Roderick on the Line

Ep. 78: "Driving Lesson Costume"


  or don't get back [TS]

  hello [TS]

  I job hi Merlin has gone good i was just [TS]

  watching a gynecological comedy video [TS]

  for teen girls tampons tampons very [TS]

  important this is something I'm gonna [TS]

  have to learn more about don't forget [TS]

  dodged that bullet a little bit with [TS]

  those things you mean not being a girl [TS]

  yeah i think that every day b2b but but [TS]

  now that I have a daughter now I have to [TS]

  know things about things I don't know [TS]

  anything about it's so easy to fake it [TS]

  you know if you just get you know what I [TS]

  mean you don't need the most detailed [TS]

  topographical map to sound like you're a [TS]

  cartographer you know you know like a [TS]

  strong one [TS]

  you know the high land is high and the [TS]

  low lands are low i'll be in Scotland [TS]

  for you but I'm telling you now I'm [TS]

  gonna be no coverage is locked lemon but [TS]

  blocking open [TS]

  um you know my you know my experience of [TS]

  women's periods is coming to see you can [TS]

  you don't get to be my age without [TS]

  having some experiences caught riding [TS]

  dirty off of them [TS]

  oh my god first time ever don't you ever [TS]

  never hurt that I never die just little [TS]

  a coin that [TS]

  yeah but uh but I remember I remember [TS]

  the first time a guy told me in high [TS]

  school a guy you know confided in me [TS]

  that he had sex with a girl who was on [TS]

  her period and I was like what was that [TS]

  like [TS]

  and he said kind of just the same which [TS]

  meant nothing to me except it's like [TS]

  sandpapery oh it's like rather than its [TS]

  rough there's a lot of extra there's to [TS]

  try to us he didn't use that word but [TS]

  now that's what he meant there's you [TS]

  know there's flotsam and so I was I was [TS]

  afraid of it for a long time and then I [TS]

  learned not to be afraid [TS]

  but it's pretty I think it's that is the [TS]

  guy version of having a period [TS]

  I mean the first time it happens your [TS]

  little bit startled you could have heard [TS]

  about having a period is having sex with [TS]

  a girl on her period is not a menstrual [TS]

  scientist but I you know I think the [TS]

  first time you you get the you know you [TS]

  get the katana out of the she treats you [TS]

  know what I mean I you know what let's [TS]

  move on and I'm just glad I didn't let [TS]

  me hear it because i don't think i don't [TS]

  think the guy version don't think you [TS]

  can say that the equivalent of having a [TS]

  period for a guy is having sex with a [TS]

  girl on her period that would be gender [TS]

  normative I think big the equivalent [TS]

  what is the equivalent for example [TS]

  clarinet and I'm sitting right now [TS]

  trying to figure out what that is [TS]

  once a month the moon comes around like [TS]

  a big pizza pie [TS]

  thank you and something in your changes [TS]

  and suddenly you are not open to advice [TS]

  suddenly you are made 45 you are fine [TS]

  hot baths and yelling everything is fine [TS]

  I don't know that happens to me all the [TS]

  time hot bats and yelling that's she [TS]

  just just just drew two sides of my [TS]

  trying to force your parade but I you [TS]

  know it's not an equivalent but that's [TS]

  that's the challenge really i don't know [TS]

  i mean you know it's something like a [TS]

  wet dream that's kind of a whole [TS]

  different deal [TS]

  I've never had one of those never had [TS]

  one of my life you never had one either [TS]

  nope yeah i'm sure they exist i don't [TS]

  believe they exist you think it's like [TS]

  the female orgasm like a mass hysteria [TS]

  it yeah it's like it's like the g-spot [TS]

  is sometimes right is my masters and [TS]

  johnson it's like snipe hunting up it's [TS]

  like yeah it's like you take a girl down [TS]

  to watch the submarine races [TS]

  absolutely but i'm saying you okay you [TS]

  get a boner you're having a dream of of [TS]

  a sexy time check then you just like [TS]

  scum all over your bed [TS]

  it seems impossible [TS]

  I have to tell you I i am very reluctant [TS]

  you know what I'm an older man now and [TS]

  I'm not as embarrassed about as many [TS]

  things right [TS]

  I and I'm just here to tell ya maybe i [TS]

  just got me my timing was impeccable and [TS]

  my slugging percentage was high because [TS]

  i never have experienced that no so [TS]

  you're saying your timing was impeccable [TS]

  in the sense that you became a man and [TS]

  then you immediately your slugging [TS]

  percentages I you immediately started [TS]

  putting it into girls you never had a [TS]

  period where you were just lying around [TS]

  i said where I've never had a period but [TS]

  here's here's the thing I my thinking is [TS]

  maybe if the timeline had been just a [TS]

  little bit different and i had become [TS]

  self-educated a little bit later maybe I [TS]

  would have busted a pool but i have [TS]

  never I've never busted a pool and you [TS]

  know I was aware of [TS]

  obviously we were all aware of Playboy [TS]

  magazines a long time before we knew [TS]

  what anything was it to me it was like a [TS]

  socket wrenches didn't know what to do [TS]

  with a playboy it was like here it is [TS]

  it's you mean you look at cartoons my [TS]

  friend can flip into the boobies and is [TS]

  what you read the cartoon you know what [TS]

  to do with the Playboy when you're eight [TS]

  years old you hide it to read the state [TS]

  there is nothing to hide [TS]

  yes thank you know you shouldn't have [TS]

  and that that is sexually exciting but [TS]

  uh I became aware of dirty movies I've [TS]

  told you about visions sure if this is [TS]

  the you have the crazy is an anchorage [TS]

  yeah the effect the crazy the crazy the [TS]

  crazy table with the dishes and that the [TS]

  crazy cable with the dishes and I [TS]

  software might the first time a dirty [TS]

  movie called the great Texas dynamite [TS]

  chase and I told you about this movie if [TS]

  you have forgotten the great Texas [TS]

  dynamite chase was a movie that was the [TS]

  first time I ever saw boobs in motion [TS]

  idea what it was it was one of those [TS]

  seventies kind of soft-core porno [TS]

  cinemax yeah that tried to have a plot [TS]

  but also had simulated sexual encounters [TS]

  and it was about a guy say I'm i haven't [TS]

  seen this movie since I was 10 years old [TS]

  but it was about this [TS]

  give me the high level and it was about [TS]

  a guy who was kind of like a Luke Duke [TS]

  above maybe it's more of a bo duke he [TS]

  was one of the Duke brothers type of guy [TS]

  and he was on the lam from the cops and [TS]

  he picked up two hitchhikers in Daisy [TS]

  Duke shorts and they went on a bank [TS]

  robbing spree or something and the cops [TS]

  were chasing them and they were and they [TS]

  use dynamite dynamite was their weapon [TS]

  that's right in your wheelhouse say what [TS]

  it was I was so excited i'm watching you [TS]

  know I put the channel that change the [TS]

  channel into that in between two [TS]

  channels thing where the cable dirty [TS]

  movies came in uh-huh and and here's [TS]

  this movie where this guy is driving [TS]

  around with these two beautiful girls [TS]

  and they are blowing shit up right and [TS]

  left blowing up cop cars blowing up [TS]

  cabins and then and then they have [TS]

  simulated sex and I knew what I wanted [TS]

  to do as a grown-up you need the English [TS]

  guy with the SEC case of mosca it but it [TS]

  never happened for me exactly like that [TS]

  the way I've never seen that movie sense [TS]

  but I room it's burned into my head [TS]

  the great Texas dynamite chase I don't [TS]

  even I don't think it's like one of the [TS]

  great films i have but i haven't even [TS]

  got on netflix to see if it's there just [TS]

  netflix have dirty movies IE now in a [TS]

  nuanced way they don't they don't have [TS]

  like canonically dirty movies you know a [TS]

  lot of that stuff it's like the old [TS]

  kinescope so the doctor who's that they [TS]

  the doctor homes that they threw away [TS]

  like this last of you just can't get any [TS]

  more like rights iic for me [TS]

  we there was this this wonderful window [TS]

  next 82 or so I don't know how this [TS]

  happened cause we were not a wealthy [TS]

  family but we had cable with showtime [TS]

  and HBO I things like fifteen dollars a [TS]

  month right what happened to UNM TV [TS]

  yeah but I'm you know so you saw some [TS]

  simulated sex is most well yeah most [TS]

  importantly that is that's what you so [TS]

  much the stuff we talked about stuff to [TS]

  talk about everybody got burned on my [TS]

  brain that's where that's where stripes [TS]

  alright I'll show escape from new york [TS]

  likely have been hell I mean that all [TS]

  got so I alien-like movies i would just [TS]

  watched literally six times [TS]

  in a month circles they were they were [TS]

  just on instrumentation and then you [TS]

  know there's always that you know the [TS]

  joke like cinemax after dark or whatever [TS]

  but they're truly used to be something [TS]

  that was actually show time after dark [TS]

  but anyway the point was that there [TS]

  would be the kinds of movies are talking [TS]

  about and for me there my camera would [TS]

  pan down and they would be having the [TS]

  sex and they be panning down and you'll [TS]

  be like I'm about to see it i'm about to [TS]

  see some and then it would like to [TS]

  frustrate you [TS]

  yeah that would cut to like some flowers [TS]

  wilting in a meal like where's the [TS]

  dynamite you're like who's there who's [TS]

  the direct first of all who is our [TS]

  director he didn't know which he forgets [TS]

  seems like you need that needs to be if [TS]

  you're going to cut at least cut to a [TS]

  locomotive calamity that might as well [TS]

  have been get the flu like I know what's [TS]

  down there [TS]

  no that's the problem i'm like i'm going [TS]

  to see I'm gonna see a minute's like [TS]

  there's so many movies they make you [TS]

  watch in school but they're all like [TS]

  like lineart cross-sections it's like [TS]

  I've never seen a woman with like a [TS]

  cross-section fallopian tube and I [TS]

  couldn't locate that on a body you know [TS]

  what I mean all those reptilian oh now [TS]

  really because you know I was [TS]

  alternative rock I think you have to [TS]

  learn stuff but for the g-spots down the [TS]

  team know what I mean you're looking for [TS]

  a g-spot you find a bunch of other stuff [TS]

  that's a good point [TS]

  you know you know how there's the the [TS]

  bit like the the cliché in like [TS]

  standard shitty porn movies is like oh [TS]

  it's a pizza delivery man or the cable [TS]

  guy I'm here to fix dining table talking [TS]

  about cliche but that's I mean I think [TS]

  that's how have the babies are made in [TS]

  America still have you know it'sit's top [TS]

  turns out because of all the people [TS]

  canceling cable the birth rate is [TS]

  plummeting pizza not popular but I mean [TS]

  I hated to leave a diner gluten-free [TS]

  option but the the problem the way we [TS]

  are we are touching on a major problem [TS]

  for me in my mind which is that in you [TS]

  and I have both have this problem and [TS]

  you are in advance of me in being a [TS]

  father of a daughter and my whole life [TS]

  you know women have been the very [TS]

  confusing [TS]

  they've been some people that I admire [TS]

  they've been paid some people that I [TS]

  have at you know I haven't angle moments [TS]

  with talk they talk to some of them I [TS]

  talk to them occasionally they objectify [TS]

  them all the time [TS]

  and now I have a daughter and none of [TS]

  those methods i am I I have no interest [TS]

  in objectifying her [TS]

  I've struggled to talk to her still [TS]

  because she's too and that will get [TS]

  better but I'm which I shall talk more [TS]

  you know I look into the future her [TS]

  future as a as a young woman and then as [TS]

  an adult woman and I'm trying to [TS]

  struggling to try and and be try to [TS]

  figure out like what how I can help her [TS]

  do this and I'm it I'm scared to death [TS]

