Roderick on the Line

00:00:00 ◼   ► this episode of rock on the line is [TS]

00:00:01 ◼   ► brought to you by Squarespace start [TS]

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00:00:12 ◼   ► Squarespace build it beautiful [TS]

00:00:19 ◼   ► hello hi John hi Merlin how's it going [TS]

00:00:24 ◼   ► good how ru who I'm facing the fan [TS]

00:00:27 ◼   ► myself a little southern lady [TS]

00:00:29 ◼   ► uh-huh is it hot down there in [TS]

00:00:31 ◼   ► California a Oh John Rother you are [TS]

00:00:33 ◼   ► caution [TS]

00:00:34 ◼   ► yeah it's a no-no it's you know it's [TS]

00:00:38 ◼   ► like every day I should you know you [TS]

00:00:40 ◼   ► could just take a sharpie and write 51 [TS]

00:00:41 ◼   ► uh I phone screen that's pretty much 51 [TS]

00:00:44 ◼   ► 51 degrees 51 degrees with the with the [TS]

00:00:47 ◼   ► breeze off the ocean [TS]

00:00:48 ◼   ► yep yep yep yeah it's beautiful here in [TS]

00:00:51 ◼   ► Seattle because as you know global [TS]

00:00:53 ◼   ► warming which is really climate change [TS]

00:00:58 ◼   ► let's see on its climate change we got [TS]

00:01:00 ◼   ► it we got it we gotta work on that it is [TS]

00:01:02 ◼   ► turning Seattle into la jolla which is [TS]

00:01:06 ◼   ► which is wonderful i love that name [TS]

00:01:09 ◼   ► uh yeah la jolla home of dr. Seuss I [TS]

00:01:14 ◼   ► we're going to have a beautiful day here [TS]

00:01:17 ◼   ► that's going to have sea lions in it and [TS]

00:01:19 ◼   ► they're going to be a lot of surfers who [TS]

00:01:20 ◼   ► are very protective of their Beach [TS]

00:01:23 ◼   ► locals only so so that's what's [TS]

00:01:26 ◼   ► happening here and we're having a you [TS]

00:01:28 ◼   ► know we're having a great time property [TS]

00:01:29 ◼   ► values are skyrocketing and we couldn't [TS]

00:01:31 ◼   ► be more excited about it oh my god what [TS]

00:01:33 ◼   ► a great time to be a Seattle ition mm oh [TS]

00:01:36 ◼   ► my goodness you we are we you know just [TS]

00:01:39 ◼   ► administrivia we we were worried what we [TS]

00:01:41 ◼   ► could work in recording this week with [TS]

00:01:42 ◼   ► the with the with the holidays and what [TS]

00:01:44 ◼   ► nuneaton you know what you know what you [TS]

00:01:45 ◼   ► you hit me hit me on my burner em I said [TS]

00:01:48 ◼   ► what time i went to wear that was like [TS]

00:01:49 ◼   ► that was ten minutes ago [TS]

00:01:50 ◼   ► boom I was like I was pulling into a [TS]

00:01:52 ◼   ► parking lot and I was like you know [TS]

00:01:54 ◼   ► what's missing in my life you know what [TS]

00:01:56 ◼   ► is missing right now is Merlin man oh [TS]

00:01:58 ◼   ► man i need the show and i pinged you [TS]

00:02:01 ◼   ► being you know the thing is I've started [TS]

00:02:03 ◼   ► to say like helping you what why don't [TS]

00:02:05 ◼   ► you pick me [TS]

00:02:06 ◼   ► ping ping ping ping and it's surprising [TS]

00:02:09 ◼   ► how many people get upset about the use [TS]

00:02:12 ◼   ► of the word ping it like being in [TS]

00:02:14 ◼   ► transitively paint they don't want to [TS]

00:02:15 ◼   ► bed do not want to ping they do not want [TS]

00:02:18 ◼   ► to deepen how do you on ping is nice in [TS]

00:02:22 ◼   ► one way arm thing is nice because it [TS]

00:02:25 ◼   ► exists without respect to how one pings [TS]

00:02:29 ◼   ► so that could you call could be an email [TS]

00:02:31 ◼   ► could be a text and then it has the [TS]

00:02:33 ◼   ► and problems of not having that [TS]

00:02:34 ◼   ► specificity but I'm not uh oh geez [TS]

00:02:37 ◼   ► Louise of all the stupid stuff that [TS]

00:02:41 ◼   ► people say I ping is far from my biggest [TS]

00:02:43 ◼   ► right now [TS]

00:02:44 ◼   ► well I did the reason I use ping who not [TS]

00:02:49 ◼   ► just because of its association with him [TS]

00:02:51 ◼   ► with a very famous panda bear but also [TS]

00:02:55 ◼   ► because of time let's see one ping [TS]

00:02:59 ◼   ► Mowgli actually i finally saw that one [TS]

00:03:02 ◼   ► laughing like yes one ping only oh let [TS]

00:03:07 ◼   ► me leave may ask question [TS]

00:03:09 ◼   ► thank you um first-time caller the in [TS]

00:03:13 ◼   ► the process of going to probably should [TS]

00:03:15 ◼   ► get straight to the campaign [TS]

00:03:16 ◼   ► oh geez Wow why don't we wait and we can [TS]

00:03:18 ◼   ► save it for later I have a lot to have a [TS]

00:03:19 ◼   ► lot to talk about i have never looked up [TS]

00:03:22 ◼   ► to do you need to be many new chip [TS]

00:03:24 ◼   ► beetle beetle but by the way your [TS]

00:03:26 ◼   ► identity kandice impersonation was [TS]

00:03:27 ◼   ► impeccable shaman amo that's not like a [TS]

00:03:30 ◼   ► WoW building building the bundu gonna be [TS]

00:03:35 ◼   ► a little bit bow i think it is with his [TS]

00:03:38 ◼   ► arms that's just disturbing [TS]

00:03:40 ◼   ► well I think about when you think about [TS]

00:03:41 ◼   ► the I mean I sometimes try to put myself [TS]

00:03:43 ◼   ► in to anthony kiedis and see the world [TS]

00:03:47 ◼   ► through those eyes and imagine the life [TS]

00:03:51 ◼   ► that he led and I just feel so warm [TS]

00:03:55 ◼   ► oh ok i'll write something down here um [TS]

00:03:58 ◼   ► ok anyway so you want to jump you want [TS]

00:03:59 ◼   ► to jump right in oh I also went out [TS]

00:04:01 ◼   ► myself a little bit because for what our [TS]

00:04:04 ◼   ► mama call the autumn of 1988 i really [TS]

00:04:11 ◼   ► liked the red hot chili peppers mother's [TS]

00:04:14 ◼   ► milk [TS]

00:04:15 ◼   ► yeah if you see me getting mighty see me [TS]

00:04:17 ◼   ► getting high right knock me down let me [TS]

00:04:19 ◼   ► down there was none bigger than life [TS]

00:04:21 ◼   ► I'm not big on life that was good shit [TS]

00:04:23 ◼   ► it was really good and it had the truck [TS]

00:04:26 ◼   ► driver key change toward the end I don't [TS]

00:04:28 ◼   ► mind that I think they earned it [TS]

00:04:29 ◼   ► yeah they did and you know that was [TS]

00:04:31 ◼   ► that's one of the things about rock and [TS]

00:04:33 ◼   ► roll right you a band comes up you're [TS]

00:04:35 ◼   ► like this is interesting this is novel [TS]

00:04:37 ◼   ► who who knows which direction y trap is [TS]

00:04:41 ◼   ► going to go [TS]

00:04:41 ◼   ► who it could go a lot of ways and it [TS]

00:04:45 ◼   ► seemed like this [TS]

00:04:47 ◼   ► this might be the way I mean you know [TS]

00:04:48 ◼   ► punk and a punk [TS]

00:04:53 ◼   ► they've sound a lot alike they are the [TS]

00:04:55 ◼   ► very similar in the two great size [TS]

00:04:57 ◼   ► mhm and there was a there was a quite a [TS]

00:04:59 ◼   ► while there where like like punky punky [TS]

00:05:02 ◼   ► punky funk seemed like it might be the [TS]

00:05:05 ◼   ► might be the way to go i mean i remember [TS]

00:05:07 ◼   ► very distinctly in early nineteen [TS]

00:05:09 ◼   ► ninety-one telling everybody I knew that [TS]

00:05:13 ◼   ► this like sludgy dumb heavy rock thing [TS]

00:05:20 ◼   ► was really yesterday's news and what was [TS]

00:05:25 ◼   ► what the music of the future was going [TS]

00:05:27 ◼   ► to be was upbeat jangly pop and I was [TS]

00:05:33 ◼   ► correct but it took ten years of sludgy [TS]

00:05:38 ◼   ► grunge to get to upbeat generally pop [TS]

00:05:40 ◼   ► anywhere [TS]

00:05:42 ◼   ► yeah i mean with Rachel Paris it was [TS]

00:05:43 ◼   ► such a weird thing is they were they [TS]

00:05:46 ◼   ► were kind of their own thing for a while [TS]

00:05:47 ◼   ► they they had the reputation for being [TS]

00:05:48 ◼   ► naked in wearing socks on their [TS]

00:05:50 ◼   ► Johnson's and stuff like that and that [TS]

00:05:53 ◼   ► record store the well died [TS]

00:05:55 ◼   ► oh yeah right that's why he wants to be [TS]

00:05:57 ◼   ► knocked down yeah i think it was a shame [TS]

00:05:59 ◼   ► that was a shame but I'm and we traveled [TS]

00:06:02 ◼   ► out of town for the weekend and in [TS]

00:06:05 ◼   ► Sacramento man they got a radio station [TS]

00:06:07 ◼   ► there that I I didn't realize how much i [TS]

00:06:10 ◼   ► wish we had here which was like 10 1.1 i [TS]

00:06:14 ◼   ► think it was and it was a you know a lot [TS]

00:06:16 ◼   ► of the like where the urban in urban [TS]

00:06:20 ◼   ► stations will have the throwbacks you [TS]

00:06:22 ◼   ► have like a disco weekend they had like [TS]

00:06:23 ◼   ► it was all like nineties mostly nineties [TS]

00:06:27 ◼   ► hip-hop and it was amazing [TS]

00:06:31 ◼   ► good stuff it was a lot of stuff that I [TS]

00:06:32 ◼   ► was kind of tangentially aware because [TS]

00:06:34 ◼   ► my eye I had peak hip hop in probably [TS]

00:06:36 ◼   ► 1989-90 where I was just it was like [TS]

00:06:38 ◼   ► almost all listen to it like that and [TS]

00:06:39 ◼   ► Pixies like dinosaurs like all I [TS]

00:06:41 ◼   ► listened to and but I you know I I [TS]

00:06:44 ◼   ► wasn't like buying it and i think i [TS]

00:06:46 ◼   ► bought the house of payne to set was [TS]

00:06:48 ◼   ► like the last rap thing that i bought [TS]

00:06:50 ◼   ► but it was it was so crazy because like [TS]

00:06:52 ◼   ► song after song after song a lot of [TS]

00:06:54 ◼   ► these songs [TS]

00:06:55 ◼   ► had only heard sampled yes but Ben stuff [TS]

00:06:58 ◼   ► i had heard in years like the changing [TS]

00:06:59 ◼   ► chink chink dr dre and snoop dogg song [TS]

00:07:02 ◼   ► that's a pretty good song it is more [TS]

00:07:04 ◼   ► like what far side i forgot about far [TS]

00:07:07 ◼   ► side they were really good [TS]

00:07:09 ◼   ► uh-huh and what was what was the worst [TS]

00:07:11 ◼   ► side was killer then there was a while [TS]

00:07:13 ◼   ► we're far side felt like that was the [TS]

00:07:14 ◼   ► future far side was going to be a major [TS]

00:07:17 ◼   ► almost like picking up the mantle of De [TS]

00:07:19 ◼   ► La Soul in like you know what so you [TS]

00:07:21 ◼   ► don't have to play in the the kanye west [TS]

00:07:24 ◼   ► kind of us that gold digger song it's a [TS]

00:07:26 ◼   ► great tune for the first Laura Neil solo [TS]

00:07:30 ◼   ► record that's that's a bonafide classic [TS]

00:07:32 ◼   ► classic funny part is that here's the [TS]

00:07:34 ◼   ► funny part so the signal starts fading [TS]

00:07:36 ◼   ► away [TS]

00:07:36 ◼   ► hmm you know we put more rounds drive [TS]

00:07:38 ◼   ► there and you know we heard everything [TS]

00:07:44 ◼   ► everything all the words about this [TS]

00:07:46 ◼   ► particular band make me laugh Marcy [TS]

00:07:48 ◼   ► Playground oh bummer and I I guess I [TS]

00:07:51 ◼   ► didn't realize when danger [TS]

00:07:53 ◼   ► contemporaries yes in the year that [TS]

00:07:56 ◼   ► didn't exist 1997 right they had a [TS]

00:07:58 ◼   ► member there yet [TS]

00:07:59 ◼   ► my one candy rats male sex and candy be [TS]

00:08:04 ◼   ► really you do em especially like cells [TS]

00:08:06 ◼   ► me like he have a like you have a CD of [TS]

00:08:09 ◼   ► nirvana unplugged is what you smell [TS]

00:08:11 ◼   ► yeah I had shared a a shuttle bus ride [TS]

00:08:14 ◼   ► with those guys one time from the hotel [TS]

