Roderick on the Line

Ep. 10: "They Usually Come in the Mornings"


  hello hi John how are you hi Merlin was [TS]

  going it's going pretty well I haven't [TS]

  been getting a ton of sleep now really [TS]

  yeah you've been eating cake I've been [TS]

  even cake certain a certain kind you [TS]

  stocked up on [TS]

  well I well it's pumpkin pie season so I [TS]

  have them have a pumpkin pie but I also [TS]

  i have a chocolate cake too [TS]

  or what's left of the chocolate cake I [TS]

  worked my way through a pretty fast I [TS]

  can't get into your house [TS]

  well in this case I made it I made a [TS]

  chocolate cake i sat down knowingly and [TS]

  produced fifteen thousand calories of [TS]

  chocolate cake for myself [TS]

  actually it was a birthday cake I made [TS]

  for a friend that then I just kept the [TS]

  majority of so many questions I mean I I [TS]

  did cut it you I did cut a portion of it [TS]

  out and put it in a Tupperware container [TS]

  and give it to her and said and i said [TS]

  happy birthday but most of the cake was [TS]

  it clearly cut from Elijah cake just [TS]

  give somebody a partial part a cake she [TS]

  was standing there and said that's my [TS]

  that's my birthday cake right I'm gonna [TS]

  give that to me [TS]

  not yet to take and i said i'll give you [TS]

  some and I got cut her off a out a [TS]

  healthy portion [TS]

  not the majority of it my first my first [TS]

  thought I'm sorry used to alcohol [TS]

  references my first thought was being [TS]

  the guy who arrives with the 12 pack of [TS]

  busch light that has two beers left in [TS]

  it but but then i was reminded of as you [TS]

  know one of that one of the great films [TS]

  vacation when when randy quaid says the [TS]

  Chevy Chase I bet you could use a cool [TS]

  one in their hands in the beer that he's [TS]

  been drinking [TS]

  mhm now I'm not saying it's the same [TS]

  thing I know you're not you're not [TS]

  you're not a drinker but with the cake [TS]

  cut when she wrote that i did walk [TS]

  through a part of the other day and say [TS]

  you know address the room and say [TS]

  anybody want some [TS]

  anybody want a cup of coffee I'm i got [TS]

  coffee i was making a pot in the other [TS]

  room and a bunch of people turned to me [TS]

  and then I noticed house holding a I was [TS]

  just holding it like a Starbucks cup [TS]

  right look down on me and I was like I [TS]

  mean I got the last little bit here [TS]

  anybody want some no takers no I think [TS]

  I'm parties you go to that not a lot I I [TS]

  mean I know you live in and in this is [TS]

  specifically a city that is obsessed [TS]

  with coffee by the parties the parties [TS]

  that you walk through making [TS]

  announcements now are most people [TS]

  they're having a having a cocktail not [TS]

  sure that they're having coffee drinks [TS]

  at the party [TS]

  no they were having cocktails but I you [TS]

  know I even when I was a drinker if [TS]

  someone walked through the party and [TS]

  said i just made a pot of coffee does [TS]

  anybody want one [TS]

  nobody so well nobody said I wanted that [TS]

  but it said hello yes this is the best [TS]

  party I've ever been to [TS]

  yeah copy Mustangs and handjobs like who [TS]

  says no there's a yes of course I'll [TS]

  have coffee Tyler I like this one lady [TS]

  was pregnant I haven't we had a class [TS]

  and and there's a couple things I took [TS]

  away that were actually really useful in [TS]

  a life way and one of the things that [TS]

  this woman said it was really smart [TS]

  liking your wife's gonna be like dealing [TS]

  with a lot of stuff washes you know [TS]

  pregnancy stuff like it never asked if [TS]

  you should wash the dishes like it would [TS]

  have you can you imagine a scenario in [TS]

  which the personally with says no please [TS]

  save them for me right [TS]

  never asked to wash dishes and never ask [TS]

  someone if they want a glass of water [TS]

  because everybody always wants a glass [TS]

  of water [TS]

  worst-case scenario you have a glass [TS]

  with water in it that you've got to [TS]

  throw out you still gotta clean glass [TS]

  that's all I'm saying you're you're this [TS]

  is a this is a thing [TS]

  isn't check out a card this is a thing [TS]

  it really is because the this is an [TS]

  ongoing thing that first of all that's [TS]

  true of your left trigger woman when [TS]

  she's pregnant but it's also true of any [TS]

  woman anytime cowboy hat but the but the [TS]

  but my pet peeve is when someone comes [TS]

  when you're making dinner and someone [TS]

  says would you like something to drink [TS]

  I got off making better right [TS]

  and-and-and-and my lady friend will say [TS]

  would you like something to drink with [TS]

  dinner of course the answer is always [TS]

  the same [TS]

  yes I would you know kind of a kind of [TS]

  beverage to have in a container while [TS]

  you're consuming the meal not not not as [TS]

  in like that like Mickey's big mouth but [TS]

  like as it like do you want a liquid to [TS]

  have with your meal would you like some [TS]

  liquid only in China only in China do [TS]

  they not do that and that that's a [TS]

  humorous issue [TS]

  yeah oh well well I'm not and I would [TS]

  and I would i would suggest that the [TS]

  Chinese are you know they're doing [TS]

  they're doing a different thing [TS]

  let's circle back to that um they're [TS]

  doing a different thing because they are [TS]

  that they're they consider broth a [TS]

  cocktail food [TS]

  ok so you're late your lady asked you if [TS]

  you want something to drink [TS]

  would you like something to drink and [TS]

  then and then the follow-up question as [TS]

  always i'm going to have some lemonade [TS]

  would you like would you like some [TS]

  lemonade and that it's a it's a it's an [TS]

  ongoing thing now where I have to say [TS]

  each time i will i will have what you [TS]

  are having every time i will have what [TS]

  you are having [TS]

  don't ever ask me if I want something [TS]

  separate [TS]

  have you ever have you ever asked for [TS]

  something different does she have a [TS]

  reason to fear you may be a part of [TS]

  every month at well you know she has a [TS]

  reason to fear milk sorry let's but I [TS]

  mean is our education centers of think [TS]

  well I mean it's nice and cool down good [TS]

  ventilation but did you guys ever been a [TS]

  time when you said for fuck's sake of [TS]

  course I don't want your fucking pisses [TS]

  lemonade [TS]

  what's that what's interesting about [TS]

  what's happening to me right now [TS]

  you can hear me you can hear my brain [TS]

  actually working as I'm trying to [TS]

  describe this because because because i [TS]

  had a conversation just a few days ago [TS]

  where she said when you're doing your [TS]

  podcast do you ever think that what [TS]

  you're saying is that i'm going to hear [TS]

  it that it's about me that I'm going to [TS]

  hear what you say and you never never [TS]

  think that never thought I had happened [TS]

  I said at the time of course not why [TS]

  would I make why would I make it harder [TS]

  on myself why would I make a podcast [TS]

  harder on myself because I was thinking [TS]

  about how you are going to receive [TS]

  something I said through through the [TS]

  internet you know and now you can hear [TS]

  me sitting here having said that now I'm [TS]

  thinking about see you open that door I [TS]

  did for sure somehow the door got opened [TS]

  and now i'm sitting here thinking about [TS]

  how to phrase this in a way that she's [TS]

  not going to she doesn't listen this [TS]

  sideshow she's gonna listen to the [TS]

