Roderick on the Line

Ep. 30: "Cement Gravy Boat of Suffering"


  hello hi John [TS]

  I'm Merlin how's it going earlier man [TS]

  you were stick on the last one you'll [TS]

  stick [TS]

  I don't know what's up to use your call [TS]

  what's your side right that's yours [TS]

  that's your side which you mad if I did [TS]

  it again go ahead we get sick of you [TS]

  tell me already [TS]

  yep John ah haha see i think it's [TS]

  working you if you like it [TS]

  getting grow you you grumbled a lot of [TS]

  him he didn't have a shady i really [TS]

  liked your performance of that one you [TS]

  know why i invested I iphone get em i [TS]

  penetrated that performance when you [TS]

  invest yourself in something really do [TS]

  go all the way that's when trouble [TS]

  starts the investment that hurts when [TS]

  you invest in yourself in baking bacon [TS]

  thank you that changed everybody's life [TS]

  you know I'm like I'm like a lady when [TS]

  you come to our house [TS]

  mm I really you just made myself clear i [TS]

  am i'm like a lady I mean my wife's like [TS]

  a lady all the time where she wants you [TS]

  to be comfortable I don't know why she [TS]

  cares so much about you being [TS]

  comfortable but we go shopping for you [TS]

  we bought you told i told you what my [TS]

  daughter said we were the day before you [TS]

  arrive for your last visit here it's [TS]

  been long enough we can talk about this [TS]

  we went to the lucky formerly from [TS]

  albertsons and we filled a grocery cart [TS]

  with food in anticipation now it's not [TS]

  that you're always gonna eat or drink [TS]

  everything we get but we have learned [TS]

  right it is it pays to prepare sure you [TS]

  want to have a full selection of [TS]

  different fruity juices [TS]

  well you know yes busy waters busy wires [TS]

  we want you to have enough flexibility [TS]

  that you could make at least three kinds [TS]

  of fruity pleasers you have your [TS]

  choosing and may I share this with you [TS]

  may share with our audience what I said [TS]

  to my daughter please [TS]

  ok my daughters in the car were rolling [TS]

  along she's either goldfish crackers and [TS]

  she says daddy why are we buying so much [TS]

  stuff huh [TS]

  and I said because we love uncle john [TS]

  and and anytime that ugly John is not [TS]

  talking he's eating and then she went [TS]

  back to your goldfish cracker she find [TS]

  in here the end [TS]

  I didn't really care yeah just think it [TS]

  was next thing that she wants it was [TS]

  much more confusing to me why you had [TS]

  covered everything in your house with [TS]

  saran wrap [TS]

  yeah well development Italy we bought we [TS]

  bought a kind of it's actually a dowel [TS]

  Polly plastic i think it's called a look [TS]

  at the invoice but it's it's a very [TS]

  imagine an industrial-grade saran wrap [TS]

  like it's rated for people from alaska [TS]

  right because you knew i had a silicon [TS]

  allergy seem like a lady [TS]

  I much like a lady and physical don't [TS]

  make John coffee anymore than he has to [TS]

  well you know you are one of those men [TS]

  who has embraced the idea that being a [TS]

  modern man means being sensitive to [TS]

  other people [TS]

  you pussy I wasn't a pussy okay thank [TS]

  you i was gonna say you know considerate [TS]

  vagina haha well you know what it is I [TS]

  always so looking forward I'm one of [TS]

  those guys who's practicing the older [TS]

  style of being a man which is to be [TS]

  unaware of other people which is hoping [TS]

  but not trying that hard to not have [TS]

  things fall on the floor like hoping no [TS]

  one sees it but not going nuts to make [TS]

  sure you know if I'm eating something [TS]

  and it falls and something a bit of it [TS]

  falls on the floor i do i'm a very [TS]

  considerate person that I put my foot on [TS]

  it right away so you don't even you [TS]

  don't have to think about tonight we're [TS]

  gonna play a game called one of us [TS]

  doesn't get a cutlet haha it's going to [TS]

  be musical cutlets but no I like that [TS]

  about you your of Europe you're still [TS]

  having trouble closing the door when you [TS]

  urinate which is not trouble it's just [TS]

  that my daughter and my daughter needs [TS]

  to see that you know what I don't want [TS]

  to I don't want to talk too much about [TS]

  your house no one of those bathroom [TS]

  doors that if you close it ninety-eight [TS]

  percent of the ways it appears to it [TS]

  appears to be closed or it appears to be [TS]

  98% loans which is about as much as i [TS]

  want to close the bathroom door i know i [TS]

  said if I accept your policy i'm sorry i [TS]

  totally services standing at you're [TS]

  doing something else you don't think [TS]

  about doors your standard the toilet and [TS]

  then the door starts to just on its own [TS]

  swing open and then you're you're right [TS]

  at the point in a urination where you're [TS]

  fully you're fully committed [TS]

  20-year old man could stop and close the [TS]

  door but that's gonna be that could be [TS]

  you could be we can bet for you you know [TS]

  yeah it's a I haven't been doing my [TS]

  Kegel exercises and I and then when you [TS]

  hear the doorknob slam into the wall and [TS]

  you turn around and they're just there [TS]

  in front of God and everybody is in your [TS]

  old hood and iron man come back but your [TS]

  little four-year-old with an iron man [TS]

  comic and some goldfish crackers going [TS]

  what am I seeing what ru because all [TS]

  because of Eleanor when Uncle John is [TS]

  not eating or talking he's urinating [TS]

  prodigiously here [TS]

  okay I think our house might have once [TS]

  been owned by German expressionist [TS]

  because there's parts of it to feel a [TS]

  little bit cabinet of dr. Caligari there [TS]

  are a lot of non right angles that are [TS]

  very subtle and I don't like you're [TS]

  going to Mystery House is out of the [TS]

  what is it the is that was a Remington [TS]

  who's the gun people [TS]

  yeah the remington mystery house i'm [TS]

  pretty sure that's where they can wait [TS]

  winchester Winchester Mystery House [TS]

  right thinking about the cult mystery [TS]

  height I think you're thinking about [TS]

  that [TS]

  oh my god of wonders it's the [TS]

  Kalashnikov condo that you're thinking [TS]

  of [TS]

  yeah yeah maybe they're jumping they're [TS]

  johnnytravel I across this great country [TS]

  at this great planet of ours have you [TS]

  ever been to the Winchester Mystery [TS]

  House i have been to the Winchester [TS]

  Mystery House and I've I've looked up [TS]

  the staircases to nowhere and gone into [TS]

  the rooms of many mysteries but opened [TS]

  the doors that lead to other doors [TS]

  um I was nonplussed who I felt like they [TS]

  were not either there were not enough [TS]

  mysteries in the Winchester Mystery [TS]

  House or we weren't being you're being [TS]

  allowed into all the mysteries you know [TS]

  history's in the Winchester Mystery [TS]

  House that we had not paid the higher [TS]

  admission price to see i see didn't get [TS]

  to see the gun's probably know it's like [TS]

  when you go to various I you you get you [TS]

  can pay the small you can play the [TS]

  normal fee [TS]

  yeah they called lehand mirror with [TS]

  shelby said that once you walk around [TS]

  you go [TS]

  mm you did you do a little bit of [TS]

  Griswold as you walk through the places [TS]

  but uh but then there's the then you can [TS]

  pay the exorbitant fee [TS]

  huh and they let you like they let you [TS]

  have sex and Louis quatorze is [TS]

  bed and you can you can actually take it [TS]

  take a shit behind the curtains like [TS]

  they used to do in the old days that [TS]

  right yeah you can really have the full [TS]

  versi experience I think you know [TS]

  there's a lot of secrets secret places [TS]

  like that that disney world there's a [TS]

  there's a place there's a honeymoon [TS]

  suite inside of Cinderella's castle now [TS]

  so you can go up there and yeah yeah if [TS]

  you you know getting married at disney [TS]

  world Sean I don't know if you'll ever [TS]

  get married because I just ask you [TS]

  please literally to never get married at [TS]

  disney world there are ppl shagging in [TS]

  Cinderella's castle yeah people try to [TS]

  enjoy like I like Mickey Mouse popsicle [TS]

  under somebody up there like that was [TS]

  just trying to enjoy a Mickey Mouse [TS]

  obstacle can I just kind of make one [TS]

  very small point here there's probably [TS]

  not a lot of straight men in the world [TS]

  who are thinking finally I get to sleep [TS]

  in Cinderella's castle [TS]

  I'm thinking there's a lot of trade-offs [TS]

  to that I'm thinking maybe he's banging [TS]

  her in the behind for the first time [TS]

  because she's in fucking Cinderella's [TS]

  castle [TS]

  Wow no no your I'm saying quid pro [TS]

  Colonel he's getting his reward these [TS]

  keys to be Prince Charming right and who [TS]

  and what better way to be prince [TS]

  charming fantasy literature the get [TS]

  nothing but he's a slipper but the yum [TS]

  now is your chance that our listeners [TS]

  are not familiar with the mysteries of [TS]

  the Winchester Mystery House because [TS]

  it's kind of an interesting story don't [TS]

  you know we we have we have listeners [TS]

  all around the world their listeners in [TS]

  Germany and hungry or Sweden sweet up [TS]

  all of all of us can do via there are [TS]

  people listening what about Romania [TS]

  everybody from Romania no i don't i have [TS]

  i do not i'm not aware of anyone in [TS]

  Romania most politics jonathan from the [TS]

  politics listening I'm sure that right [TS]

  now in Latvia there's someone who has a [TS]

  german friend that turned him on to this [TS]

  podcast and they're sitting in here [TS]

  sitting up there in their artists carrot [TS]

  in 58 correctly signal with a very small [TS]

  speaker he still has me doing and maybe [TS]

  that's a fact okay and we know in Africa [TS]

  that they probably don't because they're [TS]

  using all the available space for water [TS]

  i'm going to guess i'm gonna guess that [TS]

  there are people in Africa listening but [TS]

  I i'm going to suspect that they are in [TS]

  there working [TS]

  for an NGO there in the Peace Corps and [TS]

  we're probably literally the only source [TS]

  of sanity in America that they have yeah [TS]

  right every every week they they go into [TS]

  their little inner sanctum that they [TS]

  made out of 5 gallon gas cans and just [TS]

  stacked up five-gallon gas cans in a [TS]

  square and put a roof on it and they go [TS]

  in there and they say take me to America [TS]

  water on the line take me back to [TS]

  America but in that case in that case I [TS]

  think it would be self-involved for us [TS]

  not to show this is the first of all [TS]

  hello and welcome Bienvenu they'll come [TS]

  into all of our friends overseas you're [TS]

  enjoying this a common except for the [TS]

  Germans all of you are welcome now [TS]

  believe [TS]

  excuse me I'm sorry was that it was [TS]

  announced to believe now that said the [TS]

  dutch word that means please and thank [TS]

  you can bet you literally not get me [TS]

  started on the Dutch ok so also glue so [TS]

  thank you first of all I hope that I [TS]

  hope that you're very cozy but well [TS]

  ventilated an insight of your various [TS]

  drums and buckets was a great XTC record [TS]

  by the way um social drums and buckets [TS]

  just lucky that's Chris Wallace [TS]

  production style is that right now huh [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  15 gallons of a paint or their liquid [TS]

  you're about to explain the remington [TS]

  mystery house that's right the requested [TS]

  the cult the cult mystery sidearm it's [TS]

  that there's a house somewhere south of [TS]

  san francisco which in which is yes then [TS]

  way san jose is that right [TS]

  it's in one of those places in in [TS]

