Roderick on the Line

Ep. 81: "It Tastes Like the Forest"


  11 your girls are they on the pill don't [TS]

  ever say that word again [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  hello agent [TS]

  hi Merlin has got good me too [TS]

  my my my breath is bad because of the [TS]

  because of the Atkins diet the change [TS]

  and so tacky tacky tacky to it because [TS]

  it's reflecting back off of my [TS]

  microphone [TS]

  haha no i'm talking into the microphone [TS]

  and then my breath is shooting back at [TS]

  me and it's not your typical like bad [TS]

  breath of someone who doesn't brush his [TS]

  teeth [TS]

  it's this other worldly bad breath [TS]

  I shouldn't ask but can you give me two [TS]

  there is a sourness or a international [TS]

  know it tastes it still tastes like the [TS]

  forest tastes like juniper and regret it [TS]

  tastes like if you took a spade and dug [TS]

  into the dirt of a forest floor not too [TS]

  deep [TS]

  it's a little soil early moments it's a [TS]

  little low me [TS]

  yeah it does it taste like it tastes [TS]

  like I've been eating racoon high and [TS]

  you didn't like the record you're not [TS]

  going to eat it I'm not gonna need a [TS]

  raccoon unless I absolutely have to but [TS]

  you you know this is the thing about [TS]

  grass-fed beef that a lot of people [TS]

  don't realize i make I'm transitioning [TS]

  now to all I'm going on the Portlandia [TS]

  diet I'm transitioning a over to only [TS]

  eating animals whose name I know that's [TS]

  so wise and the thing about animals that [TS]

  eat grass and natural foods and not you [TS]

  know corn and and other animals ground [TS]

  into corn AKA poison the thing about [TS]

  those animals is that they taste very [TS]

  gamey they taste like moose they taste [TS]

  right [TS]

  I started to wonder if I just got a bad [TS]

  load but I got some grass fed beef one [TS]

  time and [TS]

  it tasted like salmon to me right right [TS]

  it tasted wrong wrong off ya off but it [TS]

  isn't off that is the taste of cow that [TS]

  has been heating dandelions which is [TS]

  what they want [TS]

  huh and so I'm having to recalibrate my [TS]

  whole taste scenario because I'm like me [TS]

  beef up now i'm going to eat this [TS]

  healthy beef and it's like yes healthy [TS]

  beef tastes like a moroccan leather [TS]

  factory smells know if you've ever [TS]

  smelled a moroccan leather factory by [TS]

  the cologne but but it will put you off [TS]

  it will put you off your your food for a [TS]

  long time so it doesn't smell like [TS]

  Alexis it smells like cow [TS]

  it smells like it smells like cow that [TS]

  has been stripped with a bone tool and [TS]

  then like hung covered in flies outside [TS]

  of a Moroccan butcher shop we read that [TS]

  off a whole foods thing aren't you in [TS]

  the hot Sun this is what they're [TS]

  aspiring this me to taste like I have a [TS]

  metric in life it's a metric I lived up [TS]

  to every day but it's a you can call it [TS]

  laziness if you like but i think one [TS]

  good metric in life is like success can [TS]

  be money success can be famous success [TS]

  can be i think success as you get older [TS]

  is reducing the amount of complexity in [TS]

  your life so think about being young and [TS]

  like having have a whole bunch of jobs [TS]

  you don't like me can almost no money [TS]

  like one nice bit of getting a little [TS]

  older is you reduce the complexity of [TS]

  having one job that lets you pay your [TS]

  bills like that's you know it may sound [TS]

  kind of simplistic but the problem is [TS]

  like everything I look at obviously [TS]

  getting off meth is good because it [TS]

  reduces the complexity if you're [TS]

  traveling it can be hard to find good [TS]

  math racers it's true but like I said [TS]

  we're traveling but yes let's see that [TS]

  some people as they get older they go oh [TS]

  like it's not enough for me to have the [TS]

  ABC well brand of scotch [TS]

  now I've got to have the glenlivet [TS]

  excellent fish which is great and the [TS]

  tasty but then pretty soon you can't [TS]

  have a well brand anything again you [TS]

  become beer guy and I'm worried that if [TS]

  I improve my health [TS]

  and I mean I don't need as much junk [TS]

  food as i used because it doesn't make [TS]

  me feel bad to eat a lot of junk food as [TS]

  you're learning i guess but um but I [TS]

  worry that like if I get on that whole [TS]

  grass-fed thing i'm going to be paying [TS]

  like forty dollars a pound for something [TS]

  that tastes like Morocco yeah and then [TS]

  eventually get used to that you know [TS]

  what I mean yeah you had anything like [TS]

  your music club McLuhan your fear me [TS]

  I imagine I imagine for you maybe this [TS]

  is something like with your ears like [TS]

  you like you're very sensitive to sound [TS]

  but you'd like you know you you can't [TS]

  listen to bad sounding music you if you [TS]

  would probably not want to listen like a [TS]

  low quality mp3 for example right says [TS]

  it's similar because I mean like I don't [TS]

  mind that like I'm fine to rip it 320 or [TS]

  loss now and I do actually hear the [TS]

  difference even though I'm death which [TS]

  means that the hand side away from have [TS]

  to go to whole foods to get a burger you [TS]

  just hold up your phone on the on the [TS]

  muni just just click the volume button [TS]

  all the way up and like check it out [TS]

  blurred lines to do product if I hear [TS]

  that goddamn Macklemore song one more [TS]

  time he said nobody says and that's what [TS]

  I'm gonna most talented he notices a [TS]

  long series is he was his mom reminds [TS]

  him that he was into girls since before [TS]

  pre k I know now I was into girls before [TS]

  pre before pre pretty for before pre k I [TS]

  feel bad about macklemore because I the [TS]

  hometown boys right at your home team [TS]

  oh yeah and I like him personally I [TS]

  think he's a very nice guy and he is a [TS]

  super cool guy and and it's the classic [TS]

  thing seattle thing as he's coming up [TS]

  everybody's like oh my god local guide [TS]

  check him out he's like making it he's [TS]

  so cool and then as soon as he gets [TS]

  popular than all the hipsters are hating [TS]

  him and so I go to his video shoot the [TS]

  other day and i'm at the video shoot [TS]

  I like Macklemore I like him as a person [TS]

  I'm there to support him and I am doing [TS]

  my thing which is standing in a crowd [TS]

  full of young people and I am commenting [TS]

  on their territorial disappearance and [TS]

  their behavior and I'm like look at [TS]

  these young people they are almost human [TS]

  beings [TS]

  uh not quite but but [TS]

  are edging toward it and i'm reporting [TS]

  some of the things that that they are [TS]

  you know that they're saying in the [TS]

  crowd and I'm I'm just you know I'm [TS]

  having my usual light-hearted fun at [TS]

  other peoples expense these young people [TS]

  are dumb that this is a completely [TS]

  anonymous thing that I'm not you know [TS]

  it's not like i'm naming them except [TS]

  naming them in the general like young [TS]

  people are you doing this on the [TS]

  internet was doing it on the internet [TS]

  brother and then out of nowhere a [TS]

  booking agent from a local club a friend [TS]

  of mine a guy who is now in his [TS]

  mid-thirties and I think has always [TS]

  identified himself as a young person and [TS]

  now he's going through a little bit of [TS]

  an identity crisis he is he is realizing [TS]

  he's no longer young person but it [TS]

  doesn't know he's not an old person yet [TS]

  either he's 35 or something he's [TS]

  somewhere in this middle ground he [TS]

  doesn't clean at the reeds and he he [TS]

  sends a tweet at me where he says oh [TS]

  well at least you went to a thing that [TS]

  you hate to talk about it on the [TS]

  internet he said he said send me some [TS]

  systems you know kind of shitty tweet [TS]

  that was like that was trying to call me [TS]

  out for a for like being at this event [TS]

  and hating in quotes hating I was your [TS]

  being a player hate I was hatin hatin on [TS]

  the player and why did I go to the event [TS]

  if I was just there to hate was the [TS]

  implication of his kind of snarky tweet [TS]

  and I wrote back and I was like what the [TS]

  fuck are you talking about like first of [TS]

  all all any of us do all any of us have [TS]

  ever done is go to shows and snark like [TS]

  what the fuck if you want to take that [TS]

  from me you are depriving me of [TS]

  eighty-five percent of my culture and [TS]

  life stand in the back of the room of a [TS]

  band that you adore we're your friends [TS]

  with everybody in the band and in the [TS]

  show and what is there to do except [TS]

  snark about what people are wearing and [TS]

  what dummies they are like this is [TS]

  fundamental to my to my culture so i [TS]

  write back and I'm like what's your [TS]

  problem like get off my butt and he [TS]

  keeps he keeps at it like you know like [TS]

  a like [TS]

  won't get off of this idea and and and [TS]

  it felt very foreign felt very like it [TS]

  felt very like what the fuck is behind [TS]

  this [TS]

  you know what i mean and i we took it [TS]

  offline we were texting back and forth [TS]

  he wouldn't he wouldn't get off he kinda [TS]

  wouldn't get off this like righteous [TS]

  stance and it turned into a small very [TS]

  small but public feud between me and [TS]

  this guy we're of course other people in [TS]

  the town who is because Seattle is small [TS]

  and everybody's got a fucking opinion [TS]

  all these people get involved in any way [TS]

  the long and the short of it is the [TS]

  other day I go to macklemore's twitter [TS]

  page and Macklemore isn't following me [TS]

  anymore he used to follow me and now [TS]

