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Roderick on the Line

Ep. 176: "The Opossum Had Distracted Me"

 

00:00:00   this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

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00:00:15   [Music] [TS]

00:00:20   hello hi John [TS]

00:00:24   hi m-my Merlin who was going good I just [TS]

00:00:31   feel like you know that's how I feel [TS]

00:00:36   uh-huh answer it's a rainy morning in [TS]

00:00:39   seattle that the fall winter fall is [TS]

00:00:41   finally arrived winter fall that was my [TS]

00:00:45   favorite james bond movie actually no [TS]

00:00:48   that was the shittiest we will meet [TS]

00:00:52   again at wynn chavo Papa butter banana [TS]

00:01:01   yeah so it's good yeah things are great [TS]

00:01:03   i mean it's busy morning but things are [TS]

00:01:04   going yeah yeah you are you running [TS]

00:01:06   around a lot [TS]

00:01:07   yeah you know I got a lot of lot of [TS]

00:01:09   things to do uh-huh that's not my name [TS]

00:01:11   is a lot outside what have you know i'm [TS]

00:01:13   busy guy [TS]

00:01:14   yeah you are busy guy and I got my keys [TS]

00:01:16   right here you want here [TS]

00:01:17   she's Louise that's a lot of keys see [TS]

00:01:19   what I'm Sam I'm not a one key guy [TS]

00:01:21   anymore [TS]

00:01:22   oh yeah really yeah no I got all these [TS]

00:01:24   keys [TS]

00:01:27   how many of those do you use in a given [TS]

00:01:29   week I use them all use every one of [TS]

00:01:30   them look at them there they aren't your [TS]

00:01:32   boat you got your other boat [TS]

00:01:33   uh-huh it's red I got my this one's to [TS]

00:01:36   the propane this one's to the lock on [TS]

00:01:38   the on the tool shed [TS]

00:01:41   yeah hmm i think you and start to own [TS]

00:01:46   you know that's right [TS]

00:01:48   that is right you know the what these [TS]

00:01:49   are analog eels I'll God tell me about [TS]

00:01:53   it [TS]

00:01:53   yeah how about yourself how are you you [TS]

00:01:57   seem relaxed i'm alright alright um yeah [TS]

00:02:01   I anything to improve my quality of [TS]

00:02:02   sleep [TS]

00:02:03   that's you know that's an ongoing thing [TS]

00:02:05   I don't know I don't know if I'll ever [TS]

00:02:07   have good sleep again [TS]

00:02:08   really now you know what it's not [TS]

00:02:10   anything to talk about it's just that I [TS]

00:02:12   think you know what it is [TS]

00:02:14   I i heard a thing on an old episode of [TS]

00:02:17   this american life today about people [TS]

00:02:19   who thought their house is haunted but [TS]

00:02:20   it was actually carbon monoxide [TS]

00:02:22   poisoning of 100 and now I spent the [TS]

00:02:24   whole morning thinking about this [TS]

00:02:26   because according to this this expert [TS]

00:02:28   person they talked to many of the things [TS]

00:02:29   that people talk about when we talk [TS]

00:02:31   about creepy scary haunting things [TS]

00:02:33   are attributable to low-level carbon [TS]

00:02:35   monoxide poisoning and I've had this [TS]

00:02:38   suspicion im mean as you know I'm not a [TS]

00:02:39   lunatic [TS]

00:02:40   no no but I am a theorist and I have my [TS]

00:02:43   records and I've been wanting for a [TS]

00:02:45   while if there are is some part of my [TS]

00:02:47   house that might be harming me I don't [TS]

00:02:51   think it's a ghost but it's old and it [TS]

00:02:53   has not been extremely well maintained [TS]

00:02:56   and carbon monoxide is right in my [TS]

00:02:57   wheelhouse [TS]

00:02:58   yeah I know that that's true i mean you [TS]

00:03:00   are first of all let's just say a [TS]

00:03:04   ceramicist who and an anthropologist [TS]

00:03:09   sure sure i'ma i'm a lover a father a [TS]

00:03:14   thinker and a person that's right but I [TS]

00:03:18   and also not a person who is insensitive [TS]

00:03:22   to environmental climactic change and [TS]

00:03:26   also haunting and also monoxide I'm [TS]

00:03:30   trying to keep my I keep my eyes open [TS]

00:03:32   keep my ears open and keep my mind open [TS]

00:03:34   if I may say you know I don't shut all [TS]

00:03:36   the doors to my mind here's the thing [TS]

00:03:38   that carbon monoxide does it start [TS]

00:03:40   shutting doors in your mind oh it's not [TS]

00:03:42   a terrible thing it's like the toxic [TS]

00:03:43   plasmosis [TS]

00:03:44   the call is coming from inside no oh my [TS]

00:03:46   god you know I we recently had a couple [TS]

00:03:49   of cat deaths in our extended family i'm [TS]

00:03:51   sorry well don't apologize to me because [TS]

00:03:54   I thought though that they were both [TS]

00:03:56   fairly unredeemable cats and one of them [TS]

00:04:02   in particular people like to talk about [TS]

00:04:04   this John but it's true there some cats [TS]

00:04:05   are assholes hold one of them so one of [TS]

00:04:08   them was just a troubled cat and I feel [TS]

00:04:12   like she's going to a better place one [TS]

00:04:14   of them was a the devil cat and I made [TS]

00:04:21   so these cats used to live fairly close [TS]

00:04:23   to me [TS]

00:04:24   not today we're not my cats but they [TS]

00:04:27   were close enough close enough that we [TS]

00:04:30   that we had to come to an arrangement [TS]

00:04:33   and then it was the toxoplasmosis when [TS]

00:04:38   my baby was it was she has yet to arrive [TS]

00:04:40   on the scene but she was in transit you [TS]

00:04:43   get a lot of warnings about this these [TS]

00:04:44   days [TS]

00:04:45   and I was like listen whether [TS]

00:04:47   toxoplasmosis is real or not this is the [TS]

00:04:49   excuse I need to send these cats to go [TS]

00:04:52   live on a farm [TS]

00:04:53   nice and there was no arguing about it [TS]

00:04:56   because i had a piece of paper that had [TS]

00:04:57   a long word on it uh-huh was like I [TS]

00:05:00   don't even what the real reason with [TS]

00:05:01   these cats to go is that they are [TS]

00:05:03   spiritually bankrupt you know any that [TS]

00:05:06   but but that is harder to prove [TS]

00:05:08   yeah that doesn't have the same kind of [TS]

00:05:10   15 a man doesn't have a Greek name [TS]

00:05:12   yeah that's right or or or you know [TS]

00:05:14   potential harm to your innocent baby who [TS]

00:05:17   can say anything against that and mind [TS]

00:05:20   control cat shit fog and the cats that [TS]

00:05:23   thing is as much as cats can be [TS]

00:05:25   delivered assholes [TS]

00:05:26   I don't think that they know that [TS]

00:05:28   they're making you crazy i think that's [TS]

00:05:30   that's how it works [TS]

00:05:31   it's a it's a symbiosis it's a host [TS]

00:05:33   organism scenario [TS]

00:05:36   yeah but you know you open to many doors [TS]

00:05:38   and a lot of wind comes in [TS]

00:05:39   so you know you start thinking about [TS]

00:05:40   these things you start thinking about [TS]

00:05:41   the toxoplasmosis are you start thinking [TS]

00:05:43   about we do not currently have a carbon [TS]

00:05:45   monoxide dingus in our house you know [TS]

00:05:48   those are easy to find an easy to buy [TS]

00:05:49   yeah well we tested our art our tub for [TS]

00:05:52   LED one time and we're not doing that [TS]

00:05:53   again it was like you know continued on [TS]

00:05:58   next walgreens test stop so bad honey [TS]

00:06:02   please don't drink the bathwater there's [TS]

00:06:03   so many reasons not to drink the [TS]

00:06:05   bathwater no walgreens give us the strip [TS]

00:06:08   I don't know you know i am like you know [TS]

00:06:11   I've been turning the thought technology [TS]

00:06:12   I've been turning over in my head that's [TS]

00:06:14   not particularly novel but I don't know [TS]

00:06:17   I've been thinking about how whenever [TS]

00:06:19   something shocking comes along or [TS]

00:06:22   something something that shocked the [TS]

00:06:23   sensibility shocks our credulity or it [TS]

00:06:26   seems it's something that just seems so [TS]

00:06:28   wrong and so bananas but in time starts [TS]

00:06:32   seeming less bananas [TS]

00:06:33   I don't know it just makes me think that [TS]

00:06:35   I want to start being less shocked my [TS]

00:06:39   things that happen in the world not like [TS]

00:06:40   atrocities or something but like you [TS]

00:06:42   know I'm just realizing that you know it [TS]

00:06:45   you think alike i like to shop or a you [TS]

00:06:47   know rite of spring or something like [TS]

00:06:49   that [TS]

00:06:50   they're these things that come along [TS]

00:06:50   that you know cause riots and and medium [TS]

00:06:53   posts and you know i guess i'm just [TS]

00:06:55   starting to finally at [TS]

00:06:58   at my advancing age realized that [TS]

00:07:00   everything new is shocking and like you [TS]

00:07:03   should give it some time before you just [TS]

00:07:05   throw it out [TS]

00:07:05   sure jurisdiction was shocking didn't [TS]

00:07:08   they told us all along is right there [TS]

00:07:10   right on the 10 [TS]

00:07:11   nothing's shocking literally that's true [TS]

00:07:13   so how do you people thinking about you [TS]

00:07:17   feel like the US government is complicit [TS]

00:07:20   in the South American drug trade [TS]

00:07:22   um I don't know enough to say whenever [TS]

00:07:27   it comes to anything conspiratorial I [TS]

00:07:30   mostly just write it off with a kind of [TS]

00:07:33   it you know it sure could happen it [TS]

00:07:36   wouldn't surprise me it seems like if [TS]

00:07:39   you look back at the history of allowing [TS]

00:07:41   a lady drug thing but like you think [TS]

00:07:43   about you think about like oh you know [TS]

00:07:44   there's all these different theories and [TS]

00:07:46   records about what caused what in this [TS]

00:07:49   you know 60 70 80 and 90 is because CIA [TS]

00:07:51   you know I that the the part that that [TS]

00:07:55   mitigates against dismissing all crazy [TS]

00:07:58   theories is that so much dumb shit has [TS]

00:08:01   happened were like there were meetings [TS]

00:08:03   and plans and calendar events and HR [TS]

00:08:06   decisions to do some really crazy shit [TS]

00:08:09   that makes you feel like you know what [TS]

00:08:10   their you never know right and there's [TS]

00:08:13   been a lot of dumb stuff [TS]

00:08:14   oh there's been a lot of times and I'm [TS]

00:08:17   not putting it too strongly am i don't [TS]

00:08:19   know i think that's a government I don't [TS]

00:08:22   know the government I [TS]

00:08:24   I i don't know i don't i wanna i [TS]

00:08:27   seriously want an mp3 of that the [TS]

00:08:29   government the government i don't know i [TS]

00:08:34   don't know just want that to be my room [TS]

00:08:36   don't worry about the lone gunman you [TS]

00:08:38   know what I mean that's for sure because [TS]

00:08:39   you don't even have to have it mean to [TS]

00:08:40   be crazy on your own [TS]

00:08:42   well and all those kids out there now [TS]

00:08:44   with carbon monoxide guns i gotta-i [TS]

00:08:46   gotta get one of those things i should [TS]

00:08:47   probably have the place I could have to [TS]

00:08:48   have a plumber come out this week I [TS]

00:08:49   should probably also have a carbon [TS]

00:08:51   ologist sure that's what it comes down [TS]

00:08:53   and does a there's a there's a monologue [TS]

00:08:55   about carbon at your house well you [TS]

00:08:58   should have a dinner come out and see if [TS]

00:09:01   you you know i always find out if we [TS]

00:09:03   have water in the house I don't know if [TS]

00:09:04   there's water we found water my wife is [TS]

00:09:06   the dinner yesterday she text me and [TS]

00:09:08   said we got that drip into the sink [TS]

00:09:09   again so now you know we gotta call the [TS]

00:09:11   guy I need one of those except for [TS]

00:09:13   finding dead animals in my walls are you [TS]

00:09:16   still at that I so I I I went around the [TS]

00:09:19   house and by I went around the house I [TS]

00:09:21   mean largely my mom went around the [TS]

00:09:24   house and she I mean she this lady loves [TS]

00:09:27   a project right and she's when I was [TS]

00:09:30   running for office and I was very very [TS]

00:09:32   busy and I was struggling with the fact [TS]

00:09:34   that i was routinely now trapping [TS]

00:09:37   possums in my crawlspace and then [TS]

00:09:41   realizing the trapping possums wasn't [TS]

00:09:44   enough you know they they foreclosed on [TS]

00:09:47   a house a couple of doors down from my [TS]

00:09:49   house and some house flippers came in [TS]

00:09:52   and rehabilitated and that caused the [TS]

00:09:53   the great the Great rat diaspora yeah [TS]

00:09:56   that's right and so then I was trapping [TS]

00:09:58   rats right I'm trapping possum trapping [TS]

00:10:01   rats [TS]

00:10:02   it's just fucking it's not a good scene [TS]

00:10:05   because it's also july it's 110 degrees [TS]

00:10:09   and if you trap a rat in your attic 110 [TS]

00:10:13   degrees the ret the decomposition [TS]

00:10:16   process happens a lot faster and the [TS]

00:10:18   company that I hired to trap the rats [TS]

00:10:21   have this policy of like well if it's a [TS]

00:10:24   live possum in the trap will try and get [TS]

00:10:27   out there this afternoon and I'm like [TS]

00:10:31   really [TS]

00:10:32   yeah we're busy but if it's a dead rat [TS]

00:10:37   well that's not going anywhere will come [TS]

00:10:39   by on Saturday and I'm like it someday [TS]

00:10:42   you're gonna let the dead rats in my [TS]

00:10:45   attic for a week [TS]

00:10:46   ya know and they're like well you know [TS]

00:10:49   that's if you read the contract so it [TS]

00:10:52   was a bet that was a bad relationship [TS]

