Roderick on the Line

Ep. 82: "Yelling at Trees"


  hello hey John I Merlin hello [TS]

  ya got what I need but you say he's just [TS]

  a friend [TS]

  ya bizz Markie yes [TS]

  Biz Markie say I was just listening to [TS]

  some fizz Marquis yeah yesterday i was [TS]

  listening to the bottle service in today [TS]

  I'm listening to biz markie and just [TS]

  trying to I'm trying to go back and [TS]

  start over again returning to the [TS]

  classics I'm gonna take a different Road [TS]

  this time [TS]

  yeah i'm gonna take the high road [TS]

  starting afresh [TS]

  yeah I start off brush tabula rasa haha [TS]

  Byul Arase who [TS]

  word up John blank slate have you been [TS]

  getting exposed to new music oh well you [TS]

  know i was just at Seattle's bumbershoot [TS]

  festival and got exposed to a lot of new [TS]

  things I got exposed to some music like [TS]

  the Breeders superchunk community the [TS]

  zombies what that Kepler cutie [TS]

  whoa whoa all the big axe the Esau you [TS]

  saw sergeant and the other guy sergeant [TS]

  and what's-his-name allergen and and big [TS]

  voice that can still sing like how can [TS]

  II he sings it's amazing he's like an [TS]

  angel [TS]

  he's a little man and he's blue he's [TS]

  blowing doors out with this but this [TS]

  incredible voice my first song first [TS]

  chorus and you're like how do you get [TS]

  how would you get there even at the end [TS]

  of your set how would you be so so [TS]

  warmed up that you could hit that note [TS]

  he's right there his solo records really [TS]

  good now I'm sorry that i'm totally [TS]

  spacing out his name is Colin Colin [TS]

  blundstone once down [TS]

  yeah they have a really good song that I [TS]

  think they might even record after [TS]

  odyssey an Oracle i think it's called [TS]

  remember the Swan em and then [TS]

  and then it's just uh just soaring yeah [TS]

  that record is that's a melancholy [TS]

  record it is there's a lot of sadness [TS]

  being a zombie [TS]

  mmm they're so so strong about world war [TS]

  one on there [TS]

  well you know what there's a song about [TS]

  world war one on the second key to help [TS]

  them to they don't want to talk about it [TS]

  was a controversial because they like [TS]

  the wrong side it's just that a lot of [TS]

  that most keen fans you know that they [TS]

  want the they want the songs to be about [TS]

  love automatically what would you seem [TS]

  less keen songs are about I would say [TS]

  most keen songs are about longing for [TS]

  friendship oh it's like a bunny kind of [TS]

  thing longing for friendship [TS]

  it's proto brownie they McKeon was there [TS]

  before the bronies but yeah it's about [TS]

  longing for friendship just like [TS]

  everything [TS]

  yeah it's like everything i remember i [TS]

  remember you know back when I didn't [TS]

  want to be touched [TS]

  I didn't realize that there is never it [TS]

  had been realized that i did that what I [TS]

  really was doing was yearning to be [TS]

  touched you you just wanted to hold [TS]

  hands and talk yeah you know like to put [TS]

  your head on my shoulder cut my hair is [TS]

  I don't think that's what everybody [TS]

  wants nice hair [TS]

  ya see saw the zombies you saw the beers [TS]

  i asked the beaters a couple times they [TS]

  did back in the day they put on a pretty [TS]

  good show i like better nirvana song [TS]

  yeah you know they still put on a good [TS]

  show and I have to say I was it i'm i'm [TS]

  standing in the crowd the young lady I [TS]

  was with the concert turned to me and [TS]

  said judge that do the Breeders matter [TS]

  to you where the Breeders part of your [TS]

  thing today are they like part of your [TS]

  pantheon by my side and i slumped my [TS]

  shoulders and I said yes the Breeders [TS]

  matter to me what part of that was hard [TS]

  for you it's hard i don't know i [TS]

  remember at the time the Breeders it [TS]

  just felt like it felt like it was that [TS]

  that moment in time where it's like we [TS]

  don't even know what a player [TS]

  instruments my sister doesn't even she [TS]

  never even picked up a guitar before and [TS]

  and now she's you know coming up with [TS]

  these cool guitar parts and we're a band [TS]

  and we don't even care do to do and I [TS]

  was like fuck all of that [TS]

  yeah but in fact they made really good [TS]

  music [TS]

  of to me you know like that music [TS]

  reaches me it's very cool everything [TS]

  about them is cool but but like I feel [TS]

  like it's legitimately cool it's not [TS]

  trying to is it is and I think just one [TS]

  of those instances where the albini [TS]

  production was such a perfect match [TS]

  yeah I mean that man knows how to make a [TS]

  base yes he can make up is I mean two [TS]

  midgets base is like a force of nature [TS]

  really way he makes it sound in the way [TS]

  he does drums i heard am I got a copy of [TS]

  the cassette of demos mostly stuff that [TS]

  was on pod and some stuff that would be [TS]

  on last splash in early versions and [TS]

  it's not a great it was I think we're [TS]

  like you put this on and if you were [TS]

  some dumbass record executive in the [TS]

  early nineties who would you know who [TS]

  would have signed up in a pound of bacon [TS]

  like cotton candy got plans why ya gotta [TS]

  promote the hell out of this [TS]

  poke poke poke I'll tell you how to make [TS]

  I'm gonna be you just bake this right [TS]

  talks up pop [TS]

  well I have to say though you know how I [TS]

  feel about distortion and I've been [TS]

  reflecting back on my life as a musician [TS]

  and i feel like i have not I have not [TS]

  given distort I'm not allowed myself to [TS]

  have distortion this is the problem and [TS]

  I'm sorry I lost you you have a meeting [TS]

  overdrive or confusion [TS]

  mm-hmm do I see no i mean so what you [TS]

  don't you get a pass or a rat or [TS]

  something's both things i have a million [TS]

  overdrive pedals i have a I actually [TS]

  have a there's an extension of my house [TS]

  just built out of the boxes the [TS]

  overdrive pedals came on and we call it [TS]

  the boss we but i but but you know in [TS]

  the nineties right i had a mite my [TS]

  amplifier was a carven 120 watt head on [TS]

  top of a 4-12 cabinet that was so great [TS]

  about 600 yes that was it was one of [TS]

  those elements heavily they was so heavy [TS]

  and it was and it had a parametric EQ on [TS]

  the front and it was you know but for [TS]

  all back in the day you know we guitar [TS]

  dudes would sit and like really micro [TS]

  adjust all the different frequencies at [TS]

  this you know this is for playing club [TS]

  shows where there are 60 80 people [TS]

  hundred and fifty people and you know I [TS]

  had that and then the other guitarist in [TS]

  the band also had a 4-12 cabinet and a [TS]

  hundred whitehead [TS]

  we're just ripping people's faces off [TS]

  and every band did it and tons and tons [TS]

  of distortion it was you know we're rock [TS]