  Macklemore unfollowed me again I [TS]

  Macklemore I can only guess that i [TS]

  unfollowed me because of something [TS]

  because I because i was being accused of [TS]

  being a hater at his video shoot and now [TS]

  now side there are some quadrants of [TS]

  seattle in which i am I Macklemore hater [TS]

  which I'm absolutely not [TS]

  wow that's acrobatic you know what I [TS]

  mean I'm a lover but now I'm in the [TS]

  position of you can you know you can't [TS]

  prove a negative i can't go out in the [TS]

  world and say hey Macklemore lover here [TS]

  coming through because it's just gonna [TS]

  be like see he's just hate more [TS]

  so anyway maybe he's just taking a break [TS]

  he's a busy guy [TS]

  yes true he's got he's he's you know [TS]

  he's he's got a lot going on but still I [TS]

  feel like very confusing sometimes when [TS]

  somebody and follows you it's fairly [TS]

  conspicuous he didn't make a point of it [TS]

  but it's like we should let me tweak [TS]

  tweak your apps [TS]

  yeah i'm going to just affect some very [TS]

  small changes would be nice but I tried [TS]

  all the numbers back to your earlier [TS]

  point yet grass there was a time there [TS]

  was a time where i did not have any keys [TS]

  the the guy this is when you were in [TS]

  living in the van when he was living in [TS]

  the yeah like what you have [TS]

  narrator something when I i was i was [TS]

  living in a ford aerostar in a carport [TS]

  and the Aerostar was plugged in by an [TS]

  extension cord to a battery charger to [TS]

  the house so that i could open the the [TS]

  back deck the lid of the trunk lid and [TS]

  that would cause the light to go on and [TS]

  I could read Stephen King novels [TS]

  well I was trying to sleep it's tricky [TS]

  was trying to sleep in this arrow star [TS]

  and at a certain point the owner of the [TS]

  house that was featuring the Aerostar [TS]

  said as your friend you've been living [TS]

  in my minivan my non-running minivan for [TS]

  too long i'm gonna have to ask you for [TS]

  my keys to my minivan but you know like [TS]

  my house keys basically and then I [TS]

  entered that realm where I had no keys [TS]

  and i remember when i when i rejoined [TS]

  the world I quit doing drugs I got a job [TS]

  and i got my first set of keys i got i [TS]

  got my own apartment again you know [TS]

  after sort of a long period of no place [TS]

  i got my own place and I got some keys [TS]

  and then I got I got a job and they gave [TS]

  me keys to my work and then I had keys [TS]

  on this ring and i was like i am that [TS]

  that was the point at which i was adding [TS]

  stuff to my life and every new key i got [TS]

  made me feel like more apart [TS]

  uh-huh every I mean I totally agree and [TS]

  to me like every key is a new obligation [TS]

  a new debt when can you start it [TS]

  take care of its nothin up there was a [TS]

  lot of responsibility can be good like [TS]

  if you want to be the captain of [TS]

  industry in your case eventually with [TS]

  you managed a you manage the bar you use [TS]

  like a manager at a bar right yeah i did [TS]

  the books and stuff and and eventually I [TS]

  he's John I was one of those guys those [TS]

  mid-nineties guys where I had a big [TS]

  chain and it had 35 keys on it and I was [TS]

  like what happened to me a few years ago [TS]

  I had zero keys then I had like four [TS]

  keys i felt good [TS]

  great now I have 40 keys i feel like [TS]

  shit isn't that weird and as you were [TS]

  saying at that right now Merlin you know [TS]

  what I did today I'm going through my [TS]

  closets [TS]

  I have too many tuxedos self-awareness [TS]

  John not so many levels [TS]

  I'm going through I'm going through my [TS]

  closet I'm like wait a minute i have i [TS]

  have multiple tuxedos and that is that's [TS]

  crazy i have you were the only 1i think [TS]

  you're the only one who didn't bitch [TS]

  about having to then rent a brown tuxedo [TS]

  you're at you will be a tuxedo man how [TS]

  many you got how many it roughly right [TS]

  being you know count you more than to [TS]

  get more than to have more than two [TS]

  tuxedos [TS]

  I have a I have a I have a midnight blue [TS]

  tuxedo I have a I have a you know your [TS]

  standard black tuxedo then I have a [TS]

  comedy black tuxedo just to say it's [TS]

  good it's tubing to go to the flowers [TS]

  say they currently so you can squirt [TS]

  people with your flower girl but it's [TS]

  like a tuxedo the Charles Nelson Reilly [TS]

  on and uh you know celebrity match game [TS]

  or something like its experience of life [TS]

  match game after talk [TS]

  it's a laugh tuxedo because it's got big [TS]

  wide lapels and but it's a it was at in [TS]

  its day it was a beautiful tuxedo still [TS]

  is a nice tuxedo it's just stated she [TS]

  was nineteen seventy-two yeah it's just [TS]

  unfashionably cut okay and then I have a [TS]

  couple of white dinner jacket says one [TS]

  goes with some with some uh you know [TS]

  matching black the tuxedo pants and all [TS]

  that wouldn't be such a handsome look on [TS]

  you [TS]

  it's very nice that I have that boy if [TS]

  you can go with you know what I'm [TS]

  starting on the interactive what's a [TS]

  white so so black identity called a [TS]

  dinner jacket like if you wear like a [TS]

  tuxedo at night you where you are the [TS]

  black you know where the tails unless [TS]

  you're fucking jiminy cricket but I [TS]

  don't know why everyone again afternoon [TS]

  or evening when you wear a white tuxedo [TS]

  well there's some contention among the [TS]

  the male fashion people about the [TS]

  appropriateness of a white dinner jacket [TS]

  some people say that it is only for the [TS]

  tropics [TS]

  so we're gonna let James Bond kind of [TS]

  exactly you're wearing the white dinner [TS]

  jacket if you are at a casino in Bimini [TS]

  or in a curse al at Seattle is not in [TS]

  the tropics and so one could argue and I [TS]

  think people do argue that there's no [TS]

  time at which it's appropriate to wear [TS]

  white dinner jacket in seattle not even [TS]

  if you were in the Navy but you know as [TS]

  part of my job i'm often on cruise ships [TS]

  now and cruise ships gobo go into the [TS]

  tropics and so I feel like clinically [TS]

  you're not there as a mixologist there [TS]

  there's an entertainer and volleyball [TS]

  yeah i mean the joco Cruz was the first [TS]

  of these cruises that Jonathan Coulton [TS]

  crews and now I'm going on another [TS]

  cruise this fall that the the jesse [TS]

  thorn is the maximum fun group so [TS]

  cruising now is a part of my lifestyle [TS]

  and now i have other and i already had a [TS]

  white dinner jacket and now i have a [TS]

  second white energy and I'm so anyway [TS]

  like at exactly as you're saying i have [TS]

  gone from living in a minivan to having [TS]

  too many tuxedos and I'm afraid that i [TS]

  am afraid that if I don't do something [TS]

  if I don't arrest this trajectory I'm [TS]

  going to be I'm going to drown in [TS]

  tuxedos [TS]

  that's the last thing you'll see is my [TS]

  hand sticking up out of a pile of [TS]

  ever-growing tuxedos and then I'll [TS]

  because it's just a small notice in the [TS]

  local paper look at local musician found [TS]

  dead under a pile of ironic c/o holding [TS]

  as I go down holding a bottle of 12 year [TS]

  old single malt scotch that you like [TS]

  anything to drink [TS]

  leave it yeah I don't want to sound like [TS]

  too much of it [TS]

  hipster faker if I were wealthy man i [TS]

  might have a different feeling about [TS]

  this but you know my my keyring you see [TS]

  my keyring yeah I have two keys [TS]

  yeah the key to my house whenever key to [TS]

  my office smart yeah and and a you know [TS]

  if I need the car key i grab the car key [TS]

  but I don't carry that around it's like [TS]

  it puts holes in your pockets tool and [TS]

  you see these people walking around now [TS]

  you probably have like you look at you [TS]

  have [TS]