  National well after will know she does [TS]

  it every time and then she comes migos [TS]

  that's interesting what you said about [TS]

  them who but the mechanic after you [TS]

  reframe on that John Ryder Cup just 2 [TS]

  i'd like to start over fresh start early [TS]

  / yeah well and just say I got a little [TS]

  own cake follow up here but we'll get [TS]

  back to that and I think it's important [TS]

  for everyone including you to understand [TS]

  that you are here to help people and I [TS]

  think the ways that you help people can [TS]

  be can be can be what Legion myriad [TS]

  multitudinous I think there are many [TS]

  ways i think the american legion just [TS]

  your being there above beneath the sink [TS]

  wherever you are offering her something [TS]

  perhaps in a metal bowl and what's clean [TS]

  with a damp cloth you're offering her [TS]

  help on levels that both of you may not [TS]

  even know she in particular needs [TS]

  I think the kind of help that you give [TS]

  her with pillow talk with wiping off the [TS]

  seat with it with with whatever [TS]

  quarterly brushing your teeth or [TS]

  whatever it is you do you're obviously [TS]

  helping her in the certain ways in the [TS]

  same sense that you would not take the [TS]

  pillow talk and put it into an RSS feed [TS]

  the technical term I think what you're [TS]

  offering here is is you're giving her a [TS]

  kind of reframing you're giving her a [TS]

  grace note a sort of oj you're giving [TS]

  her a UH an ex libris something that she [TS]

  will be able to take away that would not [TS]

  have come up while she was looking for [TS]

  you'll understand i mean i mean i just [TS]

  got here's the thing i don't want you to [TS]

  self-edit because I've worried that if [TS]

  you solve that if you start indeed [TS]

  thinking inaudible way it could [TS]

  potentially cut very deeply into the [TS]

  penetration of what you have to metaphor [TS]

  with its it's so it's so terrible as you [TS]

  thought about that I don't hear your [TS]

  brain move but if you really thought I [TS]

  mean if you thought about the the sake [TS]

  of the people you're trying to reach [TS]

  I can't as soon as I start to think I've [TS]

  become I become a garbled and and I scan [TS]

  here right now I'm reading a book about [TS]

  this you know reading a book about this [TS]

  right here we start yeah the this [TS]

  happens to me when I was in my writing [TS]

  to as soon as i sit down well and try [TS]

  and write about particularly about [TS]

  politics as soon as I start to write [TS]

  about politics all the humor goes out of [TS]

  me [TS]

  counting now just like a big pitching a [TS]

  big hard right in the punch bowl [TS]

  it's terrible i I just right i just [TS]

  write this like really pedantic and and [TS]

  and pedagogical blah-de-blah lots of [TS]

  greek words that are magic yeah it's the [TS]

  road down i like but I can throw down 25 [TS]

  pages of this stuff and then i read it [TS]

  back and I'm just like my own eyes are [TS]

  glazing over at the first reread oh and [TS]

  it's because i'm thinking all this is [TS]

  gonna this is really gonna this is gonna [TS]

  flip the pancake you-know-who and uh uh [TS]

  but also part of the reason that I'm [TS]

  that I think I'm stuttering and they [TS]

  sound garbled is that I I mean a lot of [TS]

  cake [TS]

  I've been arguing a lot of cake but I [TS]

  haven't been sleeping the last of four [TS]

  nights I haven't i've got like three [TS]

  hours of sleep a night to come back to [TS]

  this I want to come back I want to come [TS]

  back to the eating and sleeping because [TS]

  i have to tell you John have an [TS]

  extremely strong position on both eating [TS]

  and sleeping know you do i would never [TS]

  get your twin totems okay but the thing [TS]

  is it's you know it's it's it's like [TS]

  masturbation or saving money you can do [TS]

  too much you can do okay so there's a [TS]

  balance to be struck here are you [TS]

  sleeping the right amount of eating the [TS]

  right amount don't answer that [TS]

  um I agree with you on the politics [TS]

  first college wanna mention this in [TS]

  passing i'm reading a book right now [TS]

  called Thinking Fast and Slow [TS]

  that is iĆ­ve read maybe five pages of [TS]

  it but ok sounds like a TED talk but you [TS]

  know what it's like that but good and so [TS]

  it's this it's this guy who's been [TS]

  around i don't know for the last 40 [TS]

  years he's been doing a lot of like me [TS]

  you've heard the term availability [TS]

  heuristic where an availability [TS]

  heuristic if you heard that term I cab [TS]

  from array it rains every time you wash [TS]

  your car out sir [TS]

  people tend to get divorced and I'm [TS]

  being slightly wrong you can never just [TS]

  find something we used i don't know i'm [TS]

  not sure what kind of let you go to [TS]

  google that but you can probably find [TS]

  out the precise meaning but he's the guy [TS]

  who with his a scholarship partner came [TS]

  up with the term has come up with a lot [TS]

  of these ideas about how intuition i [TS]

  basically by his two levels of thinking [TS]

  that we do i won't go into this because [TS]

  as you know i'm i'm not a cognitive [TS]

  psychologist but it's super interesting [TS]

  idea and I think what's happening John [TS]

  right there [TS]

  I think it's what you in the music [TS]

  business call feedback i think what's [TS]

  happening is you're hearing yourself [TS]

  thinking and you're thinking about [TS]

  thinking and you're not really being [TS]

  John you're being met John and not like [TS]

  that John [TS]

  well he's not as interesting as John [TS]

  prime really not i don't like melodrama [TS]

  he comes around and he's thinking about [TS]

  towards when used when you think slow is [TS]

  when you get fucked up i don't know if [TS]

  that's a problem or a sync problem i [TS]

  just know that when you think you're in [TS]

  big fucking trouble you're a smart guy [TS]

  and you shouldn't have to think I'm in [TS]

  trouble when I think it's absolutely [TS]

  true and and plenty of fish there's [TS]

  plenty of fish without by an extranet [TS]

  John thinking has never solved any [TS]

  problems for me it's never going out of [TS]

  trouble thinking is always the it's [TS]

  always the thing in between sleeping and [TS]

  doing tar-baby start building the worst [TS]

  problem here now wait a minute we've [TS]

  been accused of racism a lot in this [TS]

  podcast probably just by blacks my [TS]

  concern is the politics thing onyx i [TS]

  will tell you I think I've told you this [TS]

  before but I went to like a alternate [TS]

  politics i would end up going to what is [TS]

  regarded at least in public colleges as [TS]

  a pretty good school like a way better [TS]

  school than I could have ever gotten [TS]

  into it was like the Florida technical [TS]

  academy for the Florida version of a [TS]

  good school which you know I sure like [TS]

  Florida version of a jumbo shrimp rice [TS]

  military operation of fashion a good [TS]

  fashion the Florida there [TS]

  that's the anything that has fashioned [TS]

  in the name is necessarily not [TS]

  fashionable i was in line waiting for [TS]

  prescription at walgreens like I am so [TS]

  many days and I and I was standing there [TS]

  waiting and I i looked and i hanging on [TS]

  one of those little things by the [TS]

  checkout but was fashioned contact lens [TS]

  case [TS]

  oh sure when you get developers flashing [TS]

