Roderick on the Line

Ep. 232: “The Going-With Years”


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  hello hi John hi Marilyn

  how's it going mm come a little bit sick

  yeah you have a sore throat right yeah

  but now it's not a sort of wheaton oh

  the chocolate croissant

  okay he's gone dolorous i'm a little

  dollar at all don't be dolorous come on

  you know it's a little bit everything

  you know

  no no no no dollar oh I spy was up very

  late last night hmm

  it's a long story so the day before this

  is the place for a long story

  this is the home you look forward to

  this this is this is your eyes is your

  life raft

  it's a long story place pine em so I

  years ago when i moved into my house the

  people that had fixed it up

  I've talked about this they did it did a

  terrible job

  yeah maybe something they made some

  pretty weird decisions that did not have

  the long view in mind

  that's right yeah they didn't think to

  put in a monk hole but maybe some weird

  like recessed lighting or something like


  there's no fireman's pole oh come on

  yeah how about your bookshelves mean

  when you move your bookshelf for you you

  pull back the head on your Shakespeare

  their switches is there anything that

  that affords you uh an unseen location

  in the house

  not a one how do not put that at the top

  of the way but that's not true there are

  two hidden doors but here's the thing if

  you're if you're gonna I mean if you're

  gonna make changes to your house you

  really should begin by making sure that

  you have cool hidden panels doorways and

  tunnels that it's not everything you do

  after that the wiring the plumbing where

  you put the new half bath it's all gonna

  be governed by where the corridors are

  because you got new corridors now Percy

  small huh

  when you that's one of the things that

  infuriates me the most about quantum of

  solace or whatever the fuck that movie

  was mr. my colon yeah where they've got

  their he's got this beautiful house in

  the middle of nowhere and he's got this

  amazing escape

  a tunnel next to the fireplace and it

  goes down in with this amazing warren of

  escape rooms and then its never fully

  covered in the movie but you go out a

  tunnel and then it just sort of appears

  in the yard and there's no like it

  because it's like a big field for ya

  easily spotted well that yeah right it

  doesn't go

  it just goes out into the septic field

  but also it's never clear in the movie

  like they never show the last hundred

  yards like you get down they there's a

  scene where they go down and then there

  in the very night the the what it looks

  like the basement

  yeah and then the next shot is a bit of

  a of them or him for poking his head up

  out of the grass like a like a good

  grass or is it a shed I might be

  completing this with another movie I

  don't think there's a shed I think he

  just pops up in the middle of the grass

  is really poorly thought out but there's

  no door or anything there's no you know

  that's a hundred yards or more 300 yards

  he's really out there in the yard right

  it's a long way to go and and my

  question is obviously is that whole is

  that whole distance like a like a stone

  lined quarter that you can stand up in

  and then you get to the end and they're

  just like a little it's like you push

  some grass a party it was like a matter

  of yes it feels like a metaphor you put

  all this care into the tunnel that

  didn't need to be that nice and the end

  we ended you could at least have like

  say like a look at you get Hogan's

  Heroes where where like the dog in the

  dog house goes up ahead

  Boop mi been labelled LeBeau see your

  god that's a really good point if you

  did it all go

  yeah or a well or a chapel or some other

  thing that you pop out you don't just

  pop out in the graph somewhere an easy


  yeah exactly you know the snipers

  pointed at the house all the sniper has

  to do is just turn hundred eighty

  degrees right

  anyway so that so my house was equipped

  with what is described at the hardware

  store as decorator switches which are

  switches light switches that are both

  ugly and unusable

  ok they don't look like white switches

  they look like something else and there

  they were dimmer switches just like the

  Stella we got the theater lighting


  mhm those are very satisfying hit no the

  world they don't the thing is these

  don't even have a clique because they

  are touch-sensitive yeah so you put your

  hand on it and you roll your fingers up

  at like you're on some kind of like

  you're playing an eighties keyboard and

  you have like a sensitivity string a

  four-dimensional switch

  yeah it's like it there but they don't

  work so you walk in the house and you're

  like lights on and the lights like they

  sometimes don't respond to your touch

  they sometimes respect you know they

  sometimes go all the way on and then all

  the way off immediately like a beautiful

  woman that's so frustrating jen well so

  when I first moved in I was like this

  will not stand and I took two of them

  out and i put in

  normal what what are they look like

  lights which is normal like looking

  switches but they are dimmers right so

  you move the little lever instead of

  going flick and the light is on you move

  the little lever and the light goes off

  i thought that was a good you know like

  a nice balance

  dimmers have their place and I found a

  thousand-watt switches which wow big

  switches at the time with these dinners

  on them and I put them in

  well the other day that was ten years

  ago when I bought this house the other

  day I walked in the kitchen i turned the

  dimmer down almost all the way to the

  bottom and the switch went

  oh no and I was like 20 no so I set

  their monkey with it

  can I get it to do it again you know

  that's the number one thing you do when

  you get to replicate the air

  yeah and yes you can get it to do it


  in fact it every time now and so and

  then the room smelled with the smell of

  smoke like that smell in the nineteen

  seventies when you put too much ice in a

  blender boy

  oh you get there look at that engine

  working hard smell I don't like that so

  no it's bad it's really bad when it's

  coming from your light switches yes so I

  said this is a bad this is particularly

  bad because the dimmer is the thing that

  you're gonna you're gonna put all the

  way down and somebody's going to do it

  and walk away and this thing is going to

  be sitting there shorting that's going

  to start firing the wall so I was like I

  gotta do something about this

  immediately i'm sick i don't want to do

  anything it's cold i went to the

  hardware store they don't sell thousand

  watts which is anymore

  the guy at the hardware store was like

  what there's never been such a thing as

  they always do at a hardware store where

  did you get these alternate fax them

  that's right and I'm like I bottom here

  at this very hardware store 10 years ago

  oh wow 10 years ago

  yeah 10 years itself what's the life

  expectancy on these things if this look

  at me and can remember things I

  supposedly but yeah yeah that's right

  i'm mr. 10 years ago

  ok anyway so i bought some new switches

  and then I figured you know what I'm

  just gonna change all the switches in

  the house because that's the kind of

  thinker i am well you're thinking big

  big scale here it is

  BYE MOM mass so i bought a bunch of

  switches and then I'm sitting in the

  house to change in all these switches

  and I'm a little bit of a you know I'm

  little lackadaisical so so I'm i made an

  error one point and I caused because

  some parking

  no it's not good so I'm sorry I should

  have asked you this earlier there's all

  kinds of things in my house that I keep

  meaning to fix and a lot of my put off

  because they only got to shut off the

  power before i do anything that is your

  power off while your monkey in with the

  the arcing switches yeah the powers off

  but I turned I went down like I had I

  had things wired and I was like I should

  go down turn power on and test that

  everything works but I hadn't zip them

  back i hadn't slipped them all back into

  the wall and a couple of things were

  hanging out of the wall and they touched

  one another and ground themselves out

  stupid rookie mistake but in the course

  of it I'll i fried one of my new parts

  so i had to go back to the part where

  store God dignity is one of these days I

  mean I didn't have to tell them what I

  done but it was just like oh yeah it

  turns out i need another one of these

  yeah i was so good this one more of them


  yeah so I got them all in the house it

  works a lot better I / 10 years I've

  been living with these switches that I

  just hated everybody hated them

  it was like coming into my house and

  turning on the lights was not just an

  intelligence test but it was an

  intelligence test that you that give you

  a different route result every time a


  yeah so people would come in and maybe

  you know they reach out to the light

  switch I think a lot a lot of the people

  that would you know guests in my home

  would just leave the lights off because

  they didn't wanna they didn't even want

  to deal with the interface but now I

  have normal-looking switches that do

  normal replicable things nothing

  shorting out but in the process of

  fixing this

  I had the doors of the house open both

  front and back door because i'm running

  in and out

  and then a late at night because I i'm

  up late right now these days

  oh I'm lying in bed and a mouse runs by

  oh no i've never had a mouse in my hand

  it's cold outside right now it's cold

  outside so the mouse says I come in here

  mhm left the back door open and the

