Roderick on the Line

Ep. 55: "A Welsh Troll"


  hello hi John [TS]

  hi Merlin hi how are you [TS]

  more than men how are you you sound like [TS]

  a lot going on [TS]

  no you know i'm so dizzy yeah you're a [TS]

  busy person i'm so dizzy I think people [TS]

  say that [TS]

  busy busy busy busy now I love life is [TS]

  like a glass like a big closet [TS]

  you know you're always gonna you're [TS]

  gonna fill up every one of them no [TS]

  matter what [TS]

  absolutely true you know people say [TS]

  they're busy because i think it's [TS]

  indisputable that most other people in [TS]

  the world are not doing anything you're [TS]

  not busy at all and the so those few [TS]

  people who are busy who say I'm really [TS]

  busy right now they are the better git [TS]

  er done errs for the actual busy people [TS]

  and we should support them with all of [TS]

  our efforts i got mixed feelings because [TS]

  when i say i'm busy it usually means one [TS]

  of a couple things and they're both my [TS]

  fault [TS]

  no I'm never if I I mean I'm a [TS]

  disgusting the nature of what I quote [TS]

  unquote do it since there's never time [TS]

  that I should be too busy unless I you [TS]

  have chosen to be too busy mean because [TS]

  I'm really its kind of trip everybody [TS]

  when they like to admit it or not but [TS]

  yeah I with me it means i have [TS]

  overcommitted or a plan poorly or all in [TS]

  the midst of all that i'm just not being [TS]

  very good our effective if you like [TS]

  yeah I I whenever I say I'm busy I could [TS]

  just replace that with i'm behind the [TS]

  8-ball i'm behind the eight ball that's [TS]

  what I mean [TS]

  screams I'm sitting in a room right now [TS]

  that is basically just boxes and bags of [TS]

  things that I haven't attended to and [TS]

  the boxes and bags are stacked on other [TS]

  boxes and bags until I'm like a I'm like [TS]

  a hoarder person where you can only get [TS]

  to my computer desk through a corridor [TS]

  through a corridor just like stacked [TS]

  olds cat food cans [TS]

  these newspapers tied with tied with [TS]

  ramen noodles and a little taste of the [TS]

  orient in your home organization and i'm [TS]

  just i'm behind the eight ball just even [TS]

  walk in here and like a behind the eight [TS]

  ball [TS]

  well I hate to admit tonight that I know [TS]

  this but there are stages to hoarding [TS]

  and there are like they're like in the [TS]

  same way you look at dsm you know this [TS]

  all the are you a person who has you [TS]

  know depression with them some kind of [TS]

  some kind of sex thing [TS]

  yeah it's a role-playing thing is the [TS]

  DSM guide mhm [TS]

  oh the diagnostic stimulation modulator [TS]

  4got sybian sibilance is that is a UH [TS]

  that gosh where do i begin first of all [TS]

  it's it's it's all I can do not turn [TS]

  this into you know one of those other [TS]

  shows right about bad stuff stages of [TS]

  stages according to their stations [TS]

  reporting and you know it's a I had I [TS]

  had a reason and one point my life to [TS]

  learn about these things their family [TS]

  you're into my house do you feel like [TS]

  I'm on the hoarding continuum John we're [TS]

  all on the horn continue and that's only [TS]

  two continuum you're right you're right [TS]

  everybody's a little special mi mi [TS]

  somewhere out along the horn continuum [TS]

  as you can jaan i'm not a hoarding [TS]

  clinician right but yeah there's that I [TS]

  forget how many faces there are but [TS]

  there's once you're it's you know it [TS]

  again once you want to become aware [TS]

  something it's hard to stop seeing it [TS]

  everywhere and i have to tell you that [TS]

  I'm pretty sure one of the middle phases [TS]

  is paths [TS]

  uh-huh right when you believe we have to [TS]

  blaze trails through stuff I think [TS]

  you're I think you're on the ec [TS]

  exceedingly slightly more special part [TS]

  of a continuum that's like when you when [TS]

  you buy of a Volkswagen bug and then all [TS]

  of a sudden you see Volkswagen bugs [TS]

  everywhere i didn't know i think this i [TS]

  think this is a version of an [TS]

  availability heuristic that you make [TS]

  decisions about what's going on in the [TS]

  world based on the information that's [TS]

  available to you in your own experience [TS]

  right right for instance i never used to [TS]

  see PT Cruisers at all [TS]

  thank god you're lucky i know i had a PT [TS]

  Cruiser screen on my consciousness like [TS]

  a filter that came down [TS]

  let a little like a little protective [TS]

  advisor it was a protective visor a [TS]

  mental visor that screened out PT [TS]

  Cruisers but then one time Kathleen [TS]

  Edwards came here to visit me and she [TS]

  rented a PT Cruiser so cute and we're [TS]

  driving around town in his PT cruiser [TS]

  and all of a sudden i'm a member of the [TS]

  PT Cruiser fraternity and people are [TS]

  like PB pie other PT Cruisers everywhere [TS]

  and I and I have to see them i'm in one [TS]

  and it did change me forever and not in [TS]

  a good way [TS]

  no no I I feel the same way uh ever [TS]

  since I was a little kid [TS]

  this is probably a phenomenon with the [TS]

  name but you you feel like you have [TS]

  there's a word that you haven't heard [TS]

  your whole life and then one day you [TS]

  hear it and then that same day you hear [TS]

  it again and so either you heard that [TS]

  word before and you didn't remember it [TS]

  when there's some you know you know dark [TS]

  matter what and when you say it's [TS]

  probably the name you mean your name [TS]

  Merlin Mann never heard it that advisor [TS]

  protect advisor what you know what I [TS]

  hate is a legitimate so what the first [TS]

  time somebody's on abracadabra to you [TS]

  you're like a boy and a man but you know [TS]

  you gotta hate and unintentional [TS]

  left-handed compliment at a job [TS]

  my wife had a few years ago her boss was [TS]

  just talking about you know whatever [TS]

  like you do in office cuz you know [TS]

  really work in an office and and she [TS]

  said and then have you ever seen those [TS]

  PT Cruisers and she's like yeah sure [TS]

  just that seems like the kind of car you [TS]

  drive [TS]

  oh and you know I think that's the way I [TS]

  think that's a way of saying to somebody [TS]

  that you really knows mostly through [TS]

  work as a way of saying you're a fun [TS]

  like kinky individual Oh interesting [TS]

  it's a kicky it's a it's a quirky cards [TS]

  like ya on ya can tech this is from a [TS]

  lady this is from a lady has reached [TS]

  that kind of menopausal age we start [TS]

  wearing a lot of chunky jewelry and [TS]

  saying what's on your mind you know but [TS]

  she wasn't saying it unkind way [TS]

  no no she meant that Madeline was a was [TS]

  like a funky gal it totally and it's you [TS]

  know the things that we buy for other [TS]

  people as present as an example is [TS]

  another example usually say much more [TS]

  about us than it does about the other [TS]

  person often it shows that we have bad [TS]

  judgment and no taste [TS]

  well i hope that Madeline enjoys the the [TS]

  pearl handle derringers I border for [TS]

  Christmas she treasures them [TS]

  she was gonna give her anything with [TS]

  pearl on it that's good [TS]

  it's a but you know that's that seem [TS]

  like a sweet thing to say but do you [TS]

  know gosh where I even begin I want to [TS]

  get back to the hoarding but yeah yeah [TS]

  you know it's like when you're a little [TS]

  kid and you know you know exactly the [TS]

  kind of GI joe that you want like a very [TS]

  specific my case files in the big gym [TS]

  for a while we just him [TS]

  yeah which is kind of like a bicurious [TS]

  GI joe who likes to go to the beach how [TS]

  about Stretch Armstrong did you have a [TS]

  stretch arms from test marketed for [TS]

  kenner what [TS]

  how are you the kid that got to [TS]

  test-market Stretch Armstrong general [TS]

  did you ever have a really cool little [TS]

  car called an SST we pulled the t-strap [TS]

  and flies across the floor [TS]

  test marketed I stories right saw them I [TS]

  never had one myself another broken by [TS]

  your mother up the wizard the wizard top [TS]

  this tops it goes across the floor yeah [TS]

  I was a test marketer for counter toys [TS]

  when I was a child [TS]

  how did you get this gig i was bored in [TS]

  class and I i think what happens counter [TS]

  and Family Services encounter was is [TS]

  based in Cincinnati or at least has a [TS]

  big outpost there right this is the kind [TS]

  of thing you can do in a public school [TS]

  in the seventies is you would take a [TS]

  mean let's be honest it was the smart [TS]

  kids the kids they could afford to just [TS]

  miss the whole class to go play with the [TS]

  toy and please don't ever make the other [TS]

  kids love us they want to thank you baby [TS]

  love you test market toys in school to [TS]

  me Jenny balcom Billy shallower we did [TS]

  they take us out the second let's go and [TS]

  and all the kids who star who already [TS]

  done with work they get to go play with [TS]

  toys for the other kids haha I you thank [TS]

  you thank you hate me too [TS]

  that's terrible yeah I mean it's [TS]

  wonderful but it's terribly awful i hate [TS]

  me 2 i'm like a PT Cruiser oh you know [TS]

  what I had to do I had to pretend I was [TS]

  sick and go to the nurse's office to how [TS]

  do you have a method did you put that [TS]

  you put a thermometer under your arm up [TS]

  against the light or anything like that [TS]

  oh no I file it i mean you want to see [TS]

  right through you actually have to get a [TS]

  disease [TS]

  clearly i was sick when I was never you [TS]

  know it's funny we had cats my whole [TS]

  life growing up and I'm allergic to cats [TS]

  so I always orders was a little sick [TS]

  oh really you're like you're like will [TS]

  ring you have to constantly call upon [TS]

  your healing abilities in order just to [TS]

  stay alive and that causes baseline [TS]

  paint you all the time [TS]

  exactly there's there's [TS]

  many ways in which I'm like wolverine [TS]

  that is one of the ways radians fuck you [TS]

  up with all that metal that's not going [TS]

  to go into it [TS]

  marbut so so nobody ever thought maybe [TS]

  this kid is allergic to cats so I had a [TS]

  constant scratchy cough and runny nose [TS]

  for I'm serious now 14 years your eyes [TS]

  you get the eyes itchy eyes and so I [TS]

  would sit in class and if I wanted to [TS]

  if class was boring i wanted to get out [TS]

  i would just be like I've really thick [TS]

  right down and they sent me to the [TS]

  nurse's office and I I'd lay on the way [TS]

  on the cot in the nurse's office and [TS]

  count the dots in the ceiling tile you [TS]

  can call upon your your your conquest [TS]

  space fantasies for really any room [TS]

  where you can be supplied [TS]

  yeah i just want this one to go [TS]

  somewhere lay down have him turn the [TS]

  lights down a little bit and then leave [TS]

  me the leave me alone and you know and [TS]

  they thought i was sleeping but I was [TS]

  just you know what you needed you needed [TS]

  fake chronic migraines [TS]

  oh interesting many people are very [TS]

  think about it it's one of those things [TS]

  the etiology is really tough you can [TS]

  look at somebody and tell whether they [TS]

  do or don't have a migraine is they're [TS]

  really good at looking like they have a [TS]

  migraine [TS]

  well or chronic fatigue syndrome no I [TS]

  don't want to get into chronic fatigue [TS]

  syndrome because i believe it's a real [TS]

  thing and there are people who is well [TS]

  the people who suffer from it are very [TS]

  very serious about it being real thing [TS]

  and and they have impressed upon me that [TS]

  if it is a real thing and no one [TS]

  believes you [TS]

  that is got to be a terrible terrible [TS]

  fate right to be like completely sick [TS]

  and you're essentially telling somebody [TS]

  that they're either insane a liar or [TS]

  both [TS]

  yeah right these people go to the doctor [TS]

  and they're like I feel like I can [TS]

  barely function and the doctors like [TS]

  you're imagining it [TS]

  uh huh you know and for years this goes [TS]

  on so I i won't make I won't make jokes [TS]

  about chronic fatigue syndrome x6 that [TS]

  helped except that it does sound like [TS]

  they're faking it sound like it but you [TS]

  know there's there's a funny thing in [TS]

  medicine as you know not physician but [TS]

  there are a range of things where they [TS]

  know that there's a condition that [TS]

  exists but there's no etiology for it [TS]

  and there's no test for proving that [TS]

  exists right and having one of those [TS]

  things suck [TS]

  x sucks it sucks and that chronic [TS]

  fatigue syndrome is one you know what I [TS]

  gotta tell you up until and you're gonna [TS]

  get you know about this but up until the [TS]

  last few years I was pretty sure that [TS]

  kids with food allergies was mostly a [TS]

  fake things my thought it was maybe a [TS]

  doting mother or something you know but [TS]

  it's like why did why is it suddenly [TS]

  everybody has food allergies and it [TS]

  didn't use to be [TS]

  oh yeah tell you the truth I don't know [TS]

  why that is and I kind of don't care [TS]

  because now i do I have a friend whose [TS]

  kid to Justin brief when they knew that [TS]

  like once I'm healing touch the piece of [TS]

  cheese and it looks like a tattoo on his [TS]

  arm [TS]

  whoa yeah just from like a little piece [TS]

  of it took me to get tested [TS]

  yeah and they started with i think an [TS]

  eighth of a teaspoon of milk and I think [TS]

  it's such a horrible story said mom I [TS]

  feel crazy I feel weird or something in [TS]

  his eyes rolled back in his head he went [TS]

  into anaphylactic shock and they had to [TS]

  give him like two or three EpiPen shots [TS]

  and taken to the emergency room he [TS]

  almost died at the hospital [TS]

  holy cats yeah yeah so like he's so when [TS]

  you hear stuff when i first heard like [TS]

  there's a little lactose intolerance [TS]

  what you're saying that he's a little [TS]

  lactose intolerant but here's the thing [TS]

  imagine now the this this wonderful that [TS]

  the parents he has a good friend of mine [TS]

  and she's a pistol begin with and [TS]

  crystal sheer all she's assisting your [TS]

  son and more like when you follow her on [TS]