00:10:53   but then my mom who loves a project put [TS]

00:10:58   on her overalls which are covered with [TS]

00:11:01   different colors of blue paint and are [TS]

00:11:04   worn out at the knees her favorite [TS]

00:11:06   overalls coveralls and she came out and [TS]

00:11:09   she started filling every hole the size [TS]

00:11:16   of a dime in the outside of the house [TS]

00:11:19   and she just was having the time of her [TS]

00:11:21   life rap proofing this house [TS]

00:11:25   Wow but there and so all the rats we [TS]

00:11:29   captured him all we got all the possums [TS]

00:11:32   we got everybody out of the fucking [TS]

00:11:33   house and then I walked in one day and [TS]

00:11:40   there was the smell of a dead animal [TS]

00:11:42   someone and I wandered around the house [TS]

00:11:45   and H trying to find it trying to find a [TS]

00:11:48   trying to find it couldn't find it [TS]

00:11:49   couldn't find it [TS]

00:11:50   finally upstairs in the one of the rooms [TS]

00:11:56   i realized that so I my suspicion is [TS]

00:12:01   threat climbed up in the wall and got [TS]

00:12:04   two right next to the heating vent but [TS]

00:12:08   when i took the event face off [TS]

00:12:10   I couldn't it was like on the other side [TS]

00:12:12   of the sheet metal it wasn't in the hvac [TS]

00:12:15   it was like in the wall outside of the [TS]

00:12:18   HVAC and it just died up there and so it [TS]

00:12:22   was like oh you miserable bastards i [TS]

00:12:27   would eradicate your entire kind i would [TS]

00:12:29   stand there and kill you in front of [TS]

00:12:31   each other so that you would know that [TS]

00:12:35   you'd have transgressed against a [TS]

00:12:37   monster [TS]

00:12:37   uh-huh but so i sealed up that heating [TS]

00:12:41   vent duct tape to completely off and [TS]

00:12:44   waited for the smell to go away and was [TS]

00:12:46   just like that's just I guess on your [TS]

00:12:48   own a house I've been in this house [TS]

00:12:49   seven years and nothing [TS]

00:12:50   died in the walls yet but now we're a [TS]

00:12:53   war with these rats and i thought i had [TS]

00:12:55   trapped them all but somebody got in and [TS]

00:12:57   then we sealed it anyway so no rats no [TS]

00:13:03   critters and then two weeks ago I hear [TS]

00:13:09   something crawling around and like you [TS]

00:13:11   sons of bitches and so then I go all the [TS]

00:13:15   way around the house with the high you [TS]

00:13:18   know like a 10,000 watt flashlight and I [TS]

00:13:22   find a hole that nobody could you know [TS]

00:13:25   that that we didn't look for because the [TS]

00:13:27   stupid as company that was trapping [TS]

00:13:30   possums for me told me that there were [TS]

00:13:32   no holes in this particular location and [TS]

00:13:35   then I found a hole in that location and [TS]

00:13:38   I was like you guy with you guy with [TS]

00:13:40   your your possum trapping coveralls you [TS]

00:13:45   didn't actually get up on the ladder [TS]

00:13:47   like you said you did so to make a long [TS]

00:13:50   story short when i was gone when i was [TS]

00:13:55   down in san francisco i started getting [TS]

00:13:58   reports from the various people who look [TS]

00:14:01   after my property that there's a strange [TS]

00:14:05   smell in the house and I was like really [TS]

00:14:06   did i forget to take the recycling out [TS]

00:14:08   and the report came back I don't think [TS]

00:14:11   it's the recycle so what I got home sure [TS]

00:14:13   enough it was a very fits of to you know [TS]

00:14:16   you know what the smell is it's a very [TS]

00:14:18   particular smell and so I spent the [TS]

00:14:21   entire week with my divining rod trying [TS]

00:14:28   to find the location of this beast and [TS]

00:14:33   could not I short of tearing the drywall [TS]

00:14:37   apart i could not find where this [TS]

00:14:38   critter had decided to breathe his last [TS]

00:14:42   breath and so all I could do was just [TS]

00:14:46   sit in this house that sort of vaguely [TS]

00:14:49   smells like a dead something I'm just [TS]

00:14:53   like why why why this [TS]

00:14:56   yeah i mean in the grand scheme of [TS]

00:14:59   things but you gotta live there [TS]

00:15:03   so it's you know it's funny houses are [TS]

00:15:06   funny thing because you know you feel [TS]

00:15:08   like you close the windows shut the door [TS]

00:15:11   maybe you've even kind of weather proof [TS]

00:15:13   the door but you're not even close [TS]

00:15:15   mi mean a house is old as ours like we [TS]

00:15:18   have a almost 90 year old house and you [TS]

00:15:22   know i think it it gets like an old man [TS]

00:15:25   and gets a little loose and flabby and [TS]

00:15:27   and you know I it was it was probably [TS]

00:15:29   never liked the fanciest place to begin [TS]

00:15:30   with but like at three this started in [TS]

00:15:33   Florida when and when you first hear [TS]

00:15:35   there's a factoid that you can't unhear [TS]

00:15:36   in life which is that there are certain [TS]

00:15:39   kinds of on-call varmint so I hope [TS]

00:15:40   that's not the apartment is not very [TS]

00:15:42   progressive but there are certain kinds [TS]

00:15:44   of moments where if their head can get [TS]

00:15:46   through it [TS]

00:15:47   their body can get through it i believe [TS]

00:15:48   this is true of roaches and i'm pretty [TS]

00:15:51   sure it's true of rats and I know it's [TS]

00:15:53   true squid you've seen the squid video [TS]

00:15:56   yeah the squids will get right in your [TS]

00:15:57   house you don't want to split up there [TS]

00:15:59   well I'm my sand ants but they got the [TS]

00:16:02   the you know the the the skeleton in the [TS]

00:16:05   musculature of these varmints you know [TS]

00:16:07   will collapse through a hole like the [TS]

00:16:09   size of a frickin dime [TS]

00:16:10   yea big a detachable penis yeah that's [TS]

00:16:13   true and and and so I mean of course in [TS]

00:16:16   Florida it's pointless i mean they're [TS]

00:16:18   they're coming home in the grocery bags [TS]

00:16:19   are coming through the walls you know [TS]

00:16:21   coming through the mtv you get the just [TS]

00:16:23   getting all kinds of roaches and stuff [TS]

00:16:24   in the house but we had a we had a our [TS]

00:16:26   first Mouse incursion was man [TS]

00:16:30   and probably around the time not long [TS]

00:16:31   before for my kid came on the scene [TS]

00:16:33   which made it extra kind of crazy you [TS]

00:16:35   don't want to get the mouse in the same [TS]

00:16:36   house [TS]

00:16:36   mmm yeah if you got a house it's got a [TS]

00:16:39   mouse got a mouse if you're a kid you [TS]

00:16:41   got a kid you know what it is it's and [TS]

00:16:43   again my favorite word vulnerability it [TS]

00:16:44   makes you feel vulnerable when you know [TS]

00:16:46   that there are that there are mammals in [TS]

00:16:49   particular that can just kind of wander [TS]

00:16:51   in and out of the house and decide if [TS]

00:16:53   it's a place that they want to stay [TS]

00:16:54   yeah who knows what the mouse is [TS]

00:16:55   thinking uh-huh is the mouse watching [TS]

00:16:59   you masturbate [TS]

00:17:00   yeah that's not that's not a thing I [TS]

00:17:02   want to consider might be a turn-on for [TS]

00:17:04   the mouse see it's a mammal right they [TS]

00:17:07   could be communicating telepathically [TS]

00:17:09   with each other they could be alien life [TS]

00:17:11   forms from a different planet [TS]

00:17:12   masquerading as mice like you know if a [TS]

00:17:15   crab wandered into your house haha you [TS]

00:17:18   think well that's kinda weird you know [TS]

00:17:20   like how did that happen and I have to [TS]

00:17:22   say I you know I have no ill will [TS]

00:17:24   against the crab I think a crab him in [TS]

00:17:26   your house probably just wandered it [TS]

00:17:27   maybe was checking things out it was in [TS]

00:17:29   the neighborhood but you know when you [TS]

00:17:31   see that happen all the time and I and I [TS]

00:17:32   you know shooting out shoo shoo crashes [TS]

00:17:35   jus yeah but but you know the thing is [TS]

00:17:38   with when the so within the rainy season [TS]

00:17:41   here you get the sugar ants and then at [TS]

00:17:43   any time you could just get my [TS]

00:17:45   cigarettes were fortunate knock on [TS]

00:17:46   everything literally everything that we [TS]

00:17:48   have haven't had rats but you know a [TS]

00:17:50   mouse is looking for a place to camp out [TS]

00:17:52   and maybe bring family and I think when [TS]

00:17:54   you see one that's that's often an [TS]

00:17:56   emissary that's that's an explorer a [TS]

00:17:58   scout shirt company or somebody from the [TS]

00:18:01   mouse State Department they're coming in [TS]

00:18:03   there you know III don't know exactly [TS]

00:18:04   how we have a pretty good idea how it [TS]

00:18:05   works at the ants you know I've read [TS]

00:18:07   part of any Wilson book but you know [TS]

00:18:09   what the answer is real simple you know [TS]

00:18:11   which is when it rains they don't have a [TS]

00:18:13   place to live anymore [TS]

00:18:14   mm and you know in San Francisco it [TS]

00:18:16   doesn't rain it all until it rains and [TS]

00:18:18   then when it rains it rains really hard [TS]

00:18:19   and so basically usually around let me [TS]

00:18:23   know we don't really get rain in [TS]

00:18:24   California anymore but definitely [TS]

00:18:25   December in January it's full-on like [TS]

00:18:28   sugar Anton em and they will come in now [TS]

00:18:32   there's just not a whole lot you can do [TS]

00:18:33   about that you can you can hire [TS]

00:18:35   companies to like stake the place out [TS]

00:18:37   and spray stuff but like that's not [TS]

00:18:38   going to go away you got to just kind of [TS]

00:18:40   make your peace with the yet with the [TS]

00:18:41   ants right i will not abide a [TS]

00:18:43   rodent and how what is the San Francisco [TS]

00:18:46   spider story nothing like Seattle we get [TS]

00:18:50   we get some awesome like single spiders [TS]

00:18:53   i think probably bachelor spiders come [TS]

00:18:55   and hang out usually in the bathroom i [TS]

00:18:57   love them [TS]

00:18:57   my family doesn't love I'm always the [TS]

00:18:59   one who is charged with the catch and [TS]

00:19:01   release program for spiders i love a [TS]

00:19:03   spider [TS]

00:19:03   I feel like a spider mite be good luck [TS]

00:19:04   darling bleeding good luck yeah i'm a [TS]

00:19:07   i'm a fan of spiders but you know as you [TS]

00:19:09   know in seattle there are multiple kinds [TS]

00:19:12   i mean it's pretty bad right i mean it's [TS]

00:19:14   really like legitimately like too many [TS]

00:19:16   spiders so it's too many spiders and the [TS]

00:19:18   garden spiders you watch the garden [TS]

00:19:21   spiders get fatter and fatter and fatter [TS]

00:19:23   throughout the fall so you'll see a [TS]

00:19:25   spider and you're like oh there's a [TS]

00:19:27   weekend that guy and then the next day [TS]

00:19:30   it's visibly bigger and you're like huh [TS]

00:19:32   that's but spiders getting kind of big [TS]

00:19:34   and then get some rings and a walking [TS]

00:19:36   stick [TS]

00:19:36   yeah and then you're like a few days [TS]

00:19:38   later and you're like that is a freaking [TS]

00:19:40   fat ass spider that spiders body as big [TS]

00:19:43   as a walnut now and i am not any longer [TS]

00:19:47   like he let the spider be like let the [TS]

00:19:51   Bennett's are mostly ladies let's tidy [TS]

00:19:54   can tell from the from the way they're [TS]

00:19:56   dressed or just yeah just been sort of [TS]

00:19:58   their attitude you know that they're [TS]

00:20:00   just really good interrupt other sassy [TS]

00:20:02   mm um but uh what I don't want is to be [TS]

00:20:07   walking through my own garden and take [TS]

00:20:09   one of these in the face [TS]

00:20:11   yes and so I walk for three months out [TS]

00:20:16   of the year i walked through my yard [TS]

00:20:17   with one hand up in front of my in front [TS]

00:20:21   of my body random no no surprise spiders [TS]

00:20:24   for you [TS]

00:20:25   yeah and the thing is if you make the [TS]

00:20:26   mistake of putting your hand up where [TS]

00:20:29   the tips of your fingers are I level you [TS]

00:20:32   will catch a spider web in your forehead [TS]

00:20:36   I don't like that and so you got to keep [TS]

00:20:37   your hands up above your head and out [TS]

00:20:40   far enough that you can hit a web and [TS]

00:20:42   like karate chop it so now i know my [TS]

00:20:45   daughter walks through the yard with her [TS]

00:20:47   hand up she doesn't know why she's just [TS]

00:20:51   imitating daddy and we're walking [TS]

00:20:52   through the yard with our shark fins out [TS]

00:20:56   and chopping down spiderwebs and even [TS]

00:20:59   with that even with that technique i [TS]

00:21:01   catch three spider webs in the face [TS]

00:21:04   pretty much every day and then you got [TS]

00:21:08   the house spiders and there are the [TS]

00:21:10   fast-moving super fast moving ceiling [TS]

00:21:14   spiders and then there are the new a [TS]

00:21:19   numerable kinds of spiders let's say and [TS]

00:21:23   I i am in a family of ladies right I'm [TS]

00:21:28   the only guy in my family my mom doesn't [TS]

00:21:31   mean literally a lobster could be on my [TS]

00:21:34   mom ceiling and she wouldn't flinch but [TS]

00:21:37   but there are other characters in my [TS]

00:21:41   clam who do not want a spider around 1i [TS]

00:21:44   gene fairness I don't you know I just [TS]

00:21:46   want to say that like I think of the [TS]

00:21:48   guesswork focus of the focus the spider [TS]

00:21:53   one is right there are a lot of people [TS]

00:21:54   who are utterly unhinged by the idea [TS]