  mouse is like super cool and so I've

  just I've just created a whole other

  problem never had a map I mean you know

  there's mice and then there's my

  surround these toys in the attic

  yeah but I never a mouse in the house so

  now now I've got like hopefully a mouse

  it's probably our mouse bounty and grace

  probably a ranger and explorer you know

  he said some sense of boys out to go

  like check things out this is good place

  to have some ice and ice

  mhm get in there check it out come back

  and tell us and then I closed the door

  and he was like huh who

  but I you know I mean a mouse can get a

  mouse can get out

  so you're already up late already might

  have liked but didn't either the mouse

  kind of compounded the yeah i'm laying

  around and thinking about this mouse

  instead of instead of sleeping anyway so

  that's where i'm at that God is still in

  there as far as you know as well yeah I

  mean I didn't tell him to leave

  yeah i think i have to dispatch him

  yeah I I don't like the trend Beyonce if

  I had my druthers I would even have

  power windows in a car because in my

  head I know this is 30 40 year old

  information but power windows to me

  where we met and talked about this what

  if you go into a river was going to a

  river shirt need now you need a special

  tool to not die in a car

  yeah you need the window breaking to it

  makes it makes the doors very heavy

  because you have to have an engine

  another you have to have and in engines

  in your doors to make the windows go up

  and down engines on your door engines in

  the doors and I

  aim not loving that also you know it's

  another one of these things in this this

  was before cars got good they're all

  these problems were like the rich guy

  stuff that you would put in a rich guy


  we're all pretty consistently the stuff

  that broke first yep it's so like if you

  have an AC delco am/fm radio in your GM

  car you know if you still have that car

  I better than one part that still works

  is the am FM radio with the chunk

  buttons on any blow it out to program it

  and program it

  fuck you you're pulling out to set it

  chunk chunk you listen to Q 105 it Tunes

  perfectly flawlessly every time that

  doesn't sound great but you know what

  you're 50 year old radios probably still

  working fine

  the at least one window on a car would

  usually break it was still be heavy but

  now you didn't have a window that worked

  yeah you know all that kind of stuff

  used to just like even to this day like

  our last car we had had manual windows

  we had the least costly version of our

  particular model of car that was

  available and it was fine

  yeah it was totally fine but then you

  get into your house and their stuff but

  there's a trick it's keeped I don't like

  the stuff where it's cute to turn a

  light on or off

  you don't have a you don't have a nest I

  don't have a nest my house is too old

  for nest i do have a lot of smart lights

  i won't take you down this particular k

  hole but IMA heartlight yeah we could

  get into it

  we're just just like let's not go all

  the way down the k-hole let's just dip

  into the cable duct tape a little

  alright what is a smart like I just want

  to get I want to get one thing out cuz

  it's on my mind I'm gonna get because

  you have two bits of related stuff here

  that are totally unrelated and yet

  completely related imma let you finish

  thank you thank you up your Kanye in

  that case that was economy around we

  struggle with mornings sometimes

  oh yes I don't think we are unique in

  this regard we struggled with a

  multivariate struggle with mornings

  there are many small things about

  mornings they're difficult the primary

  driver of a morning being tough is that

  we have a kid who has to be at school at

  a certain time and ideally she will have

  food with her

  ok for lunch she has to have homework in

  the backpack

  she has to not have like hermione

  granger hair like she's got like look

  presentable she's got to be clean

  she has to have brush teeth and I'm

  sorry I'm gonna bring it up again she's

  got it she's got your shoes

  there's a lot to do it sounds like well

  you know an hour she like it would be

  enough time but I don't know if you

  struggle with this shoot socks and shoes

  are where it all falls apart

  ok I feel like again I I'm okay I'm just

  gonna say this i really feel like the

  whole thing needed to move to earlier

  all adjustments we need to add 20 to 30

  minutes in front of everything because

  as a retired project manager I'm sure to

  tell you there are many things that are

  not being accounted for and there are

  enough things that aren't accounted for

  that by the time you get the shoes and

  socks everyone's crying so you're saying

  you need to wake up a half hour earlier

  lots we've done we've got a whole thing

  this is relates to to your light switch

  problem and then I'm about to make an

  analogy about my child being like a

  theater lighting light switch but also

  to do is sleep because i started going

  to bed earlier in order to get up

  earlier in order to be more helpful in

  the morning and to not just be the

  person assistant whatever you know you

  guys should really do this earlier like

  how much you fucking help out so I'm

  trying to help out more

  earlier to cascading chain and I feel

  like I'm gonna see I'm the only one that

  understands this but i feel like if i

  have this knowledge in my bones in a way

  that my daughter does not which is that

  like if you don't go to bed earlier if

  you keep reading Lemony Snicket until

  ten o'clock like god bless you how do

  you tell you to stop reading

  I mean how do you tell you to stop

  reading Lemony Snicket and you know yeah

  absolutely it's you know it that's my

  dream my I you know I'm I I wouldn't get

  fuck all with how it turned out if she's

  healthy great if she learns to like

  music and likes reading i'm done i'm

  ready to retire but that's all i care

  about is wanting to read it's like a one

  of my very few like super selfish things

  is I hope my kid likes to read and

  that's all she likes to do is read which

  is great so you know I don't be that guy

  but if you go to bed at ten and you're

  gonna be getting up at six anymore

  because you're a kid and you need more

  sleep and it means you get up and you're

  tired and now the toast is getting

  pushed out later the toast pushes out

  the reading because she's got read in

  the morning before school she pushes

  that out and we're pushing pushing

  pushing pushing said

  these four minutes until like we're at

  the drop-dead leave the house time and

  that's when the hair brushing and

  toothbrush because now comes the tears

  and as I said to her today I've been

  cleverly put clock on her

  I'm better we gave her a watch i

  purchased three new clocks for the house

  because it's going to be all about

  clocks you know i'm i'm turning into

  kind of a martinet about this clocks and

  watches clocks and watches and so I said

  to her I says I say look you know it's

  mom and I are here to be your helpful

  assistance but a point you need to

  become more cognizant about how the time


  yeah it sounds like the the mornings in

  your house we're going to be like the

  beginning of a pink floyd song and not

  now look at it and now i'm going crazy

  person because i'm running around going

  okay guess what time it is right now

  because I on 705 lat 712 means you need

  to be out the door with shoes and socks


  you know in this many minutes yeah

  you're seven minutes behind already so

  i'm already a crazy person on the other

  one thing is over and it's up against is

  728 worried about 720 more here come

  more tears and so we had a we had a so

  we've recently implemented something new

  which is everybody tries to go to bed

  earlier everybody gets up earlier dad's

  helping more in the morning which I'm

  happy to do I mean happy to do but which

  I think it's important to do but now

  we've gotten into this thing where like

  now I'm doing post mortem suppose morta

  with her oh wow you're you're talking

  about talking about it after school now

  oh no this is like this is like this is

  like what went wrong with the with the

  mercury launch like everything ok with

  going to school or do you do it like we

  have like eight hours later the insane

  part is like you know we she has friends

  who live outside of town that like it

  takes them 20 25 minutes without saying

  too much i will just say that we are

  very close to our daughter school we can

  walk there at a pace that will not have

  us out of breath in less than 10 minutes

  it's manic there's no reason to ever be

  late for school but because it takes so

  little time to walk to school you can

  guess what happens

  sure you push it to the limit you get a

  little loosey-goosey ok so here's me

  this morning this is my mercury mercury

  of this morning with my daughter I said

  you know what we didn't count for I said

  we didn't account for socks and that's

  how we lost yesterday we were out at

  seven-thirty to it

  730 now everything is the Sox the

  difference between seven-thirty and 732

  is all the difference in the world did

  you get that first but you didn't get

  out and we got the new program we're not

  getting out for not out at seven-thirty

  we have failed mercury is down

  yeah okay this is the you know we went

  and saw the hidden figures we both love

  this movie so you know we're talking a

  lot about john kennedy and astronauts

  and stuff and anyway everything every

  family should talk about that especially

  in the morning so today I felt kind of

  predict this morning but I was really

  like i was i was really heavy on the