  LED flashlight for your keychain right I [TS]

  think that's one that was one of those [TS]

  words it just means that it's the [TS]

  opposite of what's there [TS]

  well except fashionista does who are [TS]

  genuinely fashion back I'll and also [TS]

  revolutionary do you see Stan much they [TS]

  mean to you up to you so let's fix that [TS]

  a lot you don't do that a lot to you i [TS]

  don't i don't use because i can tell you [TS]

  who probably does that a lot [TS]

  I don't even need to tell you this you [TS]

  know probably adds east into a lot of [TS]

  words who Gloria Estefan close as flinch [TS]

  moving on when I don't get him saying [TS]

  that I latest movie East no no you know [TS]

  how to respect for the sandanista [TS]

  movement I don't squander the east the [TS]

  suffix you just literally gave me the [TS]

  greatest segue in the history of the [TS]

  world literally because because when i [TS]

  was trying to get into this school I [TS]

  applied to really three schools i [TS]

  applied to the public university that [TS]

  was in tampa which is kind of like a [TS]

  kind of high school with ashtrays and [TS]

  then i apply to this really university [TS]

  or tpd university of south florida no [TS]

  offense its don't worry don't worry [TS]

  these guys they don't have computers [TS]

  sure and i went to a place called [TS]

  Rollins in orlando well which is like a [TS]

  fancy lad school where the Galaxy at the [TS]

  intercept and then applied to the school [TS]

  that I got into could never afford to go [TS]

  to the one in orlando even though they [TS]

  gave me a big grant the essay that I [TS]

  wrote for them that i cannot even [TS]

  believe I ended up getting me accepted [TS]

  are you ready for this and it was on why [TS]

  the US should not be in Nicaragua all I [TS]

  was I was this morning huge oh my god it [TS]

  was up and I know what I almost use that [TS]

  so so interested was I in my own [TS]

  opinions about these things that I [TS]

  almost use that as my essay to get into [TS]

  the good school and for some reason on [TS]

  the fast thinking level I could never in [TS]

  a million years tell you i did this i [TS]

  sat down at my manual typewriter because [TS]

  I thought it was Tom Waits [TS]

  and I wrote a three-page essay called [TS]

  plum knuckles and that was a slightly [TS]

  humorous essay about how my family [TS]

  wanted me to quit cracking my knuckles [TS]

  and i wrote a way to call it was that [TS]

  where Jeong Rob John Hodgman fabulous i [TS]

  made a kind of fantastic version of what [TS]

  would happen to me if I kept cracking my [TS]

  knuckles it was marginally funny [TS]

  it wouldn't be finding by today's [TS]

  standards introduction of a good school [TS]

  and for the love of Christ and you know [TS]

  what they said they said well first of [TS]

  all like you're five percenter like [TS]

  you're one of those like helmet kids [TS]

  were pretty sure it's going to have to [TS]

  leave but we're going to give you a shot [TS]

  and you know y SI ya failed due to [TS]

  failed two classes when I was a senior i [TS]

  felt ocean science and music theory i [TS]

  told you this and that was that s all [TS]

  I'm trying to say to John Rother I'm [TS]

  sorry talking so much [TS]

  no it's all right i just had a breed of [TS]

  some sorry I'm trying to say is that the [TS]

  essay let's go back to the sunset [TS]

  magazine school you know I mean the [TS]

  essay matters in your case the essay is [TS]

  maybe what saved you from even getting [TS]

  into some kind of reform school [TS]

  you knew to write a bad essay and that [TS]

  helped you write i'm just wondering why [TS]

  you why it didn't occur to you to apply [TS]

  to a school out of outside of florida [TS]

  doe-doe rain Joe school I went to I mom [TS]

  from modest backgrounds school I went to [TS]

  out the door [TS]

  including food and the bunk the whole [TS]

  nine exclusive books hundred bucks your [TS]

  600 lift baskets and Confederate scrip [TS]

  so wrong with that is about five out of [TS]

  five or six grand you had oceanography [TS]

  classes in high school and ocean science [TS]

  ocean science done by a very very small [TS]

  man a very small man that I had a lot of [TS]

  problems with all right I refused is [TS]

  excited i've been pressed that was a [TS]

  high school level courses at your school [TS]

  although i guess i guess that's one of [TS]

  the advantages of being from florida i [TS]

  think we startled studied salinity for [TS]

  14 weeks [TS]

  oh because people kept getting kept [TS]

  answering false to salt i found that i [TS]

  found out yesterday that cocaine is [TS]

  assault [TS]

  are you kidding me it's got a CL in it [TS]

  yeah well there's a version of there's a [TS]

  version of it which is assault and then [TS]

  there's another version which is why [TS]

  don't they add a lot of cl HCL's like [TS]

  the ephedrine of previous note like [TS]

  that's in HCL was HDL do is that kind of [TS]

  like putting in one of those little [TS]

  packets to keep it dry [TS]

  where's HCL destabilize that you study [TS]

  chemistry uh you know it's a the magic [TS]

  chloride makes its think thing in it [TS]

  makes your she just said it makes your [TS]

  nose all fucked up and I have no idea no [TS]

  you know what the cocaine is a it's a [TS]

  it's a blood vessel inhibitor I don't [TS]

  know what to do I don't know why there's [TS]

  some that are salts and some that are I [TS]

  just know that when you're free basing [TS]

  it the basic version of it is not [TS]

  assault as opposed to the acidic version [TS]

  you i'm just guessing John in the day we [TS]

  don't have time to go into this in [TS]

  detail we got a lot of things to cover [TS]

  here [TS]

  yeah but i'm guessing when you went to [TS]

  parties in the day when you really went [TS]

  the fuck two parties you are you're not [TS]

  asking about the acidity or baseness of [TS]

  a given thing on a plate that was in [TS]

  lines maybe I'd Frampton record you guys [TS]

  have mirrors what did you use when [TS]

  you're I was grunge era cocaine know [TS]

  that that you know i came late to [TS]

  cocaine I uh the the think the glory [TS]

  days of cocaine the less than zero days [TS]

  who were already passed and by the by [TS]

  the crunch time at least in my world I [TS]

  mean I know there's definitely lots of [TS]

  people who were still living the dream [TS]

  I think that's the cocaine works you [TS]

  tend to use it for a while well yeah but [TS]

  but but the way you use it changes and [TS]

  now by the time I got into 10 to the [TS]

  more serious drugs it was the crack era [TS]

  at least at the up at the low level of [TS]

  life that I was living room so most of [TS]

  my cocaine and methamphetamine intake [TS]

  was was freebasing Oh John Roderick [TS]

  really well i mean i wasn't fancy i was [TS]

  living a fantasy life where I was doing [TS]

  rails of pure cocaine off of your very [TS]

  attractive you're very practical man you [TS]

  song hatchet song hatchet don't have a [TS]

  story by hit your head you know we [TS]

  shouldn't get into this now [TS]

  now that was a bit Crocker cake or was [TS]

  from scratch cake [TS]

  no artist artists channel is duncan [TS]

  hines this just because it was bumped it [TS]

  was bumping around the closet now I'm [TS]

  saying bumping around [TS]

  now everything sounds like a cocaine [TS]

  reference i thought i thought it sounded [TS]

  like guys like a dance song pop oh no [TS]

  that the that my problem is an end and [TS]

  this is what my my brain is my brain is [TS]

  shrinking because uh because I've been [TS]

