Roderick on the Line

00:00:00 ◼   ► this very special clothes and emotions [TS]

00:00:02 ◼   ► edition of rock on the line is brought [TS]

00:00:04 ◼   ► to you exclusively by need need is a [TS]

00:00:06 ◼   ► curated retailer and lifestyle [TS]

00:00:08 ◼   ► publication for men to learn more about [TS]

00:00:10 ◼   ► needs just released volume 2.7 [TS]

00:00:12 ◼   ► collection [TS]

00:00:13 ◼   ► please visit need edition com [TS]

00:00:21 ◼   ► hello I jaan hai Berlin how's it going [TS]

00:00:26 ◼   ► good although i just looked down and [TS]

00:00:28 ◼   ► noticed that i have a 'shmock it's on my [TS]

00:00:30 ◼   ► pants are no way [TS]

00:00:32 ◼   ► yeah i got all the way down here sat [TS]

00:00:34 ◼   ► down feeling good feeling strong and [TS]

00:00:36 ◼   ► then schmutz on the pan our crime EP 10 [TS]

00:00:38 ◼   ► mm you know you because you're sure [TS]

00:00:41 ◼   ► you're sure officer studio HQ no hmm you [TS]

00:00:45 ◼   ► should probably get this happens to lots [TS]

00:00:47 ◼   ► of like rich famous guys you should get [TS]

00:00:49 ◼   ► a rack of clothes that you can have [TS]

00:00:51 ◼   ► around you know maybe after if you have [TS]

00:00:53 ◼   ► a closet there but yeah i'm thinking you [TS]

00:00:54 ◼   ► need to start having a couple shirts [TS]

00:00:55 ◼   ► today and maybe some chemistry pants at [TS]

00:00:57 ◼   ► the office I do you know I I don't have [TS]

00:00:59 ◼   ► a closet but i do have clothes here left [TS]

00:01:02 ◼   ► over from the time period when I [TS]

00:01:05 ◼   ► imagined that I would start of like a [TS]

00:01:08 ◼   ► thriving ebay company [TS]

00:01:13 ◼   ► mhm where the the thing that the ebay [TS]

00:01:17 ◼   ► company sold was my old clothes so i [TS]

00:01:20 ◼   ► have a bunch of stuff i have i'm looking [TS]

00:01:22 ◼   ► right now at that I think a tangerine [TS]

00:01:25 ◼   ► colored linen sport coat and a pair of [TS]

00:01:29 ◼   ► heavy wall hunting pants that it would [TS]

00:01:33 ◼   ► have to be 20 below zero and you would [TS]

00:01:35 ◼   ► have to be spending a night outside to [TS]

00:01:37 ◼   ► wear [TS]

00:01:39 ◼   ► that's what that's what my iphone oh [TS]

00:01:41 ◼   ► there's a corduroy vest so so I Corey [TS]

00:01:45 ◼   ► best I could dress myself I could wear a [TS]

00:01:49 ◼   ► John Roderick for City Council t-shirt [TS]

00:01:51 ◼   ► the hunting pants it's just cute you [TS]

00:01:54 ◼   ► look like Ignatius roughly exactly like [TS]

00:01:57 ◼   ► nature's all my valves [TS]

00:01:59 ◼   ► oh my plural Val anyway that's where I'm [TS]

00:02:04 ◼   ► at I mean I can't talk about like talked [TS]

00:02:08 ◼   ► about like needing to be ironed and I [TS]

00:02:11 ◼   ► need to be ironed and spot pressed em [TS]

00:02:13 ◼   ► and spot dabbed you know the thing is [TS]

00:02:16 ◼   ► you know you kind of this eid a thing [TS]

00:02:18 ◼   ► has been a presence in your life on and [TS]

00:02:21 ◼   ► off it sounds like the last few years [TS]

00:02:22 ◼   ► like it's always comes in it goes out [TS]

00:02:24 ◼   ► like you think about like findings on [TS]

00:02:25 ◼   ► ebay think about putting things on ebay [TS]

00:02:26 ◼   ► i'm still very interested in an idea for [TS]

00:02:30 ◼   ► a few years ago about you [TS]

00:02:31 ◼   ► curating some kind of museum of your [TS]

00:02:32 ◼   ► life but like it's me [TS]

00:02:34 ◼   ► because like you go to the store and you [TS]

00:02:36 ◼   ► see all those tiny little clothes don't [TS]

00:02:38 ◼   ► fit you [TS]

00:02:39 ◼   ► it's like somewhere out there i don't [TS]

00:02:40 ◼   ► see the doppelganger but it would be [TS]

00:02:42 ◼   ► great if you could find like a few guys [TS]

00:02:44 ◼   ► who was calling bears let's see if you [TS]

00:02:46 ◼   ► can find a few guys like you [TS]

00:02:48 ◼   ► they have your interests where you could [TS]

00:02:49 ◼   ► like do things like swap clothes as part [TS]

00:02:51 ◼   ► of it is that you're a tall guy like [TS]

00:02:53 ◼   ► you're a big fella [TS]

00:02:54 ◼   ► yeah you know yeah you were if you were [TS]

00:02:56 ◼   ► like if you know if you were like a [TS]

00:02:57 ◼   ► little guy you could you could probably [TS]

00:03:00 ◼   ► swap clothes with more other guys but [TS]

00:03:01 ◼   ► like you need to find there should be [TS]

00:03:03 ◼   ► some kind of a matching service for [TS]

00:03:05 ◼   ► people based on interest and you know [TS]

00:03:07 ◼   ► what's the word I'm looking for you know [TS]

00:03:10 ◼   ► yeah shape yeah shape right i mean i [TS]

00:03:13 ◼   ► think that there are enough just based [TS]

00:03:15 ◼   ► on the touring that I've done and the [TS]

00:03:18 ◼   ► traveling and the number of people that [TS]

00:03:21 ◼   ► come up with up to be in airports and [TS]

00:03:23 ◼   ► other places and say mr. Roderick i am [TS]

00:03:29 ◼   ► guessing that out there are a large [TS]

00:03:31 ◼   ► number of my people who are interested [TS]

00:03:34 ◼   ► in the things that I make who also are [TS]

00:03:36 ◼   ► my size and shape and I that and so the [TS]

00:03:40 ◼   ► interest in having ebay store was mostly [TS]

00:03:42 ◼   ► to just take these clothes and deliver [TS]

00:03:44 ◼   ► them to a group that was standing there [TS]

00:03:46 ◼   ► with a big catcher's mitt already just [TS]

00:03:49 ◼   ► waiting for the used hunting pants [TS]

00:03:51 ◼   ► thinking to themselves I want used [TS]

00:03:55 ◼   ► hunting pants and can't find them [TS]

00:03:56 ◼   ► anywhere and John Roderick has something [TS]

00:03:59 ◼   ► he's my size and we share a anesthetic [TS]

00:04:02 ◼   ► you know what it's not bespoke it's me [TS]

00:04:05 ◼   ► spoke em think that's the answer that's [TS]

00:04:07 ◼   ► very big smoke [TS]

00:04:08 ◼   ► whoa thats nice bespoke it's sort of [TS]

00:04:10 ◼   ► like it's like a dating service but for [TS]

00:04:12 ◼   ► shape-based pairings are not based on [TS]

00:04:15 ◼   ► interest [TS]

00:04:16 ◼   ► well but you know there's there's [TS]

00:04:17 ◼   ► something there's something to this that [TS]

00:04:19 ◼   ► that gets at the heart of something else [TS]

00:04:22 ◼   ► as all things on our program [TS]

00:04:23 ◼   ► mhm where you know your natural [TS]

00:04:26 ◼   ► inclination when you think about like I [TS]

00:04:28 ◼   ► would like to curate a store of my [TS]

00:04:30 ◼   ► former belongings is to your inclination [TS]

00:04:33 ◼   ► is to look at that desire that impulse [TS]

00:04:36 ◼   ► and say that is narcissistic you know to [TS]

00:04:38 ◼   ► to reduce it to its basis like you are [TS]

00:04:41 ◼   ► an egotist I'm talking now to the [TS]

00:04:44 ◼   ► imaginary me you are an egotist and this [TS]

00:04:46 ◼   ► is narcissism [TS]

00:04:48 ◼   ► in its in it and it's but like most [TS]

00:04:51 ◼   ► reduced form you actually want to take [TS]

00:04:53 ◼   ► your things and put them up on the [TS]

00:04:55 ◼   ► Internet as though they are valuable but [TS]

00:05:00 ◼   ► you know the desire to like curate your [TS]

00:05:04 ◼   ► desire to have a curated life is one [TS]

00:05:07 ◼   ► thing but the desire to have a curated [TS]

00:05:09 ◼   ► history of years of your life and of [TS]

00:05:13 ◼   ► yourself is a different impulse and I [TS]

00:05:15 ◼   ► and in a tangle with it all the time you [TS]

00:05:18 ◼   ► know like four years I i was so i was so [TS]

00:05:22 ◼   ► pleased when I found my father's clothes [TS]

00:05:25 ◼   ► from the sixties and fifties and I found [TS]

00:05:29 ◼   ► them in the eighties a long time after [TS]

00:05:32 ◼   ► my dad had stopped being interested in [TS]

00:05:33 ◼   ► them he couldn't wear them anymore and [TS]

00:05:36 ◼   ► they you know and he was not like a [TS]

00:05:39 ◼   ► trendy guy but but they were dated suits [TS]

00:05:42 ◼   ► you know and and I found these things [TS]

00:05:46 ◼   ► and they the only reason they were there [TS]

00:05:47 ◼   ► and the only reason that they an enemy [TS]

00:05:49 ◼   ► that they were the they were the [TS]

00:05:51 ◼   ► sourdough starter mix of my whole [TS]

00:05:55 ◼   ► fashion sense [TS]

00:05:57 ◼   ► my dad's fifties suits hanging in his [TS]

00:06:00 ◼   ► closet and so my whole life I've [TS]

00:06:02 ◼   ► imagined that because I because i had [TS]

00:06:05 ◼   ► that experience I was aware of it and I [TS]

00:06:07 ◼   ► was saving things in order that my [TS]

00:06:11 ◼   ► future child son or daughter would [TS]

00:06:17 ◼   ► discover this this starter kit again [TS]

00:06:21 ◼   ► this sourdough and that it would be [TS]

00:06:24 ◼   ► useful to them but I don't know how much [TS]

00:06:28 ◼   ► me discovering that you know how much of [TS]

00:06:31 ◼   ► it how much of the fact that my dad just [TS]

00:06:33 ◼   ► absolutely left that stuff around [TS]

00:06:35 ◼   ► because he never got around to throwing [TS]

00:06:37 ◼   ► it away [TS]

00:06:38 ◼   ► how much of that but but but I mean I [TS]

00:06:41 ◼   ► was aware of my dad's history i put on [TS]

00:06:44 ◼   ► those clothes conscious of the fact that [TS]

00:06:46 ◼   ► these were the suits he wore during the [TS]

00:06:48 ◼   ► Kennedy administration I mean I only [TS]

00:06:50 ◼   ► tell me I wasn't blind to that but he [TS]

00:06:53 ◼   ► didn't keep them for me he just kept [TS]

00:06:55 ◼   ► them because yeah and so I've been [TS]

00:06:58 ◼   ► keeping stuff my whole life thinking [TS]

00:07:00 ◼   ► that one day I would [TS]

00:07:01 ◼   ► seed you know it would it would [TS]

00:07:03 ◼   ► regenerate that that excitement and that [TS]

00:07:06 ◼   ► like putting on your dad's clothes you [TS]

00:07:10 ◼   ► know like the spoon song your dad's [TS]

00:07:12 ◼   ► fitted shirt [TS]

00:07:14 ◼   ► uh-huh um it's so it sits there scoffs [TS]

00:07:17 ◼   ► is really got me thinking there's so [TS]

00:07:19 ◼   ► many different levels to this i mean [TS]

00:07:21 ◼   ► only you know the the anecdote I have to [TS]

00:07:23 ◼   ► share as you know my dad died when I was [TS]

00:07:25 ◼   ► really young and I discovered over time [TS]

00:07:27 ◼   ► like little caches of his clothes and he [TS]

00:07:30 ◼   ► was a little taller than me and a little [TS]

00:07:31 ◼   ► skinnier than me but uh i mean i still [TS]

00:07:34 ◼   ► have a jacket of his from the early [TS]

00:07:36 ◼   ► seventies that I we're increasingly less [TS]

00:07:38 ◼   ► because I i do want to keep it but like [TS]

00:07:40 ◼   ► you're on something so super interesting [TS]

00:07:42 ◼   ► i don't want me to make this all [TS]

00:07:43 ◼   ► intellectual because something very [TS]

00:07:44 ◼   ► emotional to what you're describing but [TS]

00:07:46 ◼   ► like when you first when i made the [TS]

00:07:47 ◼   ► crack haha like you know what you like [TS]

00:07:49 ◼   ► some random july kind of project we open [TS]

00:07:51 ◼   ► a shop and saw your own clothes and be [TS]

00:07:53 ◼   ► like a cute little like Portlandia [TS]

00:07:54 ◼   ► sketch but like that's the thing is that [TS]

00:07:56 ◼   ► there's there's such a distinction [TS]

00:07:57 ◼   ► between like how you would choose to [TS]

00:07:59 ◼   ► frame that to the public like the way [TS]

00:08:01 ◼   ► you afraid that to the public and I'm [TS]

00:08:02 ◼   ► taking this kind of seriously because [TS]

00:08:04 ◼   ► what is art anyway you know aren't a lot [TS]

