16:49 ◼   ► my lodestone is that was that right she [TS]

00:16:53 ◼   ► is my want to check your spelling on [TS]

00:16:54 ◼   ► this is nice [TS]

00:16:55 ◼   ► she's my star [TS]

00:16:57 ◼   ► castor she is my what is it lonestar no [TS]

00:17:00 ◼   ► I I don't know what I'm trying to say [TS]

00:17:02 ◼   ► but Jennifer Aniston is about my age and [TS]

00:17:08 ◼   ► she was somebody that I I always [TS]

00:17:13 ◼   ► understood it was she certainly was [TS]

00:17:16 ◼   ► considered a sex symbol in a very [TS]

00:17:18 ◼   ► attractive girl in the in the culture [TS]

00:17:20 ◼   ► when I was in my young twenties who and [TS]

00:17:24 ◼   ► I came out of nowhere she came out of [TS]

00:17:26 ◼   ► nowhere she didn't like three different [TS]

00:17:27 ◼   ► pilots for shows before friends but none [TS]

00:17:30 ◼   ► of us had ever seen no no and she was a [TS]

00:17:32 ◼   ► little bit you know she had a little bit [TS]

00:17:34 ◼   ► chubby cheek chubby face like a chipmunk [TS]

00:17:36 ◼   ► cheeks and she had that iconic hair she [TS]

00:17:39 ◼   ► looks a little bit like jennifer grey [TS]

00:17:41 ◼   ► she looked a little bit like Jennifer [TS]

00:17:43 ◼   ► great thank you for connecting the dots [TS]

00:17:45 ◼   ► who it's not i had that digs I had that [TS]

00:17:49 ◼   ► a that feeling where I was like I should [TS]

00:17:53 ◼   ► be more attracted to her than I am [TS]

00:17:57 ◼   ► you know that feeling when you're like [TS]

00:17:59 ◼   ► everything lines up with this girl [TS]

00:18:01 ◼   ► yeah this should be should be my type [TS]

00:18:03 ◼   ► yeah I like her face I like her I like [TS]

00:18:05 ◼   ► her Moxie I like her [TS]

00:18:07 ◼   ► I even liked her silly hair like this [TS]

00:18:10 ◼   ► girl should be a should really get me [TS]

00:18:14 ◼   ► should really get me going for some [TS]

00:18:17 ◼   ► reason she doesn't she doesn't she [TS]

00:18:19 ◼   ► doesn't completely and i remember [TS]

00:18:21 ◼   ► watching friday i'll be over at [TS]

00:18:23 ◼   ► somebody's house than friends would be [TS]

00:18:24 ◼   ► on that's a code for I didn't watch [TS]

00:18:27 ◼   ► friends because I didn't have a TV [TS]

00:18:29 ◼   ► because I don't read comic books at but [TS]

00:18:34 ◼   ► i would be over at somebody's house and [TS]

00:18:35 ◼   ► friends would come on and I would watch [TS]

00:18:37 ◼   ► friends and i would i would be like [TS]

00:18:39 ◼   ► really zoomed in on Jennifer Aniston [TS]

00:18:41 ◼   ► because I wanted to I wanted to [TS]

00:18:44 ◼   ► understand this I wanted to find some [TS]

00:18:47 ◼   ► reason some clear moment where I was [TS]

00:18:50 ◼   ► like either yes i am now I'm totally [TS]

00:18:52 ◼   ► into her or you know what no she doesn't [TS]

00:18:56 ◼   ► do it for me and I could never find the [TS]

00:18:58 ◼   ► breaking point and part of it was that [TS]

00:19:01 ◼   ► because the fashion of the nineties they [TS]

00:19:05 ◼   ► always dressed her in clothes that were [TS]

00:19:07 ◼   ► just baggy enough they could quite [TS]

00:19:11 ◼   ► get a picture of the silhouette you know [TS]

00:19:14 ◼   ► like what's under there I know she's a [TS]

00:19:18 ◼   ► young gal she's cute gal what's under [TS]

00:19:21 ◼   ► all that all those baggy sweatshirts got [TS]

00:19:25 ◼   ► some length of bone musical and I could [TS]

00:19:29 ◼   ► never quite I couldn't get a picture [TS]

00:19:31 ◼   ► under the under the silhouette you know [TS]

00:19:33 ◼   ► like Courtney Cox you look at in here [TS]

00:19:35 ◼   ► like she's a skinny girl she's a skinny [TS]

00:19:37 ◼   ► girl with big boobs and I it and I the [TS]

00:19:40 ◼   ► past experiences has taught me that he [TS]

00:19:43 ◼   ► got to be careful with the skinny girl [TS]

00:19:44 ◼   ► with big boobs you just can't trust them [TS]

00:19:46 ◼   ► but Jennifer and the jet maybe she's a [TS]

00:19:53 ◼   ► maybe she's a little shits [TS]

00:19:54 ◼   ► intellectually vexing to you maybe she's [TS]

00:19:56 ◼   ► a little bit thicker you know what I [TS]

00:19:58 ◼   ► mean maybe she's a maybe she's a small [TS]

00:20:00 ◼   ► busted girl that's a little bit thicker [TS]

00:20:01 ◼   ► like that that's a girl you can trust [TS]

00:20:03 ◼   ► called a pear-shaped and he said she's a [TS]

00:20:06 ◼   ► petite she might she might be out [TS]

00:20:09 ◼   ► somewhere in that you know she might be [TS]

00:20:10 ◼   ► a size two mining interests he says the [TS]

00:20:13 ◼   ► shutter Frances clothes for vexing you [TS]

00:20:15 ◼   ► faxing and so as time has gone on and [TS]

00:20:18 ◼   ► jennifer aniston has evolved but dare I [TS]

00:20:21 ◼   ► say it alongside me really simultaneous [TS]

00:20:25 ◼   ► to who Jennifer Aniston's been growing [TS]

00:20:27 ◼   ► up I've been growing upward we've been [TS]

00:20:29 ◼   ► growing up together and I'm always [TS]

00:20:33 ◼   ► looking out of my side mirror at [TS]

00:20:37 ◼   ► Jennifer Aniston saying is she to issue [TS]

00:20:39 ◼   ► does he do [TS]

00:20:41 ◼   ► do it for me yet like it's still the [TS]

00:20:43 ◼   ► ball still up in the air now she's 35 [TS]

00:20:45 ◼   ► i'm 35 are you and you know and over [TS]

00:20:49 ◼   ► time you know you see enough a celebrity [TS]

00:20:52 ◼   ► beach photos over in a bathing suit that [TS]

00:20:54 ◼   ► you no longer have to guess and now [TS]

00:20:57 ◼   ► Jennifer Aniston is 45 years old she's [TS]

00:21:00 ◼   ► still a very attractive woman and i [TS]

00:21:03 ◼   ► still cannot decide oh my gosh weather [TS]

00:21:06 ◼   ► weather and and it may very well be one [TS]

00:21:08 ◼   ► of those things were interviewed and if [TS]

00:21:10 ◼   ► you're in the room with somebody and you [TS]

00:21:12 ◼   ► realize they just don't photograph to [TS]

00:21:14 ◼   ► your liking or just might be that we [TS]

00:21:17 ◼   ► just having a chemical thing that [TS]

00:21:20 ◼   ► that prevents us from ever being [TS]

00:21:21 ◼   ► together oh but you still can't tell i [TS]

00:21:25 ◼   ► don't know for sister kylie still gotta [TS]

00:21:27 ◼   ► sneak a peek in the mirror i was asked [TS]

00:21:30 ◼   ► at one point to audition for a film that [TS]

00:21:32 ◼   ► she was making in Vancouver where it was [TS]

00:21:36 ◼   ► like some indie rock movie or there were [TS]

00:21:38 ◼   ► any rock bands as part of the plot and [TS]

00:21:41 ◼   ► maybe her romantic lead was an indie [TS]

00:21:45 ◼   ► rock musician and I take a little bit of [TS]

00:21:49 ◼   ► a stretch you know right [TS]

00:21:51 ◼   ► who's gonna fall in love with one of [TS]

00:21:52 ◼   ► those but I I seriously considered [TS]

00:21:55 ◼   ► auditioning for the film but at that [TS]

00:21:57 ◼   ► point in time i was missing one of my [TS]

00:21:59 ◼   ► teeth and I felt like I just don't see [TS]

00:22:03 ◼   ► myself getting cast not only as the lead [TS]

00:22:05 ◼   ► but it is that is self-awareness John [TS]

00:22:11 ◼   ► you realize sure you could have a career [TS]

00:22:13 ◼   ► as a character actor but maybe it's not [TS]

00:22:15 ◼   ► quite time for you to be okay [TS]

00:22:17 ◼   ► yeah well and also one at when I when I [TS]

00:22:20 ◼   ► went through that process I started [TS]

00:22:22 ◼   ► thinking about other films and you [TS]

00:22:25 ◼   ► really don't see a lot of guys missing a [TS]

00:22:27 ◼   ► tooth in any rolled even as like [TS]

00:22:30 ◼   ► henchmen and four NN of the henchman is [TS]

00:22:33 ◼   ► missing a tooth [TS]

00:22:35 ◼   ► it's usually a side tooth that's a side [TS]

00:22:38 ◼   ► to so when he smiles he kind of pulls [TS]

00:22:39 ◼   ► one side of his mouth back in you're [TS]

00:22:41 ◼   ► like oh he's even missing one of his [TS]

00:22:42 ◼   ► teeth [TS]

00:22:43 ◼   ► I think you only see that with makeup in [TS]

00:22:46 ◼   ► hija [TS]

00:22:47 ◼   ► oh yeah maybe I think he ha had a high [TS]

00:22:50 ◼   ► tolerance for two spaces two spaces but [TS]

00:22:52 ◼   ► I was missing one of my front teeth is [TS]

00:22:55 ◼   ► very prominent and I was missing it for [TS]

00:22:57 ◼   ► a couple of years and i think at the [TS]

00:23:02 ◼   ► time I just didn't I [TS]

00:23:05 ◼   ► maybe I didn't register you know how [TS]

00:23:09 ◼   ► profoundly that was sending a message to [TS]

00:23:11 ◼   ► casting agents who that I wasn't quite [TS]

00:23:15 ◼   ► ready [TS]

00:23:16 ◼   ► maybe you know just the right role never [TS]

00:23:20 ◼   ► never came along em right well yeah [TS]

00:23:23 ◼   ► that's the point where it started to [TS]