  clock she's got a new watch on showing

  how the lightworks can get very excited

  to wear watch the school and and so you

  know i'm walking around in my underpants

  yeah but how many minutes after seven if

  it so on the one hand i'm really tired

  cuz i got five hours of sleep because

  the new program is slow to launch but

  here's the other thing about your lights

  which is that the difference between a

  traditional light switch and what you

  had in your house is the difference

  between your life before a child and

  your life with a child it used to be you

  could say for no particular reason i

  feel it's it's 1152 p.m. and i feel like

  walking to a light post five blocks from


  whatever that matter you won't leave the

  house you leave the house

  sure if you want to pour a bucket of

  Gatorade on your head you can just go do

  that right now belong you just you just

  you grab your keys in your wallet you

  may be put on some pants bathrobe you

  walk out and you just go and you you're

  going to come anytime you feel like it

  you just you just move around and then

  you get to be like John's light switch

  where it's like I honestly don't know I

  cannot tell you within Swiss certainty i

  can tell you within certainty more than

  plus or minus 20 minutes when we will be

  able to do anything because there are so

  many unknown factors and when you're

  running your goddamn finger along that

  lady light switch and try to make it

  light up

  same thing the same feeling in this case

  we didn't account for socks

  you should not have to deliberate about

  how long it will take for your lights to

  come on I've accepted my happy lot in

  life is that I have to account for socks

  and minutes but you do kinda pine for

  the days when you could just walk to a

  light post

  well I have my way of dealing with this

  Merlin is a very simple hack that i've

  been using my whole life which is that

  every clock in my house is 11 minutes

  fast but who who was that Vince Lombardi

  did that right already famously set all

  of his clocks and watches 15 minutes


  well 15 minutes is too easy because you

  used to be a prime number

  yeah you get a job at 15 minutes but 11

  minutes you forget that it's there 11

  minutes is just this like number that's

  very hard for people to throw to just be

  like oh it's burp

  oh you know roundup you round up way too

  easy yeah so a and you know and I change

  the amount that the clocks are off at

  this was going to be my hack on your

  hack yeah the way that really work is

  they're all fast but they're all fast a

  little different yeah and some sometimes

  at seven sometimes it's 12 and if you

  don't have mpr on you're not going to

  know when they're wrong

  that's right you and your screws the

  whole thing out we'll see and I don't

  have a PR hmm and so everybody's just

  looking at clocks and I'm and I just I

  just take the clock at its word and

  generally were in the car driving and i

  passed some some clock that a business

  has thoughtfully put up starts visible

  from the freeway

  yeah I'm like whoa we are plenty of

  times but i feel myself every morning

  it's like every morning I go Oh check it

  out again I never I never remember it

  because I intentionally don't remember

  it but if she's wearing a watch to

  school now

  now you've given her some kind of like

  connection that she can take into the

  world right watch can't be wrong but

  she's going to be measuring it against

  the school of washer

  yeah that's true she's not going to sit

  there in the house and be like oh I

  believe the house clocks she's gonna go

  rain watch

  oh there's one thing about this watch

  though oh my god this is not a precision

  timepieces John this is something I got

  off amazon for thirteen dollars and you

  know it's amazing what kind of watching

  it for thirteen dollars for a kid today

  but there is first of all like all

  most all digital that's an analog and

  digital watch

  it's got like it's a chronograph like

  many of these you get the modal buttons

  for setting things and there's many

  things to set you ready for this though

  I'm not even like a super OCD guy but

  this this is already driving both of us

  nuts like one hour and having this watch

  this is driving her nuts which is the

  the you set the time on the analog and

  the digital separately so gentle and

  neither of them is necessarily correct

  your they're both manually set so you

  get the watch and take out the box you

  put it on you say okay what time is it

  718 okay well you set the the analog 2

  718 well and then you gotta go and set

  the digital by the time you set the

  digital the 718 its already seven

  nineteen and then sweep second hand is

  not matching up with the second you

  gotta do this separately so the whole

  time she points out this morning the

  second hands aren't the same on these

  and I don't know what to say

  I think it's a $13 chronograph it's not

  it's not it's not a it's not a Rolex but

  that would drive me nuts all day at

  school I'd be looking at the second hand

  on the clock

  the second-hand sweep second hand on the

  watch I be looking at the digital

  seconds and I'd be thinking what fresh

  hell is this

  yeah what time is it really John there's

  a clock that i bought for one of the

  rooms of the house that i liked the look

  of it you know it looked like one of

  those old-fashioned diner clocks I would

  kill for that has been banned from our

  house and I want one so much why is it

  ain't tex oh my goodness the aesthetics

  are unbeautiful I have so much to say

  about the see this is one last thing

  about this because this is this is only

  for us notice must never get back to my


  okay i have pointed out to my partner

  that we need to have a clock in the area

  where the drama begins having clocks in

  other places has not been working there

  needs to be a clock in our face at the

  place where the tears happen now my

  preference for that would be to get a

  diner clock like an old-school kitchen

  clock a school clock you put it here by

  the pictures in the hallway but you know

  what i understand that is not

  aesthetically pleasing

  I would i want the largest conceivable

  clock that will fit in that area

  and I wanted to hang over my daughter

  like the dark mark III want this to be

  something she cannot avoid seeing now

  I'm capitulating buying three about

  three different clocks from this one and

  I'm gonna let my wife pick which one she

  thinks is his least odious but she she

  has strong opinions about the about the

  vibe that a clock in parts to a room

  yeah that she's right if we put it next

  to all the framed pictures of people

  it's gonna look weird but always got

  lots of pictures of the family like it's

  a nice little area that's very homey and

  I'm trying to turn it into like a

  commissary or something by putting a

  giant clock on the wall and I get why

  she doesn't want to do that when I just

  feel like I feel like we need something

  we need a very large very intimidating

  tik-tok actually literally makes the

  noise tick tock clock

  well here's what's crazy about this one

  that i bought yeah i bought it i brought

  it home and I I and I knew when I got it

  that it was not I could go down to the

  salvage yard and find some clock from an

  old school and and should have done but

  I was at some you know is that some

  store and I saw this thing and I'm

  excuse me and it was not expensive and i

  said yeah you know throw a couple of

  dollars at this great brought it home

  and there was a sin it's battery-powered

  and there was a separate battery for the

  little hand

  whoa that was like very very troubling

  to me

  well you absolutely right is a lot of

  reasons that bothers me

  well here's the number one reason the

  only reason really is that the operation

  of the little hand does not bear on my

  keeping God you have two clocks and

  neither of them may be right

  so that's a recipe for madness yeah the

  little hand is just he's been around

  these artisans are some seconds mostly

  yeah this is what second look like but

  the clock itself is like tick tick like

  it's just on its own and I'm and I so

  every time I look at the clock I'm like

  he's so weird

  mmm this is you are living a lie clock

  and but I'm kind of you know i like them

  like what it does to the room it really

  ties the room together you able to put

  it out of your mind that did you have to

  clock in a clock because the clock is in

  an adjacent space it's not a regular

  space i don't i don't refer to this

  clock the clock is visible from the

  guest bed so it's really a o'clock for

  the benefit of guests and i'm already

  fucking with them because it's 11

  minutes fast so the second is sort of

  rounding on a second and it's just like

  if you want to if you're taking your own

  blood pressure like it is keeping the

  second would be pretty funny if you

  changed it like not to wear a minute is

  90 seconds but you know be great if you

  change it to wear a minute was like 47

  so when that wouldn't that make you feel

  like a crazy person

  yeah that's it is running faster than it


  but it wasn't affecting the time and

  what I imagine is that you're lying

  there in bed and if you're if you like I

  would be the type of person that would

  lay in bed and watch the little head go

  around em but then the big hand ticks

  off another minute but the little hand

  is at like 40 seconds

  oh my god and be like what what what

  whoa what just happened

  oh my god and then it did it repeatedly

  told her you would yeah you really doubt

  you talk about gaslighting that's like a

  black mirrors a choice

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  so so and I have you know I have the