00:08:07 ◼   ► of ways it has to be kind of [TS]

00:08:08 ◼   ► narcissistic it has to be a soft money [TS]

00:08:10 ◼   ► ven diagram on tumblr the day were [TS]

00:08:11 ◼   ► somebody saying like you know the nexus [TS]

00:08:13 ◼   ► of total narcissism and complete [TS]

00:08:16 ◼   ► self-doubt is where you find her [TS]

00:08:17 ◼   ► haha yes it's kind of true but like [TS]

00:08:21 ◼   ► there's one way of saying like okay [TS]

00:08:22 ◼   ► here's all these objects from my life [TS]

00:08:24 ◼   ► that I'm putting a frame around in order [TS]

00:08:27 ◼   ► to highlight how pointless and ephemeral [TS]

00:08:30 ◼   ► they are and there's another way of [TS]

00:08:31 ◼   ► saying well I putting a kind of frame [TS]

00:08:33 ◼   ► around it to show like how important was [TS]

00:08:34 ◼   ► how emblematic it was how this is this [TS]

00:08:36 ◼   ► strange connective tissue between [TS]

00:08:38 ◼   ► generations like you know in the same [TS]

00:08:41 ◼   ► way you use its it's considered very [TS]

00:08:42 ◼   ► normal to say like oh you know i love [TS]

00:08:44 ◼   ► the beatles because my parents loved the [TS]

00:08:45 ◼   ► Beatles it's another kind of thing to go [TS]

00:08:47 ◼   ► like who knows what kind of [TS]

00:08:47 ◼   ► sensibilities i developed based on [TS]

00:08:49 ◼   ► wearing the suit you know and how much [TS]

00:08:51 ◼   ► like I I you know you know it's just [TS]

00:08:53 ◼   ► then there's the whole aspect of like a [TS]

00:08:55 ◼   ► little kid like you never know what your [TS]

00:08:56 ◼   ► little kid wants a question answered [TS]

00:08:58 ◼   ► about like finding like a cigar box full [TS]

00:09:00 ◼   ► of old stuff is like so many answers to [TS]

00:09:03 ◼   ► questions you didn't know existed [TS]

00:09:05 ◼   ► yeah absolutely and you know and like [TS]

00:09:08 ◼   ► there are lots of people who would be [TS]

00:09:11 ◼   ► interested in [TS]

00:09:13 ◼   ► seeing the original handwritten lyrics [TS]

00:09:17 ◼   ► to scared straight right i mean there's [TS]

00:09:20 ◼   ► a lot of fans that like that song when [TS]

00:09:22 ◼   ► it because when they become aware that [TS]

00:09:24 ◼   ► there is a paper that has the original [TS]

00:09:26 ◼   ► handwritten lyrics to that song that I [TS]

00:09:28 ◼   ► was scribbling out as i was writing it [TS]

00:09:31 ◼   ► in the studio there there are plenty of [TS]

00:09:33 ◼   ► people that go [TS]

00:09:34 ◼   ► oh I would be interested in seeing that [TS]

00:09:36 ◼   ► and then there's a much smaller group of [TS]

00:09:38 ◼   ► people that would say i would be [TS]

00:09:39 ◼   ► interested in owning that right i mean [TS]

00:09:41 ◼   ► when you think about the original [TS]

00:09:43 ◼   ► handwritten lyrics to like a rolling [TS]

00:09:45 ◼   ► stone there are millions of people who [TS]

00:09:48 ◼   ► would be interested in seeing it and [TS]

00:09:49 ◼   ► probably you know many tens of thousands [TS]

00:09:52 ◼   ► who would bid on it if it came up for [TS]

00:09:54 ◼   ► auction quite if you know it's a much [TS]

00:09:56 ◼   ► smaller group of people that care about [TS]

00:09:58 ◼   ► scared strange but for me the the [TS]

00:10:03 ◼   ► handwritten lyrics of like a rolling [TS]

00:10:05 ◼   ► stone are interesting to look at but i [TS]

00:10:09 ◼   ► would be much more interested in the [TS]

00:10:10 ◼   ► shirt that Dylan was wearing when he [TS]

00:10:12 ◼   ► wrote it [TS]

00:10:13 ◼   ► uh-huh and dylan probably doesn't [TS]

00:10:18 ◼   ► remember the shirt he was wearing and [TS]

00:10:20 ◼   ► doesn't ever didn't think that way when [TS]

00:10:23 ◼   ► he see so like a peculiarly but so [TS]

00:10:26 ◼   ► uniquely wired to find something like [TS]

00:10:29 ◼   ► that like kind of repulsive [TS]

00:10:31 ◼   ► yeah remember DJ weathermen the guy that [TS]

00:10:33 ◼   ► used to go through his trash and write [TS]

00:10:34 ◼   ► about it like he's Bob Dylan particular [TS]

00:10:37 ◼   ► is particularly wire to go like I'm like [TS]

00:10:39 ◼   ► I'm sure way to care about the song let [TS]

00:10:40 ◼   ► alone my shirt but whatever he would he [TS]

00:10:42 ◼   ► would burn it all or at least he would [TS]

00:10:44 ◼   ► burn it as be just so you can have it [TS]

00:10:46 ◼   ► yeah right and at them and the big [TS]

00:10:48 ◼   ► question of dylanologists is like it [TS]

00:10:51 ◼   ► yes he yes he finds that repulsive but [TS]

00:10:53 ◼   ► also that is his persona you know like [TS]

00:10:55 ◼   ► he's an acting finding that repulsive to [TS]

00:10:58 ◼   ► at the same time [TS]

00:10:59 ◼   ► ok but maybe you know i think i think [TS]

00:11:02 ◼   ► you're right i mean guide it's the [TS]

00:11:04 ◼   ► criminology around that guy's just [TS]

00:11:05 ◼   ► anywhere right are getting when you [TS]

00:11:07 ◼   ► think about but you think about him [TS]

00:11:09 ◼   ► Dylan constructing his personality out [TS]

00:11:11 ◼   ► of Lego blocks and at which you know at [TS]

00:11:14 ◼   ► which point he grabbed the block that [TS]

00:11:15 ◼   ► was like a the kill your idols and and [TS]

00:11:20 ◼   ► set it there is one of the foundational [TS]

00:11:21 ◼   ► 10 who knows but um but [TS]

00:11:26 ◼   ► there's something about me that I [TS]

00:11:29 ◼   ► remember pretty much like I know the [TS]

00:11:32 ◼   ► shirt I was wearing and there's maybe [TS]

00:11:36 ◼   ► only a handful of people that are [TS]

00:11:38 ◼   ► interested in that connection like [TS]

00:11:41 ◼   ► that's the shirts that I was wearing at [TS]

00:11:46 ◼   ► that point and I got that shirt from my [TS]

00:11:48 ◼   ► dad and that's the shirt I was wearing [TS]

00:11:51 ◼   ► when i when i wrote scared straight and [TS]

00:11:53 ◼   ► that through line is meet you know maybe [TS]

00:11:57 ◼   ► we'll never be interesting to my kids or [TS]

00:11:59 ◼   ► my grandkids but it is interesting to [TS]

00:12:02 ◼   ► somebody and that connection is [TS]

00:12:06 ◼   ► interesting to me and I don't know I I [TS]

00:12:09 ◼   ► can't separate out like I think I've got [TS]

00:12:11 ◼   ► it i think i got it and this is this is [TS]

00:12:13 ◼   ► the inevitable party like we you know we [TS]

00:12:15 ◼   ► joke forever about the dumb stuff we say [TS]

00:12:16 ◼   ► for our kids that they want because [TS]

00:12:18 ◼   ► again it's the the part that's so [TS]

00:12:19 ◼   ► interesting is like you know what you [TS]

00:12:21 ◼   ► care about and you know what you found [TS]

00:12:23 ◼   ► interesting but you know that's what you [TS]

00:12:26 ◼   ► found interesting about that particular [TS]

00:12:27 ◼   ► person or you know obviously the clothes [TS]

00:12:30 ◼   ► have become like kind of a touchdown for [TS]

00:12:31 ◼   ► you I guess what I'm saying is like [TS]

00:12:32 ◼   ► there's no we didn't know what your [TS]

00:12:33 ◼   ► kid's gonna care about right that you [TS]

00:12:35 ◼   ► know the idea of saving a shirt for [TS]

00:12:36 ◼   ► somebody is pretty weird like to to [TS]

00:12:38 ◼   ► anybody who's not into in the same way [TS]

00:12:40 ◼   ► as you don't mean it [TS]

00:12:42 ◼   ► yeah like but there still is part of me [TS]

00:12:44 ◼   ► that's like it this is this is not a [TS]

00:12:46 ◼   ► narcissistic but there's a part that [TS]

00:12:47 ◼   ► goes like i know that if i try to save [TS]

00:12:49 ◼   ► everything i'm going to be a garbage man [TS]

00:12:51 ◼   ► i'm not going to be a curator I'm not [TS]

00:12:53 ◼   ► gonna be a collector I'm going I'm going [TS]

00:12:55 ◼   ► to be a kind of emotionally damaged [TS]

00:12:57 ◼   ► order like I don't know what special [TS]

00:12:58 ◼   ► things to keep but the idea of this [TS]

00:13:00 ◼   ► particular thing going into the trash [TS]

00:13:02 ◼   ► because you know any other normal person [TS]

00:13:04 ◼   ► would look at 15 items in a room is like [TS]

00:13:06 ◼   ► the end of indiana jones and the and the [TS]

00:13:08 ◼   ► you know 30 the engines but we gotta [TS]

00:13:10 ◼   ► pick out the right holy grail you know [TS]

00:13:12 ◼   ► the right we will raise the real Grail [TS]

00:13:14 ◼   ► yeah we like up with the carpet nobody [TS]

00:13:16 ◼   ► know exactly that's the kind of [TS]

00:13:18 ◼   ► carpenters cup that's such a great line [TS]

00:13:19 ◼   ► but you know nobody could look at all [TS]

00:13:21 ◼   ► these shirts and go obviously this is [TS]

00:13:23 ◼   ► the important one [TS]

00:13:25 ◼   ► you know what I mean it is completely in [TS]

00:13:27 ◼   ► intrinsic in some ways there's nothing [TS]

00:13:29 ◼   ► extrinsic or somebody go that's the [TS]

00:13:31 ◼   ► nicest one that's the one of the best [TS]

00:13:33 ◼   ► condition right it's a great thing is [TS]

00:13:35 ◼   ► getting really weigh on me now like of [TS]

00:13:37 ◼   ► all of these dumb [TS]

00:13:38 ◼   ► you know hardback books like who's to [TS]

00:13:41 ◼   ► know which one of these is the one that [TS]

00:13:43 ◼   ► made a huge difference they're all just [TS]

00:13:44 ◼   ► a big pile of paper house how's anybody [TS]

00:13:45 ◼   ► gonna care about that the same way that [TS]

00:13:47 ◼   ► I did but you know so how do you make [TS]

00:13:49 ◼   ► this decision it's hard to know what to [TS]

00:13:50 ◼   ► keep on that rack it's hard to know [TS]

00:13:51 ◼   ► first of all not sure who would ever [TS]

00:13:52 ◼   ► want a quarter or invest in your size [TS]

00:13:54 ◼   ► but I guess you did at some point [TS]

00:13:56 ◼   ► can you pull off a vest this episode of [TS]

00:13:59 ◼   ► Roderick online is brought to you by [TS]

00:14:00 ◼   ► need need is a curated retailer and [TS]

00:14:03 ◼   ► lifestyle publication for men each month [TS]

00:14:06 ◼   ► need curates and sells a limited [TS]

00:14:08 ◼   ► selection of products clothing [TS]

00:14:09 ◼   ► literature furniture and otherwise for [TS]

00:14:12 ◼   ► the discerning gentlemen rather than [TS]

00:14:14 ◼   ► offering an overwhelming amount of [TS]

00:14:15 ◼   ► selection need only sells 10 to 15 [TS]

00:14:18 ◼   ► exclusive products per month while also [TS]

00:14:20 ◼   ► offering an ongoing array of essentials [TS]

00:14:22 ◼   ► need just launched its latest collection [TS]

00:14:25 ◼   ► vol 2.7 featuring clothing and [TS]

00:14:27 ◼   ► accessories ideally suited for the [TS]

00:14:29 ◼   ► summer months [TS]

00:14:30 ◼   ► there are no subscriptions services [TS]

00:14:32 ◼   ► boxes stylus or other such gimmicks [TS]

00:14:35 ◼   ► instead you just come to need once a [TS]

00:14:37 ◼   ► month see if there's anything that you [TS]

00:14:38 ◼   ► like and choose to buy leave or just [TS]

00:14:41 ◼   ► hang out to read some of the wonderful [TS]

00:14:42 ◼   ► feature articles for Roderick online [TS]

00:14:45 ◼   ► listeners need are offering twenty [TS]

00:14:46 ◼   ► percent off anything on the site [TS]

00:14:48 ◼   ► including their brand-new collection and [TS]

00:14:50 ◼   ► fathers day gift God just use the [TS]

00:14:52 ◼   ► entirely appropriate and bespoke offer [TS]

00:14:54 ◼   ► code clothes at checkout visit need [TS]

00:14:57 ◼   ► edition calm and redeem the code during [TS]

00:15:00 ◼   ► last stage check out and as always [TS]

00:15:01 ◼   ► please do feel free to say hello to our [TS]

00:15:03 ◼   ► friend Matt Alexander via the live chat [TS]

