Roderick on the Line

Ep. 53: "Kennebunkhead"


  hello hey John [TS]

  hi Merlin has gone Oh busy busy with you [TS]

  allah stacked up [TS]

  oh I'm so busy yeah it's so busy i'm not [TS]

  used to it you know i shouldn't say this [TS]

  but I'm not very busy in general and [TS]

  when i get busy it's extremely stressful [TS]

  to me [TS]

  yeah I'm not used to it and and you know [TS]

  i i i i read these uh i was about to say [TS]

  I read autobiographies of it of [TS]

  important people but that's a lie i read [TS]

  i read reviews of autobiographies in The [TS]

  New Yorker who by important people of [TS]

  important people and all these [TS]

  biographies make a important peoples [TS]

  sound like they are just going to go and [TS]

  go and go and go on [TS]

  they do they do more in like a week than [TS]

  you and I could do in two lifetimes [TS]

  yeah important people are just their [TS]

  they're so busy people in Hollywood are [TS]

  busy their pitching this their writing [TS]

  the script there I heard this I think I [TS]

  don't have listening which is really the [TS]

  only way to listen to NPR and I i think [TS]

  they said that the sitting president has [TS]

  something like five campaign appearances [TS]

  in the next four hours i have been five [TS]

  places in 48 hours in my whole life [TS]

  yeah then maybe they'll sleep for hours [TS]

  a day and they feel rested and vibrant [TS]

  and the way they go and I got up this [TS]

  morning at seven o'clock in the morning [TS]

  and I got in a car my car and I drove [TS]

  into the town office and all the people [TS]

  the other people were also driving into [TS]

  the town the other people in their cars [TS]

  and I I was appalled [TS]

  yeah they were using my roads first of [TS]

  all yeah but uh but all this busyness [TS]

  and and and then I had to go there and [TS]

  then I put the person i was i was seeing [TS]

  was like well can you come back this [TS]

  afternoon i was like no I'm busy i have [TS]

  i have a lot of busyness ok so i don't [TS]

  know if i don't know if I'm suited for [TS]

  this [TS]

  mhm all this business I mean I know that [TS]

  that's what you have to do in order to [TS]

  gets someone get the new yorker to write [TS]

  a review of your autobiography or your [TS]

  biography I guess [TS]

  I oh I have no interest in writing an [TS]

  autobiography getting an office for that [TS]

  and and as long as we're talking about [TS]

  it i'll just say that a lot of those [TS]

  people probably Benjamin Franklin [TS]

  notwithstanding a lot of those people [TS]

  have handlers they have handlers the [TS]

  schedulers the assistance and they've [TS]

  given themselves over and they just you [TS]

  know basically Marie right what time and [TS]

  what do I where they just show up [TS]

  somebody points from somewhere clips in [TS]

  my condom and start talking [TS]

  yeah you're exactly right idea Ben [TS]

  Franklin em get you have my attention [TS]

  I was thinking I was lying in bed last [TS]

  night and and I was thinking about our [TS]

  coinage as you do [TS]

  oh and a new ms numismatic coinage [TS]

  numismatic origin and I was thinking the [TS]

  quarter has Washington honor that seems [TS]

  reasonable that the nickel has Jefferson [TS]

  eminently reasonable the penny is [TS]

  Lincoln half-dollar used to be Benjamin [TS]

  times got rid of that right Franklin who [TS]

  and then and then and now it's Kennedy [TS]

  who all that seems right a dime has [TS]

  Roosevelt seems perfectly plausible but [TS]

  why not [TS]

  but then you remember the old silver [TS]

  dollar the big one the one that was the [TS]

  size of a love of a coaster not the can [TS]

  anyone now that's a half-dollar someone [TS]

  the big one had Eisenhower on it might [TS]

  the biggest American coin ever minted [TS]

  it's like Kevin Duran Duran enemy or ax [TS]

  any award [TS]

  yeah it and Eisenhower on it and my [TS]

  whole life I have I have I have accepted [TS]

  that the the old silver dollar had had [TS]

  had Eisenhower on and then I'll s not on [TS]

  my bed and I was like wait a minute [TS]

  Eisenhower is it happen see that's the [TS]

  kind of thing like I'm sorry I'm typing [TS]

  that's the kind of thing that would send [TS]

  me flying out of bed to go and look it [TS]

  up because it seems so wrong have I mean [TS]

  I can think of nothing against [TS]

  Eisenhower ease and I i I'm not opposed [TS]

  I I totally remember this they were big [TS]

  they were very big they're there they [TS]

  are the size of the woofer in a in a [TS]

  stereo speaker Eisenhower dollar [TS]

  yeah and and I mean although Eisenhower [TS]

  i think was it was a very fine president [TS]

  and a nice man i can think of sick [TS]

  presidents that should have been on that [TS]

  coin before Eisenhower so it there must [TS]

  have been some horse trading some some [TS]

  some you know post-war sounds like a [TS]

  champ up to me 19 first of all it was [TS]

  only nineteen seventy-one to 1978 I'm [TS]

  just saying that the decision had to [TS]

  have come before 1971 the guy had been [TS]

  dead for windy die like Earl he died not [TS]

  too long after he left office right [TS]

  Eisenhower no I think he lived a little [TS]

  loopy lived a little ways into the 60s [TS]

  uncheck out Mike Mamie Eisenhower stuck [TS]

  around who but you know you're right [TS]

  that was the era where 1969 he saw [TS]

  Vietnam yeah right so man walked on the [TS]

  moon boom Eisenhower almost almost [TS]

  missed it by three months four months [TS]

  oh that pity I'll come on it doesn't [TS]

  that suck march twenty 8 1969 it was [TS]

  july four little I was that right yeah [TS]

  who's running this show that Eisenhower [TS]

  didn't get to see a man walking I got [TS]

  tired John this is this is fucking [TS]

  ridiculous we got a stack of problems [TS]

  first of all that I should have gotten [TS]

  to see that we got on there for being a [TS]

  general don't you think i think you're [TS]

  right i think that's exactly I think he [TS]

  got ulysses s grant type situation he [TS]

  won World War two and that's why they [TS]

  put him on the Bitcoin mhm and then you [TS]

  know his eight years as president and [TS]

  all that and that's fine too [TS]

  shrub that really burnishes the image [TS]

  but it's it but you know what retired [TS]

  general that's what it was retired [TS]

  general well it's beyond the purview of [TS]

  this show to do a lot of research but to [TS]

  the best ok i knowi from the past that [TS]

  you're somebody was interested in [TS]

  becoming a CIA operative I know you're [TS]

  interested in what's really going on i'm [TS]

  also equally super interested in what [TS]

  going I don't know what the fuck [TS]

  happened I wonder who else was in the [TS]

  running I wonder who lost to Eisenhower [TS]

  right now who else would have you know i [TS]

  say this you say there's probably I mean [TS]

  and you know Roosevelt I think you gotta [TS]

  give the guy props for for longevity and [TS]

  and for our for a guy who can use his [TS]

  legs he got a lot of tail [TS]

  I think you got him credit for that you [TS]

  know one and only three term president [TS]

  that counts for something [TS]

  it was only three didn't go for my mom [TS]

  said she was a kid Roosevelt was always [TS]

  president [TS]

  he's just want to be with you have died [TS]

  president it was like it was like having [TS]

  it was like being around Victoria [TS]

  Victoria was clean i think for 250 years [TS]

  you just you just you just get used to [TS]

  it that thing we do yeah yeah but they [TS]

  don't talk about a Roosevelt Ian Ayre [TS]

  arrow like they do the Victorian era but [TS]

  she was Queen longer I think she also i [TS]

  think she also stepped down on her [TS]

  spouse as did Franklin oh well back in [TS]

  the Victorian times my god everybody was [TS]

  looking at everybody else's skirt you [TS]

  think she's a tiger in the sack [TS]

  I think that she might have preferred [TS]

  the company of other ladies they have [TS]

  different sack for that Victoria sounds [TS]

  definitely have a different sexy when [TS]

  you become queen victoria and you get an [TS]

  era named after you I think he got as [TS]

  many rooms and as much discretion as you [TS]

  like [TS]

  sure you get to have you get abs ulu [TS]

  chambermaids and I school chambermaid it [TS]

  the just sign them yeah that's a major [TS]

  thing I when I was about to make a Zulu [TS]

  sound but I don't know what that is [TS]

  I I for one would be very interested in [TS]

  having a dual-chamber made it look into [TS]

  it [TS]

  I you know I would like to boy what I [TS]

  would do with a couple of Zulu [TS]

  chambermaids chambermaid changes the [TS]

  sheets they do things with debts that [TS]

  right correct yeah there there there [TS]

  there there with the washbasin there [TS]

  there with the what's the name of the [TS]

  wash basin where you go poop in the [TS]

  night came upon a chamberpot chamber pop [TS]

  you think she has to the chambermaid a [TS]

  zoo or otherwise do they have to deal [TS]

  with the chamber pot I'm pretty sure if [TS]

  you if you have a if you are made and [TS]

  there is a pot and your title says [TS]

  chamber and the pot is says chamber [TS]

  that's your that you know that is what [TS]

  chamber is a euphemism for who temper is [TS]

  a euphemism not for room but for poop i [TS]

  put it this way if I were a chambermaid [TS]

  and which great robyn Hitchcock song and [TS]

  and I had been on the payroll for a [TS]

  while I got have some credibility and [TS]

  there was an opening and they were [TS]

  bringing in say a new scullery maid [TS]

  I would personally lobby to have the [TS]

  name of that change to the scullery [TS]

  pot that is an opportunity to maybe take [TS]

  one of the less pleasant parts of your [TS]

  jobs and shine around someone gallery [TS]

  made is the one who's washing your [TS]

  cutlery and your bowls and stuff always [TS]

  down to 70 I still got her washing your [TS]

  pop-pop's contamination [TS]

  yeah that's like that's bottom of the [TS]

  house stuff and chambermaid is Tom and [TS]

  bottom of the house which is still a [TS]

  force coloring it's probably but [TS]

  seriously though I I feel like I feel [TS]

  like John Adams should have a coin who I [TS]

  feel like a UH there there are there are [TS]

  a couple of presidents that I was gonna [TS]

  ask you said you thought maybe like five [TS]

  or six five or six years but Wilson I [TS]

  guess we'll always you know Wilson's on [TS]

  the hundred-thousand-dollar built [TS]

  yeah and I frankly think I have some [TS]

  misgivings about Wilson but PR there's [TS]

  no Teddy Roosevelt coin who I mean he's [TS]

  means i mean like a PETA thing you think [TS]

  I think it might be i think i think [TS]

  people might have a hard time he's a [TS]

  little robust for today's culture don't [TS]

  you think he is he would ski would I [TS]

  think people would blanch your kind of [TS]

  like the TR of your time in a lot of [TS]

  ways that's sweet of you I i have never [TS]

  no one's ever named a stuffed bear after [TS]

  me as far as i know that up unless [TS]

  they're just took a nice to ensure all [TS]

  the stuffing your drawn in home they [TS]

  took a knife to it throughout all the [TS]

  stuffing and packed full of diamonds and [TS]

  then Kari and then put it in their anus [TS]

  and carried across an international [TS]

  border [TS]

  hello that movie Wow um and you know it [TS]

  but here's the other thing that do you [TS]

  think it's a obviously in some ways it's [TS]

  a huge honor to be on a shitty low [TS]

  denomination coin because there's more [TS]

  of them right [TS]

  see Lincoln is my favorite president but [TS]

