Roderick on the Line

Ep. 75: "Mean Baby"


  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John oh hi Marla are you still [TS]

  get to still a good time [TS]

  that's pretty early move he hit my bell [TS]

  happen who then a bit of a feeling like [TS]

  a little bit of a cat that's been [TS]

  sitting in a hammock all day [TS]

  hmm nothing like that likes more than [TS]

  being in a hammock but that sounds like [TS]

  some old Southern wisdom that is a [TS]

  little bit of southern wisdom I feel [TS]

  like a cornpone inside of a fritter [TS]

  ok I'm not existentially conflicted as a [TS]

  cat named eric i don't like it but I [TS]

  feel a little off-kilter up a little bit [TS]

  like a cat on the image of a bathtub mi [TS]

  miss the color of the South i should say [TS]

  that's a lot of ping-pong from that it's [TS]

  a nice to wear what I feel like just [TS]

  told you in the tutor I feel girl idiot [TS]

  because of you because he's you set a [TS]

  time signature that could possibly be a [TS]

  time signature in our last episode John [TS]

  as you know I'm not a music theory [TS]

  addition the red assist the all right to [TS]

  your answer [TS]

  yeah the road Rorschach Rorschach's yeah [TS]

  you know but still i know there's no [TS]

  such thing as a sixth note that i'm [TS]

  always have but you know what here's [TS]

  what i did not know there is such a [TS]

  thing as two-thirds for time units next [TS]

  extra / two-thirds for time [TS]

  yeah yeah yeahs two-thirds for and you [TS]

  can also play in four thirds for you can [TS]

  play all combine now that's a [TS]

  three-fifths for four thirds find local [TS]

  from off my but wouldn't it be something [TS]

  like 11.3 time [TS]

  what is it has all too well that's the [TS]

  good question is just like the time [TS]

  signature version of like like 12 times [TS]

  or something [TS]

  apparently not is now a few rules all [TS]

  third both the third movement of the [TS]

  motto songs made to a about that the [TS]

  belay song [TS]

  yeah anyway it has it has a portion of [TS]

  the of the third bar the third movement [TS]

  third reminds me have to be honest too [TS]

  mercy that I from try to remember the [TS]

  name that I think it's merged into [TS]

  tonight libo nielsen hear that Martin [TS]

  Bormann to yeah right well that's more [TS]

  like in three fifths over Fort I think [TS]

  it's actually two-thirds over 2 and then [TS]

  bar 123 is in two-thirds over for well [TS]

  you know there's a lot of room for music [TS]

  theatre additions to disagree about [TS]

  these years [TS]

  yes it's all about counting and you can [TS]

  count things a lot of different ways [TS]

  yes yes are some cinnamon for instance [TS]

  is in I still understand that song it's [TS]

  in four-four time but it was doing the [TS]

  terms are you doing New poor thing right [TS]

  well the song so the know the drums are [TS]

  doing for the drums are in for the rest [TS]

  of the songs in 30 hits a triplet when [TS]

  it comes it lines up it lines up every [TS]

  every 470 miles [TS]

  OIC it's what does straight couple of [TS]

  synchronicity it's a little bit of [TS]

  synchronicity synchrony synchronicity [TS]

  let me see the crystal singing bank [TS]

  account [TS]

  goodra mucho gusto [TS]

  hmm so you know what here's something [TS]

  corny with his bow Nielsen's got a lot [TS]

  of entries on the unusual time signature [TS]

  page yeah I get the feeling that he is [TS]

  one of those sport composers I was like [TS]

  us and that math classical rock [TS]

  yeah it was just like out there like [TS]

  trying to try to to write music because [TS]

  it's possible he wants to get a [TS]

  Wikipedia page [TS]

  he's trying to he's doing math because [TS]

  it's possible not because it's true [TS]

  because because it's real I mean I guess [TS]

  if it's possible it's real but well or [TS]

  we can say we're going to sing something [TS]

  I was gonna sing there's a house on my [TS]

  street and it looks real need [TS]

  I'm the cat who lives in it the sidewalk [TS]

  there's the car by the door i'll go for [TS]

  a drive in it pop up what your team and [TS]

  when no one back comes [TS]

  yes by now that's that's one of the [TS]

  steric open songs right it's a stewart [TS]

  copeland song and stewart copeland sings [TS]

  it and it is a I remember being well [TS]

  what I've been 13 I think that's all one [TS]

  of the the three good records it is on [TS]

  one of the three good roads and and it [TS]

  and it's it's one it's one of the it's [TS]

  one of those songs that to a [TS]

  thirteen-year-old [TS]

  the aesthetic thirteen-year-old mind [TS]

  it's just like so awesome so great it's [TS]

  the type of song that you play if you [TS]

  are the type of kid who takes that half [TS]

  rack box from a 12-pack of Schmidt beer [TS]

  and writes dork on it and then makes [TS]

  whoever is drinking whoever shot getting [TS]

  the next year has to wear the dork [TS]

  ailments that is the kind of song that [TS]

  you want playing while you shotgunning a [TS]

  beer wearing a dork ailment [TS]

  I'm just I'm just singing theorizing [TS]

  what it would be like huh [TS]

  it's just yeah as a hypothetical to be [TS]

  that kid or to be that kind of kid well [TS]

  if it's real it's rational and true i [TS]

  think sting said that on one of his jazz [TS]

  records i remember i had been with that [TS]

  song was about his father and the [TS]

  Russians yeah and yoga roof [TS]

  I I had a strange experience a couple [TS]

  months ago I mention this but I I saw [TS]

  somebody wearing a cowboy hat that they [TS]

  had made you called half and 12 pack [TS]

  half-rack 12 packs and yeah yeah yeah [TS]

  unless unless you talk about Stroh's oh [TS]

  and then Stroh's course has the 15 pack [TS]

  em Viennese Waltz three extra beers and [TS]

  the stros go for the gold 15 pack is [TS]

  that is that have cold activated bottles [TS]

  and cold activated cans [TS]

  no that's your thing of coors you're [TS]

  talking about your thing about the [TS]

  silver bullet for which there is no [TS]

  slowing down [TS]

  oh that's no signed and that's right and [TS]

  so they put that put in the new yorker [TS]

  would have a diuresis over the second oh [TS]

  right exactly that exact mr. cool mr. [TS]

  Kufuor yours to use it you recently did [TS]

  you recently call them out for putting a [TS]

  hurting on whom lot over cooperation or [TS]

  something and now it was gas but it was [TS]

  he in cooperation I made my peace with [TS]

  like they're going to do that in your [TS]

  loser i think was reenter re-enter old [TS]

  at the second II yeah yeah if you [TS]

  pronounce this is 2000 a row they're [TS]

  gonna they're gonna die die click the [TS]

  second one man I'd like to do a Code Red [TS]

  on whoever is their grammar nazi they [TS]

  are there [TS]

  the problem is that the Chicago Manual [TS]

  style like k [TS]

  even I think or at least they they [TS]

  waffled on the on the Oxford comma there [TS]

  was all that waffling over the Oxford [TS]

  comma and as a result of it [TS]

  no one no one knew what to believe [TS]

  anymore well I mean you know if you're [TS]

  not going to have the Oxford comma I [TS]

  mean first of all God i canna table the [TS]

  course hat I don't want to talk about [TS]

  whatever the course have you talked [TS]

  about we talked about the Oxford comma [TS]

  on one of the other podcasts and you and [TS]

  you and you feel like I know it's not a [TS]

  topic throughout if it's true it's [TS]

  rational and provable so I have to [TS]

  imagine you know it's like monkeys [TS]

  monkeys in Shakespeare uh-huh [TS]

  imagine at some point have discussed the [TS]

  extra common good an unlimited number of [TS]

  Merlin's in an interview with an [TS]

  unlimited number of grammar books [TS]

  well eventually we'll talk about [TS]

  everything i'm gonna get to the course [TS]

  at about my daughter I want to hear [TS]

  about my daughter started a new activity [TS]

  and we got an informative multi-page [TS]

  sheet as you know you get informative [TS]

  multi-page sheets about everything as a [TS]

  parent you to digest it all like it's [TS]

  all equally important i only know this [TS]

  from the pediatrician who gives you the [TS]

  baby doctor [TS]

  yeah that's right it gives you the [TS]

  multi-page sheets that say your child at [TS]

  this age should begin to you know vomit [TS]

  in in in solid chunks instead of just [TS]

  the slurry your childhood sh-should [TS]

  should begin to resist when you try and [TS]

  choke it your child at this age should [TS]

  you know should have opinions about [TS]

  French cinema and and I read the sheet [TS]

  and it's just like these are the same [TS]

  people that told me that the [TS]

  contractions were going to come in and [TS]

  even and regular way and that they were [TS]

  going to start at this road at this [TS]

  rotation at this intensity and then over [TS]

  the course of several hours they were [TS]

  going to mature until they were coming [TS]

  faster and harder and I and I went all [TS]

  the hands however just a second I I lost [TS]

  track i was writing down course hat and [TS]

  lost track for a second I thought you're [TS]

  talking about contractions like don't [TS]

  can't [TS]

  oh yeah well that too called [TS]

  braxton-hicks contractions and about [TS]

  braxton-hicks contractions yet doesn't [TS]

  always and they trained me for months [TS]

  that you know a big they Pavlovian [TS]

  trained me [TS]

  to feel like like when the baby was [TS]

  coming it was going to be a it was going [TS]

  to be a predictable and rational [TS]

  experience and then the brand they get [TS]

  you the Braxton Hicks contractions [TS]

  started and they were like something [TS]

  that Tesla had to devise it was just [TS]

  like it was like above a lightning ball [TS]

  and they were coming that they weren't [TS]

  anything like they had said in all these [TS]

  many many classes and all these five [TS]

  page stapled handouts and I called the [TS]

  doctor i called the pediatrician and [TS]

  actually have the pediatrician come out [TS]

  of surgery to talk to me and I said what [TS]

  the hell took over do you think I've [TS]

  must've they just they just put the [TS]

  suction in there and its surrounding [TS]

  villages but put some ice in there and [TS]

  just everybody cool with all the [TS]

  products on the button i'll be back in [TS]

  three and he comes out and he's like [TS]

  yeah ok hello what is going on and I [TS]

  said you guys said that it was going to [TS]

  go like this and it isn't going like [TS]

  that and he said oh it's fine [TS]

  every pregnancy is different and I said [TS]

  that's baloney you gave me I went to 40 [TS]

  classes and everything every class told [TS]

  me it was going to be exactly the same [TS]

  but he's like oh I know but that's every [TS]

  one of them's different your guys units [TS]

  everything's happening maybe that's just [TS]

  to keep you from not freaking out are [TS]

  you freaking out you know any now when [TS]

  they hand me a three-page printout that [TS]

  says your baby at this age should start [TS]

  resisting when you choked her I'm like I [TS]

  don't believe it i'm not going to read [TS]

  this it's just more of this [TS]

  it's more this like the mean if your [TS]

  baby is the mean baby and my baby is a [TS]

  mean baby living you if she is that if [TS]

  she's the mean baby [TS]

  yeah she will behave predictably [TS]

  otherwise but I mean boils down to a [TS]

  certain kind of speculation like you can [TS]

  expect like you're saying with if he got [TS]

  a curve and you gotta mean and median [TS]

  it's like you know a bunch of the time [TS]

  it kind of sometimes works out this way [TS]

  right two white parents normally white [TS]

  baby but not give concerns every once in [TS]

  a while you have to you have to have a [TS]

  dream to have a conversation he had some [TS]

  white chocolate so anyway course at you [TS]

  want we are just got his hand out and [TS]

  the handout my wife and I both notice [TS]

  completely independently that they did [TS]

  missed a comma and so one of the things [TS]

  that you're not allowed to bring is a is [TS]

  animals electronic devices so either [TS]

  there's a missing the comic devices to [TS]

  belong to the animals [TS]

  yeah yeah and I mean and then again at [TS]

  once again d put the s you know after [TS]

  the anyway like the combo drop the BS [TS]

  I'm starting I gotta get back to Phil [TS]

  Collins so I i was walking us through [TS]

  this is one of those i think it's what [TS]

  does your calls synchronicity i'm [TS]

  walking down the street or somewhere i [TS]

  met dreamed it and I saw somebody I [TS]

  believe this doesn't make sense given [TS]