  I am too I am too bad i just closed the [TS]

  one threat so as pizza delivery is you [TS]

  actual shitty porn i think having some [TS]

  kind of a charity event is to cable port [TS]

  that's all I wanted to say this for me [TS]

  it was a movie i think i want to say i [TS]

  can find on IMDb i think it was called [TS]

  hots with like enter periods forgive my [TS]

  saying like mash this disaster risk and [TS]

  stood for it stood for ladies playing [TS]

  softball to save an orphanage or [TS]

  something [TS]

  jiggling and now here's the thing i am [TS]

  told you the story but when I'm when my [TS]

  mama lady got you know in that way her [TS]

  family through as a little yeah so what [TS]

  you got softball [TS]

  hi Daddy title we hear they threw us a [TS]

  wonderful baby shower up in rhode island [TS]

  and we went there was great and my one [TS]

  of my favorite family members my brother [TS]

  want one of my brother-in-law's this is [TS]

  standing outside the door he's already [TS]

  three sheets to the wind [TS]

  yeah he's like enjoy it while you can my [TS]

  cat hey John how's it going [TS]

  oh we walked up now he's awesome he's [TS]

  awesome he's like a successful lawyer [TS]

  and he does enjoy it while you can cause [TS]

  bleeding changes will she hits about 11 [TS]

  with the sexting in the pictures and the [TS]

  snaps snaps snaps and an independent [TS]

  thing is though this guy is part of so [TS]

  my wife is the youngest of seven but [TS]

  like all of her older brothers and [TS]

  sisters you know and this is not about [TS]

  them [TS]

  this is about the Fleetwood [TS]

  magnification of the nineteen seventies [TS]

  they should all be fucking dead sure you [TS]

  guys are now worried about like taking [TS]

  photos of your couch [TS]

  yeah and they were permanently drunk [TS]

  driving through all of the seventies [TS]

  it's true but you don't remember about [TS]

  the seventies first of all there was 3.2 [TS]

  beer second second quality a near beer [TS]

  the second of all the we the weed was a [TS]

  lot mellower was real serious some shake [TS]

  shit you know you'd roll up a big fat [TS]

  doobie weed smoke at all day and maybe [TS]

  you'd feel a little irie it's not like [TS]

  the hardcore today and I have never felt [TS]

  I read but you're absolutely right i [TS]

  mean how are you going to survive the 71 [TS]

  like a absolutely i mean i feel like we [TS]

  really talked about dodging a bullet [TS]

  like you know we're from the time i [TS]

  don't know if it is at your school but [TS]

  it was when like around the time like my [TS]

  sophomore year drunk driving was like [TS]

  the cause celeb rather than drag like a [TS]

  like a like I hear they're short you got [TS]

  the dare [TS]

  but they would like you to be the big [TS]

  campaigns on on campus sure they bring a [TS]

  reference call her right right we had to [TS]

  like you know pea-like it out of this [TS]

  what was left of him you know but I'm [TS]

  serious it's anyway I I worry about that [TS]

  for them a selfish reason which is i'm [TS]

  not sure how I will handle it and yet I [TS]

  feel like you know there's not that much [TS]

  you can do about it you try to equip a [TS]

  kid to not be a dumb shit but you know [TS]

  but it isn't it ironic to me that this [TS]

  guy who's now an extremely successful [TS]

  personal liability lawyer is worried [TS]

  about my daughter's future when he was [TS]

  out there like literally drinking a case [TS]

  well i mean i'm going to equip my [TS]

  daughter with flamethrowers but but what [TS]

  I think that I think what worries us is [TS]

  that the lady the lady lamb though [TS]

  although although we were I mean in the [TS]

  seventies and eighties like consuming [TS]

  massive quantities of drugs and alcohol [TS]

  all the time and unsupervised Lee like [TS]

  driving muscle cars which you know that [TS]

  which cannot turn once they're moving in [TS]

  a straight line i was driving the muscle [TS]

  cars hundred twenty miles an hour with [TS]

  the headlights off and other wonderful [TS]

  things that characterize the eighties we [TS]

  were still all more or less in the dark [TS]

  about sex even after the sexual [TS]

  revolution i mean at least I feel like [TS]

  like we were much less aware of like the [TS]

  whole panoply of sex [TS]

  I certainly well maybe I'm just speaking [TS]

  from first personal experience not but [TS]

  lets the elephant in the room is herpes [TS]

  an 818 from the time from time junior [TS]

  herpes became a thing there they knew [TS]

  about when I was in like junior high and [TS]

  all you need to know about like I I feel [TS]

  like I think more about herpes and I [TS]

  knew about vaginas [TS]

  all I knew was there was this thing was [TS]

  going to happen to you they're gonna [TS]

  fuck you up for the rest of your life [TS]

  only now by the way aids right and [TS]

  herpes was herpes basically made a like [TS]

  10 really painful vaginas on your penis [TS]

  that was what herpes did it made little [TS]

  bit little little burning vaginas all [TS]

  over your holiday a deck i know and the [TS]

  maids and if it is gonna get no we [TS]

  didn't know what cost anyway I i agree [TS]

  with you it's another one of those [TS]

  things that like skipped a generation if [TS]

  you look at but the kids the kids with [TS]

  the pictures of their of their a of [TS]

  their nakedness well just let Stephen [TS]

  just say nakedness let's just say like [TS]

  like like even to even girls take [TS]

  teenage girls taking pictures of their [TS]

  brows like they take a selfie in a [TS]

  beginner I I mean this is not a thing [TS]

  that i am happy about as a father I [TS]

  wanna get I'm gonna be terrible at we [TS]

  were downtown last week and my daughter [TS]

  was wearing her spider-man hoodie and I [TS]

  corrected 3i angrily corrected three [TS]

  different people go [TS]

  hey spider-girl like fuck you it's [TS]

  spider-man ask all a spider's better [TS]

  girls awesome i will especially one [TS]

  better than the other but like but you [TS]

  know at least spider-woman like but like [TS]

  you know she's spider-man but let her be [TS]

  spider-man that's fine right stop being [TS]

  so gender normative is what your [TS]

  homemade t-shirt should say that's a [TS]

  question about selfies yes of course i [TS]

  know a lot about them ok there's a lot [TS]

  of pitches ladies taking pictures in the [TS]

  bathroom right [TS]

  why did they look at the screen instead [TS]

  of the lens they this is the [TS]

  it's just as you know they take because [TS]

  you know they're taking more than one [TS]

  you look at livejournal days you take [TS]

  six or 15 and you do the one with the [TS]

  least meet beard and that's the one you [TS]

  put up right so the fact that they're [TS]

  taking 10 probably but but like why [TS]

  can't you just get like tap to like it [TS]

  the focus and then look at the lens like [TS]

  a gentleman [TS]

  no but this is the problem because girls [TS]

  of that generation if they look at [TS]

  themselves in the mirror they [TS]

  automatically make a duck face and so [TS]

  you don't want a duck face picture no [TS]

  matter what and so looking at the [TS]

  looking at the little screen seeing [TS]

  yourself at one remove your like somehow [TS]

  it breaks the duckface spell it's if I [TS]

  were the kind of person that's still [TS]

  read roll-on borrow like I would think [TS]

  about this a lot because like the whole [TS]

  act of taking a photo of yourself in a [TS]

  mirror like as a thing I mean you can [TS]

  almost like you could take 500 selfies [TS]

  adjust them for size and they would [TS]

  basically be exactly the same silhouette [TS]

  you don't mean they look pretty much [TS]

  exactly the same except my cosplay of [TS]

  the boobs and they're always looking at [TS]

  the screen [TS]

  yeah my feeling about my feeling about [TS]

  selfies taken out of context is that [TS]

  they're meaningless out of context and [TS]

  that in fact the point of a selfie is [TS]

  never the photograph itself but it is it [TS]

  is how it is that it is happening in [TS]

  real time and that the person it who is [TS]

  sending you this picture you know is at [TS]

  that moment somewhere across town or [TS]

  across the world getting naked for you [TS]

  now [TS]

  oh it's intimate and timely right so so [TS]

  the picture itself is kind of us the [TS]

  it's what if you go back and look at [TS]

  them later [TS]

  it's like oh this is actually kind of [TS]

  not a very good picture and that's kinda [TS]

  now it's not happening when you're [TS]

  turning in your papers late [TS]

  we're like it's a kind of way of saying [TS]

  like yeah but you don't mean like I [TS]

  think it's a form of procrastination [TS]

  where you could say like well I could [TS]

  have done better if I had another week [TS]

  but I did it all like it as an [TS]

  all-nighter in this case when I was in a [TS]

  fucking bathroom of course I look like [TS]

  that [TS]

  yeah but i but I really think like in [TS]

  the mo [TS]

  moments in the immediate moment of a [TS]

  sexual exchange / texting [TS]

  the point is just that the point is that [TS]

  it is a form of communication not an [TS]

  actual form of pornography which is why [TS]

  taking those pictures out of context and [TS]

  sharing them on 4chan is like you still [TS]

  looking at that is his to I mean I have [TS]

  to I have to maintain my relationships [TS]

  with my online community this is your P [TS]

  towns in Alcatraz there because well [TS]

  it's not just there's the star trek [TS]

  forums it's a lot of forums i have to [TS]

  you know it's takes up half my day some [TS]

  little bit of light consulting for an [TS]

  independent record label a few years ago [TS]

  interesting one of the things that I [TS]

  said to them was at the time when [TS]

  something like this would sound slightly [TS]

  profound and rather than just merely [TS]

  obvious today which is that to [TS]

  understand most people on the internet [TS]

  it's it's useful to understand [TS]

  instead of thinking about things in [TS]

  terms of like what it is you have to [TS]

  sell it's useful to remember that [TS]

  everybody out there is grooming a new [TS]

  version of their personality in real [TS]

  time in front of people that the it you [TS]

  know in order to really understand like [TS]

  how people use the internet or with the [TS]

  time myspace was really big [TS]

  you can get those horrible pages with [TS]

  the flashing things and the dancing [TS]

  bananas and all of that and every single [TS]

  bit of bling on that page was about a [TS]

  brand association of some kind it was [TS]

  about any of it wasn't like coca-cola it [TS]

  was a way of saying i align myself with [TS]

  this and it's like how do you how do you [TS]

  make yourself kind of person on the kind [TS]

  of company that somebody would want to [TS]

  align themselves with and I believe that [TS]

  more than every day it's like there's so [TS]

  much branding and you know itself is a [TS]

  good way to brand just saying I today I [TS]

  you know I'm looking for an old suburban [TS]

  this is Ida sake is like a wet out [TS]

  no you know what is really really shy [TS]

  right now I'm looking for a guy with the [TS]

  rake and my friend you're mrs. Nelson [TS]

  and I commitment [TS]

  no I've decided you know I've been [TS]

  looking at classic cars on the internet [TS]

  for 15 years before there even was an [TS]

  internet and and I realized the other [TS]

  day [TS]

  driving down the road somewhere in some [TS]

  rental car and some guy blew past me in [TS]

  a you know an austin-healey and I said [TS]

  I'm not getting any younger [TS]

  like I am already over the threshold [TS]

  where it's over i'm no longer a young [TS]

  guy in a hot car i'm i'm already a [TS]

  middle-aged guy in a hot car and I don't [TS]

  even have a hot car yet and what I don't [TS]

  want to be is one of these guys ahead [TS]

  little you know that that looks like a [TS]

  looks like what's the guy that says [TS]

  diabeetus but that's not what is a [TS]

  little friendly well for Brimley I don't [TS]

  like Wilford Brimley in a in a hot car [TS]

  you see those guys all the time where [TS]

  you are driving up here like wow nice [TS]

  camaro and then you can set its a 76 [TS]

  year old guy with diabetes and like [TS]

  you're gonna die in that car so you know [TS]

  because you keep I keep because of [TS]

  because it grew up in that era I keep [TS]

  thinking that the only guys driving [TS]

  around in in cars with Cragar rims or [TS]

  like like any kind of car with SS on the [TS]

  back you're going to get up next to him [TS]

  it's going to be a guy with the duck [TS]

  tail and a pack of cigarettes rolled [TS]

  that's going to be Harrison Ford or [TS]

  possibly Matthew McConaughey yeah right [TS]

  and then you get a hit up next to him [TS]

  it's all these days just decaying [TS]

  corpses [TS]