  clocks on the stove and the clocks on

  the microwave and those two because

  they're right next to each other i'll

  set the time on one and then I will sit

  with my finger poised over the other

  it'sit's in this this is an art because

  i do not want them to be even four

  seconds separated and I wait I wait I

  swim that whole minute watching this pot


  uh-huh and then but I you know I try and

  just nail it with the other one because

  i want those things to be and that's

  irrelevant and I don't want anything I

  think the fact that everybody has and I

  mostly exactly correct clock on their


  yeah it's that is interesting to me

  because I mean that is not going to be

  fair that's canonical source of time I

  give you know what time it is look at

  your phone because your phone is

  actually you know first of all it's a

  really good time piece like better than

  most of us could afford on our wrists I

  imagine and it is you know getting the

  weather the nuclear time update but i

  but i don't think people think about

  this or sweat this stuff as much as our

  generation did I think about the clocks

  we had in my elementary school and man I

  mean the clocks in our school they had a

  sweep second hand and first of all they

  were all every clock in the school which

  can be set remotely every clock in the

  school was always egg exactly right

  yeah and what if it was a bell that rang

  at 1pm it did not start to ring until

  the clock turned to one o'clock and it

  did not turn to one o'clock until the

  second hand shop which one like this

  talk and talk


  talk until that went from 59

  212like it was not every single clock

  was exactly

  flawlessly perfect all the time in every

  room all the time and if it wasn't it

  would have been really troubling do you

  remember the last day of eighth grade

  with was your was your junior high

  through ninth grader was it did end at

  80 so seven eight nine ten to twelve oh

  my god I don't even know what it's like

  to be one of us junior high and then you

  have middle school 628 no we didn't have

  middle school junior high was 78 that's

  so strange sixth grade was the last

  grade of elementary spanish is he should

  be as Shannon 78 @ men 9th grade was

  freshman in high school as it should be

  it's certainly the way Europe makes you

  put your dog in a kennel for like a year

  alright what is see also cutting trail

  like it really that's the two years

  that's a containment facility it really

  is it really is you are because when

  your sixth grader you're like nah gah

  athl pow pow

  hi you know when the and write about

  sixth-graders when the girls start to

  say like um I do you want to go with me

  who's going with who

  yeah oh he's going with her all the

  goings going to say that going with

  years and I was like damn her tell you

  the first time a girl said the girl came

  up to me because a lot of it isn't do

  you want to go with me

  it is do you want to go with her

  oh yeah you get proxies yeah i'm here as

  an intermediary who and it was like a

  small group of girls that approached me

  on the playground and said let's call

  her Stacey because that's a name from my

  nice interactions risk name but do you

  want to go out do you want to go with

  stealing girls with a sec do you want to

  go with Stacy and I was such a child I

  was like go where and they wrote the

  collectively rolled their eyes and I

  yeah just sighed at me and I was like

  what what what have I done what did i do

  and even by saying that dumb thing I had

  sort of like blown my chances with

  Stacey no but that's not all you can out

  of yourself as a look because I was like

  you know I stopped for one second

  playing like time temp travelers like

  time traveler space ninja like what go

  with the red why would I want to go with

  her but that was also the year that i

  sat at the Arctic roadrunner

  oh my god this was the worst moment of

  my life I so we were doing some kind of

  theater show and it was me and another

  friend of mine and Lori basler alright

  some other species again and the four of

  us went to the Arctic Road Runner which

  was the hamburger place that was around

  the corner from my elementary school

  which was northstar elementary that

  you'll notice you'll begin to pick up a

  theme that everything in Alaska is named

  after Alaska so get northstar

  Elementary's telling Los Angeles that's

  right yeah it's except yeah in Los

  Angeles every every name of everything

  is something you've already heard a

  thousand times from the movies

  yeah okay like whoa melrose I know what

  that is

  no you don't you just know it from a TV

  show but the Arctic roadrunner used to

  only have one location which was on

  Arctic Boulevard and then they had

  another location but I thought I found

  that second location to be non-canonical

  ok but I went to the Arctic roadrunner

  with my friend and Lori basler and her

  friend and this was a very unusual

  situation we were off campus during

  school getting a hamburger that we were

  paying for with our own money

  it was like a big deal

  it felt like a scene from Greece and we

  and I got my hamburger first

  and I went over to the booze and it's an

  Arctic rotor is a hamburger joint from

  the fifties and it looks like the

  nineteen fifties I walked over and

  they're here was the booth

  and I said oh shit what do i do if i sit

  on one side I won't see what I want is

  Lori bachelor sit next to me but I'm

  gonna sit on one side and then tell my

  friend to sit next to me and or I'm

  gonna tell my friend to sit across and

  then that and I just I wasn't sure

  exactly what to do and i sat down in a

  booth and my friend sat across from me

  and I was like okay let's run through

  scenarios you're doing like between


  yeah i'm just like how is this gonna

  play out and then Lori and her friend

  came and sat in a separate booth

  together see and I was like what no

  that's not

  we're all together with all special

  arrangements the screws up my right now

  you can't go on a separate car

  Tom can you get me off the Sally and so

  so it was like the whole thing was

  screwed up and I I mean the only worse

  scenario would have been that Lori sat

  next to my friend and her prince that

  next to me and that's not what happened

  so it ended up remaining neutral but boy

  there was a lot of tension there and

  that is sixth grade to me by the time

  seventh-grade rolled around people were

  smoking cigarettes and and getting drunk

  before school

  nacho cheese oh my god this is such as

  such a narrow aperture yeah that's

  Alaska but the last day of eighth grade

  I remember sitting in class and spring

  in Alaska is one of the great seasons of

  the world it's the season of the witch

  alright because spring is just like it

  winter is so awful and breakup is so

  awful that when full spring arrives

  everything blooms it's beautiful out you

  know the by June this

  the sun is up in the sky for a long time

  during the day like it's like Sun Goes

  Down it ten you know it's it's wonderful

  and you're still trapped in school it's


  it's just crazy making the last day of

  great i still remember watching that

  little hand

  tick-tick-tick as it went around and and

  you know here it comes like it's where

  one minute out and just watching the

  teachers to like well summer blah i want

  you to read this and then just pick and

  that it hit that Bell and it was like

  the the ceiling lifted off the world you

  know I because i was done well done with

  junior high

  in addition what you know I was out of

  this nightmare and I was basically

  headed to college which was ninth grade

  which I you know which everyone all

  through junior high is preparing you for

  ninth grade like well you know and I

  don't feel like it anymore

  that's right when you get over their

  high school like look out you can't

  can't keep playing around with food and

  in it you know i began what would