  and roll but my indie rock career there [TS]

  are no there but hardly any recordings [TS]

  of that whole decade and my indie rock [TS]

  career was you know it coincided with [TS]

  the whole quiet is the new loud [TS]

  apocalypse and the whole distortion is [TS]

  bad fast tempos or bad we're just going [TS]

  to our music is just gonna going to bore [TS]

  people into a state where all they want [TS]

  to do is buy the t-shirt just gently [TS]

  stroked me ukulele case yeah just I mean [TS]

  longing for Israelis it was just like [TS]

  we're going to pet your vagina hair [TS]

  until you see you sleep sleep sleep and [TS]

  so you know so the first few long [TS]

  winters records were made in the in this [TS]

  area and at that point I had I had lost [TS]

  my confidence in rock and roll a little [TS]

  bit my personal confidence in it and i [TS]

  didn't know i didn't understand what was [TS]

  happening and and I was being shepherded [TS]

  through these recordings and and I was [TS]

  on a label that was very a that you know [TS]

  also believed that hard rock and heavy [TS]

  rock and kind of run its course this is [TS]

  a new generation and so the so the long [TS]

  winters records are are softer than i [TS]

  would have had them if if if I medicine [TS]

  cabinet pirate medicine cabinet pirate [TS]

  was up absolute fist fight to get it [TS]

  made [TS]

  there was one mix of medicine cabinet [TS]

  pirate that was presented to me in the [TS]

  business is like late in the game like [TS]

  we are mixing the record and a mix of [TS]

  medicine cabinet pirate came over the [TS]

  bow that had no guitars on [TS]

  is this mr. wala it was chris wallace [TS]

  was like I just don't understand the [TS]

  guitars on this record I don't quite [TS]

  understand the guitar sounds and I [TS]

  really this is what i'm hearing and it [TS]

  sounded like a Bjork mix it was like [TS]

  bass and drum machine and just got the [TS]

  dr j keyboard right yeah right just the [TS]

  just the outside elements and not the [TS]

  guitar not the guitar oh my god that was [TS]

  science so pretentious is so funny [TS]

  because with the guitars are our face [TS]

  searing and it's one of the most I mean [TS]

  car parts is is in its wake a mid-tempo [TS]

  manicure kind of song beautiful my [TS]

  favorite one song but medicine at pirate [TS]

  is much more like this role in some ways [TS]

  anything [TS]

  well and medicine counterpart is how it [TS]

  says is close to sounding like the music [TS]

  i made before the long winters as [TS]

  anything on on those records but anyway [TS]

  so I've been thinking you know so the [TS]

  last couple of years i have not been [TS]

  recording new music for public [TS]

  consumption but i have been working on [TS]

  music at home making tons and tons of [TS]

  music actually and it all is [TS]

  characterized by this breeders like [TS]

  distortion wash it's not something we [TS]

  describe some stuff using and selling [TS]

  NBD a little bit my bloody valentine [TS]

  hugely influential it not not not [TS]

  directly but like spiritually like that [TS]

  that feeling you have when you put on [TS]

  the headphones for potentially driving [TS]

  in fog late at night when everybody else [TS]

  in the cars asleep and you have been [TS]

  eating mushrooms all day that feeling [TS]

  that you are falling into the sky is [TS]

  something that I'm always trying to [TS]

  capture and that's anyway that's what [TS]

  i've been making and so listening to the [TS]

  breeders and going to that show for [TS]

  years I was just like I don't want to be [TS]

  influenced by the Breeders that's not [TS]

  the story that i want you know the story [TS]

  that i want to be telling is that I'm [TS]

  influenced by Judas Priest but in fact [TS]

  i'm more influenced by the Breeders than [TS]

  then I then I've never been comfortable [TS]

  admitting until now [TS]

  and it's been it's because of that like [TS]

  because she's singing so down she solo [TS]

  her you know her energy is just solo [TS]

  vibe and cool and the music is just [TS]

  washing over you and it's like yeah [TS]

  that's kind of what I'm into [TS]

  no you know it's it's great it's great [TS]

  it's like Jeff Buckley it's great music [TS]

  to have sex two girls that have tribal [TS]

  tattoos especially she's dead [TS]

  oh I'm not a bad way alright okay good [TS]

  dead in a good way but yeah I'm trying [TS]

  to steal this makes me sad because I [TS]

  mean that the point the Breeders thing [TS]

  is is a is getting your dander up a [TS]

  little bit but says you're getting [TS]

  closer to well yeah because a lot of [TS]

  thing you'd like to do you know you know [TS]

  what it's like to be 25 Merlin you've [TS]

  been 25 [TS]

  yeah and when I was 12 * if I for about [TS]

  20 years when I was 20 I was 25 for [TS]

  about 11 minutes but when i was twenty [TS]

  five or six that I really felt already [TS]

  had 24 21 23 years old I already felt [TS]

  like I was too old for punk music that [TS]

  was for kids [TS]

  I felt like I was too old for pop music [TS]

  in a way like contemporary music was it [TS]

  was already so dumb by 1991 that I was [TS]

  like I i made the mistake of thinking I [TS]

  was too sophisticated to be the age that [TS]

  I was in the time that I was and it was [TS]

  only later that I reflected back and you [TS]

  know because i never saw Nirvana Nirvana [TS]

  was playing shows all around me and I [TS]

  was like nirvana is a bunch of kids [TS]

  music bunch of dumb you know some [TS]

  druggies and it was only later that that [TS]

  I that I allowed myself to be a fan of [TS]

  Nirvana after you know he didn't really [TS]

  after and after he got two days before [TS]

  Kurt Cobain kill himself if you had [TS]

  asked me if I like Nirvana i would have [TS]

  said man [TS]

  yeah i guess if you like that simple [TS]

  kids music and two weeks after Kurt [TS]

  Cobain died I thought that the bed the [TS]

  world had ended so the breakers are [TS]

  diabetic I this is the problem with the [TS]

  breakers for me to at the time I was [TS]

  like I i will always have a soft spot [TS]

  for smells like teen spirit but the [TS]

  computer is a much better record really [TS]

  i bet it's a insecticide is the one for [TS]

  me and left me with that and says decide [TS]

  is the B is that like singles b-sides I [TS]

  think the age is showing on never mind a [TS]

  little bit and production wise but it is [TS]

  incensed decide was the stuff that it [TS]

  was released after nevermind but it was [TS]

  all recorded before [TS]

  ok and in some cases recorded even [TS]

  before the more beachy it's it's super [TS]

  bleachy but even some of its even pre [TS]

  bleach and and so what it is it's like I [TS]

  could you remember that late eighties [TS]

  obviously does he remember but the [TS]

  ladies up here there was not a [TS]

  tremendous distinction between hippie [TS]

  psychedelic a metal and punk was also [TS]

  what's frustrating about the fucking [TS]

  grunge thing is like I mean had how do [TS]

  you take a combination of the raincoats [TS]

