Roderick on the Line

Ep. 20: "We Can All Agree on Cheese"


  hello John how are you hi Merlin e man [TS]

  John ah you just sent me a picture of a [TS]

  chili dog and I'm at once envious and [TS]

  disgusted should be on my end I said [TS]

  that to you you two minutes ago and its [TS]

  menu [TS]

  yeah it's all gone i think the first [TS]

  rule of chili dog is that you should not [TS]

  eat in two minutes [TS]

  item i think the first rule of choice [TS]

  August that you should you should eat it [TS]

  as fast as you can from the driver's [TS]

  seat of a moving volkswagen bus a lot of [TS]

  fumes in a bus going across the george [TS]

  washington bridge that is the that's the [TS]

  first rule of chili bone i like to hear [TS]

  more about that story you yes you so [TS]

  much so much to share Jon in semi [TS]

  stories and I worry i do what i can but [TS]

  I still I still worry that there are so [TS]

  many threads that could become what I [TS]

  guess some kind of a tapestry yeah i [TS]

  know a tapestry still on the first [TS]

  square some kind of very special quilt [TS]

  it's a tapestry that is safety pin to [TS]

  the ceiling of my dorm room so that the [TS]

  harsh light the harsh dorm room light is [TS]

  turned into a beautiful mosaic of colors [TS]

  there any patchouli no God no I and I [TS]

  and Counting patchouli the other day [TS]

  there might be patchouli on the pillow [TS]

  from a from a visitor from guess who [TS]

  but there's no native patchouli you sit [TS]

  around listen to that indigo girls I [TS]

  think some patchouli must have but let's [TS]

  be honest first of all you don't even [TS]

  have to be in the same room as someone [TS]

  with the truly [TS]

  I'm sure it goes through brick like [TS]

  those cable shows about finding ghosts [TS]

  now precisely i mean it could've been [TS]

  there years ago right there let me just [TS]

  let me just say that listening to the [TS]

  Indigo Girls does not like patchouli [TS]

  doesn't pour through the speakers you [TS]

  have to someone with patchouli on has to [TS]

  be in the vicinity food I like I know [TS]

  this for a fact because I listened to [TS]

  the Indigo Girls and diet i'm getting [TS]

  patchouli on me I think you better get [TS]

  it pours itself out in its own time in a [TS]

  very empowered way [TS]

  mhm I this is this is definitely one of [TS]

  those things i think in a weird way that [TS]

  would make neither side happy about it [TS]

  is a lot like axe or roughly as polo Axe [TS]

  body spray Axe body spray and because I [TS]

  I think you become you come in nerd he [TS]

  stopped in so i said that right [TS]

  interested nerd is a newer how do you [TS]

  say oh I newer damn right you in kc quit [TS]

  notice how much you think you know and [TS]

  I've seen this with old ladies in [TS]

  performance lets perfume upon the white [TS]

  shoulders of whatever and you put too [TS]

  much on you don't know it it could be it [TS]

  could become clients obsession I'm [TS]

  telling you once you get into a personal [TS]

  sent you gotta know when to stop and you [TS]

  probably can't which is precisely why i [TS]

  have never worn any kind of scented [TS]

  product i were no scented products of [TS]

  any kind setting aside the military [TS]

  implications well exactly first of all [TS]

  you don't want the Viacom to pick you [TS]

  out of the jungle but second of all you [TS]

  don't want to be walking around with the [TS]

  with brute 45 or whatever on and and [TS]

  it's coming off you and in giant waves [TS]

  like like like on a highway in the [TS]

  desert you know giant waves of stinky [TS]

  cologne but also I learned very early on [TS]

  that I was extremely sensitive to the [TS]

  sense that women wore and if if if a [TS]

  woman was wearing a at perfume or in a [TS]

  lot of cases like a natural oil [TS]

  what are those called an essential oil [TS]

  who it was it was like I became not [TS]

  sexually around food but not all the [TS]

  none of those known as worked on you [TS]

  beautiful girl will not none of them but [TS]

  I don't worry about what about like a [TS]

  ribeye [TS]

  smell ya rabbi mm I mean you know we're [TS]

  going the right way and the right place [TS]

  it could i watch her eating a rib eye in [TS]

  that case yes it that would conquer [TS]

  almost all like sandalwood sighs just [TS]

  just became very very sexy woman eating [TS]

  a stick i love a woman who can really [TS]

  dig into a steak but if I was nuzzling [TS]

  her and all of a sudden I caught a whiff [TS]

  of ribbon no I don't think that like [TS]

  sauteed mushrooms [TS]

  it's funny how you mix those things out [TS]

  of context and caught a paraphilia [TS]

  center of sautéed mushrooms will get me [TS]

  through many many long nights was on [TS]

  side one of your first record i agree on [TS]

  all of these and I I've been I've been [TS]

  guilty of this I've been guilty of that [TS]

  i will say of wearing an essential oil [TS]

  and turning out with boyfriend don't [TS]

  really smell like a steak I've done that [TS]

  I think we've holics without dabbled in [TS]

  the early nineties we were all dabbling [TS]

  with yes truly were dabbling yeah I had [TS]

  a very uncomfortable conversation one [TS]

  time with a girl that I was extremely [TS]

  attracted to their and we ended up [TS]

  dating for a long time but I had to say [TS]

  stop wearing that smell [TS]

  and you know that's a tough that's a [TS]

  tough conversation without over [TS]

  identifying here I mean you can you give [TS]

  me a sense it was a day toilet water [TS]

  smell or was it de la that's water [TS]

  that's what they call you called toilet [TS]

  water which seems like a weird branding [TS]

  decision but up all kinds of water that [TS]

  you could call that was from the French [TS]

  12 laps [TS]

  yeah but in any case no she was a she [TS]

  was kind of an earthy girl and she had [TS]

  chosen she had made the mistake has [TS]

  never been an actual compliment to cost [TS]

  them an earthy that's like that's like [TS]

  calling a woman handsome [TS]

  it depends their girls who would take it [TS]

  as a compliment but she was she actually [TS]

  was an earthy girl and she chose [TS]

  actually with gia gala think mistake [TS]

  which is little bit of her she was a you [TS]

  know she was a sporty girl let's say [TS]

  that she was oh shit shit a big but [TS]

  eventually was a lesbian though you know [TS]

  no no big butt and no lesbian know he [TS]

  was like that you know swimmer dancer [TS]

  sporting hmm um but but earthy like she [TS]

  she did not let's say she did not shy [TS]

  away from perspiration she's not [TS]

  somebody who was who [TS]

  afraid to perspire and she made the [TS]

  category error I think of our choosing [TS]

  for herself an earthy scent you know [TS]

  like a dark musky scent and i said i [TS]

  think really because you are already [TS]

  such a musky the dark musky girl you [TS]

  should choose a light scent like [TS]

  lavender or Primrose you know something [TS]

  flowery mhm and this little bit little [TS]

  bit matching matchi you know it's like [TS]

  when you're again I'm denim jacket with [TS]

  the denim pants it's a little matching [TS]

  matching yeah you don't want to pick up [TS]

  a Carhartt jacket and smell campfire on [TS]

  it that's the carhartt jackets [TS]

  automatically gonna smell like campfire [TS]

  who you want to pick up a Carhartt [TS]

  jacket and you know and smell the lobby [TS]

  of the ritz-carlton hotel or lat 44 lady [TS]

  steak [TS]

  well now now here now you're coining a [TS]

  smell that I don't want to smell lady [TS]

  steak but anyway she was revisited [TS]

  amazing perfect i'm sorry jump that's a [TS]

  perfect example you like ladies and you [TS]

  like steak doing it right when your [TS]

  portmanteau those together [TS]

  oh that that's what I just meet you [TS]

  don't want to cut she was receptive to [TS]

  my to my constructive criticism and and [TS]

  she changed her scent and then we were [TS]

  off to the races that is extended to [TS]

  tell you that is extremely earthy for [TS]

  her to write that note I know what [TS]

  you're taking out like that if somebody [TS]

  said to you I would absolutely if [TS]

  someone if someone p it was caringly [TS]

  said like your scent is a wonderful part [TS]

  of you but the part that you are [TS]

  spraying on after-the-fact who I think [TS]

  you could modify I would take that I [TS]

  would take that criticism my own or they [TS]

  texted it to you [TS]

  mm-hmm see what small the final all caps [TS]

  all i know is i try to text you as [TS]

  little as possible [TS]

  it's like super nasty thing I come up [TS]

  very important money on the counter i [TS]

  try to be very even with you I try to [TS]

  think about what time of day is whether [TS]

  you slept with you've eaten and I try [TS]

  not because you're you're you know [TS]

  delicate but just because I don't want [TS]

  to be one of those people that the [TS]

  causes problems in text to you and I [TS]

  just think that somebody sitting you [TS]

  know John you're very earthy maybe a [TS]

  little too earthy uh-huh [TS]

  they might get a mi get a flaming text [TS]

  back [TS]

  I'll say what I think it is I think it's [TS]

  an act of violence I'm gonna go there [TS]

  I'm gonna be totally bury I think the [TS]

  violence i think what well here's the [TS]

  thing i don't want someone center to [TS]

  send them an angry text let's circle [TS]

  back to that alright I like I am so much [TS]

  of the time I am realizing how often I'm [TS]

  at walgreens and I think I might need to [TS]

  get a get into some kind of program [TS]

  while walgreens is right across the [TS]

  street from me right across the streets [TS]

  well it's close to our house thinking [TS]

  it's very close very close to our house [TS]

  that's where i bought my cape [TS]

  John could talk about the Cape sometimes [TS]

  I write that down a little special time [TS]

  that was for us it was for me too [TS]

  oh my god that was a special time [TS]

  because you okay all right you know what [TS]

  writing that twice on a card cape and [TS]

  keep I understand why you go to [TS]

  walgreens it's your neighbourhood it's [TS]

  your local ok but here's the thing about [TS]

  walk okay first of all about you like [TS]

  pens and they have lots of pens they [TS]

  have an ok selection ok let's get this [TS]

  out of the way we have the empirically [TS]

  categorically shittiest walgreens I've [TS]

  ever been in my life I've been in a fuck [TS]

  ton of walgreens and ours is easily the [TS]

  worst and i'll tell you why you've also [TS]

  been to our safeway the safe where you [TS]

  parked on the roof the creepy safeway by [TS]

  our house after which is which is as far [TS]

  as I know there is there's one safeway [TS]

  in walnut creek that not the nice safe [TS]

  way but the old safeway that might be [TS]

  creepier [TS]

  it's a little bit Haunted Mansion like [TS]

  they turn off the lights and stuff but [TS]

  ours [TS]

  my mom said just the other day started [TS]

  around now no she said four times in her [TS]

  life her entire life has she been in to [TS]

  a supermarket that smelled like rotting [TS]

  meat and all four times it was a safe [TS]

  way that she says I won't buy meat at a [TS]

  safeway because it if you can't keep the [TS]

  smell of rotting meat out of your [TS]

  supermarket all right flattered and [TS]

  you're doing something really with you [TS]

  ever bought seafood I know you haven't [TS]

  because your rear regular theme as you [TS]

  have about seafood a lucky haha IKR but [TS]

  since you're worried about seafood there [TS]

  does it come in like an almond roca can [TS]

  try to lay lucky lucky is like easy a [TS]

  person's markets yeah [TS]

  no photo seafood there oh yeah actually [TS]