00:21:57   that they're even might be a spider in [TS]

00:21:58   the room [TS]

00:21:59   well i'm particularly the fast-moving [TS]

00:22:01   spiders again a surprise spider a [TS]

00:22:04   surprise spider where it's like that [TS]

00:22:06   spiders not moving very fast that [TS]

00:22:07   spiders just hanging out and then the [TS]

00:22:10   spider moves fast and you're like oh no [TS]

00:22:12   oh no no no [TS]

00:22:15   so I understand but I'm very tight i'm [TS]

00:22:18   pro spider and I'm kind to spiders but [TS]

00:22:20   might it seems like at a certain point [TS]

00:22:22   in the year my number one job [TS]

00:22:25   above all else is moving house spiders [TS]

00:22:26   outside and i have no way of knowing [TS]

00:22:28   whether a house spider can survive [TS]

00:22:31   outside or whether the house better [TS]

00:22:32   turns around and immediately walks back [TS]

00:22:34   into my house through one of its many [TS]

00:22:37   many holes right right right did you [TS]

00:22:39   think it has that sense of see something [TS]

00:22:41   we do a lot now I'm thinking about all [TS]

00:22:43   the varieties of things that we that we [TS]

00:22:44   have around here before walking down a [TS]

00:22:46   picnic at school were walking around the [TS]

00:22:48   corner of the school will frequently be [TS]

00:22:50   a little tiny super fuzzy yellow eye on [TS]

00:22:56   caterpillars i like them so far maybe [TS]

00:22:58   half an inch long very very tiny and [TS]

00:23:01   will be working their way across the [TS]

00:23:02   sidewalk and i'm not sure how this might [TS]

00:23:05   my daughter [TS]

00:23:06   uh [TS]

00:23:07   amigo all its it we got to get out of [TS]

00:23:09   the road we got to get out of the [TS]

00:23:10   sidewalk and so we move it we picked [TS]

00:23:13   this happened last week she picks she [TS]

00:23:14   picks up a caterpillar because she's [TS]

00:23:16   awesome and she goes and puts it back in [TS]

00:23:18   what we guess is where it wanted to [TS]

00:23:19   originally have been there were walking [TS]

00:23:22   along we see another one who had made [TS]

00:23:24   further progress and she says oh thats [TS]

00:23:26   its friend wants to be with its friend [TS]

00:23:28   or she goes back picks up the the [TS]

00:23:31   caterpillar sub 1 and then puts it over [TS]

00:23:34   so I can be with its friend now a part [TS]

00:23:37   of me i had an environmental ethics [TS]

00:23:38   class and in in college I've thought [TS]

00:23:40   about this a lot and I sometimes [TS]

00:23:42   wondered like should we should we a pick [TS]

00:23:45   it up and get it out of the way to [TS]

00:23:47   somewhere we think it belongs be pick it [TS]

00:23:50   up and put it with who were calling its [TS]

00:23:51   friend Marcy leave it where it is [TS]

00:23:53   because nature right right how much how [TS]

00:23:57   much should we intervene now I'm just [TS]

00:23:59   here to tell you like I do not like up [TS]

00:24:01   I'll kill the shit out of a flying [TS]

00:24:02   insect I do not like a flying insect I i [TS]

00:24:05   will go way out of my way I will [TS]

00:24:07   inconvenience myself i will pause the [TS]

00:24:08   television to get a spider out of the [TS]

00:24:10   house you know even though hey I didn't [TS]

00:24:12   mind it being there and being probably [TS]

00:24:14   come back it eventually your problem [TS]

00:24:16   what's your what's your what's your [TS]

00:24:17   general feeling on moving animals up [TS]

00:24:20   flying insects in my house I don't you [TS]

00:24:24   know the other day there is a moth in [TS]

00:24:26   the house and I was sitting there in the [TS]

00:24:29   company of some friends and the moth was [TS]

00:24:33   doing it's like sort of flight the x me [TS]

00:24:40   and I grabbed it by the wing out of the [TS]

00:24:42   air [TS]

00:24:44   oh I like mr. Miyagi like spell and that [TS]

00:24:47   was a good party trick but then I felt [TS]

00:24:51   bad for the moth em and I let it go and [TS]

00:24:55   it kept flying in in contravention of [TS]

00:24:58   what i thought would happen [TS]

00:25:00   I I always heard that seems very [TS]

00:25:01   delicate like any injury at all and it's [TS]

00:25:03   gonna lose the the ability to fly [TS]

00:25:05   yeah but I but this guy kept on keeping [TS]

00:25:07   on and so I was like shit you earned the [TS]

00:25:10   right to live [TS]

00:25:11   um just by you know you have your [TS]

00:25:15   indomitable spirit [TS]

00:25:17   yeah but I lost one [TS]

00:25:20   I lost my dad's harris tweed blazer to [TS]

00:25:25   mobs and I think they're different model [TS]

00:25:28   the big models don't eat the 10 i think [TS]

00:25:32   the Blazers are a lot smaller they make [TS]

00:25:34   a little tiny holes the other little [TS]

00:25:35   ones but they really went after this [TS]

00:25:37   blazer which I had my whole life in [TS]

00:25:39   which my dad had since the fifties and [TS]

00:25:41   it was his signature code he handed it [TS]

00:25:43   down to me in threadbare but serviceable [TS]

00:25:46   condition and then in under my [TS]

00:25:48   stewardship this thing was attacked by [TS]

00:25:52   mods and and tattered happened on your [TS]

00:25:54   watch yet did it did I had to bear the [TS]

00:25:57   responsibility for it and so mods uh [TS]

00:26:00   like I brook no truck i am i'ma but i [TS]

00:26:07   don't know exactly how to kill them [TS]

00:26:08   other than have a carbon monoxide and as [TS]

00:26:11   you know that that creates the illusion [TS]

00:26:15   of a haunting so I don't want that you [TS]

00:26:18   got going on tomorrow [TS]

00:26:19   no no no tentatively but other things [TS]

00:26:21   bees they try to shoot him out wasps I [TS]

00:26:24   tried to show him out flies i kill with [TS]

00:26:28   impunity fruit flies definitely all i [TS]

00:26:31   got a whole project literally right now [TS]

00:26:34   happening in my kitchen [TS]

00:26:35   yeah well I got a project have you got [TS]

00:26:37   have you got some of the balsamic [TS]

00:26:39   vinegar in a cup got a red wine trap [TS]

00:26:42   working right now that's nice that you [TS]

00:26:44   take a bowl take that bottle of wine [TS]

00:26:46   from a few months ago you never finished [TS]

00:26:47   for that in what I do I overtop of all I [TS]

00:26:51   put two layers of saran wrap oh hello [TS]

00:26:53   two layers then I take a bamboo skewer [TS]

00:26:56   and I put maybe 11 holes at irregular [TS]

00:26:59   intervals so that they don't see the [TS]

00:27:01   pattern right you know their pattern [TS]

00:27:03   matching oh absolutely absolutely [TS]

00:27:05   you don't make it clear we should it [TS]

00:27:06   should look like you know it's like a [TS]

00:27:07   tiger trap right it should be like [TS]

00:27:09   terrain and then like oh hey you know [TS]

00:27:12   free free jail or Cabernet from a few [TS]

00:27:14   months ago we get in those tiny little [TS]

00:27:17   holes and then they they can't get out [TS]

00:27:19   and I just you know what i do i just put [TS]

00:27:20   it right in the compost bin all this is [TS]

00:27:23   accomplished don't worry [TS]

00:27:24   oh really oh so you put in a disposable [TS]

00:27:27   double disguised it's not disposable [TS]

00:27:30   take it out eventually I got the [TS]

00:27:31   presence of mind [TS]

00:27:32   icic know you [TS]

00:27:33   put it right in the competence literally [TS]

00:27:35   it's in there I god you're not kidding [TS]

00:27:37   around [TS]

00:27:38   it's just compost come on in sure hey [TS]

00:27:40   it's just another little jar of wine [TS]

00:27:42   here's the thing and why do we have [TS]

00:27:44   fruit flies well we take the compost out [TS]

00:27:47   like pretty regularly and then we got we [TS]

00:27:49   got one of those that matter we got one [TS]

00:27:50   of those garbage cans were you pop it up [TS]

00:27:52   and it's got the two of those fancy [TS]

00:27:54   garbage cans when you open with your [TS]

00:27:55   foot one side is garbage and recycling [TS]

00:27:58   we use the other side for compost we try [TS]

00:28:00   to take that regularly but you also [TS]

00:28:01   gotta wash out the actual can is that [TS]

00:28:03   detris will attract many of these are [TS]

00:28:05   various formats now my concern is why so [TS]

00:28:08   many fruit flies we need that much fruit [TS]

00:28:10   and we take out the compost pretty [TS]

00:28:12   officer now my concern is is there [TS]

00:28:13   something else rotting somewhere that I [TS]

00:28:15   don't know about you see what the oh yes [TS]

00:28:16   i do i do it you know and a circle of [TS]

00:28:19   life hakuna matata you don't get one [TS]

00:28:21   kind of varmint varmints attract other [TS]

00:28:22   varmints see environments beget varmints [TS]

00:28:24   that's our bible it is it's in crazy ass [TS]

00:28:27   tease you get some of the B's i don't [TS]

00:28:29   know i did not know this [TS]

00:28:30   I was admonished uh almost exactly two [TS]

00:28:33   years ago I helped shop around a field [TS]

00:28:35   trip to the pumpkin patch and you know [TS]

00:28:38   who loves pumpkin patches is a yellow [TS]

00:28:40   jackets [TS]

00:28:41   yeah and our group of five year olds [TS]

00:28:45   were were set upon by Yellowjackets one [TS]

00:28:48   kid got the shit stayed out of him [TS]

00:28:50   oh yeah yeah and so I'm gonna be the [TS]

00:28:52   hero I'm whacking and wavin so first of [TS]

00:28:55   all I learned a I'm hearing you tell me [TS]

00:28:56   you this comports with your information [TS]

00:28:58   your knowledge base number one like [TS]

00:29:00   don't don't wave and whack at a yellow [TS]

00:29:03   jacket because that just makes him mad [TS]

00:29:05   and or attract them there be [TS]

00:29:07   you ready for this don't smash yellow [TS]

00:29:08   jacket because guess what happens [TS]

00:29:10   oh the other yellow jacket there they [TS]

00:29:13   get mad and they're attracted they smell [TS]

00:29:14   a dead yellowjacket apparently that [TS]

00:29:16   makes the swarm on you [TS]

00:29:17   yeah yeah you've you've heard my tour [TS]

00:29:20   stories right about driving through the [TS]

00:29:22   Midwest certain times of the year [TS]

00:29:24   certain times of the year when you when [TS]

00:29:27   the big bugs around [TS]

00:29:28   oh yeah right right when your when your [TS]

00:29:30   windshield is just covered with all [TS]

00:29:32   these it's just it's just caked with it [TS]

00:29:34   like out like the top of a German [TS]

00:29:36   chocolate cake with just dad bugs of [TS]

00:29:39   every size and shape and then when you [TS]

00:29:40   stop to get gas or to go into get a-goin [TS]

00:29:46   to get into the hot case and get some [TS]

00:29:48   JoJo's uh-huh you come back out on the [TS]

00:29:51   front of your vehicle is just swarmed [TS]

00:29:53   with yellow jackets because they're [TS]

00:29:55   there to eat the other bugs the dead [TS]

00:29:58   bugs features a dick [TS]

00:29:59   it's terrible and so then you're trying [TS]

00:30:01   to get back into your vehicle with like [TS]

00:30:03   Yellow Jackets everywhere and you can't [TS]

00:30:05   keep them out and so then you're driving [TS]

00:30:07   across the country with like Yellow [TS]

00:30:09   Jackets of the car which is not good for [TS]

00:30:11   anybody being on tour is really not as [TS]

00:30:14   glamorous as it sounds i've been in your [TS]

00:30:17   van i know that my you have been in the [TS]

00:30:19   van that's right gettin the band [TS]

00:30:21   yeah I hmm i don't know i could be [TS]

00:30:24   carbon monoxide I should probably get [TS]

00:30:26   checked out but then my feeling is and [TS]

00:30:27   like this just just tell you where I am [TS]

00:30:29   in life I got okay well like now I start [TS]

00:30:31   having a sense so it's probably carbon [TS]

00:30:33   monoxide i'm probably i'm probably [TS]

00:30:34   haunted by elements might also wanted by [TS]

00:30:37   elements that's the thing i had never [TS]

00:30:39   considered so like now I let's say I [TS]

00:30:41   find out we got carbon monoxide what am [TS]

00:30:43   I gonna do about it [TS]

00:30:44   like how we gonna get the furnace vented [TS]

00:30:47   better who you know and it's where I [TS]

00:30:50   become irrational where I i start [TS]

00:30:53   compartmentalizing and thinking maybe if [TS]

00:30:56   I don't if I don't if I don't look for [TS]

00:30:58   the mouse the there won't be a mouse [TS]

00:31:00   well thank you know eisenberg [TS]

00:31:02   uncertainty nice haha strangers [TS]

00:31:05   strangers fruit fly the news as soon as [TS]

00:31:08   you look at the mouse is a fifty percent [TS]

00:31:10   chance of a mouse there that's right [TS]

00:31:12   that's just science that's precisely [TS]

00:31:13   right and and what happens is because of [TS]

00:31:17   spooky action at a distance this mouse [TS]

00:31:19   and other mice are all in the same [TS]

00:31:22   orientation [TS]

00:31:23   oh yeah so as soon as you look at this [TS]

00:31:26   mouse you have also predetermined he the [TS]

00:31:29   posture of mice sometimes very far away [TS]

00:31:33   it's a kind of predestination it's in [TS]

00:31:35   and it's impossible to know who which is [TS]

00:31:37   the great thing about physics so much of [TS]

00:31:39   it is impossible to know that's [TS]

00:31:41   comforting me a lot of ways i'm talking [TS]

00:31:42   Mouse physics now [TS]

00:31:44   no I understand but I also feel like in [TS]

00:31:45   the same way that you have let's be [TS]

00:31:46   honest let's go back a little bit you [TS]