  California where all the freeways [TS]

  intersect you know later Brandon said no [TS]

  one is obligated to appreciate cities [TS]

  outside of San Francisco not during [TS]

  their lifetime [TS]

  that's how we look at everything it's [TS]

  like the people in New York and New [TS]

  Yorker cover of account New Yorker see [TS]

  the rest of the United States yeah river [TS]

  and then Pacific Ocean and then [TS]

  something something police [TS]

  yeah so there was a famous manufacturer [TS]

  of firearms who would you call him a [TS]

  barren wasn't Winchester kind of a baron [TS]

  i would say that he was at firearms [TS]

  Baron he was not a baron in the sense of [TS]

  being a member of the European [TS]

  aristocracy being unable to have [TS]

  children [TS]

  he was not barren like I'm sure that [TS]

  his article definitely an article in [TS]

  front of their mr. Winchester's womb was [TS]

  very was a was a week on the Kennedy [TS]

  right there was a rocky place for my [TS]

  seat could find no purchase so anyway [TS]

  mr. Winchester had a lot of people [TS]

  killed with his with his otherwise [TS]

  that's a weird kind of sorry sorry he [TS]

  had a lot of people very happy them kill [TS]

  property protected my own stories don't [TS]

  kill people know now clichés kill [TS]

  people [TS]

  yeah so he made guns and he eventually [TS]

  died he had no I had no way of knowing [TS]

  how those guns were going to be and this [TS]

  could be used to prop open doors to let [TS]

  us have done [TS]

  yeah circle back to that ok so what did [TS]

  your writing things down now I'm not a [TS]

  fake scribbling i'll send it to you send [TS]

  you pictures I'm acting like I'm writing [TS]

  stop talking about this [TS]

  the now hehe had yet many of money like [TS]

  Jesus it wasn't rich like hell you know [TS]

  Jesus very popular belief Jesus was not [TS]

  a wealthy man [TS]

  ok please continue but don't you think [TS]

  that he you know what he wasn't as [TS]

  Richard believe with Randolph Hearst but [TS]

  he was a rich man from having made the [TS]

  guns that kill the Indian Jesus did that [TS]

  yeah jesus killed the Indians who has a [TS]

  way of paving the way for the Mormon [TS]

  became an african-american know the [TS]

  Winchester rifles were a key to opening [TS]

  the west which is a euphemism one bullet [TS]

  all it's not after the euphemism for [TS]

  killing Buffalo and made of Americans [TS]

  yes those were 21 great guns with that [TS]

  he did go great comes with that and a [TS]

  big house he built himself a house and [TS]

  look this up on wiki I'm gonna wing it [TS]

  but when he passed away and left a very [TS]

  large fortune and I I forgive me if I [TS]

  get this wrong but I believe the story [TS]

  goes that mrs. Winchester something [TS]

  something was very interested in mediums [TS]

  or media and somebody talk to her and [TS]

  some of the point is that she was in a [TS]

  position in her life where she was [TS]

  receptive to the idea that if she ever [TS]

  stop completing the Winchester mansion [TS]

  something bad would happen [TS]

  oh I think what it was was that she felt [TS]

  that the that the souls of all the [TS]

  people that had been killed by her [TS]

  husband's rifles were a haunting her [TS]

  chasing right perhaps [TS]

  learn what it was awesome delusion is [TS]

  associate delusion it so it's amazing [TS]

  and she had the money to build this [TS]

  house in with all these false stairways [TS]

  that went up to no plans but that's the [TS]

  thing she ran out of real stuff to build [TS]

  and then she was like she's like the [TS]

  ultimate like kind of person i tried to [TS]

  help she's like the ultimate [TS]

  procrastinator like crazy person she's [TS]

  nothing useful to do anymore but lots of [TS]

  money and time and so she had workers I [TS]

  think I don't say around the clock but i [TS]

  believe around the clock like building [TS]

  whatever including now go ahead with [TS]

  lots of things building whatever in [TS]

  order to fool the ghosts that were [TS]

  walking around the house looking for her [TS]

  so the ghosts are like trying doors and [TS]

  going upstairs and all this door leads [TS]

  nowhere and the dog shakes its ghostly [TS]

  fists are a gesture [TS]

  I'll first I get killed by a rifle and [TS]

  now I find steps to come nowhere and so [TS]

  she's living I'm sure she was living in [TS]

  like like most old ladies she was living [TS]

  in one room with a hot plate cats and [TS]

  cats goes without saying she was [TS]

  watching her stories some in a room off [TS]

  the kitchen x-files dvds and this and [TS]

  this house that went for 15 blocks as [TS]

  full of ghosts all wandering around [TS]

  going like have you did you go up that [TS]

  staircase there doesn't go anywhere [TS]

  ah their doorways that would open and [TS]

  there'll be nothing on the other side [TS]

  would like you know sort of like [TS]

  something like from monty python you [TS]

  open the door there's your outside [TS]

  there's nothing you step off and you die [TS]

  but they were deliberate subterfuge [TS]

  we're also things with maybe like steps [TS]

  that go up into nothing as you say [TS]

  ya know it sounds like your experience [TS]

  there was one in which you you having a [TS]

  limited level of engagement there wasn't [TS]

  a lot there to catch your attention but [TS]

  I if I if you don't mind my asking again [TS]

  we can literally cut this out of its a [TS]

  problem you must have in some ways been [TS]

  like all the other things we cut out of [TS]

  this podcast i just can't even done [TS]

  don't let me start with how many things [TS]

  that come out of this podcast there's [TS]

  like three things I've cut out of this [TS]

  podcast that's how it gets so good as i [TS]

  take anything it's not really really [TS]

  really good that you've taken out all [TS]

  three instances where you said nigger [TS]

  nigger nigger [TS]

  oh yeah well like that nine of them had [TS]

  to take them all out [TS]

  yeah well here's what happened i went to [TS]

  visit the Winchester a mystery house yes [TS]

  in the seventies who during the nineteen [TS]

  seventies when I was a she's long dead [TS]

  at this [TS]

  point obviously she's choose a dead lady [TS]

  now and when this is a house that you [TS]

  pay three dollars to go visit but this [TS]

  was during the era [TS]

  I don't have to tell you about the [TS]

  seventies now this was during the era [TS]

  that that the Bermuda Triangle was a [TS]

  really big deal in search of that's [TS]

  right and it was the era when Bigfoot [TS]

  was a really big deal and project [TS]

  Bluebook Loch Ness monster Loch Ness [TS]

  monster these were there was a there [TS]

  there were a lot of supernatural [TS]

  instances supernatural events in the [TS]

  seventies that would you know that [TS]

  captured the imagination of young boys [TS]

  all across America so when I went to the [TS]

  Winchester Mystery House and was told [TS]

  that it had many many secret passages to [TS]

  fool all of the ghosts of the American [TS]

  Indians that talk like Mel Brooks dole [TS]

  cheese they uh I you know I went into [TS]

  this place thinking that I was gonna get [TS]

  spooked I was gonna have some haunting [TS]

  happening but there was some girl from [TS]

  from Stanford wearing a like a a vest [TS]

  like somebody who worked at home depot [TS]

  but it was guiding us around this place [TS]

  pointing out all the you know look this [TS]

  is a doorknob [TS]

  but there's no door it's just a doorknob [TS]

  in a wall but and I was like that's [TS]

  going to fool a ghost by three dollars [TS]

  tak hai that's not going to fool a ghost [TS]

  and this is why i asked John this is he [TS]

  this is the thing and you're a man who [TS]

  actually put this you're a man with a [TS]

  very active mind and you can imagine the [TS]

  world's right you were there you seen [TS]

  that what is that the the sea beams at [TS]

  the tensor case you've been there you [TS]

  see all of this right watched attack [TS]

  ships Bruce you seen it all over Ryan [TS]

  yeah you seen it on then that's good [TS]

  that's gotta be one of the greatest [TS]

  monologue of all types amazing [TS]

  here's the thing in retrospect in as [TS]

  much as you can share and I will [TS]

  literally cut this out if it's a problem [TS]

  if you hypothetically were a person who [TS]

  were consumers concerned about ghosts [TS]

  especially in their home is that the [TS]

  kind of strategy that you would have [TS]

  taken what you put doorknobs in a while [TS]

  would you made a stairway to nowhere [TS]

  well here's the thing [TS]

  although i do not have a lot of uh you [TS]

  know I I'm a science minded person you [TS]

  know who that I have bomb i have a weak [TS]

  spot [TS]

  I have an Achilles heel one of my many [TS]

  heels that are kill I is that I get [TS]

  spooked by ghosts and that sometimes my [TS]

  pillows turn towels and occasionally [TS]

  when i'm home alone if i'm watching a [TS]

  television program about aliens grabbing [TS]

  people off of a desert road i can become [TS]

  convinced that the aliens are also on [TS]

  the roof of my house waiting for me to [TS]

  go to sleep I don't know why this is I [TS]

  don't know why I made this way it's a [TS]

  zombies the seat is there [TS]

  yeah right exactly the seat is there and [TS]

  I have spent many a sleepless night in a [TS]

  strange house uh being spooked by being [TS]

  haunted by by hans and when I want about [TS]

  my house I may have told you this when i [TS]

  bought my house I i walked through and [TS]

  laid down in every room in the house was [TS]

  empty before I before I signed the deed [TS]

  laid my head down in every corner and [TS]

  just close my eyes and was quiet and [TS]

  said are there any spooks hear anyone [TS]

  spooky did you say it aloud sure and I [TS]

  was convinced that there were no spooks [TS]

  in my house that all i got back from the [TS]

  universe where good vibes and in fact I [TS]

  learned later that that the that an old [TS]

  man died in my house of old Moses and [TS]

  and because i had gone around the house [TS]

  and had checked out that there were no [TS]

  spooks here I was fine with the fact [TS]

  that someone had died here because it he [TS]

  clearly died peacefully and well don't [TS]

  know there's not that many better ways [TS]

  to die than old- died of old missing [TS]

  your own you can do a lot worse you [TS]

  could die of something besides oldest [TS]

  outside the house right right yeah so [TS]

  you're not going to haunt a place where [TS]

  you died of baldness from from being [TS]

  happy [TS]

  you might bring fresh fruit you are [TS]

  going to make sure that the lawn is [TS]

  green who you're going to make sure that [TS]

  the bet the birds are saying so and i [TS]

  only want my mom bought her house in 15 [TS]

  years ago I did the exact same thing I [TS]

  went and laid down in all the corners [TS]

  and I said and he spooks here [TS]

  anyone got a problem anyone have [TS]

  something I'd like to say before I [TS]

  commit to being here and it was a spook [TS]

  free house and I went to my mom and I [TS]

  said I think you can safely buy this [TS]

  house and what was her response be no I [TS]

  didn't tell her that I can always hold [TS]

  it with your mind i said no i haven't [TS]

  told her with my mouth but I didn't tell [TS]

  her what i had done I said I'm gonna go [TS]

  take a look at this house and let me [TS]

  know you walking around with a tool belt [TS]

  and Stanley outstanding major in a stud [TS]

  finder [TS]

  yeah and then lay down and listen for [TS]

  ghost came back and your wife some [TS]

  drywall off of your coveralls and said [TS]

  it's okay mom [TS]

  yeah I went down and check the pipes i [TS]

  rattled the furnace it jiggle the toilet [TS]

  a little bit that's the technical term [TS]

  ego rattling furnace yeah always that's [TS]

  a GD rattling yeah you go down around [TS]

  the furnace and then if it's everything [TS]

  just a certain way it should sound your [TS]

  rattle it should be no rattles around [TS]

  which it should rattle you want to put a [TS]

  little bit of play in that battle the [TS]

  furnace and rattles you know it sounds [TS]

  like I should check that I think we [TS]

  might have to tighten first we have a [TS]

  tight furnace will go round with anybody [TS]

  spooks get out [TS]

  so anyway anything you working on that [TS]

  house a lot like you spent a lot of time [TS]

  with you know what to tell you but you [TS]

  you've yeah yeah and learns to later how [TS]

  much you and your mom did to that place [TS]

  it's a beautiful house we got to the [TS]

  house and we built it but i think that [TS]

  you can get a house that's full of [TS]

