Roderick on the Line

Ep. 255: "The Fancy-Enough Window"


  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John [TS]

  hi Merlyn how's it going good hmm yeah I [TS]

  I made some eye I made some stunning [TS]

  coffee today [TS]

  Wow tell me about it well coffee around [TS]

  here has been kind of kind of not that [TS]

  good lately I've just been sort of just [TS]

  phoning it in you haven't been doing as [TS]

  much public speaking at appearances no I [TS]

  just mean you have been getting gift [TS]

  bags with free coffee in it right hmm [TS]

  yeah but I've lately I've gone ahead and [TS]

  just bought coffee [TS]

  oh that's all yeah I know it's a bit to [TS]

  hurt but I thought like that yeah but uh [TS]

  but I haven't just been you know like I [TS]

  use a coffee pot I don't know there's [TS]

  nothing fancy about me I'm not you know [TS]

  I don't think I'm better than you but [TS]

  I've just not even been using the coffee [TS]

  pot very very well I've just been sort [TS]

  of pouring some coffee in do you have a [TS]

  mr. coffee style drip coffee maker [TS]

  that's right mm-hmm how much do you make [TS]

  when you make coffee [TS]

  I always make an entire pot is that [TS]

  other convenience for knowing the [TS]

  measurements or is that like an [TS]

  aspirational pot I figure well it's it's [TS]

  partly make all the bacon mm-hmm [TS]

  we got to write an e-book at some point [TS]

  Oh big Gulf bacon man [TS]

  I always make all the bacon make all the [TS]

  column I'll save these two strips for [TS]

  that day that's definitely coming in the [TS]

  next day or two or I want to make [TS]

  exactly two strips of bacon yeah or like [TS]

  sometimes people will stay over at the [TS]

  house and I'll come downstairs in the [TS]

  morning and they will have made enough [TS]

  coffee for us both uh-huh I'm like what [TS]

  you don't know what's gonna happen the [TS]

  rest of this day what it's a power goes [TS]

  out where exactly what the fuck enough [TS]

  coffee it's it's another version of [TS]

  packing a small bag which will [TS]

  definitely be in our ebook or like you [TS]

  know for me I know you're a fan of [TS]

  noodles you you know you got me I used [TS]

  to be a whenever I'd make steak I would [TS]

  often make rice I still sometimes make [TS]

  rice you [TS]

  you got me into I remember one day I [TS]

  said hey we're making steaks and you [TS]

  really yeah steaks and I made steaks and [TS]

  I served the steaks with some probably [TS]

  some wild rice and he said no noodles [TS]

  noodles and but you know I see you in [TS]

  the noodles mistake I gotta tell ya I [TS]

  have come around egg noodle with steak a [TS]

  delight the fatter the egg noodle the [TS]

  wider the egg noodle the bed of the [TS]

  steak so I get him why'd I get him why [TS]

  but here's the thing sometimes don't [TS]

  think cuz you know I got a kid she eats [TS]

  a lot of pasta products and I'll gonna [TS]

  put some noodles in there here's the [TS]

  amount of noodles to make if you've got [TS]

  a bag a regular grocery store bag of [TS]

  noodles you either make hardly any or [TS]

  all of them yep cuz nobody wants a [TS]

  quarter of a bag of egg noodles that [TS]

  will never come in handy he'll let me [TS]

  put a rubber band right let me let me [TS]

  spend 25 cents on the ziplock bag for [TS]

  this make all the noodles mm-hmm make [TS]

  all the bacon pennies talking about [TS]

  pennies yeah make all like an entire pot [TS]

  of coffee every every time you make [TS]

  coffee make an entire pot and leave it [TS]

  either sitting on the counter until it's [TS]

  done or if you're going away on a trip [TS]

  for more than three days go ahead and [TS]

  put it in the fridge but also like make [TS]

  like make all the like a you know my [TS]

  daughter's mother does a thing where she [TS]

  will make some food serve it and then [TS]

  keep some in reserve which i think is [TS]

  great always keep a little bit in [TS]

  reserve always keep you know two cups [TS]

  back in the pot I mean of the produced [TS]

  product or of the source material of the [TS]

  produced product example well what's [TS]

  your what you're thinking about in this [TS]

  context is seconds or leftovers okay [TS]

  mm-hmm if you get to the point in the [TS]

  meal where you're like I couldn't eat [TS]

  another bite then you've got a super [TS]

  nice little lunch II sized leftover [TS]

  throwing a throwing you're throwing your [TS]

  snap top refrigerator glass uh-huh it's [TS]

  not enough for like a big meal but when [TS]

  you're when you're poking around [TS]

  the fridge one o'clock in the afternoon [TS]

  you're like ah all I want is an apple [TS]

  really but then you're like oh look at [TS]

  this mm-hmm look up look up ups of this [TS]

  good stuff or you get done and you're [TS]

  like I just want some more and you go [TS]

  all right I got more cops said you kept [TS]

  some in reserve kept some in reserves so [TS]

  there's that on this once - Oh Stu you [TS]

  can always use a little more Stu well [TS]

  and you can always throw anything in Stu [TS]

  that's called us to routinely I make [TS]

  stew which is just all the stuff that I [TS]

  don't want and wouldn't eat otherwise [TS]

  kind of Pacific northwestern goulash [TS]

  little bit every culture has a goulash [TS]

  they do and it's one of the it's one of [TS]

  the words that everyone understands even [TS]

  if you go to Outer Mongolia you're gonna [TS]

  find you're gonna say goulash and [TS]

  they're gonna go oh yeah okay Peleg oh [TS]

  yeah always at least around here has one [TS]

  freezer burn chicken breast in it it [TS]

  might have even one piece of fish that I [TS]

  don't remember how it came here and I [TS]

  don't know how to cook fish that never [TS]

  survives my freezer cleanouts [TS]

  my sanity saving freezer clean outs that [TS]

  I occasionally do Trader Joe's packaged [TS]

  so the portion is very modest it's way [TS]

  too much for one person who doesn't care [TS]

  that much tougher tilapia and it's it's [TS]

  not even nearly enough for three people [TS]

  who are not into tilapia it's there's no [TS]

  good amount of tilapia you throw it away [TS]

  you know tilapia is the only fish that [TS]

  can survive in the Salton Sea I did not [TS]

  know that Salton Sea has become so [TS]

  polluted with the chemical runoff and [TS]

  just like pure heavy metals that rise up [TS]

  from the bottom of the earth it killed [TS]

  everything if you go to the Salton Sea [TS]

  the banks of the sea which is an [TS]

  enormous sea still are I mean the [TS]

  beaches are made out of dead and [TS]

  decaying fish it's oh my god [TS]

  these fluids are horrible kupaka well [TS]

  this is very upsetting [TS]

  yeah you can't baby around this enormous [TS]

  see that you can barely see it across to [TS]

  the other side without like crunching on [TS]

  a thousand years worth of dead fish what [TS]

  apparently mmm [TS]

  tilapia thrive in that environment and [TS]

  there are billions of them and did for [TS]

  them yeah right it could cause me to [TS]

  have new respect for tilapia of fish I [TS]

  might add I had never heard of until 12 [TS]

  years ago it's whenever garbage foods [TS]

  that comes along every few years and [TS]

  they say well today's gonna be the hand [TS]

  caught tilapia certainly tilapia is [TS]

  everywhere my sense of it was that after [TS]

  the fishing collapsed off the Grand [TS]

  Banks after we had absolutely over [TS]

  fished to the point that the fish stock [TS]

  could no longer survive that we had [TS]

  caught so many fish they couldn't breed [TS]

  with each other anymore [TS]

  uh-huh and the fish went away in the [TS]

  North Atlantic where formerly we've [TS]

  gotten all of our fish you get all your [TS]

  you get your caught up there right it's [TS]

  your card you get your other fish that [TS]

  you don't think about that much until [TS]

  somebody names them and you're like oh [TS]

  yeah that's a fish that's definitely a [TS]

  fish all those fish up there and the big [TS]

  big big fish the fish that have lived [TS]

  600 years and and and can like use just [TS]

  a tiny little punching motion to break [TS]

  their way out of a coffin [TS]

  those fish smart fish all gone and then [TS]

  all of a sudden tilapia a garbage fish [TS]

  that can live in a polluted desert lake [TS]

  suddenly that's on all the menus and [TS]

  suddenly you can buy that by the bag and [TS]

  I'm like hmm where all these tilapia [TS]

  coming from I literally never heard of [TS]

  this fish this is this is a very quick [TS]

  derail here but but you enjoy fish like [TS]

  if somebody makes it for you he makes me [TS]

  a fish I will love it I think we can I [TS]

  think you're the thin end of this wedge [TS]

  for you and I don't want to make work [TS]

  for you as you know I think what you do [TS]

  is you go somewhere real nice I hear [TS]

  they have fresh fish in Seattle this is [TS]

  something that I figure and I don't know [TS]

  if you get this but I think you should [TS]

  get something like Gaya what's that [TS]

  fancy one I like not haddock but oh I [TS]

  just hadn't the name in my head what's [TS]

  the one grouper good if you get a good a [TS]

  grouper or similar [TS]

  get a real meaty heavy fish fresh as [TS]

  possible and come home and prepare that [TS]

  with some butter [TS]

  I think that's gonna remind you that [TS]

  fish can be good so I did the other day [TS]

  so I did buy an aspirational bag of [TS]