  Twitter she's very this isn't this is a [TS]

  non-public story meeting grouper their [TS]

  kid has an extreme allergy and she [TS]

  carries EpiPens everywhere and she's [TS]

  ready but you know the thing is i have [TS]

  to say like a few years ago i got when i [TS]

  was a kid I remember Julie schlessinger [TS]

  didn't like oranges so she had to wait [TS]

  in line for a banana [TS]

  oh and she would cry and now now that [TS]

  might have been a food allergy but no [TS]

  kid I knew that stuff that they just [TS]

  couldn't eat because they would get sick [TS]

  that I knew of [TS]

  yeah yeah but I am a hundred percent [TS]

  positive that israel now but this is the [TS]

  problem with are both being from our [TS]

  generation and before [TS]

  mmm this is that this is one of those i [TS]

  remember the first time I heard the [TS]

  first well and the first time I heard a [TS]

  DD i was in a psychologist's office [TS]

  psychiatrist's office actually and he [TS]

  said [TS]

  I want you to sit in front of this [TS]

  computer and and play this game and i [TS]

  sat in front of a computer and i played [TS]

  this game where things flashed at me and [TS]

  I was supposed to choose this thing or [TS]

  that thing and then something shot [TS]

  across the screen and I was supposed to [TS]

  choose between two options and I get to [TS]

  the end of this not very fun game and he [TS]

  goes well here's the problem you have [TS]

  attention deficit disorder who and I [TS]

  said what's that he said oh it's this [TS]

  new diagnosis where people who are [TS]

  people who are struggling to integrate [TS]

  themselves into the world's it turns out [TS]

  that you are not lazy or dumb [TS]

  it's just that you can't stay focused on [TS]

  things and there's a medicine for that [TS]

  and I said I was old enough at this [TS]

  point I like 17 that i was at and I had [TS]

  been going to psychologist for a long [TS]

  time that I was suspicious of them and I [TS]

  was suspicious of this diagnosis as I [TS]

  think a lot of people were at first a TD [TS]

  what the hell is that [TS]

  attention deficit disorder what is that [TS]

  mhm and then attempted attention deficit [TS]

  hyperactivity disorder and these these [TS]

  were things when we were in when we were [TS]

  kids [TS]

  if you had that what they did it took [TS]

  you out of class and let you test market [TS]

  some toys in usually with school you [TS]

  know what I mean like that was that was [TS]

  their shares your prescription complete [TS]

  stretch armstrong yeah or like he's a [TS]

  spirited little kid or whatever it was [TS]

  you know but all of a sudden that the [TS]

  EPA to become a pathology and now of [TS]

  course we live in a world where I mean I [TS]

  don't spend a lot of time in great [TS]

  schools yet but i imagine when you're in [TS]

  great schools now the number of kids [TS]

  that have attention deficit [TS]

  hyperactivity disorder or something on [TS]

  that spectrum it's probably forty [TS]

  percent of the kids in the school and [TS]

  when you combine food allergies as [TS]

  burgers all the other ways in which [TS]

  we're now get dyslexia [TS]

  yeah well I mean is there really is a [TS]

  lesser-known it's a long time [TS]

  thing and it's like yeah here's the kid [TS]

  writes his letters backwards but but [TS]

  there are a lot of parents that are [TS]

  self-diagnosing their kids as Bergen and [TS]

  a lot of parents that are still like in [TS]

  denial about it but their next-door [TS]

  neighbors are diagnosing their kids as [TS]

  birkin that's the aerial i mean i i've [TS]

  got a couple kids in my life with with [TS]

  legitimate like you can tell [TS]

  plus the doctor said ass burgers and [TS]

  everybody but their parents I was ready [TS]

  to cop to that the parents were the last [TS]

  but yeah I mean if your kids got a thing [TS]

  you don't you don't want to be labeled [TS]

  you know it well [TS]

  right except that except that I mean in [TS]

  park slope right now if your kid doesn't [TS]

  have a thing who your gotta get a [TS]

  special special school [TS]

  he's the outlier and I mean you remember [TS]

  when we were and this is true all the [TS]

  way through high school for us there [TS]

  were kids that were separated out and [TS]

  put in special classes but there was one [TS]

  special class there was one special [TS]

  class and everybody you know everybody [TS]

  went there including probably now that i [TS]

  think about it kids who were mentally [TS]

  functioning at a high level but they [TS]

  just had a palsy or something [TS]

  how is it was ridiculous in the same [TS]

  thing happen my dad with dyslexia and [TS]

  Men and poor vision and it's what [TS]

  happened a lot of people and you get [TS]

  this one place that basically becomes [TS]

  like a what a pedagogical holding cell [TS]

  and so so people with profound [TS]

  personality problems legitimate [TS]

  depression serious health problems or [TS]

  maybe they just read too fast [TS]

  yeah right read too fast right well but [TS]

  but i guess the getting getting back to [TS]

  your point at which is that it's very [TS]

  like we were raised certainly I was [TS]

  raised in an environment where mind my [TS]

  initial response to this like [TS]

  proliferation of human problems was [TS]

  suspicion that that people were making [TS]

  up these diagnoses that that that [TS]

  chronic fatigue syndrome and attention [TS]

  deficit hyperactivity disorder were on [TS]

  the same spectrum which was the spectrum [TS]

  of people making shit up about [TS]

  themselves to excuse their shoddy [TS]

  performance and as you know as time goes [TS]

  on you accept [TS]

  you accept that these things are real [TS]

  you think back to our childhood when [TS]

  none of these things existed in [TS]

  everybody had to just cope if the if [TS]

  these problems existed 40 years ago your [TS]

  your solution was cope or go to the [TS]

  special class where you have to wear a [TS]

  helmet [TS]

  absolutely and I mean in terms of like [TS]

  today the so many kids go to private [TS]

  school [TS]

  I mean and again you can't really can't [TS]

  compare there's so many different [TS]

  variables that have changed in the last [TS]

  40 years but you know the only kids I [TS]

  knew who went to private school went to [TS]

  private school because it was a Catholic [TS]

  school and just went that was I didn't [TS]

  know anybody who went to the like the [TS]

  huntington academy or something like [TS]

  that [TS]

  now they want to probably isn't just got [TS]

  finger in the pooper uh-huh sure and [TS]

  free bread and butter but you know so [TS]

  you camp so I i become more sensitive [TS]

  you can only hear caches million threads [TS]

  here it's supposed to supposed to eat [TS]

  again where we made it through the age [TS]

  of reason you know we don't believe that [TS]

  there's a you know a troll in your head [TS]

  tiny troll causing your headache and [TS]

  stuff like that and so when should you [TS]

  use haha just an animist you just say to [TS]

  my dad he would say stuff you don't be [TS]

  like marinara [TS]

  oh it's great that you're a musician [TS]

  that some it's it's your jeans for genes [TS]

  are responsible for you being a good [TS]

  musician i would say screw off thats [TS]

  that well stroll in your head there's a [TS]

  Welsh troll that lives in your brain all [TS]

  that trouble is so fucking well she's [TS]

  not even fun comes up with shitty things [TS]

  to say he started rubbing alcohol and [TS]

  your 3-way family takes the credit away [TS]

  from me that well stroll in your brain [TS]

  and he was like I don't have a well [TS]

  stroll and we would get would argue [TS]

  about the wealth troll that lives inside [TS]

  of you know exactly who would say [TS]

  there's no well stroll is a guy who has [TS]

  a well stroll [TS]

  yeah yeah yeahs well stroll is what [TS]

  saying there's no well I'm not in denial [TS]

  I'm not a well stroll girl stroll [TS]

  I'm senses that like a couple things [TS]

  here 10 yeah irritable bowel syndrome [TS]

  that's another thing you know I've got [TS]

  I've got the intestinal issues but i do [TS]

  not have IBS and some ways I'm grateful [TS]

  to go nitro disease i get the other one [TS]

  oh yeah but it's like we talked about [TS]

  that you want but I vs is that it [TS]

  by you stay there when i'm having a [TS]

  tough time [TS]

  yeah I know dear but you but unlike a [TS]

  lot of people you keep chopsticks on the [TS]

  back of the toilet to go through your oh [TS]

  yeah terms of that just kind of sifting [TS]

  through doing a little bit of panning ya [TS]

  little panting panting for corn I keep [TS]

  that I keep some poultry shears I'm a [TS]

  very fine mesh and of course index cards [TS]

  haha yeah well I've got an old toilet [TS]

  um yes anyway IBS is a bummer because [TS]

  you get this weird comment isn't like [TS]

  you know I BS you get sometimes you get [TS]

  diarrhea and sometimes but a lot of the [TS]

  times you're constipated the most of [TS]

  your kind of impact that Beth Orton that [TS]

  singer that Beth Orton lady had it and [TS]

  then it really screwed her up [TS]

  that's one of those that were you go in [TS]

  like with a migraine I don't think [TS]

  unless you do one of those made-up [TS]

  phony-baloney fmri kind of things I [TS]

  don't think you can go and say oh yeah [TS]

  you have migraines I think it's all [TS]

  based on symptoms aren't that many you [TS]

  get signs and symptoms symptoms are what [TS]

  friends are for pussies [TS]

  he's got a bad and I think he's good and [TS]

  like drugged up on stuff that he doesn't [TS]

  like taking to keep them even manageable [TS]

  and even then they're not super [TS]

  manageable my mom get some however often [TS]

  well that's the thing that has like [TS]

  forever but there are crippling she has [TS]

  that pain threshold thing [TS]

  oh your mom and the pain where when she [TS]

  says like there's a headache coming and [TS]

  I need to close the blinds and go [TS]

  upstairs [TS]

  it was so over Gibson it's so it's so [TS]

  disconcerting because she is so [TS]

  unaffected by pain in most situations [TS]

  but it's like oh no what is this madness [TS]

  like I was wondering about that when you [TS]

  said that she got them because you said [TS]

  you how God gives you the beard that you [TS]

  deserve [TS]

  I wonder you know the pain is one of [TS]

  those things that's so hard to quantify [TS]

  because it is you know you're the only [TS]

  one who's feeling the pain and certainly [TS]

  based on history they can say that if [TS]

  you've got a gunshot wound to the [TS]

  abdomen there's a pretty good chance [TS]

  you're going to call that a seven eight [TS]

  nine or maybe ten you have that so [TS]

  that's one of the that's traditionally [TS]

  one of the pain that sort of stainless [TS]

  that's pancreatic cancer shot will [TS]

  consider to the gunshot to the to the [TS]

  belly [TS]

  yeah right that's pretty bad news that [TS]

  but with your mom see that's the thing [TS]

  when you say that God gives people in [TS]

  the beer that they deserve [TS]