  Spooks and you're not going to get the [TS]

  spooks out of there and then there's a [TS]

  load-bearing spoofs yeah exactly exactly [TS]

  you're the look you don't want to move a [TS]

  load-bearing spook if it's it's the only [TS]

  thing that's holding the roof up that's [TS]

  right [TS]

  so in any case my house my mom's house [TS]

  both spook free abodes and we have lived [TS]

  here in our respective homes for many [TS]

  years never been troubled by scoops [TS]

  that is not to say that sometimes my [TS]

  pillows don't turn to howells but i [TS]

  think that is unrelated but you never [TS]

  saw so far you've been lucky in the [TS]

  sense that you're feeling in your heart [TS]

  or mind or whatever it is you have is [TS]

  that there may be some learning from [TS]

  there okay your esophagus somewhere in [TS]

  your esophagus [TS]

  no more suspect something's going on now [TS]

  you're a man who's very kind of setup I [TS]

  need to your very vigilant right you [TS]

  dive you dive out of the subway you dive [TS]

  into an airplane and exactly the right [TS]

  time and it seems to me you're not that [TS]

  spooked by the Owls you literally [TS]

  grabbed and went back to 60 it sounds to [TS]

  me like so far you have not had to adopt [TS]

  anything like a Winchester Mystery House [TS]

  approach to making the ghost go away [TS]

  dealt with this or they've dealt with [TS]

  you you've reached something like a [TS]

  rapprochement with them and everything's [TS]

  okay [TS]

  correct baka over the years i have i [TS]

  ever tell you the story about that house [TS]

  in Vermont [TS]

  yeah I'm just coming to that yeah so [TS]

  there's that house in Vermont where the [TS]

  people put me in the in this spook room [TS]

  and they thought it was funny [TS]

  they thought it was funny like all we [TS]

  were wondering if you're going to feel [TS]

  the spook she's that's like putting up [TS]

  elected as like playing epileptic in the [TS]

  in the in the flash strobe light room [TS]

  the stroke leg room [TS]

  yeah well you know I have a strobe light [TS]

  room here and I just always steer the [TS]

  epileptics away again like your dinner [TS]

  and I think you'd like this room over [TS]

  here much fun little with the ghost but [TS]

  but you know I spent that night [TS]

  Crouch to with a knife between my teeth [TS]

  waiting for whatever a whatever spook it [TS]

  was it was going to come through i don't [TS]

  know we're always gonna come but I don't [TS]

  think if i put a fake doorknob on the on [TS]

  the wall of the closet that would fool [TS]

  that's broken all you need already knew [TS]

  even though there was something in your [TS]

  intuition that said this is serious like [TS]

  I need to get a knife for this ghost [TS]

  potentially you had the presence of mind [TS]

  your rational man John it's something [TS]

  that you've talked about really way too [TS]

  much but the fact is you're rational man [TS]

  you know a doorknob is not going to full [TS]

  of ghosts right i don't think you can [TS]

  fool a ghost [TS]

  oh yes because they already are in there [TS]

  they're like low-key with the Avengers [TS]

  like he's already been there he knows [TS]

  what's going on right I'm not remember [TS]

  that reference was that are like a dora [TS]

  the explorer reference can in Norse [TS]

  mythology it's something you can look up [TS]

  on the 00 Norse mythology [TS]

  yeah so usually the worst stores brother [TS]

  and source brother who is the god of [TS]

  mischief and lying wants to become the [TS]

  god Odin takes over [TS]

  although Thor's 21 so low-key fucks [TS]

  things up and then that's why they have [TS]

  to start the adventures as it is not [TS]

  that complicated just something you [TS]

  learned during your church burning fans [TS]

  are you talking about when i was in that [TS]

  that Swedish death metal band [TS]

  the the sweetest death metal was saying [TS]

  that stuff a lot of terrible but some [TS]

  was really good i have not that is one [TS]

  musical genre i have not really given [TS]

  I'm gonna pick exactly one band i sent [TS]

  you exactly one video for one band and I [TS]

  out it's not it's I think these guys all [TS]

  we're like King Diamond make a so [TS]

  there's two you should come back to this [TS]

  there's there's two there's the [TS]

  Norwegian black metal and the Swedish [TS]

  death metal you want to go with the [TS]

  Swedish death metal the Norwegian black [TS]

  metal is very very silly look like pro [TS]

  wrestlers and then if you imagine this [TS]

  look one kind of like a boss pedal when [TS]

  they turn the like this the trouble and [TS]

  though it's so I have that pedal i can [TS]

  make one can i make make just one [TS]

  observation [TS]

  yeah okay here's my observation and I [TS]

  don't want to do pull up bad memories [TS]

  for you but you had the ghost concern in [TS]

  the house and was a Vermont Vermont you [TS]

  slept in the van one night in your and [TS]

  you're all together and were attacked by [TS]

  my front yard and you know outside our [TS]

  home and out of the park came soldiers [TS]

  from which war i believe they were civil [TS]

  war soldiers of a war that you thought [TS]

  it was their Confederates but it didn't [TS]

  make any sense because of course there [TS]

  were no civil war battles fought in San [TS]

  Francisco that you know of but that [TS]

  doesn't mean you know in seattle there [TS]

  is a civil war cemetery where all of the [TS]

  veterans of the Civil War were buried at [TS]

  the town after they moved it well they [TS]

  could be they could be organized in the [TS]

  afterlife they could all be buried there [TS]

  and be like hey wait a minute and that [TS]

  that you are I've been reading a civil [TS]

  war book and i gotta tell you i don't [TS]

  think that fits in is it going with the [TS]

  wind [TS]

  yeah no no it's called April 18650 [TS]

  you're reading a nonfiction civil war [TS]

  book i usually read Harlequin romances [TS]

  about the period up with a lot of [TS]

  troubles in Richmond sure it did take [TS]

  dogs and shit [TS]

  yeah well little shit aah shit and well [TS]

  they would pick through corn never pick [TS]

  through for corn they would go through [TS]

  horse down to find what they could and [TS]

  it's just corn rocky about telling your [TS]

  erotic these this is the Richmond was a [TS]

  place and you can learn about this from [TS]

  a song by the band called the night they [TS]

  drove old dixie down with varying story [TS]

  i'll recommend the book is April 1865 [TS]

  and then on another occasion we won home [TS]

  yeah i know god bless him that yet that [TS]

  performance of [TS]

  that at the fillmore i put on my [TS]

  internet website got its great different [TS]

  from the last waltz had to date so much [TS]

  cocaine this guy's everybody in the last [TS]

  waltz is high on cocaine in almost all [TS]

  the time now that rectangle got real [TS]

  puffy and then he died he was such a [TS]

  good-looking man when he was young it [TS]

  was a good looking very good man this [TS]

  guy's could sing we should talk about [TS]

  the band something we could they want [TS]

  with a trained ID like the band [TS]

  how do i did he ask a question like that [TS]

  I asked about kissing you like them [TS]

  well here's the difference bring kiss [TS]

  and the band accounts mine kiss are [TS]

  terrible and the band one of the most [TS]

  important groups of our generation [TS]

  that's a-ok you can make a little file [TS]

  card or just you know you could tattoo [TS]

  that on your thumb so potential goes to [TS]

  Vermont knife in the teeth you're naked [TS]

  in the van in front of my house and [TS]

  there might be some Confederate soldiers [TS]

  on one occasion there might have been [TS]

  aliens rattling your door on occasion [TS]

  fairly recently all of your pillows turn [TS]

  the Owls made note just in passing that [TS]

  in several of these instances you have [TS]

  attempted on some level to communicate [TS]

  with the spirits that may or may not be [TS]

  there and in each instance that you've [TS]

  shared with me so far they have been [TS]

  mute correct [TS]

  so you're talking to them they're not [TS]

  talking to you you're pretty sure [TS]

  they're there but they're not really [TS]

  responding in a way they're not [TS]

  responding the way that you can [TS]

  understand its response correct creating [TS]

  lucky with you at all are they ignoring [TS]

  you [TS]

  ah they do not ever materialized to the [TS]

  point where i can or where I'm [TS]

  confidently they're communicating with [TS]

  them directly understand they are they [TS]

  they remain a they remain a suspicion [TS]

  and they become just like what collate [TS]

  enough they just become their there [TS]

  enough that it goes from there might be [TS]

  something up here till they keep your [TS]

  pretty sure that's a now you're pretty [TS]

  sure that was an owl right all the owl's [TS]

  there's no question about it but they [TS]

  are actually friends that we talked [TS]

  about oranges apples and oranges and [TS]

  owls are you talking about girls are [TS]

  different but the Owls are different [TS]

  from the potential aren't aliens even [TS]

  the right word the visitors the Aldens [TS]

  you get the avian you get the visit [TS]

  hills were clearly visitors but they [TS]

  were [TS]

  they took a physical form where normally [TS]

  it's just like the hair goes up on the [TS]

  back of your neck one night for instance [TS]

  i was sleeping on the beach [TS]

  we outside outside of a town called [TS]

  noordwijk on the on the Dutch coast [TS]

  spell that word white guy like it sounds [TS]

  yeah and 0 rd her dik wi j lam gonna [TS]

  okay like you're weak ok is there is [TS]

  there like a little is there a little [TS]

  less / through one of the O's know [TS]

  there's 2 o's and I think they're / free [TS]

  okay go ahead this on it's like outside [TS]

  of the streets would be stank on its [TS]

  part of its by spending dingen job all [TS]

  right that's right the spending engine [TS]

  sounds very popular in Swedish after [TS]

  metal 15 / just like Switzer it's on [TS]

  it's on it's on the netherlands and it's [TS]

  been a long time since I'd slept outside [TS]

  at this point i was i was getting my out [TS]

  sleeping outside feedback on and and i [TS]

  was i was on the beach it was a [TS]

  beautiful very beautiful spring night [TS]

  and I was like you know what I'm just [TS]

  gonna sleep on the beach I used to sleep [TS]

  outside all the time I i I'd forgotten [TS]

  as I was saying this to myself I used to [TS]

  sleep outside all the time because i [TS]

  would get drunk and pass out under a [TS]

  bush that counts and I was like you know [TS]