  I name-checking built to spill songs [TS]

  memory serves albertsons a thought in [TS]

  albertson stir-fry dinner can make it [TS]

  down there I'm not [TS]

  with their work but it didn't it didn't [TS]

  make his apartment like an apartment [TS]

  what about got two phones i had a pretty [TS]

  song is pretty song hand and I'm not a [TS]

  very pretty town huh [TS]

  I think it's a beautiful song so many [TS]

  people try to capture that feeling of [TS]

  being a kid and being confused about [TS]

  love and things and usually comes out [TS]

  really stupid but that was that's [TS]

  gorgeous [TS]

  it's ok so let's go back to the metal [TS]

  walgreens and you were saying that [TS]

  there's a super the associated anyway [TS]

  you know what let's skip it is really [TS]

  boring let's come back to the cape but I [TS]

  was walking through walgreens I was not [TS]

  getting prescription i think i was [TS]

  buying was therefore i think that i had [TS]

  to buy some bathroom tissue as they call [TS]

  it in France don't let me ask you a [TS]

  question yes please go ahead i just got [TS]

  into an argument with a friend love [TS]

  about this [TS]

  yeah we're really can't believe that k [TS]

  he's a he's a successful man a wealthy [TS]

  person and i was def mckagan that wasn't [TS]

  done i was using his restroom and what [TS]

  do you think I discovered he's over the [TS]

  bad guy [TS]

  no he is that he is a squat toilet [TS]

  tissue buyer you [TS]

  we've had this conversation heavenly yes [TS]

  we have I think we've had the Scott [TS]

  tissue conversation on a number of [TS]

  occasions and it's you get mad about a [TS]

  lot of stuff eventually but i don't [TS]

  think i've seen many things where you [TS]

  get mad faster [TS]

  no I came out of that bathroom shaking [TS]

  with those paper in his face and I said [TS]

  you're fucking millionaire by some [TS]

  goddamn two-ply toilet paper this this [TS]

  is this is a crime your committee [TS]

  against yourself and your family [TS]

  I don't know I don't know our audience [TS]

  John but I'm gonna have to assume that [TS]

  there are some people out there believe [TS]

  it or not there are some people out [TS]

  there that may not know about the [TS]

  literal human Holocaust that's got [TS]

  toilet paper represents could you [TS]

  briefly give people an idea what the [TS]

  problem is with Scott toilet paper [TS]

  sculpture paper is like is like waxed [TS]

  paper it's like butcher paper it is they [TS]

  fool you into thinking you if you are [TS]

  comparison shopper you're going through [TS]

  the aisles and you're looking at the [TS]

  different toilet papers and you say oh I [TS]

  get a thousand sheets or I get 10,000 [TS]

  sheets such a big role and it looks so [TS]

  firm massive roll of toilet paper so [TS]

  many sheets so many square foot it's [TS]

  just a cute it's like it's like a nikka [TS]

  rato well-made Nicaragua cigar like [TS]

  there's no soft spots there's no hearts [TS]

  but it looks you hold [TS]

  in your hand and you go this is a solid [TS]

  fucking chunk of toilet paper [TS]

  I'm not going to get dicked over with [TS]

  all that fruity stuff forget the super [TS]

  big tube in the middle it feels right on [TS]

  the face of it on the butt of it it [TS]

  seems like this is gonna be the perfect [TS]

  toilet paper [TS]

  yeah you could knock somebody out with [TS]

  that roll of toilet paper super solid [TS]

  and it's half the price of the other [TS]

  toilet paper so you think I am a great [TS]

  shopper i am a smart person and let's be [TS]

  honest I was just a little it is just [TS]

  toilet paper right well what I mean how [TS]

  good or bad the toilet paper be given [TS]

  right what I'm gonna do with it right [TS]

  I'm not an idiot you're eating yourself [TS]

  if you don't have to it doesn't have to [TS]

  be printed with a colorful pattern at [TS]

  any just toilet paper right but then you [TS]

  get home and you realize that it is it [TS]

  has the it is as extent as tissue paper [TS]

  it is as soft as notebook paper like [TS]

  filler paper like a look Taylor paper [TS]

  yeah if it's like a jet pilot for and [TS]

  you because it is so uncomfortable and [TS]

  so flimsy you end up using seven times [TS]

  more toilet paper than you would uh and [TS]

  i think it's it's so poorly constructive [TS]

  role wise sheet that if you do i'm not [TS]

  one of these people i think i don't know [TS]

  if you want to feel we are you a little [TS]

  kind of guy are you a rapper rapper rap [TS]

  guy okay actually I'm a fold fold I me [TS]

  to meet you but if you were a little [TS]

  kind of guy [TS]

  it would fall apart four times it's like [TS]

  using it's like a public restroom in a [TS]

  park [TS]

  yeah right it's exactly that's public [TS]

  restroom toilet paper in a party what is [TS]

  John I think I'm entitled remember my [TS]

  old remember that got me back on that [TS]

  Scott and fuck me up when we were first [TS]

  friends I think it's because i was an RA [TS]

  in college and I think Scott is what I [TS]

  gave away to those poor bastards haha [TS]

  public knowledge public college Scott [TS]

  toilet paper [TS]

  well so anyway my millionaire friend [TS]

  starts giving me some pushback on it [TS]

  like I've always used Scott there's [TS]

  nothing wrong with it and I'm like you [TS]

  that you have no idea your children are [TS]

  growing up in a hot and toilet paper [TS]

  Holocaust they're gonna go to other kids [TS]

  houses and drives they might as well [TS]

  have literally mission on their face [TS]

  they're gonna walk in there and they [TS]

  have no idea this was not knowing how to [TS]

  eat with a fork [TS]

  I'm not going there and go what is this [TS]

  what is this magical thing that you put [TS]

  into the special room [TS]

  yeah all my friends are flying on a [TS]

  magic carpet of soft toilet paper [TS]

  / and we are riding on a unlike a on a [TS]

  birch two-by-four it's a while even [TS]

  worse than them going to their friend's [TS]

  house when their teenage friends come to [TS]

  their house a home [TS]

  don't know whether it's out on the [TS]

  street ho that's like drunk down on the [TS]

  couch rose [TS]

  well I still struggle with this and [TS]

  first of all if I may say thank you very [TS]

  much for correcting that you're like so [TS]

  many things we've come stay at my house [TS]

  for a long time for free now you really [TS]

  helped me with that and my family we [TS]

  don't get anymore but can I just say [TS]

  that whether it is again the paper [TS]

  products that my uncle helped pioneer [TS]

  the weather is the paper towels whether [TS]

  it is the toilet paper you've noticed [TS]

  I'm sure over that over time that [TS]

  they've been trying to find new ways for [TS]

  you to use paper for things and I don't [TS]

  want this in turn into a morning zoo or [TS]

  a stand-up comedy thing but I'm just [TS]

  saying there's no you got all the wipes [TS]

  now right everything's wipe everything [TS]

  we have the new ways to have cheap paper [TS]

  that you buy maybe it's got some kind of [TS]

  brandon johnson & johnson product on it [TS]

  I'm telling you my family to this day [TS]

  struggles with which is the right toilet [TS]

  paper when I was in that walgreens with [TS]

  the stinking patchouli later we should [TS]

  come back to I stood there and I looked [TS]

  at the embarrassment of riches before me [TS]

  I still had no idea how Tyler paper [TS]

  well I judged by all of the heuristics [TS]

  that I know right so so let me just say [TS]

  I've done some research on Amazon [TS]

  because you know you can subscribe the [TS]

  toilet paper which I've done before [TS]

  there are several metrics well there's [TS]

  cheap toilet paper which is in its own [TS]

  class but then the mid-range toilet [TS]

  paper mid-to-high right this is in your [TS]

  honda accord of toilet paper you can [TS]

  have you can have us soft I you can have [TS]

  durable that there is adorable metric [TS]

  horrible you can call it tough I look it [TS]

  up [TS]

  durable so that like it travels well [TS]

  like oh you mean like if you want to [TS]

  like somebody's house ahead Scott know [TS]

  it like a daddy [TS]

  nothing that you would carry a a roll [TS]

  around with you although i do but uh but [TS]

  no I'm i think you know i think you know [TS]

  exactly what i mean i think i think if [TS]

  you if you're having a tough time and [TS]

  you really had to go to town you were [TS]

  drinking enough water and I think it's [TS]

  gonna it's gonna blow its gonna blow up [TS]

  in your hand like a German grenade like [TS]

  a potato masher they called it a potato [TS]

  masher that they'd call it that [TS]

  so I we still struggle with this now [TS]

  here's the profit is this like the IKEA [TS]

  pillow selecting [TS]

  like God make sure cam that's dr. it was [TS]

  going you think I'm I'm a back sleeper [TS]

  but I likely airy breeze that nobody's [TS]

  jumping at the should just forget the [TS]

  clear again [TS]

  well I didn't you well know i didn't get [TS]

  the clerk you got one Swedish once i [TS]

  sleep on one of those funky phone once [TS]

  TWP no no III by my pillows are at at [TS]

  Ross Dress for Less I don't know why [TS]

  that's something i think i've got is [TS]

  like we're poor people buy panties and [TS]

  and fake lladros and I i do you make a [TS]

  special special trip there or yeah I [TS]

  don't even know what a big lladro is but [TS]

  no they have a they have a selection of [TS]

  bomb of linens and pillows that's that's [TS]

  very inexpensive you know living [TS]

  expenses he trying out while you're [TS]

  there [TS]

  I I stick a finger elated because I [TS]

  putting stroke it sure okay [TS]

  mhm do let me just put it differently [TS]

  certainly try it out like you know and I [TS]

  definitely come back to mattresses [TS]

  because boys that ever racket the [TS]

  mattress thing but the pillow thing do [TS]

  you just kind of hold it in your hand [TS]

  like a normal adult or to you do you [TS]

  smashed against your head off the HD [TS]

  don't you know you're not supplying in [TS]

  any point [TS]

  no I don't laid out in the in the roster [TS]

  for Ross and and and snuggle my pillow [TS]

  but i have a sense of of the kind of [TS]

  pillow i can actually I made a mistake [TS]

  this last time I bought pillows that [TS]

  were too firm and now seems like such a [TS]

  good idea [TS]

  yeah I'm trying to break them in every [TS]

  time I walk past my kick him and punch [TS]

  him a bunch of times [TS]

  uh that's what I I you know this is like [TS]

  the crest and colgate thing for me where [TS]

  I didn't think he used to matter and now [TS]

  it matters and in and hotels boy I [TS]

  really noticed you go in there and get [TS]

  in there and naughty travel but you go [TS]

  in places anything goes something like [TS]

  cool like a marriott on marriott man you [TS]

  go in and fucking 12 pillows on the the [TS]

  bed [TS]

  yeah and it's my right points out there [TS]

  mostly decorative right the first 10 of [TS]

  them end up on the floor immediately [TS]

  yeah there's like three or four [TS]

  underneath that Phil not even like a [TS]

  plan even like a bag of feathers [TS]

  it'sit's it looks very fine styrofoam [TS]

  and it's way too soft for me [TS]

  night don't like the headphone pillow [TS]

  thing we lay down it goes all the way [TS]

  around your head but then you know you [TS]

  can always consult the pillow menu have [TS]

  you ever called to get something from [TS]

  the pillow menu [TS]

  oh well I you know I'm allergic to [TS]

  feathers is that right yes so that's why [TS]

  you never wear bows at all well I do [TS]

  have a boa [TS]

  ok I just you're right i don't wear it [TS]

  but I used to have to call down at [TS]

  hotels to get a hypoallergenic pillow [TS]

  but now now all the pillows seems it's a [TS]

  rare hotel where all the pillows are [TS]

  feather-light these to make them out of [TS]

  the shrimp peanut butter but they [TS]

  discovered this lucky more sensitive to [TS]

  that [TS]

  mmm yeah well i mean i-i but my feeling [TS]

  when I walk into a hotel and it's it's [TS]

  the bed is covered with pillows [TS]

  decorative pillows i go to look at the [TS]

  pillows and I try to determine the [TS]

  pillow in that pile that is the least [TS]

  likely pillow to have been employed in a [TS]

  filthy sex act jong-il try and find that [TS]

  fellow and it's usually I I assume it's [TS]

  buried under all the other pillow i can [TS]

  haz conversation with each other and I [TS]

  don't listen to the other program idea [TS]

  but I've talked about this on the last [TS]

  three show you have all in the last [TS]

  robbery shows whole week it's led to [TS]

  something I apologize for anybody's for [TS]

  the other program it's going to be [TS]

  called man's assumption Occam's razor or [TS]

