Roderick on the Line

Ep. 273: "One Kilometer"

 

  [Music] [TS]

  hello [TS]

  hi John hi Marilyn how's it going [TS]

  oh pretty good boy were you up making [TS]

  bacon no but I did I went to sleep early [TS]

  and then I woke up the middle of the [TS]

  night that's how yeah no no no that's a [TS]

  house-wide struggle for us [TS]

  oh they go to bed early and then get up [TS]

  in the middle of the night because you [TS]

  know what's your cycle is off and you're [TS]

  like yeah it's like it's 7:30 and I'm [TS]

  tired and you're like you gotta power [TS]

  through till 10:00 yeah but I I was like [TS]

  I'm going to bed at midnight yeah like a [TS]

  like I keep planning like a normal like [TS]

  a square and like a regular and then at [TS]

  2:45 a.m. I popped awake like everybody [TS]

  yeah it's when I get up to urinate at [TS]

  some point during the night that all of [TS]

  my anxiety comes flowing through and now [TS]

  I've made it a habit so it's working out [TS]

  real nice and a regular oh so you get up [TS]

  and yell a little bit midnight midnight [TS]

  time just you and your anxieties sure [TS]

  for me it's like between 2:00 and 4:00 [TS]

  get up pee like a gentleman happy once [TS]

  in the night usually and then at this [TS]

  point I'm sure that'll change I'll have [TS]

  many more opportunities for this in the [TS]

  future but yeah that could be five [TS]

  minute to one hour to longer like the [TS]

  thing for me you probably yeah you don't [TS]

  get that well you know it's hard to [TS]

  think about anxiety is it's hard for me [TS]

  to I think this is probably true for a [TS]

  lot of people it was it was for a long [TS]

  time hard for me to know what it felt [TS]

  like because it would mask itself as [TS]

  other things and I think I still have [TS]

  that problem I can't tell what I'm I [TS]

  don't it's very rare when I can sit and [TS]

  say like oh wait I'm feeling anxiety [TS]

  mm-hm [TS]

  it's like it always comes you know it [TS]

  pads it on little cat feet I wish I had [TS]

  the same thing in Reverse where for the [TS]

  longest time I mean I've had a lot of [TS]

  people in my life with various kinds of [TS]

  depression [TS]

  treated and untreated like well maybe a [TS]

  plurality like a lot huh and I always [TS]

  and I always felt like I could say with [TS]

  some confidence I don't I don't have [TS]

  depression I have anything but [TS]

  depression I'm unhappy guy and I said if [TS]

  anything I have the opposite of [TS]

  depression I get very anxious and it [TS]

  wasn't until fairly recently that more [TS]

  and more people would say that at least [TS]

  that I heard would say well you know [TS]

  anxiety is a big side effect of [TS]

  depression you know that there's there [TS]

  fruit from the similar tree [TS]

  my problem is the habitat the habit of [TS]

  anxiety you know and not to be a [TS]

  Buddhist but like if you have a bad [TS]

  thought and you know kind of let it pass [TS]

  away you're okay the problem is if you [TS]

  make it part of your habit and I think [TS]

  that's true for almost any kind of [TS]

  emotional or mental deficit is like we [TS]

  can really hey Happy New Year this is [TS]

  good stuff yeah do you have to like [TS]

  touch the doorknob every time you go by [TS]

  it or anything like that no I had a very [TS]

  I don't think so I don't think so I do [TS]

  get intrusive thoughts not them like you [TS]

  know I want to have sex with a baby and [TS]

  throw it on the train tracks kind of [TS]

  thought that some people get and I don't [TS]

  get like well it is interesting [TS]

  well I mean Maria Bamford talks about [TS]

  this a lot she has she has really [TS]

  intrusive very bizarre sexual thoughts [TS]

  that she doesn't want to have it's not [TS]

  anything she wants to do but once the [TS]

  ideas in her head you know she's made [TS]

  great comedy out of that I don't get [TS]

  that I do get this sort of like I can't [TS]

  stop thinking a thought thing and it's [TS]

  something that's all I can do to pull [TS]

  myself out of it [TS]

  you're a Muller aren't you but you know [TS]

  I do mall I don't you Mon you Stu I do a [TS]

  little I do a little bit's doing I do [TS]

  some mowing yeah I do a brood I think [TS]

  special night time toadstool just for [TS]

  that the coffee girl gave me but but I I [TS]

  feel like a lot of that is managed now a [TS]

  lot of that a lot of that stuff because [TS]

  you know the thing about depression [TS]

  right is that you think everybody's [TS]

  against you too or that it's the the [TS]

  whole world is like allied yeah [TS]

  everybody's the worst possible side of [TS]

  you yeah and you're the you're the goat [TS]

  in in every scenario and I feel like the [TS]

  the the medicine I'm taking now has [TS]

  relieved quite a bit of that so I don't [TS]

  spend all afternoon going like bad but I [TS]

  do still have I still have those [TS]

  tendencies uh-huh but I think I think [TS]

  you know more than anything it's just [TS]

  still that it's still that Parliament of [TS]

  of nuge's all the little all the little [TS]

  advocates for for irrelevant [TS]

  up the wrong channel kind of kind of [TS]

  small problems that just collect and [TS]

  form in like impassable problems well [TS]

  it's like there's no there's nothing in [TS]

  the way here you know but but there's [TS]

  you know there's somebody that's like [TS]

  well we don't have a single sharpened [TS]

  pencil in the house and it's just like [TS]

  how did that become the thing that keeps [TS]

  me from finishing my record album and [TS]

  lately you know and it's maybe around [TS]

  the new year but but it's also it also [TS]

  it also feels like I'm I I have these I [TS]

  have these periods where I am seized [TS]

  with it with energy and I say now we're [TS]

  gonna get to the bottom of this [TS]

  now we're gonna here we go you know my [TS]

  dad would do this my whole Jack does it [TS]

  it's like open up [TS]

  everybody done set your boots on like [TS]

  that thing that went around instagram [TS]

  for a while pom-pom it's like okay [TS]

  alright alright stop it but but I had [TS]

  one of those recently where I marched [TS]

  around and said like okay let's figure [TS]

  this out we've just got a couple of [TS]

  things to do and why is it such a [TS]

  problem and you know I like created some [TS]

  folders on my desktop I made some [TS]

  commitments with some people over coffee [TS]

  breakfast psa's I you know I'd like [TS]

  planted some flags but I still am I'm [TS]

  still standing here with my same self [TS]

  and still everyday like not not taking [TS]

  first steps you know not like actually [TS]

  moving in any direction and it it uh [TS]

  it's exasperating you know I've got the [TS]

  same I have the same goals but you know [TS]

  I'm bad at having goals but I have the [TS]

  same in your checklist I got my [TS]

  checklist is the same way is not the [TS]

  same thing you've got you're like you [TS]

  three things on your list that's the [TS]

  same thing and it's like 12 years of [TS]

  haunting me I can't abandon that I get [TS]

  all this advice from well-meaning [TS]

  friends well if you haven't finished it [TS]

  throw it away cuz just get on get on [TS]

  with it it's like I can't yeah so but [TS]

  but all it's doing is torturing me and [TS]

  what is it what kind of ways that to [TS]

  live and so I so is is that where's the [TS]

  anxiety like in a way anxiety is all [TS]

  over it it's like sticky with anxiety [TS]

  mm-hmm but it's not but it doesn't like [TS]

  it doesn't jump out and it's like Joker [TS]

  costume or its I always feel like [TS]

  anxiety is kind of dressed like harlot [TS]

  the new version of Harlequin I'm like I [TS]

  just feel like that's hard [TS]

  and that's anxiety for me I don't know [TS]

  enough about her to know [TS]

  okay yeah does she have web does she [TS]

  make webs complicated she she treated [TS]

  the Joker at Arkham Asylum and she [TS]

  basically was very she found herself [TS]

  very attracted to his case and the [TS]

  celebrity of his case and she got really [TS]

  played by the Joker and she got some [TS]

  Joker on her yeah yeah and she she [TS]

  helped him escape and then I haven't [TS]

  kept up but that's the origin and which [TS]

  is actually really good comic is you [TS]

  know that basically now they're in this [TS]

  this very kind of abusive codependent [TS]

  relationship where she wants to impress [TS]

  him she's gonna be the one who kills [TS]