  Florida but i think was the first time [TS]

  in my life I saw somebody wearing an air [TS]

  SATs cowboy hat made out of a 12-pack of [TS]

  course bottles so no no let me get me [TS]

  let me see if I can 0 and have you seen [TS]

  one of these is this is this is this [TS]

  where they have cut aluminum cans and [TS]

  macro made them together into an honor [TS]

  sorry I should have been clearer it's [TS]

  like that's not like a pop top vest [TS]

  no no it's where you take you take the [TS]

  boxee the empty kors curves cold [TS]

  activated box and fashioned it somehow [TS]

  into a cowboy hat now this on its own is [TS]

  pretty strange can do it with one or do [TS]

  you need multiple cores boxes to to make [TS]

  that look right guess it depends on how [TS]

  lonely you are i mean because you're [TS]

  gonna want the logo [TS]

  oh you're saying like you want a [TS]

  ten-gallon I don't know that the wolfram [TS]

  alpha but but anyway and then that very [TS]

  same day maybe a day later I saw that [TS]

  you could buy one on the amazon [TS]

  marketplace [TS]

  I'm not sure how I arrived at that it [TS]

  might have been one of those of beer a [TS]

  half-rack cardboard and it was coolers [TS]

  how boy hat you know pretty weird [TS]

  yeah anyway there's no such thing as [TS]

  13-6 time I feel dumb that I said it and [TS]

  I just I regret the error i've been [TS]

  doing that a lot lately John I i thought [TS]

  you know my dad my daughter leaves on [TS]

  every time I say something stupid i [TS]

  confuse some Avengers i'm sure i do it [TS]

  on the show all the time and I say [TS]

  something guy 59-48 time you gotta close [TS]

  this page [TS]

  um I do it more and more and I'm hoping [TS]

  that you do it too i mean in a selfish [TS]

  way I just find myself sometimes saying [TS]

  something think I met people like [TS]

  slow-motion strokey like I've fuck [TS]

  myself [TS]

  things that after i said them and it's [TS]

  been pointed out to me I realized makes [TS]

  almost no sense and i'm not talking [TS]

  about my usual nonsense you know what I [TS]

  mean did you ever get that at all [TS]

  well the thing the thing about You [TS]

  Merlin that is so extraordinary is that [TS]

  the the that you are capable of a of [TS]

  such a torrent of ideas that for the [TS]

  most part do make sense that is what's [TS]

  astonishing [TS]

  yeah you know I don't have that problem [TS]

  because it takes me a long time to say [TS]

  everything that i am trying to say [TS]

  because I take time in your you choose [TS]

  your words carefully and and not just [TS]

  because you're pedantic yeah we'll set [TS]

  that aside for a minute is that is one [TS]

  reason you're here to help people John [TS]

  can I slow it down [TS]

  yeah and what what you know I've said [TS]

  multiple times because lately [TS]

  Merlin I've been reading a couple of [TS]

  transcripts of our show [TS]

  um because i think you know you're so [TS]

  quotable youyou really speak in like [TS]

  written paragraphs well part of that is [TS]

  that is the slowness but but reading [TS]

  some of the transcripts of the show [TS]

  there are things that you say I'm sure [TS]

  that the person who transcribed the [TS]

  episode had to slow the tape down you [TS]

  know it took him a half an hour to [TS]

  transcribe 11 exchange between us [TS]

  because you say so many things and so [TS]

  many of them are on point and they are [TS]

  referencing back and referencing forward [TS]

  and you are moving through time like a [TS]

  like a like a warm through a cheese and [TS]

  and and decidedly a thing [TS]

  yeah you should see worms move through [TS]

  cheez-its they're like Time Traveller's [TS]

  hots that's just science but but uh but [TS]

  i'm reading the transcripts and I'm [TS]

  thinking you know I i was i was a part [TS]

  of this conversation and there were [TS]

  there are whole stretches of it with [TS]

  where I was really I was like the jetski [TS]

  writer and and then either in cans of [TS]

  course at and no one can you and you [TS]

  were the lake and I was just I was just [TS]

  start was just going on the wave tops [TS]

  just John the sidekick and I'm so okay [TS]

  with that [TS]

  I come in I [TS]

  and I had a penis but I added the [TS]

  program i select the show art I thought [TS]

  you didn't end of the program [TS]

  oh I i put in garage band hit button [TS]

  well I guess that counts as editing [TS]

  other half half the people that have a [TS]

  production credit on wikipedia or that's [TS]

  all they did put in the ground and put [TS]

  it into any warhol set there with the [TS]

  starboard to say or whatever it's called [TS]

  that the film editing machine i doubt it [TS]

  he just abusing be printed at the empire [TS]

  state building gets a haircut if you [TS]

  look at the production credits just from [TS]

  the long winters records there are a lot [TS]

  of people on there that did last but [TS]

  yeah me neither can Stringfellow i'm [TS]

  always punching in yeah although can God [TS]

  rest his soul get more in the undead [TS]

  that's not class i'm i'm so I I'm so I I [TS]

  you know I just like to say a nice word [TS]

  about Ken who's been dead all these [TS]

  centuries that Donaire matches of direct [TS]

  I don't like to speak ill of the undead [TS]

  but but but no again is a great producer [TS]

  yeah part of it is that he doesn't need [TS]

  sleep and and feeds on teens but he made [TS]

  it gets great guitars [TS]

  okay um did you know that the lyrics of [TS]

  synchronicity the song actually [TS]

  foreshadow stings solo career like the [TS]

  lyrics sarah palin drime i'm not talking [TS]

  about synchronicity two are you talking [TS]

  about with one breath one help you [TS]

  willna synchronicity [TS]

  yeah yeah a star fall because phone all [TS]

  it joins all synchronicity it's so deep [TS]

  it's so wide you're inside synchronicity [TS]

  it's a foreshadowing yeah shadow came [TS]

  first [TS]

  yes this is this is a dream of the blue [TS]

  turtles but in advance of of like [TS]

  pathetic that we could have ever [TS]

  conceived of it like when synchronicity [TS]

  came out you had no you had no fourth [TS]

  site of dream of the blue turtles or [TS]

  beyond [TS]

  that's the only way i can be hanging on [TS]

  yeah but if you if you had really [TS]

  studied these lyrics you know almost [TS]

  imperceptible something inexpressible [TS]

  science insusceptible we should have [TS]

  seen it coming projects so inflexible [TS]

  causally connected mobile outcome is an [TS]

  important commercial this is and it's [TS]

  it's really i mean i've heard this on a [TS]

  billion times i don't i don't think i [TS]

  ever took the time to see what sting was [TS]

  talking about and what he was talking [TS]

  about was ya tam trick fucking now write [TS]

  down in the back of a Jaguar yes and you [TS]

  know I get a little of the Indian come [TS]

  vice right you just need to clamp it [TS]

  down [TS]

  that's right and none of this is good [TS]

  now none of this is no political [TS]

  solution i'm gonna have trouble [TS]

  evilution have no faith in constitution [TS]

  there is no bloody revolution but see I [TS]

  can forgive that that could be with that [TS]

  fits the Minutemen lyric or whatever but [TS]

  all here we go [TS]

  but but I'm gonna have to go back and [TS]

  see what the first sign or maybe [TS]

  somewhere lol I i can I can help with [TS]

  that [TS]

  what is the first indication that you [TS]

  had that sting would eventually be [TS]

  become the sting that we know where is [TS]

  the evidence in the public in the police [TS]

  well for example he did not write the [TS]

  lyric ton of white boy guilt that's my [TS]

  problem obstacle to enjoy when you [TS]

  reason to use some drugs he'd written [TS]

  like that no no chance probably don't [TS]

  recognize that you know it's a it's [TS]

  bullshit i realized that when i saw him [TS]

  as a bellhop carrying people's bags away [TS]

  into fancy hotel is that I was the job [TS]

  of brimstone and marmalade just that [TS]

  movie where he's the creepy guy know [TS]

  doing what he talking about [TS]

  no no it's his it says he's faced a [TS]

  space to start turning Quadrophenia had [TS]

  a good movie i feel like it started it [TS]

  and it seems weird no no never talk [TS]

  about the first time I saw Tommy did you [TS]

  get that everybody liked it that I'm [TS]

  architecture 7315 guard there that's [TS]

  breath like a hot one burning a hole in [TS]

  your hand i'm just going to write all [TS]

  this down I want to come back to my time [TS]

  when I tell my daughter to curse will be [TS]

  up and the first interview right with [TS]

  sting writing the stem the first time I [TS]

  ever saw Tommy there was a double [TS]

  feature at the University of Alaska [TS]

  Anchorage in the student center and some [TS]

  kid from my junior high school [TS]

  was like hey you want to go to this [TS]

  movie with me and I had never had I mean [TS]

  it was like it was a it was a student [TS]

  like a student activity at the [TS]

  University we were going to sneak in we [TS]

  were in eighth grade I guess we go in [TS]

  and it's you know it's the student [TS]

  center is awful kids and you can smell [TS]

  pot smoke in the air and it felt very [TS]

  dangerous we were like clearly too young [TS]

  to be there and it was a double feature [TS]

  of Tommy and heavy metal which had just [TS]

  come out [TS]

  Wow and tommy was first and heavy metal [TS]

  was the was the headliner and that's we [TS]

  were there to see heavy metal [TS]

  neither did you know what was on the [TS]

  soundtrack that soundtrack not not well [TS]

  yeah I guess we had we we already own [TS]

  the soundtrack because we were here [TS]

  soundtrack we were devo fans so we got [TS]

  the soundtrack because the depot and [TS]

  then you know that sammy hagar tracks [TS]

  pretty killer and if there's a lot of [TS]

  cheap tricks on their tricks on there's [TS]

  there's some good jams that's a great [TS]

  movie but so we had to sit through Tommy [TS]

  and I had never seen a musical certainly [TS]

  I've never seen a rock musical and it [TS]

  chilled me to the bone [TS]

  it scared the living daylights out of me [TS]

  Tommy did I kept waiting for it to make [TS]

  sense i kept waiting for completing for [TS]

  a sympathetic character it really it [TS]

  will I can't say that I was too young [TS]

  I just was i didn't i didn't get it i [TS]

  didn't like it took me it took me [TS]

  multiple viewings of Tommy 22 to be some [TS]

  really weird movie it's it's it looks i [TS]

  describe this it stopped my head I mean [TS]

  because the thing is when i saw i was [TS]

  already such a huge fan and I i mean [TS]

  like i had just in Tommy for me was like [TS]

  wow i mean III just don't listen to it [TS]

  so many times and I you know learned up [TS]

  in as well as I could play along with [TS]

  the songs in the movie just it looked [TS]

  weird and it was two concrete in some [TS]

  ways I think probably Elton John in [TS]

  giant shoes playing pinball like didn't [TS]

  help her Tina Turner and the iron maiden [TS]

  was that help maybe he'll serve me well [TS]

  let's see i but yeah I remember looking [TS]

  in retrospect kind of like the blues [TS]

  brothers you know Blues Brothers has [TS]

  that weird like almost a TV movie kind [TS]

  of look to it and in retrospect I think [TS]

  about like speaking of a space and gangs [TS]

  i watch this movie and then called the [TS]

  firm about soccer hooligans it was [TS]

  pretty good and I've been thinking more [TS]

  about like dang movies actually lately [TS]

  and at you know I don't know I don't [TS]

  know why I mentioned this but like [TS]

  sometimes movies it seems like the firm [TS]

  for example was based on this BBC show [TS]

  like a like a one hour to our TV show [TS]

  with Gary old olden olden olden Newman [TS]

  gary numan perfect it was it was a [TS]

  two-way army show from but I and I [TS]

  thought you know this is a good movie [TS]

  but it was probably a lot better as a TV [TS]

  show because of the dramatic compression [TS]

  of it you kind of need to stretch it out [TS]

  into a movie and with Tommy it's what [TS]

  makes him so great i mean i love the [TS]

  little rip like what i can do with this [TS]

  us for as a call back [TS]

  you know what I mean it becomes almost [TS]

  symphonic and we put in a movie with [TS]

  like Eric Clapton walking down a church [TS]