  I don't want to be that guy but I've [TS]

  been looking at classic cars for so long [TS]

  like I've lost have somehow lost the [TS]

  ability to choose so I decided the other [TS]

  day I want a classic suburban those [TS]

  things are so big big four-wheel-drive [TS]

  suburban and write my taste in suburban [TS]

  is very specific i want a [TS]

  three-quarter-ton superb and I'm not [TS]

  going to bore you with this mono I want [TS]

  to hear three-quarter-ton [TS]

  four-wheel-drive suburban between the [TS]

  years I mean there's and there's two [TS]

  different body styles i like the the [TS]

  late sixties early seventies Suburbans [TS]

  just that you found a hobby they only [TS]

  have three doors but it's been three [TS]

  very cool doors and then I also like [TS]

  that the the mid-seventies Suburbans the [TS]

  first ones i found what 7279 [TS]

  anyway the problem with loving these [TS]

  cars is that they were flogged to death [TS]

  by people you know like you didn't buy [TS]

  one of these suburban and polish it and [TS]

  keep it in your garage you went and [TS]

  joined the Forest Service or you went [TS]

  and took it to to treat it nom like it [TS]

  worked a treat nam-gu went to out to [TS]

  fucking nowhere land and but you can use [TS]

  it for real actual stuff would really [TS]

  use it for real actual stuff and then [TS]

  the thing would the at the exact moment [TS]

  that the rust ate it from within [TS]

  it also would fall apart from outside [TS]

  and it would just be a pile of dust so [TS]

  there are very few of these things left [TS]

  all by way of saying today I was sitting [TS]

  at home and I was like I wonder if [TS]

  somebody just owns the URL old suburban [TS]

  dot-com and so I typed in old suburban [TS]

  dot-com because I am an old man i didn't [TS]

  put in up to the URL bar I actually [TS]

  typed old suburban dot-com into google [TS]

  and uh and the first couple of sites [TS]

  that came up that weren't pay [TS]

  advertisements i clicked on the first [TS]

  one and it took me to a site that had [TS]

  not been updated since 2000 1000 [TS]

  literally had dancing bananas [TS]

  wow you finally had time capsule and [TS]

  like little flat like little animated [TS]

  flash it's a last updated on the page it [TS]

  did was it said like you know this site [TS]

  was constructed in june of 1999 last [TS]

  updated her looks down at the bottom [TS]

  yeah little counter and if the site was [TS]

  so hard so hard to even be there was it [TS]

  was it was it wasn't just that it was [TS]

  hard to navigate or understand it was [TS]

  impossible to do either thing but it was [TS]

  hard even to be there with all these [TS]

  little things moving and the cool-blue [TS]

  little hole little question marks and [TS]

  things written in complexing lights [TS]

  under construction [TS]

  yeah and it was it was like oh shit [TS]

  that's right that used to be the [TS]

  internet everywhere you went [TS]

  I always figured figured that if I have [TS]

  really I i get involved in this site [TS]

  because I find it hard to look at too [TS]

  not just visually but like my mind races [TS]

  because i'm a story guy like there's [TS]

  always I mean [TS]

  the story so first of all I figure the [TS]

  person's dead right and nobody it's [TS]

  probably like an act like a university [TS]

  account like it's taking up almost no [TS]

  space there's zero bandwidth and like [TS]

  it's like you know at Ile de suburban [TS]

  guy PhD and you know he's been dead he's [TS]

  been dead from heart disease since nine [TS]

  eleven like nobody-nobody is updating [TS]

  the site and its and i always think of [TS]

  like oh my god I'm gonna find typos and [TS]

  there's gonna be no way to fix them [TS]

  it's it up it's a horrible horrible [TS]

  feeling our next door neighbor when I [TS]

  was a kid had a suburban and it and this [TS]

  is that we had a house you know this is [TS]

  in the seventies it was an old house but [TS]

  like this thing barely fit in the [TS]

  driveway it was so good [TS]

  yeah yeah it was it was all it was [TS]

  almost like a bus [TS]

  yeah Mike my friend Kevin had a suburban [TS]

  in the very early eighties and it was [TS]

  school bus yellow and he was just a [TS]

  little teenage kid units to 16 year old [TS]

  kid and we would go out in that suburban [TS]

  and he had by the time he was 16 years [TS]

  old he had such control over this [TS]

  vehicle we would be speeding along down [TS]

  the street in Anchorage and they would [TS]

  have pleaded they would have kind of [TS]

  plowed the snow into a center berm that [TS]

  sometimes was four feet tall snow [TS]

  between the lanes of traffic and Kevin [TS]

  could you know at 60 miles an hour [TS]

  pop the suburban up high Center it on [TS]

  this snow berm kick on the summer you [TS]

  know it had the the emergency brake was [TS]

  it was a pedal on my where would be [TS]

  where clutch would be right on the [TS]

  emergency brake and flip the suburban [TS]

  around like it was pure wedding like a [TS]

  ballerina all four tires [TS]

  you know going in different directions [TS]

  and he could balance the suburban on its [TS]

  front bumper [TS]

  he wasn't he was incredible in this [TS]

  truck and I remember writing you know in [TS]

  the passenger seat and this was before [TS]

  any of us ever wore seat belts either so [TS]

  we're sliding around like ball bearings [TS]

  and just thinking like this is the [TS]

  greatest it is great to be an American [TS]

  this is the greatest time to be alive [TS]

  we are listening to the Scorpions we are [TS]

  driving the suburban it and and no one [TS]

  can stop us we are we are driving the [TS]

  suburban like the Millennium Falcon and [TS]

  I think it's stuck in me and now I'm [TS]

  having a midlife crisis nama in my [TS]

  forties and i wanted i want to get that [TS]

  suburban exactly that suburban and just [TS]

  drive around this is your lolita it is [TS]

  my lowly I want that big freaking truck [TS]

  this you know this is something I was to [TS]

  the gallon of all the idiotic things [TS]

  that you could do and there are really [TS]

  literally so many this is a good one [TS]

  i mean it's it's probably pretty safe [TS]

  for his for a car from the seventies I'm [TS]

  not gonna run right here this is the GMC [TS]

  carryall i love this level but the [TS]

  problem is there's a lot of [TS]

  two-wheel-drive ones out there and I [TS]

  don't want two wheel drive truck can get [TS]

  a six [TS]

  well you get a v8 in this oh yeah oh [TS]

  brother you can option those already [TS]

  speed manual four-speed manual power [TS]

  glide and turbo hydra-matic I just want [TS]

  to put the turbo hydra-matic at that [TS]

  sounds nice so nice transmission I gotta [TS]

  say this thing is gorgeous you should [TS]

  John you should do it i can't just give [TS]

  you a suggestion [TS]

  yeah two directions not number number [TS]

  two you just get a suburban I mean it [TS]

  can't cost that much you know if it [TS]

  doesn't work out get another one right [TS]

  now you're right you're right [TS]

  the other 1i number 1 i've talked about [TS]

  this my friend chris from college had an [TS]

  austin-healey sprite you know you would [TS]

  look great [TS]

  you would look so large an austin-healey [TS]

  sprite yeah you know I'm actually [TS]

  partial to the big he leaves rather than [TS]

  the little healing is a model and that [TS]

  would be what he called you know that [TS]

  you like the 100 put in as almost you [TS]

  died in where he died in Paul McCartney [TS]

  die thought you died in a Volkswagen [TS]

  Beetle please mind the core native would [TS]

  have been yeah okay [TS]

  God these are handsome cars yeah they [TS]

  are and the big Healy's are are like [TS]

  their proper like a sprite i think i [TS]

  would it would be a little clown car but [TS]

  a big deal i would be I'd be feeling [TS]

  very strongly like it was like being in [TS]

  a mountain dew can one time and sarah [TS]

  said we're at a light and and we're [TS]

  lower than like a driver side window and [TS]

  increased says a you see that yamaha [TS]

  over there [TS]

  oh yeah I guess that's got a bigger [TS]

  engine this haha [TS]

  and and the the big healing though we [TS]

  don't start it we can just push start at [TS]

  any time they have any here they have [TS]

  like six cylinder motors and they're [TS]

  still not that bigger car but they're so [TS]

  like they're so deadly [TS]

  yeah they don't all have six cylinder [TS]

  but that but anyway those cars now are [TS]

  priced like ice I was driving down the [TS]

  road not very long ago and I saw kid who [TS]

  had to be in high school still 17 years [TS]

  old driving an austin-healey 3000 with [TS]

  his high school girlfriend sitting next [TS]

  to him and their hair blowing in the [TS]

  wind and you know that his father is [TS]

  some kind of criminal defense attorney [TS]

  or worse and they live in a big house [TS]

  with a water ski boat parked out front [TS]

  because it's a little waterfront house [TS]

  and he's driving this austin-healey to [TS]

  town because his dad threw the keys and [TS]

  said you know go crazy junior prom or [TS]

  whatever and I really wanted to run this [TS]

  kid off the road it it it just wasn't [TS]

  right [TS]

  it was thinking that frustrating some [TS]

  90210 shit that shouldn't happen in [TS]

  seattle and typically I don't allow it [TS]

  but yeah you know I think that's the [TS]

  kind of thing you should you should you [TS]

  should be on top of that there's a I you [TS]

  know had you know John trying to grow as [TS]

  a person and I'm stamp set aside I say I [TS]

  say leave it to the shot in Florida [TS]

  leash a little bit but dad there's a [TS]

  tumblr i follow called i think it's [TS]

  called rich kids on Instagram actually [TS]

  sent somebody sent me a link to that [TS]

  back when I was I was I was making it my [TS]

  thing to tweet everyone 'so i like [TS]

  nobody has it easy it [TS]

  life life is hard for everybody like [TS]

  stop stop thinking that anybody is right [TS]

  everyone has their reasons [TS]

  everybody's got up everybody wakes up in [TS]

  the morning goes global here we go [TS]

  and a lot of people were we're really [TS]

  pushing back on this idea like no you're [TS]

  wrong there are people that have it easy [TS]

  and I was like no there aren't like like [TS]

  like Eric Clapton son fell out of his [TS]

  hotel window right like everybody's got [TS]

  a tragedy [TS]

  and just being rich doesn't solve [TS]

  anything and people were like no [TS]

  bullshit and I got set a lot of links to [TS]

  this rich Kidz tumblr which kids on [TS]

  instagram tumblr where they're all these [TS]

  you know smug little twerps taking [TS]

  pictures of themselves and their dad's [TS]

  plane and I and I i spent a 20 minutes [TS]

  on that thing and i was like i never saw [TS]

  so many miserable people in my life [TS]

  yeah I mean it's like these kids like [TS]

  check out my watch or whatever and like [TS]

  oh my god you can [TS]

  yeah i saw today we're in three watches [TS]

  yet there are few things in life more [TS]

  lonely than being unsympathetic well no [TS]

  I mean I'm being honest it's that's the [TS]

  problem [TS]

  that's exactly what the problem is is [TS]

  you would hesitate to go well I [TS]

  playgroups it's true it sucks to be [TS]

  unsympathetic it's called a first-world [TS]

  problem or white wine like know [TS]

  everybody does have the problem that i'm [TS]

  trying to side with the bro last guy to [TS]

  white wine whi and he is and not mine [TS]

  that's not mine [TS]

  white wine pretty good huh or they [TS]

  really um I saw one of a guy I think it [TS]

  was a selfie or maybe he had his his [TS]

  black man take it for him but it was him [TS]

  in bed with three different bottles of [TS]

  like like magnums of costly brands of [TS]

  champagne like you don't need to get a [TS]

  fake nap with them [TS]

  oh yeah yeah oh yeah he's having a great [TS]

  time back guys ladies really he's doing [TS]

  nothing wrong with that guy could not be [TS]

  solved by a couple good ass kickings oh [TS]

  yeah i mean i can't help but think that [TS]

  that there is no one on Instagram that [TS]

  is really living a good life i tried it [TS]

  try to create it like now when I tried [TS]

  it twice [TS]