  21 modern car have you seen modern car [TS]

  keys I mean they're the size of like a [TS]

  like a like a box of like fireplace [TS]

  matches sure I breakfast [TS]

  yeah I've rented one and and [TS]

  increasingly now you just put the key in [TS]

  the proximity of the car and and the car [TS]

  just knows it to you because I'm musk I [TS]

  in fact that i have to do is get [TS]

  somewhere near it just feels you on [TS]

  moscow city [TS]

  he he put you put biometrics in it [TS]

  that's right that's right that was that [TS]

  was his addition I don't know I i could [TS]

  have more i can get more stuff but you [TS]

  know I it sounds like such a stupid like [TS]

  punk rock thing to say but like you know [TS]

  whenever I i think we said this before [TS]

  but like I feel like when I see somebody [TS]

  who not only has a lot of keys but like [TS]

  has a lot of keys that they want [TS]

  everybody to see like I just see like a [TS]

  security guard [TS]

  yeah icic somebody who's like gotta get [TS]

  I mean I that sounds silly but I mean [TS]

  like I wonder how many of those keys [TS]

  actually go to anything do you really [TS]

  need all of them all the time [TS]

  yes trying to beach there trying to be [TS]

  Schneider from one day at a time [TS]

  oh now that was a good look wasn't he [TS]

  was using a cosplay Snyder you know he [TS]

  was a slim guy but increasingly why is [TS]

  that girl today that was off digging it [TS]

  was a great effect [TS]

  oh i know i like is often girl off to [TS]

  the soft black yeah i see but here's the [TS]

  thing this is this is where it all ties [TS]

  together though is we should get back to [TS]

  the tuxedos probably but it was all of [TS]

  those things I think you have to ask [TS]

  yourself something I say to my kids [TS]

  sometimes when you're thinking about you [TS]

  Jason Kidd Michael my kids when you're [TS]

  thinking about your work you know you [TS]

  get to those crossroads with your work [TS]

  with your life and i think one [TS]

  rhetorical question to quietly ask your [TS]

  mind is what I want ten times more of [TS]

  like if you if you're being treated a [TS]

  certain way by an employer imagine [TS]

  yourself staying there for wildwood you [TS]

  want ten times more of that was like 10 [TS]

  times more of work later you know your [TS]

  own multiplier but you know I I think [TS]

  like okay do I want what complexity do i [TS]

  want to add like you know like I just [TS]

  listened to an interview out bob was [TS]

  interviewing this guy from PETA and [TS]

  talking about like he brought up this [TS]

  very basic things like when you travel [TS]

  you gotta get your wheat bread you gotta [TS]

  get your avocado [TS]

  guys like it's not really all that hard [TS]

  and I'm like well maybe travel as much [TS]

  as i do like it's hard you know III it's [TS]

  hard enough not to get something that [TS]

  didn't fall out of a machine [TS]

  mhm you know what i mean and i guess i [TS]

  just think about like what what I want [TS]

  to make a key coming back to math John [TS]

  yes you do it seems like one of the hard [TS]

  parts about being addicted to drugs and [TS]

  generally if you're addicted to [TS]

  cigarettes like worst-case scenario that [TS]

  you can buy cigarettes a lot of places [TS]

  yes you just talk a whole lot of places [TS]

  like if the trend a you might be out of [TS]

  luck but like you know if you've got a [TS]

  score heroin like that's you're gonna [TS]

  have to trust some people and it might [TS]

  take a few minutes [TS]

  yeah that that's true but but also if [TS]

  you are if you are in the heroine buying [TS]

  subculture you are you know what like it [TS]

  seems to us that it is easy to get [TS]

  cigarettes because because we're living [TS]

  in the in the in the culture of where [TS]

  we're living in a culture where however [TS]

  much eight dollars for a pack of [TS]

  cigarettes is not too much and we are [TS]

  welcome in stores but there are people [TS]

  you know a surprising number of people [TS]

  for whom getting a pack of cigarettes is [TS]

  a challenge and if you are living in a [TS]

  heroine world you would be surprised you [TS]

  that you could travel from town to town [TS]

  and you're right you're you still are [TS]

  going to have to like put in some [TS]

  legwork but if you plan ahead you can [TS]

  make some calls [TS]

  ok whereas with cigarettes you might [TS]

  just be out of luck I'm just saying like [TS]

  the more stuff that you think about this [TS]

  like I think everybody can ask [TS]

  themselves like what are they worried [TS]

  they won't be able to do or get once the [TS]

  wheels hit the ground right and that [TS]

  could be a drink that could be weed that [TS]

  could be a handjob [TS]

  I'm afraid that people live in a and you [TS]

  know this is a like this is the thing [TS]

  that I started to worry about a little [TS]

  bit the the [TS]

  that that I think in terms of other [TS]

  people too much [TS]

  not that I'm thinking about other people [TS]

  but that I think in terms of other [TS]

  people like you are [TS]

  it sounds like based on some previous [TS]

  conversations you do a you're doing a [TS]

  little bit more sort of pre-filtering [TS]

  like he seems like he's more stuff where [TS]

  you kind of like filter it through a [TS]

  notional point of view [TS]

  yeah right and and and and so I feel [TS]

  tradition i feel typically that other [TS]

  people more or less cannot live without [TS]

  their crutches and their crutches are [TS]

  ridiculous or or the that there are a [TS]

  lot of their crutches that people like [TS]

  going to full-on like like clawing the [TS]

  earth panic mode because they can't get [TS]

  I mean you know you you [TS]

  we've all been through it yeah i've been [TS]

  i've been traveling with people where [TS]

  they didn't have their they they forgot [TS]

  their pillow you know they brought their [TS]

  pillow with them on the trip skills a [TS]

  kid with their stuffy [TS]

  yeah that's why we're almost done if you [TS]

  left that on the plane like it's it's [TS]

  game over [TS]

  it's game over and that but we're [TS]

  talking about a thirty-year-old [TS]

  personality menthol cigarettes let alone [TS]

  menthol cigarettes right or let alone [TS]

  you know food and drink people get [TS]

  attached two pillows it's true but I'm [TS]

  stop but I'm trying to stop thinking in [TS]

  terms of other people in that way or [TS]

  like as a as a you know as a a prism to [TS]

  try and like break out all the different [TS]

  colors of my own thought and and just [TS]

  start kind of trying to try to stay more [TS]

  stable more focused on what am I [TS]

  thinking like I think your thing is your [TS]

  idea is brilliant like what do I want [TS]

  ten times more I i well i was i was [TS]

  going to say it before you started [TS]

  publicly agreeing with me but I think [TS]

  that's a good way to be honestly have a [TS]

  car here but I i think i think boy [TS]

  anybody getting I mean like yours when [TS]

  you start becoming dependent on what [TS]

  anybody else thinks you're a little bit [TS]

  fucked [TS]

  well so the weird thing about this this [TS]

  this Atkins because i have no you know [TS]

  I've never gone on a diet before but [TS]

  that the only reason I think this is it [TS]

  not a leopard traditional ties well sure [TS]

  I mean it's not easy and forget if you [TS]

  took some graph paper in HB pencil [TS]

  you've been on some extremely [TS]

  interesting inconsistent diets it's true [TS]

  it's true and one could argue that [TS]

  walking six months in one direction is a [TS]

  kind of joint as a kind of diet [TS]

  yeah but I but this is the first time [TS]

  that I have in my entire life Hadfield [TS]

  44 years old my mind fully like [TS]

  consciously said I'm going to make this [TS]

  kind of a change in my intern right [TS]

  right because up until now i have always [TS]

  preferred to feel like i am as God made [TS]

  me and he and throw what you have at me [TS]

  and I will and I will consume it and i [TS]

  will pick up salad i forgot throws it i [TS]

  will make poo out of anything and now [TS]

  I'm you know I'm concentrating on this [TS]

  and I you know I did not weigh myself i [TS]

  have not weighed myself because the [TS]

  point that the point of this exercise [TS]

  for me is to is really to go through a [TS]

  door make a transition into a new way of [TS]

  thinking which isn't a diet is a little [TS]

  bit of a misnomer read a diet is this [TS]

  thing the crazy people do for bikini [TS]

  season but you sound like you're trying [TS]

  to do something more different it's a [TS]

  it's a thought technology right it is a [TS]

  detective mindfulness yes that I am [TS]

  constantly on and now i am extending [TS]

  that that Truman Show bubble to include [TS]

  also the things that I eat and what is [TS]

  astonishing is that I actually feel that [TS]

  I have stepped off a rollercoaster like [TS]