  I'll it's weird [TS]

  yeah so you found it disturbing aight [TS]

  i'm still disturbed by my blog by that [TS]

  first by the first impression of Tommy [TS]

  and even the cartoon boobs in heavy [TS]

  metal could not erase the trauma of of [TS]

  of watching Tommy all the way through [TS]

  and and you know like a drunk pill [TS]

  filled out and Margaret rolling around [TS]

  in a in a bed full of beans [TS]

  mm I mean yeah but I take I take a guy I [TS]

  still watch The Blues Brothers probably [TS]

  three times a month i really really i [TS]

  like that movie and I until I think [TS]

  about it I don't realize that how often [TS]

  I still constantly quote the Blues [TS]

  Brothers yeah you can't you can't not [TS]

  and yet i introduce jonathan coulton our [TS]

  often referenced friend on this podcast [TS]

  I introduced him to the blues brothers [TS]

  as an adult he had never seen it 40 [TS]

  years old had never seen the Blues [TS]

  Brothers [TS]

  and I say anything it's just like come [TS]

  on really didn't see the blues bros [TS]

  because why because you were too cool [TS]

  when you were ten i wanted to beat him i [TS]

  wanted to beat him down with a boat [TS]

  paddle deserve to go to Yale and yeah [TS]

  that's exactly right and you know what [TS]

  you was full of people like that i'm not [TS]

  surprised at all John you want you under [TS]

  an extraordinary amount of people from [TS]

  Yale and I just like it's a shame on [TS]

  every level if you stood on the view [TS]

  stood if you stood in the center of yell [TS]

  at him on their quads they probably [TS]

  minimal quantities probably Quint it is [TS]

  a Quincy era sext and you stand there [TS]

  with it to play D&D is tempered with a [TS]

  clipboard and you ask every person [TS]

  walking by with the with the knotted [TS]

  pink scarf for our not a pink sweater or [TS]

  a lot but you say excuse me have you [TS]

  ever seen the Blues Brothers I bet [TS]

  eighty percent of them would say no and [TS]

  they would say you know they'd say no [TS]

  like now that's a that's a movie the [TS]

  servants watch but anyway I introduce [TS]

  jonathan coulton to the blues brothers [TS]

  are rather I insisted that he watches [TS]

  which is the way interviews people two [TS]

  things at once she wrote me and here's [TS]

  what he said are you ready yeah man [TS]

  ah he said man yeah this is a movie with [TS]

  cab call away [TS]

  Rachael Ray Charles yeah i mean track on [TS]

  is in that movie that must get to get [TS]

  everything Franklin steve cropper [TS]

  pee-wee Herman back he said that must've [TS]

  been infuriating can imagine you first [TS]

  of all anybody who says that to you [TS]

  what can you do he was across the [TS]

  country if they've been married and [TS]

  that's why you did it now [TS]

  aerial enemy he really relies on that i [TS]

  would i would have put a carton of milk [TS]

  down the front of his pain that man met [TS]

  I'm sorry I have you told your daughter [TS]

  swear chicken for dinner [TS]

  oh yeah I don't know what who cares um [TS]

  no I want to know because i intend i'm [TS]

  already teaching my daughter is where x [TS]

  square around all the time [TS]

  see I thought it was gonna be okay to [TS]

  say crap but today today she said crap [TS]

  on the swing set and I felt kind of bad [TS]

  and I really have to another child now I [TS]

  return comics it's my substitution for [TS]

  another word and you know I say IDC [TS]

  crappy a lot and in my head that's like [TS]

  what crappy a boy what a what a crappy [TS]

  comic this was or something like that [TS]

  and I don't realize that you know she [TS]

  can hear what I'm saying [TS]

  yeah and they emulate that now can we [TS]

  say this Rachel we have rituals on [TS]

  imaging officials one of our know what [TS]

  this is really boring one of the rituals [TS]

  we go to go to the walk-in beer cooler [TS]

  ever since she was an infant we would go [TS]

  to the walking beer cooler at the later [TS]

  one of those at your house [TS]

  that's not gonna show you and to your [TS]

  house i never saw a walk-in beer cooler [TS]

  and ever since way before she could talk [TS]

  we walk in there is even one of our [TS]

  rituals visit the lobsters we walk into [TS]

  the beer cooler and welcome to the tires [TS]

  is that you put inside the beer cooler [TS]

  and pretend you're going to leave her [TS]

  there is not that much i have the [TS]

  teacher about what i have and we walk up [TS]

  to the coolers and and i would say look [TS]

  I say look cold activated bottles cold [TS]

  you know along the lines of you know [TS]

  real tomato ketchup cold activated [TS]

  bottles cold activated again I say le [TS]

  vice this course you can talk it's like [TS]

  a dumb asses and then eventually now she [TS]

  picks it up and I always tell her before [TS]

  we leave the beer cooler right this is [TS]

  just our special word that we only using [TS]

  the beer cooler [TS]

  somehow I i saw i read an interview with [TS]

  sting and i want to say so to answer [TS]

  your question i'm not sure where it [TS]

  started because there needs to be a name [TS]

  for this phenomenon which is like oh my [TS]

  gosh you are such an important part of [TS]

  my life [TS]

  artist that like you could roll in the [TS]

  strength for a pretty long time you know [TS]

  Weezer be a great example when I made [TS]

  two of my all-time favorite records and [TS]

  then a lot of stuff that maybe go huh [TS]

  we're not just that but they've they've [TS]

  committed like full-on crimes against [TS]

  humanity that you are blind to or [TS]

  continue to forgive them for I'm gonna [TS]

  write that down so you think she should [TS]

  be a Twitter Nuremberg up there really [TS]

  should we should have it we should have [TS]

  a tribunal but we can get them online [TS]

  that put the put headphones on them and [TS]

  let everybody let everybody on twitter [TS]

  try them try them for crimes against [TS]

  humanity quarter they're fucking peers [TS]

  can also watch downfall the other name [TS]

  you wish I yeah okay we return to that [TS]

  it was an interview and I want to say [TS]

  musician magazine and it was right [TS]

  around the time it was no publicity for [TS]

  blue turtles [TS]

  it was one of those another one of those [TS]

  bruce willis moments where in the i [TS]

  think i want to say I'm probably get [TS]

  this wrong but my memory of it is the in [TS]

  the introductory paragraph where the [TS]

  over rider wants to establish the scene [TS]

  I think he was in bare feet and he had a [TS]

  yellow legal pad beeping there's a copy [TS]

  of Lolita sitting around of course you [TS]

  know right he's read a book and a [TS]

  rhyming dictionary and in retrospect [TS]

  that seems kind of important think about [TS]

  that think about the political solution [TS]

  the troubled evolution the faith and [TS]

  constitution the bloody revolution alone [TS]

  you're absolutely right he's rhyming [TS]

  tion John John John yeah yeah and yeah I [TS]

  was always your example was uh oh [TS]

  whatever whatever it was from from [TS]

  synchronicity of synchronicity one [TS]

  synchronicity one right the well I mean [TS]

  every imperceptible inexpressible since [TS]

  insusceptible see I think he can do I [TS]

  think he tries too hard i think you know [TS]

  we talked about the sauruses this rie [TS]

  not too long ago like I think he tries [TS]

  way too hard I think he's trying to jam [TS]

  a lot of fakes mark in into a rock song [TS]

  and then he realized that that was he [TS]

  was above that [TS]

  yeah well this was the problem with me [TS]

  and my early career when I was up [TS]

  against some other indie rockers who [TS]

  were using big words and was I was [TS]

  coming up short people are saying I [TS]

  can't belong winners are you know it's [TS]

  smart indie-rock kind of in the family [TS]

  of these others really smart indie [TS]

  rockers like X Y Z all whom I knew to be [TS]

  stings they were all stings [TS]

  they're all saying inexpressible [TS]

  imperceptible insusceptible arab boy and [TS]

  I was mad all the time can put my last [TS]

  big black i'm not mad anymore you don't [TS]

  write about Dickens at all pirates part [TS]

  music right now now [TS]

  ok not saying anybody specifically just [TS]

  saying that is you know that's a true [TS]

  that is a kind of it's a genre that [TS]

  music lighter writers like to put [TS]

  musicians that right lyrics that are [TS]

  complete sentences they like to put them [TS]

  all together [TS]

  let's say these are the ones these are [TS]

  the musicians who write complete [TS]

  sentences right they are a type [TS]

  there's onra and I was so mad because [TS]

  you know there are a lot i can use a lot [TS]

  of 11 sent words but I but they don't [TS]

  belong the song lyrics I don't think [TS]

  come on in susceptible [TS]

  yeah and that's just you know what I'm [TS]

  thinking now I mean I'm trying to keep [TS]

  up with the conversation even as my [TS]

  brain churns on on police lyrics but you [TS]

  know the final and I'm talking about you [TS]

  you must have had this with certain [TS]

  bands we're in the case of the police [TS]

  like I lost my virginity listening to [TS]

  the police [TS]

  I feel that way about fresh prince you [TS]

  jazzy jeff & as in parents just don't [TS]

  understand that first DJ jazzy jeff & [TS]

  Friends Fresh Prince record which I mean [TS]

  I think the entire career of of Will [TS]

  Smith is in in a in a way indefensible [TS]

  it is not the entire thing [TS]

  well I've musically out like I don't [TS]

  think you could go i don't think you [TS]

  could go like take his whole catalog and [TS]

  make a playlist out of it and be proud [TS]

  of yourself man i don't mean to bust [TS]

  your bubble but there are ways of the [TS]

  world ain't nothin but trouble [TS]

  mm that's a pretty tight Jam a 12 inch [TS]

  of that but i can go i can do the entire [TS]

  parents just don't understand start to [TS]

  finish [TS]

  yeah and every time you know somewhere [TS]

  about three-quarters of the way down I [TS]

  start to feel like I'm about to lose my [TS]

  virginity again you know and start [TS]

  having flashbacks it's a so that the [TS]

  fresh prince is like your trigger word [TS]

  yeah that's right i feel i all of a [TS]

  sudden i'm at a sex on the beach party [TS]

  and there are a bunch of girls that have [TS]

  their their bangs spray-painted into [TS]

  these giants like rocks of Gibraltar [TS]

  still listening to that [TS]

  30 it's interesting haha that was my can [TS]

  reach me [TS]

  thanks uh but yeah you know big banks [TS]

  and then there's this one girl across [TS]

  the room who's bangs are unadulterated [TS]

  and I was like who is that girl every [TS]

  other girl in this place has teased her [TS]

  hair she had natural banks and she just [TS]

  had left was letting her hair just be [TS]

  like she washed it and then she probably [TS]

  put some conditioner in it and it was it [TS]

  was black hair and it was just sort of [TS]

  hanging down curly I was like what's [TS]

  going on with this girl no hair product [TS]

  and at the at the time that seems like [TS]

  almost all most stuff of the highest [TS]

  endorsement you could give a person that [TS]

  is that is punk rock in its way and our [TS]

  listeners who are certainly younger than [TS]

  us will not remember this but in the [TS]

  time I think you're talking about [TS]

  I I used to I think this is in parlance [TS]

  hair muffins like like you would have [TS]

  these things that involve usually moose [TS]

  and then in girls usually like a curling [TS]

  iron and then they would produce this [TS]

  puffy pastry of hair [TS]

  wrecked yeah I mean two coaches a bear I [TS]

  mean most most of the women at the time [TS]

  had three different haircuts amended to [TS]

  but but the women the women you know you [TS]

  get like a perm right firm you get a [TS]

  perm [TS]

  step one step one come on you gotta find [TS]

  her and I'm step two is you iron flat [TS]

  your front hair right and then you [TS]

  curling iron it into a muffin [TS]

  yeah yeah I mean it looks almost like [TS]

  like half a fountain and what their real [TS]

  delicate and have to be maintained right [TS]

  humidity you know and then you couple [TS]

  that with high waisted jeans actually [TS]

  got like an esprit like striped top of [TS]

  this leaves us breathe that says spread [TS]

  across the top races sleeveless [TS]

  sleeveless sweatshirt I with jeans that [TS]

  maybe have have like a proto finish of [TS]

  the flaps you know acid wash [TS]