00:23:25 ◼   ► become clear that that was just a thing [TS]

00:23:26 ◼   ► that you're going to do for a while it's [TS]

00:23:27 ◼   ► not have a tooth [TS]

00:23:29 ◼   ► yeah well i think i think it was that I [TS]

00:23:32 ◼   ► objected to you know the the the Cabal [TS]

00:23:38 ◼   ► of dentists God and the way that they [TS]

00:23:41 ◼   ► run our run our culture just Hollywood [TS]

00:23:45 ◼   ► in the bank's they just assumed the [TS]

00:23:48 ◼   ► dentin excuse me [TS]

00:23:51 ◼   ► [Music] [TS]

00:23:57 ◼   ► the dentists just assume that I was [TS]

00:24:00 ◼   ► gonna wear some kind of flipper to that [TS]

00:24:04 ◼   ► would get that was basically like a [TS]

00:24:06 ◼   ► peanut butter trap like it was a it was [TS]

00:24:10 ◼   ► a whole mental apparatus that was going [TS]

00:24:13 ◼   ► to just sit there and collect peanut [TS]

00:24:14 ◼   ► butter all day and I was like I'm not [TS]

00:24:16 ◼   ► gonna wear that that's a torture device [TS]

00:24:18 ◼   ► they're like well your other options [TS]

00:24:20 ◼   ► walk around without a tooth so yeah you [TS]

00:24:22 ◼   ► are going to wear it was like so fast oh [TS]

00:24:25 ◼   ► really well watch me now they are so [TS]

00:24:28 ◼   ► smug John they've got it all figured out [TS]

00:24:31 ◼   ► yep they got they got a solution and [TS]

00:24:33 ◼   ► here's what it costs you know that I'm [TS]

00:24:34 ◼   ► so mad at god damn dentists are so [TS]

00:24:36 ◼   ► frustrating to me they're really [TS]

00:24:38 ◼   ► frustrating to me i don't know why i [TS]

00:24:39 ◼   ► can't just go in there and get my teeth [TS]

00:24:40 ◼   ► cleaned without a lecture [TS]

00:24:42 ◼   ► well you know I think what it is is they [TS]

00:24:44 ◼   ► have done miraculous work when you think [TS]

00:24:45 ◼   ► about people when you think about people [TS]

00:24:47 ◼   ► in the past people that we were just [TS]

00:24:48 ◼   ► talking about who looked prematurely old [TS]

00:24:50 ◼   ► a lot of them were suffering tooth pain [TS]

00:24:54 ◼   ► and a lot of them died early because [TS]

00:24:56 ◼   ► they had tooth infections [TS]

00:24:58 ◼   ► yeah and now three basically the reason [TS]

00:25:02 ◼   ► we all live to be a hundred years old is [TS]

00:25:04 ◼   ► that we have dentists they are our life [TS]

00:25:07 ◼   ► givers we just want a little malcolm [TS]

00:25:09 ◼   ► gladwell me there yet up as a knock-on [TS]

00:25:12 ◼   ► effect of the dentistry profession being [TS]

00:25:14 ◼   ► widespread heavily insured or is it just [TS]

00:25:16 ◼   ► because they're there [TS]

00:25:17 ◼   ► well know that they haven't they have [TS]

00:25:19 ◼   ► improved their technology so that we [TS]

00:25:21 ◼   ► know lot so that we are not walking [TS]

00:25:23 ◼   ► around anymore all of us with a [TS]

00:25:25 ◼   ► low-grade infection in our mouths or a [TS]

00:25:28 ◼   ► big white band [TS]

00:25:29 ◼   ► which tied around her head yeah right [TS]

00:25:31 ◼   ► Morgan who we no longer have to sit [TS]

00:25:34 ◼   ► bracing ourselves on the public stocks [TS]

00:25:36 ◼   ► in the center in the town square while [TS]

00:25:38 ◼   ► someone attaches oh god a tooth 2002 a [TS]

00:25:42 ◼   ► team of horses but so so yeah we do owe [TS]

00:25:48 ◼   ► them our lives but it has spread in them [TS]

00:25:50 ◼   ► of smugness that that they are [TS]

00:25:54 ◼   ► indispensable and I suppose they are but [TS]

00:25:58 ◼   ► now I see immediate that take above [TS]

00:26:01 ◼   ► optometrist nothing against optometrist [TS]

00:26:03 ◼   ► I got a terrible lecture the last time i [TS]

00:26:05 ◼   ► went in from a young dental hygienist [TS]

00:26:08 ◼   ► where I I honestly I i got snippy with [TS]

00:26:13 ◼   ► her i said i know how to brush my teeth [TS]

00:26:17 ◼   ► you don't have to show me what she was [TS]

00:26:19 ◼   ► gearing up she was getting her to get [TS]

00:26:21 ◼   ► underlying demoed getting her little [TS]

00:26:24 ◼   ► carpenter a demo toothbrush and a fan of [TS]

00:26:26 ◼   ► fake mouth of teeth and she was like let [TS]

00:26:28 ◼   ► me show you how to brush brush your [TS]

00:26:30 ◼   ► teeth and I was like are you fucking [TS]

00:26:31 ◼   ► kidding me [TS]

00:26:32 ◼   ► I'm 45 years old I know how to brush my [TS]

00:26:35 ◼   ► teeth get out of here and you know and [TS]

00:26:38 ◼   ► she was like oh well you know she [TS]

00:26:40 ◼   ► reacted a little bit like a stewardess [TS]

00:26:42 ◼   ► oh I'm sorry sir well I'm just trying to [TS]

00:26:45 ◼   ► do my job [TS]

00:26:48 ◼   ► take your fucking life uh-huh ask you I [TS]

00:26:51 ◼   ► could ask you one thing it's not too [TS]

00:26:53 ◼   ► personal [TS]

00:26:54 ◼   ► not at all um how is or was the juice [TS]

00:26:59 ◼   ► fast [TS]

00:27:01 ◼   ► well did you you're on day three of that [TS]

00:27:03 ◼   ► last time we visited yeah yeah I uh I [TS]

00:27:06 ◼   ► well let's say ninety percent completed [TS]

00:27:10 ◼   ► the juice fast 93% because in the an [TS]

00:27:13 ◼   ► afternoon of the third day of the juice [TS]

00:27:15 ◼   ► fast i realized that a juice fast is a [TS]

00:27:17 ◼   ► terrible thing [TS]

00:27:18 ◼   ► it's a it's terrible idea and it does [TS]

00:27:22 ◼   ► not it does not suit me at all like I've [TS]

00:27:25 ◼   ► spent the last six months weaning myself [TS]

00:27:27 ◼   ► off of sugar and then i gave I went on [TS]

00:27:31 ◼   ► some crackpot scheme where for three [TS]

00:27:35 ◼   ► days I just drank sugar water like [TS]

00:27:37 ◼   ► concentrated sugar water [TS]

00:27:39 ◼   ► because that's what you said is even [TS]

00:27:42 ◼   ► kale juice is just the sugar out of kale [TS]

00:27:45 ◼   ► this and and so by the by the end of the [TS]

00:27:49 ◼   ► third day I mean I was on this i was in [TS]

00:27:52 ◼   ► this terrible cycle of like I would [TS]

00:27:54 ◼   ► drink a glass of juice i would feel [TS]

00:27:55 ◼   ► great for 20 minutes and then I would [TS]

00:27:57 ◼   ► almost completely shut down I was like [TS]

00:28:00 ◼   ► the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz like [TS]

00:28:03 ◼   ► my limbs would go limp my head would [TS]

00:28:05 ◼   ► would drop to my chest and I would like [TS]

00:28:08 ◼   ► service drag myself over to the couch [TS]

00:28:12 ◼   ► where I would lay in a kind of half [TS]

00:28:14 ◼   ► comatose state until it was time to get [TS]

00:28:18 ◼   ► up and make another juice and then I [TS]

00:28:20 ◼   ► would feel for it for 30 minutes and [TS]

00:28:22 ◼   ► then it was just like the the sugar went [TS]

00:28:25 ◼   ► right through me and it just felt like [TS]

00:28:27 ◼   ► poison [TS]

00:28:28 ◼   ► who and so by the end of that third day [TS]

00:28:30 ◼   ► I was like what am i doing to myself [TS]

00:28:32 ◼   ► like I'm only I'm only I'm only trying [TS]

00:28:36 ◼   ► to see this through to notch three day [TS]

00:28:40 ◼   ► juice fast off of my belt somehow like [TS]

00:28:43 ◼   ► the world status bucket list uniform he [TS]

00:28:46 ◼   ► got that teenagers fast [TS]

00:28:49 ◼   ► yep Judy Garland the gravesite check i [TS]

00:28:53 ◼   ► think the artist's way morning pages and [TS]

00:28:58 ◼   ► and so I was just like I i protest this [TS]

00:29:04 ◼   ► juice fast now like I was really into a [TS]

00:29:06 ◼   ► day one I was I was pretty solid in it [TS]

00:29:09 ◼   ► all three day to even day three I was [TS]

00:29:12 ◼   ► like yes I am [TS]

00:29:13 ◼   ► this is just gonna this is the thing and [TS]

00:29:15 ◼   ► it was not hunger it wasn't it wasn't a [TS]

00:29:20 ◼   ► question of will power it was a [TS]

00:29:21 ◼   ► recognition that I was that by day three [TS]

00:29:24 ◼   ► I was just poisoning myself every time I [TS]

00:29:27 ◼   ► drank a glass of juice [TS]

00:29:30 ◼   ► who and so I just said this is terrible [TS]

00:29:34 ◼   ► and and and and what had some food and [TS]

00:29:37 ◼   ► felt immediately better i have i have ID [TS]

00:29:41 ◼   ► on the in the plus column [TS]

00:29:43 ◼   ► I did quit drinking caffeine and now I'm [TS]

00:29:46 ◼   ► completely off caffeine and it took me [TS]

00:29:49 ◼   ► really like it took [TS]

00:29:52 ◼   ► five days for the pain to go out of my [TS]

00:29:55 ◼   ► joints so as i get older it is just it [TS]

00:29:59 ◼   ► you know like I'm not a complete case [TS]

00:30:03 ◼   ► study but anecdotally it is taking [TS]

00:30:06 ◼   ► longer to wean myself off of caffeine [TS]

00:30:10 ◼   ► when I quit now it ride it hard [TS]

00:30:13 ◼   ► yeah it used to be three days in and out [TS]

00:30:15 ◼   ► but you missed it so you honestly I mean [TS]