  I hate pennies you're a penny hater [TS]

  I'm one of those guys why I think we get [TS]

  rid of the nickel to I think maybe we [TS]

  get Lincoln on to a better coin I think [TS]

  Lincoln on a dime [TS]

  it will be fine you know what I think we [TS]

  should do we should put we should put [TS]

  Roosevelt on maybe like you know I've [TS]

  hundred-dollar bill [TS]

  okay what if we put Lincoln on the [TS]

  three-dollar bill because he was he was [TS]

  homosexual right [TS]

  mmm a little good question Lincoln [TS]

  three-dollar bill [TS]

  come on my work check out all the news [TS]

  hmm i don't know hired him [TS]

  I can't understand how you can hate [TS]

  pennies pennies are pennies are such a [TS]

  wonderful piece of of numismatic history [TS]

  what do you do so is slavery like what [TS]

  what do you do what do you do with [TS]

  pennies put them in a jar and they just [TS]

  stack up and you keep them in the [TS]

  Overcash man or is it just talismanic i [TS]

  don't i don't Cashman because because as [TS]

  you know or maybe you don't know but you [TS]

  probably do know at a certain point they [TS]

  stopped making pennies out of pure [TS]

  copper who because a penny the the [TS]

  copper in a penny was worth [TS]

  three-and-a-half said yeah it cost like [TS]

  two or three times as much as the coin [TS]

  yeah so they started making they started [TS]

  making pennies out of zinc coating them [TS]

  with copper but most of the most of the [TS]

  coins in circulation that are that have [TS]

  a precious metal value higher than their [TS]

  their face value our people have combed [TS]

  through their pocket change their you [TS]

  very seldom find silver but you can you [TS]

  can find pure copper pennies up every [TS]

  time you pick up a handful of change [TS]

  does it have to be a wheat penny [TS]

  no no no any penny up until they [TS]

  switched over to zinc in the nineties i [TS]

  think it's clinton thing probably yeah [TS]

  it's like it's like it's like going up [TS]

  the gold standard except it's going on [TS]

  to the sinks in standard tell you what [TS]

  my one thing in my brain for every time [TS]

  i hear the gold standard I think it's [TS]

  exactly the same thing and this is tells [TS]

  you the power of media is all i remember [TS]

  is Thurston Howell was mad that we got [TS]

  off the gold standard [TS]

  wow really who wait a minute there's an [TS]

  like it wasn't like it was in like the [TS]

  sixties right wasn't uh Nixon took us [TS]

  off the gold standard but wasn't that [TS]

  what maybe i might be eliminated early [TS]

  sixties it was the mid-sixties I could [TS]

  be wrong i could be wrong but you know [TS]

  what even my one piece of incorrect [TS]

  information might be wrong [TS]

  here's a question for you this is [TS]

  something you might know Gilligan's [TS]

  Island started off as a black-and-white [TS]

  TV show and then it became a color TV [TS]

  show [TS]

  correct [TS]

  how many other TV shows have that [TS]

  experience it but man did that happen a [TS]

  bonanza very good question i don't know [TS]

  about bonanza bananas i think was always [TS]

  in colored Gunsmoke obviously definitely [TS]

  started I'd explain to my daughter the [TS]

  other night I had to explain [TS]

  black-and-white things to my daughter [TS]

  what she did she tell us how do you [TS]

  explain to somebody it's like it's I [TS]

  mean it's very difficult all you know it [TS]

  hurt one of her favorite phrases right [TS]

  now is all brother [TS]

  it's so boring ah yes and that's like [TS]

  getting her Paris brushed it's like you [TS]

  know so blog mall brother and so are [TS]

  blowing and and and she doesn't like [TS]

  black and white things and it's funny [TS]

  because like when it comes to comics and [TS]

  stuff she or you know she she always [TS]

  favors the more colorful thing over the [TS]

  more monochromatic things trying to tell [TS]

  me that like when I was a kid I record [TS]

  like I wouldn't have a color TV at our [TS]

  house we you know they were around but [TS]

  it was money was much more costly to [TS]

  make things in color and had waited 20 [TS]

  periscope is a really big deal because [TS]

  you remember like I'm thinking it wasn't [TS]

  it wasn't it wasn't Batman but it would [TS]

  be like they would be like whatever [TS]

  dragnet and collar because it was a [TS]

  really big deal it was like yeah and [TS]

  that the 3d of the time but you know [TS]

  what i mean it was really real [TS]

  I remember I remember our first color TV [TS]

  in fact I remember somebody I don't know [TS]

  how this happened but at some point in [TS]

  the seventies i was given as a gift and [TS]

  I'm talking about me personally not my [TS]

  family but I was given as a gift a [TS]

  portable color TV i'll come behind which [TS]

  was the size of a milk crate and weighed [TS]

  445 pounds but it was a color TV and [TS]

  portable and someone i don't remember [TS]

  how this came to be mine but it was this [TS]

  portable color TV and whenever someone [TS]

  would get whenever someone we knew would [TS]

  get sick or a relative would be [TS]

  bedridden my mom would like poke me in [TS]

  the ribs and say offer them your TV [TS]

  and I would loan my portable color TV [TS]

  which of course i had no independent [TS]

  control over my it's not going to go [TS]

  turn it on and watch it my mom would [TS]

  have been like there was TV time in our [TS]

  house and it was two hours long on [TS]

  tuesdays and thursdays but anyway that i [TS]

  would i would plenary list the new [TS]

  Anderson Mike Douglas and then we turn [TS]

  it off then you turn it off and you get [TS]

  one scoop of ice cream one scoop of [TS]

  vanilla ice cream and then to bed but uh [TS]

  but i would carry this color TV out to [TS]

  the car we would at it I would sit next [TS]

  to it on the back seat we would drive it [TS]

  over to whatever infirm person it was [TS]

  that wasn't lucky enough to have a TV [TS]

  whether this is the thing because a TV [TS]

  was something that sat in the living [TS]

  room and they were in bed right and it [TS]

  was it was it was at that I don't you [TS]

  talk about being a kid so I can relate [TS]

  it was it was always it was weird when [TS]

  you started meeting people that have [TS]

  more than one TV [TS]

  it seemed really mean it always seemed [TS]

  like you were really rich if you had a [TS]

  color TV if you have to color TVs was [TS]

  back then you had a TV in your living [TS]

  room that was a piece of furniture and [TS]

  then in maybe like a den or family room [TS]

  you would have usually a crappy [TS]

  black-and-white TV on a TV table [TS]

  uh-huh you get out you get from S&H [TS]

  Green Stamps and have wheels and you put [TS]

  your TV guides and whatnot underneath [TS]

  and pictures what you're right and it's [TS]

  not only were the first person I met [TS]

  that had two tvs i think that i think it [TS]

  was into the eighties before I knew [TS]

  somebody that had two tvs well i think [TS]

  but except for except for this this [TS]

  color portable TV that that's very [TS]

  costly John that's a very that's a heck [TS]

  of an item you had their oh and it was a [TS]

  prized possession and I don't like I say [TS]

  it's not like I tried to give up your [TS]

  toothbrush or something right that right [TS]

  in the car must've been awful [TS]

  well but the thing is i felt like i was [TS]

  doing it this was the kind of good deed [TS]

  Samaritan kind of thing that was [TS]

  instilled in me by my parents like you [TS]

  are doing a good thing you're taking [TS]

  this TV to help a sick person and I [TS]

  would sit i would sit proudly in the [TS]

  backseat and think i am like a doctor [TS]

  I am a doctor of TV have a cup color TV [TS]

  delivery and you know and the little [TS]

  lady we'd set the TV up on her on her [TS]

  dinner tray and she's like oh thank you [TS]

  so much i'll that's so good [TS]

  what a nice TV must seem like magic boy [TS]

  hmm i was always enemies i was i was [TS]

  filled with any as a child I was not I [TS]

  was not generous like that is alright [TS]

  well no I was I was we didn't have a lot [TS]

  and I was selfish about what we had yeah [TS]

  and I really really really really [TS]

  intense i really like TV like if we want [TS]

  to load of crock pot I'd be like more [TS]

  power to em oh I'm not gonna miss that [TS]

  let's start getting happy days on the [TS]

  crockpot you're good to go [TS]

  I think I think if I was ungenerous with [TS]

  my things my mom would take it away from [TS]

  me if I was like now it's mine should be [TS]

  like now it's nobody's she really do [TS]

  that one [TS]

  one time this is still a traumatic [TS]

  memory for me sometime [TS]

  she was always she's always trying to [TS]

  get me to clean my room and I was one of [TS]

  those kind of passive kids that was like [TS]

  I'm gonna do it I'll do it in a second [TS]

  and she came in and she was like I said [TS]

  clean your room [TS]

  oh yeah I was just about to do it and I [TS]

  could keep that game going for six [TS]

  months [TS]

  I'm just about to do it and one time I [TS]

  put all my toys in the closet just kind [TS]

  of stuff them in the closet and shut the [TS]

  door and my mom came in she was like you [TS]

  cleaned your room and I was like yeah [TS]

  she said good boy you know and actually [TS]

  gave me like a reward praise which I [TS]

  received knowing i did not deserve it [TS]

  and then later I was out running around [TS]

  the neighborhood and she went in my room [TS]

  and opened the closet door and [TS]

  discovered that I had stacked on my toys [TS]

  in the closet and her response was that [TS]

  she climbed in the closet and jumped up [TS]

  and down until the biggest piece of toy [TS]

  was like the size of a of a Roosevelt [TS]

  haha that's completely bananas she cheat [TS]

  demolished them and these were models i [TS]

  built these were like that's that's [TS]

  psychotic john and i like it like that a [TS]

  lot [TS]

  well not a lot this was this made quite [TS]

  a shame we need to [TS]

  yeah that's right you don't have to do [TS]

  that one destination and she was like [TS]

  you know and i think what she was she [TS]

  was maddest that I had that I had misled [TS]

  her that I had portrayed the room as [TS]

  being clean and had accepted the [TS]

  congratulations and she was like this is [TS]

  what happens it is that all toys become [TS]

  atomized and and now or now we're going [TS]

  to start over now we're gonna start [TS]

  start at the beginning and maybe you'll [TS]

  get a toy Christmas also home i just [TS]

  learned well I don't think I could do [TS]

  that i was going to screw with my kid a [TS]

  little bit on with stuff like that but I [TS]

  would never actually like break them [TS]

  wow yeah yeah well it made it had an [TS]

  impact on it was a different time you [TS]

  know we-we-we-we the Soviets were right [TS]

  over the horizon because they don't [TS]

  understand they don't get around to [TS]

  listen more serious time it was you [TS]

  could make models but you you sure ship [TS]

  better put them in the right place when [TS]

  the maid [TS]

  that's exactly right compromise with [TS]

  heartbroken well I was but the lesson I [TS]

  think of the long-term lesson was don't [TS]

  get attached to stuff [TS]

  yeah and that's otherwise well it is [TS]

  except that right I'm said I'm speaking [TS]

  to you now live from a room bet that [TS]

  looks like an outtake from storage wars [TS]

  where where the guy emptied out of like [TS]

  a 50-foot storage container full of [TS]