  AI haven't been sleeping [TS]

  uh-huh yeah and you teach your trouble [TS]

  falling asleep or staying asleep but I [TS]

  don't have trouble staying asleep i have [TS]

  trouble falling asleep [TS]

  I've never been able to go to sleep but [TS]

  it's very you've always been a Late Late [TS]

  go to sleep / I'm a very late go to [TS]

  sleep or but but but lately I that [TS]

  lateness has just been prolonged to the [TS]

  point of then its day we do the wrap [TS]

  around again and yeah and it's in the [TS]

  phone starts ringing in people are [TS]

  pounding on the door and i can't i have [TS]

  to get up after have to join the world [TS]

  and nobody comes to my door and I'm so [TS]

  glad [TS]

  well your door is up a flight of stairs [TS]

  it's hard to see from the street but [TS]

  people come to my door because they're [TS]

  all its other always on suicide watch [TS]

  you know there's always somebody coming [TS]

  by going LOL free limit for you offer [TS]

  you still there haven't heard from you [TS]

  in a while [TS]

  okay goodnight over that they have a [TS]

  name for that with the cops there's a [TS]

  name for that what they call that a [TS]

  service patrol let somebody with the [TS]

  yellow that you get the yellow flight [TS]

  you don't get the red flashing light [TS]

  anymore its kind of a threat it's a guy [TS]

  in a minivan [TS]

  uh-huh it's just that's fine goes mag [TS]

  mag and he given the high i'm gonna let [TS]

  me see both hands John both hands [TS]

  through the through the curtains still [TS]

  hear the community service withdrawal [TS]

  actually did come check up on you want [TS]

  to talk years and years ago 1992 or [TS]

  something like that they I the people in [TS]

  my life had not heard from me and weeks [TS]

  and they sent the community service [TS]

  patrol recall for that like 511 kind of [TS]

  thing 311 it's a I you know having never [TS]

  called them on somebody else i have no [TS]

  way of knowing how you can get guess [TS]

  County Extension simply you saying [TS]

  people you call to get skin care how [TS]

  about at the front at the front of the [TS]

  yellow pages in those those blue pages [TS]

  at the front or whatever i guess that [TS]

  the numbers in there [TS]

  I called before digging yeah [TS]

  skin-removal all before digging come [TS]

  before doing in a floral you call candy [TS]

  it's a cock gonna call candy i don't [TS]

  know i was candy what candy left at the [TS]

  change a lot of fucking vans [TS]

  well ya candy was probably an [TS]

  anachronism and an acronym it's brian an [TS]

  Americanism uh-huh [TS]

  Wow a skink you know I welfare check [TS]

  that's what they call it i think it's [TS]

  called a welfare check [TS]

  that's when they bring the power over [TS]

  there check they bring the Prowler over [TS]

  there if they leave it right it they can [TS]

  buy hasn't anybody in there okay right [TS]

  one guys it's like guys hanging back [TS]

  he's got his hand you know it's here [TS]

  ya know know that it's usually it's [TS]

  usually that they're there unarmed you [TS]

  know they come within the guy the guy [TS]

  doesn't have a hand on his hip he's got [TS]

  his keys carrying a giant net in most [TS]

  cases you know I kick you like a huge [TS]

  net that you would use to to catch [TS]

  skinks or whatever if they're ever seen [TS]

  a skink know because I'm from the north [TS]

  we don't have skinks in the north of [TS]

  shrews choose i think phil the same [TS]

  level up on the food chain I'm not [TS]

  second that with a ten-foot pole [TS]

  no not you wouldn't touch a skank with a [TS]

  ten-foot pole it has a blue tongue the [TS]

  skin right around the time i was getting [TS]

  divorced my wife moved out I went out to [TS]

  the mailbox and this is just probably [TS]

  about a week before I moved to [TS]

  California I don't make MIT not accurate [TS]

  but it was in my in my head I know [TS]

  Justin elliott smith so it must have [TS]

  been 1999 and I am and I there was a [TS]

  like a skink III in my memory it was [TS]

  severed like you lost his tail but you [TS]

  know it's kinda like just if you imagine [TS]

  like us a pointy snake with little arms [TS]

  and coming you know it so yeah so smooth [TS]

  it's really it's really if i'm pretty [TS]

  sure it's a skank and we have to but it [TS]

  was real it was real weird looking and [TS]

  it felt very like Marquez it felt like [TS]

  the skin was telling me something oh [TS]

  that's a skink i'm pretty sure it's a [TS]

  skink it was telling you something [TS]

  doesn't you know if you went out to your [TS]

  mailbox right after you and your lady [TS]

  broke up and you saw a fucking broken [TS]

  skink by the mailbox literally by the [TS]

  mailbox you wouldn't you take it as a [TS]

  sign Harbinger or an omen or [TS]

  who I i'm not sure that i am not sure i [TS]

  would wear that dress connection when I [TS]

  do I do [TS]

  there are crows there are crows that [TS]

  come around that I definitely take as [TS]

  harbingers of closer pretty big right [TS]

  like bigger than you think [TS]

  crows are bigger than you think Ravens [TS]

  are much more recent giant fucking Birds [TS]

  in our Park that are freaking me out and [TS]

  I thought for a while I thought they [TS]

  were crows but not been wondering if the [TS]

  Ravens because they're kind of the color [TS]

  of Superman's hair that kind of [TS]

  blue-black color [TS]

  mmm they're scary shit and those beady [TS]

  little older I get jon the more I'm [TS]

  freaked out by Birds little eyes [TS]

  yeah the little eyes on birds well a [TS]

  raven will have a very different profile [TS]

  than a crow a radio has a Roman nose and [TS]

  they're big and black and also they can [TS]

  open doors anything like introduce you [TS]

  to producers that and also I mean you'll [TS]

  find one in your bathroom and John [TS]

  landsberg landsberg crowd as he opens a [TS]

  lot of doors your raven he's very light [TS]

  guy [TS]

  ok is pretty polite yeah I wouldn't say [TS]

  very polite i feel like i should be [TS]

  differentially was very nice to me [TS]

  no he's he's extremely polite but [TS]

  there's happening it's man seriously a [TS]

  pickle here United it implies that the [TS]

  letter is a light yes it's like one of [TS]

  his main trades and i would say [TS]

  politeness is a substrate right okay um [TS]

  and so basically you're saying the music [TS]

  business there's Ravens crows and then [TS]

  there's probably goals and pelicans [TS]

  there you're an animal farm John can I [TS]

  just say if you quit overthinking this [TS]

  bullshit you could sit down and [TS]

  literally write the next animal farm [TS]

  except that it might be about the music [TS]

  industry [TS]

  these are the birds i think most people [TS]

  in the music industry are Blue Jays [TS]

  fourth inches inches or cute or you know [TS]

  the the the most prominent bird [TS]

  represented in the music industry is the [TS]

  is the my god see what I'm see what I'm [TS]

  up against today [TS]

  yeah I think you gotta start thinking a [TS]

  lot faster and not having any luck [TS]

  thinking because of this the lack of [TS]

  sleep and it isn't a question of [TS]

  tiredness it's a question of brain [TS]

  shrinkage [TS]

  yeah see there's the problem can't few [TS]

  nights ago this is this happens to me [TS]

  periodically and it's gonna sound crazy [TS]

  but but I I I get into my head about [TS]