  I tried twice rate that you can see also [TS]

  independent label consulting like it boy [TS]

  talk about like a tradition of your life [TS]

  I mean how many be saturated pictures of [TS]

  birds on a telephone wire do we need [TS]

  wow I'm increasingly feeling like I've [TS]

  always felt like I lived somewhat in a [TS]

  ghetto of a certain kind of people a [TS]

  certain kind of thinker being like [TS]

  associated with the university wearing a [TS]

  guitar well after you are a problem but [TS]

  but now my life on the internet I I'm [TS]

  really seeing the borders of it and [TS]

  realizing that [TS]

  oh I'm not sure that this i'm not sure [TS]

  that this is the enlightened and [TS]

  beautiful capital of of futuretown that [TS]

  everybody here thinks it is it feels a [TS]

  little bit it feels like a bunch of as [TS]

  kurt vonnegut said a bunch of bacteria [TS]

  drowning in their own shit and and not [TS]

  realizing that they're making champagne [TS]

  i don't i don't know if if if the [TS]

  internet is positive [TS]

  Merlin don't know this but i don't i'm [TS]

  not sure right now if it is positive [TS]

  they did it and that is if you'll [TS]

  forgive me a net positive but it is a [TS]

  net positive I've got my eye I imagine [TS]

  the internet the first time I heard [TS]

  about it back in the late eighties write [TS]

  songs about in 2008 you told me about [TS]

  you to use you specifically told me [TS]

  about the actual internet in 2008 but [TS]

  when somebody when when when somebody [TS]

  first whispered in my ear [TS]

  the idea of the internet you know I [TS]

  imagine just as every futurist imagined [TS]

  like the sum total of human knowledge [TS]

  right I a free and completely free and [TS]

  neutral space where everywhere [TS]

  intelligences can mix with one another [TS]

  unencumbered by their life like their [TS]

  physical attributes are unencumbered by [TS]

  their class electron but a library like [TS]

  it would be this completely blank space [TS]

  where it is pure [TS]

  white desert where like like it could [TS]

  all be fresh and new and intelligent [TS]

  right tron library [TS]

  exactly and now it seems more like kind [TS]

  of a swap meet at an old drive in the [TS]

  head [TS]

  it's like a cubit rectory a swap meet an [TS]

  old driving where there are a lot of [TS]

  people playing like a three-card Monte [TS]

  and and yet also there's like that that [TS]

  hovering a billboard the the flying [TS]

  billboard from Blade Runner maybe like [TS]

  Minority Report like all the ads are [TS]

  yelling at you can yeah the the ads are [TS]

  yelling at you that's right that's [TS]

  exactly you have a sense of I think this [TS]

  is a very interesting thing up [TS]

  although we try to avoid talking about [TS]

  the internet what was there something [TS]

  specific that you came across well [TS]

  certain movement [TS]

  I think it's the I think it's a little [TS]

  bit it's like the yelling chamber like I [TS]

  feel it in your and my conversations in [TS]

  the sense that i have i have always been [TS]

  I've always self-identified as a radical [TS]

  but I've also always been very impatient [TS]

  of the kind of like the kind of [TS]

  institutional radicalism that [TS]

  characterizes the left right so so you [TS]

  you want to disassociate yourself with [TS]

  people on the Left who are saying that [TS]

  we you know that that cutter that [TS]

  Christopher Columbus's it was it was a [TS]

  genocide of maniac or whatever you want [TS]

  to say alright alright alright alright [TS]

  we weave weave all we've all read it but [TS]

  it doesn't make it true because somebody [TS]

  wrote it and like that that kind of that [TS]

  kind of like the the hyper righteousness [TS]

  of the edge does a lot of it does a lot [TS]

  of work of pushing the boundary but it [TS]

  also do values the inside you know the [TS]

  the middle fringe [TS]

  which you know which is actually like [TS]

  getting work done but the problem now is [TS]

  that that on the internet if you if you [TS]

  take a stand anywhere against the fringe [TS]

  you are positive immediately as a member [TS]

  of the opposite fringe you know where [TS]

  there's no like the nuances getting [TS]

  beaten out of everywhere except in these [TS]

  little pockets like like you like on [TS]

  Matt Howie's site or whenever there are [TS]

  places where people are talking but they [TS]

  increasingly feel like little domes of [TS]

  silence where like a very few people [TS]

  walk in they check their their swords [TS]

  and their pistols at the door and they [TS]

  say for the amount of further for the [TS]

  time that i'm going to be here [TS]

  I agree to these rules of decorum and i [TS]

  agree not to tell not to call anyone a [TS]

  Hitler or a baby raper not to write in [TS]

  all caps and i'm going to do and i'm [TS]

  going to agree to that here while i'm [TS]

  here in this protected space but the [TS]

  rest of the top the rest of the internet [TS]

  and everywhere you go [TS]

  because because you you follow a news [TS]

  story you end up on a new site it's [TS]

  talking about you know all this funny [TS]

  lady she rescues bats for a living and [TS]

  you're like I watched the video and this [TS]

  lady is rescuing bats how cute [TS]

  then you scroll them you make the [TS]

  mistake of scrolling down and the first [TS]

  comment says if it wasn't for Obamacare [TS]

  bats wouldn't get sick [TS]

  nice bat your shirt from gap was made by [TS]

  children and they might be just and then [TS]

  you check-in there's 1500 comments down [TS]

  on thumb and your hand and you just feel [TS]

  like there is unless i am prepared to go [TS]

  into an ivory tower somewhere on the [TS]

  internet to talk to people [TS]

  there's nowhere to be where where it [TS]

  isn't just what we're not so you're not [TS]

  oscillating between like clickbait news [TS]

  item pop-up ad people screaming at each [TS]

  other about at ignorant people screaming [TS]

  ignorantly at one another and and making [TS]

  people ignorant [TS]

  yeah and i added about you have to be in [TS]

  that is the that's kind of the cover [TS]

  charge to come in that's like that's [TS]

  like that's like the two asshole minimum [TS]

  like to get in you've got to be willing [TS]

  to get involved in that particular way [TS]

  and the subtlety subtleties just not [TS]

  possible but what I found was I was [TS]

  walking down the street my normal in [TS]

  normal life and I was kind of wrestling [TS]

  with these questions they were wrestling [TS]

  with feeling like I was at the age of 44 [TS]

  i was at a point in my own life where [TS]

  we're a natural kind of conservatism is [TS]

  starting to enter my thinking you know [TS]

  the the famous adage of like if you're [TS]

  not a liberal when you're a young man [TS]

  you have no heart and if you're not a [TS]

  conservative when you're an old man you [TS]

  have no brain Churchill thank you [TS]

  and so this natural kind of conservatism [TS]

  that comes into your life when you're in [TS]

  your mid forties where you just have [TS]

  seen enough and you look around you go [TS]

  yeah alright kid but but really here's [TS]

  how life works and you know it you start [TS]

  to you start to feel like you're you're [TS]

  not willing anymore to be imposed upon [TS]

  so much you start to appreciate a little [TS]

  bit of quiet and a little bit of comfort [TS]

  I start to shake my fist at people who [TS]

  stereos are too loud [TS]

  it's a it's a kind of it's a kind of [TS]

  quality of middle-aged that I think you [TS]

  need to resist you need to resist the [TS]

  this inexorable ility of of feeling like [TS]

  building up a tolerance fence and as I'm [TS]

  talking to myself and I'm resisting my [TS]

  own my own natural serve trend to [TS]

  personal conservatism [TS]

  I'm I'm feeling the templates of the [TS]

  internet in my mind and I'm arguing with [TS]

  myself in the voice of these internet [TS]

  templates and I kind of jump back out of [TS]

  myself and I say I reject this I reject [TS]

  this model I am NOT it is it it is not a [TS]

  simple matter of either being like uh [TS]

  you you cannot accuse everyone of [TS]

  classism or racism or sexism who doesn't [TS]

  conform to the most radical [TS]

  interpretation of any scenario there is [TS]

  a middle that is that is like really [TS]

  where we should all aspire to be and a [TS]

  and I just so I heard the internet [TS]

  ringing in my ears as I'm walking along [TS]

  trying to navigate my own my own in my [TS]

  own aging and I went oh there's it's a [TS]

  bad influence [TS]

  like legit like it'sit's unintentionally [TS]

  kind of slightly reshaped your the way [TS]

  you frame these things you think about [TS]

  these things [TS]

  well I I feel like if because because [TS]

  given that template that the term [TS]

  templates or is a really interesting [TS]

  idea cuz what is a template template is [TS]

  an easy way to get started on something [TS]

  that could be complicated and and the [TS]

  more you use that template over and over [TS]

  and and you know let's be honest you and [TS]

  you people here using that template or [TS]

  just using that that form a lot it's you [TS]

  know it's not unusual at all I mean if [TS]

  you go if you go off for a weekend with [TS]

  your buddies and start seeing you know [TS]

  cocksucker motherfucker a lot over and [TS]

  over and over like you keep saying that [TS]

  for a day or two after you come home [TS]

  that's right i mean you go to another [TS]

  country you can you you start picking up [TS]

  the language again that you didn't know [TS]

  you even remembered so I mean if we [TS]

  spend 6 to 14 hours a day in that land [TS]

  of templates it's not unusual at all [TS]

  that to find ourselves doing that are [TS]

  thinking oh this is a thing I should [TS]

  photograph and post will be another [TS]

  example I mean you know a lot more [TS]

  lightweight example but rusted starting [TS]

  to change the way we think a little bit [TS]

  yeah then you don't see things except in [TS]

  terms of all I wish I had my camera i [TS]

  wish i could photograph that post but [TS]

  but more importantly I feel like I feel [TS]

  like people are not rewarded in on the [TS]

  internet they are not rewarded for [TS]

  having middle-middle opinions middlebrow [TS]

  views or middle middle work opinions you [TS]

  know no one is rewarded for compromise [TS]

  or for trying to see both sides of the [TS]

  story that is a thing that we all agree [TS]

  the person that's like can't we all get [TS]

  along or let's let's look at both sides [TS]

  of this that person is shouted down [TS]

  immediately and it and the effectiveness [TS]

  with them always the most interesting [TS]

  part think about literature think about [TS]

  my energy I'm sorry but like any [TS]

  literature movies anything the most [TS]

  interesting part is always that surprise [TS]

  of like a character somebody who learns [TS]

  a little bit about themselves and that's [TS]

  what a story is a story is something [TS]

  started here and ended there and we [TS]

  learned something about the character of [TS]

  the person by how they handled an [TS]

  impossible challenge and sometimes that [TS]

  means really changing your idea about [TS]

  something that that's what a story is [TS]

  the only king olaf's brand in any the to [TS]

  be the person who is like who the the [TS]

  character in a novel who is for the most [TS]

  part totally disagreeable maybe even [TS]

  evil but they have a redeeming quality [TS]

  and that's enough [TS]

  you know that's often enough to make a [TS]

  story and to make a and to make the [TS]

  world go round almost and I and I feel [TS]

  like I feel like what what the internet [TS]

  is doing is it is it is rewarding people [TS]

  for extremism in very subtle ways and it [TS]

  is depriving people of the natural [TS]

  reward they should be feeling when they [TS]

  say hey actually I kind of see both [TS]

  sides of this and in the past like [TS]

  that's how civilization got built people [TS]

  would get to a certain age they go [TS]

  actually I kind of see the other side a [TS]

  little bit now and everyone who everyone [TS]

  would stroke their chins and take [TS]

  another puff on their pipes [TS]

  and maybe they would resolve that [TS]

  property difference or maybe they would [TS]

  resolve the the you know the question of [TS]

  whether the beer is 22 hobby or whatever [TS]

  it is the problem that primitive people [TS]

  had and now we're where we've created [TS]

  this place where it's like this is where [TS]

  we're going to invest our time this is [TS]

  where we're going to invest our [TS]

  intellectual energy and and the [TS]

  combination of anonymity and the and [TS]

  distance from one another no physical [TS]

  consequences no risk of a punch in the [TS]

  nose [TS]

  we're creating a human environment where [TS]

  radicalism is rewarded and that is gonna [TS]

  have disastrous consequences [TS]

