Roderick on the Line

Ep. 99: "White Ribbon"


  hello [TS]

  I John hi Merlin how's it going again [TS]

  where you who i just did the thing that [TS]

  I do which is no I have a thing to do [TS]

  who and I stayed in bed until absolutely [TS]

  the last minute and then I got on a bed [TS]

  and I can hang on sat down [TS]

  it's also good because people it makes [TS]

  it harder for people to track your [TS]

  movements that's true that's true unless [TS]

  you're tracking my movements by looking [TS]

  in my bedroom window even still if you [TS]

  i'm guessing you probably throw away the [TS]

  covers and just jolted out of bed [TS]

  that's right whoo that's right and I ran [TS]

  past the thermostat on my way and I went [TS]

  to you and I turned up the thermostat so [TS]

  that by the end of this podcast that [TS]

  would be warm in my house [TS]

  John your life hacker there's no [TS]

  question about it lifehacks you hack [TS]

  hack your sleep you've had your waking [TS]

  you've had your stats as we say what I [TS]

  haven't hacked is preserving batteries [TS]

  in little blues driver that's sitting on [TS]

  the floor then i just noticed has been [TS]

  plugged in all night i sent the heavy [TS]

  guy with the harmonicas batteries did a [TS]

  blues driver yeah it's uh yeah that's [TS]

  got a best friend Monica mr. girl [TS]

  no ma'am where I I went to I went to one [TS]

  of his concerts because i knew a guy who [TS]

  was his keyboard tech and after them [TS]

  after the show we went on to the blues [TS]

  driver tour bus and it was I think there [TS]

  were 22 buses maybe 14 mr. blues driver [TS]

  and one for the crew [TS]

  there's a there's a separate popper [TS]

  mobile there's a popper but i don't know [TS]

  i'm not sure i forget i forget i didn't [TS]

  actually meet him but I met his whole [TS]

  band and crew and on the bus they had [TS]

  more kinds of marijuana they had [TS]

  Tupperware containers with like 20 [TS]

  different kinds of pot Wow and they were [TS]

  headed to Canada the next day and the [TS]

  tour manager was saying you know it [TS]

  talking about the plan and very [TS]

  matter-of-factly was talking about the [TS]

  fact that they needed to stop & Belling [TS]

  him and rent a hotel room for all the [TS]

  pot and guns and they're just going [TS]

  they're going to leave the Pottinger [TS]

  hotel go to Canada and then come back [TS]

  the next day and get the pot of guns you [TS]

  really need a manager you can think that [TS]

  stuff through for you because you're [TS]

  smoking so much pot yeah you're gonna [TS]

  want to hit that border be like oh shit [TS]

  and pot and guns shotguns so and that [TS]

  was you know that was a long time ago [TS]

  that was 10 or 15 years guys I think I [TS]

  think in fairness the the Blues driver [TS]

  kai has lost a disturbing amount of [TS]

  weight [TS]

  well he got the stomach stapling I think [TS]

  it still counts [TS]

  does but I've been no I i think i think [TS]

  well does it [TS]

  your such as if it's a form of body [TS]

  hacking I guess it does but I I think he [TS]

  gained the weight back to then these [TS]

  about his up-and-down fluctuates a lot [TS]

  that sucks [TS]

  it does not hurt yeah you know it's a [TS]

  sometimes it just seems like you're [TS]

  destined to have a certain you know he [TS]

  got the beard Shape face i think some [TS]

  people are destined to have like a [TS]

  certain body shape you know yes I [TS]

  believe that that is that's medically [TS]

  documented but I've met people who are [TS]

  like big body people they work out [TS]

  constantly they lose like every ounce of [TS]

  body fat they've got on them and then [TS]

  they just they just look like a like a [TS]

  tan canoe like this looks wrong [TS]

  let's waste you know what I mean like [TS]

  with somebody they just don't look right [TS]

  this it doesn't you don't mean it looks [TS]

  like that's healthy in some ways right [TS]

  and i don't know i don't know one way or [TS]

  another but pear-shaped person should [TS]

  remain pear-shaped and not not tried to [TS]

  become a peanut-shaped person with the [TS]

  top hat and cane [TS]

  yes God has made us in all the many [TS]

  splendors ways and we should celebrate [TS]

  every every one of our differences I [TS]

  totally agree they are cause to [TS]

  celebrate Merlin not cause to not just [TS]

  one big drum circle [TS]

  yes yeah one planet do you think mr. [TS]

  peanut even explore any other lines of [TS]

  work before he came like became like a [TS]

  professional professional cannibal you [TS]

  know I have to think that mr. peanut was [TS]

  actually a Titan of industry [TS]

  otherwise how would he dress that way [TS]

  and be so cocky he seems pretty fancy [TS]

  now and then you know that actually mr. [TS]

  peanut probably rose up that probably [TS]

  came to prominence during the the era of [TS]

  the peanut haha there was a you know in [TS]

  American history and era where the [TS]

  peanut was really the ascendant legume [TS]

  still to the end of his days he spent [TS]

  every day wondering will George [TS]

  Washington Carver be around the next [TS]

  corner we make me into something a [TS]

  little too interesting [TS]

  yeah i mean Jimmy Carter was a peanut [TS]

  farmer very classy and a nuclear [TS]

  engineer alright of course on submarines [TS]

  that's right i think he was a submarine [TS]

  I think he was actually like an engineer [TS]

  wasn't on submarines and a peanut farmer [TS]

  em you know a man of many talents and [TS]

  also of a man of it of a lost era o a [TS]

  gentleman a gentleman that's right [TS]

  cavalier you know I am I don't start [TS]

  whole thing first of all I have to say [TS]

  I'm i realized about 10 minutes ago that [TS]

  I my daughter has given me a slow-motion [TS]

  cold oh it's finally just officially [TS]

  became a cold like two minutes ago war [TS]

  boom warm mouth tastes funny i'm sorry i [TS]

  don't like that phrase family farm [TS]

  tickets i think it's a red herring [TS]

  mm that's what if your family is really [TS]

  really fucking rich [TS]

  oh I see what you mean you know what I [TS]

  mean yeah doesn't see when you say [TS]

  family farm you think of something from [TS]

  is the dustbowl photographer guy you [TS]

  know you think of like a family farm you [TS]

  think of like non pas cattle out there [TS]

  and they're in there 10 rib shack right [TS]

  you know the water with a bar Drake [TS]

  right wind blowing you have 40 acres and [TS]

  a mule [TS]

  yeah exactly are you hearing the term [TS]

  family farm used in a disingenuous way [TS]

  where corporate overlords are [TS]

  masquerading as family farmers I yeah [TS]

  yeah yeah well I mean you know I don't [TS]

  follow the stuff closely but I think [TS]

  it's one of those I thought terminating [TS]

  clich├ęs aswell says you know it's one [TS]

  of those when you say family farm but [TS]

  you cannot not to say anything because [TS]

  it sounds like you're going after the [TS]

  guy with the with the overalls right and [TS]

  you can you can be a you can own your [TS]

  family can own a lot of very very large [TS]

  stinky ballooning yucky farms listen [TS]

  this is the thing about a thing about [TS]

  sort of a central ohio western Ohio and [TS]

  it's also the thing about central [TS]

  Germany and Bavaria like they're in [TS]

  those places the farmers are the richest [TS]

  people in the community beyond the most [TS]

  land right well beyond the most land but [TS]

  also it's very fertile land and and over [TS]

  the course of of hundreds of years they [TS]

  they built up those properties so they [TS]

  have these beautiful barnes and you know [TS]

  like multiple big houses but but also [TS]

  like the crops that they're growing our [TS]

  are expensive and amid the farmers are [TS]

  the prosperous conservative burgers of [TS]

  the of the community and growing up I [TS]

  guess in the eighties I had this same [TS]

  idea that the that farmers were like [TS]

  hard-working hardscrabble people to be a [TS]

  not certainly didn't pity a farmer but [TS]

  you you know you felt a lot of common [TS]

  cause and American empathy with a farmer [TS]

  they were the salt of the earth etc [TS]

  and you go to these places where the [TS]

  where the farming is good and you [TS]

  realize like Oh farmers are farmers can [TS]

  be the real Cadillac drivin like kind of [TS]

  fat cats of a particular place and in in [TS]

  both of those communities that part of [TS]

  ohio in that part of Germany the ones [TS]

  that I that I know the farmers are the [TS]

  political obstacle to you know to change [TS]

  and the farmers are the social obstacle [TS]

  to change and they're they're [TS]

  conservative and and not at all like [TS]

  John Cougar second on a chili dog [TS]

  somewhere they are you know they're [TS]

  they're wearing three-piece suits white [TS]

  living three-piece suits even yeah well [TS]

  I want to stimulate out there's anything [TS]

  wrong with being successful and having [TS]

  lots of money [TS]

  oh my god no no no oh we should all be [TS]

  billionaires and just like mr. peanut [TS]

  there's nothing wrong with that it's [TS]

  it's something about that word family [TS]

  where it's becoming the last maybe 20 or [TS]

  so years 25 years also since definitely [TS]

  since sometime post Moral Majority maybe [TS]

  but definitely work it's because I think [TS]

  something may be about the george HW [TS]

  bush era it may be in my head that's for [TS]

  family started become this heavily [TS]

  charged word you know about family [TS]

  values whether something is family [TS]

  friendly family and businesses likes a [TS]

  walmart family family farms like the [TS]

  ones that own giant you know parcels of [TS]

  our great United States it's nothing [TS]

  nothing against that it's just that it's [TS]

  a family is one of those cop out words [TS]

  were like once you say it it ends the [TS]

  conversation because now you're talking [TS]

  about the family dude [TS]

  well and it's it's the I think it's the [TS]

  the corollary to the way that urban [TS]

  became synonymous with black it becomes [TS]

  euphemistic family is a euphemism for [TS]

  white Christian [TS]

  nuclear family for what sergeant Edward [TS]

  it's a code word right yeah that's a [TS]

  good point because this is the whole [TS]

  this is the whole argument now like a [TS]

  gays are trying to extend the franchise [TS]

  of family and so I mean everybody on the [TS]

  left is trying to say we are also a [TS]

  family we have a polyamorous family we [TS]

  are a family of Zoroastrianism we all we [TS]

  all want to be included in this kind of [TS]

  family definition and all the rights [TS]

  that go with that and all the pushback [TS]

  from that makes you recognize that [TS]

