Roderick on the Line

Ep. 250: "Disaster Coffee"


  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John [TS]

  hi Merlin how's it going good spooky [TS]

  spooky yeah Spooky's going on over here [TS]

  oh okay is there something you can share [TS]

  with our listeners yeah I think so it's [TS]

  it's a it's a mystery it's a you know [TS]

  it's like a Nancy Drew mystery hmm you [TS]

  know we've talked about this before yeah [TS]

  you're not you're no stranger to swag [TS]

  bags oh yeah where there's some swag bag [TS]

  to me it's something you get is this [TS]

  sometimes called a gift bag it's it's a [TS]

  bag or box of things you give usually [TS]

  for participating in something maybe [TS]

  it's from a show with like a trade show [TS]

  or a performance and the second [TS]

  characteristic is it's usually got some [TS]

  kind of promotional materials like Hays [TS]

  try this coffee and third it's usually [TS]

  clearly identified why someone gave it [TS]

  to you mm-hmm [TS]

  they know you think are those [TS]

  performance characteristics of a swag [TS]

  bag you don't get none promotional stuff [TS]

  for not doing something and not know [TS]

  where it's from you nailed it right to [TS]

  the carpet well urines here in the [TS]

  northwest of course it's all all the [TS]

  stuff in this rag bag is also locally [TS]

  sourced of course right Fonfon - wag bag [TS]

  farm swag bagging so I do a lot of this [TS]

  kind of event where you are partially [TS]

  from where you where where you are [TS]

  promoted to even within the event with a [TS]

  bag of things and usually there's some [TS]

  chocolate-covered coffee beans there's a [TS]

  gift certificate to coupon for a nap I [TS]

  have sometimes a coupon for an app or a [TS]

  comic book that someone on someone [TS]

  that's also on the show has recently [TS]

  done a lot of fliers but also typically [TS]

  the nicer ones up here will give you a [TS]

  bottle of local wine and a [TS]

  you know in a big bag of local coffee [TS]

  and of course I'm not interested in the [TS]

  wine but I am interested in the coffee [TS]

  and so I always if it's a show with [TS]

  multiple people on the on the bill I'll [TS]

  kind of do a little wheeling and dealing [TS]

  yeah you said this is how you get this [TS]

  is one of your primary if not za one of [TS]

  your primary sources of coffee is you'll [TS]

  trade wine for beans [TS]

  that's right wheelin and dealin is I'm [TS]

  happy to get the wine you're happy get [TS]

  the the coffee hakuna matata the wine [TS]

  happy get the beans every once while I [TS]

  do a show with somebody like Bobcat [TS]

  Goldthwait's that's getting on a plane [TS]

  the next day he doesn't want either [TS]

  thing he's like yeah you can have my [TS]

  coffee so you walk out of there arm full [TS]

  of coffee any pretty quick are you [TS]

  telling me you've met Bobcat Goldthwait [TS]

  and he gave you Gus cup his coffee [TS]

  oh I've definitely met Bobcat Goldthwait [TS]

  several times all right I'm gonna put a [TS]

  pin in that I'm not a hundred percent [TS]

  sure if I ever got a bag of coffee from [TS]

  him but it's maybe a nap-nap coupon [TS]

  it feels likely that I have almost no I [TS]

  mean you know Jeff Goldblum whoa like [TS]

  the law big numbers like yeah at some [TS]

  point Bobcat Goldthwait will give you [TS]

  coffee time line yeah yeah I mean given [TS]

  the world given the world in which we [TS]

  live anyway so as as we've discussed [TS]

  before on this program I have a [TS]

  stockpile of coffee probably you know [TS]

  somewhere somewhere out there there's an [TS]

  axis there's the axis of how long is [TS]

  this coffee gonna gonna be store [TS]

  storable before it becomes putrified or [TS]

  whatever happens to it [TS]

  my sense is forever but I had coffee [TS]

  everywhere I had coffee like the like [TS]

  monkeys in the trees and Thailand [TS]

  everywhere you looked there was a bag of [TS]

  coffee in the refrigerator in the pantry [TS]

  in the freezer you know because people [TS]

  yell it some people say put it in the [TS]

  freezer to last forever [TS]

  other people lot of people say not to do [TS]

  that don't do that dries it out or makes [TS]

  it bad yeah suppose the biome I had so [TS]

  many bags of coffee that I could try [TS]

  everyone I could put it in the freezer [TS]

  for the freezer people I could put it in [TS]

  the crisper for the crisper people was [TS]

  in the pantry for the pantry people was [TS]

  right on the counter for me [TS]

  well I went downstairs today to prepare [TS]

  a pot of coffee for our program there's [TS]

  no coffee in this house I looked [TS]

  everywhere this is this is not the first [TS]

  time this has happened you've shared [TS]

  this before this is this always a news [TS]

  story you know every day somebody's born [TS]

  who hasn't heard about your coffee but [TS]

  you've talked before about the spooky [TS]

  action at a distance of of having as a [TS]

  background situation that there's coffee [TS]

  around and every time you look there's [TS]

  always coffee there and suddenly you got [TS]

  your swagg coffee and then suddenly one [TS]

  day you go you need new coffee you look [TS]

  in the crisper you look in the freezer [TS]

  you look in the pantry boom [TS]

  no coffee where the coffee go yeah but [TS]

  but there but there was this isn't a [TS]

  thing where I was like oh I used all the [TS]

  coffee and I didn't remember this was [TS]

  like there were apples on the apple tree [TS]

  and then the next day there were no [TS]

  apples mmm and so I'm wandering around [TS]

  and I'm like what as my daughter would [TS]

  say she's she's picked that up for me [TS]

  now and she will say 40 times a day [TS]

  sometimes often times to herself what [TS]

  it's very cute when a six-year-old cute [TS]

  what she doesn't know that the next word [TS]

  is fuck or hell right it's a lot of [TS]

  restraint she just thinks that the [TS]

  phrase is what the yesterday yesterday I [TS]

  before I can catch myself I I am really [TS]

  call somebody a dipshit oh fuck kind of [TS]

  bad she said I don't think that's a [TS]

  thing I said believe me it's a thing oh [TS]

  it's a idea of what my family is to tell [TS]

  inside words continues to go dipshit and [TS]

  a dingaling definitely will cross the [TS]

  street holding hands a jacket mm-hmm a [TS]

  jackass way too harsh Oh God look at [TS]

  that any links what a dish it yeah a [TS]

  jackass is something else yeah that's a [TS]

  shading closer to an asshole I think I [TS]

  mean asshole continuum you're closer [TS]

  with a jackass yeah if you're a jackass [TS]

  I the feeling that jackass is what you [TS]

  call an asshole [TS]

  if you are standing in front of a diner [TS]

  we'll see I think also I think a dipshit [TS]

  is not being the way they are by design [TS]

  I think I think I think a dipshit is an [TS]

  accidental idiot and I think a jackass [TS]

  is a deliberate asshole precisely right [TS]

  like a ding-a-ling has good intentions [TS]

  the only thinks they're doing fine [TS]

  mm-hmm that's the that's the primary [TS]

  characteristic of a ding-a-ling they [TS]

  think they're doing all right this is [TS]

  why I'm late I'm late because I'm a [TS]

  dingaling Oh [TS]

  I mean I want to hear I want to hear [TS]

  what the story but just for what it's [TS]

  worth I was trying to be helpful this [TS]

  morning as I left the house I saw a [TS]

  quantity of things there's there's [TS]

  there's a class of things that we have [TS]

  taken away for to have things done to [TS]

  them and then brought back and and I [TS]

  thought on the front porch were the [TS]

  things being brought back and so I [TS]

  congratulated myself to my wife I said [TS]

  oh looks like we got a bunch of this [TS]

  stuff the the was taken care of for in [TS]

  this case its laundry the laundry has [TS]

  returned and there's three bags and they [TS]

  didn't screw up the order and she's like [TS]

  uh it's dirty laundry I put up this [TS]

  morning oh good and you know what I [TS]

  thought to myself I thought to myself [TS]

  you are such a dingaling yeah that's a [TS]

  little thing I'm gonna have to go home [TS]

  and take it back outside [TS]

  that's almost Duds yeah that's a that's [TS]

  a you're a dipshit right you know what I [TS]

  think I've taken that hard right turn [TS]

  into dipshit country yeah yeah [TS]

  so ding-a-ling right but then there's [TS]

  Ding Dongs oh I think I can kind of a [TS]

  little bit affectionate it is ding-dongs [TS]

  were like uh you know your pals right [TS]

  yeah your ding-dongs but they're but [TS]

  they really don't have it they just [TS]

  can't figure it out right the ding dong [TS]

  ding dong lose your keys over and over [TS]

  like my brother is a little bit of a [TS]

  ding dong every time he comes over to my [TS]

  house he calls me like 45 minutes later [TS]

  and says did I leave my wallet they're [TS]

  hunting dog why did you take the wallet [TS]

  out at my house definitely not a jackass [TS]

  what everything dog my wife is a ding [TS]

  dong he's also a jackass [TS]

  oh so you see yourself you say what the [TS]

  oh what the and I'm walking around and [TS]

  I'm thinking you know I I don't know we [TS]

  didn't talk very explicitly about it but [TS]

  you know my relationship with my [TS]

  millennium girlfriend [TS]

  is a thing of a thing of the past now [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  okay [TS]

  take a moment okay okay this is the [TS]

  first I'm hearing of it yeah okay so for [TS]

  you oh boy okay okay well here's what [TS]

  here's the timeline she moved in gonna [TS]

  go too deep into it too deep but I'm but [TS]

  but that was about a well that was a few [TS]

  weeks ago [TS]

  oh my and I was a it was a bumpy road [TS]

  hard hard road but as I'm walking around [TS]

  my house I'm like did she as she was [TS]

  leaving steal all my coffee Oh No [TS]

  knowing that thought don't think that [TS]

  thought knowing that I wouldn't know it [TS]

  because I had you know I had the coffee [TS]

  that was in present use which was left [TS]

  one did she steal the reserves [TS]

  millenniums don't see race and they [TS]

  don't understand revenge so that so that [TS]

  I wouldn't even notice until it was till [TS]

  like three weeks later you think you're [TS]

  the millennium ex-girlfriend was [TS]

  gaslighting you a little bit I don't [TS]

  know it's like gas lighting is you don't [TS]

  know how would you even know Here I am [TS]

  I'm wandering around in my nightshirt in [TS]

  your house in my house would use where [TS]

  you sleep where your children play with [TS]

  their toys [TS]

  yeah I'm opening up the crisper I'm [TS]

  going I'm looking I'm looking behind the [TS]

  bags of frozen blackberries in the in [TS]

  the freezer doesn't make for smoothies [TS]

  hello there nice put them on ice cream [TS]

  mmm [TS]

  pushing stuff aside like uh you know [TS]

  back there I'm all the way back there [TS]

  where the packages of whitefish that I [TS]

  bought some time long ago aspirationally [TS]

  my freezer there's not a single there's [TS]

  nothing and so you know what a bean to [TS]

  be seen not a bean and I know that I had [TS]

  yeah let's say $2,500 worth of coffee [TS]

  I'm here in this house and it's just [TS]

  like it learns [TS]

  and so I'm thinking this was I mean boy [TS]