  influence and the Black Sabbath [TS]

  influence and kind of act like that's [TS]

  the same thing right and there's some of [TS]

  the some of the stuff on incest aside is [TS]

  nirvana like tripping out kinda like [TS]

  true trippy trip trip is I mean it's [TS]

  still all Paul Nirvana it's grungy but [TS]

  it's like they're they haven't been [TS]

  quite figured out short fast or even [TS]

  loud soft it's just like where I walk [TS]

  and it's I don't know this is a hard [TS]

  girl as a stoner it is a lot of it [TS]

  before Dave Grohl so yeah so it's a [TS]

  little so it's a little less like a [TS]

  packer to contain and I'm much more like [TS]

  wow I i was like no they would like to [TS]

  publicly analyze you [TS]

  oh yes only take a minute um I know too [TS]

  much should i also should i say ah well [TS]

  be nice if you can maybe just reclined a [TS]

  little bit okay ready [TS]

  ok let's make you feel it's interesting [TS]

  to me based on many many many hundreds [TS]

  of conversations we've had that we I [TS]

  think we both have a background in a [TS]

  certain kind of really visceral like [TS]

  crunchy music you know playing the [TS]

  tennis racket kind of music I mean the [TS]

  stuff that I mean I I know for myself [TS]

  and i think based on what you said I [TS]

  mean the thing that got you excited [TS]

  about making the leap from being a music [TS]

  consumer to be a music producer was [TS]

  partly that something welling up inside [TS]

  of you started with this appreciation [TS]

  for these awarding and visceral like [TS]

  very like physical like you could feel [TS]

  it down down down down down or you know [TS]

  or you know whatever you know that kind [TS]

  of stuff that the first time that you [TS]

  students and saw away at a guitar until [TS]

  you have forgotten everything when you [TS]

  just there's you know eyes closed sweat [TS]

  pouring down just and you're just [TS]

  hammering on this guitar i think i could [TS]

  play sweet leaf at rehearsal for hours [TS]

  it's just so fun that little like done [TS]

  and it's just so fun to play and a [TS]

  feeling you get here the analysis is [TS]

  that you're a thinker you think a lot [TS]

  and it's the interesting thing to me is [TS]

  that you seem to be a war with yourself [TS]

  about this one side of you that [TS]

  absolutely knows what you like [TS]

  like you're not even likewhat influence [TS]

  you want to point it seemed like you you [TS]

  have a pretty good feeling for like [TS]

  whether it's something that's like in [TS]

  your pantheon or something you can take [TS]

  your leave or something that should be [TS]

  you know killed with fire but you think [TS]

  a lot and I think that's very [TS]

  interesting and I would have things that [TS]

  they can get in the way of which would [TS]

  you like to make yes it does it does and [TS]

  and I've been I've been reflecting ever [TS]

  since design about that I've been [TS]

  thinking about it a lot ever ever said [TS]

  so-so were coming up [TS]

  well actually no we're over it it's been [TS]

  a month now that i have adopted this new [TS]

  way of eating no sugar and it's it's [TS]

  it's extraordinary say it's still you [TS]

  still feel a difference [TS]

  absolutely i mean I because because in [TS]

  the course of the month now I've had a [TS]

  couple of opportunities to like okay I'm [TS]

  not you know I'm not living in a [TS]

  dictatorship here i'm gonna have a piece [TS]

  of pie on Saturday because what the hell [TS]

  and I had I've been good [TS]

  well and it was it was much more like [TS]

  I'm in this for the long haul [TS]

  it's not like I'm never gonna have a [TS]

  piece of pie again I have to figure out [TS]

  how to have one and then go back to [TS]

  eating right but that's the that's the [TS]

  problem [TS]

  it is the problem you know like if I [TS]

  friend from like an unopened bottle of [TS]

  bourbon sure or or like if I could have [TS]

  a cigarette and then on Monday go back [TS]

  to not having cigarettes it would be a [TS]

  problem i would still be having [TS]

  cigarettes sometimes but you know I i [TS]

  was i I am NOT able to do that i [TS]

  interrupting a month one month [TS]

  well so so I I so I've had the occasion [TS]

  to have a slice of pie and not only did [TS]

  i did i like a leap off into this sugar [TS]

  like super buzzed but my nose started [TS]

  running my sinuses got climb you want [TS]

  with it whether that within 45 minutes [TS]

  whoa and I have stealing and I'm like [TS]

  and then and then I'm plummeting off the [TS]

  off the edge and then it's three o'clock [TS]

  in the morning and i'm wide awake [TS]

  drumming my fingers on the bed and I'm [TS]

  like whoa that was close one piece of [TS]

  pie and admittedly three chocolate chip [TS]

  cookies and Palmer but what zoom and [TS]

  then and then just it wasn't just like [TS]

  buzz and crash it was just it was back [TS]

  to bonkers but anyway so here I am a [TS]

  month into this my energy is is for the [TS]

  most part like stabilized and calm and [TS]

  I'm really able to recognize I look [TS]

  around my life and I recognize i am [TS]

  presently at 44 years old almost 45 [TS]

  presently in some indefinable feud with [TS]

  24 people 24 people like a name and now [TS]

  that you have the clarity of mind you [TS]

  could actually write them all down and [TS]

  keep them straight organized [TS]

  yeah that's right then I'm not talking [TS]

  about all the people that you know there [TS]

  is not a my bloody valentine fog of [TS]

  embassies you've got a clear idea of [TS]

  exactly who you're not square with right [TS]

  absolutely there there are people on the [TS]

  list that I'm not [TS]

  look into in five years there are people [TS]

  on the list I haven't spoken to six [TS]

  months there are people on the list that [TS]

  are just recently added to the list [TS]

  there are people that have been on the [TS]

  list for 18 years but I could I can tell [TS]

  you you know like and those are those [TS]

  are not the people that I see around [TS]

  town that I'm like that I hate that guy [TS]

  I don't even know his name I just don't [TS]

  like him updates for 24 people i can [TS]

  name and I'm realizing like him like him [TS]

  I think myself into I on a daily basis I [TS]

  think myself into Buchenwald like I am [TS]

  in time in 24 different Buchenwald of [TS]

  the minds need for other parts that [TS]

  don't know I and i have to say like it [TS]

  now I've got a little bit of clarity [TS]

  I've got a little bit of calm and I'm [TS]

  realizing oh my god i'm just at the [TS]

  beginning of trying to get my life back [TS]

  I don't even know how I don't even know [TS]

  how to go around [TS]

  I you know I i bet at least 20 of those [TS]

  people I can't possibly apologize to [TS]

  because i don't remember what the [TS]

  problem was and so so that's just it's [TS]

  really challenging like a you know like [TS]

  I feel like calling people up and say [TS]

  hey there sorry about that you know and [TS]

  and this is the thing people are never [TS]

  thinking about you as much as you are [TS]

  you as much as you think they're [TS]

  thinking about you so probably 15 of [TS]

  those people be like what [TS]