00:15:06 ◼   ► our thanks to need for making the world [TS]

00:15:07 ◼   ► so much more handsome and for supporting [TS]

00:15:09 ◼   ► Roderick on the lines [TS]

00:15:11 ◼   ► morning blowing okay the internet just [TS]

00:15:19 ◼   ► went away and now we're back i don't [TS]

00:15:21 ◼   ► know how long we were both each just [TS]

00:15:22 ◼   ► talking there i'm pretty sure i'd like [TS]

00:15:26 ◼   ► to thank comcast for all their support [TS]

00:15:29 ◼   ► i'm pretty sure that i was talking for a [TS]

00:15:30 ◼   ► full minute and a half i was looking for [TS]

00:15:32 ◼   ► at least two minutes yeah and then I was [TS]

00:15:34 ◼   ► like Merlin right you haven't said [TS]

00:15:35 ◼   ► anything you haven't granted and nothing [TS]

00:15:38 ◼   ► I was afraid unless let's praise out of [TS]

00:15:40 ◼   ► my mouth was can you pull off a vest [TS]

00:15:43 ◼   ► can you pull off a vest and then there [TS]

00:15:44 ◼   ► was silence and I couldn't reconnect and [TS]

00:15:46 ◼   ► i thought i offended you [TS]

00:15:47 ◼   ► haha you know it's a good question i [TS]

00:15:50 ◼   ► have i have several vests but i have [TS]

00:15:54 ◼   ► never I don't I can't think of a time I [TS]

00:15:57 ◼   ► ever walked out of the house wearing [TS]

00:15:58 ◼   ► only a vest it's you know it seems like [TS]

00:16:00 ◼   ► it's kind of up there with the cowboy [TS]

00:16:01 ◼   ► hat and the leather pants m in the like [TS]

00:16:05 ◼   ► wow you know a good if you can do it [TS]

00:16:07 ◼   ► good on you yeah right that's right you [TS]

00:16:09 ◼   ► have to be if I think you have to be a [TS]

00:16:10 ◼   ► thin guy i think all those things it [TS]

00:16:12 ◼   ► helps if you're a lanky cowboy type [TS]

00:16:14 ◼   ► yeah if you're wearing if you're a [TS]

00:16:15 ◼   ► heavyset guy then your best is I think [TS]

00:16:18 ◼   ► properly a waistcoat but you know what i [TS]

00:16:21 ◼   ► was talking about that whole time was [TS]

00:16:23 ◼   ► that I have sitting on a shelf in my [TS]

00:16:26 ◼   ► living room i have a broken speedometer [TS]

00:16:28 ◼   ► have broken speedometer from an [TS]

00:16:32 ◼   ► automobile a broken speedometer from the [TS]

00:16:34 ◼   ► motorcycle that i crashed in a Kansas [TS]

00:16:36 ◼   ► field in 1986 and I was so devastated [TS]

00:16:42 ◼   ► because this motorcycle represented [TS]

00:16:44 ◼   ► basically my only asset in the world [TS]

00:16:48 ◼   ► it was a it was only a [TS]

00:16:50 ◼   ► five-hundred-dollar motorcyclist honda [TS]

00:16:52 ◼   ► 1981 honda cb650 and erected in this [TS]

00:16:56 ◼   ► field and it was a total wreck but I had [TS]

00:16:59 ◼   ► it I had a friend come put it in the [TS]

00:17:02 ◼   ► back of his pickup truck and drive it to [TS]

00:17:03 ◼   ► denver and I took it to a place called [TS]

00:17:05 ◼   ► denver used motorcycle parts or dump and [TS]

00:17:11 ◼   ► I was like you gotta give me some money [TS]

00:17:12 ◼   ► for this bike it's the only thing I own [TS]

00:17:14 ◼   ► in the world I don't have anything else [TS]

00:17:15 ◼   ► and I was like it's 81 honda it's not [TS]

00:17:18 ◼   ► worth any money i was like come on [TS]

00:17:20 ◼   ► something anything in the guy was like [TS]

00:17:21 ◼   ► twenty bucks [TS]

00:17:23 ◼   ► and I was like really what this was the [TS]

00:17:26 ◼   ► first time in my life I had ever [TS]

00:17:28 ◼   ► well obviously the first time I never [TS]

00:17:30 ◼   ► crashed a motorcycle in Kansas field and [TS]

00:17:32 ◼   ► I didn't know how to deal with it every [TS]

00:17:34 ◼   ► every boy has his first time [TS]

00:17:36 ◼   ► yeah and so the guy wrenches off the [TS]

00:17:39 ◼   ► broken speedometer which is broken and [TS]

00:17:41 ◼   ► still stuck at 80 miles and that you [TS]

00:17:45 ◼   ► know the pits like broken like like [TS]

00:17:47 ◼   ► cracked he goes here's a souvenir and i [TS]

00:17:53 ◼   ► still have it still is it still second [TS]

00:17:55 ◼   ► 80 miles per hour feel stuck at 80 miles [TS]

00:17:57 ◼   ► an hour and I you know and it's like [TS]

00:17:59 ◼   ► what good is that to anybody you know [TS]

00:18:01 ◼   ► what what possible good is that [TS]

00:18:05 ◼   ► well okay but this locates the picking [TS]

00:18:06 ◼   ► up on the thread and you know god damn [TS]

00:18:09 ◼   ► comcast that whatever we're really [TS]

00:18:10 ◼   ► getting somewhere with that arm cast [TS]

00:18:12 ◼   ► like I think there's lots of little [TS]

00:18:13 ◼   ► things I feel like you can tease out [TS]

00:18:16 ◼   ► little distinctions that to me are very [TS]

00:18:17 ◼   ► important [TS]

00:18:18 ◼   ► I mean there's the things that we save [TS]

00:18:20 ◼   ► and we know why and we know it's for [TS]

00:18:22 ◼   ► ourselves and that's okay there's the [TS]

00:18:24 ◼   ► things we say we're not really even sure [TS]

00:18:26 ◼   ► why [TS]

00:18:27 ◼   ► and we think it might be for us you know [TS]

00:18:29 ◼   ► what i mean i think i think there's all [TS]

00:18:30 ◼   ► kinds of different levels to this [TS]

00:18:32 ◼   ► there's some stuff people save think [TS]

00:18:33 ◼   ► about the classic sort of medals and [TS]

00:18:35 ◼   ► trophies kind of thing right where it's [TS]

00:18:37 ◼   ► about like you say that because you want [TS]

00:18:38 ◼   ► to show the people that you've got you [TS]

00:18:40 ◼   ► know you've got wounded in world war two [TS]

00:18:42 ◼   ► or what-have-you somebody handed me a [TS]

00:18:44 ◼   ► facebook challenge coin the other day [TS]

00:18:47 ◼   ► they snuck out their hand and I was like [TS]

00:18:49 ◼   ► oh hi nice to meet you like mr. red [TS]

00:18:52 ◼   ► river and shake his hand and I feel this [TS]

00:18:54 ◼   ► thing between us and I'm like oh god [TS]

00:18:56 ◼   ► what the fuck I'm like oh it's a [TS]

00:18:57 ◼   ► challenge coin i'm looking at the guy [TS]

00:18:59 ◼   ► i'm trying to think what challenge coin [TS]

00:19:01 ◼   ► could this guy possibly be handing me [TS]

00:19:03 ◼   ► it's going to be amazing whatever it is [TS]

00:19:05 ◼   ► and it's a facebook challenge coin [TS]

00:19:07 ◼   ► nothing tracking your movement and he we [TS]

00:19:10 ◼   ► had a look on his face that was justjust [TS]

00:19:12 ◼   ► shire cat you know like you're gonna [TS]

00:19:14 ◼   ► like this of facebook challenge going um [TS]

00:19:18 ◼   ► and so the thing that I thought I've [TS]

00:19:21 ◼   ► anyway the thing i found interesting [TS]

00:19:22 ◼   ► about what we're getting at is this you [TS]

00:19:24 ◼   ► know that are there are those [TS]

00:19:25 ◼   ► distinctions like why am i saving this [TS]

00:19:28 ◼   ► am i saving this for me to remember on [TS]

00:19:30 ◼   ► my saving it for someone else to [TS]

00:19:31 ◼   ► remember my saving this because i think [TS]

00:19:33 ◼   ► it's going to be useful in a way that I [TS]

00:19:36 ◼   ► understand [TS]

00:19:37 ◼   ► could this be useful in a way that I [TS]

00:19:38 ◼   ► don't understand you know because I [TS]

00:19:40 ◼   ► think there's a continuum here or a [TS]

00:19:42 ◼   ► spectrum if you were on the one end like [TS]

00:19:44 ◼   ► if the only if you know it the like you [TS]

00:19:48 ◼   ► know I don't be morose but like you know [TS]

00:19:50 ◼   ► eight a deceased child's blanket like [TS]

00:19:53 ◼   ► that might be something that you would [TS]

00:19:54 ◼   ► want to keep like you get that but [TS]

00:19:56 ◼   ► overhear your like you know I can't keep [TS]

00:19:58 ◼   ► all the blankets I've ever had right [TS]

00:20:00 ◼   ► well I like this like there's there is a [TS]

00:20:02 ◼   ► continuum like there's this emotional [TS]

00:20:04 ◼   ► continuum between like you know somebody [TS]

00:20:07 ◼   ► who's incredibly emotionally healthy and [TS]

00:20:10 ◼   ► has a understand why they're doing this [TS]

00:20:11 ◼   ► downloads all the other end we're likely [TS]

00:20:13 ◼   ► your you know it's like working [TS]

00:20:15 ◼   ► yeah I don't feel it is a sign i do not [TS]

00:20:17 ◼   ► feel that my keeping things is a sign of [TS]

00:20:20 ◼   ► emotional health [TS]

00:20:21 ◼   ► let's be quite frank about that right i [TS]

00:20:24 ◼   ► think that can you say that across the [TS]

00:20:25 ◼   ► board there's some things where it [TS]

00:20:26 ◼   ► totally makes sense don't you imagine [TS]

00:20:28 ◼   ► that that the most emotionally healthy [TS]

00:20:30 ◼   ► doing right now is sitting somewhere in [TS]

00:20:34 ◼   ► Big Sur and all he has it is the only [TS]

00:20:38 ◼   ► thing has on is a vest and it's a board [TS]

00:20:42 ◼   ► short and it is minimalist desk and he's [TS]

00:20:45 ◼   ► just like whatever man but it don't like [TS]

00:20:47 ◼   ► hang onto stuff man [TS]

00:20:49 ◼   ► and then you know and then I'm sitting [TS]

00:20:50 ◼   ► here you know in my in my hunting pants [TS]

00:20:53 ◼   ► with a broken speedometer from 81 honda [TS]

00:20:56 ◼   ► I think he's sounds healthier than me [TS]

00:20:58 ◼   ► i'm not sure [TS]

00:21:00 ◼   ► yeah I you know I guess so or some [TS]

00:21:03 ◼   ► people are more emotionally raw or [TS]

00:21:06 ◼   ► emotionally available or unavailable [TS]

00:21:07 ◼   ► than others but I mean I ice [TS]

00:21:09 ◼   ► I see it you know like in my family like [TS]

00:21:13 ◼   ► my wife is way I don't even think of [TS]

00:21:16 ◼   ► myself as being that into like the [TS]

00:21:18 ◼   ► objects that I say I'm not like i can [TS]

00:21:20 ◼   ► just have the whole boxes of stuff flood [TS]

00:21:22 ◼   ► like I just right I would be okay oh [TS]

00:21:24 ◼   ► that's a bummer but like I wouldn't I i [TS]

00:21:26 ◼   ► also maybe that's partly because I know [TS]

00:21:28 ◼   ► that I'm wrong enough that if I really [TS]

00:21:29 ◼   ► thought about it I'd be sad forever but [TS]

00:21:31 ◼   ► however one day one day I was about to [TS]

00:21:33 ◼   ► take out the trash in the kitchen and I [TS]

00:21:35 ◼   ► looked in the trash and if I just have [TS]

00:21:37 ◼   ► to tell you my wife is she loves [TS]

00:21:39 ◼   ► throwing things away even you know like [TS]

00:21:41 ◼   ► I'm a purge guy sometimes i really want [TS]

00:21:43 ◼   ► to push my wife is like day today she [TS]

00:21:44 ◼   ► loves throwing things away or recycling [TS]

00:21:46 ◼   ► but you know getting useless things out [TS]

00:21:48 ◼   ► of her life and look in there [TS]

00:21:49 ◼   ► as pair of shoes in there and I was like [TS]

00:21:52 ◼   ► my heart sank and I i picked up this the [TS]

00:21:55 ◼   ► this old gross pair of her shoes and [TS]

00:21:58 ◼   ► held them up in the air and was like [TS]

00:22:00 ◼   ► what are you doing she said there's a [TS]

00:22:02 ◼   ► disgusting i have 19 years I said this [TS]

00:22:05 ◼   ► is the shoes you were wearing when i met [TS]

00:22:06 ◼   ► you [TS]

00:22:06 ◼   ► yeah oh I might as well have said like [TS]

00:22:11 ◼   ► this is the turn I made the morning [TS]

00:22:13 ◼   ► after we met [TS]

00:22:14 ◼   ► if one of the want to throw your wedding [TS]

00:22:15 ◼   ► dress you better [TS]

00:22:17 ◼   ► but like they were exactly what she they [TS]

00:22:21 ◼   ► were like old shoes she did not want to [TS]

00:22:23 ◼   ► wear anymore they were out of fashion [TS]