  I'm underestimate I miss underestimated [TS]

  her yeah every every girlfriend is [TS]

  basically just a future ex-girlfriend [TS]

  you got the car got the white fish yeah [TS]

  yeah and vanilla beans so she throw it [TS]

  out would she put in the Attic is the [TS]

  whole point though there's the true gas [TS]

  lighting to put it somewhere you would [TS]

  never look and then make you feel crazy [TS]

  when you finally find it there I don't [TS]

  think so well your daughter put it in [TS]

  your hope chest I think she filled the [TS]

  bag with it and then like at the airport [TS]

  was just handing it out free you know [TS]

  just like hey you want some coffee the [TS]

  Hamburglar meets Robin Hood yeah yeah [TS]

  that's right she took from the rich and [TS]

  she's giving to me so I'm drinking right [TS]

  now I had to go I had to go in too so I [TS]

  told you right my mom sold her house and [TS]

  her what I didn't tell you this more [TS]

  often [TS]

  my mom woke up one day and was like I'm [TS]

  selling my house that's how she works [TS]

  she gets up 4:30 it occurs to her she [TS]

  maybe she writes a letter maybe she [TS]

  sends me a slightly terse email maybe [TS]

  maybe she realizes it's time to just [TS]

  move this unit yeah she said she said [TS]

  with perfect clarity right isn't that [TS]

  part of her the hallmark of her [TS]

  decision-making is like it's just a [TS]

  utter clarity like like it's just [TS]

  hanging right in front of her this must [TS]

  be done she's like fuck these eucalyptus [TS]

  trees they're gone he's particular [TS]

  eucalyptus trees she's like Barney's [TS]

  about to go live on a farm I'm like [TS]

  Barney is one of our favorite things [TS]

  she's like not anymore [TS]

  yeah and so she sold her house just I [TS]

  mean it didn't it's not like it happened [TS]

  overnight it was a it was a totally [TS]

  brutal process that partially involved [TS]

  her saying all of these things that are [TS]

  yours in my house have to go [TS]

  God and another part of it was all this [TS]

  stuff in my house that belonged to me [TS]

  that was part of mine crazy this is in [TS]

  her voice that was part of my crazy [TS]

  world also has to go to you [TS]

  and so her 50-year accumulation of [TS]

  disaster materials in preparation for [TS]

  Mount Rainier erupting in preparations [TS]

  for a 1 in 10,000 year mega earthquake [TS]

  in preparation for the failure of the [TS]

  grid due to a Stuxnet virus in [TS]

  preparation for every conceivable kind [TS]

  of disaster my mother had all of the [TS]

  required implements and accoutrements [TS]

  and now all of that stuff is at my house [TS]

  I would go I'm sorry John this is just [TS]

  stack is insane where where would it go [TS]

  in your house well you have a barn oh my [TS]

  god in a basement and crawl it wants to [TS]

  be empty well not this one mm-hmm [TS]

  scooters were supplying some starters [TS]

  back there so many saw candles details [TS]

  and sauce and also there was a while [TS]

  there where I would every time somebody [TS]

  was tearing down an old house I would [TS]

  pull up and I'd say you use in those [TS]

  columns Liquidators yeah yeah so I'd [TS]

  grab everything I'd grab all the old [TS]

  windows or the columns or the faucets or [TS]

  whatever so there's you know I could [TS]

  build another barn with what's in the [TS]

  barn and I outfit it with its own [TS]

  scooter and chop saw and anyway so but [TS]

  part of the disaster material is enough [TS]

  Nescafe on my property to to feed like [TS]

  the second brigade of the Third Army [TS]

  you could you could you could give [TS]

  Patton's Third Army coffee for a year [TS]

  with the with the freeze-dried disaster [TS]

  coffee that my mom had stuffed into the [TS]

  spaces between her rafters and now it's [TS]

  all here and I'm like ah I mean but the [TS]

  thing is as soon as you throw away your [TS]

  disaster copy then [TS]

  then Stuxnet and then we're then were [TS]

  you gonna go to the smart guy now right [TS]

  yeah right and freeze-dried coffee [TS]

  doesn't take up any space you know it's [TS]

  definite you stuff in everywhere put it [TS]

  in your medicine cabinet so here I am [TS]

  drinking disaster coffee wondering if [TS]

  everything what you know wondering if [TS]

  this isn't the fucking Truman Show and [TS]

  some prop designer just forgot to put [TS]

  the put all the coffee back after they [TS]

  you know after they like switched out [TS]

  the white fish in the back of the [TS]

  freezer you say maybe you were away [TS]

  you're away somewhere doing your work [TS]

  and they had to strike the set for the [TS]

  next next set up yeah or something you [TS]

  know they were coming through and and [TS]

  oops-a-daisy right somebody I mean I [TS]

  don't know how many times they flipped [TS]

  this stuff as a storyline it's just you [TS]

  you can't know because then it wouldn't [TS]

  be the John show I mean it's a it would [TS]

  be amazing if they had if they were able [TS]

  to maintain as much continuity as seems [TS]

  to be in in play here man [TS]

  but everyone until you start looking for [TS]

  it like once you start noticing those [TS]

  cracks okay so is this gonna get to a [TS]

  point where you can tell me that you're [TS]

  drinking [TS]

  instant coffee I'm drinking it's a car [TS]

  that is a disaster [TS]

  I opened a giant jar that was John I'm [TS]

  not even picky about coffee I her sealed [TS]

  but like instant coffee is not good yeah [TS]

  I feel like I'm backstage at a at a like [TS]

  a Belgian rock show that's that's the [TS]

  bitter taste they put out somewhere they [TS]

  put out they put out some Belgian for [TS]

  craft services they give you some [TS]

  Belgian fruit to give you some some [TS]

  Belgian some vison beer in and and then [TS]

  and you said John always says hey can I [TS]

  get some coffee and they say yeah maybe [TS]

  in sewer and they bring out a jar and a [TS]

  spoon for Belgium Belgian disaster [TS]

  coffee they do there's a little bit of [TS]

  that there's Belgian disaster coffee I [TS]

  mean they Belgians also will give you a [TS]

  mushy meatball that you're not sure that [TS]

  you're not sure what's it's kind of like [TS]

  crunchy on the outside mushy on the [TS]

  inside [TS]

  what a look I'm not opposed to a pushy [TS]

  meatball [TS]

  if you're washing it down with some [TS]

  instant coffee but my free life or share [TS]

  that a big glass of milk you ready to go [TS]

  out and rock the house right and but the [TS]

  tear the terror that's in me now is not [TS]

  just that this may have happened but I [TS]

  have to go to a store now and buy coffee [TS]

  like a regular mmm and I don't even know [TS]

  how to do that yeah you could you know [TS]

  you could there's a service in your area [TS]

  that you can go to like we could have in [TS]

  two hours maybe less did you know that I [TS]

  joined Amazon Prime oh the devil you say [TS]

  I did I did I fight I lay down I flopped [TS]

  down and did that thing that my dad used [TS]

  to do which is he would flop down and [TS]

  just go and then you knew that whatever [TS]

  it was like the decision had been made [TS]

  the thing was thing was the game was [TS]

  afoot that's like just that slightly [TS]

  breathy sound of hope leaving your body [TS]

  when when you decided this is the thing [TS]

  you got to do and so my mom has been [TS]

  yelling at me about Amazon Prime for I [TS]

  don't know for how long forever let's [TS]

  play in quite a thing John and she [TS]

  bought me a Alexa she talks to Alexa all [TS]

  day [TS]

  say it don't say don't see what's right [TS]

  sorry sorry sorry [TS]

  hey dingus Alexa who is Merlin man oh my [TS]

  god you gonna make me edit this aren't [TS]

  you the mother of dragons is Alexa who [TS]

  is the mother of dragons [TS]

  well my Alexa is in a different room so [TS]

  she can hear me or maybe her little [TS]

  light is spinning and and she's like [TS]

  waiting for waiting for me to say [TS]

  something I don't know I'm not sure my [TS]

  religion is struggling with all respect [TS]

  I'm struggling for breath right now [TS]

  because there's at least four [TS]

  revelations this week that are very the [TS]

  least of which the least troubling of [TS]

  which is you drank fucking instant [TS]

  coffee that's there that's the fourth [TS]

  weirdest thing this week yeah I know [TS]

  I mean [TS]

  there's a big week John this you're [TS]

  dropping a lot on me go you get is there [TS]

  any more coming [TS]

  no baby maybe there's a ton going on [TS]

  maybe baby [TS]

  maybe baby there's a ton going on there [TS]

  really is a lot of stuff a lot of stuff [TS]

  going on not balls in here a lot of [TS]

  balls in the air there's a there's an [TS]

  echo dot in my house listening to me all [TS]

  day long I forget it's there you know [TS]

  what I'm talking to the walls I'm [TS]

  talking to the plans I'm running I'm [TS]

  running things by I'm running things by [TS]

  the plants you know what do you guys [TS]

  think of this the plants kind of they [TS]

  think of me good advice typically but [TS]

  now Alexa's listening or dingdong is [TS]

  listening I don't know what she's doing [TS]

  with that information but I got prime [TS]

  everyone's well I will remember there's [TS]

  a dot on my counter and I'll walk by and [TS]

  I say Alexa play Black Sabbath [TS]

  immediately bow bow bow bow and I'm like [TS]

  nice mm-hmm [TS]

  stop using that one a lot so but so I've [TS]

  got this Prime now and I and I know for [TS]

  a fact I'm not using it to its best [TS]

  advantage because all I'm doing with it [TS]

  is I'm just watching like McHale's Navy [TS]

  for free castle but you give that man a [TS]

  mic castle yeah that's the one that's [TS]

  the philip k dick nazi one right I've [TS]

  never seen it [TS]

  it's the philip k dick novel about the [TS]

  what would happen if we lost world war [TS]

  ii oh I love both it's a pretty good [TS]

  program you should check it out I don't [TS]

  I'm gonna pan for this so man at the [TS]

  high castle right but I have not yet [TS]

  done the thing that you here to do which [TS]

  is like I need a Kleenex then there's [TS]

  like a guy holding a Kleenex yes well [TS]

  it's not proud of this but yesterday as [TS]

  I was walking around making a nice [TS]

  coffee [TS]

  I said hey dingus reorder paper towels [TS]

  and it's on the truck now oh wow well [TS]

  technically tomorrow but bloop bloop [TS]

  bloop do you um you know it's fun is [TS]

  your friend your web browser yeah is [TS]

  that your definition of fun you know [TS]

  it's fun you're front of your web [TS]

  browser [TS]

  to Alex Alexa Amazon calm Alexa da da oh [TS]

  and then if you're not already there [TS]

  click on the home button in this ugly [TS]

  web page and you'll see a history of [TS]

  what it heard you asked for no really [TS]

  mmm-hmm some of these some of these [TS]

  there's most of mine are play KQED at [TS]

  some point it thought I said and then [TS]

  you can actually listen to the audio of [TS]

  what it heard you say it heard me say [TS]

  I'll play God mommy so I played a song [TS]

  called God bless mommy it hurt how old [TS]

  is Andy how many summers I did ask that [TS]

  seventy-four should use tinder it hurt [TS]

  me say is nice to her it heard me say [TS]

  mm-hm I'm just saying it might be kind [TS]

  of fun to go down and look at some of [TS]

  the things that's heard you say maybe [TS]

  even even notice it heard you say [TS]

  alright well here's how much is it how [TS]

  much is that a sindbad sindbad all right [TS]

  here's here's what it's telling me I [TS]

  wanted to know the weather and then the [TS]

  weather and then the weather and then [TS]

  the weather was really paying for itself [TS]

  already isn't it and then I said how are [TS]

  you and she searched Bing for how are [TS]

  you and she said I'm just fine thank you [TS]

  and then and then I said what's the [TS]

  dog's favorite instrument and she said a [TS]

  trombone than the weather whether I [TS]

  listen to or someone here listen to [TS]

  radio lab and then I said say Alexa and [TS]

  she said how to pronounce Alexa oh man [TS]

  why is Lena Dunham controversial who is [TS]