  Oh are we having a fight and have to [TS]

  remember who you are in your fucking [TS]

  yeah I just thought you stopped calling [TS]

  me because we didn't get along or [TS]

  because you you know because you were [TS]

  bored of me or something you know and [TS]

  and i'm sitting over here like no I'm [TS]

  not bored of you i'm still super pissed [TS]

  at you about something so anyway like [TS]

  this thinking oh my god thinking is such [TS]

  a albatross it is it i feel like if I [TS]

  feel like thinking past a certain point [TS]

  is a disability like a Jedi like a [TS]

  genuine disability and where's my god IM [TS]

  parade yeah well let's say it's a [TS]

  handicap is where's where it's a [TS]

  handicap it's it's a handy capable like [TS]

  charlie brown cloud yeah yeah I I mean [TS]

  it's been cloudy [TS]

  well I mean just to put a little bit of [TS]

  syrup on this Bank [TS]

  I guess I always thought that as I got [TS]

  older people would make more sense to me [TS]

  and I'm embarrassed to say this because [TS]

  I'm certain it has either everything to [TS]

  do with what I didn't understand my [TS]

  entire life for everything to do with [TS]

  the fact that I'm a sociopath but like [TS]

  people make less sense to me [TS]

  just about every week or so I honestly [TS]

  feel like on the one hand i'm incredibly [TS]

  I'm growing like really soft inside and [TS]

  sympathetic to how fucked up everybody [TS]

  can be either not know or not have [TS]

  access to changing it but i also just [TS]

  don't understand why people do what they [TS]

  do it's just it's so perplexing to me [TS]

  and you know sometimes the more i feel [TS]

  that the less i talk about it but I [TS]

  there's so much stuff that almost [TS]

  everybody I I know guys that I just [TS]

  frankly do not understand and i keep it [TS]

  to myself because I don't argue about it [TS]

  that's part of my affliction like I I [TS]

  honestly I honestly thought that as i [TS]

  get older i become more sage and more [TS]

  wise and be able to have you know a [TS]

  certain amount of remove from these [TS]

  things could be going oh well obviously [TS]

  you know I've worked with people enough [TS]

  now that everything that makes sense and [TS]

  so now I know how to manipulate people [TS]

  because I'm really good at that and and [TS]

  i I just I feel like I'm around aliens [TS]

  more and more [TS]

  yeah and I mean I don't know if you get [TS]

  that but I mean that's a clarity thing [TS]

  for me I i think in in fact i was in a [TS]

  fog for a different kind of fog maybe [TS]

  not sugar fog but for a long time was [TS]

  thinking that I understood what the fuck [TS]

  was going on and and now i know that i [TS]

  don't and i know that i am I reflection [TS]

  my handicap my handi-capable as I [TS]

  honestly don't understand about 80% of [TS]

  what everybody does people who are [TS]

  exactly like the idea understand what [TS]

  they do neither and and I mean I love [TS]

  Demetrius is this another is related [TS]

  because i think this bumbershoot there [TS]

  the bumbershoot is a time one [TS]

  people come from all around lots of [TS]

  people people I've known for years [TS]

  people that I have known professionally [TS]

  old friends new friends [TS]

  it's a big gathering of people and I'm [TS]

  there with with all the people and [TS]

  socializing and and fun and times and if [TS]

  there was one problem which was that I [TS]

  was headed backstage to the big [TS]

  backstage party show [TS]

  and this is you know a big festival so [TS]

  they hire they hire a lot of convicts [TS]

  they hire a lot of people who who ate a [TS]

  lot of lead paint chips when they were [TS]

  kids [TS]

  apparently the ultimate lined the [TS]

  aldehyde group of people that live [TS]

  downwind from the smelter and those [TS]

  people are charged so so there are [TS]

  people who are the least informed the [TS]

  least capable up people they don't hire [TS]

  them to personally major status they [TS]

  hire them to make a zero or one decision [TS]

  that's probably a zero that's right [TS]

  they're given that they are given a [TS]

  mandate which is which is which is [TS]

  basically like a bit in the movie Tron [TS]

  like are you on or off [TS]

  yes yes no yes no and so I'm in this [TS]

  large group of people and includes some [TS]

  very famous rock stars [TS]

  we're all moving along toward a doorway [TS]

  that is the doorway between the dummies [TS]

  the 50,000 dummies who are out looking [TS]

  or dipping corn dogs in powdered sugar [TS]

  or whatever it is that people hear [TS]

  things like this and then on the other [TS]

  side of this door it is this rarefied [TS]

  backstage world where you just you look [TS]

  around it's like everybody back here is [TS]

  wearing a gold cape and everybody back [TS]

  here has an MTV Music Video Award and [TS]

  we're just going to sit back here and [TS]

  put our pinky fingers up each other's [TS]

  bucks and this is why we do it just like [TS]

  fish bag valve all it is we're just [TS]

  going to sit back here and people are [TS]

  going to tell you that they love your [TS]

  album but they've never listened to [TS]

  before and people are going to introduce [TS]

  you two pretty girls that don't have any [TS]

  reason to be back there but they're [TS]

  pretty let's get the whole it's the [TS]

  whole thing and this this dummy this guy [TS]

  this guy who you know who is still at 55 [TS]

  years old studying for his GED is [TS]

  looking at everybody's pass and earlier [TS]

  in the day [TS]

  I in my pursuit of special privilege [TS]

  head had jumped over a barrier because I [TS]

  did not want to wait for another one of [TS]

  these guys another one of these Dwayne [TS]

  the rock Johnson's to take the time to [TS]

  look through my bag or whatever and so I [TS]

  like i skirted this guy and I did not [TS]

  get a little red stamp on my all-access [TS]

  pass well there's another level above [TS]

  all access oh this is the thing there's [TS]

  all access it mostly when accidents all [TS]

  all access with a little red stamp on it [TS]

  then there's all access with a little [TS]

  red stamp and a gold star on the back [TS]

  and then there's all access with a red [TS]

  stamp and two gold stars aren't you are [TS]

  literally making this up [TS]

  not at all and then there's one there's [TS]

  all access with a red stamp three gold [TS]

  stars on the back and one black line [TS]

  across the left bottom corner and I [TS]

  don't have the red stamp and so 20 [TS]

  people are formed who are going through [TS]

  this door and this little Nimrod uh who [TS]

  basically is is one of the he's [TS]

  basically one of the puppets in a in [TS]

  Blade Runner the one with the little [TS]

  captain's hat on the long nose again [TS]

  home again jiggity he says well oh hey [TS]

  buddy you don't have the red stamp and [TS]

  I'm like listen doesn't matter i'm going [TS]

  through this door and he's like I have [TS]

  been charged with one task in my entire [TS]

  life my wife does not respect me my [TS]

  children don't love me [TS]

  my parents are dead i will you shall not [TS]

  pass and I'm standing there and and you [TS]

  know and this is the thing about walking [TS]

  away that nobody's gonna help you out [TS]

  this year [TS]

  rock rock musicians right yeah it is [TS]

  just like they turn around and if they [TS]

  had looked back and I and somebody had [TS]

  doused me with oil that was literally [TS]

  building a ghetto brick wall or holding [TS]

  a highway flare in their hands [TS]