  I used to sleep out all the time i'm [TS]

  going to start sleeping out again [TS]

  because because hey for what it's free [TS]

  don't throw out the baby with the bath [TS]

  that's right and to it so it's beautiful [TS]

  so so so I lay down on the sand and I [TS]

  kind of dig myself a little lamb little [TS]

  bed in the sand and lay down on the sand [TS]

  and then the Sun Goes Down and the stars [TS]

  come out i'm lying on the beach [TS]

  and I and the kind of the wind picks up [TS]

  a nice and I suddenly feel like there's [TS]

  nothing keeping me from falling into the [TS]

  sky forever like there's nothing [TS]

  absolutely nothing keeping me from just [TS]

  a falling forever into infinity [TS]

  except for gravity but gravity did not [TS]

  have as as powerful hold on me at that [TS]

  moment as it normally does and I lay [TS]

  there on the beach looking up at the at [TS]

  the inn infinitude of the universe and I [TS]

  literally was holding on i was grabbing [TS]

  onto the sand because i was i was [TS]

  terrified I was I was in a terror that i [TS]

  was going to just start falling up and I [TS]

  a and then the feeling did not pass i [TS]

  spend i spent a what what felt like an [TS]

  eternity lying there on this Beach not [TS]

  convinced not easily convinced that i [TS]

  could document myself that if I let go [TS]

  and most of it was a psychological [TS]

  letting go like if I if I just said ok [TS]

  fine if I had surrendered I would have [TS]

  fallen off of that beach into space [TS]

  Wow and I would still be falling sounds [TS]

  harrowing it was nuts [TS]

  how long have a sense of how long it [TS]

  lasted from one lasted until the sand [TS]

  underneath me [TS]

  this is the thing that thing about [TS]

  sleeping on beaches and sand looks very [TS]

  soft when you're walking on the beach in [TS]

  the in the afternoon late afternoon but [TS]

  when you lie on the sand and try and get [TS]

  comfortable in the night sand turns to [TS]

  cement which is [TS]

  it's extremely unfriendly 44 back it is [TS]

  not soft now and so as time went on this [TS]

  little depression this bed I made for [TS]

  myself in the sand turned into kind of a [TS]

  cement gravy boat times of suffering [TS]

  where I lay i kind of right there ever [TS]

  again make people like the ring [TS]

  yeah well you just made my next hour lot [TS]

  easier kind of like a curved kind of [TS]

  like a curved so you're not going to get [TS]

  better [TS]

  there now you can forget everything i [TS]

  make you sleep in our house is a big [TS]

  inflatable taco I believe [TS]

  yeah it's an inflatable talk about [TS]

  because of it starts off [TS]

  I didn't realize how bad it was Eleanor [TS]

  started jumping on FB left in school [TS]

  yeah it starts off as a nice inflate a [TS]

  bed that seems like oh this is [TS]

  delightful and then as time goes on it [TS]

  becomes a plastic tortilla against [TS]

  replacing I interrupted you you're [TS]

  talking you're talking of course about [TS]

  about the town of Noorvik where there is [TS]

  a beautiful beach where the popular [TS]

  activities include kitesurfing sounds [TS]

  like it's if you look this place up now [TS]

  not doing this from memory i just can't [TS]

  remember which one therefore campsites [TS]

  in the region approximately plus or [TS]

  minus justice justice white 3400 hotels [TS]

  and bmps and it said the number to [TS]

  Congress destination and another one's [TS]

  please continue [TS]

  I should I should've stayed in one of [TS]

  those hotels that gravy boat suffering [TS]

  so anyway as my as my sentence and is [TS]

  now unyielding yours but you still have [TS]

  the sense that you could float away into [TS]

  the sky for infinity i could fall into [TS]

  this into infinity and what I realized [TS]

  in that moment was that at this that [TS]

  this that the lights of the city the the [TS]

  the the electric light has formed a kind [TS]

  of dome over the cities where we live [TS]

  and it is a protective dome a protective [TS]

  shield that shields us from full [TS]

  awareness of how deep and infinite [TS]

  spaces right so we sit in our cities and [TS]

  the NR electric lights have blanked out [TS]

  the sky for us [TS]

  and we no longer have first-hand [TS]

  experience of the existential terror [TS]

  that it that is available to you at any [TS]

  point in time if you just try and spend [TS]

  one night outside on the beach or in the [TS]

  forest and that is something that human [TS]

  beings knew intimately throughout the [TS]

  whole course of human history that's why [TS]

  they made houses that's why they made [TS]

  houses that's where they circled the [TS]

  wagons that's why they made friends with [TS]

  each other that's why they lit fires at [TS]

  night that's why I didn't come to you in [TS]

  a flash [TS]

  well I'm lying there holding onto the [TS]

  beach trying not easy it's something to [TS]

  think about [TS]

  well yeah i know i mean i was sitting [TS]

  there if you had come to me and said [TS]

  that God was a big purple dinosaur life [TS]

  I've clutch my share of beaches believe [TS]

  yeah and i would i would have said about [TS]

  fucking whatever you say because the [TS]

  that the terror that is that is waiting [TS]

  for us when we truly contemplate that [TS]

  just the scale and scope of the universe [TS]

  in which we live is not a terror that I [TS]

  am that I that i'm racing out to [TS]

  experiencing every night so I i realized [TS]

  that that we have done weird have done [TS]

  ourselves both a disservice and and [TS]

  tremendous service in the in the [TS]

  blanking out how much how big the the [TS]

  unknown is and we've done it you know [TS]

  kind of we're not conscious of when you [TS]

  turn on the lights at night giving [TS]

  comfort that understanding [TS]

  well the the idea that there might be [TS]

  sort of an ontological umbrella that [TS]

  protects us from knowing how how [TS]

  terrible this could be if it with the [TS]

  Infinity no I despise it [TS]

  alright despised it when I understood it [TS]

  but it didn't come for you at all it [TS]

  makes you even more nervous about the [TS]

  sand was you know you're worried that [TS]

  your ass is on the line at this point [TS]

  right well yeah but but but but I didn't [TS]

  want to retreat into some kind of how [TS]

  blanket of lights cold comfort [TS]

  no no no what once you once you once you [TS]

  have a sense of it then of course I [TS]

  wanted to I wanted to face it and so I [TS]

  started sleeping outside at that point [TS]

  every night which is much more [TS]

  complicated when you're in Amsterdam [TS]

  then when you're in noordwijk for very [TS]

  it's very much more difficult to sleep [TS]

  outside say in cologne try and find a [TS]

  gravy boat haha ok next time next time [TS]

  next time you're there just and just are [TS]

  looking for great try and find a [TS]

  human-sized submit gravy boat of [TS]

  suffering instagramming sleeping a bong [TS]

  and a lot of people know that actually [TS]

  amsterdam for 50 euros you can sleep in [TS]

  a cement gravy boat of suffering it sits [TS]

  at the palais du gravy boat is that the [TS]

  ladies really standing windows is that [TS]

  true [TS]

  have you never been to Amsterdam yeah [TS]

  Charlie there all the time [TS]

  come on what are you doing in here with [TS]

  your youth being being self-conscious if [TS]

  you were playing mrs. pacman somewhere [TS]

  there is no mrs. pacman but there are [TS]

  the ladies sunday i'll tell you where i [TS]

  have traveled we have to share that with [TS]

  you I I don't derail this because I [TS]

  think we're getting towards something [TS]

  very important I think I think I don't [TS]

  know I don't know how much you have [TS]

  allowed yourself to to collapse that [TS]

  umbrella over time but I think you're [TS]

  very close to linking several probably [TS]

  unrelated things together in a way that [TS]

  could be very gratifying everyone [TS]

  well are you not thinking hear about [TS]

  some this kind of combination of a great [TS]

  mystery and aren't you glad I move this [TS]

  over to philosophy are you happy about [TS]

  that so much and it before the show I [TS]

  didn't tell you I did if I move this [TS]

  from personal journals to philosophy [TS]

  just because i added feeling a man like [TS]

  you didn't like having a journal [TS]

  personal journal is just give me that [TS]

  just sounds like my livejournal right [TS]

  made me feel like I was wearing a blouse [TS]

  a guy [TS]

  ok i I'm a little short on Cartoon to [TS]

  urinate but here's the thing you've got [TS]

  on the one hand I i if we cut all this [TS]

  out if this is you know anything [TS]

  yeah let's cut it all out of the great [TS]

  boat you think about touching that [TS]

  fucking great about your high you know [TS]

  there are lots of girls and windows in [TS]

  the Institute who and I think I [TS]

  literally write that down [TS]

  yeah i have only ever in the many many [TS]

  many many many nights I've spent in [TS]

  Amsterdam huh i have only ever wins when [TS]

  were you in bands like I understand you [TS]

  do so much of this traveling by [TS]

  completely and you're not like a rich [TS]

  rich guy I just I'm completely baffled [TS]

  about how this many people have been [TS]

  touched by you and you still still found [TS]

  time to be in harvey danger [TS]

  no I mean it's I feel like I feel like [TS]

  I'm talking to somebody like on [TS]

  Bullwinkle like I I don't wiggle LOL [TS]

  like a like maybe like you're like mr. [TS]

  peabody & sherman haha [TS]

  30 but no I kind of like that i showed [TS]

  my daughter first Bullwinkle Seth I [TS]

  spent my use now that's good okay so [TS]

  i've written down girls and windows and [TS]

  I promise you let you continue you on [TS]

  the one hand [TS]

  yeah are sharing with us some very very [TS]

  important i'll be a personal information [TS]

  about the universe on the one hand you [TS]

  are intensely aware if I may say that [TS]

  there is 890 force there is something [TS]

  out there that does represent infinity [TS]

  at this point according to science we're [TS]

  pretty sure the universe goes on for a [TS]

  long way long time no the level that we [TS]

  cannot by the way i have recently [TS]

  started fucking with my daughter about [TS]

  the idea infinity because i just i do [TS]

  very much remember sitting around [TS]

  thinking about infinity and getting [TS]

  dizzy and what is how was her response [TS]

  to it so far I'm just fucking with a [TS]

  very lightly right now eleanor was the [TS]

  highest number and the number she always [TS]

  pulls out which is an even number 613 [TS]

  232 that's the number she uses all the [TS]

  time [TS]

  uh-huh and I say no what about a hundred [TS]

  thirty and 3i need can see where this [TS]

  goes right think yeah yeah I get [TS]

  confused after 260 so usually wins and I [TS]

  wanna watch TV on the one hand there's [TS]

  this thing that you become intensely [TS]

  we're busy as you as you lay as you lay [TS]

  in in your Dutch gravy boat you aware [TS]

  that there's something out there you're [TS]

  you're aware that it sounds to me like [TS]

  you are not comforted by this somewhat [TS]

  is a fictional but the idea that these [TS]

  beams of light are actually causing you [TS]

  any it to be saved from that in any way [TS]

  you're also thinking a lot about these [TS]

  what not even apparitions that's that's [TS]

  a a perceptual thing about these things [TS]

  we can't see and understand that maybe [TS]

  moving amongst us and interacting with [TS]

  us and our been are in our places you're [TS]

  thinking about these things [TS]

  yeah right you are going through the [TS]

  most ridiculously rational man I've ever [TS]

  met except for the many ways that you're [TS]

  completely fucking nut [TS]

  you're very rational man you're and [TS]

  you're very you want to confront these [TS]

  things and just seems to me that there [TS]

  might be a threat here between some of [TS]

  these these things that you've had [TS]

  access to with your visions none of [TS]

  these with my business thank you none of [TS]

  these things that rationalization Sean [TS]