00:30:17 ◼   ► not exaggerating you have been drinking [TS]

00:30:19 ◼   ► a fair amount of coffee each day like [TS]

00:30:21 ◼   ► more than a couple cups [TS]

00:30:22 ◼   ► yeah I mean you know the finger that not [TS]

00:30:25 ◼   ► drinking alcohol and then eliminating [TS]

00:30:27 ◼   ► juice and soda pop from my diet the [TS]

00:30:32 ◼   ► number of interesting drinks i can have [TS]

00:30:34 ◼   ► yeah is really low and and I can drink [TS]

00:30:37 ◼   ► fizzy water with lime in it all [TS]

00:30:39 ◼   ► afternoon but come on I would become a [TS]

00:30:43 ◼   ► tea person [TS]

00:30:44 ◼   ► well I don't and also in my nature I am [TS]

00:30:48 ◼   ► a substance abuser like I want to abuse [TS]

00:30:52 ◼   ► substances it isn't a thing like I don't [TS]

00:30:55 ◼   ► have a spiritual beef with it who I want [TS]

00:30:58 ◼   ► to do it and if you give me a substance [TS]

00:31:01 ◼   ► to abuse I will and I in college I was [TS]

00:31:03 ◼   ► it was mountain dew I would drink 64 [TS]

00:31:05 ◼   ► ounces of mountain dew every afternoon [TS]

00:31:07 ◼   ► Wow and I felt amazing mountain dew is [TS]

00:31:11 ◼   ► delicious but a scarecrow for you you [TS]

00:31:14 ◼   ► can't be [TS]

00:31:15 ◼   ► that's right how's the Cowardly hypno [TS]

00:31:18 ◼   ► attention to the quick running around [TS]

00:31:21 ◼   ► the living written but but uh but you [TS]

00:31:25 ◼   ► can't be a forty-five-year-old and drink [TS]

00:31:27 ◼   ► 64 ounces amount to a day and so what I [TS]

00:31:30 ◼   ► did have was coffee my good old friend [TS]

00:31:34 ◼   ► coffee rely old reliable and so it it [TS]

00:31:37 ◼   ► wasn't just that I drank like three [TS]

00:31:39 ◼   ► large cups of coffee in the morning it [TS]

00:31:41 ◼   ► was that I then I went out to lunch and [TS]

00:31:42 ◼   ► I had a couple of cups of coffee with [TS]

00:31:45 ◼   ► the with whoever I was having lunch with [TS]

00:31:47 ◼   ► and then at dinner I would get a cup a [TS]

00:31:51 ◼   ► cup of coffee and so throughout the day [TS]

00:31:54 ◼   ► every day 6 cups of coffee [TS]

00:31:58 ◼   ► sometimes more and it was just my my my [TS]

00:32:02 ◼   ► only friend my reliable little because I [TS]

00:32:06 ◼   ► quit smoking cigarettes too so it huh [TS]

00:32:08 ◼   ► I don't have that Lake little friend and [TS]

00:32:12 ◼   ► you know as a as a substance explorer to [TS]

00:32:19 ◼   ► have a little friends to have a little [TS]

00:32:21 ◼   ► crunch somebody that's always there for [TS]

00:32:25 ◼   ► you when you start to when your mind [TS]

00:32:27 ◼   ► starts to get away when you use your [TS]

00:32:29 ◼   ► fingers start to move fidget fidget [TS]

00:32:31 ◼   ► fidget where's my little friend I need a [TS]

00:32:34 ◼   ► little bit and I was realizing this the [TS]

00:32:38 ◼   ► other day I was talking to Crystal lieu [TS]

00:32:39 ◼   ► of the presidents of the USA and he he [TS]

00:32:44 ◼   ► was not a not chastising me but he was [TS]

00:32:48 ◼   ► admonishing us that we that we that we [TS]

00:32:50 ◼   ► hardly ever really talk about the the [TS]

00:32:53 ◼   ► spiritual realm talking about the [TS]

00:32:55 ◼   ► program [TS]

00:32:56 ◼   ► well no not not not at all that chris is [TS]

00:32:59 ◼   ► that you and he never talked about it [TS]

00:33:01 ◼   ► don't know that you and I know okay and [TS]

00:33:02 ◼   ► religious listener of the program and [TS]

00:33:04 ◼   ► that we never talk we are not you and I [TS]

00:33:07 ◼   ► are not Buddhists per se like we don't [TS]

00:33:11 ◼   ► and I and I and I reflected on what he [TS]

00:33:14 ◼   ► said and thought about like i am not [TS]

00:33:16 ◼   ► generally trying to transcend my ego [TS]

00:33:19 ◼   ► that is not well that's that's not [TS]

00:33:23 ◼   ► really on the first page that is not [TS]

00:33:25 ◼   ► what you think that's a little bit of a [TS]

00:33:27 ◼   ► boost in a barrel but that's not like [TS]

00:33:31 ◼   ► that's not the lead [TS]

00:33:33 ◼   ► I know but you know i was introduced to [TS]

00:33:34 ◼   ► these concepts many years ago and I [TS]

00:33:37 ◼   ► always imagined of myself that I would [TS]

00:33:40 ◼   ► be pursuing a spiritual life you know [TS]

00:33:42 ◼   ► i'm not against rock music I'm I've got [TS]

00:33:45 ◼   ► a great deal of the rock music wanted [TS]

00:33:47 ◼   ► first manifested itself from are you [TS]

00:33:52 ◼   ► doing [TS]

00:33:53 ◼   ► Mark Twain after John Robert one minute [TS]

00:33:57 ◼   ► downright planning to you I'm I'm not [TS]

00:34:01 ◼   ► unfamiliar with with Buddhism it's a [TS]

00:34:06 ◼   ► it's a [TS]

00:34:08 ◼   ► tenants that with which I'm [TS]

00:34:10 ◼   ► well-informed Merlin Mann as out [TS]

00:34:15 ◼   ► Holbrook man is Albert colebrook is John [TS]

00:34:19 ◼   ► Roderick in any case um uh but you know [TS]

00:34:24 ◼   ► I thought I I always thought that i [TS]

00:34:26 ◼   ► would i would add some point in my life [TS]

00:34:28 ◼   ► pursue a spiritual path that what you [TS]

00:34:32 ◼   ► know that was Siddhartha like where I [TS]

00:34:35 ◼   ► would go sit in on a bridge and study [TS]

00:34:38 ◼   ► the river and you know and just then it [TS]

00:34:44 ◼   ► then it would be a better year would [TS]

00:34:46 ◼   ► pass several quitter public aside to [TS]

00:34:48 ◼   ► Chris blew up Chris there's a really [TS]

00:34:52 ◼   ► really good reason we don't talk about [TS]

00:34:54 ◼   ► this on the show up what you're hearing [TS]

00:34:56 ◼   ► now is the part that you can hear about [TS]

00:34:59 ◼   ► what what you don't hear is a couple [TS]

00:35:01 ◼   ► episodes i will be happy to say haha but [TS]

00:35:06 ◼   ► everybody said we'll sit on the marathon [TS]

00:35:08 ◼   ► he can you learn how you feel about [TS]

00:35:09 ◼   ► religion [TS]

00:35:10 ◼   ► no no no let's let's leave that in the [TS]

00:35:12 ◼   ► little bit of the salt mine in utah dt [TS]

00:35:16 ◼   ► cartridges are the Roderick on the lines [TS]

00:35:19 ◼   ► that have never aired are just waiting [TS]

00:35:21 ◼   ► for the historian trying to lose their [TS]

00:35:23 ◼   ► ego but I i think that our Dominican [TS]

00:35:27 ◼   ► friends in the hills of San Francisco is [TS]

00:35:32 ◼   ► up there probably in a in a cold cell a [TS]

00:35:37 ◼   ► half the day trying to a lot of time on [TS]

00:35:39 ◼   ► his iphone job it does yeah that I don't [TS]

00:35:43 ◼   ► know what's going on with those [TS]

00:35:43 ◼   ► dominicans these days they don't they [TS]

00:35:46 ◼   ► don't think the bear flagellating [TS]

00:35:48 ◼   ► themselves like they used to [TS]

00:35:50 ◼   ► yeah I'm or if he's got some kind of [TS]

00:35:52 ◼   ► icky flagellation app in a modulation [TS]

00:35:55 ◼   ► purchases work for you [TS]

00:35:56 ◼   ► he swings his iphone / shoulder and [TS]

00:35:59 ◼   ► makes us sound about leveled up to their [TS]

00:36:04 ◼   ► shirt silver hello boom we have fun and [TS]

00:36:12 ◼   ► we need to we kid [TS]

00:36:13 ◼   ► yeah it's in a spirit of Eagle asst yeah [TS]

00:36:17 ◼   ► i wish that we could be less ego full [TS]

00:36:19 ◼   ► I'mI'm [TS]

00:36:20 ◼   ► I'm fine to talk about this thing's this [TS]

00:36:22 ◼   ► yeah I decided you know I know I know [TS]

00:36:24 ◼   ► your level 3 a Shaolin monk [TS]

00:36:27 ◼   ► yeah I hi dexterity pretty good charisma [TS]

00:36:31 ◼   ► quiet walking [TS]

00:36:33 ◼   ► mhm i always like that thing where our [TS]

00:36:36 ◼   ► monks could like fall down a wall was [TS]

00:36:39 ◼   ► like four feet per level something like [TS]

00:36:41 ◼   ► that remember them must have months had [TS]

00:36:43 ◼   ► a power where they could get the [TS]

00:36:46 ◼   ► quivering palm you remember that I [TS]

00:36:48 ◼   ► remember I remember reading about it in [TS]

00:36:50 ◼   ► the dungeon master can you do i I didn't [TS]

00:36:52 ◼   ► actually play D&D i just read it [TS]

00:36:53 ◼   ► yeah that's the tragedy of that i never [TS]

00:36:57 ◼   ► played the game enough to get out of the [TS]

00:37:02 ◼   ► just like let's go to war stage who and [TS]

00:37:06 ◼   ► I think that real dnd players spend a [TS]

00:37:08 ◼   ► lot of time like getting water from the [TS]

00:37:10 ◼   ► well like I go to get water from the [TS]

00:37:12 ◼   ► well somebody rolls of a seven sided [TS]

00:37:15 ◼   ► dice [TS]

00:37:17 ◼   ► Oh clothes on the basis of excited [TS]

00:37:21 ◼   ► states within the well you see a leaf on [TS]