  effectively be the last true summer of

  my childhood and it was all staring at

  that you that clock that represented the

  uniformity of school the same clock that

  had been in every classroom from the

  time I was in kindergarten

  just watching this this famous black

  clock to get down o whenever I whenever

  I need to you know whenever I'm doing a

  big-budget hollywood film and they say

  can you cry

  mhm I just put myself in that in that

  situation culture sense a sense memory

  yep yep just stick it down my class used

  to be so important

  I don't even know if they do kids do

  they even have a last day of school

  already like to get into sliding scale

  it's just optional or something

  everything's a mess now I mean

  everything's a mess there's there's no

  there's nothing to him or anybody

  anymore that the times change its

  strange times what you remember this

  do you remember so it sounds like your

  clocks were your big black clock was as

  tough and solid is ours to remember the

  black as yours

  but do you remember on the Friday the

  Friday in fall before the friday before

  the time change right before school let

  out this amazing moment

  oh oh my god i just try stills I think I

  so clearly remember them because these

  clocks I just I can't say it enough

  these clocks run impeachable oh you're

  talking about when they moved remotely

  one hour at every there was a there was

  a weird moment when suddenly the clock

  that was never wrong

  worcester and then suddenly the little

  hand and the big hand would start moving


  oh I do remember and what would happen

  it would take less than a minute it was

  like yeah but it was such a strange it

  was like it would be like somebody

  resetting the sky it was so it was such

  a weird moment and I mean maybe I'm

  thinking about this too much maybe I

  think about clocks too much i think i

  think becoming aware of time all let me

  say this i am Amy very disorganized and

  very confused person but there's a

  couple things in my life that may make

  my life more sensible and made me less

  stressed out i can tell you two things

  that have completely changed my game one

  is always putting my wallet and keys all

  my pocket things i always put all my

  pocket things in the same place every

  day all the time they never go anywhere

  but that one spot game-changer what is

  that spot

  ah what is mine or what's called 0 minus

  minus a white like a good dish it's sort

  of like it's costing like it like a

  plate and a bowl and probably from like

  an ikea but it's like a flat it's

  probably can tell you it's about this

  with of an apple pencil swear it's a

  flat circle again eight-by-eight

  McConaughey disk and that's where it

  goes ok so that's one and talking about

  you you just didn't have a name oh I i

  don't know i called the dish dish but

  like okay that's just 11 of one of those

  one of the things that has been a change

  for in and the thing is it's like it's

  like when you stop smoking and suddenly

  can understand how anybody ever smoked

  and like now I like the idea that your

  keys for example could be anywhere in

  the entire fucking universe then the

  white dish

  yeah the dish and the in the idea that

  your wallet could be

  we're but either literally in your

  pocket or hand while you're using it or

  in the dish it never goes anywhere else

  I never put it anywhere else and that

  has been my bulwark against madness

  well now let me see this yes II all

  those things that go in the dish are all

  outside the house implements so again

  let you know that will let put

  differently apart from my phone which

  may be in my pocket are being charged

  it's all the stuff that I would never in

  a million years leave the house without

  right but they're not things that you

  use in the house for if you do you have

  to go to the white dish get your credit

  card out yet makes the transaction you

  put it back in the white dish

  yeah exactly like you know unless

  somebody has borrowed my two keys on a

  ring to use as fulcrum for some kind of

  a thing to make Wolverine pull out of

  the Barbie house mentioning any names

  know the keys are always there

  ok so that's that's the number-one the

  dish and number two is this came much

  much much later was learning to realize

  accept and been anything like that to

  realize how this is used for me let me

  learn to real well lots of people can

  change before they realize what they're

  trying to change and not always fuck up

  because they never became aware of what

  the thing is it's actually wrong

  yeah they're trying to realize before

  then that was my relationship with time

  and like it you know honestly it is it

  took like five years at a time for me to

  make a 10-percent increasing realization

  about how fucked up my sense of time was

  it wasn't I mean it should have been

  there should have been a shaman lon

  thing all the time of me going like wow

  it's really weird that I never turned

  anything in on time

  it's really weird that I am late for

  every single thing that I do it never

  occurred to me that maybe time was the

  one that was right and I was one of

  those little screwy I think it really

  wasn't until college were like there are

  consequences for you know turning things

  in late or give a like for every

  workshop alone huh

  come along no no me and Sam Ilan but

  without I'm sure well the second thing

  the second thing was accepting that like

  a clock

  let's say let's say you've got a clock

  that for whatever reason is consistently

  20 minutes wrong it seems like you could

  basically fix that what i learned to

  realize is like idea

  realign my sense of how long it takes to

  do fucking everything and I have to and

  then when I eventually did become a

  project manager it was even worse

  because everything is perfectly planned

  still goes wrong when you're a project

  manager you get to like be part of the

  process of deciding how long things take

  but you don't have that much actual

  control about how long it actually does

  take and so what do you do well in my

  case I learned to always add twenty

  percent to every aspect of every project

  and maybe sometimes that would be within

  the range of okay but that's the

  number-one the dish and number two the

  time and so as somebody whose life has

  benefited as someone who's sanity has

  improved by addressing realizing

  addressing those things it is so hard

  for me

  we have been accounted for socks and now

  it's 732 and like we should never be in

  this position and I realized why I

  selling out of my mind I know it's just

  that every morning I wake up knowing

  that we're going to be late and don't

  have that much control over it and I

  feel like if they just took my to power

  hacks and put them in place they being

  my daughter right my perhaps could work

  but yeah the post-mortem this morning we

  talked about it which we talked about we

  had a mercury post-mortem was like you

  know what we didn't account for socks

  and then I had to explain the time thing

  by quoting john kennedy in the film

  hidden figures and i had to say we go to

  the moon we choose to go to the moon not

  because it is easy but because it is


  oh yes i would say difficult but i think

  he said hard but I that's the thing and

  that's the thing with this and this is

  why if it's 732 we failed mercury is

  down my shiraki fucking dead for all we

  know it's it's it's you know it's

  calibrated with in centimeters

  it's like if you see the movie hidden

  figures no it's pretty really you don't

  see ya i can just say he it's really i

  thought was really good especially take

  a kid too but like they're describing

  like how they're going to have to nail

  like it's one thing to get the mercury

  like off the ground that is hard enough

  yeah getting mercury into orbit and

  bring it out of orbit and they had some

  crazy analogy about you know like

  shooting a shotgun across this many