  I'm not judging i'm not thinking about [TS]

  any of these things I was not lying on [TS]

  the on the beach and thinking about the [TS]

  infinitude [TS]

  I was caught in the cold grip of terror [TS]

  as I as I contemplate to come from [TS]

  exactly i mean i think it is I think it [TS]

  is spirit that it came from somewhere [TS]

  well i think it is I think it is our it [TS]

  is prehistoric in us that always lying [TS]

  dormant a sleeper cell [TS]

  yeah yo this is part of the reason that [TS]

  I walked from amsterdam to istanbul i [TS]

  was trying to activate what I what I [TS]

  understood to be a thing that over the [TS]

  course of human history but one [TS]

  commonality that all groups of people [TS]

  all you know races and cultures in the [TS]

  book the the common thread is that at [TS]

  some point we we were somewhere as a [TS]

  group of people and we marched out of [TS]

  where where we knew and marched [TS]

  somewhere new [TS]

  right i mean we we were at one point we [TS]

  were all confined to where we had and [TS]

  that's got to be like I don't know a lot [TS]

  about young that that sounds like that [TS]

  or Joseph Campbell or whatever that [TS]

  nonsense I and that seems like a story [TS]

  that is deeply ingrained in us [TS]

  especially in America it since we [TS]

  marched from either together and that [TS]

  marching is something that I was trying [TS]

  to use as a like an activator up i [TS]

  started one place and just walking day [TS]

  after day after day in the skin in one [TS]

  direction I hoped to you know to to [TS]

  bring this this deeply dormant thing out [TS]

  of myself and that I would become more [TS]

  of a that I would have more than that I [TS]

  would be able to connect to something [TS]

  that I was not able to connect to in [TS]

  intellectually you're getting access to [TS]

  something I was hoping to find I was [TS]

  hoping to find a pure honest about a [TS]

  prior notice by doing this type of thing [TS]

  that I i wasn't able to successfully [TS]

  shed all of the month modernity by just [TS]

  willing it away right I couldn't just [TS]

  walk around without ID and and drink in [TS]

  bars [TS]

  and so we get back to like what what I [TS]

  would have been if I had not what I [TS]

  would have been as a human being if i [TS]

  had not been raised in a in a culture I [TS]

  was that's what straight and what is [TS]

  raised with a lot of abstractions some [TS]

  of which are necessary many of which are [TS]

  not but which but which abstractions I [TS]

  don't mean to jump hijack your story but [TS]

  those abstractions that we accept for [TS]

  ourselves becoming really indelible like [TS]

  nobody fires twenty-dollar bills away [TS]

  but that's a very real abstraction yeah [TS]

  are abstractions that are usually [TS]

  abstractions we develop to solve a [TS]

  problem that we have created with a [TS]

  prior abstraction [TS]

  ohh that Apple think about this though [TS]

  where do I think what your kind [TS]

  describing is is I'm trying to give a [TS]

  good example like you think about like [TS]

  we what you went through when you're in [TS]

  New York and somebody you know pull the [TS]

  gun you a funny story from from another [TS]

  thing I do Scott Scott Simpson's wife [TS]

  when they were in Scott Simpson's wife [TS]

  easy text ya you gotta but you don't [TS]

  wanna know what makes got cry and drink [TS]

  no I or even more pictures of her isn't [TS]

  he handsome man he's a very different [TS]

  show but the point is that they weren't [TS]

  you on the tour is at a place [TS]

  yes you on the tour that's it right I [TS]

  don't think we got a whole show about [TS]

  this the point is that amounts to a [TS]

  little bit friendlier than it is [TS]

  ok maybe answer his own path to salon so [TS]

  the point is that this dude is slipping [TS]

  his fingers into his ladies fanny pack [TS]

  and Scott who might as well have [TS]

  lobbyists like dives onto this guy and [TS]

  shoves him and I have to imagine you [TS]

  know I don't think Scott's had a lot of [TS]

  like taekwondo trot Simpson scott [TS]

  simpson with it you know how small his [TS]

  torso is you compare these are even with [TS]

  his short sleeve scott simpson cardigan [TS]

  down shirts [TS]

  oh my god he was cardigans the way most [TS]

  men where pride he sido one this gives a [TS]

  small guy okay is a full head smaller [TS]

  than Scott the point is i'm going to try [TS]

  to get at [TS]

  I had experiences like this unit [TS]

  experiences like that Scott Simpson did [TS]

  not get on a train a new limit or [TS]

  planning to accidentally tap into [TS]

  something much more primal than I wonder [TS]

  when we can smoke next [TS]

  you follow he got sudden access to [TS]

  something you know like that whether [TS]

  they eating red meat thing that [TS]

  protecting the castle thing there are [TS]

  these things that are therein us and [TS]

  then I guess calling the primal seems a [TS]

  little bit pop psychology but it doesn't [TS]

  when you went away and again I'm not to [TS]

  put too fine a point on you're sober [TS]

  when this happened anyone but you know [TS]

  like i said if you used to drink eight [TS]

  hours a day and then you don't that [TS]

  leaves a lot of time you see your mother [TS]

  your mind must have been doing a lot of [TS]

  catching up your you're a smart guy that [TS]

  had a lot of catching up to do [TS]

  right well after I mastered origami [TS]

  there were only so many so many things I [TS]

  could do with my hand did you get like a [TS]

  library book her or that you have such [TS]

  intense old way I'm gonna get you were [TS]

  in a Shinto temple and no I'm a mother [TS]

  and my girl hamachi i folded 1,000 [TS]

  cranes oh and that's why we have peace [TS]

  now that's right that's exactly right [TS]

  they call it the box / pehle nothing I'm [TS]

  just I never mind you know what continue [TS]

  i'm just saying that we sometimes get [TS]

  sometimes I have a day where i get a lot [TS]

  done [TS]

  sometimes I have a day when I'm sad all [TS]

  day and scott simpson had a day where [TS]

  you fucking drove on some guy and some [TS]

  tuvan dude right 10 ninja for for a [TS]

  moment and then you probably just [TS]

  shattered shook this place i would be no [TS]

  i'm saying so you're looking you're [TS]

  looking for whatever it is if I may say [TS]

  you tell me this is read wrong you're [TS]

  looking for whatever that little miasma [TS]

  that little thing is that little Hyman [TS]

  that stands between you and something [TS]

  you're pretty sure is there inside of [TS]

  you somewhere right but i want you want [TS]

  i want i had plenty of instances where I [TS]

  had a brief or or explosive access to [TS]

  these people in me that I didn't that I [TS]

  didn't have dealt with that will daily [TS]

  contact with well you know but no i mean [TS]

  so occasionally at will but more often i [TS]

  had the scott simpson phenomenon where I [TS]

  was walking around dressed like a frat [TS]

  boy from 1961 and and then all of a [TS]

  sudden I was a like a i was in full on [TS]

  combat mode in a game like the Hulk but [TS]

  I didn't want that [TS]

  what I wanted was a constant well what I [TS]

  wanted was constant conscious access [TS]

  to that person wow that was prior to [TS]

  that and and I don't just mean that you [TS]

  know the guy I you know I wanted the [TS]

  I've hilariously III later described it [TS]

  as a kind of animal reflex and if and I [TS]

  and I made the mistake of describing it [TS]

  that way to a friend who a friend of [TS]

  mine who now plays in duff mckagan band [TS]

  who is not a person who you can say [TS]

  something like animal reflexes around [TS]

  without hearing it then from him a [TS]

  thousand times so those the phrase now [TS]

  has taken on a you're at it [TS]

  yeah I regret ever saying it because he [TS]

  was like oh animal reflexes are ya [TS]

  why don't you use your animal reflexes [TS]

  to go get us some more bacon nachos [TS]

  haha that's important [TS]

  yeah but there wasn't there certainly [TS]

  was a time when after i had been walking [TS]

  for many months in one direction where I [TS]

  could I I'd be walking through a little [TS]

  village and somebody would you would [TS]

  cross my path 25 feet in front of me you [TS]

  know they beheaded perpendicular to [TS]

  where I was going and as I would walk [TS]

  through their jet stream I could I could [TS]

  smell them even though they were not the [TS]

  way the way a dog can pick up like flop [TS]

  sweat [TS]

  well no I don't can you know that you [TS]

  know that that's the reason dogs get [TS]

  nervous sometimes is that they smell the [TS]

  difference between regular sweat flop [TS]

  sweat they know when somebody's anxious [TS]

  and freaked them out [TS]

  yeah yeah sure i'm sure that's true i [TS]

  mean i-i i had i arrived at a place [TS]

  where my senses were more acute because [TS]

  there was not a thing that was because [TS]

  they were being doled like they normally [TS]

  were uh huh and I was hoping to find [TS]

  that throughout myself not just that I [TS]

  could smell more acutely and then I [TS]

  could see and hear stuff better but that [TS]

  that whatever-it-was existentially that [TS]

  was doing me that thing where I had lost [TS]

  my fear of the universe not because I [TS]

  not because I had mastered my fear of [TS]

  the universe but just because i had [TS]

  blinded myself to the universe [TS]

  I wanted to I wanted that dullness to be [TS]

  off me [TS]

  uh-huh and a and because what i assumed [TS]

  would replace it was acuity I thought [TS]

  sharpness would would come back but the [TS]

  problem is if you if you get to a point [TS]

  where you can smell somebody from 20 [TS]

  feet away [TS]

  you cannot live in a city very well you [TS]

  know what I mean like that all it's [TS]

  almost like you're back from the shit [TS]

  it's a maladaptive to live in your life [TS]

  that you know you talk about the guys on [TS]

  this is true but the cliché as you come [TS]

  back from Nam and you're like you wake [TS]

  up and you're reaching for the gun right [TS]

  for years you're like listen and listen [TS]

  for wrestling you're walking around in [TS]

  its in a city and you are picking up way [TS]

  more information than you want like you [TS]

  don't need to [TS]

  you don't need to be smelling all these [TS]

  people you know like if you're out if [TS]

  you're sleeping out in the woods by [TS]

  yourself and you have the ability to [TS]

  smell somebody or hear something yeah [TS]

  I'm far off [TS]

  that's very can actually i'm guessing [TS]

  you can make him less effective because [TS]

  now you've got a bad signal to noise [TS]

  ratio for threats exactly you're not [TS]

  separating the wheat from the chaff very [TS]

  well I remember the first time i was i [TS]

  was in the Czech Republic I was [TS]

  approaching prague and out and a jet [TS]

  airplane flew over me and it had been a [TS]

  it been a week since i had been in a [TS]

  underair airplane traffic and I was in [TS]

  the middle of Europe right i mean i [TS]

  wasn't it's not like I was out in the [TS]

  out in the Sudan I was in the middle of [TS]