  I never liked will one man vouched for [TS]

  this person they would be like steel [TS]

  anybody and and I would be immolated so [TS]

  I'm sitting there and I'm like I know [TS]

  not to appeal to the to the to the kids [TS]

  for flowing through the door because [TS]

  like it's already on cool don't make it [TS]

  more uncool by calling attention to [TS]

  yourself [TS]

  so now I thought that reads as list at [TS]

  us yeah you don't want to sit there be [TS]

  like hey you guys would you call the [TS]

  Tudor manager you know like the doors [TS]

  already shutting so now I'm standing [TS]

  here talking to this kind of like listen [TS]

  I know that you have this one thing [TS]

  they're supposed to do they have to in [TS]

  this moment just think for yourself and [TS]

  realize that I am NOT i'm standing here [TS]

  with an all-access pass and I did not [TS]

  get the stamp for whatever reason but [TS]

  you should know by my main by my manner [TS]

  by the energy that i have the energy of [TS]

  a star that you need to let me through [TS]

  this door right now otherwise it's going [TS]

  to get terrible here [TS]

  the atmosphere in your little corner of [TS]

  this stadium is going to get really bad [TS]

  for a little bit and she says you got to [TS]

  have the red stand how the atmosphere go [TS]

  the atmosphere got really bad right [TS]

  there and know what was your he kept he [TS]

  kept you know he kept like explaining [TS]

  about how he had been told about the red [TS]

  stamp at one point I put my finger to [TS]

  his lips and I said that's enough [TS]

  Oh shine like I was it got bad there [TS]

  because I understand that he'd been told [TS]

  you get real focused in a moment like [TS]

  that I understand what he had been told [TS]

  and I said that to him I understand what [TS]

  you've been told but this is a moment [TS]

  this is the moment where like if your [TS]

  life can change if you do not recognize [TS]

  the King when he is wearing street [TS]

  clothes like there is no forgiveness [TS]

  later [TS]

  and so that's set off a chain of events [TS]

  where I was can I'll i needed to [TS]

  confront I was this was the universe at [TS]

  this point it's not really so much about [TS]

  getting in the door anymore now that's a [TS]

  different level right now what I don't [TS]

  want to see this fucking show anymore [TS]

  accelerator a turbo at this point i do [TS]

  not want to stand next to Bob Mould and [TS]

  talk about the news of the day and talk [TS]

  about bear week at provincetown I am I [TS]

  on clearly different level now I'm [TS]

  flying I'm flying I'm sr-71 now looking [TS]

  down and in a way my the worm turn like [TS]

  my incredible day went to blackness [TS]

  because of nobody's fault like this this [TS]

  guys doing whatever doing his job [TS]

  just just escorting people into the [TS]

  ovens and I didn't get the stamp because [TS]

  of some hubris on my part earlier in the [TS]

  day like this is the this is the gods on [TS]

  Mount Olympus saying let us let us let [TS]

  us guide the path of this arrow right [TS]

  into the heel of Achilles and I'm and [TS]

  I'm standing there just just bathed in [TS]

  my fury at after all these years not [TS]

  having the right [TS]

  laminate and and I'm just like what what [TS]

  what is next what is next for me I [TS]

  cannot be more wrong here [TS]

  you know I can my anger I mean did you [TS]

  realize that at some point during the [TS]

  evening [TS]

  yeah Wow like monospaced that's pretty [TS]

  fast my anger here is the wrong anger [TS]

  directed at all the wrong things but it [TS]

  is so real so profound my feeling that [TS]

  there should be he that there are [TS]

  Sneetches with stars on their bellies [TS]

  there are Sneetches with no stars on [TS]

  their bellies and then there is me the [TS]

  Lorax [TS]

  you speak for the butter I speak for all [TS]

  the motherfuckers and that is wrong [TS]

  that's incorrect that is not a correct [TS]

  assessment of the situation and and [TS]

  there are there are so many ways to [TS]

  handle these you know like to navigate [TS]

  the world where you do not you know [TS]

  where where where you just you just wait [TS]

  in line long enough and you can you [TS]

  realize when you get there like oh [TS]

  there's a red stamp that I'm gonna need [TS]

  later or whatever or the guy says the [TS]

  guy says I'm not allowed to let you [TS]

  through the door and you go okay i'm [TS]

  going home or or or I don't know what [TS]

  you do or I honestly this is the problem [TS]

  i honestly don't know what you do [TS]

  because all I know how to do in that [TS]

  moment is to be sting or stewart [TS]

  copeland worse you know like the guy [TS]

  who's just like throwing his drumsticks [TS]

  at some shred Rukh who's employed by a [TS]

  subsidiary of Halliburton so who [TS]

  suffice to say no no Bob Mould well no I [TS]

  eventually somebody but we cannot say [TS]

  but eventually some other employee of [TS]

  the super stadium [TS]

  well I'm standing there I'm just [TS]

  towering over this guy and I'm like [TS]

  listen there's a lot of there's a lot of [TS]

  there's a lot of bad things that are [TS]

  going to happen to you on Christmas Eve [TS]

  this year [TS]

  this Christmas matter to you is [TS]

  Christmas of thing in your house [TS]

  mark mark this day wet because there are [TS]

  there only a hundred fifteen more [TS]

  anxiety days that you didn't storm [TS]

  straight to a higher authority did you [TS]

  plot phone and call people my phone was [TS]

  dead but because it's okay i see this is [TS]

  this this [TS]

  no no fake because this guy the thing is [TS]

  that a certain point these guys turned [TS]

  to stone [TS]

  there's nothing there is he does not [TS]

  have the components hiring at Yale [TS]

  obviously but but not only that but he [TS]

  does not have the capacity to think on [TS]

  his feet and once it gets hostile well [TS]

  there's a classic thing and we're going [TS]

  to companies that means an old thing [TS]

  that people said for a long time but you [TS]

  tell a lot about somebody in their [TS]

  position [TS]

  how much power they have because do they [TS]

  do they have the power to say no or how [TS]

  much power and about which things do [TS]

  they have the power to say yes because [TS]

  true power is the ability to say yes [TS]

  it's not the power saying now I mean [TS]

  having said that you know this guy's [TS]

  whole job is about saying no the whole [TS]

  reason he's hired it is like I say he's [TS]

  not there like parts out whether you [TS]

  should be you know behind the pipe and [TS]

  drape he's there to basically be this [TS]

  valve where nobody gets through except [TS]

  for this extremely small number of [TS]

  people in a single metric for his entire [TS]

  job is whether he got every single one [TS]

  of those right yeah basically he is a he [TS]

  is a laser pointer made out of meat [TS]

  yeah he does he's just it's just rare [TS]

  honor off but you know in five minutes [TS]

  later some uh some woman who also worked [TS]

  for a subsidiary of Halliburton comes [TS]

  through the door looks at me and goes oh [TS]

  hi [TS]