  football fields or something like that

  it's not incredibly complicated to

  thread that needle

  oh yeah well you know i'm spending a lot

  of time staring at the Saturn five

  rocket yes you do

  yeah I built the Saturn five

  model rocket difficult budget uh well

  shits it was three feet tall house was

  in SDS it wasn't it was well those were

  the motors i use I'm sorry but use it

  but you got like a deal look at the

  engine rocket I had 40 and collie shit


  it was a massive massive rocket during

  my model rockets 44 caliber of s these

  engines it was a big big operation this

  thing and i launched it successfully and

  it went away

  oh it all it went so high that I mean

  and this was at a model rocketry event

  where people were shooting when we were

  in the giant field lady with with we're

  at a job that I was spacing interesa


  you may know me as Saturn 5 is that your

  handle on the BBS yeah we were we were

  uh that but still is I have it I have it

  on the back of my truck in stick-on

  letter 75 channel 14

  breaker breaker we were dying filled

  with no trees around it we just went

  away people were launching rockets all

  day and when and catching them as they

  returned on their giant parachutes this

  saturday 5 rocket had huge parachutes it

  went up so high that it went away

  oh my no one could I couldn't see it

  anymore no one could see it anymore and

  then we couldn't we just couldn't see


  it's like a James Bond local situation

  where the sky is big and you would have

  to at some point it has two are not dark

  but it has two curve over and come back

  down somewhere something it seems like

  that it has to blow its it stopped and

  the parachute comes out and then you run

  or you get in the car and chase it but

  it just was gone haha and i spent a lot

  of time on this rocket and had also like

  a long time before launching it i

  completed a long time before launching

  it and had just had it right

  found and just would go look at it and

  caress it tonight scratchbuilt many

  parts for it and had laborious Lee made

  it look like a Saturn 5 I mean I mean

  obviously made out of cardboard but it

  was a it was something that mattered a

  lot to me and it just went away i still

  wonder what happened it was a it was

  truly a puzzle and the adults agreed

  that it was a puzzle and everyone was

  extremely impressed by it it went off

  like a rocket literally and made a huge

  noise and what it was just tore ass into

  the sky and it was a thrilling moment

  and then it kept going which was also

  thrilling and then it just kept going

  and it was like what am i what

  what now I expected to realize that the

  universe telling you with that one haha

  i mean i thought i would retrieve it and

  launch it again a million times 75 and

  it definitely like that was the moment

  that I kind of walked away from the

  rocket filled with my head held down and

  people going like it's okay Charlie

  Brown music playing yeah and you know

  Mike I was stuck in a tree except it

  wasn't even in a tree

  there's no tricky it just because you

  didn't indicate mean for ya

  it just went up and up and up and was

  gone all the ceiling and it wasn't even

  a thing where that we're email you saw

  the parachute and it floated off into

  the next County

  it just I don't just kept flying it went

  all the way to have it might still be up

  there John God wanted it gone so they're

  short one angel is right beside or five

  that's right little Saturday Bob and I

  can only imagine that some kid in some

  suburban neighborhood some faraway place

  it was like it was like the Playboy

  bunny coming in through the window

  yeah haha oh my god it was like what the

  75 just landed in my backyard

  mmm i think they got out at seven thirty

  one today and cool they can't get out at

  seven thirty will get enough to leave

  the house I see I see what you're saying

  remember the goal of this mercury

  mission is 730 unique notice that yeah

  730 is we've left the house

  it cannot have swept second to 3730 we

  need to be out of house by seven thirty


  it's going to explode but you were

  saying that 732 was already too late but

  where does 731 well this is so yesterday

  I took her in

  and so I was running the project but as

  I say that we didn't account for socks

  now we've actually found some socks she

  was not happy with the socks at all

  hmm she likes to save her old socks i

  say those socks too small with those

  wishes has no save them put them in the

  sewing box so now I'm putting socks in

  the box but no no mouse in the house let

  me active yeah when you put the socks in

  the box what's your long-term plan does

  she want a quilt made out of them went

  well the socks in the Box much like the

  clocks are things that I it's like me

  explaining molecules that's how I feel I

  feel like I feel like like like I i just

  want Stickley I don't actually

  understand molecules but I feel like I

  feel like I'm constantly every time i

  say it's 712 that means you have to get

  out in eight within 18 minutes before

  the House explodes I feel like I'm

  saying I think i'm constantly giving her

  trouble for what a neutron like how many

  moles the air-conditioning ways like I

  feel like I'm going well there's a 300

  molecules in a bit do because again you

  keep saying that like you just keep

  saying these words like you keep saying

  712 like it's meaningful understand

  those are all numbers and I'm familiar

  with like no this represents the passage

  of time the big black fucking clock is

  moving all the time I tried to explain

  molecules to my dad every day and she

  did that thing where she turned and

  looked out the window

  hmm i was like oh did I lose your

  attention i have where we've gotten to a

  point i don't know how I let this get to

  this point we've got to the point where

  basically my daughter is not paying

  attention to me or she thinks she's in

  trouble and that is a needle the disc

  Mercury program is constantly having to


  those are the two options for example

  attention to have the conversation about

  the new plan the new Mercury plan that

  we're putting in place

  this is a conversation we had two

  afternoons ago and it's been real mellow

  I was okay just come here for a second

  look what I don't know just just compare

  minute like I'm doing dishes I just want

  to talk to you like four seconds they're

  not in trouble

  I i had to say you're not in trouble and

  then and then she's bringing her comic

  books with her

  god bless her she was going to read your

  comics talk and say hey look at me

  let's just talk from which is what and

  said you're too you're not in trouble I

  just want to talk to you in a way where

  you're not picking out the next parks

  and rec on netflix i want you to come

  here and I want to talk to you and

  you're not in trouble

  I just want to talk about something she

  says what I said look morning's

  morning's are becoming stressful you cry

  a lot in the morning now it's kind of

  fake cry but like there's no crying in

  the morning a lot now just to get to

  this conversation and now she's scared

  now she's put down our comic books she's

  gotten a piece of printer paper and a

  marker and she started to write down

  what I'm saying oh my goodness really is

  she doing it a genuinely or she don't

  you know she misses your head

  he thinks season and not the thing is I

  think you can probably guess I'm not

  like a and a mad angry yelling add like

  I'm hot

  she's pretty rarely in trouble but yet

  she's so intimidated she brings a piece

  of paper she starts making a longhand

  schedule with the title how to make

  mornings better

  Oh number one is make a sketch but so we

  really are cut from the same cloth the

  same as saying something about logistics

  use a three by five card know she was

  picked big piece of printer paper

  well ordinarily she would just grab one

  of my expensive fresh notebooks right on

  one page and then that would be how she