00:31:48   have established a certain kind of of a [TS]

00:31:49   date aren't you know you know a a [TS]

00:31:54   you know you've got a separate piece [TS]

00:31:55   that you've made with various kinds of [TS]

00:31:57   animals you in the raccoons you in the [TS]

00:31:59   crows you've worked some things out you [TS]

00:32:00   look each other [TS]

00:32:01   I feel the same way I feel like spiders [TS]

00:32:02   are like anchovies let's work this out i [TS]

00:32:04   don't mean the kind of swimming kind i [TS]

00:32:06   mean the kind you get the california [TS]

00:32:07   pizza [TS]

00:32:07   sure let's move that salty ones let's [TS]

00:32:09   make a deal here we're not gonna [TS]

00:32:10   surprise each other right that's the [TS]

00:32:13   thing i think we should I think we [TS]

00:32:14   should have a way where we could say [TS]

00:32:16   almost like like a couple who wants to [TS]

00:32:18   get divorced has to live together you [TS]

00:32:19   stay in this room you have that room you [TS]

00:32:21   have that room you know what you can [TS]

00:32:23   have the bathroom all night long as long [TS]

00:32:25   as you don't jump on me if I urinate in [TS]

00:32:27   the middle of the night [TS]

00:32:28   that's the good part of the anchovies [TS]

00:32:29   but the spiders but sure to meet similar [TS]

00:32:31   principle if you order a Caesar salad [TS]

00:32:33   who you got to expect that you're gonna [TS]

00:32:35   get spiders on it's right there on the [TS]

00:32:36   10 says Caesar it's going to have [TS]

00:32:38   anchovies in it but if you order a pizza [TS]

00:32:40   you have no there's you there's no [TS]

00:32:42   reason that you should have to find an [TS]

00:32:45   anchovy or a spider or spite if a spider [TS]

00:32:48   left out of your Caesar salad you what [TS]

00:32:50   you would want to have words spiders are [TS]

00:32:52   the anchovies of the house pets [TS]

00:32:54   I couldn't agree more yeah I feel like [TS]

00:32:56   my relationship with raccoons and crows [TS]

00:32:59   is based primarily on in the raccoons [TS]

00:33:02   case the opposable thumb and the fact [TS]

00:33:05   that it looks at me knowingly and I've [TS]

00:33:07   seen them in action enough over the [TS]

00:33:09   years and I feel like we need to reach [TS]

00:33:12   an accommodation i will allow you to [TS]

00:33:16   have a tremendously way in my world and [TS]

00:33:20   you let me pass and maybe one day I will [TS]

00:33:24   call upon you for a favor [TS]

00:33:25   mhm the crows on the other hand are I [TS]

00:33:30   think running the whole show [TS]

00:33:31   I think a Crow's mind moves very quickly [TS]

00:33:34   yeah we we we've talked about this [TS]

00:33:37   before well a little bit yeah but you [TS]

00:33:40   know today they're running the whole [TS]

00:33:42   show the more I see the way they work [TS]

00:33:44   the more I feel like a lot of the a lot [TS]

00:33:48   of the mysteries are just the crows like [TS]

00:33:52   you know Lena path understanding crows [TS]

00:33:55   could explain a lot [TS]

00:33:57   I think it could be nice and like you [TS]

00:33:58   some context for this I show up at my [TS]

00:34:00   daughter school pickup as I do every [TS]

00:34:01   afternoon and it's taking up at the time [TS]

00:34:04   it's after snack [TS]

00:34:06   the children have left the play [TS]

00:34:07   ground and now there's lots of children [TS]

00:34:09   garbage and children foods and like [TS]

00:34:11   little bits of lists of sticky things [TS]

00:34:13   all over the place because they just did [TS]

00:34:15   they just had their snack [TS]

00:34:16   yeah and there are there are very few [TS]

00:34:18   children but there are three kinds of [TS]

00:34:20   birds in this space you got your pigeons [TS]

00:34:22   which is your fat urban pitch in your [TS]

00:34:24   big basic flying rat dumb as a bag of [TS]

00:34:27   hammers pigeon you got some seagulls who [TS]

00:34:30   seemed disoriented and not entirely sure [TS]

00:34:31   why they're out there so confused right [TS]

00:34:34   you got seagulls because we're doing [TS]

00:34:35   Rick oh they're there they're super its [TS]

00:34:37   John here they're they're yummy to be a [TS]

00:34:39   super you there are no small seabird Oh [TS]

00:34:41   only small parts know and and then and [TS]

00:34:44   then and then add in fewer in number but [TS]

00:34:48   much greater enforce you see these [TS]

00:34:51   little fellas up here on the corner [TS]

00:34:53   there looking down and you see the crows [TS]

00:34:55   and they're just they're watching [TS]

00:34:56   everything that's not fucking heckle and [TS]

00:34:58   Jeckle oh I know yeah thnkx for Magpies [TS]

00:35:00   technically it's a magpie different from [TS]

00:35:02   a crow I think they are very different [TS]

00:35:03   set of the diagram of this and I should [TS]

00:35:05   probably pull that is you know they're [TS]

00:35:07   like the Crows they're like the racist [TS]

00:35:08   crows in dumbo okay yeah and so the the [TS]

00:35:12   pigeons the pigeons are our I don't know [TS]

00:35:14   how the picture I just keep waiting for [TS]

00:35:15   the mechanic fall over and forget how to [TS]

00:35:17   live there they're not super bright [TS]

00:35:18   they're walking around there like eating [TS]

00:35:20   bottle caps and shit you get the [TS]

00:35:21   seagulls who are sort of like the the [TS]

00:35:24   the the meth users of the playground and [TS]

00:35:27   then way up on high [TS]

00:35:28   you've got these crows they're just [TS]

00:35:30   taking their time they are they're on a [TS]

00:35:31   different time scale they are seeing [TS]

00:35:33   everything is moving slowly they're like [TS]

00:35:35   Paul Sorvino right oh that's right [TS]

00:35:37   that's all I didn't move fast because he [TS]

00:35:38   didn't happen with fast he was like a [TS]

00:35:39   crow now probably watching everything's [TS]

00:35:41   going right across he's not going to [TS]

00:35:43   just fly down me to french fry he's [TS]

00:35:45   gonna watch the french fry for you to [TS]

00:35:46   learn about the french fries he's gonna [TS]

00:35:47   see who's interested in the french fries [TS]

00:35:49   and remember that he's gonna tell his [TS]

00:35:50   friends you meet back at the parking lot [TS]

00:35:52   over by the safeway there's gonna be [TS]

00:35:53   some serious high-level crow discussions [TS]

00:35:55   well that french fry and what I noticed [TS]

00:35:56   about crows is that they will let a [TS]

00:35:58   seagull eat the french fry [TS]

00:36:01   uh-huh they are not like they see a [TS]

00:36:04   french fry there watching it [TS]

00:36:05   they're learning about seagull comes in [TS]

00:36:07   each the french fry the crows not [TS]

00:36:09   disappointed he learned there's always [TS]

00:36:11   more french fries [TS]

00:36:12   he's gonna know he knows more about that [TS]

00:36:13   French rather than that seagull will [TS]

00:36:15   ever know like Lex Luthor you can even [TS]

00:36:18   read the candy wrapper and in the [TS]

00:36:21   about the secrets of life i don't really [TS]

00:36:22   know much about the DC Universe missing [TS]

00:36:25   anything [TS]

00:36:26   so here's the thing that I don't here's [TS]

00:36:30   what I learned over the past year is [TS]

00:36:34   that i do not have very much respect for [TS]

00:36:37   opossums the one thing about possums [TS]

00:36:40   than I do respect is that i have seen a [TS]

00:36:43   possum and a cat live in harmony with [TS]

00:36:50   one another [TS]

00:36:51   I've watched a possum and a cat [TS]

00:36:53   encounter one another in my own yard and [TS]

00:36:56   it wasn't like all the way to [TS]

00:36:59   hail-fellow-well-met but it certainly [TS]

00:37:02   was that they each had diplomatic papers [TS]

00:37:06   that a lack of move freely they can move [TS]

00:37:10   freely and that surprised me because i [TS]

00:37:14   would not see a possum in a cat III [TS]

00:37:17   would not imagine that they occupied the [TS]

00:37:20   same emotional space but it seemed like [TS]

00:37:24   they really did and so I went to my [TS]

00:37:26   mother [TS]

00:37:27   the sage and I said possum and cat [TS]

00:37:30   described and she's and then I said [TS]

00:37:35   activate over who and she said at one [TS]

00:37:39   point in her life she had several cats [TS]

00:37:42   that she fed outside and that the cats [TS]

00:37:45   and the possums would eat out of the [TS]

00:37:48   same bowl at the same time I was like [TS]

00:37:51   okay that is there's something going on [TS]

00:37:55   in nature where where those two species [TS]

00:37:58   have reached an agreement made a tall [TS]

00:38:01   and I and increases my respect for the [TS]

00:38:07   possum as it decreases my respect for [TS]

00:38:10   the cat right like and that's an idea [TS]

00:38:14   and i don't mean to be colonial here [TS]

00:38:17   no no I know I mean unite were from a [TS]

00:38:19   you know a different time yeah that's [TS]

00:38:21   right we're from an earlier age we [TS]

00:38:22   learned about the world in different [TS]

00:38:23   language but so I've had a very [TS]

00:38:27   momentous week you know a little bit of [TS]

00:38:31   this story [TS]

00:38:32   I don't know if you want to talk about [TS]

00:38:33   it it's a [TS]

00:38:34   it's crazy story too crazy story but and [TS]

00:38:39   it's not it's not even it's not the [TS]

00:38:41   entirety of how momentous this week has [TS]

00:38:43   been just a I'm a little curious how you [TS]

00:38:45   gonna pivot from cats and possible to [TS]

00:38:48   your filson bag but I'm here [TS]

00:38:50   yeah okay well so a last November I saw [TS]

00:39:01   a possum in my yard and this is a this [TS]

00:39:05   is prior to my mom's closing up all the [TS]

00:39:10   holes [TS]

00:39:10   oh this is when you work your we were [TS]

00:39:12   just the time you're waiting for your [TS]

00:39:14   facing it down [TS]

00:39:15   you're like you're sitting there at [TS]

00:39:17   night in a doorway waiting for the [TS]

00:39:19   possum waiting for the possum because I [TS]

00:39:21   wanted to see I wanted to track its [TS]

00:39:23   behavior because at this time in my life [TS]

00:39:25   I was fairly pro possum and I was like [TS]

00:39:27   there's possibly art he's coming around [TS]

00:39:29   I would like to know more about his [TS]

00:39:32   behavior so I don't like if somebody [TS]

00:39:35   wanted to date your daughter with all [TS]

00:39:36   respect that you would say you know this [TS]

00:39:37   is something we can talk about but first [TS]

00:39:39   we need to sit we need to sit down [TS]

00:39:40   that's right we dash couple things out [TS]

00:39:42   yeah i'm gonna watch your reactions to [TS]

00:39:45   the following questions and while you're [TS]

00:39:47   doing that I'm also going to be playing [TS]

00:39:51   with a dagger on the coffee table [TS]

00:39:54   tell me using only single words but how [TS]

00:39:57   you feel about my doctor by so i watch [TS]

00:40:01   this possum and I guess this is the time [TS]

00:40:03   when I first sort of see the possum [TS]

00:40:05   encountering the cat and I'm like that [TS]

00:40:08   you know it's Wild Kingdom back here [TS]

00:40:10   I'm learning a lot the raccoons are very [TS]

00:40:14   clearly watching this all go down from [TS]

00:40:16   their perch on the trees and they've got [TS]

00:40:19   no dog in the race right there just [TS]

00:40:22   taking it all in [TS]

00:40:24   but the opossum is a dingaling and he's [TS]

00:40:28   blind but he's out there the cats out [TS]

00:40:31   there and then I then the possible goes [TS]

00:40:32   under the house and I'm like oh shit [TS]

00:40:37   possums under the house [TS]

00:40:40   that's no good and then a right around [TS]

00:40:43   the fear the late autumn i hear the [TS]

00:40:48   possum in the walls and like fuck I was [TS]

00:40:52   watching the possum [TS]

00:40:54   I had a pretty good bead on him and then [TS]

00:40:57   the possum faked me out and moved into [TS]

00:41:00   the house and because of the way my [TS]

00:41:03   house is constructed there there was the [TS]

00:41:06   original house and then there was the [TS]

00:41:07   addition to the house the original House [TS]

00:41:09   was built in nineteen twelve and then [TS]

00:41:12   the addition was built in nineteen [TS]

00:41:13   thirty but what they did is they put the [TS]

00:41:14   addition on the side of the house where [TS]

00:41:17   the chimney was and the chimney goes all [TS]

00:41:20   the way down [TS]

00:41:21   you know that's the first thing they [TS]

00:41:24   build the chimney is down there and what [TS]

00:41:27   had formerly been the outside of the [TS]

00:41:29   chimney is now enclosed inside of wall [TS]

00:41:31   and the possum gun under the house and [TS]

00:41:33   then went up the chimney but inside the [TS]

00:41:37   house [TS]

00:41:39   so anyway the possums in there and he [TS]

00:41:42   scrubbing around these scribbling and [TS]

00:41:44   scrubbing and I can hear him or her i [TS]

00:41:46   think it's her huh [TS]

00:41:48   just by the way she carries herself yeah [TS]

00:41:50   and so the winner goes on and i'm not i [TS]

00:41:55   haven't reconciled my self all the way [TS]

00:41:59   to like called environment people [TS]

00:42:01   because i feel like this possum is going [TS]

00:42:04   to this possum is just here for a little [TS]

00:42:05   bit just visiting and then she's going [TS]

00:42:08   to move on but she didn't she stuck [TS]

00:42:11   around and I could hear ourselves still [TS]

00:42:13   just a single possum as far as i know [TS]

00:42:16   who their solitary animals but I hear [TS]

00:42:19   her and it's nice unless they got a [TS]

00:42:21   brood well see this is here at night [TS]

00:42:26   scription script script script like [TS]

00:42:32   but i but I don't call the critter [TS]