  Europe but because i was traveling on [TS]

  foot i became aware of that those times [TS]

  when I just wasn't under jet traffic it [TS]

  wasn't i mean if if there were jets they [TS]

  were flying at 35,000 feet they weren't [TS]

  they weren't right overhead or they [TS]

  weren't you know on approach and I [TS]

  couldn't believe the noise that jets [TS]

  make you know it it seemed to me like it [TS]

  was rattling the whole it was rattling [TS]

  the countryside it was it was deafening [TS]

  and of course you can't live like that [TS]

  if I if I felt like that right now where [TS]

  i live here in my house up the scamp [TS]

  mile [TS]

  have from an airport I thought it would [TS]

  be I would go crazy for scott simpson [TS]

  was right next to the airport to I know [TS]

  he doesn't he keeps inviting me to come [TS]

  stay with him and I'm like he's gonna [TS]

  have to get too hot tubs where you sit [TS]

  and smell the jet fuel come off of SFO [TS]

  the hot tubs alright if it is right next [TS]

  to an airport that's right still more [TS]

  like that not you know again this is the [TS]

  thing John what you're describing it now [TS]

  you're getting to a level that i can [TS]

  almost understand what you're talking [TS]

  about the security right there's that [TS]

  there's this thing where like you [TS]

  probably don't have things that annoy [TS]

  you but if you ever had and you haven't [TS]

  had a lot of office jobs i'm guessing [TS]

  bill even had a lot of things in order [TS]

  really can we quit diary that because i [TS]

  like to come back to that [TS]

  ok let's personal journal it's okay but [TS]

  you're talking about office job will [TS]

  think about this this is a very obvious [TS]

  intent to use this word for the second [TS]

  time this week whitney an example but if [TS]

  somebody then at the next desk does [TS]

  something that drives me nuts right [TS]

  listens to the radio just just a little [TS]

  bit too low right we'll said that I [TS]

  could listen to the radio recently after [TS]

  was my stapler [TS]

  that's funny movie but I got you know [TS]

  the one that would always get me is in [TS]

  this is the thing is I'm not the kind of [TS]

  guy that sweats this but once i start [TS]

  noticing a certain way that someone [TS]

  choose or drinks and let's be honest I [TS]

  you know I i can tell you there's five [TS]

  nines level of like I never noticed this [TS]

  but once I do notice said I can't stop [TS]

  noticing it and I can't stop thinking [TS]

  about it it should be the easiest thing [TS]

  in the world for me to just not even [TS]

  notice it anymore [TS]

  international Bates loud chewing is I [TS]

  don't sit on the show before but my [TS]

  stepfather who was the worst person [TS]

  who's ever lived [TS]

  I think I told you this this is how he [TS]

  drinks coffee ready for these dead now [TS]

  thank God but this Hydra coffee every [TS]

  day for the years that we were with him [TS]

  it was like this [TS]

  yeah yeah it's terrible [TS]

  ok so I'm 12 right I got straight A's [TS]

  I should rely been asked out i played [TS]

  Little League I met Pete Rose twice i [TS]

  should be able all I met Steve Garvey [TS]

  i'm at the 79 Dodgers buddy i should be [TS]

  able to put that out of my mind but [TS]

  right but I can't and now in fact [TS]

  I'm a temple grandin now that is [TS]

  deafening to me i can't stop hearing it [TS]

  right it sounds like he's gleeking in [TS]

  our context [TS]

  uh-huh you XP create this a speech was a [TS]

  week I can't do as well as they used to [TS]

  i can you thinking I could shoot fluids [TS]

  on my body so much more efficiently when [TS]

  I was seventeen you know what I have [TS]

  never been able to Gleek my spell dude I [TS]

  I you know what I did I I woodshed it i [TS]

  spent a lot of time practicing caught [TS]

  sneaking around from clicking clicking [TS]

  oh yeah most people recognize that as [TS]

  the thing they accidentally did on their [TS]

  Dennis face when they're in the chair [TS]

  now my little girl Gleeks all the time [TS]

  she don't even know what she's doing she [TS]

  doesn't realize what a skilled in some [TS]

  looked it up on urban dictionary i had a [TS]

  friend that used to practice when he was [TS]

  a kid he would stand in the hallway of [TS]

  his grandmother's house and he would [TS]

  flip guitar picks at the mirror I like [TS]

  Rick Nielson yeah at the mirror down at [TS]

  the end of the hall he would just sit [TS]

  for hours at a time just flicking guitar [TS]

  picks himself never do anything like [TS]

  that [TS]

  no you're kidding what about the after i [TS]

  saw that episode happy days where the [TS]

  guy in the contest for snatching [TS]

  quarters off your elbow [TS]

  I found out that not only did I try to [TS]

  do that for six weeks but my lady did [TS]

  the same thing without orders we were we [TS]

  were not rich people but i would take [TS]

  you never lose you stack up you stuck-up [TS]

  imagine look at me look at my arm I'm [TS]

  stacking up pennies on my own life my [TS]

  90-degree out like you know I know I [TS]

  know what you're talking about with the [TS]

  episode you whip it and you grab the [TS]

  stack again as far as he was really good [TS]

  at it [TS]

  no i never did never worked on a scale [TS]

  like that well I taught myself to juggle [TS]

  because I wanted because I was always [TS]

  looking for the thing that would amaze [TS]

  village children you know this is the [TS]

  thing it's just a little taste of [TS]

  infinity [TS]

  how is he doing that how is he making [TS]

  the balls almost in the air so many at [TS]

  once [TS]

  yeah if you need me i have shoes if [TS]

  there's been any time outside of the [TS]

  place where you were born you realize [TS]

  that entertaining groups of children [TS]

  this inverted lark our earth becomes it [TS]

  becomes a very crucial skill because [TS]

  little little groups of children will [TS]

  packs of kids [TS]

  yeah are the that is the main feature of [TS]

  most of the world [TS]

  if you are a stranger and you walk into [TS]

  it into a small town with all the adults [TS]

  will pretend that they have seen the [TS]

  likes of you a million times [TS]

  yeah running on a rail well no they kind [TS]

  of go back to drinking their coffee and [TS]

  looking at you over the tops of their [TS]

  newspapers I mince words if you show up [TS]

  in town with it the idea of delighting [TS]

  children i think adults are going to [TS]

  look askance well no this is the finger [TS]

  that you don't show up with the idea of [TS]

  delighting children shots you're just [TS]

  looking for refreshment and maybe a [TS]

  chance to sleep in the hayloft but ok so [TS]

  if you're looking at you're looking for [TS]

  the local the local I you know the [TS]

  winches and the right address and stuff [TS]

  like take me to the mayor of your town [TS]

  I'm a visitor from far away but the kids [TS]

  in different places are they do not have [TS]

  that shyness they don't they are not [TS]

  trying to be who didn't gather in the [TS]

  Town Square to take batteries pleasure [TS]

  and your big point and make talk and [TS]

  they go oh look at this [TS]

  well in my case long-haired blonde who [TS]

  like extremely large monster who has [TS]

  come from a faraway place and so if the [TS]

  kids are standing around you that [TS]

  initially the kids are not always [TS]

  friendly they're like there they are [TS]

  there they're suspicious they are scared [TS]

  and if you spook them then you lose that [TS]

  all the adults are watching you of [TS]

  course and you lose everyone's [TS]

  friendship if you spook the kids so you [TS]

  have to have something you have to have [TS]

  a magic trick you have to have something [TS]

  where you can you're surrounded by kids [TS]

  you can't pretend you're not and they [TS]

  are there watching very intently you [TS]

  have to have to be able to pull [TS]

  something out of your bag or or perform [TS]

  some kind of like what went well and the [TS]

  kids then you win the kids over and then [TS]

  everybody relaxes and everybody goes [TS]

  back to like drinking their coffee but [TS]

  but you can feel like right the town [TS]

  goes ok this collectively exhales this [TS]

  guy's obviously not not a not a threat [TS]

  yeah he looks like a freak but he just [TS]

  juggled like three Roxy picked up off [TS]

  the square and now the kids are [TS]

  following now they'll jump behind like [TS]

  you start to walk in the kids all [TS]

  yeah I i know that at this point then [TS]

  you can sell everybody in the town [TS]

  on having a marching band and he saw the [TS]

  musical instruments that you can you can [TS]

  type the rats out of Ireland you can do [TS]

  whatever it is that you want to go on to [TS]

  play pool but and this is the thing this [TS]

  is why even though David Blaine is a [TS]

  terrible terrible monster [TS]

  this one is still this is going so well [TS]

  I always admired his ability with those [TS]

  tricks to like go to foreign places and [TS]

  he would do you know do magic which is [TS]

  the universal don't think those are set [TS]

  up bits [TS]

  oh he's terrible and those two that [TS]

  shows terrible and they're totally set [TS]

  up a lot of Penn & Teller tricks that [TS]

  are pretty mind-blowing until you [TS]

  realize that bits [TS]

  yeah if I just if I had just worked up [TS]

  like three or four like card dice tricks [TS]

  or something i would have been better [TS]

  off as a human being [TS]

  I'm actually pretty dedicated packing [TS]

  light and we talked before about the [TS]

  don't arrest gonna attack of cards [TS]

  one-time mistake you have to carry [TS]

  things the juggler you find local things [TS]

  find local things like you might find [TS]

  things that are right there on the [TS]

  ground you pick stuff up off the ground [TS]

  and juggle them that is a that is a [TS]

  winning strategy localized the two it's [TS]

  like saying how they're doing tonight [TS]

  cleveland oh that's right it's nice here [TS]

  cleveland oh that's right it's nice here [TS]

  stones I'm thrilling to the infinite [TS]

  your rocks [TS]

  exactly exactly you didn't even you [TS]

  don't even look at these rocks to you [TS]

  didn't even see these rocks they've been [TS]

  sitting here the whole time but did you [TS]

  know they can fly [TS]

  yeah the other thing that the other [TS]

  thing about me that holds me in good [TS]

  stead with people around the world is [TS]

  that I am NOT embarrassed to break into [TS]

  a spontaneous interpretive dance is that [TS]

  right so if I'm surrounded by kids and I [TS]

  cannot either find three rocks or if [TS]

  they are not impressed by me juggling [TS]

  three rocks because in some cultures you [TS]

  know everybody can juggle three rocks [TS]