00:08:17 ◼   ► to the to the festival and I find that I [TS]

00:08:22 ◼   ► found them to be very smirky no no I'm [TS]

00:08:25 ◼   ► sorry like that [TS]

00:08:26 ◼   ► yeah they were smirky my only point [TS]

00:08:27 ◼   ► being it's it's funny how like Madeline [TS]

00:08:29 ◼   ► and I heard that song and were like you [TS]

00:08:31 ◼   ► know it's it really sounds kind of a lot [TS]

00:08:36 ◼   ► like life on a broad unplugged nirvana [TS]

00:08:38 ◼   ► unplugged specifically and really kind [TS]

00:08:41 ◼   ► of win-win was this like was this was [TS]

00:08:43 ◼   ► like 93 94 97 97 years and Xavier did [TS]

00:08:47 ◼   ► insist they were step was still [TS]

00:08:49 ◼   ► happening [TS]

00:08:50 ◼   ► yeah yeah what was not nearly as fresh [TS]

00:08:52 ◼   ► as like you know dr. dre computing that [TS]

00:08:55 ◼   ► you know not forget about him well and I [TS]

00:08:58 ◼   ► mean I i I'm [TS]

00:09:03 ◼   ► actually like literally having a music [TS]

00:09:05 ◼   ► stroke right now like I just said impian [TS]

00:09:11 ◼   ► went important it's not working i'm not [TS]

00:09:14 ◼   ► sure i'm much better I feel like I think [TS]

00:09:17 ◼   ► I pop the stand with us are so well [TS]

00:09:19 ◼   ► because said ever since you mention it [TS]

00:09:20 ◼   ► I've been just sitting here with the [TS]

00:09:22 ◼   ► with the with the constant repeat of [TS]

00:09:23 ◼   ► those who break the law [TS]

00:09:25 ◼   ► go straight to the house of payne it's [TS]

00:09:27 ◼   ► just been shouting in my head and I [TS]

00:09:29 ◼   ► don't remember I don't remember having [TS]

00:09:33 ◼   ► having earmarked such a loud little [TS]

00:09:35 ◼   ► place in my brain for that will just be [TS]

00:09:37 ◼   ► stored the track star like each you and [TS]

00:09:41 ◼   ► then like digest you like / like a [TS]

00:09:43 ◼   ► thousand years 5,000 years like there [TS]

00:09:45 ◼   ► are these little people that the Sarlacc [TS]

00:09:46 ◼   ► of my mind ate that I've completely [TS]

00:09:47 ◼   ► forgotten we're being digested and then [TS]

00:09:49 ◼   ► suddenly it comes popping up and go oh [TS]

00:09:51 ◼   ► my god it's just it's like you're there [TS]

00:09:53 ◼   ► again I had one of those this morning on [TS]

00:09:55 ◼   ► the was coming into town I saw under a [TS]

00:09:59 ◼   ► bridge there was a homeless person had [TS]

00:10:01 ◼   ► built a little sort of enclosure for [TS]

00:10:04 ◼   ► themselves out of Thompson's and bags [TS]

00:10:06 ◼   ► and shopping carts and so forth and they [TS]

00:10:08 ◼   ► had a bicycle change to what to the to [TS]

00:10:14 ◼   ► the handle of one of the carts that was [TS]

00:10:16 ◼   ► supporting their they're pretty [TS]

00:10:18 ◼   ► elaborate housing construction and the [TS]

00:10:22 ◼   ► bicycle was a very old specialized that [TS]

00:10:28 ◼   ► was a bike i had once owned and as I [TS]

00:10:32 ◼   ► drove past it just caught a glimpse of [TS]

00:10:33 ◼   ► this bike and I suddenly had this flash [TS]

00:10:36 ◼   ► back to nineteen eighty-seven it was [TS]

00:10:40 ◼   ► early days of mountain bikes and I [TS]

00:10:45 ◼   ► wanted to buy a mountain bike and I had [TS]

00:10:48 ◼   ► a friend but I didn't have any money so [TS]

00:10:49 ◼   ► i had a friend who had a friend who had [TS]

00:10:53 ◼   ► a cabin up at Big Lake in Alaska which [TS]

00:10:56 ◼   ► is quite a ways from Anchorage up to big [TS]

00:10:58 ◼   ► lake big lake was where all the like all [TS]

00:11:01 ◼   ► the rich kids their dads all had cabins [TS]

00:11:04 ◼   ► on big lake and you could fly up there [TS]

00:11:05 ◼   ► in a floatplane or you could drive up [TS]

00:11:07 ◼   ► there and it was one of the few lakes [TS]

00:11:10 ◼   ► you could drive to right at most lakes [TS]

00:11:12 ◼   ► you couldn't but big lake was accessible [TS]

00:11:15 ◼   ► it was where the jet skiing happened in [TS]

00:11:17 ◼   ► the water skiing so forth so I Drive up [TS]

00:11:19 ◼   ► to big lake with my friend sheffer [TS]

00:11:21 ◼   ► Shepherd knows a guy who's got a [TS]

00:11:24 ◼   ► mountain bike for sale and I get up [TS]

00:11:27 ◼   ► there and it's this specialized which [TS]

00:11:30 ◼   ► was not properly a mountain bike but it [TS]

00:11:32 ◼   ► was one of those early early bikes [TS]

00:11:37 ◼   ► wasn't i remember being a pretty not [TS]

00:11:40 ◼   ► cheap and pretty Hardy road bike [TS]

00:11:43 ◼   ► well it was so this was this had [TS]

00:11:45 ◼   ► stand-up handlebars it was built to look [TS]

00:11:48 ◼   ► like a mountain bike but it was very [TS]

00:11:52 ◼   ► very upright riding position and i think [TS]

00:11:55 ◼   ► it was it was before I don't know if you [TS]

00:11:58 ◼   ► remember this but early days of mountain [TS]

00:11:59 ◼   ► biking there was a lot of question about [TS]

00:12:01 ◼   ► what the frame geometry was gonna [TS]

00:12:04 ◼   ► eventually look like for mountain bikes [TS]

00:12:06 ◼   ► there were there was some argument that [TS]

00:12:08 ◼   ► a that when you spend more time riding [TS]

00:12:12 ◼   ► uphill than down so the frame geometry [TS]

00:12:14 ◼   ► should reflect a riding position that [TS]

00:12:16 ◼   ► was like level if you were climbing and [TS]

00:12:20 ◼   ► there was a lot of different radical [TS]

00:12:22 ◼   ► design ideas in early mountain bikes [TS]

00:12:24 ◼   ► before it all kind of settled down to [TS]

00:12:26 ◼   ► the overall general frame and this was [TS]

00:12:30 ◼   ► like this was actually probably best [TS]

00:12:33 ◼   ► described as a dad bike for but to my [TS]

00:12:37 ◼   ► net mid-eighties eyes it looked like a [TS]

00:12:40 ◼   ► mountain bike because it had these q's [TS]

00:12:43 ◼   ► these visual cues the the straight [TS]

00:12:45 ◼   ► handlebars the knobby tires the few [TS]

00:12:49 ◼   ► other things you know shimano components [TS]

00:12:50 ◼   ► all these things that I was excited [TS]

00:12:52 ◼   ► about and so the guy only wanted a [TS]

00:12:55 ◼   ► hundred bucks for it because he had [TS]

00:12:57 ◼   ► bought himself a proper mountain bike [TS]

00:12:59 ◼   ► and this was just a bike for riding [TS]

00:13:01 ◼   ► around town but I didn't know the [TS]

00:13:02 ◼   ► difference and I remember I remember [TS]

00:13:04 ◼   ► buying the so but anyway the first thing [TS]

00:13:07 ◼   ► we did before any of the the negotiation [TS]

00:13:10 ◼   ► before any transaction happened the [TS]

00:13:12 ◼   ► first thing we did was we all smoked a [TS]

00:13:14 ◼   ► ton of pot and then we were all really [TS]

00:13:17 ◼   ► baked and this was at an age I mean I [TS]

00:13:22 ◼   ► was always very strongly affected by pot [TS]

00:13:25 ◼   ► and.and I would get so stoned that I [TS]

00:13:30 ◼   ► could not function in anyone in any [TS]

00:13:34 ◼   ► right way I would just I would I would [TS]

00:13:37 ◼   ► become incapacitated by being too high [TS]

00:13:41 ◼   ► and we got stoned and then we're [TS]

00:13:45 ◼   ► negotiating a transaction which I could [TS]

00:13:49 ◼   ► not I could not handle my half of it and [TS]

00:13:54 ◼   ► then I he said you know like here's the [TS]

00:13:57 ◼   ► bike it's a hundred bucks and I was like [TS]

00:13:58 ◼   ► does the door and he said do you want to [TS]

00:14:01 ◼   ► take it for a test run and I was like [TS]

00:14:02 ◼   ► you know [TS]

00:14:03 ◼   ► yes and I got on the bike and not [TS]

00:14:05 ◼   ► understanding how mountain bikes worked [TS]

00:14:07 ◼   ► not ever having been on one [TS]

00:14:09 ◼   ► I assumed that you could just drive [TS]

00:14:11 ◼   ► anywhere on it and so I i wrote 15 feet [TS]

00:14:15 ◼   ► up the road off the road into the ditch [TS]

00:14:17 ◼   ► into what was four feet of standing [TS]

00:14:21 ◼   ► tractor mud and in my mind's eye I saw [TS]

00:14:27 ◼   ► myself [TS]

00:14:27 ◼   ► loading across the top of this tractor [TS]

00:14:29 ◼   ► be settling a mean I wasn't as bad as it [TS]

00:14:33 ◼   ► sounds it's worse on top of my new super [TS]

00:14:36 ◼   ► mountain bike I was just gonna like go [TS]

00:14:38 ◼   ► through this stuff a just just floating [TS]

00:14:42 ◼   ► on top of it like a like a superstar and [TS]

00:14:43 ◼   ► I went right into this tractor mud end [TS]

00:14:47 ◼   ► owed over the handlebars just into the [TS]

00:14:50 ◼   ► bike into the mud so that you could only [TS]

00:14:52 ◼   ► see the tips of my shoes and the end of [TS]

00:14:55 ◼   ► my nose and you have to know that these [TS]

00:14:58 ◼   ► guys up a big lake they were like true [TS]

00:15:01 ◼   ► Alaskan mountain bike bro [TS]

00:15:04 ◼   ► spike water-ski dudes and sheffer was to [TS]

00:15:10 ◼   ► you know they all had Birkenstocks they [TS]

00:15:13 ◼   ► all knew knew about all this stuff right [TS]

00:15:17 ◼   ► and so I'm already i'm already reppin [TS]

00:15:21 ◼   ► that I can't hold my weed because i'm [TS]

00:15:25 ◼   ► too baked and everybody can tell them to [TS]

00:15:27 ◼   ► baked and I don't know anything about [TS]

00:15:29 ◼   ► mountain bikes and then i go over the [TS]

00:15:31 ◼   ► handlebars into the by just i rode down [TS]

00:15:33 ◼   ► the hill into a thing where any normal [TS]

00:15:36 ◼   ► sensible person would have looked and [TS]

00:15:37 ◼   ► said what are you doing [TS]

00:15:38 ◼   ► we don't go down what do you think and [TS]

00:15:40 ◼   ► then just splat right and there it's not [TS]

00:15:45 ◼   ► that they're trying not to laugh it it's [TS]

00:15:48 ◼   ► so stupid is even funny like think [TS]

00:15:51 ◼   ► they're not it's not that they're [TS]

00:15:52 ◼   ► laughing they are they are seriously [TS]

00:15:54 ◼   ► like what is wrong with this person and [TS]

00:15:57 ◼   ► then I think they get me out of the mud [TS]

00:15:59 ◼   ► they clean me off I'll take it and then [TS]

00:16:02 ◼   ► they said somehow we're all standing [TS]

00:16:05 ◼   ► around right and we're gonna go well i [TS]

00:16:09 ◼   ► think i think still too although now i'm [TS]

00:16:13 ◼   ► wet and cold [TS]

00:16:14 ◼   ► we're gonna go out on their boat for a [TS]

00:16:18 ◼   ► minute and somehow I screw up their boat [TS]

00:16:21 ◼   ► like I got in the boat wrong I i sat in [TS]

00:16:24 ◼   ► the driver's seat and turn on the engine [TS]

00:16:27 ◼   ► Milton there wasn't any gas in it or [TS]

00:16:29 ◼   ► decided I burnt suddenly the like the [TS]

00:16:31 ◼   ► boat is the boat motors smoking and [TS]

00:16:34 ◼   ► everybody's yelling at me and i don't [TS]

00:16:36 ◼   ► i'm not proud of my performance that day [TS]

00:16:40 ◼   ► and i remember that i remember these [TS]

00:16:43 ◼   ► guys looking at me and like one of them [TS]

00:16:45 ◼   ► saying like you know you like the [TS]

00:16:47 ◼   ► dumbest guy I've ever met and and what's [TS]

00:16:52 ◼   ► amazing about it is that those guys are [TS]

00:16:55 ◼   ► still alive probably they're no older [TS]

00:16:57 ◼   ► than I am there in the world somewhere [TS]

00:17:00 ◼   ► these two guys in their mid forties [TS]

00:17:03 ◼   ► probably living in Alaska and if my name [TS]

00:17:06 ◼   ► comes up in conversation [TS]

00:17:08 ◼   ► those two guys have a have one really [TS]