  Batman he's like no nobody's allowed to [TS]

  kill Batman but me and I'm not gonna [TS]

  kill him cuz they we need each other [TS]

  right and so she doesn't get the gist of [TS]

  how to please him and you know she does [TS]

  sexy things and he's sitting there [TS]

  crumpling up his plans and getting all [TS]

  frustrated and you know he that she [TS]

  doesn't get the depth of his jokes and [TS]

  so their relationship is very trying I [TS]

  don't know what that's like in the movie [TS]

  because I refused to see that movie but [TS]

  that's the Harlequin in the TV show in [TS]

  the comics and what is the there's there [TS]

  a Harley Quinn movie she's in the movie [TS]

  Suicide Squad played by the wonderful [TS]

  Margot Robbie Murphy mmm-hmm really hmm [TS]

  you know there's a tendency you've [TS]

  probably never noticed this there's a [TS]

  tendency sometimes to really heavily [TS]

  sexualize comic book women and they went [TS]

  pretty crazy with it in that movie [TS]

  apparently is that a good [TS]

  personification of anxiety for me or [TS]

  should I pick another one oh well I [TS]

  think you know because of the Goldwater [TS]

  amendment like I am NOT allowed to [TS]

  diagnose you from a distance as we say [TS]

  but it seems to me if I were gonna dumb [TS]

  this down in a non john roderick way i [TS]

  would say you have you seem to have not [TS]

  merely a critical voice but as you put [TS]

  it a parliament of critical voices that [TS]

  are at once on message and contradictory [TS]

  then that drives you so you have mini [TS]

  Harley's Quinn in some way but I don't [TS]

  know if you have you have to decide you [TS]

  know who that is but you know what [TS]

  people say like when you're trying to [TS]

  face this stuff down it does help to I [TS]

  identify this is really good radio it [TS]

  does help to identify that voice or [TS]

  those voices and then decide how you [TS]

  feel about what that person is saying [TS]

  it's like imagine when that when you [TS]

  when you catch yourself having those [TS]

  critical thoughts or those like you know [TS]

  you're such a dummy you did this dump [TS]

  thing you'll never do anything good you [TS]

  never fit whatever whatever your flavor [TS]

  that is and it's it's a different [TS]

  personal hell for everybody that you try [TS]

  to sort of identify like okay who is [TS]

  that is that my dad is that is that some [TS]

  kind of like um is that my boss Randy [TS]

  from the restaurant cuz always drawing [TS]

  people all stepfather's and and [TS]

  restaurant managers are named Randy oh [TS]

  yeah so it helps to identify that you [TS]

  don't have to give it a name you know to [TS]

  get you know wacky about it but to go [TS]

  and then decide and this is this is the [TS]

  pro level is to decide how you feel [TS]

  about that voice being there and whether [TS]

  you're gonna listen to it and give it [TS]

  any credibility what about having it be [TS]

  an entire Suicide Squad oh we like the [TS]

  mean Joker with the with the braces or [TS]

  whatever I say I don't know enough about [TS]

  the Suicide Squad super hero villain [TS]

  team and they bring their forces [TS]

  together upon the Parliament that whole [TS]

  like the voices in my head or a [TS]

  parliament is actually a it's actually a [TS]

  sort of a thing I grabbed from Bismarck [TS]

  he described his own his own in her life [TS]

  yes and find he probably makes this [TS]

  before but this mark huh he his and it's [TS]

  it's not his you know Bismarck is so [TS]

  full of wonderful aphorisms that it's [TS]

  sometimes hard to track down all of his [TS]

  all of the great lines from from his [TS]

  sort of [TS]

  catalog because he just if you if you [TS]

  read it if you read his his aphorisms he [TS]

  reads like sunsoo you know he's just [TS]

  like he's full of full of great little [TS]

  little political jobs but he does at [TS]

  some point describe his own in her life [TS]

  as being this reichstag of of [TS]

  disagreeable in ourselves and so when i [TS]

  talk about it it's really a direct grab [TS]

  okay because out of on you know he he i [TS]

  dig his stuff i really you know i [TS]

  celebrate his entire catalog sure for [TS]

  such a fan name his last three albums [TS]

  yeah that's a really good painting I'll [TS]

  use that um I feel like from a remove [TS]

  like if you look at other people and [TS]

  other people's Hang Ups other people who [TS]

  had the hang-ups that you do not have [TS]

  everything looks simple and I think this [TS]

  is from my own POV that's definitely [TS]

  true with procrastination where people [TS]

  who don't procrastinate have no sympathy [TS]

  or really understanding of what it's [TS]

  like to be somebody who procrastinate [TS]

  sand explaining it doesn't help because [TS]

  I mean it's like it's like you you've [TS]

  got this extra sense as somebody who [TS]

  procrastinate or whatever whatever one's [TS]

  personal hang-up is right so like you [TS]

  you see you see stuff in the tea leaves [TS]

  that other people don't see you're [TS]

  motivated in ways that are very exotic [TS]

  and unknowable to people who don't have [TS]

  that but you look at it so like let's [TS]

  say I don't want to trigger anybody here [TS]

  but like it's been reported that someone [TS]

  very highly placed in the US government [TS]

  has a morbid fear of stairs and [TS]

  basically grates and so go on so I heard [TS]

  about this and I want read a little more [TS]

  about it and again we because the [TS]

  Goldwater we're not allowed to diagnose [TS]

  from a distance but it's very [TS]

  interesting this is a person who is very [TS]

  scared of going down stairs in [TS]

  particular is a difference there's of [TS]

  one phobia about going down stairs [TS]

  there's another stair climbing based [TS]

  fear of going up stairs [TS]

  but this person in addition to that is [TS]

  terrified of falling down steps but also [TS]

  is as they say a germaphobe so it [TS]

  doesn't like to touch the rail but has [TS]

  to touch the rail in order to waste that [TS]

  other fear now this gets very very [TS]

  complicated so I don't have that I I [TS]

  don't see you know a screenshot of [TS]

  Teletubbies and and get a tiny dick like [TS]

  I don't get like so I look at them and [TS]

  say well that seems very exotic I don't [TS]

  have a morbid fear of snakes I have what [TS]

  I would consider to be a very normal [TS]

  fear of snakes which is like if there's [TS]

  a snake scared but I rarely in my life [TS]

  have imagined that there are snakes in [TS]

  places where snakes never are but [TS]

  somebody who has that fear like on a [TS]

  plane like on a plane I'll kind of [TS]

  motherfucking plane I'm not sure exactly [TS]

  where I'm going with this but but I [TS]

  think I feel like if I see this in [TS]

  myself I see in others I think one of [TS]

  the big problems with all this stuff is [TS]

  the repetition so like if you if [TS]

  somebody and this is again getting a [TS]

  little bit into the mindfulness and [TS]

  cognitive psychology angle but like if [TS]

  you're somewhere where there's shit tons [TS]

  I'm at this point I'm just kind of [TS]

  quoting this guy named Robert Wright who [TS]

  wrote a book recently about Buddhism in [TS]

  cognitive psychology or not cognizant if [TS]

  I'm sorry evolutionary psychology but he [TS]

  says if you're in an area where you know [TS]

  there's tons of rattlesnakes and lots of [TS]

  people die from rattlesnakes for some [TS]

  reason you can understand why you would [TS]

  be very cautious and even like imagine [TS]

  that there's a snake when there's not a [TS]

  snake because even if you're scared of [TS]

  snakes and there's not one there 99 [TS]

  times out of 100 the one time that there [TS]

  is it served you well from an [TS]

  evolutionary standpoint but in a modern [TS]

  society maybe that doesn't make the most [TS]

  sense so like I feel like the one common [TS]

  thing through all of this is they first [TS]

  of all there's there is a deficit in [TS]

  perception and cognition but then [TS]

  there's also the repetition I think it's [TS]

  the repetition that kills us and the [TS]

  feeling that the repetition is out of [TS]

  our control so having a thought that you [TS]

  keep thinking it's making you unhappy [TS]

  but then somehow you it's like pressing [TS]

  a bruise you can't help but revisit this [TS]

  thing that you hate because it feels so [TS]

  much a part of you does that make any [TS]

  sense yeah and even if even or [TS]

  especially if you're scared of snakes or [TS]

  you're worried about throwing a baby on [TS]

  a train tracks [TS]

  like you don't have to have according to [TS]