  I recognize you from earlier and I was [TS]

  like is that so and she turns to the guy [TS]

  and she's like oh I know this guy and [TS]

  then I'm like I with one hand I am [TS]

  giving this woman a sweet caress down [TS]

  the down the side of her shoulder with [TS]

  the other hand i'm giving the other guy [TS]

  the double nickels on the dime like fuck [TS]

  you [TS]

  middle finger right in his little his [TS]

  little long nose face and it was just [TS]

  like it was just the sort it was sort of [TS]

  a synchronized swimming move like [TS]

  petting the one lady fucked off right in [TS]

  the other guy's face and then i'm down [TS]

  the stairs and Janice of a cost steel [TS]

  later but so it is so it all ends up but [TS]

  the problem is then I you know then the [TS]

  rest of the night through my friends Big [TS]

  Show and through all the socializing I [TS]

  am chewing the data I'm crunching the [TS]

  numbers in my head gets so easy it is so [TS]

  difficult to shake that off its here and [TS]

  I'm adrenaline adrenaline is so high but [TS]

  the numbers I'm you know I'm reviewing [TS]

  the math and the numbers are telling me [TS]

  over and over [TS]

  you are the problem here you are the [TS]

  agent of you are the bad actor in this [TS]

  scenario because you're basically just [TS]

  yelling at trees like you are you are [TS]

  yelling out the car window [TS]

  uh draw all alone driving in the dark [TS]

  and there's no and what do you what do [TS]

  you hope to achieve like what what what [TS]

  is wrong with you [TS]

  ultimately so what you are interested in [TS]

  retrospect what do you if you could camp [TS]

  monday morning quarterback it if you [TS]

  could tuesday evening quarterback it [TS]

  what maybe not specifically where did [TS]

  you go wrong like if you could redo some [TS]

  of that knowing what you know what would [TS]

  you have done differently like where [TS]

  would it was the earliest thing you [TS]

  would have changed if you get groundhog [TS]

  day that you know the projo waiting in [TS]

  line for your stamp know what am i some [TS]

  fucking monkey sign so some dog waiting [TS]

  for a snack but waiting for the chuck [TS]

  wagon to come out from under the same [TS]

  essential complicated first drive across [TS]

  the kitchen floor in the cupboard know [TS]

  what I want my little car you turn the [TS]

  key and going to circle the fuck up [TS]

  no the problem was that I somewhere [TS]

  along the line here have lost confidence [TS]

  in myself to the point that i was i was [TS]

  sincerely concerned with being in this [TS]

  group of of famous people being being [TS]

  one of them being the social speaking of [TS]

  being part of the social center of a [TS]

  group of artists that I admired or that [TS]

  I understood that I was meant to admire [TS]

  and that this is where I meant to where [TS]

  I think I should belong where I meant to [TS]

  belong in this group and that has [TS]

  nothing to do with me [TS]

  I do not I do not care ultimately like [TS]

  the the experience of being down in that [TS]

  room in the sin the mutual admiration [TS]

  society the experience of being [TS]

  backstage is entirely a status and [TS]

  belonging issue like I could have just [TS]

  walked around the corner from where I [TS]

  was standing [TS]

  and have gone into the stadium and watch [TS]

  the rock concert like the rock concert [TS]

  was not I don't want to defend or try to [TS]

  say anything but do you know what I [TS]

  dunno about you is that well yeah I mean [TS]

  but that socializing if you want to call [TS]

  it that is kind of part of your work [TS]

  that's what you doing the reason I [TS]

  mention that is I've been to lots of [TS]

  places with you where you know I people [TS]

  open open their arms and their red red [TS]

  the ropes to you it's very is it's it's [TS]

  not unusual for you to be the guy who [TS]

  goes backstage things because that's [TS]

  just the thing that you do and you don't [TS]

  go back to America douche but I mean I [TS]

  get that's just the thing that happens [TS]

  but that but that reaction that reaction [TS]

  was a reaction the reaction i had was [TS]

  coming from a place of entitlement [TS]

  yeah just on the fun it's like it you [TS]

  know it's it does it does but that's the [TS]

  thing that but but that that that [TS]

  automaton in a uniform was not the [TS]

  problem i cannot be mad at the system [TS]

  I can't be mad at the guy 15 guys up who [TS]

  decided to hire a bunch of dummies to [TS]

  work security because everybody's doing [TS]

  their job like Who am I mad at it's like [TS]

  being mad at the city it's like it's [TS]

  like being a member of the tea party and [TS]

  you're mad at the government like what [TS]

  is the fucking government yelling it [TS]

  rain [TS]

  Yeah right there is no the government [TS]

  there's nobody in charge [TS]

  everybody's doing their everybody's just [TS]

  doing their little corner of those of [TS]

  their work and the guy the guy that's up [TS]

  the chain far enough to make a decision [TS]

  he doesn't care he doesn't care whether [TS]

  I get it or not and I can't be mad at [TS]

  him for it [TS]

  he's got bigger fish to fry he's trying [TS]

  to keep the power on in the building so [TS]

  all of it was all of it was back to [TS]

  entitlement now if I was if i had come [TS]

  to that door with the like remembering [TS]

  that I am just invited everywhere i'm [TS]

  lucky to be anywhere we're all just [TS]

  lucky to be anywhere and this guy's like [TS]

  you don't have the red stamp what I [TS]

  should have said was already get the red [TS]

  stamp and he'd say oh you get you had to [TS]

  get it on the you have to get it on the [TS]

  moon [TS]

  it's like oh well can you get on your [TS]

  walkie-talkie and ask like when the next [TS]

  ship to the moon is and he probably [TS]

  would have got on his walkie-talkie in [TS]

  said something and somebody would have [TS]

  been there with a red stampin in a [TS]

  minute and a half but but that's not the [TS]

  direction I went because that would that [TS]

  would have been inconceivable to me in [TS]

  fact it only occurs to me now that [TS]

  that's what I should have done [TS]

  oh yeah oh we need red stamp oh how do I [TS]

  do that how do i fill this out how do i [TS]

  do the dance right uh but but my sense [TS]

  of entitlement is so strong and at the [TS]

  end at this point in my life belonging [TS]

  to that group matters so much to me [TS]

  because i'm not making new music and I'm [TS]

  insecure about myself so all of a sudden [TS]

  you know as Bob Mould walks down the [TS]

  hall and and looks back over his [TS]

  shoulder and goes who's that guy can and [TS]

  the door shuts and I'm arguing I'm [TS]

  arguing with the chest piece over [TS]

  whether or not i have a script for an [TS]

  infection in wreck when you put it in [TS]

  those terms it is pretty brutal you know [TS]

  what I mean like and she's like he's a [TS]