00:37:25 ◼   ► the ground accompany innkeeper [TS]

00:37:27 ◼   ► approaches you traveler [TS]

00:37:30 ◼   ► no I'm the same way I mean for the fun [TS]

00:37:32 ◼   ► part is I'm like that with with [TS]

00:37:34 ◼   ► everything whether that's where that's [TS]

00:37:35 ◼   ► movies well movies [TS]

00:37:37 ◼   ► beware example but with the rock and [TS]

00:37:38 ◼   ► roll with D&D with history and there's [TS]

00:37:43 ◼   ► all kinds of stuff where I i did I [TS]

00:37:44 ◼   ► haven't participated in it just wanted [TS]

00:37:46 ◼   ► to write about it [TS]

00:37:48 ◼   ► yeah yeah yeah now I bet out now I was [TS]

00:37:51 ◼   ► definitely like that and i have [TS]

00:37:52 ◼   ► discovered that I enters at least the [TS]

00:37:53 ◼   ► D&D stuff and yeah Rocco stuck to their [TS]

00:37:56 ◼   ► a lot of people who just read about dnd [TS]

00:37:58 ◼   ► a lot [TS]

00:37:59 ◼   ► oh yeah well I think this is the same [TS]

00:38:00 ◼   ► thing with Buddhism we just want to get [TS]

00:38:02 ◼   ► to the good part [TS]

00:38:03 ◼   ► just get to the part where uh where are [TS]

00:38:06 ◼   ► all your cares melt away [TS]

00:38:08 ◼   ► oh boy what a Salesman Buddhism has in [TS]

00:38:15 ◼   ► you you just climb up to the top of the [TS]

00:38:18 ◼   ► ladder right and then yeah you got the [TS]

00:38:21 ◼   ► Buddhism ladder yeah you get the top of [TS]

00:38:23 ◼   ► the Buddhism rather than looking down on [TS]

00:38:24 ◼   ► everybody and now he called a nine-run [TS]

00:38:26 ◼   ► ladder you've got legal business [TS]

00:38:29 ◼   ► oh my god down pit from the high ground [TS]

00:38:31 ◼   ► you got acting all fancy talking about [TS]

00:38:34 ◼   ► vegetarian food that's number four I [TS]

00:38:35 ◼   ► watching the river and not watching the [TS]

00:38:40 ◼   ► river [TS]

00:38:41 ◼   ► first there is a mountain that there is [TS]

00:38:44 ◼   ► no mountain who [TS]

00:38:45 ◼   ► and then there's a mountain mm then [TS]

00:38:48 ◼   ► paradoxes right seven is paradox is sick [TS]

00:38:51 ◼   ► there is no number seven number eight [TS]

00:38:55 ◼   ► you do not talk about Fight Club or nine [TS]

00:38:57 ◼   ► location location location location [TS]

00:38:59 ◼   ► location [TS]

00:39:01 ◼   ► that's the tenants of Buddhism number 10 [TS]

00:39:04 ◼   ► were you just not listening to number [TS]

00:39:06 ◼   ► nine [TS]

00:39:08 ◼   ► yeah i see i don't understand why you [TS]

00:39:13 ◼   ► can't just eat all the vegetables and [TS]

00:39:15 ◼   ► fruits we gonna do some what's the point [TS]

00:39:17 ◼   ► of juicing that's the thing as you say [TS]

00:39:19 ◼   ► what I think they're yeah you throw you [TS]

00:39:21 ◼   ► got away from there pretty fast number [TS]

00:39:23 ◼   ► 11 as he does you as you said before you [TS]

00:39:26 ◼   ► throw a master of spinach into the [TS]

00:39:28 ◼   ► blender and eight and you get a symbol [TS]

00:39:31 ◼   ► of spinach juice and you say wow all [TS]

00:39:33 ◼   ► that spinach went into this thimble and [TS]

00:39:36 ◼   ► it's not like that isn't the fucking [TS]

00:39:37 ◼   ► spinach fiber where all the good stuff [TS]

00:39:39 ◼   ► isn't believes you're forgetting that [TS]

00:39:42 ◼   ► there's a huge hopper there's basically [TS]

00:39:43 ◼   ► a dumpster behind this juicer where all [TS]

00:39:46 ◼   ► the spinach and looks like it's a good [TS]

00:39:47 ◼   ► Chinese food buffet gets left behind [TS]

00:39:49 ◼   ► yeah right exactly it's the it's the [TS]

00:39:51 ◼   ► like cooked cooked green matter it's [TS]

00:39:55 ◼   ► like ground-up hope [TS]

00:39:57 ◼   ► thank you for that [TS]

00:40:01 ◼   ► yeah i've read comic books and you had a [TS]

00:40:03 ◼   ► boy a but seriously it's just so the [TS]

00:40:07 ◼   ► juice but parties but I mean setting [TS]

00:40:08 ◼   ► aside that it maybe there's some lady [TS]

00:40:10 ◼   ► boss thing about probation but it is [TS]

00:40:12 ◼   ► supposed to get a cleanse the idea is [TS]

00:40:13 ◼   ► that you're not adding to the junk [TS]

00:40:16 ◼   ► you've got in your body and with certain [TS]

00:40:17 ◼   ► kinds of lenses ad is really taking in [TS]

00:40:20 ◼   ► new stuff that's helping you get rid of [TS]

00:40:22 ◼   ► whatever it's called toxins rather [TS]

00:40:24 ◼   ► adding new ones is kind of the notion [TS]

00:40:26 ◼   ► right it gives your body a chance to [TS]

00:40:27 ◼   ► stabilize and kinda like reset the [TS]

00:40:29 ◼   ► faders that kind of idea i guess but i [TS]

00:40:32 ◼   ► feel like i feel like there there there [TS]

00:40:34 ◼   ► are two there are two cultures at war [TS]

00:40:37 ◼   ► here and maybe maybe we're back to [TS]

00:40:39 ◼   ► talking about the humors into that let's [TS]

00:40:42 ◼   ► talk about the humors but there are [TS]

00:40:44 ◼   ► people who are [TS]

00:40:45 ◼   ► talking about your blood and the and the [TS]

00:40:48 ◼   ► relative like a viscosity of the sugar [TS]

00:40:52 ◼   ► in it and then there are these other [TS]

00:40:54 ◼   ► people talking about your gut and like [TS]

00:40:58 ◼   ► oh you need to get all of that hardened [TS]

00:41:00 ◼   ► fecal matter out of your bowel so you [TS]

00:41:02 ◼   ► need to take all this juice and then [TS]

00:41:03 ◼   ► it's like well now I'm hypoglycemic but [TS]

00:41:06 ◼   ► a but somehow I've cleaned out my colon [TS]

00:41:09 ◼   ► like I know I know that there is a [TS]

00:41:10 ◼   ► holistic way to approach living that [TS]

00:41:15 ◼   ► involves the nine steps there's this and [TS]

00:41:18 ◼   ► I think at this point just unless [TS]

00:41:19 ◼   ► comments that the 13 now it's a 13 [TS]

00:41:22 ◼   ► they're doing ladder 13 wrong ladder of [TS]

00:41:25 ◼   ► Buddhism the 13 throne is get it [TS]

00:41:30 ◼   ► yeah you just reach the Tory bitch nice [TS]

00:41:33 ◼   ► make it centori times tonight is special [TS]

00:41:39 ◼   ► now the 12 but yeah the 12th is colon [TS]

00:41:41 ◼   ► cleanse [TS]

00:41:42 ◼   ► yeah and the 13th wrong isbell oh but [TS]

00:41:46 ◼   ► like I don't want to sacrifice the the [TS]

00:41:48 ◼   ► hard-won gains I've made in my blood to [TS]

00:41:52 ◼   ► a to check to flushing have heavily [TS]

00:41:55 ◼   ► impacted little friends that you have as [TS]

00:41:57 ◼   ► such this user you have old friends down [TS]

00:42:00 ◼   ► there you don't want to make them leave [TS]

00:42:01 ◼   ► yeah and that then and ultimately like [TS]

00:42:03 ◼   ► for me because the substance abuse a [TS]

00:42:07 ◼   ► gene in me it just sits there and throbs [TS]

00:42:11 ◼   ► all the time like is there something [TS]

00:42:13 ◼   ► that you can do I mean I honestly I feel [TS]

00:42:15 ◼   ► like for a long time magazine's were all [TS]

00:42:19 ◼   ► the magazines that sounds real stupid [TS]

00:42:22 ◼   ► but it's true you guess I can I've [TS]

00:42:24 ◼   ► accidentally become a magazine person [TS]

00:42:26 ◼   ► sometimes I know I was definitely with [TS]

00:42:27 ◼   ► comics for awhile musicians call an [TS]

00:42:30 ◼   ► inch-and-a-half comics a weekend just [TS]

00:42:31 ◼   ► the thing i did [TS]

00:42:32 ◼   ► yeah and there and they they scratch [TS]

00:42:35 ◼   ► that say Mitch was just like what do i [TS]

00:42:37 ◼   ► do what do i do oh I've got this i've [TS]

00:42:39 ◼   ► got a magazine i'm going to sit and read [TS]

00:42:40 ◼   ► this magazine and and it got so that i [TS]

00:42:43 ◼   ► was reading magazine six hours a day and [TS]

00:42:45 ◼   ► the magazines you know they give you [TS]

00:42:47 ◼   ► this people they'll owe you and now I'm [TS]

00:42:49 ◼   ► picturing a little a little that little [TS]

00:42:51 ◼   ► clippie icon from Microsoft or [TS]

00:42:54 ◼   ► it looks like you want to sign forty [TS]

00:42:56 ◼   ► dollars and it was an afternoon would [TS]

00:42:59 ◼   ► you like to read the Atlantic cow and so [TS]

00:43:01 ◼   ► you feel like oh yes i would like to [TS]

00:43:03 ◼   ► read all the hallways and actually if [TS]

00:43:05 ◼   ► you're getting might be back in the day [TS]

00:43:07 ◼   ► right we're getting the Atlantic get [TS]

00:43:09 ◼   ► Harper's because that's that's brain [TS]

00:43:10 ◼   ► food right a brain food and you come out [TS]

00:43:12 ◼   ► of there all informed and stuff but [TS]

00:43:14 ◼   ► you're just informed it you're informed [TS]

00:43:18 ◼   ► that a superficial level about stuff [TS]

00:43:19 ◼   ► that is that is interesting but [TS]

00:43:23 ◼   ► non-essential and and and ran really [TS]