  I wonder if like you get the migraine [TS]

  that I mean I bet your migraine sucks [TS]

  for everybody but there's not that many [TS]

  people that get a migraine that just go [TS]

  i can just deal with this [TS]

  yeah you know me brush it off yeah yeah [TS]

  and yet she sees the she starts seeing [TS]

  halos of light and yet last year classic [TS]

  yeah she's like I'm out of here and it's [TS]

  you know it doesn't even hurt yet she's [TS]

  just like delirious and I throw up and I [TS]

  want to die i have never had a migraine [TS]

  and I'm pretty fortunate and you know [TS]

  for a lot of people are the triggers [TS]

  right you can have like you know like [TS]

  red wine or chocolate or there's I guess [TS]

  all kinds of things and if you're very [TS]

  sensitive don't listen to this because [TS]

  even listening this could probably give [TS]

  him a migraine but all those things they [TS]

  also because you feel like your monkey [TS]

  balls right like all the sudden you got [TS]

  this thing nobody can see but you don't [TS]

  let me say one more thing about the ad [TS]

  because you know if you got two little [TS]

  kids let's see how to play date another [TS]

  kid comes over and you know the classic [TS]

  you must face in your own home actually [TS]

  love to hear how your mom handle this [TS]

  there's one large piece of cake left and [TS]

  there's two kids so what do you do [TS]

  my mom throws the kick in the yard [TS]

  that's a light cake that's not your cake [TS]

  but mom says no gig for anybody just [TS]

  keeps it on the counter and some [TS]

  Tupperware and it's just there and then [TS]

  you finally you ask out the window is [TS]

  that my mom used to buy grape juice for [TS]

  my sister it was a special treat that [TS]

  she would give my sister a glass of [TS]

  grape juice [TS]

  Susan expensive she was insane about [TS]

  grape juice and it was very expensive in [TS]

  the seventies you know when we were our [TS]

  weekly food budget well love the juices [TS]

  they were it was one of the more costly [TS]

  yeah and we had like four dollars and [TS]

  thirty-five cents to feed the three of [TS]

  us for a week she would buy grape juice [TS]

  and she would have portion it out in [TS]

  glasses to Susan I didn't really care [TS]

  about grape juice but the scriptures was [TS]

  for Susan and she gave it to Susan so [TS]

  sparingly that the that the bottle of [TS]

  grape juice like routinely turn to wine [TS]

  attractive turns cooking vinegar in the [TS]

  fridge before Susan was able to all its [TS]

  Nevel [TS]

  no yeah and then sat in there every time [TS]

  you open the fridge like there's the [TS]

  grape juice but a more conventional [TS]

  homes when you when you have [TS]

  a large slice of cake and two kids at [TS]

  the classic way to do this prisoner's [TS]

  dilemma kind of thing right or 10 game [TS]

  theory I guess one of you one of you [TS]

  cuts and the other chooses and the other [TS]

  chooses and that ensures that one person [TS]

  is going to make the most even cut [TS]

  possible right and i think that is an [TS]

  interesting principle in in many things [TS]

  that place that another example place [TS]

  that I used to work we had we did [TS]

  environmental consulting but one thing [TS]

  that gave us credibility was that we did [TS]

  environmental assessment but not [TS]

  environmental remediation really why [TS]

  would you go out and hire the same [TS]

  person to tell you what your problem is [TS]

  and then how much it would cost for them [TS]

  to fix it [TS]

  oh you just described the entire Chinese [TS]

  economy and your father in the mechanic [TS]

  well yeah I mean that's that is [TS]

  analogous to certain elegance to it [TS]

  half of the graft in America but this is [TS]

  again this is a problem with public [TS]

  schools now and I've had several a [TS]

  handful of friends with kids in schools [TS]

  and it's it's just very getting a class [TS]

  with 50 kids wear your kid cannot take [TS]

  up more than two percent of the time [TS]

  that would be if you're if you've got a [TS]

  kid who for whatever reason takes up [TS]

  four percent or eight percent of the [TS]

  time you pull them aside you bring the [TS]

  parent in and you say this is your [TS]

  problem [TS]

  this is not our problem our problem is [TS]

  we have no money and a class full of 50 [TS]

  kids right so you need to figure out how [TS]

  this kid goes back to two percent or [TS]

  less i wish they had used that metric [TS]

  when I was a kid because I wanted to be [TS]

  taking a 0% of the teachers time just [TS]

  being left alone to sit at my desk and [TS]

  draw army men room or look at lookin at [TS]

  lookin encyclopedia look at the [TS]

  encyclopedia or stare at a spot on the [TS]

  wall kind of inciting gauge me I you [TS]

  keep calling on me I like just be if I [TS]

  could just go to that shelf with the [TS]

  with the world books and just sit there [TS]

  I would've done it all day long yeah I [TS]

  will listen I'll listen in on your class [TS]

  on your silly ass class who I'll be over [TS]

  here with these books and if I if [TS]

  there's a get there if you are [TS]

  addressing something I don't already [TS]

  know I look it up in these books how's [TS]

  that sound [TS]

  here's the thing if for example I can't [TS]

  find H through I because someone has not [TS]

  put it back in the proper place [TS]

  i will raise my hand and ask where the [TS]

  location of h3o is and apart from that [TS]

  we don't really need to talk here [TS]

  yeah exactly but you know this has [TS]

  become a cliché but i think it's true [TS]

  at least in one instance i know of it's [TS]

  very true what they said look to get [TS]

  your kid back to the end percent that he [TS]

  or she needs to be you need to take care [TS]

  of this so essentially they're saying so [TS]

  that's why they're dopin kids at home [TS]

  well i mean i think that is look at this [TS]

  way a lot of lot of households if you've [TS]

  got two parents in the household which [TS]

  is increasingly not so common you know [TS]

  like everybody's working everybody's [TS]

  busy everybody there's not that much you [TS]

  can do not that flexibility much [TS]

  flexibility for anybody and so I mean I [TS]

  think that the response of the idea i [TS]

  cannot prove this yet because luckily [TS]

  it's not a public school yet but you [TS]

  know that apparently happens when you [TS]

  especially when you get to 5th 6th 7th [TS]

  8th grade they're going to say look [TS]

  here's your options focalin or adderall [TS]

  are there any questions well you know [TS]

  and that's why we need to you need to [TS]

  institute that third option which is [TS]

  building trail over like you give you [TS]

  give your kids some of this this like [TS]

  personality doling medic medication or [TS]

  get them out in the bright sunshine [TS]

  where Medicare where Mount see every day [TS]

  I see it every day with our kid that [TS]

  that the wearing out is good [TS]

  yeah uh I mean that the things that [TS]

  thing about this undiagnosable on [TS]

  seeable malady who epidemic that's [TS]

  happening i think in America like for me [TS]

  it comes home to roost because I suffer [TS]

  from depression who I'm I'm outing [TS]

  myself if it wasn't already abundantly [TS]

  clear and it is very hard for me to [TS]

  accept that for myself like it is very [TS]

  hard for me to acknowledge it as not [TS]

  being a personality flaw you know and [TS]

  also a weakness [TS]

  yeah so I look at you know I look at the [TS]

  course of of a typical day or a look at [TS]

  the arc of nine months of my life and I [TS]

  go [TS]

  the only thing that can account for the [TS]

  way that for the choices I've been [TS]

  making is that I'm suffering from [TS]

  depression i'm clearly suffering and [TS]

  everywhere I go every time I talk to a [TS]

  doctor and I say hear my problems doctor [TS]

  and I run down my problems they're like [TS]

  well you have severe depression I go [TS]

  yeah I know but come on help me out here [TS]

  with something [TS]

  yeah you gotta get something is there [TS]

  something physically difficult that I [TS]

  can do or something that I could resist [TS]

  doing for a few months that might [TS]

  improve its but yeah I pretty good at [TS]

  that [TS]

  this is the matter i mean anybody could [TS]

  tell that give me something to work with [TS]

  here and you know and I was like for a [TS]

  while there I was thinking [TS]

  listen I'm a drug addict but uh but I [TS]

  mean adderalls not a drug it's a it's [TS]

  like an attention focused sir and people [TS]

  were writing me i said this on the [TS]

  internet a couple of times people riding [TS]

  me like dat all the drug is totally [TS]

  drugged [TS]

  don't kid yourself i miss it i miss it [TS]

  if I don't take it [TS]

  yeah but I can feel the difference oh [TS]

  how I don't know how have you in how [TS]

  long you've been arrow like okay talk [TS]

  about time I don't even ok talking about [TS]

  that about being depressed him [TS]

  I mean you mentioned on twitter like [TS]

  last year well the thing about [TS]

  depression is that i think when i was a [TS]

  kid when I was a lot like early teens [TS]

  being diagnosed with depression i didn't [TS]

  feel like it had any stigma at all [TS]

  I felt like there it was it was a fairly [TS]

  glamorous diagnosis because depression [TS]

  was a it seemed exotic it seemed like a [TS]

  German disease it seems like something [TS]

  that if you had depression you would [TS]

  ultimately you would ultimately be [TS]

  wearing a black suit lounging on a [TS]

  Shay's and someone would be painting you [TS]

  and oils it's certainly an interesting [TS]

  thing to have you know like and [TS]

  particularly as a ten-year-old to be to [TS]

  have somebody say like well it seems [TS]

  like you have depression I was like [TS]

  that's a very adult sounding thing to [TS]

  have and it feels very like it feels a [TS]

  but it feels very Continental but I'll [TS]

  accept that so I never felt that [TS]

  depression was a was a thing [TS]

  it was only later when people started [TS]

  coming coming out as the [TS]

  pressed and being a and talking about [TS]

  the stigma that they felt it was only [TS]

  later that I it even occurred to me that [TS]

  there was stigma around it because [TS]

  depression seemed i guess to me like the [TS]

  only reasonable response to an insane [TS]

  world why would you feel a stigma right [TS]

  but but uh and so so my whatever [TS]

  reticence I had to talk about it was [TS]

  entirely a reticence based on I did I [TS]

  just don't like to reveal things about [TS]

  myself to strangers right you know like [TS]

  a I said I don't mention my daughter's [TS]

  name or whatever the same thing like I [TS]

  don't talk about my problems because [TS]

  because ultimately if you say something [TS]

  on the internet you get a bunch of [TS]

  Concerned a well-liked dm's from your [TS]

  friends going is everything ok are you [TS]

  ok [TS]

  it's like yeah I mentioned depressed i [TS]

  mentioned the depression that I have [TS]

  that I've had for 17 years [TS]

  it's not like it's not like I'm peaking [TS]

  I'm not standing on a bridge who um but [TS]

  but as time goes on i guess i guess what [TS]

  i'm talking about more is that I can I I [TS]

  always thought as you got older that [TS]

  that depression was a thing that you had [TS]

  when you were in your teens or early [TS]

  twenties and when you were very wit your [TS]

  peak dramatic years when you're feeling [TS]

  very dramatic and it continued into my [TS]

  thirties because every aspect of my [TS]

  youth continued into my thirties I was [TS]

  still a teenager at 37 years old but now [TS]

  that I'm in my forties and it is not [TS]

  waning if anything it is waxing it [TS]

  started to be a thing like okay you know [TS]

  what I'm going to just start talking [TS]

  about this more because um because it's [TS]

  act it's actually a feature on my [TS]

  landscape it's a thing that every [TS]

  morning I wake up and and even if there [TS]

  are no owls in my room there is always [TS]

  this like this bugbear and I go uh you [TS]

  again and you know a lot of the stuff [TS]

  that you and I talked about orbits [TS]

  around this this issue that you know [TS]

  that feeling of dissatisfaction in the [TS]

  feeling of everything that you've [TS]

  accomplished adds up to [TS]

  yes uh huh you know that there's no [TS]

  there's no reasonable way I could think [TS]

  that and that's what that that's because [TS]

  depression is unreasonable it's [TS]

  completely unreasonable and and the [TS]

  thing that has caused me to [TS]

  misunderstand it and and really really [TS]

  eat the booger on how I dealt with [TS]

  somebody important in my life had [TS]

  depression and i know it was that I was [TS]

  of the ok that's long enough it's time [TS]

  to buck up school right and and you know [TS]