  Trader Joe's tilapia fillets my god [TS]

  never eaten any of those it's as big as [TS]

  a sack of flour and add every time I [TS]

  open the refrigerator I'm like it's like [TS]

  playing a bill on the fridge that you [TS]

  know you should also you should join a [TS]

  gym like back in the 70s you put a pig [TS]

  on your refrigerator to remind you're on [TS]

  your diet yeah right likes you asshole [TS]

  it's just like open the fridge and it's [TS]

  just an alarm of all the serve you and [TS]

  you put something in there you know it's [TS]

  just gonna make you feel bad [TS]

  so I said self mmm let's go let's go big [TS]

  shot this is easy to buy and let's get [TS]

  you know let's jump in here so I took [TS]

  out what I thought was a reasonable [TS]

  amount of these tilapias question are [TS]

  they in a like a block or were they say [TS]

  flash-frozen such that you could pull [TS]

  one out like with a chicken breast [TS]

  flash-frozen like a chicken brandeis and [TS]

  I think I threw four of them yeah [TS]

  they're small threw them into a pan with [TS]

  some oil or butter I don't remember [TS]

  which threw some salt and pepper on them [TS]

  cooked them until they appeared to be [TS]

  done ish and item that with some rice [TS]

  rice saying hmm and and I was like not [TS]

  bad not good not bad so the next time I [TS]

  made a za terranes [TS]

  mmm rice in a box new orleans-style [TS]

  you make the rice in a box msg PI I'm a [TS]

  huge fan of the saturate oh brother I [TS]

  don't know look I got a whole [TS]

  methodology with this man 3 sausage [TS]

  buddy oh they're really good Jesse oh [TS]

  I'm very happy to hear this I thought I [TS]

  was I have been our mutual friend John [TS]

  siracusa has made fun of me because [TS]

  eat a lot of Zadar and rice with things [TS]

  in it no no no they're great and and [TS]

  it's another way to make stew right you [TS]

  can just throw anything into is that [TS]

  Naren swords that does he say you know [TS]

  it's great in there I just give you a [TS]

  quick tip if you got him I don't know if [TS]

  you got him I I live in a house with [TS]

  people so we have cherry tomatoes [TS]

  sometimes or those little baby tomatoes [TS]

  oh you put a bunch of those on top I [TS]

  don't have those no do you like that no [TS]

  but I do [TS]

  oh wait a minute but one time I did have [TS]

  a can a mysterious can of cherry [TS]

  tomatoes I can of cherry tomatoes thing [TS]

  I never would have purchased in my life [TS]

  I have no idea Paul Sabourin brought it [TS]

  here sign up no idea how it got in my [TS]

  school and I did put it into his at [TS]

  terrains [TS]

  it adds the Missal aspect does it make [TS]

  you sad I ran say no when it comes out [TS]

  you you know a little bit of salt can be [TS]

  nice I like to put a little crystal [TS]

  sauce in when it's cooking [TS]

  I'm just here I'll tell you once you I [TS]

  got it I've actually done an entire [TS]

  podcast about this I'm going to keep [TS]

  this short but when it's done without [TS]

  the boiling point right before you turn [TS]

  down the heat on your side arounds [TS]

  that's when you throw in a handful and a [TS]

  half of cherry tomatoes and even if you [TS]

  don't like tomatoes you're gonna [TS]

  discover this adds the x-factor you do [TS]

  know that it suggests it right on the [TS]

  box as a surface tchen all right all [TS]

  right okay okay I think I'm feeling it [TS]

  I'm feeling it now cuz they get big they [TS]

  must down oh they sure do they'll break [TS]

  up it's I I think it has the the it's [TS]

  one of the rare terrible foods that my [TS]

  wife and I both like to have once a week [TS]

  okay well here's life hack number 70,000 [TS]

  hmm throw a couple of tilapias tilapia [TS]

  in the SATA Rance [TS]

  yeah and they just you talking about [TS]

  leftovers here [TS]

  no I'm saying go into your freezer bag [TS]

  yeah and then the tilapia goes in and [TS]

  then it gets you know it it becomes it's [TS]

  not it doesn't disappear it's not like [TS]

  tuna it chunks up and then you've got [TS]

  what is almost let's call it a like a [TS]

  fish stew or Coast copia call what's [TS]

  called cioppino cioppino you know you [TS]

  can go in there maybe grab a handful of [TS]

  those little throw [TS]

  shrimp stew oh and then you put some [TS]

  shrimps now you know I've hacked 70 [TS]

  thousand and fifty you know you throw [TS]

  them in when they're frozen they're [TS]

  gonna cook they're gonna cook right up [TS]

  and they're not gonna overcook and get [TS]

  all rubbery like a like a shrimp will do [TS]

  who is the fuckin sophisticate no no you [TS]

  are you're you're Johnny cioppino you're [TS]

  mister making fish do it other people [TS]

  are doing that the you know right now [TS]

  how many people right now are making [TS]

  fish doing home not many they're out [TS]

  there making apps they're making apps or [TS]

  they're making stomach and deluxe [TS]

  hamburgers you know like super [TS]

  hamburgers but I went to a beach party [TS]

  yesterday and and the the cook the [TS]

  barbecue was making hamburgers with [TS]

  chopped onions in the burger scrunched [TS]

  in the burger I've done that that's ham [TS]

  first you saute the onions first and [TS]

  then put Hanes and butter first so [TS]

  they're real soft and he kind of small [TS]

  enough so your daughter can't see them [TS]

  and then they're in the burger and they [TS]

  provide flavor without objection flavor [TS]

  without objection let me ask you this [TS]

  about the burger was it this is a [TS]

  leading question so FRA forgive the [TS]

  witness for considering this hostel it [TS]

  was it a normal sized human burger every [TS]

  one of those abominations this [TS]

  deliberately made way too big because [TS]

  men I would put this burger right in the [TS]

  sweet spot between those two sides [TS]

  that's a good spot when I walked over to [TS]

  the barbecue I was like mmm nice big fat [TS]

  burgers but I didn't say ah ya asshole [TS]

  and then when it went on the bun it was [TS]

  like right this is your girl goatee [TS]

  you'll make those burgers whether you [TS]

  want to or not you won't even notice [TS]

  it'll be like Westworld you get I can't [TS]

  see anything [TS]

  you're too big you're not impressing [TS]

  anybody that burned on the outside there [TS]

  on the middle and they're too big to put [TS]

  into human mouth yeah no I die I [TS]

  wouldn't support that and my friend who [TS]

  is throwing this party is not he's not [TS]

  that kind of guy although he did [TS]

  introduce me to the Yeti bag the Yeti [TS]

  bag I know the any microphone I don't [TS]

  know the Yeti bag Yeti bag is apparently [TS]

  something I was not I've heard about [TS]

  this it's very high-end right [TS]

  I was zero aware of it yesterday and [TS]

  then I became 100% aware of it somebody [TS]

  is on a camping trip [TS]

  i sat in the tent on my phone looking at [TS]

  these for an hour these are so cool well [TS]

  so at this beach party it's uh you know [TS]

  this is a beach party that's behind a [TS]

  door right so so it's not you know it's [TS]

  not exactly like it's not the 1% but [TS]

  it's not the 99% it's somewhere in the [TS]

  10% range to 12% area where where people [TS]

  can have a beach that is behind the door [TS]

  and my friend told this story about like [TS]

  I ordered this yeah i ordered this yeti [TS]

  bag online because it was you know like [TS]

  $50 cheaper then because they're [TS]

  expensive was cheaper than they would be [TS]

  elsewhere and i was like that's why you [TS]

  get things online and he said but i feel [TS]

  like it just came from some like post [TS]

  office box in alabama I feel like these [TS]

  things got I got heisted from a from a [TS]

  Cabela's watch that on the Amazon you [TS]

  got to watch because sometimes you'll [TS]

  get you get stuff it's you get like a [TS]

  used cooler or like a aftermarket eBay [TS]

  stock cooler well and so he's I mean [TS]

  these were new right but it but [TS]

  definitely felt like somebody in the [TS]

  middle of nowhere just sending these [TS]

  things out mannequins yeah a little [TS]

  shenanigan but the thing arrived and my [TS]

  friend apparently the trick about a Yeti [TS]

  bag is when you zip it you zip it and [TS]

  then at the end you have to kind of yank [TS]

  it you gotta pop it mm-hmm that locks it [TS]

  in it locks it in and once in the flavor [TS]

  it locks in the cold I throw some dry [TS]

  ice in there and you can be making ice [TS]

  cream in this thing just put it in the [TS]

  backseat of the car drive over the [TS]

  mountains he's made ice cream it's so [TS]

  cold in there and he didn't know he my [TS]

  friend did not read the instructions [TS]

  even though he I think maybe even looked [TS]

  at a YouTube video and everybody said [TS]

  you gotta yank it there at the end he [TS]

  didn't and he said to this guy this [TS]

  thing you sent me a defective bag gets [TS]

  broken uh-huh and the guy in Alabama [TS]

  miraculously are very responsibly sent [TS]

  another bag and my friend sent his bag [TS]

  back [TS]

  the second bag arrived and have the same [TS]

  problem than my friend it felt to him [TS]

  like the zipper was stuck the zipper was [TS]

  it was what it is is this when you look [TS]

  at the zipper it looks like it's [TS]

  misaligned that's part of the secret [TS]

  sauce that's how it works [TS]

  so my friend wrote back to a guy in [TS]

  Alabama and he was like hey man I'm [TS]

  sorry it was my fault I'm a dingaling I [TS]

  didn't know how to do this so you know [TS]