  I i agree and part of the problem and I [TS]

  will literally beg yeah that's get me [TS]

  started on this but that extremism and [TS]

  that radicalism the problem with that is [TS]

  that it doesn't have a cost and so I've [TS]

  been taken to task by many many [TS]

  good-hearted people for saying that like [TS]

  Martin Luther King would never have had [TS]

  an impact if he if he said I mean [TS]

  fucking Cheetos and typing on Twitter or [TS]

  asking people support his fucking fun [TS]

  run it out there and he threw himself [TS]

  you know on the levers for you so well [TS]

  yeah I mean that's I mean and that is [TS]

  another kind of extremity but i'll just [TS]

  take the one tiny point that will be [TS]

  hopefully tweetable is is that the the [TS]

  problem with the ex extremism and [TS]

  radicalism is it doesn't cost anything [TS]

  yeah and you still get to get your [TS]

  ribbon for being the fucking you know [TS]

  che guevara a hundred and forty [TS]

  characters even though you haven't [TS]

  really done anything and and you get to [TS]

  sit there and then now you get to be [TS]

  some kind of like a sniper character [TS]

  trying to like pluck out people on the [TS]

  other side of the of the DMZ who don't [TS]

  agree with you and any say entrenched [TS]

  and there's nothing to be gained by [TS]

  either developing a more nuanced or [TS]

  intelligent argument and like the kind [TS]

  of problem that used to be mostly [TS]

  restricted to pro wrestling and congress [TS]

  now goes everywhere because if this [TS]

  permanent state of identifying and [TS]

  getting this personal branding I hate [TS]

  that word but it's true [TS]

  it's kind of personal branding based on [TS]

  which kind of sniper you've decided to [TS]

  be and who you decided to pick off and [TS]

  who you high-five for get a shot off [TS]

  well and it is a fucking thing I've [TS]

  found just personally I've noticed that [TS]

  it d values to the those instances where [TS]

  set where somebody does really jump up [TS]

  and say something radical because [TS]

  they're immediately like dismissed as a [TS]

  troll [TS]

  so just personally I'm i am at a turning [TS]

  point in my life where I am having to [TS]

  say to myself on a kind of daily basis [TS]

  there is there there's all the everyday [TS]

  there's some reason why I feel like what [TS]

  I feel like the easy path in middle age [TS]

  is to confirm stereotypes confirm biases [TS]

  I feel like I feel like your experience [TS]

  your heart your hard-won experience [TS]

  allows you to not you know not be [TS]

  tolerant i guess and that that the [TS]

  u-turn a certain point no matter what [TS]

  your your proclivities are where you [TS]

  feel like I don't want to be I don't [TS]

  want to be taken advantage of any more I [TS]

  don't want to be a Rube I'm I don't want [TS]

  to be a fool and that inevitably causes [TS]

  a certain hard name you no longer give [TS]

  money to panhandlers where you once did [TS]

  you no longer roll your window down to a [TS]

  guy running up on the street with a [TS]

  broken fan belt you know it's a it's a [TS]

  it's a it's a gradual process i haven't [TS]

  I i have done nothing but laugh in the [TS]

  face of anyone who approaches me holding [TS]

  a fan belt for 15 years but but [TS]

  increasingly like a this is this kind of [TS]

  this battle and fighting against myself [TS]

  in in the just the kind of creeping [TS]

  transition toward comfort away from [TS]

  struggle and and struggle rewards you in [TS]

  ways that comfort cannot and struggle [TS]

  requires that you not succumb to cliché [TS]

  that you not succumb to stereotype and [TS]

  you and that is increasingly difficult [TS]

  as John Hodgman is fond of saying you [TS]

  cannot run as fast as you did when you [TS]

  were 20 nor can you think as fast as you [TS]

  did when you were 20 and so it's it's [TS]

  additional work to wake up in the [TS]

  morning and say i am going to i'm going [TS]

  to approach every person as an [TS]

  individual today and I'm gonna take on [TS]

  these scenarios i think i know the [TS]

  answer to already and it think you know [TS]

  increasingly I find my online life is [TS]

  not especially helpful and then [TS]

  well I part of the problem I you know [TS]

  I'm reluctant at this point is to say [TS]

  the internet as a medium because its [TS]

  series of media crap but in in addition [TS]

  I wanna go back to that but i think if I [TS]

  was on metafilter exclusively male many [TS]

  filters no bargain sometimes I mean [TS]

  there's there's no there's a lot of to [TS]

  quote the the great drunk [TS]

  John Wayne during his Stanford [TS]

  commencement speech i say i didn't say [TS]

  that for clapping haha never heard that [TS]

  that's liberties at their worst John [TS]

  Wayne's three sheets to the wind hire [TS]

  out these kids and [TS]

  yeah definitely Stanford can happen [TS]

  before you get the run time that the [TS]

  active occupied columbia for the the [TS]

  guys in like defecating in drawer [TS]

  hi yeah I'm not saying that for clapping [TS]

  the problem is the problem is that [TS]

  radicalism extremism doesn't cost [TS]

  anything but empathy is expensive [TS]

  because empathy toward any body empathy [TS]

  doesn't mean you agree with somebody it [TS]

  means you like feel for them a little [TS]

  bit like you understand you enter it [TS]

  like you want to understand that there [TS]

  another human being that doesn't make [TS]

  your pussy to say that that that means [TS]

  being an adult [TS]

  yeah but most of the time it takes 10 [TS]

  extra minutes out of your day but that's [TS]

  not getting back to the medium in a [TS]

  minute but but i think i think part of [TS]

  the problem is that I mean I'll speak [TS]

  for myself [TS]

  you've had a pretty flawless life so you [TS]

  won't appreciate this but like I make so [TS]

  many fucking mistakes every day I i [TS]

  mis-read things i do dumb shit i get mad [TS]

  at the wrong person ID so much dumb [TS]

  stuff every day that it's made me on a [TS]

  good day little bit more empathetic [TS]

  about how everybody has those days or [TS]

  decades but that doesn't that doesn't [TS]

  get you any three pointers on the [TS]

  internet that does not get you a thumb [TS]

  you know and and the to the medium part [TS]

  i'm tempted to bring up a real Godwin's [TS]

  law here in the sense of pro-wrestling [TS]

  like the name your favorite pro wrestler [TS]

  who took 15 minutes to really explain [TS]

  things in a way that we can all [TS]

  understand even if we didn't agree with [TS]

  it now you like you like Ric Flair or [TS]

  you like Ricky the dragon steamboat I [TS]

  personally did not like Ric Flair yeah [TS]

  now-now I he was he was part of a [TS]

  different tradition for me i would love [TS]

  to talk about wrestling but but to me [TS]

  that's I mean thatthat so that's a [TS]

  careless of 35 year old analogy but i [TS]

  think it's true i mean i think you've [TS]

  got to pick your side like are you going [TS]

  to be a face or you're going to be a [TS]

  heel and then like you know who we gonna [TS]

  team up with who you gonna cheer for and [TS]

  he got hit with a fucking folding chair [TS]

  and you know and wherever you go even [TS]

  the most subtle environment you know [TS]

  metafilter whatever i going to [TS]

  metafilter sometimes I don't look at it [TS]

  like I used to because it has gotten way [TS]

  to me and snarky and I will go in and [TS]

  just look at like most favorited posts [TS]

  and that will be twice a month I'm going [TS]

  to nothing it's matt it's just that it's [TS]

  it's too big [TS]

  they've lost that sense of of personhood [TS]

  we're all in our own little car honking [TS]

  horns of people because of like a [TS]

  millisecond you know miss decision on [TS]

  their part which I'm guilty of which i'm [TS]

  going to you but I mean like do you want [TS]

  to get better at that or or do you want [TS]

  to get loud horn that you have a problem [TS]

  i mean as you get older it's almost like [TS]

  you know you imagine that you're [TS]

  chilling at the Churchill quote was I [TS]

  honestly did not look this up but it's [TS]

  something like anyone any man is not a [TS]

  liberal by the time he's 25 is [TS]

  hard-hearted any man is not a [TS]

  conservative by the time he's 40 is [TS]

  soft-headed something like that yeah [TS]

  that's what it looks like there's [TS]

  something to look at while know what I [TS]

  mean it's the only point being that like [TS]

  you know and there's always having [TS]

  people say that old canard about how [TS]

  like all journalists or liberals and [TS]

  journals will come back and say well no [TS]

  it's just that we seem like liberals [TS]

  because we like asking a lot of annoying [TS]

  questions yeah which is something that [TS]

  liberals like to do I think it's easy to [TS]

  say oh as you get older you see more and [TS]

  more like a conservative it's like it's [TS]

  no it's not that I'm becoming more [TS]

  conservative it's just that I've seen a [TS]

  whole lot of your radical ideas I seen [TS]

  the ones that worked and it wasn't [TS]

  because they were Radical that they work [TS]

  it's because they were the right [TS]

  solution at the right time [TS]

  yeah and-and-and the louder horn does [TS]

  not make you a more persuasive driver he [TS]

  said mixing several analogies but anyway [TS]

  I'm just saying like trying to settle [TS]

  this shit 240 characters at a time is [TS]

  not a great place to try and settle it [TS]

  did you read questlove's SI no on the [TS]

  Trayvon Martin case no but I well [TS]

  getting a card is from the tribe called [TS]

  quest quest llano is the routines roots [TS]

  everybody plays on the Jimmy Carson show [TS]

  oh oh I know what you mean you're [TS]

  talking about the never not funny [TS]

  Fallon part oh that's right got it right [TS]

  here ok but so he he writes this very [TS]

  thoughtful personal essay in the style [TS]

  of someone who is just who is simply [TS]

  saying here's how it is for me like and [TS]

  he is a he it's a very it's very it's [TS]

  just a personal and touching anecdotes [TS]

  that you cannot argue with you know it [TS]

  is not a political [TS]

  comment really at all except that at the [TS]

  end he kind of ties it to this national [TS]

  conversation personal essay as we used [TS]

  to say it's a personal essay and it's a [TS]

  personal essay that I that I read and [TS]

  liked a great deal because it describes [TS]

  a kind of private experience that he's [TS]

  having as a large black guy with a [TS]

  gigantic afro and his his success and [TS]

  his fame and the fact that he has a [TS]

  beloved person and now lives in a [TS]

  doorman building it in you know in [TS]

  having achieved everything that he set [TS]

  out to and more he still is subject to [TS]

  and he's very careful to describe it not [TS]

  as subjected to but just subject to a [TS]

  kind of treatment where people are [TS]

  scared of him because of how he looks [TS]

  and he's aware of it and has been his [TS]

  whole life but it's still you know wears [TS]

  him down over time in in a way that [TS]

  everybody can relate to you know where [TS]

  he and he's just telling the story and I [TS]

  read it and it was like fuck its if more [TS]

  people wrote with this kind of just [TS]

  simple candor if our carpet for national [TS]

  conversation included voices like this [TS]

  where they weren't where you know and [TS]

  kind of like obama's speech to the same [TS]

  fact and it's like anyway I posted this [TS]

  a link to this just like hey this is a [TS]

  great thing and I think everybody should [TS]

  read it and I immediately got a bunch of [TS]

  like again push back in the form of well [TS]

  that's not the whole story and i was i [TS]

  was astonished [TS]

  was astonished [TS]

  at at how primed have primed the world [TS]

  is to reject even like the the best [TS]

  hearted attempts to say like better than [TS]

  that [TS]

  oh we're not here to take your gun you [TS]

  don't think that's the medium know John [TS]