00:22:25 ◼   ► they were they were dirty old groceries [TS]

00:22:27 ◼   ► and she threw them away but like my [TS]

00:22:29 ◼   ► first reaction of course because you [TS]

00:22:30 ◼   ► know I'm so good at instantly making it [TS]

00:22:32 ◼   ► about me [TS]

00:22:32 ◼   ► you want to come to garbage but it's [TS]

00:22:37 ◼   ► funny though because like sometimes my [TS]

00:22:38 ◼   ► daughter and I will go like to get our [TS]

00:22:40 ◼   ► scooters you know will notice walk by [TS]

00:22:42 ◼   ► the trash and we'll go like what like [TS]

00:22:44 ◼   ► discovered things in the trash and be [TS]

00:22:45 ◼   ► like hey you either way this popsicle [TS]

00:22:48 ◼   ► stick and then she'll go to shoot their [TS]

00:22:50 ◼   ► way my popsicle stick [TS]

00:22:53 ◼   ► well now let me ask you where you were [TS]

00:22:56 ◼   ► you I i know there's a there's a term [TS]

00:22:58 ◼   ► for this or a word for it even i'm not [TS]

00:23:00 ◼   ► sure what it is but like I when I was a [TS]

00:23:02 ◼   ► kid if if I took a banana banana off a [TS]

00:23:07 ◼   ► bunch of bananas there was a part of me [TS]

00:23:09 ◼   ► that felt sorry for the the other [TS]

00:23:12 ◼   ► bananas [TS]

00:23:13 ◼   ► uh-huh because i had chosen the one [TS]

00:23:15 ◼   ► banana and I felt I felt like I was I [TS]

00:23:19 ◼   ► had to comfort the remaining bananas [TS]

00:23:22 ◼   ► that it wasn't about them [TS]

00:23:25 ◼   ► it was just that i picked this one [TS]

00:23:28 ◼   ► banana you know what I mean like either [TS]

00:23:29 ◼   ► i feel so much emotion and always have [TS]

00:23:33 ◼   ► from the time I was a little kid about [TS]

00:23:34 ◼   ► inanimate objects [TS]

00:23:36 ◼   ► I man right here and you know reduced to [TS]

00:23:38 ◼   ► tears feeling sorry for a a chair with a [TS]

00:23:46 ◼   ► broken leg or i mean i remember i used [TS]

00:23:49 ◼   ► to have a flag that like one of those [TS]

00:23:52 ◼   ► orange safety flags that they attached [TS]

00:23:57 ◼   ► to the back of my bike [TS]

00:23:58 ◼   ► so you could see me around corners or [TS]

00:24:01 ◼   ► yeah that was a really big pennant a big [TS]

00:24:03 ◼   ► penetrate a big orange Pentagon on upon [TS]

00:24:05 ◼   ► a little of our flexible pole on the [TS]

00:24:07 ◼   ► back of my bike and somehow I I crashed [TS]

00:24:10 ◼   ► the bike and it and my penance ripped [TS]

00:24:13 ◼   ► our and I was in consolidate all not [TS]

00:24:18 ◼   ► because like because the pendant was [TS]

00:24:21 ◼   ► less useful or because you know but [TS]

00:24:23 ◼   ► because that because I felt sorry for [TS]

00:24:25 ◼   ► the Penans and I've carried that into [TS]

00:24:29 ◼   ► adulthood in a way that you know I don't [TS]

00:24:32 ◼   ► now apologize to things that i use i [TS]

00:24:35 ◼   ► don't feel like broken things I don't [TS]

00:24:38 ◼   ► cry for broken things the same way but [TS]

00:24:41 ◼   ► but objects do have like they have an [TS]

00:24:46 ◼   ► emotional valence they do yes and and [TS]

00:24:49 ◼   ► it's and it's very hard for me to you [TS]

00:24:52 ◼   ► know in a way like throw things away [TS]

00:24:54 ◼   ► that have that have served me well i [TS]

00:24:57 ◼   ► guess because I want to honor their [TS]

00:25:00 ◼   ► service [TS]

00:25:01 ◼   ► okay I hate to admit it but I'm not [TS]

00:25:04 ◼   ► nearly as much that way they used to be [TS]

00:25:05 ◼   ► but i was so that way and I I think it's [TS]

00:25:08 ◼   ► because i am and always have been a [TS]

00:25:10 ◼   ► little broken inside and so I mean like [TS]

00:25:12 ◼   ► the little here's the thing when i get [TS]

00:25:13 ◼   ► back to the continuum I don't think [TS]

00:25:15 ◼   ► there's that many examples of this you [TS]

00:25:16 ◼   ► can come up with examples of this than [TS]

00:25:17 ◼   ► almost anybody you know crying that your [TS]

00:25:20 ◼   ► wife threw out an old pair of shoes not [TS]

00:25:22 ◼   ► crying but like going hey yeah that's [TS]

00:25:23 ◼   ► pretty weird [TS]

00:25:24 ◼   ► this always sells shoes end up in the [TS]

00:25:26 ◼   ► garbage yeah totally yes young i want [TS]

00:25:28 ◼   ► you how many how many pairs of shoes [TS]

00:25:30 ◼   ► will we save this becomes a question [TS]

00:25:32 ◼   ► like what and how do we honor some how [TS]

00:25:34 ◼   ► do we honor the shoes she doesn't know [TS]

00:25:36 ◼   ► what it's weird [TS]

00:25:37 ◼   ► yeah but now but like for example like [TS]

00:25:40 ◼   ► there's all the obvious kinds of things [TS]

00:25:41 ◼   ► like you know I i used to have a lot of [TS]

00:25:44 ◼   ► attachment to stuffed animals were at [TS]

00:25:46 ◼   ► plushies as they're now called my kid [TS]

00:25:48 ◼   ► loves him now I think she got it i love [TS]

00:25:50 ◼   ► my stuffed animals when I was a kid [TS]

00:25:52 ◼   ► 22 until I was like pretty old and like [TS]

00:25:54 ◼   ► so stuff like seeing a stuffed animal on [TS]

00:25:57 ◼   ► the street still makes me melancholy I [TS]

00:25:59 ◼   ► think that's a pretty clear one right no [TS]

00:26:02 ◼   ► matter how much no matter how many pork [TS]

00:26:03 ◼   ► chops you jam in your mouth hole every [TS]

00:26:05 ◼   ► month watching the first few minutes of [TS]

00:26:07 ◼   ► babe home it will tug on your [TS]

00:26:08 ◼   ► heartstrings and you go oh my god [TS]

00:26:09 ◼   ► totally eating a pig [TS]

00:26:10 ◼   ► there's all kinds of the [TS]

00:26:11 ◼   ► as we're like things you are generally [TS]

00:26:13 ◼   ► think of as an inert object you suddenly [TS]

00:26:15 ◼   ► feel very emotional about for all kinds [TS]

00:26:17 ◼   ► of reasons and so you know in but maybe [TS]

00:26:20 ◼   ► you're right maybe it maybe does come [TS]

00:26:21 ◼   ► down to be a little being a little bit [TS]

00:26:22 ◼   ► you know broken inside [TS]

00:26:25 ◼   ► in some ways yeah I used to isolate feel [TS]

00:26:27 ◼   ► really bad for my feel positive we've [TS]

00:26:29 ◼   ► had this conversation before but I used [TS]

00:26:31 ◼   ► to feel bad i used to have feel bad for [TS]

00:26:33 ◼   ► my clothes I used to like feel like if I [TS]

00:26:35 ◼   ► didn't wear them often enough or like [TS]

00:26:37 ◼   ► you know I didn't want my socks be [TS]

00:26:38 ◼   ► separated and I didn't I didn't want I [TS]

00:26:41 ◼   ► didn't want my shirt to get their [TS]

00:26:42 ◼   ► feelings hurt i have about that very [TS]

00:26:43 ◼   ► strongly absolutely and and and there is [TS]

00:26:46 ◼   ► something I i got a Valentine one time [TS]

00:26:50 ◼   ► in about third grade and the valentine i [TS]

00:26:56 ◼   ► may have talked about this a long time [TS]

00:26:57 ◼   ► ago with you but the Valentine was a [TS]

00:26:59 ◼   ► little girl and she was crying and she [TS]

00:27:01 ◼   ► was holding a flower and she'd obviously [TS]

00:27:05 ◼   ► been playing the he loves me he loves me [TS]

00:27:08 ◼   ► not [TS]

00:27:09 ◼   ► game for plucking the pedals off the [TS]

00:27:12 ◼   ► flour and she had plucked the pedals [TS]

00:27:15 ◼   ► down to the last petal there was one [TS]

00:27:18 ◼   ► petal remaining on her flower and it was [TS]

00:27:20 ◼   ► clear from the narrative the of it the [TS]

00:27:23 ◼   ► unwritten narrative of the Valentine [TS]

00:27:25 ◼   ► that she had arrived at the last panel [TS]

00:27:27 ◼   ► that the pedal was he loves me not [TS]

00:27:31 ◼   ► and she could not pluck it and was [TS]

00:27:35 ◼   ► crying holding the flower imagining [TS]

00:27:38 ◼   ► imagining that she could go back in time [TS]

00:27:41 ◼   ► imagining another world an alternate [TS]

00:27:43 ◼   ► reality where the last petal was that he [TS]

00:27:46 ◼   ► loves me and the Valentine was this [TS]

00:27:48 ◼   ► little cartoon of a girl crying and and [TS]

00:27:51 ◼   ► it said i will be so lonely if you [TS]

00:27:55 ◼   ► aren't my valentine or something like [TS]

00:27:59 ◼   ► that and all of this was that it was it [TS]

00:28:00 ◼   ► wasn't explicit it was just in the [TS]

00:28:02 ◼   ► drawing and has a third-grader I could I [TS]

00:28:05 ◼   ► understood the story that it was that [TS]

00:28:07 ◼   ► was being told and this valentine [TS]

00:28:10 ◼   ► destroyed me and I and and I I openly [TS]

00:28:15 ◼   ► cried at receiving and I don't remember [TS]

00:28:18 ◼   ► who was from comic-con [TS]

00:28:19 ◼   ► but I it was just you know it was one of [TS]

00:28:22 ◼   ► those things like everybody in the class [TS]

00:28:23 ◼   ► has to give everybody a Valentine [TS]

00:28:25 ◼   ► situations but here this thing popped up [TS]

00:28:27 ◼   ► in the newspaper somebody about a store [TS]

00:28:29 ◼   ► ya popped up in a stack of Valentine's [TS]

00:28:31 ◼   ► and the it was so fraud and and and i [TS]

00:28:35 ◼   ► felt so acutely for this little cartoon [TS]

00:28:37 ◼   ► girl that she had started out probably [TS]

00:28:40 ◼   ► plucking these pedals full of excitement [TS]

00:28:43 ◼   ► and hope and fun like he loves me he [TS]

00:28:45 ◼   ► loves me not he loves me and then she [TS]

00:28:47 ◼   ► and then it started to get darker as she [TS]

00:28:49 ◼   ► was running out of pedals on this she [TS]

00:28:52 ◼   ► got down to that last petal and she [TS]

00:28:54 ◼   ► couldn't pluck it and I wanted and I [TS]

00:28:56 ◼   ► wanted to do anything in the world to [TS]

00:28:58 ◼   ► change this girl's life to change the [TS]

00:29:00 ◼   ► story to change the reality to put an [TS]

00:29:02 ◼   ► extra pedal on that flat fucking flower [TS]

00:29:05 ◼   ► and I i would sit so I kept this [TS]

00:29:08 ◼   ► valentine and I tucked it away and I [TS]

00:29:11 ◼   ► would take it out sometimes and look at [TS]

00:29:13 ◼   ► it like it was pornography because it [TS]

00:29:17 ◼   ► could put me in this place of like [TS]

00:29:19 ◼   ► emotional just absolute darkness you [TS]

00:29:24 ◼   ► never get didn't diminish over time you [TS]

00:29:26 ◼   ► know had that power and i would i would [TS]

00:29:28 ◼   ► draw it sometimes I would sit and end [TS]

00:29:31 ◼   ► and either trace it or actually do [TS]

00:29:32 ◼   ► drawings of it on a separate piece of [TS]

00:29:34 ◼   ► paper I guess trying to unlock it trying [TS]

00:29:38 ◼   ► to unlock the story or or change it in [TS]

00:29:42 ◼   ► some way and I so i think that i still [TS]

00:29:48 ◼   ► have the valentine i think i may even [TS]

00:29:50 ◼   ► still have some of the drawings i did of [TS]

00:29:52 ◼   ► the Valentine God and I don't instead [TS]

00:29:56 ◼   ► still sitting and thinking about it [TS]

00:29:58 ◼   ► right now i can i can picture everything [TS]

00:30:00 ◼   ► about it and i am and i still feel for [TS]

00:30:04 ◼   ► that little girl haha [TS]

00:30:06 ◼   ► and what's what's crazy is that I've [TS]

00:30:09 ◼   ► only just started exposing my daughter [TS]

00:30:13 ◼   ► to to media that is complicated right up [TS]

00:30:18 ◼   ► until now it's you know all of her books [TS]

00:30:19 ◼   ► and all the stuff that she's been [TS]

00:30:21 ◼   ► exposed to is pretty much on the line [TS]

00:30:23 ◼   ► ambiguous kids stuff [TS]

00:30:24 ◼   ► yeah it's just like little apple boy [TS]

00:30:27 ◼   ► puts the letter a on his apple basket [TS]

00:30:29 ◼   ► but heat is good supper [TS]