  little clay figurine that somebody made [TS]

  to put into the grave with the with that [TS]

  the Chinese horse general that he did [TS]

  his job but he did his job and when he [TS]

  went home and the problem is i made him [TS]

  feel like shit I don't berlin i don't [TS]

  know if you can convey to our audience [TS]

  what it is like to be in a small room [TS]

  with me when I am what I am [TS]

  like it's so fun to be in any room with [TS]

  you like really honestly almost all the [TS]

  time except sometimes yeah i mean things [TS]

  happen and and then it's not Christmas [TS]

  anymore [TS]

  no the vibration comes off of me and it [TS]

  is it you feel it in your just another [TS]

  cold cold day in this second and say she [TS]

  died it's you know he went home here you [TS]

  get very young to use an overused word [TS]

  you get intense i get intense [TS]

  yes I mean it isn't fair to say yeah and [TS]

  so this guy at the end of watch was not [TS]

  mean he goes home he opens a keystone [TS]

  light he turns on Madagascar 2 [TS]

  because it's his favorite movie he loves [TS]

  alex any sitting watching the mid-water [TS]

  watching madagascar but still in some [TS]

  part of himself is still sad or mad or [TS]

  or like it didn't go well he was doing [TS]

  his job and he feels like satisfied but [TS]

  he also is like I did I diminished him [TS]

  and that and why is that it was not for [TS]

  my I didn't do it i don't i don't feel [TS]

  better for having done it I did it [TS]

  because I was in this ego posture of of [TS]

  of of like what what what you know you [TS]

  know what I mean and it's just like I I [TS]

  totally did and III mean three seconds [TS]

  away from saying do you know who i am [TS]

  i'm saying is that is google me it's in [TS]

  the state and its it's one of my deep [TS]

  deep shame spots is when i do that and I [TS]

  don't know quite what it is I'm what [TS]

  again i want to say the part of it is [TS]

  getting older it's becoming more [TS]

  difficult for me to write off the things [TS]

  like what you're describing as somebody [TS]

  else's fault or it's getting harder for [TS]

  me to find a good reason for why behave [TS]

  badly when there's this feeling inside [TS]

  of me there's telling me intensely over [TS]

  and over again perhaps over a period of [TS]

  days you know you really fucked that up [TS]

  yeah and it's it's it's it's becoming [TS]

  harder for me to just let that off and [TS]

  BB a funny guy about it and I realize [TS]

  how harmful that can be and and and then [TS]

  I to be honest I realize how much I [TS]

  don't know if this is useful at all but [TS]

  I realize how toxic to my system it is [TS]

  to put the amount of energy needed into [TS]

  thinking about that in a way where it's [TS]

  not my fault [TS]

  it takes a tremendous amount of effort [TS]

  and energy to hold that misconception in [TS]

  a way that i can live with [TS]

  uh-huh because I know I mean I'm not [TS]

  that stupid i can look at the facts i [TS]

  can do the playback i can remember [TS]

  specific things i said i can remember [TS]

  like looking like some kind of [TS]

  supporting cast member in like a mafia [TS]

  movie even thinking that look cool and [TS]

  going that is that who you want to be [TS]

  like is that there's like five things [TS]

  about what I did there [TS]

  and this is not your parlance but mine [TS]

  it starts in that situation you describe [TS]

  the fire with if that were me in your [TS]

  position and very much could be it would [TS]

  be because my emotions went somewhere I [TS]

  didn't realize it [TS]

  I didn't catch it and the more my [TS]

  emotions got velcro into that situation [TS]

  the less chance I had of coming out of [TS]

  it looking like anything but like a [TS]

  complete dick because i was being a [TS]

  complete dick and to me that emotion [TS]

  thing is huge because like you just [TS]

  described now with now with however me [TS]

  for three four five seven days away from [TS]

  that you go oh we know what if I'd ask [TS]

  that guy you know the thing is it [TS]

  something oldest car in the world is [TS]

  that something is a favor if you that [TS]

  guy is in a position to get Milwaukee [TS]

  and and talk to moonbase alpha and find [TS]

  out if there's some way for you to get [TS]

  the stamp [TS]

  that's right and then you know he could [TS]

  he's probably empowered to do you a [TS]

  quiet favor that doesn't break the rule [TS]

  but he's he's absolutely not empowered [TS]

  because you know how it is like he just [TS]

  you just escalated with him [TS]

  the one thing that he is uniquely [TS]

  trained to deal with having been [TS]

  escalated [TS]

  yeah I turned to my car hit the [TS]

  precipitate turned to a crystal as soon [TS]

  as I applied sheet it's like it is it's [TS]

  a little bit like a cop or if you just [TS]

  seemed like a normal citizen you know if [TS]

  you seem like you've got a little bit of [TS]

  a buzz you might be able to work your [TS]

  way out of it but if you start not you [TS]

  but and probably hit some point but if [TS]

  you start screaming about how you know [TS]

  the district attorney you know you know [TS]

  you know Harvey Dent and you start [TS]

  yelling like that that is when the cop [TS]

  is going to flip in like the advisor is [TS]

  going to come down on the armor and [TS]

  that's it it now that we're in a [TS]

  different place though the funny thing [TS]

  is that i think it is rooted like the [TS]

  insecurity in me is rooted in a feeling [TS]

  that I that that there is this that [TS]

  there's little sline this this place [TS]

  always ahead of me always out of my [TS]

  reach [TS]

  where once i have accomplished enough [TS]

  once i am well known enough or acclaimed [TS]

  enough that i will be on the other side [TS]

  of this line [TS]

  and there will either be a helper there [TS]

  or things will be taken care of in [TS]

  advance or I will be recognized [TS]

  I will arrive and i will not have this [TS]

  problem but there are 32 to two things [TS]

  that I know about that one is well in [TS]

  this particular instance i'm standing [TS]

  out in front of this door arguing with [TS]

  this guy about my pass and standing four [TS]

  feet away are three former saturday [TS]

  night live cast members and two members [TS]

  of The Upright Citizens Brigade original [TS]

  cast all of whom also do not have the [TS]

  right pass and none of whom are and [TS]

  they're just standing there waiting for [TS]

  the next thing to happen like they also [TS]

  want to be through the door but they [TS]

  know their passes are wrong so they are [TS]

  and they're it's not like they're [TS]

  calling anybody there just waiting for [TS]

  somebody to go there waiting for the [TS]

  next thing to happen and they're they're [TS]

  talking to each other and their kind of [TS]

  watching me and in this moment i'm [TS]

  looking at them and say well yeah okay [TS]

  those people are like TV famous but this [TS]

  is my town and this is my god damn [TS]

  backstage door you know like i did not [TS]

  even recognize I I the fact that there [TS]

  were people from Saturday Night Live [TS]

  standing there also who could not get in [TS]

  the door meant nothing to me [TS]

  um and the reality is alec baldwin does [TS]

  this shit all the time [TS]