  I'll cover the shipping for both of [TS]

  these things and sorry for the [TS]

  inconvenience according to my friend the [TS]

  guy in Alabama gave him a little bit of [TS]

  what they call a little bit of the [TS]

  Alabama razzmatazz uh-huh [TS]

  said like oh yeah well what's up big [TS]

  smart city guy can't figure out how to [TS]

  use zipper dippers are complicated if [TS]

  you know gave him some dim sum threw him [TS]

  some shade uh-huh my friend was like [TS]

  well I'm not gonna be friends with this [TS]

  guy anyway so anyway let it ride he says [TS]

  couple of weeks later or maybe a month [TS]

  later the other yeti bag arrives back at [TS]

  his house where the sign on the thing [TS]

  says he nobody ever came to the [TS]

  post-office box to pick it up return to [TS]

  sender oh no so our cigars I called [TS]

  ghosting John well who knows what it is [TS]

  but Alabama ghosting I think Alabama I [TS]

  think it means Alabama went to jail [TS]

  oh now and so now my friend has to Yeti [TS]

  bags and he rolls into his beach club [TS]

  like mr. mr. conspicuous Yeti bag mr. [TS]

  mister like parks his Mercedes and right [TS]

  in front of the door New York City so [TS]

  he's telling this story and then I'm [TS]

  looking around the the looking around [TS]

  the Country Club [TS]

  there's Yeti bags everywhere because [TS]

  it's within this tiny little subculture [TS]

  of 12% earth that's the bag yeah you [TS]

  gotta have and I was like wow wow I fell [TS]

  into a micro scene did you get a foam oh [TS]

  like a like a Ford yeah and I'm a fear [TS]

  of missing out as the Millennials say oh [TS]

  you know you should [TS]

  did you feel backless no because uh I [TS]

  don't ever pack things to take anywhere [TS]

  else that I care whether those things [TS]

  are hot or cold later episode it's one [TS]

  thing you have your Filson bag for [TS]

  travel it's another thing to go to a [TS]

  cookout where you're gonna lose it as [TS]

  easy as you lose your flip-flops [TS]

  well that and also like gin general I [TS]

  want my I want everything at room [TS]

  temperature oh right [TS]

  so if I was going to a barbecue and I [TS]

  was taking a bunch of Meads I think I [TS]

  would assume I was gonna get there in [TS]

  time to cook it where it was it didn't [TS]

  it wasn't a problem that I just threw [TS]

  the meat into the bottom of a grocery [TS]

  bag and I know you don't want a super [TS]

  cold fresca I don't want a super cold [TS]

  fresca I don't drink beer which is the [TS]

  number one thing that people are like [TS]

  wow you got to keep it cold and I'm if [TS]

  I'm going somewhere and it's not like I [TS]

  take three cokes with me that I want to [TS]

  keep anyway I never use a cooler for [TS]

  anything and I there's a little while on [TS]

  tour where we kept a cooler in the van [TS]

  which seemed like a you know a real like [TS]

  Vanderslice ething to do like uh we're [TS]

  really living it deluxe a little bit [TS]

  deluxe like now we got cold this is your [TS]

  this is your first day you know it's a [TS]

  good idea to have something like this in [TS]

  your van exactly except when you're on [TS]

  tour it's so freakin boring that when [TS]

  you when you are thirsty pull over [TS]

  because you just want a chance to go [TS]

  into the truck stop and look at all the [TS]

  commemorative spoons uh-huh even for the [TS]

  five minutes that it takes to like fill [TS]

  up the gas and get a pop like the idea [TS]

  that you're gonna put this cooler in [TS]

  there and just like you're on a camping [TS]

  trip I don't know it's not my is it we [TS]

  ended up not using it that much mm-hmm [TS]

  so I mean you know a cooler is [TS]

  ultimately a cooler it does a it does [TS]

  something for you but it also becomes a [TS]

  job where like you now you've got to [TS]

  keep ice in there and then the first [TS]

  time somebody doesn't feel like putting [TS]

  ice in there now you just you don't [TS]

  really have a cooler anymore [TS]

  and if you notice this now I am somebody [TS]

  who likes a cold beverage if I'm at a [TS]

  hotel I'll put a ton of ice into the [TS]

  drink I think there's new I think [TS]

  they're using new technologies to make [TS]

  ice melt faster I'm pretty sure I think [TS]

  a lot of the ice you see nowadays [TS]

  because it's more easier to manage water [TS]

  the liquid than a solid but that's the [TS]

  thing that's the thing with a cooler a [TS]

  cooler is a job and if nobody's really [TS]

  that into it there's not gonna be [TS]

  anybody who becomes the coolers are well [TS]

  this is why I this is why I stopped [TS]

  buying records at some point in the late [TS]

  80s because if you're buying records [TS]

  then you got to maintain a stereo and if [TS]

  you're maintaining a stereo then you got [TS]

  to maintain an address and even if [TS]

  you're even if you have a Walkman and [TS]

  are listening to tapes you gotta have [TS]

  batteries and for that basically you [TS]

  might as well have an address if you're [TS]

  buying batteries yeah and so I stopped [TS]

  buying new music I stopped listening to [TS]

  music on the Reg because it it suggested [TS]

  this whole I mean you had to have a [TS]

  lifestyle he had to have a lifestyle [TS]

  that I couldn't maintain that's a really [TS]

  good point and it seems like and then I [TS]

  never regained the habit of buying music [TS]

  because by the time I had gotten all the [TS]

  way back to a place where it's like now [TS]

  I've got a lifestyle I was in my early [TS]

  40s right it was too late music [TS]

  alternating the creation of music not [TS]

  consuming it that's right [TS]

  it's job and so it cooler feels like the [TS]

  same thing you got to keep the you got [TS]

  have to keep the cooler cooler the [TS]

  cooler coolant in the freezer freezin [TS]

  it's in the freezer freezing to be the [TS]

  cooler cooler huh and then you got to [TS]

  store the cooler pushing that stuff you [TS]

  need a place to put your stuff between [TS]

  the football and baseball every day [TS]

  somebody's more news who's never heard [TS]

  George Carlin their whole childhood I [TS]

  know I know something our late great [TS]

  friend Leslie Harpold used to say this [TS]

  and I say this every month or so just to [TS]

  me one of the ways I can help keep her [TS]

  memory alive she says I hate buying toys [TS]

  for my toys [TS]

  this gets into the John Roderick problem [TS]

  this gets into John Roderick's ├«le [TS]

  problem is like this one thing to get [TS]

  stuff and then it's another thing to get [TS]

  a job for the stuff now you're taking [TS]

  care of like a Tamagotchi right and like [TS]

  now you need stuff for your stuff you [TS]

  got to have dongles for your computer [TS]

  you got to get subscriptions for your [TS]

  computer you need a case for your [TS]

  computer yep the first time I went to [TS]

  get a case for my phone I felt like I [TS]

  had really been fucking duped uh-huh [TS]

  because I walked into the store and I [TS]

  was like yeah I need a case for this and [TS]

  they were like behold and and then you [TS]

  know there was some wizard smoke and [TS]

  then there's I think we might have a [TS]

  couple here let's go look these things [TS]

  and I'm like huh [TS]

  I don't care about any of this I don't [TS]

  want it to look like a block of wood I [TS]

  don't want it to have a Pokemon on it I [TS]

  just want a fucking case for and they [TS]

  were like here's a nice case [TS]

  seventy-five dollars or whatever it was [TS]

  yeah and I said you're kidding me [TS]

  first of all make the phone so it [TS]

  doesn't need a case but second of all [TS]

  why don't why don't they make the whole [TS]

  plane out of black box all right so [TS]

  anyway I do not want a Yeti bag oh I [TS]

  don't have any use for it you can offer [TS]

  on the extra bag you didn't say hey [TS]

  here's 20 bucks let me take that off [TS]

  your hands hmm one I have too many bags [TS]

  and two come on this is a country clap [TS]

  well I could people keep telling me this [TS]

  people tell you that but don't [TS]

  eternalize that well you know people [TS]

  tell me I have too many like like the [TS]

  drum major jackets these people say a [TS]

  lot of things John OB there are MIDI [TS]

  drum major jackets I don't a fraction I [TS]

  will not hear this a bags are a good [TS]

  thing I organized many of my bags just [TS]

  this morning and it was a great feeling [TS]

  yeah I definitely now have a big bag [TS]

  full of little bags oh you know we yeah [TS]

  that's what I did I can't buzz though [TS]

  out of town and I I took all of my [TS]

  packing cubes and I nested them not in [TS]

  super nested them I've folded them [TS]

  nicely zip them up and I put them all [TS]

  inside of the very large cube and now [TS]

  they're only going place my big problem [TS]

  right now is the 20 [TS]

  two pairs of Levi's problem hmm we've [TS]

  discussed it before yeah I but I had the [TS]

  22 pairs of Levi's zipped in a big bag [TS]

  that was in the back of a closet [TS]

  somewhere and I pulled the bag out and I [TS]

  was like what's in this big bag unzipped [TS]

  it oh it's the 22 pairs of Levi's so I [TS]

  pulled him out again and I went through [TS]

  them again there's still 22 pairs of [TS]

  Levi's about I would say about 12 of [TS]

  them are made in the USA like oh oh it's [TS]

  not hom meheeco no proper like 19 mid [TS]

  90s Levi's that I'm sure somebody [TS]

  millions are proudly in the Mission [TS]

  District one would guess yep yep except [TS]

  every single one of them [TS]