00:17:11 ◼   ► fantastic story about what an idiot I am [TS]

00:17:15 ◼   ► and they're not wrong I i am in in that [TS]

00:17:21 ◼   ► respect the dumbest guy either of those [TS]

00:17:23 ◼   ► two guys ever met [TS]

00:17:25 ◼   ► wow so that was what I was that that was [TS]

00:17:28 ◼   ► my little like I'm glad to know that I [TS]

00:17:30 ◼   ► stored that whole very hazy story [TS]

00:17:34 ◼   ► somewhere in my head to come out at the [TS]

00:17:37 ◼   ► suggestion of this specialized bike that [TS]

00:17:40 ◼   ► I caught out of the corner of my eye on [TS]

00:17:42 ◼   ► that so that and that Augustine flashing [TS]

00:17:44 ◼   ► back it all just the entire thing and [TS]

00:17:46 ◼   ► you know and I'm i think I'm i think i'm [TS]

00:17:48 ◼   ► confusing it with another time that [TS]

00:17:49 ◼   ► Peter no second i went up to big lake [TS]

00:17:52 ◼   ► and and also got into trouble and pretty [TS]

00:17:58 ◼   ► much every time I went to Big Lake I got [TS]

00:17:59 ◼   ► in trouble with somebody and i realized [TS]

00:18:02 ◼   ► i needed to just stop going to big like [TS]

00:18:03 ◼   ► it wasn't that was not ever going to be [TS]

00:18:05 ◼   ► my scene [TS]

00:18:06 ◼   ► uh-huh i went to a party at a cabin one [TS]

00:18:08 ◼   ► time a big lake and I showed up and they [TS]

00:18:10 ◼   ► were all the people that had gone to my [TS]

00:18:11 ◼   ► high school but they were all the [TS]

00:18:12 ◼   ► beautiful ones and for whatever reason [TS]

00:18:15 ◼   ► that day for some other reason I'm not [TS]

00:18:19 ◼   ► sure why but I chose to wear a tuxedo [TS]

00:18:21 ◼   ► and I showed up at this lake cabin where [TS]

00:18:24 ◼   ► everyone else is in bikinis and James [TS]

00:18:28 ◼   ► remember jams of course I did yeah [TS]

00:18:30 ◼   ► everybody's in jams and bikinis and [TS]

00:18:32 ◼   ► they're all jumping off the dock and [TS]

00:18:34 ◼   ► they're all like jet skiing and [TS]

00:18:35 ◼   ► everything very very Alaskan version of [TS]

00:18:38 ◼   ► like beach blanket bingo and jen you're [TS]

00:18:41 ◼   ► in there in the rat pack and I'm there [TS]

00:18:42 ◼   ► and I'm you know I'm just like I'm [TS]

00:18:45 ◼   ► probably 25 pounds over my my normal [TS]

00:18:48 ◼   ► weight and i'm wearing a brown tuxedo [TS]

00:18:50 ◼   ► and you know and I had long hair and it [TS]

00:18:55 ◼   ► was just like that people were walking [TS]

00:18:57 ◼   ► something front and we'll acted and [TS]

00:19:00 ◼   ► looked like Brian Wilson but I didn't [TS]

00:19:02 ◼   ► have the good sense to either stay in [TS]

00:19:03 ◼   ► the car or drive back to the town where [TS]

00:19:05 ◼   ► ever I walked right down on the dock and [TS]

00:19:07 ◼   ► so I'm standing on the dot i'm standing [TS]

00:19:09 ◼   ► on the dock [TS]

00:19:11 ◼   ► it's an Abercrombie & Fitch ad all [TS]

00:19:13 ◼   ► around me and it was one of those things [TS]

00:19:16 ◼   ► i used to get this used to be true all [TS]

00:19:17 ◼   ► the time my mere presence in the scene [TS]

00:19:21 ◼   ► bummed everyone else and like about come [TS]

00:19:25 ◼   ► on really [TS]

00:19:26 ◼   ► my mere presence there made sure that no [TS]

00:19:29 ◼   ► one was going to have sex that afternoon [TS]

00:19:30 ◼   ► because everybody suddenly lost the mood [TS]

00:19:34 ◼   ► and so that you know like all the [TS]

00:19:37 ◼   ► dudebros we're looking at me like to [TS]

00:19:39 ◼   ► just like get out of here or something [TS]

00:19:42 ◼   ► like just go [TS]

00:19:43 ◼   ► I don't know go for a walk down the dirt [TS]

00:19:45 ◼   ► road or something I'm like what do you [TS]

00:19:46 ◼   ► mean I that when i was also smoking and [TS]

00:19:51 ◼   ► a you know and probably like drinking [TS]

00:19:53 ◼   ► whiskey out of a milk bottle [TS]

00:19:56 ◼   ► everything about it was meant for any [TS]

00:20:01 ◼   ► for from another place and and probably [TS]

00:20:04 ◼   ► a place that did not exist maybe a place [TS]

00:20:07 ◼   ► that would never exist [TS]

00:20:09 ◼   ► oh god it's so brutal all i have to do [TS]

00:20:13 ◼   ► is just see this this bicycle on the [TS]

00:20:14 ◼   ► street today and it's all they're all [TS]

00:20:17 ◼   ► waiting for me [TS]

00:20:18 ◼   ► there's nobody there who kind of pull [TS]

00:20:19 ◼   ► you aside and go you know you needed a [TS]

00:20:21 ◼   ► couple of these interesting expectations [TS]

00:20:23 ◼   ► and things even met one just maybe leave [TS]

00:20:25 ◼   ► those on the counter next nobody could [TS]

00:20:26 ◼   ► nobody could because because there [TS]

00:20:28 ◼   ► wasn't a single other person at the [TS]

00:20:29 ◼   ► party I mean my friend Peter loved to [TS]

00:20:32 ◼   ► take me places where he could turn me [TS]

00:20:35 ◼   ► loose like the elephant man he he he [TS]

00:20:38 ◼   ► loved he loved you know Peter was always [TS]

00:20:40 ◼   ► Peter was was he had a good sense of [TS]

00:20:43 ◼   ► what to do how to handle himself he was [TS]

00:20:46 ◼   ► not like ever the chicest person but he [TS]

00:20:49 ◼   ► knew how to be at any party and seemed [TS]

00:20:53 ◼   ► like he belonged there [TS]

00:20:54 ◼   ► alright um and what Peter loved to roll [TS]

00:20:59 ◼   ► me into places and turn me loose and it [TS]

00:21:03 ◼   ► was and and and people at the party [TS]

00:21:04 ◼   ► would be like who in five who invited [TS]

00:21:08 ◼   ► this gorilla and it and you know and [TS]

00:21:11 ◼   ► Peter was happy to claim responsibility [TS]

00:21:12 ◼   ► but but never but somehow was able also [TS]

00:21:17 ◼   ► to disavow all my crimes right so he [TS]

00:21:21 ◼   ► could he could take credit for having [TS]

00:21:23 ◼   ► brought this monster to the party but it [TS]

00:21:26 ◼   ► was not his prayer was but I mean he got [TS]

00:21:28 ◼   ► chased out of a lot of parties to that [TS]

00:21:31 ◼   ► but anyway as my chaperone but it's also [TS]

00:21:34 ◼   ► it's different to i don't know i may be [TS]

00:21:39 ◼   ► different kind of thing but I feel like [TS]

00:21:40 ◼   ► there's this certain kind of feeling [TS]

00:21:41 ◼   ► were and I am I had when I especially [TS]

00:21:43 ◼   ► like junior high and so high school I [TS]

00:21:45 ◼   ► was so freaking weird because I kind of [TS]

00:21:47 ◼   ► wanted to be weird but I didn't realize [TS]

00:21:49 ◼   ► that the look I was coming up with [TS]

00:21:51 ◼   ► wasn't really pulled together too well [TS]

00:21:53 ◼   ► and it combined too many disparate [TS]

00:21:55 ◼   ► elements and you know this it's it's a [TS]

00:21:57 ◼   ► sort of always feel like I never quite [TS]

00:21:58 ◼   ► knew how to comb my hair to make it look [TS]

00:22:00 ◼   ► like other people's hair even when I [TS]

00:22:02 ◼   ► wore what you know theoretically the [TS]

00:22:04 ◼   ► same kinds of clothes other people that [TS]

00:22:06 ◼   ► didn't look right i still look like me [TS]

00:22:07 ◼   ► it just [TS]

00:22:09 ◼   ► and in like it's what I would just I [TS]

00:22:10 ◼   ► would kill for that ability to just be [TS]

00:22:13 ◼   ► an average person at an event and not [TS]

00:22:15 ◼   ► feel like a like a bizarre social [TS]

00:22:17 ◼   ► experiment [TS]

00:22:18 ◼   ► me too and particularly when when young [TS]

00:22:22 ◼   ► people started to make out with each [TS]

00:22:24 ◼   ► other and want to go make out with each [TS]

00:22:25 ◼   ► other and want to go have sex with each [TS]

00:22:27 ◼   ► other like I had a perverse pride in [TS]

00:22:30 ◼   ► being the the last man standing right [TS]

00:22:34 ◼   ► here in ER you're in a room and [TS]

00:22:36 ◼   ► everybody goes off into the into the [TS]

00:22:37 ◼   ► dark back corners [TS]

00:22:39 ◼   ► it's what you want the saddest game of [TS]

00:22:41 ◼   ► musical chairs yeah and I'm sitting out [TS]

00:22:43 ◼   ► there you know i'm sitting out there [TS]

00:22:44 ◼   ► going through the their parents jazz LP [TS]

00:22:46 ◼   ► is going wow this is a very rare record [TS]

00:22:49 ◼   ► this this is an extremely rare album we [TS]

00:22:53 ◼   ► heard you just below her chick low [TS]

00:22:56 ◼   ► anyway if never felt that never felt a [TS]

00:23:01 ◼   ► net because because then you know when i [TS]

00:23:05 ◼   ► started to hang out with weirdos [TS]

00:23:07 ◼   ► I hoped that the weirdos would that I'd [TS]

00:23:11 ◼   ► find my found my people but of course [TS]

00:23:14 ◼   ► that's not true either [TS]

00:23:16 ◼   ► you know I just still can't eat those in [TS]

00:23:18 ◼   ► a methodology even to being a weirdo [TS]

00:23:20 ◼   ► like being a weirdo in there in the [TS]

00:23:22 ◼   ► right way [TS]

00:23:23 ◼   ► yeah yeah and the weirdos want to go [TS]

00:23:25 ◼   ► make out with each other and I [TS]

00:23:27 ◼   ► desperately wanted to go make out with [TS]

00:23:29 ◼   ► somebody i just did not know how to [TS]

00:23:32 ◼   ► affect that I never felt like I had any [TS]

00:23:35 ◼   ► access to that I mean people who would [TS]

00:23:38 ◼   ► just meet at a party and make out and [TS]

00:23:41 ◼   ► then go their separate ways [TS]

00:23:42 ◼   ► I mean I might as well like wanted to [TS]

00:23:45 ◼   ► sprout wings that seems so foreign to me [TS]

00:23:47 ◼   ► yeah yeah particularly when you could be [TS]

00:23:50 ◼   ► arguing about LBJ in the well and a lot [TS]

00:23:55 ◼   ► of times arguing about LBJ in the mirror [TS]

00:23:58 ◼   ► because you couldn't find anybody else [TS]

00:24:00 ◼   ► to argue about LBJ with you and the [TS]

00:24:03 ◼   ► field you know the few times where I [TS]

00:24:04 ◼   ► would be at a party there would be an [TS]

00:24:06 ◼   ► attractive woman there we would start [TS]

00:24:08 ◼   ► talking we would start talking about LBJ [TS]

00:24:10 ◼   ► she would be really smart on the topic [TS]

00:24:14 ◼   ► of LBJ that it made it somehow even [TS]

00:24:17 ◼   ► worse i would i would have to throw [TS]

00:24:19 ◼   ► myself off the balcony to get away from [TS]

00:24:22 ◼   ► this [TS]

00:24:22 ◼   ► fascinating charming woman who wanted to [TS]

00:24:24 ◼   ► talk about LBJ with me so case you might [TS]

00:24:27 ◼   ► have just been like a temporary safe [TS]

00:24:29 ◼   ► harbor at the party like somebody to [TS]

00:24:31 ◼   ► talk to and not feel hassles or not feel [TS]

00:24:33 ◼   ► you know well no she was chief had [TS]

00:24:35 ◼   ► finally found someone to talk to about [TS]

00:24:36 ◼   ► LBJ to only on anything more tragic and [TS]

00:24:39 ◼   ► all the more tragic that then i had to [TS]

00:24:41 ◼   ► run out and as I was running out the [TS]

00:24:45 ◼   ► last decision i made as I was running [TS]

00:24:46 ◼   ► out of the house was to steal [TS]

00:24:48 ◼   ► everybody's shoes right so that was [TS]

00:24:51 ◼   ► never I never given just ran out i also [TS]

00:24:54 ◼   ► took everybody shoes and then was [TS]

00:24:56 ◼   ► remembered for the rest of its subtle [TS]

00:24:59 ◼   ► weaker arrested up the year right as the [TS]

00:25:01 ◼   ► that fucking guy who was told everybody [TS]

00:25:04 ◼   ► shoes that are fat guy in a brown tuxedo [TS]

00:25:07 ◼   ► is stuck in the film everybody shoes he [TS]

00:25:10 ◼   ► was you know he was talking to that [TS]