  I can't work right is it is it is it [TS]

  like a cheeky dance is it is it a kind [TS]

  of is an interpretive folk dance or are [TS]

  you repurposing something from the West [TS]

  i will start off I thought of it it's [TS]

  got stages start out slowly with a [TS]

  little bit of like a it's not a narc a [TS]

  white guy shuffle where I'm like boo [TS]

  back-to-back-to-back and everybody at [TS]

  this point is looking at me very [TS]

  suspiciously like what we making that [TS]

  little musical noise y-yeah the Motown [TS]

  you back and I'm just kind of like doing [TS]

  the white guy had Bob right and then I [TS]

  start to get to pick up the pace a [TS]

  little bit will come back to back to [TS]

  back to back and then everybody's like [TS]

  what you like doing that plane moving by [TS]

  even know what I'm a little bit but [TS]

  moving a little bit of side-to-side foot [TS]

  shuffle but the shoulders back and forth [TS]

  and then just when they think like okay [TS]

  what's he selling here then i go into [TS]

  full-on Swan Lake ballet one foot your [TS]

  arch back one foot way up in the air [TS]

  hands out making up making a wing like a [TS]

  swan and then i'm spyler nice i spin [TS]

  i leap and you can you there's no [TS]

  there's no village square in the world [TS]

  that isn't it isn't immediately won over [TS]

  by this performance it's not no one's [TS]

  expecting it's not I it isn't i can say [TS]

  with confidence it is not anything [TS]

  anyone has ever seen yea I'm guessing is [TS]

  not something a lot of people there [TS]

  you in the council is not something it's [TS]

  not something that strangers come [TS]

  through town and do your typical like [TS]

  two german guys on BMW BMW like off-road [TS]

  by except pooping and hitting each other [TS]

  get dressed head-to-toe in like leather [TS]

  these guys aren't doing that you're [TS]

  you're you're here you're Americans you [TS]

  know working for the NSA who come [TS]

  through and adjust the radio frequencies [TS]

  on the teacher read their they're not [TS]

  doing it but dance and John Denison John [TS]

  comes to town [TS]

  yeah and i was eating different River [TS]

  baby that's been there before you has [TS]

  been fucking juggling stuff they found [TS]

  on the ground [TS]

  this is going to be very refreshing to [TS]

  them yeah because because a certain [TS]

  amount of shamelessness right everybody [TS]

  carries around so much shame all the [TS]

  time who human beings across the world [TS]

  walking around with a common desire not [TS]

  to be embarrassed not to look like an [TS]

  asshole and if you if you leave that [TS]

  shame behind and you are willing to say [TS]

  i am going to be a complete fool for you [TS]

  right now I'm gonna be I'm going to show [TS]

  you what a clown looks like it's the [TS]

  Jerry Lewis phenomenon right [TS]

  no one hates Jerry Lewis until you get [TS]

  to know him right [TS]

  and you do this little you do this thing [TS]

  and you have you have said you have [TS]

  basically said I am I mean it's not just [TS]

  that I'm harmless it is that I am I am [TS]

  fun and I am certain there to a certain [TS]

  degree [TS]

  I'm shameless and that shamelessness is [TS]

  something that is very disarming right [TS]

  if you are there too if you were there [TS]

  to capture and their children that you [TS]

  were not there was nothing puts people [TS]

  at ease as much as knowing that there's [TS]

  nothing this person won't do haha go [TS]

  ahead kids enjoy the candy haha yeah [TS]

  there's a reason i'm in your town [TS]

  because i was run out of the last down [TS]

  and the town before the town where I was [TS]

  written sandal marks on your ass [TS]

  well I I can't explain it except to say [TS]

  that it's worked for me many many times [TS]

  what about the mystery spot you're in [TS]

  the mystery spot [TS]

  where's the mystery spot Mystery Spot [TS]

  think it's down near that on a girl's [TS]

  body you mean well we please talk about [TS]

  like ladies and windows [TS]

  I was thinking the place in santa cruz I [TS]

  think you've been there you go and your [TS]

  opinion park on a hill and the [TS]

  mysterious things happen to find gravity [TS]

  and there's a spot like that in Oregon [TS]

  where it looks like your car's pointed [TS]

  up hill but it actually rolls on its own [TS]

  yeah I think same principle problem yeah [TS]

  it's a it's always up the whole solution [TS]

  i think that the thing about girls and [TS]

  windows catching a lot of girls in [TS]

  Windows I've only ever fallen in love [TS]

  with with two girls and one [TS]

  yeah I'm gonna let you go i'll continue [TS]

  continue falling in love with two girls [TS]

  and windows all right [TS]

  one time I was I was I was I was I have [TS]

  had an injured and I was hobbling i was [TS]

  walking I didn't have a cane but I was [TS]

  walking very slowly honor on an injured [TS]

  leg walking through this town and I look [TS]

  up and there the girls in windows with [TS]

  the red lights and they're in there you [TS]

  know comical lingerie and I you know I [TS]

  look up and I see the girls and I'm not [TS]

  moving I'm not moving at the pace of [TS]

  other people on the sidewalk i am i'm [TS]

  limping along so I'm moving slowly and I [TS]

  look up at the girls and they're looking [TS]

  down on me and they give me the pic of [TS]

  me the hooker sympathy [TS]

  you know what I mean like the all look [TS]

  at the poor guy is that an international [TS]

  concept for sympathy yeah the fucker [TS]

  sympathy after the time when you when [TS]

  you engage the services of a hooker [TS]

  you're just looking for female sympathy [TS]

  amen and so peace these girls in the [TS]

  windows are you know they they take a [TS]

  break from their vamping and they're [TS]

  like mama LA and and they they they get [TS]

  a little bit human and they're looking [TS]

  at me through the glass of their windows [TS]

  and they're going all look at the poor [TS]

  little limper and I look up and I'm not [TS]

  I'm not moving fast enough that I can do [TS]

  what you what I normally do which is be [TS]

  like just dance [TS]

  hello next to see you no threat t it [TS]

  watch my chick chick wanted me to boom [TS]

  boy we got here together got a coke can [TS]

  haha so I don't juggle I don't dance huh [TS]

  and I'm moving too slowly to be like me [TS]

  nicely and keep going and so I look at [TS]

  what I'm like oh hi yeah I know [TS]

  limping and limping a little bit further [TS]

  and they're like horse sweetheart you [TS]

  know and kind of poetic petting my hair [TS]

  through the window glass and I'm like [TS]

  yeah yeah that's right him I'm hurt I'm [TS]

  injured and they start doing the like [TS]

  you should come in you should come in [TS]

  back is attractively moving finger [TS]

  toward them [TS]

  yeah yeah but not but they're not trying [TS]

  to be sexy at this point they're trying [TS]

  to be like me sadly some sarjana they [TS]

  seated are they doing a very a very [TS]

  slight little like 60 stance like what [TS]

  are they on a pole like had it seems [TS]

  like they're getting comfortable [TS]

  standing in the window that you know [TS]

  them like a bank at what do they do it [TS]

  is I think uncomfortable us to stand [TS]

  semi-naked in the window i usually [TS]

  here's what here's the the setup in in [TS]

  Amsterdam they have a each girl has a [TS]

  window it's a full-length window huh [TS]

  yeah because that's the style of the [TS]

  construction of the old build is like a [TS]

  storefront like recent macys Christmas [TS]

  display [TS]

  no it's like it's like good in the [TS]

  netherlands by cancer areas my terrarium [TS]

  it in the other ones they built a very [TS]

  tall houses tall skinny houses right and [TS]

  the reason for this is that back in the [TS]

  back in olden times the King decided [TS]

  that he was going to tax your house [TS]

  based on how wide it was along the [TS]

  street to Housing Act and so they built [TS]

  I think like i see like comically narrow [TS]

  and like three stories high comically [TS]

  narrow and seven stories high [TS]

  really really really steep little like [TS]

  ship stairs like when you're going up [TS]

  and down the stairs in a dutch house [TS]

  it's basically like you're going up and [TS]

  down like a convenient that you like I [TS]

  family if you had to if you had to hide [TS]

  a family in the roof to families really [TS]

  to tell ya there would be a roof there [TS]

  okay um and then the foot [TS]

  front windows of these Dutch houses are [TS]

  very tall because the has a tall and the [TS]

  rooms are they were built during a time [TS]

  when people understood that you need [TS]

  15-foot ceilings in order to feel human [TS]

  god bless them in a house not like now [TS]

  we put seven foot ceilings in a place [TS]

  and staple it together inside and act [TS]

  like that's acceptable [TS]

  yeah act like that's a house anyway so [TS]

  they have these big tall windows and [TS]

  generally the girls are not on the [TS]

  ground floor but they are on the second [TS]

  floor so they're above the street there [TS]

  looking down at you for sending effect [TS]

  right and each girl has her own window [TS]

  and they have they've built a kind of [TS]

  like large closet or boudoir kind of [TS]

  place where there's a chair so they can [TS]

  sit in the chair if they want to sit in [TS]

  the chair there are some you know some [TS]

  velvet curtains or whatever it's meant [TS]

  to look it's meant to evoke kind of [TS]

  somewhat like a like a like a like a [TS]

  joke version of luxury and the girls sit [TS]

  there and they're wearing a hat Eddie [TS]

  and maybe some thigh-high stockings with [TS]

  the garter belt ma and make try and they [TS]

  try and they try and gauge the men who [TS]

  are walking past their their their job [TS]

  is to gauge your interest by how you are [TS]

  looking at them and then at with a very [TS]

  quick kind of assessment decide what is [TS]

  the most seductive posture to strike [TS]

  right like if you are looking at them [TS]

  you're obviously shopping and what type [TS]

  of man are you are you that said that [TS]

  silently with only their what they [TS]

  decided to do with their body their face [TS]

  and their movements they need to very [TS]

  quickly assess what's going on what's [TS]

  going to make the sale right and they [TS]

  don't want to give away too much because [TS]

  I think there are a lot of creeps and [TS]

  amsterdam we just stand on the sidewalk [TS]

  and look at girls in the window right so [TS]

  we're not going to turn around and give [TS]

  you like some kind of ass play it should [TS]

  go she could potentially put on some [TS]

  very high doc martens put on some big [TS]

  glasses sit down start reading a book [TS]

  and look a lot more Jewish for example [TS]

  oh my god i see this is what happened to [TS]

  mix up the red light and puts on the [TS]

  kind of like you have a coffee shop i'm [TS]

  going to get to this I'm gonna get today [TS]

  so anyway this this this was the first [TS]

  time I thought love was I'm limping past [TS]

  these girls [TS]

  the girls are all beckoning and there's [TS]

  one of these girls and most of the time [TS]

  i'm not i'm not susceptible to this kind [TS]

  of fake I do not like red Teddy's for [TS]

  instance it's not like red lingerie and [TS]

  all [TS]

  let's just say that I don't like what [TS]

  not what I don't like too much makeup I [TS]

  don't like the look of a woman who is [TS]

  trying to be a prostitute who but [TS]

  there's this one girl in the window [TS]

  there and she's not making a big show of [TS]

  like beckoning she's actually looking me [TS]

  in the eyes and say and communicating [TS]

  with her eyes [TS]

  hey come on come on in well let me take [TS]

  care of you and I was I was frozen in my [TS]

  tracks and I looked up at him and I'm [TS]

  and I I have all this is the this [TS]

  primordial feeling of like I want you to [TS]

  take care of me that is what I need [TS]

  right now I am alone in a strange place [TS]

  and I have an injury and I am cold [TS]

  actually now that you mention it and and [TS]

  my socks are damp and apply that I want [TS]

  to be cared for in this way that you are [TS]

  suggesting with your eyes and all the [TS]

  other girls who are in the windows next [TS]

  to you I they all disappeared and i [TS]

  would just had this tunnel vision of [TS]

  this one girl and of course you know my [TS]

  response was then I like shyly looked [TS]

  away and hobbled off up the street [TS]