  Hoyle OCD to [TS]

  be very troubled by this thing were you [TS]

  going like like I have this thought I [TS]

  hate it I feel crazy I hate feeling [TS]

  crazy I hate this entire thing but I [TS]

  can't stop and I don't know why that's [TS]

  that's the part that I think it's so [TS]

  frustrating is you don't you know it [TS]

  keeps happening but you don't know how [TS]

  to stop it and I think that's when [TS]

  something goes from being inconvenient [TS]

  frustrating and troublesome for a moment [TS]

  to being something a little bit more [TS]

  chronic and what in particular I think [TS]

  for me is is it makes it like chronic is [TS]

  that the the thoughts themselves my [TS]

  whatever pantheon of thoughts [TS]

  none of them are unreasonable it's not [TS]

  like I'm scared to go downstairs I'm not [TS]

  afraid of snakes in any way shape or [TS]

  form I seek out snakes all of my like [TS]

  throw a baby on the tracks like sort of [TS]

  ejaculatory thoughts are all like [TS]

  interesting and fun it seems to me like [TS]

  you talked about your ability your [TS]

  desire you you you are so historically [TS]

  through your life you've been so [TS]

  interested in building your own mental [TS]

  and emotional world that you would seek [TS]

  it out to the exclusion of other [TS]

  people's emotional worlds yeah well like [TS]

  your internal thing yeah the whole like [TS]

  the fantasies aren't problem there [TS]

  aren't problems for me and also none of [TS]

  the thoughts feel abnormal they all feel [TS]

  normal this was the you know what we [TS]

  when we used to talk about depression [TS]

  when it was really my my bete noire it [TS]

  was just that the feet that the things I [TS]

  was telling myself all seemed perfectly [TS]

  reasonable I was a trash garbage person [TS]

  and and I could demonstrate why and my [TS]

  friends did hate me and I could show you [TS]

  the evidence so the the thoughts that [TS]

  plagued me are all these thoughts that [TS]

  if I try and apply a critical faculty to [TS]

  I come up with lossing all the more [TS]

  normal and legit yeah it's just like oh [TS]

  well I mean obviously if there is a [TS]

  deficit of pencils here I do need five [TS]

  new folders on my computer that are that [TS]

  are named and numbered [TS]

  and until I do that that I can't begin [TS]

  and and having done it now I feel like [TS]

  I've done some pretty good work and I [TS]

  need to take a little break and so I've [TS]

  got you know I've got these I've got [TS]

  these files and that that organizes my [TS]

  next step but you know the actual next [TS]

  step is pretty big job I should probably [TS]

  have a sandwich first and so those [TS]

  aren't those aren't easy to say look man [TS]

  I keep coming back to this this like [TS]

  this this thought that is intrusive that [TS]

  if that's that I can see is irrational [TS]

  it's that I keep that I am but as you as [TS]

  you described like I'm totally locked in [TS]

  a pattern [TS]

  it's absolutely incapacitating it is [TS]

  something that feels like there's a [TS]

  solution to but-but-but what you were [TS]

  describing which is people that don't [TS]

  share that that don't share a morbid [TS]

  fear of stairs or germs feeling like [TS]

  well that seems pretty easy to get over [TS]

  or at least pretty easy to work around [TS]

  now you take you take in that case like [TS]

  you take normal precautions you wear [TS]

  like oops or you know or whatever just [TS]

  wash your hands often enough but like [TS]

  yeah exactly that you would say like [TS]

  when people look at somebody who has an [TS]

  affliction like that they go like you're [TS]

  making a problem out of something that [TS]

  is not a problem and for that to become [TS]

  pathological is not understandable to me [TS]

  one when you and I first met and you [TS]

  were the Internet's Merlin man remember [TS]

  when you were Merlin man I do I do [TS]

  he's stuck in my shoe it was a wonderful [TS]

  time yeah and I remember you know you [TS]

  were you were building a name for [TS]

  yourself as a Productivity guru and I [TS]

  had that in the inside insight into you [TS]

  where you were you were trying out all [TS]

  those methods you were discovering all [TS]

  that stuff because you really were [TS]

  trying to solve actual an actual problem [TS]

  for yourself yeah which was I mean you [TS]

  weren't just like let me go out and test [TS]

  all these options for my website you are [TS]

  like how do [TS]

  how do I solve this problem how do I [TS]

  solve for X which is that I want to be [TS]

  more productive I mean I eventually [TS]

  became broken as a vocation but I came [TS]

  at it honestly which was that I felt [TS]

  like I mean if you had to put it in a [TS]

  non like negative way it would be that I [TS]

  always had the sense that I was capable [TS]

  of doing the seemingly basic things [TS]

  better but it was always challenging to [TS]

  me and I wondered was there a fairly [TS]

  light infrastructure I could introduce [TS]

  and then when I noticed the [TS]

  infrastructure is getting too heavy I [TS]

  try to pull back and go no no no just [TS]

  even if this is your job this is too [TS]

  much infrastructure well sure I remember [TS]

  the wall of post-it notes the the [TS]

  infamous are not infamous because it [TS]

  wasn't really famous it was just you [TS]

  know like at your house you had stuff on [TS]

  post-it notes and it became a real wall [TS]

  like yeah that is allow there are a lot [TS]

  of thoughts up there and some of those [TS]

  post-it notes just said things on them [TS]

  like go get more post-it notes and and [TS]

  I'm the same way and the for the problem [TS]

  with my repetitive thoughts or my or the [TS]

  stumbling blocks is that it seems to [TS]

  other people who don't have the problem [TS]

  like it is just a Productivity problem [TS]

  or cementation problem yeah like all you [TS]

  need is a plan or a system you got and [TS]

  all that you've got all the tools and [TS]

  you've got the will there's no reason [TS]

  that you can't just go make a lawn mower [TS]

  engine today [TS]

  yeah put put some folders on your thing [TS]

  or here's a book that helped me or you [TS]

  know what works for me is blank and and [TS]

  so absolutely like my close friends [TS]

  well-meaning people my own mother are [TS]

  are always making these you know they're [TS]

  pulling yellow legal pads out there like [TS]

  we just have to do this step by step [TS]

  they really want to help and they say [TS]

  you know first thing we have to do is [TS]

  just is this small simple step and I go [TS]

  right dig it and then immediately like [TS]

  the wheels come off and it and it [TS]

  doesn't it doesn't seem to other people [TS]

  like I'm doing anything but just [TS]

  stopping in the middle of the road for [TS]

  no reason [TS]

  and and it's not that I'm you know it's [TS]

  not that I see snakes and this and this [TS]

  is the repetitive cycle that you're [TS]

  talking about because I don't you know [TS]

  I'm in a loop [TS]

  I got a loop and I mean this is amazing [TS]

  radio let's be honest part of it though [TS]

  and it's okay if you want to push back [TS]

  on this but my own take on that that I [TS]

  think works for a lot there's a [TS]

  repetition for sure but in whether it's [TS]

  procrastination or it's not getting our [TS]

  own album done or something to call it [TS]

  fear is a little too on the nose but to [TS]

  call it a feeling of impending danger or [TS]

  insecurity is a better way to put it [TS]

  like a feeling of fear you might get a [TS]

  big adrenaline or dopamine hint that [TS]

  says I need to get through this right [TS]

  yeah I need to run away from the snake [TS]

  because I literally saw five fucking [TS]

  snakes that's for something that's there [TS]

  that if the bear is chasing you you [TS]

  should run the other part though is that [TS]

  part of that repetition is that you just [TS]

  keep checking for the thing that you're [TS]

  scared of or worried about if you if you [TS]

  know what I mean like you there's [TS]

  something in you that's causing you to [TS]

  not move forward fearlessly and it's not [TS]

  fear exactly on the nose but it is [TS]

  uncertainty and it is some kind of like [TS]

  am I ready for this am i I don't know if [TS]