  UFOs now hold on bear with me [TS]

  it's not that sounds crazy but it's not [TS]

  i get into my LOL i hope it's not i get [TS]

  into my head about UFOs most of the time [TS]

  i go through life i'm i'm a i-i-i don't [TS]

  think about UFOs and it's the it's the [TS]

  same problem as I have with ghosts [TS]

  I don't believe in ghosts yeah but if [TS]

  I'm staying for a long weekend in a [TS]

  house in Vermont that was built in [TS]

  seventeen sixty or where the [TS]

  Confederates the game and catch you when [TS]

  you're here [TS]

  exactly so let ourselves veteran [TS]

  soldiers that came marching across the [TS]

  park in san francisco where of course [TS]

  there were no Confederate soldiers at [TS]

  any time there are times when ghosts [TS]

  present themselves and then i have to [TS]

  have to confront her i have to [TS]

  acknowledge that the ghosts are there [TS]

  whether i believe in them or not this is [TS]

  the problem [TS]

  I don't believe in them but they're [TS]

  sometimes when they're there you just [TS]

  have to get you just have to acknowledge [TS]

  that there there yes irrespective of [TS]

  whether you believe in them or not and [TS]

  this is the same problem i have with [TS]

  UFOs i don't i'm not looking you what [TS]

  you can't prove a negative right you get [TS]

  well you can't prove a negative but but [TS]

  more importantly if I'm not thinking [TS]

  about UFOs then new phones are not a [TS]

  problem but as soon as I start to think [TS]

  about UFOs assume something plants that [TS]

  seed in my head then all of a sudden I'm [TS]

  seeing things things out of the corner [TS]

  of my eye that could be aliens who have [TS]

  come to probe me huh [TS]

  and much like it like an interview on [TS]

  your time you talked about the basement [TS]

  talking about the basement yeah not [TS]

  probably physically but probe me to see [TS]

  if I am perhaps a good candidate to be [TS]

  the human [TS]

  interlocutor or between the alien a [TS]

  super race and the Earthlings that John [TS]

  Roderick of Mars [TS]

  oh yeah or just sort of like the what [TS]

  would you call the Prime Minister of the [TS]

  new colony but Rocco ok you can be like [TS]

  that definition Chamberlain exactly so [TS]

  they're just they're just learning [TS]

  we're just learning about me just have [TS]

  to get it just it really were just [TS]

  talking at this point John to that we're [TS]

  not now we're just this is what we're [TS]

  just were just aliens talk about this [TS]

  because this is your process and thank [TS]

  God they go through my stuff they look [TS]

  at my glasses they kind of get a sense [TS]

  of my aesthetic and probably checking to [TS]

  see if you notice things out of the [TS]

  corner of your eye because when you're [TS]

  the Venusian Prime Minister lot of [TS]

  talking you know she was actually this [TS]

  is the thing they're not gonna come [TS]

  right out and say if they're not we're [TS]

  not going to sit down a girl at a table [TS]

  from one another and they're going to [TS]

  present me with a series of questions [TS]

  like they might not have a mouse when I [TS]

  have mouth in a conventional cell but [TS]

  they could even do this telepathically [TS]

  or psionically they could say that if if [TS]

  if one of your co-workers were was [TS]

  stealing paper clips and you knew about [TS]

  it would you a reported ve tell them not [TS]

  to and orsi do nothing they could be [TS]

  doing all this to have a conventional [TS]

  Roman alphabet the aliens see you know [TS]

  they haven't revealed anything about [TS]

  themselves really except that bae [TS]

  there's a lot of layers a lot of layers [TS]

  to this because someone asked if you [TS]

  don't absolutely the primary slender and [TS]

  one of the things they do is they [TS]

  rattled my windows when it's windy you [TS]

  know like you could say it's just windy [TS]

  and the windows are rattling they might [TS]

  think that's your resume and they're [TS]

  just trying to get a copy [TS]

  they don't know they're literally from [TS]

  Venus and they're they're figuring [TS]

  they're figuring out our world even as [TS]

  they're trying to find your place in it [TS]

  whether you would be the appropriate [TS]

  person to lead and women figuring out [TS]

  our world through me by watching me [TS]

  respond to stimuli which is that [TS]

  remotely with that would be leaving [TS]

  Leslie over the phone or with something [TS]

  where you have to have a lot of face [TS]

  time with the Venetians like that if you [TS]

  accepted the position if it were off [TS]

  take a step back if we offered to you [TS]

  you checked it out you know you can you [TS]

  can get everything everything like [TS]

  salary is that something you do mostly [TS]

  viable [TS]

  conference causes this is one of the [TS]

  things about dealing with these people [TS]

  these beings that you don't even know [TS]

  what you're looking at they could be [TS]

  ectoplasm who are just taking the form [TS]

  of a little green man in order to make [TS]

  you feel more secure like that scene in [TS]

  contact with jodie foster is talking to [TS]

  her dad that the moment she's on the [TS]

  jukebox not talking about machine [TS]

  well okay it was that have Matthew [TS]

  McConaughey was in it which is the only [TS]

  reason I know this is the Carlson is the [TS]

  cross st. Matthew McConaughey yeah this [TS]

  is carl sagan but this movie was cast [TS]

  was cast by monkeys and Matthew [TS]

  McConaughey was in it playing that a [TS]

  religious person and Matthew McConaughey [TS]

  to me represents the most callow human [TS]

  male in the in the cosmos and every time [TS]

  I see him in a film where he's playing [TS]

  anything other than a surfer douchebag [TS]

  I'm like you what why how did he get [TS]

  cast in this fifth in this movie but [TS]

  anyway that's all that's all [TS]

  neither here nor there what happened was [TS]

  the few nights ago I was in the bathtub [TS]

  as you do who I heard this I heard this [TS]

  this this repetitive sort of slamming it [TS]

  was it wasn't it wasn't enough it wasn't [TS]

  rhythmic it was kind of like off time [TS]

  like you know slam slam slam syncopated [TS]

  some sort of syncopated I'm and I'm and [TS]

  I'm it sounded like somebody was kicking [TS]

  my front door then and i'm sitting in [TS]

  the bathtub and I'm like this isn't a [TS]

  sound that I want in the middle of the [TS]

  night during a rainstorm is not the [TS]

  usual way the community service people [TS]

  now so maybe they usually come in the [TS]

  mornings so I'm putting that's not and i [TS]

  rightly if somebody's kicking your front [TS]

  door they're probably gonna do it more [TS]

  rhythmic that's going to be in time [TS]

  right there go Bam Bam Bam but it was it [TS]

  wasn't like a night of the Long Knives [TS]

  kind of like we're trying to knock this [TS]

  down it was more like they were like [TS]

  testing testing the panels where [TS]

  somewhere in between it was ok so you if [TS]

  you want to kick in somebody's front [TS]

  door [TS]

  you don't need to take more than about [TS]

  three swings and it i don't care how [TS]

  many dead bolts it has got a warm-up but [TS]

  a but but it didn't sound like somebody [TS]

  was trying to kick the door in but it [TS]

  did sound like that said the door was [TS]

  you know going [TS]

  it was really there somebody was [TS]

  pounding on the door so i get out of the [TS]

  bathtub the middle of the night three [TS]

  o'clock in the morning and put my robe [TS]

  on and i play my hands on the nearest [TS]

  sort of anti human weapon device that I [TS]

  have a closest to me sort probably uh [TS]

  let's call it a sword and I go down the [TS]

  stairs and the eye in the back of my [TS]

  house I have French doors which a gust [TS]

  of wind it was a big storm and disgusted [TS]

  wind had dusted so strong way that it [TS]

  had pushed open the French doors even [TS]

  though they were dead bolted because the [TS]