  I think I think that part of me thinking [TS]

  that she would chase after me after she [TS]

  was in her underwear she would put up [TS]

  put up a single finger as if to say no [TS]

  no wait and should shout and she put on [TS]

  a trench coat and come running after me [TS]

  and then we would go any orange lights [TS]

  it we who he would go get on a on a [TS]

  steamship and we would go to America so [TS]

  that was the first time but then the rid [TS]

  the world of me to help her with the [TS]

  heart of guilders could it could have [TS]

  been in there and we were still using [TS]

  guilders at the time but the other time [TS]

  in the much worse time for the second [TS]

  window love affair second window love [TS]

  affair i was walking through one of the [TS]

  kind of twisty narrow streets and the [TS]

  red light district in damage him [TS]

  and it was a crowded night it was late [TS]

  at night and i think i had gone out of [TS]

  my youth hostel to get some ice cream [TS]

  which is harder to find in the red light [TS]

  district in the middle of the night then [TS]

  you might think if I was running a red [TS]

  light district [TS]

  I would have hookers sure i'll be like [TS]

  in my top 23 ice cream parlors to write [TS]

  and thereafter well just like if you're [TS]

  if you're a guy and you're out roaming [TS]

  the street with an insatiable desire [TS]

  that you can't you can't win if you're [TS]

  not ready yet [TS]

  you want something that the treat but [TS]

  you're not ready for the factory you [TS]

  want a little treat you want to create a [TS]

  little treat little time so I'm looking [TS]

  for ice cream I can't find it [TS]

  I'm going through this these narrow [TS]

  winding streets and the streets are full [TS]

  of men from all over the world creeps [TS]

  from all over the world like you you're [TS]

  walking through the streets that number [TS]

  time I wanna clock in the morning and [TS]

  every person that you see would be the [TS]

  creepiest guy in the town where he grew [TS]

  up right i mean they're just creeps them [TS]

  all over and they're leering and there [TS]

  they've got slobber at their they're bad [TS]

  men they have stains on their pants [TS]

  dander dander and it's on these narrow [TS]

  streets [TS]

  the girls are not of a flight up there [TS]

  not looking down at you from their tall [TS]

  windows they are in little cubbies right [TS]

  at eye level right at street level and [TS]

  the streets are very narrow there so you [TS]

  don't you're not even really standing 10 [TS]

  feet back you're like looking at her [TS]

  right through the glass shards did the [TS]

  guys keep moving get out the way or do [TS]

  they pause in front of window they pause [TS]

  oh so it's like guys like when you got [TS]

  to get the people try to get the samples [TS]

  at costco yeah yeah and it's exactly [TS]

  like that you're pushing your way [TS]

  through a crowd and there are people [TS]

  milling around these windows and the the [TS]

  women are trying to the women are very [TS]

  much in control as they're trying to [TS]

  project that they're in control of the [TS]

  situation and they keep the doors locked [TS]

  right and in a lot of cases it's it's [TS]

  not even a window [TS]

  its just oh door with a window in it so [TS]

  they're just standing in a glass doorway [TS]

  and smells like the Kiwanis haunted [TS]

  house [TS]

  except nobody puts nobody put your hand [TS]

  in a basket of spaghetti with confidence [TS]

  and Gil despite that's right for 50 [TS]

  guilders you can come in put your hand [TS]

  some calls began the side continued but [TS]

  so so and you and you'll see guys will [TS]

  walk up to these glass doors and they'll [TS]

  knock on the glass and the world with a [TS]

  woman will kind of look them up and down [TS]

  and if they don't have too many stains [TS]

  on their pants there's not too much [TS]

  slobber on them they let them in and [TS]

  then they close the curtain and they [TS]

  kind of just do it right there [TS]

  yeah anyway I'm walking through this [TS]

  alley [TS]

  I'm looking for ice cream and I'm not [TS]

  really looking side-to-side I'm not [TS]

  looking I'm kind of looking at the [TS]

  creepy guys and I'm looking at the girls [TS]

  out of the corner of my eye as you do [TS]

  sizemode but i'm not trying to i'm [TS]

  certainly not shopping for a girl and [TS]

  I'm just looking for ice cream really [TS]

  just here because you're just walking a [TS]

  lot [TS]

  there's nothing to talk about yeah i'm [TS]

  in the red light district what are you [TS]

  gonna do [TS]

  yeah i'm walking through and it's just [TS]

  one kind of girl in a red teddy after [TS]

  another and i'm just like blah blah blah [TS]

  girl in a red teddy and then I see this [TS]

  girl out of the corner of my eye and she [TS]

  is my [TS]

  platonic ideal I don't know what it is [TS]

  about her except that it is everything [TS]

  about her my platonic ideal and I look [TS]

  at her out of the corner of my eye and [TS]

  I'm surrounded by people by men who are [TS]

  up a foot shorter than I am right so I'm [TS]

  handle it and in the Netherlands men are [TS]

  very tall but most of these men who are [TS]

  here creeping around in this alley are [TS]

  not from the Netherlands you get me they [TS]

  don't know they're from the dancer lands [TS]

  they are the creeps from there other [TS]

  places and look at other corner very [TS]

  much out of the corner of my eye and I'm [TS]

  an expert at this [TS]

  but she is looking right at me and I go [TS]

  Who am I despite all your training did [TS]

  you turn [TS]

  despite all my training I blushed and [TS]

  ran [TS]

  oh and so I i get to the end of this [TS]

  alley and I'm like did I just run did [TS]

  she look at me and I ran [TS]

  what kind of a man am i and i said this [TS]

  will not stand [TS]

  I'm not gonna run out of this hooker [TS]

  rally because this girl this platonic [TS]

  ideal who's probably not even that [TS]

  pretty looked at me caught me looking at [TS]

  her I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna walk [TS]

  through the alley with my head held high [TS]

  and I'm gonna see her and I'm gonna nod [TS]

  my head like a gentleman and so I turned [TS]

  back around and I walked back through [TS]

  the alley and when i get within eyesight [TS]

  of her little doorway [TS]

  she's looking at me already she's [TS]

  looking for me and I see her and she [TS]

  gives me a look very knowing look [TS]

  and my eye I can't breathe all of a [TS]

  sudden I'm choking on my own [TS]

  Adam's apple and I try and give what i [TS]

  think is like a gentlemanly nod but what [TS]

  is really just a some kind of likes [TS]

  passes spastic had emotion he twitched [TS]

  and then I literally run away [TS]

  and so now I'm walking through the red [TS]

  light district and I'm covered in sweat [TS]

  and I'm thinking she's the most [TS]

  beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life [TS]

  what and here's the problem with being a [TS]

  romantic is that it being a romantic is [TS]

  nothing causes nothing but pain in one's [TS]

  life and now I have seen the most [TS]

  beautiful girl in the world and she is a [TS]

  uh she's standing in a doorway in a red [TS]

  light district and what am I supposed to [TS]

  do now I'm not Richard Gere i'm not [TS]

  going to make her an honest woman she's [TS]

  probably from Belarus and so I'm [TS]

  thinking to myself I should spend 50 [TS]

  guilders just to be next to this girl [TS]

  and I don't have to prove yourself that [TS]

  you could do it right [TS]

  well that is the question could i do [TS]

  this and the answer was that i didn't [TS]

  think i could and so I walk around the [TS]

  block and then you know go i'm still [TS]

  kind of looking for ice cream out of the [TS]

  corner and more than 4 i'm hoping if I [TS]

  just find ice cream i can just go back [TS]

  to the youth hostel and try to block [TS]

  this out of my mind but I can't get her [TS]

  I can't get her face out of my mind I'm [TS]

  walking around and increasingly I'm not [TS]

  looking for ice cream and increasing [TS]

  them being drawn back to this alley and [TS]

  I I so now i'm at the entrance to the [TS]

  alley and I'm looking down the alley and [TS]

  I look at her door which I can kind of [TS]

  see the light coming out of and I kind [TS]

  of tiptoe into this alley again the [TS]

  alley has 500 guys in it [TS]

  tiptoe into the alley and as soon as I [TS]

  be I come in sight of her door she sees [TS]

  me as though she's looking for me and [TS]

  when she sees that I'm looking for her [TS]

  she gets a very knowing look on her face [TS]

  and she's been she's been unpredictable [TS]

  and perfectly calm [TS]

  she's not putting on a show for the [TS]

  other men in the alley every time I [TS]

  walked past this door the other men are [TS]

  invisible to her and all she was looking [TS]

  at is me she looks at me and she makes a [TS]

  very subtle gesture that just says hey [TS]

  here and [TS]

  it is a hey come here that says to me [TS]

  you are Richard Gere you are my Richard [TS]

  Gere come here [TS]

  you and I both know it is inevitable and [TS]

  I lost it I absolutely lost it and Iran [TS]

  I ram Iran again I ran and I have never [TS]

  stopped thinking about this girl I'm [TS]

  icon how long ago was this 20 years ago [TS]

  God who knows where she is now she's [TS]

  probably working in a in a travel agency [TS]

  in Belarus yeah you got forest gump I'm [TS]

  not like Forrest Gump run and you're [TS]

  running you run part i'm not like [TS]

  Forrest Gump life is not a box of [TS]

  chocolate how do you resolve that Johnny [TS]

  the box from saying save it how do you [TS]

  know how do you resolve this John you've [TS]

  brought up a lot of tumult how do you [TS]

  resolve that you're living with that [TS]

  they're literally every day now I don't [TS]

  think you can resolve it so what do you [TS]

  do with that I mean that's got to be on [TS]

  your mind [TS]

  it was on my mind hmm well but the [TS]

  lesson is don't fall in love with [TS]

  prostitutes I fell and I fell in love [TS]

  with a woman I saw for 30 seconds and a [TS]

  little general once i stop thinking [TS]

  about it is 1986 I stopped thinking [TS]

  about it was that like a is I'd like [TS]

  Piggly Wiggly no no no it's a cat [TS]

  it's like a an adorable 7-eleven a like [TS]

  a like a common go whoo [TS]

  not in my case if they're up in the [TS]

  other than the Midwest number like a [TS]

  like a Wisconsin land they have these [TS]

  little welcoming stores called come and [TS]

  go as a terrible idea and they spell [TS]

  come k um common go th that's another [TS]

  that's an awful that's an awful awful [TS]

  name [TS]

  it's a terrible name and they sell [TS]

  cheese curds sure you're going to keep [TS]

  me from visiting the pump chilly but [TS]

  anyway these places are called the [TS]

  general it's some kind of Dixie painful [TS]

  and now it's called a little general [TS]

  little generally later became our got [TS]

  bought out by the circle case you know [TS]

  little general is my nickname for my [TS]

  your little Dutchman my for my little [TS]

  metal toy soldier boots little jumpsuit [TS]

  anyway so you see a girl for 30 seconds [TS]

  to talk about it's too painful it's a [TS]

  whole I shared my story I saw us are [TS]

  like going in and I think she bought a [TS]

  pack of cigarettes and some paper towels [TS]

  and I just couldn't get out of my mind [TS]

  to like two years ago smoke joshi smoked [TS]

  she's probably smoking right now [TS]

  wiping up some skin handcuffs hanging [TS]

  from rearview mirror [TS]

  oh my god my roommate in college had [TS]

  that boy [TS]

  well yeah mm-hmm [TS]

  [Music] [TS]