00:30:31 ◼   ► that's right little apple Boyd never [TS]

00:30:33 ◼   ► complains about going to bed but he's so [TS]

00:30:35 ◼   ► big but I've started you know I'm [TS]

00:30:38 ◼   ► started introducing her to you know we [TS]

00:30:41 ◼   ► watch Dumbo [TS]

00:30:42 ◼   ► oh and i forgot i was like Dumbo the [TS]

00:30:47 ◼   ► flying elephant [TS]

00:30:48 ◼   ► oh my i was sat down and what had [TS]

00:30:50 ◼   ► started watching tempo and I'm like [TS]

00:30:52 ◼   ► Dumbo and sees a funny funny funny often [TS]

00:30:54 ◼   ► but i often we just need self-confidence [TS]

00:30:56 ◼   ► with the flappy ears at the flower and [TS]

00:30:59 ◼   ► number on the trunk of sex look [TS]

00:31:01 ◼   ► okay Dumbo is like it's like basically a [TS]

00:31:05 ◼   ► it is full of a minute it's it's a it's [TS]

00:31:11 ◼   ► basically the the story of precious the [TS]

00:31:16 ◼   ► that whatever that movie was from a [TS]

00:31:18 ◼   ► couple years ago however long the night [TS]

00:31:20 ◼   ► with the name of the person in it [TS]

00:31:22 ◼   ► yeah um based on sapphire or something [TS]

00:31:25 ◼   ► yeah but that's right it's you know like [TS]

00:31:27 ◼   ► Dumbo was born everyone rejects him [TS]

00:31:30 ◼   ► because of his birth defect and his [TS]

00:31:32 ◼   ► mother trying to defend him is a is [TS]

00:31:35 ◼   ► taken away by the authorities and put in [TS]

00:31:37 ◼   ► sale insane asylum dumbo is rejected by [TS]

00:31:40 ◼   ► the tribe and his only friend is a [TS]

00:31:42 ◼   ► wisecracking mouse he's surrounded by [TS]

00:31:45 ◼   ► evil clowns he is he's forced into you [TS]

00:31:50 ◼   ► know essentially like a is forced into [TS]

00:31:52 ◼   ► being up like a freaking slideshow yeah [TS]

00:31:55 ◼   ► right [TS]

00:31:56 ◼   ► a professional freak and only in the [TS]

00:32:01 ◼   ► only in the last minute of the film is [TS]

00:32:03 ◼   ► there any redemption and it is when he [TS]

00:32:05 ◼   ► discovers he can fly oh oh and then [TS]

00:32:07 ◼   ► there's you know they're the like the [TS]

00:32:08 ◼   ► the tribe of racist the crows are ready [TS]

00:32:13 ◼   ► you know the crows themselves are racist [TS]

00:32:15 ◼   ► but their portrayal is races [TS]

00:32:16 ◼   ► yeah and and so i'm watching this movie [TS]

00:32:20 ◼   ► and she is just she's like yelling at [TS]

00:32:25 ◼   ► the screen like no Jake can take depose [TS]

00:32:29 ◼   ► mom and she's just like so her emotional [TS]

00:32:34 ◼   ► response to this stuff is like so [TS]

00:32:40 ◼   ► intense and I'm sitting there I'm like [TS]

00:32:42 ◼   ► I'd do i right [TS]

00:32:44 ◼   ► right do I turn this off because you [TS]

00:32:46 ◼   ► don't want you don't mean the thing is [TS]

00:32:47 ◼   ► though you get every kid sits with that [TS]

00:32:49 ◼   ► and they turn out mostly ok but like you [TS]

00:32:51 ◼   ► just hate seeing your kid like now [TS]

00:32:52 ◼   ► you're sitting there you you put your [TS]

00:32:54 ◼   ► child in this situation are you positive [TS]

00:32:56 ◼   ► this monstrosity I much i mentioned babe [TS]

00:32:59 ◼   ► we made about three minutes into babe [TS]

00:33:01 ◼   ► and then she started sitting upright now [TS]

00:33:02 ◼   ► I know what that means when she was [TS]

00:33:03 ◼   ► little she would always say this is [TS]

00:33:04 ◼   ► boring right this is this is boring that [TS]

00:33:07 ◼   ► means like this is horrifying me please [TS]

00:33:08 ◼   ► take off and started to kind of look [TS]

00:33:10 ◼   ► down a little bit and I could tell me [TS]

00:33:11 ◼   ► about 30 seconds from tears like what am [TS]

00:33:13 ◼   ► i doing what if I done and so she really [TS]

00:33:15 ◼   ► she feels it too huh you feel stuff [TS]

00:33:17 ◼   ► super hard everything is I was talking [TS]

00:33:19 ◼   ► to my mom about it and dumbo came out in [TS]

00:33:22 ◼   ► 1941 yes for early 45 40 41 and my mom [TS]

00:33:29 ◼   ► was six years old in nineteen forty six [TS]

00:33:32 ◼   ► or seven years old she was like oh i [TS]

00:33:34 ◼   ► remember going to see Dumbo in the [TS]

00:33:36 ◼   ► theater when it came out I was like wow [TS]

00:33:40 ◼   ► how did you feel about it and she said [TS]

00:33:43 ◼   ► oh I mean it was you know kids movie [TS]

00:33:47 ◼   ► like all those movies and as I started [TS]

00:33:50 ◼   ► to unpack it I realized that the [TS]

00:33:52 ◼   ► experiences that dumbo was having in [TS]

00:33:56 ◼   ► comparison to be experiences my mom was [TS]

00:33:58 ◼   ► actually having dinner in her own [TS]

00:34:00 ◼   ► real-life right [TS]

00:34:01 ◼   ► dumbo was some light-hearted shit to her [TS]

00:34:03 ◼   ► right you know like like my mom was [TS]

00:34:07 ◼   ► actually you know was was actually an [TS]

00:34:10 ◼   ► orphan laboring on a farm right and [TS]

00:34:16 ◼   ► dumbo was you know at least getting a [TS]

00:34:18 ◼   ► fun farm that one don't like it when you [TS]

00:34:20 ◼   ► say four people going to go dude like [TS]

00:34:23 ◼   ► turkey in the straw kind of think it's [TS]

00:34:24 ◼   ► like no really a million more like me [TS]

00:34:25 ◼   ► think coal miners that land right a farm [TS]

00:34:28 ◼   ► where you where there was an outhouse [TS]

00:34:30 ◼   ► and we're grinding poverty the way you [TS]

00:34:33 ◼   ► drive your clothes in winter was that [TS]

00:34:35 ◼   ► you hung them up outside they froze and [TS]

00:34:38 ◼   ► then you beat them with a rod until the [TS]

00:34:41 ◼   ► ice broke off of them and that was how [TS]

00:34:43 ◼   ► that and then took them inside and [TS]

00:34:44 ◼   ► ironed them dry so my mom was like oh I [TS]

00:34:48 ◼   ► you know dumbo shrugged it off and I was [TS]

00:34:51 ◼   ► like oh my god a so of course I didn't [TS]

00:34:54 ◼   ► turn it off [TS]

00:34:55 ◼   ► and I you know and I held my little girl [TS]

00:34:58 ◼   ► and said you know like and talk to her [TS]

00:35:01 ◼   ► about it you know I didn't like say it's [TS]

00:35:03 ◼   ► ok it's ok I I said he had Dumbo's mom [TS]

00:35:06 ◼   ► is really in trouble she was trying to [TS]

00:35:08 ◼   ► help him wasn't she [TS]

00:35:09 ◼   ► and you know and we walk we talked our [TS]

00:35:12 ◼   ► way through the movie and I was like oh [TS]

00:35:15 ◼   ► jesus that was emotionally fraught for [TS]

00:35:17 ◼   ► me [TS]

00:35:17 ◼   ► oh yeah i think it would have been if I [TS]

00:35:19 ◼   ► had just watched by myself really like [TS]

00:35:22 ◼   ► about what a terrible time dumbo had and [TS]

00:35:24 ◼   ► i'm not sure what I watched it in 1972 [TS]

00:35:28 ◼   ► what their I mean it was dumbo had a [TS]

00:35:32 ◼   ► worse time that I did but you know [TS]

00:35:33 ◼   ► jumbled and ER like on ir near the top [TS]

00:35:37 ◼   ► of the list of like they're canonical I [TS]

00:35:39 ◼   ► mean in terms of like my disney hates [TS]

00:35:41 ◼   ► parents and consequently kind of hates [TS]

00:35:43 ◼   ► kids like we are going to make you feel [TS]

00:35:45 ◼   ► so low and here's the thing these disney [TS]

00:35:48 ◼   ► movies this is the thing to keep in mind [TS]

00:35:49 ◼   ► is you know what you're talking about [TS]

00:35:51 ◼   ► like you know people with certain [TS]

00:35:52 ◼   ► generation they all Disney movies [TS]

00:35:53 ◼   ► they're like these fun things and [TS]

00:35:55 ◼   ► there's lots of a wackadoodle animals [TS]

00:35:57 ◼   ► singing songs and stuff like that [TS]

00:35:58 ◼   ► I've been thinking about this a lot [TS]

00:35:59 ◼   ► lately is the what is it that really [TS]

00:36:01 ◼   ► sticks with you about a movie and the [TS]

00:36:04 ◼   ► thing is some people might really they [TS]

00:36:06 ◼   ► might remember like Mary Poppins for [TS]

00:36:09 ◼   ► let's go fly a kite [TS]

00:36:10 ◼   ► I remember it for the woman feeding the [TS]

00:36:12 ◼   ► birds oh yeah and it's well experienced [TS]

00:36:15 ◼   ► very it's so depressing and like in like [TS]

00:36:18 ◼   ► an in these cases these movies were [TS]

00:36:19 ◼   ► talking about like it may have you like [TS]

00:36:21 ◼   ► Robin Hood and like putting children in [TS]

00:36:23 ◼   ► jail [TS]

00:36:24 ◼   ► it's like how you explain a little bit [TS]

00:36:26 ◼   ► by these children are in jail [TS]

00:36:27 ◼   ► well it's friendly and is the princess [TS]

00:36:30 ◼   ► corrupt and he's a lion man and it's [TS]

00:36:32 ◼   ► like but what you really remember that [TS]

00:36:33 ◼   ► there are these just stuff that I think [TS]

00:36:36 ◼   ► the impact that sticks with least mean a [TS]

00:36:38 ◼   ► lot of people i know was the incredibly [TS]

00:36:39 ◼   ► intensely sad stuff and then in fact [TS]

00:36:42 ◼   ► when you want to have this kind of [TS]

00:36:43 ◼   ► tacked on happy ending it kind of makes [TS]

00:36:45 ◼   ► it worse because you're like who like [TS]

00:36:48 ◼   ► there's this thing I don't understand [TS]

00:36:50 ◼   ► i'm kind of pushing this bruise now [TS]

00:36:51 ◼   ► about how sad this made me and all this [TS]

00:36:53 ◼   ► all this kind of you know baggy pants [TS]

00:36:56 ◼   ► humor at the end is not making me feel [TS]

00:36:58 ◼   ► better but it feels it feels really [TS]

00:37:00 ◼   ► false [TS]

00:37:01 ◼   ► it feels really fake and emotional [TS]

00:37:04 ◼   ► impact you're trying to create it's like [TS]

00:37:05 ◼   ► everything turns out great the parents [TS]

00:37:06 ◼   ► are back yeah [TS]

00:37:07 ◼   ► or whatever it's like it's so it doesn't [TS]

00:37:10 ◼   ► not only doesn't offset how sad you were [TS]

00:37:12 ◼   ► at the end of the first or second act [TS]

00:37:14 ◼   ► but like how it makes it kind of you [TS]

00:37:16 ◼   ► know I'm saying it kind of makes it [TS]

00:37:17 ◼   ► worse that like you're trying to like [TS]

00:37:19 ◼   ► make me happy now when I know the [TS]

00:37:21 ◼   ► profundity of that sadness that I felt [TS]

00:37:23 ◼   ► is so much more important than seeing [TS]

00:37:25 ◼   ► the end of Technicolor production or [TS]

00:37:27 ◼   ► whatever [TS]

00:37:28 ◼   ► yeah the the end of Dumbo I'm not sure I [TS]

00:37:30 ◼   ► ever [TS]

00:37:31 ◼   ► I mean I haven't watched any advil and [TS]

00:37:33 ◼   ► do not remember well he I mean that [TS]

00:37:36 ◼   ► device he flies and then he's the star [TS]

00:37:39 ◼   ► and the last scene of the movie is that [TS]

00:37:42 ◼   ► dumbo has his own super cool art deco [TS]

00:37:47 ◼   ► styled train car the tacked onto the end [TS]

00:37:51 ◼   ► of the Train it's very modern and [TS]

00:37:54 ◼   ► there's a balcony where his mother is [TS]

00:37:57 ◼   ► sitting watching him fly high above the [TS]

00:38:01 ◼   ► train i think maybe the crows are there [TS]

00:38:03 ◼   ► they're all friends huh and but the [TS]

00:38:06 ◼   ► thing is like watching it now I did very [TS]

00:38:09 ◼   ► much have the experience of thinking [TS]

00:38:11 ◼   ► Dumbo's mother is never gonna live that [TS]

00:38:13 ◼   ► down [TS]

00:38:13 ◼   ► she's never going to feel safe again and [TS]

00:38:15 ◼   ► never again I mean if terry gilliam made [TS]

00:38:17 ◼   ► an honest version of that it would all [TS]

00:38:19 ◼   ► turn out to have been a dream what [TS]