  I think you tell me if this is correct [TS]

  in your experience but my understanding [TS]

  is that the most insidious thing about [TS]

  depression is not the true that a sad [TS]

  it's not that you really really sad [TS]

  it's not even that you sometimes think [TS]

  about harming yourself like that's [TS]

  actually stuff that a lot of people feel [TS]

  like a fair amount of the time it's just [TS]

  that no matter no matter what day it is [TS]

  it it feels completely impossible to [TS]

  imagine a world where it could be better [TS]

  line up for a lot of people them the [TS]

  worst part of it and the part that I [TS]

  think this set sounds like that's i'm [TS]

  already saying that but I think that [TS]

  doesn't really sink in for people who [TS]

  don't have depression is it is fairly [TS]

  constant it does come sometimes get a [TS]

  lot worse and the last thing in the [TS]

  world you could ever imagine is having a [TS]

  get better [TS]

  it does yeah it doesn't a bait but it [TS]

  also attaches itself to your normal [TS]

  sense of reason right it is it doesn't [TS]

  it doesn't fly how you see and decide [TS]

  yeah it's not it's not like it's not [TS]

  like some kind of crazy like [TS]

  republicanism we're all of a sudden you [TS]

  think you're the president is a Muslim [TS]

  and you know it's not like it's not like [TS]

  madness it is already went to college in [TS]

  a Burger King if it is a thing it is a [TS]

  thing where you look at it you make [TS]

  normal assessments [TS]

  in a way that seems absolutely rational [TS]

  but your conclusion is that you really [TS]

  fucked it up [TS]

  you really are you are you are you are a [TS]

  real turd in this situation you know [TS]

  when I I'll help start making a pot of [TS]

  macaroni and cheese and there will be [TS]

  three or four opportunities in the [TS]

  course of waiting for the water to boil [TS]

  and adding the powdered cheese packet [TS]

  and eating the macaroni and cheese where [TS]

  I feel like this macaroni and cheese is [TS]

  a is a metaphor for how I'm not thriving [TS]

  and so the macaroni and cheese tastes [TS]

  like a picture turns to ashes [TS]

  you know like it it robs you of the the [TS]

  potential to enjoy even the simple [TS]

  things because you are finding your [TS]

  finding like all the all the evidence [TS]

  you need in the simple things that you [TS]

  do for why you are a flop [TS]

  it's the things around you that stepped [TS]

  on an intellectual level you may not [TS]

  think have anything to do with that [TS]

  start to become emblematic of like what [TS]

  that person is or failure or everything [TS]

  becomes evidence evidence residence of [TS]

  the second fair sight [TS]

  yeah and you're and you're Europe you're [TS]

  using your ear capacity to you know that [TS]

  the it is a capacity that I prize in [TS]

  myself to look at the evidence to walk [TS]

  out the door and look at the evidence [TS]

  and and make decisions you know like [TS]

  based on what I see and what I know you [TS]

  know and that's it that is this prized [TS]

  faculty that i use everywhere I go like [TS]

  haha i see how this is gonna go this guy [TS]

  over here is about to throw his [TS]

  milkshake in haha he did I saw it but [TS]

  you but when you turn that faculty on [TS]

  yourself and all the evidence points to [TS]

  that you are [TS]

  a drag [TS]

  that's when you know that that that [TS]

  faculty is is normally the thing I lean [TS]

  on so when it returns this evidence to [TS]

  me that i am you know that that that [TS]

  everything I've ever made that belongs [TS]

  on the dustbin it's very hard for me to [TS]

  go well in that instance you're the in [TS]

  that instance your your your faculty for [TS]

  seeing is is flawed or broken because I [TS]

  use it all the time I trust my faculty [TS]

  for seeing so and and that is so super [TS]

  complicated because I'm just I'm [TS]

  processing what you're saying yeah here [TS]

  but at some mean you you're a very [TS]

  rational guy in a lot of ways you're [TS]

  certainly monkey balls in many ways but [TS]

  now you're a guy who really thrives on [TS]

  saying now like what is the thing that's [TS]

  really hear what is the essential nature [TS]

  of this conversation that we're having [TS]

  what is the essential nature of this [TS]

  deal that you're trying to offer me and [TS]

  keep changing the topic about it seems [TS]

  to me that like you have the scars to [TS]

  show for being somebody who was [TS]

  surrounded by things that dulled the [TS]

  influence of the outside world to where [TS]

  you now seriously seemed to really [TS]

  thrive on having a more direct [TS]

  experience of what the fuck is really [TS]

  happening and that you if there's [TS]

  anything you trust about yourself [TS]

  it is your ability to know that you're [TS]

  always being as honest as a human can be [TS]

  about what the fuck is really happening [TS]

  here [TS]

  yeah and and when you turn around the [TS]

  past that's become something and you [TS]

  certainly have every reason to be proud [TS]

  of that because you went through a lot [TS]

  of shit to get to where that's your mo [TS]

  and it's so close [TS]

  well the and the problem so the problem [TS]

  is that when somebody says to me if you [TS]

  take this if you take this serotonin [TS]

  reuptake inhibitor who it's going to [TS]

  make you not feel that way anymore i go [TS]

  i I'm suspicious because it doesn't feel [TS]

  the depression doesn't feel alien that [TS]

  is the that is what is insidious about [TS]

  it it does not feel it certainly [TS]

  feels like a handicap but it doesn't [TS]

  feel like a stranger doesn't feel [TS]

  external no i'm not at all you sitting [TS]

  you know because what happens is i look [TS]

  around the room and I go well come on [TS]

  I mean look at that look at that look at [TS]

  that poster on the wall that [TS]

  commemorates that great show that you [TS]

  played like that should be a source of [TS]

  like uncomplicated pleasure for you you [TS]

  have a you have a beautiful poster that [TS]

  commemorates this wonderful show that [TS]

  you remember fondly [TS]

  how can you find a downside to that and [TS]

  then the voice doesn't even need [TS]

  prompting you know it says well you know [TS]

  only only someone with a low self-esteem [TS]

  would need a poster to remind him that [TS]

  he was that he had good things in his [TS]

  life right now doing it and how did you [TS]

  get this number [TS]

  well Thea only a person you know that [TS]

  and then look around the room like Oh [TS]

  everything in this room is just some [TS]

  kind of sham a reflective surface [TS]

  broadcasting your own life back to you [TS]

  in these discrete chunks to try and make [TS]

  yourself feel better about what a shit [TS]

  job you've done and you know there's [TS]

  nothing there is no small thing that [TS]

  cannot be robbed of all its joy by this [TS]

  friend who sits next to me in the [TS]

  cockpit and whispers in my ear and says [TS]

  oh yeah no I mean everything everything [TS]

  that you love is a thing that you love [TS]

  because you are a shame and you just you [TS]

  know and and talking about it to people [TS]

  get it you know i remember the the the [TS]

  friend that you referenced earlier you [TS]

  know a this person that was lovely and [TS]

  you loved and she struggled in the same [TS]

  way and you know i have seen that happen [TS]

  with people who struggle with depression [TS]

  is more severe than mine who are no [TS]

  longer on this earth [TS]

  who and you know I feel lucky that my [TS]

  that I never the idea of harming myself [TS]

  has never occurred to me because I feel [TS]

  like when it's time for me to go I'm [TS]

  gonna take as many motherfuckers out [TS]

  with me as I possibly can [TS]

  there's going to be I mean if there [TS]

  isn't a mushroom cloud at least to mark [TS]

  my passage from this world I really will [TS]

  have failed but but at the same time [TS]

  like this living in a kind of low-level [TS]

  gray is just no way to be it's just no [TS]

  way to be and unfortunately i can't get [TS]

  over the hump of thinking that a [TS]

  serotonin reuptake inhibitor or cross [TS]

  tops or exercise or more blow jobs or [TS]

  whatever it is that that that I get [TS]

  prescribed by people and I know talking [TS]

  about this i'm going to get a thousand [TS]

  tweets from people who are like all you [TS]

  need to do is blah blah and let me just [TS]

  I hate to break the fourth wall but [TS]

  please don't send me your cures [TS]

  thoughtful people for the love of Christ [TS]

  but you know as soon as you start [TS]

  talking about it there are people that [TS]

  want to help help cure you and that is [TS]

  the problem but the very principle of of [TS]

  of trying to seek a cure is like I have [TS]

  a million reasons why that what that is [TS]

  going to work in the truth this is very [TS]

  rarely as simple as about about about [TS]

  but about is what somebody reports [TS]

  because that eventually worked [TS]

  yeah man and and thank God and God bless [TS]

  them but I hi a lot of my friends who [TS]

  have gotten treatment for depression is [TS]

  a pretty fucking rough go and sometimes [TS]

  it got worse and then sometimes they [TS]

  couldn't get a boner and and sometimes [TS]

  it took two years i'm not trying to say [TS]

  don't look for help I'm also saying [TS]

  don't percent it's as simple as drink [TS]

  some green tea and walk in the woods [TS]

  you're saying that i'm looking into a [TS]

  into an oboe near future so i can [TS]

  remember that men when the boner will [TS]

  stare back at you from the abyss [TS]

  yeah well you know I I'm a minute I you [TS]

  know I I I don't have anything like [TS]

  depression as far as i know if i have [TS]

  anything it's my head your new problems [TS]

  I'd be more depressed well you know easy [TS]

  you gotta just be careful about the [TS]

  onions and I know how hard that would be [TS]

  for you so i think really we have no [TS]

  hand are you having a hundred Henry [TS]

  situation you can have my onions [TS]

  I'll take your my haircut i'll take your [TS]

  lack of occasional lack of mania ok you [TS]

  know but but I don't know there's just [TS]

  something that when I learned that that [TS]

  really resonated with me because i [TS]

  really got it I got it that's the [TS]

  capital D part of depression is that it [TS]

  doesn't feel like it's a veil that can [TS]

  be lifted and as you say it isn't a [TS]

  matter of flicking his bugbear off your [TS]

  shoulder or saying Satan I rebuke thee [TS]

  it's it's a good deal more complicated [TS]

  it's the renowned say to my Michael [TS]

  ritzy the but you know this is another [TS]

  way to put this and I'm not as you know [TS]

  I'm not a depression psychiatrist but [TS]

  but I you know if you saw somebody [TS]

  walking around with bronchitis you [TS]

  wouldn't just tell him to back up you [TS]

  would have to understand that to get rid [TS]

  of that bronchitis there's certain [TS]

  things to really get rid of bronchitis [TS]

  you gotta take some antibiotics and [TS]

  stuff [TS]

  well sir that matter if you saw somebody [TS]

  who is like missing a hand and he said [TS]

  we'll just try harder to get handy but [TS]

  here's but here's the trick is that you [TS]

  have you have mania i have depression a [TS]

  little mean you don't ya [TS]

  good i got other problems i don't have [TS]

  damaged hmm but these things are also [TS]

  talents [TS]

  yeah like Kierkegaard had mania and [TS]

  depression and his name rings out you [TS]

  know for 450 thousand years of human [TS]

  history mania and depression were things [TS]

  that were that were useful talents right [TS]

  now that made that made people become [TS]

  monks or philosophers or [TS]

  or scientists or or conquerors you know [TS]

  these are these are not just handicaps [TS]

  they are they're very complex sort of [TS]

  some rainbow of qualities and our [TS]

  fixation now and then you know in part [TS]

  of the part of why my depression is is [TS]

  that is so hobbling is that i live in a [TS]

  world where I have the resources and I [TS]

  have the inclination to further isolate [TS]

  myself from people and to live in an [TS]

  ivory tower and at any time prior in [TS]

  human history unless I was a very very [TS]

  rich person I wouldn't be able to do [TS]

  that and so I would have been out in the [TS]

  streets and my depression would have [TS]

  been mitigated somewhat by just having [TS]

  to go down to the cart to the onion cart [TS]

  and by an onion every day if I wanted an [TS]

  onion and your mania would be a likewise [TS]

  more assimilated into the culture and [TS]

  particularly given that the life [TS]

  expectancy of people was 37 years by [TS]

  this point we would already be dead and [TS]

  and our problems would you know would be [TS]

  a bit [TS]

  whatever whatever our personality was [TS]

  they would just remember us in our [TS]

  village and they'd be like yeah he was [TS]

  amazing [TS]

  you see that church spire he wants to [TS]

  climb to clean up and ranted about [TS]

  that's not real talkative guy read about [TS]

  the president was a Muslim for a couple [TS]

  of days before he got tired and fell [TS]

  into the onion cart so so that that's [TS]

  the that's the flip side is is that it [TS]

  is in this family of modern diagnosis of [TS]

  mental pathology some of which I mean I [TS]

  don't see what the upside to chronic [TS]

  fatigue syndrome is except that except [TS]

  that it used to be called a what clergy [TS]

  or I mean it was a alright it was a [TS]

  thing that that very aristocratic women [TS]

  fell victim to wear all [TS]

  where they had to lay on a on a Sunday [TS]

  fans on their fainting couch there [TS]

  fainting couch with their with their you [TS]

  know their ether soaked opera glasses [TS]

  yeah they're either soap opera glasses [TS]

  that exactly [TS]

  and finally I can see clearly so looking [TS]

  back through history like all of these [TS]