00:43:27 ◼   ► like life is passing you by like that [TS]

00:43:29 ◼   ► was six hours that you didn't go [TS]

00:43:30 ◼   ► rollerblading or whatever one of this [TS]

00:43:33 ◼   ► you know i mean that's 14k right if [TS]

00:43:38 ◼   ► there's the there's the normal 14 hours [TS]

00:43:40 ◼   ► that you weren't rollerblading and then [TS]

00:43:41 ◼   ► another 60 you're not rollerbladed you [TS]

00:43:43 ◼   ► know what's funny though not in this [TS]

00:43:45 ◼   ► rambling I'm sorry I'm sick of my brains [TS]

00:43:47 ◼   ► not working well but in all this stuff [TS]

00:43:48 ◼   ► that there are a couple threads through [TS]

00:43:50 ◼   ► all the stuff we're talking about [TS]

00:43:50 ◼   ► perhaps not accidentally and it's about [TS]

00:43:53 ◼   ► how our bodies will is a lot our body [TS]

00:43:56 ◼   ► and our our our mind or soul like [TS]

00:43:58 ◼   ► whatever whatever part of it part of it [TS]

00:44:00 ◼   ► part of us that makes us is such a black [TS]

00:44:03 ◼   ► box [TS]

00:44:04 ◼   ► it really is because you know we know [TS]

00:44:06 ◼   ► that there are certain kinds of stuff [TS]

00:44:08 ◼   ► that we put into our black box that [TS]

00:44:10 ◼   ► makes us feel good at the time makes us [TS]

00:44:11 ◼   ► feel terrible later there's other kinds [TS]

00:44:13 ◼   ► of stuff as you learned over the years [TS]

00:44:15 ◼   ► that you put into your body and you're [TS]

00:44:17 ◼   ► not sure how it makes you feel but [TS]

00:44:18 ◼   ► you're pretty sure it's not making you [TS]

00:44:19 ◼   ► feel better and then talk about a [TS]

00:44:21 ◼   ► function machine like a you know I guess [TS]

00:44:25 ◼   ► is like a Schrodinger catbox kind of [TS]

00:44:27 ◼   ► thing but something where there's [TS]

00:44:28 ◼   ► there's a process that happens inside in [TS]

00:44:30 ◼   ► any black box you know theory or factory [TS]

00:44:32 ◼   ► talking about there's something goes in [TS]

00:44:33 ◼   ► we know that when something comes out [TS]

00:44:36 ◼   ► over here but we have no way of even [TS]

00:44:38 ◼   ► knowing what happens inside of the box [TS]

00:44:40 ◼   ► but we know something happens right so I [TS]

00:44:42 ◼   ► don't know if you didn't interesting [TS]

00:44:43 ◼   ► because sometimes i think one appeal of [TS]

00:44:47 ◼   ► something like messing your juice fast [TS]

00:44:49 ◼   ► one appeal of whether that's the crazy [TS]

00:44:52 ◼   ► diet or the forgive my saying cult-like [TS]

00:44:55 ◼   ► religions or the get-rich-quick scheme [TS]

00:44:58 ◼   ► or any of those kinds of things is that [TS]

00:45:00 ◼   ► they make it seem like the blacks black [TS]

00:45:02 ◼   ► box [TS]

00:45:03 ◼   ► can be understood and that you if [TS]

00:45:08 ◼   ► there's the usual should be away at a [TS]

00:45:10 ◼   ► steady stream of this going in will [TS]

00:45:12 ◼   ► cause I reliable confident stream of [TS]

00:45:16 ◼   ► this coming out and that's I mean that I [TS]

00:45:18 ◼   ► mean that exactly as abstract as I'm [TS]

00:45:19 ◼   ► putting it yes if you simplify your life [TS]

00:45:21 ◼   ► he stopped sinning you pray more you do [TS]

00:45:24 ◼   ► good work you tithe you can pretty much [TS]

00:45:26 ◼   ► expect that whatever's going on that [TS]

00:45:28 ◼   ► black box there's going to be a good [TS]

00:45:30 ◼   ► life that comes out on the other side [TS]

00:45:31 ◼   ► even if it's not in this world would be [TS]

00:45:33 ◼   ► one if you simplify your diet enough you [TS]

00:45:36 ◼   ► could even all that shit you eat and all [TS]

00:45:37 ◼   ► those cheeseburgers and multitudes and [TS]

00:45:40 ◼   ► get down to something as simple as the [TS]

00:45:41 ◼   ► juice of natural organic plants you can [TS]

00:45:44 ◼   ► expect that your health will improve [TS]

00:45:45 ◼   ► whatever is going on in that black box [TS]

00:45:47 ◼   ► there's gonna be stuff that you don't [TS]

00:45:49 ◼   ► need to know don't worry about that but [TS]

00:45:50 ◼   ► will come out of that is that you will [TS]

00:45:51 ◼   ► feel better [TS]

00:45:52 ◼   ► your body will operate better right [TS]

00:45:54 ◼   ► there's something really appealing about [TS]

00:45:55 ◼   ► a way to like try and I mean this is [TS]

00:45:58 ◼   ► just so obvious but i think it's it's [TS]

00:46:01 ◼   ► when we stop understanding i will never [TS]

00:46:04 ◼   ► really understand the black box but when [TS]

00:46:05 ◼   ► it's hard to go like I'm I'm sick of [TS]

00:46:07 ◼   ► feeling like shit like i'm so tired of [TS]

00:46:10 ◼   ► being tired all the time i'm tired of [TS]

00:46:11 ◼   ► being the Scarecrow i'm tired of juicing [TS]

00:46:14 ◼   ► things i'm tired of reading the Bible [TS]

00:46:15 ◼   ► whatever that is i don't know i think [TS]

00:46:16 ◼   ► that's the eternal class whether you're [TS]

00:46:18 ◼   ► a substance abuser at any level or not [TS]

00:46:20 ◼   ► is like trying to trying to reach that [TS]

00:46:23 ◼   ► equilibrium to where you stop notice it [TS]

00:46:25 ◼   ► being bad eventually noticed getting [TS]

00:46:27 ◼   ► better and eventually God willing you [TS]

00:46:29 ◼   ► stop noticing anything happening at all [TS]

00:46:31 ◼   ► and just feel normal [TS]

00:46:32 ◼   ► yeah I i have been reflecting a lot on [TS]

00:46:37 ◼   ► the attitudes that I carried with me for [TS]

00:46:41 ◼   ► many years that I see in people all [TS]

00:46:45 ◼   ► around me that are that are in some ways [TS]

00:46:48 ◼   ► the the opposite or the response to what [TS]

00:46:52 ◼   ► you were just saying which is the i [TS]

00:46:55 ◼   ► remember a time when I would say to [TS]

00:46:59 ◼   ► myself what is the point of life if I [TS]

00:47:02 ◼   ► can't have a cigarette [TS]

00:47:04 ◼   ► like I don't want to land and I and I [TS]

00:47:07 ◼   ► meant that like I don't want to live in [TS]

00:47:10 ◼   ► a world where I am [TS]

00:47:13 ◼   ► restricted from anything I kind of want [TS]

00:47:17 ◼   ► to live not only like in a in a in a [TS]

00:47:21 ◼   ► world where I am being where my [TS]

00:47:25 ◼   ► experience is truncated but where I am [TS]

00:47:28 ◼   ► I'm measuring my food or I'm i'm in any [TS]

00:47:34 ◼   ► way a portioning experience to myself in [TS]

00:47:37 ◼   ► a restricted way and so living fully [TS]

00:47:42 ◼   ► meant living without limits and I hear [TS]

00:47:47 ◼   ► that in various forms from people from [TS]

00:47:50 ◼   ► fully grown people all the time you know [TS]

00:47:53 ◼   ► and it and it and it's it's a kind of [TS]

00:47:55 ◼   ► response to any attempts to really [TS]

00:47:59 ◼   ► control oneself [TS]

00:48:02 ◼   ► yeah to control oneself beforehand right [TS]

00:48:06 ◼   ► like hearing from people like to like be [TS]

00:48:10 ◼   ► mindful e reject something that you [TS]

00:48:13 ◼   ► think it's not good for you [TS]

00:48:14 ◼   ► well it won't talk about guns it's the [TS]

00:48:17 ◼   ► know it's the logic of like like if I [TS]

00:48:20 ◼   ► couldn't eat steak [TS]

00:48:23 ◼   ► well what why would I live you know what [TS]

00:48:25 ◼   ► if i could meet stake my life would be [TS]

00:48:26 ◼   ► miserable if I couldn't drink alcohol my [TS]

00:48:28 ◼   ► life would be miserable if I couldn't [TS]

00:48:30 ◼   ► eat pizza my life would be miserable [TS]

00:48:31 ◼   ► like the the presumption that that the [TS]

00:48:36 ◼   ► that these the foodstuffs or experiences [TS]

00:48:43 ◼   ► or something are the source or are the [TS]

00:48:46 ◼   ► key of life they are the prize they are [TS]

00:48:48 ◼   ► the reason they are the like without [TS]

00:48:51 ◼   ► being able to eat steak where is the [TS]

00:48:54 ◼   ► enjoyment in life really is the logic [TS]

00:48:56 ◼   ► mostly talking about variously various [TS]

00:49:00 ◼   ► forms of intense sensory input most of [TS]

00:49:03 ◼   ► the time [TS]

00:49:03 ◼   ► well and and and i don't like things [TS]

00:49:05 ◼   ► like if I'd manuf I if I can't go to [TS]

00:49:07 ◼   ► imax movies anymore if I can't eat a [TS]

00:49:09 ◼   ► giant steak if I can't have a cigarette [TS]

00:49:10 ◼   ► if I can take a shot of whiskey but the [TS]

00:49:13 ◼   ► ultimate one is when you look at a [TS]

00:49:14 ◼   ► priest and say how could you how could [TS]

00:49:17 ◼   ► you live a celibate life like giving up [TS]

00:49:19 ◼   ► sex before you even had it [TS]

00:49:23 ◼   ► like what would be the point of this [TS]

00:49:24 ◼   ► what would be the point of why would why [TS]

00:49:27 ◼   ► would you why would you live like I [TS]

00:49:29 ◼   ► remember thinking that very clearly [TS]

00:49:32 ◼   ► imagining that the worst thing that [TS]

00:49:33 ◼   ► could happen to you would be that you [TS]

00:49:35 ◼   ► would get injured and stuff away in such [TS]