  Lena Dunham is there controversy about [TS]

  Lena Dunham that I have no idea the [TS]

  other people are in my house there's [TS]

  some multi-purpose copy paper that I [TS]

  bought that I [TS]

  copier so I don't know why there's lots [TS]

  of copy paper here that's so I here [TS]

  somewhere mine is good that's that's [TS]

  what is that's on you yeah here's thank [TS]

  you doesn't feel that but uh hmm oh [TS]

  that's okay is your desk okay [TS]

  are you factory as far as I can tell the [TS]

  only thing that on this that I have any [TS]

  recollection of ever saying to Alexa is [TS]

  Alexa play Black Sabbath so so I've used [TS]

  it as far as I can tell other than I [TS]

  mean maybe I was maybe I woke up in the [TS]

  middle of the night and I was wandering [TS]

  around mumbling about Lena Dunham but I [TS]

  think the only thing I've ever said to [TS]

  it is play Black Sabbath and it did that [TS]

  very successfully so I should choose 7th [TS]

  2017 9:01 p.m. play Iron Man by Black [TS]

  Sabbath boom that happened to you - oh [TS]

  yeah mmhmm yeah see that comes up a lot [TS]

  as like I was like I was you heard me [TS]

  earlier riffing on that Monty Python [TS]

  sketch and which my daughter and I my [TS]

  daughter I watch a lot of money Python [TS]

  now and she didn't remember what I said [TS]

  and so I said oh play played Dennis [TS]

  Moore and it played me a snippet from [TS]

  Dennis Moore a lot of times I'll say oh [TS]

  you know that want Black Sabbath song [TS]

  the one from the Iron Man movie and then [TS]

  it'll play it for you [TS]

  Brown round noise for sleep that's nice [TS]

  mm-hmm mm-hmm takes a lot of KQED in [TS]

  here [TS]

  Brown noise for sleep it's not the brown [TS]

  sound it's brown noise yeah I was gonna [TS]

  say get real careful what you ask for [TS]

  please no please no brown trout that [TS]

  stand up your Christine I you know I say [TS]

  that to people all the time [TS]

  Christine sir [TS]

  who one get up on the downstroke get a [TS]

  ball on the downstroke oh so I need I [TS]

  kind of need to learn from people I'm [TS]

  just gonna tell you buddy let go and let [TS]

  God because it is a process to get [TS]

  comfortable with doing this it might [TS]

  take you weeks but it will pay off [TS]

  it's it takes a while to not feel like a [TS]

  dingaling pour it or or a ding dong when [TS]

  you're doing this did your go you might [TS]

  if you're like most people I know you're [TS]

  not if you're like most people you will [TS]

  feel very self-conscious about doing [TS]

  this you will feel perhaps stupid doing [TS]

  this but it does eventually take your [TS]

  saying talking to the to the bot I'm [TS]

  seeing the whole stack I'm saying closer [TS]

  to the gallon getting comfortable with [TS]

  the whole idea of this thing being in [TS]

  your house is difficult getting [TS]

  comfortable with remembering that it is [TS]

  there and what it can do that's a whole [TS]

  another thing as you as you say doing it [TS]

  often then remembering enough to the and [TS]

  then doing it and not feeling stupid [TS]

  that that's two weeks right there but [TS]

  then eventually you just find yourself [TS]

  doing it all the time huh not not [TS]

  necessarily by stuff like I say I mean [TS]

  like I I decided I'm not using a clock [TS]

  radio anymore because I wasn't using the [TS]

  clock and I wasn't using the radio that [TS]

  much and I wasn't use never using the [TS]

  alarms I don't want alarms in my life [TS]

  ever I mean like reminders but I don't [TS]

  want to like you know so we've gone to [TS]

  pure we have a clock in the room but [TS]

  that's how I play the radio now I play [TS]

  the radio through my dingus so if you're [TS]

  ding is hooked up to other ding guy or [TS]

  multi dingus household yeah I bet okay [TS]

  I'm sorry I did not mean to take you [TS]

  guys so much to cover so you what I was [TS]

  gonna say though is you can do what's [TS]

  called prime now are you aware prime now [TS]

  no go to prime now and now I [TS]

  live in a far-flung part of town where [TS]

  you can't get like instant or like [TS]

  one-hour delivery [TS]

  but usually within within two hours you [TS]

  can get almost not anything but a lot of [TS]

  the most common stuff delivered like my [TS]

  cards compost bags cat litter car hard [TS]

  caps you want but will they deliver like [TS]

  vintage Navy uniforms we check vintage [TS]

  Navy uniforms no they have men's Navy [TS]

  adult crew sweatshirts for $8.99 [TS]

  salmon in color okay well they deliver [TS]

  Tony llama boots sighs well that's what [TS]

  one L right yeah just well okay no no [TS]

  they don't have that no let's look at [TS]

  Mama's ll a ma I can get a book called [TS]

  llama llama jingle bells or a llama [TS]

  llama at mama [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  Shamma Lamma ding dong you could get see [TS]

  but let's look at coffee CFE oh your [TS]

  coffee coffee that's that's the thing [TS]

  you can get you some some Starbucks some [TS]

  donkey doughnuts some Chevallier [TS]

  oh you get a big Maxwell House you love [TS]

  that didn't get these these terrines and [TS]

  I'm not saying this is always gonna be [TS]

  the best but this is our go-to we do get [TS]

  either Pete's or Starbucks French Roast [TS]

  is our go-to and they will bring that 12 [TS]

  ounces of that to your house $5.99 [TS]

  two hours whoa now I know it's killing [TS]

  the economy the other day I was looking [TS]

  for some Red Wing boots for a friend of [TS]

  mine in size 15 [TS]

  Wow and I discovered that size 15 shoes [TS]

  are not easy to come by [TS]

  mm-hmm the companies all are like well [TS]

  we make all kinds of shoes up to size 14 [TS]

  and then they quit but that's officially [TS]

  where the curve gets to there's not [TS]

  enough people at that size to produce [TS]

  those at scale and have them in stock [TS]

  yeah that seems crazy to me that they [TS]

  wouldn't at least somewhere out there be [TS]

  like yeah we can get those for you we do [TS]

  have some we just don't you know we're [TS]

  not keeping them on the shelves here [TS]

  very hard so can you see if Amazon can [TS]

  can can your Amazon help me find a size [TS]

  15 Red Wings [TS]

  well I I'm gonna just guess they're not [TS]

  gonna have size 15 shoes for two-hour [TS]

  delivery you're looking more at the [TS]

  kinds of things one says oh I'm out of [TS]

  paper towels yeah or I want to get or [TS]

  you could buy another Amazon that goes [TS]

  to you it's that goes all the way down [TS]

  hmm let's let go in black or white you [TS]

  can get a dot you can get it you can get [TS]

  a case for your dot oh I got case but [TS]

  aren't you supposed to just leave them [TS]

  lying around while I make it case on [TS]

  them I don't know I think some people [TS]

  are fussy about those things that's also [TS]

  get Jesse thorn kind of thing to do to [TS]

  put it put your your dot in a case you [TS]

  get put your dot into KC you know I [TS]

  don't that I don't want that then you [TS]

  get a case removing tool it seems to me [TS]

  in my own life that things like paper [TS]

  towels and coffee and butter and socks [TS]

  and stuff like that are never the things [TS]

  that I find myself needing what I need [TS]

  what I look on the internet for in the [TS]

  middle of the night is like just like [TS]

  really weird stuff a window where he [TS]

  campaigned pin yeah that I did but I [TS]

  feel like I desperately need that [TS]

  delivered in 24 hours now I know the [TS]

  feeling a problem like I need some I [TS]

  need like as many des sont pullover [TS]

  windbreakers as I can get [TS]

  what's your bottom price get him here [TS]

  ASAP and then you know then I ordered [TS]

  them on mass and then I said every [TS]

  everyday on my chair and I watched down [TS]

  the road for the truck to arrive I know [TS]

  and it's like come on come on this is [TS]

  what I need and it's like butter and [TS]

  bread and stuff that you know that stuff [TS]

  finds its way to you it's a quote it e [TS]

  you know that's that's either that's the [TS]

  easy as you say the low-hanging fruit or [TS]

  the low-hanging bread yeah yeah so okay [TS]

  so I'm looking here at at prime now [TS] org I see here snacks mm-hmm [TS]

  shop clothing and accessories I'm gonna [TS]

  go there in a minute [TS]

  shop Ben & Jerry's that's a whole layer [TS]

  that might be a business development [TS]

  relationship huh [TS]

  top layer ben jerry's summer treats [TS]

  business development okay but just lose [TS]

  the search field and search you some [TS]

  coffee [TS]

  here are some partners washable yeah do [TS]

  you have those there this is this is [TS]

  regional elijah meyer oh these are local [TS]

  stores i see and right right here the [TS]

  first first local store in seattle [TS]

  amazon [TS]

  yeah shop local store if you got amazon [TS]

  peninsula beauty pet food express I've [TS]

  talked about talent always confuses me [TS]

  hmm okay top categories grocery alcohol [TS]

  help and beauty health and beauty HB a [TS]

  they call it oh I do need some q-tips [TS]

  hahaha see ya you know never stick [TS]

  anything inside your ear bigger than [TS]

  your elbow [TS]

  mm-hm except for this thing that's [TS]

  specifically designed to do that you're [TS]

  not supposed to do I do it I do it every [TS]

  night when I'm watching TV [TS]

  do you know Scott Simpson gave me a [TS]

  Japanese ear cleaner mmm high time he [TS]

  gave me some sponges yeah he's crazy [TS]

  about those freaking sponges you know [TS]

  we're talking about a guy I haven't [TS]

  spoken to in a year cuz he won't a [TS]

  return to return my taxes like he it's [TS]

  like he turned into a he turn into a [TS]

  cloud hmm but I but I still have all [TS]

  these sponges under my kitchen counter [TS]

  every time I look at him I get the magic [TS]

  sponges yeah yeah household essentials [TS]

  electronics and video games Amazon [TS]

  devices that's its own I could get a [TS]

  fire tablet pet supplies toys kids and [TS]

  baby home kitchen I am so sorry John I I [TS]

  have grossly derailed this whole [TS]

  conversation by introducing you to this [TS]

  world I just want you to be aware of it [TS]

  headphone about headphones how many [TS]

  times do you buy a new pair of [TS]

  headphones like things to listen to [TS]

  music on the go on my ears okay not that [TS]

  often [TS]

  my average is out - once a year no kind [TS]

  of you might go - but one thing is I [TS]

  bought the Apple cordless ones and I'm [TS]

  pretty happy with them so I used those a [TS]

  lot before that I used this these really [TS]

  nice in your little butt plugs you put [TS]

  in your ear and they were really nice [TS]

  and they work great with the iPhone but [TS]

  they weren't made very well I'd have to [TS]

  replace them in just about every year [TS]

  but no not too much do you [TS]

  you've made the transition to wireless [TS]

  earbuds and you're no longer somebody [TS]

  that's yelling at Apple for not having a [TS]

  headphone jack no I'm still yelling at [TS]

  that cuz look if you can if we want to [TS]

  listen in the car [TS]

  we got a dongle you gotta have a ground [TS]

  goal John ding-dong ding-dong tells very [TS]

  funfetti wait wait come back come back [TS]

  what is that what it's funfetti that [TS]

  looks fun gluten-free cake gently Oh [TS]

  strawberry Oh strawberry frosting [TS]

  they'll just bring frosting to your [TS]

  house John like a tub of frosting okay I [TS]

  would order that shit you know what [TS]

  here's what a shit show it is Ben and [TS]