  I think those off yeah color color new [TS]

  new new style color finish and and then [TS]

  choose i'm going to say pink pumps or [TS]

  candies candies candies usually the the [TS]

  cancer little short in the electric [TS]

  ankle [TS]

  you could also have been stirrup pants [TS]

  yes I'm like this was this was what we [TS]

  had to deal with you me Merlin during [TS]

  during it is primary our primary like [TS]

  art sexual burgeoning are blooming and [TS]

  women were dressed almost universally [TS]

  young women were dressed like they were [TS]

  climbing out of a clown car in that in [TS]

  that james bond movie where a where he [TS]

  goes to the circus in and transfer Roger [TS]

  Moore is a clown yeah [TS]

  roger moore dresses up like a clown ate [TS]

  that seen what an undignified seen it [TS]

  was such a terrible movie and all of [TS]

  them and that's how that's how young [TS]

  girls dressed when we were teens [TS]

  attraction for like Roger Moore with [TS]

  giant giant coconut bones or and then [TS]

  there was this moment this moment I [TS]

  remember looking around one day and all [TS]

  the girls were wearing tight clothes and [TS]

  everybody looked great and I was like [TS]

  what the fuck [TS]

  oh you got you got to enrollment like [TS]

  that got taken away from you did not [TS]

  have that you miss that window your [TS]

  window opened into a spree [TS]

  I could never be 16 again and when I was [TS]

  16 I was being I was being shown through [TS]

  the efforts of my peers this completely [TS]

  ambiguous like sexuality this this this [TS]

  version of femininity that you couldn't [TS]

  possibly be attracted to you know [TS]

  underneath all of the gel and the acid [TS]

  wash and ill-fitting clothes there are [TS]

  young girls and you are a young boy you [TS]

  know you're attracted some through the [TS]

  haze but they were like they were it was [TS]

  like a it was like their fathers had all [TS]

  band together and devised the like from [TS]

  head to toe the best possible way to [TS]

  make them sexually unappealing [TS]

  I've been sitting here while you're [TS]

  finishing that excellent sentence I've [TS]

  been sitting here trying to come up with [TS]

  a funny example [TS]

  like what you might as well as dressed [TS]

  him up like Dennis the Menace was like [TS]

  you know what that would be totally [TS]

  fucking hot compared with the wings a [TS]

  little mr. Wilson [TS]

  I mean next door I mean that was hotter [TS]

  girls dressed like mr. Wilson that would [TS]

  be hot there if there's nothing less hot [TS]

  than acid-washed waist-high jeans [TS]

  yeah and-and-and like overdone [TS]

  overthought hair like Roman had earrings [TS]

  that look like lightning bolts not the [TS]

  brand but remember this like weird i'm [TS]

  not talking about like Nina cherry i'm [TS]

  talking about obviously like five years [TS]

  before that don't like the the geometry [TS]

  there's a lot of geometry there's a lot [TS]

  of angles lot of angles a lot of big big [TS]

  big big big big shoulders are God's [TS]

  chosen big shoulders [TS]

  what is what what who thought that that [TS]

  a good look at a sixteen-year-old girl [TS]

  would be a a jacket with giant shoulders [TS]

  it's like and and and and i was training [TS]

  my penis during this time to know what [TS]

  it liked to be able to function in the [TS]

  world [TS]

  hmm and I'm looking around and I'm like [TS]

  big shoulders geometric ear-rings like [TS]

  ill fitting pants stirrups sweatshirt [TS]

  does not add up John and I was just like [TS]

  what am I and then then across the room [TS]

  I see a girl who has not put any product [TS]

  in her hair and I'm like it's she's from [TS]

  another dimension she's from another [TS]

  time she's wearing she's wearing army [TS]

  pants and you know and I was and my [TS]

  course was set but what if everybody had [TS]

  just been dressing like normal people [TS]

  back in the eighties maybe my life would [TS]

  be totally different [TS]

  I remember my friend saying I came to [TS]

  school one time in a and just some [TS]

  clothes just some clothes some normal [TS]

  clothes and my friends like stage two in [TS]

  an intervention like a mini intervention [TS]

  in the hall and they're like dude are [TS]

  you immune to embarrassment [TS]

  why don't know what I'm sorry so what [TS]

  counts is like nor money with your usual [TS]

  kind of preppy Stan Smith look [TS]

  no I mean I'm wearing I was wearing some [TS]

  army pants that I got at the army-navy [TS]

  surplus [TS]

  door and I was wearing a shirt [TS]

  I don't know but it might have had that [TS]

  I went through a phase where i found a [TS]

  whole roll of stickers that were little [TS]

  rainy beers with legs remember the [TS]

  rainier beers now that I think it's a [TS]

  exclusively like Washington State things [TS]

  rainier beers that use that they do the [TS]

  commercial where there were a bunch of [TS]

  giant rainier beers that had legs and [TS]

  they like we're running through the [TS]

  forest and the gun your goal as the [TS]

  consumer was to was to chase these wild [TS]

  reindeers fucking get the dts on pop up [TS]

  and you're like the reindeers and needs [TS]

  somebody see them and then maybe alway [TS]

  across a meadow and then they would run [TS]

  into the woods and you'd be like give [TS]

  them the reindeers was it animated no no [TS]

  they were live there but that's chilling [TS]

  out live-action full-size rainier beers [TS]

  down the houses and so they made [TS]

  somebody made a bunch of stickers that [TS]

  were like actually fabric little fabric [TS]

  rainier beers with legs [TS]

  oh I think that the community they look [TS]

  almost like patches but you can have my [TS]

  patches but they're stickers right and [TS]

  and so all my friends had alligators on [TS]

  their shirts and so this shirt might [TS]

  have had a Rainier beer in place is [TS]

  helping you when you meet the free bang [TS]

  bang lady this is just this day in high [TS]

  school when I was wearing army pants and [TS]

  maybe it does look at charts courage [TS]

  maybe the polo shirt that might have had [TS]

  a Rainier beer instead of an alligator [TS]

  and these guys were like you are [TS]

  humiliating us they did like a every [TS]

  near intervention [TS]

  it was a little bit like a scene from [TS]

  pretty in pink like um John really how [TS]

  you are you gonna be going to like be a [TS]

  loser or are you going to get with the [TS]

  program and that the phrase they used [TS]

  was immune to embarrassment [TS]

  are you immune to embarrassment if you [TS]

  send out signals that you don't want to [TS]

  fit in and and and yet you know there [TS]

  was across the room [TS]

  this girl with her hair down and she [TS]

  probably was just wearing some normal [TS]

  tennis shoes [TS]

  I mean we wouldn't we look we look like [TS]

  you say that like that's a small [TS]

  in this girl probably looked like the [TS]

  only two but by today's standards we [TS]

  would be the only two normal people if [TS]

  you look at it what if they made a movie [TS]

  about it right you would look at the at [TS]

  me and this girl and you'd be like oh [TS]

  there's two people that they forgot to [TS]

  put in costume i was watching the great [TS]

  American classic hot tub time machine [TS]

  last night and of course they get all [TS]

  caught there's two kinds of people in [TS]

  the world will probably five but but [TS]

  there's hangover people on the top of [TS]

  Time Machine people and I am definitely [TS]

  in the better group hot tub time machine [TS]

  oh it's a far superior movie and but you [TS]

  know that they play super fast and loose [TS]

  with the references like you wouldn't [TS]

  have safety dance and like those in [TS]

  excess songs in the same period [TS]

  whatever-it-was p90x 47 but i think they [TS]

  kind of nailed in the production design [TS]

  the kind of nailed a lot of the look [TS]

  because it really was that stupid [TS]

  I mean you know by the time it was in [TS]

  the early to mid nineties the eighties [TS]

  seemed much more David than seventies my [TS]

  god i'm now looking back whatever you [TS]

  know 25 30 years later it's it's [TS]

  ridiculous and here's but even tennis [TS]

  shoes like you have to have a certain [TS]

  girls have a certain kind of kids but [TS]

  they didn't wear kids if you were going [TS]

  to wear kids if you're gonna wear tennis [TS]

  shoes you have to work heads unless [TS]

  you're like running track but otherwise [TS]

  you'd wear like these weird flats but [TS]

  those weird like white shoes everybody [TS]

  like Daisy Duck yeah okay so anyway was [TS]

  not a fresh i had read boat shoes but I [TS]

  like a like a sperry top-sider yeah but [TS]

  they were red [TS]

  I had that top-siders where they read [TS]

  their brownish right and so when it was [TS]

  fresh friends playing when you saw her [TS]

  was I it wasn't if you leave doesn't [TS]

  play you know you never know it [TS]

  here's the thing you may not know about [TS]

  me I lost my virginity a little bit late [TS]

  I was not a sixteen-year-old I was not a [TS]

  fifteen-year-old I remember I dated a [TS]

  girl one time who was who told me her [TS]

  big like loser virginity story about how [TS]

  she and her longtime boyfriend who had [TS]

  long black hair to the to his belt [TS]

  we're running a field of flowers or [TS]

  something I mean shit this girl like [TS]

  with at the time I thought she was [TS]

  hallucinating when she talked about she [TS]

  had this virtue of that identity this [TS]

  idea of herself that she lost her [TS]

  virginity and field of flowers with [TS]

  their 15-year old [TS]

  but one true love later on she was [TS]

  looking at the singer from Soundgarden [TS]

  do you play exactly look like chris [TS]

  cornell later on she told me that hurt [TS]

  the boy she was dating right before me [TS]

  was a heroin act who rode his motorcycle [TS]

  up the stairs of their house in San [TS]

  Francisco they're leaving their Nob Hill [TS]

  victorian that they were squatting in [TS]

  rode his motorcycle up the stairs and [TS]

  then she and he and some other girl made [TS]

  passionate love all night together and [TS]

  it was the freest any of them had ever [TS]

  been is before livejournal yeah and then [TS]

  and then she and I are going out and I'm [TS]

  like well I work at a pizza parlor and [TS]

  nicely and understand i don't and [TS]

  physics scientists and motorcycles [TS]

  dunkel narrow steps we both work in a [TS]

  pizza parlor and i'm having a hard time [TS]

  squaring that away with all of these [TS]

  amazing stories are told you that at the [TS]

  time [TS]

  well know at the time every time i read [TS]

  an interview with kurt cobain in the [TS]

  newspaper where he said that he just [TS]

  wrote all the lyrics to nevermind on the [TS]

  bus on the way to the studio I took at [TS]

  face value and i took this girl at face [TS]

  value i was like wow your last boyfriend [TS]

  was a heroin addict who rode his [TS]

  motorcycle up the stairs of your knob [TS]

  hill mansion and any during that and you [TS]

  know I i had enough sense that i could [TS]

  think back what surely you know that [TS]

  wasn't only six months ago before she [TS]

  left San Francisco and six months ago in [TS]

  my own personal timeline i was sleeping [TS]

  in a ford aerostar parked in a carport [TS]

  and i was i was scraping people's bones [TS]

  for a living and I'm like well then why [TS]

  are you going out with me and she was [TS]

  you know she kind of look look out the [TS]

  window and say I'm not even sure and i'd [TS]

  be like man I feel I feel like the [TS]

  pressures on here to be the worst [TS]

  boyfriend you ever had [TS]

  I really I really feel like she's almost [TS]

  daring you [TS]

  yeah I feel like you are you are really [TS]

  you want to see you want to see a guy [TS]

  right as motorcycle up the stairs of [TS]

  your house [TS]