00:42:34   control because I just feel like listen [TS]

00:42:36   this is just a temporary situation i'm [TS]

00:42:39   going to pretend that this isn't [TS]

00:42:40   happening [TS]

00:42:42   so one night I'm in my house and I here [TS]

00:42:45   and opossums making a lot of noise and [TS]

00:42:46   I'm like I've got dammit ok ok possum we [TS]

00:42:50   have with we cross the threshold but I [TS]

00:42:54   was leaving to go on the jonathan [TS]

00:42:58   coulton Cruz not this is a at this point [TS]

00:43:01   februari this is Perry this is not I was [TS]

00:43:04   not leaving the next day I was leaving [TS]

00:43:06   at very early in the morning the [TS]

00:43:08   following day so I was lying in bed and [TS]

00:43:09   I'm like you've only got one day [TS]

00:43:11   tomorrow to deal with all the stuff you [TS]

00:43:13   need to deal with before you leave on a [TS]

00:43:16   long cruise and you can't deal with this [TS]

00:43:18   possum right now and that sucks she's [TS]

00:43:21   she's really making noise in the wall [TS]

00:43:24   and I am mad but I have to just roll [TS]

00:43:27   over and go back to sleep because this [TS]

00:43:29   possum is not a thing I can handle right [TS]

00:43:32   now I feel like such an active maturity [TS]

00:43:34   to go you know as much this is driving [TS]

00:43:36   me nuts [TS]

00:43:37   I'm gonna put aside the scratchy [TS]

00:43:38   scratchy and I'm gonna I'm gonna be an [TS]

00:43:40   adult homeowner and go to sleep because [TS]

00:43:41   i have to go get a boat their stuff to [TS]

00:43:43   do [TS]

00:43:43   whereas any any other night literally [TS]

00:43:45   like any other night you would have been [TS]

00:43:47   out there with the 10,000 watt [TS]

00:43:48   flashlight trying to find this thing [TS]

00:43:50   that's right this would have been that [TS]

00:43:52   this was the moment where I was like [TS]

00:43:53   alright games games over [TS]

00:43:56   I'm coming in I'm dumb I'm I'm chasing [TS]

00:44:00   you down so the next morning pretty [TS]

00:44:04   early in the morning I my phone rings [TS]

00:44:06   and unlike most of them in there and I [TS]

00:44:10   think because i was about to leave on [TS]

00:44:11   the cruise I was like I'd better not let [TS]

00:44:13   everything go to voicemail better answer [TS]

00:44:15   the phone because i'm leaving and if [TS]

00:44:19   this is some thing that needs to be [TS]

00:44:21   dealt with I should know and a pay phone [TS]

00:44:24   in the the person on the other line says [TS]

00:44:26   this is john Roderick to you you know I [TS]

00:44:29   and with the following birthday to run [TS]

00:44:32   around like yeah who's this and she says [TS]

00:44:34   I'm from these around from american [TS]

00:44:37   express and your American Express card [TS]

00:44:39   is being used to buy gasoline [TS]

00:44:43   somewhere and they didn't know your zip [TS]

00:44:48   code or whatever and we're calling to [TS]

00:44:49   find out if that's you and I was like [TS]

00:44:51   what impossible she said well somebody [TS]

00:44:54   just tried to buy gas with it in some [TS]

00:44:57   other or some neighboring town I was [TS]

00:45:00   like wow [TS]

00:45:00   let me let me get to the bottom of this [TS]

00:45:02   and so I wake up and I go downstairs [TS]

00:45:04   because you know when I come into the [TS]

00:45:06   house the first thing i do is take off [TS]

00:45:08   my pants uh-huh so my pants are down [TS]

00:45:12   stairs my get downstairs and I'm I'm [TS]

00:45:16   still asleep and I'm looking around and [TS]

00:45:18   like the back door is open and then I [TS]

00:45:22   realized that the house has been rifled [TS]

00:45:25   and i'm on the phone with american [TS]

00:45:28   express and I'm like my house has been [TS]

00:45:30   robbed and she's like oh I'm sorry [TS]

00:45:33   well do you want us to cancel the card I [TS]

00:45:35   was like yes cancel everything and then [TS]

00:45:38   I'm standing there in the early morning [TS]

00:45:40   with the realization that while i was in [TS]

00:45:43   the house i had been broken into and [TS]

00:45:48   ransacked and i had heard them and I [TS]

00:45:53   thought it was the possum and I rolled [TS]

00:45:55   over and went back to sleep after two [TS]

00:46:00   decades of hyper nighttime vigilance [TS]

00:46:05   where I was up a perimeter checking [TS]

00:46:10   walking around my yard in a bathrobe and [TS]

00:46:12   a sword [TS]

00:46:13   nothing happened in any of the [TS]

00:46:16   neighborhood's I've lived in at night [TS]

00:46:17   with where I didn't know it watch it [TS]

00:46:21   report on it this one instance where the [TS]

00:46:26   possum had distracted me with her with [TS]

00:46:31   her occupation I rolled over and went [TS]

00:46:34   back to sleep [TS]

00:46:35   the one time I have been like robbed [TS]

00:46:39   while I'm in the house and so of course [TS]

00:46:42   it's a it's feeling a violation but more [TS]

00:46:47   than that like it is [TS]

00:46:49   totally against my brand like I'm [TS]

00:46:55   sitting upstairs in a room literally [TS]

00:46:57   bristling with weapons [TS]

00:47:01   I've been in some ways waiting for [TS]

00:47:04   someone to break into my house for the [TS]

00:47:06   last 20 years so that i could choose the [TS]

00:47:09   saber and here i am just like the [TS]

00:47:16   fucking possum [TS]

00:47:17   it's some kind of mind to treat twister [TS]

00:47:21   ooh and so then I realized should i'm [TS]

00:47:25   leaving on the cruise tomorrow at 7am [TS]

00:47:27   and i'm searching my house and they [TS]

00:47:30   stoled my passport they stole my [TS]

00:47:33   passport and my wallet which had all my [TS]

00:47:36   ID in it they stole my computer which i [TS]

00:47:40   didn't care about or my uh ipad which I [TS]

00:47:44   didn't care about they stole my entire [TS]

00:47:47   sonos stereo system you're kidding [TS]

00:47:52   the whole thing they SAT and took the [TS]

00:47:53   time to unhook the whole sort of thought [TS]

00:47:55   no one was home [TS]

00:47:57   well but they never came up stairs and [TS]

00:47:59   upstairs i have that's the real vault [TS]

00:48:02   enough said so they knew I was on so I [TS]

00:48:11   call the cops and also in addition to [TS]

00:48:14   that stuff they took my challenge coins [TS]

00:48:18   they took a box of my dad's political [TS]

00:48:23   lapel pins and type ad tight acts like [TS]

00:48:27   Hubert Humphrey tie tack and uh you know [TS]

00:48:32   like Truman beats Dewey lapel button all [TS]

00:48:38   this you know this this whole like a box [TS]

00:48:41   of little pins that he collected and [TS]

00:48:46   then I collected took that [TS]

00:48:49   took like some like a collection of [TS]

00:48:54   foreign currency that wasn't worth [TS]

00:48:57   anything it was just a collection of [TS]

00:48:58   foreign currency and they took my [TS]

00:49:01   hundred ounce silver ingot that i was [TS]

00:49:04   using as a doorstop that for 20 years [TS]

00:49:07   I've been using as a doorstop and my mom [TS]

00:49:09   has said over the whole 20 years [TS]

00:49:11   somebody's gonna steal that one of these [TS]

00:49:13   days and I'm like nobody knows what it [TS]

00:49:15   is a 200-ounce ingot like no crook is [TS]

00:49:22   going to know what it is it's just a [TS]

00:49:24   just a punk [TS]

00:49:25   well they do what it was and they took [TS]

00:49:28   it and so but of all everything I most [TS]

00:49:33   devastated by the passport because a i'm [TS]

00:49:36   traveling out of the country in a day [TS]

00:49:37   but be that passport was in its it was [TS]

00:49:43   trending toward its retirement [TS]

00:49:46   it's got all the stamps everything it's [TS]

00:49:49   the passport is nine years and six [TS]

00:49:51   months old it is this trip I was the [TS]

00:49:54   jungle cruise was going to be the last [TS]

00:49:56   time I traveled on it and then it was [TS]

00:49:58   going to go in the shoebox I was going [TS]

00:50:00   to get a new one it had stamps of all [TS]

00:50:04   the rock-and-roll touring it had stamped [TS]

00:50:07   from from not just from South America [TS]

00:50:10   but from all of the other from the time [TS]

00:50:12   i went to an easy chair and Djibouti and [TS]

00:50:15   Ethiopia just recently it was very [TS]

00:50:18   important to be in this path all gone [TS]

00:50:21   and so I spent that entire day running [TS]

00:50:26   around town I went to the DMV and I was [TS]

00:50:28   like I need your driver's license and i [TS]

00:50:29   SAT for the photograph and filled out [TS]

00:50:33   all the forms and then i went up to the [TS]

00:50:35   counter I was like great can I get this [TS]

00:50:36   enhanced drivers license because that [TS]

00:50:39   will at least allow me to everyone that [TS]

00:50:40   has the passport billions [TS]

00:50:42   yeah and they said Oh we'll send it to [TS]

00:50:44   you in 15 days and I was like what [TS]

00:50:46   now I just want to I just spent two [TS]

00:50:48   hours at the DM fucking be and your and [TS]

00:50:52   you can't give it to me today and [TS]

00:50:53   they're like what [TS]

00:50:54   No [TS]

00:50:54   and ice and I'm thinking back to like my [TS]

00:50:57   first driver's license [TS]

00:50:59   I'm thinking back to all the drivers [TS]

00:51:01   licenses i have had over the years and [TS]

00:51:03   and I'm not crazy [TS]

00:51:05   they used to give them to you right then [TS]

00:51:07   they would take your picture they would [TS]

00:51:09   laminate them [TS]

00:51:10   it did rain funny you want you want to [TS]

00:51:12   come out a little dingus here you go [TS]

00:51:14   and they're like no no nowadays we mail [TS]

00:51:16   them to you 15 days around like this [TS]

00:51:17   doesn't help me i'm burning daylight [TS]

00:51:19   here so I run down to the passport [TS]

00:51:24   office and I'm like look I know you can [TS]

00:51:26   expedite this can you do it in to do it [TS]

00:51:29   today and they're like oh sure for 11 [TS]

00:51:32   hundred dollars or whatever I was like [TS]

00:51:35   okay let's do it and then i'm down at [TS]

00:51:37   the getting my picture taken at a kinkos [TS]

00:51:39   I'm just I'm so frazzled by this point [TS]

00:51:42   but i do get a passport and I am and I [TS]

00:51:47   and I question whether i should go right [TS]

00:51:49   of course I i was amazed that you came [TS]

00:51:52   it was like I'm gonna go on the cruise [TS]

00:51:54   like I'm just gonna there's nothing i [TS]

00:51:57   can do I can't hunt for the burglar [TS]

00:52:00   I don't know how you did that I mean [TS]

00:52:01   when I heard this I think probably from [TS]

00:52:04   Jonathan I or maybe maybe Paul that [TS]

00:52:08   anyway I was just like I was just [TS]

00:52:10   sitting there thinking like I got you [TS]

00:52:11   know you know me like before i travel i [TS]

00:52:12   mean I'm frenetic about everything and [TS]

00:52:14   yeah the money stuff in the time stuff [TS]

00:52:17   and everything stuff and I just cannot [TS]

00:52:19   imagine you knowing that like you didn't [TS]

00:52:20   have credit cards you didn't have ID and [TS]

00:52:23   just if anything else just a sense of [TS]

00:52:24   like wanting to let go [TS]

00:52:25   burrow into your bed with a sword and [TS]

00:52:28   and like this process what happened I [TS]

00:52:31   couldn't believe you were able to walk [TS]

00:52:32   away without really processing that well [TS]

00:52:35   and in a way it was a lesson for me of [TS]

00:52:37   like how all this talk that we have done [TS]

00:52:40   over the years about the materialism [TS]

00:52:45   that has infected my life my thrifting a [TS]

00:52:49   habit and the fact that I I no longer [TS]

00:52:54   have five personal items that I have [TS]

00:52:57   imbued with significance i have 500 that [TS]

00:53:00   I have imbued with all the significance [TS]

00:53:02   it's like this thing and that thing and [TS]

00:53:04   that thing and remember the time I [TS]

00:53:05   bought that thing and this was the play [TS]

00:53:07   know what I [TS]

00:53:08   my first kiss when i had my first case [TS]

00:53:11   kiss in april of last year I had this [TS]

00:53:13   thing on [TS]

00:53:15   you know just like this mania of [TS]

00:53:17   attaching emotional significance to [TS]

00:53:20   physical objects as a way of keeping the [TS]

00:53:22   demon dogs at bay but in that moment I [TS]

00:53:25   realized I don't give a shit about [TS]

00:53:26   anything like it all burns down i don't [TS]

00:53:28   care i just want that passport back [TS]

00:53:30   because it has the that really does have [TS]

00:53:33   emotional significance and you know and [TS]

00:53:37   that surrounds that silver bar because i [TS]

00:53:40   bought in 1982 with the money I saved [TS]

00:53:42   from mowing lawns but like computer [TS]

00:53:45   who cares burn it and and so I just said [TS]

00:53:52   I'm leaving and I don't know I had a [TS]

00:53:53   very interesting conversation with the [TS]

00:53:55   police they showed up right away I was a [TS]

00:53:58   female lead officer who said well this [TS]

00:54:01   is probably a method to come into a [TS]

00:54:04   house where there's someone inside is [TS]

00:54:07   totally desperate behavior this person [TS]

00:54:11   is going to end up dead or these people [TS]

00:54:13   are going to end up dead it's insane to [TS]

00:54:16   do and so it has to just be drugs and [TS]

00:54:19   but the problem was it was it was [TS]

00:54:23   diabolical this person found the one [TS]

00:54:25   window in my house that didn't have an [TS]

00:54:29   alarm on it that was where the where the [TS]

00:54:32   windowsill was a little bit rotten or [TS]