  broken music equipment and old hats [TS]

  it's you're like the end of Citizen Kane [TS]

  except you've actually taken everything [TS]

  out of all the boxes [TS]

  yeah yeah I I made a terrible mistake [TS]

  a few years ago when my one my sort of a [TS]

  casual hobby of popping into thrift [TS]

  stores and browsing around looking for a [TS]

  couple of choice items became a [TS]

  dedicated pursuit of thrifting as a as a [TS]

  way of keeping the demon dogs off my [TS]

  trail [TS]

  you know what I mean like other this is [TS]

  a formulation that I that I use a lot [TS]

  but I feel like everybody's got their [TS]

  not everybody there are some people with [TS]

  no demon dogs at all but those of us [TS]

  that have demon dogs nipping at our [TS]

  heels we do things to put to keep them [TS]

  at bay and and at a certain point I put [TS]

  all my demon dog eggs in the basket that [TS]

  i bought at a thrift store [TS]

  ok I the thrift store basket that i [TS]

  bought at the store and I go to them now [TS]

  as a form of retail therapy and there's [TS]

  a form of like it's that it is i use it [TS]

  like other people use going to the [TS]

  movies or eating it's a kind of [TS]

  entertainment i go and i study and I paw [TS]

  through these bins and the inevitable [TS]

  consequence of that is that little by [TS]

  little and I mean I don't I often go to [TS]

  a thrift store don't buy a thing but [TS]

  little by little I have filled up my [TS]

  house with crap other people's to try to [TS]

  us and and and i had its bits untenable [TS]

  but particularly because having bought [TS]

  all this stuff at thrift stores i know [TS]

  it is I know the crevices are packed [TS]

  with other people's dander you know what [TS]

  you know most of these things have not [TS]

  been properly deed and word well I mean [TS]

  I try and be damned to them as much as [TS]

  you can but at but as you know i mean [TS]

  there's a little bit of there's a little [TS]

  bit of DNA left [TS]

  on a lot of this stuff i have i have to [TS]

  guess you know [TS]

  yeah I found I found a couple of leather [TS]

  leather bound leather-coated globe [TS]

  bookends that look like ye oldie globes [TS]

  that our book ends [TS]

  they're covered with dander i bet i read [TS]

  a thing of the day about how people in [TS]

  England don't wash their hands like 14 [TS]

  people in England has poop on their [TS]

  hands and about how even just like [TS]

  entering a room like there's elements of [TS]

  your personal dander that can be in that [TS]

  room for like weeks you know [TS]

  so let me just say this I i see i have [TS]

  my own diamond dogs my own heels and so [TS]

  I appreciate this i think for me right [TS]

  now that's comics but politics but what [TS]

  you're talking about [TS]

  I see the appeal of this in so many ways [TS]

  just on an existential level I mean [TS]

  first of all there's the thing of like [TS]

  will retail therapy as you say like you [TS]

  but you're not going to find like you [TS]

  know coach purses or something you're [TS]

  not going out and saying I just need to [TS]

  spend four hundred dollars to feel whole [TS]

  today is much more complex than that [TS]

  because you've also introduced a [TS]

  discriminating taste you've introduced [TS]

  not chance exactly but it's obviously an [TS]

  element of treasure hunting or training [TS]

  no absolutely but this is the the big [TS]

  thing of it anything i mean like it's [TS]

  coming with me my comics I like just [TS]

  like leaf and through them and [TS]

  organizing to do not kind of stuff we [TS]

  should get to do and you know d-dan [TS]

  during but but but there's also when you [TS]

  get into that if you're honest about it [TS]

  i think it becomes like in it if you're [TS]

  honest with yourself you realize there's [TS]

  some puzzle like you don't have the [TS]

  cover of the box you all you know is [TS]

  that there are pieces of some puzzle [TS]

  that you're discovering and you're not [TS]

  even sure what puzzle it goes to but [TS]

  somehow this piece feels right and this [TS]

  piece does not but I'm going to put it [TS]

  over here just in case it and and I [TS]

  think that's what happens when you [TS]

  become a collector and you become like [TS]

  you know a thrifty shopper i think you [TS]

  get into a groove you talked about this [TS]

  with one of your ladies who was like a [TS]

  like a serious like hardcore through [TS]

  shopper and that the types that do this [TS]

  but I think there's an existential [TS]

  puzzle that you're probably [TS]

  unintentionally trying to solve well in [TS]

  there is an atom and i remember when i [TS]

  crossed the threshold of having [TS]

  more than 40 brass candlesticks the [TS]

  people in my life closest to me started [TS]

  to they started to do that little [TS]

  side-to-side dance where that people do [TS]

  right before they're going to stage an [TS]

  intervention [TS]

  you know like doing that dance a lot hi [TS]

  god hi oh what is what's in the bag [TS]

  o.o more candlesticks and I was like [TS]

  yeah check this one out [TS]

  this one's like clearly a hundred and [TS]

  ten years old you know and and they were [TS]

  just they were just about to intervene [TS]

  and say listen this is something wrong [TS]

  with you that you have this many [TS]

  candlesticks and and I reached up I [TS]

  reached a point where I had every brass [TS]

  candlestick that I I had every kind of [TS]

  brass candlestick that I could think of [TS]

  and I started to go to thrift stores and [TS]

  I would see I would see racks of the [TS]

  brass candlesticks and I would just be [TS]

  like those are junk [TS]

  I don't need any of that and I haven't [TS]

  bought a brass candlestick in two years [TS]

  hot so the puzzle the puzzle is complete [TS]

  as was completed and i have no idea what [TS]

  candlestick it was that i finally got [TS]

  that was like AHA there it is the [TS]

  missing one so it isn't it isn't a thing [TS]

  where you have to have every brass [TS]

  candlestick you find it isn't that [TS]

  you've got to like you know go to a [TS]

  drive to different towns to make sure [TS]

  that this one you know whatever you know [TS]

  making 38 superman comic version of a [TS]

  candlestick is out there and you [TS]

  they came along and you realize now what [TS]

  about the other things globes are you [TS]

  are you where you need to be with globes [TS]

  you think I'm where I need to be if i [TS]

  see i saw globally other day that was [TS]

  that was pretty cool 80 years old and [TS]

  very very weathered and that the patina [TS]

  was what made it cool but as I looked at [TS]

  it I realized no it's not it does it [TS]

  again like you're saying it is not the [TS]

  shape the puzzle shape that I need to [TS]

  fit into you know like that all of these [TS]

  collections are everything that I that I [TS]

  that i acquire like they're there is a [TS]

  docking port still open for the next [TS]

  cool thing [TS]

  but but i but I've never been a [TS]

  completist like I need to have every [TS]

  issue or I need to have every one of a [TS]

  certain kind of thing its I'm looking [TS]

  for I'm looking I'm looking for things [TS]

  that's a different kind of collecting [TS]

  OCD probably yeah yeah I don't know I [TS]

  don't know what it is but but i think [TS]

  what needs to happen [TS]

  the other thing is that I I because I [TS]

  find these things for very very cheap [TS]

  i I'm so reluctant to sell them that's [TS]

  going to say I mean some people who are [TS]

  not hoarders but the collectors they'll [TS]

  start kind of saying all the way this is [TS]

  how much space I have for my collection [TS]

  right be public [TS]

  this is an area where i put stuff that's [TS]

  you know what museum right you don't [TS]

  have everything on display all the time [TS]

  but you know that in this box [TS]

  these are my other 14 iron man figures [TS]

  right whatever and then you get a new [TS]

  iron man figure that's really cool and [TS]

  like you might take your least cool iron [TS]

  man figure and get rid of it would sell [TS]

  it off or like you know take the least [TS]

  interesting one of the box and sell that [TS]

  you know what I mean where you've got [TS]

  but this question of value is at the [TS]

  heart of the thing you know because I go [TS]

  to a place and there and this thing is [TS]

  fifty cents but i know it's worth fifty [TS]

  dollars and then I get it and bring it [TS]

  home and put it on the summer but did [TS]

  the desk and I go that's worth fifty [TS]

  dollars and i got it for 50 cents but I [TS]

  don't really think it's worth fifty [TS]

  dollars because i got it for 50 cents to [TS]

  sell it for fifty dollars feels a lot [TS]

  wrong but it cheapens the i would much [TS]

  rather take that take the things that I [TS]

  am done with that the the Iron Man [TS]

  figure that is the least important to me [TS]

  and just put it back into the river just [TS]

  take it down to the thrift store in a [TS]

  box and give it back to the the thrift [TS]

  store because somebody else cuz somebody [TS]

  will want that absolutely yeah and I [TS]

  feel like the thrift store maybe that [TS]

  maybe somebody else's puzzle piece [TS]

  it's kind of a guy figure it's like a [TS]

  it's a mother earth and the mother earth [TS]

  you know has these big forested teats [TS]

  but she provides man to us through [TS]

  and uh and part of that mana is this [TS]

  constant steady flow of brass tchotchkes [TS]

  that but issue forth from her teats and [TS]

  so I then she'd probably have that [TS]

  looked at [TS]

  I take the I take the Cornucopia that I [TS]

  have unloaded and I fill it up with with [TS]

  old stuff and I take it back to the [TS]

  mother Gaia food store it's a lot of [TS]

  metaphors on m-i-a m-i-a slow i've heard [TS]

  people say I've heard it is said that [TS]

  that if you are truly a collector is it [TS]

  only becomes a collection when you have [TS]

  more than two and you put them somewhere [TS]

  and take care of them right so so this [TS]

  is what really not a collector of wives [TS]

  every variety and I think you failed at [TS]

  every every test on that was about to [TS]

  take care of it [TS]

  what a public put it somewhere why would [TS]

  I tell my responsibility to what I tell [TS]

  anybody who that is that's weird but you [TS]

  know and and select example my friend [TS]

  down my very good friend Dennis get part [TS]

  back in Florida very very interesting [TS]

  guy i mention into you [TS]

  he um he was very tidy [TS]

  he had very you know he kept treasure [TS]

  everything that he had and didn't have [TS]

  things he didn't treasure you know he's [TS]

  not one of those guys you know there's [TS]

  guys who buy 25 pairs of shoes and [TS]

  they're all over the floor or the [TS]

  schedule 25 pairs of shoes and they're [TS]

  all in plexiglass like you would have [TS]

  five well-maintained pairs of shoes like [TS]

  a general I admire that I admire that I [TS]

  think that's the way to be absolutely [TS]

  and in Dennis was i believe of the one [TS]

  in one out school so it's not really was [TS]

  but to curate your belongings [TS]

  yeah it's an art it's absolutely an arch [TS]

  when they're so here's my dad look to [TS]