  I do not in I do not enjoy eating this [TS]

  way there is no you know there is no fun [TS]

  in it that the second time I went into a [TS]

  restaurant and order to double cheese [TS]

  burger with no bun and SAT and ate it [TS]

  out of a out of styrofoam container with [TS]

  a plastic knife and fork high resolution [TS]

  life felt yeah I felt like somebody had [TS]

  taken my shoelaces because they were [TS]

  worried I was going to hang myself in my [TS]

  prison cell like it was I was like what [TS]

  what has become of me like I ordered and [TS]

  the person by the cash register was like [TS]

  there's another one to take you know [TS]

  like the new out the new know how to [TS]

  throw up to two burger patties but i [TS]

  don't i don't necessarily enjoy it but [TS]

  this this fog that I felt like has been [TS]

  on me for years [TS]

  dislike this up-and-down up-and-down [TS]

  kind of crazy crazy energy fluctuations [TS]

  is is gone in two weeks I just I just I [TS]

  just have this steady amount of energy [TS]

  all day long i do not have not taken a [TS]

  nap in the last two weeks or in the last [TS]

  10 days and no nap [TS]

  I mean a nap is like that's the whole [TS]

  reason I get up in the morning is to [TS]

  start looking forward to the nap in the [TS]

  afternoon right and now it's just like I [TS]

  just [TS]

  it sounds like your sugar is stabilized [TS]

  I'm not peeking i'm not i'm not i don't [TS]

  feel like I'm drowning anymore under [TS]

  exhaustion and I'm just puttering along [TS]

  and it's like and this is just I'm not [TS]

  even really taking care of myself i'm [TS]

  just eating well you know one step at a [TS]

  time one step at a time right [TS]

  that's you know that's part of that I [TS]

  don't think you're only probably guilty [TS]

  of this i know i have been is that kind [TS]

  of black and white thinking again [TS]

  thinking of the PETA thing well you know [TS]

  if I can't get rid of every conceivable [TS]

  animal product in my life I should [TS]

  probably keep torturing animals like [TS]

  that that Cesaro internet thinking that [TS]

  people go through like the idea of [TS]

  hypocrisy that makes people just be [TS]

  permanently stuck in like in silly [TS]

  mediocrity [TS]

  but you know i mean take stones i take [TS]

  stones from being like I could give a [TS]

  fuck about this like I'm going to give a [TS]

  little bit of the fuck about this [TS]

  yeah a little right and and and not and [TS]

  not get all I'm not getting all crazy on [TS]

  myself i'm not i didn't like go into my [TS]

  freezer and and start to like the [TS]

  throwing out all the Brooklyn yeah [TS]

  throwing all the popsicles on a bonfire [TS]

  in the backyard under a giant golden [TS]

  eagle evangelizing no I mean only only [TS]

  so much only so much as you and I have [TS]

  not talked about it a couple times [TS]

  that a is even then I feel awkward [TS]

  except that I i feel like something [TS]

  somehow you and I are past the point of [TS]

  even trying not to you know bore the [TS]

  shit out of people were just where we [TS]

  are devoted to this cause i'm talking [TS]

  about arpu food Hitler Hitler a little [TS]

  bit of Hitler belgium comes up some now [TS]

  and again I gotta learn more about [TS]

  Belgium you know it's a fascinating [TS]

  country i'm very happy to hear this [TS]

  I i fell off the wagon with the eating [TS]

  better in the last few weeks you know [TS]

  its application stuff and started [TS]

  kindergarten today so things have been a [TS]

  little bit crazy but I'm gonna get back [TS]

  into it because I remember that feeling [TS]

  yeah and there's this one very hard to [TS]

  be doing another podcast here but [TS]

  there's something I've said a lot that i [TS]

  really believe which is like once you [TS]

  lose 30 pounds like potato chips don't [TS]

  look as good right and the only reason i [TS]

  can say that with such authority [TS]

  I mean honestly to me was french fries [TS]

  like the only reason i can say that with [TS]

  authority is because i went from 36 to [TS]

  33 and I really felt the difference you [TS]

  know I I mean the thing is I when I walk [TS]

  up the hill and I have to carry my [TS]

  daughter I sometimes think when she was [TS]

  younger I would think wow this this was [TS]

  me everyday [TS]

  yeah like I used to have to carry like a [TS]

  small person when I walked up you know a [TS]

  20-degree hill or whatever it was just [TS]

  one person one person that was clutching [TS]

  at your intestinal please check if she's [TS]

  awake she could grab on [TS]

  but like now is that extra little person [TS]

  was a little bit of me and like it boy [TS]

  ok I just you know let's rewind for just [TS]

  a second did you say today was her first [TS]

  day of kindergarten [TS]

  yeah Mike pretty big deal [TS]

  wow yeah it was a it was you [TS]

  yeah anyway hey you know what we're [TS]

  doing nothing just wasn't what was their [TS]

  coloring and stuff was it was it fine [TS]

  when she okay to go to school I i love [TS]

  her school but you know don't get me [TS]

  started on institutions you know I just [TS]

  this is what I'm worried about because [TS]

  where we are investigating we have [TS]

  joined a co-op that's a week we didn't [TS]

  call for three years my doctor today are [TS]

  my uh my daughter to post doc [TS]

  that her preschool well so they do next [TS]

  year yeah they sent out an email and [TS]

  they were like we need we need people we [TS]

  need sunshine helpers we need what did [TS]

  they want [TS]

  okay I'm just gonna brace yourself [TS]

  because you think you if you think you [TS]

  been experiencing it [TS]

  sorry is that never by eight if you've [TS]

  been living in that kind of you know [TS]

  weird parenting bubble get ready because [TS]

  it's gonna be so much of your [TS]

  personality you're just gonna have to [TS]

  let go of when you're around a lot of [TS]

  places i mean we have to select through [TS]

  so many discussions that are very poorly [TS]

  organized there's going to be a lot of [TS]

  forms that could have been laid out a [TS]

  lot better [TS]

  there's a lot of signs with you know bad [TS]

  punctuation and typography comic sounds [TS]

  comic sans or like there's the one the [TS]

  one that my daughter's teacher uses just [TS]

  it's it's not it's not pathetic is not [TS]

  aerial it's kind of a stylized like you [TS]

  know future up meats like a stork it's [TS]

  just me but no I i suffered under that [TS]

  and also I think there's a lot of hazing [TS]

  I think that people who are very [TS]

  comfortable being like a suburban mom or [TS]

  dad and they take it out on people like [TS]

  you and me [TS]

  yeah we're just gonna not was not [TS]

  totally like hipster tattoo doofuses [TS]

  with barbells in their nose but we're [TS]

  also not like wearing-- castle loafers [TS]

  like we are the Forgotten men i I'll i [TS]

  want to i want to be on the board of [TS]

  directors just because just because it's [TS]

  obvious cuz that's where I belong you [TS]

  should have a coup and then very shortly [TS]

  after that become the you know just like [TS]

  either eliminate the board of directors [TS]

  or making it right there with you know [TS]

  the coop chats kick ya put it put it up [TS]

  to a vote that there that that there [TS]

  should be that all board board of [TS]

  directors are equal except some are more [TS]

  equal than others [TS]

  maybe you should does stage like arson [TS]

  of the art room [TS]

  well with other people is just just like [TS]

  it's like your own personal personal [TS]

  rights dog icepick the the assistant [TS]

  teacher what I'm what I'm afraid of [TS]

  is everything I am absolutely one [TS]

  hundred percent afraid of being in a [TS]

  position of well basically having to [TS]

  subjugate myself to the Borg it's so i [TS]

  found it i have no one to talk to about [TS]

  this i found it's so difficult [TS]

  it made me realize i'm not saying this [TS]

  is you but me and made me realize how [TS]

  much of a man-child i am in some ways [TS]

  like I'm so used to like I I don't like [TS]

  having to like it should be fucking [TS]

  40-some years to get to where I like I [TS]

  don't hate my personality and so I think [TS]

  I'm almost like out of this Merlin [TS]

  closet or like I just I I'm very [TS]

  reluctant to go gently into someone [TS]

  else's goodnight right now you ever let [TS]

  me hear you roar [TS]

  well I don't have to be like I don't [TS]

  have to be a cock don't have to always [TS]

  be the center of attention but at the [TS]

  same time there's like there's just [TS]

  there's a lot of times when I've had to [TS]

  go like okay I've worked on my own for a [TS]

  lot of years I've had gotten to be like [TS]

  whatever it is that i am for a lot of [TS]

  years and there's times when you're the [TS]

  first meeting at my daughter's co-op [TS]

  school which was i I mean like I will I [TS]

  can't imagine my daughter ever going to [TS]

  another school is great as her co-op [TS]

  school weekend my wife mostly work there [TS]