  if these modern diagnosis have analogs [TS]

  in the past a lot of them were either [TS]

  considered talents including bordering [TS]

  on like mystical talents or they were [TS]

  you know they were integrated into our [TS]

  culture as a like out she is she's too [TS]

  delicate for she's too delicate for [TS]

  modern life and we need to bring her [TS]

  like lukewarm tea and now we are you [TS]

  know we're shooting her shooting the [TS]

  same person full of hormones or I don't [TS]

  know or and Federman's most of the time [TS]

  who so so I'm really you know I it all [TS]

  falls into this family of [TS]

  psychopharmacology that that very much [TS]

  like the internet I feel like still is [TS]

  in the bicycle engine stage of of [TS]

  aviation where the wings are made of of [TS]

  a tissue paper and somebody has a [TS]

  one-and-a-half horsepower single single [TS]

  piston engine and they're flying we [TS]

  could fly right can affect the brain now [TS]

  let's do it so it's all still like it's [TS]

  amazing how much stuff in medicine in [TS]

  general and in psychopharmacology in [TS]

  particular is is still just just a [TS]

  little bit northeast of medieval um I [TS]

  mean how in some ways like pain medicine [TS]

  is so simple the way the pain medicine [TS]

  works is is just ridiculously simple [TS]

  it's not doing something super [TS]

  sophisticated blocking the receptors but [TS]

  it doesn't go to the to the broken hand [TS]

  it goes to the brain right and like with [TS]

  my shrink you know and you know i always [TS]

  i hate to misquote because it's very [TS]

  exacting man but he can sit there and [TS]

  show me like oh these two hands [TS]

  represented the two sides of this you [TS]

  know and these drugs work together does [TS]

  this and that and it's all completely [TS]

  coaching but with the part that [TS]

  really understand is that if my brain is [TS]

  not making enough of this juice that [TS]

  lets me be happy in life I get [TS]

  distracted right but some people use [TS]

  some people get so much of that Jews [TS]

  yeah too much juice [TS]

  yeah i just described everybody i went [TS]

  to high school with so much is too much [TS]

  of the one kind of jitter juice not [TS]

  enough of the other kind of tooth on one [TS]

  end it all presupposes that there is a [TS]

  that there is a correct degree of [TS]

  humaneness you know that there is a that [TS]

  there is an ideal amount an ideal [TS]

  balance to to any mind that translates [TS]

  across all mines so what we are seeking [TS]

  is this this balance this broken this is [TS]

  healing of brokenness where I mean I [TS]

  honestly cannot in some ways separate my [TS]

  depression from my personality and two [TS]

  and this is the this is the problem with [TS]

  schizophrenics whoo-hoo take medicine [TS]

  and they're like that i don't feel fun [TS]

  anymore [TS]

  I mean admittedly i was living under the [TS]

  embarcadero but god I was seeing some [TS]

  colors right and I don't want to take [TS]

  this medicine because it makes me feel [TS]

  dull and you know and they they give up [TS]

  their job and apartment and wife and [TS]

  they go back to living under the bridge [TS]

  because because there they feel like [TS]

  they're like their mind isn't theirs and [TS]

  and for me like I'm not sure what amount [TS]

  of healing i'm seeking and guess because [TS]

  I mean you know what have you ever [TS]

  wanted to be clinical normal in the [TS]

  first place [TS]

  uh well I mean that in the regard never [TS]

  seen it was an option right is it is one [TS]

  of the many articles I didn't finish [TS]

  reading this week was about the [TS]

  diagnosis of autism in different [TS]

  societies and how it's it's such a [TS]

  tricky thing because there are and again [TS]

  I haven't finished this article yet but [TS]

  but it did grab me because part of the [TS]

  notion is that it you know a lot of what [TS]

  we consider autism today you know these [TS]

  tests like do you make eye contact with [TS]

  people can you follow this conversation [TS]

  and you know there are a lot of cultures [TS]

  where we'll be there [TS]

  disrespectful for somebody feel like a [TS]

  kid to look at elder in the eye while [TS]

  they're talking to them you might look [TS]

  at their face but you wouldn't look them [TS]

  in the eye [TS]

  interesting there's you know I mean this [TS]

  Anu could do that any variety of decades [TS]

  it is that's probably this is a long [TS]

  walk off a short pier but you know it's [TS]

  that I mean I think the thing that's how [TS]

  this doesn't sound too homespun but i [TS]

  think it's just natural to want to not [TS]

  feel like you're on the edge you know [TS]

  it's it isn't isn't even to say that you [TS]

  know anybody necessarily crazy like oh I [TS]

  want to be like other people or I want [TS]

  you just want to not feel like fucked up [TS]

  it's just not fun to wake up every day [TS]

  and feel off balance before you even get [TS]

  out of bed [TS]

  it's really depressing yeah it is [TS]

  depressing although that was exactly the [TS]

  feeling i stalked from the ages of 16 to [TS]

  30 like I wanted to feel on the edge all [TS]

  the time that was how life felt [TS]

  meaningful and real to me [TS]

  uh-huh um and I look at other I look at [TS]

  young people [TS]

  cool arm who are engaging life in a very [TS]

  different way than i did want you know [TS]

  when I was that age I oh I did this [TS]

  video shoot down in in la month or two [TS]

  ago and one of the camera operators on [TS]

  the shoot was like 21 and very competent [TS]

  camera operator and I got chatting with [TS]

  him and said you know how did you get [TS]

  here and he's like well you know when i [TS]

  graduated from high school I really [TS]

  wanted to make movies so they were [TS]

  filming an episode of portlandia in my [TS]

  town I was 16 and I just went over and [TS]

  hung around until they gave me a job to [TS]

  do [TS]

  running to get coffee and then pretty [TS]

  soon I was assisting the cameraperson [TS]

  and then i was when i was running one of [TS]

  the cameras and you know now I live in [TS]

  Hollywood and i'm 21 and I haven't [TS]

  unbelievable i get that person it's [TS]

  unbelievable but of course there are so [TS]

  many examples of people that at 16 17 [TS]

  years old they're like I want to be a [TS]

  rock star i want to be in hollywood or I [TS]

  want to be a writer i wanted i want to [TS]

  be in politics or or whatever and they [TS]

  had no doubt about that choice they just [TS]

  went and did it and and then at a young [TS]

  age they're very accomplished and [TS]

  they're on a path then they don't seem [TS]

  and they don't they're not sitting there [TS]

  saying but what if i should have been [TS]

  what if i should have gone to medical [TS]

  school what if i should have been an [TS]

  astronaut you know they're like I'm [TS]

  doing what I love to do and this is what [TS]

  i wanted to do in here I go off i go at [TS]

  and I i can't help but contrast myself [TS]

  against them when I was that age 21 [TS]

  years old I was you know sitting [TS]

  somewhere it on a barstool imagining [TS]

  that I could and should be doing [TS]

  everything and didn't know where to [TS]

  begin doing everything wasn't exactly [TS]

  sure like how you got a degree in doing [TS]

  everything and was I mean not just not [TS]

  just was inconceivable that I would go [TS]

  down to a film shoot and stand around [TS]

  saying hey can I can I lend a hand until [TS]

  until somebody was like yeah hey kid [TS]

  come over here and hold this you know [TS]

  not only was it inconceivable that that [TS]

  would happen but but to my mind at the [TS]

  time like what a waste [TS]

  they're just running coffee for some guy [TS]

  like and a half second of proposed you [TS]

  might go wait a minute i'm supposed to [TS]

  be a senator and I run night in the [TS]

  senator line right so those you know [TS]

  those people are are certainly a model [TS]

  but if i compare myself to somebody like [TS]

  that [TS]

  I cannot I cannot win you know I cannot [TS]

  think like that is normal and i am and i [TS]

  need to fix what's broken about me to [TS]

  get closer to that because I'm because I [TS]

  don't resemble it in the least bit and I [TS]

  admire those kids i love to sit in and [TS]

  talk to them in conversation but i [TS]

  cannot buy it but comparing my own [TS]

  attributes to theirs would be like [TS]

  comparing my looks to there's there's [TS]

  just nothing I can do to be to be that [TS]

  successful really to be that [TS]

  single-minded and and to be that sort of [TS]

  up on a course and happy with the [TS]

  results [TS]

  I don't know I i don't know why i do not [TS]

  know it if you assume that there's a a [TS]

  bell curve of humanity and we are we are [TS]

  apportioned different traits because [TS]

  there is a clockmaker who has put this [TS]

  universe into motion in order to [TS]

  accomplish some inscrutable goal I [TS]

  cannot imagine why you would load up a [TS]

  human person with my attributes and set [TS]

  them loose on this world i do not know [TS]

  what I am contributing or why you would [TS]

  what why you would even put so many sort [TS]

  of self-contradictory qualities in one [TS]

  organism and basically set it loose upon [TS]

  itself like here you go here you go [TS]

  animal go get them at the animal [TS]

  immediately starts punching itself and [TS]

  saying you don't even know how to punch [TS]

  come out a punch-up like why would you [TS]

  do that to a thing right but there you [TS]

  have it [TS]

  it's what it's one of B it's one of the [TS]

  things i would point to to say perhaps [TS]

  intelligent design is not actually help [TS]

  of the universe is working the kind of [TS]

  design but I mean to have to have that [TS]

  constantly even when it's not that [TS]

  traumatic for a fact did the the [TS]

  constant leveling of that message in [TS]

  your head can't help but become a [TS]

  distraction from taking a step in any [TS]

  direction you yeah self-doubt must must [TS]

  you know something i must always be [TS]

  looming and it raises the question take [TS]

  a step in any direction for why [TS]

  yeah you know and that's the that's the [TS]

  that's that's the insidious part i [TS]

  admire people who build houses for poor [TS]

  people you know like Habitat for [TS]

  Humanity I admire doctors without [TS]

  borders but i do not feel the pull to [TS]

  help people in that way and there's [TS]

  another thing that's like you think [TS]

  about what you're saying like with the [TS]

  kid doing that in that gig in something [TS]

  i mentioned last week about if you want [TS]

  to i do the right thing rather trying to [TS]

  tell them do the right thing work demand [TS]

  and it's useful to create the conditions [TS]

  for the right thing happening and that [TS]

  is something if you said that to me if [TS]

  I'd said that to me [TS]

  30 years ago I don't think i would have [TS]

  I would I would have understood you know [TS]

  grammatically like what it meant but I [TS]

  wouldn't really gotten what that meant [TS]

  and that's the difference between that [TS]

  kid who's not 21 and doing that for a [TS]

  living vs all any range of people who [TS]

  are going [TS]

  how [TS]

  doc I end up there yeah and and at the [TS]

  risk of sounding really subtle I think [TS]

  this is actually super duper important [TS]

  because I mean we all know and this does [TS]

  shading some stuff I said in the past [TS]

  about acting like you're an artist and [TS]

  buying a beret and you know doing all [TS]

  the [TS]

  the [TS]

  affectations that you seeing other [TS]

  people do to essentially traced the [TS]

  shadows of someone else and imagine that [TS]

  that's even close to that what that [TS]

  human being is who they are but that's [TS]

  what's that's a start and now that i'm [TS]

  at the age that I am and know what I [TS]

  know that's what blows me away about [TS]

  that guy is anybody could go hey I want [TS]

  to make I won't have videos be on MTV [TS]

  right back in my day or like I i have [TS]

  this gut sense that i would be a great [TS]

  prog rock drummer and haha on the most [TS]

  fundamental level you go with you ever [TS]

  played drums and you're like no no but i [TS]

  know i'd be really good at it and it's [TS]

  like well the first test would be to go [TS]

  out and see whether you like playing [TS]

  drums [TS]

  do you have access to drums is that what [TS]

  you would want to do and you certainly [TS]

  can see where I'm going with this but if [TS]

  we're going a little bit okay well what [TS]

  if actually you don't really like [TS]

  playing drums [TS]

  what if you try playing drums for a [TS]

  while and you realize you don't like [TS]

  being in a band [TS]

  what if you don't like being around [TS]

  people in the music industry but these [TS]

  are all the kinds of things that will [TS]

  never occur to you if you don't try to [TS]

  play drums yeah and get it but there's [TS]

  another kind of the if there's anything [TS]

  that i am I in my head I wish I could [TS]

  change about myself from the past that [TS]

  it's not notice it's too late now [TS]

  because it is still useful to me is that [TS]

  idea of like rather than trying to see a [TS]

  result of something and emulate that I [TS]

  really admire the people who instantly [TS]

  understand a process over the product [TS]

  and in the case of that guy [TS]

  there's something about in that case [TS]

  maybe just got lucky but he understood [TS]

  there was a big difference between [TS]

  arguing with his friends starbucks about [TS]

  who'd be a better director versus just [TS]

  showing up [TS]

  yeah it's starting to do something now [TS]

  maybe you get lucky maybe some other [TS]

  things he tried it didn't work out but [TS]

  that's that's like another that's like [TS]

  being able to fly as far as I'm [TS]

  concerned to be 21 years old or even [TS]

  that is 19 years old and show up [TS]

  somewhere and not seem like a total [TS]

  thing is you can be able to figure out [TS]

  what this job needs well on this and I [TS]

  think you can I got myself to it a big [TS]

  part of it is he was able to show up at [TS]

  that at that video shoot at age 16 17 [TS]

  and not seem like a total dingus who and [TS]

  that is the thing perhaps that is a [TS]

  talent perhaps I lacked whereas i would [TS]

  go in wearing choppers carrying a [TS]

  folding chair without riding crop me [TS]

  shave my head and happy [TS]

  one of the girls on the back door where [TS]

  do i set this chair because I got to say [TS]

  all along the way to change the topic [TS]

  but like all along the way the things [TS]