  I have blown out the crotch the rest of [TS]

  the pants are fine it's a gift and a [TS]

  curse I do the same thing yep the first [TS]

  it came for the Space Pen and I said [TS]

  nothing and they came for the iPhone I [TS]

  said this is this isn't a thing where [TS]

  it's like oh it's got a rip in the knee [TS]

  this is blown out crotch yeah - eager [TS]

  that you get a blown out crotch of like [TS]

  a half inch to two inches and then you [TS]

  get like a thread comb-over on the edges [TS]

  yep and it's the hardest part of the [TS]

  gene to repair I mean I I learned to use [TS]

  a sewing machine just so I could repair [TS]

  my jeans but to get in there and repair [TS]

  the Crouch is really hard that's a tough [TS]

  place that's like heart surgery for [TS]

  pants yeah and then you're like well [TS]

  I'll take it down to the seamstress [TS]

  person the seamstress person is gonna [TS]

  charge you $15 to do a repair or more so [TS]

  then you're looking at 22 pairs of [TS]

  Levi's each one is gonna cost you $15 to [TS]

  fix to have now a beat-up pair of Levi's [TS]

  that decide here's my algorithm if it [TS]

  takes me a calculator to figure out how [TS]

  to fix the crotch in 22 pairs of pants [TS]

  is too much money okay so yes but I but [TS]

  I'm but I'm back to the problem of [TS]

  laying out these pants on the bathroom [TS]

  floor and it seems like value the thing [TS]

  seems to have value it's got a valence [TS]

  the amount surely and also the [TS]

  american-ness and also these are an old [TS]

  and the he gay men's oh right there's so [TS]

  much he gay in that bathroom you can [TS]

  barely get in there you're pushing the [TS]

  door and it's like the he gays pushing [TS]

  back [TS]

  full of striations and so it appears to [TS]

  be it appears to have value mm-hmm and [TS]

  so I'm very confused by them walking [TS]

  around the house I've got I'm you know [TS]

  I've got a palm on them on my forehead [TS]

  going like what am I do go I can do [TS]

  these things are like they're dragging [TS]

  me can I can i repurpose might a lot be [TS]

  a hack for this solution that's gonna [TS]

  sound really obvious but I'm gonna toss [TS]

  this out you know it's kind of the [TS]

  opposite of making rice like that your [TS]

  cat says you're not making grains of [TS]

  rice you're making a rice it's the [TS]

  opposite of that you get away from the [TS]

  22 and here's what you need to do you [TS]

  need to go into a very large area of [TS]

  your house and without prejudice lay all [TS]

  of the pants down and then you need you [TS]

  need to do like you did with your [TS]

  passport you need to just listen just [TS]

  listen because one of those pairs you're [TS]

  gonna this is gonna take you five [TS]

  minutes to get out of that mindset [TS]

  you're in right now [TS]

  five minutes later you're gonna hear hey [TS]

  buddy [TS]

  one of those pairs will speak to you and [TS]

  you will know which crushed them and oh [TS]

  one one pair one pair that's all you [TS]

  need [TS]

  here's how you say it you say to them [TS]

  all with your with your mind bullets you [TS]

  just say hi everybody [TS]

  I know it's been a while you're all here [TS]

  I'm glad we're all here together [TS]

  first of all I just want to say none of [TS]

  you need to be worried about this right [TS]

  cousin all hands pants meaning none of [TS]

  you guys need to worry but here's the [TS]

  thing I'm just gonna stand here for five [TS]

  minutes I'm gonna stand here I'm gonna [TS]

  sit with this and I want one of you to [TS]

  whisper with whom do I begin hey buddy [TS]

  don't you think well I bet you want [TS]

  speaks to you all right [TS]

  you might do it your head is there one [TS]

  pair that you remember who's he gave you [TS]

  remember creating in the 90s that's [TS]

  really speaking to you yeah all right [TS]

  okay all right I'll look at I'll look [TS]

  into this yeah I you know that doesn't [TS]

  make sense from a like intellectual [TS]

  standpoint I think it obviously [TS]

  emotionally it makes sense but I think [TS]

  it's very rational we can talk it is [TS]

  very rational but it is the opposite of [TS]

  make all the bacon right fix all the [TS]

  Levi's this is the exception that proves [TS]

  the pants I guess so all right okay I'll [TS]

  give that a try I mean I have been [TS]

  fielding I've been feeling like the 22 [TS]

  pairs of Levi's is like a vest of geld [TS]

  and somebody threw me over the book over [TS]

  this side of the boat and it's like so [TS]

  it's like Esther and heavy armor yeah [TS]

  yeah it's it's it's it's a parable it's [TS]

  parabolic [TS]

  oh you know para we could smell a [TS]

  parable coming down the road fucking [TS]

  hate parables I hate parables because [TS]

  first I realize that they're there and [TS]

  it makes me mad and then I realize how [TS]

  appropriate they are and it makes me [TS]

  super funny and I realize that you're [TS]

  right in the center of the parable you [TS]

  you look around you can't tell who's the [TS]

  parable because it's you know and the [TS]

  parable just makes this noise hmm yeah I [TS]

  know I know [TS]

  he's like shit Here I am I'm sinking in [TS]

  the river because I because I think that [TS]

  my vest of geld is worth more than my [TS]

  own life yep it's like it's like a Bible [TS]

  parable oh it's absolutely this is like [TS]

  something right out of Luke well you're [TS]

  right but I think this is a philosophy [TS]

  program so I mean I think you could you [TS]

  can say yes make all the noodles yes [TS]

  make all the bacon yes make all the [TS]

  coffee but I feel like there must be a [TS]

  corollary to that which is for example [TS]

  let's make this a little bit Talmudic [TS]

  forgive my French you go to the store [TS]

  you can't buy every kind of coffee you [TS]

  got to start somewhere and you got to [TS]

  say to yourself you know I'm gonna buy [TS]

  this coffee and if it doesn't work out [TS]

  I'll try a different one it doesn't mean [TS]

  I don't shop anymore it doesn't mean I'm [TS]

  not gonna drink coffee anymore so I mean [TS]

  but right there we there's there's a [TS]

  there's a big difference I think this is [TS]

  it this is another problem this is like [TS]

  another part of the no Yeti bank problem [TS]

  for me which is that if I go to the [TS]

  store and buy coffee it is not with any [TS]

  awareness or intention of quotes trying [TS]

  this coffee to see if I like it [TS]

  and to maintain an awareness that that's [TS]

  what I'm doing long enough to make it to [TS]

  the store the next time to either buy [TS]

  the same stuff again having tried it and [TS]

  like it or buy a different kind having [TS]

  tried it and not liked it because wow [TS]

  that's super interesting to me yeah [TS]

  every time I go to the store it is like [TS]

  I've never seen coffee before yeah I buy [TS]

  it based on whatever imaginary criteria [TS]

  are flying through my head at the like [TS]

  five minutes before the grocery store [TS]

  closes which is whenever I'm in there [TS]

  and I'm like ah let's see [TS]

  and I do a [TS]

  do some kind of accounting based on is [TS]

  there one on sale does that one seem [TS]

  like it's on sale because it's cheap [TS]

  coffee and I don't want it like it's [TS]

  gotta be within the fancy enough for me [TS]

  window right I'm a fancy guy I've got it [TS]

  the coffee's gotta be feeling there's a [TS]

  fancy not for me window is very familiar [TS]

  to me I know exactly what you mean yeah [TS]

  I'm not gonna just get Seattle's Best [TS]

  Coffee I'm routing algorithm we're on [TS]

  the one hand I mean this is this is [TS]

  probably a stupid perception error but [TS]

  on the way and you go this that's really [TS]

  cheap there's probably pretty good [TS]

  chance I won't like that on the other [TS]

  end you go oh my god that's way too much [TS]

  money I would never pay that and so that [TS]

  naturally narrows you to that 80% in [TS]

  between sure the fancy enough window and [TS]

  then you fall for the thing where it's [TS]

  like well this this brand has got like [TS]

  like six feet of shelf space but over [TS]

  here there's just two little bags of [TS]

  something called San Francisco coffee [TS]

  company more or the you know like the [TS]

  Tillamook Valley coffee roastery and you [TS]

  go that's gotta be artisanal or at least [TS]

  special yeah it's special enough to be a [TS]

  small group you know it's not a red can [TS]

  of Folgers right or you know you're not [TS]

  buying some illy in a in a silver can [TS]

  just because the cans can is awesome [TS]

  because because that's what you drink in [TS]

  Europe and Europe and you're like not my [TS]

  Paris wait a minute not my Paris no you [TS]

  you're thinking to yourself I'm somebody [TS]

  I'm somebody special that's got fancy [TS]

  coffee in my you know European coffee I [TS]

  don't even know if it's really as far as [TS]

  like how much I enjoy drinking it it's [TS]

  fine I would put it along the lines of [TS]

  fancy enough a hotel room coffee or [TS]

  coffee it's fine it's fine [TS]

  I mean in Europe I feel like I've I've [TS]

  had le coffee out of a vending machine [TS]

  like I don't think it's fancy it's just [TS]

  kind of great can but so I go into the [TS]

  grocery store each time like a newborn [TS]

  babe and I couldn't tell you the coffee [TS]

  that's on the counter in my kitchen that [TS]