  Murphy's Law man's assumption is that [TS]

  everything in a hotel room has been in [TS]

  somebody's ass at some point oh my god [TS]

  well in that case let's be honest this [TS]

  is we can now you were talking about a [TS]

  guy on the on this show just assume that [TS]

  somebody has come on everything in the [TS]

  room because they probably have well in [TS]

  our our former drummer to be layers when [TS]

  we would enter a hotel room the first [TS]

  thing he would do is grab the unused a [TS]

  the unused garbage bag liner out of the [TS]

  garbage can and he would walk over and [TS]

  wrap it around the remote control haha [TS]

  and and tie it off so that you could not [TS]

  touch the remote control he would he [TS]

  would grab the remote control with his [TS]

  hand inside the bag like he was picking [TS]

  up dog shit apart and it wrapping a tie [TS]

  the bag around the remote control and [TS]

  then he would you know then we could [TS]

  happily search for me or whatever [TS]

  through the channels of television right [TS]

  without having to touch this thing that [TS]

  he was absolutely certain had been all [TS]

  the way up inside a person so this is it [TS]

  was an incident it's a safe thing to do [TS]

  it's like why you wipe off the top of [TS]

  your pop can write the trucker's right [TS]

  exactly because the trucker's RP and ask [TS]

  you this now [TS]

  now whenever when you're in there and [TS]

  you're enjoying your your toilet paper [TS]

  in the in the restroom let's be honest [TS]

  it's probably not terribly expensive [TS]

  toilet paper they fold it into a little [TS]

  arrow literally don't get me started on [TS]

  that you don't usually have entire blog [TS]

  about folding paper toilet paper into a [TS]

  point I didn't I I thought I knew all of [TS]

  your people don't even know my place [TS]

  called to quit touching my toilet paper [TS]

  and down up sit down you're ready to [TS]

  enjoy yourself right it'sit's daddy's [TS]

  deuce time and so the phone rings what [TS]

  there's a phone next if you so yeah sure [TS]

  the next to the toilet you're going to [TS]

  pick up somebody's gonna pick up a phone [TS]

  that's next to a toilet like I just I'm [TS]

  sorry I'm repeating myself because I [TS]

  cannot stop thinking about this like it [TS]

  I don't like picking up my daughter [TS]

  likes to play with the phone in the room [TS]

  you know so i unplug it but they don't [TS]

  do I grabbed a giant pump of hand [TS]

  sanitizer and like a crazy person to [TS]

  cover the entire thing until it's [TS]

  saturated and then wipe it all off you [TS]

  know when I I've known I've known men [TS]

  who when they're in there cops will [TS]

  reveal things about what they have done [TS]

  with objects men have done things with [TS]

  objects so they certainly have I had a [TS]

  friend who admitted to putting a piece [TS]

  of rope in his ass cause he was bored [TS]

  one day now a lot of people would say [TS]

  that piece of rope is fine for every [TS]

  purpose even who I'm just thinking a [TS]

  phone phone can be a friend enormous [TS]

  that he admitted this to you and hear [TS]

  and his is his defense or his he was it [TS]

  is that he wasn't he wasn't a good [TS]

  friend Josie wasn't a good friend the [TS]

  heat I little knots in it [TS]

  oh that's actually a thing that is that [TS]

  I've seen that the good vibrations and [TS]

  they pull it out a little at a time [TS]

  yeah what's the good vibrations is that [TS]

  a sex store no it's a vibrator store [TS]

  Oh [TS]

  it'll sell sex per se is well I see you [TS]

  can have a vibrator store and and it [TS]

  doesn't fall into the under the rubric [TS]

  of the sex store something you little [TS]

  set fire to get you can you can make [TS]

  milkshakes with that i'm sure you have [TS]

  back pain you know like lower back pain [TS]

  but i must let the let that go what ok [TS]

  so first of all I guess there's probably [TS]

  some like industry publication that says [TS]

  people will feel like they're very [TS]

  welcome and Khushi if you walk in and [TS]

  there's 95 pillows on the bed maybe [TS]

  that's like the first I mean like I i [TS]

  I'm sorry John i feel like i've talked [TS]

  about this a hundred times so I don't [TS]

  talk about again but i have a whole [TS]

  process I wanna do a whole show on the [TS]

  whole plan to show a podcast i want a [TS]

  whole podcast about hotels right try to [TS]

  help people because i have process i [TS]

  have an entire process from what I don't [TS]

  know what are you trying to help hotel [TS]

  people serve our customers better or you [TS]

  try and help people who are going to [TS]

  hotels uh avoid the pitfalls and the [TS]

  landmines in every hotel me I used to be [TS]

  very interested in the things I could do [TS]

  to help people with their personal [TS]

  productivity because I think it's [TS]

  important to find the right mix of [TS]

  things that help you do the work that's [TS]

  important remember that made you famous [TS]

  yeah I was rich and stuff and so here's [TS]

  the thing today what I want to do in the [TS]

  same way that i would say i like these [TS]

  index cards for this use for this reason [TS]

  this may or may not work for you what I [TS]

  want to do is I want to share process [TS]

  with people of what so far has worked [TS]

  for me now it's like you know about the [TS]

  bedbugs right you can't do anything [TS]

  about the bedbugs you just got big bucks [TS]

  that's just the thing now right yeah but [TS]

  I mean I go through and through all the [TS]

  food [TS]

  alright because there's natural natural [TS]

  worthiness they don't like me and I [TS]

  think what it is is that I that I have [TS]

  the antibodies for Lyme disease but but [TS]

  I never got the I never got Lyme disease [TS]

  I was tied to get that I was bitten by a [TS]

  tick in the forest and I went to sit on [TS]

  your familiar with just random one it [TS]

  was just a strange tick [TS]

  yeah it was a strange chick and I and I [TS]

  had to I was in the Netherlands and I [TS]

  went to I went to the nearest little [TS]

  town and I said there's a tick in me and [TS]

  the man and i had tried to get the [TS]

  ticket out which is a mistake [TS]

  Jim match to the match thing no I died I [TS]

  didn't know what I scratched it with [TS]

  your fingers and started the substitute [TS]

  some ppl with two matchsticks that I we [TS]

  don't match tricky especially [TS]

  extinguished matches supposed to kill a [TS]

  tick right but I you I don't know if you [TS]

  want to kill it while it's lots little [TS]

  head is still buried in you know I i had [TS]

  two matchsticks and I put a rubber band [TS]

  around and try to make a pair of [TS]

  tweezers out of them but we go dutch 286 [TS]

  open into this little town and there's [TS]

  this kindly little Dutch doctor who said [TS]

  oh here's the thing you just put a [TS]

  little rubbing alcohol or really any [TS]

  kind of alcohol on it and it will come [TS]

  right out [TS]

  it it won't kill it will still want to [TS]

  get out of the antidote Vaseline because [TS]

  it can't breathe right yeah so so he did [TS]

  this and the tip came out and then later [TS]

  on I went through a an area which was uh [TS]

  all tix but there were no trees it was [TS]

  just the delivery look like trees but [TS]

  they were just piles of ticks and I had [TS]

  ticks all over me and I got all these [TS]

  ticks off but many many months later [TS]

  when I was feeling not very good i went [TS]

  to the doctor [TS]

  it turned out I was not I was ill for [TS]

  another reason but the doctor said you [TS]

  have the antibodies for Lyme disease [TS]

  you should watch and actually possibly [TS]

  tell that there's a test any an [TS]

  in-office procedure to find out if you [TS]

  have the antibodies for Lyme disease [TS]

  oh you didn't they screen for John maybe [TS]

  it is or maybe I maybe I told him about [TS]

  the ticket me any screen it's just like [TS]

  if you sit second inoculation or [TS]

  something like that he survived that now [TS]

  you're strong against your text and I [TS]

  think I'm strong against your tix and I [TS]

  think also bedbugs they come up against [TS]

  me and they smell my earthy scent and [TS]

  they say move along move along nothing [TS]

  to see here like a Jedi i would get [TS]

  would love to have that I'm so scared of [TS]

  bed bugs they totally freaked me out or [TS]

  slice it likes you about the lycée if [TS]

  he likes our kids school so make it [TS]

  slice [TS]

  yeah then you gotta check everybody for [TS]

  lice and then you gotta put all the toys [TS]

  and get this affect everything but all [TS]

  the toys and garbage bags and cut off [TS]

  the air so the lights on your children's [TS]

  toys will die so i have a bunch of times [TS]

  when I was a kid really because I really [TS]

  you know because there was no gathering [TS]

  of kids that I didn't want to get in the [TS]

  center of and rub my head all over their [TS]

  heads was a thing when i was a kid you [TS]

  have you got a pretty big head [TS]

  yeah that's true and you and I scene [TS]

  photos you leave i'm trying to think [TS]

  it's because look good on television out [TS]

  no question about it [TS]

  people people people like me i have a [TS]

  normal-sized head is john darnielle eyes [TS]