00:38:20 ◼   ► number was being tortured and was like [TS]

00:38:21 ◼   ► dehydrated and I'm imagining it would be [TS]

00:38:23 ◼   ► like you know flying flying with Jill [TS]

00:38:25 ◼   ► through the air in Brazil no no no that [TS]

00:38:27 ◼   ► didn't really happen [TS]

00:38:28 ◼   ► you're just sitting there getting [TS]

00:38:29 ◼   ► tortured by the guy from monty python [TS]

00:38:30 ◼   ► it's all good yeah it was it was I mean [TS]

00:38:32 ◼   ► it was the end of innocence but when you [TS]

00:38:35 ◼   ► go back to the beginning of Dumbo when [TS]

00:38:37 ◼   ► Dumbo's mother is waiting [TS]

00:38:39 ◼   ► I mean Dumbo's mother is waiting for the [TS]

00:38:42 ◼   ► stork to deliver her baby and everyone [TS]

00:38:44 ◼   ► else in the circus has already had a [TS]

00:38:46 ◼   ► baby and Dumbo's mother than the stork [TS]

00:38:50 ◼   ► like was late or was it was a a stumble [TS]

00:38:53 ◼   ► bomb and what they chose to pull punches [TS]

00:38:56 ◼   ► about is so bananas like we don't talk [TS]

00:38:58 ◼   ► about coitus but the fact that she might [TS]

00:39:00 ◼   ► be barren and she's incredibly lonely [TS]

00:39:01 ◼   ► front and center [TS]

00:39:03 ◼   ► yeah and on and all the other elephants [TS]

00:39:05 ◼   ► all of whom i might add have [TS]

00:39:07 ◼   ► mid-atlantic accents are not that I'll [TS]

00:39:12 ◼   ► speak like this [TS]

00:39:13 ◼   ► yes they do wow she's Shelby a terrible [TS]

00:39:17 ◼   ► matter about your uncle and they're all [TS]

00:39:21 ◼   ► like [TS]

00:39:21 ◼   ► already at the start of the movie you [TS]

00:39:23 ◼   ► can tell that Dumbo's mother is a an [TS]

00:39:25 ◼   ► outcast be maybe a little slow and none [TS]

00:39:34 ◼   ► of the other like none of the other sort [TS]

00:39:37 ◼   ► of a quickie elephants like her at all [TS]

00:39:42 ◼   ► they're mocking her before the before [TS]

00:39:44 ◼   ► the baby even arrives God and so it's a [TS]

00:39:47 ◼   ► there's no there's no happy ending to [TS]

00:39:50 ◼   ► that movie like even if dumbo is written [TS]

00:39:53 ◼   ► in part of it as the American ending [TS]

00:39:55 ◼   ► right where dumbo gets rich and that is [TS]

00:39:57 ◼   ► the triumph right that now they have [TS]

00:40:00 ◼   ► their own railcar but they're still in [TS]

00:40:01 ◼   ► the freaking circus they're not back in [TS]

00:40:04 ◼   ► that they're not back in the Savannah [TS]

00:40:06 ◼   ► dumb bowed and his mother didn't free [TS]

00:40:07 ◼   ► themselves but they're still there still [TS]

00:40:10 ◼   ► in Chains [TS]

00:40:11 ◼   ► I you know I don't know I i feel like [TS]

00:40:13 ◼   ► i'm gonna be my little girl and I are [TS]

00:40:15 ◼   ► going to sit and we're going to digest [TS]

00:40:17 ◼   ► dumbo for a while but I but seeing her [TS]

00:40:23 ◼   ► emotional reaction to you know that [TS]

00:40:27 ◼   ► thing that you're describing where she [TS]

00:40:28 ◼   ► sits up straight [TS]

00:40:29 ◼   ► all of a sudden movement and and all he [TS]

00:40:31 ◼   ► is trying to avert our eyes and you go i [TS]

00:40:36 ◼   ► can i'm not just gonna keep broadcasting [TS]

00:40:38 ◼   ► happy fluff to her right but but uh but [TS]

00:40:44 ◼   ► if she shares my emotional nature like [TS]

00:40:47 ◼   ► there are so many more land mines in the [TS]

00:40:50 ◼   ► world than for a normal person you know [TS]

00:40:53 ◼   ► and i'm not just want to say like I I'm [TS]

00:40:56 ◼   ► glad with a kid can still have feelings [TS]

00:40:59 ◼   ► I mean in a way when it be it would be [TS]

00:41:01 ◼   ► even weirder if they were sitting there [TS]

00:41:02 ◼   ► and like laughing at home no feeling [TS]

00:41:05 ◼   ► like that means that she's not dead [TS]

00:41:06 ◼   ► inside you know and that makes me happy [TS]

00:41:09 ◼   ► but I totally get what you're saying [TS]

00:41:10 ◼   ► where it's it's it that's not that yes a [TS]

00:41:13 ◼   ► minefield yeah and-and-and you know if [TS]

00:41:16 ◼   ► there's a part there's a part of my life [TS]

00:41:20 ◼   ► that I absolutely would not trade you [TS]

00:41:22 ◼   ► know the the the the degree to which I [TS]

00:41:27 ◼   ► see the world through emotions even [TS]

00:41:30 ◼   ► though i think over the years I have [TS]

00:41:32 ◼   ► been accused by a lot of people of being [TS]

00:41:34 ◼   ► cold or of being you know emotionally [TS]

00:41:38 ◼   ► distant from them in particular [TS]

00:41:40 ◼   ► emotionally distant from other people [TS]

00:41:42 ◼   ► and yet [TS]

00:41:44 ◼   ► like I it i walked through a world that [TS]

00:41:48 ◼   ► is you know not just a rainbow of [TS]

00:41:51 ◼   ► emotions but also like into the infrared [TS]

00:41:54 ◼   ► and x-ray up of emotion right I like I'm [TS]

00:42:00 ◼   ► seeing I'm seeing emotions in things [TS]

00:42:03 ◼   ► that do not have emotions and I'm having [TS]

00:42:05 ◼   ► an emotional response to things that do [TS]

00:42:06 ◼   ► not require one you have a promotional [TS]

00:42:09 ◼   ► response that maybe I say inappropriate [TS]

00:42:11 ◼   ► things out of out of line with what a [TS]

00:42:13 ◼   ► typical person we have about something [TS]

00:42:14 ◼   ► but and and and what that has always [TS]

00:42:17 ◼   ► what I've always imagined is that it is [TS]

00:42:19 ◼   ► that it's a kind of dimensional [TS]

00:42:21 ◼   ► perception or something i'm seeing [TS]

00:42:22 ◼   ► another overlay or not seen it's not a [TS]

00:42:25 ◼   ► seeing thing I am experiencing another [TS]

00:42:28 ◼   ► overlay almost like somebody somebody [TS]

00:42:30 ◼   ► who could imagine somebody who's like [TS]

00:42:31 ◼   ► see themselves as a medium or a psychic [TS]

00:42:33 ◼   ► like having no no you know honestly [TS]

00:42:35 ◼   ► somebody who feels like you know what I [TS]

00:42:37 ◼   ► knew this was gonna happen I i had a [TS]

00:42:39 ◼   ► strong vision of exactly what happened [TS]

00:42:41 ◼   ► before it happened [TS]

00:42:42 ◼   ► yeah right something you can see [TS]

00:42:43 ◼   ► something that other people don't see I [TS]

00:42:45 ◼   ► was at a party this weekend in somebody [TS]

00:42:47 ◼   ► we're talking ghost stories and [TS]

00:42:48 ◼   ► somebody's like to believe in ghosts [TS]

00:42:49 ◼   ► John and I was like well I do not [TS]

00:42:52 ◼   ► believe in ghosts however i have been [TS]

00:42:55 ◼   ► terrorized by ghosts and so in being [TS]

00:42:59 ◼   ► terrorized by them i absolutely believe [TS]

00:43:02 ◼   ► in them but i do not believe in them cut [TS]

00:43:04 ◼   ► it's so great and you know and they were [TS]

00:43:06 ◼   ► like what it would do what do you mean [TS]

00:43:08 ◼   ► and I was like well for instance i do [TS]

00:43:09 ◼   ► not believe in God and yet I do not know [TS]

00:43:11 ◼   ► whether or not i believe in god and so I [TS]

00:43:14 ◼   ► cannot say that i do not believe in God [TS]

00:43:16 ◼   ► but I don't believe in God but I do very [TS]

00:43:20 ◼   ► much believe in god I mean how much [TS]

00:43:22 ◼   ► clearer could I be and that is it's [TS]

00:43:28 ◼   ► perfectly consistent from within but uh [TS]

00:43:33 ◼   ► but like not only impossible to explain [TS]

00:43:37 ◼   ► but also like why would I bother [TS]

00:43:39 ◼   ► what was right what what am I trying to [TS]

00:43:41 ◼   ► communicate like it was sometimes I will [TS]

00:43:43 ◼   ► come downstairs [TS]

00:43:45 ◼   ► ashen faced because all my pillows turn [TS]

00:43:49 ◼   ► towels [TS]

00:43:50 ◼   ► it doesn't mean that i believe that my [TS]

00:43:52 ◼   ► that my or anyone elses pillows upturn [TS]

00:43:55 ◼   ► towel if you believed it would be more [TS]

00:43:56 ◼   ► plausible if that's the thing that's [TS]

00:43:58 ◼   ► what people aren't getting it's like [TS]

00:43:59 ◼   ► it's like that's the thing about reality [TS]

00:44:01 ◼   ► is it doesn't need you to believe in it [TS]

00:44:02 ◼   ► like if something if you know or feel [TS]

00:44:04 ◼   ► that something is happening [TS]

00:44:05 ◼   ► knowing that it's not real makes it [TS]

00:44:07 ◼   ► worse not better we're making the line [TS]

00:44:07 ◼   ► worse not better we're making the line [TS]

01:00:00 ◼   ► a feeling that's a kind of fearful well [TS]

01:00:02 ◼   ► kind of thing versus to like oh my god [TS]

01:00:05 ◼   ► vibrating feeling of like what is [TS]

01:00:09 ◼   ► happening all the time [TS]

01:00:10 ◼   ► yeah yeah what I mean what I didn't used [TS]

01:00:12 ◼   ► to feel it what I now feel is I wake up [TS]

01:00:15 ◼   ► in the morning and already I am I am [TS]

01:00:17 ◼   ► struggling to catch my breath and just [TS]

01:00:20 ◼   ► all day 1 i'm just like just struggling [TS]

01:00:23 ◼   ► to catch my breath like I have a little [TS]

01:00:26 ◼   ► like I have an i'm having a mild asthma [TS]

01:00:29 ◼   ► yeah and I never used to have that [TS]

01:00:32 ◼   ► feeling at all I mean justjust it was [TS]

01:00:35 ◼   ► basically it [TS]

01:00:36 ◼   ► it was the feeling that I had an hour [TS]

01:00:39 ◼   ► before I went on stage you know like not [TS]

01:00:42 ◼   ► just like butterflies in your stomach [TS]

01:00:43 ◼   ► kind of thing you have described this [TS]

01:00:44 ◼   ► before right that but it when somebody [TS]

01:00:47 ◼   ► says hey we want you to play a show i [TS]

01:00:48 ◼   ► always say great and then immediately [TS]

01:00:51 ◼   ► start to pretend that I didn't say that [TS]

01:00:54 ◼   ► and a month or two go by and they sent [TS]

01:00:58 ◼   ► me emails like that shows coming up and [TS]

01:00:59 ◼   ► I'm like I just like delete but as the [TS]

01:01:03 ◼   ► show starts to loom i start to wish that [TS]

01:01:07 ◼   ► I had not agreed to do it even if I know [TS]

01:01:09 ◼   ► it's gonna be a great show [TS]

01:01:11 ◼   ► even if it's like the beginning of a [TS]

01:01:12 ◼   ► tour I start to think like why did I say [TS]

01:01:14 ◼   ► that I would think this and as the show [TS]

01:01:16 ◼   ► gets closer I start to feel like I [TS]

01:01:18 ◼   ► really hope that there's a storm and I [TS]

01:01:22 ◼   ► hope there's a storm and the show's [TS]

01:01:23 ◼   ► canceled [TS]

01:01:24 ◼   ► I telling you that feeling yeah and then [TS]

01:01:26 ◼   ► the night of the show [TS]

01:01:27 ◼   ► I'm like what if the wheel came off of [TS]

01:01:29 ◼   ► my car and I had a mild accident where [TS]

01:01:31 ◼   ► no one was hurt but enough of an [TS]

01:01:34 ◼   ► accident that I had a plausible reason [TS]

01:01:37 ◼   ► for naught but a lot of people think [TS]

01:01:39 ◼   ► that's like Dylan's motorcycle accident [TS]

01:01:41 ◼   ► was he just like laid down and said [TS]

01:01:43 ◼   ► sorry [TS]

01:01:44 ◼   ► oh yeah I me now we're back to 80 women [TS]

01:01:46 ◼   ► and dylanologists but a lot of people [TS]

01:01:48 ◼   ► think that like he was he really had [TS]

01:01:51 ◼   ► just kind of reached the end of it and [TS]

01:01:53 ◼   ► that he you know kinda took a dive and [TS]

01:01:56 ◼   ► was not hurt nearly as bad but like just [TS]

01:01:58 ◼   ► needed that time to like just not have [TS]

01:02:00 ◼   ► to deal [TS]

01:02:01 ◼   ► yeah I have no I have no doubt about it [TS]

01:02:03 ◼   ► and I've told you about right the one [TS]