  I'd wear I just left the house five [TS]

  minutes ago [TS]

  fascinating to me so I make no decision [TS]

  ever based on like Zacha rains I know I [TS]

  like and I don't need to go and look at [TS]

  all the boxed rice dinners because I did [TS]

  find a thing where it's like that's [TS]

  great I'm gonna buy that [TS]

  so that arraigned is an unusual example [TS]

  of it's definitely certainly in the [TS]

  fancy enough window but like it's also [TS]

  that like I've had other brands of that [TS]

  and they're not as good as this and if [TS]

  you can drive all that and just put it [TS]

  in the cart boom talk about rice-a-roni [TS]

  oh you know i used to treat it is it is [TS]

  I used to like Hamburger Helper [TS]

  sometimes that could that can be good [TS]

  but my contra concern here and this just [TS]

  shows you how broken inside I am it's [TS]

  like I just worry about missing okay so [TS]

  here's what I hate what I hate is when I [TS]

  get something and I bring it home and I [TS]

  go oh crap you know oh because of the [TS]

  way this branding and packaging works I [TS]

  mistook this for something else so [TS]

  classic example fat-free half-and-half [TS]

  no no why is that even in a store and [TS]

  what is it least so much like regular [TS]

  half it's like making a toy that's like [TS]

  I haven't a toy gun right next to a real [TS]

  gun and going help yourself yeah it's [TS]

  it's so bad and so I but I you know and [TS]

  I've learned my lesson I've learnt it [TS]

  like here's the thing [TS]

  stop and look at it cuz here's what [TS]

  would happen what if I do that twice in [TS]

  a row what if I actually go to the store [TS]

  I accidentally buy fat-free half and I [TS]

  bring it home I go yeah I go back to the [TS]

  store I pick up something oh guess what [TS]

  I just bought fat-free half-and-half [TS]

  again because it was nothing tension [TS]

  that's going through my head is like [TS]

  what if I keep accidentally buying like [TS]

  a wrong thing and there's too much [TS]

  latency between the purchase and the [TS]

  attempted consumptions together that's [TS]

  just me that's just me yeah I'm admiring [TS]

  you I'm admiring you at this point you [TS]

  care so much about the things in your [TS]

  home you're 22 pairs of Levi's you can [TS]

  walk into a store with Zen Zen mind [TS]

  beginner's mind just give me some coffee [TS]

  every time and I do it with bread too I [TS]

  walk in you know there's a eight [TS]

  thousand kinds of bread and every time I [TS]

  swear to you every time I stand there [TS]

  and I say well twenty two seed bread has [TS]

  22 seeds that's you know that's like 13 [TS]

  more seeds than not the same for every [TS]

  pair of Levi's but wait a minute what if [TS]

  the what if 22 is too many kinds of [TS]

  seeds and what you real [TS]

  just water the basic nine seeds and [TS]

  what's this you know squirrely bread I [TS]

  feel like I've had that before bad if [TS]

  you stand there and do that and you [TS]

  actually think about it for more than [TS]

  about 90 seconds in my case I feel [TS]

  absolutely insane and all I all looks [TS]

  the same and different and I feel like [TS]

  I'm tripping this is but their potato [TS]

  buns and but no wait a minute that why'd [TS]

  you put the potato hamburger buns next [TS]

  to the hot [TS]

  what taxonomy is happening here was [TS]

  there twenty two seeds in this bread [TS]

  well and I feel like each time that I do [TS]

  this and then I arrest that tendency I'm [TS]

  at the top of the log ride at Disneyland [TS]

  I'm about to get on and go down the log [TS]

  ride and then I say you know what pick [TS]

  one and then I reach and I pick one of [TS]

  the numbers of seeds or one of the [TS]

  numbers of other components in a in a [TS]

  thing nuts nuts Aziz okay go and I so I [TS]

  feel like I have conquered every time I [TS]

  do that calculation I do feel like if I [TS]

  go in by rote and pick the thing that I [TS]

  always get mm-hmm then I'm also I'm [TS]

  potentially making a grave error in [TS]

  missing missing the missing something in [TS]

  the variety and so I make that you know [TS]

  I I do that calculation each time right [TS]

  and I'm and I feel somewhat confidence [TS]

  that I got the most suitable thing at [TS]

  that moment for me in this John you're a [TS]

  traveler you're a seeker yeah I mean you [TS]

  still you're traveling in a grocery [TS]

  store you're walking through Europe [TS]

  except it's a it's a safe way well so we [TS]

  go to the same Mexican restaurant for a [TS]

  family dinner periodically and everybody [TS]

  at the table gets the same thing over oh [TS]

  right that the three ladies get shrimp [TS]

  tostadas a thing I love Mike okay man [TS]

  shrimp toast on I don't even know what [TS]

  the I don't I honestly don't know what [TS]

  that is [TS]

  I've gotten one because this is my thing [TS]

  at the Mexican restaurant el farol mmm I [TS]

  go in and the waiter knows us he sees a [TS]

  good he's good man good friend and he [TS]

  knows that he's gonna get out three [TS]

  shrimp tostadas one cheese enchilada her [TS]

  chichi bean and cheese burrito [TS]

  quesadilla with no cheese for the child [TS]

  please oh and she's adamant like no rice [TS]

  double beans all right whatever you know [TS]

  he'd take it you take it as it comes but [TS]

  then he knows that I'm gonna pick a [TS]

  different thing off the Michigan ah the [TS]

  the the pot beans or refried what'd she [TS]

  get she wants whatever beans he got [TS]

  black beans she is mine black bean [TS]

  doesn't mind it likes it she does not [TS]

  want any kind of rice no matter what [TS]

  interests and I'm like it's an a you [TS]

  know how do you not like rice doesn't [TS]

  like potatoes don't even put them on my [TS]

  plate [TS]

  don't put them on the table she doesn't [TS]

  want potatoes either god bless her but [TS]

  she's just extended that didn't fall far [TS]

  from the tree [TS]

  well they have the potato tree that's [TS]

  another place that you have to look for [TS]

  the potato tree yeah that's where the [TS]

  wild things are [TS]

  well you when you go to a restaurant [TS]

  John Roderick it seems to me you do go [TS]

  out of your way to to the extent [TS]

  possible unless it's part of the [TS]

  tradition of the place like when we [TS]

  would write a dim sum place our IP we [TS]

  would always get the same thing because [TS]

  that was part of our thing that we did [TS]

  but you you go to the same restaurant [TS]

  you get you deliberately you search [TS]

  through your mind you want something [TS]

  different every time and I will get [TS]

  things that I don't that I am almost [TS]

  certain I don't like right like I am NOT [TS]

  a big fan of a mole a sauce let's just [TS]

  be honest you know I've been to Oaxaca [TS]

  I've had the mole a I've been to the [TS]

  where the mole a comes out of the ground [TS]

  in Springs is that right mo sighs yeah [TS]

  and I had the mole a Springs the famous [TS]

  male Springs of Oaxaca [TS]

  Wacka Wacka but I do not want it because [TS]

  leave it you know don't get your [TS]

  chocolate in my peanut butter I don't [TS]

  understand the whole male phenomenon [TS]

  so I don't want that but always like the [TS]

  wine of Mexican food it's like something [TS]

  you get to be real pissy about because [TS]

  you know stuff and you go way beyond the [TS]

  fancy enough window fuck that fuck that [TS]

  is that right do you know people that [TS]

  are fancy about mold way people are [TS]

  fancy about everything John it's it's [TS]

  they know they know they can capitalize [TS]

  on how little somebody cares about [TS]

  something obscure that they can become [TS]

  an expert about nigga well actually how [TS]

  it's found in their shade of that potato [TS]

  tree I mean yesterday I went to a beach [TS]

  that was behind a door I got I got a no [TS]

  is this anybody I know well so I have a [TS]

  good palate if somebody you know I have [TS]

  a good pal who's in there he's in the [TS]

  business let's call it season he's in [TS]

  the business where this house I insulted [TS]

  it's not him is it no no no some drinks [TS]

  at night no that is that was 120 percent [TS]

  justifies that's when you spent on the [TS]

  streetcar and and Ben took us to meet MC [TS]

  Hammer wasn't it I spin on a streetcar [TS]

  and I tweeted about it and then the San [TS]

  Francisco streetcar Twitter account was [TS]

  so bad right and and and that Twitter [TS]

  account and I still communicate with [TS]

  each other at least did before I got on [TS]