00:54:35   dry rotted because all the windows in [TS]

00:54:37   the house are original and they took a [TS]

00:54:40   footlocker off of my porch moved it [TS]

00:54:44   around under the window jammed a shovel [TS]

00:54:48   that they found in my barn [TS]

00:54:50   oh my god pop the window and so I would [TS]

00:54:55   end they waited for my timed lights that [TS]

00:54:59   I have around the house to go off which [TS]

00:55:01   they went off it they go they were time [TS]

00:55:02   to go off at 3am and so my sense was [TS]

00:55:05   holy ship at my house has been cased [TS]

00:55:08   they've been watching me for weeks i had [TS]

00:55:11   no idea I was scanning my brain for like [TS]

00:55:13   have there been any suspicious cars i [TS]

00:55:15   would have noticed because this is my [TS]

00:55:17   brand right [TS]

00:55:19   who are these [TS]

00:55:21   geniuses and then the suggestion arose I [TS]

00:55:24   forget who made it first but it was made [TS]

00:55:27   by several people do you think it's a [TS]

00:55:30   rock on the line listener because the [TS]

00:55:33   items they took are exactly the things [TS]

00:55:38   that up that a either crazy or [TS]

00:55:42   diabolical Roderick on the line listener [TS]

00:55:45   would take your silver bar your passport [TS]

00:55:48   your dad's political pins [TS]

00:55:51   this is like crazy land maybe it's some [TS]

00:55:56   radical the line mr. who has [TS]

00:55:58   triangulated to your house and is either [TS]

00:56:02   obsessed or is so is such a criminal [TS]

00:56:09   mastermind that they are doing this to [TS]

00:56:12   get your attention as some kind of like [TS]

00:56:15   like they are mind gaming you and I was [TS]

00:56:20   like oh no I cannot consider that [TS]

00:56:22   possibility because I know there are a [TS]

00:56:24   lot of very smart rhetoric on the line [TS]

00:56:26   listeners who have myriad talents i do [TS]

00:56:31   not want to think about this so i went [TS]

00:56:34   on the cruise [TS]

00:56:35   well how'd you how'd you how'd you end [TS]

00:56:37   up on that theory [TS]

00:56:38   I mean did you did you do it had you at [TS]

00:56:41   length discarded that I mean it's just [TS]

00:56:43   that the the I mean is there a chance I [TS]

00:56:45   know this sounds like a long shot but if [TS]

00:56:47   it is somebody who's you know a method [TS]

00:56:50   as they say is there a chance they just [TS]

00:56:52   got really lucky [TS]

00:56:53   well I dismissed that possibility above [TS]

00:56:56   all else I imagined that it was three [TS]

00:56:59   people because of the way the house was [TS]

00:57:03   rifled I just felt like their unhooking [TS]

00:57:07   the sono system-based another that they [TS]

00:57:10   had staged a guitar by the back door but [TS]

00:57:12   I think I probably rustled in bed or [TS]

00:57:15   they got spooked or something and they [TS]

00:57:16   ran out but not before all and they [TS]

00:57:19   stole my filson bag which I think they [TS]

00:57:23   probably put everything in order that [TS]

00:57:25   they put the ingot and the passport in [TS]

00:57:27   took the Wilson [TS]

00:57:29   anyway so i came back i had to go [TS]

00:57:32   through all the rigmarole i went to the [TS]

00:57:35   bathroom and got a costco card got all [TS]

00:57:38   my new credit cards all changed all my [TS]

00:57:41   passwords had to go in and change all [TS]

00:57:45   the auto payments to the new credit [TS]

00:57:47   cards just a man major hassle but the [TS]

00:57:49   worst part was even though i goin on the [TS]

00:57:53   cruise was gone for whatever 10 days [TS]

00:57:55   after the theft when I came back the [TS]

00:57:57   feeling it was still very raw [TS]

00:57:59   I couldn't sleep at night I was that it [TS]

00:58:07   wasn't just that i was waking up at [TS]

00:58:08   night i would just lay there and [TS]

00:58:09   couldn't sleep i was waiting for them to [TS]

00:58:12   come back [TS]

00:58:13   also they took my car keys and had [TS]

00:58:17   ransacked the car [TS]

00:58:19   oh my god so this is this is why i'm [TS]

00:58:22   thinking like there's gotta be three of [TS]

00:58:23   them there wasn't anything in the car [TS]

00:58:25   except they accept some like Chinese [TS]

00:58:28   money that they took I was like all [TS]

00:58:33   right good luck spending that they don't [TS]

00:58:37   they're not even really uh that's not [TS]

00:58:39   even real money they're not even on Iran [TS]

00:58:40   a real international exchange rate [TS]

00:58:42   anyway so I didn't sleep for months [TS]

00:58:46   honestly and i reinforced all the [TS]

00:58:50   windows on the house and I read up call [TS]

00:58:53   the all the Tiger traps and I just like [TS]

00:58:57   but it but I never felt safe and [TS]

00:59:01   fortunately that night my daughter [TS]

00:59:03   wasn't staying there it was just me [TS]

00:59:05   alone in the house that night but I just [TS]

00:59:09   felt always a little bit on edge and I [TS]

00:59:12   was I was scanning my neighbors faces [TS]

00:59:15   like you know it was bad right [TS]

00:59:20   ok so i run for office attention [TS]

00:59:22   especially one thing of course um I mean [TS]

00:59:25   you always hear the stories about what [TS]

00:59:26   please tell you about well how it's [TS]

00:59:28   likely to go one way or another [TS]

00:59:29   what was the general prognosis from the [TS]

00:59:32   police about catching the person and [TS]

00:59:34   potentially getting any stuff back so a [TS]

00:59:36   couple things that the officer the [TS]

00:59:38   Seattle officer said they took your car [TS]

00:59:41   keys and that means two nights from now [TS]

00:59:42   there [TS]

00:59:43   come steal your car so you gotta get [TS]

00:59:44   your cart you get your car rekey and so [TS]

00:59:49   there were a lot of things that I had to [TS]

00:59:52   do I had to set in motion before I went [TS]

00:59:55   on the cruise I called some friends I [TS]

00:59:56   was like can you get my car rekeyed can [TS]

00:59:58   you get my house rekeyed [TS]

00:59:58   you get my house rekeyed [TS]

01:00:00   because they stole the house keys to and [TS]

01:00:03   my a by good friends were like yes this [TS]

01:00:06   is a pain in the ass but i understand [TS]

01:00:08   and i will do these things for you and [TS]

01:00:10   so my car got rekeyed my house got [TS]

01:00:12   rekeyed while I was gone [TS]

01:00:13   the detective not detective I'm sorry [TS]

01:00:16   that you know the patrol officer found a [TS]

01:00:19   pair of rubber gloves in the guard and [TS]

01:00:22   she said oh this is good because [TS]

01:00:25   typically they wear rubber gloves to [TS]

01:00:28   avoid leaving fingerprints and then they [TS]

01:00:30   take the rubber gloves off and throw [TS]

01:00:31   them on the ground which now have which [TS]

01:00:33   have fingerprints and so we're going to [TS]

01:00:35   take the fingerprints and we're going to [TS]

01:00:37   you know start a case and burp [TS]

01:00:39   interpreter you probably never see this [TS]

01:00:42   stuff again but it'll be you know if we [TS]

01:00:45   if we get a match we can prosecute so [TS]

01:00:48   when I got back I called the detective [TS]

01:00:50   that it had been assigned to got the [TS]

01:00:53   detectives voicemail left a voicemail [TS]

01:00:54   never got a call back [TS]

01:00:56   I had I'd catalogued all the serial [TS]

01:00:59   numbers of the things i sent them i [TS]

01:01:01   called pawn shops around no hits so i [TS]

01:01:09   reconciled myself to the fact that these [TS]

01:01:13   things were gone but all year [TS]

01:01:15   I'm walking around I'm thinking passport [TS]

01:01:18   come back to me can if you can find me [TS]

01:01:22   find me because i lost my first Passport [TS]

01:01:28   I was at a house party in in moscow [TS]

01:01:30   idaho in 1990 and i lost my first [TS]

01:01:32   passport and that passport had all the [TS]

01:01:36   stamp set from my first trip overseas [TS]

01:01:38   which was back during a time when you [TS]

01:01:42   still got a passport stamped when you [TS]

01:01:44   went from port from portugal spain or [TS]

01:01:46   you still got a passport stamp when you [TS]

01:01:48   went from France to Belgium like they're [TS]

01:01:50   still passport controls between all [TS]

01:01:52   those European countries that now there [TS]

01:01:54   are none so I was getting all these what [TS]

01:01:57   I later learned to treasure which was [TS]

01:02:01   these old fashions and like just prior [TS]

01:02:05   to the institution of the European Union [TS]

01:02:09   passport stamps including morocco I got [TS]

01:02:13   there's a visa and therefore algeria [TS]

01:02:15   back in the eighties you know and I went [TS]

01:02:19   to East Germany several times East [TS]

01:02:23   Berlin like all this stuff in there and [TS]

01:02:27   I'll unlost this fucking Passport at a [TS]

01:02:30   party because i was drunk and who knows [TS]

01:02:36   and it has haunted me that this because [TS]

01:02:40   i have all my dad's passports i have my [TS]

01:02:42   dad's first passport from 1948 and and [TS]

01:02:46   every subsequent renewal of his passport [TS]

01:02:48   I it's like it makes a little book not a [TS]

01:02:52   little book a big book and and i love [TS]

01:02:56   them i love his old passports and I [TS]

01:02:59   wanted the same collection for myself [TS]

01:03:01   and the first one that the you know the [TS]

01:03:04   foundation the Keystone is gone and now [TS]

01:03:09   I'd lost my second one and it actually I [TS]

01:03:12   mean I have one in the middle i have a [TS]

01:03:14   have right have expected that would be [TS]

01:03:16   the other one from the walk [TS]

01:03:17   that's the one from the walk from the [TS]

01:03:19   early days of rock-and-roll touring I [TS]

01:03:21   mean that's the that's a key key key one [TS]

01:03:24   but then I lost my third passport and [TS]

01:03:27   and when i was on the cruise I honestly [TS]

01:03:29   was having this was having this thing of [TS]

01:03:31   like god are you trying to teach me [TS]

01:03:34   something about the impermanence of [TS]

01:03:37   things are you trying to teach me that [TS]

01:03:40   that the passport is meaningless because [TS]

01:03:46   the memories matter and are you trying [TS]

01:03:49   to teach me that if the passport is [TS]

01:03:51   meaningless than all material items are [TS]

01:03:53   meaningless is this ugh is this you god [TS]

01:03:56   it's me margaret are you trying to just [TS]

01:04:01   slap me across the face with a fish [TS]

01:04:05   that's one thing to be taught a lesson [TS]

01:04:07   by God and nothing to not be sure what [TS]

01:04:10   the lesson is about or four [TS]

01:04:11   yeah yeah well that I feel like when [TS]

01:04:13   lessons usually have a reason when God [TS]

01:04:15   works it is in mysterious ways [TS]

01:04:17   who and i'm just i'm sitting on this [TS]

01:04:20   boat in the in the middle of the [TS]

01:04:21   Caribbean [TS]

01:04:23   can still showered in privileged intent [TS]

01:04:26   in my life is great but i'm asking God [TS]

01:04:30   the serious questions did are you [TS]

01:04:34   pranking me and it if so it is a bitter [TS]

01:04:39   pill to swallow [TS]

01:04:41   anyway so for the last nine months i [TS]

01:04:48   have been telepathically communicating [TS]

01:04:51   with my passport [TS]

01:04:52   I know you're out there i do not have [TS]

01:04:55   find my iphone for my passport and [TS]

01:04:58   frankly I find my apple stuff didn't [TS]

01:05:02   work because whoever stole these things [TS]

01:05:04   never turn them on [TS]

01:05:05   well yeah I'm sorry to interrupt your [TS]

01:05:09   belabor this but you know i mean my [TS]

01:05:11   sense is that when you've got things [TS]

01:05:14   like these property crimes you have a [TS]

01:05:17   window of almost no time to get any of [TS]

01:05:20   it back and that that means that [TS]

01:05:22   generally how it works we're talking [TS]

01:05:23   here about you know III don't know great [TS]

01:05:25   about how this works but it seems like [TS]

01:05:27   anything they're like what may be a [TS]

01:05:31   sonos sooner shows up you know in a pawn [TS]

01:05:34   shop or something with a weekend [TS]

01:05:36   yeah but I mean like maybe i just [TS]

01:05:37   watched too many you know movies about [TS]

01:05:41   New York but my sense is that people [TS]

01:05:42   grab the stuff is valuable and small [TS]

01:05:44   that you can sell quickly and then just [TS]

01:05:45   throw everything else away now because I [TS]

01:05:47   mean you know even if you're dealing [TS]

01:05:49   like why would you be carrying that [TS]

01:05:50   around going to sell the silver you're [TS]

01:05:52   gonna like four for twenty bucks or [TS]

01:05:53   whatever right isn't that how it works [TS]

01:05:55   I mean well you know why would any of [TS]

01:05:57   that stuff ever survived what you know [TS]

01:06:00   is praying to your passport or you know [TS]

01:06:02   community at that distance with it it's [TS]

01:06:05   hopeless [TS]

01:06:05   gesture right well so there are a couple [TS]

01:06:07   of their couple possibilities right [TS]

01:06:09   there this is person is a math person [TS]

01:06:10   and in which case they are just going to [TS]

01:06:13   take their stuff probably directly to [TS]

01:06:14   their dealer and say here is a laptop [TS]

01:06:18   will you give me some math and the [TS]

01:06:20   dealer will say yeah sure [TS]

01:06:21   and the dealer gives him one hundred [TS]

01:06:23   dollars worth of math [TS]

01:06:24   and the the junkie gives the dealer a [TS]

01:06:27   2200 dollar computer and then the dealer [TS]

01:06:31   is mobbed up with the network of fences [TS]

01:06:35   who the dealer will will get five [TS]

01:06:39   hundred dollars for it from somebody [TS]

01:06:41   now in this contemporary contemporary [TS]

01:06:45   world the world of John siracusa the [TS]