  Oh what family the reason we see family [TS]

  all the time is it is a code for it's [TS]

  one of those codes you know what people [TS]

  who are part of the evangelical world [TS]

  they talk about like code words that [TS]

  other evangelicals recognize but the [TS]

  rest of us maybe won't who and family is [TS]

  it's not one of those but it's like a [TS]

  it's at a higher level a kind of [TS]

  political code word for like white [TS]

  people [TS]

  yeah and and it has the to me in the way [TS]

  it's been used over the last 25 years it [TS]

  also has the implication of important [TS]

  distinctions that we don't even need to [TS]

  talk about anymore even like black [TS]

  people have broken homes [TS]

  mhm we we stay we stay married [TS]

  mexican be have like four or five [TS]

  families living in one house right and [TS]

  god-knows-what what they're getting up [TS]

  to their ya sa family is like yeah right [TS]

  mom it's like mom dad grandma grandpa [TS]

  and then other grandma and grandpa who [TS]

  who live in florida right i had that my [TS]

  god cracker wait a minute you know I as [TS]

  well as the whole time I never knew [TS]

  either of my grandfather's and I only [TS]

  met one of my grandmother's but she died [TS]

  before I was too so I had no [TS]

  grandparents is that your your mom's [TS]

  mother of my mom's mom died in the [TS]

  thirties ok [TS]

  not in her thirties in the nineteen [TS]

  thirties and my dad's dad died in the [TS]

  fifties and my dad my mom's dad I guess [TS]

  I did meet when I was an infant but he [TS]

  died in the eighties and then my dad's [TS]

  mom died in like 1971's did 70 maybe so [TS]

  yeah didn't know any of them and I'm not [TS]

  the worst stores right now you're doing [TS]

  great [TS]

  yeah sure people love me I i have [TS]

  friends he passed on this doubt family [TS]

  values to to your family yeah my family [TS]

  values which are thank you for visiting [TS]

  don't let the doorknob hit you on the [TS]

  way out to done here but you know people [TS]

  to get along that's for sure [TS]

  people did not used to live as long yeah [TS]

  i think we used to ride a lot harder [TS]

  i'll say that you look at pictures of [TS]

  you know celebrities movie stars [TS]

  whatever and you know it's amazing how [TS]

  people in the early thirties looked the [TS]

  part was the way they dress and carry [TS]

  themselves but Emma I've said this [TS]

  before my mom's yearbook my mom [TS]

  graduated from high school and 1954 and [TS]

  a fairly diverse urban high school but [TS]

  at I mean everybody in there looks 50 [TS]

  yeah right well they're all trying to [TS]

  look 50 you as my mom used to say [TS]

  because she graduated in my mom's 20 in [TS]

  1954 and 1954 arguably is the birth of [TS]

  rock and roll right 5455 ya little early [TS]

  but that's the I think that's the proto [TS]

  definitely pro rock'n'roll yeah let's [TS]

  say 56 is the birth of rock and roll [TS]

  so my mom's 2290 at the birth of rock [TS]

  and roll now right now if you were 22 [TS]

  years old at the birth of a new kind of [TS]

  music former new art form you would be a [TS]

  soldier of that form right i mean the [TS]

  the kids that were 22 when indie rock [TS]

  was ascendant are like my lifelong fans [TS]

  and yet at 22 years old when a [TS]

  rock-and-roll came in my mom was [TS]

  contemptuous of it was music for [TS]

  children and she was already listening [TS]

  to jazz music and being sophisticated [TS]

  and drinking a little you know drinks [TS]

  out of cocktail glasses and like you [TS]

  know what would you give up any of that [TS]

  hard-earned adulthood to each finally [TS]

  right achieved [TS]

  yeah you had arrived at your majority [TS]

  and you weren't going to go back to [TS]

  hanging out with bobby soxer right [TS]

  that's so different from now we're [TS]

  living [TS]

  I mean honestly I feel like you and I [TS]

  are both living a kind of prolonged [TS]

  childhood and everybody i know is yeah [TS]

  there's nothing on the radio this [TS]

  morning about i always forget every if [TS]

  every March noise pop comes around you [TS]

  and I mean there are few years not that [TS]

  long ago where I mean couple years we've [TS]

  bought season that season passes but you [TS]

  know all I'll show passes and stuff like [TS]

  that and you know that we're in our [TS]

  forties doing that you know and kind of [TS]

  hard to imagine your mom doing that in [TS]

  like night like going to like an all-day [TS]

  meet rock music festival in 1974 [TS]

  yeah although now she loves you know [TS]

  she's come full circle of course loves [TS]

  rock news she doesn't want to be in the [TS]

  business but that set but that sense of [TS]

  like you look at the old you look at the [TS]

  old high-school yearbook photos and you [TS]

  feel like half those people are 40 [TS]

  already part of that is yeah right that [TS]

  they only live to be 50 yeah and so they [TS]

  they were in middle age at 25 but I you [TS]

  know and some of that maybe is that [TS]

  we're not so gaunt anymore because we [TS]

  have that layer of sugar fat that makes [TS]

  us all look young and beautiful [TS]

  well thank God for those energy drinks [TS]

  but i can finally getting some things [TS]

  accomplished everyone has the energy a [TS]

  rockstar need i say more but I I keep [TS]

  like looking at Jennifer Aniston she is [TS]

  my lodestone is that was that right she [TS]

  is my want to check your spelling on [TS]

  this is nice [TS]

  she's my star [TS]

  castor she is my what is it lonestar no [TS]

  I I don't know what I'm trying to say [TS]

  but Jennifer Aniston is about my age and [TS]

  she was somebody that I I always [TS]

  understood it was she certainly was [TS]

  considered a sex symbol in a very [TS]

  attractive girl in the in the culture [TS]

  when I was in my young twenties who and [TS]

  I came out of nowhere she came out of [TS]

  nowhere she didn't like three different [TS]

  pilots for shows before friends but none [TS]

  of us had ever seen no no and she was a [TS]

  little bit you know she had a little bit [TS]

  chubby cheek chubby face like a chipmunk [TS]

  cheeks and she had that iconic hair she [TS]

  looks a little bit like jennifer grey [TS]

  she looked a little bit like Jennifer [TS]

  great thank you for connecting the dots [TS]

  who it's not i had that digs I had that [TS]

  a that feeling where I was like I should [TS]

  be more attracted to her than I am [TS]

  you know that feeling when you're like [TS]

  everything lines up with this girl [TS]

  yeah this should be should be my type [TS]

  yeah I like her face I like her I like [TS]

  her Moxie I like her [TS]

  I even liked her silly hair like this [TS]

  girl should be a should really get me [TS]

  should really get me going for some [TS]

  reason she doesn't she doesn't she [TS]

  doesn't completely and i remember [TS]

  watching friday i'll be over at [TS]

  somebody's house than friends would be [TS]

  on that's a code for I didn't watch [TS]

  friends because I didn't have a TV [TS]

  because I don't read comic books at but [TS]

  i would be over at somebody's house and [TS]

  friends would come on and I would watch [TS]

  friends and i would i would be like [TS]

  really zoomed in on Jennifer Aniston [TS]

  because I wanted to I wanted to [TS]

  understand this I wanted to find some [TS]

  reason some clear moment where I was [TS]

  like either yes i am now I'm totally [TS]

  into her or you know what no she doesn't [TS]

  do it for me and I could never find the [TS]

  breaking point and part of it was that [TS]

  because the fashion of the nineties they [TS]

  always dressed her in clothes that were [TS]

  just baggy enough they could quite [TS]

  get a picture of the silhouette you know [TS]

  like what's under there I know she's a [TS]

  young gal she's cute gal what's under [TS]

  all that all those baggy sweatshirts got [TS]

  some length of bone musical and I could [TS]

  never quite I couldn't get a picture [TS]

  under the under the silhouette you know [TS]

  like Courtney Cox you look at in here [TS]

  like she's a skinny girl she's a skinny [TS]

  girl with big boobs and I it and I the [TS]

  past experiences has taught me that he [TS]

  got to be careful with the skinny girl [TS]

  with big boobs you just can't trust them [TS]

  but Jennifer and the jet maybe she's a [TS]

  maybe she's a little shits [TS]

  intellectually vexing to you maybe she's [TS]

  a little bit thicker you know what I [TS]

  mean maybe she's a maybe she's a small [TS]

  busted girl that's a little bit thicker [TS]

  like that that's a girl you can trust [TS]

  called a pear-shaped and he said she's a [TS]

  petite she might she might be out [TS]

  somewhere in that you know she might be [TS]

  a size two mining interests he says the [TS]

  shutter Frances clothes for vexing you [TS]

  faxing and so as time has gone on and [TS]

  jennifer aniston has evolved but dare I [TS]

  say it alongside me really simultaneous [TS]

  to who Jennifer Aniston's been growing [TS]

  up I've been growing upward we've been [TS]

  growing up together and I'm always [TS]

  looking out of my side mirror at [TS]

  Jennifer Aniston saying is she to issue [TS]

  does he do [TS]

  do it for me yet like it's still the [TS]

  ball still up in the air now she's 35 [TS]

  i'm 35 are you and you know and over [TS]

  time you know you see enough a celebrity [TS]

  beach photos over in a bathing suit that [TS]

  you no longer have to guess and now [TS]