  I look really dishonest one of my video [TS]

  told us on the shifty shifting i love [TS]

  that John Darnielle but you know we got [TS]

  the eyes are too close together when I [TS]

  pals or anything but you know I'm saying [TS]

  you see somebody with the eyes are too [TS]

  close together [TS]

  mm it's like the opposite of a baby we [TS]

  like babies because they got the big [TS]

  eyes big eyes right far apart like 80 [TS]

  that's why I like a baby [TS]

  whatever I've always felt because i'm a [TS]

  big blonde person I've always been [TS]

  somewhat confused by the fact that I [TS]

  have kind of i have a slanty eyes you [TS]

  know in a way like a laplander who is [TS]

  constantly searching across the snowy [TS]

  planes for his reindeer I have these [TS]

  like lives that are always half open and [TS]

  kind of is there's a ping pong isn't as [TS]

  finds their scrunched up for their [TS]

  almond II know they're not all men be [TS]

  there scrunchie there's there squinty [TS]

  okay it might be that it might be [TS]

  because i'm a high plains drifter also [TS]

  that's another way to identify high [TS]

  plains drifter by his kind of weather [TS]

  beaten squinty eyes are Stan you know we [TS]

  all say something John at Sunderland [TS]

  ever told you this but I definitely felt [TS]

  this way about my late father and there [TS]

  are a few other people i felt i don't [TS]

  think i've ever known anybody who looks [TS]

  more different with the glasses off then [TS]

  you can contact Superman haha right they [TS]

  look exactly the same [TS]

  you look so different and what's funny [TS]

  is of course you have many different [TS]

  pairs of glasses at some point we should [TS]

  address the glasses issue right you have [TS]

  well when I was at your house the time [TS]

  you gave me the glasses my sister-in-law [TS]

  throwaway not that i'm mad you had it [TS]

  memory serves through to two or three of [TS]

  the racks from a drug store full of [TS]

  vintage frames [TS]

  yeah i have about now probably a hundred [TS]

  and seventy pairs of glasses that's all [TS]

  i would guess more well because I keep [TS]

  giving them away to people whose sisters [TS]

  small keeps throwing you remember those [TS]

  classes term how cool is were those are [TS]

  gorgeous glasses and in fact if i recall [TS]

  they were [TS]

  they were they became your signature [TS]

  look and not by design but it when I [TS]

  stopped wearing them people said where's [TS]

  your glasses right now we found a pair [TS]

  without another pair too i don't see [TS]

  replace those but there are you know [TS]

  pretty pretty pretty [TS]

  yeah but you look so i can describe [TS]

  quite what it is I don't know if I'd say [TS]

  you look lapland Landy's slap that blend [TS]

  desk lapland lambie's else am I junquera [TS]

  i was going to joke about reindeer [TS]

  because that's exactly one thing I know [TS]

  about laugh lines that they have cute [TS]

  hats too right [TS]

  they do well then and sweaters they're [TS]

  very sweaty people now first I'm sorry [TS]

  about the glasses off I mean things you [TS]

  could wear any of your crazy Elton John [TS]

  glasses like any of those many glasses [TS]

  does this creepy Elvis 10 i have a photo [TS]

  that i will put up with you and my [TS]

  daughter when you have the missing tooth [TS]

  and the long hair and the Elvis classes [TS]

  ppl was going but you still look like [TS]

  you whether even with one with the tooth [TS]

  missing and the crazy hair you always [TS]

  look like you beard or no beard you [TS]

  always look at what you take your [TS]

  glasses off I swear to god you look like [TS]

  you look like your brother-in-law or [TS]

  something and and what is the change of [TS]

  what do I look like without my glasses [TS]

  on your eyes or handsome how the fuck [TS]

  you can get more handsome [TS]

  I don't you know I don't know what it is [TS]

  like this question i'm offering is as [TS]

  anyone ever told you that before [TS]

  well it's a thing I kind of keep under [TS]

  wraps because in the event i ever get to [TS]

  go on the layout enough said [TS]

  did you take my glasses off and blend [TS]

  into a crowd nobody would ever notice me [TS]

  you are you're in the spice stuff [TS]

  yeah doesn't that needs to be one of my [TS]

  I know this is a tricky thing but like I [TS]

  gotta say like when I was a youngster [TS]

  nautic maybe not kidding exactly but [TS]

  that was one of the things that [TS]

  fascinated me the most when I would read [TS]

  not let you say i'm on a piker I'm not [TS]

  going anywhere near what you have done [TS]

  with reading up on this but when I would [TS]

  read about how to do disguises that was [TS]

  the part that always blew my mind [TS]

  because it was all is all life hacks it [TS]

  was stuff like put put newspaper in your [TS]

  shoes so you'll walk a little bit [TS]

  different like this it's an entire way [TS]

  to become this different person it's way [TS]

  more than like a fake mustache [TS]

  it's a way of carrying yourself [TS]

  differently without attracting attention [TS]

  is that right it is it's absolutely true [TS]

  it's not shoe polishing the hair [TS]

  are in a different shirt there's a lot [TS]

  more to it yeah you just you put put put [TS]

  a little pebble or up or a pin in your [TS]

  in your shoe and all of a sudden you've [TS]

  got like as like a strange gate and half [TS]

  the people you know wouldn't recognize [TS]

  you now me I I when I catch myself I [TS]

  don't think of myself as someone who has [TS]

  like terrible posture but I know I don't [TS]

  have good posture but I I real if I [TS]

  catch myself doing walking the way I [TS]

  usually walk all the time or sometimes [TS]

  just straight up the tiniest bit and I [TS]

  can tell that I probably look different [TS]

  now you you're a big guy and you seem to [TS]

  have you walked all I'm just saying if [TS]

  you had to disguise yourself if you / [TS]

  down just a little bit you you'd look [TS]

  pretty different right well and one of [TS]

  the things that I do is I walked my toes [TS]

  my toes pronate is that is that the word [TS]

  know my toes [TS]

  well I walk with my toes pointing a [TS]

  little bit out like a ballerina like a [TS]

  like a ballerina like a giant ballerina [TS]

  and sometimes i will intentionally as if [TS]

  I have a long distance to walk i will [TS]

  intentionally change the the angle of [TS]

  where my toes are pointing so that I'm [TS]

  pointing my toes directly straight ahead [TS]

  and it changes the whole architecture of [TS]

  my of my body and my gate itself right [TS]

  yeah and I do you have satellites for [TS]

  watching from a satellite right there [TS]

  it's like the same people walking single [TS]

  file to disguise their numbers you you [TS]

  move that you're so you're almost like a [TS]

  bear wearing shoes [TS]

  it's something we're gonna go wait a [TS]

  minute because clearly i can tell [TS]

  because this is it like an inch into the [TS]

  earth that this is somebody heavy but [TS]

  you don't see people wearing like a like [TS]

  a size six converse you know walking out [TS]

  on the force that would throw everybody [TS]

  off right yes everything works converse [TS]

  you know that that would see and i can't [TS]

  i can't shave my beard and change my [TS]

  appearance because i have a beard shaped [TS]

  face if I shave my beard most of the [TS]

  time people don't even notice the beard [TS]

  is gone [TS]

  is that code for a week in does that [TS]

  mean no it means a it means a chin [TS]

  shaped like a beard i have have such a [TS]

  big chin that that the beard is just [TS]

  like that yes let me learn from the [TS]

  Dutch doctor is that something you've [TS]

  always know well I remember as a [TS]

  teenager when my [TS]

  when my face went from teenage face to [TS]

  adult face and I definitely noticed [TS]

  where did all this ordered all this ja [TS]

  come from much much much bigger faced [TS]

  now but so it is seriously it happens to [TS]

  me all the time I shaved my beard and [TS]

  people come up people who have seen me [TS]

  every day for a year come up and say [TS]

  including my mom who say two or did you [TS]

  change the partner hair are you wearing [TS]

  a different pair of glasses I totally [TS]

  know II mean I'm like I changed my [TS]

  freaking beard i've been wearing it for [TS]

  I have had appeared for two years and [TS]

  today I don't you don't even notice [TS]

  whereas other people like like weak chin [TS]

  people who shave a beard and you go oh I [TS]

  can usually I'm pretty good [TS]

  iight i would not want to say anything [TS]

  that makes anybody in our audience [TS]

  self-conscious but I'm pretty good you [TS]

  know what I'm clocking you don't need to [TS]

  be clocked yes okay like so like if [TS]

  you're somebody who's doing a whole [TS]

  gender thing right as you do [TS]

  yeah well you can pass i don't--there's [TS]

  other terms you might have noticed in [TS]

  the early nineties you can pass or you [TS]

  can be clocked em and when your clock [TS]

  that's what something looks because I [TS]

  let's really do right and and I think [TS]

  there are a lot of people with things [TS]

  like I hope this stuff this isn't [TS]

  ping-pong talk things like comb-overs or [TS]

  comb for words right now this is in the [TS]

  days you know like today you at least [TS]

  you have the option right like how many [TS]

  of our good friends have shaved their [TS]

  heads look awesome now like that one [TS]

  used to be an option in the nineteen [TS]

  seventies even in the eighties that was [TS]

  not an option [TS]

  I got a guy that I used to work for a [TS]

  guy that was the source of a lot of my [TS]

  paying work with this guy got a swimming [TS]

  pool it was crazy [TS]

  I mean look like Ali McGraw from one [TS]

  side you know I mean oh well it's not [TS]

  like McGraw but you know maybe like you [TS]

  know Thor something because his hair his [TS]

  hair went down to his shoulder and he [TS]

  did this amazing architectural Frank [TS]

  Gehry thing to make it fly up and you [TS]

  can see the hairspray like glistening on [TS]

  it but i also have friends that remember [TS]

  the Caesar remember when George Clooney [TS]

  made the Caesar kind of catch on [TS]

  sure well then the season was very [TS]

  popular with the gay men in the early [TS]

  nineties to it always comes back the [TS]

  Caesar always comes back [TS]

  well yes it was ariana grande know the [TS]

  perfect [TS]

  national soccer player who is by all [TS]

  accounts a bald man he looks like he has [TS]

  a full head of hair because he's he's [TS]

  rocking the Caesar one up for a long [TS]

  time certainly I mean there there's so [TS]

  much we know now about bald men that we [TS]

  didn't know in the seventies because you [TS]

  could you could you could get away with [TS]

  a lot you know I mean look right there [TS]

  see brian eno when he was back in Roxy [TS]

  Music he rocked it [TS]

  he had tears just you ever see what he [TS]

  looks like when using roxy music of [TS]

  course he rocked it in the in the same [TS]

  way that the that character from rocky [TS]

  horror picture show rocked it [TS]

  I'm just say which is to say grotesquely [TS]

  that's a terrible look bald with long [TS]

  stringy super Swiss hair and he says [TS]

  that just says I'm a high-level cleric [TS]

  on saturdays it's really i mean that's [TS]

  exactly what it is if you are going to [TS]

  dress if you were going to dress like [TS]

  one of the members of Jethro tall or [TS]

  you're going to dress like mick [TS]

  fleetwood on the cover of rumors but you [TS]

  are more than welcome and complete with [TS]

  another one [TS]

  it's great to like let your hair over [TS]

  your ears grow long and and then on the [TS]

  top of your head which is bald just have [TS]

  a few really long single strands of hair [TS]

  that is a that is not i don't want to [TS]

  work ping pong but this is big in my [TS]

  neighborhood John if you seen especially [TS]

  with the Chinese men have you seen like [TS]

  the six discreet string lots of hair [TS]

  across the top thing a bit of slather [TS]

  down with vaseline or something I don't [TS]

  know it's anyway it's but the bit you [TS]

  know why it's a move [TS]

  you know I I respect but here's the [TS]

  thing is i gotta do is I got topic here [TS]

  like I don't think you don't seem to [TS]

  suffer from either there you got a full [TS]

  head of hair you got the beard but [TS]

  you're absolutely right sometimes you'll [TS]

  get a like writing some photos of you [TS]

  lately [TS]

  you look great you got like a [TS]

  professional man's haircut it looks like [TS]

  well I'm cutting my own hair still I'm [TS]

  just getting better at it [TS]

  whoa whoa hang on really you can turn [TS]

  here I've got my own hair for over 10 [TS]

  years and which is why which is why my [TS]

  haircut vary so much because because [TS]

  most of my haircuts take place is that [TS]

  why you stopped drinking I mean was it [TS]

  just getting here to scare what happened [TS]

  up now that happened before but at [TS]

  certain point there along the way when i [TS]

  realized that i could shave dry but I [TS]

  didn't even need water anymore that I [TS]

  could just shave with a razor dry [TS]

  because of course if you use shaving [TS]

  cream song can smell you from at from [TS]

  across the river so that so for a long [TS]

  time I was shaving with hot water and [TS]

  then I then I realized I could just [TS]

  shave dry at that point I was I was [TS]

  liberated I was free I was free from the [TS]

  from the whole I mean it the entire i [TS]

  love walgreens that deals with male [TS]

  shaving products just be the beer [TS]