01:02:05 ◼   ► time that that did happen when I I'd put [TS]

01:02:07 ◼   ► together a show with david bazan and [TS]

01:02:09 ◼   ► Kathleen Edwards [TS]

01:02:10 ◼   ► and my friend Laura my radkin and we had [TS]

01:02:13 ◼   ► booked the triple door in Seattle and [TS]

01:02:15 ◼   ► we'd all learned each other songs and we [TS]

01:02:18 ◼   ► were going to get up on stage and we're [TS]

01:02:20 ◼   ► gonna play for of Kathleen's all I saw [TS]

01:02:23 ◼   ► the videos that we've got something in [TS]

01:02:24 ◼   ► the video you guys rehearsing [TS]

01:02:25 ◼   ► yes my god that was exquisite so that [TS]

01:02:28 ◼   ► was so so we had this we have this show [TS]

01:02:31 ◼   ► that we had worked out and it was all [TS]

01:02:35 ◼   ► just this imagination of like what if [TS]

01:02:37 ◼   ► Dave and Kathleen and I and Laura all [TS]

01:02:40 ◼   ► just were a band and we did four five [TS]

01:02:44 ◼   ► songs of each other students and and and [TS]

01:02:46 ◼   ► it was a crazy idea but once we got in [TS]

01:02:48 ◼   ► the room there was real energy and we [TS]

01:02:52 ◼   ► and the song sounded incredible that way [TS]

01:02:54 ◼   ► and we went we were it was a summer [TS]

01:02:57 ◼   ► weekend that we were sitting in my house [TS]

01:03:00 ◼   ► but the windows open and the doors open [TS]

01:03:03 ◼   ► just playing our music and it was one of [TS]

01:03:06 ◼   ► those sort of pure musician experiences [TS]

01:03:08 ◼   ► where it's just like I just I don't want [TS]

01:03:10 ◼   ► this to end I mean this is hard it's [TS]

01:03:12 ◼   ► hard to learn this music but like it's [TS]

01:03:15 ◼   ► the best kind of hard and then we went [TS]

01:03:17 ◼   ► down to the triple door there was a line [TS]

01:03:20 ◼   ► of people out the door to see the show [TS]

01:03:22 ◼   ► we were Hearst on stage we ran through [TS]

01:03:25 ◼   ► four five songs it was like and they [TS]

01:03:27 ◼   ► sounded incredible and this was exactly [TS]

01:03:29 ◼   ► the room for it and we were just looking [TS]

01:03:32 ◼   ► at each other like it's going to be a [TS]

01:03:34 ◼   ► magical night this is already a magic [TS]

01:03:36 ◼   ► night and then it started to rain in the [TS]

01:03:40 ◼   ► theater and we're standing on stage [TS]

01:03:43 ◼   ► we're playing like we're playing our [TS]

01:03:46 ◼   ► song still we're in the middle of a song [TS]

01:03:48 ◼   ► and throughout the theater it's just [TS]

01:03:52 ◼   ► rain and not a light rain like storm [TS]

01:03:56 ◼   ► rain and we're where we continue the [TS]

01:04:00 ◼   ► song and we're all looking out at the [TS]

01:04:03 ◼   ► seats as they get drenched and it's so [TS]

01:04:08 ◼   ► surreal that like we don't stop we don't [TS]

01:04:12 ◼   ► stop playing and all of a sudden like [TS]

01:04:14 ◼   ► the staff of the restaurant is screaming [TS]

01:04:17 ◼   ► and running around and and we're still [TS]

01:04:19 ◼   ► playing and thinking like [TS]

01:04:24 ◼   ► this is weird and we get to the end of [TS]

01:04:27 ◼   ► the tune and we stare out at the at the [TS]

01:04:31 ◼   ► theater which is now a scene of complete [TS]

01:04:34 ◼   ► devastation and i'm standing on stage [TS]

01:04:39 ◼   ► still thinking like well we better get [TS]

01:04:42 ◼   ► this cleaned up and there's like four [TS]

01:04:44 ◼   ► inches of water on everything and it [TS]

01:04:48 ◼   ► dawns on us suddenly that like it's over [TS]

01:04:52 ◼   ► what what happened was the restaurant [TS]

01:04:54 ◼   ► upstairs [TS]

01:04:55 ◼   ► somehow the drain had plugged and all of [TS]

01:05:00 ◼   ► the drainage water from a night of from [TS]

01:05:05 ◼   ► a from a big dinner service all of the [TS]

01:05:07 ◼   ► greywater uh from the dishwasher in the [TS]

01:05:10 ◼   ► kitchen had pooled in the floor but you [TS]

01:05:18 ◼   ► know underneath their floor but above [TS]

01:05:19 ◼   ► our ceiling until it was God eight [TS]

01:05:23 ◼   ► inches of dirty water and then it just [TS]

01:05:25 ◼   ► all at once just fell just soaked [TS]

01:05:31 ◼   ► through the soaked through the material [TS]

01:05:33 ◼   ► of the ceiling and then just storm it [TS]

01:05:38 ◼   ► was surreal and it came down not as [TS]

01:05:40 ◼   ► falling ceiling but as rain dirty rain [TS]

01:05:45 ◼   ► and and we were we were playing the last [TS]

01:05:50 ◼   ► song before doors were opening right if [TS]

01:05:53 ◼   ► that had if it had taken a half an hour [TS]

01:05:55 ◼   ► longer that dirty rain would have fallen [TS]

01:05:57 ◼   ► on a on a full house and the end of the [TS]

01:06:01 ◼   ► line of the crowd down the street and [TS]

01:06:03 ◼   ► what had happened was I had probably two [TS]

01:06:06 ◼   ► hours before would have been so glad if [TS]

01:06:10 ◼   ► to to imagine that happening right [TS]

01:06:15 ◼   ► because of that pre-show anxiety but I [TS]

01:06:18 ◼   ► had crossed the threshold and was into [TS]

01:06:21 ◼   ► the show like doors are doors are in [TS]

01:06:24 ◼   ► five and all of us onstage had crossed [TS]

01:06:27 ◼   ► that threshold we were we were over the [TS]

01:06:30 ◼   ► hump and were in show mode and it was so [TS]

01:06:34 ◼   ► incredible the experience of [TS]

01:06:36 ◼   ► that show being canceled right in front [TS]

01:06:38 ◼   ► of us and we had all put our energy on [TS]

01:06:42 ◼   ► the table and I'd never had that [TS]

01:06:47 ◼   ► experience before where the energy was [TS]

01:06:49 ◼   ► out it was on the table and it was ready [TS]

01:06:52 ◼   ► to go and then there was no where to put [TS]

01:06:54 ◼   ► it and we none of us had had that [TS]

01:06:58 ◼   ► experience before and we were we were [TS]

01:07:00 ◼   ► sitting backstage in a complete days [TS]

01:07:02 ◼   ► like our our whole show energy was out [TS]

01:07:06 ◼   ► of us but had not gone anywhere and was [TS]

01:07:10 ◼   ► not being reciprocated or you know there [TS]

01:07:12 ◼   ► was nowhere for it to go to live and it [TS]

01:07:16 ◼   ► it was seriously like like we had [TS]

01:07:18 ◼   ► survived like we'd all been struck by [TS]

01:07:20 ◼   ► lightning and their what it was we were [TS]

01:07:26 ◼   ► nervous could talk it was it was very [TS]

01:07:29 ◼   ► confusing our feelings were outside of [TS]

01:07:33 ◼   ► our body already [TS]

01:07:34 ◼   ► and so the next day somebody who had [TS]

01:07:37 ◼   ► been it who had one of the people who [TS]

01:07:40 ◼   ► had had meant to come to the show [TS]

01:07:41 ◼   ► contacted us and said hey I'm one of the [TS]

01:07:44 ◼   ► directors of the woodland park zoo would [TS]

01:07:46 ◼   ► you guys like to come feed the giraffes [TS]

01:07:47 ◼   ► and we were like yes we would [TS]

01:07:52 ◼   ► and so all of us together went to the [TS]

01:07:54 ◼   ► zoo and spent a couple of hours inside [TS]

01:07:58 ◼   ► the giraffe enclosure just hand-feeding [TS]

01:08:00 ◼   ► giraffes and it was a it was a brilliant [TS]

01:08:04 ◼   ► insight that this person at the zoo [TS]

01:08:08 ◼   ► somehow recognized either saw or just or [TS]

01:08:13 ◼   ► or we just got lucky or God was watching [TS]

01:08:16 ◼   ► out or something but somehow going and [TS]

01:08:19 ◼   ► having this singular experience [TS]

01:08:20 ◼   ► hand-feeding giraffes for a couple of [TS]

01:08:23 ◼   ► hours [TS]

01:08:23 ◼   ► was it allowed us to collect all that [TS]

01:08:26 ◼   ► emotion back and you know that and feel [TS]

01:08:31 ◼   ► like it had been used or or it's very [TS]

01:08:35 ◼   ► hard to explain but what I mean for a [TS]

01:08:38 ◼   ► month afterward I think we all just sort [TS]

01:08:40 ◼   ► of walked around in a in a very strange [TS]

01:08:42 ◼   ► state not an unpleasant one but like a [TS]

01:08:46 ◼   ► singular one where you're where you're [TS]

01:08:48 ◼   ► ready your ear [TS]

01:08:49 ◼   ► off your actually on stage ready to go [TS]

01:08:51 ◼   ► and and the show is cancelled my [TS]

01:08:56 ◼   ► emotions are real emotions are real [TS]

01:08:59 ◼   ► holy shit that must have been so strange [TS]

01:09:04 ◼   ► yeah I still you know you can hear it [TS]

01:09:07 ◼   ► just been describing it that I go back [TS]

01:09:09 ◼   ► into a place of like profound confusion [TS]

01:09:14 ◼   ► about what the Iran I'm like I'm feeling [TS]

01:09:17 ◼   ► it again remember that feeling just like [TS]

01:09:19 ◼   ► what does one do with what does one do [TS]

01:09:23 ◼   ► when there is no climax and so you have [TS]

01:09:28 ◼   ► the energy and maybe i'm repeating what [TS]

01:09:30 ◼   ► you said but it's almost like there was [TS]

01:09:31 ◼   ► no different receptors there's no [TS]

01:09:33 ◼   ► receptacles right energy just it didn't [TS]

01:09:35 ◼   ► exactly dissipate but like where did it [TS]

01:09:37 ◼   ► go because it was kind of still didn't [TS]

01:09:40 ◼   ► really you know it's you just extend of [TS]

01:09:43 ◼   ► real emotion you load up the torpedo [TS]

01:09:46 ◼   ► tubes and then you know nothing you [TS]

01:09:51 ◼   ► surface and go back home and it's just [TS]

01:09:53 ◼   ► like whoa whoa that's it there's a lot [TS]

01:09:57 ◼   ► of danger [TS]

01:09:58 ◼   ► it feels very dangerous to be like [TS]

01:10:01 ◼   ► sailing into port with with full torpedo [TS]

01:10:04 ◼   ► tubes right [TS]

01:10:07 ◼   ► yes I'm sorry this is this is so such a [TS]

01:10:10 ◼   ► wonderful topic and i get i'm hearing [TS]

01:10:12 ◼   ► dick jokes in my head haha alright but [TS]

01:10:15 ◼   ► so as far as now today [TS]

01:10:18 ◼   ► yeah are you can you can you and do you [TS]

01:10:24 ◼   ► choose to locate what this with any [TS]

01:10:28 ◼   ► specificity with those emotions are when [TS]

01:10:30 ◼   ► you walk out from talking to [TS]

01:10:30 ◼   ► firefighters and you feel like a boy [TS]

01:10:32 ◼   ► something's going on like it is it [TS]

01:10:35 ◼   ► are you aware of like how that evidence [TS]

01:10:37 ◼   ► is in your feelings thoughts and and [TS]

01:10:39 ◼   ► maybe even physicality are but can you [TS]

01:10:41 ◼   ► locate what it is that you've that's [TS]

01:10:43 ◼   ► making you feel that way what that [TS]

01:10:44 ◼   ► feeling is one this is the thing that [TS]

01:10:46 ◼   ► this ultimately is is the actual [TS]

01:10:49 ◼   ► learning experience of this of this [TS]

01:10:53 ◼   ► undertaking the thing i have to learn is [TS]

01:10:56 ◼   ► not what this you know what the state [TS]

01:11:01 ◼   ► policy [TS]

01:11:03 ◼   ► is on red control right because that is [TS]

01:11:06 ◼   ► just interesting and easy to learn and [TS]

01:11:10 ◼   ► not emotional [TS]

01:11:12 ◼   ► that is just policy but the thing i have [TS]

01:11:15 ◼   ► to learn is what is going on and what is [TS]

01:11:20 ◼   ► going on inside me and how can I turn [TS]

01:11:23 ◼   ► that energy to be more useful to people [TS]

01:11:27 ◼   ► and less you know like my anxiousness [TS]

01:11:31 ◼   ► and my my anxiousness is a sign that i [TS]

01:11:34 ◼   ► really think that this is important [TS]

01:11:36 ◼   ► absolutely and that if you don't think [TS]

01:11:38 ◼   ► about like stage fright or whatever you [TS]

01:11:39 ◼   ► want to call it right there are those [TS]

01:11:40 ◼   ► butterflies like you and I think we've [TS]

01:11:42 ◼   ► talked about this but like if you didn't [TS]

01:11:43 ◼   ► feel anything before you went onstage [TS]

01:11:44 ◼   ► for two years like that should tell you [TS]