  Jerry's summer treats I clicked on it [TS]

  here there's only five flavors okay [TS]

  caramel sutra core I don't know Tara [TS]

  knows that with a k' I don't either [TS]

  Americone dream chocolate chip cookie [TS]

  dough which is like yes it's good but [TS]

  I'm not a freaking secretary and a [TS]

  insurance company nobody like I'm a [TS]

  full-grown man yes peanut butter cup and [TS]

  chocolate fudge brownie also a [TS]

  secretarial Brent so where is the New [TS]

  York super fudge chunk where is the [TS]

  everything but the these are the great [TS]

  flavors these are the Ben and Jerry's [TS]

  top flavors [TS]

  oh there's one I like a lot what's the [TS]

  call it's like chocolate fantasy [TS]

  everything but the girl there's one it's [TS]

  like chocolate chocolate chocolate and [TS]

  chocolate it's like again it's like a [TS]

  Monty Python sketch but it's like it's [TS]

  like fudge ice cream with fudge and more [TS]

  chocolate and and like it's all of the [TS]

  little chocolate fantasy fudge master [TS]

  here's the thing about the word fudge [TS]

  yes there's nothing there's no there's [TS]

  no access there's no way there's no type [TS]

  of way to say fudge it's really gross [TS]

  without it just sounds dirty just [TS]

  resonating in the room and you try to [TS]

  get it out [TS]

  slip it into conversation like oh I'm [TS]

  gonna get the fudge it's like you might [TS]

  as well just clanged two symbols [TS]

  together and then it just ring it just [TS]

  rolls around in my head for the rest of [TS]

  the day fudge [TS]

  now you gotta live with that fudge if [TS]

  you had a lisp still fudge judge [TS]

  there's no lisby way to say fudge no but [TS]

  you have any kind of accent fudge fudge [TS]

  so anyway that's a way that you could [TS]

  get coffee and and it's the strawberry [TS]

  frosting looks pretty good it's got a [TS]

  little Doughboy right on it creamy [TS]

  supreme strawberry frosting no way I am [TS]

  gonna try out their cakes you know [TS]

  because I'm always looking for okay I'm [TS]

  gonna put this in here this is one thing [TS]

  I want in the middle of the night chalk [TS]

  well you're saying that this isn't gonna [TS]

  come in the middle of the night though [TS]

  oh I mean you should go check okay so [TS]

  here's what you do go put something in [TS]

  your cart click on the cart and a bitch [TS]

  it'll tell you let me see so when I got [TS]

  to proceed to checkout Oh signing in me [TS]

  get mini vegan chocolate cupcake 12 [TS]

  count [TS]

  oh yes you look at that select aisle [TS]

  every time 12 12 to 2 boom leave it at [TS]

  the door leave it at the door you tick [TS]

  that off if it's not perishable that [TS]

  leave it at the door [TS]

  you don't have to interact with people [TS]

  leave it leave it [TS]

  ice cream chocolate molten cake no [TS]

  here's my objection to cookie dough [TS]

  brownie cake it is that ice cream is [TS]

  more expensive to make than cake ice [TS]

  cream is more expensive to make than [TS]

  cake yeah so every time they put cookie [TS]

  dough in your ice cream what they're [TS]

  basically doing is hot [TS]

  a giant space in your ice-cream and [TS]

  putting some cheap cheaper shit in there [TS]

  mm-hmm right you might have cotton ball [TS]

  ice cream yes get your get as much ice [TS]

  cream as you can in your ice cream [TS]

  that's why they call it is man if you [TS]

  want cookie dough you go get cookie [TS]

  dough you're speaking out you slather it [TS]

  with aftermarket Serge and cookie dough [TS]

  like but don't don't put it in there for [TS]

  me I'm not a child I know how to fashion [TS]

  my own dessert say that again [TS]

  oh oh no no no I was just suggesting [TS]

  that if you're if you're grown-ass man [TS]

  you know you know what kind of [TS]

  aftermarket if you want the spinning [TS]

  rims you know how to put it on your ice [TS]

  cream you don't need some some some Wall [TS]

  Street fat cat drizzling up your ice [TS]

  cream for you just give me the fucking [TS]

  ice cream I know what to do with ice [TS]

  cream cute don't be cute with ice cream [TS]

  don't put strawberry frosting on their [TS]

  creamy supreme I know how to do that do [TS]

  it I don't need a canister of that you [TS]

  know I don't need that I don't need that [TS]

  shot through my ice cream just give me [TS]

  the ice cream that's why it's called ice [TS]

  cream that's why it's called ice cream [TS]

  and this this is the thing like cookie [TS]

  dough mm-hmm [TS]

  cookie dough is wonderful you see that's [TS]

  how they get is what you're saying [TS]

  that's exactly how they get you yeah [TS]

  they fill it up they feel they're like [TS]

  what's cheap cookie dough mm-hmm what's [TS]

  cookie dough made out of like flour and [TS]

  water and so let's throw a bunch of that [TS]

  into this tub that should be filled with [TS]

  fat creamy ice cream I heard on a an [TS]

  informational podcast the other day that [TS]

  in the old days one way of ripping [TS]

  people off is we need to sell them like [TS]

  a barrel of oil you'd like half fill it [TS]

  with water so the oil would be on top [TS]

  and then you get the water underneath [TS]

  it's a similar situation here except [TS]

  with with bad dessert decisions it's [TS]

  exactly right that's how do you hide a [TS]

  radio in Hogan's Heroes right well [TS]

  you've put it in coffee like Eddie [TS]

  Murphy does right if we get your German [TS]

  bearer bonds and you could see it throws [TS]

  off the dogs that was yeah that's right [TS]

  those bearer bonds they'll know they're [TS]

  they'll alert a dog like POW they train [TS]

  them on bearer bonds yeah they smell [TS]

  like cocaine is why does that why huh [TS]

  well because if you take any bearer bond [TS]

  it's gonna have a trace of cocaine on it [TS]

  I don't know if that's like exactly [TS]

  scientifical but I think in practice [TS]

  your [TS]

  you're gonna find flecks of coke on [TS]

  pretty much any kind of the monetary [TS]

  device like that especially from Germany [TS]

  let's be honest well you remember you [TS]

  remember in there I think you I think [TS]

  this was not a thing maybe they said [TS]

  this in the 80s maybe it was only in the [TS]

  90s but that every hundred dollar bill [TS]

  in circulation in America had cocaine on [TS]

  it did you ever hear over here that you [TS]

  think that's that's a lot of large [TS]

  numbers type situation yeah I feel like [TS]

  it's strange that explains almost [TS]

  everything is the law of large numbers [TS]

  law of large numbers it feels to me more [TS]

  in the category of the type of thing [TS]

  that stoners say to each other while [TS]

  they're sitting around like messing with [TS]

  their drug paraphernalia sure yeah like [TS]

  like a cop if you ask a cop if he's a [TS]

  cop you have to tell you he's going to [TS]

  show you is dick yeah right like oh dude [TS]

  every hundred dollar bill in America has [TS]

  cocaine on it it's just the type of [TS]

  thing that drug people say in order to [TS]

  yeah the conversation that's like why [TS]

  snoops exists why Snopes exists yeah do [TS]

  you know if you go into a baskin-robbins [TS]

  with a dog they have to give you free [TS]

  ice cream some are you sure about that [TS]

  pretty sure yeah you know it justifies I [TS]

  think within a drug subculture it should [TS]

  just just of justifies like it [TS]

  promulgates it but that we're not the [TS]

  ones that are crazy mm-hmm it's the it's [TS]

  the world that's crazy [TS]

  mm-hmm you know it's that little bit of [TS]

  there was a while there where every [TS]

  person I knew that was that was on the [TS]

  drugs was reading a book called behold [TS]

  the pale horse are you familiar with the [TS]

  book behold the pale horse the hold the [TS]

  hold the pale horse is I think one of [TS]

  the original source materials for the [TS]

  conspiracy merriness it is the it's the [TS]

  it was one of the original tomes where [TS]

  all the extant conspiracy theories of [TS]

  the time and I'm saying you know 80s or [TS]

  whatever they were [TS]

  all gathered together into one sort of [TS]

  comprehensive like aliens are [TS]

  controlling the government they live [TS]

  under the North Pole they this is this [TS]

  is what explains all the the windmills [TS]

  in the desert outside of Palm Springs [TS]

  but it also explains Jackie Kennedy's [TS]

  the fact that her ring was red yesterday [TS]

  and today is green like it was really a [TS]

  comprehensive overview written in the [TS]

  style of you know and like this is [TS]

  obviously coming out of one guys [TS]

  obsessive research into this stuff [TS]

  pre-internet and so a long long time [TS]

  before internet this book went around [TS]

  the the land of of tweakers and it [TS]

  wasn't that it was not associated at the [TS]

  time with any kind of liberalism or [TS]

  conservativism it didn't have a taint of [TS]

  being it wasn't as hilarious as it might [TS]

  sound the idea of government of our [TS]

  government being controlled by UFOs was [TS]

  not yet tainted by politics yeah it was [TS]

  a nonpartisan conspiracy theory right it [TS]

  felt like you could be you could [TS]

  absolutely think this is still true I [TS]

  mean I have a lot of friends who are [TS]

  leftist nominally leftist super God it's [TS]

  it's you know no question absolutely but [TS]

  it's it's it's something that explains [TS]

  some kind of a big thing that doesn't [TS]

  have a plausible explanation another way [TS]

  and it's satisfying usually these [TS]

  theories are satisfying of a way as a [TS]

  way of understanding the world and the [TS]

  beauty part of most conspiracy theories [TS]

  is it serves to prove that everything [TS]

  you suspected about some kind of group [TS]

  is true because obviously this is this [TS]

  is the kind of effort that they will go [TS]

  to in order to keep us blind to reality [TS]

  that's right well oh and this is the [TS]

  great thing so this book behold the pale [TS]

  horse was written by this guy bill [TS]

  Cooper and his his credentials are this [TS]

  is and I remember even at the time as [TS]

  people were passing this around I read [TS]

  it I read it I remember this was this [TS]

  was the source of my [TS]

  my great revelation laying in bed one [TS]

  night just like totally whacked out and [TS]

  I and that you know the the jumbo jets [TS]

  go over Capitol Hill in Seattle I'm that [TS]

  this jet was coming in on final approach [TS]

  to SeaTac Airport and I was like if the [TS]

  UFOs were going to disguise their ships [TS]

  as something wouldn't they disguise them [TS]

  as jumbo jets oh we've had this [TS]

  conversation right no and then from then [TS]

  on I was like every airplane is a UFO [TS]

  and that came from that came from [TS]

  reading behold a pale horse but so bill [TS]

  Cooper here's here's his and it's not in [TS]

  behold a pale horse that was just my [TS]

  extrapolation of some of the data got [TS]

  your mind right that's right now that [TS]

  I'm now that I'm now that I've I've had [TS]

  a glimpse behind the curtain of the top [TS]

  secret world that actually is but Bill [TS]

  Cooper's is like CV or his his bona [TS]

  fides were that he was a former United [TS]