00:25:11 ◼   ► other weird girl for a long time and [TS]

00:25:13 ◼   ► then he stole everybody shoes including [TS]

00:25:15 ◼   ► hers like didn't even and didn't do [TS]

00:25:18 ◼   ► anything with him just put him in the [TS]

00:25:19 ◼   ► trunk of his car and drove around career [TS]

00:25:20 ◼   ► like there's just no and I have to I [TS]

00:25:24 ◼   ► have to say that it because i went to [TS]

00:25:25 ◼   ► kindergarten when I was four [TS]

00:25:27 ◼   ► yeah and if I had waited a year maybe my [TS]

00:25:31 ◼   ► whole life would be different maybe I [TS]

00:25:33 ◼   ► would have been so much better if I had [TS]

00:25:36 ◼   ► just spent that extra year being a kid [TS]

00:25:40 ◼   ► you you are me maybe kidding but I think [TS]

00:25:43 ◼   ► about that a lot [TS]

00:25:44 ◼   ► mhm and it was instrumental in our [TS]

00:25:46 ◼   ► decision to have our kid a holdback we [TS]

00:25:51 ◼   ► redshirted her every year I am [TS]

00:25:53 ◼   ► powerfully not kidding i feel like if i [TS]

00:25:55 ◼   ► had been if I'd gone if I because there [TS]

00:25:58 ◼   ► were kids I mean I had a good friend in [TS]

00:26:00 ◼   ► high school who was in 11th grade when i [TS]

00:26:02 ◼   ► was in 12th grade and he and I had the [TS]

00:26:04 ◼   ► exact same birthday and yeah he was [TS]

00:26:08 ◼   ► Rico suave in his own grade and I was [TS]

00:26:14 ◼   ► mean but by senior year I had figured [TS]

00:26:16 ◼   ► out a way to be a part of the part of [TS]

00:26:20 ◼   ► the culture and part of the class and to [TS]

00:26:22 ◼   ► be somebody who mattered but uh but I [TS]

00:26:26 ◼   ► was not ever [TS]

00:26:28 ◼   ► mature enough to to play the reindeer [TS]

00:26:32 ◼   ► gayness you know what I mean I kill him [TS]

00:26:34 ◼   ► but you think about like even just [TS]

00:26:36 ◼   ► looking normal I think about I've told [TS]

00:26:38 ◼   ► you before I think I really see this in [TS]

00:26:40 ◼   ► 5th graders at my kids school because [TS]

00:26:43 ◼   ► it's kindergarten to fifth grade and the [TS]

00:26:45 ◼   ► thing is the the standard deviation on [TS]

00:26:48 ◼   ► maturity and fifth-graders is nothing [TS]

00:26:50 ◼   ► short of mind-boggling [TS]

00:26:51 ◼   ► there are a couple couple guys but [TS]

00:26:55 ◼   ► especially they're like these three [TS]

00:26:56 ◼   ► girls who are obviously like in charge [TS]

00:26:58 ◼   ► of the school and to these girls were [TS]

00:27:00 ◼   ► taller than I am and they look about 16 [TS]

00:27:03 ◼   ► and they're in fifth grade and then of [TS]

00:27:05 ◼   ► course there are there a lot of kids are [TS]

00:27:07 ◼   ► just random kids with boogers and then [TS]

00:27:09 ◼   ► there are some fifth graders my daughter [TS]

00:27:11 ◼   ► my daughter is taller than and she's in [TS]

00:27:13 ◼   ► first grade [TS]

00:27:14 ◼   ► it'sit's so you think about that just [TS]

00:27:15 ◼   ► even if even taking that into account [TS]

00:27:17 ◼   ► but then imagine adding or subtracting a [TS]

00:27:19 ◼   ► year from that and you can see how [TS]

00:27:20 ◼   ► completely bananas that can get you know [TS]

00:27:23 ◼   ► if it you know ways against you the [TS]

00:27:25 ◼   ► wrong [TS]

00:27:26 ◼   ► the funny thing is like my kid this is [TS]

00:27:27 ◼   ► her last week of school she's in for [TS]

00:27:29 ◼   ► ending first grade this week and this is [TS]

00:27:31 ◼   ► her fifth year of being in school which [TS]

00:27:34 ◼   ► I sometimes think about and I think how [TS]

00:27:35 ◼   ► how strange and different that is then [TS]

00:27:39 ◼   ► when I was a kid where she had three [TS]

00:27:41 ◼   ► years of preschool we had heard you a [TS]

00:27:43 ◼   ► graduate year in preschool and that was [TS]

00:27:46 ◼   ► the year we gonna say hey you know still [TS]

00:27:47 ◼   ► we love this place we really like this [TS]

00:27:48 ◼   ► place [TS]

00:27:49 ◼   ► she was kind of shy you know and we [TS]

00:27:51 ◼   ► thought I you know my daughter my uh my [TS]

00:27:53 ◼   ► wife started school on the early side i [TS]

00:27:55 ◼   ► started going the late side and we both [TS]

00:27:57 ◼   ► agree that i had the better deal [TS]

00:27:58 ◼   ► everybody i know he started later I you [TS]

00:28:01 ◼   ► know I think there's a thing today of [TS]

00:28:02 ◼   ► like we should put your kid harder put [TS]

00:28:03 ◼   ► your tiny little four-year-old and [TS]

00:28:04 ◼   ► kindergarten whatever that's everybody's [TS]

00:28:06 ◼   ► personal choice like if your kid can [TS]

00:28:07 ◼   ► read really well and therefore it seems [TS]

00:28:09 ◼   ► like a no-brainer don't hold him back [TS]

00:28:10 ◼   ► but I think about that now and like it's [TS]

00:28:13 ◼   ► like when I was a kid [TS]

00:28:15 ◼   ► this I must be honest you stayed at home [TS]

00:28:18 ◼   ► with your mom mostly or with a family [TS]

00:28:19 ◼   ► member i did not know that many kids who [TS]

00:28:22 ◼   ► weren't Catholic that went to school [TS]

00:28:24 ◼   ► before kindergarten almost all the [TS]

00:28:26 ◼   ► Catholic kids went to preschool or [TS]

00:28:28 ◼   ► nursery school as they called them you [TS]

00:28:30 ◼   ► know what i mean so much I mean now I [TS]

00:28:32 ◼   ► think about oh my god it's no wonder it [TS]

00:28:34 ◼   ► was such a weirdo [TS]

00:28:35 ◼   ► I was at home with my mom all day and [TS]

00:28:38 ◼   ► and play my parenting my own little [TS]

00:28:39 ◼   ► personal reindeer games and talking into [TS]

00:28:41 ◼   ► the mirror about LBJ and then the hey [TS]

00:28:43 ◼   ► Here I am and I was a good reader and [TS]

00:28:45 ◼   ► stuff like I was a smart kid but I show [TS]

00:28:46 ◼   ► up in fifth grade and I was like you [TS]

00:28:48 ◼   ► know [TS]

00:28:48 ◼   ► well I remember just feeling like [TS]

00:28:50 ◼   ► everybody here I've said this before [TS]

00:28:52 ◼   ► also but I really feel like everybody [TS]

00:28:53 ◼   ► here got a manual that I didn't get have [TS]

00:28:55 ◼   ► no idea how to conduct myself with these [TS]

00:28:57 ◼   ► other kids i have no idea how to how to [TS]

00:28:59 ◼   ► scrap for status even in kindergarten [TS]

00:29:02 ◼   ► and now I mean it's weird because I mean [TS]

00:29:04 ◼   ► that the truth is that those three years [TS]

00:29:06 ◼   ► of school really good thing for my kids [TS]

00:29:07 ◼   ► she showed up in kindergarten and she [TS]

00:29:09 ◼   ► kind of already knew like how a day goes [TS]

00:29:10 ◼   ► it seems like it seems I mean like [TS]

00:29:13 ◼   ► criticizing but like that's I mean I [TS]

00:29:16 ◼   ► don't know I feel like I could use that [TS]

00:29:17 ◼   ► I really could have used a remedial [TS]

00:29:18 ◼   ► course on how to be a little kid and [TS]

00:29:21 ◼   ► that would have that would help for the [TS]

00:29:22 ◼   ► beginning my god it [TS]

00:29:25 ◼   ► yeah I a remedial course in how to be a [TS]

00:29:27 ◼   ► little kid I think I still would have [TS]

00:29:29 ◼   ► benefited from it [TS]

00:29:31 ◼   ► my second year in college oh well you [TS]

00:29:34 ◼   ► know the thing is you're kind of by the [TS]

00:29:36 ◼   ► time on I'm this broad numbers here but [TS]

00:29:38 ◼   ► i think by the time if you've got a [TS]

00:29:40 ◼   ► relatively stable home life and like a [TS]

00:29:43 ◼   ► relatively you know stable normal public [TS]

00:29:45 ◼   ► school i think by 3rd or 4th grade most [TS]

00:29:49 ◼   ► kids know how stuff should work like you [TS]

00:29:52 ◼   ► pick up an awful lot when you're a [TS]

00:29:53 ◼   ► little kid and if you choose to do [TS]

00:29:56 ◼   ► something different from what's expected [TS]

00:29:57 ◼   ► of you you do so with full knowledge of [TS]

00:29:59 ◼   ► what the consequences or you know ups or [TS]

00:30:02 ◼   ► downs of that are but I think there's a [TS]

00:30:04 ◼   ► latent period where you get you just get [TS]

00:30:06 ◼   ► so goofy for a while and then maybe you [TS]

00:30:08 ◼   ► come back and maybe like oh you know [TS]

00:30:10 ◼   ► sophomore year of high school I kind of [TS]

00:30:12 ◼   ► got it together or whatever like every [TS]

00:30:13 ◼   ► kid is different but you're totally [TS]

00:30:14 ◼   ► right [TS]

00:30:15 ◼   ► second-year college is a bloodbath I [TS]

00:30:18 ◼   ► feel like I feel like my sophomore year [TS]

00:30:20 ◼   ► in high school was the first one where I [TS]

00:30:22 ◼   ► started to kind of get it together but i [TS]

00:30:23 ◼   ► remember in grade school through to two [TS]

00:30:28 ◼   ► kids one when I was in grade school in [TS]

00:30:30 ◼   ► Seattle like fourth grade and he was he [TS]

00:30:35 ◼   ► was small but the girls loved him and he [TS]

00:30:41 ◼   ► was you know quiet and smooth and cool [TS]

00:30:43 ◼   ► right he he was like the kid in Bad News [TS]

00:30:49 ◼   ► Bears that drop the motorcycle who he [TS]

00:30:52 ◼   ► wasn't he wasn't bad it wasn't good [TS]

00:30:55 ◼   ► he was cool man in fourth grade I can't [TS]

00:31:01 ◼   ► and I was big even then and loud even [TS]

00:31:05 ◼   ► then and I i remember going over to his [TS]

00:31:10 ◼   ► house a couple of times he was nice to [TS]

00:31:13 ◼   ► me but there was there was cool in him [TS]

00:31:17 ◼   ► that was never gonna rub off on me and [TS]

00:31:22 ◼   ► he was comfortable in it he was [TS]

00:31:24 ◼   ► comfortable with 4th grade girls but he [TS]

00:31:28 ◼   ► wasn't you know he wasn't playing with [TS]

00:31:32 ◼   ► them he wasn't playing house with them [TS]

00:31:35 ◼   ► he was already cool enough that they had [TS]

00:31:40 ◼   ► crushes on him a whole different a whole [TS]

00:31:44 ◼   ► different concept like it better like [TS]

00:31:47 ◼   ► he's got a certain kind of like a [TS]

00:31:49 ◼   ► surprising amount of agency [TS]

00:31:50 ◼   ► yep yep he was you know he liked talk to [TS]

00:31:55 ◼   ► his parents i don't i'm not sure if he [TS]

00:31:56 ◼   ► called his parents by their first names [TS]

00:31:58 ◼   ► but it felt like that in his home and [TS]

00:32:01 ◼   ► there was just like he was just [TS]

00:32:03 ◼   ► self-possessed in a way that I wouldn't [TS]

00:32:05 ◼   ► be four decades and then when i moved to [TS]

00:32:08 ◼   ► Alaska there was a another little boy he [TS]

00:32:11 ◼   ► was very small compared to me and you [TS]

00:32:15 ◼   ► know like his name was Brian nominee and [TS]

00:32:19 ◼   ► a lorry basler loved Brian nominee and I [TS]

00:32:25 ◼   ► love Lori basler and there was this to [TS]

00:32:29 ◼   ► the this is terrible [TS]

00:32:31 ◼   ► it caused me to not like Brian nominee [TS]

00:32:35 ◼   ► even though brian amy was perfectly good [TS]

00:32:38 ◼   ► to me and made no he made no overture to [TS]

00:32:43 ◼   ► Lori basler he just was himself cool and [TS]

00:32:48 ◼   ► small and blond and had long straight [TS]

00:32:51 ◼   ► hair parted in the middle that he comes [TS]

00:32:53 ◼   ► with a goodie comb and he was good at [TS]

00:32:55 ◼   ► roller skating but he was just he didn't [TS]

00:32:59 ◼   ► he wasn't pushy [TS]

00:33:01 ◼   ► he was just cool and I couldn't [TS]

00:33:04 ◼   ► understand i mean i could very much [TS]

00:33:06 ◼   ► understand what Larry Bosler saw him I [TS]

00:33:09 ◼   ► couldn't understand how to make myself [TS]