  I'm up for this today I think yeah I get [TS]

  knots in my stomach laying in bed at [TS]

  night thinking about and I'm just really [TS]

  simple things today [TS]

  yeah I'm not excluding fear because I [TS]

  fear is definitely a thing I'm just [TS]

  saying like calling it just fear [TS]

  dismisses too easily the the role of [TS]

  uncertainty which there's just a little [TS]

  bit different in a fear and anxiety and [TS]

  nervousness and anger are all are all [TS]

  flavors of a very similar thing that [TS]

  involves the world is not the way that I [TS]

  want and I'm not sure how to change it [TS]

  to be how I want a fear of fear of [TS]

  success fear of failure are the are the [TS]

  twin the twin twins of Virgo that I [TS]

  can't tell the difference between them I [TS]

  don't know what I'm people people have [TS]

  been throwing that at me since I was 11 [TS]

  you have fear of success yeah [TS]

  failure and I go well you just be you [TS]

  have reluctance to change there's [TS]

  something something that says that likes [TS]

  change it feels risky even if that's [TS]

  improvement but I do you know I I do and [TS]

  have over the course of of my life made [TS]

  big changes in who I am you know I'm [TS]

  such a different person than I was and [TS]

  of course I'm the same person like I [TS]

  still AM I still am me but you know I [TS]

  react I try to learn and I do I do dig [TS]

  my feet in sometimes but I dig them in [TS]

  on principle rather than like it's it's [TS]

  in this one small area right I mean like [TS]

  I I am it's it's a it's a closed loop [TS]

  it's not like a loop that that affects [TS]

  my like ability to take a new job or or [TS]

  or make a switch between being a [TS]

  musician and being a writer or something [TS]

  like that like that stuff is just like [TS]

  now yeah sure let's let's give it a try [TS]

  or or fear of change in terms of like [TS]

  throwing it all away but fear of you [TS]

  know I don't I honestly don't know what [TS]

  benefit I think like what I'm getting [TS]

  out of these small failures these [TS]

  constants small failures the fact that I [TS]

  have this this list that only has two [TS]

  items on it and both things could be I [TS]

  could finish my book and finish my album [TS]

  in a month really if I didn't worry [TS]

  about their quality you know like I [TS]

  could have that record done in two days [TS]

  if I didn't care whether it was good or [TS]

  not [TS]

  in your list and it would be off the [TS]

  list and I would be on to the next thing [TS]

  and by caring about it being good I make [TS]

  it impossible to finish because I can [TS]

  never get a thing that is good and I'm [TS]

  and that makes me think that I'm [TS]

  incapable of doing a thing that's good [TS]

  and that paralyzes me so I make up I [TS]

  make a set of folders on the desktop and [TS]

  I say I'm just gonna put all the lyrics [TS]

  that start with the letter R in the our [TS]

  file and that will help me organize them [TS]

  and I'll be able to tell which ones are [TS]

  good and then I put them in there and as [TS]

  I'm putting him in there I'm like well [TS]

  this one's good that one's good this [TS]

  feels great and then two days later I [TS]

  open up the our file and I think it's [TS]

  full of great stuff and I read them all [TS]

  again and I'm like there's not a single [TS]

  good thing in here it's garbage and then [TS]

  I close it and I don't look at it for a [TS]

  month because it just sits on the it [TS]

  sits on the desktop as this like [TS]

  throbbing red thumb and now you've [TS]

  created a taxonomy of failure yeah well [TS]

  there there's that folder that I know is [TS]

  full of garbage that is all of and it's [TS]

  and basically it contains everything [TS]

  under the letter R that I am capable of [TS]

  making so to add more garbage to it [TS]

  doesn't seem like the right you know [TS]

  process and at that point you need a [TS]

  rest and I need a rest you know or I [TS]

  need to start working on you know what I [TS]

  need to do is start working on the novel [TS]

  and so I make some files and I go over [TS]

  there and I'm like you roll your chair [TS]

  over a couple feet and go right here we [TS]

  go roll up the sleeves crack the [TS]

  knuckles and sit at the typewriter you [TS]

  know like I've done so much work on both [TS]

  things like the novel has hundreds and [TS]

  hundreds of pages and I've had probably [TS]

  eight people read it and all eight have [TS]

  come back with really good constructive [TS]

  comments that are that you know are not [TS]

  like well you need to start over there [TS]

  their comments are like this is great [TS]

  here's my suggestion you should just you [TS]

  know write more about how you feel and [TS]

  take out a little bit of the stuff where [TS]

  you're like and then I had another seven [TS]

  up and I go amazing and then I read it [TS]

  and I'm like the whole thing basically [TS]

  the entire book is about seven ups and I [TS]

  have to redo it I have to redo the whole [TS]

  thing because it's basically just a [TS]

  testimony to the number of seven ups I [TS]

  drank and seco and the lyrics I've got [TS]

  so many files of lyrics so many files [TS]

  files and files enough for 50 albums [TS]

  mm-hmm [TS]

  but I can't get I can't get that voice [TS]

  out of my head that it's that when I [TS]

  look at it a second time I it's garbage [TS]

  and and all that all the solutions that [TS]

  are suggested by my well-meaning friends [TS]

  of just like move on get past it I it [TS]

  just it just seems like brutal to me why [TS]

  would they even say that why would they [TS]

  suggest such an awful thing as that I [TS]

  should throw my thing away throw all [TS]

  this work away all these great files [TS]

  that are full of garbage why should I [TS]

  you know like why would somebody tell me [TS]

  to throw away my life's work that's my [TS]

  that's my cycle another another way to [TS]

  think about this this is not gonna help [TS]

  unfortunately but you're used to that [TS]

  the another way think about it though is [TS]

  that what's the constant through all of [TS]

  this [TS]

  oh there's you the other constant [TS]

  through all this is the fucking list so [TS]

  I mean in my case the analog is like I [TS]

  realized a long time ago I will very [TS]

  likely never be without anxiety so even [TS]

  if I clear the decks of the top anxiety [TS]

  the three under it and all the other [TS]

  ones I'm not gonna get around the [TS]

  structural problem the anxiety comes to [TS]

  me in ways I don't choose and I could I [TS]

  could find myself becoming anxious about [TS]

  almost anything so I'm not saying we're [TS]

  the same on this but you know it's that [TS]

  fucking list that's killing you it's in [TS]

  some ways it's like if you didn't have [TS]

  the list I mean and again now some some [TS]

  kind of armchair Freud it's gonna come [TS]

  and go oh well you know get rid of the [TS]

  list or throw the list away or to say [TS]

  you know I guess all I'm trying to say [TS]

  is that like at least to be aware of the [TS]

  fact that the one constant is the list [TS]

  so there's two extreme example you know [TS]

  points of view here one would be like [TS]

  through the list away cuz it's not [TS]

  helping you start over and do something [TS]

  else and then eat that includes going [TS]

  back and looking at your are lyrics then [TS]

  that's fine but you know another person [TS]

  we might say and this is gonna be your [TS]

  fear of failure or fear of success [TS]

  friends your imposter syndrome buddies [TS]

  is gonna be like well maybe you're [TS]

  worried that once you tick off those two [TS]

  items there won't be anything left and [TS]

  now who are you that's a hot take but [TS]

  there's probably gonna be people who [TS]

  think that what's weird is I always want [TS]

  help and I ask for help and I think in [TS]

  my head I have a vision that someone [TS]

  will take enough of an interest in this [TS]

  that they will actually pull up a chair [TS]

  and because I love to sit and like read [TS]

  off a thing and have somebody else hear [TS]

  it and bounce it back you know like I [TS]

  love to go back and forth what I don't [TS]

  like is when someone sits and listens [TS]

  and goes oh great well it seems like [TS]

  you're on your way or [TS]

  you know here's my suggestion for a [TS]

  solution to your problem overall and [TS]

  then they get up and leave and leave me [TS]

  alone - how does it make you feel [TS]

  abandoned mm-hmm because they hadn't [TS]

  engaged fully well and the problem is [TS]

  it's an unrealistic expectation because [TS]

  I want my friend I want some friend of [TS]

  mine who has their own creative life who [TS]

  is struggling to get their own things [TS]

  done who is you know obviously consumed [TS]

  with their own demons to devote [TS]

  themselves for some period of time to [TS]

  helping me and the fact that they you [TS]

  know like I wrote are for our good [TS]

  friend Ben Acker the other day and said [TS]

  I've got this draft and you know I'm [TS]

  wondering if you would read it and he [TS]

  wrote back and said the thing about a [TS]

  draft is if you think it's a draft it's [TS]

  still a draft and you should work on it [TS]

  more and when you don't think it's a [TS]

  draft when you're like it's done then [TS]

  you have people read it and I was like [TS]

  huh that's an interesting theory you're [TS]

  still calling it a draft you know you're [TS]

  not done yet yeah it's not is he [TS]

  implying that it's not is he trying to [TS]

  motivate you or say that it's not ready [TS]

  for criticism he's definitely trying to [TS]

  motivate me and and you know I have this [TS]

  conversation a ton of times like what [TS]