  Jennifer Aniston is 45 years old she's [TS]

  still a very attractive woman and i [TS]

  still cannot decide oh my gosh weather [TS]

  weather and and it may very well be one [TS]

  of those things were interviewed and if [TS]

  you're in the room with somebody and you [TS]

  realize they just don't photograph to [TS]

  your liking or just might be that we [TS]

  just having a chemical thing that [TS]

  that prevents us from ever being [TS]

  together oh but you still can't tell i [TS]

  don't know for sister kylie still gotta [TS]

  sneak a peek in the mirror i was asked [TS]

  at one point to audition for a film that [TS]

  she was making in Vancouver where it was [TS]

  like some indie rock movie or there were [TS]

  any rock bands as part of the plot and [TS]

  maybe her romantic lead was an indie [TS]

  rock musician and I take a little bit of [TS]

  a stretch you know right [TS]

  who's gonna fall in love with one of [TS]

  those but I I seriously considered [TS]

  auditioning for the film but at that [TS]

  point in time i was missing one of my [TS]

  teeth and I felt like I just don't see [TS]

  myself getting cast not only as the lead [TS]

  but it is that is self-awareness John [TS]

  you realize sure you could have a career [TS]

  as a character actor but maybe it's not [TS]

  quite time for you to be okay [TS]

  yeah well and also one at when I when I [TS]

  went through that process I started [TS]

  thinking about other films and you [TS]

  really don't see a lot of guys missing a [TS]

  tooth in any rolled even as like [TS]

  henchmen and four NN of the henchman is [TS]

  missing a tooth [TS]

  it's usually a side tooth that's a side [TS]

  to so when he smiles he kind of pulls [TS]

  one side of his mouth back in you're [TS]

  like oh he's even missing one of his [TS]

  teeth [TS]

  I think you only see that with makeup in [TS]

  hija [TS]

  oh yeah maybe I think he ha had a high [TS]

  tolerance for two spaces two spaces but [TS]

  I was missing one of my front teeth is [TS]

  very prominent and I was missing it for [TS]

  a couple of years and i think at the [TS]

  time I just didn't I [TS]

  maybe I didn't register you know how [TS]

  profoundly that was sending a message to [TS]

  casting agents who that I wasn't quite [TS]

  ready [TS]

  maybe you know just the right role never [TS]

  never came along em right well yeah [TS]

  that's the point where it started to [TS]

  become clear that that was just a thing [TS]

  that you're going to do for a while it's [TS]

  not have a tooth [TS]

  yeah well i think i think it was that I [TS]

  objected to you know the the the Cabal [TS]

  of dentists God and the way that they [TS]

  run our run our culture just Hollywood [TS]

  in the bank's they just assumed the [TS]

  dentin excuse me [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  the dentists just assume that I was [TS]

  gonna wear some kind of flipper to that [TS]

  would get that was basically like a [TS]

  peanut butter trap like it was a it was [TS]

  a whole mental apparatus that was going [TS]

  to just sit there and collect peanut [TS]

  butter all day and I was like I'm not [TS]

  gonna wear that that's a torture device [TS]

  they're like well your other options [TS]

  walk around without a tooth so yeah you [TS]

  are going to wear it was like so fast oh [TS]

  really well watch me now they are so [TS]

  smug John they've got it all figured out [TS]

  yep they got they got a solution and [TS]

  here's what it costs you know that I'm [TS]

  so mad at god damn dentists are so [TS]

  frustrating to me they're really [TS]

  frustrating to me i don't know why i [TS]

  can't just go in there and get my teeth [TS]

  cleaned without a lecture [TS]

  well you know I think what it is is they [TS]

  have done miraculous work when you think [TS]

  about people when you think about people [TS]

  in the past people that we were just [TS]

  talking about who looked prematurely old [TS]

  a lot of them were suffering tooth pain [TS]

  and a lot of them died early because [TS]

  they had tooth infections [TS]

  yeah and now three basically the reason [TS]

  we all live to be a hundred years old is [TS]

  that we have dentists they are our life [TS]

  givers we just want a little malcolm [TS]

  gladwell me there yet up as a knock-on [TS]

  effect of the dentistry profession being [TS]

  widespread heavily insured or is it just [TS]

  because they're there [TS]

  well know that they haven't they have [TS]

  improved their technology so that we [TS]

  know lot so that we are not walking [TS]

  around anymore all of us with a [TS]

  low-grade infection in our mouths or a [TS]

  big white band [TS]

  which tied around her head yeah right [TS]

  Morgan who we no longer have to sit [TS]

  bracing ourselves on the public stocks [TS]

  in the center in the town square while [TS]

  someone attaches oh god a tooth 2002 a [TS]

  team of horses but so so yeah we do owe [TS]

  them our lives but it has spread in them [TS]

  of smugness that that they are [TS]

  indispensable and I suppose they are but [TS]

  now I see immediate that take above [TS]

  optometrist nothing against optometrist [TS]

  I got a terrible lecture the last time i [TS]

  went in from a young dental hygienist [TS]

  where I I honestly I i got snippy with [TS]

  her i said i know how to brush my teeth [TS]

  you don't have to show me what she was [TS]

  gearing up she was getting her to get [TS]

  underlying demoed getting her little [TS]

  carpenter a demo toothbrush and a fan of [TS]

  fake mouth of teeth and she was like let [TS]

  me show you how to brush brush your [TS]

  teeth and I was like are you fucking [TS]

  kidding me [TS]

  I'm 45 years old I know how to brush my [TS]

  teeth get out of here and you know and [TS]

  she was like oh well you know she [TS]

  reacted a little bit like a stewardess [TS]

  oh I'm sorry sir well I'm just trying to [TS]

  do my job [TS]

  take your fucking life uh-huh ask you I [TS]

  could ask you one thing it's not too [TS]

  personal [TS]

  not at all um how is or was the juice [TS]

  fast [TS]

  well did you you're on day three of that [TS]

  last time we visited yeah yeah I uh I [TS]

  well let's say ninety percent completed [TS]

  the juice fast 93% because in the an [TS]

  afternoon of the third day of the juice [TS]

  fast i realized that a juice fast is a [TS]

  terrible thing [TS]

  it's a it's terrible idea and it does [TS]

  not it does not suit me at all like I've [TS]

  spent the last six months weaning myself [TS]

  off of sugar and then i gave I went on [TS]

  some crackpot scheme where for three [TS]

  days I just drank sugar water like [TS]

  concentrated sugar water [TS]

  because that's what you said is even [TS]

  kale juice is just the sugar out of kale [TS]

  this and and so by the by the end of the [TS]

  third day I mean I was on this i was in [TS]

  this terrible cycle of like I would [TS]

  drink a glass of juice i would feel [TS]

  great for 20 minutes and then I would [TS]

  almost completely shut down I was like [TS]

  the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz like [TS]

  my limbs would go limp my head would [TS]

  would drop to my chest and I would like [TS]

  service drag myself over to the couch [TS]

  where I would lay in a kind of half [TS]

  comatose state until it was time to get [TS]

  up and make another juice and then I [TS]

  would feel for it for 30 minutes and [TS]

  then it was just like the the sugar went [TS]

  right through me and it just felt like [TS]

  poison [TS]

  who and so by the end of that third day [TS]

  I was like what am i doing to myself [TS]

  like I'm only I'm only I'm only trying [TS]

  to see this through to notch three day [TS]

  juice fast off of my belt somehow like [TS]

  the world status bucket list uniform he [TS]

  got that teenagers fast [TS]

  yep Judy Garland the gravesite check i [TS]

  think the artist's way morning pages and [TS]

  and so I was just like I i protest this [TS]

  juice fast now like I was really into a [TS]

  day one I was I was pretty solid in it [TS]

  all three day to even day three I was [TS]

  like yes I am [TS]

  this is just gonna this is the thing and [TS]

  it was not hunger it wasn't it wasn't a [TS]

  question of will power it was a [TS]

  recognition that I was that by day three [TS]

  I was just poisoning myself every time I [TS]

  drank a glass of juice [TS]

  who and so I just said this is terrible [TS]

  and and and and what had some food and [TS]

  felt immediately better i have i have ID [TS]

  on the in the plus column [TS]

  I did quit drinking caffeine and now I'm [TS]

  completely off caffeine and it took me [TS]

  really like it took [TS]

  five days for the pain to go out of my [TS]

  joints so as i get older it is just it [TS]

  you know like I'm not a complete case [TS]

  study but anecdotally it is taking [TS]

  longer to wean myself off of caffeine [TS]

  when I quit now it ride it hard [TS]

  yeah it used to be three days in and out [TS]

  but you missed it so you honestly I mean [TS]

  not exaggerating you have been drinking [TS]

  a fair amount of coffee each day like [TS]

  more than a couple cups [TS]

  yeah I mean you know the finger that not [TS]

  drinking alcohol and then eliminating [TS]

  juice and soda pop from my diet the [TS]

  number of interesting drinks i can have [TS]

  yeah is really low and and I can drink [TS]

  fizzy water with lime in it all [TS]

  afternoon but come on I would become a [TS]

  tea person [TS]

  well I don't and also in my nature I am [TS]

  a substance abuser like I want to abuse [TS]

  substances it isn't a thing like I don't [TS]

  have a spiritual beef with it who I want [TS]

  to do it and if you give me a substance [TS]

  to abuse I will and I in college I was [TS]

  it was mountain dew I would drink 64 [TS]

  ounces of mountain dew every afternoon [TS]

  Wow and I felt amazing mountain dew is [TS]

  delicious but a scarecrow for you you [TS]

  can't be [TS]

  that's right how's the Cowardly hypno [TS]

  attention to the quick running around [TS]

  the living written but but uh but you [TS]

  can't be a forty-five-year-old and drink [TS]

  64 ounces amount to a day and so what I [TS]

  did have was coffee my good old friend [TS]

  coffee rely old reliable and so it it [TS]

  wasn't just that I drank like three [TS]

  large cups of coffee in the morning it [TS]

  was that I then I went out to lunch and [TS]