  I work there [TS]

  it's great it's great gig it's so much [TS]

  less expensive than like a regular like [TS]

  you know penitentiary style Driscoll [TS]

  because you're there you're it's it's a [TS]

  great way to watch your kid get better [TS]

  at being a kid but and you learn to [TS]

  watercolor again but you know it's also [TS]

  it's cool because like the people there [TS]

  who are dicks have a stake in it like [TS]

  there are people who still want to like [TS]

  just drop the kids off and drive away [TS]

  but there's a lot of people there who [TS]

  were there because they believe in the [TS]

  school they believe what's going on [TS]

  you can take that too far and like [TS]

  heaven some of these schools they make [TS]

  you read a book before you can go there [TS]

  like they have like I too was a temp [TS]

  homocysteine out a persuasive theory [TS]

  like the HP this place has a different [TS]

  like philosophy but the I don't want to [TS]

  have my commitment to smart sparkle [TS]

  motion doubt it [TS]

  no no no butBut you know but here's the [TS]

  thing it the first thing that well two [TS]

  things from just quickly in this case [TS]

  first of all that like how much I showed [TS]

  up feeling like of course i always feel [TS]

  like the worst father in the world no [TS]

  matter where i go i'm always liked my [TS]

  gosh there's so many things I could be [TS]

  doing so much better but I got there [TS]

  kidding me [TS]

  do you honestly feel that way yeah and [TS]

  and I got there anything like two [TS]

  minutes i felt like i was a student [TS]

  council meeting because it was it was [TS]

  like but at the greatest school in the [TS]

  world was like the people who like where [TS]

  the you know as you say that the board [TS]

  of directors or whatever like the people [TS]

  who were like the head of the [TS]

  three-year-olds group the four-year-old [TS]

  trip it was just like student council [TS]

  and it was it was like this weird but [TS]

  not popularity contest but there are [TS]

  some people who cared so intensely about [TS]

  governing like you know whether you had [TS]

  to wear shoes in the bike area or [TS]

  whatever and second the first meeting I [TS]

  ever want to at this school the greatest [TS]

  of all schools they talked about the [TS]

  problem of chicken poop for 25 minutes [TS]

  because this one is for chicken to run [TS]

  around IC and apparently one of the moms [TS]

  was pretty upset because some of the [TS]

  chicken matter had gotten on to her [TS]

  child's shoe and that came into the [TS]

  house and that led to a larger [TS]

  discussion of just sanitation in general [TS]

  and like should we even have chickens it [TS]

  off we have chickens [TS]

  should there be somebody who's [TS]

  monitoring the the chicken area more [TS]

  closely right and you know your question [TS]

  that's like that i think it's attributed [TS]

  to Kissinger you know start to go [TS]

  through your head you know the stakes [TS]

  are some steaks for supper but you know [TS]

  but but I'm sorry I'm going on but I [TS]

  want the big pattern here is like for me [TS]

  it's one thing to sit around and poison [TS]

  my daughter's mind with with comics but [TS]

  like then i have to go up and be around [TS]

  other people and even like the coolest [TS]

  people in the world I feel like I'm [TS]

  always like I it's pushing me forward [TS]

  because now like my all of my failures [TS]

  exposed all these people and but that I [TS]

  would not trade that experience for the [TS]

  world [TS]

  I mean it was you know a you know what [TS]

  is the last thing on this it's like it's [TS]

  like hiring a doula or it is like [TS]

  finding a psychiatrist [TS]

  it is like finding a mate like don't [TS]

  start with the role like start with [TS]

  finding somebody that you like like [TS]

  we're gonna find a school that you like [TS]

  before you find a school [TS]

  you got a problem is the problem with [TS]

  that Merlin is that I rejected the idea [TS]

  of a doula [TS]

  and why we please talk to liz its [TS]

  endpoint and I reject the idea of a [TS]

  psychiatrist and I and I'm for education [TS]

  really have not have not fully embraced [TS]

  the idea of finding a mate [TS]

  what about chickens got a thought and I [TS]

  don't have chickens don't everybody [TS]

  don't have heritage chickens and [TS]

  everybody comes over to my house says [TS]

  you have a barn every year everybody in [TS]

  the city is buying chickens [TS]

  you're the only guy that has that [TS]

  actually has a barn [TS]

  why don't you have chickens and I'm like [TS]

  right because chickens because why do [TS]

  you need fucking chickens right exactly [TS]

  except my legs really show up and within [TS]

  it within a month like you get your [TS]

  tattoo you get your fixie and get two [TS]

  chickens [TS]

  well here's I feel like a weird but I [TS]

  feel about the chicken you have is [TS]

  chicken or chicken that thing they're [TS]

  chickens are huge and everything [TS]

  everywhere [TS]

  okay what what I feel about the chickens [TS]

  and the and the organic farming both of [TS]

  which things I am encouraged by every [TS]

  person who comes here to embark upon [TS]

  like why aren't you [TS]

  I looks like a little suggestion box for [TS]

  John's house why are things I can't [TS]

  believe John is an icy winds our why [TS]

  don't you make why don't you build a big [TS]

  organic garden and what I realize about [TS]

  those things that is that those are [TS]

  mating rituals that you once you and [TS]

  your partner have exhausted all of the [TS]

  episodic television and you are staring [TS]

  across the breakfast table at one [TS]

  another and contemplating being together [TS]

  for decades and you realize like I don't [TS]

  want to be like my parents I don't want [TS]

  to be like my grandparents what are we [TS]

  going to do you embark upon a mutual [TS]

  project like starting a garden where you [TS]

  are now going to eat out of this garden [TS]

  it's a merry old time [TS]

  but it's really a way of it's a it's a [TS]

  way of of stitching your relationship [TS]

  together with a kind of mutual you know [TS]

  like here are values in bright red tape [TS]

  and we're living our were walking our [TS]

  talk and we're living our life together [TS]

  and for me as a bachelor the idea of [TS]

  going out and killing a little organic [TS]

  garden for myself again feels like a [TS]

  prison activity take think they take [TS]

  your shoelaces the way they give you to [TS]

  hamburger patties with cheese in a [TS]

  styrofoam bucket and then you've got [TS]

  like your six-by-eight plot and you're [TS]

  out there you're out there trying to [TS]

  keep the rabbits out of your letters and [TS]

  that's what keeps you [TS]

  let's do you remember thinking [TS]

  everybody's like in college like I would [TS]

  meet i would meet a lady and like we [TS]

  would just sit and get going to like you [TS]

  know like if you leave the party you'd [TS]

  be xing it go to like an abandoned [TS]

  classroom and you could talk for 18 [TS]

  hours just talking just talk about [TS]

  whatever talk about the flintstones [TS]

  whatever she fly her forehead on your [TS]

  shoes it be in the dark you like quite a [TS]

  thing yet it was just a kind of talking [TS]

  about whatever he's talking about [TS]

  whatever man whatever its just oh my god [TS]

  you too [TS]

  oh my god and then you need projects [TS]

  when you get older and let's be honest [TS]

  the biggest project is a kid right now i [TS]

  have somebody that this is probably a [TS]

  very old cliché it's probably like you [TS]

  know like a more solid joke or something [TS]

  but like you know when you will run out [TS]

  of things to talk to somebody like [TS]

  that's when the words will you marry me [TS]

  right well your mouth and and all you [TS]

  have to do is go to an ikea on a [TS]

  Saturday afternoon and you're seeing all [TS]

  the people better that are either right [TS]

  before that or were right in the heart [TS]

  of its projects projects project just [TS]

  you know she's a she's pushing the cart [TS]

  and he is kind of walking along beside [TS]

  and they are just picking out storage [TS]

  solutions is wondering what Swedish for [TS]

  ricin and and for me like I did not I [TS]

  did not escape it [TS]

  i but i but i but I went through a lot [TS]

  of those sort of as solo like I built a [TS]

  nest for myself here unconscious [TS]

  that that's really what i was doing and [TS]

  I did it all by myself so that my house [TS]

  looks like uh hunting lodge that that [TS]

  where someone set off a grandma bomb but [TS]

  there's also there's no and they pick up [TS]

  what are you thinking of course right [TS]

  not gonna put that there what are you [TS]

  doing right there is no one but by the [TS]

  time anyone could have said seven [TS]

  different mismatched plays paisley [TS]

  patterns is not a style it is a mind [TS]

  riot by the time anybody could have said [TS]

  that to me it was too late [TS]

  yeah and they all they could do was [TS]

  stand there with their hands on their [TS]

  hips and go wow amazing and I'm like I [TS]

  know right kind of kind of like kind of [TS]

  like tripping out isn't it [TS]

  go ahead sit on the couch if you can [TS]

  find the couch part so so I'm kind of [TS]

  now going through this idea i had not [TS]

  thought of it this way i really had nine [TS]

  there was nobody to keep me from buying [TS]