  Boswell for half a second here for [TS]

  anybody that is important to go through [TS]

  this but also want to say for anybody's [TS]

  interested in this you went into a lot [TS]

  of detail about the genesis behind this [TS]

  and the revelations you went through all [TS]

  of this in an episode if memory serves [TS]

  it was called the Vietcong can smell the [TS]

  scents right that's right and you went [TS]

  through the history of wanting to [TS]

  eventually become some kind of a person [TS]

  espionage [TS]

  yes the cleanup that but the haircutting [TS]

  what I realized at that point was that [TS]

  as I was freeing myself from these [TS]

  tyranny knees or to quote the great [TS]

  philosopher as i freed myself from [TS]

  mental slavery none but ourselves can [TS]

  free our minds have no fear from atomic [TS]

  energy because none of them a chemist [TS]

  top of the time I can guess who it is [TS]

  as you were saying I kept going through [TS]

  I said it first of those nicha than I [TS]

  thought [TS]

  Merv Griffin and I thought my person [TS]

  right how long shall they kill our [TS]

  prophets while we stand aside and look [TS]

  some say it's just a part of it [TS]

  dreamland we've got to fulfill the book [TS]

  to kevin who is a hit that that's good [TS]

  it's your hero bob marley huh [TS]

  hey that's pretty that's what I that was [TS]

  pretty good he's a very smart man i [TS]

  don't want this up I'm not lyrics [TS]

  because because i like Bob Marley I [TS]

  think he is good looking like him is it [TS]

  dude [TS]

  I'll i enjoy the I enjoy reggae music so [TS]

  it was really touched by the success you [TS]

  had doing espionage Alec a nice exciting [TS]

  i decided i was going to go the whole [TS]

  hog [TS]

  I was going to free myself from the from [TS]

  because it how many times I mean you [TS]

  have a whole photo blog about this [TS]

  of times you go in to a hair salon to [TS]

  get a haircut and and you come out the [TS]

  other side and it's like that's not what [TS]

  I was going for [TS]

  and then you have all the fun of letting [TS]

  your hair grow out and you look like a [TS]

  crazy person and then you go and get [TS]

  your haircut again and that they didn't [TS]

  get it right again and I was like listen [TS]

  if somebody's gonna get somebody's not [TS]

  going to get it right if somebody is [TS]

  going to give me a bad haircut [TS]

  it might as well be me let it be me and [TS]

  I started cutting my own hair and i have [TS]

  been doing it for a long time now I cut [TS]

  other people's hair i cut my mom's hair [TS]

  way [TS]

  really yeah my mom comes to my house and [TS]

  says can you give me a community is very [TS]

  earthy haircut she says she's universal [TS]

  we just got always stimulate your mom is [TS]

  awesome and she seems very practical [TS]

  yes I could essentially going like what [TS]

  my mom didn't like having it done I [TS]

  would never see her getting it set and [TS]

  stuff now [TS]

  well and then she started cutting it [TS]

  herself so now she cuts her own hair and [TS]

  then comes to me to do that like [TS]

  treatment touch-ups yeah but I what's up [TS]

  but my problem is I always the idea to [TS]

  cut my hair always is at its strongest [TS]

  at three o'clock in the morning which is [TS]

  really that it's a bad time to make [TS]

  decisions three o'clock in the morning [TS]

  herald because you get these three [TS]

  o'clock in the morning is a great time [TS]

  to clean the house but it is a terrible [TS]

  time to cut your hair because you start [TS]

  cutting it and you lose yourself in the [TS]

  insanity of them of the of the night and [TS]

  pretty soon here is flying everywhere [TS]

  I mean I have given myself some haircuts [TS]

  that seemed like a great idea people [TS]

  it's that if the what was sort of [TS]

  looking for its the her hirsute man's [TS]

  version of drunk dialing I mean at what [TS]

  I would worry yes secondarily I would [TS]

  worry about the quality of the haircut [TS]

  but even more and I know you know this [TS]

  from women I don't want to ping pong but [TS]

  but the impulse to do something it free [TS]

  to your hair or for your hair of your [TS]

  hair almost always reflect something [TS]

  much deeper and the 3m voice is not a [TS]

  good voice to listen to about how you [TS]

  should do your hair right and so usually [TS]

  my haircuts are are in three stages so I [TS]

  do the 3m haircut and then the following [TS]

  day at about two o'clock in the [TS]

  afternoon when I have identified all the [TS]

  problems with what I did the night [TS]

  before and I do the two in the afternoon [TS]

  like try and get into some kind of shape [TS]

  and then over the next week there's a [TS]

  kind of trickling later stage of every [TS]

  time I walk past a mirror I got up and I [TS]

  get a pair of scissors and I cut some [TS]

  little thing off and then after about a [TS]

  week of that it usually is comes into [TS]

  comes into line right now though I I i [TS]

  did a good haircut several months ago [TS]

  such that now it's growing out well how [TS]

  that I'm good haircut [TS]

  yeah and I'm just let alone i went in [TS]

  the i went in last night with a pair of [TS]

  scissors and looked at myself in the [TS]

  mirror with a pair of scissors and I [TS]

  thought put the scissors down to confine [TS]

  he walks up to the mirror with the comb [TS]

  exactly [TS]

  hey I was like you're fine you're fine [TS]

  don't do not fuck with it right now just [TS]

  what brings you AI thought I I just [TS]

  probably got time for this probably but [TS]

  what is it that obviously already up at [TS]

  3am well possibly I mean you know you're [TS]

  late sleeper you go to bed late right [TS]

  yeah 3 IM is is a that's that's a great [TS]

  time for certain things but a better [TS]

  there are other things that it's [TS]

  terrible for you I actually writing one [TS]

  is it just because you need something to [TS]

  do with your hands are no I think that [TS]

  3m is the hour of dissatisfaction [TS]

  oh I read the whole thing about this the [TS]

  other day heroin and I've never [TS]

  considered myself an insomniac there's [TS]

  been times when I haven't slept as much [TS]

  as I'd like but I read this amazing [TS]

  article [TS]

  well sent to you that that was it's [TS]

  basically about all the authors and [TS]

  everybody like spring from the [TS]

  perspective of saying if you are an [TS]

  insomniac or anybody's ever had trouble [TS]

  sleeping [TS]

  if you're not like that you have no idea [TS]

  what it's like and go through these like [TS]

  the three horrific dark night of the [TS]

  soul stages of insomnia that it just [TS]

  sounds it sounds completely harrowing [TS]

  and it starts out where you're like oh I [TS]

  can't sleep then you get into like going [TS]

  through everything you've ever done [TS]

  wrong in your life and and error and a [TS]

  nice one or like no I'm sorry today's [TS]

  test step three step two is every [TS]

  everyone you've wronged you go through [TS]

  that then by the time right before done [TS]

  like you're just sitting there [TS]

  compulsively cataloging everything that [TS]

  you ever [TS]

  or ever done wrong yeah it's it's lovely [TS]

  and of course the courses that happen to [TS]

  you have first of all he is much more [TS]

  comfortable saying and you had that [TS]

  experience at all absolutely but you [TS]

  know i have i have routinely stayed up [TS]

  for 48 hours to really push the envelope [TS]

  on the on those feelings but even just [TS]

  last night at three o'clock in the [TS]

  morning i did one of those things which [TS]

  you know which is a which is I try to do [TS]

  infrequently now where I responded to [TS]

  someone's angry email by going through [TS]

  and responding after every sentence that [TS]

  they wrote so they wrote me a paragraph [TS]

  and then I went in and after every [TS]

  sentence wrote a paragraph about their [TS]

  sentence was like here's what you're [TS]

  trying to do in this sentence and here's [TS]

  why it's not working and then i would [TS]

  let them say another sentence and then i [TS]

  would say here's why this sentence is a [TS]

  total fail also created here are the [TS]

  here are the ploys that you are [TS]

  employing to try and guilt me into these [TS]

  are here and a Cyrano on [TS]

  yeah you think you're gonna tell me I [TS]

  got a big nose let me tell you about big [TS]

  noses no see now I hate that style of [TS]

  argumentation the one where you were [TS]

  here is how could have insulted me [TS]

  better [TS]

  well i know i don't like I don't mind [TS]

  that but the whole like oh oh I've got a [TS]

  big nose [TS]

  you've got a big no-no I said wonderful [TS]

  seeing that Jose for accent from the [TS]

  play but it's wonderful sincere now [TS]

  where where this guy comes up to me [TS]

  wants to like he hurt he's the tough guy [TS]

  cums you have a your nose is rather [TS]

  large and in Cyrano composes a poem on [TS]

  the fly while he kicks the guy's ass [TS]

  with the sword about all the ways he [TS]

  could have done that in a more clever [TS]

  way [TS]

  yeah this is what that reminds me up [TS]

  because he literally does it line by [TS]

  line in a different style [TS]

  yeah that's exactly that's exactly what [TS]

  I trying to a lot to make up a lot you [TS]

  people hiding [TS]

  well what what it is when people try and [TS]

  when people try to accomplish a goal [TS]

  especially when they when they write it [TS]

  down but even when they say it to you [TS]

  but when they're speaking to you you [TS]

  know people trying to accomplish a goal [TS]

  by employing by not staying straight [TS]

  what they want but that why they're [TS]

  dissatisfied with you and what they want [TS]

  from you but they try to eat [TS]

  don't use all these ploys like appeal to [TS]

  a straw man and all the follow all those [TS]

  sophistic fallacies they try to use [TS]

  sophism on you where they are you know [TS]

  they're trying to lead you down a way of [TS]

  thinking and they're trying to make you [TS]

  know is that my favorite one of these is [TS]

  a friend of mine at many many years ago [TS]

  we were sitting in a restaurant in San [TS]

  Francisco actually there are three of us [TS]

  and we were looking at pizza menu trying [TS]

  to decide what kind of pizza again and [TS]

  the menu said you get a 2 free toppings [TS]

  on a large pizza and so I said I think [TS]

  we should get pepperoni and mushroom and [TS]

  my second friend said why don't like [TS]

  mushrooms and then he said what about [TS]

  pepperoni and green pepper and the third [TS]

  guy said well I'm not really that into [TS]

  pepperoni and then the second guy said [TS]

  well let's just get a cheese pizza we [TS]

  can all agree on cheese and I said well [TS]

  we get two free toppings so why don't we [TS]

  get you know let's get green pepper and [TS]

  onion and then the third guy was like [TS]

  well no I I like a little meat what [TS]

  about sausage and onion and the second [TS]

  guy says again [TS]

  oh why don't we just get cheese and we [TS]

  can all agree on cheese and we both kind [TS]

  of looked at him and said well yeah [TS]

  except for the two free toppings free [TS]

  toppings so i'll add something I say [TS]

  alright sausage and onion sounds good [TS]

  and the other guy says okay sausage and [TS]

  onion and the third guy now a little bit [TS]

  upset goes well let's just get cheese we [TS]

  can all agree on cheese and we looked at [TS]

  him and said we just agreed on sausage [TS]

  and onion and then it occurred to me and [TS]