  Alec Baldwin who by all metrics has [TS]

  arrived is recognizable does have the [TS]

  money like it [TS]

  famous people all the time behave this [TS]

  way Mel Gibson and even celery entitled [TS]

  kind of don't you know who i am it's [TS]

  tough and Trump right when somebody asks [TS]

  them to put their ipad away on a phone [TS]

  or one some you know like when somebody [TS]

  says sir I think you've had an [TS]

  of red wine on this flight and they [TS]

  start throwing yogurt around the plane [TS]

  or the think there's some some friction [TS]

  introduced that they think that they [TS]

  feel is the not applicable to them it's [TS]

  like right at all more like friction for [TS]

  the rabble and I think what it would [TS]

  what that is evidence of is that [TS]

  somewhere inside Alec Baldwin there is [TS]

  this insecurity this feeling that he [TS]

  doesn't belong and that it is that it [TS]

  comes out in these miss this exact same [TS]

  expression which is just like what how [TS]

  dare you [TS]

  well it's i mean i-i I try to keep the [TS]

  show sophisticated but it's a it's you [TS]

  can't sit our lunch table that's what it [TS]

  is is that sets that feeling I mean I [TS]

  tell me I'm wrong but like that's [TS]

  exactly to me that's what the feeling is [TS]

  if i were to sit down and go through [TS]

  some Freudian analysis that's what it [TS]

  would end up at it would anything about [TS]

  some feeling of either like the sense of [TS]

  abandonment or when your little or a [TS]

  sense that that you know you thought [TS]

  that you thought that you were in but [TS]

  you weren't really in and then the pig's [TS]

  blood gets dumped on your head and and [TS]

  and so it with the clarity of a of not [TS]

  being on a not being on a a pasta roller [TS]

  coaster and I'm starting to kiss i'm [TS]

  starting to examine myself where I it in [TS]

  the sense that I the fog of war is [TS]

  starting to lift a little bit and I am I [TS]

  still feel just as a sailed i still feel [TS]

  that I still feel like westmoreland but [TS]

  I'm starting to also see that I am I am [TS]

  I mean I've always known that I was [TS]

  ridiculous but i'm starting to see how [TS]

  simple the ridiculousness is and that [TS]

  and that ultimately it's like am out an [TS]

  awful what an awful feeling but I mean [TS]

  it's a focal length problem where you're [TS]

  like oh my god that is the most [TS]

  incredible diorama train set I've ever [TS]

  seen and then it's like oh no it's a bet [TS]

  i'm sorry that's a nap [TS]

  billions is a picture out my hotel [TS]

  window of a street you're like oh fuck [TS]

  it's just but but actually like that [TS]

  since anybody's village [TS]

  yeah check that mean that's a relief in [TS]

  some ways because because reality is [TS]

  restored a little bit like a second ago [TS]

  you were amazed but you were amazed and [TS]

  and also it was a little scary that that [TS]

  someone would have that there are people [TS]

  out there so crazy and talented to have [TS]

  made a diorama of your city that looks [TS]

  so good and then you're like oh it's [TS]

  just a trick and I'm starting to [TS]

  starting to peel peel away some of the [TS]

  mind tricks I've been playing on myself [TS]

  and like but I but honestly I don't know [TS]

  what to do i am at war with so many of [TS]

  my friends and and honestly when I have [TS]

  to say when you and I started doing this [TS]

  podcast I was like oh my god I am so [TS]

  looking forward to this but it's [TS]

  probably gonna last a month because [TS]

  Merlin and i are going to get into a [TS]

  fight [TS]

  oh and then what will you know it wasn't [TS]

  it's not the craziest i-35 ever know but [TS]

  like that but you and I are both [TS]

  mercurial this was it this was an inner [TS]

  material here mercurial [TS]

  well this is the thing where we were [TS]

  going to surrounding town what the fuck [TS]

  you talking about [TS]

  I know and one of the you know and i [TS]

  think it's to our credit that we you [TS]

  know we have never let money intrude on [TS]

  the castle of st. John if we if we [TS]

  didn't do this we were yelling at chess [TS]

  pieces all the it's actually true but [TS]

  like so many of my of my close friends [TS]

  right now I'm like uh I he's against me [TS]

  and say why is he against you [TS]

  well because you didn't answer my texts [TS]

  well what did your text say well it said [TS]

  fuck off [TS]

  why would he answer it oh well he shows [TS]

  he should know what that means he should [TS]

  know that fuck off means high utilize [TS]

  your left but nature is coming [TS]

  no crazy crazy crazy crazy [TS]

  oh man this is so much as just get real [TS]

  man yeah so i think that you know i'm [TS]

  going to spend on the hob goodness it's [TS]

  basically the healing power of bacon [TS]

  I feel like I feel like a like I should [TS]

  go stand on the sidewalk in front of dan [TS]

  Benjamin's house in a white robe I think [TS]

  that would I think that would really [TS]

  freak him out [TS]

  chant his name i think it would be quick [TS]

  not doing they're saying dan and you [TS]

  said something in a video while you set [TS]

  it on stage while you're being videotape [TS]

  somebody asked you about a great line [TS]

  for picking up nerdy girls or something [TS]

  and he said something along the lines of [TS]

  I i haven't I i haven't i still havent [TS]

  assume my ultimate form right now is [TS]

  that from the Chicken McNugget video [TS]

  haha [TS]

  everybody got that no that's a that's a [TS]

  pokemon right [TS]

  have you seen that you can begin video [TS]

  no um can I spoil it for a little bit [TS]

  yeah like a security tape video is this [TS]

  got to be fake but i think my appeal a [TS]

  woman close to a woman goes to the [TS]

  drive-thru window at mcdonalds and it [TS]

  begins with her screaming at it at the [TS]

  person i think this is jermaine [TS]

  screaming at the person inside the [TS]

  sliding window about why the fuck they [TS]

  don't have chicken mcnuggets it he said [TS]

  they go ma'am is 1030am we don't have [TS]

  chicken mcnuggets right now and she she [TS]

  disagrees and says that they do have [TS]

  chicken mcnuggets she gets out she [TS]

  starts hitting the person she gets out [TS]

  of her car starts hitting the person [TS]

  screaming obscenities and saying all [TS]

  kinds of like crazy like lord of the [TS]

  rings shit are you know what she's [TS]

  talking about what she says don't make [TS]

  me assume my ultimate form [TS]

  uh-oh and then she breaks the window and [TS]

  you know hilarity ensues [TS]

  yeah yeah well that's it that's the same [TS]

  reference pokemon well or if not pokemon [TS]

  minutes like goku oh yeah that's where [TS]

  for lots of guys come on Lady a separate [TS]

  soccer now separate cause when you stick [TS]

  your sword in and twist it around like i [TS]

  said i don't think you have hentai haha [TS]

  weights i think that that's that when [TS]

  you type a schoolgirl no hentai is when [TS]

  a chicken chicken with the next next [TS]

  time [TS]

  [Music] [TS]