00:33:12 ◼   ► b.p different and just just and you know [TS]

00:33:18 ◼   ► and and the girl who liked me was Chris [TS]

00:33:22 ◼   ► Fayette and crisp yet had headgear and [TS]

00:33:26 ◼   ► big freckles and what I think about it [TS]

00:33:32 ◼   ► now I should have just loved crispy add [TS]

00:33:34 ◼   ► that would have made everything so much [TS]

00:33:36 ◼   ► better for me in my life but I couldn't [TS]

00:33:40 ◼   ► love crispy and I had the lovely basler [TS]

00:33:42 ◼   ► very badly as a very credible name this [TS]

00:33:47 ◼   ► episode of rock on the line is brought [TS]

00:33:48 ◼   ► to you by Squarespace you can start [TS]

00:33:50 ◼   ► building your very own Squarespace site [TS]

00:33:52 ◼   ► today by visiting squarespace.com [TS]

00:33:54 ◼   ► remember when you checkout always use [TS]

00:33:56 ◼   ► that offer code supertrain for ten [TS]

00:33:58 ◼   ► percent off gang i have been using [TS]

00:34:00 ◼   ► square space for over five years now [TS]

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00:34:21 ◼   ► security and stability Squarespace is [TS]

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00:34:27 ◼   ► the crazy part is Squarespace sites [TS]

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00:34:35 ◼   ► recommend John and I have u square space [TS]

00:34:37 ◼   ► to host rock on the line for three years [TS]

00:34:40 ◼   ► and they've been just great to work with [TS]

00:34:41 ◼   ► totally seamless we would love it if you [TS]

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00:34:47 ◼   ► card required just visit squarespace.com [TS]

00:34:50 ◼   ► when you're ready to sign up for [TS]

00:34:52 ◼   ► Squarespace make sure to use the very [TS]

00:34:54 ◼   ► special offer code supertrain and you [TS]

00:34:56 ◼   ► will get ten percent off your first [TS]

00:34:58 ◼   ► purchase our thanks to squarespace for [TS]

00:35:00 ◼   ► making the web so beautiful and for [TS]

00:35:02 ◼   ► supporting rider on the line [TS]

00:35:04 ◼   ► Squarespace build it beautiful Lori [TS]

00:35:06 ◼   ► burns like me in cary colomer is not a [TS]

00:35:08 ◼   ► criminal named Carrie colomer yeah she [TS]

00:35:11 ◼   ► had a twin sister sharing sharing [TS]

00:35:12 ◼   ► kerikeri and sherry colomer dar I oh my [TS]

00:35:17 ◼   ► god you don't even know how many times i [TS]

00:35:19 ◼   ► wrote the name Carrie colomer over and [TS]

00:35:21 ◼   ► over i can i can only imagine i feel [TS]

00:35:24 ◼   ► like that [TS]

00:35:24 ◼   ► close like this close but i just i don't [TS]

00:35:26 ◼   ► i wasn't i wasn't in her League and you [TS]

00:35:29 ◼   ► know and the thing is what we're [TS]

00:35:30 ◼   ► describing partly as you you have this [TS]

00:35:32 ◼   ► get this certain stink on you maybe not [TS]

00:35:35 ◼   ► in the literal sense but there's a [TS]

00:35:36 ◼   ► certain kind of like we talked about [TS]

00:35:37 ◼   ► cool like we know who's a Paragon cool [TS]

00:35:39 ◼   ► maybe Miles Davis like what is cool cool [TS]

00:35:42 ◼   ► is like you say agency being [TS]

00:35:44 ◼   ► self-possessed and it is not it's not [TS]

00:35:47 ◼   ► that the thing is acting like a hipster [TS]

00:35:49 ◼   ► doofus is really negative about [TS]

00:35:51 ◼   ► everything is is a kind of a reflection [TS]

00:35:53 ◼   ► or shadow of cool but the real cool is [TS]

00:35:56 ◼   ► someone who's their own person that's to [TS]

00:35:58 ◼   ► me that's what cool is I mean to captain [TS]

00:36:00 ◼   ► beefheart is cool in in his way [TS]

00:36:02 ◼   ► there's a lot of people were really cool [TS]

00:36:03 ◼   ► like but I mean like the things in that [TS]

00:36:04 ◼   ► sense you and I are very cool but that's [TS]

00:36:08 ◼   ► right the mascara snake it's just it's [TS]

00:36:11 ◼   ► just that kind of cool in fifth grade [TS]

00:36:14 ◼   ► anyway I still refuse to put on [TS]

00:36:17 ◼   ► headphones when i record i just listened [TS]

00:36:19 ◼   ► to vibrations but you know buddy and [TS]

00:36:21 ◼   ► here's the thing i'm trying to get at is [TS]

00:36:23 ◼   ► that like I do in my parlance like I [TS]

00:36:25 ◼   ► spent so many years trying to solve the [TS]

00:36:27 ◼   ► wrong problem but the problem that i [TS]

00:36:29 ◼   ► wanted to solve was why can't i make [TS]

00:36:31 ◼   ► girls like me or like you know it starts [TS]

00:36:34 ◼   ► out as simple as like why don't why [TS]

00:36:36 ◼   ► aren't all girls into me like I you know [TS]

00:36:38 ◼   ► I i have lots of trading cards and I'm [TS]

00:36:41 ◼   ► really cool but then that becomes this [TS]

00:36:43 ◼   ► more like functional like how do i get [TS]

00:36:45 ◼   ► girls to like me which is like a hold of [TS]

00:36:48 ◼   ► in so many ways that horrible it's an [TS]

00:36:50 ◼   ► understandable question but it's not the [TS]

00:36:51 ◼   ► right question like the the right [TS]

00:36:53 ◼   ► question which would never occur to me [TS]

00:36:55 ◼   ► for many years was like how do I become [TS]

00:36:57 ◼   ► a more interesting version of myself [TS]

00:36:58 ◼   ► like how I actually increase my nice [TS]

00:37:01 ◼   ► element selection community [TS]

00:37:03 ◼   ► how do i increase increase my value i [TS]

00:37:05 ◼   ► guess like but you don't say like what [TS]

00:37:06 ◼   ► you really look at and make people you [TS]

00:37:08 ◼   ► got you've got you've got them even if [TS]

00:37:10 ◼   ► you're even if you're working with a six [TS]

00:37:11 ◼   ► you don't have a wingman you gonna get [TS]

00:37:13 ◼   ► in there and neg you're learning your [TS]

00:37:15 ◼   ► learning John megam you know I think in [TS]

00:37:18 ◼   ► my case the thing that I needed to learn [TS]

00:37:20 ◼   ► and the thing that I still have that I [TS]

00:37:22 ◼   ► that my whole life I needed to learn was [TS]

00:37:24 ◼   ► just Shh [TS]

00:37:25 ◼   ► leave it leave it and I just needed to [TS]

00:37:33 ◼   ► learn that when I was four when i was 14 [TS]

00:37:35 ◼   ► when I was 40 benefit but maybe in that [TS]

00:37:42 ◼   ► relationship and yeah okay cupcake with [TS]

00:37:44 ◼   ► a designer but what is the others [TS]

00:37:46 ◼   ► institutions change if I could have just [TS]

00:37:50 ◼   ► ever ever ever managed just shoot [TS]

00:37:55 ◼   ► everything would have been fine i just [TS]

00:37:58 ◼   ► couldn't believe i didn't have any [TS]

00:38:01 ◼   ► shushing Anna I'm very wise wise a [TS]

00:38:04 ◼   ► partner at one point and she said [TS]

00:38:07 ◼   ► something about about makeup and she [TS]

00:38:10 ◼   ► said here's the thing take out take out [TS]

00:38:12 ◼   ► all the makeup you want to use put it on [TS]

00:38:14 ◼   ► the counter and then put half of it away [TS]

00:38:16 ◼   ► and that's how much makeup you should [TS]

00:38:17 ◼   ► use right and that goes for so many [TS]

00:38:20 ◼   ► things in the physical world that goes [TS]

00:38:21 ◼   ► for hair gel that goes for alcohol [TS]

00:38:23 ◼   ► because for so many things take out all [TS]

00:38:25 ◼   ► you think you want then put away half [TS]

00:38:27 ◼   ► and just use that half and stick with it [TS]

00:38:28 ◼   ► and like it that is so true [TS]

00:38:32 ◼   ► like in life you know like because part [TS]

00:38:35 ◼   ► of it is like when you go when you have [TS]

00:38:36 ◼   ► a good party lucky if you get the brown [TS]

00:38:38 ◼   ► tuxedo or you can have the milk bottle [TS]

00:38:40 ◼   ► full of whiskey or you can steal the [TS]

00:38:42 ◼   ► shoes but but you don't want to be a [TS]

00:38:45 ◼   ► carny right right so it is like you're [TS]

00:38:48 ◼   ► right though it's a simmer down you know [TS]

00:38:50 ◼   ► just slow your roll little bit and like [TS]

00:38:52 ◼   ► you don't like I'm talking to me now [TS]

00:38:54 ◼   ► like you don't have to tell them [TS]

00:38:56 ◼   ► everything you know about the making of [TS]

00:38:58 ◼   ► Tommy let's keep some of that for later [TS]

00:39:01 ◼   ► you don't have to talk about everything [TS]

00:39:03 ◼   ► you know about tom seaver like let it [TS]

00:39:06 ◼   ► you know this let's sit on that you have [TS]

00:39:07 ◼   ► more to talk about next time [TS]

00:39:08 ◼   ► yeah yeah for me I think it was well [TS]

00:39:11 ◼   ► obviously I do not I do not look like an [TS]

00:39:15 ◼   ► abercrombie & fitch model and so I'd [TS]

00:39:18 ◼   ► better wear this brown tuxedo because [TS]

00:39:21 ◼   ► that is very very good armor it's a [TS]

00:39:26 ◼   ► super armor against anybody ever wanting [TS]

00:39:30 ◼   ► me to take off my clothes and jump in [TS]

00:39:32 ◼   ► the water and i also hate being in a [TS]

00:39:37 ◼   ► brown tuxedo and a swimming party [TS]

00:39:38 ◼   ► so I had better be drinking whiskey in [TS]

00:39:42 ◼   ► copious amounts but I'm not just gonna [TS]

00:39:44 ◼   ► stand around drinking whiskey [TS]

00:39:46 ◼   ► I'm gonna drink whiskey out of a milk [TS]

00:39:48 ◼   ► bottle because fuck the world and then [TS]

00:39:53 ◼   ► I'm gonna steal everybody she was [TS]

00:39:54 ◼   ► because i'm really in pain and put a lot [TS]

00:39:58 ◼   ► of game and I and all i could think of [TS]

00:40:01 ◼   ► to do is steal their shoes because I [TS]

00:40:03 ◼   ► can't you know I can't fight them all [TS]

00:40:04 ◼   ► there's a distinction that last people [TS]

00:40:08 ◼   ► making different ways and I know I [TS]

00:40:10 ◼   ► really differ from a lot of my my good [TS]

00:40:13 ◼   ► smart friends in this one way but I've [TS]

00:40:15 ◼   ► always I've come to feel that one [TS]

00:40:17 ◼   ► distinction between being a geek and [TS]

00:40:19 ◼   ► being a nerd [TS]

00:40:20 ◼   ► it may have to do a topic but i think it [TS]

00:40:22 ◼   ► has to do with degree and self-awareness [TS]

00:40:24 ◼   ► in some ways like an eighth another [TS]

00:40:26 ◼   ► that's an important distinction but in [TS]

00:40:28 ◼   ► my head it's one thing to be a geek [TS]

00:40:30 ◼   ► about something like your kind of a geek [TS]

00:40:31 ◼   ► about LBJ right you can be a geek about [TS]

00:40:34 ◼   ► Tom Seaver like you're somebody who has [TS]

00:40:36 ◼   ► maybe like even like a surpassingly high [TS]

00:40:39 ◼   ► level of interest expertise and [TS]

00:40:42 ◼   ► knowledge especially interest about that [TS]

00:40:44 ◼   ► thing but you know you really want to [TS]

00:40:46 ◼   ► talk about it but that by itself doesn't [TS]

00:40:49 ◼   ► make you a nerd i think what makes you a [TS]

00:40:50 ◼   ► nerd in you know the negative [TS]

00:40:52 ◼   ► connotation is that having an [TS]

00:40:55 ◼   ► insensitivity to how much other people [TS]

00:40:57 ◼   ► care about your geeky topic and like [TS]

00:41:00 ◼   ► that that's the part where you go from [TS]

00:41:01 ◼   ► being you know you come up with any kind [TS]

00:41:03 ◼   ► of disparaging name you want but it's [TS]

00:41:04 ◼   ► one thing to be really into stamp [TS]

00:41:06 ◼   ► collecting and nobody ever finds out and [TS]

00:41:08 ◼   ► it's another thing to like buttonhole [TS]

00:41:11 ◼   ► somebody at a party and tell them about [TS]

00:41:12 ◼   ► you know every kind of stamp that you've [TS]

00:41:14 ◼   ► ever seen and what it's called and [TS]

00:41:16 ◼   ► correct them when they get something [TS]

00:41:17 ◼   ► wrong and all that kind of stuff and its [TS]

00:41:19 ◼   ► really i think it can be very difficult [TS]

00:41:20 ◼   ► don't you see being yourself in that but [TS]

00:41:23 ◼   ► that's definitely true for me and and as [TS]