  I said to him [TS]

  wait a minute do you want cheese pizza [TS]

  is that what you're saying you want to [TS]

  get cheese that is what you want and he [TS]

  was like it's just that we can all agree [TS]

  on cheese but clearly you're not and i [TS]

  said we can't all agree on she's only [TS]

  you are agreeing on jeans and it wasn't [TS]

  even that he wanted that know it what it [TS]

  was what it was was that he wanted that [TS]

  she just wanted to cheese pizza [TS]

  but he could not say it because he had [TS]

  he had trained himself he'd grown up [TS]

  thinking that like that trick works that [TS]

  he was the problem solver that he was [TS]

  the one who made everybody happy he was [TS]

  the one that negotiated and what he had [TS]

  learned to do is get his way [TS]

  bye-bye negotiating this thing where he [TS]

  ended up where he tried to make his [TS]

  desire seem like the compromise position [TS]

  between everybody else and he and this [TS]

  guy had a reputation of being the nicest [TS]

  guy you know [TS]

  oh he's such a great guy you know never [TS]

  huh but he but what he doesn't know he [TS]

  gets his way by presenting it as the i [TS]

  think it was so i think it is no no it's [TS]

  a guy you don't know I but that but that [TS]

  phrase we can all agree on cheese now [TS]

  and you also you he despises when I say [TS]

  we'll have to agree to disagree what he [TS]

  say when I thank you [TS]

  except i don't disagree agree to nothing [TS]

  having created nothing but and so this I [TS]

  made sure that this phrase we can all [TS]

  agree on cheese became a byword became a [TS]

  watchword for this tendency which is the [TS]

  tendency of people to to seem like they [TS]

  are being accommodated while they are [TS]

  actually manipulating and it's a very [TS]

  very common thing and I think a if you [TS]

  look for it in life you'll see it all [TS]

  the time and this email I got last night [TS]

  from this person they were trying to [TS]

  manipulate me all you know about trying [TS]

  to manipulate me by presenting the by [TS]

  presenting the art framing the argument [TS]

  that we were having in a certain way [TS]

  such that it seemed fait accompli right [TS]

  that he had already framed the argument [TS]

  and now here here was his elegant [TS]

  solution for and what i was saying was [TS]

  you are not in the position to frame the [TS]

  argument it's not your argument to frame [TS]

  so it is not your argument just [TS]

  something you're acquainted with this [TS]

  wasn't like some random random troll [TS]

  with somebody now [TS]

  yeah this isn't it's another business [TS]

  situation where I'm doing business with [TS]

  somebody and they are trying to and we [TS]

  have a disagreement and then they all of [TS]

  a sudden start using all this weird [TS]

  creepy you know kind of like combining a [TS]

  little bit of like [TS]

  because I because people are so ashamed [TS]

  when they get into a fight and so people [TS]

  are manipulative people are great at at [TS]

  turning that shame into an agent of to [TS]

  accomplish their own goal is a is also a [TS]

  foothold to self-doubt now you make the [TS]

  first and start doubting themselves [TS]

  exactly so they know you're ashamed [TS]

  already that you're in a fight and they [TS]

  just turned they just phrase it in such [TS]

  a way that you doubt your position and [TS]

  then they offer you an elegant solution [TS]

  and in ninety-nine percent of the time [TS]

  people are so relieved to have a [TS]

  solution presented so relieved that the [TS]

  other person is offering you know what [TS]

  appears to be their hand in peace that [TS]

  they don't notice that the argument has [TS]

  been reframed and that the hand in peace [TS]

  is actually just the other person's [TS]

  position the other person is just [TS]

  basically winning by presenting their [TS]

  desire as this as like a compromising [TS]

  that's a big business guy thing I think [TS]

  that's you've talked before about the [TS]

  whole thing we gotta deal with somebody [TS]

  in authority and you know what I mean or [TS]

  somebody with the power the money the [TS]

  way I think that's a very common common [TS]

  way and if you're somebody who has a [TS]

  very strong personality you know if like [TS]

  in your case you're able to say to that [TS]

  person wait a minute you know I don't [TS]

  know what you really want here but like [TS]

  you say you're not in a position to [TS]

  frame this if you're around a very [TS]

  powerful person who is used to doing [TS]

  that all day long and is good at it [TS]

  it can be a hell of a Jedi mind trick [TS]

  because then now you sound uppity you [TS]

  sound like you sound like you're being [TS]

  unreasonable [TS]

  well that's that's the whole game [TS]

  because if you say what know the other [TS]

  person's like hey look i'm just trying [TS]

  to I was trying to help you here i'm [TS]

  just trying to solve this problem and [TS]

  what you guys were really having them to [TS]

  bring it back to the the cheese [TS]

  agreement I think you are even at the at [TS]

  the best and most big hard way having [TS]

  two different conversations wasn't one [TS]

  of them was a conversation about trying [TS]

  to agree on the best utilitarian [TS]

  solution for what we like on our pizza [TS]

  and then the other guy want to be right [TS]

  exactly the other guy wanted to win and [TS]

  he he was so he got he and he was it and [TS]

  what was great about this moment was [TS]

  that he was so invested in his method [TS]

  that his method was exposed [TS]

  you know like he stuck to it just a [TS]

  little bit too long until it was like [TS]

  when there's only three of us here and [TS]

  we are agreeing except for you who but I [TS]

  think ninety-nine percent of the time [TS]

  I've known this guy for years I still no [TS]

  man i like it very much but he had he'd [TS]

  been employing that method his whole [TS]

  life and and most of the time he would [TS]

  just kind of stick to his guns and other [TS]

  people would be kind of talking around [TS]

  and pretty soon it would seem like the [TS]

  logical choice you know what yeah let's [TS]

  just get cheese and if you're like me [TS]

  just get tired of arguing like you just [TS]

  like you know I i don't know i don't [TS]

  have enough energy to continue continue [TS]

  with this [TS]

  yeah that's where I do i do not suffer [TS]

  from that I know that's why i like about [TS]

  the first hour of every show I do not [TS]

  tired of arguing [TS]

  well so here's the thing about the [TS]

  sophistry is the pin and I have a slight [TS]

  pivot here but the the sophistry works [TS]

  great on other people who believe in [TS]

  that sophistry right that where you can [TS]

  play a certain kind of game with [TS]

  somebody right but if the people who [TS]

  agree to disagree [TS]

  who if two people both subscribe [TS]

  subscribe to the I let's agree to [TS]

  disagree philosophy then but nothing [TS]

  will ever be accomplished because they [TS]

  will try and agree to disagree with each [TS]

  other that will be that's there that's [TS]

  the default and if one person says let's [TS]

  agree to disagree the other person has [TS]

  enough that cannot counter because they [TS]

  already believe in agree to disagree [TS]

  with the last argument you lost [TS]

  well I mean I'll i lose arguments are [TS]

  looking around looking for a date and [TS]

  time haha not not an explanation but [TS]

  well how often do you watch last time [TS]

  you lost an argument here [TS]

  I lose them all the time because I [TS]

  because I lose the other person's it's [TS]

  still not answering my castle to the [TS]

  other person's like love like the other [TS]

  person goes it gets so exasperated so [TS]

  exhausted right [TS]

  not because it's not really an argument [TS]

  if you don't lose sometimes otherwise [TS]

  it's just it's a it's a treatise right [TS]

  oh let's see the last the last day the [TS]

  last disagreement i had where both [TS]

  parties knew how to talk about what I'm [TS]

  talking about like you like the Emperor [TS]

  and what am I thinking of here sometimes [TS]

  a big showdown right is too well matched [TS]

  with the Stars and watch lost but you [TS]

  well matched swordsman come up against [TS]

  each other in a fair [TS]

  fight me and somebody's probably going [TS]

  to lose [TS]

  oh well this happens all the time I uh [TS]

  John Hodgman has very strong feelings [TS]

  about culture he's he's very durable and [TS]

  that I do not share he believes certain [TS]

  cultural things are are bulletproof and [TS]

  I believe that they are riddled with [TS]

  bullet holes these cultural things and [TS]

  we will argue about them back and forth [TS]

  and very often he makes a compelling [TS]

  case where I have to say [TS]

  mmm alright you don't that's because [TS]

  he's gonna see if he can last longer [TS]

  than you is one of the rare people who [TS]

  can actually argue longer than you know [TS]

  it isn't a case of arguing a longer or [TS]

  stronger it is a case of of not being [TS]

  here's the thing okay a lot of times [TS]

  when people get into arguments with me [TS]

  they feel overpowered because i have [TS]

  because i replied to everything they say [TS]

  I like I keep I keep the threat of the [TS]

  argument going in my mind I don't get [TS]

  distracted or sidetrack you don't feel [TS]

  the need to settle it quickly in order [TS]

  to like have it be easier on either of [TS]

  you Yeah Yeah right I want to get the [TS]

  key that's a really key thing for people [TS]

  who don't know you well what I want to [TS]

  do is find the truth and I want to get [TS]

  to the truth of whatever the question is [TS]

  that we're talking about and so when I [TS]

  come up against somebody who also is [TS]

  interested in finding the truth and if [TS]

  you find two truths you find that your [TS]

  truth and their truth differ you can [TS]

  find a superior truth there i mean both [TS]

  parties know when one truth is when both [TS]

  truth truths may be equal but one truth [TS]

  is more equal than the other so in those [TS]

  arguments I all I've all the time [TS]

  concede to the other person that their [TS]

  truth is the higher the two who that the [TS]

  arguments the arguments that I feel like [TS]

  fall apart are the ones where the other [TS]

  person doesn't isn't is either not [TS]

  seeking the truth or are just or they [TS]

  just they they get defensive [TS]

  I think you also you sell it really [TS]

  almost as much I think you hate it when [TS]

  people try to use tricks that work on [TS]

  most people with you you seem it strikes [TS]

  me that you take that that just Stokes [TS]

  the fire of how how much you want your [TS]

  truth to be out there because now [TS]

  they're just provoking you not just you [TS]

  but anybody who argues like that I think [TS]

  goes wait a minute that's starting the [TS]

  subject was like some people they used [TS]

  to trick [TS]

  and I and I feel like I feel like but [TS]

  most people are very afraid of the truth [TS]

  and they have no reason to be there just [TS]

  afraid of it because they've never they [TS]

  don't have very much real truth in their [TS]

  lives you know they're living in a panic [TS]

  on a kind of on an island of moss that's [TS]

  built out of all the little lies that [TS]

  they have been told and I'm keep telling [TS]

  themselves and so the idea of looking [TS]

  for the truth it just seems like they're [TS]

  gonna fall down a hole and so there they [TS]

  you know they have all these little [TS]

  tricks and games to redirect [TS]

  conversations back to places they're [TS]

  comfortable or to not go into that realm [TS]

  of ideas where they are you know where [TS]

  they feel threatened and so those tricks [TS]

  you know those those tricks are they [TS]

  serve one purpose only which is to avoid [TS]

  getting to the truth through and if [TS]

  you're arguing about a simple thing like [TS]

  what kind of pizza topping to get on [TS]

  your stuff that what why are you afraid [TS]

  of the truth which is there are three of [TS]

  us here and we can actually come to an [TS]

  agreement on to pizza toppings or if you [TS]

  do want cheese pizza the other [TS]

  do want cheese pizza the other [TS]

  two people are friendly enough that [TS]

  they'll get half cheese that's the [TS]

  traveling part of that I mean I i know [TS]

  you probably suspect you see this is [TS]

  something bigger than just being about [TS]

  pizza but in that instance it's not [TS]

  fucking complicated if you want cheese [TS]

  pizza just be an adult and say when [TS]

  she's pizza and then somebody can [TS]

  respond you like an adult [TS]

  welcome parents might ease the waters [TS]

  when using passive aggressive things we [TS]

  got half uh this is the finale of this [TS]

  pizza thing we got half a sausage and [TS]

  onion half cheese and a nice happy i [TS]

  don't know i said to see what happens [TS]

  like you want cheese pizza say it and [TS]

  when you fucking cheese pizza but you [TS]

  were you were trying to work us you know [TS]

  you're trying to work us and that is [TS]

  never good [TS]

  you know I particularly don't try to [TS]

  work people who are going to see through [TS]

  it like that you're going to really end [TS]

  up being ashamed of yourself you have a [TS]

  friend that wants to do the fundraising [TS]

  thing and they're going to be like in a [TS]

  run and they and they want to back her [TS]

  could be could be somebody whose kid is [TS]

  selling chocolate or something but do [TS]

  for me particularly i gotta say it's the [TS]

  people who are going to go do some run [TS]

  and let's be honest it's frequently for [TS]

  something that they care a lot about [TS]

  like my grandma died because of this [TS]

  thing right now so I'm going over [TS]

  support network [TS]

  yeah so I got his facebook page and I [TS]

  want people to donate stuff like and and [TS]

  you know what you sponsor me and and I'm [TS]

  not that's not really my kind of thing [TS]

  but if I if I like the person and I want [TS]

  to support them i say can I just give [TS]

  you twenty dollars [TS]

  can I just give you fifty dollars haha [TS]

  rather you didn't turn out of cents a [TS]

  mile will do you imagine that they're [TS]

  happy about that [TS]

  no no they're not because it's really [TS]

  about the thing they're doing right and [TS]