00:49:37 ◼   ► a way that you were you deprived is like [TS]

00:49:39 ◼   ► the primary reason it's awesome to be a [TS]

00:49:41 ◼   ► young man [TS]

00:49:42 ◼   ► yeah right and the primary like why why [TS]

00:49:45 ◼   ► interact with other people if you aren't [TS]

00:49:47 ◼   ► you know if you're not trying to have [TS]

00:49:49 ◼   ► sex with them or their sisters so as you [TS]

00:49:54 ◼   ► get older and in particularly in my own [TS]

00:49:56 ◼   ► experience like oh the more stuff that [TS]

00:49:59 ◼   ► you the more stuff that you just kind of [TS]

00:50:01 ◼   ► dispense with like oh yeah I don't like [TS]

00:50:05 ◼   ► I don't need to eat pizza pizza's great [TS]

00:50:10 ◼   ► i'm not i'm not empty pizza but pizza [TS]

00:50:14 ◼   ► isn't central to like today being a good [TS]

00:50:17 ◼   ► day and not being able to have it and [TS]

00:50:21 ◼   ► not being able to have sex you know like [TS]

00:50:22 ◼   ► none of those things are central to [TS]

00:50:25 ◼   ► having an enjoyable ex human experience [TS]

00:50:29 ◼   ► and and the like a profound human [TS]

00:50:32 ◼   ► experience and so and I guess it's part [TS]

00:50:35 ◼   ► part of like when you imagine somebody [TS]

00:50:37 ◼   ► who is like Stephen Hawking you know [TS]

00:50:42 ◼   ► confined to a chair and not even really [TS]

00:50:44 ◼   ► able to communicate without great effort [TS]

00:50:46 ◼   ► and yet he still is deriving great [TS]

00:50:49 ◼   ► pleasure for being alive he you know he [TS]

00:50:53 ◼   ► wants to be alive he is like living a [TS]

00:50:56 ◼   ► full life and it's all happening in his [TS]

00:50:59 ◼   ► mind [TS]

00:51:00 ◼   ► um and then you then you can trust that [TS]

00:51:05 ◼   ► with with like I get every every one of [TS]

00:51:08 ◼   ► these experiments experiments i take i [TS]

00:51:10 ◼   ► go out in the world I talk to my friends [TS]

00:51:12 ◼   ► like a lot of pushback particularly from [TS]

00:51:13 ◼   ► rock-and-roll people was just like you [TS]

00:51:16 ◼   ► know what I did today I i ate a [TS]

00:51:17 ◼   ► cigarette just despite the fact was like [TS]

00:51:22 ◼   ► Jason fit but up haha judge Jason would [TS]

00:51:29 ◼   ► dip a cigarette liquid cocaine and stick [TS]

00:51:31 ◼   ► it up his ass just despite [TS]

00:51:33 ◼   ► guess what i'm wearing [TS]

00:51:38 ◼   ► no but trying but but you know but but [TS]

00:51:42 ◼   ► you don't want to be a drag either and [TS]

00:51:44 ◼   ► you don't want to be a you don't want to [TS]

00:51:46 ◼   ► you don't want to follow this path so [TS]

00:51:49 ◼   ► that you're outside of everything you [TS]

00:51:51 ◼   ► ever knew [TS]

00:51:52 ◼   ► I've never gotten that from you I mean I [TS]

00:51:54 ◼   ► said I feel like I I never what we're [TS]

00:51:57 ◼   ► talking to do you know you can say can [TS]

00:52:00 ◼   ► do things that you that you believe [TS]

00:52:02 ◼   ► about the world including things like [TS]

00:52:03 ◼   ► substances but I've never in any [TS]

00:52:05 ◼   ► situation ever seen you looking like [TS]

00:52:07 ◼   ► scally even around drunk people I've [TS]

00:52:09 ◼   ► never I don't think I've ever seen you [TS]

00:52:11 ◼   ► which i think is really amazing like [TS]

00:52:13 ◼   ► when I'm around people who have decided [TS]

00:52:14 ◼   ► to stop doing substances I still feel [TS]

00:52:17 ◼   ► kind of funny [TS]

00:52:18 ◼   ► lame i feel like i feel not guilty but I [TS]

00:52:22 ◼   ► feel weird about it and I'm unconscious [TS]

00:52:26 ◼   ► about that around you but in situations [TS]

00:52:28 ◼   ► where it's way more than me where it [TS]

00:52:29 ◼   ► could be like a whole backstage area [TS]

00:52:30 ◼   ► with everybody running around or at a [TS]

00:52:32 ◼   ► club right somewhere like work maybe we [TS]

00:52:35 ◼   ► could do a show and people are having [TS]

00:52:36 ◼   ► drinks or something i don't see like [TS]

00:52:38 ◼   ► looking at the corner of your eye like [TS]

00:52:39 ◼   ► in a g-way oh no no I don't mean a drag [TS]

00:52:42 ◼   ► that way I mean a drag the other way [TS]

00:52:44 ◼   ► where where where [TS]

00:52:47 ◼   ► like I am so into my trip that I'm just [TS]

00:52:53 ◼   ► boring to talk to or or interact with [TS]

00:52:56 ◼   ► not that not that I'm looking at other [TS]

00:52:58 ◼   ► people and saying like oh man you need [TS]

00:52:59 ◼   ► to get with the program you need to find [TS]

00:53:02 ◼   ► that you need to eat just drink press [TS]

00:53:04 ◼   ► sunflower oil like I've been doing for [TS]

00:53:06 ◼   ► the last four years but but no just that [TS]

00:53:09 ◼   ► I would be that I would be taken out of [TS]

00:53:12 ◼   ► life to the extent that i know that i am [TS]

00:53:16 ◼   ► no longer able to participate in the and [TS]

00:53:19 ◼   ► honest truth is like having a eliminated [TS]

00:53:22 ◼   ► almost all vice with the exception of [TS]

00:53:25 ◼   ► like you know interpersonal devices that [TS]

00:53:29 ◼   ► could be without this interpersonal [TS]

00:53:31 ◼   ► vices are are all I have now and it's [TS]

00:53:34 ◼   ► very tough to bottle it [TS]

00:53:36 ◼   ► but that's why I need your loads but but [TS]

00:53:41 ◼   ► the other you know all the other [TS]

00:53:43 ◼   ► chemical vices and and and material [TS]

00:53:46 ◼   ► vices like I've eliminated most of them [TS]

00:53:50 ◼   ► and yet i still am able to to be right [TS]

00:53:53 ◼   ► in the center of a of a Bacchanalia and [TS]

00:53:57 ◼   ► not feel either that I'm dis included or [TS]

00:54:03 ◼   ► that that I'm bringing anybody down [TS]

00:54:06 ◼   ► you know like people all around me are [TS]

00:54:08 ◼   ► our I all the time and they know how I [TS]

00:54:12 ◼   ► feel about it they know i feel about [TS]

00:54:13 ◼   ► them and I and yet I'd I guess I don't [TS]

00:54:18 ◼   ► feel like I'm I don't feel it that I [TS]

00:54:20 ◼   ► inhibit them and and and partly it is [TS]

00:54:23 ◼   ► that I'm that having cut all those [TS]

00:54:26 ◼   ► things out of my life I do not register [TS]

00:54:28 ◼   ► any fewer problems in my own life you [TS]

00:54:32 ◼   ► know what I mean like what i've done is [TS]

00:54:34 ◼   ► i have eliminated the following problems [TS]

00:54:36 ◼   ► I no longer wake up in jail [TS]

00:54:38 ◼   ► I no longer like hacking cough for 20 [TS]

00:54:42 ◼   ► minutes when i first wake up in the [TS]

00:54:43 ◼   ► morning like wake up with an injury you [TS]

00:54:46 ◼   ► can't explain I that sucks i almost [TS]

00:54:49 ◼   ► never have that although I was not even [TS]

00:54:51 ◼   ► had that the right i mean isn't that's [TS]

00:54:53 ◼   ► that's a terrible feeling i mean even [TS]

00:54:55 ◼   ► just waking up for me like you used to [TS]

00:54:57 ◼   ► be just waking up somewhere and clearly [TS]

00:54:59 ◼   ► not quite sure how I ended up here and [TS]

00:55:03 ◼   ► what the hour before that look like in [TS]

00:55:06 ◼   ► the that I was having this conversation [TS]

00:55:08 ◼   ► with some with a good friend the other [TS]

00:55:10 ◼   ► day and she said you have a really [TS]

00:55:12 ◼   ► amazing memory and I was like well it's [TS]

00:55:17 ◼   ► hard for me to to it's hard for me to [TS]

00:55:19 ◼   ► say because I don't know what it's like [TS]

00:55:21 ◼   ► to be inside other people's minds but i [TS]

00:55:24 ◼   ► am for years and years I assumed that [TS]

00:55:27 ◼   ► people were lying or faking when they [TS]

00:55:29 ◼   ► said they didn't remember stuff [TS]

00:55:31 ◼   ► sometimes like stuff that just happened [TS]

00:55:35 ◼   ► recently who like what you mean you [TS]

00:55:37 ◼   ► don't remember [TS]

00:55:38 ◼   ► I mean this is a bone of contention with [TS]

00:55:40 ◼   ► people where they would say oh I ran [TS]

00:55:42 ◼   ► into amazing clots and i would say Oh [TS]

00:55:45 ◼   ► what amazing say oh she said that [TS]

00:55:48 ◼   ► everything's cool no I mean exactly what [TS]

00:55:50 ◼   ► did she say like you said hi Maisie and [TS]

00:55:52 ◼   ► she said what I don't remember she said [TS]

00:55:55 ◼   ► that everything was cool and it was like [TS]

00:55:57 ◼   ► that inability to remember conversations [TS]

00:55:59 ◼   ► to remember conversations as though they [TS]

00:56:02 ◼   ► were scripts blackout I can take i find [TS]

00:56:06 ◼   ► that utterly magical being able to do [TS]

00:56:09 ◼   ► that and and I can barely remember the [TS]

00:56:11 ◼   ► gist of the conversation I've ever have [TS]

00:56:13 ◼   ► a lot of the names of the people that [TS]

00:56:15 ◼   ► were there and for me like when I meet [TS]

00:56:17 ◼   ► somebody on the street i am recording [TS]

00:56:19 ◼   ► our conversation in my in my memory like [TS]

00:56:23 ◼   ► it is [TS]

00:56:24 ◼   ► yeah like it's a screenplay and i'm very [TS]