  Dennis as a paragon of so many things we [TS]

  went to college together and eventually [TS]

  roommates in florida and in Tallahassee [TS]

  but one of the best guys I've ever known [TS]

  and he collected many interesting things [TS]

  he collected before it was fashionable [TS]

  ironic he collected like neurons [TS]

  that old coed orbs that he would collect [TS]

  for example like which michael outsider [TS]

  art which in this case it was like [TS]

  things people have painted themselves [TS]

  that he found at shirt that's rich [TS]

  ground into the talent there and well [TS]

  now it's a thing but never what he [TS]

  collected his primary collection and I [TS]

  knew this when we went to college [TS]

  together and I'd heard about it and the [TS]

  first time I saw it first I met Dennis [TS]

  he's probably 62 and was wearing [TS]

  overalls [TS]

  he's from Arkansas is very colorful [TS]

  guide i like this guy very interesting [TS]

  guy now works on Wall Street and but he [TS]

  has that he collects now when I say that [TS]

  he collects ETS that your first thought [TS]

  might be out he goes out and he gets [TS]

  like little ET figurines and he's got a [TS]

  hundred of them on ourself know that was [TS]

  my first thought was your first thought [TS]

  as you do but he doesn't just collect [TS]

  eighties he he did in he collects like [TS]

  ceramic et's he creates et's that people [TS]

  have like made out of craft projects but [TS]

  he only collects unlicensed like [TS]

  homemade ceramic m├ętis this is like the [TS]

  UH the velvet painting of Elvis that is [TS]

  done really badly all the way they look [TS]

  a lot of 5 second mix but the thing is [TS]

  it's not really just purely ironic he [TS]

  really genuinely loves these things any [TS]

  but the thing is he's got like eight or [TS]

  nine of them huh [TS]

  however it is greatly because it walk [TS]

  you walk in the house and always ETS [TS]

  were in a cabinet in our in the corner [TS]

  but like the nice thing is now he's [TS]

  collected TTYL company almost really [TS]

  cool you got like a hundred eighties and [TS]

  I look at that one that one's got a [TS]

  little nick on it looks like a kid bit [TS]

  that one no these are all incredibly [TS]

  fucked up looking because et is super [TS]

  weird looking to begin with but these [TS]

  are like painted their could look like [TS]

  maybe special people made them and [TS]

  they're all super shiny because they're [TS]

  like ceramic now I admire this guy I was [TS]

  nothing like a little been real easy for [TS]

  him to go i collect ET stuff and then [TS]

  he's just a weirdo with a bunch of stuff [TS]

  in boxes but he is a collection it's [TS]

  taken him 30 years to put together and [TS]

  it's got like nine items in it right he [TS]

  still because you know it's hard it's [TS]

  hard hard over the years to find a good [TS]

  outside ret but that's the kind of [TS]

  collecting I admire because he goes to [TS]

  thrift stores will get things going to [TS]

  get rid of other things but to me that's [TS]

  like that's a gentleman [TS]

  if you're collecting off-brand you know [TS]

  unlicensed ets and then displaying them [TS]

  that my name was the name for the [TS]

  Japanese a little little porcelain [TS]

  figures that that are that are sort of a [TS]

  a a big a big part of of Japanese [TS]

  culture I mean I guess every every [TS]

  little cherries little tchotchke is a [TS]

  kind of part of just the kind of like [TS]

  rock around like we like a labels on aI [TS]

  don't think they are there weebles [TS]

  exactly [TS]

  no I don't think I know this now there [TS]

  that there was a book about the notes [TS]

  racist it looks like food my kid loves [TS]

  those racers that look like food huge [TS]

  you know another guy like that is Scott [TS]

  plot the drummer of built to spill in in [TS]

  in in seattle every restaurant you walk [TS]

  into has an ironic collection of bad [TS]

  paintings on the wall seven hundred [TS]

  dollars each [TS]

  but Scott has this collection of of [TS]

  portraits naive portrait CA in a room in [TS]

  his house you walk in and and and you [TS]

  look at the wall and your first thought [TS]

  is like oh it's like it's like a hipster [TS]

  bar anywhere in the Northwest where [TS]

  there's a bunch of thrift store [TS]

  paintings but then as you look at the [TS]

  paintings one after another he realized [TS]

  that he probably has eight of them and [TS]

  there is no way but that they represent [TS]

  a lifetime of cultivating this [TS]

  collection because each one of these [TS]

  paintings that are there clearly thrift [TS]

  store paintings each one of them is the [TS]

  greatest gift or painting you ever saw [TS]

  likelike well-executed incredible not [TS]

  just well executed but like captures an [TS]

  ineffable ineffable aspect of human the [TS]

  human condition [TS]

  you know I mean like each portrait is [TS]

  not just a great representation of a [TS]

  person but also like our an actual work [TS]

  of art that by the by the style and by [TS]

  the frame you know was also found for a [TS]

  dollar by someone and the only way to [TS]

  have those eight paintings together in a [TS]

  room is to have [TS]

  your self bought and have been given [TS]

  four hundred paintings in the course of [TS]

  your life and you got rid of 392 of them [TS]

  Wow in order to have in order to have [TS]

  these eight you know like some such he's [TS]

  just use the magnet but he's also he has [TS]

  this incredible aesthetic and he's a [TS]

  drummer so I mean you know it's not like [TS]

  it is really overcome a lot [TS]

  you never you never know it by looking [TS]

  at it but oh my god this collection of [TS]

  paintings belongs in a museum and [TS]

  infected it is houses like that some guy [TS]

  I really admire that you could you could [TS]

  do that now this could be a project [TS]

  here's the other thing i don't like is a [TS]

  demon dogs like with me IM with comics [TS]

  it's easy because there's always another [TS]

  comic you need to fill in this part to [TS]

  learn this part and I within me that [TS]

  with me this is so simple because I [TS]

  could just buy it online and get it off [TS]

  the internet or whatever but in your [TS]

  case I mean you you have puzzles inside [TS]

  of puzzles [TS]

  yeah I need to get I think I think the [TS]

  next puzzle for me is the puzzle of of [TS]

  getting rid of stuff it is the it's the [TS]

  agony and the ecstasy idea of chipping [TS]

  away all the stone that isn't [TS]

  Michelangelo's David I need to get ready [TS]

  but happy that you should check you [TS]

  people look I do have the agony and the [TS]

  ecstasy in here somewhere [TS]

  now between you might have David you [TS]

  know might be inside some that dander [TS]

  sandwich between the joys of the year [TS]

  edition American aircraft world war two [TS]

  volume 1i yeah like I'm just looking at [TS]

  my bookshelves now and i'm thinking i [TS]

  have a lot of books and ninety percent [TS]

  of them could go into a pyre and the [TS]

  remaining ten percent would be an [TS]

  awesome collection of books but oh [TS]

  that's too much to take on i'm i'm at [TS]

  did I mention I'm a really busy guy [TS]

  right now [TS]

  yeah is it busy with our thing oh that [TS]

  among other things you know I made a [TS]

  Christmas record with jonathan coulton [TS]

  is touring on that we're doing a tour in [TS]

  the in the in the winter [TS]

  and i'm going back to max funcom this [TS]

  weekend to a light see this is okay [TS]

  here's the thing [TS]

  now you and I slackers like us we can [TS]

  sit and talk about how we're busy but [TS]

  let's be honest I mean most of the time [TS]

  not now most of the time we're busy with [TS]

  stuff that nobody could fucking give a [TS]

  shit about and wouldn't know if it never [TS]

  happened correct for me i can go around [TS]

  this thing i really wanted to do or [TS]

  there's this you know there's no public [TS]

  humiliation involved if it's a day late [TS]

  but it sounds like you've got time [TS]

  sensitive stuff where you really are [TS]

  busy like a fucking normal man i'm busy [TS]

  i have to get on an airplane [TS]

  you gotta get a couple airplanes don't [TS]

  you and I have to have that stuff done [TS]

  so yes and and all get your car yet a [TS]

  car yet craft services gotta do that i'm [TS]

  flying continental Europe in November [TS]

  i'm doing some shows i'm a this I'm and [TS]

  performing in a reenactment of the last [TS]

  waltz in San Francisco [TS]

  what is not thanksgiving the end of [TS]

  november that's very close to [TS]

  thanksgiving my god and all of these [TS]

  things those who do you play [TS]

  I'm going to be Neil Diamond what is he [TS]

  saying [TS]

  danke what is it what does he sing in [TS]

  the last lots of all the ones that come [TS]

  out even more than that he sings Ricky [TS]

  don't lose that number by and live know [TS]

  what you want [TS]

  even though the song would not come out [TS]

  for another five years but it's one of [TS]

  these things where I where we're all the [TS]

  things that I have to do they're all [TS]

  stacking up so so I fly to fly to [TS]

  edinburgh scotland and then I go to [TS]

  Ireland and then I flight back from [TS]

  Ireland to San Francisco where I play a [TS]

  show the next night and then i applied [TS]

  from there to san diego where I join [TS]

  Jonathan Coulton for a tour across [TS]

  America that would but which ends in [TS]

  just the last tour this is a bendy [TS]

  jonathan coulton as a bus so [TS]

  so it's gonna be like so he is so sweet [TS]

  well it's sweet except as you know I am [TS]

  an oversized person [TS]

  well compared to y mano [TS]

  you mean the normal person to partner [TS]

  compared to a rivers cuomo yeah I am an [TS]

  oversized person even tell box compared [TS]

  to Daniel Craig James Bond who i am a [TS]

  normal time I'm an oversized person [TS]

  because he is a he is not a big person [TS]

  is that right yeah because you see these [TS]

  pictures of him walking the red carpet [TS]

  next to his leading lady whom you know [TS]

  to be five foot to right and he is the [TS]

  same height itself right yeah yeah you [TS]

  know Mom movie actors they did they [TS]

  don't want to be too big because they [TS]

  make everybody else looking for Cogar [TS]

  was pretty short to a very small feat do [TS]

  crack is 5 10 [TS]

  no he's not that's a total publicist lie [TS]

  you think so honey 510 that's the loan [TS]

  baloney [TS]

  it's got a nice chased he's a piece of [TS]

  handsome man here handsome man's but in [TS]

  any case I get onto these I get onto [TS]

  these tour buses and I get into the bunk [TS]

  which is scale for a normal-size person [TS]

  and my toes are touching and my head is [TS]

  touching and i feel like i am I feel [TS]

  like I'm like I have been put like I've [TS]

  been put into a cigar box and i'm about [TS]

  to be buried in some kids back and when [TS]

  I don't want to bring it up you know [TS]

  bring up an old thing but she don't you [TS]

  don't like being you don't be buried [TS]

  alive if you don't like being in a [TS]

  closed space [TS]

  no I don't want to be buried alive and I [TS]

  don't want to be nobody wants to be [TS]

  buried alive right but I really dont [TS]

  Germans probably some Germans I want to [TS]

  be there are determined called horizon [TS]

  but I don't want to be buried alive and [TS]

  I don't want to be in a tiny bunk when [TS]

  my tour bus rolls on the interstate and [TS]

  I'm you know I'm crushed into this space [TS]

  that was already too small for me [TS]

  so anyway touring touring on a bus is [TS]

  that you know it's kind of a mixed bag I [TS]

  have slept many many nights on a on a [TS]

  like on an open train car hurtling [TS]

  through the mountains and I'm more [TS]

  comfortable [TS]

  on one of those that i am in a bunk on a [TS]

  tour bus [TS]

  mmm so-so you be driving in a little bit [TS]

  know it it's one of those like i know i [TS]

  know that i'm going to be tired for six [TS]

  weeks and that is absolutely endurable [TS]

  considering all the great times the [TS]

  wonderful fun times [TS]

  mhm will make up for not really getting [TS]

  a good night's those people you're gonna [TS]

  get to hug a lot of hugs people touching [TS]

  you a lot of touching a lot of people a [TS]

  lot of people looking at me some people [TS]

  looking at their phones i think im gonna [TS]

  see a few people to get their phones but [TS]