01:11:47 ◼   ► something you're not challenging [TS]

01:11:48 ◼   ► yourself or you stop caring you know [TS]

01:11:50 ◼   ► right but how do i turn that energy so [TS]

01:11:53 ◼   ► that I am a more effective public [TS]

01:11:55 ◼   ► servant so that I am somebody who is [TS]

01:11:58 ◼   ► more useful to people as an agent of of [TS]

01:12:04 ◼   ► getting things happening and and and [TS]

01:12:08 ◼   ► making good policy right and not get it [TS]

01:12:13 ◼   ► it isn't about my comfort in and of [TS]

01:12:18 ◼   ► itself it is about like my discomfort as [TS]

01:12:21 ◼   ► another as another lever and and so i'm [TS]

01:12:30 ◼   ► i'm very aware of it and and and I [TS]

01:12:33 ◼   ► realized like when up when I am asked to [TS]

01:12:37 ◼   ► write policy about things that I feel [TS]

01:12:43 ◼   ► like our out of my out of my world of [TS]

01:12:48 ◼   ► interest [TS]

01:12:52 ◼   ► I i don't really support me i don't [TS]

01:12:55 ◼   ► really have a I don't have an emotional [TS]

01:12:58 ◼   ► block about like reading about stuff i [TS]

01:13:00 ◼   ► don't understand asking people who know [TS]

01:13:03 ◼   ► better about stuff [TS]

01:13:05 ◼   ► who can explain what i don't understand [TS]

01:13:07 ◼   ► to me like that stuff is just that's [TS]

01:13:09 ◼   ► just exciting and something that says [TS]

01:13:12 ◼   ► you say that he feels like that's the [TS]

01:13:13 ◼   ► work that's the work that part that part [TS]

01:13:15 ◼   ► is is not that ambiguous it's there's a [TS]

01:13:17 ◼   ► thing over here that has to be dealt [TS]

01:13:19 ◼   ► with and then when you're done dealing [TS]

01:13:21 ◼   ► with it there's other things to deal [TS]

01:13:22 ◼   ► with [TS]

01:13:22 ◼   ► I think it's much more to do with the [TS]

01:13:25 ◼   ► fact that i am a person who it you know [TS]

01:13:31 ◼   ► i am i am a personality characterized by [TS]

01:13:33 ◼   ► self-doubt and a certain amount of it is [TS]

01:13:36 ◼   ► healthy self doubt and a certain amount [TS]

01:13:38 ◼   ► of it is unhealthy self-doubt and I [TS]

01:13:40 ◼   ► almost always trying to move the needle [TS]

01:13:42 ◼   ► back to healthy self down right um but I [TS]

01:13:46 ◼   ► am in a world where where you the [TS]

01:13:50 ◼   ► expectation is that you express no [TS]

01:13:52 ◼   ► self-doubt and right and the other [TS]

01:13:57 ◼   ► candidates do not show very much self [TS]

01:14:00 ◼   ► down i happen to know that the other [TS]

01:14:03 ◼   ► people in my race hat do have [TS]

01:14:04 ◼   ► considerable self-doubt they are human [TS]

01:14:07 ◼   ► beings and I and I like them and there [TS]

01:14:09 ◼   ► are there you know all three of the guys [TS]

01:14:11 ◼   ► I'm running against do have like [TS]

01:14:14 ◼   ► emotional lives but when I walk into the [TS]

01:14:19 ◼   ► firefighters union this afternoon and [TS]

01:14:22 ◼   ► they start talking to me about their [TS]

01:14:24 ◼   ► pensions and I start answering questions [TS]

01:14:27 ◼   ► about you know my feelings about the [TS]

01:14:29 ◼   ► firefighters pensions and how important [TS]

01:14:31 ◼   ► those are that there is no room in that [TS]

01:14:36 ◼   ► conversation for me for my self-doubt [TS]

01:14:39 ◼   ► because they don't have time for it you [TS]

01:14:42 ◼   ► know they just want to hear whether or [TS]

01:14:45 ◼   ► not i support their position and so [TS]

01:14:49 ◼   ► being in in those were in those rooms [TS]

01:14:51 ◼   ► because as a as a musician and as an [TS]

01:14:54 ◼   ► artist and as somebody who was living in [TS]

01:14:56 ◼   ► the world that I had made for myself I [TS]

01:14:58 ◼   ► brought that self-doubt with me [TS]

01:15:00 ◼   ► everywhere and I used it as a [TS]

01:15:02 ◼   ► there if I were if I was in a [TS]

01:15:04 ◼   ► conversation with somebody and they had [TS]

01:15:05 ◼   ► no room for myself down I left that [TS]

01:15:08 ◼   ► conversation and said you are a monster [TS]

01:15:12 ◼   ► I'm not you know I'm not here to I'm not [TS]

01:15:16 ◼   ► here to perform for you done to yourself [TS]

01:15:17 ◼   ► down i mean i think it's slightly [TS]

01:15:19 ◼   ► different than the well stroll but i [TS]

01:15:20 ◼   ► think the self-doubt can be a companion [TS]

01:15:22 ◼   ► in some ways it keeps you keep the kind [TS]

01:15:24 ◼   ► of honest it jumps you it keeps you [TS]

01:15:26 ◼   ► practical in some cases and maybe [TS]

01:15:29 ◼   ► something that doesn't help you every [TS]

01:15:30 ◼   ► single time I mean that becomes like a [TS]

01:15:33 ◼   ► companion in some ways that an easy [TS]

01:15:35 ◼   ► companion but I I don't think that's a [TS]

01:15:37 ◼   ► horrible thing but it's more it's more [TS]

01:15:40 ◼   ► it's more effective than normal when [TS]

01:15:43 ◼   ► you're walking around being a musician [TS]

01:15:44 ◼   ► mhm well and the thing is i can [TS]

01:15:46 ◼   ► introduce that little friend of people [TS]

01:15:48 ◼   ► at the firefighters union yeah I and [TS]

01:15:50 ◼   ► that thing is I can't live without it [TS]

01:15:51 ◼   ► that it that is a that is one of a part [TS]

01:15:54 ◼   ► of my character and it will I think make [TS]

01:15:56 ◼   ► me a better public servant but I'm being [TS]

01:16:00 ◼   ► asked to perform in a circus where that [TS]

01:16:07 ◼   ► is not one of the that's not what people [TS]

01:16:09 ◼   ► paid the ticket price for right you [TS]

01:16:14 ◼   ► don't you don't sit in front of the in [TS]

01:16:16 ◼   ► front of a an executive board and say [TS]

01:16:20 ◼   ► you know that question has played me and [TS]

01:16:24 ◼   ► not because I worry about your pensions [TS]

01:16:27 ◼   ► but more because pensions are emblematic [TS]

01:16:30 ◼   ► of a of a deeper question of that the [TS]

01:16:35 ◼   ► role that the state plays and providing [TS]

01:16:37 ◼   ► for you know and that's just their [TS]

01:16:38 ◼   ► already like King right there looking [TS]

01:16:41 ◼   ► for their bail [TS]

01:16:42 ◼   ► they're like that's not where we don't [TS]

01:16:44 ◼   ► you know we this what we didn't sign up [TS]

01:16:46 ◼   ► for a class we signed up for a 30-minute [TS]

01:16:51 ◼   ► interview with you where you tell us [TS]

01:16:53 ◼   ► either what we want to hear or you couch [TS]

01:16:56 ◼   ► or give us an idea what we have to fight [TS]

01:16:59 ◼   ► oh yeah that's right and I've described [TS]

01:17:01 ◼   ► this to you before right that I've heard [TS]

01:17:03 ◼   ► from several people like people come up [TS]

01:17:06 ◼   ► to me and say I don't like your opponent [TS]

01:17:08 ◼   ► but I know where he stands and the fact [TS]

01:17:12 ◼   ► that I know where he stands allows me to [TS]

01:17:14 ◼   ► make plan [TS]

01:17:15 ◼   ► and i have a 40 million dollar hole in [TS]

01:17:18 ◼   ► the ground downtown that I'm two days [TS]

01:17:20 ◼   ► away from pouring concrete into and the [TS]

01:17:24 ◼   ► fact that your opponent is either for or [TS]

01:17:26 ◼   ► against it is less important to me than [TS]

01:17:29 ◼   ► that I know exactly what he's going to [TS]

01:17:31 ◼   ► do and so although i don't like him and [TS]

01:17:35 ◼   ► I might like you [TS]

01:17:37 ◼   ► the fact that I don't know what you're [TS]

01:17:38 ◼   ► going to do is scarier to me then that I [TS]

01:17:41 ◼   ► do know that he is against me and it's [TS]

01:17:44 ◼   ► incredibly fascinating and I just go [TS]

01:17:46 ◼   ► because from you know from where I stand [TS]

01:17:49 ◼   ► like the first time somebody said that [TS]

01:17:51 ◼   ► to me I was like that they said you know [TS]

01:17:53 ◼   ► it's really kind of scary to us that we [TS]

01:17:55 ◼   ► don't know what you're going to do and I [TS]

01:17:56 ◼   ► was like I know right [TS]

01:17:58 ◼   ► isn't that great you're the agent of [TS]

01:18:01 ◼   ► chaos and they're like it is not at all [TS]

01:18:03 ◼   ► great and I'm like but but you mean you [TS]

01:18:06 ◼   ► have a sense that i'm going to support [TS]

01:18:07 ◼   ► you know like it was an environmental [TS]

01:18:10 ◼   ► group talking to me and I was like you [TS]

01:18:11 ◼   ► have a sense that i am like 1,000% an [TS]

01:18:14 ◼   ► environmentalist and they're like what [TS]

01:18:16 ◼   ► we do have a sense of it and we also [TS]

01:18:19 ◼   ► know the not sure who you gonna deliver [TS]

01:18:21 ◼   ► the built-in how yeah they're like we're [TS]

01:18:24 ◼   ► very excited about it but your opponent [TS]

01:18:26 ◼   ► has been a reliable and like gray [TS]

01:18:30 ◼   ► colored vote on behalf of the basic [TS]

01:18:33 ◼   ► environmental package he's he doesn't is [TS]

01:18:38 ◼   ► not inspiring but he is reliable and I'm [TS]

01:18:43 ◼   ► like but I mean don't you want inspiring [TS]

01:18:45 ◼   ► and they're like well what we want is [TS]

01:18:47 ◼   ► reliably inspiring and I was and and you [TS]

01:18:51 ◼   ► know and facing that and being when well [TS]

01:18:54 ◼   ► reliably inspiring that's like you're [TS]

01:18:56 ◼   ► talking about lawful good they described [TS]

01:18:59 ◼   ► it the hole in the ground situation you [TS]

01:19:01 ◼   ► describe this before but i really get [TS]

01:19:03 ◼   ► get it now I get it sits in a way you [TS]

01:19:06 ◼   ► know it reminds you of this is kind of [TS]

01:19:07 ◼   ► obscure but it's almost like finding out [TS]

01:19:10 ◼   ► what judge you've been assigned like [TS]

01:19:12 ◼   ► when you're when you're on one side of [TS]

01:19:13 ◼   ► the of the of the case or another [TS]

01:19:15 ◼   ► like when you find out what judge has [TS]

01:19:17 ◼   ► been assigned to your case and there may [TS]

01:19:18 ◼   ► be some judges that are way more [TS]

01:19:20 ◼   ► favorable to your particular point of [TS]

01:19:22 ◼   ► view than others but like once you find [TS]

01:19:23 ◼   ► out the judges you have to craft a [TS]

01:19:25 ◼   ► certain kind [TS]

01:19:26 ◼   ► of offense or defense depending on who [TS]

01:19:28 ◼   ► that person is right so even if it's the [TS]

01:19:30 ◼   ► hanging judge and you're the defense at [TS]

01:19:33 ◼   ► least now you you it's a noble thing is [TS]

01:19:36 ◼   ► like it seems like i may not be [TS]

01:19:38 ◼   ► preferable but an officer's even the [TS]

01:19:40 ◼   ► rain analogy but like it's you know you [TS]

01:19:41 ◼   ► wouldn't want some some new cat coming [TS]

01:19:43 ◼   ► in there who's like a real freethinker [TS]

01:19:45 ◼   ► you'd be like well i know i need to know [TS]

01:19:47 ◼   ► like how much just got a case going to [TS]

01:19:48 ◼   ► cost to defend like who do I have to [TS]

01:19:50 ◼   ► bring it is that where expert witnesses [TS]

01:19:52 ◼   ► look let me look at your track record [TS]

01:19:53 ◼   ► and see how you tend to adjudicate these [TS]

01:19:55 ◼   ► things given certain conditions right [TS]

01:19:58 ◼   ► that's much more desirable than going [TS]

01:19:59 ◼   ► like here somebody who really believes [TS]

01:20:01 ◼   ► in justice like okay great thank ya like [TS]

01:20:03 ◼   ► what is this great one that's and the [TS]

01:20:05 ◼   ► thing about a city council from the [TS]

01:20:06 ◼   ► perspective of all these groups is what [TS]

01:20:11 ◼   ► they're looking for is five out of nine [TS]

01:20:13 ◼   ► votes [TS]

01:20:15 ◼   ► they're not you know they did a the the [TS]

01:20:19 ◼   ► vast majority of these groups do not [TS]

01:20:20 ◼   ► look at individual council people in as [TS]

01:20:28 ◼   ► much as they look at where that [TS]

01:20:29 ◼   ► individual council person is going to [TS]

01:20:31 ◼   ► fall in a in a split decision and so [TS]