  Dave bazan tried to help me finish my [TS]

  record and did quite a bit of work [TS]

  helping me do it [TS]

  but ultimately like it was here let me [TS]

  make files for you and then once they're [TS]

  in files you can sort through them and [TS]

  know what to do and I wanted so much [TS]

  hand-holding beyond just beyond and and [TS]

  other people's systems I generally like [TS]

  not just struggle to adopt but actively [TS]

  resist in my head if somebody's like [TS]

  here let me make these files for you [TS]

  I'll order them this way I'm like ah [TS]

  that's just not how I would order them [TS]

  that's just not how I would progress I [TS]

  had a plan last year and some some life [TS]

  stuff got in the way and it and I was a [TS]

  week behind and the person that was [TS]

  helping me [TS]

  with that plan said well you're a week [TS]

  behind but you can catch up and I said [TS]

  well because of these life things I feel [TS]

  like I shouldn't be a week behind I feel [TS]

  like we should set the deadline that we [TS]

  had a week later and they said no let's [TS]

  keep the deadline where it is and just [TS]

  you make up for the week that got lost [TS]

  and I was furious [TS]

  why should I why should I have the [TS]

  deadline be the same it should move back [TS]

  a week because of the tornado right the [TS]

  tornado that hit the town and I can get [TS]

  the opine that that's not really a [TS]

  deadline if you move it [TS]

  well yeah or they're just like that you [TS]

  it's fine you can you can make up that [TS]

  week you can make up that last week and [TS]

  I was like that's crazy that's crazy to [TS]

  say that I'm a week behind now I was [TS]

  doing so good you walked across Europe [TS]

  but like the idea a little bit behind on [TS]

  the project cripple see three stuff it's [TS]

  just some things are harder than others [TS]

  now though and this is the thing I think [TS]

  a lot of people don't believe when I say [TS]

  but I was 30 when I walked across Europe [TS]

  and it was the first thing I had ever [TS]

  finished except for high school and I [TS]

  didn't really finish high school you [TS]

  know they I got to these like they kinda [TS]

  SH to you yeah right I mean I got to the [TS]

  end of what the term of high school [TS]

  should have been and they were like [TS]

  that's fine and so I didn't even have a [TS]

  real feeling of completion of high [TS]

  school because I because I like skirted [TS]

  it but more like the staff and faculty [TS]

  disappeared you wasn't it yeah like sort [TS]

  of by mutual assent by a voice vote they [TS]

  decided that you just needed to not be [TS]

  at that high school anymore yeah right [TS]

  like I had actually not completed the [TS]

  requirements and they just took a pencil [TS]

  and erased the zero and added a one-page [TS]

  that's fine so moved and it's like I [TS]

  knew it I knew that they were doing it [TS]

  if you look at my transcript it's [TS]

  visible there there's a visible like [TS]

  lie or cheat in it that I didn't ask for [TS]

  and it does feel dishonest and and that [TS]

  it's a white ribbon [TS]

  it's a white ribbon and it's a small [TS]

  thing right that they think a lot of [TS]

  people would assume I was proud of like [TS]

  this relieved by like I didn't care I [TS]

  mean I didn't care I don't think about I [TS]

  had no anxiety about graduating from [TS]

  high school cuz I knew if I did or I [TS]

  didn't it wouldn't matter but having not [TS]

  done it having not actually gone to [TS]

  summer school or repeated my senior year [TS]

  whatever it was that that I probably or [TS]

  Paul most definitely should have been [TS]

  forced to do that I didn't actually it's [TS]

  not actually finished because it was [TS]

  yeah it was this like fake it's faked so [TS]

  the so the walk across Europe and I [TS]

  don't know if I've ever told you this [TS]

  but there was a moment in there was an [TS]

  evening in Slovakia have I ever told you [TS]

  about this evening in Slovakia no I [TS]

  don't I don't remember is this is this [TS]

  when you went the lady's house and she [TS]

  gave you food no okay oh by the way our [TS]

  thanks to Mike Walden you know what I [TS]

  got some Mack welding stuff on the way [TS]

  like in the mail as you will hear on the [TS]

  ad spot which I must definitely have [TS]

  already recorded I got three new of the [TS]

  MEK weld and shirt that I like for the [TS]

  Christmas Oh nicely done [TS]

  I don't wanna spoil the ad spot that you [TS]

  just heard that I already definitely [TS]

  record it but I'm a fan man [TS]

  I want to I ordered a bunch of more [TS]

  silver underpants because I feel just [TS]

  calling that what are they just console [TS]

  over Underpants well I think that's what [TS]

  they are right [TS]

  so I just make this the ad I mean I [TS]

  don't have a problem with this being the [TS]

  ad because it's true [TS]

  I saw underpants protect me against [TS]

  danger [TS]

  okay I'm gonna regret this I can feel it [TS]

  already [TS]

  I'm gonna fucking regret this let's see [TS]

  here they're not technically bulletproof [TS]

  the silver underwear they're not [TS]

  technically bulletproof but they make me [TS]

  feel boy it's by Mac Weldon and I'm here [TS]

  to tell you right now you can go to [TS]

  Mecca welcome calm and you'll get 20 [TS]

  percent off your order using the promo [TS]

  code ro TL just like it sounds ro t hell [TS]

  no it's military-grade silver thread [TS]

  that is threaded in with the cotton John [TS]

  you can make a military-grade silver [TS]

  thread technology military does it all [TS]

  the time I don't know how apparently [TS]

  I mean it's not something probably that [TS]

  Mac Weldon just does themselves they [TS]

  probably sorts it through military [TS]

  contractors like Halliburton or [TS]

  something [TS]

  Mac Walden is better than whatever [TS]

  you're wearing right now no you fixate [TS]

  on the underpants and the problem with [TS]

  these Mack welding people is they're [TS]

  always fixating on the underpants I am [TS]

  all about the pima cotton this is this [TS]

  is the add just so y'all know I am I I'm [TS]

  a big fan at the pima cotton long sleeve [TS]

  t-shirt and I cannot even say I will [TS]

  just tell you this I literally have a [TS]

  drawer full of them because they now are [TS]

  officially my uniform I wear some kind [TS]

  of a short sleeve shirt underneath it [TS]

  could be could be the Mac Walden white [TS]

  t-shirt which has a nice long tail much [TS]

  like the Chris Anderson article in Wired [TS]

  but this in but I am here to tell you [TS]

  not John it's here to tell you about [TS]

  Underpants I'm here to tell you about [TS]

  shirts these these are these are soft [TS]

  they're beautifully made there [TS]

  they're like engineered they actually [TS]

  like the t-shirt looks like something [TS]

  from outer space it's like the coolest [TS]

  thing ever so you know do you want to [TS]

  talk more about this threads in your [TS]

  underpants well I see I don't I don't [TS]

  typically wear t-shirts unless the only [TS]

  time I'll put on a t-shirt is if a I [TS]

  expect to be hot and I'm dressing up [TS]

  fancy and I don't want [TS]

  you know I want another layer and I'm [TS]

  and I'm always confused like does the [TS]

  lay extra layer make me hotter so that I [TS]

  perspire more else am I just causing [TS]

  more of a problem for myself or am i [TS]

  putting another layer in between my [TS]

  shirt and the persuasion finish your [TS]

  album you thinking about shit like this [TS]

  is there wicking involved is there [TS]

  wicking mmm-hmm it's a hard choice and [TS]

  my dad wore v-neck t-shirts but I do not [TS]

  support do no t-shirt no no no I am more [TS]

  is not a good look [TS]

  collared shirt if you like them get them [TS]

  hakuna matata but for me I look rude I [TS]

  look bad I look like somebody in some [TS]

  kind of like community theater version [TS]

  of like you know count on a Hot Tin Roof [TS]

  or something that's bad yeah yeah no no [TS]