  I like going to the UK I i know that you [TS]

  earlier in the show stipulated that that [TS]

  one in four people in Britain has pool [TS]

  on their hands bad i find i find people [TS]

  in the UK are definitely like window [TS]

  peepers and panty sniffers but I think [TS]

  they're wonderful i love the country and [TS]

  i will land and eat and the northern i'm [TS]

  not even in Britain i'm in scotland and [TS]

  ireland there you know they're wonderful [TS]

  people they like the candidate thinking [TS]

  right you know the who Scotland him feel [TS]

  like the canada of England if canada was [TS]

  sparta what's wales as well count is [TS]

  that even the country but uh well as a [TS]

  country increasingly it is more and more [TS]

  country all the time they are regaining [TS]

  their autonomy and wales is like I think [TS]

  that successive waves of invaders came [TS]

  into Wales and the Welsh did their their [TS]

  old trick which was to go up in the [TS]

  mountains and throw rocks down the old [TS]

  last check [TS]

  well string of throwing rocks down from [TS]

  the mountains and so that it was very [TS]

  hard to subdue them because right now [TS]

  our berkeley then it's time for her to [TS]

  look in the field with the strip [TS]

  come with come with me your number what [TS]

  you mean worried about the amount of [TS]

  throw rocks down [TS]

  oh yeah but now they could subdue the [TS]

  wealth that that like got caught down [TS]

  around the water [TS]

  uh-huh but as soon as the as soon as the [TS]

  Romans turn their backs of the Britons [TS]

  are the Danes turn their backs those [TS]

  those walls man went up in the mountains [TS]

  and started throwing rocks down on them [TS]

  too so I think both of the Welsh in the [TS]

  Scots have have that in common at least [TS]

  that they were but they were hard hard [TS]

  to subdue although the Welsh were [TS]

  finally subdued before the Scots well I [TS]

  I mean we should probably have an [TS]

  offline about some you know we're [TS]

  probably have to go on hiatus for a [TS]

  little while sounds like you're you're [TS]

  gonna be pretty busy but I know we can [TS]

  continue to do the podcast will just [TS]

  have to do it a holograph for some well [TS]

  i have an iphone 5 now [TS]

  wow so you don't have a shitty phone [TS]

  anymore [TS]

  well I'm I you know I'm not prepared to [TS]

  say that because I've been trying to use [TS]

  my iphone 5 and it did not import all my [TS]

  text message history [TS]

  you didn't do all these things and so [TS]

  I'm like you know I look at I'm looking [TS]

  at it across the room she can take [TS]

  pictures now right I can take nice [TS]

  pictures i can not sure what else that [TS]

  allows me to do I can talk to Siri if i [TS]

  want to be a little frustrating still [TS]

  trying to figure out you know I well I [TS]

  think I i think i was prepped for the [TS]

  upgrade to be a transformation in my [TS]

  life and really it just works like I [TS]

  wanted my 3gs to work you know just as [TS]

  it's a it's like a 3gs accept it works [TS]

  right right right like it works like the [TS]

  3gs did when I gotta get all that stuff [TS]

  to sing can work together is definitely [TS]

  hard part my concern is for your health [TS]

  I don't want to ensure i'm worried about [TS]

  my I stopped going to lay this out [TS]

  I don't want to be controversial worry [TS]

  about the poop I don't worry about the [TS]

  bunk and and I don't want to get [TS]

  stressed bumps i want to make sure that [TS]

  you're taking lysine thank you and [TS]

  getting sleep when you can [TS]

  it's important social bandage on this [TS]

  home and Goofy and is coming [TS]

  yeah John's band and his and his [TS]

  extended staff hanna-barbera cartoon and [TS]

  including Jonathan's manager kuma merch [TS]

  guy whom you got along with so [TS]

  well so please leave when we've mended [TS]

  fences okay good [TS]

  but anyway Marlon doing the during this [TS]

  podcast with you is like a healthful [TS]

  draw a draft of of draught how do you [TS]

  fucking pronounce that draft of a [TS]

  droplet of mead it's a healthy a glass [TS]

  of vitamin-enriched Mead honey bear that [TS]

  I that I look forward to every week I [TS]

  wouldn't i would not i will John if it [TS]

  helps are all I i cough deep upon line [TS]

  meet ya [TS]

  also too I do i do I I don't see any way [TS]

  we could possibly do this while you're [TS]

  gone I just wanna make sure you take [TS]

  care of yourself that's thoughtful right [TS]

  I'm serious and also make sure you don't [TS]

  get screwed on your phone when you go [TS]

  over there without the cleaners over [TS]

  there I thought you were going to say [TS]

  don't get screwed by jonathan is it was [TS]

  a his capitalistic business practices [TS]

  I'm I thought you were learning from him [TS]

  I thought you were learning how to make [TS]

  money from jonathan coulton we are both [TS]

  learning how to make money from one [TS]

  another [TS]

  I really do you do I mean in as much as [TS]

  you can say without without making it [TS]

  sound like you guys want to make a [TS]

  living and I do so you have to help each [TS]

  other out you're able to give each other [TS]

  notes where the other has shortcomings [TS]

  deficits areas for improvement [TS]

  well here's the funny thing Jonathan [TS]

  Coulton is the person who reinvented the [TS]

  music business a few years ago I read [TS]

  that in New York Times yeah and then a [TS]

  lot of people are like well now the now [TS]

  the cat is out of the bag the music [TS]

  business is it's all it's all just put [TS]

  it on the internet for free and let [TS]

  people and then they buy your t-shirt [TS]

  problem solved and then three or four [TS]

  years went by and everybody went oh [TS]

  that's that only a only works for [TS]

  jonathan coulton and be increasingly [TS]

  like doesn't work for anybody and so my [TS]

  experience in the actual music business [TS]

  has started to come in handy with us [TS]

  because as we as we as we are making a [TS]

  christmas record and trying to promote [TS]

  it [TS]

  we have a guaranteed audience up on one [TS]

  hand of people who will buy anything [TS]

  jonathan coulton puts out but we want we [TS]

  want to get this record into other [TS]

  people's hands too [TS]

  and just putting it for free on the [TS]

  internet doesn't know that isn't really [TS]

  enough anymore you know [TS]

  so anyway where we are working in [TS]

  concert if you will to make money as [TS]

  performing artists em changing the game [TS]

  it is a game changing change gamer over [TS]

  here i had been fun to watch that from [TS]

  from sometimes nearby but mostly a [TS]

  middle-distance more jonathan is you [TS]

  know the poster child for all of this [TS]

  stuff and like like anything like this [TS]

  so it's it's really it's funny how the [TS]

  air of like having democracy in the air [TS]

  gets people so excited but then they [TS]

  realize it's still really fucking hard [TS]

  you know they go over people call like [TS]

  oh I would have recorded the song if [TS]

  only I had a 64 tracks to do when I get [TS]

  a fucking recording studio in your [TS]

  pocket like what have you made [TS]

  right now or you know what I mean it's [TS]

  ago will look at him he's a like he's a [TS]

  half million air and all he had to do [TS]

  was write a zombie song it's like we [TS]

  have only had to do and then there are [TS]

  relentlessly and well and and and you [TS]

  know and and and ultimately practices [TS]

  guitar for 15 years in order to write a [TS]

  zombie song oh yeah you know where to [TS]

  put the mark on the big machine right [TS]

  yeah but yeah I don't know that drives [TS]

  me a little crazy because everything has [TS]

  been driving me crazy more and more at [TS]

  the the product at the proximity that we [TS]

  all have two people who never have to [TS]

  work again you know you you saw that it [TS]

  and and see it all the time in your tech [TS]

  world where you know there you have you [TS]

  know that many people who never have to [TS]

  work again probably half a dozen people [TS]

  interrupt but that's a lot you know like [TS]

  a half-dozen people who never appeared [TS]

  normal people that's fine for Merlin [TS]

  that's fine for Merlin but I mean I know [TS]

  I half a dozen people in rock and roll [TS]

  or a dozen maybe who are you don't have [TS]

  to work ever again and uh and now that [TS]

  I'm meeting people in Hollywood who [TS]

  don't have to work it does a job on you [TS]

  it is i'm glad that i didn't go to prep [TS]

  school i'm glad i did not meet rich [TS]

  people i mean like a [TS]

  family money rich be like Burma rich [TS]

  people from rich people i'm glad i did [TS]

  not know them when i was a young person [TS]

  because i think that i think that [TS]

  permanently scars you to be around [TS]

  people who just were you know never had [TS]

  to or have to think about money you [TS]

  think so I find them very relaxed [TS]

  oh I know but I at least if you have my [TS]

  if you have my mind who I would just be [TS]

  turning turning turning and and I i [TS]

  think i think they basically very [TS]

  relaxed it would be me that could never [TS]

  relax [TS]

  I mean as a as it was growing up sorry [TS]

  it if you were permits you never reply [TS]

  what if I if I had grown up around [TS]

  progress people but was like I am [TS]

  oh yeah you're growing up around middle [TS]

  class people it's like well I'm all [TS]

  we're all gonna have to get a job so [TS]

  yeah it's one thing it's one thing to [TS]

  have a TV [TS]

  it's another thing to have a color TV [TS]

  yeah it's nothing that the color TV and [TS]

  black-and-white TV it's another thing to [TS]

  have five TVs and it's another thing to [TS]

  know that if you wanted to you could buy [TS]

  every TV [TS]

  yeah right order to have or to have [TS]

  servants or or what I mean I think our [TS]

  friend Shawn Nelson former single-party [TS]

  danger he went to a piscul high school [TS]

  in Virginia and a lot of his classmates [TS]

  like three things about that that are [TS]

  rough right a lot of his classmates were [TS]

  difficult to fake Catholics right yeah [TS]

  fiscal episcopal Tsar the Catholics in a [TS]

  and everything but name because of Henry [TS]