  I mean I on a certain way in San [TS]

  Francisco it's kind of like you know if [TS]

  you are you probably got this in seattle [TS]

  where somebody somebody you know comes [TS]

  up to you and you know since they want [TS]

  money for food and food don't want it [TS]

  ready for her to walk over there and say [TS]

  well to carls jr and i'll buy you [TS]

  something and it's not that I'm trying [TS]

  to be a dick it's like if you said to me [TS]

  can I just have some money i would [TS]

  probably more likely to do I don't even [TS]

  have to tell me it's for beer cracker on [TS]

  fucking care but I don't like being [TS]

  played [TS]

  yeah exactly somebody comes up to me [TS]

  like excuse me sir i have a job [TS]

  interview my kid in the car and take a [TS]

  bus to screw off [TS]

  ok so already you're trying to work me [TS]

  I'm bad arguing I don't like it I'm not [TS]

  just saying bagging i generally don't [TS]

  like arguing with people but i'll tell [TS]

  you what gets as you say my dander up [TS]

  and I I'm not flawless at this yet but [TS]

  man I fucking hate the obsession with [TS]

  hypocrisy because i can't believe it [TS]

  it's standing to me how many smart [TS]

  people allow a discussion to be shut [TS]

  down by not just the existence of [TS]

  hypocrisy not just the appearance of [TS]

  hypocrisy but in fact merely the [TS]

  accusation of hypocrisy can be allowed [TS]

  to change what the entire argument is [TS]

  about right right and know whether [TS]

  you're talking about God or whether [TS]

  you're talking about the truth or [TS]

  whether you talking about you know [TS]

  anything [TS]

  let's just talk about the truth like the [TS]

  truth is the truth whether i'm good at [TS]

  it or not like i might suck at the truth [TS]

  but me having this position especially [TS]

  in this age of all the facebook he shit [TS]

  like me having this position about [TS]

  something whether or not i'm good at it [TS]

  or do it correctly or in quote-unquote [TS]

  hypocritical about it like I can't [TS]

  believe how many conversations get shut [TS]

  down once somebody tries to find one [TS]

  instance of where that didn't square up [TS]

  in someone's life [TS]

  yeah it's appalling once you start [TS]

  noticing that accusing someone of [TS]

  hypocrisy is is it's it's one of like 10 [TS]

  really great undergraduate arguing [TS]

  tricks where you know what happened is [TS]

  someone once accused that person of [TS]

  hypocrisy and they realized oh wow that [TS]

  works great [TS]

  all I have to i'm not even listening to [TS]

  this person's argument i'm just [TS]

  listening for what one place where i can [TS]

  insert this like lever of inconsistency [TS]

  and derail their whole thing and it's [TS]

  right people fighting are for trying to [TS]

  find one exception to that being perfect [TS]

  and flawless all the time which you [TS]

  think about is pretty like fucking crazy [TS]

  borderline personality disorder you know [TS]

  and I know as you said it yourself [TS]

  you're not a big fan democracy i'm not a [TS]

  big fan of the kind of hypocrisy [TS]

  we're like I said before I mean where [TS]

  your whole job is to harm somebody based [TS]

  on a thing but then you do that thing [TS]

  like I think it's troubling when when [TS]

  police in the narcotics squad take a lot [TS]

  of money to put people in jail by [TS]

  planting drugs on them that's the kind [TS]

  of hypocrisy and we talked about this on [TS]

  our own my own video program a long time [TS]

  ago right yeah like the kind of inert [TS]

  bullshit and the kind of harmful [TS]

  bullshit and I just got to say like I [TS]

  can't I can't believe how often would [TS]

  you get one of those notes from somebody [TS]

  whether it's a friend or otherwise it's [TS]

  amazing how often if you take a step [TS]

  back and decide you're not bothered by [TS]

  being hypocritical it's amazing how the [TS]

  entire argument changes it falls apart [TS]

  there's so many things people say to [TS]

  each other but accidentally just mean I [TS]

  found a way in my mind that your [TS]

  hypocritical and now we're done here [TS]

  right and and your and and you have [TS]

  you've employed the ninja technique of [TS]

  saying that is right i have conflicting [TS]

  ideas what is your next move right away [TS]

  or you just say you're absolutely right [TS]

  hypocritical uh was or what should we [TS]

  talk about it yeah understanding on the [TS]

  internet on the internet in particular I [TS]

  don't want the internet but I'm just [TS]

  saying like there's so much more like if [TS]

  somebody calls you hypocrite like that [TS]

  that's it you're done Dave their sniper [TS]

  they've got the shot and you're finished [TS]

  go okay i am a hypocrite and like I'm [TS]

  not losing that much sleep over it so [TS]

  now what do you think of me because now [TS]

  you might as well be fuckin hitler-like [TS]

  to them because you're not obsessed with [TS]

  hypocrisy and you know who worries about [TS]

  I'm sorry to go on a thing here but you [TS]

  know worry about hypocrisy people who [TS]

  are extremely fucking hypocritical and [TS]

  are scared to be discovered by somebody [TS]

  I thought you were going to say Hitler [TS]

  well there's a lot of things are worse [TS]

  than Hitler mi hypocritical to say that [TS]

  up as many what weapons inside of me I [TS]

  i'm watching the the Republicans now or [TS]

  conservatives across America discovered [TS]

  this new thing and that and you can see [TS]

  it anytime you open the newspaper now [TS]

  they have finally discovered how to [TS]

  combat the charge that they are racists [TS]

  which is to belief elysees quit playing [TS]

  the race card [TS]

  I mean really good really good [TS]

  conservative like demagogues have been [TS]

  doing this for a long time but it has [TS]

  reached the conservative mainstream now [TS]

  where people are coming out and we're [TS]

  going to see this in this next election [TS]

  going to see it all the time now they [TS]

  come out they say a blatantly racist [TS]

  thing and then when somebody says well [TS]

  that was really racist what you just [TS]

  said they go there you are again liberal [TS]

  playing the race card right that they [TS]

  say the racist thing again and it's a [TS]

  it's brilliant because it's a it's a [TS]

  ninja move right you can't they have [TS]

  flipped it and now they because to their [TS]

  audience [TS]

  of course they're like yeah the race [TS]

  card but even like even reasonable [TS]

  people would might you know these these [TS]

  are moderates or whatever reason in [TS]

  between people they're gonna a lot of [TS]

  them are gonna go [TS]

  yeah why don't those liberal stop [TS]

  playing the race card did you get this [TS]

  thing that Jedi mind-trick intelligent I [TS]

  Ron Paul's ex and cut down on talk about [TS]

  politics on projects like campaign [TS]

  manager Scott's been with him since the [TS]

  late eighties read a really interesting [TS]

  piece and response to all these [TS]

  allegations that wrong policies and ron [TS]

  paul is that and it was i I don't I [TS]

  could give a fucking shit about any of [TS]

  it but it was very interesting and [TS]

  carefully written and well-written and [TS]

  very very entertaining and interesting [TS]

  and was written a wonderful rhetorical [TS]

  style reset okay look here's my bona [TS]

  fides I work for the guy I've been with [TS]

  him every day I did this I did that I [TS]

  did that I'd that means working his [TS]

  presidential campaign and like is crazy [TS]

  campaign in the eighties like he's [TS]

  worked on his stuff in Congress and he [TS]

  said what is a big problem with what [TS]

  everybody says and I love this because [TS]

  it was not about being a liberal is not [TS]

  about being conservative he's saying [TS]

  well is ron paul homophobic know he's an [TS]

  old guy who liked a lot of old guys are [TS]

  kind of uncomfortable being around gay [TS]

  people think it's weird though he does [TS]

  wash his hands after shaking hands with [TS]

  a guy so that's kind of weird [TS]

  okay so it's not my fault but I don't [TS]

  know he's definitely weird no no he's [TS]

  not trying to damn with faint praise if [TS]

  you want is ron is ron paul anti-semitic [TS]

  no he's not he's just he's around a lot [TS]

  of Jewish people all the time in these [TS]

  but you know but you don't like many [TS]

  washes and it's not even that he's just [TS]

  he's what he's doing is humanizing him [TS]

  about all these things that are these [TS]

  hot button issues continue nobody says [TS]

  he says I cannot believe that nobody's [TS]

  noticing how completely fucking out of [TS]

  his gourd he is about foot and policy [TS]

  basically said you guys you you wanna [TS]

  you wanna go make this this electability [TS]

  strong man over here when you should be [TS]

  looking at like how this guy is like a [TS]

  pre-world War One caricature right he's [TS]

  got all his money in gold and silver [TS]

  like you send me that article from the [TS]

  yeah like I said it's not even so much i [TS]

  like you know I like anybody who loves [TS]

  their job is good at it and like talking [TS]

  about it i love talking that person [TS]

  anybody who can write something [TS]

  entertaining about anything I could give [TS]

  a shit about sports but i like i like [TS]

  listening to not cheap alcohol was [TS]

  joking know who's the guy on [TS]

  like people on NPR were like I really [TS]

  care about Texas but like when Wade [TS]

  what's his head from from Texas does [TS]

  reports and with this i don't care about [TS]

  politics somebody write something gets [TS]

  good [TS]

  that's right good writing is good [TS]

  writing what did you did you did you [TS]

  ever read that that after the Keith [TS]

  Richards autobiography came out there [TS]

  was this there was this response from [TS]

  the Mick Jagger was awesome i totally [TS]

  read that was great all amazing i'm [TS]

  reading this thing I'm like this isn't [TS]

  this is a tidal wave this is he shunted [TS]

  so much shit on the mick and that I i [TS]

  heard about fresh air talking about it [TS]

  and half the show was like happy [TS]

  recollections yeah I was like 10 with [TS]

  the we have Keith and we have the first [TS]

  half hours are like happy recollections [TS]

  of crazy rock and roll and the second [TS]

  half was basically just not entirely but [TS]

  was just a lot of him saying oh yeah [TS]

  mix mix the one you know who's a you [TS]

  know a misogynist yea sure-sure mix the [TS]

  one who's all kid he's the one who cares [TS]

  about money and not you know right but [TS]

  like everything's fucked up that's [TS]

  happening in stones apparently because [TS]

  my Jagger according to that reply that [TS]

  supposedly from mick jagger who was such [TS]

  a brilliant piece of writing and at the [TS]

  end of it made me it may be wish so [TS]

  desperately that make it actually [TS]

  written it and it made me wish that that [TS]