  I'm gonna do you one better I'm gonna [TS]

  write them up my motorcycle up the [TS]

  stairs of your heart [TS]

  man but you know you're so I mean like I [TS]

  i was so susceptible to stuff like that [TS]

  maybe just maybe just because I was [TS]

  insecure but it was so easy for me to be [TS]

  drawn in to something like that regular [TS]

  low [TS]

  yea though you know if you could tell me [TS]

  anything the craziest stories and [TS]

  because i was so provincial I would sit [TS]

  there wrapped you know what I mean yeah [TS]

  for sure you know you meet people who [TS]

  work in the service industry and talk [TS]

  about their boat or whatever and you're [TS]

  like wow that sounds like an awesome [TS]

  vote [TS]

  yeah when you leave 7-eleven at the end [TS]

  of your shift must be great to go [TS]

  yachting around the pathologist's Cody [TS]

  river [TS]

  yeah that that whole but the braggadocio [TS]

  is is one thing that at a certain point [TS]

  you realize like all the guys that you [TS]

  were sitting around with in high school [TS]

  who are telling you about the remote [TS]

  control helicopter that they built that [TS]

  could fire real missiles you realize [TS]

  that there they were bullshitting the [TS]

  whole time and yet when you when you're [TS]

  getting that kind of your getting that [TS]

  kind of flim-flam from a girl that [TS]

  you're interested in and she's [TS]

  flimflamming you about the time she lost [TS]

  her virginity when she was 15 and field [TS]

  of flowers with chris cornell you're [TS]

  like this that is the female equivalent [TS]

  of i built a remote-control uh [TS]

  helicopter over the summer that fire [TS]

  drill missiles and I killed a cat with [TS]

  it or something like it's the same level [TS]

  of bullshit but yeah I but I was not I [TS]

  was not prepared for it but on a [TS]

  practical level even today like if you [TS]

  had a liquidity event in mind you would [TS]

  still play along today I mean maybe you [TS]

  as the estimate or John Roderick [TS]

  wouldn't need that liquidity event [TS]

  enough and you would go home to your [TS]

  brow Playboy's but I think back then you [TS]

  would go whoa this is a you know this is [TS]

  dangerous and like even if it's BS it's [TS]

  pretty great PS yeah it's a there's a [TS]

  little bit of like whatever you say miss [TS]

  but in my own case my own peculiar route [TS]

  through life I i was busy trying to [TS]

  reform girls for most of my teenage [TS]

  years huh [TS]

  when they would when they would come to [TS]

  me and say like [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  have you ever kissed a girl behind the [TS]

  gym and I would look around and we would [TS]

  happen to be standing behind the gym and [TS]

  I would it would register like what she [TS]

  was doing like the instinctively what I [TS]

  would say is oh you don't you don't [TS]

  really wanna kiss me [TS]

  I think you're I think what you want is [TS]

  to be friends maybe or to have have the [TS]

  respect of a of oh you still stand very [TS]

  qualities don't faze we're talking about [TS]

  your you are helping people in a [TS]

  different way than I was helping people [TS]

  and I was like that kind of gender in [TS]

  normative Pygmalion yeah i was i was [TS]

  killing them softly with my lack of song [TS]

  and so anyhow it did mention first of [TS]

  all you know i'm guessing most girls at [TS]

  that age that took some balls [TS]

  well the pulse it took some took some [TS]

  guts to say I'm like that to a guy [TS]

  behind the gym you just have to ask [TS]

  unless they're fast they were and then [TS]

  maybe then they would look they would [TS]

  look mortified and they would try and [TS]

  play it off like they had been that they [TS]

  have been kidding or whatever and then [TS]

  it would be awkward between us remember [TS]

  forever after so anyway I did not lose [TS]

  my virginity until I was almost 20 years [TS]

  old 19 and three quarters and even then [TS]

  it was just because I happen to be at [TS]

  this party I like I had no intention of [TS]

  losing my virginity [TS]

  I didn't realize that that was the thing [TS]

  that I was gonna have to choose to do i [TS]

  was out there in your like that night [TS]

  when you are preparing and like putting [TS]

  on deodorant choosing a shirt he didn't [TS]

  like have that in mind [TS]

  well in fact that day I had gone four [TS]

  wheeling in a national park with a [TS]

  friend of mine and had gotten arrested [TS]

  and I've got arrested and then when the [TS]

  and I was arrested by by national parks [TS]

  employee a humiliating but no by well no [TS]

  I mean those national parks guys I mean [TS]

  he's a gun carrying Oh national parks [TS]

  cop is a start that's right he is a is [TS]

  literally a ranger [TS]

  a ranger in the in the lord of the ring [TS]

  sense etiquette and he arrested me [TS]

  partly because i was so baked that I got [TS]

  out of my truck and I turned the locking [TS]

  hubs on my four-wheel-drive truck but I [TS]

  had since I had been so drunk the night [TS]

  before that I had had turned the hubs [TS]

  and so I turned them off I I unplucked [TS]

  the hub's thinking I was hooking them [TS]

  and then I was four wheeling and I but I [TS]

  wasn't in four-wheel drive and so I got [TS]

  my truck stuck and then the national [TS]

  park ranger came and arrested me for [TS]

  four wheeling in a national park and [TS]

  then he searched me and he found that I [TS]

  was covered in drugs and they pulled out [TS]

  and so anyway my friend my good friend [TS]

  Peter who sometimes listen to this [TS]

  podcast he was Peter was videotaping the [TS]

  entire arrest home now and at a certain [TS]

  point the park ranger pulls a pipe out [TS]

  of my pocket that I had made out of a [TS]

  ski pole so it was very look it's like a [TS]

  peace pipe it was like a foot and a half [TS]

  long made out of a a made out of a ski [TS]

  pole did you have it on your person [TS]

  added in my large jacket I a large [TS]

  gore-tex jacket that had many of [TS]

  multiple pockets and he certainly is [TS]

  frisky me found this thing you pulled it [TS]

  out and on the videotape you can see him [TS]

  hold it up and look at it and look at me [TS]

  and look back at the pipe just like what [TS]

  the and then he goes to break it over [TS]

  his knee but the pipe is made of [TS]

  aluminum and it's just it's just that on [TS]

  the video it's on the video it's just [TS]

  short enough that he that he goes to [TS]

  break across his knee and it and it [TS]

  didn't even been he just like he just [TS]

  cream disney with this thing and then [TS]

  they can look at them and I made him so [TS]

  mad that he handcuffed me and he put me [TS]

  in the back of his of his blazer and [TS]

  drove me down off of this mountain drove [TS]

  me down to one so actually where sarah [TS]

  palin is from with my friend Peter [TS]

  following behind in the in my truck [TS]

  video taping the whole out of here [TS]

  videotaped it and got out of the whole [TS]

  thing unscathed Peter Peter thing about [TS]

  Peters he was like he was my Teflon [TS]

  friend [TS]

  Peter and I could be standing next to a [TS]

  burning building and Peter would have [TS]

  the gas can in his hand and a cop walk [TS]

  up and arrest me and Peter be like okay [TS]

  Johnny boy all Billy out when i get the [TS]

  you know out so i gave Peter my my ATM [TS]

  card i right he took the ATM car and [TS]

  went and bought himself dinner before he [TS]

  got the money out to bail me out and get [TS]

  respect for you and clear with him about [TS]

  what the card was 40 he videotaped [TS]

  himself having dinner here and then the [TS]

  you know he's like a loving this [TS]

  sandwich thanks a lot Johnny boy and [TS]

  he's like he's doing it as a left as [TS]

  like a you know that was the kind of [TS]

  that kind of sport we played on one [TS]

  another but then he saw it so I'm I'm [TS]

  like nobody knows wasting away in this [TS]

  jail ain't got you get super drunk one [TS]

  night you were high and four wheeling [TS]

  international park that day you got [TS]

  arrested [TS]

  yeah and then so Peter finally comes he [TS]

  bails me out of jail now it's like I [TS]

  don't know what time it is still ten [TS]

  eleven o'clock at night and we're all [TS]

  the way out in Wasilla and we know about [TS]

  this party that is literally called a [TS]

  sex on the beach party you mean as in [TS]

  the the mixed drink mixed drink because [TS]

  the girls that are throwing the party or [TS]

  like hehe sex on the beach we're making [TS]

  these drinks and so Peter and I Drive to [TS]

  the sex on the beach party may just [TS]

  freshly sprung from jail and and [TS]

  relieved of all my pot and other drugs [TS]

  by the Ranger and we roll up into this [TS]

  party and it's all these girls with the [TS]

  stirrup pants and the high hair and then [TS]

  there's this girl across the room with [TS]

  black curly hair and no product in it [TS]

  and I was like hmm what do you know [TS]

  there's a girl here like me and little [TS]

  by little everybody else you know it's [TS]

  four o'clock in the morning and [TS]

  everybody else has passed out or you [TS]

  know vomiting in the driveway or [TS]

  whatever and she and I are like kind of [TS]

  the last men standing and fresh prince [TS]

  is playing [TS]

  and she says something to me and I [TS]

  remember you know we're sitting on the [TS]

  couch and I'd and I turned and you don't [TS]

  know how old i am 19 years old I mean I [TS]

  come on [TS]

  right i turned her and I wrap some fresh [TS]

  prince center and like a rap along with [TS]

  the record but you happen to know and [TS]

  that is me night and she was not 19 I [TS]

  think she was 17 and she got a look on [TS]

  her face that was not impressed but that [TS]

  this is then this is most of the girls [TS]

  that I've slept with in my life they get [TS]

  a look on their face that is not [TS]

  impressed but that thinks that's pretty [TS]

  cute [TS]

  you made an impression yeah and then and [TS]

  then when I lost my virginity to her and [TS]

  it was very definitely a case where I [TS]

  don't I don't think she was a virgin at [TS]

  all and I think that she didn't think I [TS]

  was either so I was you know I was under [TS]

  a little bit of pressure to pretend that [TS]

  I was not pretend that this was not like [TS]

  compass singular moment [TS]

  did you know that you been in jail that [TS]

  day I mean at that point I'm pretty sure [TS]

  was the first thing Peter said when we [TS]

  walked in the door of the party but he [TS]

  doesn't have a tape of you guys have [TS]

  intercourse right well he did he does [TS]

  have a tape of himself barging into the [TS]

  room the following morning and waking us [TS]

  up tangled up in her bed videotaping us [TS]

  and saying like wake up Johnny boy and [TS]

  IIT may jump he made up on the bed i'm [TS]

  not sure if this was you know this was [TS]

  this is what kids have been doing for [TS]

  thousands of years and pretty sure [TS]

  Peters real someone else my club things [TS]

  it i know for a fact that he's real [TS]

  yeah the the number of you know Peter [TS]

  and I met he went to a different high [TS]

  school than i did he went to West Bank [TS]

  which is called the good ozzy osbourne [TS]

  one that's right i went to East [TS]

  Anchorage high school it was the [TS]

  low-rent of the two original high [TS]

  schools West West was the first high [TS]

  school in Anchorage and the people want [TS]

  their thought that they were going to [TS]

  the Yale of public high schools of [TS]

  anchor like they really did they acted [TS]

  like they were stay with somebody [TS]

  special [TS]

  and Peter Peter I went to different high [TS]

  schools we barely knew each other we [TS]

  knew each other from like some student [TS]

  congress a event or something but hardly [TS]

  just like a boy state kind of thing [TS]

  yeah boise state right that's everything [TS]

  we met we met there but didn't didn't [TS]

  know each other and then I was [TS]

  hitchhiking across the country and after [TS]

  high school and I was up at middlebury [TS]

  college visiting a guy another guy [TS]

  didn't know and those guys kicked me out [TS]

  and he said you should go down to [TS]

  rutgers my friend Peters going there and [TS]