00:41:27 ◼   ► a fellow digger in John Roderick I you [TS]

00:41:29 ◼   ► might appreciate I think part of it is [TS]

00:41:30 ◼   ► like when you get pushback from somebody [TS]

00:41:32 ◼   ► your inclination is not to go that's a [TS]

00:41:34 ◼   ► good note i should i should i should [TS]

00:41:36 ◼   ► leave it it's more like you dig in even [TS]

00:41:38 ◼   ► further like you haven't made your case [TS]

00:41:40 ◼   ► yet [TS]

00:41:40 ◼   ► like that's what i do is so no okay well [TS]

00:41:43 ◼   ► I'm sorry probably explain this well let [TS]

00:41:44 ◼   ► me really explain the Tom Seaver [TS]

00:41:46 ◼   ► situation to you and that's when let [TS]

00:41:49 ◼   ► that's when you become that's when you [TS]

00:41:50 ◼   ► become a nuisance [TS]

00:41:51 ◼   ► because you're insensitive to what else [TS]

00:41:55 ◼   ► is happening in the room and now you're [TS]

00:41:56 ◼   ► no longer self-possessed now you're just [TS]

00:41:58 ◼   ► a weirdo [TS]

00:42:00 ◼   ► you know years later or maybe it was [TS]

00:42:06 ◼   ► years earlier i don't remember i'm i'm [TS]

00:42:09 ◼   ► i'm getting confused now but no it was [TS]

00:42:15 ◼   ► about the same time [TS]

00:42:17 ◼   ► wait a minute what we talked about here [TS]

00:42:19 ◼   ► we're talking like ladies ladies [TS]

00:42:21 ◼   ► ok I was downtown in Anchorage on a [TS]

00:42:26 ◼   ► beautiful summer day and when [TS]

00:42:28 ◼   ► Anchorage's in full flower in the spring [TS]

00:42:30 ◼   ► and summer there's really no more [TS]

00:42:32 ◼   ► beautiful place because they're hanging [TS]

00:42:34 ◼   ► baskets of flowers everywhere it's part [TS]

00:42:37 ◼   ► of Anchorage's it's part of Anchorage's [TS]

00:42:41 ◼   ► identity that when spring comes everyone [TS]

00:42:44 ◼   ► hangs baskets of flowers everywhere and [TS]

00:42:47 ◼   ► so you have just this proliferation of [TS]

00:42:49 ◼   ► flowers and because the Sun is up all [TS]

00:42:51 ◼   ► day like flowers just go crazy and so I [TS]

00:42:54 ◼   ► was downtown was walking on Fourth [TS]

00:42:57 ◼   ► Avenue right by the fourth avenue [TS]

00:42:59 ◼   ► theatre right by you know right in the [TS]

00:43:01 ◼   ► center of town and I bumped into some [TS]

00:43:03 ◼   ► friends and i'm standing and talking to [TS]

00:43:05 ◼   ► them and a little group of people [TS]

00:43:06 ◼   ► gathered there and we're all out of high [TS]

00:43:08 ◼   ► school now we're in college and we feel [TS]

00:43:11 ◼   ► like the young people who are the next [TS]

00:43:14 ◼   ► generation of young folks and this girl [TS]

00:43:21 ◼   ► that went to a different school but whom [TS]

00:43:25 ◼   ► I'd met at debate competitions she went [TS]

00:43:32 ◼   ► to diamond high school her name was [TS]

00:43:34 ◼   ► Debbie and she was the star of the [TS]

00:43:37 ◼   ► Diamonds debate team [TS]

00:43:40 ◼   ► and she comes along and and we were all [TS]

00:43:44 ◼   ► standing there and and chatting with one [TS]

00:43:47 ◼   ► another ended and she was with a friend [TS]

00:43:49 ◼   ► of a friend and so that's it you know [TS]

00:43:52 ◼   ► where a group of people in our I mean [TS]

00:43:55 ◼   ► we're probably 20 and debbie smith and i [TS]

00:43:59 ◼   ► started talking and we break off from [TS]

00:44:02 ◼   ► the rest of the group and debbie smith [TS]

00:44:05 ◼   ► is half she'sshe was she is a half [TS]

00:44:08 ◼   ► Japanese and very very very very smart [TS]

00:44:14 ◼   ► person that I will had always been [TS]

00:44:16 ◼   ► impressed with her at debate meets she [TS]

00:44:20 ◼   ► was like very together and i was very [TS]

00:44:23 ◼   ► unimpressive at debate meets because I [TS]

00:44:26 ◼   ► debated kind of like I talk to you now [TS]

00:44:29 ◼   ► which is to say with no preparation but [TS]

00:44:33 ◼   ► I understood Robert's Rules of Order but [TS]

00:44:36 ◼   ► beyond that i believe that i could [TS]

00:44:37 ◼   ► debate any topic just on the you know [TS]

00:44:39 ◼   ► like flip a coin and go style and Debbie [TS]

00:44:44 ◼   ► was very prepared and she and I like [TS]

00:44:48 ◼   ► wandered off from this group and pretty [TS]

00:44:51 ◼   ► soon we had arranged to go on a date and [TS]

00:44:57 ◼   ► we went on a date to see the movie born [TS]

00:45:01 ◼   ► on the fourth of July so whenever that [TS]

00:45:03 ◼   ► movie came out that is when this is [TS]

00:45:04 ◼   ► happening after feels like making [TS]

00:45:07 ◼   ► mediator some somewhere around [TS]

00:45:09 ◼   ► yeah and then she and then we had a good [TS]

00:45:11 ◼   ► time on the date and we went on a second [TS]

00:45:13 ◼   ► date in the entire time I'm thinking [TS]

00:45:14 ◼   ► what is going on here [TS]

00:45:16 ◼   ► debbie smith is one of the very very [TS]

00:45:20 ◼   ► popular together people and then I [TS]

00:45:24 ◼   ► realized that she went to diamonds so [TS]

00:45:27 ◼   ► she didn't know anything about me and [TS]

00:45:28 ◼   ► somehow to her i seemed like one of the [TS]

00:45:34 ◼   ► one of the good people i seemed like one [TS]

00:45:37 ◼   ► of the abercrombie & fitch people maybe [TS]

00:45:40 ◼   ► or it was very confusing but i really [TS]

00:45:44 ◼   ► enjoyed her i was just overthinking it [TS]

00:45:47 ◼   ► you know that this is one of those [TS]

00:45:49 ◼   ► moments where somebody should have just [TS]

00:45:50 ◼   ► said she [TS]

00:45:51 ◼   ► just like just be just be with debbie [TS]

00:45:53 ◼   ► smith because as much as you're aware [TS]

00:45:55 ◼   ► that it's a fresh start your also still [TS]

00:45:57 ◼   ► kind of mentally recalibrating like [TS]

00:45:59 ◼   ► don't screw this up like you screw this [TS]

00:46:01 ◼   ► don't screw this up [TS]

00:46:02 ◼   ► do not screw that you're gonna screw [TS]

00:46:03 ◼   ► this up and then she and I like liked [TS]

00:46:07 ◼   ► each other and we made out and we made [TS]

00:46:11 ◼   ► out again and then it was wonderful and [TS]

00:46:15 ◼   ► there was this and this was happening in [TS]

00:46:16 ◼   ► the summer so what could be better [TS]

00:46:18 ◼   ► and then she invited me to a party at [TS]

00:46:20 ◼   ► her house and I was like I can't wait [TS]

00:46:23 ◼   ► you know of course I'll come to the [TS]

00:46:25 ◼   ► party and I came to the party and I [TS]

00:46:28 ◼   ► believe that I probably wore a bow tie [TS]

00:46:30 ◼   ► because it was a party and I was a [TS]

00:46:35 ◼   ► person i was a person who understood [TS]

00:46:36 ◼   ► that if you're invited to a party where [TS]

00:46:38 ◼   ► about I at this time and I showed up and [TS]

00:46:42 ◼   ► all of the fashionable people were there [TS]

00:46:45 ◼   ► and when I arrived it was clear that [TS]

00:46:49 ◼   ► none of them realized that I knew Debbie [TS]

00:46:52 ◼   ► Smith there was no reason I would have [TS]

00:46:55 ◼   ► known her and they and so honestly I got [TS]

00:46:59 ◼   ► out of my car and I bumped into a guy [TS]

00:47:01 ◼   ► I'd known for years and he had a look on [TS]

00:47:03 ◼   ► his face and then said just get bully [TS]

00:47:08 ◼   ► blurted out like what are you doing here [TS]

00:47:12 ◼   ► like how did you get in here and I was [TS]

00:47:17 ◼   ► like uh and and I'm thinking to myself [TS]

00:47:20 ◼   ► I'm Debbie's I'm Debbie's boyfriend or [TS]

00:47:24 ◼   ► like close to it and so I had this [TS]

00:47:29 ◼   ► strange this strange feeling of like I [TS]

00:47:32 ◼   ► belong here more than all of these other [TS]

00:47:34 ◼   ► people but I but at the same time I [TS]

00:47:36 ◼   ► don't and she was really glad to see me [TS]

00:47:38 ◼   ► and came over and I'm standing there and [TS]

00:47:42 ◼   ► everyone is staring at me like why is he [TS]

00:47:43 ◼   ► here why is she being affectionate to [TS]

00:47:45 ◼   ► him all of this is wrong and so I [TS]

00:47:49 ◼   ► started drinking now now because it was [TS]

00:47:54 ◼   ► all I could it was all I understood to [TS]

00:47:56 ◼   ► do even though she was being cool with [TS]

00:47:58 ◼   ► you you're really uncomfy [TS]

00:47:59 ◼   ► she was great i was really uncomfortable [TS]

00:48:02 ◼   ► standing there because I knew all of her [TS]

00:48:05 ◼   ► friends and I knew them to be people who [TS]

00:48:07 ◼   ► understood that i did not belong there [TS]

00:48:10 ◼   ► and they were like trying to communicate [TS]

00:48:14 ◼   ► to her like what does he do what he why [TS]

00:48:16 ◼   ► are you with him stop and I mean I'm [TS]

00:48:18 ◼   ► seeing all this I'm not imagining it and [TS]

00:48:20 ◼   ► she's like what are you talking about [TS]

00:48:21 ◼   ► he's great like we you know we went to [TS]

00:48:23 ◼   ► the you know he knows all about LBJ and [TS]

00:48:27 ◼   ► I I knew that she was good and that that [TS]

00:48:33 ◼   ► the connection that we had could have [TS]

00:48:34 ◼   ► survived this because we she was growing [TS]

00:48:36 ◼   ► out of that crowd anyway she was headed [TS]

00:48:39 ◼   ► on off on her own path we were all [TS]

00:48:41 ◼   ► headed on our own path this was all old [TS]

00:48:44 ◼   ► stuff that we were capable of shedding [TS]

00:48:48 ◼   ► but I started to get drunk because I was [TS]

00:48:51 ◼   ► terrified and was already at a point [TS]

00:48:54 ◼   ► when you're we see said from the [TS]

00:48:56 ◼   ► beginning you're cognizant that there [TS]

00:48:57 ◼   ► wasn't never going to be a one beer [TS]

00:48:59 ◼   ► night for you [TS]

00:49:00 ◼   ► oh no and in a situation like this where [TS]

00:49:02 ◼   ► it was just like uh you know i'm going [TS]

00:49:04 ◼   ► to show everybody and I got drunk and at [TS]

00:49:09 ◼   ► a certain point you know drunk I was [TS]

00:49:11 ◼   ► like I confronted Debbie and said did [TS]

00:49:15 ◼   ► you just invite me here to to to [TS]

00:49:20 ◼   ► embarrass me she was like what are you [TS]

00:49:22 ◼   ► talking about she had no idea my history [TS]

00:49:26 ◼   ► with all these people and because she [TS]

00:49:28 ◼   ► sort of moved in that circle [TS]

00:49:30 ◼   ► effortlessly she didn't understand she [TS]

00:49:34 ◼   ► didn't see them as as exclusive she [TS]

00:49:40 ◼   ► didn't see them as people who would shun [TS]

00:49:42 ◼   ► somebody for being fat or for being a [TS]

00:49:49 ◼   ► nerd or for stealing their shoes you're [TS]

00:49:50 ◼   ► wearing about time for wearing about [TS]

00:49:52 ◼   ► time like she thought that the boat I [TS]

00:49:54 ◼   ► was charming she didn't understand that [TS]

00:49:57 ◼   ► they saw it as a further example of how [TS]

00:50:00 ◼   ► i did not understand how to fit in and [TS]

00:50:02 ◼   ► was never going to and and that the [TS]

00:50:06 ◼   ► whole thing just the whole thing just [TS]

00:50:08 ◼   ► turned into his disaster [TS]

00:50:10 ◼   ► and you know and Debbie wanted she [TS]

00:50:12 ◼   ► wanted us to go to get it get away from [TS]

00:50:14 ◼   ► those people let's go upstairs and let's [TS]

00:50:15 ◼   ► just and I was and I had I had so much [TS]

00:50:19 ◼   ► baggage that I was the you know I was [TS]

00:50:23 ◼   ► the one that that turned it into a a [TS]

00:50:26 ◼   ► turned it into a scene between us about [TS]

00:50:31 ◼   ► how I was never gonna you know I was [TS]

00:50:35 ◼   ► never gonna be somebody that she would [TS]

00:50:38 ◼   ► like and she was like I'm not asking you [TS]

00:50:40 ◼   ► to be anything and it was it was just [TS]