  VIII 8 before but they were the real [TS]

  like sweater not around the next set [TS]

  there and Sean although not a poor kid [TS]

  did not come from this kind of storybook [TS]

  money this like house in Maine built on [TS]

  a rock promontory that looks out over a [TS]

  you know [TS]

  kennebunk head and and you know i think [TS]

  it I think that kind of like exposure to [TS]

  preppy [TS]

  millions do you know it worked its magic [TS]

  on him into the sense of feeling on boys [TS]

  hard to project like never quite fully [TS]

  arrived [TS]

  yeah never quite fully realized as a [TS]

  person almost i mean i don't know i can [TS]

  distract of course [TS]

  yeah yeah I had this experience going to [TS]

  the HBO emmy party where the guys are [TS]

  walking around with in with enemies in [TS]

  their hands which are surprisingly big [TS]

  statues and after about the 16th guy [TS]

  like nebbishy 35 year old guy in a [TS]

  tuxedo walked past holding an Emmy I [TS]

  started to say where's my fucking enemy [TS]

  who I want to Emmy I mean these guys [TS]

  aren't any smarter than I am and they [TS]

  got an Emmy they're gonna put that any [TS]

  up on the mantel and it's going to sit [TS]

  there the rest of their lives in the day [TS]

  they die [TS]

  the first thing that the obituary is [TS]

  going to say is that they wanted me you [TS]

  know it's a kind of like you got that [TS]

  taken care of at least and I think that [TS]

  that is a sense of understanding the [TS]

  sense of like the can of Patriot past me [TS]

  or in the sense of like wow I really [TS]

  really want one of those and i'm going [TS]

  to work for it [TS]

  well that's a that's an excellent [TS]

  question I mean I the am I gonna go do I [TS]

  wanted me so badly that i'm going to go [TS]

  work for one [TS]

  no but has the cut as the concept of not [TS]

  having an Emmy being a disappointment [TS]

  now finish your dates have been [TS]

  introduced in my mom yes and so it's [TS]

  just it goes back to this question of [TS]

  like do I mean to get an Emmy one must [TS]

  chase an enemy but it doesn't keep you [TS]

  from sitting around kind of you know [TS]

  grousing or it internally feeling that [TS]

  there is something missing from your [TS]

  life for your career and that's why I [TS]

  feel like working in LA with peace is so [TS]

  even being down there for a week how can [TS]

  you be anything but perpetually broken [TS]

  it's crazy because you're closer there [TS]

  is about how nobody it isn't it seems [TS]

  like I apologize in advance to my very [TS]

  very good friends who live there but the [TS]

  whole culture seems predicated on the [TS]

  idea that everybody wants more and [TS]

  everybody was to look like they've got [TS]

  more than somebody else [TS]

  it's perpetually looking over the [TS]

  shoulder of the person you're talking to [TS]

  you like you know kind of upgrade and [TS]

  and it's just you know in San Francisco [TS]

  there's douchebag conversations to be [TS]

  certain but there's things about like [TS]

  what school your kid goes to her stuff [TS]

  but i just did the the giantess of of [TS]

  class dissatisfaction amongst rich [TS]

  people in la is staggering to me it [TS]

  seems like everybody wants to be on a [TS]

  better VIP list in LA I think that's [TS]

  true but I'm lately i have a I've been [TS]

  spending a little bit more time down [TS]

  there and and interacting with the with [TS]

  the creative class which is to say the [TS]

  aspirational young people who are trying [TS]

  to get their scripts looked at and made [TS]

  her and that you know and it's like [TS]

  anybody it's like it's like young bands [TS]

  that start off and then one of them [TS]

  become successful you've got six guys [TS]

  sitting around the table [TS]

  they're all trying to get their scripts [TS]

  made except for this guy over here who [TS]

  just won an Oscar and the level of [TS]

  achievement the level of possible [TS]

  achievement is so is so much greater [TS]

  you know like it just seems to me that [TS]

  having won an Oscar and I mean this is [TS]

  looking at it from the outside once [TS]

  you've won an Oscar I guess you have to [TS]

  get up the next day and brush your teeth [TS]

  and and and you know wipe your butt like [TS]

  anybody like I i met Leon courage who [TS]

  won an Oscar for toy story 3 and i met [TS]

  him in the context of a party where I [TS]

  said I was standing there talking to him [TS]

  for half an hour before it was made [TS]

  known to me by someone else that but he [TS]

  had just recently won an Oscar for toy [TS]

  story 3 this was last year here before [TS]

  and you know he's our age and a super [TS]

  nice guy like a mellow dude and he made [TS]

  it's not just that he won an Oscar but [TS]

  that he made a thing of such consummate [TS]

  beauty of my favorite movies of all time [TS]

  as toy story 3 [TS]

  yes tremendous movie and so all of a [TS]

  sudden I'm standing there and I'm saying [TS]

  oh you and I have been talking about our [TS]

  dads for the last half-hour but right [TS]

  now I'm just going to completely switch [TS]

  gears and start talking about the [TS]

  incredible Holocaust metaphor in the [TS]

  form of a children's want to thank that [TS]

  job you made but i'm so tired of having [TS]

  to a bring that up at a party to be have [TS]

  somebody tell me it's not true to see [TS]

  then have to make the entire room cry [TS]

  after an hour of explaining how toy [TS]

  story 3 is about the Holocaust yeah I'm [TS]

  so we have discussed this before [TS]

  no I don't think so oh this is the thing [TS]

  I do it every party it's written in the [TS]

  fabric of the movie you can't possibly [TS]

  miss that really the fire at the end [TS]

  come on [TS]

  but behind him in an attic ok if you [TS]

  don't cry at the end of toy story 3 then [TS]

  your then there's something dead inside [TS]

  you [TS]

  yeah and I'm saying this to this guy [TS]

  like so you made this wonderful thing [TS]

  like an amazing thing like a thing a [TS]

  thing that has all of the depth and [TS]

  breadth of 15 years of the simpsons and [TS]

  also like the tragedy of the Russian [TS]

  novel yeah right now but it's like it's [TS]

  a profound cart it and he's like nah [TS]

  thanks man i'm like right well there's [TS]

  nothing more for me to say hey about [TS]

  that except like high-five and let's [TS]

  talk about before we looking for with [TS]

  his success musk no no [TS]

  but-but-but-but a sense of like well i [TS]

  guess i guess the takeaway was a that [TS]

  having made a thing like that his only [TS]

  thought was about the next thing was [TS]

  going to make that's I think that's very [TS]

  i'm happy to say that I think that is [TS]

  not typical but i think that's one of [TS]

  the auditory one of the things I really [TS]

  like about people like that is that it [TS]

  isn't like they want to arrive and then [TS]

  get the statue and run the next thing I [TS]

  i have to say a lot of people i know [TS]

  work pixar and dreamworks are like this [TS]

  they think a lot about like okay well [TS]

  you know we got another good one now [TS]

  let's make another like now the next [TS]

  thing you know they're always working a [TS]

  little bit on different projects and [TS]

  their car [TS]

  it looking you know learning the new [TS]

  tools because it's critical to what they [TS]

  do and the craftsman you know there are [TS]

  people who are just constantly thinking [TS]

  about like how do we keep building on [TS]

  this and making something great ok now [TS]

  we've learned how to do hair now we've [TS]

  learned how to do the water now I know [TS]

  how to make the hair move with the wind [TS]

  and look good when it's wet now we're [TS]

  ready to make incredibles now you know [TS]

  what I mean it's is as it's a pixar uber [TS]

  fan and nerd I have so much respect for [TS]

  that process you know what I mean and [TS]

  it's eating you can tell it's like you [TS]

  know like you say like the fuck stains [TS]

  you know who learn guitar to meet girls [TS]

  you can it's so distinct and like SI la [TS]

  but it's so distinct from this culture [TS]

  of like sucking up to the right people [TS]

  so you know what this is [TS]

  so you know what this is [TS]

  kind i'm not gonna say I'm gonna say it [TS]

  but there's a meritocracy there is a [TS]

  hard place to work everybody's [TS]

  constantly kicking your ass to do things [TS]

  a hundred times better it's very Steve [TS]

  Jobs the kind of company where [TS]

  ridiculous perfection is expected of [TS]

  everybody and innovation but this is the [TS]

  thing that I am carrying around with me [TS]

  a lot lately which is that I do not I do [TS]

  not locate in myself that drive when I [TS]

  search when i searched my C Drive not [TS]

  say what files are here bleep blorp do [TS]

  not locate motivation to die pond will [TS]

  to create a purse and I you know i'm i'm [TS]

  searching through all these different [TS]

  folders marked like relax chill out take [TS]

  a break it [TS]

  whatever you know whatever to whatever [TS]

  three cats test whatever final final 36 [TS]

  and then I was going through I'm just [TS]

  going through jpegs at the bed the [TS]

  bottom of like whatever whatever [TS]

  whatever whatever and then there's a [TS]

  jpay dislike and there is idle untitled [TS]

  one final seconds into the system is one [TS]

  that says just do it [TS]

  thumbs up and I clearly eat click on it [TS]

  and it's a thumbnail picture so it's [TS]

  like 16 by 5i can't even see oh no no no [TS]

  yes yes yes and and and you know and I'm [TS]

  wondering like I'm wondering if if it's [TS]

  just a vitamin T deficit [TS]

  yeah or shining Sun but it does not but [TS]

  but but all of that does not does not [TS]

  give me any relief when I look across [TS]

  the room at a at an Emmy Award sitting [TS]

  on a table in front of some Schmendrick [TS]

  and I think what the fuck what is that [TS]

  what I the only way I could deal with [TS]

  that demon dogs to stay out of the room [TS]

  I just don't enjoy you actually but I'm [TS]

  not to talk too much about this but you [TS]

  know how I feel about the divide [TS]

  mhm I'm uncomfortable with the divide [TS]

  and I when I feel myself like moving [TS]

  toward this like [TS]

  oh there's just more famous person over [TS]

  there and well like what the fuck why [TS]

  did they want to meet me and what would [TS]

  i say if they did and like you know on [TS]

  the other hand there might be somebody [TS]

  over there that does want to meet me who [TS]

  might be really super cool it's just [TS]

  that I don't know what their famous [TS]

  they're not a famous metric you know and [TS]

  and then I always feel like if I do meet [TS]

  somebody like the sandwich guy he said [TS]

  before sounds really nice i'm just [TS]

  really going to like like Dom chris [TS]

  farley mode right where it's going to be [TS]

  like you know the thing where would he [TS]

  writes on the post-it note we never see [TS]

  what the address was still in firehouse [TS]

  awesome up if you look really close to [TS]

  zoom it looks a dinosaur looks a lot [TS]

  like a plastic dinosaur [TS]

  yeah it's really good how you do that [TS]

  yeah that I mean you know i have i have [TS]

  the advantage or a or at least the trait [TS]

  of feeling like everybody is going to be [TS]

  interested in me because i'm passing [TS]

  thank you Dad [TS]

  so so going into a room full of famous [TS]

  people I never feel cowed by it because [TS]

  it's no yeah they're going to be [TS]

  restarted the whole detected the pole [TS]

  that once they start once they really [TS]

  start listening to me they're together [TS]

  going to stop with looking over my [TS]

  shoulder but of course that is that is [TS]

  this fallacy of thinking that all it [TS]

  takes to rise in the meritocracy is to [TS]

  be intrinsically meritorious rather than [TS]

  to do good work you know that is the [TS]

  that is the fallacy of I think [TS]

  always racing partner truth is that in [TS]

  LA and this is why I cut myself off [TS]

  because I didn't want to like a dick but [TS]

  you really do have to know people and [TS]

  like you can't freeze a Rolodex you know [TS]

  from 1981 and expect to have the same [TS]

  level of success today you have to tell [TS]

  you you have to know people but you have [TS]

  to know things and you have to be [TS]

  working your ass off and I you know my [TS]

  pic the thing I struggle against is [TS]

  walking into a room and feeling like I [TS]

  am here and let the awards flow but the [TS]

  spice flow awards must throw the and and [TS]

  and realizing that you know there are a [TS]

  lot of people in this room are just as [TS]

  talented who have also been working hard [TS]

  and they are they are more deserving and [TS]

  that is you know that is a thing that I [TS]

  could have tattooed on my fingers and [TS]

  look at every day and still not and [TS]

  still not feel right now I I totally [TS]

  appreciate that [TS]

  yeah did you see there's a series Jerry [TS]

  Seinfeld does it's called something like [TS]

  nothing like getting coffee with [TS]

  comedians or something like that [TS]

  comedians in cars and something like [TS]

  this yeah it's like a Gary Newman song [TS]

  yeah what is the deal we are driving in [TS]

  cars and the coffee is here [TS]

  what's the deal with this lid i keep [TS]

  hearing about the show but I haven't [TS]

  seen well there's i only mention because [TS]

  it's it's cute you know he seems ok he [TS]

  seems like a nice you know humble guy is [TS]

  cool but there's a great one where he [TS]

  goes over Rob writers house and then [TS]