  I had a couple of cups of coffee with [TS]

  the with whoever I was having lunch with [TS]

  and then at dinner I would get a cup a [TS]

  cup of coffee and so throughout the day [TS]

  every day 6 cups of coffee [TS]

  sometimes more and it was just my my my [TS]

  only friend my reliable little because I [TS]

  quit smoking cigarettes too so it huh [TS]

  I don't have that Lake little friend and [TS]

  you know as a as a substance explorer to [TS]

  have a little friends to have a little [TS]

  crunch somebody that's always there for [TS]

  you when you start to when your mind [TS]

  starts to get away when you use your [TS]

  fingers start to move fidget fidget [TS]

  fidget where's my little friend I need a [TS]

  little bit and I was realizing this the [TS]

  other day I was talking to Crystal lieu [TS]

  of the presidents of the USA and he he [TS]

  was not a not chastising me but he was [TS]

  admonishing us that we that we that we [TS]

  hardly ever really talk about the the [TS]

  spiritual realm talking about the [TS]

  program [TS]

  well no not not not at all that chris is [TS]

  that you and he never talked about it [TS]

  don't know that you and I know okay and [TS]

  religious listener of the program and [TS]

  that we never talk we are not you and I [TS]

  are not Buddhists per se like we don't [TS]

  and I and I and I reflected on what he [TS]

  said and thought about like i am not [TS]

  generally trying to transcend my ego [TS]

  that is not well that's that's not [TS]

  really on the first page that is not [TS]

  what you think that's a little bit of a [TS]

  boost in a barrel but that's not like [TS]

  that's not the lead [TS]

  I know but you know i was introduced to [TS]

  these concepts many years ago and I [TS]

  always imagined of myself that I would [TS]

  be pursuing a spiritual life you know [TS]

  i'm not against rock music I'm I've got [TS]

  a great deal of the rock music wanted [TS]

  first manifested itself from are you [TS]

  doing [TS]

  Mark Twain after John Robert one minute [TS]

  downright planning to you I'm I'm not [TS]

  unfamiliar with with Buddhism it's a [TS]

  it's a [TS]

  tenants that with which I'm [TS]

  well-informed Merlin Mann as out [TS]

  Holbrook man is Albert colebrook is John [TS]

  Roderick in any case um uh but you know [TS]

  I thought I I always thought that i [TS]

  would i would add some point in my life [TS]

  pursue a spiritual path that what you [TS]

  know that was Siddhartha like where I [TS]

  would go sit in on a bridge and study [TS]

  the river and you know and just then it [TS]

  then it would be a better year would [TS]

  pass several quitter public aside to [TS]

  Chris blew up Chris there's a really [TS]

  really good reason we don't talk about [TS]

  this on the show up what you're hearing [TS]

  now is the part that you can hear about [TS]

  what what you don't hear is a couple [TS]

  episodes i will be happy to say haha but [TS]

  everybody said we'll sit on the marathon [TS]

  he can you learn how you feel about [TS]

  religion [TS]

  no no no let's let's leave that in the [TS]

  little bit of the salt mine in utah dt [TS]

  cartridges are the Roderick on the lines [TS]

  that have never aired are just waiting [TS]

  for the historian trying to lose their [TS]

  ego but I i think that our Dominican [TS]

  friends in the hills of San Francisco is [TS]

  up there probably in a in a cold cell a [TS]

  half the day trying to a lot of time on [TS]

  his iphone job it does yeah that I don't [TS]

  know what's going on with those [TS]

  dominicans these days they don't they [TS]

  don't think the bear flagellating [TS]

  themselves like they used to [TS]

  yeah I'm or if he's got some kind of [TS]

  icky flagellation app in a modulation [TS]

  purchases work for you [TS]

  he swings his iphone / shoulder and [TS]

  makes us sound about leveled up to their [TS]

  shirt silver hello boom we have fun and [TS]

  we need to we kid [TS]

  yeah it's in a spirit of Eagle asst yeah [TS]

  i wish that we could be less ego full [TS]

  I'mI'm [TS]

  I'm fine to talk about this thing's this [TS]

  yeah I decided you know I know I know [TS]

  your level 3 a Shaolin monk [TS]

  yeah I hi dexterity pretty good charisma [TS]

  quiet walking [TS]

  mhm i always like that thing where our [TS]

  monks could like fall down a wall was [TS]

  like four feet per level something like [TS]

  that remember them must have months had [TS]

  a power where they could get the [TS]

  quivering palm you remember that I [TS]

  remember I remember reading about it in [TS]

  the dungeon master can you do i I didn't [TS]

  actually play D&D i just read it [TS]

  yeah that's the tragedy of that i never [TS]

  played the game enough to get out of the [TS]

  just like let's go to war stage who and [TS]

  I think that real dnd players spend a [TS]

  lot of time like getting water from the [TS]

  well like I go to get water from the [TS]

  well somebody rolls of a seven sided [TS]

  dice [TS]

  Oh clothes on the basis of excited [TS]

  states within the well you see a leaf on [TS]

  the ground accompany innkeeper [TS]

  approaches you traveler [TS]

  no I'm the same way I mean for the fun [TS]

  part is I'm like that with with [TS]

  everything whether that's where that's [TS]

  movies well movies [TS]

  beware example but with the rock and [TS]

  roll with D&D with history and there's [TS]

  all kinds of stuff where I i did I [TS]

  haven't participated in it just wanted [TS]

  to write about it [TS]

  yeah yeah yeah now I bet out now I was [TS]

  definitely like that and i have [TS]

  discovered that I enters at least the [TS]

  D&D stuff and yeah Rocco stuck to their [TS]

  a lot of people who just read about dnd [TS]

  a lot [TS]

  oh yeah well I think this is the same [TS]

  thing with Buddhism we just want to get [TS]

  to the good part [TS]

  just get to the part where uh where are [TS]

  all your cares melt away [TS]

  oh boy what a Salesman Buddhism has in [TS]

  you you just climb up to the top of the [TS]

  ladder right and then yeah you got the [TS]

  Buddhism ladder yeah you get the top of [TS]

  the Buddhism rather than looking down on [TS]

  everybody and now he called a nine-run [TS]

  ladder you've got legal business [TS]

  oh my god down pit from the high ground [TS]

  you got acting all fancy talking about [TS]

  vegetarian food that's number four I [TS]

  watching the river and not watching the [TS]

  river [TS]

  first there is a mountain that there is [TS]

  no mountain who [TS]

  and then there's a mountain mm then [TS]

  paradoxes right seven is paradox is sick [TS]

  there is no number seven number eight [TS]

  you do not talk about Fight Club or nine [TS]

  location location location location [TS]

  location [TS]

  that's the tenants of Buddhism number 10 [TS]

  were you just not listening to number [TS]

  nine [TS]

  yeah i see i don't understand why you [TS]

  can't just eat all the vegetables and [TS]

  fruits we gonna do some what's the point [TS]

  of juicing that's the thing as you say [TS]

  what I think they're yeah you throw you [TS]

  got away from there pretty fast number [TS]

  11 as he does you as you said before you [TS]

  throw a master of spinach into the [TS]

  blender and eight and you get a symbol [TS]

  of spinach juice and you say wow all [TS]

  that spinach went into this thimble and [TS]

  it's not like that isn't the fucking [TS]

  spinach fiber where all the good stuff [TS]

  isn't believes you're forgetting that [TS]

  there's a huge hopper there's basically [TS]

  a dumpster behind this juicer where all [TS]

  the spinach and looks like it's a good [TS]

  Chinese food buffet gets left behind [TS]

  yeah right exactly it's the it's the [TS]

  like cooked cooked green matter it's [TS]

  like ground-up hope [TS]

  thank you for that [TS]

  yeah i've read comic books and you had a [TS]

  boy a but seriously it's just so the [TS]

  juice but parties but I mean setting [TS]

  aside that it maybe there's some lady [TS]

  boss thing about probation but it is [TS]

  supposed to get a cleanse the idea is [TS]

  that you're not adding to the junk [TS]

  you've got in your body and with certain [TS]

  kinds of lenses ad is really taking in [TS]

  new stuff that's helping you get rid of [TS]

  whatever it's called toxins rather [TS]

  adding new ones is kind of the notion [TS]

  right it gives your body a chance to [TS]

  stabilize and kinda like reset the [TS]

  faders that kind of idea i guess but i [TS]

  feel like i feel like there there there [TS]

  are two there are two cultures at war [TS]

  here and maybe maybe we're back to [TS]

  talking about the humors into that let's [TS]

  talk about the humors but there are [TS]

  people who are [TS]

  talking about your blood and the and the [TS]

  relative like a viscosity of the sugar [TS]

  in it and then there are these other [TS]

  people talking about your gut and like [TS]

  oh you need to get all of that hardened [TS]

  fecal matter out of your bowel so you [TS]

  need to take all this juice and then [TS]

  it's like well now I'm hypoglycemic but [TS]

  a but somehow I've cleaned out my colon [TS]

  like I know I know that there is a [TS]

  holistic way to approach living that [TS]

  involves the nine steps there's this and [TS]

  I think at this point just unless [TS]

  comments that the 13 now it's a 13 [TS]

  they're doing ladder 13 wrong ladder of [TS]