  10 copies of The Adventures of [TS]

  Huckleberry Finn because i was afraid [TS]

  that it was gonna get banned and I was [TS]

  gonna have the last stash of them to [TS]

  hand out to people on the street there [TS]

  was no one to stop me from decorating my [TS]

  house with amplifiers and I have built a [TS]

  nest you're there John I really am and I [TS]

  know you're like Michael you're like [TS]

  Berkeley I don't love everything you do [TS]

  but I'm so glad you're there [TS]

  haha but the but the problem is that now [TS]

  I have built a nest and now i have a [TS]

  child and I am that and the child's [TS]

  mother and I are very close and we live [TS]

  in a very kind of communal atmosphere it [TS]

  you know in a way is everything that I [TS]

  if you had asked me 10 years ago like [TS]

  how I imagined it [TS]

  it is that it has happened but but i [TS]

  have i've maintained so much of my own [TS]

  like I kept my my back [TS]

  up my castle and now i'm now i'm in the [TS]

  in this castle and I feel a little [TS]

  ridiculous like that the castle grounds [TS]

  are all being guarded by other yeah [TS]

  that's the pre-filter John you should [TS]

  not feel ridiculous way I'm standing up [TS]

  here with my flag [TS]

  you know I have a collection of flags [TS]

  yeah and and i realized today because [TS]

  our our good friend cat Miriam yeah so I [TS]

  my friend of the show and the show I [TS]

  think she might whenever I have around [TS]

  the city but I think she might be our uh [TS]

  amongst other things are official [TS]

  statistician well I and anna and I'm [TS]

  beginning to feel like chief archivist [TS]

  but-but-but so I post a picture of a [TS]

  jacket that i have that i thought was [TS]

  like a vintage could you donate Navy [TS]

  officers code like it's clearly a [TS]

  captain's jacket I thought maybe like [TS]

  french coast guard auxiliary I wasn't [TS]

  sure but I posted a picture of this i [TS]

  was trying to crowdsource wear this [TS]

  jacket was from and I got your usual [TS]

  snarky answers from everybody and then I [TS]

  that and then some legit fucking [TS]

  question some legit tries people were [TS]

  like I don't believe that's an American [TS]

  and I was like well right but what is it [TS]

  and it was like not US military there [TS]

  were some people taking some stabs at it [TS]

  and then she comes in out of the blue [TS]

  with a link to the this exact jacket and [TS]

  I didn't even post a whole picture but i [TS]

  just posted a picture of the sleeve [TS]

  she's good she has the entire jacket and [TS]

  it is a yacht club Commodore retired [TS]

  dress blues and I was like so close and [TS]

  yet so far [TS]

  how did this how did this fight I mean [TS]

  it's like I want wherever I got this [TS]

  jacket [TS]

  it must have it must have crawled out of [TS]

  the truck and situated itself on top of [TS]

  an of a rafter and as I was walking by [TS]

  it left we got yacht club Commodore [TS]

  common tired ret [TS]

  right okay former Commodores so there's [TS]

  a current company for the current [TS]

  Commodore of the yacht club he wears a [TS]

  different coat [TS]

  ok this is this is the the former the [TS]

  former Commodore if once once a comment [TS]

  or always a comedy ask marine so it once [TS]

  you have been the Commodore of your [TS]

  yacht club you graduate you are always [TS]

  able to wear this gentleman door and [TS]

  there is America's which is a fantastic [TS]

  it's a fantastic code and and so then [TS]

  i'm online i am researching yacht club [TS]

  literally typing its greatness be fired [TS]

  yacht club Commodore yacht club [TS]

  Commodore former right um and I'm so I'm [TS]

  now i'm in this yacht club world i had [TS]

  no idea that members of yacht clubs had [TS]

  ranks there's an entire ranking system [TS]

  as as as like elaborate and bizarre as [TS]

  the as the very essence of congolese [TS]

  navy or whatever it's got let you know [TS]

  you could you can you can be a bosun's [TS]

  mate it the yacht club anyway I'm i'm [TS]

  flipping through this and all of a [TS]

  sudden I see these flags which I've had [TS]

  I have a flag with a giant acorn on it [TS]

  and a flag with crossed feathers on it [TS]

  and I've had them for a long time I [TS]

  their part of my collection of flags and [TS]

  I learned in on this website that the [TS]

  acorn is the flag that you fly from your [TS]

  yacht if you are the treasurer of the ox [TS]

  0 because the treasure is collecting [TS]

  acorns for the this is international or [TS]

  mean if you are a yacht club in but this [TS]

  is this is in a book somewhere this is [TS]

  codified yeah right and the cross [TS]

  feathers of course is the Secretary of [TS]

  the yacht club so i'm flying all these [TS]

  weird yacht club flags here around [TS]

  around the good ship blow Roderick pop [TS]

  and I I had no idea what they meant i [TS]

  did you and thankies Thank You code [TS]

  right yeah Thank oh right i was flying a [TS]

  green hanky and my back left pocket i [TS]

  didn't know that if I was slippery roads [TS]

  right and [TS]

  and that Miriam solves all these [TS]

  problems in one fell swoop and also [TS]

  somehow completely a like completely by [TS]

  happenstance I already own a retired [TS]

  Commodores jacket I didn't have to go [TS]

  through any of the like where is I may [TS]

  already have a retired director of CIA [TS]

  jacket and I just don't realize that you [TS]

  just need to send her some some photos I [TS]

  need to send her photos of everything [TS]

  she could be your personal archives to [TS]

  so I'm saying I think you and you may [TS]

  have finally found you you lament this [TS]

  every every few months about what you [TS]

  gonna do like with the history of all [TS]

  the items in your home like how how will [TS]

  that be passed on to the future [TS]

  generations [TS]

  she's very scientific John I don't want [TS]

  to go into too much personal detail but [TS]

  catamarans very scientific [TS]

  all I'm saying is that that that that [TS]

  that that mystery at least is solved and [TS]

  why it is that I that you know because i [TS]

  asked people to solutely when they come [TS]

  into the house and at a certain point I [TS]

  change to a kind of open-handed salute [TS]

  rather than your closed and salute what [TS]

  I'm not sure I'm had no nothing like [TS]

  Hitler open-handed like you know like a [TS]

  a classic sort of got a wave not a wave [TS]

  that you're still touching the tip of [TS]

  your glasses with the hand ok just your [TS]

  palm out so I know what you mean like [TS]

  sort of it left hand kinda get it right [TS]

  like like you're like you're the the [TS]

  governor-general in the Raj let me love [TS]

  you let you watch it because I was I was [TS]

  I was feeling like a Commodore is it [TS]

  fair to say you probably know more about [TS]

  military and fake military clothing than [TS]

  most people in seattle be honest you [TS]

  probably the top i'd be in the top 5% 5% [TS]

  ok if you go to the coop meeting like [TS]

  the second meeting dressed as a former [TS]

  Commodore yeah club people think it's [TS]

  pretty fucking weird but if you're [TS]

  consistent if you always show up in some [TS]

  kind of military garb no one is going to [TS]

  fuck with you right but it's but every [TS]

  but one day I'm a colonel in the Air [TS]

  Force [TS]

  well one day i'm wearing desert [TS]

  fatigues there are people with honorary [TS]

  degrees and consoles doctor there's no [TS]

  reason you can't be there is no fucking [TS]

  reason you can't be an honorary [TS]

  Commodore I'm saying is if you show up [TS]

  at this place and you and you want to [TS]

  have this is a certain will to power [TS]

  you may be able to go in there dress for [TS]

  the job you want to write well but this [TS]

  is the thing I don't want to go up [TS]

  I've already begun compiling the the [TS]

  uniform of a member of the board of [TS]

  directors of your child's up at times it [TS]

  felt like at least it would be like a [TS]

  patagonia fleece well see now that's [TS]

  where you wouldn't have a water bottle i [TS]

  have not been to this meeting yet so i'm [TS]

  guessing that that's what that's what [TS]

  you're gonna follow that is gonna be [TS]

  enlisted men think that's right ok got [TS]

  it sorry [TS]

  so obviously tweed jacket patches on the [TS]

  elbows knit squared bottom time it's [TS]

  selling Michael Keaton in like a grain [TS]

  it that's right no you're absolutely [TS]

  right Michael Keaton 83 [TS]

  yeah black plaid button-down sort of nor [TS]

  sport shirt hot smart look I don't know [TS]

  though I think the military thing I met [TS]

  my am but then crewneck sweater on top [TS]

  of the shirt i just saw oceans 11 for [TS]

  the first time I think you should bring [TS]

  back the the the giant turtle neck [TS]

  almost cowl-neck ridiculously large [TS]

  turtleneck shirt that like a sweater [TS]

  like a big big you don't talk about [TS]

  using the movie but for some reason like [TS]

  three different guys in the movie [TS]

  especially Matt Damon are wearing these [TS]

  cool like fishermen kind of sweaters [TS]

  like you know vertical ribbing but with [TS]

  these giant giant turns out the captain [TS]

  haddock sweater em high [TS]

  the captain haddock sweater from going [TS]

  to get the former captain the retired [TS]

  captain had so it's called me look that [TS]

  up it's a smart like I could not pull [TS]

  that off you would look awesome in that [TS]

  you know the thing about captain haddock [TS]

  is that his first of all his sweater has [TS]

  a giant anchor on it captain and oh and [TS]

  apparently the cartoon character but [TS]

  yeah yeah what are you not attending [TS]

  reader [TS]

  uh yes haha oh outed outed as a non [TS]