  Robert talks about how Mel Brooks comes [TS]

  to his house every night and and they [TS]

  they eat deli food off TV trays and [TS]

  watch jeopardy on the tivo any and so he [TS]

  actually asked care if you want to come [TS]

  tag along and so it's truly truly for [TS]

  like so like whatever 30 40 50 years [TS]

  Mel Brooks comes over to call writers [TS]

  every night they watch TV together which [TS]

  is a wonderful image to begin with but [TS]

  then really there they are they're [TS]

  sitting there eating shit tons of deli [TS]

  food on TV trays and watching TV and it [TS]

  becomes you imagine what that room [TS]

  smells like [TS]

  Mungo like candy [TS]

  these two guys with their hands down the [TS]

  perimeter bana le train but it's it's [TS]

  adorable they're really old and they're [TS]

  still there [TS]

  they're still really funny and they're [TS]

  super Jewish but it becomes too in my [TS]

  reading of the show it becomes apparent [TS]

  that Mel Brooks is familiar with jerry [TS]

  seinfeld but he's not super familiar and [TS]

  he's he's being a gentleman about it but [TS]

  I got the sense from watching it that he [TS]

  has not like sat down it was like [TS]

  instantly said to him oh I really like [TS]

  the moment the soup nazi or something [TS]

  right and I don't use my reading of it [TS]

  but there's something about that that [TS]

  seems to go to this discussion which was [TS]

  like you know is there anybody who by [TS]

  most metrics has been more successful [TS]

  person in comedy in the last 30 years [TS]

  Jerry Seinfeld like the guy did pretty [TS]

  well for himself but the guy who's like [TS]

  probably one of his biggest heroes is [TS]

  not know that's not that super into it [TS]

  yeah it looks and he got reason he got [TS]

  here but everything was any Grammy 000 [TS]

  likes galaxy in everyday marino like [TS]

  Rita Moreno he's one of ten living [TS]

  people 10 people in history that aren't [TS]

  he got I never knew that term now I have [TS]

  something else to be envious about Amy [TS]

  Grammy Oscar Tony and as soon as I [TS]

  learned that I was like well I don't [TS]

  have any got love Broadway if by the [TS]

  fuckin Tony Award forever when you're a [TS]

  jet you're a jet off the quick [TS]

  did you receive my one-man show guy sits [TS]

  at the end of a barn writes in his [TS]

  journal [TS]

  I can't believe you and Shawn are [TS]

  working together anymore haha that's [TS]

  missing a crowd advance too many hurt [TS]

  feelings really but anyway I'm just [TS]

  saying you know even bonds got a boss to [TS]

  quoted a wise man yeah yeah there's [TS]

  always somebody everybody else is [TS]

  looking to and going like you know if I [TS]

  Jerry so i thought i would probably [TS]

  laugh that off too and again i might be [TS]

  reading that scene wrong but I i didn't [TS]

  get the sense he was like Jerry Seinfeld [TS]

  like we hang all the time and you know [TS]

  and and that's the thing is everybody [TS]

  looks at everybody else what everybody [TS]

  else has got and they're always see [TS]

  something amorphis about them that [TS]

  represents the last puzzle piece in [TS]

  their particular thrift store collection [TS]

  and I think that exists [TS]

  well I it doesn't because i like the [TS]

  upgrades we could be at language could [TS]

  be out on his ass [TS]

  you know without a dime is pocketing [TS]

  probably still want to go make a really [TS]

  good cartoon well you you keep climbing [TS]

  up that tree and you finally get up to [TS]

  what is the meaning of this [TS]

  what is the meaning of life and is it [TS]

  just that you succeed you know I think [TS]

  about this all the time the people in [TS]

  the people that I have known who have [TS]

  devoted their lives to pursuing [TS]

  adventure sports who are like tell you [TS]

  think rock climbing or something of a [TS]

  snowboard in the winter and they serve [TS]

  in the summer or they snowboard in the [TS]

  winter and then in the summer they fly [TS]

  down to South American snowboard and you [TS]

  know i know a lot of these people [TS]

  personally from growing up with them and [TS]

  and the idea that the the doubt has [TS]

  never been introduced into their mind [TS]

  that this is anything other than an [TS]

  awesome way to spend your life and and I [TS]

  wonder whether they don't have a greater [TS]

  store of wisdom somehow or they haven't [TS]

  been around the the the karma loop a few [TS]

  more times that i have or something that [TS]

  they can that they are so effortlessly [TS]

  able to enjoy life and and not care that [TS]

  that the only mark they're making on the [TS]

  earth is there snow track that's going [TS]

  to get maybe that's maybe that's their [TS]

  duck you know this is years since [TS]

  introducing that term a few a few weeks [TS]

  ago I is to me into the world [TS]

  I think about that a lot now I think a [TS]

  lot about finding your dock and be [TS]

  honest really and and I think that's [TS]

  kind of what you're talking about this [TS]

  entire conversation is about there's [TS]

  this thing out there that I in my genes [TS]

  my jeans are telling me that there's [TS]

  this thing out there that I should be [TS]

  seeking out your dad dreams but other [TS]

  listen comfortable they are telling me [TS]

  eat more pie [TS]

  wearing my like Uncle jeans today I'm [TS]

  like my 34 34 34 35 [TS]

  um but yeah I see what you're saying you [TS]

  aren't you have a beer wineries here's [TS]

  the problem and this is the problem at [TS]

  the heart of the the finding your doc [TS]

  problem is that just because you know [TS]

  that there's something out there for you [TS]

  and just because you know you want [TS]

  something that maybe that are not [TS]

  intensely and you know what I mean [TS]

  there's all these things that can be [TS]

  extremely intense that the gestalt of [TS]

  that is not actually all that useful now [TS]

  until you know what the duck is now part [TS]

  of that finding the duck might be that [TS]

  you do not need to be an egot you might [TS]

  want to just be a good but my conversion [TS]

  sister and you say well I'm just gonna [TS]

  work the shit out of getting getting [TS]

  something on Broadway [TS]

  my concern is that my doc is to be [TS]

  discontent true i think EA that that's a [TS]

  Jewish thing I think it is it is and I [TS]

  don't even have that advantage of the [TS]

  reason nobody likes a dissatisfied [TS]

  Caucasian for the reason that was that [TS]

  Mel Brooks you know is is a little bit [TS]

  less impressed with jerry seinfeld is [TS]

  that in the third in her room in every [TS]

  Jewish temple there's a there's like a [TS]

  little mound and the top-ranking once it [TS]

  higher up on the mound [TS]

  so it's all it's all some inner it's [TS]

  some inner workings thing [TS]

  ATZ serious is this a protocols of the [TS]

  Elders of Zion thing [TS]

  yeah i'm just making it up there's no [TS]

  mound mound he's not even if there's not [TS]

  even a third in a room nice try i'm [TS]

  gonna look it up but i'm going to learn [TS]

  about these mounts the tabernacle is [TS]

  that it's covered with a cloth its [TS]

  amount you have to wear a special you [TS]

  have to wear special underwear [TS]

  yepper wire around it yeah whoo so I [TS]

  don't know the duck i find on st. John [TS]

  don't change the subject is that the [TS]

  writers are my daughter really duck to [TS]

  duck is because you know I mean I felt [TS]

  this way I i got us i don't consider [TS]

  myself a writer anymore because i don't [TS]

  i don't like writing for a job that much [TS]

  i really liked writing and I feel [TS]

  certain that that within the next few [TS]

  months or years it's something that i [TS]

  will want to do with more earnestly [TS]

  after I've you know burned off some of [TS]

  the bad karma my writing experiences in [TS]

  the last few years I love doing it [TS]

  it's just that wasn't my doc I thought [TS]

  that was my doc and I made myself very [TS]

  unhappy because I was convinced that [TS]

  that I was the hunter of that duck yeah [TS]

  and it took a different kind of thinking [TS]

  I'm not saying is you but for me it took [TS]

  me getting the point you know fuck it [TS]

  this is this is not i'm ready to let go [TS]

  of my pride and say that I'm somebody [TS]

  who likes doing this but I'm not that is [TS]

  not who I am and it made me so much [TS]

  happier [TS]

  I'm starting to figure out my duck is [TS]

  this is kind of my doc isn't that sad [TS]

  but like no it's not something that's a [TS]

  big cock this could be a worse doc but [TS]

  if you don't have to i smile face that [TS]

  every well face that every day and then [TS]

  the thing is if we have an idea of the [TS]

  false duck were rejecting a lot of good [TS]

  stuff along the way anyone could do my [TS]

  thing now but I think i mighta don't use [TS]

  to is to help people is to be helpful to [TS]

  people who are largely people who cannot [TS]

  be helped and there's a healthy and [TS]

  helpful [TS]

  there's a mean if if my duck was to make [TS]

  my mother teresa with military like [TS]

  Mother Teresa [TS]

  that's exactly right except I don't want [TS]

  dirty little sick kids touching me [TS]

  the Browns I don't want I don't care [TS]

  what color they are they're dirty and [TS]

  sick and poor well you may have you met [TS]

  my friend you may want to rethink your [TS]

  your trip to the to the aisle m1 you're [TS]

  saying there's a lot of dirty little [TS]

  sick porn is felt they spell theses [TS]

  really weird there they put me in it [TS]

  I don't think that I reeses still but [TS]

  Ireland Scotland are still be iron alone [TS]

  and Scotland that you are thinking up [TS]

  from Christmas carols [TS]

  hey there they had some dramatic [TS]

  improvements [TS]

  uh-huh since Victoria there's not [TS]

  anything over what I specifically no now [TS]

  you're right when i think about [TS]

  Christmas carols i think a lot about the [TS]

  the Isle of what we now call the UK i'm [TS]

  trying to think of what specific they [TS]

  know about Irish Christmases and [TS]

  scottish Christmases isn't simply going [TS]

  to be like a sid caesar bit they would [TS]

  they would get coal in their stockings [TS]

  and they would be overjoyed the results [TS]

  the distance first square meal that [TS]

  they've had a week because now they can [TS]

  put their stocking back feature called [TS]

  Santa hard to time to talk [TS]

  uh-huh oh god I can't believe you're [TS]

  going to do that so starting so in some [TS]

  ways I guess starting with maximum con [TS]

  through our thing which we should [TS]

  probably mention yeah maybe we should [TS]

  make the sponsor this week [TS]

  yeah we should we should that spot again [TS]

  our big show at the Showbox on Monday [TS]

  29th oktober 2009 to october it's gonna [TS]

  be hilarious show largely improvised by [TS]

  very talented improvisers white 455 [TS]

  white men in brown tuxedos [TS]

  yeah you me scott simpson and the others [TS]

  and the resident of the other two guys i [TS]

  can remand arrest [TS]

  I know that I know that I know that you [TS]

  uh you weren't you didn't like the brown [TS]

  tuxedo idea and frankly I didn't like [TS]

  the tuxedo idea frankly I when that was [TS]

  all going down at a certain point [TS]