  I mean you're putting out you're putting [TS]

  it out there in you know it's a quote [TS]

  myself you know the the internet is not [TS]

  what you have to say it's what others [TS]

  have to say about you [TS]

  it's like when you when you put [TS]

  something out there like that even with [TS]

  the best heart no matter who you are [TS]

  it's going to be about somebody else [TS]

  coming back with whatever they think [TS]

  their thing is even if they're dumb ass [TS]

  I mean you know I don't want to get in [TS]

  battle you know I i wonder if it if I [TS]

  mean in 1975 when Time magazine was the [TS]

  only place the the only national den [TS]

  right the only thing that everybody read [TS]

  first of all NSA like that would never [TS]

  appear in Time magazine but also we had [TS]

  no sense of we had no sense of the great [TS]

  hundreds of thousands of people who read [TS]

  Time magazine every week and threw it [TS]

  against the wall and said a bunch of [TS]

  jimmy carter liberal communist [TS]

  communists so we we have was at the [TS]

  police officer from confederacy of [TS]

  dunces some kind of communist Dominus um [TS]

  she's a grandma and and so now you know [TS]

  now we have insight into all these door [TS]

  dark corners but but also like my the [TS]

  people who are following me on Twitter [TS]

  presumably are not a broad cross-section [TS]

  of America they are a self-selected [TS]

  group of indeed twerps and comedy [TS]

  computer nerds and people who are [TS]

  presumably taken people who are [TS]

  animating bird gifts [TS]

  22 appear you know but no bows [TS]

  uh well I've never I've never I know you [TS]

  weren't point I'm sorry John I know you [TS]

  were pointing that at me but I've never [TS]

  felt worse about three nouns up in [TS]

  comedy computer nerd [TS]

  oh that's depressing [TS]

  it's a big part that's a big part of my [TS]

  demographic now but even among those [TS]

  people and this is what I'm saying like [TS]

  I i look at that guy who are let's take [TS]

  would take one of the detained the [TS]

  person responding to questlove's was [TS]

  just like westlink what happened about [TS]

  Trayvon but I've ad and and you feel [TS]

  like okay this guide is probably because [TS]

  he's following me on twitter he is [TS]

  probably not [TS]

  oh he is probably not a racist he's [TS]

  probably not a a gun nut in the Idaho [TS]

  mountains he is probably a kid who feels [TS]

  like he has to like you're saying [TS]

  because of the medium he has to take he [TS]

  he feels like he has to take this [TS]

  oppositional position because there is [TS]

  no place to be [TS]

  there's no place in his world to read [TS]

  something and go hmm well that's [TS]

  interesting [TS]

  like he he lives now in a in a lives in [TS]

  a world where [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  we're here in a certain in certain [TS]

  extent like he has been called a racist [TS]

  so much for expressing like [TS]

  middle-of-the-road views that he's [TS]

  beginning to feel like well maybe you [TS]

  know maybe I am [TS]

  or maybe I maybe there's some merit to [TS]

  that you know what I mean like he is [TS]

  being pushed to the right by assist by a [TS]

  bio by living in a world where there is [TS]

  no room for him to be in them you know [TS]

  slightly to the right of the middle [TS]

  I mean I feel that more and more reading [TS]

  people on the internet who are taking [TS]

  who are taking like stances that you [TS]

  really don't feel like they own but but [TS]

  that they've been nudged there by the by [TS]

  the fact that there's no room to say [TS]

  well you know there's there's two sides [TS]

  to every coin and I mean obviously the [TS]

  Trayvon thing is what I'm talking about [TS]

  but it doesn't cost anything that's part [TS]

  of the problem [TS]

  yeah none of it none of it cost anything [TS]

  and you know it's I don't know the first [TS]

  thing about economics I mean everything [TS]

  i know about economics I've learned from [TS]

  Wikipedia but you know that's not true [TS]

  you you took me down to the University [TS]

  of San Francisco computer store because [TS]

  you knew [TS]

  oh that's right was gonna have to you [TS]

  know I was going to get a better deal on [TS]

  my computer I don't sound contradictory [TS]

  John but i think that's really more [TS]

  about finance that no i mean the the [TS]

  idea that things cost stuff you know [TS]

  it's it's I mean that that's that's a [TS]

  big part of the problem is that it [TS]

  doesn't cost anything it doesn't cost [TS]

  anything to be a radical it doesn't cost [TS]

  anything to agree with this person there [TS]

  and agree with that person there you [TS]

  know it's it doesn't it's there's [TS]

  nothing to it but there's no and I'm [TS]

  feeling the cost i guess this is the [TS]

  business case you actually fucking [TS]

  caring you and you inhabit the the point [TS]

  of view that's costly yeah [TS]

  yes it is it costs it makes a it makes [TS]

  bruises on my heart like an apple at the [TS]

  bottom of a bin ya stop there for a [TS]

  second marker there I gotta go get opee [TS]

  can call you back in a minute [TS]

  oh yeah you don't want to just leave it [TS]

  running no I I don't trust this thing [TS]

  here is the primary problem i have [TS]

  shopping for a suburban on on the [TS]

  Internet yeah people who are selling old [TS]

  Suburbans are the number one they are [TS]

  the number one miss spellers of the word [TS]

  original huh [TS]

  they'll put it all put an extra 0 in [TS]

  original in it so it says a red guy on [TS]

  all our original organ nononono or a [TS]

  Donal and so I want to buy this truck [TS]

  and I and I gotta click on it says i [TS]

  have a lifted set so anyway no [TS]

  punctuation in this whole ad i have a [TS]

  lifted 73 suburban on 35's built motor [TS]

  has headers full exhaust E with an e at [TS]

  the end full exhaust the intake carb has [TS]

  cam runs and drive great Oregon old [TS]

  paint has nice weld wheels and pretty [TS]

  good tyres interiors like new no rips or [TS]

  tears ta IRS has ruder mate no carpet [TS]

  has dual shocks d ule dual shocks and as [TS]

  custom front drive line please call for [TS]

  more information have title in hand in [TS]

  my name I can text more picture i can [TS]

  text more pics and i'm reading and I'm [TS]

  just like the hope it makes you happy [TS]

  were older men that makes us wind it [TS]

  because we've had poetry classes you're [TS]

  you're you're reading that allowed in [TS]

  your head [TS]

  yes i am it doesn't scan well no end and [TS]

  you know and and part of me feels like a [TS]

  part of me feels like it's from [TS]

  Jabberwocky [TS]

  and so it was original paint and had no [TS]

  tears the tires were pretty good you [TS]

  know and and part of part of me thinks [TS]

  its EE cummings because there's I mean [TS]

  it's just might as well be but uh but so [TS]

  I think about like i'm going to call [TS]

  this guy [TS]

  and talk to him about his truck and I'm [TS]

  going to say has full exhaust the intake [TS]

  carb has cam runs out god you're that [TS]

  guy and no i'm not gonna be that guy but [TS]

  I'm just gonna be like so hows it [TS]

  how's the truck and whatever he says I'm [TS]

  just gonna hear him speak with no [TS]

  graduation then note and not and not a [TS]

  spell tear it's got a net and so stay [TS]

  from the front says it's got access [TS]

  today [TS]

  you know what though I wonder if that's [TS]

  like fake you think that's like fake [TS]

  barn find okay let me ask you this how [TS]

  many guys you by harley touring [TS]

  motorcycle gang right yeah 0m huh [TS]

  you should do it I mean maybe trading 4a [TS]

  like a stroke and white or something [TS]

  what guy I'm gonna I'll give you a [TS]

  thousand bucks less than your asking but [TS]

  i'm gonna i got a nice copy a nice like [TS]

  lightly used copy of Strunk and white [TS]

  omit needless words that I am I have [TS]

  have the and Landers encyclopedia that a [TS]

  data the everyone should read the [TS]

  animators encyclopedia suburban bombax [TS]

  I've realized how much my humor is [TS]

  becoming like Erma Bombeck that's the [TS]

  problem with great with aging and [TS]

  becoming conservative am i right [TS]

  started he started to laugh about jokes [TS]

  about potholders my new perfumes baby [TS]

  poop haha that's how I feel that's how I [TS]

  feel and scott simpson first made that [TS]

  joke a while back here kids before me so [TS]

  they've got I really feel like I like [TS]

  I've been ongoing I'm an ongoing army [TS]

  bomb back and active [TS]

  yeah i had my first experience today [TS]

  where I was that I went to my my [TS]

  luncheon with my young dad friends here [TS]

  we have a groupie on Dad's what we could [TS]

  together what are you called were called [TS]

  the young Bad's then I have everything [TS]

  that's got McCoy band average age is [TS]

  about 43 of the young dads and the other [TS]

  guys in my young dad parenting group of [TS]

  their their babies are all much younger [TS]

  they are little babies and so I've been [TS]

  up till now the one that's like listen [TS]

  it gets better and here's the stairs the [TS]

  deal just wait no don't don't give him a [TS]

  pacifier because they're going to be the [TS]

  pacifier baby [TS]

  you're so wise you want to just tough it [TS]

  out people it's but today was the first [TS]

  day where you know where one of them has [TS]

  a little baby that's strapped into a [TS]

  carriage and can't move and the other [TS]

  one has a baby that's so little that he [TS]

  didn't even bring any left with the mom [TS]

  and I'm the one with the [TS]

  two-and-a-half-year-old sitting on my [TS]

  lap going daddy [TS]

  we have to go daddy we have to go daddy [TS]

  we have to go daddy we have to go and [TS]

  I'm like hey I'm having lunch with some [TS]

  friends and she's like we have to go we [TS]

  have to go like we don't have to go [TS]

  she's like no we have to go and and I'm [TS]

  realizing like oh now I'm that now I'm [TS]

  the one with the kid who is behaving [TS]

  like a little person rather than up the [TS]

  love that little bug in a basket now [TS]

  she's a little person with like and and [TS]

  and my friends are in the same situation [TS]

  I was in two years ago where they're [TS]

  looking at me like them [TS]

  boy that kids not turn out too good and [TS]

  I'm like oh my little by little kid is [TS]

  uniting outnet you know now i'm now my [TS]

  parenting is on display [TS]

  no no good as the the pudding is out [TS]

  there and the proof is just stuck in [TS]

  looks like a cinnamon stick [TS]

  yeah I go to the supermarket and and she [TS]

  starts you know she starts yelling a you [TS]

  know about daddy's PP or whatever and [TS]

  I'm like looking around like no no it's [TS]

  not like that [TS]

  we're just talking we were potty [TS]

  training now we we get a lot of penis [TS]

  talk there's there's already the cops of [TS]

  the sheriff surprise or we were walking [TS]

  from school the other day and she said [TS]

  her new band is going to be called out [TS]

  was it was bird penis part fart poop and [TS]

  looks pretty good now here's the thing [TS]

  i'm gonna say one thing about this and I [TS]

  hope that this is going to be what I [TS]

  stand on going forward i have i have to [TS]

  hold out a lot of fucking wisdom about [TS]

  being a father and you know along the [TS]

  way people kinda getting said you know a [TS]

  you know it's complicated [TS]

  yeah you have to do when you want the [TS]

  things you really just [TS]

  isn't it beautiful in here you know what [TS]

  I'm done I'm done I'm done being fucking [TS]

  wise guy i know it's going to be out [TS]

  pretty soon I'm gonna be like my [TS]

  brother-in-law with the drinks except [TS]

  not successful in taiwan lab genoa oh [TS]

  yeah he recommended three books to me [TS]

  before I could go in and like take a [TS]

  leak [TS]

  he had books for me but that I should [TS]

  get was he wearing a pink Oxford cloth [TS]

  shirt tucked into jeans pretty close huh [TS]

  tassel loafers he was the quarterback in [TS]

  high school but not not a dork i mean [TS]

  like hehe was he went to a really good [TS]

  school use a little his lawyer is a very [TS]

  very smart guy but like everybody with a [TS]

  daughter who's older than 10 or 11 he's [TS]

  broken by life [TS]

  oh yeah i know that's coming my daughter [TS]

  archives I'm gonna cry tomorrow [TS]

  wednesday is going to be our last [TS]

  daddy-daughter comics day before she [TS]

  starts elementary school and it's eating [TS]

  me up [TS]

  yeah she's wearing she's gonna wear [TS]

  spider-man costume to pick which one [TS]

  haha no wonder she's into Project Runway [TS]

  you know what I'm done being wise and [TS]