  French doors are because its center [TS]

  because the shotty concept the French [TS]

  doors it's terrible like it's a French [TS]

  concept and that it's a bad idea [TS]

  French they're super easy to get there [TS]

  oh yeah you should have any time you [TS]

  have French doors you should also have [TS]

  like another set of doors like that you [TS]

  should have a couple eventually [TS]

  eventually convince the American doors [TS]

  to help out [TS]

  you should have used yeah that's right [TS]

  the front door should open into a [TS]

  vestibule and there should be one [TS]

  American door to get out of that [TS]

  containment area but anyway so the rain [TS]

  is pouring in and the doors are slamming [TS]

  you know in the wind and and I'm [TS]

  standing there soaking wet in a bathrobe [TS]

  heavily armed all alone in the house and [TS]

  my first thought is well of course the [TS]

  UFOs UFOs have come this is how it [TS]

  always happens the person comes down out [TS]

  of the bathtub they closed the doors and [TS]

  and they do a security check of their [TS]

  own but they're the aliens are in there [TS]

  in they get there in somehow now they're [TS]

  in the air they're hiding in the oven or [TS]

  there [TS]

  I don't know where they go with your [TS]

  girlfriend into the sink yeah so for the [TS]

  last four days I haven't haven't been [TS]

  able to sleep i'll be walking around on [TS]

  my looking in drawers and pettite do you [TS]

  feel do you feel that you feel that [TS]

  there might be some kind [TS]

  I'm saying like setting aside that if [TS]

  they are active plasm they didn't really [TS]

  need to open the doors except as some [TS]

  kind of a way of helping you understand [TS]

  me the plane that you exist on that they [TS]

  are there [TS]

  yep here with me right so you could [TS]

  essentially be in the waiting room you [TS]

  know for some kind of an interview but [TS]

  setting that aside this is a hospital [TS]

  not necessarily they didn't break the [TS]

  doors but it isn't friendly either [TS]

  that's what would you what would you if [TS]

  you were for the sake of argument being [TS]

  approached by probably non-existent UFOs [TS]

  what he could be a friend that brand [TS]

  cake and a space cake [TS]

  no you know what friendly thing would be [TS]

  kind of in a community service patrol [TS]

  mode during the day to come by and say [TS]

  either you know and then I know that [TS]

  they can't come by during the day [TS]

  because people would see them and take [TS]

  pictures of them but they could come [TS]

  into my mind and say things other than [TS]

  the voices that are in my head already [TS]

  telling me but I think that I just think [TS]

  it'd take a distinct new voice a new [TS]

  voice and clear clarion call that would [TS]

  write about that for cake another cake [TS]

  or have another cup have another pot of [TS]

  coffee crazy person [TS]

  mhm it would be a new voice that came in [TS]

  and said hello earthly well that'd be [TS]

  able to be friendly let's say they've [TS]

  taken the extra steps there mean [TS]

  51-percent and they have decided smooth [TS]

  see now i'm assuming that you wouldn't [TS]

  mind somebody human being at your door [TS]

  but it's just for the sake of argument [TS]

  let's say you don't mind people at your [TS]

  house [TS]

  I don't want any humans coming by i [TS]

  understand that well okay then let's [TS]

  let's take it and turn it in order for [TS]

  them to come to you in a way that would [TS]

  be presentable to maybe give you some [TS]

  kind of evolution java I don't just [TS]

  limit this 2222 venusaur or Uranus for [TS]

  or how do you say that you say how do [TS]

  you say your ins you really do so [TS]

  I just didn't feel journalist ok you're [TS]

  in this is how you describe something [TS]

  that'll sting about the familiar and is [TS]

  still stinging about the bluetooth thing [TS]

  I brought my daughter booking a pluton [TS]

  fucking pissed me off just as you said [TS]

  that I looked over at the bookshelf here [TS]

  at at a book that i have that says in [TS]

  big letters Plato Plato and he said [TS]

  Pluto and I have this book called Plato [TS]

  a it's a totalitarian or Democrat by a [TS]

  guy named orson about a Democrat or [TS]

  false dilemma i know i know that [TS]

  foursome is a name that's close to your [TS]

  heart it is their stance in lansing my [TS]

  favorites and for someone wrote this [TS]

  wrote this with false dichotomy book [TS]

  totalitarian a Democrat puedo that see [TS]

  now if you are in a state of mind where [TS]

  you were literally listening listening [TS]

  to cake talk in the desire for coffee [TS]

  and bass if you were listening to that [TS]

  voice in your head is there some part of [TS]

  you the go play doh dialogues Pluto two [TS]

  people talking and find some kind of [TS]

  connection and what just happened is now [TS]

  it or you're not that superstitious [TS]

  you're not that magical in your thinking [TS]

  I'm not a died typically i'm not but now [TS]

  you're slow thinking about it i'm slow [TS]

  thinking and it does it's not helping me [TS]

  I'm looking around I'm going well sure [TS]

  how do I know that anything is anything [TS]

  how do I know that this isn't all just [TS]

  some kind of Jodi that address that's [TS]

  addressed in one of one of the dialogue [TS]

  forget probably something actually or [TS]

  something [TS]

  mythology it's it's it's the it's the [TS]

  myth of the cave or whatever player down [TS]

  it's a republic that's a whole other [TS]

  deal that's a whole other deal attitude [TS]

  is totally illogical argument I'm trying [TS]

  to I'm trying to put you at ease and I [TS]

  don't know if that can I don't put you [TS]

  at anything I'm just trying to say that [TS]

  if aliens were going like an [TS]

  availability heuristic okay i think what [TS]

  would happen is they understand that in [TS]

  order to get you to even kind of pick up [TS]

  the phone [TS]

  the Venusian phone they would have to [TS]

  come to you in a form that you [TS]

  understand so the question I'm asking [TS]

  you for priming the pump [TS]

  okay so here's the thing those French [TS]

  doors do not open themselves they were [TS]

  they were literally dead bolted so [TS]

  assuming let's just say for the sake of [TS]

  argument in your home right now where [TS]

  they can hear you might be the people [TS]

  who are keeping you awake at night and [TS]

  getting you in that tub [TS]

  what do you say to them as you sit here [TS]

  right now [TS]

  to make this easier on both of you if [TS]

  someone were gonna come and try to [TS]

  present themselves as but i think you [TS]

  called planting a seed a UFO see if they [TS]

  were coming it what would be the best [TS]

  way to approach you should they write a [TS]

  letter [TS]

  well no I would say if they were [TS]

  listening right now i would say listen [TS]

  they're probably listening right now if [TS]

  they're in your home if they can make it [TS]

  through a French door they can / they [TS]

  can overhear right but they could be [TS]

  they could be fans of this podcast to I [TS]

  mean they could be listening a lot of [TS]

  that could be why they're coming but [TS]

  they could be coming by your house [TS]

  account for the second listener your [TS]

  lady and how do you think he listened in [TS]

  the van [TS]

  yeah they're on their way on their way [TS]

  down how do i would be receptive to that [TS]