  States naval intelligence [TS]

  wait for it mm-hmm briefing team member [TS]

  hmm and it's like oh right at the end of [TS]

  that it's sort of sort of Peters off a [TS]

  little bit it Peters off in a way that I [TS]

  wasn't quite expecting like former [TS]

  United States Naval Intelligence yes yes [TS]

  briefing yeah make that sillier is if [TS]

  you added the word spouse someone who [TS]

  attended a briefing possibly United [TS]

  States naval intelligence briefing team [TS]

  member spouse secret wife in here in [TS]

  plot so I mean so I so that even at the [TS]

  time I was like team member usually this [TS]

  is something that that indicates that [TS]

  you're working out of Kinkos it I don't [TS]

  see it like a rank there it's not like [TS]

  commander bill Cooper former US Navy [TS]

  intelligence briefing team member so [TS]

  anyway [TS]

  bill bill Cooper had some info he had [TS]

  some [TS]

  had some datasets but this was a thing [TS]

  that now that we'd all read it the fact [TS]

  that we were sitting around doing like [TS]

  bad drugs that had been cut with baby [TS]

  laxative made perfect sense given that [TS]

  of all the people in the world who [TS]

  should know about what's really behind [TS]

  the curtain it would be us it would be [TS]

  this group of people that had that you [TS]

  know that never wash their sheets I [TS]

  think that's still still true today [TS]

  there's something about sleeping on [TS]

  dirty sheets we're doing other things on [TS]

  dirty sheets it gives you gives you [TS]

  insight sleeping on dirty sheets now [TS]

  that's a really good little soul lyric [TS]

  everything's coming everything's coming [TS]

  unglued I you know it it's one thing you [TS]

  know I'm prone to melancholy mm-hmm well [TS]

  you know it's just good yeah a good [TS]

  friend of mine just recently said goes [TS]

  with the territory which territory well [TS]

  that she wasn't a hundred percent clear [TS]

  was but it was some people just think [TS]

  about like you wake up maybe two three [TS]

  in the morning you go pee and then for a [TS]

  couple hours you think about that yeah [TS]

  you're like it was pretty she presumed [TS]

  that I knew that what she meant and that [TS]

  we were talking about the same thing and [TS]

  she was like yeah it goes with the [TS]

  territory and I was like right mm-hmm [TS]

  but that was never clear exactly what [TS]

  that territory was like is it all the [TS]

  territory is that none of the territory [TS]

  is it your territory not mine or [TS]

  overlapping territories I was thinking [TS]

  about territories but it's one of those [TS]

  things that it's hard [TS]

  strictly speaking to disagree with it's [TS]

  one of those statements like I'm gonna [TS]

  say like what are you gonna do that's [TS]

  right what are you gonna do yeah what do [TS]

  what can you do what can you do mm-hmm [TS]

  right am i right that's one that's one [TS]

  that you say all the time am i right [TS]

  yeah just was like it seems to be a [TS]

  statement about something and it's [TS]

  really just more like a social [TS]

  declaration of solidarity about [TS]

  something right and I think that's very [TS]

  very true of goes with the territory [TS]

  because I think the assumption is that [TS]

  that territory is [TS]

  what either that it's that if you're [TS]

  already you're prone to melancholy or if [TS]

  you're I mean there's you know I'm I'm [TS]

  public with being a lot of things right [TS]

  prone to prone to prone to melancholy [TS]

  that's the territory really crying [TS]

  coffee loser yes stand full of swords [TS]

  that's right they're coming about these [TS]

  things that made that in fact maybe the [TS]

  territory she's referring to you know [TS]

  look if you have an umbrella stand full [TS]

  of swords you're gonna be a little [TS]

  melancholy sometime in the middle of the [TS]

  night that territory's gonna have things [TS]

  that go with it well sure I mean do you [TS]

  want to talk about it no mm-hmm [TS]

  why well it goes with the territory yeah [TS]

  yeah I won't talk about it who are you [TS]

  gonna say about it what came to do you [TS]

  know oh okay that was nice talk fist [TS]

  bump [TS]

  you know oh don't be melancholy what [TS]

  kept said no but nobody that's in the [TS]

  territory would ever say that to anybody [TS]

  else in the territory yeah it's like in [TS]

  the x-men movie when their parents say [TS]

  have you tried not being gay portrait in [TS]

  this case tried not being a mutant which [TS]

  is code for have you tried not being gay [TS]

  its code people sneaking code a lot of [TS]

  the time right right right [TS]

  oh sure they do even now even now that [TS]

  everybody's out you still got a speak in [TS]

  code you better that's that's fuckin [TS]

  poetry - yeah right am i right [TS]

  i I was I was walking around the [TS]

  backyard well no let's be honest I was [TS]

  mowing the lawn okay and that what I [TS]

  just first said wasn't untrue cuz I was [TS]

  walking around the yard it's just that I [TS]

  was pushing like a it's all your picture [TS]

  of them when you get when you go from [TS]

  any image of you walking around on the [TS]

  lawn you suddenly seem much more focused [TS]

  if I imagine you with a mower is it is [TS]

  it is a hand push mower yep is it a [TS]

  circle swirly Brady Bunch or is it like [TS]

  a like a snapper we got a circle swirly [TS]

  one because we don't have that much yard [TS]

  like a you know like a like no no no no [TS]

  it's the ones with the rotary blades you [TS]

  push around like you're an old man [TS]

  what's the other kind what's the other [TS]

  kind oh yeah [TS]

  oh I see what you're saying like I owe [TS]

  the right the for what I'm talking about [TS]

  here talking about a manual lawnmower [TS]

  like a non power T annual yes right so [TS]

  when I was a kid that my mom didn't [TS]

  trust me with a with a motor vehicle and [TS]

  so she gave you rotating knives on a [TS]

  handle deadly 1925 lawnmowers and I was [TS]

  out there we have huge lawn that was my [TS]

  job right I got out of dusting and [TS]

  vacuuming that know it vacuuming was my [TS]

  job and mowing the lawn was my job I [TS]

  didn't have to dust it really any kind [TS]

  of machine on a stick that is pushed [TS]

  that's gonna be in your wheelhouse from [TS]

  the time I was about seven years old [TS]

  those were my job okay and so I'm out in [TS]

  this giant yard pushing his like it took [TS]

  me all day in the hot Sun too long but [TS]

  that was you know look it's a cutting [TS]

  trail that's where I got the idea that's [TS]

  right anyway I'm out there mowing the [TS]

  lawn and I decided I decided this this [TS]

  year I was gonna try something new [TS]

  which was that I was gonna let my grass [TS]

  grow tall it's gonna let it go up to see [TS]

  oh you're gonna regret that but I was [TS]

  gonna cut hands through the yard cut [TS]

  paths through the yard you get like an [TS]

  English garden that's right so I just [TS]

  sort of phrase isn't that a phrase again [TS]

  you get an American garden and [TS]

  everything's got to be in perfect rows [TS]

  and containers the English they fight [TS]

  they love a crazy fucking garden that's [TS]

  what the garden be the garden and then [TS]

  we'll create what's called a desire path [TS]

  I will make them half I will make it [TS]

  back over the English garden way to [TS]

  Flint Sun I quiet desperation is the [TS]

  English Way and I was making little [TS]

  roads through the grass that I [TS]

  maintained for a while and it was very [TS]

  fun and little the little roads would [TS]

  come to little intersections where they [TS]

  would connect with some other little [TS]

  path that was headed you know over Hill [TS]

  and Dale and you could go and you could [TS]

  get in my little system of paths you go [TS]

  wander all around question are they [TS]

  curvy oh yeah fucking-a I love this yes [TS]

  because I learned from [TS]

  the united states interstate highway [TS]

  system if you make a road too straight [TS]

  for too long people will fall asleep and [TS]

  drive off the road is that what they [TS]

  learned yes the inner the original [TS]

  interstate highway was I think the Ohio [TS]

  Turnpike or the Pennsylvania Turnpike [TS]

  and their the their first attempt was [TS]

  like let's just build a road like let's [TS]

  just build this road we're going from [TS]

  here to there point A to point B let's [TS]

  just build this giant straight road and [TS]

  people after a fairly short amount of [TS]

  time driving on just flat straight road [TS]

  just would just become mesmerised and [TS]

  just drive into there I've driven for [TS]

  maybe half an hour and forget that I'm [TS]

  driving and then I remember I've been [TS]

  driving yeah so they they realize that [TS]

  they need to put sort of giant gradual [TS]

  turns and swoopy little you know like [TS]

  give the driver some work to do even if [TS]

  it's just kind of keeping these big [TS]

  broad sweet swooping curbs but don't let [TS]

  them look all the way out into the [TS]

  horizon and see their destiny is a real [TS]

  story cuz that's super interesting it's [TS]

  like a tiny little bit obviously there's [TS]

  the visual and physical the visual [TS]

  stimulation the physical feedback of [TS]

  doing that but I bet it's also just the [TS]

  most tiny little microscopic like [TS]

  dopamine hit in the same way that like [TS]

  if you're driving a racecar or around a [TS]

  track really fast I bet that's tons of [TS]

  dopamine cuz you're making so many [TS]

  decisions but that's just a little bit [TS]

  of like I'm driving a car that would [TS]

  totally keep you aware well so I feel [TS]

  like this is a real malcolm gladwell ii [TS]

  kind of idea this is this is sort of a [TS]

  TEDTalk ii thing to talk about did you [TS]

  know and I have no real I cannot cite [TS]

  anything that I've read about this but [TS]

  I'd be anyway to disprove you so I [TS]

  wouldn't worry about it but if you think [TS]

  about it you should be able to go you [TS]

  should be able to leave Yuma Arizona and [TS]

  drive to Austin Texas without ever [TS]

  having a curve in the road I guess going [TS]

  through Las Cruces you might have to [TS]

  like mmm but certainly it could be you [TS]

  know I'm guessing this is I don't want [TS]

  to think about this too much but I [TS]

  that part of it is also like what land [TS]

  we could get you can eminent domain the [TS]

  shit out of a bunch of that land to make [TS]

  it straight but then there's some times [TS]

  you're gonna get the the old man in the [TS]

  up house you're gonna have to like have [TS]

  a little path go around that or you get [TS]

  a las cruces some point you have a [TS]

  movable object and a you know in a [TS]

  movable road you have to accommodate [TS]

  that when I crashed my motorcycle back [TS]

  in 1986 in Oakley Kansas my excuse for [TS]

  it was that the road had been going [TS]

  straight for a long time and then as [TS]

  they were building it there was like [TS]

  there was like a cow that wouldn't move [TS]

  and the farmer was pulling on the leash [TS]

  on one side and the US Army Corps of [TS]

  Engineers guy was pushing on the cows [TS]

  but like just cow wouldn't move so they [TS]

  but they drove the road around him they [TS]

  built the road around him and that was [TS]

  where the curve came and I didn't see it [TS]

  and I drove off they added like an [TS]

  unnecessary semicircle unnecessary [TS]

  semicircle because I'm hauling ass right [TS]

  it's like 11:30 5:00 at night yeah I've [TS]

  got the throttle wide open and way off [TS]

  in the distance I see a car come up over [TS]

  a hill coming directly toward me and [TS]

  I've got my brights on and I'm a [TS]

  courteous driver even then even at the [TS]

  even at the ripe old age of 17 and so [TS]

  and Here I am I've just got this [TS]

  motorcycle who's wrapped out on highway [TS]