  I'm done being sweet [TS]

  I'm done I'm done I have nothing to [TS]

  share I've nothing to share except you [TS]

  know you're just gonna fuck up a lot [TS]

  that's all I got to say that's what [TS]

  you'd be okay with that [TS]

  yeah i'm already fine with it and you [TS]

  know fortunately the child has a mother [TS]

  that must but the thing is Jonathan must [TS]

  grind your gears I mean your your whole [TS]

  thing is is predicated on the degree to [TS]

  which you can help people if they must [TS]

  drive you crazy to not be able to help [TS]

  her more it seems like it must seem like [TS]

  just slightly out of reach [TS]

  well this is this is the problem like [TS]

  with with other people with fully grown [TS]

  adults at i try to people on the [TS]

  internet and people on the internet i [TS]

  tried to apply a certain amount of [TS]

  helpful pressure i realized the other [TS]

  day marlin and this is a terrible thing [TS]

  I am prejudiced against delicate people [TS]

  who just realized that [TS]

  well yeah I didn't realize that it was a [TS]

  full-blown prejudice like I felt like [TS]

  telling people it's like book are going [TS]

  i realized sometimes I'm a little [TS]

  intolerant niggas tell delicate people i [TS]

  guess i had not [TS]

  identified them as a subspecies are you [TS]

  kid yeah you're kidding no I'm not I i [TS]

  think i felt like someone is our [TS]

  strongest parts of your personality is [TS]

  your complete lack of sympathy for [TS]

  delicate people but I felt like some [TS]

  delicate people were were hearty people [TS]

  that just needed some help and some [TS]

  delicate people were you know words [TS]

  legitimately delicate and needed to be [TS]

  protected protected from the Sun and [TS]

  that that was even look at some of the [TS]

  lady had chemo like you give her a pass [TS]

  sure or there are bird people like Halle [TS]

  bones [TS]

  yeah-hoo-hoo have you or have small bowl [TS]

  and I think what it was my mom [TS]

  speculates that sometime in human past [TS]

  people were selectively choosing a very [TS]

  delicate women to be there kind of court [TS]

  ladies and then unfortunately some [TS]

  little boys were born with this water [TS]

  with similar traits [TS]

  oh you like the Spanish aristocracy [TS]

  right exactly a you get exactly it [TS]

  within blood the inbreeding in blood [TS]

  mhm but but now I'm realizing like [TS]

  delicate delicateness because and and I [TS]

  wonder whether it isn't that I am that I [TS]

  am so sturdy that there's some kind of [TS]

  inner class issue dating back to like [TS]

  britannia where I where where I was bred [TS]

  to pull a plow and i'm i'm i'm mad at [TS]

  people where you can see the where you [TS]

  can see their little bird skulls and the [TS]

  you see the the blue veins through their [TS]

  translucent skin i'm still mad at them [TS]

  because i feel like i'm still pulling a [TS]

  plow someone who but but anyway the the [TS]

  pressure that I that I apply to the to [TS]

  the world in the in the hopes that I can [TS]

  make the the part of the world that that [TS]

  connects with me a little sturdier to [TS]

  its own benefits [TS]

  I'm realizing that I cannot apply such [TS]

  pressure on my daughter past a certain [TS]

  point because she most definitely is who [TS]

  she is and any amount of any amount of [TS]

  pressure on her beyond just the just the [TS]

  normal pressure of you will call me sir [TS]

  in this house of the hip beyond that [TS]

  beyond that like trying to get her to be [TS]

  any kind of Army sergeant I work for a [TS]

  look if you look you will call me hair [TS]

  professor doctor but beyond that like [TS]

  trying to try to shape her like hey [TS]

  honey I want you to consider the crew [TS]

  team or even you know like she's already [TS]

  showing a preference for certain kinds [TS]

  of books over certain other books it's [TS]

  just like overhead knowing no no you [TS]

  know like I you know potty books like [TS]

  The this book this party book features [TS]

  only its board book over that board at [TS]

  this party book features a duck she [TS]

  prefers the potty book that features a [TS]

  dark rather than the one featuring a pic [TS]

  and of course there is one that has both [TS]

  ducks and pigs [TS]

  that's the best seller but you know what [TS]

  I'm saying like I can up the my instinct [TS]

  which has always been to get right [TS]

  inside of people's heads and Tinker now [TS]

  with this little person who has come to [TS]

  me through through some magic witchcraft [TS]

  i realize i cannot take her overmuch [TS]

  with her because I see how much of her I [TS]

  i think my suspicions with other people [TS]

  is that most of their weakness it is a [TS]

  product of the of skin some pussy [TS]

  upbringing or some bullshit that they [TS]

  learned in college while some and some [TS]

  bullshit they've been applauded for some [TS]

  bullshit that they've been applauded for [TS]

  that's right but never that never had [TS]

  somebody take the pig look away and with [TS]

  it but with this little person who has [TS]

  arrived and i see that every really [TS]

  every personality trait that she has is [TS]

  something that none of us can claim [TS]

  responsibility for and I just AM like oh [TS]

  my god get out of her way like I [TS]

  must get out way records what's [TS]

  terrifying everyone is that a minute ago [TS]

  about how I'm not gonna try to be wise [TS]

  I'm gonna say this one thing this second [TS]

  one thing which is that I used to think [TS]

  that my daughter brought out the best in [TS]

  me and I'm pretty sure this is not her [TS]

  fault this is my fault i'm pretty sure [TS]

  she brings out very near the worst in me [TS]

  oh no and I mean like I'm still I I'll [TS]

  and here's the thing i mean like okay so [TS]

  think about when you're when you're a [TS]

  teenager and maybe not you but you were [TS]

  certainly surrounded by guys who like I [TS]

  do everything for her and I love her [TS]

  like why doesn't she love me like shut [TS]

  the fuck up you're making this all about [TS]

  you you could give a shit about that [TS]

  woman if you really cared if you loved [TS]

  in the true sense of the word you would [TS]

  leave her alone [TS]

  that's what love is it you know what if [TS]

  you love that girl and it's obvious she [TS]

  doesn't like you [TS]

  if it's love in the true sense of the [TS]

  word in the sense of like you care more [TS]

  about their welfare than yours [TS]

  go away there's a nice set them free and [TS]

  if they come back to you hire one of the [TS]

  marsalis brothers huh [TS]

  ok so here's what i say that gives you [TS]

  lemons that's right i used to think that [TS]

  like oh this is it and gentlemen fide me [TS]

  and maybe they're wise and now i sit [TS]

  there and go oh my god and like day [TS]

  after day after motherfucking day I have [TS]

  these constant real estate you get ready [TS]

  for this because that's really a fun [TS]

  ride getting up doing a three by five [TS]

  card okay to get a five by seven [TS]

  this is a wide point I I i used to have [TS]

  to think of the worst the worst i'm [TS]

  gonna have with myself as being a [TS]

  helicopter father was stolen and you [TS]

  know in the sense that like tonight [TS]

  we're watching the project runway season [TS]

  two finale and I wanted to sit still so [TS]

  I can see if Chloe wins no spoilers but [TS]

  she was really tired and spinning around [TS]

  and coming very close to hitting her [TS]

  head on the corner of something which is [TS]

  one of my personal like I i have a real [TS]

  paranoia about that sure it happened to [TS]

  me [TS]

  oh my gosh i had a gash in my head when [TS]

  I was a kid I don't yeah exactly [TS]

  whatever you know whatever it is you [TS]

  want in the same way that like if you [TS]

  make it through the depression you don't [TS]

  want your kids to be hungry like save [TS]

  money right that kind of thing and well [TS]

  in fact I got a gash in my head and the [TS]

  Jewish guild poured out [TS]

  so it actually save the Golden Goose [TS]

  involved in London golden goose and [TS]

  choice i'm not careful careful i would [TS]

  also talked about how the glory I got a [TS]

  note here anything I am I just got the [TS]

  best of me but oh you know I'm letting [TS]

  so much about myself and become so wise [TS]

  and and you know what i realized i [TS]

  realize holy shit i like I want to be [TS]

  like a big brother that she admires I I [TS]

  want to like me I want her to think I'm [TS]

  cool [TS]

  oh I want will know I'm being honest I'm [TS]

  being honest like no and Adam can't [TS]

  speak for you but like it wouldn't be [TS]

  nice if you could go in there while [TS]

  she's got her duck and Orpik book you [TS]

  could say something very wise and you [TS]

  would see a moment where in her eyes she [TS]

  saw how right you were [TS]

  mm right instead make maybe you will [TS]

  have that I don't know more and more [TS]

  often though I realize like how [TS]

  completely full of shit i am i'm so full [TS]

  of shit I mean I know I'm full of shit [TS]

  its kind of my men my deal [TS]

  yeah but but like with with this brand [TS]

  now if thats doesn't say but that's [TS]

  that's the thing and that's what that is [TS]

  the that's little what my little cocoon [TS]

  to shed its like going like what we know [TS]

  and I've said this really like high and [TS]

  fucking high and mighty thing from the [TS]

  beginning that I've always believed i [TS]

  still believe but now I feel more and [TS]

  more after we put my money where my [TS]

  mouth is which is get out of her way and [TS]

  let her become the person that she's [TS]

  gonna be yeah which I still extremely [TS]

  like that is that's like an article of [TS]

  faith to me that is harder and harder to [TS]

  do as like I have fun times with her [TS]

  we have things we have in common i mean [TS]

  you know I'd like to think that I'm very [TS]

  supportive of whatever she wants to do [TS]

  will play what she wants to play as long [TS]

  as it's about comics but you know now [TS]

  she's really into drawing which I'm like [TS]

  so into and I find myself saying but [TS]

  here's how dumb I am I found myself [TS]

  saying Haley that was awesome [TS]

  like you just drew the laundry in the in [TS]

  the washing machine that was really cool [TS]

  and then like shut the fuck up like [TS]

  don't tell her like that looks good like [TS]

  you want her to like live for your [TS]

  praise right because why because I want [TS]

  to be praised and I and then by [TS]

  extension how horrible is this [TS]

  I want her to like me because I praised [TS]

  her [TS]

  stupid is that yeah I'm just being [TS]

  honest I'm just being honest and I think [TS]

  that was very wise may be very [TS]

  supportive parent not very wise and and [TS]

  it's like you know that the the hardest [TS]

  part of this is like the hard part was [TS]

  not just being sleepy that actually that [TS]

  was the hardest part [TS]

  it was very hard to be sleeping all the [TS]

  time but i'm fine i'm thinking even more [TS]

  difficult to have to shed the parts of [TS]

  my personality i thought were helpful [TS]

  yeah to get the fuck out of the way and [TS]

  to stop being a 237 12 14 19 year old [TS]

  person with the situation i don't know [TS]

  that's just and that's why I'm done [TS]

  being wise that's as wise as i can get [TS]

  this point is like I have no fucking [TS]

  idea what's going on [TS]

  I hope she learns to make good decisions [TS]

  and if she doesn't like that's just [TS]

  going to have to be okay yeah i feel [TS]

  like i have already rehearsed her first [TS]

  driving lesson so many times haha but [TS]

  her first driving lesson when she's like [TS]

  I want to learn to drive [TS]