  I don't like him I don't like him either [TS]

  and when I was a kid in the 70s it was [TS]

  very popular to wear tank tops and I had [TS]

  a bunch of cool tank tops that had [TS]

  stripes and stuff and I looked very cool [TS]

  and a tank top [TS]

  it was like eight but I don't look good [TS]

  in a tank top now no and I don't look [TS]

  good I don't like a Venus that's just [TS]

  stinky they could be stinky because [TS]

  because there's nothing to absorb your [TS]

  your business yeah they're gross but you [TS]

  know commune and Matata if you like to [TS]

  work yes especially if you get it from a [TS]

  quelle dan which I'm pretty sure you can [TS]

  yeah but the silver Underpants and the [TS]

  thing is they're not silver colored and [TS]

  that's a point I support a lot of people [TS]

  think it's gonna look like a baked [TS]

  potato you dieren know a baked potato no [TS]

  because I get the eat I get to like [TS]

  light pastel colors like the star color [TS]

  yeah and I'm not a technical fabrics [TS]

  person typically right I'm gonna want [TS]

  your wools and your Cotton's pants made [TS]

  of wax exactly right and I'm talking [TS]

  about doing a I'm talking about doing a [TS]

  motorcycle trip this summer up to the [TS]

  Arctic Circle with some friends and they [TS]

  are friends one of them at least is [TS]

  somebody that wears technical fabrics [TS]

  even when they're not doing something [TS]

  technical and I'm like no no no Jason [TS]

  Jason Jason can't figure out like [TS]

  whether he's wool or or what but he's [TS]

  not up against technical fabrics [TS]

  the thing about my silver underpants is [TS]

  that my feeling about them is although [TS]

  they are produced surely by some [TS]

  technical method that involves [TS]

  military-grade silver thread it's silver [TS]

  mm which is like the oldest of the [TS]

  oldest school materials that's why it's [TS]

  easily one of my favorite precious [TS]

  metals yeah oh me too I think be very [TS]

  gaudy I think silver can be very very [TS]

  classy I got silver all all over the [TS]

  house I mean you know it's all my [TS]

  doorstops are silver and and I do feel [TS]

  like trunk right it got the ingots back [TS]

  from the crackheads trunk and they're [TS]

  back there back fulfilling their purpose [TS]

  their ultimate purpose which is to be [TS]

  $5,000 doorstops they want you to be [TS]

  comfortable so if you don't like your [TS]

  first pair of silver Underpants you can [TS]

  keep it and they will still refund you [TS]

  with no questions that's know I think [TS]

  this is a good policy I would not even [TS]

  want to know that somebody's sending [TS]

  used underwear through the mail right [TS]

  you're not gonna take that back look I [TS]

  know I mean that with my socks cuz I [TS]

  like to rotate I guess I'll get a whole [TS]

  new set of gold toes and then I feel bad [TS]

  about all the the some socks my daughter [TS]

  can repurpose into sewing projects but I [TS]

  feel bad so now what's nice is they [TS]

  accept socks in in compost in San [TS]

  Francisco so you accomplished your socks [TS]

  you know what I do with socks if they're [TS]

  not if they're not totally thrashed if [TS]

  they're just like these socks have have [TS]

  run their course and imperfect socks are [TS]

  in the family of things that I will put [TS]

  back into the river which is to say that [TS]

  once you get like ten pairs of socks [TS]

  that are all going out you bind them [TS]

  together into a into like a like a like [TS]

  a bindle like a bindle of socks a bale [TS]

  of socks and you take them and you just [TS]

  put them on top of a mailbox somewhere [TS]

  on a busy street and I Karen tu those [TS]

  socks will be gone in ten minutes [TS]

  but by like a by a fetishist or somebody [TS]

  who just wants to have [TS]

  you socks just for like a collection [TS]

  like who do you think's picking those up [TS]

  who know who know this is the this is [TS]

  the beautiful thing about the river the [TS]

  river if you if you put something down [TS]

  if you put something and put a sign on [TS]

  it that says free oh yes it goes away [TS]

  yes almost invariably it goes away now [TS]

  if you put if you put a filthy child's [TS]

  car seat down with a sign that says free [TS]

  it will not go away it will it will stay [TS]

  there and it will grow moss so don't do [TS]

  that nobody likes those but things like [TS]

  socks which you would not think anybody [TS]

  would have a purpose see I've heard it [TS]

  said hey listen don't donate socks that [TS]

  are used donate socks that are fresh [TS]

  people could really that's actually one [TS]

  of the most needed things and like a [TS]

  shelter is socks but nobody wants your [TS]

  use socks is a thing I've always heard [TS]

  and yet mmm a bale of socks will go and [TS]

  once it goes once it's in the river once [TS]

  it goes into the Ganges of reeds your [TS]

  neighborhood right you don't have to [TS]

  worry whether it's a sock fetishist [TS]

  whether someone's making puppets oh it's [TS]

  your brother I'll take the socks just [TS]

  take them whether it could have been the [TS]

  Red Hot Chili Peppers that grab oh of [TS]

  course does he need that for their for [TS]

  their attire yeah so you put in the [TS]

  river in the socks go somewhere you put [TS]

  it in the river and I don't put [TS]

  everything in the river I don't just [TS]

  take my garbage and just put it out no [TS]

  no open go it also has socks here's the [TS]

  thing now I'm a clod and you get [TS]

  underwear socks and shirts they all look [TS]

  good and they perform well too good for [TS]

  working out going on dates or just [TS]

  everyday life that's that that's Mack [TS]

  Walton so so what you do is if you have [TS]

  put your socks into the river or your [TS]

  super Underpants and you're ready to [TS]

  re-up please go to Mack Walton calm and [TS]

  use the very special promo code our OTO [TS]

  just like it sounds RIT I'll get you 20% [TS]

  off your order I'm pulling for the pima [TS]

  cotton long sleeve t-shirt and the white [TS]

  t-shirt sounds like you're pulling for [TS]

  the pastel-colored [TS]

  a silver Underpants well not necessarily [TS]

  because I also bought two pairs of [TS]

  silver socks why I've never had thing [TS]

  I've never had them before and I'm [TS]

  hoping I'm hoping that they in [TS]

  crease my bulletproof a tude to the [TS]

  point that I basically can defeat the [TS]

  Joker or whatever it is that everybody [TS]

  is so scared about if the killings had [TS]

  been wearing these he wouldn't be so [TS]

  fucked up [TS]

  haha he got dipped they helped him by [TS]

  his he's a little tendon and they dipped [TS]

  him into the water as a baby to make him [TS]

  bulletproof for arrow proof and that's [TS]

  why you got an Achilles tendon though [TS]

  dur mm-hmm extended crew sucks oh here [TS]

  we go super fine cotton anti-odor silver [TS]

  business smart oh these are handsome all [TS]

  the compatible I think I need this [TS]

  that's what I'm saying I get these I [TS]

  think I got the extended crew yeah I [TS]

  didn't know my socks for silver I don't [TS]

  even [TS]

  but wait they've got them that casual is [TS]

  not silver and then you go down and [TS]

  you've got the extended crew right [TS]

  extended group extended crew well we [TS]

  know there's extended crew in casual [TS]

  there's extended crew and silver there's [TS]

  extended crew in merino okay okay so [TS]

  there are several extended crews but if [TS]

  you get the silver ones that are [TS]

  business smart mm-hmm I feel like they [TS]

  also and I got them I got them so that [TS]

  they're very distinctive from my other [TS]

  socks that's what I did too yeah so it's [TS]

  like when it's time to put on because I [TS]

  remember when I had this silver [TS]

  Underpants before before millennium [TS]

  girlfriend stole them that I was when I [TS]

  put them on I did feel more like doctor [TS]

  does and now that I have the socks too I [TS]

  can decide like am I just wearing silver [TS]

  socks today without the underpants right [TS]

  be that guy right you don't be too [TS]

  matching match you don't want to be like [TS]

  Ken Stringfellow wearing all denims [TS]

  yeah well maybe maybe sometimes you know [TS]

  maybe if it's like I this is it this is [TS]

  a heavy day I need some extra protection [TS]

  so you gonna Mack welding comm using [TS]

  special promo code RIT I'll get you 20% [TS]

  off our thanks to Mack well done for [TS]

  supporting yeah Radek online and all the [TS]

  great shows yeah thank you for making [TS]

  slick thing whatever this thing is yes [TS]

  anyway so you were in Slovakia house in [TS]

  Slovakia I could've done worse and I [TS]

  think so yeah I mean yeah I didn't say [TS]

  anything gross [TS]