  I would let you work things out okay so [TS]

  somebody who's in the business who has a [TS]

  bitch behind a door and she's not our [TS]

  business this is not he's not a business [TS]

  of show no he's not in your business he [TS]

  is in our business oh and it's a kind of [TS]

  business that is show business adjacent [TS]

  let's let's call it this it's a creative [TS]

  he used the home of a creative so this [TS]

  friend of mine is a creative and he is a [TS]

  creative in the sense in in a way in [TS]

  which there are instances where he would [TS]

  actually describe himself as a creative [TS]

  in a room where he would never break [TS]

  character and and everybody in there [TS]

  would nod because yes we that's how we [TS]

  talk but he also could be in a place [TS]

  with me and know not to say not to use [TS]

  the word creative that way but he's not [TS]

  one of those people that's living a [TS]

  double life he is himself everywhere he [TS]

  goes self everywhere that he goes he's [TS]

  himself everywhere he goes he's not a [TS]

  guy that's like sometimes uses the word [TS]

  creative and then when he's with his [TS]

  friends he rolls his eyes at the words [TS]

  they say is not in our [TS]

  management he no he's not a faker mm-hmm [TS]

  it's just that he understands he's smart [TS]

  enough to know when you're with a group [TS]

  of people that are don't talk that way [TS]

  you don't talk that way right [TS]

  that's smart if that's what you know [TS]

  that's good for most careers and not all [TS]

  of us take up that mantle that's that's [TS]

  a good way to roll sure sure right you [TS]

  don't you don't open the kimono in a [TS]

  room where nobody's wearing a kimono [TS]

  mm-hmm full of kimonos that's a very [TS]

  awkward thing to ask of people sure [TS]

  don't do that either but if you're in a [TS]

  room and there's a there and you're [TS]

  talking to some VC people and it's a and [TS]

  it's a deep dive or a drill down yeah [TS]

  it's a scene from the movie Facebook dot [TS]

  or Facebook yeah that's a very good [TS]

  movie yeah right David David filter [TS]

  that's web 2.0 but what what we have [TS]

  here is a failure to communicate any man [TS]

  doesn't put a spoon back so anyway so he [TS]

  is a member this is the thing he's in [TS]

  business yeah he's in the business [TS]

  he's are creative and he feels like [TS]

  because of his position as a as a member [TS]

  of the creative class who is also a [TS]

  member of the business class that he [TS]

  needs to be a member of a lot of things [TS]

  because because networking yeah right [TS]

  it's like hey we got to have a meeting [TS]

  with this and he's like oh well why [TS]

  don't we go to X thing that I am a [TS]

  member of and then the person who's [TS]

  doing business with them is like mm-hmm [TS]

  this guy's aha this guy's a roller this [TS]

  guy's a player [TS]

  oh they this this person speaks my [TS]

  language sure this is this world that [TS]

  I'm always talking about sort of having [TS]

  a toe in this from your father you learn [TS]

  from your dad you're a member you're a [TS]

  member of this you remember that that's [TS]

  how when it's time to make a deal make a [TS]

  plan it's like Oh or you remember oh I'm [TS]

  a member for long enough I'm pretty soon [TS]

  generals you're doing a dance about you [TS]

  in drag that's right and actually [TS]

  frankly now Merlin yeah I have had [TS]

  Admirals do a dance about me so oh we [TS]

  you know what we should circle back to [TS]

  that I want to hear how all that went [TS]

  yeah yeah yeah there's a lot of talk I [TS]

  hope we didn't do anything to damage the [TS]

  relationship of last year's host because [TS]

  I was very sad I was like within days [TS]

  of us talking about that nice couple [TS]

  they announce them we're going to be [TS]

  together anymore my good name names but [TS]

  the people who had the people who were [TS]

  the king last year yeah I hope we didn't [TS]

  do that dance for you and this is a [TS]

  person who's industry adjacent who knows [TS]

  when to use creative kimonos and knows [TS]

  when to not yep and who has the social [TS]

  lubricant see to know which kind of [TS]

  places to take people when deals are to [TS]

  be cut in lines that are dotted need to [TS]

  be signed that's right and he has leaned [TS]

  in right leaning but but he also knows [TS]

  mm-hmm [TS]

  yeah wall to who hid buy cheese that's [TS]

  right right he knows on a Tuesday [TS]

  afternoon mm-hmm he knows how to hide [TS]

  the cheese he knows where he had the [TS]

  Dinos it you gotta remember where you [TS]

  put it when you moved it that's right [TS]

  and he knows who's cheesie's movement [TS]

  that's the book I want to read I move [TS]

  your cheese fuck you exactly you wanna [TS]

  know where your cheese's yeah you talk [TS]

  to me B I'm not telling you where your [TS]

  cheese's so he's a member and he has he [TS]

  said he's confided in me he's like you [TS]

  know this all this membership and it's [TS]

  it's fucking breaking the bank [TS]

  I don't want to be members of all these [TS]

  things it's expensive did you get used a [TS]

  lot but it's but it's a business expense [TS]

  because I cuz pretty much you gotta be [TS]

  members in these things because if [TS]

  somebody hires Beyonce to play as [TS]

  daughter's 16th birthday party yeah am I [TS]

  gonna not be a member of that or am I [TS]

  gonna be a member of course I'm gonna [TS]

  remember yes so she's very talented she [TS]

  is and it's very expensive to hire her [TS]

  to do things oh also honest on that [TS]

  topic just very briefly him on the on [TS]

  the program I do with damn Benjamin I [TS]

  don't have a ton of podcasts I'm not [TS]

  like some people yeah but I have one [TS]

  other one yeah with your good friend Dan [TS]

  Benjamin he just shook off road work [TS]

  which he can find it 5x5 TV that's right [TS]

  any a Dan is a guy that you introduced [TS]

  me to yes I said on that program that [TS]

  you know I don't like playing shows [TS]

  right [TS]

  uh very much but if somebody wants to [TS]

  pay me to play a show I'm not gonna say [TS]

  no right you're not gonna stone right [TS]

  and Dan says Oh what does that mean and [TS]

  I said well like that's that birthday [TS]

  party I played for the Starbucks guy the [TS]

  only reason I played the Starbucks guy's [TS]

  birthday party I mean he convinced me [TS]

  that he was that the long winners were [TS]

  his favorite band mm-hmm but he but he [TS]

  also he said I want you to play my [TS]

  birthday party and I said that's not a [TS]

  thing that I will ever do and he said [TS]

  how much would it cost to have you do it [TS]

  and I so then you're familiar with this [TS]

  concept yeah my car I'm already familiar [TS]

  with this concept right the fuck you [TS]

  money right you say well pay me fuck you [TS]

  money [TS]

  it's an event event you don't want to do [TS]

  for people you're not necessarily that [TS]

  attached to you're pretty sure it'll go [TS]

  badly it might be disruptive it's any of [TS]

  those things the red flags are flying [TS]

  everywhere on the field and you go well [TS]

  and the thing about you is I remember [TS]

  when you started introducing the concept [TS]

  of fuck you money and people started [TS]

  paying it to you and then you were like [TS]

  you know what I'm gonna charge even more [TS]

  fuck you money because I don't want to [TS]

  do these things and people paid you that [TS]

  well I mean it started a pretty small [TS]

  level but yeah but pretty you got to up [TS]

  to some fucking money and then I then I [TS]

  was there I remember the day when you [TS]

  were like there is no amount of fucking [TS]

  money you could buy me a boat and I [TS]

  still won't do this because because [TS]

  that's a whole show but you gotta know [TS]

  you got to know when I say what you're [TS]

  worth I don't I mean partly yeah I mean [TS]

  with the market and yeah i partly mean [TS]

  like what's what's fair to everybody but [TS]

  it's also like the 10,000 things you [TS]

  will not be doing when you're doing that [TS]

  thing and the maybe 50,000 things you're [TS]

  not doing in the run-up to that because [TS]

  they can't pay a deposit yeah yeah well [TS]

  so anyway immediately after that show [TS]

  airs I get an email from from a nice gal [TS]

  and she says uh I want you to play my [TS]

  eye we heard your podcast I want you to [TS]

  play my husband's I want you to play for [TS]

  my boyfriend I guess she said Wow [TS]

  and I was like I wrote her back and I [TS]

  said listen you sound like a nice lady [TS]

  yeah but I don't think you were reaiiy [TS]

  don't think you heard what I was saying [TS]

  there's no way I'm gonna play for your [TS]

  husband or your boyfriend because [TS]

  there's just it's just [TS]

  I you know like I don't want to I don't [TS]

  want seriously thank you for writing and [TS]

  she wrote back very calm and cool and [TS]

  she was like but seriously like how much [TS]

  how much mm-hm and so I wrote her back [TS]

  and I said look here's the thing [TS]

  plumbers make bids musicians consider [TS]

  offers oh I see so I'm not gonna bid on [TS]

  this thing that you want like a because [TS]

  I'm not you know you just moved her [TS]

  cheese I just moved the cheese a little [TS]

  bit move the cheese because what you [TS]

  don't want to do is say uh two hundred [TS]

  dollars to somebody who was thinking [TS]

  twenty thousand dollars right because [TS]

  then they're gonna go oh shit yeah [TS]

  moneybags let's start first if you say [TS]

  twenty thousand dollars to somebody that [TS]

  was thinking $200 huh [TS]

  you know really get you yeah there are [TS]

  out on now they're on LiveJournal right [TS]

  now writing a blog about your about your [TS]

  writer anyway so I said you know make it [TS]

  bit so she comes back nice gal makes a [TS]

  bid and I was like huh that's in the [TS]

  ballpark okay I didn't immediately turn [TS]

  you off or make ego no it was it wasn't [TS]

  it was in the ballpark so I wrote her [TS]

  back and said you know throw like three [TS]

  five pound bag of M&Ms and and your [TS]

  engagement ring and and we got a deal [TS]

  and she was like done just like one word [TS]

  done mmm [TS]

  can I remember and so it was for the [TS]

  next day or two days later so I got in [TS]

  my car and I drove several hours to this [TS]

  place and I show up and I walk into this [TS]

  house and none of the people knew I was [TS]

  coming except for her well wait a minute [TS]

  it was a situation where they were about [TS]

  ten or eleven people there they're like [TS]

  seven guys and four women and I think if [TS]

  I'm correct all the women knew that this [TS]

  was happening oh what a nice present yes [TS]

  none of isn't and they were longtime [TS]

  fans and I sat down in the living room [TS]

  and there were two grown-up men that [TS]

  were in your in my age range this is [TS]

  gonna turn into a key party and then [TS]