  I've tried to nominally succeed at that [TS]

  I didn't even fucking understand you [TS]

  know to begin with [TS]

  I've always been put off by how this [TS]

  wasn't how I thought it was going to be [TS]

  so yeah I was honestly it was organized [TS]

  music things because I was never a good [TS]

  team player [TS]

  it helps to be a good team player before [TS]

  you do anything on a team or it helps to [TS]

  be open to the fact that you'll have to [TS]

  be part of that team for example so you [TS]

  know I I be on the team [TS]

  yeah yeah and excited to set aside [TS]

  whatever your notion of how this should [TS]

  go is if you're not constantly raising [TS]

  your hand sanctioned we be seeing Roger [TS]

  welcome now you know where the whatever [TS]

  your idea is from things you've seen in [TS]

  movies and play over in your head again [TS]

  and again when i look at the the kids [TS]

  that I started out with in high school [TS]

  and college the vast majority of them [TS]

  knew what they wanted to I think we [TS]

  would have said knew what they wanted to [TS]

  be rather than knew what they wanted to [TS]

  do you know they knew what they wanted [TS]

  to be at 15 years old a whole big group [TS]

  of my friends in high school decided [TS]

  they were going to medical school and I [TS]

  think it's largely because there was one [TS]

  good biology teacher at East High School [TS]

  in Anchorage that I did not have I did [TS]

  not take his class but he was an [TS]

  inspiring teacher such that a freshman [TS]

  year in high school [TS]

  I'm sure there were a couple of these [TS]

  people who are like I think I want to be [TS]

  a doctor but by junior year a whole lot [TS]

  of kids had decided to go to medical [TS]

  school and when I think about those kids [TS]

  now they are my age you know a lot of [TS]

  them now 45 years old and they are [TS]

  doctors have been doctored basically [TS]

  since they were 15 years old you know [TS]

  they've been on that path i remember i [TS]

  was living in a fraternity house at [TS]

  Cornell for a summer and one of the guys [TS]

  who was living in the fraternity with me [TS]

  over the summer was I [TS]

  he was going to join the Navy to be a [TS]

  fighter pilot and at the time i guess i [TS]

  was 20 21 something like that he was [TS]

  that age and he was graduating that [TS]

  summer from cornell and on his way to [TS]

  flight training school for the Navy had [TS]

  and he enlisted in the navy already well [TS]

  when I think about that guy which I do [TS]

  periodically if he succeeded in getting [TS]

  his wings he was a fighter pilot in the [TS]

  Navy for 20 he's now entering his 23rd [TS]

  year as a Navy pilot and he he knew to [TS]

  make that decision or he made that [TS]

  decision and stuck with it I'm you know [TS]

  I i extrapolate but i assume that this [TS]

  guy is now a full captain in the Navy [TS]

  and retired from flying jets and either [TS]

  retired from the navy or is like running [TS]

  a battle group somewhere [TS]

  and I contrast those life choices those [TS]

  life marks against my own which has [TS]

  mostly consisted of filling up paper [TS]

  bags with stuff from thrift stores and [TS]

  then arranging it is also unglamorous [TS]

  are ending in piles thunderclaps [TS]

  periodically you know losing the thread [TS]

  of what which pile of which pile of hats [TS]

  belongs at what bag and then it's 25 [TS]

  years later and you don't like cold and [TS]

  i'm thinking more like gold what and i [TS]

  go i do have an awful lot of cool hats [TS]

  you know that is something nobody can [TS]

  take away from me but i'm not even going [TS]

  to try to buck you up because i know [TS]

  there's no point to it but so many [TS]

  people would love to be you [TS]

  isn't that sad we have no doubt that I [TS]

  am [TS]

  yeah real 1i yeah when I take off all [TS]

  the all the course it's just I don't I i [TS]

  just looked like buka salt [TS]

  I want my own little bit now [TS]

  oh my god oh yeah I i do not like [TS]

  comparing myself to other people [TS]

  it's terrible it's terrible and I just [TS]

  don't find it useful I mean I still get [TS]

  they still kind of do it maybe I'm just [TS]

  scared to do it but it's just so you [TS]

  feel so unproductive to me and does it [TS]

  doesn't is not even makes me feel bad or [TS]

  good it just you know it's just it's I i [TS]

  don't know i don't know what i would do [TS]

  based on that particular like [TS]

  identifying the Delta between these two [TS]

  things will help me to what better would [TS]

  you what differently now I know where we [TS]

  have slightly different minds about [TS]

  these things probably but like for me I [TS]

  just like why would I dalene only put it [TS]

  this way when i watch other people doing [TS]

  that like all the time i just it just [TS]

  makes me like almost seed wondering what [TS]

  are you doing like tell me how this [TS]

  turns out great [TS]

  how would you spend less time comparing [TS]

  yourself to other people unlike more [TS]

  time just doing it [TS]

  yeah it's very unattractive it there's [TS]

  nothing about you I don't feel like you [TS]

  really do that you really do that i [TS]

  don't i don't get it isn't it is more it [TS]

  is more on an emblem of the darkness [TS]

  that settles on me who um you know when [TS]

  i first read the book no country for old [TS]

  men i was in some ways furious because i [TS]

  have been daydreaming about stumbling on [TS]

  a drug deal gone wrong and and sifted [TS]

  you know like walking through what has [TS]

  clearly been a a a showdown shootout and [TS]

  finding like a truck full of drugs and [TS]

  money that was at the center of this [TS]

  pitched battle and then like kick [TS]

  pushing the body that is in the driver's [TS]

  seat off into the dirt in your mind [TS]

  you've already done this a hundred times [TS]

  I had I had I had done it a hundred [TS]

  times before i read this book and was [TS]

  like someone stole my plot but but i [TS]

  have apply your plot for easy money [TS]

  falling in love with soul my easy-money [TS]

  plot like i'm kinda I'm not a guy that's [TS]

  gonna do direct marketing but I am [TS]

  definitely a guy that if he sees brake [TS]

  lights up up a dark road [TS]

  uh-huh and hears gunshots he is headed [TS]

  that way i'm headed that way through the [TS]

  woods notnot away because this is a [TS]

  scenario that has always do you know it [TS]

  starts you know you know that the signal [TS]

  that something we just went down [TS]

  yeah somebody tried to somebody tried to [TS]

  like sneak around the back and and get [TS]

  the drop on them but they actually had [TS]

  the money there was like a they had the [TS]

  money it wasn't going to be a ripoff but [TS]

  then uh overzealous you know young [TS]

  lieutenant decided he was going to [TS]

  circle around behind and then somebody [TS]

  you know shoots him and then he shoots [TS]

  back and then all by schutz everybody [TS]

  and then everybody's dead and here's the [TS]

  and the cars are all still idling is it [TS]

  probably in a gym bag the money full of [TS]

  money and drugs well you know depending [TS]

  on how what how far I want to go with [TS]

  this fantasy it's a suburban full of gym [TS]

  bags full of [TS]

  because they're buying their buying the [TS]

  like a metric ton of squeak and history [TS]

  is week is like a slight minting [TS]

  Krugerrands huh [TS]

  but anyway it caused me after no country [TS]

  for old men came out it caused me to [TS]

  turn that light back on myself and [TS]

  reflect on why i have spent so many [TS]

  hours of my life playing out this [TS]

  scenario and what that what that easy [TS]

  money [TS]

  I mean I think everybody maybe not [TS]

  everybody but i think that carrying [TS]

  around an easy money fantasy is is a big [TS]

  part of of being a human being or being [TS]

  an American and having it happen or [TS]

  being finally able to do a specific [TS]

  thing [TS]

  well that I could finally buy a carousel [TS]

  yeah i can find out like I'm going to be [TS]

  relieved of all of my money tension and [TS]

  Happiness will will a light on my [TS]

  shoulder like a bluebird of happiness [TS]

  who and as I've as I've played out this [TS]

  the scenario like okay now you've got [TS]

  now you have us this untraceable duffel [TS]

  bag full of the pace owns your [TS]

  opportunity and what are you gonna do [TS]

  and the reality is everything that I [TS]

  would choose to do in that moment that [TS]

  would be that I have that having run the [TS]

  scenario would be something I would [TS]

  actually choose to do is something i [TS]

  could just choose to do right now you [TS]

  know if I had if I had 10 million [TS]

  dollars what i do i moved to new york [TS]

  will just go move to New York if you [TS]

  want to do that [TS]

  oh well i moved to new york and i live [TS]

  in a really nice apartment well go move [TS]

  to New York and within a year or two [TS]

  you'll probably have a pretty nice [TS]

  apartment because that's how it goes [TS]

  like the the idea that there are still [TS]

  things in my life I'm waiting to pull [TS]

  the trigger on and the only reason i [TS]

  can't do it is that I have not found a [TS]

  duffel bag of of drug money at a crime [TS]

  scene is this like it's it's any an [TS]

  incredible three-way mirror on myself [TS]

  because all the other things that I you [TS]

  know all the more elaborate [TS]

  choices i would make like i'll move to [TS]

  England live in a castle [TS]

  well you would be lonely and cold if you [TS]

  did that because you don't have anything [TS]

  you know like you're the friends that I [TS]

  have an England would come visit my [TS]

  castle a couple of times you know that I [TS]

  i'm not going to move to some little bit [TS]

  like a friend of yours down a bunch of [TS]

  money and moved into a castle when you [TS]

  be like a quite an asshole [TS]

  yeah i would use a castle asshole second [TS]

  that's your that's what you did you move [TS]

  into a castle that's not gonna let you [TS]

  run out and go oh my gosh let me go [TS]

  celebrate his good fortune in his new [TS]

  castle in which he lives alone right [TS]

  and nor would I move to Florida or [TS]

  Southern California good because i have [TS]

  been many times to Florida and Southern [TS]

  California and I don't even want to be [TS]

  there that long at just passing through [TS]

  this is that quotidian like middle-class [TS]

  bullshit dream of right retirement why [TS]

  not it doesn't have to be with me know [TS]

  if you mind your whole life and you can [TS]

  barely breathe [TS]

  god I hope you get to retire soon but [TS]

  it's just this whole idea of this that [TS]

  the big the big journey being to get to [TS]

  this place for you don't have to do [TS]

  anything [TS]

  yeah that's so depressing and what I [TS]

  really want to do in life is write a [TS]

  book i want to have an article that I [TS]

  right be in The New Yorker I want to be [TS]

  consulted for your expertise as a [TS]

  retired uh that's right i want to be on [TS]

  the board of directors and several [TS]

  fortune 500 companies so much more that [TS]

  is so much more in your grasp then you [TS]

  realize what everyone else on the board [TS]

  Quivers and terror as soon as I clear my [TS]

  throat and sit forward in my chair like [TS]

  all these other guys are like oh shit oh [TS]

  shit don't let it be me this time don't [TS]

  let it be me like I want these things [TS]

  and these are not things that that any [TS]

  pile of bags of money are going to are [TS]

  going to get for me and if I had if I [TS]

  found all this drug money [TS]

  I i would still be dissatisfied I would [TS]

  still want to write a book i would still [TS]

  want to be published in The New Yorker [TS]

  and so that [TS]

  and yet this fantasy is is still a great [TS]

  comfort to me you know when i'm sitting [TS]

  staring at a spot on the wall [TS]