  I mean say listen if this is a job [TS]

  interview [TS]

  I'm going to consider any offers but we [TS]

  have to talk about compensation and we [TS]

  have to talk about you know like I don't [TS]

  want to be just a mouthpiece I want a [TS]

  little bit of I want the opportunity to [TS]

  be individualistic in my work i'm not [TS]

  i'm not a crime not accompany guy you [TS]

  know what I mean like I say want me to [TS]

  be the prime minister of Venus or [TS]

  whatever I mean I have to have a certain [TS]

  amount of autonomy and it can't be false [TS]

  autonomy than I don't think i have would [TS]

  it be would it be a republic would be [TS]

  the kind of Republican monarchy do you [TS]

  think do you think that you'd be serving [TS]

  alongside somebody like a queen [TS]

  elizabeth mission queen elizabeth the [TS]

  second because because you know the [TS]

  Prime Minister is the one is really [TS]

  holding the keys as i understand it [TS]

  yeah but I feel like I feel like there [TS]

  should be kind of a slightly that I mean [TS]

  there there there should be a parliament [TS]

  where people from all over the world [TS]

  come and sit in a giant sort of concert [TS]

  hall shaped ok like the last two star [TS]

  wars movies would be like to be like [TS]

  lots of public meetings I never saw that [TS]

  ok but i have to assume that yeah are as [TS]

  i understood at those meetings were [TS]

  those movies were just a lot of [TS]

  exposition right there was no nothing [TS]

  happening just a lot of people [TS]

  expository seriously to we're talking [TS]

  puppet meanings [TS]

  it's lots of meetings public meetings [TS]

  but ok now here's the other thing but [TS]

  wait outside please go ahead [TS]

  is it could it could it could be that [TS]

  it's not a job interview it could be [TS]

  something else are they going to get to [TS]

  you John you're not sleeping much they [TS]

  don't have a way to get into your dreams [TS]

  yeah i mean that's incredible too okay [TS]

  well that's not a native Native America [TS]

  that is how a lot of job offers were [TS]

  tendered is either through either a keg [TS]

  beer or some kind of visitation [TS]

  sometimes involving mushrooms sometimes [TS]

  a Mesa attribute don't take the [TS]

  mushrooms anymore exactly and I'm going [TS]

  to circle back to this I want to talk [TS]

  about whether we think right so you're [TS]

  saying that the normal channels of [TS]

  accessing me through dream linkedin and [TS]

  later like are you on LinkedIn I don't [TS]

  even accept linkedin invitation I didn't [TS]

  I regret it i don't know i don't know [TS]

  what the fuck I was thinking to be on [TS]

  linkedin so they're trying to reach me [TS]

  by normal channels and they can't so [TS]

  they're coming through the door in the [TS]

  middle of the night is that that's that [TS]

  I that makes sense to me [TS]

  imagine like you got this creepy girls [TS]

  that like your band like they're not [TS]

  going to come right up to you probably [TS]

  and say like i wanna i want a lock of [TS]

  your hair or you know touchscreen or [TS]

  whatever and they're kind of did they do [TS]

  that [TS]

  yeah I figure they just would rattle [TS]

  your doors a little bit he's gonna go [TS]

  right I'm here I don't say touch your [TS]

  screwed they won't touch your scrotum [TS]

  because most girls nowadays at least two [TS]

  are fans of bands want to pretend that [TS]

  sex has nothing to do with there being [TS]

  fan that's why they got the facebook is [TS]

  that when they have a facebook is the [TS]

  new version of cupping balls gently i [TS]

  think i don't know and i deactivated my [TS]

  account dots there are so many people on [TS]

  facebook that i don't want to ever cut [TS]

  my balls gently or otherwise you should [TS]

  deactivate your account that's part of [TS]

  your problem i have thought about it [TS]

  I've thought about it but I'm afraid [TS]

  you're afraid that we adopt doppelganger [TS]

  John representing your wall [TS]

  well no it's just the effect it's going [TS]

  to have on my Klout score was that with [TS]

  the k yeah I was being facetious [TS]

  I think I think you're maybe I don't [TS]

  tell you how to run your life John [TS]

  I'm just thinking you might not be [TS]

  thinking both big enough and small [TS]

  enough to be I think you should think [TS]

  big enough that if you were being [TS]

  offered a Venusian position of some kind [TS]

  you know what if I were revolution [TS]

  coming to John and rattling is fucking [TS]

  French doors I would be saying you know [TS]

  what John could we have your wisdom by [TS]

  roxy to come in and literally in invent [TS]

  an entire voltage Sean that might [TS]

  involve it might involve a parliament [TS]

  turn it might well i got all scared I've [TS]

  got up when I'm not even worried about [TS]

  that John my concern is how are they [TS]

  gonna get to you you should have you [TS]

  should offer you should maybe you should [TS]

  offer a hand to them you know i'm [TS]

  available and i think part of part of [TS]

  the reason [TS]

  I'm talking about this openly at risk of [TS]

  sounding like a crazy person on because [TS]

  I want them to know that I know and then [TS]

  i'm here i'm not i'm not too rattled by [TS]

  it i mean i-i think I think going a few [TS]

  sleepless nights on the scale of what [TS]

  potential human reactions to having [TS]

  aliens come kick down their door in the [TS]

  middle and I I think that's pretty [TS]

  mellow right [TS]

  yes I think that shows that talking [TS]

  about running an entire fucking planet [TS]

  John yeah yeah so I so I wander around [TS]

  the house in a bathrobe with a you know [TS]

  bristling with the guns and swords but [TS]

  not i'm not it's not like every time I [TS]

  round a corner i'm like like spike [TS]

  swishing the air with a sword or [TS]

  something i'm going to just carry it in [TS]

  case that won't happen to like probably [TS]

  februari I'm hoping that it doesn't last [TS]

  that long i hope i'm hoping that they [TS]

  either tender a job offer or they move [TS]

  on but a but I you know I don't want to [TS]

  but you said you know sharing this house [TS]

  there yeah right [TS]

  no you don't sound needy about it which [TS]

  I love I think that reads so [TS]

  well-adjusted movie full metal jacket [TS]

  the ceiling kubrick movie it was one of [TS]

  the best parts that maybe I think and [TS]

  apart from the first half just mostly [TS]

  just the first half [TS]

  he's out I'm you're born again hard I [TS]

  talking about r lee ermey the man who [TS]

  played the sergeant earlier me really [TS]

  really really squandered my you [TS]

  squandered the authority that he always [TS]

  kick cable TV [TS]

  yeah because of that stupid that's what [TS]

  television show he's blowing up [TS]

  watermelons with a but like you know [TS]

  homemade cannons and thinking you're [TS]

  thinking Gallagher for his brother who [TS]

  was impersonating him galleries brother [TS]

  impersonating him for a while I didn't [TS]

  know that and I i read a read an [TS]

  interesting [TS]

  oh you know what it was i read an [TS]

  interesting live-tweet review of a [TS]