  did it

  no no it'sit's the sitting there I'll

  probably hang on to that because I

  thought that was fun

  you don't have to tell you yesterday

  they got better you know we still we

  still wrecked my curio yeah but I and

  then today so again i'm sitting there in

  my underpants on the steps watching them

  was like I mean you guys be plus four

  days is pretty good and like be plus we

  need p+ like we're leaving we're not

  late like haha you're not late but

  you're also not on time

  oh yeah mercury crashes if you don't

  leave here at seven by seven tell you

  gotta get out clock dad daddy isn't

  crazy things like crazy just organ

  daddy's gotta play a project plan

  yes you know my big hack that that

  differentiates me from everyone else in

  my family is that I make no assessment

  of my daughter's costume

  the only thing I ever say to her about

  her outfit is you have good style she

  must take it out herself entirely

  ok so that must be fun this is the

  problem with every everyone else in the

  house which is that for everyone else in

  the whole family which is that they have

  opinions about what she's wearing

  or do you think maybe sometimes they

  want to like the unintentionally like

  when a reward her for either being

  creative or pretty high

  I feel like at least in the case of her

  mother her mother has is also someone

  for whom style and fashion her mother's

  and her mother's a dish

  well and you know and like treats her

  own clothes as as a you know that's the

  thing she thinks a lot about and yeah

  does a very good job with and so she has

  feelings about these costumes and my mom

  also has feelings about the costumes but

  all based on practicality like my mouth

  that's not gonna get the weather is this

  or this is laid out a day for floor

  length tulle ya later on to you know

  later on in the day we have to do this

  so you need this with that and those

  shoes don't match with these and my mom

  is very matching met

  is very matching met

  hmm and as you know about me style also

  matters to me but I am a mixed pattern

  type idea you're kind of a coaster easy

  costa rican breakfast of a man

  absolutely just like if you because if

  you feel like it goes secret sparkly

  covered with spots

  that's right what white soft not about

  not a problem bring it all in and take

  the fuck you there's eggs take three

  kinds of hashing you want white gravy

  you want sausage gravy or brown gravy

  what he saw

  yes and yes and is the a.m some dishes

  just keep them coming

  my own my latest thing is can I don't

  want toast or hash browns

  can I get one pancake


  well now you have not for people have

  not eat now with you it is a peculiar

  joy of eating out with you you to have

  the come to Jesus discussion with the


  yeah because I I first I thought you

  were just being a little silly but like

  where you actually say and listen I

  don't want to its kind of Ron Swanson

  where you going to do something I don't

  want not what the potatoes give me the

  extra vegetables or something that we

  didn't know that to hear anything with

  you two fingers in the eyes look look

  right here know if they're used to say

  that if there are any potatoes brought

  to the table i will send them back and

  there will be a problem but don't click

  don't get potatoes near my food

  yeah that's right i don't want them I

  don't you know the whole thing where i'm

  like i love fruit instead of potatoes

  and then they bring fruit and potato

  you'd understand you did in stages you

  just wrecked mercury no no bring us

  separately bring another plate start

  over new table potatoes are gone

  that's right everybody up we're going to

  start we're going we're going to come in

  the door against Miguel ron Hubbard like

  the master moment you begin to get but

  but the wonderful thing is ninety-eight

  percent of the time now when I say no

  toast no potatoes one pancake the server

  looks up at the sky doesn't food math

  and and takes a takes her pan or his pen

  and taps it to their lip and then says I

  can do that

  and there's a moment where it feels like

  it feels like it feels like it might be

  a scam

  yeah it was like you it feels like one

  of those like okay I want to get rid of

  some of this money can you give me a ten

  for two twenties or you know whatever

  Yeah right there would be the other way

  with ya tonight yeah exactly cannot get

  how about no potatoes double steak I

  want to change I want to change this

  hundred-dollar bill ok now five twenties

  and 410 actually let's get rid of

  somebody and you do you have a paper

  moon on them but they look up and they

  think and they picture a plate of toast

  and a picture hash browns and I think

  they realize that one pancake is less

  than but they also less than those so

  it's a deal in that sense or I mean but

  I also feel like they have to make the

  toast right

  oh really this becomes a kind of like

  existential breakfast algebra

  yeah that's right i mean there's there

  it yes there's the food part are you

  trying to get away with something but I

  was like you know what

  not a fan of making toast I would be

  totally okay just have somebody else

  make a pancake

  yeah I all have to do now is ring the

  bell and say pancake I don't have to say

  here's the order and now I've got to go

  make less work and easy custom thing to


  I mean that's less work than giving you

  a coffee refill that might be a better

  tip also and so-and-so ninety percent of

  the time they're like I can do that two

  percent of the time they say that's

  going to cost you a dollar which is fine

  if a dollar i'll pay the fucking dollar

  for a pancake

  yeah but that but the the real twister

  is are they going to bring that pan care

  on a separate plate where it belongs

  we're going to bring that pancake

  touching said this is what happened

  yesterday with where the potatoes would

  have been where exactly so I was like

  I'll have the pork cutlet with with eggs

  and she was like done and I said and a

  pancake no toast no potatoes a pancake

  and she was like I can do it and then it

  came on the same plate which isn't a

  problem exactly except the port Cutler

  was covered with white gravy

  yeah i mean the pancake in that case

  again not that much more effort putting

  the pancake on its own on a plate would

  be a lot more fancy well sure but if

  you're putting syrup on a pancake you

  know there's going to be a place in the

  Middle where you've got syrup white

  gravy and eggs and I was like oh I see

  what you're saying

  I said Emma into this i might be

  yeah I know I I i see this is why I like

  a monkey dish I like a separate plate

  like a monkey i'm not i'm not even that

  weird about food touching but one of my

  latest technologies when we go to the

  diner around the corner you've been to

  my daughter always get the same thing

  she always gets the pancakes sausage and

  scrambled eggs she doesn't meet my new

  thing is mushroom cheese burger with

  side monkey dish of white sausage gravy

  oh hello one wow so now I got I got I

  got a mushroom cheese burger with

  crinkle fries

  yeah and I got a side dish of white

  sausage gravy so now i can deploy a

  little dollop of catch up next to the

  fries a dollop of mayonnaise next to the

  french fries i'm now deploying three

  different sauces freely

  oh my god and you're dipping fries and

  all three and everything's going in all

  of them and the burger and all three so

  you know what you know what you hear

  what you didn't hear it was me going oh

  I put a bunch of shit on my burger no no

  longer it can will be transmogrified

  into anything if i want to put a french

  fry on this but i can't i can deploy any

  of those sauces and in that case the

  monkey dishes the key

  yeah we'll see i do this exact thing

  they're doing i put ketchup on the plate

  and dip the burger in the catcher

  because that's the only way that should