01:06:50   danger is that the laptop then we'll [TS]

01:06:55   make its way not to a pawn shop but to a [TS]

01:06:58   network of Russian hackers right who are [TS]

01:07:03   primarily interested in it for identity [TS]

01:07:05   theft and with that narrative running my [TS]

01:07:10   laptop my passport my wallet which [TS]

01:07:14   contains not only my enhanced drivers [TS]

01:07:16   license but also my goes card which is [TS]

01:07:21   the which is the secret government card [TS]

01:07:25   that allows me to go through passport [TS]

01:07:27   control in major airports without even [TS]

01:07:31   stopping where you just have been pre [TS]

01:07:34   security checked and you just hold up [TS]

01:07:36   this car to go bump and you are moving [TS]

01:07:39   right while while 800 people are lined [TS]

01:07:43   up to go through passport control it's [TS]

01:07:45   like you are done and so with a [TS]

01:07:48   combination of these things some Kenny [TS]

01:07:51   identity theft people could basically [TS]

01:07:55   get terrorists onto a plane they could [TS]

01:07:59   they could take it i start a business [TS]

01:08:02   under my name they could who knows what [TS]

01:08:07   they could completely take over my life [TS]

01:08:09   but it's more than all the physical [TS]

01:08:10   objects and then it gets into the the [TS]

01:08:12   ICC the identity stuff but like every [TS]

01:08:14   conceivable aspect of your life that can [TS]

01:08:17   be sold for parts could yeah and I'm [TS]

01:08:19   been so I'm picturing like some chop [TS]

01:08:22   house outside of Bangkok where they are [TS]

01:08:26   they are in sizing the picture out of my [TS]

01:08:30   ID and putting in putting in the picture [TS]

01:08:35   of [TS]

01:08:36   the shift and he is you know entering [TS]

01:08:42   the United States illegally to carry out [TS]

01:08:44   a extrajudicial assassination of some [TS]

01:08:46   kind and I'm just like oh this is bad [TS]

01:08:49   bad bad news if if this material makes [TS]

01:08:52   its way to an identity thief and just [TS]

01:08:54   like you with the mouse my ultimate [TS]

01:08:57   reaction to it was you know what if I [TS]

01:09:01   pretend the mouse isn't there maybe the [TS]

01:09:02   mouse isn't there isn't but the thing is [TS]

01:09:04   that's the thing about this is that you [TS]

01:09:06   don't you don't know it i mean any part [TS]

01:09:10   of your your your normal rational brain [TS]

01:09:12   somebody was telling you this story you [TS]

01:09:14   go that's that shit's all gone in a dump [TS]

01:09:15   somewhere [TS]

01:09:16   yeah right by the rational part the [TS]

01:09:18   rational part would go well obviously [TS]

01:09:19   it's you know Oliver Occam's razor like [TS]

01:09:22   the simple solution for this is that [TS]

01:09:24   it's all just it's in a landfill except [TS]

01:09:27   the guy thought whoever he or they were [TS]

01:09:30   they thought to take the passport [TS]

01:09:33   it's not like they were just sweeping [TS]

01:09:35   stuff in like the passport was separate [TS]

01:09:38   from all the other things in its own [TS]

01:09:39   location they recognized it's value and [TS]

01:09:43   it's only value was for this that like [TS]

01:09:46   this person realizes that somewhere [TS]

01:09:49   between his dealer and the world [TS]

01:09:51   offenses there's value in a in a pallet [TS]

01:09:55   like you think that person might have [TS]

01:09:56   known that there's a potential market [TS]

01:09:57   for this [TS]

01:09:58   oh absolutely they didn't take it [TS]

01:09:59   because they were like enamored with my [TS]

01:10:01   visa from Djibouti they were like this [TS]

01:10:05   has value and they made a mistake with [TS]

01:10:07   like the challenge coins like my [TS]

01:10:10   challenge coin from the from the drone [TS]

01:10:12   base in Ethiopia doesn't really have [TS]

01:10:16   much value it is just shiny and that's [TS]

01:10:20   what made me feel like it was [TS]

01:10:21   potentially someone like a rock on the [TS]

01:10:24   line listener who had gone to the dark [TS]

01:10:25   side who was either insane to begin with [TS]

01:10:28   or had been driven insane by our program [TS]

01:10:32   this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

01:10:34   brought to you by Squarespace you can [TS]

01:10:36   learn more about Squarespace right now [TS]

01:10:38   by pointing your web browser at [TS]

01:10:40   squarespace.com many of you know I've [TS]

01:10:43   been a huge fan and evangelists a square [TS]

01:10:45   space for over five years now it's not [TS]

01:10:47   only the place that I use for hosting [TS]

01:10:49   many of my own sites and yes my own [TS]

01:10:51   podcast it's also the first place that i [TS]

01:10:53   recommend for anyone wanting due to do [TS]

01:10:55   the same you're using square space right [TS]

01:10:57   now if you're listening to this program [TS]

01:10:58   and I assume you are cause you can hear [TS]

01:10:59   my voice this is hosted on Squarespace [TS]

01:11:01   John I like it that much [TS]

01:11:04   Squarespace sites are professionally [TS]

01:11:05   designed masterpieces [TS]

01:11:07   they look great right out of the box [TS]

01:11:08   regardless of your skill level there's [TS]

01:11:10   zero coding notary required they offer [TS]

01:11:13   intuitive and easy-to-use tools that [TS]

01:11:16   take all of the pain out of getting your [TS]

01:11:17   stuff up [TS]

01:11:19   Squarespace also has state-of-the-art [TS]

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01:11:24   Squarespace is trusted by millions of [TS]

01:11:27   people and some of the most respected [TS]

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01:11:31   is that Squarespace plans start at a [TS]

01:11:33   very affordable eight dollars per month [TS]

01:11:35   and that price even includes a free [TS]

01:11:38   domain name if you sign up for a year so [TS]

01:11:40   please check these folks out and tell [TS]

01:11:42   your friends to try it you can start [TS]

01:11:43   your free trial site today no credit [TS]

01:11:45   card required by visiting [TS]

01:11:46   squarespace.com when you decide to sign [TS]

01:11:49   up and stay with squarespace make sure [TS]

01:11:51   to use that offer code supertrain [TS]

01:11:52   that'll get you ten percent off your [TS]

01:11:54   first purchase our thanks to squarespace [TS]

01:11:57   for supporting Roderick online and all [TS]

01:11:59   the great shows [TS]

01:12:00   Squarespace build it beautiful and they [TS]

01:12:04   were like I am collecting memorabilia of [TS]

01:12:07   John Roderick from his own house in [TS]

01:12:11   order to in order to build a scarecrow a [TS]

01:12:14   golem of him [TS]

01:12:16   I don't want to hear but that's right [TS]

01:12:17   like i'm gonna i am going to build an [TS]

01:12:19   effigy of him which I then use black [TS]

01:12:22   magic to turn in hair off a brush [TS]

01:12:24   yeah yeah right exactly I had no idea [TS]

01:12:26   because you're trying to figure out what [TS]

01:12:28   they stole two and it's like to think [TS]

01:12:30   how many scrabble games that i have i [TS]

01:12:32   fired for scrabble games did they take a [TS]

01:12:34   scrabble game that would be an [TS]

01:12:36   indication that it is that it is a [TS]

01:12:38   unhinged podcast fan because that [TS]

01:12:42   doesn't have any value on the open [TS]

01:12:44   anyway [TS]

01:12:50   four days ago I'm sitting right here at [TS]

01:12:54   my desk in my office looking at bring a [TS]

01:12:56   trailer looking at a picture of a 1978 [TS]

01:12:59   mazda RX five and the phone rings and [TS]

01:13:04   it's another instance it rarely happens [TS]

01:13:06   but it's an instance where I pick up the [TS]

01:13:07   phone like that's a weird why am i [TS]

01:13:10   getting a phone number from a unknown [TS]

01:13:12   caller and the guys this John Rocker I'm [TS]

01:13:18   like yeah and he says hi this is [TS]

01:13:19   detective sakamoto from the renton [TS]

01:13:23   Police Department I'm like the renton [TS]

01:13:25   police department and that worries me [TS]

01:13:27   because my house is close enough to [TS]

01:13:29   renton and he says I think i have a [TS]

01:13:32   bunch of your stuff and I'm like what [TS]

01:13:35   he's like yeah I got a passport here and [TS]

01:13:39   like some kind of giant a really heavy [TS]

01:13:43   chunk of metal that has a bunch of [TS]

01:13:46   serial numbers on it what and a ipad and [TS]

01:13:51   some other shit stacks of shit and I'm [TS]

01:13:56   like or a UH are you serious [TS]

01:13:59   he's like you've got all this stuff and [TS]

01:14:00   I'm like oh where did you find it and he [TS]

01:14:05   proceeds to tell me a story [TS]

01:14:07   my house was broken into january [TS]

01:14:12   thirtieth on january 31st the day that I [TS]

01:14:21   left on the cruise a patrolman in [TS]

01:14:26   written the near a nearby town sees a [TS]

01:14:32   guy sleeping in a car the cars running [TS]

01:14:35   and apparently in police land if you're [TS]

01:14:39   sleeping in a running car that is [TS]

01:14:41   suspicious [TS]

01:14:42   that's suspicious enough for an officer [TS]

01:14:44   to pull up and say what's going on which [TS]

01:14:46   is funny because i have many many many [TS]

01:14:49   times in my life been asleep in a in a [TS]

01:14:52   parked car [TS]

01:14:54   never been passed by a cop but there's [TS]

01:14:56   the situation the cop says huh guy [TS]

01:15:00   sleeping in a car goes overlooks sees [TS]

01:15:02   that the ignition of the car has been [TS]

01:15:04   jimmied says well that's enough [TS]

01:15:06   suspicion to feel like this is a stolen [TS]

01:15:08   car and it is he arrest the guy for car [TS]

01:15:13   theft because it i'll just learned it's [TS]

01:15:16   not illegal to be in a stolen car it is [TS]

01:15:20   illegal to be in a stolen car if there [TS]

01:15:21   is enough sign that the car is stolen [TS]

01:15:23   because you could legitimately claim hey [TS]

01:15:27   I didn't know it was stolen [TS]

01:15:28   a guy gave it to me I mean like isn't [TS]

01:15:30   just how are you see you under arrest [TS]

01:15:32   for suspicion of stealing heart but if [TS]

01:15:35   if if you're in a car and the instead of [TS]

01:15:38   an ignition key it has a kitchen knife [TS]

01:15:41   great then it's fairly reasonable to [TS]

01:15:45   conclude that you know it's stolen and [TS]

01:15:46   therefore you are the stealer of it so [TS]

01:15:49   they arrest this guy for stealing a car [TS]

01:15:51   and he's got a meth pipe in the car so [TS]

01:15:56   that compounds the problem for him and [TS]

01:15:58   they impound the car and they process [TS]

01:16:01   the sky for car theft and they [TS]

01:16:03   prosecuted for it they sent him to jail [TS]

01:16:10   and then nine months go by and detective [TS]

01:16:17   akimoto is sitting in his at his desk he [TS]

01:16:19   is a car theft detective and he gets a [TS]

01:16:24   call from the property room now in [TS]

01:16:27   october and they say 1000 that case is [TS]

01:16:33   closed and we're cleaning out of the [TS]

01:16:35   shelves and we're going to send all this [TS]

01:16:38   stuff to the dump or to the auction [TS]

01:16:39   house but there's enough like there's [TS]

01:16:44   like paperwork here ideas and stuff you [TS]

01:16:47   might be able to find this guy and [TS]

01:16:49   detective okamoto says what what is all [TS]

01:16:51   that they're like always in the trunk my [TS]

01:16:53   god nobody connected the stolen car to [TS]

01:17:00   the trunk full of what is clearly [TS]

01:17:03   somebody else's shit maybe the car [TS]

01:17:05   stealer is also a house [TS]

01:17:07   dealer no one at the police department [TS]

01:17:12   that's sure not your detective work [TS]

01:17:14   their lives [TS]

01:17:15   nobody does the policing oh my goodness [TS]

01:17:18   and I thing is I don't know I i enjoyed [TS]

01:17:21   talking to Detective okamoto I learned [TS]

01:17:23   that he commutes to work on a recumbent [TS]

01:17:26   bicycle but what I did not learn from [TS]

01:17:31   anyone there the rent police department [TS]

01:17:33   was how you would put a bin of a shit [TS]

01:17:40   including other people's wallets and [TS]

01:17:43   passports and not do a little bit of [TS]

01:17:47   research just all went on a shelf [TS]

01:17:49   somewhere so innovative is the password [TS]

01:17:53   the passport is in there [TS]

01:17:54   the passport is there your passport with [TS]

01:17:56   your name on it and your photograph and [TS]

01:17:59   information about you was in that [TS]

01:18:00   passport and we never thought to track [TS]

01:18:03   down that you might want it back [TS]

01:18:05   not only my passport but my enhanced [TS]

01:18:06   drivers license which also has my [TS]

01:18:09   address on it which is about two miles [TS]

01:18:11   from where the police are you kidding me [TS]

01:18:13   no ah [TS]

01:18:15   it also has my goes card which i have to [TS]

01:18:18   say i called be a department of homeland [TS]

01:18:22   security four separate times to cancel [TS]

01:18:24   my ghost card and the first time it was [TS]

01:18:26   immediately afterwards and I was like [TS]

01:18:28   this is an emergency they have my ghost [TS]

01:18:29   card they could be using it to [TS]

01:18:31   infiltrate al-qaeda members to the [TS]

01:18:34   United States and I called the number [TS]

01:18:36   and the phone picked up and went through [TS]

01:18:41   have a rear but our department of [TS]

01:18:44   homeland security [TS]

01:18:47   it's like a fucking cassette tape and so [TS]

01:18:53   I sat on the Department of Homeland [TS]

01:18:55   Security cassette tape phone tree for 45 [TS]

01:18:58   minutes where they're playing like you [TS]

01:19:02   know like Elton John's lucy in the sky [TS]

01:19:04   with diamonds and I was finally I was [TS]

01:19:08   like hey I got other shit to do and I [TS]