00:56:27 ◼   ► excited about it when i talk to somebody [TS]

00:56:28 ◼   ► later and they're like and and and rich [TS]

00:56:31 ◼   ► sometimes months later i can recall the [TS]

00:56:35 ◼   ► conversation and the and the whole arc [TS]

00:56:38 ◼   ► of it and what the salient point of it [TS]

00:56:40 ◼   ► was and and also liked what i thought [TS]

00:56:43 ◼   ► that person was thinking while we were [TS]

00:56:45 ◼   ► talking I mean I'm recording that stuff [TS]

00:56:47 ◼   ► and I'm not doing it intentionally it's [TS]

00:56:49 ◼   ► just happening over and I always assumed [TS]

00:56:51 ◼   ► that happen for everybody so I was I was [TS]

00:56:53 ◼   ► just I was stunned when people would [TS]

00:56:55 ◼   ► relate conversations it's like a perfect [TS]

00:56:58 ◼   ► pitch where you just go like oh well why [TS]

00:57:00 ◼   ► would you not hear that that's an F [TS]

00:57:02 ◼   ► sharp right and so even when I was the [TS]

00:57:05 ◼   ► most fucked up on on drugs and alcohol [TS]

00:57:09 ◼   ► I never really blacked out and I never [TS]

00:57:13 ◼   ► woke up in the morning and failed to [TS]

00:57:15 ◼   ► remember why my pillow was covered with [TS]

00:57:18 ◼   ► blood [TS]

00:57:19 ◼   ► like I would wake up in the morning I [TS]

00:57:20 ◼   ► would go oh right and and part of that [TS]

00:57:23 ◼   ► or up some of the fallout from that is [TS]

00:57:27 ◼   ► that I cannot forget some of the [TS]

00:57:30 ◼   ► episodes that i would most like to [TS]

00:57:33 ◼   ► forget and I think people who don't have [TS]

00:57:37 ◼   ► that kind of memory are blessed [TS]

00:57:40 ◼   ► because they because those in those like [TS]

00:57:44 ◼   ► psychic injuries that happen to them [TS]

00:57:46 ◼   ► when they were young fade quickly and [TS]

00:57:49 ◼   ► fade to like us just become kind of a [TS]

00:57:53 ◼   ► smear and I can really go back to every [TS]

00:57:56 ◼   ► one of the every bad episode and just [TS]

00:57:59 ◼   ► relive the whole thing in in Technicolor [TS]

00:58:02 ◼   ► detail [TS]

00:58:03 ◼   ► wow if I allow myself to and that is not [TS]

00:58:06 ◼   ► it's not great it's not fun so so that [TS]

00:58:11 ◼   ► is that's like one of the one of the the [TS]

00:58:14 ◼   ► Bombers of being built the way I am as [TS]

00:58:16 ◼   ► this is this ability to recall you think [TS]

00:58:18 ◼   ► you'll get something from Greek [TS]

00:58:19 ◼   ► mythology like no matter what what no [TS]

00:58:22 ◼   ► matter what horrible thing it's like you [TS]

00:58:24 ◼   ► know Gary all I have eternal life [TS]

00:58:26 ◼   ► yeah I get to watch everybody ever loved [TS]

00:58:29 ◼   ► I right first years i can read any [TS]

00:58:32 ◼   ► paying you oh I broke my glasses that [TS]

00:58:35 ◼   ► time enough at last it's Billy money [TS]

00:58:38 ◼   ► whoo-hoo so so I so I feel like I feel [TS]

00:58:45 ◼   ► like the substance abuse thing in my own [TS]

00:58:51 ◼   ► life like cutting out all the drugs [TS]

00:58:54 ◼   ► cutting out all of the I mean everything [TS]

00:58:59 ◼   ► that could potentially everything that I [TS]

00:59:01 ◼   ► could take refuge in against reality [TS]

00:59:06 ◼   ► eliminating those things has eliminated [TS]

00:59:10 ◼   ► all the side effects of them but we all [TS]

00:59:14 ◼   ► the problems that are somewhat unique to [TS]

00:59:17 ◼   ► that the culture of being somebody who [TS]

00:59:18 ◼   ► does all of that [TS]

00:59:20 ◼   ► yeah right and and all of the and all of [TS]

00:59:21 ◼   ► the side effects that are specific to [TS]

00:59:23 ◼   ► each individual drug like the the [TS]

00:59:26 ◼   ► hangover that you get from from gym is [TS]

00:59:29 ◼   ► different than the hangover you get from [TS]

00:59:31 ◼   ► wine you remember them all remember them [TS]

00:59:34 ◼   ► all but what what what continues to be [TS]

00:59:39 ◼   ► true is that I have all of the problems [TS]

00:59:41 ◼   ► with reality that i always had have all [TS]

00:59:45 ◼   ► the problems integrating with the world [TS]

00:59:47 ◼   ► that I always have [TS]

00:59:48 ◼   ► and the challenge has been here that the [TS]

00:59:55 ◼   ► challenge with the birth or the the the [TS]

00:59:57 ◼   ► story of the black box that you're [TS]

00:59:59 ◼   ► describing is [TS]

00:59:59 ◼   ► describing is [TS]

01:00:00 ◼   ► that you not only are you not only if [TS]

01:00:03 ◼   ► you if you join Scientology are you [TS]

01:00:05 ◼   ► going to stop being an alcoholic but [TS]

01:00:07 ◼   ► also all the root problems are going to [TS]

01:00:09 ◼   ► go away to and and that is true of kind [TS]

01:00:14 ◼   ► of every religious cult of every diet [TS]

01:00:16 ◼   ► plan I mean nobody ever says go on this [TS]

01:00:18 ◼   ► crash diet you lose a bunch of weight [TS]

01:00:20 ◼   ► but you'll still be a depressed [TS]

01:00:22 ◼   ► miserable bitter angry son of a bit [TS]

01:00:24 ◼   ► listen it's a magic way of seeing the [TS]

01:00:27 ◼   ► world that leads to a magic way of [TS]

01:00:29 ◼   ► solving your problems through like a [TS]

01:00:32 ◼   ► magic way of fixing all the things that [TS]

01:00:34 ◼   ► you came in with [TS]

01:00:35 ◼   ► and it's all magic and for me the there [TS]

01:00:38 ◼   ► has never been there's never been a [TS]

01:00:42 ◼   ► thing either a drug i took or quitting [TS]

01:00:45 ◼   ► doing that drug that really made it any [TS]

01:00:48 ◼   ► easier to get up in the morning light [TS]

01:00:50 ◼   ► you know now I mean like quite the [TS]

01:00:53 ◼   ► contrary and that's why people drink and [TS]

01:00:55 ◼   ► that's that's that's the fucking point [TS]

01:00:58 ◼   ► yeah that's why that's why speed is so [TS]

01:01:01 ◼   ► tantalizing well it's it's it's you [TS]

01:01:03 ◼   ► it does make it easier to get up in the [TS]

01:01:05 ◼   ► morn there's this one's for Chris [TS]

01:01:08 ◼   ► there's a Buddhist parable called the [TS]

01:01:11 ◼   ► the parable of the 84th problem uh is [TS]

01:01:15 ◼   ► that that's a jay-z song that's right [TS]

01:01:17 ◼   ► bitch ain't one guy goes it goes to [TS]

01:01:20 ◼   ► second goes into a bar he goes up to the [TS]

01:01:23 ◼   ► to the the master that's and always [TS]

01:01:24 ◼   ► always in one of the stories and he says [TS]

01:01:26 ◼   ► about these problems i got you know it's [TS]

01:01:28 ◼   ► like he's got the life of job like [TS]

01:01:29 ◼   ► everything's just tits up in this guy's [TS]

01:01:31 ◼   ► lowlife his wife's cheating on his crops [TS]

01:01:33 ◼   ► are dying he's got he's got problems [TS]

01:01:34 ◼   ► kids are assholes and he just goes on he [TS]

01:01:37 ◼   ► says and what do i do about this and [TS]

01:01:41 ◼   ► again the the master guy says well you [TS]

01:01:43 ◼   ► know the thing you don't realize is that [TS]

01:01:45 ◼   ► you've got 83 problems and everybody in [TS]

01:01:49 ◼   ► the entire world will always have 83 [TS]

01:01:51 ◼   ► problems like as soon as you solve in [TS]

01:01:54 ◼   ► your mind one problem you'll find [TS]

01:01:56 ◼   ► another problem you'll never have a day [TS]

01:01:57 ◼   ► we don't have 83 problems right back to [TS]

01:02:01 ◼   ► the second set but you also have an 84th [TS]

01:02:03 ◼   ► problem which is that you think you [TS]

01:02:05 ◼   ► shouldn't have 83 problems [TS]

01:02:07 ◼   ► call i I'm telling you man that story [TS]

01:02:11 ◼   ► has more residents for me every couple [TS]

01:02:12 ◼   ► years because I realize how true the [TS]

01:02:15 ◼   ► eighth especially the 83 problems part [TS]

01:02:16 ◼   ► is it's another thing to think that you [TS]

01:02:18 ◼   ► know you should be above having problems [TS]

01:02:20 ◼   ► in life but IM it for me like I always [TS]

01:02:23 ◼   ► have talked about this a lot on the [TS]

01:02:24 ◼   ► other show idea but always make another [TS]

01:02:26 ◼   ► show i do yeah yeah it says here on the [TS]

01:02:29 ◼   ► internet and I i discovered that i I'm [TS]

01:02:33 ◼   ► I'm unhappily coming to realize and [TS]

01:02:37 ◼   ► accept I don't have an answer yet that I [TS]

01:02:39 ◼   ► i think i might just always being an [TS]

01:02:42 ◼   ► anxious person in the sense that i will [TS]

01:02:44 ◼   ► always find a primary thing to worry [TS]

01:02:47 ◼   ► about several secondary things to worry [TS]

01:02:49 ◼   ► about and then a seemingly endless [TS]

01:02:51 ◼   ► collection of tertiary things to worry [TS]

01:02:53 ◼   ► about getting rid of even getting rid of [TS]

01:02:55 ◼   ► the big number one we know that means [TS]

01:02:57 ◼   ► there's a field promotion for one of the [TS]

01:02:58 ◼   ► secondary problems guess what you get to [TS]

01:03:00 ◼   ► go to the line as a kid you made it you [TS]

01:03:03 ◼   ► made another show 10 your girl's number [TS]

01:03:07 ◼   ► one problem right now how do you feel [TS]

01:03:08 ◼   ► thanks cap but you know it's silly [TS]