  Buddhism the 13 throne is get it [TS]

  yeah you just reach the Tory bitch nice [TS]

  make it centori times tonight is special [TS]

  now the 12 but yeah the 12th is colon [TS]

  cleanse [TS]

  yeah and the 13th wrong isbell oh but [TS]

  like I don't want to sacrifice the the [TS]

  hard-won gains I've made in my blood to [TS]

  a to check to flushing have heavily [TS]

  impacted little friends that you have as [TS]

  such this user you have old friends down [TS]

  there you don't want to make them leave [TS]

  yeah and that then and ultimately like [TS]

  for me because the substance abuse a [TS]

  gene in me it just sits there and throbs [TS]

  all the time like is there something [TS]

  that you can do I mean I honestly I feel [TS]

  like for a long time magazine's were all [TS]

  the magazines that sounds real stupid [TS]

  but it's true you guess I can I've [TS]

  accidentally become a magazine person [TS]

  sometimes I know I was definitely with [TS]

  comics for awhile musicians call an [TS]

  inch-and-a-half comics a weekend just [TS]

  the thing i did [TS]

  yeah and there and they they scratch [TS]

  that say Mitch was just like what do i [TS]

  do what do i do oh I've got this i've [TS]

  got a magazine i'm going to sit and read [TS]

  this magazine and and it got so that i [TS]

  was reading magazine six hours a day and [TS]

  the magazines you know they give you [TS]

  this people they'll owe you and now I'm [TS]

  picturing a little a little that little [TS]

  clippie icon from Microsoft or [TS]

  it looks like you want to sign forty [TS]

  dollars and it was an afternoon would [TS]

  you like to read the Atlantic cow and so [TS]

  you feel like oh yes i would like to [TS]

  read all the hallways and actually if [TS]

  you're getting might be back in the day [TS]

  right we're getting the Atlantic get [TS]

  Harper's because that's that's brain [TS]

  food right a brain food and you come out [TS]

  of there all informed and stuff but [TS]

  you're just informed it you're informed [TS]

  that a superficial level about stuff [TS]

  that is that is interesting but [TS]

  non-essential and and and ran really [TS]

  like life is passing you by like that [TS]

  was six hours that you didn't go [TS]

  rollerblading or whatever one of this [TS]

  you know i mean that's 14k right if [TS]

  there's the there's the normal 14 hours [TS]

  that you weren't rollerblading and then [TS]

  another 60 you're not rollerbladed you [TS]

  know what's funny though not in this [TS]

  rambling I'm sorry I'm sick of my brains [TS]

  not working well but in all this stuff [TS]

  that there are a couple threads through [TS]

  all the stuff we're talking about [TS]

  perhaps not accidentally and it's about [TS]

  how our bodies will is a lot our body [TS]

  and our our our mind or soul like [TS]

  whatever whatever part of it part of it [TS]

  part of us that makes us is such a black [TS]

  box [TS]

  it really is because you know we know [TS]

  that there are certain kinds of stuff [TS]

  that we put into our black box that [TS]

  makes us feel good at the time makes us [TS]

  feel terrible later there's other kinds [TS]

  of stuff as you learned over the years [TS]

  that you put into your body and you're [TS]

  not sure how it makes you feel but [TS]

  you're pretty sure it's not making you [TS]

  feel better and then talk about a [TS]

  function machine like a you know I guess [TS]

  is like a Schrodinger catbox kind of [TS]

  thing but something where there's [TS]

  there's a process that happens inside in [TS]

  any black box you know theory or factory [TS]

  talking about there's something goes in [TS]

  we know that when something comes out [TS]

  over here but we have no way of even [TS]

  knowing what happens inside of the box [TS]

  but we know something happens right so I [TS]

  don't know if you didn't interesting [TS]

  because sometimes i think one appeal of [TS]

  something like messing your juice fast [TS]

  one appeal of whether that's the crazy [TS]

  diet or the forgive my saying cult-like [TS]

  religions or the get-rich-quick scheme [TS]

  or any of those kinds of things is that [TS]

  they make it seem like the blacks black [TS]

  box [TS]

  can be understood and that you if [TS]

  there's the usual should be away at a [TS]

  steady stream of this going in will [TS]

  cause I reliable confident stream of [TS]

  this coming out and that's I mean that I [TS]

  mean that exactly as abstract as I'm [TS]

  putting it yes if you simplify your life [TS]

  he stopped sinning you pray more you do [TS]

  good work you tithe you can pretty much [TS]

  expect that whatever's going on that [TS]

  black box there's going to be a good [TS]

  life that comes out on the other side [TS]

  even if it's not in this world would be [TS]

  one if you simplify your diet enough you [TS]

  could even all that shit you eat and all [TS]

  those cheeseburgers and multitudes and [TS]

  get down to something as simple as the [TS]

  juice of natural organic plants you can [TS]

  expect that your health will improve [TS]

  whatever is going on in that black box [TS]

  there's gonna be stuff that you don't [TS]

  need to know don't worry about that but [TS]

  will come out of that is that you will [TS]

  feel better [TS]

  your body will operate better right [TS]

  there's something really appealing about [TS]

  a way to like try and I mean this is [TS]

  just so obvious but i think it's it's [TS]

  when we stop understanding i will never [TS]

  really understand the black box but when [TS]

  it's hard to go like I'm I'm sick of [TS]

  feeling like shit like i'm so tired of [TS]

  being tired all the time i'm tired of [TS]

  being the Scarecrow i'm tired of juicing [TS]

  things i'm tired of reading the Bible [TS]

  whatever that is i don't know i think [TS]

  that's the eternal class whether you're [TS]

  a substance abuser at any level or not [TS]

  is like trying to trying to reach that [TS]

  equilibrium to where you stop notice it [TS]

  being bad eventually noticed getting [TS]

  better and eventually God willing you [TS]

  stop noticing anything happening at all [TS]

  and just feel normal [TS]

  yeah I i have been reflecting a lot on [TS]

  the attitudes that I carried with me for [TS]

  many years that I see in people all [TS]

  around me that are that are in some ways [TS]

  the the opposite or the response to what [TS]

  you were just saying which is the i [TS]

  remember a time when I would say to [TS]

  myself what is the point of life if I [TS]

  can't have a cigarette [TS]

  like I don't want to land and I and I [TS]

  meant that like I don't want to live in [TS]

  a world where I am [TS]

  restricted from anything I kind of want [TS]

  to live not only like in a in a in a [TS]

  world where I am being where my [TS]

  experience is truncated but where I am [TS]

  I'm measuring my food or I'm i'm in any [TS]

  way a portioning experience to myself in [TS]

  a restricted way and so living fully [TS]

  meant living without limits and I hear [TS]

  that in various forms from people from [TS]

  fully grown people all the time you know [TS]

  and it and it and it's it's a kind of [TS]

  response to any attempts to really [TS]

  control oneself [TS]

  yeah to control oneself beforehand right [TS]

  like hearing from people like to like be [TS]

  mindful e reject something that you [TS]

  think it's not good for you [TS]

  well it won't talk about guns it's the [TS]

  know it's the logic of like like if I [TS]

  couldn't eat steak [TS]

  well what why would I live you know what [TS]

  if i could meet stake my life would be [TS]

  miserable if I couldn't drink alcohol my [TS]

  life would be miserable if I couldn't [TS]

  eat pizza my life would be miserable [TS]

  like the the presumption that that the [TS]

  that these the foodstuffs or experiences [TS]

  or something are the source or are the [TS]

  key of life they are the prize they are [TS]

  the reason they are the like without [TS]

  being able to eat steak where is the [TS]

  enjoyment in life really is the logic [TS]

  mostly talking about variously various [TS]

  forms of intense sensory input most of [TS]

  the time [TS]

  well and and and i don't like things [TS]

  like if I'd manuf I if I can't go to [TS]

  imax movies anymore if I can't eat a [TS]

  giant steak if I can't have a cigarette [TS]

  if I can take a shot of whiskey but the [TS]

  ultimate one is when you look at a [TS]

  priest and say how could you how could [TS]

  you live a celibate life like giving up [TS]

  sex before you even had it [TS]

  like what would be the point of this [TS]

  what would be the point of why would why [TS]

  would you why would you live like I [TS]

  remember thinking that very clearly [TS]

  imagining that the worst thing that [TS]

  could happen to you would be that you [TS]

  would get injured and stuff away in such [TS]

  a way that you were you deprived is like [TS]

  the primary reason it's awesome to be a [TS]

  young man [TS]

  yeah right and the primary like why why [TS]

  interact with other people if you aren't [TS]

  you know if you're not trying to have [TS]

  sex with them or their sisters so as you [TS]

  get older and in particularly in my own [TS]

  experience like oh the more stuff that [TS]

  you the more stuff that you just kind of [TS]

  dispense with like oh yeah I don't like [TS]

  I don't need to eat pizza pizza's great [TS]

  i'm not i'm not empty pizza but pizza [TS]

  isn't central to like today being a good [TS]

  day and not being able to have it and [TS]

  not being able to have sex you know like [TS]

  none of those things are central to [TS]

  having an enjoyable ex human experience [TS]

  and and the like a profound human [TS]

  experience and so and I guess it's part [TS]

  part of like when you imagine somebody [TS]

  who is like Stephen Hawking you know [TS]

  confined to a chair and not even really [TS]

  able to communicate without great effort [TS]

  and yet he still is deriving great [TS]

  pleasure for being alive he you know he [TS]

  wants to be alive he is like living a [TS]

  full life and it's all happening in his [TS]

  mind [TS]

  um and then you then you can trust that [TS]

  with with like I get every every one of [TS]

  these experiments experiments i take i [TS]

  go out in the world I talk to my friends [TS]

  like a lot of pushback particularly from [TS]

  rock-and-roll people was just like you [TS]

  know what I did today I i ate a [TS]

  cigarette just despite the fact was like [TS]

  Jason fit but up haha judge Jason would [TS]

  dip a cigarette liquid cocaine and stick [TS]

  it up his ass just despite [TS]

  guess what i'm wearing [TS]

  no but trying but but you know but but [TS]

  you don't want to be a drag either and [TS]

  you don't want to be a you don't want to [TS]

  you don't want to follow this path so [TS]

  that you're outside of everything you [TS]

  ever knew [TS]