  40 outside of Oakland Kansas and I'm [TS]

  thinking I'm making it you know I'm [TS]

  making it to Kansas City tonight or [TS]

  whatever I thought and here comes this [TS]

  car over the hill and I go I'm a [TS]

  courteous driver and I turn my brights [TS]

  down Oh No and at this point now I just [TS]

  have my regular headlight on and at the [TS]

  speed that I'm going that is giving me [TS]

  some advance notice in the three-second [TS]

  range I see something come into my [TS]

  headlights that is three seconds away [TS]

  and your brain so there's a one part of [TS]

  your brain the conscious it goes I'm a [TS]

  courteous driver I turn down my lights [TS]

  but there's some part of your brain and [TS]

  I maybe I'm spoiling a story but there's [TS]

  a party brain that also goes and I'm [TS]

  assuming naturally that this will [TS]

  continue to go exactly straight in the [TS]

  way that I'm straightening right now [TS]

  exactly because the car that's coming [TS]

  toward me is coming in a straight line I [TS]

  see [TS]

  that pattern and I see myself and so [TS]

  what could possibly be but in between us [TS]

  is there going to be is there is the [TS]

  bridge out no from let's assume no [TS]

  sinkhole let's us let's assume no [TS]

  sinkhole let's assume no like corn [TS]

  monster and corn monster commemorative [TS]

  cow [TS]

  it would just be natural to assume this [TS]

  has been going straight the whole time [TS]

  why for heaven's sake why would it not [TS]

  keep just going straight right and again [TS]

  my courtesy is that I don't want to be [TS]

  coming at this person for the next two [TS]

  and a half miles shining my bright right [TS]

  in there I just to turn it down like [TS]

  when I when I imagine that the that the [TS]

  distance is close enough that light [TS]

  suddenly becomes oh now he can see my [TS]

  plight now some things we know is we're [TS]

  both driving and we know this thing is [TS]

  impossibly straight that's the two [TS]

  things all we need to know we are in [TS]

  Kansas it is by definition straight [TS]

  three three you know three seconds ahead [TS]

  and the road goes all of a sudden out of [TS]

  the gloom of the gloaming hmm I see the [TS]

  little [TS]

  little [TS]

  reflectors on the side of the road just [TS]

  indicate that the road just goes left [TS]

  turn if there was a sign you didn't see [TS]

  it there was no I well you didn't see a [TS]

  large like cow semicircle next half-mile [TS]

  no no there was no like roundabouts [TS]

  ahead with a cow in the middle and this [TS]

  road went zoom and I was like wow and I [TS]

  was not let's be honest [TS]

  the world's most seasoned motorcyclist [TS]

  at this time you know there are a lot of [TS]

  people being on a motorcycle I have [TS]

  tried to drive motorcycle like things [TS]

  and found it hard but my feeling is that [TS]

  like so much in a young person's life [TS]

  most of your time on a motorcycle is [TS]

  spent not crashing and so you haven't [TS]

  really driven a motorcycle until you've [TS]

  crashed in a bunch because that's always [TS]

  an option [TS]

  yeah you have to crash to learn now not [TS]

  to crash they say about you haven't had [TS]

  your ass kicked yet it's it's not really [TS]

  that you're successful it's just you're [TS]

  you're really only successful after [TS]

  you've lost yeah I agree [TS]

  right you're skating alone it's like [TS]

  it's like it's like young people you [TS]

  know celebrating how they're healthy [TS]

  well said of course you're healthy [TS]

  you're young like you didn't earn that [TS]

  right right yeah of course you're [TS]

  healthy and free of course of course you [TS]

  still have your life in front of you [TS]

  different degree than if you spend a lot [TS]

  of time on forums of course you could [TS]

  have put forty dollars a month into [TS]

  retirement [TS]

  just fucking 40 dollars a month what a [TS]

  difference it would have made you know [TS]

  when your kid goes to college it's gonna [TS]

  cost a million dollars a semester what [TS]

  are you gonna do then Yeah right of [TS]

  course you could have considered you [TS]

  might have a kid someday yeah you better [TS]

  have a matching matching funds to ride [TS]

  your fucking motorcycle get out there [TS]

  get on and get on the couch let me [TS]

  Circle let me know how that goes do you [TS]

  ever go to forums mmm-hmm yeah sure I [TS]

  got a forum okay so one of the forums [TS]

  that I go to is old men that drive [TS]

  Porsche 911 and they love to bare all [TS]

  boy they love to bitch but one of the [TS]

  things that's true about old Porsche [TS]

  911s because there are rear [TS]

  engined car and there's a you know [TS]

  there's always love a rear-engine don't [TS]

  they oh they did though well you know [TS]

  they like to engineer things I don't [TS]

  want to be too normative but the thing [TS]

  about it German is they will engineer it [TS]

  right they want to they want to build it [TS]

  yeah they want to they want to draw it [TS]

  and then build it according to the [TS]

  drawing yeah anyway if you are in a in a [TS]

  Porsche 911 and you are going fast [TS]

  through the twisties let's call them [TS]

  that let's say that just to please [TS]

  people going through the twisty roads a [TS]

  truism is that you do not lift off your [TS]

  accelerator in a corner because if you [TS]

  go into a corner with your foot on the [TS]

  gas and then you're going too fast [TS]

  and you get a little scared and you lift [TS]

  your foot off the gas the back end is [TS]

  gonna up your Porsche 911 is gonna cut [TS]

  loose and it's gonna spin out and you're [TS]

  gonna crash because because it's behind [TS]

  you get the Brian the engine so if you [TS]

  get scared in a corner in a Porsche 911 [TS]

  the thing to do is give it more gas not [TS]

  less turns fucking out I never would [TS]

  have guessed that yes because if you [TS]

  push it if you push the gas down the car [TS]

  will sink down and and it's and the turn [TS]

  radius will back up a truck with a [TS]

  trailer you have to let go of everything [TS]

  you think you understand about angles [TS]

  that's right you got your hand on the [TS]

  bottom of the wheel and and steer [TS]

  backwards you have to go against every [TS]

  instinct you know you don't talk about [TS]

  right oh yes my favorite times I've [TS]

  quivered in fear with Sean Nelson and so [TS]

  many times when that was one of the best [TS]

  one Danis lie straight ahead and work [TS]

  that out with you ahead of time handy in [TS]

  German yep and so you going around the [TS]

  curve but so this is true of motorcycles [TS]

  too if you go into a corner and use then [TS]

  you realize that your geometry is wrong [TS]

  and that you feel like oh shit I'm in [TS]

  this corner I'm going too hot and if I [TS]

  if I don't figure this out I'm gonna go [TS]

  I'm gonna go off the road yep yep yep [TS]

  the your instinct is to let off the gas [TS]

  because right you're going too fast so [TS]

  you let off the gas but if you're on a [TS]

  motorcycle and you let off the gas [TS]

  you're gonna straighten up and you're [TS]

  gonna now you're really gonna go [TS]

  straight off the road and what you what [TS]

  you need to do is give it more gas and [TS]

  you will it's this incredible feeling [TS]

  that seems that seems so crazy that's [TS]

  like me and anti-lock brakes as somebody [TS]

  who used to own a rear-engine Volkswagen [TS]

  bus I'll tell you what I knew is you [TS]

  just you pump lightly pump pump pump up [TS]

  not pump up up up up up [TS]

  that pump up pump up pump up like you're [TS]

  trying you like you feel like you're [TS]

  trying to trying to awaken a fat man [TS]

  just gentle little pushes and then you [TS]

  get into where these and so that's been [TS]

  made my bones on these terrible old cars [TS]

  that you don't you would never slam the [TS]

  brakes on because guess what everything [TS]

  locks up and you're in the paper [TS]

  tomorrow and now today you don't do that [TS]

  you don't go you don't go tap a tap a [TS]

  tap on brakes anymore right uh no I [TS]

  don't think it's a new it's a whole new [TS]

  world I mean it's not that new but it's [TS]

  still new ish to me most of the driving [TS]

  that I've done in my life was on none [TS]

  non anti-lock brakes like I saw you [TS]

  should call them lock brakes uh well I [TS]

  mean you probably started off in a car [TS]

  with drum brakes and then it had disc [TS]

  brakes was the big it was the big [TS]

  invention but now yeah you don't do that [TS]

  because if you do you're just messing [TS]

  with the anti-lock brake system yes [TS]

  before it's pumped before you either [TS]

  pump it's doing a popping right yeah and [TS]

  if you get in if you get in there and [TS]

  try and get involved in that process [TS]

  you're just gumming up the works yeah [TS]

  yeah the machine is trying to do it in [TS]

  the new cars like it's doing it all four [TS]

  wheels are doing it differently based on [TS]

  the traction that they sense through [TS]

  their feelers it's using science for [TS]

  that John oh so much science you know [TS]

  who else likes to engineer things [TS]

  Japanese carmakers but so that but the [TS]

  thing is about driving a Porsche and a [TS]

  motorcycle is that if you do want to [TS]

  slow down you do it before [TS]

  turn before that so you let your gas off [TS]

  while you're still going Street here [TS]

  comes the corner [TS]

  you let your gas off while you're still [TS]

  going straight you don't put on you [TS]

  don't necessarily have to put on the [TS]

  brake just letting the gas off will [TS]

  allow that sort of engine compression to [TS]

  slow your vehicle down just enough and [TS]

  then as you set up to go into the turn [TS]

  you put on the gas not take it off this [TS]

  is so the one piece of knowledge that [TS]

  I've got about cars and as you know I [TS]

  don't enjoy driving I don't like cars [TS]

  but I think the one piece of knowledge [TS]

  is that I have it's it's got a little [TS]

  bit of Eastern philosophy to it I feel [TS]

  like in my head the first step towards [TS]

  stopping is to stop starting so if [TS]

  before you hit the brakes like for [TS]

  example let's say you're going on the [TS]

  grapevine and you suddenly see the red [TS]

  brick lights they're going to get to get [TS]

  in getting closer closer closer like [TS]

  before you have the brakes stopped [TS]

  accelerating well that fucking grapevine [TS]

  the grapevine well mike symon raw no my [TS]

  number one rule on the highway is if I [TS]

  see brake lights of any kind I put a [TS]

  little Mario Brothers coin over that car [TS]

  yeah and the coin says ding-dong right [TS]

  at this point they are merely they are [TS]

  identified merely as a ding dong that [TS]

  like that coin could go up in value if [TS]

  they turn into a dipshit right because [TS]

  yeah you do not need to touch your [TS]

  brakes DRI oh no the Germans have whole [TS]

  studies about this John if you read the [TS]

  studies about how traffic will be better [TS]

  if we quit driving fast and hitting our [TS]

  brakes I feel that in my dog oh shit dog [TS]

  there is a body of fucking work about [TS]

  this about the problems I've seen [TS]

  visualizations of this the problem is [TS]

  you don't you want to be going faster [TS]

  than everybody else but you're in [TS]

  traffic so you drive real fast and [TS]

  you're breaking a drive wheel and the [TS]

  impact the knock-on effect that that has [TS]

  for everybody behind you it could take [TS]

  it could take it an hour for that [TS]

  traffic to clear up just because you hit [TS]

  your brakes it's like uh it's like a [TS]