  - then like three of their sons who were [TS]

  between nineteen and you know thirty or [TS]

  something huh and everybody knew [TS]

  everything right they all knew all the [TS]

  songs they all knew all the podcasts oh [TS]

  what a dream and I sat down and I was [TS]

  like hi nice to meet you and they were [TS]

  and you know and the wives were teasing [TS]

  them the wives were like they're [TS]

  freaking out right now that you can't [TS]

  tell but they're freaking out and the [TS]

  guys were did not appear to be freaky [TS]

  and they were to help yeah they were [TS]

  like but there wasn't even that like [TS]

  honey [TS]

  knock it off they were just like they [TS]

  everybody seemed normal super normal [TS]

  and also like super great I sat down and [TS]

  I was like all right what do you want me [TS]

  to play and between them they each [TS]

  pitched a few songs all of the songs [TS]

  totally great like totally unexpected [TS]

  choices and each time I was like alright [TS]

  well that was great now what about the [TS]

  next song somebody came up with another [TS]

  and they weren't trying to be obscure [TS]

  they were naming their favorite songs [TS]

  and it just so happened that it was a [TS]

  completely great weird setlist that I [TS]

  never would have otherwise played a [TS]

  couple of them I could I had to remember [TS]

  how to play as I was playing them played [TS]

  played the the set and then the you know [TS]

  like chief gal in charge was like [TS]

  alright well that's great now we got to [TS]

  go because we're meeting some other [TS]

  people because there's a wedding this [TS]

  weekend and so it wasn't it wasn't [TS]

  secretly a hangout opportunity well and [TS]

  so that's bad that's bad but she was [TS]

  like she was like that was great done [TS]

  and done and I said and they were like [TS]

  going to dinner at some food truck [TS]

  Corral or something I said hey you know [TS]

  what I'll join you guys for dinner [TS]

  because they said we're good fine and [TS]

  it's not like well I mean we went to a [TS]

  food truck growl and each got our own [TS]

  food and then sat together 1/8 off paper [TS]

  plates but but and I brought you know I [TS]

  brought some gifts I brought I brought [TS]

  her boyfriend a couple of candles things [TS]

  I could see you being so good at this [TS]

  and and then I was back at my car and I [TS]

  was back home by midnight and I was like [TS]

  oh that works there just is that you [TS]

  know like all I had to do was say that I [TS]

  would do it and then somebody basically [TS]

  understood that that was a [TS]

  dare and said all right sure like this [TS]

  would be worth it for me to have you do [TS]

  this as a gift to the people that I love [TS]

  and did it just she she was just [TS]

  nonplussed I mean I I basically wrote [TS]

  her a couple of times it was like lady [TS]

  like go away and she was like no not [TS]

  gonna go away tell me what you tell me [TS]

  and I was like ah fine and then by the [TS]

  end we were like fine both of us and it [TS]

  was super fun it would actually ended up [TS]

  being very fun it was nice to meet these [TS]

  people I enjoyed their choices [TS]

  I brought him to candlesticks Wow two of [TS]

  those a week buddy right be nice to [TS]

  those a week that's all you need [TS]

  well shit to a month I'd be happy hmm so [TS]

  anyway that was a very I mean a little [TS]

  bit of a digression but not know I [TS]

  realize I hope in her for me about like [TS]

  right right right there is a there is a [TS]

  place out in space an x-point where [TS]

  somebody says cuz there are a lot of [TS]

  people even people listening to this [TS]

  program right now who are like maybe [TS]

  he'll come play my birthday party for [TS]

  $200 and I will not and it's not a thing [TS]

  we're only rich people get good things [TS]

  because you can get a Yeti bag for free [TS]

  from a guy in Alabama if you just play [TS]

  your cards where we come to hodgman's [TS]

  corollary which I don't totally buy into [TS]

  but I respect for John Hodgman hodgman's [TS]

  corollary is that the corollary to I'd [TS]

  never hurts to ask [TS]

  as you know what is a hodgman's [TS]

  corollary oh who says I give you $200 [TS]

  yeah that's more money than I would ever [TS]

  give for something like this so guess [TS]

  what now you're not getting paid you're [TS]

  spending that time and guess what now [TS]

  you're the asshole yeah yeah well I [TS]

  always tell the story about the time [TS]

  that I had saved up 500 dollars to give [TS]

  you for building the long winters [TS]

  website and and I was like Stan I was [TS]

  like basically standing there with it in [TS]

  an envelope behind my back like I'm [TS]

  gonna blow merlyn's mine and give him [TS]

  $500 to talk to you about the website [TS]

  and you said let me stop you right there [TS]

  I built that website because I love you [TS]

  and I love your band and if you are [TS]

  about [TS]

  let's say for instance hand me an [TS]

  envelope like let's say for instance [TS]

  five hundred dollars in it it would just [TS]

  be hard for me and you both not [TS]

  discharged is dead so let me just say in [TS]

  this instance let me just dissuade you [TS]

  if that is even what you're about to [TS]

  start talking about five hundred dollars [TS]

  and it just went into the so arrogant [TS]

  I'm so sorry [TS]

  knows it was very instructive work I did [TS]

  for you is between twenty-five and fifty [TS]

  thousand dollars worth of work and I [TS]

  would never ask you to pay for it but [TS]

  also yeah you're talking about this [TS]

  since the our first public broadcast [TS]

  together on my old video show that in [TS]

  many ways are our businesses such as [TS]

  they are are very similar and one of the [TS]

  ways in which they're similar is that [TS]

  nobody wants to pay you a because be it [TS]

  all seems really easy and fun right like [TS]

  oh you really love playing your music [TS]

  you get to travel you get to meet people [TS]

  you could craft services and you know [TS]

  that's that we used to be a real [TS]

  struggle for me and so when I would [TS]

  throw that particular shape that is on [TS]

  the basis of the preceding 15 years of [TS]

  going sure I'm just glad you love me $50 [TS]

  should be more than enough and what the [TS]

  thing is if you do that gosh guess what [TS]

  a nice guy what a nice guy he made the [TS]

  site for this mall for $50.00 what a [TS]

  nice guy the thing is now I mean you [TS]

  have turned your life into a living hell [TS]

  how many people how many clients like [TS]

  that can you afford to have before you [TS]

  just simply don't have a life anymore [TS]

  well it might know the realization I had [TS]

  somewhere along the line which was when [TS]

  people said oh all we can afford is this [TS]

  we'd love to have you yeah and then you [TS]

  write they say that's that's the red [TS]

  line this is it as much money there's no [TS]

  nickel more more and you write back and [TS]

  say the leather the smallest amount I [TS]

  could do it for is twice what you're [TS]

  offering yeah and they're like okay I [TS]

  think we can make it work and you go oh [TS]

  I see everyone's a liar I guess I didn't [TS]

  know that before I mean I should [TS]

  Posey's wrote that song everybody [TS]

  fucking sick of getting shortchanged [TS]

  yeah they were like shit are you kidding [TS]

  me all this time there was twice as much [TS]

  money [TS]

  money [TS]

  let me go ask my manager uh uh asteroids [TS]

  yeah so I'm not above saying to somebody [TS]

  um would you leave your job and wife and [TS]

  daughter to fly across the country for [TS]

  three days for this amount ago well of [TS]

  course I would I said well then that's [TS]

  not smart because if you really thought [TS]

  about that that's not such a good deal [TS]

  yes you make in a day of your work at [TS]

  your job yeah that's right so so anyway [TS]

  yeah now I'm now I'm trying to figure [TS]

  out like yeah there's uh you know [TS]

  anybody you need these they're not a [TS]

  sponsor this week but you need a [TS]

  Squarespace one-page website John's [TS]

  bespoke entertainment services hmm and [TS]

  don't don't overdo it you should [TS]

  probably have a kid maybe an intern who [TS]

  monitors this for you and you just say [TS]

  make me an offer [TS]

  here's what I'll do I'll come and hang [TS]

  out play some songs you know what I'll [TS]

  do I'm John Roderick I'm just fuckin [TS]

  Roderick yeah but see here's the thing [TS]

  right I mean I have a relationship with [TS]

  a booking age and I don't want to [TS]

  formalize this process because because [TS]

  at a certain point he's gonna say are [TS]

  you playing house show house shows are [TS]

  you bitches on not a thing I'm do I do [TS]

  not play out shows here's the thing boy [TS]

  you ain't with Dave would that be fun oh [TS]

  my gosh [TS]

  what it be is it would be we would be [TS]

  splitting an amount of money that's [TS]

  already too small but the thing is I [TS]

  don't play house shows I did not I would [TS]

  never come down to a town to play a show [TS]

  for your boyfriend no I wouldn't do it [TS]

  something I see right in rare instances [TS]

  I will do it but it's the rare instance [TS]

  it's not a thing that I'm like hey I'm [TS]

  putting out my shingle I'm open for [TS]

  business here you know I'm I know what I [TS]

  would draw the suggestion you're [TS]

  absolutely right [TS]

  sorry Squarespace no it's all right I'll [TS]

  have Squarespace first do something else [TS]

  because I got it because right now I've [TS]

  got it I've got a lot of assistants I've [TS]

  got a lot of assistants that are queuing [TS]

  up watch some great some great great [TS]

  assistants huh because I put the call [TS]

  out for assistance again oh no chime oh [TS]

  I don't just I feel like don't have [TS]

  anybody move I got I got 22 pairs of [TS]

  Levi's are they local then Levi's yeah [TS]

  they're in the bathroom floor okay what [TS]

  what about the potential assistance [TS]

  babies is it gonna be somebody in Wales [TS]

  most of them are in other places but [TS]

  there's one person that's in Seattle I'm [TS]

  like your personal Cassandra I cut out [TS]

  all the parts where I warned you about [TS]

  things John I cut it all out I cut it [TS]

  all out [TS]