  Tintin reader he's got a pipe [TS]

  that's gotta understand how he looks a [TS]

  little like Bluto that's right i guess [TS]

  what else he's from Belgium Belgium l [TS]

  jones got no pupils i don't know i have [TS]

  mixed feelings because there's two [TS]

  minutes two ways you can go with this [TS]

  like you can either go with like the [TS]

  perhaps inadvisable this guy is [TS]

  obviously bananas approach which is he [TS]

  might go in is looking ass licker one [TS]

  day like the Gorton's fisherman in like [TS]

  one day you might go in as like the I [TS]

  don't know whatever the Seattle Mariner [TS]

  big head mascot is you know Erin Andrews [TS]

  mariner moose all had a big head [TS]

  they had mascot my kids school today I [TS]

  want to get kids cry big lion was the [TS]

  person inside of an autistic bring it [TS]

  around [TS]

  why I'm pretty sure that or you just [TS]

  were consistently where the same uniform [TS]

  it's all pretty sure that makes my sword [TS]

  cane is going to be the thing that just [TS]

  that that really gets their attention [TS]

  but that's not going to be till meeting [TS]

  five a lot of people are going to see it [TS]

  go that guy doesn't look like he needs a [TS]

  cane and he definitely looks like the [TS]

  kind of guy who would like to carry a [TS]

  sword so i'm gonna guess that's probably [TS]

  a certain game you would think but the [TS]

  people appear that the the you know the [TS]

  fleece dolls they're like I think that [TS]

  the fleece creates a kind of it like off [TS]

  gases and it in a dulls your wits for [TS]

  combat lot of leaching yeah yeah so no [TS]

  no I got the whole idea of the whole [TS]

  premise that one day I would be [TS]

  jockeying for power in a pre-k co-op is [TS]

  like I feel a little bit like I'm [TS]

  sitting in one of those little tiny [TS]

  desks at a parent-teacher conference [TS]

  already [TS]

  yeah and I don't know how this I don't [TS]

  know how this happened you know you know [TS]

  Merlin that that michael anthony hall [TS]

  and I [TS]

  what the hell Molly Ringwald yeah [TS]

  they're the same age as me and just that [TS]

  itself that that's plenty [TS]

  I yeah I just don't know I'm just [TS]

  thinking about that today like I don't [TS]

  think I knew that at the time I think [TS]

  about that a lot i watched i was [TS]

  watching Moneyball today that movie in [TS]

  like Billy Beane's like 51like it's like [TS]

  he's a guy who like play baseball like [TS]

  when I when I was a kid [TS]

  yeah but he's only a few years older [TS]

  than me I mean Michael Stipe is not that [TS]

  much older than me that's right he seems [TS]

  like a generation older than me but he's [TS]

  actually not right and that is [TS]

  disturbing to me and with michael stipe [TS]

  I can handle it because whatever when I [TS]

  was when I was 15 he was already 22 or [TS]

  something and like that did seem that [TS]

  did seem like a generational difference [TS]

  but I don't think I knew that anthony [TS]

  michael hall and molly ringwald were [TS]

  just six months older than me or [TS]

  something i didn't get my head is easy [TS]

  younger to you [TS]

  no no no they seemed again like they [TS]

  were in the movies i was it i thought [TS]

  that they were older people playing [TS]

  teenagers I thought it was the classic [TS]

  90210 problem right one girl with the [TS]

  glasses here 60 yeah right and and you [TS]

  know 25 27 year olds that are playing [TS]

  seventeen-year-olds but the you know the [TS]

  knowledge that those two those kids [TS]

  playing teenage kids were actually [TS]

  teenage kids his ideals right it's retro [TS]

  actively depressing [TS]

  yeah I don't know why to learn that at [TS]

  44 years old is causing me to to to kind [TS]

  of be a GOG today but but but I've spent [TS]

  spent all afternoon kind of like [TS]

  thinking about Anthony Michael Hall I [TS]

  don't know I i think that was me for a [TS]

  while was he like really like beefy [TS]

  didn't get a like like games [TS]

  yes bc i think he was I think I think [TS]

  somebody was advising him as a young [TS]

  person [TS]

  don't don't be the nerd don't be [TS]

  typecast as the nerd [TS]

  yeah so you got it you got it you know [TS]

  you gotta get into the gym and be a [TS]

  serious actor and get it's not [TS]

  flattering take some intense roles i [TS]

  don't think you'd recognize him now if [TS]

  you google Anthony Michael Hall right [TS]

  now and look at his face now your it's [TS]

  you're going to be like oooo he looks [TS]

  like a guy at my child's pre-k he looks [TS]

  like just somebody's dad he doesn't look [TS]

  like anthony michael hall anymore but [TS]

  now you look at Jackie Earle Haley I'm [TS]

  you probably have not had a chance to [TS]

  look at the materials essential but in [TS]

  the in the movie version of watchmen [TS]

  rorschach is played by Jackie Earle [TS]

  Haley who you'll remember from Bad News [TS]

  Bears and breaking always sure the bad [TS]

  kid the city needs and great yes he's [TS]

  played he's played Freddy Krueger in one [TS]

  of the nightmare movies he's in shutter [TS]

  island he has a great small but great [TS]

  rolling shutter island [TS]

  he's one of those guys he's like he's [TS]

  off is all with all due respect mr. [TS]

  Earle Haley like you don't fucked up [TS]

  looking he's he's always been super [TS]

  weird looking but like I sigh so [TS]

  treasure that like and not you know what [TS]

  now I gotta find out how old he is [TS]

  I do this now you know what they do I [TS]

  look for how tall people are so that's [TS]

  all yeah I don't think he's very tall [TS]

  I search for how tall people are isn't [TS]

  that like that's an old person thing to [TS]

  do isn't it did how I like your new [TS]

  boyfriend he's told how is like scarlett [TS]

  johansson seems like she's a little gal [TS]

  she's she seems let me just look here [TS]

  she's all look at that she's now 1053 [TS]

  gala gala plays agent hills a little [TS]

  more statuesque did the bad news bears [TS]

  have the effect on you that it had on me [TS]

  probably which is to say that there were [TS]

  there were things happening in that [TS]

  movie that were just a little bit [TS]

  out of my grasp and they made me afraid [TS]

  that movie made me afraid and also yearn [TS]

  for things i didn't i didn't know what i [TS]

  was doing all of you know what it is [TS]

  inevitable and yes it's the hallmark of [TS]

  like the late seventies my gosh I'm [TS]

  gonna fucking rabbit hole here it's a [TS]

  hallmark of the late seventies young [TS]

  person's movie whether that's breaking [TS]

  away whatever me uh the first movie I [TS]

  ever saw Diane laying in a little [TS]

  romance with mr. Laurence Olivier I had [TS]

  the hugest crush because about these [TS]

  kids who meet in Paris and fall in love [TS]

  and like 12 or 13 and i saw it was like [TS]

  10 or 11 so it's like you ever had that [TS]

  you're just filled with like easy kids [TS]

  at camp like you watch meatballs I'm [TS]

  like oh man I would love to meet a girl [TS]

  in shorts [TS]

  yeah well yes absolutely the interest [TS]

  but like so seductive Tatum O'Neal was [TS]

  that she I'm just realizing that there [TS]

  was a remake of bad news bears with some [TS]

  other people and yeah that's not what [TS]

  we're talking about but it we're talking [TS]

  about Walter Matthau Ricky take his [TS]

  fucking drinking beer because you're [TS]

  interfering the most rigorous but but [TS]

  1000 neal had this worldliness that I [TS]

  knew I knew already in nineteen whatever [TS]