  Mick did write it and then that Paul [TS]

  McCartney would write a similar thing [TS]

  and that and that Paul family assume you [TS]

  brought it up let me address some of [TS]

  these pockets you don't mean like okay [TS]

  you know what let's just quit pretending [TS]

  and i'm going to talk about how hurt i [TS]

  am by the shit that you've said and the [TS]

  reality of the situation and you know [TS]

  and of course of course it was a hoax [TS]

  but but a but that's an example of like [TS]

  great writing that that trumps that [TS]

  trumps the lie it's like it's better [TS]

  than anything that could have written [TS]

  it's better than whatever his real kind [TS]

  of mealy-mouthed response was it's [TS]

  better than Keith autobiography [TS]

  I mean good stuff they have very good [TS]

  and you know and if there anybody who [TS]

  thinks about the stuff you think about [TS]

  in terms of doing business and who you [TS]

  can trust like the stuff that happened [TS]

  the rolling stones is mind-boggling the [TS]

  stuff that happened to them in there at [TS]

  the height of their powers in the early [TS]

  seventies will just curl your hair [TS]

  yeah it's ridiculous because it's a [TS]

  perfect [TS]

  Apple's of the kind of shit you and I [TS]

  care a lot about where they like they [TS]

  knew they were getting screwed by the [TS]

  label and certainly this dude comes [TS]

  along wasn't it was it Peter Grant who [TS]

  was it was another Peter Grant was a hot [TS]

  shit what's his name was Collin Klein [TS]

  soundcloud about one comes along those [TS]

  guys guys guys [TS]

  you're being treated so poorly here [TS]

  going this one I got this little [TS]

  you-know-what just sign here and I'll [TS]

  take care of everything and he he [TS]

  basically got their entire Castle huh [TS]

  yeah and there wasn't paying their taxes [TS]

  for four hits but it's the comb-over [TS]

  thing again [TS]

  oh you have once you have a color well [TS]

  no but in 1975 the rolling stones did [TS]

  not have that they were essentially you [TS]

  know trapped in that world of of [TS]

  thinking that they're comb-over isn't [TS]

  noticeable in the sense that they [TS]

  couldn't they just didn't have the [TS]

  perspective that we have now which is [TS]

  hey bald guy shave your head you look [TS]

  great too much Charlie Charlie Watts in [TS]

  particular [TS]

  well Charlie Watts is a great-looking [TS]

  man but I mean I was in a band with a [TS]

  guy who wore a comb-over and an [TS]

  ear-to-ear comb-over he didn't you talk [TS]

  him out of it [TS]

  well it wasn't just me it was kind of [TS]

  all of his friends attending you know [TS]

  he's 25 years old living in the city [TS]

  planning rock bands like any less able [TS]

  two hundred times better right [TS]

  she's wearing this thing this lacquered [TS]

  hair cut from ear to ear and and his [TS]

  friends you know everybody just want one [TS]

  day just said you know what the emperor [TS]

  has no clothes here we gotta start [TS]

  telling him and we were just like hey [TS]

  just cut it off and guys were already [TS]

  shaving their heads it was already a [TS]

  look and finally he did it and it was [TS]

  like I think that first day it was like [TS]

  he was walking outside without any pants [TS]

  on for him he was so fitted in my [TS]

  kitchen the dam at you [TS]

  he looked so great look so great lookin [TS]

  fella he's a good-looking young man a [TS]

  nicely shaped head [TS]

  let's leave it at that yep here it is a [TS]

  beard has kind of a pretty face that you [TS]

  think it's really just want the guns for [TS]

  the gun for [TS]

  but in any case back in the seventies [TS]

  you know they didn't have the awareness [TS]

  that we have [TS]

  of people being ripped off of how to [TS]

  conduct business how to talk straight to [TS]

  each other and you know they're just [TS]

  they're getting blood transfusions Allen [TS]

  Klein stealing their money who I i love [TS]

  that the the story of them in the South [TS]

  of France particularly because Keith had [TS]

  this beautiful mansion right on the [TS]

  water in Captain Teebs or whatever but [TS]

  Charlie Watson bill wyman who did not [TS]

  have the songwriting royalties at the [TS]

  time they also moved to the south of [TS]

  france for tax reasons yeah but when you [TS]

  really find out the story they were [TS]

  living like two hours up the road was [TS]

  horrible story talking about the not the [TS]

  Exile on Main Street era exile on main [TS]

  street it's it's a harrowing story [TS]

  there's a documentary where worm it goes [TS]

  back there and this is the story sounds [TS]

  awful [TS]

  I mean it just sounds it sounds like [TS]

  Keith well I don't back on Keith but [TS]

  you're right they were working with [TS]

  families and i had to commute they had [TS]

  to commute would you like a heroine den [TS]

  in a place in a place where they didn't [TS]

  speak the language and I weren't [TS]

  interested in the culture and all bill [TS]

  wyman wanted was his his brand of [TS]

  biscuits and all Charlie Watts wanted [TS]

  was some mr. Pibbs tea or whatever and I [TS]

  just wanted his jazz records and to be [TS]

  left alone [TS]

  yeah and instead he's driving on these [TS]

  little narrow tiny roads to get down to [TS]

  you know Keith's waterfront mansion and [TS]

  there were so many better ways they [TS]

  could have done it right [TS]

  what's up they could have just been [TS]

  living in a hotel or they could have [TS]

  there's a million things that could have [TS]

  done but they just didn't think they [TS]

  just didn't think it through four guys I [TS]

  wouldn't know when I wouldn't want to [TS]

  hang with them this is this is why I [TS]

  waited we should wrap this up this is [TS]

  why I so love that is I I make this [TS]

  bigger than it should be but that period [TS]

  that you know that paperback rider 232 [TS]

  three-year period for the beatles where [TS]

  they were just like in the studio and [TS]

  stuff was working and I don't John [TS]

  wasn't that happy but like man must've [TS]

  been amazing to be able to just just [TS]

  just come up with stuff like that you [TS]

  know and then I selling Main Street hey [TS]

  what you're feeling is my ministry i was [TS]

  a great out a great album [TS]

  I'm efficient yeah i know i like it i [TS]

  think my rocks off is my favorite [TS]

  rolling stones song period [TS]

  but I don't know sometimes I having [TS]

  trouble getting into it i should listen [TS]

  to it more [TS]

  yes so it was it was it was it must have [TS]

  been near Halloween it must have been [TS]

  something i can probably do this by [TS]

  looking at photos i know i took a photo [TS]

  of this happening and you're visiting [TS]

  here I don't remember why I think you're [TS]

  here by yourself without the band might [TS]

  have been you know Sean I don't remember [TS]

  but as is so often the case we ended up [TS]

  at the walgreens near my home [TS]

  mhm and with with what I remember being [TS]

  very minimum of decision-making or [TS]

  hemming and hawing you bought a cape and [TS]

  I walked in and I saw the Cape i bought [TS]

  the Cape attract a Dracula style costume [TS]

  yeah that's that's what I mean if you if [TS]

  you're going to buy a cake that's how [TS]

  you should buy it don't want a little [TS]

  free backgrounds background looks great [TS]

  nap but it i think i think it's very [TS]

  effeminate for a man to have a mini cape [TS]

  yeah you see a cape you see a big enough [TS]

  tape a luxury escape get the Cape I [TS]

  think I didn't you can't keep wearing it [TS]

  for a while [TS]

  well once I got the cape on I realized [TS]

  why people where I realized why Dracula [TS]

  wears a cape [TS]

  it can see that conceals a multitude of [TS]

  sins [TS]

  it is a minute that makes every entrance [TS]

  and exit extremely dramatic in my case [TS]

  it protected me against the police [TS]

  interference and I at the time of course [TS]

  i was wearing a cape and a western shirt [TS]

  which you don't think of as going [TS]

  together but they go great together a [TS]

  cape and when Dracula cape and western [TS]

  shirt and a cigar as it doesn't [TS]

  wonderful photos turned out really good [TS]

  yeah the thing about that's neat about a [TS]

  cape but it's one thing to be kind of [TS]

  wacky you know it's one thing to have [TS]

  like a t-shirt with an obscenity on and [TS]

  like it's another thing to have like a [TS]

  big fruity Jamiroquai hat like those [TS]

  kinds of things like somebody's like [TS]

  people are like a certain kind of person [TS]

  not a kind of person i would like but a [TS]

  certain kind of person would have no [TS]

  compunction about coming up with just [TS]

  punching in the face because they just [TS]

  think you're stupid but there's [TS]

  something about a tall man in a western [TS]

  shirt with a cape the just it's enough [TS]

  you gotta get to think a little bit just [TS]

  there's a little extra processing going [TS]

  on any of you I i if memory serves you [TS]

  started walking in a slightly more [TS]

  stately way I did I walked I i stood up [TS]

  even more [TS]

  correct and walked a little bit slower [TS]

  and I i am not i don't think we were [TS]

  mistaken the fact that people were [TS]

  literally crossing to the other side of [TS]

  the street [TS]

  rather than just encountered what you [TS]

  think you think about a man's the [TS]

  Chinese man became an American man [TS]

  wearing a cape and a Chinese part of [TS]

  town and and and and so on the face of [TS]

  it you think oh this guy's gonna be like [TS]

  laughing to himself and running around [TS]

  throwing poop but but you look like [TS]

  someone who's trying to solve a very [TS]

  important problem [TS]

  oh you have the reality would have a [TS]

  look i know i might just be remembering [TS]

  from the photos we took which you didn't [TS]

  leave you some of them for promotional [TS]

  photos but you had a look of a very very [TS]

  serious man that was somewhat at odds [TS]

  with the western shore and the Cape but [TS]

  that just made it work even better [TS]

  yeah well I put on my thinking cape and [TS]

  I still where I still put on that cable [TS]

  one day I I thought it was just a San [TS]

  Francisco thing when you were on stage [TS]

  but you you wore it to at least to enter [TS]

  the stage I have learned at a rock [TS]

  concert yes up i worked on stage and [TS]

  then at the end of the night I forget it [TS]

  was it might have even been duff mckagan [TS]

  but some some rock person who is a who's [TS]

  an actual rock person said you know you [TS]

  walked out on that cape and no one in [TS]

  this room nobody in this city [TS]

  understood that they were seeing the [TS]

  most rock-and-roll moment of the year [TS]

  they didn't even know where to put it in [TS]

  their minds and they just stood there [TS]

  mouths a cape [TS]

  well I played that first song in a [TS]

  flowing black capes you think away that [TS]

  James Brown and you think of who's a [TS]

  spelling you screamin Jay Hawkins [TS]

  screamin Jay Hawkins right about how [TS]

  many more people except for some [TS]

  fruitcake into the second delicate how [TS]

  many how many men Freddie Mercury good [TS]

  one [TS]

  what was that when they working well I [TS]

  think he I i I'm sure he were cape oh [TS]

  wait that guy from from that band [TS]

  where's the band where the the one guy [TS]

  in pigtails does the singing and the [TS]

  other guy who wears a cape and play the [TS]

  keyboards sparks [TS]

  something for the Dracula with the very [TS]

  thing [TS]