  Chevy with butterfly wings I'm hurting [TS]

  inside because it's so that's [TS]

  unnecessary and if you want to slow down [TS]

  take your foot off the gas because the [TS]

  thing is you should be looking far [TS]

  enough ahead that the person in front of [TS]

  you [TS]

  it doesn't matter it's the person five [TS]

  people in front of you that matters and [TS]

  so if you see that person start to move [TS]

  in a different way take your foot off [TS]

  the gas yes you know it's gonna come you [TS]

  know whatever they're doing is gonna [TS]

  come and break like there's no world [TS]

  we're in at least in my head you could [TS]

  probably simulate this with VR I don't [TS]

  know but to me there's no world where I [TS]

  see brake lights anywhere in front of me [TS]

  and I accelerate that just is wrong no [TS]

  that's the wrong that's the wrong thing [TS]

  to do because you don't does not mean [TS]

  that doesn't the opposite of [TS]

  accelerating is not breaking the [TS]

  opposite of accelerating is no longer [TS]

  accelerating right take your foot off [TS]

  the gas number one thing like I will I [TS]

  will oftentimes drive all the way to [TS]

  town and never touch my brakes because [TS]

  they are it's two different instruments [TS]

  it's like when you try to injure and [TS]

  you're hammering by grabbing a [TS]

  screwdriver [TS]

  it just doesn't stand up to logic I told [TS]

  you at the time we were driving on the [TS]

  PCH and Chris Camellia dared me to go [TS]

  all the way to Big Sur without touching [TS]

  the brakes oh that's the wrong guy to [TS]

  dare dare John to do that it was such [TS]

  fancy sleigh ride he's such a [TS]

  he's a gesture he's a crow he's an imp [TS]

  of a man he's always provoking people [TS]

  isn't it job he's a provocateur yeah it [TS]

  was certainly he doing funny you come [TS]

  ups isn't he doing funny you come ups [TS]

  now I think the best thing I heard was [TS]

  that he's teaching improv in Portland [TS]

  Oregon's and go learn improv in Portland [TS]

  Oregon looked for Chris connealy I think [TS]

  he's got a new is getting shingle [TS]

  farm-to-table comedy with Chris [TS]

  chameleon but if you seriously if you [TS]

  want if you want to if you want to get [TS]

  your money's worth for those adult [TS]

  diapers that you just bought drive down [TS]

  the entire PCH without ever touching one [TS]

  I'm not thinking maybe I'm not thinking [TS]

  to PCH but I'm thinking of one I imagine [TS]

  it's similar we're like there's a couple [TS]

  performance characteristics that really [TS]

  make you want to have some brakes you [TS]

  can have weird Hills you can have weird [TS]

  curves you can have wily coyote [TS]

  guardrails there's a lot of things I'm [TS]

  guessing that are gonna make you want to [TS]

  hit the brakes yeah the curbs in [TS]

  particular the curbs at the bottom of [TS]

  the hills [TS]

  yeah all right we grown an automatic [TS]

  transmission Right see ya you can't just [TS]

  cut your way into this we were driving [TS]

  the van with you know fully loaded with [TS]

  gear and dudes that was what made it [TS]

  even more sporting but I did it I got [TS]

  there and he had to buy me dinner he had [TS]

  to buy me dinner to meet it oh yeah well [TS]

  made it to like that restaurant naropa [TS]

  or your but boy no listen to Shawn awake [TS]

  when this when this bit was everybody [TS]

  was gripping them they were they had I [TS]

  don't see Shawn loving that they had [TS]

  double seatbelts on well no it was [TS]

  Michael showing that was really making [TS]

  the most noise man but you know anyway [TS]

  since Pete loud drummer so so in this [TS]

  night outside of Oakland Kansas all of a [TS]

  sudden the road goes to left and I did [TS]

  not I was not a seasoned enough [TS]

  motorcyclist to know what to do in this [TS]

  instance because I had zero at this [TS]

  point now zero seconds to make informed [TS]

  decisions Jesus and so I did the wrong [TS]

  thing right I took my I let the the gas [TS]

  off the motorcycle stood straight up and [TS]

  I went directly off the road over you [TS]

  know cuz the road was built up on an [TS]

  embankment and I went over whatever [TS]

  rickety cow fence there was endless [TS]

  right into a plowed field and a plowed [TS]

  field where my front tire and front [TS]

  forks went down into the dirt and like [TS]

  bent into themselves [TS]

  and hooked me and the motorcycle over [TS]

  and we just went you told you to fully [TS]

  the Knievel you should be totally dead [TS]

  yeah we went tumbling through the night [TS]

  but it was a freshly plowed field so it [TS]

  was or disked it was a disc that the the [TS]

  whatever though the weed had been [TS]

  harvested since their version of one of [TS]

  those giant like like a Peter Brady lawn [TS]

  mower yep that's right that's right [TS]

  and they had cut up you know they had [TS]

  rain on the Scarecrow and there's blood [TS]

  on the plow you know and they cut up all [TS]

  this dirt mm-hmm and so I just went I [TS]

  just you know did I Steve Austin except [TS]

  with with well no exactly Steve Austin [TS]

  less dust and more dirt clods Oh Steve [TS]

  Austin not Austin 3:16 the wrestler [TS]

  you're talking about full-on bionic man [TS]

  plowing into the ground now we have to [TS]

  replace your legs that's right we can't [TS]

  rebuild we have the technology better [TS]

  stronger faster and I ended up I know [TS]

  this is happening in the middle of the [TS]

  night and it's also suffered 30 years [TS]

  ago [TS]

  there's the pronoun we yeah we me him [TS]

  the motorcycle oh okay all right it [TS]

  wasn't it wasn't like uh wasn't like a [TS]

  girl or anything no no me and the [TS]

  motorcycle at that point at that in a [TS]

  situation like that you're talking about [TS]

  we because you and you end it are you [TS]

  have a special relationship you are [TS]

  flying through space together [TS]

  it lets you it lets you fly through [TS]

  space and you both have expectations I [TS]

  mean you're helping each other and you [TS]

  think this was gonna go straight why [TS]

  would I why would I need to think about [TS]

  that yeah yeah exactly and now that [TS]

  you're in a crisis [TS]

  you're really depending on one another [TS]

  I'm depending on the motorcycle not to [TS]

  go in such a way that it crushes me or [TS]

  mangles me and it is already mad at me [TS]

  because I've ruined it I've wrecked it [TS]

  hmm but you know it's not it's not [TS]

  vindictive anyway as far as I could tell [TS]

  I came to rest on the inside of the [TS]

  opposite curve where the road turned [TS]

  back around the other side of the cow [TS]

  and continued again then in the exact [TS]

  same direction straight along and here [TS]

  came that car still because it was lucky [TS]

  ten miles away and I did not need to [TS]

  have turned my brights down [TS]

  if I had my brights still on I maybe [TS]

  would have had time to correct I don't [TS]

  know I was a bad motorcyclist let's be [TS]

  honest I was a dumb teenager what the [TS]

  hell was I even doing in Kansas did the [TS]

  car stop help you so I then I was I was [TS]

  pretty trashed but I was able to like [TS]

  kind of claw my way up to the road the [TS]

  car did slow down because I was like now [TS]

  I was on the shoulder kind of with one [TS]

  arm in the air like nope motorcycle [TS]

  helmet still on oh goodness you were in [TS]

  the helmet oh yeah well it was the 80s [TS]

  but and when I first got the motorcycle [TS]

  I didn't have a helmet it was like who [TS]

  needs a helmet [TS]

  I'm free in the wind whoo and then a [TS]

  like a poisonous dragonfly wasp bird hit [TS]

  me square in the face at 70 miles an [TS]

  hour and oh the carnage like all those [TS]

  great scenes of like like Harley dudes [TS]

  out riding in the wind this is like a [TS]

  Fabio on a roller coaster type situation [TS]

  Fabio on a roller coaster Fabio's on a [TS]

  rollercoaster or fucking bird hit him in [TS]

  the face and gave him a bloody nose no I [TS]

  didn't know that story was it I'm [TS]

  totally unclear about your vernacular [TS]

  here was it was it more of an insect or [TS]

  a bird or somewhere in between [TS]

  I think it was a bird sized insect [TS]

  almost knocked me off the motorcycle and [TS]

  I realized then there's another reason [TS]

  to have a helmet besides just being a [TS]

  scaredy-cat girly man and it is because [TS]

  there are things flying in the air and [TS]

  if they hit you you are you are square [TS]

  fucked this almost took me off the bike [TS]

  man little did I realize that later on I [TS]

  had so many great experiences on this [TS]

  motorcycle before I crashed it later on [TS]

  a wasp I'm screaming across the across [TS]

  our great land of America a wasp went up [TS]

  inside the helmet oh no no no the calls [TS]

  coming from inside the helmet hit me on [TS]

  the chest and then went up and stung me [TS]

  on the face Oh No lamp it on my face [TS]

  like 1984 what a nightmare so bad I'm [TS]

  trying to stop the motorcycle pulling [TS]

  off to the side of the road strutting in [TS]

  the dirt meanwhile just this walk just [TS]

  like that's right on my face [TS]

  throw that helmet off and I'm fucked you [TS]

  know I'm fucked I just got stung 20 [TS]

  times on my face and I'm like so I mean [TS]

  it sounds like you are but let's be [TS]

  honest you are somewhat culpable in your [TS]

  motorcycle adventures but so far [TS]

  the real provocateur appears to be roads [TS]

  and animals you got the cows [TS]

  you got the wasp you've got the the [TS]

  flying shit bird mm-hmm right it sounds [TS]

  like it sounds like you're you would do [TS]

  fine in a universe where you just didn't [TS]

  have to you could be on a motorcycle I [TS]

  didn't have to deal with animals in [TS]

  particular animals or their consequences [TS]

  well I mean for years as a child and [TS]

  into teenage hood I would find old [TS]

  copies of Easy Rider Magazine and in the [TS]

  wind and all these because biker culture [TS]

  was a big part of the 70s young people [TS]

  can't understand how big biker culture [TS]

  was biker biker culture was the the like [TS]

  seedy uncle of CB culture and CB culture [TS]

  was the seedy uncle of country music and [TS]

  country music is the seedy uncle of [TS]

  popular culture right in popular culture [TS]

  father of the Internet there's a good [TS]

  medium post waiting in here somewhere I [TS]

  think yes hello which will which which [TS]

  I'll talk this also weirdly hooks up [TS]

  with your conspiracy theory guy thing [TS]

  from back in the time when there were [TS]

  nonpartisan conspiracy theories because [TS]

  it wasn't about which side of the [TS]

  notional aisle somebody was on it was [TS]

  more like how do you understand the way [TS]

  the power differentials work and so the [TS]

  thing was I my sense of at first of I [TS]

  agree with you like there was just there [TS]

  was so much like motorcycle gang ish [TS]

  culture motorcycle club ish culture [TS]

  around but see now what do you call that [TS]

  is that conservative is that liberal [TS]

  well it's is it libertarian well it's [TS]

  kind of a little bit of all those things [TS]

  it's like you know we want to be free we [TS]

  want to be free to ride yeah we're gonna [TS]

  be free to without getting hassled by [TS]

  the man yeah that's right [TS]

  yes right you need to at the time it [TS]

  felt like oh it's liberal because [TS]

  conservativism is something that belongs [TS]

  to Richard Nixon and so we grow our hair [TS]

  long we drink beer and we party and [TS]

  we're rowdy but now the the sweet the [TS]

  whole game has flipped and now like that [TS]

  is that those are the signals of [TS]

  conservativism right we're just fuck all [TS]

  you all you downtown [TS]

  the feet college people were like [TS]

  motorcycle here's one for you is like [TS]

  are you okay with somebody telling you [TS]

  what the rules are and that you must [TS]

  follow them and depending on what decade [TS]

  and what side that's a very interesting [TS]

  thing well you know actually in a lot of [TS]

  cases you know I'm not okay with [TS]

  somebody telling me what the rules are [TS]

  and and then demanding that I do it well [TS]

  everybody's a rebel now is the thing [TS]

  that's true in it and he used to be that [TS]

  there were some people that were like [TS]