01:19:10   and I got off the phone tree i did that [TS]

01:19:13   three more times trying to call the [TS]

01:19:15   Department of Homeland Security to [TS]

01:19:16   cancel this incredibly important and [TS]

01:19:18   sensitive document and I finally [TS]

01:19:21   surrendered and just said you know what [TS]

01:19:22   if al-qaeda gets into the country by [TS]

01:19:25   using my ghost card i did that [TS]

01:19:28   responsibility is shared between me and [TS]

01:19:31   the Department of fucking Homeland [TS]

01:19:32   Security a an organization i already [TS]

01:19:35   have a lot of suspicions about anyway my [TS]

01:19:37   ghost card is in there too and I never [TS]

01:19:39   cancelled it so dr. Donna nothing made [TS]

01:19:42   it to the the Indian chop shop so what [TS]

01:19:45   made it to the Indian chop shop was my [TS]

01:19:46   laptop which i am a 100-percent sure he [TS]

01:19:50   took immediately to the dealer was just [TS]

01:19:52   like your laptop give me some crank and [TS]

01:19:54   the dealers like here's some crank and [TS]

01:19:55   the laptop just made its way into not [TS]

01:19:58   any kind of identity ring but just like [TS]

01:20:00   a macbook air you can sell those for [TS]

01:20:03   something and it just went to some you [TS]

01:20:07   know like thing is written cops didn't [TS]

01:20:09   even talk to seattle cops the Seattle [TS]

01:20:11   cops were in the process of processing [TS]

01:20:14   the burglary while the written cops were [TS]

01:20:17   putting the stuff from the burglary on a [TS]

01:20:19   shelf [TS]

01:20:20   I don't know how to feel like I really [TS]

01:20:24   like detective okamoto and I'm even now [TS]

01:20:26   picturing him riding to work in the rain [TS]

01:20:27   with his head his helmet which has a [TS]

01:20:30   little review mirror on it maybe a GoPro [TS]

01:20:32   a good idea of investigate cars that's [TS]

01:20:35   all day not having a car [TS]

01:20:36   mm there's something really really [TS]

01:20:38   satisfactory about that and I said you [TS]

01:20:40   ride this thing you write this recumbent [TS]

01:20:42   bike to work every morning and he said [TS]

01:20:43   well in all honesty I put it on the [TS]

01:20:45   train I take it I take the train and [TS]

01:20:49   then I ride the recumbent bike from the [TS]

01:20:50   transition to the police station and I'm [TS]

01:20:52   like you are really he's a japanese [TS]

01:20:54   company like you are a Northwest a rich [TS]

01:20:58   all my friends good on you but the [TS]

01:21:03   policing is where I feel like there is [TS]

01:21:06   some improvement that could be done and [TS]

01:21:08   I don't know if it's your fault or the [TS]

01:21:09   patrol officers fault or or the way you [TS]

01:21:12   run the property crimes division or I [TS]

01:21:14   don't know who holds responsible but i [TS]

01:21:16   think what it was was this was this went [TS]

01:21:19   into the system as a car theft and then [TS]

01:21:22   the car theft people handle things a [TS]

01:21:24   certain way and whoever put it in as a [TS]

01:21:27   car that didn't also include or you know [TS]

01:21:30   I don't know they impounded the car [TS]

01:21:31   somebody I don't know I cannot fathom [TS]

01:21:34   but you got your passport back so I go [TS]

01:21:38   down there and I just get all the stuff [TS]

01:21:40   so what they what I just have been so [TS]

01:21:42   surreal John totally surreal and [TS]

01:21:44   including my dad's box of pins like my [TS]

01:21:48   uh challenge coins my Chinese money the [TS]

01:21:55   only things that didn't make it back to [TS]

01:21:59   me where my macbook air as i said and my [TS]

01:22:03   taxi wallet the entire contents of the [TS]

01:22:08   wallet minus the money was there all the [TS]

01:22:13   credit cards all that someone took out [TS]

01:22:16   all the stuff in your wallet and took [TS]

01:22:19   the wallet that's how good taxi wallets [TS]

01:22:22   are and my filson briefcase and when I [TS]

01:22:28   when the cops were investigating the [TS]

01:22:29   crime when they were watering around my [TS]

01:22:31   house and I was like I think they took [TS]

01:22:33   my sonos and they took my silver bar and [TS]

01:22:37   of course the cops were like oh really a [TS]

01:22:40   hundred ounce silver bar how convenient [TS]

01:22:41   it and I'm like no seriously i had a [TS]

01:22:44   hundred ounce silver bar use it as a [TS]

01:22:45   doorstop in there like uh huh [TS]

01:22:47   really anything that did you also get [TS]

01:22:49   your Rothko sir [TS]

01:22:50   yeah did they take your Hope Diamond [TS]

01:22:51   like go fucking seriously since look at [TS]

01:22:57   it since I was one of the first things I [TS]

01:22:59   bought with my own money and they're [TS]

01:23:00   like oh really and I might look around [TS]

01:23:02   the house there are dolls of all the [TS]

01:23:05   United States Presidents here [TS]

01:23:06   do you really find the their appearances [TS]

01:23:08   there is a pair of crossed snowshoes [TS]

01:23:11   above the [TS]

01:23:11   above the fireplace do you really [TS]

01:23:13   believe that I don't have a hundred [TS]

01:23:14   ounce silver bar and the cop had to [TS]

01:23:16   concede like oh yeah I guess I see how [TS]

01:23:18   it fits into your decor but then I said [TS]

01:23:21   I lost a filter filter briefcase and the [TS]

01:23:23   cop said oh yeah they always steal the [TS]

01:23:26   field fills and stuff [TS]

01:23:27   wow I was like really they're like oh [TS]

01:23:29   yeah it's very identifiable and there's [TS]

01:23:31   a there's a huge after market for it [TS]

01:23:34   that's amazing are you kidding me so I [TS]

01:23:37   see this I see this guy oh so here's the [TS]

01:23:39   thing detective okamoto says the burglar [TS]

01:23:44   was Cambodia or location Laotian he [TS]

01:23:50   actually said location and feeding what [TS]

01:23:53   he said it and that's that wasn't that [TS]

01:23:55   wasn't an error on my part and I'm like [TS]

01:23:58   oh he's he was a Southeast Asian and [TS]

01:24:03   he's like yeah something like that [TS]

01:24:04   okay first of all your japanese you [TS]

01:24:06   should you should have your asian races [TS]

01:24:10   more dialed than that but that it was [TS]

01:24:14   not what I expected and my picture of [TS]

01:24:18   three burglars or my picture of a [TS]

01:24:21   maniacal rock on the line listener now [TS]

01:24:23   suddenly was like Boeing it was a guy [TS]

01:24:26   like a lucky guy from Southeast Asia and [TS]

01:24:29   now all of a sudden my next-door [TS]

01:24:31   neighbors who are Vietnamese I'm like [TS]

01:24:33   wait a minute [TS]

01:24:34   was it one of the wasn't one of the [TS]

01:24:35   lowrider guys that hang out over there [TS]

01:24:38   oh my god like it's like my whole my [TS]

01:24:42   whole vision of the crime switched [TS]

01:24:44   around [TS]

01:24:44   I no longer felt like somebody had been [TS]

01:24:47   casing my house for weeks i suddenly [TS]

01:24:50   felt like was this is just a meth crime [TS]

01:24:52   of opportunity where the person got [TS]

01:24:55   incredibly lucky pried open the one [TS]

01:24:59   window that where my my security system [TS]

01:25:02   because they made they made it around [TS]

01:25:05   waiting for the light to go out they [TS]

01:25:06   found a shovel they picked the single [TS]

01:25:08   all these think this sounds like a [TS]

01:25:10   fucking mission impossible that [TS]

01:25:11   absolutely that window and the reason [TS]

01:25:13   that window was vulnerable was it was [TS]

01:25:15   painted shut [TS]

01:25:16   I had never opened that window and I [TS]

01:25:17   figured it was unopenable but the rotted [TS]

01:25:22   still allowed them to put the shovel and [TS]

01:25:24   so I didn't put a lot [TS]

01:25:25   come on that window because it was a [TS]

01:25:26   painted shut window but they popped they [TS]

01:25:29   popped it with the shovel and broke the [TS]

01:25:32   paint seal and that was the thing that [TS]

01:25:34   woke me up and I was like this fucking [TS]

01:25:37   possum has got to go [TS]

01:25:40   oh so now i am made whole again not only [TS]

01:25:46   that i have all my shit back and i SAT [TS]

01:25:49   with the passport and it we had a [TS]

01:25:51   communion and also by challenge coins [TS]

01:25:55   and all this other crap ola but i'm also [TS]

01:25:59   made whole again in the sense that I no [TS]

01:26:01   longer lay in bed at night thinking that [TS]

01:26:03   there is a giant conspiracy around my [TS]

01:26:07   house imagining Russians in Thailand [TS]

01:26:12   looking at my house from a satellite [TS]

01:26:14   trying to figure out my comings and [TS]

01:26:17   goings so that they can best impersonate [TS]

01:26:20   me right [TS]

01:26:21   it's just a guy who didn't even have the [TS]

01:26:24   brains to not fall asleep in his car is [TS]

01:26:30   stolen car and two I mean one reason [TS]

01:26:34   that crazy people do things like have [TS]

01:26:37   ingots of silver is because it's [TS]

01:26:39   imminently sellable yeah yeah yeah i [TS]

01:26:42   mean like you know the thing is they you [TS]

01:26:44   can get your crank dealer your crank [TS]

01:26:47   connection may give you a couple hundred [TS]

01:26:48   bucks for a laptop but like boy silver [TS]

01:26:51   silver is pretty sellable and and the [TS]

01:26:53   ingot of silver at the at the prices of [TS]

01:26:56   silver at the time worth more than the [TS]

01:26:58   laptop a lot more I mean this ingot was [TS]

01:27:01   just like it is better than currency you [TS]

01:27:05   could go [TS]

01:27:06   yeah you could go to a you go to the [TS]

01:27:08   white homeland with that let's not let's [TS]

01:27:11   not let's not attract new people to [TS]

01:27:13   write and then probably this guy [TS]

01:27:15   wouldn't be welcome at the white [TS]

01:27:17   homeland no matter how much silver he [TS]

01:27:18   had his relation [TS]

01:27:20   that's right is location in any case so [TS]

01:27:24   that's my week that's only the first [TS]

01:27:26   thing that happened this week there are [TS]

01:27:28   two other monumental things but i may i [TS]

01:27:30   may save that for another episode i [TS]

01:27:32   think you should so I so here I am just [TS]

01:27:36   you know like pockets full of challenges [TS]

01:27:38   mines and a you know on the blacktop [TS]

01:27:43   gone the film's bag gone but whatever I [TS]

01:27:45   it's just that small potatoes I got all [TS]

01:27:47   my solo stuff back like I what I don't [TS]

01:27:51   even know what to do [TS]

01:27:53   this is jarring this is very jarring [TS]

01:27:55   John oh and the cut you know the cops at [TS]

01:27:57   the rent police department [TS]

01:27:58   this is the best part of their job right [TS]

01:28:00   hey we got all your stuff and and I was [TS]

01:28:03   so grateful and I was just like wow [TS]

01:28:05   thank you and I loved being in the [TS]

01:28:07   property room and all the all the [TS]

01:28:10   cloak-and-dagger of those guys which you [TS]

01:28:13   have to say is pretty shabby [TS]

01:28:14   cloak-and-dagger but at least it's like [TS]

01:28:16   you gotta buzz through the room [TS]

01:28:17   oh and detective okamoto had his had his [TS]

01:28:20   hand is magnetized security card in some [TS]

01:28:24   kind of hip holster who so every time we [TS]

01:28:28   came to and he wasn't a tall guy every [TS]

01:28:30   time we came to a door he turned around [TS]

01:28:31   and hiked up his butt and touch it and [TS]

01:28:36   the first time I saw the movie I was [TS]

01:28:38   like oh that's kind of interesting [TS]

01:28:39   little but then I realized that he does [TS]

01:28:42   it 40 times a day and he he turns around [TS]

01:28:45   mic stands up on his tiptoes you guys [TS]

01:28:48   like a hike in a quarter flip d├ęcor he [TS]

01:28:50   like cox-1 ass cheek in the air and [TS]

01:28:55   bonks it kind of like sassy sassy disco [TS]

01:28:59   bonk onto the onto the magnetized and [TS]

01:29:03   then the door pops open and all that [TS]

01:29:06   recumbent bike and staying off [TS]

01:29:07   you said it and by the third or fourth [TS]

01:29:11   time you did it I was like this is a [TS]

01:29:13   this rental police department has some [TS]

01:29:15   fucking sassy shit here [TS]

01:29:18   it wasn't you know there's not a lot [TS]

01:29:21   going on down there is seemingly and not [TS]

01:29:24   so much that they could have [TS]

01:29:25   investigated this crime a little better [TS]

01:29:26   yeah but so they returned me all this [TS]

01:29:29   stuff and so I'm so grateful that i [TS]

01:29:33   don't i don't sit them said I don't say [TS]

01:29:37   is their conference room somewhere we [TS]

01:29:38   could go sit down for a second let me [TS]

01:29:40   ask you a few questions about this [TS]

01:29:41   because you could have saved be nine [TS]

01:29:48   months of [TS]

01:29:50   hurt feelings by solving this crime when [TS]

01:29:54   in like and you know mental and psychic [TS]

01:29:57   self-torture yeah right you could have [TS]

01:29:59   solved this crime in one day but it took [TS]

01:30:04   you nine months to realize there had [TS]

01:30:06   been a crime even though the Seattle [TS]

01:30:09   Police Department were who never [TS]

01:30:10   returned my phone calls and by all [TS]

01:30:13   appearances never did any investigation [TS]

01:30:16   of any kind but then detective a [TS]

01:30:17   kimodo's excited he's like oh they maybe [TS]

01:30:19   have fingerprints [TS]

01:30:20   maybe I can tie this crime to the guy [TS]

01:30:21   sounds gettin I'm like yeah you'd have [TS]

01:30:25   to be getting to write a recumbent bike [TS]

01:30:27   to work every day [TS]