  I'm going to effort [TS]

  first of all you know i'm gonna i'm [TS]

  going to school strapped into my driving [TS]

  lesson costume i will come I will have [TS]

  bought and restored a car just hit [TS]

  myself that because you've already kind [TS]

  of thought out the components of cars [TS]

  dome [TS]

  oh yeah absolutely i mean you know the [TS]

  costume will have a will have a brass by [TS]

  glass will have a sigma tar certainly [TS]

  gonna be like a cyberpunk modern [TS]

  major-general kinda feel yeah that's [TS]

  right and her first driving lesson is [TS]

  going to last a month and a half [TS]

  we're gonna we're gonna leave the home [TS]

  this is not getting her ready for Tierra [TS]

  del Fuego right now [TS]

  that's right this is just making laying [TS]

  the groundwork she's gonna be you know [TS]

  she'll be 15 and a half and she's gonna [TS]

  go she's got a little drop i will go to [TS]

  the mall or I want to go to hot topic or [TS]

  get a malted it's like you're like you [TS]

  know what P now that's 45 days before we [TS]

  stop I'm gonna walk over to a loyal [TS]

  painting on the wall i'm going to slide [TS]

  it over to decide I'm gonna punch in a [TS]

  15 number code into a keypad [TS]

  the floor is gonna slide open and we're [TS]

  gonna go down into a mine shaft where [TS]

  the Batmobile away and you're gonna look [TS]

  like when you were you like like whip [TS]

  away like the the cover of the car and [TS]

  there will be waiting there is the joys [TS]

  of driving education car and it's gonna [TS]

  be like all right before before you get [TS]

  into the car deserves a five hour long [TS]

  serious there's a five hour long [TS]

  checklist and we're gonna go around this [TS]

  track tire pressure again check the [TS]

  pressure at everything we're going to [TS]

  where you are going to test the tensile [TS]

  strength of every single spoke in the [TS]

  wire wheels of this austin-healey 100m [TS]

  and she's just gonna be like I would [TS]

  rather never drive you're not ready [TS]

  I mean that's right music you're not [TS]

  ready not ready and then you spray [TS]

  something her face like that man says [TS]

  you can't remember but here's here's [TS]

  what I really worried i worry that I'm [TS]

  gonna start giving her driver's license [TS]

  driving lessons when she seven she's [TS]

  gonna be sitting next to me trying to [TS]

  look at her dora the explorer coloring [TS]

  book and we like see this see what this [TS]

  semi is doing right now see the semi is [TS]

  doing now this could cause an accident [TS]

  if I hadn't been looking 15 seconds [TS]

  ahead we would be in a very different [TS]

  lane right now do you understand that [TS]

  young lady understand what Lane we would [TS]

  be in right now [TS]

  you really are a board book that happens [TS]

  to be from England you're like and just [TS]

  so you know that's the wrong side the [TS]

  drive on a public you would like the [TS]

  forehead you wanna make sure you you [TS]

  know like I've been showing her kung fu [TS]

  movies and you [TS]

  oh yeah I think you're aware that you [TS]

  are going to turn her into one of those [TS]

  like people that like living humans who [TS]

  believe there are a superhero and like [TS]

  fight crime in downtown sir [TS]

  something like x 23 I think it might be [TS]

  i think i might be turning her into some [TS]

  kind of a superhero assassin you know [TS]

  x-23 personally know I've never met her [TS]

  she's had a lot of problems got mommy [TS]

  issues [TS]

  here's the thing I i did i did this ok [TS]

  here's what I did so every single time [TS]

  you've ever seen a kung fu movie with [TS]

  awesome fighting in it was the very [TS]

  first thing that you wanted to do as [TS]

  soon as that seen ended [TS]

  want to know what here and kick somebody [TS]

  in the face fucking-a right yeah and you [TS]

  hear the words that came out of my mouth [TS]

  last week [TS]

  okay i'm going to show you a scene from [TS]

  a movie called it man and i'ma show you [TS]

  a scene from a movie called enter the [TS]

  dragon but i'm only going to shoot and [TS]

  hear you if you promise that you're not [TS]

  gonna start hitting and kicking things [TS]

  em and guess how it worked out it worked [TS]

  out half great [TS]

  she promised well shoot that she wasn't [TS]

  gonna kick that mean she's you know [TS]

  she's five-and-a-half contact with her [TS]

  is nobody knows [TS]

  well it's john like how many times if [TS]

  you had people say to you well here's [TS]

  the thing and I'm going to menus and you [TS]

  don't mmm [TS]

  you know provisionally I mean she's [TS]

  smart enough to know that like I'm again [TS]

  she knows I'm full of shit [TS]

  yeah and like how many I mean to watch [TS]

  the scene where Bruce Lee fights the guy [TS]

  with the big scar on his eye and like [TS]

  does the the kick and send him flying [TS]

  across the folding chairs amazing my [TS]

  daughter has done nothing but kicked me [TS]

  for five days and I deserved every [TS]

  single one of them [TS]

  what did you think you were gonna get [TS]

  what did I think i was gonna get was [TS]

  like I can inoculate myself like I could [TS]

  have her sign some kind of a waiver [TS]

  ya know daddy I will not I do not desire [TS]

  to enact this incredible scene over and [TS]

  over i'm gonna show you seen from this [TS]

  this wing chun movie that involves guys [TS]

  on wires flying through the air with [TS]

  swords and but you're not allowed to [TS]

  want to imitate it [TS]

  yeah so last night I have never done [TS]

  this before but last night you know I'm [TS]

  putting the baby to bed and she's doing [TS]

  she doesn't wanna go to bed she's a [TS]

  little fussy or whatever and I'm like [TS]

  okay you know what [TS]

  well let's go watch some Michael Jackson [TS]

  videos and so we go and we watch we [TS]

  watch Billy gene and we want to beat it [TS]

  and by the end of of beat it [TS]

  she is she's standing on the bed dancing [TS]

  little two-and-a-half-year-old michael [TS]

  jackson dance and I realize like okay at [TS]

  their I can still I can still I can [TS]

  still real this in this doesn't mean [TS]

  that she's going to get that this [TS]

  doesn't mean that she's going to be a [TS]

  like are on a living color i get i can [TS]

  still get this back something but I [TS]

  could still get this back as well [TS]

  somebody's gotta be something another [TS]

  like the girl like the girl from the [TS]

  girl with the big the big radio box and [TS]

  other tights [TS]

  in the helmet television troop fights [TS]

  under it [TS]

  okay so she's dancing along is also why [TS]

  the fuck would you show her Billie Jean [TS]

  that video has never made any sense [TS]

  this is the guy in the trench coat what [TS]

  is this is what I didn't realize it [TS]

  makes no sense [TS]

  Luigi not only makes no sense but it was [TS]

  like deeply profoundly cheesy it's and [TS]

  it's quite cheesy plus creepy equals [TS]

  1982a cheesy plus creepy and yet every [TS]

  second that MJ is on the screen is all [TS]

  unimpeachable moment like he is the [TS]

  coolest and he is surrounded by like the [TS]

  what what the little tiger swatch that [TS]

  turns into a tiger cub that you're just [TS]

  showing off now that you have access to [TS]

  a tiger cup that's all that is and and [TS]

  the and the the old hobo that you that [TS]

  he throws a coin in his company [TS]

  Jamie turns into cab calloway yeah a [TS]

  white tuxedo like none of that's all she [TS]

  told gibberish your dad would have [TS]

  appreciated that [TS]

  What's Wrong everyone in kalamazoo he's [TS]

  like some white cap gown I don't even [TS]

  understand get it was sitting there in [TS]

  the first place she's gonna walk around [TS]

  thinking every time that she steps on a [TS]

  large tile and the like but but the [TS]

  thing about that videos it makes so [TS]

  little sense i'm never going to show it [TS]

  to her again [TS]

  no but beat it a whole cat massive being [TS]

  it is like an it's being is like an [TS]

  entire season of 21 Jump Street peated [TS]

  it's there's so much going on in that [TS]

  and every one of those every one of [TS]

  those gangsters like I believe i'm [TS]

  looking at all their faces as their as [TS]

  they're they're rolling up on that [TS]

  flatbed truck and they're very in the [TS]

  sense that they do literally want to [TS]

  beat it [TS]

  they look like they are there to be to [TS]

  have come to play ball and you know none [TS]

  of them feel like oh there's a there's a [TS]

  guy that they got there is a guy they [TS]

  cast like even the white guy that looks [TS]

  like that looks like the guy from [TS]

  terminator one who came back in time to [TS]

  fight the Terminator what the hell is [TS]

  his name [TS]

  you know I'm saying who's the guy that [TS]

  made it with sarah connor [TS]

  that produced John Connor oh the future [TS]

  guy in my head of confusing with one of [TS]

  the Warriors like one of the windy guys [TS]

  in the Warriors mmm III know II mean [TS]

  maybe the same actor but you know what i [TS]

  mean like the guy what's-his-name the [TS]

  Terminator not-not-not bill not Bill [TS]

  Miller book bill bill pullman so anyway [TS]

  what situation values she couldn't sleep [TS]

  and so you put this in front of her she [TS]

  glog at this point she suggests Bragi [TS]

  she's groggy but you know she is she is [TS]

  still because she's an infant person or [TS]

  or toddler person she still lives in a [TS]

  world where I don't think there's a [TS]

  tremendous differentiation between [TS]

  dreamland and wake land and certainly [TS]

  when she is around daddy [TS]

  whoo-hoo although he cannot conjure an [TS]

  orb can seemingly conjure many many [TS]

  things [TS]

  daddy can conjure macaroni and cheese [TS]

  daddy can conjure music on the stereo [TS]

  daddy can conjure michael jackson on the [TS]

  ipad daddy is amazing [TS]

  still and so I think that she you know [TS]

  she like I showed her Teletubbies for [TS]

  the first time not very long ago and how [TS]

  she's only seen one episode we still say [TS]

  Oh pinky Winky but it has put that but [TS]

  tinky winky has removed itself from any [TS]

  connection to Teletubbies at all and [TS]

  it's just become it's become a meme [TS]

  frankly in our family but catch phrase [TS]

  that means you're subverting the [TS]

  dominant paradigm since it means you [TS]

  done goofed that's what it means [TS]

  you done goofed Oh tinky winky that [TS]

  means you done goofed are our friend of [TS]

  the show John siracusa has something [TS]

  that I really wish I got my hands around [TS]

  earlier which is that he has I think is [TS]

  an older son in particular he will but [TS]

  he's got a couple kids he refuses to [TS]

  even acknowledge that the the the star [TS]

  wars prequels the trilogy exist [TS]

  and and then like they're there and he's [TS]

  like what you know that they're there [TS]

  like if they find blu-rays they find the [TS]

  dvds like that's ok but I i'm not going [TS]

  to acknowledge that they exist that [TS]

  Teletubbies needs to be on that kind of [TS]

  level you have to be so careful what you [TS]

  introduce because you never know what [TS]

  will stick our III admire a admired that [TS]

  I deeply admire it [TS]

  he's a very admirable guy you guys [TS]

  should do a podcast you to Syracuse is [TS]

  that some kind of italian name is Ian [TS]

  syracuse yeah John siracusa user he's [TS]

  the smartest guy listen to the show that [TS]

  that's like a that's a kind of sausage [TS]

  dream [TS]

  yeah exactly yeah um so I don't know you [TS]

  know you know my feeling about ethnic [TS]

  people all absolutely you are on to them [TS]

  and I feel like they're simple [TS]

  traditions i feel like i feel like the [TS]

  racism of my grandparents right you [TS]

  can't be racist against Italians which [TS]

  was primarily directed at Italians and [TS]

  Irish for good reason that feel like I [TS]

  like as as as more and more music [TS]

  artists are reverting to the music of my [TS]

  great-grandparents which in the in the [TS]

  words of Carl Newman it is is you know [TS]

  shouting over fiddles guy with the [TS]

  Scottish background up i feel like i [TS]

  feel like my new retro affectation is [TS]

  going to be racism against Catholics [TS]

  fucking papers that's fucking papers [TS]