  I had checked down to represent just [TS]

  barged in on him and ended up staying in [TS]

  his dorm room for like three weeks and [TS]

  then we were we were we've been friends [TS]

  ever since [TS]

  and please have you kept in touch that [TS]

  whole time yeah yeah the number of the [TS]

  number of events the number of of like [TS]

  adventures that he and I went on in a in [TS]

  a you know very brief like four year [TS]

  period where neither of us were really [TS]

  living in the same place most of the [TS]

  time but every time we were together we [TS]

  would go on some kind of singular and [TS]

  went to Europe together we went we lived [TS]

  in washington DC together like we did a [TS]

  lot of we did a lot of things peter is a [TS]

  easy an adventurous guy and a good [TS]

  friend although the type of going to a [TS]

  that will take your credit card and by [TS]

  himself dinner while you are like [TS]

  languishing in jail i think it you know [TS]

  can just say this if you have been if [TS]

  he's finished bailing you out and you [TS]

  edited the tape down you know I'd go [TS]

  enjoy a sandwich but you know what John [TS]

  first I mean it is your card that's not [TS]

  how he that's not how you roles he was [TS]

  he let you know when i'm sitting in [TS]

  there like and that the sheriff is kind [TS]

  of like running is under his keys up and [TS]

  down there the bars like so looks like [TS]

  your friends split on you so it was it [TS]

  was bailed out you have to still you [TS]

  know it doesn't derail it [TS]

  no I had to go back and deal i had to [TS]

  deal with the crime but now you have a [TS]

  little experience I you know I got two [TS]

  thoughts on this first of all like isn't [TS]

  in retrospect if what you're saying is [TS]

  even forty percent accurate and i'm sure [TS]

  it is that you have a great memory but [TS]

  you know it isn't pretty bananas like [TS]

  after I look in my case I'll speak for [TS]

  myself [TS]

  speaking for you to but like months can [TS]

  go by and did not that much really [TS]

  happens but there's not that many things [TS]

  where you go I've got a pretty crazy [TS]

  story about the day i looked at youtube [TS]

  or whatever and but think that it [TS]

  doesn't seem so strange in retrospect [TS]

  maybe the intensity of the memory that [TS]

  like you could have so much happenin 48 [TS]

  hours does not seem crazy in retrospect [TS]

  yeah well and and particularly i mean [TS]

  when i was 20 years old I could tell you [TS]

  the top 10 times I was closest to death [TS]

  and every one of those every one of [TS]

  those stories would have been like what [TS]

  no way seriously like to add 10 good [TS]

  stories about like hanging by my [TS]

  fingernails and now 24 years later like [TS]

  eight of my top 10 best stories about [TS]

  being close to death rir the same as [TS]

  they were when i was 20 [TS]

  well that seems good kind of I mean [TS]

  wasn't it a kind of does but you know i [TS]

  put i put most of those stories together [TS]

  between the time i was 15 and 20 min [TS]

  five years and it's been five years I [TS]

  mean in the last five years I've been [TS]

  mean in the last five years I've been [TS]

  I've been working on this macaroni [TS]

  macaroni art here and as it's still not [TS]

  done it's all spread over the spread [TS]

  over the floor of my office here making [TS]

  kind of a macaroni George Washington you [TS]

  know good things take time [TS]

  I'll tell ya but I'm not going to tell [TS]

  that story five years from now on fast [TS]

  die young a lot what's crazy is there a [TS]

  lot of people who died over those [TS]

  adventures when they're 22 or 23 or 17 [TS]

  you know who died and then he says he [TS]

  doesn't kind of seemed like the odds [TS]

  that that's that's the thing is like [TS]

  anymore when you're saying all of this [TS]

  it that's it kind of blows my mind given [TS]

  so like you're just saying like eight of [TS]

  your 10 best stories are from like 420 [TS]

  like it's it doesn't seem destined to be [TS]

  morose [TS]

  oh yeah yeah i said my bad sex stories [TS]

  right look for later but i'm not a [TS]

  librarian but but yeah I'm doesn't seem [TS]

  kind of crazy that like given the the [TS]

  curve the trajectory that you are on [TS]

  like I don't know a must [TS]

  I don't know it must seem pretty weird [TS]

  that like that you would make it out of [TS]

  that [TS]

  well it's it it is a it's it's one of [TS]

  the reasons that a lot of the [TS]

  hand-wringing that goes into talking [TS]

  about teens and the culture that we are [TS]

  raising teens in and how morally [TS]

  bankrupt it is and how video games cause [TS]

  violence and how you know we're not [TS]

  teaching our kids the right sexual [TS]

  politics and all this stuff in and and [TS]

  that that that consumes a big part of [TS]

  our national dialogue and the reality is [TS]

  that i mean seventeen-year-olds have a [TS]

  kind of death wish you can tell your kid [TS]

  every day not to not to hang his head [TS]

  out of the sunroof and try and drive his [TS]

  car with his feet at a hundred and ten [TS]

  miles an hour but right now somewhere in [TS]

  America that's happening half a dozen [TS]

  times there's some kid right now driving [TS]

  his car with his feet a hundred miles an [TS]

  hour with the headlights off on a dirt [TS]

  road and you can talk about it being [TS]

  part of the culture or his parents [TS]

  didn't raise him writer any one of a [TS]

  million things in it and it's really [TS]

  none of those things it's just I mean [TS]

  I've told you right when they have that [TS]

  when they instituted the three-strikes [TS]

  law up here in Washington I would open [TS]

  the newspaper and read these articles [TS]

  about like how this kid 24 years old [TS]

  just got sentenced to life in prison [TS]

  because he had his third strike and i [TS]

  would read the description of the three [TS]

  strikes and I'm just like man I have [TS]

  done every one of those things i did all [TS]

  three of those strikes worse than that [TS]

  kid and I just didn't get pot and it's [TS]

  not that I didn't get caught because I [TS]

  was smart or faster [TS]

  I just didn't get caught they're just [TS]

  didn't happen to be a sheriff driving by [TS]

  or they didn't happen to be you know I [TS]

  missed the phone poll by a hair's [TS]

  breadth reason you even look at that and [TS]

  you see yourself but realize it was just [TS]

  kind of dumb luck [TS]

  absolutely i mean yeah you read those [TS]

  three strikes I mean they don't they [TS]

  don't prosecute people that same way [TS]

  anymore but you read these three strikes [TS]

  laws and it's like the first strike was [TS]

  he was 17 and he stole his grandmother's [TS]

  car and joy riding it [TS]

  he rekted and to teach him a lesson [TS]

  his grandmother press charges and they [TS]

  try him as an adult because he he had [TS]

  already gotten into some trouble smoking [TS]

  pot in school and every person in that [TS]

  chain didn't do it mean this they did it [TS]

  out of thinking that it was gonna set [TS]

  this kit straight [TS]

  yeah and then he think absolutely his [TS]

  second strike was a [TS]

  breaking-and-entering because he and [TS]

  some friends were drunk and her out in [TS]

  the woods and they broke into a cabin [TS]

  and stole some liquor out of the liquor [TS]

  cabinet but the neighbor down the road [TS]

  saw light on in the cabin and called the [TS]

  troopers and the troopers came and they [TS]

  were too drunk to run and so that's his [TS]

  second strike but they prosecuted it as [TS]

  a breaking-and-entering because his dad [TS]

  wasn't a lawyer and he you know and he [TS]

  got nine months in jail which he served [TS]

  and then he got out and then his third [TS]

  strike was that he was selling ecstasy [TS]

  and he's 21 years old he was selling [TS]

  ecstasy at a rave and he sold ecstasy to [TS]

  some 16 year olds and he was 21 and it [TS]

  was a felony charge and that's his third [TS]

  strike and gets life in prison and I and [TS]

  I read and there's so many articles like [TS]

  that are there were we just run down the [TS]

  list and you're like to think there was [TS]

  no he never even fired a gun in the air [TS]

  like there was no he never burn anything [TS]

  down [TS]

  he never led police on a chase I mean [TS]

  all three times it was just like pretty [TS]

  much falls in the category of what to me [TS]

  at least at the time seemed like [TS]

  innocent hijinks like call you broke [TS]

  into a mountain cabin come on who hasn't [TS]

  done that a thousand times but wasn't [TS]

  like it was like three hostage [TS]

  situations or three like bombings or [TS]

  something only even yeah like no one [TS]

  ever got hurt and it was and it was like [TS]

  some low-level minorly drug shit some [TS]

  minor league like breaking and entering [TS]

  I mean come on I I broke and entered [TS]

  into a lot of places and never took [TS]

  anything other than like a bowl of ice [TS]

  cream and half of the time i left a note [TS]

  but like I needed a place to sleep for a [TS]

  minute it was a mountain cabin I was out [TS]

  that was between that was between beds [TS]

  or whatever there's a million reasons [TS]

  why you might find yourself living in a [TS]

  shotgun Shack [TS]

  you might find yourself in another part [TS]

  of the world and and every one of those [TS]

  you know the number of cars that i [TS]

  borrowed and maybe got high centered on [TS]

  a stump outside of Golden Colorado [TS]

  hypothetically or Horton AP you know ran [TS]

  into some wetlands and and in a lot of [TS]

  cases like either either kind of got [TS]

  away with it or didn't or didn't get [TS]

  prosecuted for it and all that stuff [TS]

  it's just crazy let alone the kids that [TS]

  were doing that and Cygnus that is agony [TS]

  and died you know that I've told you [TS]

  about the friend of mine who was in left [TS]

  a party and cutting through backyards [TS]

  top defense and got his pants caught on [TS]

  the on the fence and couldn't get his [TS]

  parents are dislodged and and passed out [TS]

  and froze to death what it's like he's a [TS]

  he's a friend of mine and they found him [TS]

  in the morning likes frozen solid [TS]

  hang on this fence by his belt loop and [TS]

  you're in you must be thinking like [TS]

  you've done so much stupider with my [TS]

  awfully stupid stuff in there come on i [TS]

  mean like you know like we used to climb [TS]

  up here and as another thing my print my [TS]

  buddy Peter and I used to climb up on [TS]

  the second story of this cabin that was [TS]

  surrounded by logged area and we would [TS]

  jump off the second story of this cabin [TS]

  and um and like just three fall [TS]

  face-first and land in the snow [TS]

  what from like but like 15 20 feet up [TS]

  I mean you have the the peak of a [TS]

  two-story cabin so God and you know we [TS]

  would like swan dive but there were [TS]

  which is like okay sure there's five [TS]

  feet of snow and and and we had none of [TS]

  us ever got hurt but all around this [TS]

  cabin there were stumps just like tree [TS]

  stumps and we never landed on one but [TS]

  you wouldn't know i mean the snow was [TS]

  just deep enough that you wouldn't know [TS]

  where the tree stumps were so [TS]

  you jump off the roof of the cabin and [TS]

  and when I what about the time that you [TS]

  just land chest first on a 3-inch tree [TS]

  stump or something but again it's [TS]

  another kind of dumb lock stupid just [TS]

  stupid locked and the so so I mean the [TS]

  number of the the top ten times that I [TS]

  could have died all those good stories [TS]

  involve actual motorcycle crashes floor [TS]

  like freight train high jinks or gunplay [TS]

  like bad scenes where hilariously I [TS]

  avoid dying but but the shit where you [TS]

  just were just like hopping over a fence [TS]

  in the middle of the winner or write or [TS]

  uh we were to know sharing across a [TS]

  frozen lake one time and the lake [TS]

  started to break like started to go and [TS]

  we were running and the and the to the [TS]

  ice was heaving and like water was kind [TS]

  of chasing us across this lake and [TS]

  because we were on snowshoes we weren't [TS]

  we were staying up it didn't know it was [TS]

  a lake when you're crossing it [TS]

  oh yeah we know it was like two minutes [TS]

  yeah clearly the late feels different [TS]

  when you're walking on [TS]

  well there are no trees like you're [TS]

  walking through the forest and then you [TS]

  come to the an area that is that is like [TS]

  a frozen lake [TS]

  it looks it looks like a lake except [TS]

  it's frozen [TS]

  so while back because it's because it's [TS]

  a big lake and you're trying to get to [TS]

  the other side of it and it's already [TS]

  around you don't want to go around and [TS]

  and and you can walk across the frozen [TS]

  lake on snowshoes and it's not a problem [TS]

  except these are these situations like i [TS]

  was describing where we would land on a [TS]

  float plane for Lansky plan on the swamp [TS]

  because the swamp is generating all this [TS]

  methane and there and there's the [TS]

  springs are keeping them there at the [TS]

  lake never completely freezes and you [TS]

  can't tell one from the other and we're [TS]

  halfway across this thing you know when [TS]

  you're walking on frozen lakes the bank [TS]

  the crack you hear the cracking but it [TS]

  doesn't mean that you're going to fall [TS]

  through but in this case like it cracked [TS]

  and then big big panels started to move [TS]

  like we were on a piece of ice that was [TS]

  you know 50 feet across and it started [TS]

  to go and we're running for the edge and [TS]

  it starts to you know it starts to tilt [TS]

  and slide and we jump then hit the next [TS]

  section which starts to crack and break [TS]

  and stilton slide and the snowshoes are [TS]

  keeping us keeping us on top of the snow [TS]

  so we're not you know if we had just [TS]

  been in Boots it wouldn't we would have [TS]

  gone into this lake which is i I'm I'm [TS]

  not I'm not describing a very well [TS]

  because this lake was in the middle of [TS]

  nowhere it's you know it's a hundred [TS]

  miles from anywhere and if either of us [TS]

  any if we had gone in it would have been [TS]

  that would have been the end there's [TS]

  nobody there to rescue us and there was [TS]

  no they would never have found us you [TS]

  know what I mean you would have just [TS]

  gone in and under the ice and gone [TS]

  forever and so all that kind of stuff [TS]

  where you're like that doesn't even [TS]

  that's not even on the list of stories [TS]

  that's just like one that's just a day [TS]

  in the left but there are people who go [TS]

  out and never come back and and they're [TS]

  on a list of their own list of mysteries [TS]

  and it does give it does give one pause [TS]

  particularly particularly on the like [TS]