00:50:42 ◼   ► terrible [TS]

00:50:44 ◼   ► all this because i saw that stupid [TS]

00:50:45 ◼   ► bicycle under an overpass today I I'm [TS]

00:50:49 ◼   ► now I'm reliving 1988 at the last year I [TS]

00:50:52 ◼   ► possible after I would ever want to [TS]

00:50:54 ◼   ► relive I just so much stupid shit nation [TS]

00:50:56 ◼   ► 8800 if I could [TS]

00:50:59 ◼   ► let's see if i get erased three years if [TS]

00:51:02 ◼   ► they did they'd be continued [TS]

00:51:04 ◼   ► no I think you can raise three years out [TS]

00:51:06 ◼   ► of your life ok any three years ago man [TS]

00:51:09 ◼   ► that's going on um what's yeah well I'm [TS]

00:51:12 ◼   ► not always a word this I mean a lot of [TS]

00:51:15 ◼   ► terrible decisions in 1988 I've I tried [TS]

00:51:19 ◼   ► to level up as a grownup in a lot of [TS]

00:51:21 ◼   ► ways that year and failed colossally in [TS]

00:51:23 ◼   ► ways that i didn't actually learn much [TS]

00:51:25 ◼   ► from people who want to learn from your [TS]

00:51:26 ◼   ► mistakes i think that's a lot of [TS]

00:51:27 ◼   ► geography I was just down just really [TS]

00:51:30 ◼   ► don't [TS]

00:51:30 ◼   ► okay you pick one up another one uh [TS]

00:51:33 ◼   ► let's see 87 write a seven any paid [TS]

00:51:40 ◼   ► either then so I can't think of a better [TS]

00:51:44 ◼   ► year to erase the 1988 if I could have a [TS]

00:51:47 ◼   ► do-over [TS]

00:51:48 ◼   ► uh-huh 1988 would be a really yeah [TS]

00:51:52 ◼   ► really good year to do over and you know [TS]

00:51:57 ◼   ► for for my second choice [TS]

00:52:01 ◼   ► I kind of feel like you know maybe 2008 [TS]

00:52:07 ◼   ► oh is that by ear for you [TS]

00:52:10 ◼   ► yeah it was just like a year that I i [TS]

00:52:14 ◼   ► feel like i could have done I could have [TS]

00:52:17 ◼   ► done so much more in 2008 yeah I'm gonna [TS]

00:52:22 ◼   ► take I was gonna say 79 [TS]

00:52:23 ◼   ► and I think I'm gonna go with 1980 and [TS]

00:52:26 ◼   ► maybe 2009 where I don't erase it but i [TS]

00:52:29 ◼   ► wish i could get into over on this [TS]

00:52:31 ◼   ► yeah maybe 2,000 maybe what I'm thinking [TS]

00:52:33 ◼   ► 2008 it's actually 2009 is what I'm [TS]

00:52:35 ◼   ► talking about [TS]

00:52:36 ◼   ► but you know I feel like it i feel like [TS]

00:52:38 ◼   ► we should I feel like we should agree on [TS]

00:52:40 ◼   ► three years later strength in numbers so [TS]

00:52:43 ◼   ► 88 2009 and then we have to pick one [TS]

00:52:47 ◼   ► more year [TS]

00:52:48 ◼   ► why 1980 1982 was more uh I was more [TS]

00:52:52 ◼   ► victim of circumstance in 1980 but [TS]

00:52:55 ◼   ► that's the 79 is when my mom remarried [TS]

00:52:57 ◼   ► nothing gets me my mom is making the [TS]

00:52:59 ◼   ► best decision she could she marry marry [TS]

00:53:01 ◼   ► this guy who turned out to be awful and [TS]

00:53:03 ◼   ► we moved to Florida from Ohio so you [TS]

00:53:05 ◼   ► know I went to military school a lot of [TS]

00:53:08 ◼   ► pop music was cocaine e a lot of very [TS]

00:53:11 ◼   ► memorable get your home notes and stuff [TS]

00:53:13 ◼   ► but 1984 me was was a very tough I mean [TS]

00:53:17 ◼   ► it was it was the year without a clutch [TS]

00:53:20 ◼   ► I mean it just felt like all the gears [TS]

00:53:22 ◼   ► are grinding so hard work if every if [TS]

00:53:24 ◼   ► everything in my life had been perfect [TS]

00:53:26 ◼   ► you know I and like I was if everything [TS]

00:53:30 ◼   ► had supported the kind of person i [TS]

00:53:31 ◼   ► needed to be it still would've been a [TS]

00:53:33 ◼   ► hard year because i was 13 but given [TS]

00:53:35 ◼   ► what I was up against it's the year I [TS]

00:53:37 ◼   ► kind of gave up on life in a lot of ways [TS]

00:53:39 ◼   ► in a way that would dog me definitely [TS]

00:53:41 ◼   ► through high school that I really feel [TS]

00:53:43 ◼   ► like I didn't I never completely came [TS]

00:53:45 ◼   ► out of it but I didn't really come out [TS]

00:53:47 ◼   ► of it really until like I went to [TS]

00:53:48 ◼   ► college was kind of forced to like [TS]

00:53:50 ◼   ► reboot and I did have that fresh [TS]

00:53:52 ◼   ► opportunity to to be like you know it [TS]

00:53:55 ◼   ► helps to get help so I went to a school [TS]

00:53:56 ◼   ► was okay to be a weirdo [TS]

00:53:58 ◼   ► we're actually I was not a weirdo I was [TS]

00:54:00 ◼   ► a pretty you straight normal kid but [TS]

00:54:03 ◼   ► that was anyway that's my 1980 [TS]

00:54:06 ◼   ► I you know I know if we said if you said [TS]

00:54:08 ◼   ► the 80 81 school year nineteen eighty [TS]

00:54:12 ◼   ► starting in September and i have no [TS]

00:54:14 ◼   ► affection or attachment to that at all [TS]

00:54:16 ◼   ► well I i could join 481 let's do 81 [TS]

00:54:19 ◼   ► let's do September in September 8081 [TS]

00:54:23 ◼   ► over and I'm done with you a hundred [TS]

00:54:25 ◼   ► percent that was seventh grade [TS]

00:54:28 ◼   ► yeah and seventh grade was no oh good [TS]

00:54:31 ◼   ► now I i I'm pleased to see some [TS]

00:54:35 ◼   ► interesting uptake in our [TS]

00:54:37 ◼   ► I thought technology around a [TS]

00:54:38 ◼   ► junior-high concierge services [TS]

00:54:40 ◼   ► uh-huh uh-huh well there's an [TS]

00:54:42 ◼   ► opportunity there [TS]

00:54:44 ◼   ► I you know and all this it feels like [TS]

00:54:46 ◼   ► when I when I talk about a do-over mi [TS]

00:54:50 ◼   ► I'm very curious to know like whether [TS]

00:54:52 ◼   ► that do over would be if if we're going [TS]

00:54:55 ◼   ► to allow if we're going to appeal to the [TS]

00:54:57 ◼   ► to the parole board and say do-over on [TS]

00:55:00 ◼   ► 81 school year [TS]

00:55:02 ◼   ► are they going to say ok all its just [TS]

00:55:05 ◼   ► alternate universe John and Merlin your [TS]

00:55:08 ◼   ► view there it's still it's still your [TS]

00:55:10 ◼   ► your dumb seventh-grade brain Ryan just [TS]

00:55:13 ◼   ► you just get it you know we're just [TS]

00:55:14 ◼   ► going to set you in motion like 30 [TS]

00:55:16 ◼   ► seconds later so it's a completely [TS]

00:55:19 ◼   ► different version reason but yeah give [TS]

00:55:22 ◼   ► me a crack about this on Twitter the [TS]

00:55:23 ◼   ► other day about wishing you could go [TS]

00:55:25 ◼   ► back and like you know with all the [TS]

00:55:27 ◼   ► stuff you know now after yeah right i [TS]

00:55:29 ◼   ► mean that's the thing like if I could go [TS]

00:55:31 ◼   ► back and be my own concierge and you [TS]

00:55:35 ◼   ► know and every week have a sit-down with [TS]

00:55:37 ◼   ► myself and say listen here and I think [TS]

00:55:39 ◼   ► we're gonna I don't think we can allow [TS]

00:55:40 ◼   ► that I think it's a reset of the [TS]

00:55:41 ◼   ► timeline i think maybe result of the [TS]

00:55:44 ◼   ► time later can you actually go back [TS]

00:55:45 ◼   ► inhabit your earlier self i don't think [TS]

00:55:47 ◼   ► so i well I think well here's the thing [TS]

00:55:49 ◼   ► i think you have to go back with the [TS]

00:55:51 ◼   ► same knowledge and stuff that you had at [TS]

00:55:52 ◼   ► the time I think maybe you get to [TS]

00:55:55 ◼   ► inhabit like an african-american janitor [TS]

00:55:58 ◼   ► who gets to give you wisdom sometimes [TS]

00:56:00 ◼   ► well [TS]

00:56:01 ◼   ► oh you're saying that you're saying that [TS]

00:56:02 ◼   ► that there's a morgan freeman character [TS]

00:56:05 ◼   ► yes but only putting this message on [TS]

00:56:06 ◼   ► what if what if in the timeline that [TS]

00:56:09 ◼   ► actually that we know of that already [TS]

00:56:11 ◼   ► existed [TS]

00:56:11 ◼   ► what if you already had gone back there [TS]

00:56:13 ◼   ► and you just didn't listen to morgan [TS]

00:56:14 ◼   ► freeman because you thought you had it [TS]

00:56:16 ◼   ► all wired [TS]

00:56:17 ◼   ► well here's the problem i have known you [TS]

00:56:18 ◼   ► would you know if your morgan freeman i [TS]

00:56:19 ◼   ► know for a fact that no Morgan Freeman [TS]

00:56:22 ◼   ► ever deigned to give me advice I was [TS]

00:56:26 ◼   ► starved for adult advice and and every [TS]

00:56:29 ◼   ► single like that God maybe maybe should [TS]

00:56:32 ◼   ► leave the boat home every single God [TS]

00:56:34 ◼   ► character in my story was busy talking [TS]

00:56:37 ◼   ► to another kid because I I'm you know [TS]

00:56:41 ◼   ► I'm walking by in a brown tuxedo and [TS]

00:56:43 ◼   ► they are you know and they're telling [TS]

00:56:44 ◼   ► somebody to improve their golf swing in [TS]

00:56:47 ◼   ► a completely different episode [TS]

00:56:50 ◼   ► no one ever stop me you know the ND and [TS]

00:56:53 ◼   ► the teachers that I had that we're good [TS]

00:56:55 ◼   ► they didn't understand I mean a lot of [TS]

00:56:58 ◼   ► them were younger teachers who who felt [TS]

00:57:04 ◼   ► like the way they needed to approach me [TS]

00:57:07 ◼   ► and and deal with me was to how do I put [TS]

00:57:13 ◼   ► this [TS]

00:57:14 ◼   ► like I was so precocious that that that [TS]

00:57:18 ◼   ► the adult response was often like you [TS]

00:57:21 ◼   ► think you're pretty cool don't you [TS]

00:57:22 ◼   ► oh you like you're like they're like a [TS]

00:57:24 ◼   ► little dog and you're like a rat you [TS]

00:57:26 ◼   ► like threatening to them [TS]

00:57:27 ◼   ► yeah yeah and-and-and their best you [TS]

00:57:30 ◼   ► know they had the best intentions which [TS]

00:57:32 ◼   ► was to say things aren't what you think [TS]

00:57:34 ◼   ► they are I think you know the world [TS]

00:57:37 ◼   ► isn't like you think it is but the way [TS]

00:57:39 ◼   ► that they approached me was always that [TS]

00:57:41 ◼   ► always in that tone of like hey mr. cool [TS]

00:57:46 ◼   ► why don't you sit down and listen once [TS]

00:57:48 ◼   ► in awhile and stop being you know like [TS]

00:57:50 ◼   ► it was very they were trying to be teams [TS]

00:57:55 ◼   ► you know they were trying to communicate [TS]

00:57:58 ◼   ► with me i remember i remember at this is [TS]

00:58:01 ◼   ► gonna sound terrible but I had a high [TS]

00:58:04 ◼   ► school teacher who pulled me aside I may [TS]

00:58:08 ◼   ► have told you about this high school [TS]

00:58:09 ◼   ► teacher who pulled me aside and said i [TS]

00:58:12 ◼   ► was in the teachers lounge the other day [TS]

00:58:13 ◼   ► we were talking about you and I was like [TS]

00:58:16 ◼   ► really what would say what and he said [TS]

00:58:21 ◼   ► well you know I was talking to the shop [TS]

00:58:24 ◼   ► teacher about you and we both agreed [TS]

00:58:25 ◼   ► that you that you probably get a lot of [TS]

00:58:28 ◼   ► tail [TS]

00:58:29 ◼   ► am i right whoa whoa and I was a virgin [TS]

00:58:34 ◼   ► and yet my response was hook [TS]

00:58:42 ◼   ► well I mean you know i'm not one to talk [TS]

00:58:46 ◼   ► out of school and he said that's what I [TS]

00:58:50 ◼   ► thought that's what I thought [TS]

00:58:52 ◼   ► am i right am i right that's so weird [TS]

00:58:53 ◼   ► and I was like to totally I mean you [TS]

00:58:57 ◼   ► know [TS]

00:58:57 ◼   ► yes and also haha and also who and he [TS]