  I no longer am commanding a space battle [TS]

  group like I did for so many years in my [TS]

  childhood because i've i've decided that [TS]

  that is an unrealistic goal [TS]

  hmm to be to be a Admiral even with [TS]

  their the pace of technology is now [TS]

  increasing the lack of pace of lack of [TS]

  technology what we should be we're not [TS]

  where we should be and stuff let's be [TS]

  honest if right now I was watching sea [TS]

  beans glitter off the shoulder of Orion [TS]

  ravu and was but the odds space battle [TS]

  ships on fire outside the 10 Hauser [TS]

  game-high he dies right at three says [TS]

  that i would i would have a little bit [TS]

  more hope for that possibility but what [TS]

  it seems like right now is that if I [TS]

  really pursued that I would just be one [TS]

  of those kids playing playing a [TS]

  multiplayer video games computer and [TS]

  convincing myself that I was especially [TS]

  got better than your operating at a [TS]

  higher level so but but now you know [TS]

  what I'm what I'm laying in repose and [TS]

  staring at a spot on the wall [TS]

  I confess more often than not i'm [TS]

  playing out some scenario great truck [TS]

  full of money goes off a cliff and i'm [TS]

  the only one to see it happen and that [TS]

  is embarrassing even personally [TS]

  embarrassing not even about me I never [TS]

  admitted it to anybody until now but i [TS]

  was already embarrassed by it i was [TS]

  pretty embarrassed just because the 13 [TS]

  that looks at the other thing it's like [TS]

  it seriously it's pretty mundane it's [TS]

  like having your ultimate sexual fantasy [TS]

  be to kiss boobs [TS]

  it is exactly back like no no I want to [TS]

  know like what is the most outlandish [TS]

  thing even hundred like kissing purpose [TS]

  just boobs because I think I've got a [TS]

  lot a million dollars in a bag is [TS]

  actually learn that small potatoes you [TS]

  had not because I'm not grasp right a [TS]

  million dollars in a bag if I was like [TS]

  if I if I said on the podcast today you [TS]

  know what I want a million dollars in a [TS]

  bag [TS]

  yeah how long do you think it would take [TS]

  me to get a million dollars in a bag [TS]

  like if you tried or people just like I [TS]

  was like single-mindedly I'm going to do [TS]

  whatever tasting months 18 months that's [TS]

  right that's about what i think and if [TS]

  you don't think that [TS]

  true you haven't really thought it out a [TS]

  lot of you it is money money is and it's [TS]

  not that it's easy to get money it's [TS]

  just a very few of us are prepared for [TS]

  what else comes along with getting money [TS]

  and what you give up to get money which [TS]

  sounds really cliché because you don't [TS]

  have the money but once you get the [TS]

  money you realize that it's not simply [TS]

  just a rich person problem it's that [TS]

  there are there are like everything is [TS]

  fucking complicated it's just what are [TS]

  you going to give up to do and i'm not [TS]

  even i'm not even doing the Kobayashi [TS]

  Maru here I'm not even saying that [TS]

  you've got to golike cheat to do it I'm [TS]

  not even saying you've got to go cause [TS]

  the truck to fall off [TS]

  I think ultimately I would probably have [TS]

  I would actually pull the Kaiser so say [TS]

  but yes I would you know I have seen the [TS]

  end of Tommy Hinds I this is one of the [TS]

  many many many reasons that I find I [TS]

  really really am trying to use this word [TS]

  less because it's not a good word [TS]

  I hate lotteries I hate lottery tickets [TS]

  i hate scratch-off ticket I certainly [TS]

  hit the lines they create the word that [TS]

  you don't want to use hate I trying to [TS]

  use the word hate yeah right Brad to [TS]

  despise is a cop out that I use a lot [TS]

  but I'm trying to avoid saying that for [TS]

  everything because i have I don't hate [TS]

  it i do you poop on it [TS]

  I poop on my poop on lottery tickets [TS]

  because for the for the obvious reasons [TS]

  that meaning any liberal would have is [TS]

  that its work for attacks on our bad [TS]

  about it but it's also it's it makes it [TS]

  hard for me to get my tequila and my [TS]

  daughter's milk and we both need those [TS]

  right dude we do get your tequila and [TS]

  your daughter's milk at the same place [TS]

  it's not going to Kayla and it's not [TS]

  super fresh milk up i'm not gonna lie to [TS]

  you but this concept that if you if you [TS]

  want it [TS]

  yeah well it's the one not if there's [TS]

  the one the only one that only want to [TS]

  finish here and this is the problem with [TS]

  the lottery is in some way the same [TS]

  problem with the John the John truck [TS]

  full of drug money fantasy which is I [TS]

  think those people who go in there and I [TS]

  watched I waited in line behind a guy [TS]

  the other day who paid for lottery [TS]

  tickets with a hundred-dollar bill he [TS]

  bought and got it look at dollar he [TS]

  bought a hundred dollars worth of [TS]

  lottery tickets the guy in front of me [TS]

  and I don't know enough about the [TS]

  lottery system to know whether that's a [TS]

  great better not but I don't think you [TS]

  need to win a lot to keep doing the [TS]

  lottery [TS]

  I think you like any gambling you need [TS]

  to just win just enough to show that the [TS]

  systems not totally wrecked and to get [TS]

  that little Pinot dopamine bird [TS]

  just but it's the the lottery at the [TS]

  most basic level this is a very subtle [TS]

  Oscar Wilde soul of man under socialism [TS]

  kind of point probably but it's the in [TS]

  Smalling of the human soul that the [TS]

  lottery causes because you're getting [TS]

  into such a stupid habit that every time [TS]

  you do it you make that habit stronger [TS]

  you go when you do it over and over and [TS]

  have you done the fucking most basic [TS]

  monochrome of research to find out [TS]

  whether people who win the lottery are [TS]

  happy right well can't even win the [TS]

  lottery people who win [TS]

  no I don't mean that you only get a free [TS]

  scratcher you get that with every [TS]

  hundred million dollars you win 300 [TS]

  million dollars go out and find out [TS]

  whether those people are happy because [TS]

  you know what they're not fucking James [TS]

  Bond they're not Tony Stark their people [TS]

  who now have new problems [TS]

  yeah and they are new problems they [TS]

  never knew existed because they don't [TS]

  have the training to have 300 million [TS]

  dollars they take their country kitchen [TS]

  aesthetic and then everyone have [TS]

  document basket now if applied to a [TS]

  40,000 square foot home and I dogs in [TS]

  baskets everywhere they gonna get a [TS]

  42-foot duck itself slightest here's the [TS]

  thing that by the world's largest duck [TS]

  and it makes them neatly you know you [TS]

  know what now I need the world's largest [TS]

  basket the fucking basket was supposed [TS]

  to be here by ten-thirty [TS]

  it's not here this is the thing that you [TS]

  can and a.m and I've run this on my I [TS]

  run this in this scenario everyone this [TS]

  scenario run this you know this admin on [TS]

  my own mind which is let's say you won [TS]

  300 million dollars [TS]

  yeah now what would you do and the [TS]

  reality is if you don't immediately [TS]

  I mean first of all you get halfway to [TS]

  taxes but if you don't immediately give [TS]

  another habit the the next half away [TS]

  just like the first thing you do your [TS]

  you're on the road to madness like a [TS]

  hundred and fifty million dollars if you [TS]

  have that it can start from zero I mean [TS]

  I i have i have a just going to be [TS]

  eating large amounts of the same shitty [TS]

  takeout food you're going to be tipping [TS]

  more for the same fucking pole dancer [TS]

  nothing is going to change yeah i have [TS]

  an incredibly active imagination and I [TS]

  cannot think [TS]

  of what i would spend that money on and [TS]

  and you don't have the training that's [TS]

  what I'm trying to say is like you don't [TS]

  just show up on day one it's like those [TS]

  people who are like oh you know I've [TS]

  never been in a fight but i'm pretty [TS]

  sure I'd be good as a fighter like I've [TS]

  never I've never run more than half a [TS]

  block to catch a bus without feeling [TS]

  like I'm having a heart attack but i'm [TS]

  pretty sure i could run a marathon [TS]

  you're doing the existential your whole [TS]

  life is completely i'm not trying to say [TS]

  don't make money but i am saying that [TS]

  like just imagining like you give away [TS]

  so much in your life by fantasizing [TS]

  about something that would actually not [TS]

  be that great for you if I so different [TS]

  i wish i had all the weed in the world [TS]

  if I well why don't we might be so [TS]

  fucking take all the time [TS]

  I what I would do is I would lord it [TS]

  over all the fucking stoners is a hard [TS]

  as they can do fancy dances with subs [TS]

  donors want some weed [TS]

  hmm we're gonna get it i'll require a [TS]

  fancy dance for that you get it for me [TS]

  and you know what I don't want to give [TS]

  you anyways today sometime tomorrow [TS]

  maybe tomorrow [TS]

  given its like with your sister just got [TS]

  one to get the lid is going tiny little [TS]

  bit that this is the thing about we'd [TS]

  like you know maybe they become obsessed [TS]

  and you're like you come back tomorrow [TS]

  I don't have any weed today because I [TS]

  get so the 18 hit shit [TS]

  oh yeah anyway that's what you think is [TS]

  the first thing I would do a 550 million [TS]

  dollars of course is by both of my [TS]

  neighbors houses and tear them down [TS]

  it wasn't there when I would tell the [TS]

  parts i think i'd walk over there and be [TS]

  like what the difference is how much [TS]

  warning okay here's the thing though [TS]

  there's think outside the box [TS]

  what you really want is to not have [TS]

  those houses there and for them to be [TS]

  gone right now the question is how much [TS]

  warning do you have to give that's a [TS]

  class how much money you got [TS]

  because if you could literally have it [TS]

  level to like while you're away yeah [TS]

  yeah everybody keep everybody off [TS]

  it's like that grade that great old this [TS]

  may be completely apocryphal but the [TS]

  great craigslist gag where the guy i [TS]

  guess it was a it was a millionaires [TS]

  club situation where a bunch of laborers [TS]

  or outside of a a little laborers are [TS]

  outside of Labor hall and guys come up [TS]

  in a truck and say you you and you get [TS]

  in the truck and he he's he's like you [TS]

  know this guy pulls up in a truck any [TS]

  pics 15 guys off the street and he says [TS]

  I'm gonna pay off you know 40 bucks an [TS]

  hour to do some demo work for me drives [TS]

  over there's a house and he's like the [TS]

  only tear this house down yes and these [TS]

  40 guys all go and they tear the house [TS]

  to the ground and then the guy never [TS]

  comes back and it turns out it was his [TS]

  ex-wife's out right right right that's [TS]

  probably that's probably snopes but that [TS]

  is a good one [TS]

  it's a super google video yeah but [TS]

  that'd be a great feeling to walk up to [TS]

  your next-door neighbor knocked on the [TS]

  door and same your house is worth 300 [TS]

  grand [TS]

  I'm gonna throw in an extra 50 if you [TS]

  can be outputted after know and this [TS]

  will you pick what they like and the [TS]

  magic christian right I'm like what can [TS]

  you get people to do for money but [TS]

  here's the thing the security guard [TS]

  addresses you know despair certainly are [TS]

  probably better than just about anybody [TS]

  i think we had this discussion right out [TS]

  yeah I easy he knows whereof he speaks [TS]

  and it's a great thing for people to [TS]

  read and but I think it's one thing to [TS]

  have freedom and it's another thing to [TS]

  have impunity and I think people think [TS]

  small and i think if i had a hundred [TS]

  fifty million dollars and finally be [TS]

  free [TS]

  I wouldn't have to do these things that [TS]

  other people make me do that how I am [TS]

  but impunity would be so fucking awesome [TS]

  it would be so nice if you were truly [TS]

  the kind of damage person who craves [TS]

  that large amount of money without [TS]

  knowing why [TS]

  yeah you know like if you were just [TS]

  going to I'm going to build the world's [TS]

  biggest bong i would say more power to [TS]

  you [TS]

  why don't you get us find out exactly [TS]

  what that would cost and then maybe [TS]

  going to a Kickstarter or something [TS]

  right [TS]

  but but if you really did want to become [TS]

  like an evil super genius [TS]