  400 consecutive day that I'm sitting in [TS]

  my computer looking bring a trailer calm [TS]

  and trying to imagine if I can fit into [TS]

  an alpha romão that I have earned this [TS]

  leisure by somehow surviving all these [TS]

  is your msn emeritus yeah yeah something [TS]

  that's right like i am a retired the [TS]

  retired director of the dumbass of [TS]

  American and I'm sitting in my dotage [TS]

  here just kind of squandering my my file [TS]

  my life squandering my adult life that [TS]

  all these amazing adventurous crazy kids [TS]

  are deprived of because they either died [TS]

  or in jail for shit that you know shit [TS]

  it was just just they just did when they [TS]

  should have zagged and I don't have any [TS]

  sense that i was saved for a reason or [TS]

  that i was at the problem that I [TS]

  survived because i was small it was it [TS]

  wasn't like there was one time you know [TS]

  we let some kind of like a clean and got [TS]

  the life and then one time you prayed [TS]

  and it turned out better than you'd [TS]

  hoped right and there's no fucking [TS]

  reason you're alive [TS]

  it's completely bananas when I mean I [TS]

  swear you open up the Sunday paper and [TS]

  there will be some article about a [TS]

  seventeen-year-old girl in a in a [TS]

  volkswagen cabriolet that our Father [TS]

  butter as a graduation present who along [TS]

  with three friends went off the road and [TS]

  they're thrown from the car and they're [TS]

  dead and you're just like yet what how [TS]

  does that how do you prevent that you [TS]

  don't I mean you cannot buy her a [TS]

  cabriolet so she does it in a minute [TS]

  used a honda civic or whatever it's just [TS]

  like some people don't make it look at [TS]

  the guy ran sound at the place where [TS]

  we're all over all of our bands played [TS]

  you know typical kind of local sound man [TS]

  in front of the owners and he's a party [TS]

  one night and he jumped off a diving [TS]

  board when there wasn't like water and [TS]

  then he got it was just from then on he [TS]

  was like in the Stephen Hawking [TS]

  situation like little the little chair [TS]

  with the battery and stuff and that you [TS]

  know not to be morose but I mean God I [TS]

  in retrospect I've done such high i'm [TS]

  not i'm a pykrete compare d like i have [TS]

  not played on the same level you're [TS]

  playing but like getting everybody who's [TS]

  under 25 does shit that will hair them [TS]

  just is a superb if they will blow your [TS]

  way that will make your scrote suck up [TS]

  into your body when you think about like [TS]

  how close you were [TS]

  and lets just hear the other thing and [TS]

  these are just the ones you know about [TS]

  setting aside the like you step off the [TS]

  curb and some idiot hits you but I mean [TS]

  like all the times where you like made [TS]

  some step that a even 30 year old person [TS]

  go what the fuck were you thinking [TS]

  yeah I mean we will have these in [TS]

  I i saw this article I don't know why I [TS]

  mishmash all these turns out articles [TS]

  but two things i remember reading the [TS]

  last year so one of them is that my [TS]

  shrink actually said this is like this [TS]

  kind of important middle part of your [TS]

  brain that doesn't really finish forming [TS]

  into your liking your mid-twenties m [TS]

  campus could be that's the little [TS]

  seahorse that lives that's where the [TS]

  hippos live it's one of the kids go to [TS]

  college i'm giving you a bell in my head [TS]

  my corpus callosum but ah but but you [TS]

  know you hear these turns out stories [TS]

  there was one of few months ago about [TS]

  the the fact that like teenagers are [TS]

  like not only are they kind of not done [TS]

  baking brain-wise but there's a certain [TS]

  you have to google this but there's a [TS]

  certain kind of chemistry that people in [TS]

  their teens have that kind of makes them [TS]

  take risks like your kind of hardwired [TS]

  to be a dumbass at a certain point it's [TS]

  kind of astonishing that anybody makes [TS]

  it long enough to lose their virginity [TS]

  let alone get arrested [TS]

  yeah I mean it's kind of a you know what [TS]

  I mean it's like if we didn't have all [TS]

  this great healthcare and airbags you [TS]

  know it's it seems that there would be a [TS]

  lot more of them and it's the same kind [TS]

  of thing that makes me maybe something [TS]

  that makes you want to join the army [TS]

  maybe it's kind of thing that makes you [TS]

  want to base jump like right now I guess [TS]

  it varies a lot but I mean it's like [TS]

  it's the first of its the fundamental [TS]

  like it's it's what so dichotomous about [TS]

  us is that we are so hard to kill [TS]

  and yet so easy to kill and it's one of [TS]

  the things that I let's profound about [TS]

  having a child is just like you [TS]

  you see how resilient of human being is [TS]

  like they're very hard to injure and yet [TS]

  at the same time you can turn around and [TS]

  and just one one false move all right i [TS]

  mean like my kid got away from me for 30 [TS]

  seconds a target last week and I almost [TS]

  lost my mind you know I mean I felt like [TS]

  such as such a weird helicopter dad but [TS]

  but I mean like like and I really don't [TS]

  sound glib about this but you know you [TS]

  think about God the horrible loss like [TS]

  to try drowning I don't know if you [TS]

  actually googled that but on the kind of [TS]

  horrible like a god you can never see it [TS]

  coming kind of thing that we will take a [TS]

  child's life but then you also think [TS]

  about like one [TS]

  guy who's like 22 or 23 like being kind [TS]

  of a funny [TS]

  hi jerk at a party and now like the the [TS]

  car key and part of it is he's going to [TS]

  live but he's gotta have a little straw [TS]

  and a chair with a battery [TS]

  yeah like for the next like 60 years [TS]

  yeah and it's like that's the part where [TS]

  like you know when I was getting like [TS]

  like a god [TS]

  you know I don't have many stories like [TS]

  yours not by a long shot but in [TS]

  retrospect a lot of things that given my [TS]

  background we're extremely close calls [TS]

  you know we're like getting busted and [TS]

  busted are almost busted for drinking or [TS]

  drugs and like I think about like how [TS]

  they could have been a little bit [TS]

  different you know justjust if that a [TS]

  gun just the slightest bit different you [TS]

  know let alone that like you know I was [TS]

  not a drinker driver I've never have [TS]

  been but you know like that kind of [TS]

  thing like you know you just hear these [TS]

  stories these chillin got this is [TS]

  entertaining because horribly chilling [TS]

  stories about somebody who's just a [TS]

  fucking kid and there and there being [TS]

  like us and then silly and they run [TS]

  through a stop sign and like you know I [TS]

  kill a sophomore with a promising future [TS]

  and I like trains like the rest of their [TS]

  life they're just going to what the fuck [TS]

  like well just to take this just to [TS]

  really shift gears on this conversation [TS]

  and really put the pedal to the medal [TS]

  really cold activated [TS]

  I'm gonna I'm gonna pop the tab on my [TS]

  you can of guinness and it's good Phil [TS]

  it's gonna it's gonna make the Guinness [TS]

  and a little just about anything they [TS]

  have little things matter came out of [TS]

  the tap of the warm tap of a english [TS]

  club is this whole business of like you [TS]

  turn around your kid is gone [TS]

  if you're at the playground turn around [TS]

  your kids gone right and you didn't do [TS]

  anything wrong [TS]

  you're just there and they were there [TS]

  and then it they're gone and you never [TS]

  see them again [TS]

  like how do you like how do you [TS]

  contextualize that howdy hi I'm so good [TS]

  at generally not thinking about that [TS]

  like I have to say for as insecure as I [TS]

  am as weird and helicopter as I am I [TS]

  don't obsess about that and I have [TS]

  because I am so anxious a lot of the [TS]

  time i actually do pretty well sometimes [TS]

  less [TS]

  friends yelling at me to call 911 I [TS]

  generally do pretty well on a slightly [TS]

  stressful situation because i tend to go [TS]

  straight into like okay finally have [TS]

  what I don't think I have something for [TS]

  this all this focus that I have this [TS]

  will be useful if it's a lot i'm at [TS]

  target and I said you know listen we [TS]

  gotta go i'm gonna start walking this [TS]

  way and I and she wasn't there and just [TS]

  in this case and but i stopped for a [TS]

  second wait a minute [TS]

  like I dunno as I have counseled my kid [TS]

  the main thing to remember is not to [TS]

  freak out like there's nothing that's [TS]

  ever been made better panicking and so I [TS]

  stopped for a second I got a little [TS]

  logical and I realized how far even add [TS]

  up [TS]

  yeah it's like Tommy Lee Jones but even [TS]

  at like a like a sprint how far she [TS]

  would go and I thought well i'm gonna [TS]

  risk my dignity and I yelled her name [TS]

  really loud but not crazily like three [TS]

  times and then I walked toward where I [TS]

  thought she would be and you know the [TS]

  deal and being lost right when you're [TS]

  lost like like stay in one place [TS]

  right right i think the too far beyond [TS]

  the perimeter and found 30 seconds and [TS]

  then suddenly relieved and then all the [TS]

  stress of my regular life came back but [TS]

  in that case I know but but you know I [TS]

  haven't had too many of those but like [TS]

  now she goes places and takes the field [TS]

  trips on buses and you go like oh he [TS]

  just yeah you put her in the hands of [TS]

  some other person who's right and you do [TS]

  everything their own list of time but [TS]

  now here's and this is our crazy on Form [TS]

  brain is like you can like you certainly [TS]

  know this you can sit around and like [TS]

  process that and overthink that all day [TS]

  long and does exactly jack shit about [TS]

  reality right which is that like you [TS]

  know add the equivalent of a drone could [TS]

  come along anytime was just stupid shit [TS]

  just happens your hand and you know and [TS]

  there's like it could be both of us [TS]

  killed in a crosswalk you know I mean [TS]

  not to be morose but the thing is i [TS]

  don't know i think you can obsess about [TS]

  that stuff too much or you get you get [TS]

  really weird and I think you generate a [TS]

  level of anxiety and your kids it's not [TS]

  useful for anybody [TS]

  yeah it's like today I say as though I'm [TS]

  great at it [TS]

  the are you familiar with the great man [TS]

  theory of history and you know you [TS]

  talked about a lot but i don't think [TS]

  i've ever gotten a eight and according [TS]

  to Hoyle acceptance of that so I would [TS]

  you know the the great man theory [TS]

  history is just that it was very out of [TS]

  fashion John's very out of fashion when [TS]

  you were in college [TS]

  that's right very out of fashion as it [TS]

  turns on the idea that Charlemagne and [TS]

  Napoleon that these kind of singular [TS]

  people gonna bark ranch fucking three [TS]

  fucking French people that's right it [TS]

  was that because that's all history went [TS]

  through friends if he said all went [TS]

  through and what all went through often [TS]

  when Hawkins part of friends but in any [TS]

  case all of history turns on these [TS]

  giants these giant a pivot people and it [TS]

  was very unfashionable for a long time [TS]

  in the university but it's all but but [TS]

  in my own personal history [TS]

  I look back and I think if i had not if [TS]