01:03:12 ◼   ► parable maybe but I i find that to be [TS]

01:03:14 ◼   ► true then why say that because cool [TS]

01:03:16 ◼   ► you're describing is if if you there's [TS]

01:03:18 ◼   ► something very comforting about certain [TS]

01:03:20 ◼   ► kinds of problems and you know to get [TS]

01:03:22 ◼   ► into like the crazy family dynamics and [TS]

01:03:23 ◼   ► abuse and stuff like that but there are [TS]

01:03:25 ◼   ► certain things where you know if you [TS]

01:03:27 ◼   ► have to choose between the devil you [TS]

01:03:28 ◼   ► know than the devil you don't know even [TS]

01:03:30 ◼   ► if you're not aware of it you might [TS]

01:03:31 ◼   ► continue to seek out the problem that [TS]

01:03:33 ◼   ► you're familiar with and the problem [TS]

01:03:35 ◼   ► that you're comfortable solving or more [TS]

01:03:36 ◼   ► often not solving and sometimes I really [TS]

01:03:38 ◼   ► honestly believe that somebody can be [TS]

01:03:40 ◼   ► more whatever makes you happy like i say [TS]

01:03:43 ◼   ► comfortable but more okay with just not [TS]

01:03:47 ◼   ► solving the same problem for a really [TS]

01:03:49 ◼   ► long time and that problem is taken away [TS]

01:03:50 ◼   ► from them if that that comforting [TS]

01:03:52 ◼   ► anxiety that they developed a [TS]

01:03:53 ◼   ► relationship that little friend goes [TS]

01:03:55 ◼   ► away [TS]

01:03:56 ◼   ► that's a that can be really only a [TS]

01:03:59 ◼   ► really crazy thing like having like a [TS]

01:04:00 ◼   ► little foundation and yes and I mean [TS]

01:04:02 ◼   ► almost along the lines of like me to [TS]

01:04:03 ◼   ► talk about the dentist like having a [TS]

01:04:05 ◼   ► tooth root and you feel like it's not [TS]

01:04:06 ◼   ► your mouth anymore that tooth you know [TS]

01:04:08 ◼   ► that problem is like that too [TS]

01:04:10 ◼   ► even if it's a rotten one it's one that [TS]

01:04:11 ◼   ► you recognize and now it's gone and now [TS]

01:04:14 ◼   ► you're in a different kind of anxiety [TS]

01:04:15 ◼   ► because now you don't even know what [TS]

01:04:16 ◼   ► your next thing you should worry about [TS]

01:04:17 ◼   ► should be enough that doesn't sound like [TS]

01:04:19 ◼   ► you but I'm saying is [TS]

01:04:20 ◼   ► if you are if not you but if you select [TS]

01:04:22 ◼   ► something like you notice the drunk and [TS]

01:04:25 ◼   ► fuck you you have the same dialogues I [TS]

01:04:27 ◼   ► loved Otis remember he's locked himself [TS]

01:04:28 ◼   ► in and out of the cell was only trying [TS]

01:04:33 ◼   ► the door knobs on all the bathrooms that [TS]

01:04:35 ◼   ► my problem is a my presentation my point [TS]

01:04:40 ◼   ► that right yeah is that like just [TS]

01:04:41 ◼   ► getting rid of all the problems that [TS]

01:04:43 ◼   ► come around because because one is a is [TS]

01:04:45 ◼   ► addicted to narcotics [TS]

01:04:48 ◼   ► yes behavior problems anymore it's just [TS]

01:04:50 ◼   ► you have more subtle and ultimately kind [TS]

01:04:52 ◼   ► of difficult problems that are you know [TS]

01:04:55 ◼   ► now now you gotta really do the real [TS]

01:04:57 ◼   ► work with yeah they're looking at him [TS]

01:04:59 ◼   ► instead of running away from the menu [TS]

01:05:01 ◼   ► and and i don't mean running away I mean [TS]

01:05:02 ◼   ► that the language of of recovery is so [TS]

01:05:06 ◼   ► fraught and he say something like [TS]

01:05:10 ◼   ► runaway and automatically I i I'm like [TS]

01:05:14 ◼   ► impelled to say i don't mean running [TS]

01:05:16 ◼   ► away in the sense of being cowardly you [TS]

01:05:21 ◼   ► know this is one of the things that so [TS]

01:05:22 ◼   ► many alcoholics are like it's a it's [TS]

01:05:26 ◼   ► like an knee-jerk response to like they [TS]

01:05:29 ◼   ► feel like doing drugs and being drunk is [TS]

01:05:32 ◼   ► heroic and that they are not running [TS]

01:05:35 ◼   ► away from their problems they are they [TS]

01:05:37 ◼   ► are fighting you know there because that [TS]

01:05:39 ◼   ► because their lives feel like a full of [TS]

01:05:42 ◼   ► strife and heroic fight and contest you [TS]

01:05:46 ◼   ► know because they stumble out of the bar [TS]

01:05:48 ◼   ► at night and they run into some street [TS]

01:05:50 ◼   ► person and they have some they go on [TS]

01:05:53 ◼   ► some adventure and it all feels like [TS]

01:05:54 ◼   ► very Greek to be living the life and it [TS]

01:05:59 ◼   ► nightly quests you do you have nightly [TS]

01:06:01 ◼   ► question sometimes that questions just [TS]

01:06:03 ◼   ► like can i get home in this condition [TS]

01:06:06 ◼   ► because I can't you know I can't drive [TS]

01:06:09 ◼   ► or I can't find my car and it's raining [TS]

01:06:11 ◼   ► and there are no cabs like can I even [TS]

01:06:13 ◼   ► get home without without passing out in [TS]

01:06:16 ◼   ► the doorway and that when you do get [TS]

01:06:19 ◼   ► home and the next morning like it does [TS]

01:06:21 ◼   ► feel a little bit like a question [TS]

01:06:22 ◼   ► certainly you're giving yourself some [TS]

01:06:25 ◼   ► some obstacles that are both life and [TS]

01:06:28 ◼   ► death and also pretty pretty uh [TS]

01:06:32 ◼   ► easy to solve that you step out of your [TS]

01:06:33 ◼   ► experience points yeah exactly like my [TS]

01:06:36 ◼   ► mama class is pretty high got good hit [TS]

01:06:38 ◼   ► points and the reality is since I [TS]

01:06:41 ◼   ► stopped drinking the number of times [TS]

01:06:42 ◼   ► that I walk in the front door of my [TS]

01:06:44 ◼   ► house and go and collapsed on the floor [TS]

01:06:45 ◼   ► ago I made it all but I have like a lot [TS]

01:06:50 ◼   ► fewer because everything will become [TS]

01:06:52 ◼   ► depressed whale good so next you know [TS]

01:06:55 ◼   ► that's not the that's not the big quest [TS]

01:06:59 ◼   ► and and I and that is something that i [TS]

01:07:03 ◼   ► miss be the daily kind of excitement of [TS]

01:07:08 ◼   ► of triumph and a conquering adversity [TS]

01:07:14 ◼   ► that you just you put into your life but [TS]

01:07:19 ◼   ► you put into your life with drugs and [TS]

01:07:21 ◼   ► alcohol and honestly with food and with [TS]

01:07:23 ◼   ► sport and all this stuff you know all [TS]

01:07:25 ◼   ► this kind of action that seems very that [TS]

01:07:31 ◼   ► seems very heroic and then in the end [TS]

01:07:32 ◼   ► all it is all that happened at the end [TS]

01:07:35 ◼   ► of the day is that you made it home and [TS]

01:07:37 ◼   ► that was actually pretty easy to do for [TS]

01:07:40 ◼   ► for me the-the-the-the ghost that haunts [TS]

01:07:43 ◼   ► me or the the main my main brokenness I [TS]

01:07:48 ◼   ► guess is that i do not have a definition [TS]

01:07:52 ◼   ► of success there is no there is no [TS]

01:07:58 ◼   ► success in my life because I do not [TS]

01:08:01 ◼   ► allow there to be like I i have no there [TS]

01:08:06 ◼   ► i have not defined success so therefore [TS]

01:08:10 ◼   ► everything is a failure and my greatest [TS]

01:08:16 ◼   ► triumphs are still failing failures and [TS]

01:08:20 ◼   ► that is a that is this puzzle box that [TS]

01:08:24 ◼   ► no matter what I do no matter what I [TS]

01:08:28 ◼   ► quit doing no matter what advice I quit [TS]

01:08:30 ◼   ► doing no matter what a like new exercise [TS]

01:08:36 ◼   ► his program i go on or what what [TS]

01:08:39 ◼   ► studying i do or what new new exciting [TS]

01:08:42 ◼   ► adventure i go on i don't have a simple [TS]

01:08:47 ◼   ► definition of success for myself and so [TS]

01:08:50 ◼   ► I I I never congratulate myself I don't [TS]

01:08:54 ◼   ► accept congratulations and at the end of [TS]

01:08:58 ◼   ► the day I look up at my wall at my [TS]

01:09:02 ◼   ► blue-ribbon wall and there are no blue [TS]

01:09:04 ◼   ► ribbons on it [TS]

01:09:05 ◼   ► there are like three white ribbons that [TS]

01:09:08 ◼   ► I have allowed that I deserve you know [TS]

01:09:12 ◼   ► like okay good job third place you know [TS]

01:09:16 ◼   ► the greatest events of my life I have [TS]

01:09:18 ◼   ► allowed some I have allowed myself to to [TS]

01:09:21 ◼   ► reward myself a third place ribbon and [TS]

01:09:26 ◼   ► so I have this tattered little bulletin [TS]

01:09:28 ◼   ► board that has like three or four white [TS]

01:09:31 ◼   ► ribbons on it but you're like the [TS]

01:09:32 ◼   ► Russian judge you you're not going to [TS]

01:09:34 ◼   ► let anything up there that didn't really [TS]

01:09:35 ◼   ► really irrefutably deserve to be there [TS]

01:09:38 ◼   ► yeah and and you know maybe that's a [TS]

01:09:40 ◼   ► third place maybe that sublime bronze or [TS]

01:09:41 ◼   ► white [TS]

01:09:42 ◼   ► well you know like my walk across Europe [TS]

01:09:44 ◼   ► for instance where I very definitely for [TS]

01:09:49 ◼   ► months on end was in constant combat [TS]

01:09:54 ◼   ► with myself and then actually you know [TS]

01:10:01 ◼   ► walked the last three days of that walk [TS]