  I that is what i can really admire is [TS]

  somebody who says now [TS]

  no I i just i don't i started I want [TS]

  this house is gone i just i want to be [TS]

  able to do that and not in trouble for [TS]

  it [TS]

  yeah i mean that as somebody who already [TS]

  feels like you mostly operates without [TS]

  impunity who with impunity getting [TS]

  information you need a permission slip [TS]

  without with impunity without with him [TS]

  without what you work with Kennedy you [TS]

  yeah you operate the opportunity i do i [TS]

  do have unity [TS]

  no I I feel like for the most part the [TS]

  the reshaping influences on me are you [TS]

  know the opinions of my close friends [TS]

  but i have it i would take 50 grand like [TS]

  you exactly i mean i could tear the hash [TS]

  take a chair down every house in this [TS]

  neighborhood except that you know that [TS]

  like some of my friends would be like me [TS]

  that was again now that John's an [TS]

  asshole before he just seems a little [TS]

  bit like a curiosity right yeah and you [TS]

  can't buy your friends love you can't [TS]

  buy fear you have to instill fear [TS]

  there's no scratch off ticket for fear [TS]

  if I had some if I had a lot more money [TS]

  i think i would be able I would be [TS]

  around I would be buying so you know i [TS]

  like all those other people the [TS]

  following builders and the dream makers [TS]

  and the rainbow sniffers you are [TS]

  literally practice pressing this in your [TS]

  head every day you know exactly what you [TS]

  do you forget plans I don't say you've [TS]

  probably got plans and tubes right now [TS]

  that you can roll out but my first plan [TS]

  is to build a giant trebuchet and then [TS]

  just Huck like big sort of 50 gallon [TS]

  cans of Quaker Oats just hug him all [TS]

  over the city just see what what to see [TS]

  how far they can gallery oh yeah just [TS]

  think nobody's going to expect because [TS]

  it's beautiful stuff and despise you [TS]

  look up in the sky you see that finger [TS]

  pointer over there so many levels no no [TS]

  it's not even think all they see is a [TS]

  55-gallon drum in there to get oil well [TS]

  but but if it looks like because the [TS]

  Quaker Oats guy [TS]

  oh it's a big picture draw the Quaker on [TS]

  it oh you have you you would make fact [TS]

  similes of the quaker oats [TS]

  uh-huh a little little Janice that [TS]

  changes everything except out of a [TS]

  50-gallon drum so so this perspective of [TS]

  that flying through the sky you have no [TS]

  sense of how big it was to be like what [TS]

  does that flying Quaker Oats thing and [TS]

  then as it got closer to show it just [TS]

  keep getting bigger and bigger [TS]

  ik and your mind would be your mind [TS]

  would think is this thing 50 stories [TS]

  tall like you have no sense of how big [TS]

  it was until it landed and and there [TS]

  were notes every Pringles can a giant [TS]

  fewer if you had a trebuchet that was [TS]

  throwing giant wrinkles cans and [TS]

  everybody knows what it looks like [TS]

  everybody knows how big it is [TS]

  yeah it's got a very familiar form [TS]

  factor its flying through the sky and it [TS]

  as it gets closer [TS]

  you have no you have note you have no [TS]

  idea how what's happening how big was [TS]

  just that's warming up you just at that [TS]

  point you had some trouble she's not you [TS]

  have do you have a sense of it you [TS]

  shouldn't say I could I think for I [TS]

  think for six thousand dollars i could [TS]

  accomplish that [TS]

  okay i'm gonna put that down 600,000 I [TS]

  think you could get and if i could say [TS]

  you should [TS]

  a trebuchet in a back up trash and that [TS]

  and that includes finds they can look [TS]

  even the zoning for a minute 37 for [TS]

  trying to shake if I'm if I'm fucking [TS]

  giant Quaker Oats cans all over the city [TS]

  i'm gonna face fuck haha good thing [TS]

  because it lets zone for oats [TS]

  yeah that's there's get there going to [TS]

  be complaints uh-huh but that's factored [TS]

  into the price how crooked is king [TS]

  county and in seattle KKR you with that [TS]

  would there be a way that you can start [TS]

  crossing some palms in advance you do it [TS]

  before or after the trebuchet derived it [TS]

  isn't a sense of it being crooked it is [TS]

  a sense of I am very wired it was you [TS]

  showing up at meetings and they say [TS]

  there's that guy i know all the power [TS]

  brokers who and so that you may be those [TS]

  relationships that is there a Laura [TS]

  Roderick bloodline that runs into the [TS]

  headquarters of power still uh actually [TS]

  most of the most other most of those [TS]

  guys most of the people that know the [TS]

  old school they're all gone [TS]

  there are a couple of guys like the my [TS]

  TV is a sort of powerful politician [TS]

  local Paul and memory is the Sun SEO you [TS]

  got Sally right Samantha lot of there [TS]

  are a lot of sons of guys who were you [TS]

  know level command partners from my dad [TS]

  but but I have made my own relationships [TS]

  with the local the the new younger [TS]

  generation of politicians here and this [TS]

  is like the bike mayor that's the bike [TS]

  mayor and it's the it's the rock and [TS]

  roll a county executive event you know [TS]

  the roccat rock'n'roll county executive [TS]

  and now that the guy but the Democratic [TS]

  candidate for governor has has expressed [TS]

  area expressed interest in in liaison [TS]

  with him haha so if i get a guy in the [TS]

  governor's chair then I feel like this [TS]

  Quaker Oats plan [TS]

  you know you're gonna be fine this is [TS]

  there going to be a father [TS]

  this happened nothing I don't think [TS]

  about head-butter but there's been a lot [TS]

  of times where you could get some [TS]

  materials or materials you say you could [TS]

  get some stuff that looks like it would [TS]

  be useful for something that wouldn't be [TS]

  a trebuchet many Springs you need a [TS]

  large cup you need some kind of I don't [TS]

  know the details its adorbs [TS]

  yeah okay but Cena logs you could be [TS]

  making again you could be making nature [TS]

  trails a lawyer would be a perfect way [TS]

  to make a nature trail sure I need one [TS]

  truck load of logs who so check out of [TS]

  logs kinds of logs that logs right [TS]

  absolutely [TS]

  ok in fact I think you could build a [TS]

  trebuchet entirely of logs you would [TS]

  mean any other parts i can just fuck [TS]

  this whole thing up for you John I think [TS]

  I don't know she did for the rest of [TS]

  today [TS]

  it sounds to me like this is something [TS]

  you could make today for about forty [TS]

  dollars [TS]

  well I would be a smart be like a [TS]

  preliminary one a smaller prototype [TS]

  yeah maybe don't take out that bodega [TS]

  with some oats that was that was one of [TS]

  my early internet punk-rock names [TS]

  trebuchet actually met a girl who knew [TS]

  me as trebuchet your kingly actually [TS]

  that wasn't leading striking out a [TS]

  folder when you were there that was my [TS]

  friendster profile trailer Shane no one [TS]

  ever got it but there was a girl who [TS]

  knew me as trade boucher on friendster [TS]

  who came to a long winter show and she [TS]

  had no sense that I was trading che came [TS]

  to the show randomly and came up to me [TS]

  at the merch table and I recognized her [TS]

  from friendster well as someone that I [TS]

  had communicated with many times as [TS]

  trade boucher and she was like that was [TS]

  a great show my god amazing wow the [TS]

  Buddha can i buy your merchant I was [TS]

  like sitting there thinking should I [TS]

  tell her I'm trip check your fellatio [TS]

  ontology 69 and her name was something [TS]

  like Sam can go over i don't remember [TS]

  his ex cutter ex got x.x eyeliner and [TS]

  the and i never i didn't cop to it I was [TS]

  just like solar merge i took my picture [TS]

  with their I had five der and off she [TS]

  went into the night and I was like I [TS]

  never I never doubted myself as [TS]

  trebuchet [TS]

  well that's that would be unprofessional [TS]

  right if I mean the whole point of good [TS]

  designer standard don't don't don't say [TS]

  if you know but it's my understanding [TS]

  that you want to keep your secret a [TS]

  secret long after it doesn't even need [TS]

  to be a secret like we don't want to let [TS]

  you know we don't need to tell you how [TS]

  this ending thing worked [TS]

  we're not going to get any of that [TS]

  exactly means that true didn't they're [TS]

  all kinds of things from world war two [TS]

  that given because of the cold war we [TS]

  just didn't want anybody know how he we [TS]

  kept our secret secret for a long time [TS]

  that's how you do right [TS]

  yeah well I'm some of that stuff i think [TS]

  is still secret not because the thing [TS]

  itself but because the methodology and [TS]

  who would have known who would have been [TS]

  involved at what times [TS]

  yeah right and and also use some [TS]

  triangulating triangulate all kinds of [TS]

  things once you have a little bit of [TS]

  information some of those methodologies [TS]

  are still in play the whole concept that [TS]

  there are two concepts about espionage [TS]

  in world war two one is that no Nazi spy [TS]

  survived war in England but the [TS]

  undiscovered buddy was actually happy [TS]

  now pulled up the carpet on every single [TS]

  Nazi spy in England that is that's one [TS]

  of the world war two and and i know that [TS]

  because the Germans kept such good [TS]

  records [TS]

  well yeah and that that the Germans had [TS]

  almost no espionage successful as they [TS]

  turned every agent so the Germans were [TS]

  like they weren't getting any good [TS]

  espionage they were getting all plants [TS]

  planted SPM planted information [TS]

  double-double agent double operative we [TS]

  call that will compromise which term for [TS]

  that double triple secret probation who [TS]

  can and the other myth is that that the [TS]

  UK a and as I don't know if that's a [TS]

  myth nobody knows if there were Nazi [TS]

  spies who who actually were providing [TS]

  good intelligence that were that went [TS]

  undiscovered nobody knows the other I [TS]

  mean somebody probably knows but we [TS]

  don't as a as a people know that the [TS]

  other myth is that the British were [TS]

  putting all these guys in trench coats [TS]

  with briefcases and poison-tipped [TS]

  umbrellas parachuting them behind enemy [TS]

  lines in Germany and they were provided [TS]

  all this incredible actionable [TS]

  intelligence and the reason that we [TS]

  think that is that [TS]

  the the germans captured some of these [TS]

  guys with with umbrellas and entrench [TS]

  codes and they thought well if we're [TS]

  capturing you know if we captured fifty [TS]

  these guys that must mean 500 got [TS]

  through but i don't think that that is [TS]

  actually true [TS]

  the Germans might have captured every [TS]

  single spy it just served in the British [TS]

  to perpetuate this idea that they're [TS]

  spies were getting through a lot of the [TS]

  British intelligence just came from [TS]

  turncoat Nazis but it served them to to [TS]

  perpetuate this idea that they know they [TS]

  have spies everywhere so I think some of [TS]

  those and some of those there's still [TS]

  fueling some of those meals because you [TS]

  never know when the secret might be [TS]

  useful again exactly if you've got if [TS]

  you've got like yeah where the card is [TS]

  not a drop it drop what you call we call [TS]

  the place where you stick something in a [TS]

  hole and then Draco dead you have a dead [TS]

  drop and you know as far as you know [TS]

  it's not been discovered [TS]

  like why would you tell everybody all [TS]

  here's where all are dead drops were [TS]

  have a nice day [TS]

  right because you don't want to tell [TS]

  people what you didn't know [TS]

  yeah don't tell them I do that every [TS]

  game i have safe houses all over this [TS]

  country i'm never going to tell anybody [TS]

  but you should you said too much already [TS]

  so he's the practice of capital exist [TS]

  now Constantine rock-and-roll County [TS]

  deputy eat does he does he does he play [TS]

  guitar like a lazy lee atwater type [TS]

  situation do here I like absolutely [TS]

  loves he loves rock music us shows he's [TS]

  a hip guy because you're familiar with [TS]

  this guy [TS]

  oh he's a he's a he's a bro fruit and [TS]

  you know powerful local politician give [TS]

  me the man in the corner it seems like [TS]

  somebody if you run into trouble with [TS]

  this whole trebuchet thing that [TS]

  accounting guy is going to be nice to [TS]

  have your going to want people working [TS]

  all different angles right well that's [TS]

  the thing i'm gonna i'm gonna call him [TS]

  i'm going to say listen I misread the [TS]

  zoning I thought that this i thought my [TS]

  my neighborhood was zoned for Trisha's [TS]

  you're like an old woman telling a copy [TS]

  didn't see the Sun and puts and cousin [TS]

  i-i-i thought I understood if it's very [TS]

  complicated language I just want to be [TS]

  real clear with this I was completely [TS]

  aware that I was making a trip in [TS]

  shooting 55-gallon drums votes I'm not [TS]

  gonna obviously like I can't take it [TS]

  back [TS]

  look if I turned around and shooting [TS]

  them to the south with that have been [TS]

  alright [TS]

  I have to tell you I just I didn't know [TS]

  up listen listen maybe we can forget [TS]

  about the things that get all about this [TS]

  is the tickets to the show haha love our [TS]

  trebuchet [TS]

  [Music] [TS]