  I've never gotten that from you I mean I [TS]

  said I feel like I I never what we're [TS]

  talking to do you know you can say can [TS]

  do things that you that you believe [TS]

  about the world including things like [TS]

  substances but I've never in any [TS]

  situation ever seen you looking like [TS]

  scally even around drunk people I've [TS]

  never I don't think I've ever seen you [TS]

  which i think is really amazing like [TS]

  when I'm around people who have decided [TS]

  to stop doing substances I still feel [TS]

  kind of funny [TS]

  lame i feel like i feel not guilty but I [TS]

  feel weird about it and I'm unconscious [TS]

  about that around you but in situations [TS]

  where it's way more than me where it [TS]

  could be like a whole backstage area [TS]

  with everybody running around or at a [TS]

  club right somewhere like work maybe we [TS]

  could do a show and people are having [TS]

  drinks or something i don't see like [TS]

  looking at the corner of your eye like [TS]

  in a g-way oh no no I don't mean a drag [TS]

  that way I mean a drag the other way [TS]

  where where where [TS]

  like I am so into my trip that I'm just [TS]

  boring to talk to or or interact with [TS]

  not that not that I'm looking at other [TS]

  people and saying like oh man you need [TS]

  to get with the program you need to find [TS]

  that you need to eat just drink press [TS]

  sunflower oil like I've been doing for [TS]

  the last four years but but no just that [TS]

  I would be that I would be taken out of [TS]

  life to the extent that i know that i am [TS]

  no longer able to participate in the and [TS]

  honest truth is like having a eliminated [TS]

  almost all vice with the exception of [TS]

  like you know interpersonal devices that [TS]

  could be without this interpersonal [TS]

  vices are are all I have now and it's [TS]

  very tough to bottle it [TS]

  but that's why I need your loads but but [TS]

  the other you know all the other [TS]

  chemical vices and and and material [TS]

  vices like I've eliminated most of them [TS]

  and yet i still am able to to be right [TS]

  in the center of a of a Bacchanalia and [TS]

  not feel either that I'm dis included or [TS]

  that that I'm bringing anybody down [TS]

  you know like people all around me are [TS]

  our I all the time and they know how I [TS]

  feel about it they know i feel about [TS]

  them and I and yet I'd I guess I don't [TS]

  feel like I'm I don't feel it that I [TS]

  inhibit them and and and partly it is [TS]

  that I'm that having cut all those [TS]

  things out of my life I do not register [TS]

  any fewer problems in my own life you [TS]

  know what I mean like what i've done is [TS]

  i have eliminated the following problems [TS]

  I no longer wake up in jail [TS]

  I no longer like hacking cough for 20 [TS]

  minutes when i first wake up in the [TS]

  morning like wake up with an injury you [TS]

  can't explain I that sucks i almost [TS]

  never have that although I was not even [TS]

  had that the right i mean isn't that's [TS]

  that's a terrible feeling i mean even [TS]

  just waking up for me like you used to [TS]

  be just waking up somewhere and clearly [TS]

  not quite sure how I ended up here and [TS]

  what the hour before that look like in [TS]

  the that I was having this conversation [TS]

  with some with a good friend the other [TS]

  day and she said you have a really [TS]

  amazing memory and I was like well it's [TS]

  hard for me to to it's hard for me to [TS]

  say because I don't know what it's like [TS]

  to be inside other people's minds but i [TS]

  am for years and years I assumed that [TS]

  people were lying or faking when they [TS]

  said they didn't remember stuff [TS]

  sometimes like stuff that just happened [TS]

  recently who like what you mean you [TS]

  don't remember [TS]

  I mean this is a bone of contention with [TS]

  people where they would say oh I ran [TS]

  into amazing clots and i would say Oh [TS]

  what amazing say oh she said that [TS]

  everything's cool no I mean exactly what [TS]

  did she say like you said hi Maisie and [TS]

  she said what I don't remember she said [TS]

  that everything was cool and it was like [TS]

  that inability to remember conversations [TS]

  to remember conversations as though they [TS]

  were scripts blackout I can take i find [TS]

  that utterly magical being able to do [TS]

  that and and I can barely remember the [TS]

  gist of the conversation I've ever have [TS]

  a lot of the names of the people that [TS]

  were there and for me like when I meet [TS]

  somebody on the street i am recording [TS]

  our conversation in my in my memory like [TS]

  it is [TS]

  yeah like it's a screenplay and i'm very [TS]

  excited about it when i talk to somebody [TS]

  later and they're like and and and rich [TS]

  sometimes months later i can recall the [TS]

  conversation and the and the whole arc [TS]

  of it and what the salient point of it [TS]

  was and and also liked what i thought [TS]

  that person was thinking while we were [TS]

  talking I mean I'm recording that stuff [TS]

  and I'm not doing it intentionally it's [TS]

  just happening over and I always assumed [TS]

  that happen for everybody so I was I was [TS]

  just I was stunned when people would [TS]

  relate conversations it's like a perfect [TS]

  pitch where you just go like oh well why [TS]

  would you not hear that that's an F [TS]

  sharp right and so even when I was the [TS]

  most fucked up on on drugs and alcohol [TS]

  I never really blacked out and I never [TS]

  woke up in the morning and failed to [TS]

  remember why my pillow was covered with [TS]

  blood [TS]

  like I would wake up in the morning I [TS]

  would go oh right and and part of that [TS]

  or up some of the fallout from that is [TS]

  that I cannot forget some of the [TS]

  episodes that i would most like to [TS]

  forget and I think people who don't have [TS]

  that kind of memory are blessed [TS]

  because they because those in those like [TS]

  psychic injuries that happen to them [TS]

  when they were young fade quickly and [TS]

  fade to like us just become kind of a [TS]

  smear and I can really go back to every [TS]

  one of the every bad episode and just [TS]

  relive the whole thing in in Technicolor [TS]

  detail [TS]

  wow if I allow myself to and that is not [TS]

  it's not great it's not fun so so that [TS]

  is that's like one of the one of the the [TS]

  Bombers of being built the way I am as [TS]

  this is this ability to recall you think [TS]

  you'll get something from Greek [TS]

  mythology like no matter what what no [TS]

  matter what horrible thing it's like you [TS]

  know Gary all I have eternal life [TS]

  yeah I get to watch everybody ever loved [TS]

  I right first years i can read any [TS]

  paying you oh I broke my glasses that [TS]

  time enough at last it's Billy money [TS]

  whoo-hoo so so I so I feel like I feel [TS]

  like the substance abuse thing in my own [TS]

  life like cutting out all the drugs [TS]

  cutting out all of the I mean everything [TS]

  that could potentially everything that I [TS]

  could take refuge in against reality [TS]

  eliminating those things has eliminated [TS]

  all the side effects of them but we all [TS]

  the problems that are somewhat unique to [TS]

  that the culture of being somebody who [TS]

  does all of that [TS]

  yeah right and and all of the and all of [TS]

  the side effects that are specific to [TS]

  each individual drug like the the [TS]

  hangover that you get from from gym is [TS]

  different than the hangover you get from [TS]

  wine you remember them all remember them [TS]

  all but what what what continues to be [TS]

  true is that I have all of the problems [TS]

  with reality that i always had have all [TS]

  the problems integrating with the world [TS]

  that I always have [TS]

  and the challenge has been here that the [TS]

  challenge with the birth or the the the [TS]

  story of the black box that you're [TS]

  describing is [TS]

  describing is [TS]

  that you not only are you not only if [TS]

  you if you join Scientology are you [TS]

  going to stop being an alcoholic but [TS]

  also all the root problems are going to [TS]

  go away to and and that is true of kind [TS]

  of every religious cult of every diet [TS]

  plan I mean nobody ever says go on this [TS]

  crash diet you lose a bunch of weight [TS]

  but you'll still be a depressed [TS]

  miserable bitter angry son of a bit [TS]

  listen it's a magic way of seeing the [TS]

  world that leads to a magic way of [TS]

  solving your problems through like a [TS]

  magic way of fixing all the things that [TS]

  you came in with [TS]

  and it's all magic and for me the there [TS]

  has never been there's never been a [TS]

  thing either a drug i took or quitting [TS]

  doing that drug that really made it any [TS]

  easier to get up in the morning light [TS]

  you know now I mean like quite the [TS]

  contrary and that's why people drink and [TS]

  that's that's that's the fucking point [TS]

  yeah that's why that's why speed is so [TS]

  tantalizing well it's it's it's you [TS]

  it does make it easier to get up in the [TS]

  morn there's this one's for Chris [TS]

  there's a Buddhist parable called the [TS]

  the parable of the 84th problem uh is [TS]

  that that's a jay-z song that's right [TS]

  bitch ain't one guy goes it goes to [TS]

  second goes into a bar he goes up to the [TS]

  to the the master that's and always [TS]

  always in one of the stories and he says [TS]

  about these problems i got you know it's [TS]

  like he's got the life of job like [TS]

  everything's just tits up in this guy's [TS]

  lowlife his wife's cheating on his crops [TS]

  are dying he's got he's got problems [TS]

  kids are assholes and he just goes on he [TS]

  says and what do i do about this and [TS]

  again the the master guy says well you [TS]

  know the thing you don't realize is that [TS]

  you've got 83 problems and everybody in [TS]

  the entire world will always have 83 [TS]

  problems like as soon as you solve in [TS]

  your mind one problem you'll find [TS]

  another problem you'll never have a day [TS]

  we don't have 83 problems right back to [TS]

  the second set but you also have an 84th [TS]

  problem which is that you think you [TS]

  shouldn't have 83 problems [TS]

  call i I'm telling you man that story [TS]

  has more residents for me every couple [TS]

  years because I realize how true the [TS]

  eighth especially the 83 problems part [TS]

  is it's another thing to think that you [TS]

  know you should be above having problems [TS]

  in life but IM it for me like I always [TS]

  have talked about this a lot on the [TS]

  other show idea but always make another [TS]

  show i do yeah yeah it says here on the [TS]

  internet and I i discovered that i I'm [TS]