  I'm not a rebel but you know who are you [TS]

  gonna find now that says that are not a [TS]

  rebel it's true but but so I would read [TS]

  these magazines and it was like those [TS]

  people seem like they're having fun [TS]

  first of all they're wearing bell-bottom [TS]

  jeans a lot of them don't have shirts on [TS]

  and that doesn't matter it doesn't [TS]

  matter whether you're in shape or not [TS]

  and it doesn't matter whether you're a [TS]

  girl or boy or or or a third option you [TS]

  don't have a shirt on because motorcycle [TS]

  and people are doing they're having camp [TS]

  outs they're driving motorcycles in the [TS]

  dirt they're doing pop wheelies they're [TS]

  they also have like like dodge vans that [TS]

  have pony kegs in them talking about [TS]

  being a little kid and just I'm just [TS]

  pulling this out of the air but like [TS]

  you're a little kid and how's your day [TS]

  start your day starts with you walk in [TS]

  the snow a little bit yeah to get on a [TS]

  school bus it takes you to school where [TS]

  you follow rules all day there is no [TS]

  part of that that does not seem greatly [TS]

  improved by being in a motorcycle gang [TS]

  first of all you got a nicer climate [TS]

  better weather you need a shirt you're [TS]

  probably in Virginia or you're in [TS]

  Alabama think about how many bikers were [TS]

  born out of school buses but you have to [TS]

  go sit in this area and not make noise [TS]

  where you go somewhere to follow rules [TS]

  all day no thank you [TS]

  oh you know what that you know what it [TS]

  was it was the kid in Bad News Bears [TS]

  oh of course Jackie Earle Haley yeah [TS]

  rusha General Harry Harry sure [TS]

  Henderson's that's right he his whole [TS]

  like dirt bike thing where he came over [TS]

  and and tore up the baseball field and [TS]

  then he was the one that was like I'll [TS]

  play pool and if you win he if you if [TS]

  you win [TS]

  I'll join the baseball team and if I win [TS]

  I get to do whatever ya wink-wink [TS]

  nudge-nudge yeah and then he won and got [TS]

  to do whatever which was which happened [TS]

  off screen but then joined the baseball [TS]

  team anyway I mean he was he could hit [TS]

  it out of the park that influenced the [TS]

  eight-year-old me a lot too about the [TS]

  power of motorcycles in the freedom that [TS]

  that entails anyway I started wearing a [TS]

  helmet because I realized that that you [TS]

  can hit you can get hit in the face and [TS]

  then once the wasp got in there it was [TS]

  too late to not wear the helmet so I [TS]

  survived and I flagged down the car [TS]

  laying on the side of the road and the [TS]

  car pulls up this is the middle of the [TS]

  night in Kansas and the driver rolls [TS]

  their window down one and a half inches [TS]

  and says you all right and you know the [TS]

  motorcycle is like smoking one turn [TS]

  signal on the motor if you're adjacent [TS]

  to a motorcycle accident and the person [TS]

  is not on the motorcycle anymore and [TS]

  that's all you need to know yeah but if [TS]

  they are okay like roll your window all [TS]

  the way down like a gentleman yeah [TS]

  and so I struggled to get my helmet off [TS]

  and I said no help you know and they [TS]

  said some version of okay wait here roll [TS]

  their window up and drove off into the [TS]

  night did they send help well so I lay [TS]

  there in the dark with the with the [TS]

  blinker going deep on this motorcycle it [TS]

  was too far away to reach you know and [TS]

  my my leg is mangled I have a mangled [TS]

  leg Oh God which if you'd like to come [TS]

  over I could I could play you all the [TS]

  notes that that leg is capable of [TS]

  playing even still it's kind of like it [TS]

  was a string instrument you're telling [TS]

  me it's a percussion instrument no it's [TS]

  a doctor rhythm machine or whatever like [TS]

  that's it spits if I do mr. Bojangles [TS]

  that leg [TS]

  who does all the work that is a [TS]

  disturbing image subway start playing [TS]

  your leg it sounds like I'm putting [TS]

  dried corn into a paper shredder in the [TS]

  middle distance of some long long [TS]

  indeterminate time I see the rotating [TS]

  lights the emergency lights and then [TS]

  little by little I hear I don't know if [TS]

  you've ever been rescued by an ambulance [TS]

  that you can see coming for 15 minutes [TS]

  nothing I remember by that it made you [TS]

  feel pretty good you think I hope that's [TS]

  for me well I'm pretty sure it is right [TS]

  as it gets closer and closer I'm like [TS]

  because there's no other car on the road [TS]

  for a half an hour [TS]

  like I bet that's coming for me that [TS]

  person in the car that didn't appear to [TS]

  be very helpful at all did go somewhere [TS]

  he said this 1986 86 so what you're not [TS]

  talking about any kind of Skynet is [TS]

  gonna be able to see you insane I [TS]

  watched a cow circle like this there's [TS]

  gonna have to be somebody who intervened [TS]

  at some point this guy drove to what was [TS]

  probably a closed store at a crossroads [TS]

  got out put a quarter in tonight we [TS]

  didn't have 9-1-1 yet [TS]

  well one of the early days of 9-1-1 but [TS]

  it was not there was no guarantee that [TS]

  would be everywhere he probably had to [TS]

  spend a quarter [TS]

  yeah maybe quarter a dime called [TS]

  somebody hey it's Jim out here at the [TS]

  crossroads oh how you doing all pretty [TS]

  good well say so why are you calling [TS]

  well I just passed a young feller out [TS]

  there on highway 40 outside of Oakley [TS]

  seems like he could use a little help oh [TS]

  really [TS]

  one of those conversations sounds like [TS]

  the being of a terrible season of Fargo [TS]

  that's exactly what it is [TS]

  and so here comes this ambulance and [TS]

  they pull up and they jump out they're [TS]

  very activated and they come over and [TS]

  they talked to me and they roll me over [TS]

  and they take their big scissors and [TS]

  they cut my pants off and they cut my [TS]

  boots off [TS]

  that's some serious scissors with their [TS]

  scissors I know like Oh goodbye boots [TS]

  kou Zhong's and I'm like wow but they [TS]

  look at me and they go and they you get [TS]

  the aid car people like it was a guy in [TS]

  a gal I guess and they both like they [TS]

  went at me right away like work work [TS]

  work work work and then when they got [TS]

  the boo and they got me all cut apart [TS]

  and they looked at me you could see them [TS]

  both sit back on their heels like relax [TS]

  and both go like they were braced for [TS]

  something much worse yes and I said you [TS]

  know I'm okay and they the gal who was [TS]

  driving said you know when we get a [TS]

  phone call that says motorcycle wreck [TS]

  out on the highway yeah you don't want [TS]

  to know what we usually see so you're [TS]

  gonna bring a snow shovel and make a [TS]

  phone call yeah [TS]

  and we you know we got out and we could [TS]

  see you were moving and that was that at [TS]

  first was both good and bad cuz it means [TS]

  that this could be really really bad we [TS]

  could sit here with you on the side of [TS]

  the road and watch you die which is not [TS]

  very funny either but you're fine they [TS]

  can be home watching dynasty like [TS]

  they're like no no you're fine don't [TS]

  worry whatever it is if your leg is [TS]

  broken in 40 pieces you're fine that [TS]

  makes me feel better and we had a jolly [TS]

  old ride into the local whatever that [TS]

  didn't wasn't a hospital wasn't I think [TS]

  it qualified maybe as an aid station [TS]

  there was something I quonset having a [TS]

  gomer pyle building it was something you [TS]

  know something where each room we went [TS]

  into somebody had to turn the lights on [TS]

  like oh here we go [TS]

  turn the lights on so there was somebody [TS]

  you know somebody going ahead turning [TS]

  the lights on in the different rooms and [TS]

  yeah that was the that was my that was [TS]

  the that was the that was what I learned [TS]

  that the aliens were controlling our [TS]

  government hmm did you ever drive a [TS]

  motorcycle after that yes really you got [TS]

  back on the horse a little bit scary [TS]

  I'd beheld the bat pale horse I wanted [TS]

  and I wanted and want still to be a [TS]

  motorcyclist because I like being on [TS]

  motorcycle clear it's wonderful and I [TS]

  like the accoutrements of motorcycle [TS]

  life and culture I like the I still like [TS]

  the freedom of it you know in a way my [TS]

  GMC RV was just a big old man's [TS]

  motorcycle interesting you know it had [TS]

  all the motorcycle qualities like here's [TS]

  a beer as a gas-powered carbureted you [TS]

  think about people they buy those those [TS]

  big motorcycles that have three wheels [TS]

  and like a like a soft-serve machine on [TS]

  yeah I mean technically that's a [TS]

  motorcycle but it's really more like a [TS]

  small van that happens to not have any [TS]

  kind of an enclosure you remember the [TS]

  ones in the 70s that had a gas tank made [TS]

  out of a pony keg and they were they had [TS]

  more fiberglass on him it's safe John I [TS]

  don't think safety is what you're [TS]

  thinking about a lot of those had [TS]

  Volkswagen motors I think I've even seen [TS]

  a tricycle motorcycle that had a Chevy [TS]

  350 it's a it's part of a customization [TS]

  culture it's part of a build it machine [TS]

  culture it's part of you know that's [TS]

  very show off II motorcycle culture is [TS]

  very there's a lot of peacocking mmm-hmm [TS]

  which I'm also like I like peacocking [TS]

  sure but there is also a thing that I [TS]

  have to know I have to acknowledge about [TS]

  myself which is that I do not have good [TS]

  judgment and and that has not really [TS]

  plagued me my whole life it's been [TS]

  wonderful listen [TS]

  bad judgment is wonderful in most cases [TS]

  but it is it is [TS]

  like a counter indication of motorcycle [TS]

  ownership and I don't think that's true [TS]

  in the past a lot of people with bad [TS]

  judgment of own motorcycles but in my [TS]

  case it just you know it's like the the [TS]

  chance that I will try and thread a [TS]

  needle that cannot be threaded hi this [TS]

  is a politically fraught discussion but [TS]

  I think that there are some kinds of [TS]

  things devices that become bad judgment [TS]

  multipliers [TS]

  well yeah it's difficult to see when it [TS]

  is functioning as a good judgment [TS]

  multiplier because it's so much easier [TS]

  to see when it's a bad judgment [TS]

  multiplier right all the fun all the fun [TS]

  that I could have out on the salt flats [TS]

  or like rolling around in Venice [TS]

  California with the motorcycle that I [TS]

  work on all afternoon [TS]

  like in Seattle in a rainy hilly town [TS]

  not that great but you've also seen and [TS]

  our and our listeners have to like how [TS]

  much trouble I can get into just with a [TS]

  ladder and a rusty hatchet yeah there's [TS]

  not even a motor involved I mean right [TS]

  yeah I don't need much like to coat [TS]

  hangers and some Elmer's glue and I [TS]

  could get myself in the hospital maybe [TS]

  you should get a hatchet it's not rusty [TS]

  if I if that hatchet wasn't rusty I [TS]

  wouldn't be here today hmm [TS]

  it was the rust that saved me that's not [TS]

  the first time I've said that either [TS]

  mm-hmm [TS]

  [Applause] [TS]

  glad you made it here I am [TS]