00:59:02 ◼   ► was trying to make [TS]

00:59:04 ◼   ► a connection with me but he had read my [TS]

00:59:09 ◼   ► blog stir and this at this was true of i [TS]

00:59:13 ◼   ► think a lot of people at my school had [TS]

00:59:14 ◼   ► read my blaster and my confidence in the [TS]

00:59:16 ◼   ► fact that that uh you know that i did [TS]

00:59:19 ◼   ► have a lot of friends that you know that [TS]

00:59:23 ◼   ► I was a kid that teachers were talking [TS]

00:59:25 ◼   ► about in the teachers lounge [TS]

00:59:27 ◼   ► he had read all that incorrectly which [TS]

00:59:29 ◼   ► is to say he read it as I was projecting [TS]

00:59:32 ◼   ► it rather than seeing through it and so [TS]

00:59:35 ◼   ► he will you know he wanted to be my pal [TS]

00:59:40 ◼   ► and yet in that moment like i couldn't [TS]

00:59:46 ◼   ► have felt more estranged from him [TS]

00:59:49 ◼   ► because now I'm are now I am conscious [TS]

00:59:52 ◼   ► of I I'm conscious of adults seeing me [TS]

00:59:57 ◼   ► as a as a player [TS]

00:59:57 ◼   ► as a as a player [TS]

01:00:00 ◼   ► mhm and I was desperate at that time for [TS]

01:00:03 ◼   ► somebody to put their arm around my [TS]

01:00:04 ◼   ► shoulder and say your virgin right cool [TS]

01:00:08 ◼   ► so she just Shh like just cool it just [TS]

01:00:13 ◼   ► it's fine it's good to be a version [TS]

01:00:17 ◼   ► still and you can do that and just be [TS]

01:00:20 ◼   ► fine and not and it's not that I walked [TS]

01:00:22 ◼   ► around school haha claiming that i [TS]

01:00:25 ◼   ► wasn't right it was joint that I had you [TS]

01:00:28 ◼   ► know I was my dad introduced me to this [TS]

01:00:31 ◼   ► concept when I was really young big man [TS]

01:00:33 ◼   ► on campus and my dad was like are you [TS]

01:00:34 ◼   ► big man on campus bmoc moc and I was [TS]

01:00:38 ◼   ► like I don't know what does that even [TS]

01:00:39 ◼   ► mean and he was like big man on campus [TS]

01:00:40 ◼   ► you know big man you're the big guy [TS]

01:00:42 ◼   ► you're the guy on campus the big guy the [TS]

01:00:44 ◼   ► one but there you know BMOC and i was [TS]

01:00:47 ◼   ► like i guess i'll be i guess is that the [TS]

01:00:51 ◼   ► expectation I can you know like the [TS]

01:00:53 ◼   ► expectation was that ipf I guess that I [TS]

01:00:57 ◼   ► be the BMOC and so I was but anyway so [TS]

01:01:01 ◼   ► that relationship and I had that kind of [TS]

01:01:04 ◼   ► relationship with several teachers who [TS]

01:01:06 ◼   ► were like who recognized that I was [TS]

01:01:08 ◼   ► flailing but what they saw was what I [TS]

01:01:14 ◼   ► was projecting and not what I was and no [TS]

01:01:17 ◼   ► there was never that there was never [TS]

01:01:19 ◼   ► that character that that came into the [TS]

01:01:24 ◼   ► script that was like hey i see what you [TS]

01:01:26 ◼   ► really are and it and and it's fine [TS]

01:01:29 ◼   ► because you know that that was one of [TS]

01:01:32 ◼   ► the ways of which one of the primary [TS]

01:01:35 ◼   ► reasons I didn't trust adults they [TS]

01:01:38 ◼   ► didn't seem to be any smarter than kids [TS]

01:01:41 ◼   ► I you're making me feel like I'm [TS]

01:01:44 ◼   ► realizing something here something [TS]

01:01:46 ◼   ► something i'm really really really [TS]

01:01:47 ◼   ► starting to get with my kid that I [TS]

01:01:49 ◼   ► suspect goes to what you're talking [TS]

01:01:51 ◼   ► about i think it was stuff I've thought [TS]

01:01:53 ◼   ► about in the past kids of all kinds you [TS]

01:01:57 ◼   ► know young younger than adult age people [TS]

01:01:59 ◼   ► if there's one thing most all of them [TS]

01:02:01 ◼   ► have in common [TS]

01:02:02 ◼   ► from a very very fairly early age it's [TS]

01:02:04 ◼   ► that they're very resistant to a frontal [TS]

01:02:06 ◼   ► attack on you know what i mean so going [TS]

01:02:09 ◼   ► going at somebody had to have the trying [TS]

01:02:11 ◼   ► to confront kit at one extreme end [TS]

01:02:13 ◼   ► confronting a can on why they're mostly [TS]

01:02:15 ◼   ► going to say no i didn't i didn't do [TS]

01:02:16 ◼   ► that right or in this case you know in [TS]

01:02:19 ◼   ► for me like stuff like I actually will [TS]

01:02:21 ◼   ► sometimes like I'm trying to turbo to [TS]

01:02:24 ◼   ► the solution way too early so I'll i was [TS]

01:02:28 ◼   ► drinking try to encourage my child to [TS]

01:02:30 ◼   ► talk about how she feels about things [TS]

01:02:32 ◼   ► that's the last thing in the world that [TS]

01:02:34 ◼   ► she wants to do and in your case what [TS]

01:02:36 ◼   ► you're describing here is like you know [TS]

01:02:38 ◼   ► they they have this like first question [TS]

01:02:41 ◼   ► that they're gonna ask you like whether [TS]

01:02:42 ◼   ► that's what you're getting any pussy but [TS]

01:02:45 ◼   ► so bizarre or whatever but they [TS]

01:02:48 ◼   ► commanded it the it's too on-the-nose [TS]

01:02:50 ◼   ► it's to it really is the the reaction [TS]

01:02:53 ◼   ► gift for this would be some guy walking [TS]

01:02:55 ◼   ► and taking off his jacket with the [TS]

01:02:57 ◼   ► patches on the elbows and turn in the [TS]

01:02:59 ◼   ► seat around backwards so you can have a [TS]

01:03:00 ◼   ► rap session you see that coming a mile [TS]

01:03:02 ◼   ► off when you're a kid and I think your [TS]

01:03:04 ◼   ► defenses really pop up when that happens [TS]

01:03:06 ◼   ► when there is a question that you really [TS]

01:03:08 ◼   ► want to be asked but it's it's not the [TS]

01:03:10 ◼   ► question and that they're asking did you [TS]

01:03:12 ◼   ► know what I mean yeah the the thing that [TS]

01:03:17 ◼   ► I heard the most from the from the two [TS]

01:03:23 ◼   ► teachers that I respected the most was [TS]

01:03:27 ◼   ► and they both said it to me over and [TS]

01:03:32 ◼   ► over and they were friends with each [TS]

01:03:33 ◼   ► other and they were you know guys in [TS]

01:03:37 ◼   ► their thirties who were well read they [TS]

01:03:41 ◼   ► were the English teachers and so forth [TS]

01:03:44 ◼   ► the thing i heard the most from them was [TS]

01:03:45 ◼   ► Roderick you're such an asshole and I [TS]

01:03:52 ◼   ► felt a lot of pride in the fact that [TS]

01:03:58 ◼   ► these two teachers basically would talk [TS]

01:04:03 ◼   ► to me that way like a like sort of [TS]

01:04:04 ◼   ► appear you're such an asshole and they [TS]

01:04:09 ◼   ► meant it to be kind of encouraging in [TS]

01:04:16 ◼   ► the sense [TS]

01:04:16 ◼   ► of like you're you're growing up now [TS]

01:04:19 ◼   ► you're not a brat you're an asshole but [TS]

01:04:24 ◼   ► what it ultimately was was you know it [TS]

01:04:28 ◼   ► confirmed in me all these things that I [TS]

01:04:35 ◼   ► was the most afraid of [TS]

01:04:36 ◼   ► I didn't want to be an asshole I wasn't [TS]

01:04:40 ◼   ► even trying to be an asshole i was [TS]

01:04:41 ◼   ► trying to I was trying to be funny or I [TS]

01:04:44 ◼   ► was trying to be smart or I was trying [TS]

01:04:46 ◼   ► to be you know is trying to be cool and [TS]

01:04:51 ◼   ► asshole was I don't think that's on [TS]

01:04:55 ◼   ► anybody's list of of ambitions and what [TS]

01:05:00 ◼   ► in what I what I what I wish that either [TS]

01:05:03 ◼   ► one of those guys had done was to say [TS]

01:05:07 ◼   ► you know the back to say hey look this [TS]

01:05:12 ◼   ► game we're playing this thing that [TS]

01:05:14 ◼   ► you're in this school this these people [TS]

01:05:19 ◼   ► like this is small beer life is actually [TS]

01:05:25 ◼   ► not anything like this [TS]

01:05:27 ◼   ► right right right there is a place for [TS]

01:05:29 ◼   ► you in the world and if if anybody has [TS]

01:05:34 ◼   ► ever said that like there's no place for [TS]

01:05:38 ◼   ► you here clearly but there is a place [TS]

01:05:40 ◼   ► for you in the world I would have you [TS]

01:05:45 ◼   ► know i would have borne everything with [TS]

01:05:47 ◼   ► so much more calm over and the panic was [TS]

01:05:53 ◼   ► just this feeling of like there's no [TS]

01:05:55 ◼   ► there's no place for me here and I don't [TS]

01:05:59 ◼   ► see any place for me in my parents world [TS]

01:06:02 ◼   ► I don't see any place for me in the [TS]

01:06:04 ◼   ► world of the newspaper except you know [TS]

01:06:12 ◼   ► except such Carlson everyone so i'll [TS]

01:06:15 ◼   ► write a column for a the Anchorage Daily [TS]

01:06:17 ◼   ► News and a and I feel like I can I could [TS]

01:06:22 ◼   ► I could see myself in in his column [TS]

01:06:24 ◼   ► every once in a while it's like there's [TS]

01:06:28 ◼   ► I mean there is light out there [TS]

01:06:29 ◼   ► somewhere [TS]

01:06:30 ◼   ► yeah thats i'm probably put that was [TS]

01:06:33 ◼   ► what i was trying to get that was like [TS]

01:06:35 ◼   ► when you go out somebody and you're [TS]

01:06:37 ◼   ► gonna be helpful right you go in you're [TS]

01:06:38 ◼   ► gonna be helpful you're gonna come in [TS]

01:06:40 ◼   ► and you're gonna like you know same [TS]

01:06:41 ◼   ► thing that needs to be said and shake [TS]

01:06:43 ◼   ► somebody up and like the problem is that [TS]

01:06:45 ◼   ► like what what they don't take fully [TS]

01:06:48 ◼   ► into account is that you are much more [TS]

01:06:50 ◼   ► maybe i'm being dismissive but I i think [TS]

01:06:53 ◼   ► you you kids are so much more vulnerable [TS]

01:06:56 ◼   ► and uh and then they're so vulnerable [TS]

01:06:59 ◼   ► and they know that they're vulnerable [TS]

01:07:01 ◼   ► and the very last thing in there were [TS]

01:07:02 ◼   ► the world that they're gonna do is gonna [TS]

01:07:04 ◼   ► be breakdown whatever shoddy defenses [TS]

01:07:06 ◼   ► they have on that vulnerability [TS]

01:07:08 ◼   ► ok and so you kind of you I mean I and [TS]

01:07:11 ◼   ► now that sounds like an after school [TS]

01:07:12 ◼   ► special but you kind of need to not it's [TS]

01:07:15 ◼   ► like almost like treat the kids like a [TS]

01:07:16 ◼   ► cat [TS]

01:07:17 ◼   ► I just don't go up and flip it over and [TS]

01:07:18 ◼   ► start rubbing his tummy you gotta go [TS]

01:07:20 ◼   ► real slow and you've got to just spend [TS]

01:07:22 ◼   ► some time with that person until that [TS]

01:07:24 ◼   ► you have credibility with them where you [TS]

01:07:26 ◼   ► know maybe you should learn a little bit [TS]

01:07:28 ◼   ► more about who they are as a person [TS]

01:07:29 ◼   ► before you come dive bombing in with a [TS]

01:07:31 ◼   ► solution because that's just going to be [TS]

01:07:32 ◼   ► more off-putting you know and then on [TS]

01:07:35 ◼   ► top of all kinds of an asshole and [TS]

01:07:36 ◼   ► that's what you call somebody that you [TS]

01:07:37 ◼   ► want to reform its what you want to call [TS]

01:07:39 ◼   ► somebody who's a lost cause [TS]

01:07:41 ◼   ► well I'm that exact that you hit the [TS]

01:07:43 ◼   ► nail on that is what they that is what [TS]

01:07:45 ◼   ► they were communicating to me like we [TS]

01:07:47 ◼   ► can't reach you [TS]

01:07:49 ◼   ► you're gonna you're gonna be and when it [TS]

01:07:51 ◼   ► and and it was like any efforts will be [TS]

01:07:53 ◼   ► wasted but it was admiring you know this [TS]

01:07:56 ◼   ► was the crazy thing it was admiring like [TS]

01:07:58 ◼   ► you are going to you know like what they [TS]

01:07:59 ◼   ► were saying was you are already on a [TS]

01:08:03 ◼   ► trajectory far away from here but and [TS]