  Hodgman felt like they had reached a [TS]

  quorum yeah but I don't think that I [TS]

  don't think that was actually true i [TS]

  think that I I felt I felt I have [TS]

  learned I have learned that i treasure [TS]

  my friends and I picked my fights and I [TS]

  don't know sometimes I keep taking them [TS]

  after i thought it healed but I brought [TS]

  the fight heels but i keep picking it [TS]

  and you know that something's gotta let [TS]

  go of items i thought it was a little to [TS]

  get this little gimmicky and it's a lot [TS]

  of dough and introduces entropy and it's [TS]

  too late for any of that traumatic is [TS]

  now running brown tuxedo yeah we're [TS]

  running brown tuxedos it's gonna be [TS]

  amazing the heads up they're gonna come [TS]

  to the show you'll be like what [TS]

  oh my god even though I heard about this [TS]

  on a podcast yeah I didn't believe it [TS]

  until I said can you really play guitar [TS]

  in a tuxedo [TS]

  oh sure like to talk a lot of guitars in [TS]

  tuxedos and get that on the Brady Bunch [TS]

  how the guitar got in my tuxedo I'll [TS]

  never know [TS]

  waka waka inside inside of a dog is to [TS]

  dr. Reid [TS]

  so we are so I'm going to max 1 comment [TS]

  i'm coming back the next day we're doing [TS]

  our show yeah and then there's some time [TS]

  and they're all falls apart is your butt [TS]

  down you got to get ready you got to get [TS]

  your papers in order and then I then I [TS]

  fly to Scotland and Ireland and then fly [TS]

  to San Francisco then I go across the [TS]

  country with jonathan coulton and then I [TS]

  end in New York where we're playing a [TS]

  Christmas show a Christmas pageant in [TS]

  New York second week in december [TS]

  so between now and then i'm gonna have [TS]

  fewer Babs probably more i'm going to [TS]

  say more meatball sandwiches but you [TS]

  have less control over them that's right [TS]

  it's going to be fewer bags i'm gonna [TS]

  have almost no meatball sandwiches in [TS]

  the bath [TS]

  um and then it's going to be Christmas [TS]

  and then i have to get up the next I [TS]

  have to get up on new year's day and [TS]

  start all over again start making my nut [TS]

  here duck nut have to start making that [TS]

  not every year now because because now [TS]

  now i have now I'm now i'm doing this [TS]

  out to make money i have to make money [TS]

  to live [TS]

  missing you think you're not picking up [TS]

  on well for years you know until I was [TS]

  30 I never made more than nine hundred [TS]

  dollars a month because i had adjusted [TS]

  every expectation in every aspect of my [TS]

  life to to fit comfortably in a nine [TS]

  hundred dollar-a-month economy so I had [TS]

  read 300 had three hundred [TS]

  dollar-a-month a apartment which wasn't [TS]

  you know what a loft that had no [TS]

  bathroom sample milk jugs and and I i [TS]

  got my mail and did and did all of my [TS]

  socializing and I mean basically my [TS]

  living room was a cafe where I knew [TS]

  everybody that worked there and they you [TS]

  know and they they treated me like a [TS]

  like I lived there basically and then I [TS]

  worked about 20 hours a week and I spent [TS]

  the rest of the time playing rock and [TS]

  roll and chasing girls and then for the [TS]

  last 10 years i have been here for the [TS]

  further for the first seven years of my [TS]

  thirties i was in a van the whole time [TS]

  driving around playing in staying in [TS]

  hotels and playing in rock clubs [TS]

  and then I made a little bit of money [TS]

  and then I spent four years sitting on [TS]

  my ass and now I'm 44 years old and I [TS]

  have to figure out how to make a living [TS]

  uh-huh does this sound familiar [TS]

  not my father except for all the other [TS]

  parts and everything else that was [TS]

  completely different every every not a [TS]

  single bit of that is was me until the [TS]

  last part and that me [TS]

  yeah it's kind of its kind of everybody [TS]

  but it's especially me [TS]

  I'm envious of the people who are secure [TS]

  my memories of the people who are like [TS]

  yeah you know i'll just a good do this [TS]

  thing and I'm like how do you do that [TS]

  thing like he could do that thing with [TS]

  the ship to plan a lot for but what you [TS]

  have to move a lot of stuff around to do [TS]

  that but that's yeah it says that starts [TS]

  in January first we should put it on our [TS]

  calendar what making money making money [TS]

  day it starts you know we should we [TS]

  should start next year next year should [TS]

  be we're making money here [TS]

  well that's what you think that's [TS]

  something we as we help ourselves [TS]

  well let's be honest we're helping [TS]

  ourselves with the show too well [TS]

  obviously will be hoped we could be [TS]

  helping other people to we give people [TS]

  opportunities we show them things for [TS]

  them ducks they weren't even aware [TS]

  that's right as we start my seemingly [TS]

  extinct ducks people are going to say if [TS]

  those two ding-dongs can make money I [TS]

  can make money right time I gotta be [TS]

  honest with you I'll cut this out but [TS]

  there's a shit ton of money to be made [TS]

  in telling people how they can make [TS]

  money [TS]

  oh I know it's really it's I'm not just [TS]

  saying it's getting tight we're getting [TS]

  old like you understand it's all [TS]

  downhill from here suck [TS]

  we're not going two years to get better [TS]

  so we may have to resort to helping [TS]

  people quote unquote get quote unquote [TS]

  rich quote-unquote right get rich get [TS]

  you know what its you have to work [TS]

  smarter before you work harder you have [TS]

  to work smarter [TS]

  mhm for you what you could be smarter [TS]

  and harder and won't have to worry smart [TS]

  and hard [TS]

  and not have to work I like this I like [TS]

  where this is going before you answer [TS]

  let me ask you this [TS]

  I fight you know how I just I want to [TS]

  run a seminar where i teach people to be [TS]

  retired director of the CIA [TS]

  wait a minute this is that you found it [TS]

  you found your end run you found your [TS]

  flanking maneuver so you're so the [TS]

  problem is i understand it is you want [TS]

  to be a retired senator but that or [TS]

  retired general but that requires you [TS]

  being a senator and or general in order [TS]

  to become retired exactly but there's [TS]

  nothing to stop me from teaching other [TS]

  people how to do it [TS]

  hello wait a minute and i think this is [TS]

  something i think that already you have [TS]

  lit a fire amongst our listeners about [TS]

  the worlds of possibilities that are out [TS]

  there whether they like it or not [TS]

  there's no reason there's no fucking [TS]

  reason that you couldn't fill up the [TS]

  ballroom at him at a motel six with [TS]

  people who are interested in learning [TS]

  more about how to become the thing that [TS]

  you're not but kinda want to be alright [TS]

  do you think they'll pay a hundred and [TS]

  twenty-five dollars for a packet i'll [TS]

  borrow it [TS]

  I mean you know you quit and uh you know [TS]

  lottery tickets and cools for a month [TS]

  and come in and and really learn how to [TS]

  become a gentleman with John become a [TS]

  gentleman which all all of those [TS]

  fortunes are our packet-based fortunes [TS]

  you know you have to sell people a [TS]

  packet [TS]

  yeah it helps to have a lino you go I'm [TS]

  gonna look cool on telling this to you [TS]

  work with jonathan coulton you have a [TS]

  merch table in the back [TS]

  I've got itself how i came to see one of [TS]

  the preeminent self-help gurus of the [TS]

  century and he had a place in the back [TS]

  with some baseball hats baseball hat to [TS]

  sell CDs you could sell you know you can [TS]

  see all kinds of stuff you know Europe [TS]

  Europe whatever the opposite of a [TS]

  commodity is I guess strong position i'm [TS]

  a non commodity here especially little [TS]

  guys what you are up to God that bus is [TS]

  going to be stinky [TS]

  is it going to be what is it going to be [TS]

  in five of you any buses stinky I mean [TS]

  to figure that is writing the name bus [TS]

  you know this and and it has windows and [TS]

  stuff that is a coach is just going to [TS]

  be like one of those like hey look it's [TS]

  willie nelson kind of bus no no it's a [TS]

  bus with a living room [TS]

  ok know what I mean no it's not gonna be [TS]

  like being in a spaceship yeah it's like [TS]

  the anticipation and the thing is you [TS]

  got five six guys who are all in there [TS]

  all in their forties it's a different [TS]

  kind of smell than five or six guys on [TS]

  their twenties you know in a good way [TS]

  well i don't know i mean which do you [TS]

  like better i guess it's pick your I [TS]

  don't know I really don't care for [TS]

  either of them but much that is like [TS]

  something it's like it's like an RV that [TS]

  but a lot nicer bigger right bigger and [TS]

  nicer bigger nicer but like how to bathe [TS]

  as well as r1 shower now you pull in and [TS]

  you pull into a town and get a hotel [TS]

  room and everybody uses it as a as like [TS]

  a way station you all night but it's [TS]

  gotta move for the right you can see you [TS]

  can hit the can in the box right don't [TS]

  poop in the boss what the first bus I [TS]

  ever toured waves this changes [TS]

  everything you don't snoop on it i [TS]

  walked into the bus the first bus I'd [TS]

  ever been off so that shot out at a [TS]

  suitcase at my guitar case pick my bunk [TS]

  and I went into the toilet and there was [TS]

  a big sign over the toilet but said no [TS]

  mud pickles that takes a lot of the [TS]

  value offer for me i read that I'd [TS]

  rather deal with dissipating the after [TS]

  effects than not having that to me that [TS]

  that takes it all that's like not having [TS]

  seats in it as far as I'm concerned [TS]

  yeah well the reason you don't go poo on [TS]

  the bus is that no matter even you that [TS]

  we can put a man on the moon we can make [TS]

  a sports car that runs on electric power [TS]

  a guy can jump out of a balloon in outer [TS]

  space and fall to earth but you cannot [TS]

  make a mobile toilet that doesn't stick [TS]

  the whole bus with poop [TS]

  I you know I don't care if the toilet is [TS]

  just a hole in the in the floor of the [TS]

  bus and the pool just goes right out on [TS]

  the pavement who somehow psychologically [TS]

  that pool stay there [TS]

  look with you as you go down the road [TS]

  it's like a portal it's got that it's [TS]

  got the portal a problem of [TS]

  it's all about collection is not about [TS]

  dissipation yeah and you can tweak it [TS]

  just can't have back all the other [TS]

  smells that are happening all the other [TS]

  the close proximity the-the-the like I'm [TS]

  tired of seeing you guys see let's be [TS]

  honest the onanism that's going to be [TS]

  have to be something you can work [TS]

  something there's some of that everybody [TS]

  in there been their bunks at night [TS]

  pretending that they're asleep media [TS]

  have white noise or how to cover that up [TS]

  now the bus is loud because things guys [TS]

  better because guys in their twenties [TS]

  can finish that quick but you guys you [TS]

  know you might need to warm up by [TS]

  stretching exercises you're saying [TS]

  especially guys you're saying the guys [TS]

  in their forties when they masturbate [TS]

  are louder than guys in their twenties [TS]

  anyhow i'm not a scientist but it seems [TS]

  to me your memories not as good [TS]

  certainly not as coordinated kinda [TS]

  talking to yourself like huh yeah what [TS]

  what what [TS]

  ally sollar I saw a lady at the turn [TS]

  around turn around I saw at the that [TS]

  sure that is that is what was her name [TS]

  almost got to what you're doing i'm [TS]

  gonna do it [TS]

  Mabel masturbating is complicated [TS]

  [Music] [TS]