  I'm unhappily coming to realize and [TS]

  accept I don't have an answer yet that I [TS]

  i think i might just always being an [TS]

  anxious person in the sense that i will [TS]

  always find a primary thing to worry [TS]

  about several secondary things to worry [TS]

  about and then a seemingly endless [TS]

  collection of tertiary things to worry [TS]

  about getting rid of even getting rid of [TS]

  the big number one we know that means [TS]

  there's a field promotion for one of the [TS]

  secondary problems guess what you get to [TS]

  go to the line as a kid you made it you [TS]

  made another show 10 your girl's number [TS]

  one problem right now how do you feel [TS]

  thanks cap but you know it's silly [TS]

  parable maybe but I i find that to be [TS]

  true then why say that because cool [TS]

  you're describing is if if you there's [TS]

  something very comforting about certain [TS]

  kinds of problems and you know to get [TS]

  into like the crazy family dynamics and [TS]

  abuse and stuff like that but there are [TS]

  certain things where you know if you [TS]

  have to choose between the devil you [TS]

  know than the devil you don't know even [TS]

  if you're not aware of it you might [TS]

  continue to seek out the problem that [TS]

  you're familiar with and the problem [TS]

  that you're comfortable solving or more [TS]

  often not solving and sometimes I really [TS]

  honestly believe that somebody can be [TS]

  more whatever makes you happy like i say [TS]

  comfortable but more okay with just not [TS]

  solving the same problem for a really [TS]

  long time and that problem is taken away [TS]

  from them if that that comforting [TS]

  anxiety that they developed a [TS]

  relationship that little friend goes [TS]

  away [TS]

  that's a that can be really only a [TS]

  really crazy thing like having like a [TS]

  little foundation and yes and I mean [TS]

  almost along the lines of like me to [TS]

  talk about the dentist like having a [TS]

  tooth root and you feel like it's not [TS]

  your mouth anymore that tooth you know [TS]

  that problem is like that too [TS]

  even if it's a rotten one it's one that [TS]

  you recognize and now it's gone and now [TS]

  you're in a different kind of anxiety [TS]

  because now you don't even know what [TS]

  your next thing you should worry about [TS]

  should be enough that doesn't sound like [TS]

  you but I'm saying is [TS]

  if you are if not you but if you select [TS]

  something like you notice the drunk and [TS]

  fuck you you have the same dialogues I [TS]

  loved Otis remember he's locked himself [TS]

  in and out of the cell was only trying [TS]

  the door knobs on all the bathrooms that [TS]

  my problem is a my presentation my point [TS]

  that right yeah is that like just [TS]

  getting rid of all the problems that [TS]

  come around because because one is a is [TS]

  addicted to narcotics [TS]

  yes behavior problems anymore it's just [TS]

  you have more subtle and ultimately kind [TS]

  of difficult problems that are you know [TS]

  now now you gotta really do the real [TS]

  work with yeah they're looking at him [TS]

  instead of running away from the menu [TS]

  and and i don't mean running away I mean [TS]

  that the language of of recovery is so [TS]

  fraught and he say something like [TS]

  runaway and automatically I i I'm like [TS]

  impelled to say i don't mean running [TS]

  away in the sense of being cowardly you [TS]

  know this is one of the things that so [TS]

  many alcoholics are like it's a it's [TS]

  like an knee-jerk response to like they [TS]

  feel like doing drugs and being drunk is [TS]

  heroic and that they are not running [TS]

  away from their problems they are they [TS]

  are fighting you know there because that [TS]

  because their lives feel like a full of [TS]

  strife and heroic fight and contest you [TS]

  know because they stumble out of the bar [TS]

  at night and they run into some street [TS]

  person and they have some they go on [TS]

  some adventure and it all feels like [TS]

  very Greek to be living the life and it [TS]

  nightly quests you do you have nightly [TS]

  question sometimes that questions just [TS]

  like can i get home in this condition [TS]

  because I can't you know I can't drive [TS]

  or I can't find my car and it's raining [TS]

  and there are no cabs like can I even [TS]

  get home without without passing out in [TS]

  the doorway and that when you do get [TS]

  home and the next morning like it does [TS]

  feel a little bit like a question [TS]

  certainly you're giving yourself some [TS]

  some obstacles that are both life and [TS]

  death and also pretty pretty uh [TS]

  easy to solve that you step out of your [TS]

  experience points yeah exactly like my [TS]

  mama class is pretty high got good hit [TS]

  points and the reality is since I [TS]

  stopped drinking the number of times [TS]

  that I walk in the front door of my [TS]

  house and go and collapsed on the floor [TS]

  ago I made it all but I have like a lot [TS]

  fewer because everything will become [TS]

  depressed whale good so next you know [TS]

  that's not the that's not the big quest [TS]

  and and I and that is something that i [TS]

  miss be the daily kind of excitement of [TS]

  of triumph and a conquering adversity [TS]

  that you just you put into your life but [TS]

  you put into your life with drugs and [TS]

  alcohol and honestly with food and with [TS]

  sport and all this stuff you know all [TS]

  this kind of action that seems very that [TS]

  seems very heroic and then in the end [TS]

  all it is all that happened at the end [TS]

  of the day is that you made it home and [TS]

  that was actually pretty easy to do for [TS]

  for me the-the-the-the ghost that haunts [TS]

  me or the the main my main brokenness I [TS]

  guess is that i do not have a definition [TS]

  of success there is no there is no [TS]

  success in my life because I do not [TS]

  allow there to be like I i have no there [TS]

  i have not defined success so therefore [TS]

  everything is a failure and my greatest [TS]

  triumphs are still failing failures and [TS]

  that is a that is this puzzle box that [TS]

  no matter what I do no matter what I [TS]

  quit doing no matter what advice I quit [TS]

  doing no matter what a like new exercise [TS]

  his program i go on or what what [TS]

  studying i do or what new new exciting [TS]

  adventure i go on i don't have a simple [TS]

  definition of success for myself and so [TS]

  I I I never congratulate myself I don't [TS]

  accept congratulations and at the end of [TS]

  the day I look up at my wall at my [TS]

  blue-ribbon wall and there are no blue [TS]

  ribbons on it [TS]

  there are like three white ribbons that [TS]

  I have allowed that I deserve you know [TS]

  like okay good job third place you know [TS]

  the greatest events of my life I have [TS]

  allowed some I have allowed myself to to [TS]

  reward myself a third place ribbon and [TS]

  so I have this tattered little bulletin [TS]

  board that has like three or four white [TS]

  ribbons on it but you're like the [TS]

  Russian judge you you're not going to [TS]

  let anything up there that didn't really [TS]

  really irrefutably deserve to be there [TS]

  yeah and and you know maybe that's a [TS]

  third place maybe that sublime bronze or [TS]

  white [TS]

  well you know like my walk across Europe [TS]

  for instance where I very definitely for [TS]

  months on end was in constant combat [TS]

  with myself and then actually you know [TS]

  walked the last three days of that walk [TS]

  even though every voice in my head was [TS]

  screaming at me you know just get on a [TS]

  fucking bus you're there you made it to [TS]

  Istanbul just get on a city bus and take [TS]

  it to the airport and go home [TS]

  um I you know I thought those voices and [TS]

  walked all the way to the Hagia Sophia [TS]

  and so I cannot there is no part of me [TS]

  that can rob myself of that but I also [TS]

  can't get myself a first-place ribbon I [TS]

  can't you know get myself a blue ribbon [TS]

  because of all the because of the fact [TS]

  that i spent the whole time finding [TS]

  myself instead of walking on a magic [TS]

  carpet in Buddhist bliss or whatever you [TS]

  know like right right i should have been [TS]

  fighting myself I should have been [TS]

  arguing with myself for sale of points [TS]

  on the technical that's right [TS]

  that's right you didn't go ahead and [TS]

  nail to finish my form was all fucked up [TS]

  i should have been i should have had no [TS]

  possessions and I should have just [TS]

  walked from loving stranger to loving [TS]

  stranger basking in the glow of of my [TS]

  humanity and I should have arrived in [TS]

  Stamboul and dissemination have made me [TS]

  Pasha of all the infidels but none of [TS]

  that happened so no blue ribbon but but [TS]

  but you know but white ribbon 444 effort [TS]

  for getting there you know and that's [TS]

  like one of the one of my big adventures [TS]

  right that's like a that is a thing that [TS]

  i will the whole rest of my life I'm [TS]

  gonna be reflecting on the fact that I [TS]

  once walked from amsterdam to Istanbul [TS]

  and that i only gave myself a [TS]

  third-place finish and that's crazy it's [TS]

  crazy to me and and as I'm talking about [TS]

  doing this weekly show up here in [TS]

  Seattle my very close friends who are [TS]

  aware of this problem you know have have [TS]

  kind of leaned in and said what does [TS]

  success look like for you in this like [TS]

  what you're about to do this it's a it's [TS]

  a big risk [TS]

  what do you hope to accomplish and I [TS]

  have no I mean not only can i not answer [TS]

  them but I'm rushing into a new project [TS]

  and i haven't even sat with myself and [TS]

  and digested this possibility like are [TS]

  you doing a new show and you're just [TS]

  going to do it and every day is going to [TS]

  be a new opportunity for failure [TS]

  uh-huh so that had that haunts me it [TS]

  it haunted me when I was a little kid it [TS]

  haunted me all the way through school it [TS]

  was a big part of why I turned to drugs [TS]

  i think and then quitting drugs and [TS]

  alcohol was a was a thing that I hoped [TS]

  would be a triumph that would break that [TS]

  break the back of that forever but i [TS]

  really only give myself a white ribbon [TS]

  for quitting drugs and alcohol to you [TS]

  know it's just like it's the ribbon that [TS]

  you think [TS]

  that you get as a kid wouldn't like you [TS]

  showed up it's an attendance rip right [TS]

  right near perfect attend to that [TS]

  near-perfect attendance and so so i [TS]

  cannot i guess i cannot delight in my [TS]

  achievement and it and I I don't even I [TS]

  wouldn't even asked to delight in [TS]

  achievement but just not to not to not [TS]

  have my instinct be to denigrate my own [TS]

  achievement at every turn and I don't [TS]

  know that's the well stroll [TS]

  yep you know and I don't know how to [TS]

  solve it [TS]