  Gudrun was better than the paisley [TS]

  mattress okay yeah so her slovakia we're [TS]

  in slovakia and i'm walking and it was [TS]

  one of these days sometimes you had [TS]

  these days where the distances that you [TS]

  wanted to go like I want to go 35 to 40 [TS]

  kilometers in a day and there were there [TS]

  were some days where 35 to 40 kilometers [TS]

  put me in a place where I was not around [TS]

  anywhere I could stop you know it's like [TS]

  it's like when you're on tour and you've [TS]

  just got to get through Canada Yeah [TS]

  right you don't want to drive 12 hours [TS]

  ever on tour it's too much but there are [TS]

  just some places where it's like sorry [TS]

  man if you're going from Calgary you [TS]

  know to Winnipeg you've just got to [TS]

  drive and it's just there's no other way [TS]

  around it you can't there's no show you [TS]

  can book in the middle and this was one [TS]

  of those days yes yes [TS]

  either I stopped with it with like [TS]

  basically what I would consider a half [TS]

  day and stop in this town that's 15 [TS]

  kilometers from where I started which [TS]

  just feels like me twerp and a lot of [TS]

  times I would get to that town and I'd [TS]

  look around and I'd say does this feel [TS]

  like a cool enough town that I could [TS]

  just call it a half-day and hang out [TS]

  here understand there's there's a [TS]

  balance between on the one hand you want [TS]

  to feel like you've made enough progress [TS]

  for the day and you got a map right [TS]

  mm-hmm feel like you've done enough for [TS]

  the day like if you only went like I've [TS]

  known 15 kilometres is I don't know what [TS]

  that is in regular money but like if you [TS]

  go huh it's a distance okay but like if [TS]

  you only if you made it for miles today [TS]

  it would not feel substantial enough but [TS]

  you have to weigh that against oh [TS]

  there's this very small town that mean [TS]

  I'll accommodate me but I got to go ride [TS]

  with 20 miles is that the is that the [TS]

  balance yeah and you look at a map and [TS]

  you see like oh there's a big big area [TS]

  here where there are no towns I'm [TS]

  guessing it's a swamp or as an other [TS]

  sort of uninhabitable they were coming [TS]

  up the map you [TS]

  had might not be right anymore like that [TS]

  that road is gone like Ronald Reagan [TS]

  changed that it's a different road now [TS]

  and your atlas from before isn't gonna [TS]

  be so baller today this is just any I'm [TS]

  guessing a lot at the Times cuz it [TS]

  doesn't say Swampert if it does it says [TS]

  it in Slovakia that's big map edge of [TS]

  swamp town so this was one of those days [TS]

  and I got I went through this little [TS]

  town and I and I remember actually going [TS]

  through a town and saying to someone [TS]

  stopping someone in the in the street [TS]

  and saying is there a hotel in this town [TS]

  and they looked at me with this with [TS]

  this particularly like late 20th century [TS]

  Slavic look and they were like no as [TS]

  though having as though having a hotel [TS]

  in that town was stupid thing for me to [TS]

  say it was like two levels of ignorance [TS]

  I was like on the one hand you didn't [TS]

  know if there was a hotel but then you [TS]

  didn't even know what a dumb question it [TS]

  was yeah and I I looked at them and then [TS]

  as we parted ways I thought to myself [TS]

  who is the dummy like you guys are [TS]

  figuring out like a market economy and I [TS]

  know from talking to a lot of people on [TS]

  this side of what had formerly been the [TS]

  wall there's a lot of feeling of like [TS]

  resentment about the intrusion of this [TS]

  this expectation of a market economy but [TS]

  all you have to do is say yes come to my [TS]

  house and I'll pay you what seems like [TS]

  to you probably a lot of money like the [TS]

  original gig economy yeah I'll pay you [TS]

  $25 which is that's like all the dots [TS]

  yeah that's a lot and all you have to do [TS]

  is have a bed in the back of your [TS]

  fucking warehouse so whoo-hoo why are [TS]

  you so smug about the fact that you [TS]

  don't have a fucking hotel in your town [TS]

  like get with the program um which way [TS]

  you know which was like [TS]

  but there's probably a little Pensione [TS]

  there now anyway so I kept walking and I [TS]

  walked and walked and it was a great day [TS]

  it was like beautiful day it was a long [TS]

  sort of pleasant walk it was kind of a [TS]

  swamp but it wasn't like a pestilent [TS]

  swamp it was just like a lowland there [TS]

  were some birds it was like there's a [TS]

  lot of that area around the Danube [TS]

  that's kind of River Basin II so there's [TS]

  a lot of water and this was a [TS]

  particularly rainy season anyway I get [TS]

  to the end of the day and I'm still [TS]

  quite a ways out from this town that I'm [TS]

  going to which is called Cola Robo and I [TS]

  just keep plugging along because there's [TS]

  just nowhere - there's just nothing to [TS]

  do you know I could stop and pitch a [TS]

  tent like on the side of the road in [TS]

  three inches of water uh or I could keep [TS]

  going and I kept going and then it [TS]

  started to rain and then the Sun went [TS]

  down and so now I'm walking in the dark [TS]

  in the rain and I get to kolarov oh and [TS]

  it's a fairly big little town and I walk [TS]

  all the way to the center which is on a [TS]

  river and there's a like Community Club [TS]

  you know this sort of former former [TS]

  Eastern Bloc sort of like sporting club [TS]

  which is a bar where they also play [TS]

  music and it's a youth center you know [TS]

  it's all this stuff and I roll into this [TS]

  place and I you know I'm super wet and I [TS]

  get a coke and I sit down at a table and [TS]

  like inevitably somebody some brave [TS]

  young person comes over and goes what [TS]

  are you and I say I'm an American I'm [TS]

  walking across Slovakia and they're like [TS]

  wow and so all of a sudden I'm sitting [TS]

  at a table with like six really great [TS]

  20-something slovak s-- [TS]

  and we're having a good time we're [TS]

  talking they're talking to each other a [TS]

  lot more than they're talking to me but [TS]

  we're enjoying each other and then an [TS]

  interesting curiosity I'm a curiosity [TS]

  and they are [TS]

  slow box who are this is something that [TS]

  you learn over time they are Hungarian [TS]

  slow box they are speaking Hungarian [TS]

  they think of themselves as ethnically [TS]

  Hungarian but they're also very sort of [TS]

  nationalistic we Slovakian they don't [TS]

  want to reunite with Hungary they have a [TS]

  Slovak identity but they are Hungarians [TS]

  and in this part of Slovakia it is [TS]

  majority Hungarians and they listen to [TS]

  Hungarian radio and they you know that's [TS]

  it's a it's one of the quizzical [TS]

  aftermath of the dissolution of the [TS]

  austro-hungarian Empire that's a world [TS]

  war one type situation yeah I mean they [TS]

  took Hungary used to be big and after [TS]

  after tree Annan they chopped it all [TS]

  apart and they gave some of it to [TS]

  Romania and some of it to Slovakia and [TS]

  some of it to all the nations on all [TS]

  sides they even gave some to Austria [TS]

  which doesn't make any sense at all and [TS]

  there are lots of in some of those [TS]

  places like in Romania they kind of [TS]

  pushed to the Hungarians out and so you [TS]

  go to these towns and it's like [TS]

  everything's written in Hungarian but [TS]

  it's all Romanians living there now but [TS]

  in Slovakia the Hungarians stayed there [TS]

  they just are now slow box anyway so I'm [TS]

  you know sitting there kind of learning [TS]

  all this and I think I think maybe this [TS]

  was the town where I started to really [TS]

  grasp a bit [TS]

  grasp a bit [TS]

  because I'd been walking for a long time [TS]

  talking to people in in like pidgin [TS]

  Slovak which I which is similar enough [TS]

  to check that I by this point had [TS]

  learned enough of it that I could greet [TS]

  people and say like hello is there a [TS]

  hotel and I got a lot of like sneers [TS]

  from people and it was only sort of [TS]

  right around this point that I realized [TS]

  oh they are all speaking Hungarian and [TS]

  so I'd been speaking to them in Slovakia [TS]

  and that was a faux pas so these kids [TS]

  explained it to me as I'm sitting there [TS]

  going this you know this radio station [TS]

  we're all listening to doesn't sound [TS]

  like it's in Slovakia and they were like [TS]

  hahaha ding-a-ling so then I broached [TS]

  the topic can I stay with one of you [TS]

  tonight [TS]

  and then if then there's always that [TS]

  like oops and everybody kind of looks at [TS]

  their fingernails mm-hm [TS]

  but I'd been doing this long enough that [TS]