  I had not met person X and instead of [TS]

  having met person axle had met person [TS]

  why would my whole life be different [TS]

  because as you're searching for you know [TS]

  if you're searching for meaning you're [TS]

  searching for a narrative in your own [TS]

  life [TS]

  these tentpole people like oh yeah right [TS]

  i only lost my virginity to one girl and [TS]

  and it's my case in my kids yeah what if [TS]

  you're lucky he just how is it 21 I [TS]

  didn't really I didn't ride my [TS]

  motorcycle up the stairs and lose my [TS]

  virginity to two girls I just had the [TS]

  one and I got lucky in that case but you [TS]

  know I feel like I feel like my high [TS]

  school girlfriend who was a wonderful [TS]

  who you know is a wonderful productive [TS]

  member of society mulatto Irish brogue [TS]

  and I'm sure that I'm sure the chief [TS]

  votes in all the elections and I and she [TS]

  probably pays her taxes with a minimum [TS]

  of complaints but I you know if if I had [TS]

  gone a different way if i had met a [TS]

  different person of my high school [TS]

  girlfriend have been a different person [TS]

  i think my life would have been a lot [TS]

  different and it's the same it's the [TS]

  same kind of idea and now that I'm [TS]

  looking at my kid you know I want her [TS]

  first boyfriend to be somebody nice and [TS]

  i know i can't do anything about it [TS]

  certainly I can't do anything about it [TS]

  now and all you can do is try and make [TS]

  her a good person and hope that she gets [TS]

  lucky you know it's not that I it's not [TS]

  that I chose wrong it's just that i [TS]

  didn't get lucky in the hot in the high [TS]

  school girlfriend sweepstakes like [TS]

  that's the that's the that's the trick [TS]

  like I didn't choose wrong i chose the [TS]

  hosp correctly and it and like wasn't on [TS]

  my side and thats the in in my own life [TS]

  I can I just run by and for the most [TS]

  part shrug but when you have a we have a [TS]

  kid and you look at her future and you [TS]

  think like oh my god luck luck is gonna [TS]

  play into this somehow i'm trying to do [TS]

  everything right that just won't do [TS]

  and you're going to roll into some [TS]

  school and there's gonna be some guy and [TS]

  he's gonna seem awesome great and it's [TS]

  just like he really seems to left kids [TS]

  it turns out he doesn't it turns out [TS]

  he's not myself like I thought you know [TS]

  you you will handle this so much better [TS]

  than me [TS]

  um I know what I mean I actually thought [TS]

  about that a lot and i'm reluctant to [TS]

  say anything because I don't want to [TS]

  sound callous but I really don't want to [TS]

  sound callous but you know I mean the [TS]

  one thing I try to keep in mind is I [TS]

  don't know just that I mean II wonder if [TS]

  you were nervous about me but sometimes [TS]

  I can be a somewhat anxious person [TS]

  wait we're hanging on which one of my [TS]

  way to edit your the way to design my [TS]

  t-shirt driven by fear a turned on my VC [TS]

  her see what I've had for years but the [TS]

  design by fear and talk soon found [TS]

  driven by pierre football don't think [TS]

  that's what Stewart Copeland calls [TS]

  anyway I but I mean like and you can [TS]

  probably get a cynical person could see [TS]

  this is playing the odds but I in the [TS]

  with the prospect of what I could [TS]

  potentially pass on to her with my [TS]

  ridiculous amount of anxiety like it you [TS]

  know and there's no way i can I used to [TS]

  think that i couldn't i used to think [TS]

  that I could successfully not pass on [TS]

  not simply my own anxieties but the [TS]

  anxieties that were visited upon me and [TS]

  became mine among people have to imagine [TS]

  on some level is super personal and I [TS]

  should shut up but I mean I think about [TS]

  like you and your dad like there must be [TS]

  things about your life you wish were [TS]

  different you love your wonderful a [TS]

  father and but there must be certain [TS]

  things really I wish I [TS]

  could go in and kind of scrub through [TS]

  this video a little bit and change a [TS]

  couple things about it because certainly [TS]

  had an impact for the positive in some [TS]

  ways but you know you probably think [TS]

  you'd like to do differently i think i [TS]

  would have been a bass player [TS]

  really yeah i think you're amazing and [TS]

  you would have lost your virginity a lot [TS]

  earlier I think you're a bass player [TS]

  singer-songwriter you can control a band [TS]

  yes from like the puppet master chair [TS]

  like an applicant bum look at the bottom [TS]

  where my name is mud has a singer guitar [TS]

  player right you're just like here with [TS]

  my honda civic of people [TS]

  yeah you're really here lying on all [TS]

  these mechanics to tell you like what [TS]

  you know that to run a diagnostic on [TS]

  your current tell you what the chip says [TS]

  and you're just sitting there with your [TS]

  fucking guitar in your see Kourtney G [TS]

  chord and you don't know you don't know [TS]

  what they mean you don't you're just [TS]

  like you're like uh ok I'll pay whatever [TS]

  it is I'll pay whatever it costs just [TS]

  please just play my song just wanna [TS]

  drive up to actually drive out the [TS]

  garage tonight dignity intact [TS]

  yeah but if you're the bass player [TS]

  singer yeah then I don't know I just [TS]

  feel like I could have I could give you [TS]

  a great example that comports with what [TS]

  you're describing keep the no-hit les [TS]

  claypool that's the thing there that the [TS]

  guy from winger Kip Winger oh you gotta [TS]

  let me let me I feel but the thing is [TS]

  McCartney right yeah it's a good example [TS]

  yeah i mean i think he is like lou [TS]

  barlow I think he is at heart a guitar [TS]

  player [TS]

  yeah I know he's famous for bass the [TS]

  chances base got louder and louder over [TS]

  the years [TS]

  well that was that was the whole thing [TS]

  becomes really love songs it was [TS]

  literally all you could hear ya okay I'm [TS]

  gonna get past this one thing and then [TS]

  we can check-in job just the one thing [TS]

  I'm going to say is that like I'm trying [TS]

  to let go of this meta anxiety which is [TS]

  this idea that like I have any kind of [TS]

  control over these things I don't really [TS]

  have control over so i want to do you [TS]

  like doing that though [TS]

  well i think i'm i'm not saying i'm good [TS]

  at but but but I i do think that [TS]

  you know that'll don't think they say [TS]

  word you know dogs can smell fear like [TS]

  I'm i'm not sure if that's know [TS]

  strictly like biologically anatomically [TS]

  animali true and i had more honor i [TS]

  think what tops can sense his flop sweat [TS]

  and i think i think one reason dogs [TS]

  react also they also can smell when a [TS]

  woman is ovulating sure they caught the [TS]

  menses yet the and so I think that kids [TS]

  are extremely sensitive to what the [TS]

  parents are freaked out about and and [TS]

  and they're probably equally sensitive [TS]

  to win they're trying to cover it up [TS]

  well I i can appreciate why you would [TS]

  want to move beyond anxiety but how do [TS]

  you [TS]

  well i mean i don't i don't have got [TS]

  like a bullet list but all say is it's [TS]

  an ongoing struggle and yeah and again [TS]

  I'm not trying to say that I'm any good [TS]

  at it and I feel like I'm I you know I'm [TS]

  not a superstitious person but I feel [TS]

  like I'm courting feet just by saying [TS]

  this will probably be in the thing they [TS]

  play on NPR from achievement up honey no [TS]

  but not on the Supreme Court what am I [TS]

  saying oh no you're trying to mean Hagen [TS]

  well how do you think the class know me [TS]

  or for Nina Blackwood I didn't get this [TS]

  part out [TS]

  I just like you know what I i'm not [TS]

  saying i'm good at it i'm just saying [TS]

  that like once you accept that there are [TS]

  some drones in life that you don't have [TS]

  that much control over its it doesn't [TS]

  make you any happier or less anxious but [TS]

  it does make you appreciate that like [TS]

  you can keep your powder dry for the [TS]

  times when there is something you can [TS]

  prevent right so you know this is [TS]

  actually a Productivity guru that I like [TS]

  a lot of this guy David Allen says it [TS]

  you know in your in your life and in [TS]

  your productivity it's a lot like having [TS]

  a kid have a few rules as possible but [TS]

  be really dogged about enforcing what [TS]

  those rules are and to me that [TS]

  application becomes like okay here's [TS]

  some patterns i don't want to I don't [TS]

  you have to feel like you've got to read [TS]

  a fucking PDF to decide how to cross the [TS]

  street [TS]

  I want you to get to where you can [TS]

  develop some combination of confidence [TS]

  that self-possession that I don't have [TS]

  that I hope you will have that lets you [TS]

  make the right decision at the right [TS]

  time in the right context and you don't [TS]

  get that by going here right right and [TS]

  if I constantly go ye you know somebody [TS]

  I and I i'm guessing you're better at [TS]

  this than me sometimes she just gonna [TS]

  fucking hit her head on the swing set [TS]

  and that's gonna have to be okay [TS]

  the the rules that I the only rules I [TS]

  have for my daughter are no loud talking [TS]

  tonight [TS]

  don't touch daddy cigarettes there is no [TS]

  no outside voice haha ok i'm slightly [TS]

  quickly since it's the number one no no [TS]

  loud talking ever [TS]

  no loud talking naughty not just when [TS]

  you're concentrating on your on your on [TS]

  your ptown and research for just any [TS]

  time [TS]

  no love dog it's unnecessary don't touch [TS]

  that e-cigarettes daddy doesn't smoke [TS]

  but he keeps cigarettes around as a as a [TS]

  like in the same way that he keeps [TS]

  loaded guns around [TS]

  oh don't touch that is loaded guns to a [TS]

  headshot they're loaded [TS]

  I thought everything you think about of [TS]

  some any kind of a again you're supposed [TS]

  to personally check to see if it's [TS]

  loaded [TS]

  yeah they're all different rules is that [TS]

  could never never pointed anything you [TS]

  don't want to kill well first of all [TS]

  step 0 don't take it out is correct [TS]

  this is the reference Creed there are [TS]

  many like it but my you take if you're [TS]

  going to take it out [TS]

  yeah you got a plan to kill somebody [TS]

  right oh you're saying if your carrier [TS]

  gun and you're going to pull it and [TS]

  pointed at somebody [TS]

  I'm just saying if you talk wants to get [TS]

  that cigarette she's gonna take out his [TS]

  sidearm if you took out a gun and [TS]

  pointed at somebody you had better be [TS]

  prepared to shoot and kill them highly [TS]

  highly work at it [TS]

  yeah because then and what that ass in [TS]

  assume every gun is loaded yes but that [TS]

  is a what that means though is that [TS]

  never pull your gun out and pointed at [TS]

  somebody [TS]

  I mean you never you never are going to [TS]

  ninety-nine percent of the people pulled [TS]

  a gun on a point somebody have no [TS]

  intention of shooting and killing them [TS]

  they just want to scare the other skiing [TS]

  teenagers into swirling it around on [TS]

  their finger right well but no 99 [TS]

  percent of adults that pulled a gun out [TS]

  they expect that the other person is [TS]

  going to cower and what they're looking [TS]

  for is is that what they're looking for [TS]

  is that power [TS]

  they want to make somebody cower I was [TS]

  like that little man kind of thing [TS]

  yeah yeah and so they pull their guns [TS]

  out and they're like what did you say [TS]

  they're like now how that now how you [TS]

  feeling any hold it sideways like 17 and [TS]

  a gangster videos i made for you or you [TS]

  you know where you do some kind of [TS]

  Bologna with parents on it's super [TS]

  effective way to point a gun [TS]

  don't you know that sideways yeah over [TS]

  your head sideways boy has there by the [TS]

  third shot you're gonna be in great [TS]

  shape but and then and the reason people [TS]

  get shot is that a lot of times they [TS]

  they probably got out and they pointed [TS]

  at somebody who is legitimately crazy or [TS]

  doesn't give a fuck or also has a gun or [TS]

  moves faster than them or whatever right [TS]

  you know what I don't think I think I [TS]

  mean most of the time if you and 10 if [TS]

  you are prepared to shoot somebody you [TS]

  pull it out and shoot them you do [TS]

  there's no big speech that you have to [TS]

  give so all those my gun comes out and [TS]

  you're like giving a speech but i'm [TS]

  guessing you don't worry about that you [TS]

  wait till she's three or four to like [TS]

  really express this perhaps some kind of [TS]

  a PowerPoint but allowed talking [TS]

  don't touch that his cigarettes don't [TS]

  wish that his guns I think what'll [TS]

  happen with her is that she see this in [TS]

  action somebody pulled a gun out at me [TS]

  and i will take it and i will i'll make [TS]

  them eat it and then she'll be like oh I [TS]

  get it [TS]

  don't do that don't pull it out don't [TS]

  pull a gun on daddy will be the first [TS]

  thing [TS]

  to learn from pistol-whipping [TS]