  be the third thought technology you get

  a dish you think about time and they

  deploy sauces tactical sauce but then i

  asked for a couple o jus oh god I gotta

  start doing that and there's yeah they

  got a French Dip I don't want that much

  fucking bread I don't get a french dip

  but i wish i could get the juice there's

  there is nothing that you can't dip

  knows you Sokka french fry knows you

  that is good but anything I mean you

  could dip a piece of chocolate cake and

  a man yeah you take you a mushroom

  cheese burger it's got some red onion

  got something made out you dip just just

  the tip of like you taking a bite and a

  little tip on the bite Egypt that in

  a little bit of sausage gravy dip that

  little to get a little teary sausage


  this is bananas she's good when you

  don't have an app that's the this is

  exactly what this is exactly the kind of

  like let's put every sauce on it that I

  that's how i approach dressing

  ok yes something next pivot and my and

  muscle my so what I do with with my kid

  is I make some make some breakfast for

  her and half the time it's just one egg

  in a coffee cup which is this point this

  house have been trying to do too much

  success it's alec yeah what are you

  gonna copy come sometimes it's a little

  bit of granola with with a dollop of

  yogurt on it like she get that the

  practice tests

  she's pretty cool about Shelly and

  actually a hard-boiled egg even which I

  wouldn't do there you know like a

  hard-boiled egg not you wouldn't ask for

  it if you give me a hard boiled egg and

  I put it in my pocket and carry it with

  me on the trail

  ok like alcohol and jager well Jean

  right now what we call this little

  sausages with yellow and jager plan your

  laundry laundry girl I nagar there we'll

  get it there will be a time in the

  middle of the day when I'm hungry and

  I'm Way out on the trail and there's no

  place to get any food that i'll pull

  that takeout

  I feel very situational situational and

  contextual about public like a boiled

  egg that I've just made in my very

  special wake of a very special way and I

  go to New York Times I put a put on a

  hole with a needle you do that on your

  eggs you get a hard book but the other

  hand like a bed-and-breakfast of bread

  bed-and-breakfast like knock on the door

  they want to give you a hard-boiled egg

  what is it but with those places in

  fucking hard boiled eggs that's that

  snake i do not want no I don't want to

  rank keep your egg and your German

  muffin like yeah I don't want it when

  you when you go downstairs at the german

  Pensione and there's a bass tick

  mastic effects if you have a if you have

  a sticker breakfast and you're just like

  dark as shown

  yeah but here's what i want i want some

  toast with Jam actually

  I don't get what I want and what I want

  and I want some cold cuts and one of

  your heart buns and then get me out of

  here gonna hit the trail but so anyway I

  microwave an egg

  I she eats it we're having a good time

  in the morning because it's just like

  you know it's just the two of us without

  without trying saying too much to

  provide triangulation like you other are

  days where you have to get her to school

  lots yeah like how like roughly how long

  is it from your walk doors there's no

  walking it's a it is a half hour drive

  ok ok all right good ok that's what the

  problem is it's a half hour dry it's a

  20-minute drive if you leave if

  everybody if it were told way that you

  needed things to work and people keep

  moving it out of the way

  yeah but-but-but traffic changes within

  that 10 minutes if you don't leave I'll

  i know this one idea exactly what you do

  is to get this was the commute down to

  the peninsula was like within this

  30-minute window the traffic would come

  you could add two hours to the trip by

  they don't half an hour later if you

  leave at seven twenty to my house in 722

  you are you are in the game and you

  don't understand why I give a b-plus for

  a failed mercury mission but what you're

  dealing with every morning 722 722 you

  into x 7 x star 722 you can stop at the

  gas station and have an additional

  breakfast of a couple of chicken strips

  you could have an emergency travel Joe

  yeah daddy can get a coffee

  yeah if you leave to get a map believe

  it I could I could get a tire pressure

  gauge which if you leave at seven thirty

  two haha yeah you're sitting in traffic

  and yeah well mr. ah yeah so so what I

  say is at a certain point I look at the

  clock and I go go get dressed and she

  lollygag for one and a half seconds and

  I say what did I say go get dressed and

  then she disappears

  now God and reappears often in the most

  fantastical outfits you will have ever

  seen i love this already like flowered


  a plaid skirt a you know like a mohair

  sweater that i didn't know she had some

  kind of like rain jacket and cowboy

  boots are you know like cheating him she

  finds all this stuff and I'm like look

  at and I go great

  here we go and the only issue is come

  out of that room dressed in some costume

  by this moment and if she doesn't all I

  have everyone's a real liberal arts

  approach like how you do this however

  you want but you have exactly one

  fitness criterion which is that we I

  mean by you could ultimately 17 but you

  say when i see you next you need to be

  in this state

  that's right you know you should be

  headed toward the door and be able to

  make if I if I get to the door before

  you do an open it you should be able to

  continue be able to start throwing your

  keys through the air

  yeah at seven 2159 yeah and you just be

  you walk out of that room and be

  prepared to keep walking and then and

  that's the point at which I'm throwing

  her hastily made lunch into her back

  back and i'm putting my own coat and hat

  on and so she ninety-five percent of the

  time appears in some costume but i think

  is magical that would drive both of her

  other caretakers right up the wall for

  potentially different reasons for

  different reasons

  yeah i do not care particularly if her

  hair is a rat's nest because my hair's

  around interesting and so I don't worry

  about how that reflects on you now I'll

  grab one of those little ponytail rubber

  bands and I'll throw it onto the top of

  her head in some way not like a it not

  so that the ponytail sticking up not to

  meet with but I grabbed her hair and

  pull it to the side and put a little top

  ponytail on it so it hangs down high and

  tuck your hair behind your ears and go

  good and she goes down good and we're


  and so I think that she likes it because

  compared to her morning's elsewhere

  it feels like a team effort yeah

  and she gets to go to school and the one

  she's not getting beef

  no there's no beef she's the only beef

  is why are you it's 720 145 where the

  fuck are you

  right did you get distracted did you get

  lost in your room you know what happens

  when you get lost in your room happens

  that while you're fucking late and then

  daddy standing at the front door going

  well let's move

  yeah but like what if what if she's

  looking at dust that's falling from from

  ceiling and look at books that got moved

  around if she's trying to discern her

  future she absolutely does and then but

  at that point it's my problem because I

  should be on my game enough that at

  seven-twenty I'm saying let's let's move

  if I haven't seen you at seven-twenty

  let's move and often i'm not only yeah I

  know 7 28 mins me that's the problem

  yeah and then if I do open her door she

  absolutely is staring up at the dust

  coming down staring up trying to figure

  out what a fucking neutron is marf and

  and it you know and it's like oh we're

  late now and that's because i was also

  staring up at the Panda corner of the


  oh boy look at that mhm so i came home

  daddy is also the problem but we both

  subject we walk out of that house we

  both look like polly wachee you know

  oh yeah