  70 like what the hell year was that that [TS]

  was a 77 his paper moon was like 73 she [TS]

  smokes in that and she's like 10 ok 76 [TS]

  so Tatum O'Neal said your mother i sent [TS]

  you a link to some Jackie Earle Haley [TS]

  girls are checking out but like I knew [TS]

  in 1976 so I was eight in 76 and I knew [TS]

  that Tatum O'Neal in the bad news bears [TS]

  was not a virgin or maybe was still one [TS]

  but had been to third base and mental [TS]

  model for virginity when you were eight [TS]

  I was I'm so I was so worried you know [TS]

  that shit crossed [TS]

  that shit crossed [TS]

  some kind of she should cross the line [TS]

  and she had people she was like maybe [TS]

  maybe she's somebody touched her boobs [TS]

  and she was okay with it she wanted it [TS]

  to happen even and this is back when we [TS]

  both still worried about people being [TS]

  damaged goods right you what you worry [TS]

  about them a little bit [TS]

  well and and also like I had like I had [TS]

  engaged in a little bit of like you show [TS]

  me yours I'll show you mine and at one [TS]

  point out on the compost pile was in the [TS]

  process of doing a little you show me [TS]

  yours I'll show you mine with a couple [TS]

  of neighborhood girls when my mom came [TS]

  around the corner with a wheelbarrow [TS]

  full of compost of all the places and [TS]

  she said what are you kids doing get out [TS]

  of there [TS]

  this is why you hate farming it up and [TS]

  where everybody scattered oh and my mom [TS]

  wasn't mean about it she wasn't it [TS]

  wasn't you know she just that was from [TS]

  take a lot John I mean just just just [TS]

  her being there that those two worlds [TS]

  should not collide like oh I was covered [TS]

  in shame [TS]

  I was covered in shame and I did not [TS]

  know how you know and the thing about [TS]

  Tatum O'Neal and the and the kid with [TS]

  the dirt bike [TS]

  what's his name Jackie Earle Haley [TS]

  Jackie Earle Haley the thing about them [TS]

  is that they hadn't they clearly had no [TS]

  parental supervision or very little and [TS]

  I was worried that in order i think what [TS]

  it was I was worried that in order to to [TS]

  learn about sex and cross this is the [TS]

  Rubicon to be on the other side where [TS]

  that where where people were touching [TS]

  each other i was going to have to [TS]

  sacrifice my relationship with my mom [TS]

  you know what I mean like in the movies [TS]

  all the all the kids that were fast when [TS]

  you went to their house when the movie [TS]

  went to their house their mom was [TS]

  smoking cigarettes and was drunk in [TS]

  front of the TV or like you know a [TS]

  working mom single mom who's like always [TS]

  out selling real estate or whatever [TS]

  yeah but-but-but always liked the [TS]

  message in the movie was always that mom [TS]

  was self-involved or mean it was very [TS]

  seldom that she was a working mom who [TS]

  was harry reid and her kids were bad she [TS]

  was always a working mom who was like [TS]

  who was having an affair with her boss [TS]

  or like you know she was a she was a bad [TS]

  mom and so that's how these kids who had [TS]

  a who have hearts of gold but they were [TS]

  smoking cigarettes behind the school and [TS]

  they were they were feeling each other [TS]

  up and I didn't want to I didn't want to [TS]

  have to because you know my mom already [TS]

  worked a lot and I didn't want to have [TS]

  to lose the good relationship that we [TS]

  had with the little time that we had [TS]

  together in order to learn to be like a [TS]

  fast kid who liked head who had put his [TS]

  hand up a girl shirt and so I think in [TS]

  my mind somewhere i drew this [TS]

  i drew this line like I needed to be [TS]

  good and in order to be it was a little [TS]

  bit black-and-white in order to be good [TS]

  i needed to not wear it wasn't that I [TS]

  needed to but then I was never going to [TS]

  be [TS]

  the kid with the motorbike right and [TS]

  that's a that's a you know I could sit [TS]

  if if I could set my eight-year-old self [TS]

  down and talk to about this i would be [TS]

  arrested immediately for Pat for talking [TS]

  about sex with an eight-year-old because [TS]

  apparently that's illegal now let's not [TS]

  talk about time travel but who [TS]

  haha thats that back then it wasn't [TS]

  illegal back then you could have a kid [TS]

  go get a beer for you can make this time [TS]

  at the time now it's a oh boy that's a [TS]

  real my field was going to be frightened [TS]

  and I stopped but but it is i mean like [TS]

  i felt the same way my mom was real [TS]

  protective of me you know i think she's [TS]

  you know she had a lot of loss in her [TS]

  life and did not want to have me be lost [TS]

  to but like that made me more reluctant [TS]

  to like a until you know my mid-teen [TS]

  years to become a Hellion you know what [TS]

  I mean there's part of me that thinks [TS]

  like it's a good idea to like burning [TS]

  out of your system when your Tatum or [TS]

  Jackie aged like not but like in an [TS]

  environment that's safe like it should [TS]

  be some kind of like you know mall petri [TS]

  dish way to feel people up like he [TS]

  shouldn't have to like sneak out of the [TS]

  house when you're 17 and like you know [TS]

  go somewhere super foreign you don't [TS]

  mean it like that Italians having wine [TS]

  at dinner like it makes it takes away [TS]

  the stigma although the tragedy now is [TS]

  that whatever that was that I was seeing [TS]

  in Tatum O'Neal's eyes [TS]

  I mean what we know now about her [TS]

  relationship with her father ryan o'neal [TS]

  the alcoholic like their leader [TS]

  yeah terrible terrible but if there [TS]

  wasn't a fair beater [TS]

  what is the Faribault I was a hate it [TS]

  wasn't he [TS]

  unkind to Farrah Fawcett oh I think he [TS]

  was unkind everybody at the key I think [TS]

  he is legitimately abusive [TS]

  well she says here in her I'm not [TS]

  reading for Wikipedia in her [TS]

  autobiography O'Neill alleged that she [TS]

  was molested by her father's death [TS]

  dealer when she was 12 she also alleges [TS]

  physical and emotional abuse from her [TS]

  father much of which he attributed to [TS]

  drug use [TS]

  she detailed her own heroin addiction [TS]

  etc etc so whatever that worldliness [TS]

  that was being captured on film when she [TS]

  was 12 was in fact uh actual horror and [TS]

  just say Mackenzie Phillips Mackenzie [TS]

  Phillips another one and the lady was [TS]

  very attracted to for her parent [TS]

  worldliness who like you know had some [TS]

  problems [TS]

  yeah and maybe I was right as a kid to [TS]

  see that to see her a lure and also [TS]

  recognized that it was that it was a it [TS]

  was a tragedy or there was forbidden [TS]

  forbidden knowledge and that it's really [TS]

  the exploitative adults in 1976 who used [TS]

  that who use that brokenness in her eyes [TS]

  to captivate a generation of us young [TS]

  boys [TS]

  Wow boy I misbegotten youth might be [TS]

  done with the whole program now wuz wuz [TS]

  gud brokenness in her eyes [TS]

  shit um now what about Jodie Foster [TS]

  loved her you know [TS]

  remember the movie where she was [TS]

  remember that whole series of movies [TS]

  that would David Niven hang on a minute [TS]

  didn't she is one which is literally a [TS]

  minute limit is 1000 Neil the [TS]

  testimonial Jodie Foster in venues pairs [TS]

  was Tatum O'Neal and bad news bears [TS]

  history fostering the TV version is that [TS]

  wasn't thinking of I don't know what was [TS]

  their TV version Jodie Foster was in a [TS]

  movie with David Niven where she was an [TS]

  American girl who it turned out this is [TS]

  the great [TS]

  oh my god this this plotline big the [TS]

  very existence of this plotline ruined [TS]

  me as a child the knowledge that this [TS]

  type of thing was possible she was a [TS]

  like a ruffian an American Street [TS]

  ruffian little girl who it turns out is [TS]

  the heiress to some British you know [TS]

  sure her last surviving relative is the [TS]

  the Duchess of Cornwall or whatever and [TS]

  she flies over to England is living in a [TS]

  castle with David Niven and it's one of [TS]

  those culture clash things or she's like [TS]

  what you don't know how to play baseball [TS]

  smacking her gum and and monocle [TS]

  shatters yeah but uh but I said you know [TS]

  I saw that movie at at the exact wrong [TS]

  age that the totally impression elaj [TS]

  where I was like wait a minute are you [TS]

  two are you telling me that all i have [TS]

  to do is just be the all that's going to [TS]

  happen is somebody's gonna come knock on [TS]

  the door and be like hello [TS]

  we've come for the boy he's putting his [TS]

  last surviving son of the Duke of [TS]

  Cornwall what the Duke of bo was just a [TS]

  sauce [TS]

  imagine how your life would be different [TS]

  if you had David Niven for mentor I'd be [TS]

  such an asshole [TS]

  [Music] [TS]