  I don't know what I end and over the [TS]

  years people have put a thousand black [TS]

  boxes in front of me and said if only [TS]

  you accept this black box you'll go in [TS]

  one side you'll come out the other and [TS]

  it will be you know and and psychology [TS]

  is one of those boxes and and zoloft is [TS]

  one of those boxes and exercise and [TS]

  nutrition exercise and nutrition is one [TS]

  of those boxes and the power of positive [TS]

  thinking by norman vincent peale is a is [TS]

  one of those boxes etc etc etc and I [TS]

  just have never have tried a lot of [TS]

  boxes i have i have denied a lot of [TS]

  boxes just on principle but you know I [TS]

  honestly don't know and I feel like [TS]

  maybe I should write post-it notes and [TS]

  put them all over my house that say do [TS]

  it ! go for it you're the best you know [TS]

  I see that stuff in thrift stores all [TS]

  the time peoples peoples like a picture [TS]

  of a thumbprint is your somebody and not [TS]

  stop stop really thats hanging on the [TS]

  walls of dentists office honestly harsh [TS]

  critic you know I mean it's it this is [TS]

  nothing that you don't know but you you [TS]

  do you think a lot you could think any [TS]

  idea into into a fine dust and and [TS]

  problems your white ribbon bow now [TS]

  you do you think you thinking you and [TS]

  you are you know it's a I don't know if [TS]

  you ever want to shut your thinking off [TS]

  but you know it's I think you think [TS]

  sometimes way beyond wind it's useful to [TS]

  you but some trestle Inigo you need to [TS]

  get into my special 17-point ladder rung [TS]

  system [TS]

  hi well I'm and tell me like give me [TS]

  give me one of your patented Merlin uh [TS]

  Bob dressing-down dressings down essence [TS]

  down i'll give you a dressing-down well [TS]

  now i know i wouldn't i wouldn't you you [TS]

  can't be helped but where's my bail outs [TS]

  under my cymbals banana no no [TS]

  yeah i mean i don't know i don't know [TS]

  I'm kind of surprised that I don't want [TS]

  to jinx you by saying this I'm kind of [TS]

  surprised that you've had such good [TS]

  success getting on stage and rocking out [TS]

  because you seem to find a kind of [TS]

  unselfconscious rocking outness onstage [TS]

  that is somewhat at odds with your [TS]

  obsession with white ribbons not [TS]

  sexually but you know what i mean like [TS]

  like you don't interrupt going to do I [TS]

  look [TS]

  do I look cool doing this right now [TS]

  right I'm sure that goes through mine on [TS]

  some level I can you have stage presence [TS]

  or not you know you're retarded but you [TS]

  but you also like doesn't seem like [TS]

  you're overthinking stuff as much in the [TS]

  middle of the guitar solo [TS]

  there is something about the guitar [TS]

  there really is something about the [TS]

  electric guitar and the acoustic guitar [TS]

  different things that you know that [TS]

  provide a psychological bed that for the [TS]

  for the length of a show like I feel [TS]

  safe with the guitar and I know [TS]

  test as the years have gone by like I [TS]

  know what they I know what they can do i [TS]

  know that that that that they create a [TS]

  kind of bubble around me that I playing [TS]

  the guitar it does it creates a bubble [TS]

  and within that bubble I'm critiquing my [TS]

  own performance [TS]

  I'm you know when I walk off the stage [TS]

  if you talk to me in the first five [TS]

  minutes after show i will tell you that [TS]

  it was the worse show that anyone's ever [TS]

  seen but while I'm on stage and in that [TS]

  bubble [TS]

  i I just I feel very safe and um and [TS]

  that's the end of the storm of a rock [TS]

  band [TS]

  do you feel confident I mean and others [TS]

  even thought they would go through your [TS]

  head but you don't you're not doubting [TS]

  your confidence when you're onstage [TS]

  no I am for sure I mean in particular [TS]

  because consuming John Hodges not [TS]

  interrupting you blank playing guitar is [TS]

  a thing that a lot of people do so when [TS]

  i'm playing guitar I am conscious of the [TS]

  fact that there are people in the room [TS]

  or better guitar players than me and yet [TS]

  I know I know what I'm doing and playing [TS]

  guitar is it is individual enough that i [TS]

  feel like if i do if i do a good job but [TS]

  if i do a good job of playing guitar [TS]

  like me it's unassailable you know what [TS]

  I mean like some of the best guitars [TS]

  I've ever known have come up to me after [TS]

  shows with with just an unmitigated look [TS]

  of pleasure on their face and gone that [TS]

  was an amazing show and so I had the [TS]

  experience of like that guy is [TS]

  complimenting me on my guitar playing [TS]

  and he is by all metrics a better guitar [TS]

  player than I am [TS]

  but what he's saying is that i [TS]

  communicated my guitar to the room in a [TS]

  way that he not only admirers but like [TS]

  is impressed by and wants to be able to [TS]

  do himself you know he's a better guitar [TS]

  player than me but he's complimenting me [TS]

  on this on this on my guitar and the and [TS]

  that the man is a character that's [TS]

  probably the wrong word but the style [TS]

  with which you presented that [TS]

  performance [TS]

  yeah and you know it did it did hang [TS]

  together and that's the thing that that [TS]

  I'm that's the thing that I I and you [TS]

  know and I i can't i can't say anything [TS]

  other than that that's the thing that I [TS]

  practiced and practice gives you that [TS]

  confidence i guess there is something [TS]

  magic about the guitar sound like [TS]

  writing lyrics that does not make the [TS]

  self critical voice come away by a long [TS]

  shot I'm guessing [TS]

  well they might be able to disappear [TS]

  because you're sort of famous or [TS]

  infamous for writing what turned out to [TS]

  be awesome lyrics at the last [TS]

  conceivable moment right yeah and there [TS]

  are lyrical there are lyrical turns out [TS]

  that I've put down that that are immune [TS]

  to my like nah school of self-criticism [TS]

  they can just stand in the open and the [TS]

  na school flyover and go three and they [TS]

  don't have to run you know they don't [TS]

  have to cower in a hole and there are [TS]

  there are more of those even then i [TS]

  would probably publicly admit like those [TS]

  are some of the things I'm proudest of [TS]

  that I just say yeah that stands and and [TS]

  I don't know where it came from a lot of [TS]

  time I can't claim it really but but it [TS]

  came from me and and and I admire tired [TS]

  Meyer it even as something I've done but [TS]

  that doesn't get me writing lyrics [TS]

  tomorrow [TS]

  whoo yeah it's a it is a it's almost [TS]

  like you save even more occasions then [TS]

  you would even want to count you somehow [TS]

  at the last minute even full of fear [TS]

  managed to save a child from building [TS]

  but like it doesn't make you look [TS]

  forward to having to do it tomorrow i'm [TS]

  right kind of like it's a it's a you [TS]

  know it doesn't make you look forward to [TS]

  doing it tomorrow and also there's that [TS]

  there's that there's that thing about [TS]

  art where you cannot quite claim it over [TS]

  because it cut it came from this [TS]

  admixture of luck and Alan influence [TS]

  their experience timing which ate for [TS]

  breakfast [TS]

  it's you know if it does if it isn't [TS]

  actually an unintentionally about deadly [TS]

  or pretenders song I if it actually is [TS]

  kind of its own thing it's it's really [TS]

  difficult to not sound like a total [TS]

  asshole to say anything but i'm not sure [TS]

  how that came up but it did well yeah [TS]

  and I mean and in contrast to the to the [TS]

  conservative response to obama during [TS]

  the last election where they were all [TS]

  touting like I made that I made that [TS]

  info because not because because it was [TS]

  so obnoxious [TS]

  it was so obnoxious and so childlike [TS]

  like like even if I mean the critique of [TS]

  that argument just like did you not [TS]

  drive on public roads did you not [TS]

  drinking people are people born on third [TS]

  base you think they invented baseball [TS]

  yeah but that but that but but just what [TS]

  it takes [TS]

  what what kind of person stands and says [TS]

  I made that strong [TS]

  I mean it's tough it's a three-year-olds [TS]

  idea of like ownership and pride like [TS]

  that isn't any kind of pride that I [TS]

  recognize [TS]

  I made that the best thing I ever been [TS]

  is trying to write his name on your [TS]

  birdhouse up but I mean seriously the [TS]

  best the thing I'm proudest of the first [TS]

  thing I would say about it is like well [TS]

  I couldn't have done it if if x y&z had [TS]

  lined up you know and and uh and so that [TS]

  if you think too much [TS]

  I guess it's only natural that you start [TS]

  to think like well I didn't really ever [TS]

  make anything [TS]

  and I mean I guess that's why that is [TS]

  back home and wait to turn it around [TS]

  god dammit and that's what the [TS]

  Conservatives are so upset and get a [TS]

  white ribbon for that Winchester the [TS]

  Conservatives are are are angry because [TS]

  they think that we are trying to steal [TS]

  from them and their family still their [TS]

  family and their pride the family pride [TS]

  from the pride that sounds like the [TS]

  grocery store and the black haha along [TS]

  down the family pride then and the [TS]

  biggest we're not trying to steal their [TS]

  family pride it's just that we don't [TS]

  have any family pride ourselves and [TS]

  we're trying to smear everybody with it [TS]

  with our gayness are very gay penis is [TS]

  rubbed all over there simply perfect it [TS]

  gay black penis polyamorous penis [TS]

  somebody accused me of being polyamorous [TS]

  know that is low i said don't you talk [TS]

  like that to me and they were like well [TS]

  polyamorous means loves a lot of things [TS]

  below that seems pretty broad and I was [TS]

  like that does seem pretty broad [TS]

  polyamorous has become a way of saying i [TS]

  am a furry butt but I love Brody [TS]