  I I you know you know the supercut I [TS]

  could make up are you really sure you [TS]

  want to do that if that goes perfectly [TS]

  that assistant come over they're gonna [TS]

  say let me take care of these jeans for [TS]

  you boss and then they're gonna come [TS]

  back all perfectly repaired [TS]

  oh my go how did it happen how did you [TS]

  do it and they're gonna say they're [TS]

  gonna they're gonna like Winkle their [TS]

  nose like a little genie yeah and I'm [TS]

  gonna go what the Wow I got the best [TS]

  assistant ever [TS]

  you know you know and it definitely [TS]

  won't be what it definitely won't be if [TS]

  somebody's not making enough money to [TS]

  really put their back into it kind of [TS]

  half-asses it and then doesn't doesn't [TS]

  really do it right you got to do it [TS]

  yourself again that won't happen no [TS]

  training program you'll set up some [TS]

  desks people come in right well so I did [TS]

  do that that didn't work but what's nice [TS]

  about so far everybody that has replied [TS]

  seems like a very professional person [TS]

  with a lot of talents and skills if you [TS]

  look at their Facebook pages yeah mostly [TS]

  and they all seem like they're all legit [TS]

  their jobs you look for complaints about [TS]

  old jobs I feel like it's a situation [TS]

  where they're like look I can build this [TS]

  website for you for $50,000 or for free [TS]

  which one do you want yeah I don't know [TS]

  I don't know it free I haven't gone I [TS]

  haven't gone deeper with anybody yet [TS]

  I've gotten the emails I've written them [TS]

  bet back I think mostly I wrote [TS]

  everybody back and said Wow amazing you [TS]

  seem amazing cuz they all did you need a [TS]

  dick chaney you need somebody to be the [TS]

  assistant who helps you pick out who [TS]

  your assistant should be well this is [TS]

  the problem the last time that happened [TS]

  she picked out herself full Cheney yeah [TS]

  she did [TS]

  quoting that correctly yeah he said the [TS]

  best candidate for vice president is me [TS]

  and then he was the starting 60 war that [TS]

  is man-sized vault in his office yeah [TS]

  incredible incredible that's still an [TS]

  incredible story to me that the entire [TS]

  Bush administration existed it's doable [TS]

  okay now here's a question for you it [TS]

  does are there any principles to be [TS]

  gleaned from the fancy enough window [TS]

  that you could apply to the way that you [TS]

  abduct a new intern is there a fancy [TS]

  enough window through which these people [TS]

  should pass well that's the thing like [TS]

  one time I was reading back over some [TS]

  resumes that I received the last time I [TS]

  did this and a couple of them were like [TS]

  I am a professional office manager who [TS]

  used to work for NASA I'm the person [TS]

  that's responsible for the life-support [TS]

  systems of the astronauts and and I [TS]

  heard that you're looking for an [TS]

  assistant and it's like because why and [TS]

  you got to work here why that's well but [TS]

  it's just you know that's the thing [TS]

  about our podcast it goes out and says [TS]

  the world we can't do we can't I guess [TS]

  it does I don't don't hear much about it [TS]

  I hear occasionally yeah I don't I can't [TS]

  even follow it anymore sometimes so [TS]

  twice a year I hear that somebody I [TS]

  didn't know listens to it let me top [TS]

  there yes do you think so do you think [TS]

  it's out there do you listen to the [TS]

  program people listen to the program [TS]

  then they then they are but they're [TS]

  there in their own place right they're [TS]

  sitting there under their potato tree [TS]

  just like the back of my limo John and [TS]

  Merlin live out in in space somewhere [TS]

  and oh so the other day I'm sitting here [TS]

  I get a text message from my sisters [TS]

  good friend Kenna Kenna says I'm in [TS]

  Australia I was doing a podcast with [TS]

  some people turns out they're rotting on [TS]

  the line fans shut your mouth and they [TS]

  want to say hello so then she's seen me [TS]

  position to help us get a phoney award [TS]

  here's the thing so they send me a bid [TS]

  and it's three very nice people in [TS]

  Australia with those delightful [TS]

  delightful Australian accent hospitai [TS]

  quality accent right there just like [TS]

  little koala bears and they say you know [TS]

  that's a shrimp they're having a little [TS]

  they're having a little moment with each [TS]

  other because I think they probably are [TS]

  thinking oh right this woman's from [TS]

  Seattle we said just hilariously like oh [TS]

  do you know john roderick she says as a [TS]

  matter of fact I do [TS]

  and then she points her camera at us and [TS]

  so they're like hi you know what's up [TS]

  John we're big fans and she says what [TS]

  would you say to John if he could say [TS]

  anything and one of them says well I'd [TS]

  like to know if any of those stories are [TS]

  true [TS]

  immediately infuriate that makes you so [TS]

  angry John bad so then they're like [TS]

  la-de-da-de-da at one point they say [TS]

  about the woman that's a member of their [TS]

  little triumvirate they say like oh she [TS]

  has a nickname for you which is the year [TS]

  her Tuesday husband because if she was [TS]

  ever gonna have a if she was ever gonna [TS]

  have an affair on her actual husband it [TS]

  would be with you lovely compliment [TS]

  that's such a nice note Wow Tuesday [TS]

  husband I feel like that's part of [TS]

  Australian culture that's a thing that [TS]

  they might say down there these days [TS]

  they said it with such ease that I was [TS]

  like Tuesday husband is that an [TS]

  australian coinage that's good [TS]

  who's your Tuesday husband and it's me [TS]

  in this case so I immediately make a [TS]

  little video myself which I would [TS]

  absolutely never do uh-huh [TS]

  it's not a thing I do or would ever do [TS]

  but I did in this instance because I was [TS]

  mad and I said are my stories true are [TS]

  my stories true this is the thing that [TS]

  you dare to say to me you ding-a-lings [TS]

  are my story's truth my stories are even [TS]

  truer than I tell I don't tell the real [TS]

  true story cuz Merlyn doesn't want to [TS]

  hear it [TS]

  yeah no I understand you're like Milton [TS]

  Berle you just take out enough to beat [TS]

  him like you don't have [TS]

  like if I told you this whole story you [TS]

  know what it would be some kind of Lord [TS]

  of the Rings situation being claims if I [TS]

  told you the truth yeah you'd be [TS]

  engulfed in flames everybody else would [TS]

  too I'd be in jail if I told you the [TS]

  whole story he'd never sleep again so I [TS]

  send this thing to them oh and then [TS]

  another thing I said in my thing was [TS]

  listen jerks you're down there in [TS]

  Australia why have you not done it [TS]

  Europe you you are you are podcasters in [TS]

  Australia why have you not brought us to [TS]

  Australia there's not one country that [TS]

  is officially sanctioned to give away [TS]

  the fake of the fake podcaster word [TS]

  called the phony and that is Australia [TS]

  yep that's right and so then they send [TS]

  another video back and they're like and [TS]

  I didn't even say about I didn't even [TS]

  talk about the phony Awards I said if [TS]

  you listen to Roderick on the line you [TS]

  know your job you already know your job [TS]

  hmm you're failing and so they write [TS]

  back in there like oh well invite you [TS]

  down to the head phony Awards and now [TS]

  I'm just steaming mad because they're [TS]

  now they're having fun with doing that [TS]

  in your face when they should have been [TS]

  working this whole time so that's again [TS]

  another thing I would never do mm-hmm [TS]

  but like as far away that is I'm doing [TS]

  it now so far away we're just from SF 2 [TS]

  in this case New Zealand 15 hour flight [TS]

  yeah that's too much flight well so with [TS]

  a four-year-old so it's baked in women [TS]

  you'll be there of us have a four year [TS]

  old two-month the time oh I see right do [TS]

  so baked into the head phony awards is [TS]

  comfortable travel to there right I just [TS]

  got stats right on the tin it's a bear [TS]

  it's right on the barbie that bear [TS]

  minimum you're not gonna put us back in [TS]

  steerage they came in 8th when they [TS]

  those nice people from New Zealand flew [TS]

  me out for that talk where I cried they [TS]

  put us in like the like a like a [TS]

  business class II thing and it was [TS]

  amazing I see you do you got that's [TS]

  that's that's just a bare minimum what [TS]

  everybody and you know what that was [TS]

  that was died negotiated that my friend [TS]

  something he bring his family were back [TS]

  in coach and I felt really bad but but [TS]

  but no I mean you kidding me we're [TS]

  bringing the family bringing the family [TS]

  you've had this well bring your get all [TS]

  John John you love your guitar and your [TS]

  family bring your guitar and your family [TS]

  just come on over yeah yeah yeah [TS]

  no no no no but there is a way to do it [TS]

  there's a right way to do it it's not [TS]

  like this is what I'm learning it's not [TS]

  like no hard no it's like sure yes but [TS]

  no to the thing that you're thinking yes [TS]

  to the death to the thing that's like a [TS]

  silly putty now we're like if you feel [TS]

  like a fresh silly putty take it out of [TS]

  the egg you push on a silly putty it [TS]

  will yield but it's gonna take you a [TS]

  while that putty is not warm yet darn [TS]

  you have not warmed our putty yet all [TS]

  you've done at this point is introduced [TS]

  the egg yeah you want the putty to yield [TS]

  before it's warm and that's not how that [TS]

  works [TS]