  I knew somebody was probably gonna step [TS]

  forward 100% take that's right and [TS]

  because I I'd asked already like is [TS]

  there a hotel in this town and the [TS]

  answer had come back no not really and [TS]

  it's a pretty big town oh what it was [TS]

  was there were hotels but they were all [TS]

  booked up permanently and I heard this a [TS]

  lot - yeah they're like four hotels in [TS]

  town but they're all booked fully always [TS]

  by people living in them so they're not [TS]

  really hotels anymore they're apartments [TS]

  Wow okay but they're they're like people [TS]

  there they're workers here like highway [TS]

  workers and they just live in the hotels [TS]

  so don't bother calling the hotels [TS]

  because there won't be any rooms now [TS]

  whether or not that's true or not is [TS]

  left to history but that was the that [TS]

  was what allowed me to say well can I [TS]

  stay with one of you and then they have [TS]

  to look out and say it's raining it's 11 [TS]

  o'clock at night so one of the kids says [TS]

  look we're all leaving tomorrow [TS]

  early in the morning on a big adventure [TS]

  where we're going to Hungary for some [TS]

  adventure [TS]

  and so you can stay at my house I'll [TS]

  stay at my friend's house and then but [TS]

  but the problem with that is that we're [TS]

  all gonna wake up at 7:00 in the morning [TS]

  and you have to leave and I was like [TS]

  that's fine that's great and then they [TS]

  say well are my my place is like on the [TS]

  other side of town which is only a [TS]

  kilometer away it's not far but it's the [TS]

  middle of the night it's raining they're [TS]

  like hop in the car and we'll drive over [TS]

  to the apartment and I'm like I haven't [TS]

  been in a car in months [TS]

  like on principle I'm walking from [TS]

  Amsterdam to Istanbul but it's very hard [TS]

  to look at these that look at this guy [TS]

  who's like you can stay in my apartment [TS]

  we're leaving now it's already now you [TS]

  know you're not gonna get a full night's [TS]

  sleep because by the time you get there [TS]

  and fall asleep it's gonna be one in the [TS]

  morning and we're I'm gonna show up at I [TS]

  don't know what it was 6:00 a.m. or [TS]

  something it's gonna be brutally early [TS]

  and doesn't help to add a little element [TS]

  of a little game to it that makes you [TS]

  seem like a weirdo if you're gonna be at [TS]

  the house right yeah right where I'm [TS]

  like well just tell me where it is and [TS]

  I'll walk you guys drive the American [TS]

  does not want to get in a car just so [TS]

  right here right I'm gonna walk there in [TS]

  the rain I'm gonna walk that kilometer [TS]

  you know we can look up the street and [TS]

  they're like it's just up that street [TS]

  it's just you can see up there where the [TS]

  light is you turn and there's not even a [TS]

  traffic light in this town or if there's [TS]

  there's one but they're like up there [TS]

  where that you know where that blue [TS]

  light is and I'm like it's very close [TS]

  it's I'm just gonna walk and they're [TS]

  like um really like let's get this over [TS]

  with and I'm like okay and I pile into [TS]

  the car and we drive this one kilometer [TS]

  then the guy puts me in his house and [TS]

  I'm ensconced and he had one of those [TS]

  weird houses where everything was in [TS]

  black and white like he had a he had [TS]

  like black-and-white checkerboard if he [TS]

  went into his bathroom all of his all of [TS]

  his like accoutrements were all black [TS]

  and it seemed it seemed very [TS]

  and it seemed very like there was a [TS]

  Nagel print you know it was he had a [TS]

  whole look look yeah but then in the [TS]

  morning he wakes me up it's cold it's [TS]

  it's foggy because we're in a river [TS]

  bottom and I step out the door of his [TS]

  apartment and I look up the road to the [TS]

  center which is one kilometre back and I [TS]

  look at my map and the direction I'm [TS]

  going is the opposite way and it's gonna [TS]

  take me probably a kilometer to get back [TS]

  to the main road from this kit you know [TS]

  in the opposite direction and like the [TS]

  other side of the triangle and I and I [TS]

  sit there and I go do I walk the [TS]

  kilometer back to my starting point or [TS]

  do I just start walking in the direction [TS]

  that I'm going and the fog and the cold [TS]

  and the and the fact that I was like uh [TS]

  tired and fucked up and you know of [TS]

  course there's no coffee anywhere so [TS]

  there's a little over half a mile yeah [TS]

  it doesn't seem that far it's not you [TS]

  can't throw it you can't throw a frisbee [TS]

  a kilometer even if you had a wrist [TS]

  rocket and really pull back on it I [TS]

  don't know if you could get a if you [TS]

  could get a ball-bearing [TS]

  a kilometer I I go frequently to a place [TS]

  that's exactly half a mile from my house [TS]

  and that's about an eight minute walk [TS]

  yeah [TS]

  right and so I don't I don't walk back [TS]

  to get my boots on home plate which is [TS]

  the last place my boots were before I [TS]

  got into this car I just walked the [TS]

  other way and I'm in it and I'm like [TS]

  it's it's a kilometer back to the road [TS]

  it's fine it just it makes up for itself [TS]

  you know but I introduced into my system [TS]

  which was that I was walking from [TS]

  Amsterdam to Istanbul in an [TS]

  uninterrupted series of beep [TS]

  where I even would walk upstairs rather [TS]

  than take an escalator I introduced this [TS]

  one kilometer break which although I [TS]

  walked 3,000 kilometers is still there [TS]

  as a little tiny tiny little like [TS]

  hairpin from one side of and not even [TS]

  from one side of Kolarov o to the other [TS]

  but just from centre of Kohler OVA to [TS]

  this guy's apartment it's just a pea [TS]

  under my mattress oh my god and I don't [TS]

  let it discredit my whole thing oh my [TS]

  god although there is at least one [TS]

  legislator in the parliament that that [TS]

  runs for office and gets elected every [TS]

  every election cycle on the strength of [TS]

  the fact that he wants an investigation [TS]

  oh my god that's hanging over your head [TS]

  he just is there he's just that one the [TS]

  one parliamentarian who has an issue [TS]

  with the one kilometre she's in the [TS]

  opposition and for him you know that is [TS]

  that's his like his like the the one [TS]

  reason that he keeps getting elected [TS]

  like it's his Benghazi that's his that's [TS]

  his bringing coal back yeah and so he'll [TS]

  never get he'll never put a coalition [TS]

  together where he forms a new government [TS]

  and there's an investigation into [TS]

  whether that kilometre in Colorado is a [TS]

  as a thing where I have to go back and [TS]

  walk that whole distance again I have to [TS]

  fly to Bratislava and take a bus to coal [TS]

  or ovo and make that and and close that [TS]

  link but that walk across Europe was the [TS]

  first thing I ever finished the first [TS]

  thing that I ever concluded all the way [TS]

  then I got there and I was like I did it [TS]

  I went the whole distance there were a [TS]

  million things [TS]

  million reasons why I shouldn't have [TS]

  including that it was a stupid idea to [TS]

  begin with but along the way there there [TS]

  were fifty opportunities to just be like [TS]

  you know what this is fine like I made [TS]

  it all the way to Stara Zagora I can [TS]

  just like I can cash my chips now and I [TS]

  never did I made it the whole way with [TS]

  the exception of this kilometer and the [TS]

  it's not only the first thing I ever [TS]

  finished but also I get to keep it in [TS]

  that category of things that if I want [TS]

  to say you know if I want to look at it [TS]

  if I want it to be an unopened diploma [TS]

  on my shelf I can I can also shift my [TS]

  perception in and have it be that that [TS]

  might be the most John Rodrick story [TS]

  you've ever told [TS]

  sure anymore what makes it what what is [TS]

  the qualification of that but no they'll [TS]

  know [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  a kilometer okay okay hang on before we [TS]

  go one more thing John yes we got to [TS]

  tell people you need to come see us at a [TS]

  sketch fest oh yeah we're we're next [TS]

  Monday instead of doing our show as we [TS]

  normally do we're gonna be doing a live [TS]

  show best yeah so come on see there's [TS]

  lots of good stuff going on but the fuck [TS]

  all that [TS]

  come see us you go buy tickets there's [TS]

  Lincoln show notes that you can find or [TS]

  you can google Rodrick on the line [TS]

  Sketchfest [TS]

  but we'd love it if you came out to see [TS]

  us do yes for sure [TS]

  Travel long travel long distances to [TS]

  come see you well kilometer [TS]

  [Music] [TS]