  Gallagher show that the cam Camarena [TS]

  that sounds like a memory now that [TS]

  really made me believe it really it [TS]

  absolved me from ever needing to see a [TS]

  Gallagher show imagine being Gallagher [TS]

  like how much science [TS]

  and in fact that you're not like now [TS]

  you're having to compete with this [TS]

  doppelganger version of yourself but you [TS]

  know the story of modern Gallagher rite [TS]

  which is that he's a xenophobe like [TS]

  using and he's a racist 030 stairs [TS]

  little stony is what I heard I heard he [TS]

  smokes smokes smokes smokes a lot of the [TS]

  we don't currently know he's like a [TS]

  crazy tea party boy here like hates the [TS]

  Mexicans crazy how do you think that I'm [TS]

  not fucking vacations can breathe pics [TS]

  those fucking watermelons you think it's [TS]

  white guys with mustaches meandering [TS]

  hammers now you've brought in full [TS]

  circle of tea party here's one here's [TS]

  what i want to take you back before [TS]

  cable TV even existed i want to get back [TS]

  to nineteen eighty-seven here's what [TS]

  happened Goomer give you existed in [TS]

  nineteen me something I don't think [TS]

  that's accurate [TS]

  Stanley Kubrick was going to make this [TS]

  movie and so you know such an [TS]

  interesting guy i mean i I'm so [TS]

  fascinated by Stanley Kubrick in general [TS]

  very intimidating guy much like you may [TS]

  be heard voices [TS]

  he he looks like John Bonham food and he [TS]

  looks like my friend Adam doesn't know [TS]

  well he looks a little like Adam but [TS]

  it's they both look a little like John [TS]

  Bottomly charbon past lot late period [TS]

  john bonham Littlejohn bottom now right [TS]

  he's a have seemed laying down [TS]

  yeah he's thinner and so he knew i had [TS]

  to get all this stuff right now by the [TS]

  way Parris Island I think it's for [TS]

  ladies now I think their silence for [TS]

  letting me sound like they have dudes at [TS]

  Parris Island anymore they put them [TS]

  somewhere else for something so so he [TS]

  knew that he needed somebody who [TS]

  understood what the circuit what 67-68 [TS]

  Parris Island experience would be like [TS]

  so he brought in this consultant earlier [TS]

  me earlier me he brought in a consultant [TS]

  and the consultants job was to make sure [TS]

  that you know everything was up to snow [TS]

  the story goes just too interesting [TS]

  parts to this story I think the first [TS]

  interesting part is he was brought in [TS]

  you know and actor the talent if you [TS]

  like this cricket picked it was buggin [TS]

  early army he felt like he was not [TS]

  getting it right right and so you know [TS]

  the story [TS]

  no he goes to Stanley Kubrick and got [TS]

  mega well he went up to him as a [TS]

  consultant you know he's on he's on the [TS]

  market [TS]

  remember this is probably happening in [TS]

  England so he's out of his element he's [TS]

  probably gonna wear you know Micah he's [TS]

  gotta wear Mufti we call it that's when [TS]

  you're in [TS]

  you know civilian clothes and Buffy I [TS]

  thought that was a grain like that and [TS]

  North African grain I think you think [TS]

  that other kubrick movie Strangelove [TS]

  president muffin [TS]

  so anyway he goes stanley kubrick mrs. [TS]

  look mr. Kubik this is not working out [TS]

  this guy it nobody who's ever been in [TS]

  the rain should see this guy and you [TS]

  know right that was like thank you very [TS]

  much please you know get give your notes [TS]

  to my assistant and r lee ermey fucking [TS]

  goes into full-on r lee ermey mode in [TS]

  Stanley Kubrick's face scares the living [TS]

  shit out of stanley kubrick by doing [TS]

  basically what he's saying this actor is [TS]

  not doing and Kubrick is blown away by [TS]

  it i think that's a very interesting [TS]

  story but here's where it gets great [TS]

  cubicles ok alright we would let me just [TS]

  let me just interject this is absolutely [TS]

  approach i'm gonna take if the aliens is [TS]

  missus is why bring it up [TS]

  that's why bring it up all right go [TS]

  ahead the the next part of what we're [TS]

  going to come straight back this you [TS]

  know what I'm can just be honest with [TS]

  you I'm not really i'm tearing up cake [TS]

  in rem band Christ it's like it's like [TS]

  it's like you know Rex Harrison meets a [TS]

  man nice shot [TS]

  his name is singing a horrible era [TS]

  except for that steal my sunshine song [TS]

  get that get that of Evelyn champagne [TS]

  king who is that with that sample is [TS]

  number one record in the country the [TS]

  landing about Len I don't know [TS]

  or fastball cake cake who did you get a [TS]

  number one record right before right [TS]

  before the December's had their [TS]

  number-one record [TS]

  hmm he said luck our technical you are [TS]

  in Sergeant are but here's the thing [TS]

  i'll give you a shot at this [TS]

  the thing he just did now for 15 seconds [TS]

  that made me literally shit my actually [TS]

  American pants is is was awesome but [TS]

  here's the thing i will let you do this [TS]

  role but you have to do what you just [TS]

  did for 15 minutes without stopping and [TS]

  without repeating yourself while people [TS]

  throw tennis balls at you haha [TS]

  and although the video has supposedly [TS]

  never been found released whatever he's [TS]

  fucking did it [TS]

  you know you try that haha Megan I'm [TS]

  going to call you w bob i can do it now [TS]

  45 seconds he did it for 15 fucking [TS]

  minutes what people through tennis balls [TS]

  at him wow ok that is how you make a [TS]

  case [TS]

  alright i'm just saying now I've talked [TS]

  about this some of my other program you [TS]

  can just go somewhere and like you know [TS]

  a you know print your resume and like [TS]

  throw it on the fucking Internet you get [TS]

  in there and you say you're gonna hire [TS]

  me jackass do you want if you want to [TS]

  get this Venus shit straightened out [TS]

  you're going to come here and you're [TS]

  gonna find a way to reach me in the tub [TS]

  where I'm literally eating cake not [TS]

  there and and and you you're gonna I'm [TS]

  gonna set you straight i'm gonna grab [TS]

  you by the ectoplasmic version of your [TS]

  lapels and I'm gonna fucking shake your [TS]

  venetian ass until you understand that [TS]

  I'm the man you're hiring your thoughts [TS]

  johner well I had a very long [TS]

  conversation with my 87 year old uncle [TS]

  yesterday about this very topic my 87 [TS]

  and precise on this very missed it this [TS]

  very topic would you do if i called him [TS]

  today on whatever we can be able to tell [TS]

  me what that very topic was absolutely [TS]

  he you know he was saying grab the grab [TS]

  your alien overlords by their [TS]

  ectoplasmic lapels and shake them now [TS]

  he's what he was saying this is this is [TS]

  a problem that he has experience in his [TS]

  own life which is that p.m. he went to [TS]

  Yale College and his and two of his [TS]

  classmates and being people he knew [TS]

  fairly well where george herbert walker [TS]

  bush and uh uh [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  [Music] [TS]