Roderick on the Line

Ep. 200: "There's No Anything"


  this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you by Casper Casper isn't [TS]

  online retailer of premium mattresses [TS]

  that you can get delivered to your door [TS]

  for a fraction of the price you payin [TS]

  stores learn more visit Casper calm / [TS]

  supertrain [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  hello hi John I'm Merlin high was it [TS]

  going [TS]

  punch the ball ball I mean I crack the [TS]

  encryption yes you're in a jacked into [TS]

  the matrix purple people can see them to [TS]

  the internet now and it's raining code [TS]

  yep yep fine yeah I was raining green [TS]

  color but kind of slow down i got green [TS]

  code coming from all over the place and [TS]

  my headset microphone oh yes [TS]

  yeah but it's big isn't it yeah i'm [TS]

  playing video games with it she have a [TS]

  very large satellite phone [TS]

  yeah it's got some synthetic meth and [TS]

  say it's an EDM that keeps you up all [TS]

  nights and taxes of hacking hacking this [TS]

  a second got a kak always with the [TS]

  hacking with me [TS]

  ah you're just happy hack actually don't [TS]

  talk back acne sex you know that that's [TS]

  the sound of trying to get comcast to [TS]

  work and a good and getting better [TS]

  did you can I feel like you know it's [TS]

  weird to feel like we got Benny Hill on [TS]

  maybe on PBS [TS]

  whoa i might be wrong but look at a [TS]

  certain point I feel like we have been [TS]

  hell on PBS which he does not good not [TS]

  just it seems really fucking weird [TS]

  you definitely got money python yeah [TS]

  maybe that was a Saturday night affair [TS]

  because we want to read it [TS]

  yep those British that's where was its [TS]

  cultural yeah in America any and I still [TS]

  want to say Benny Hinn what I mean Benny [TS]

  Hill many him is the weird [TS]

  a televangelist he had the cove it looks [TS]

  like an anvil yeah exactly [TS]

  Benny Hill I felt like we got in [TS]

  Anchorage not not on MTV but on some [TS]

  kind of proto like WGN or something some [TS]

  one of those windmills WGN PBS no no no [TS]

  no no chicago chicago at PBS it was [TS]

  Boston but really nice pasta with the [TS]

  word streets boston mass so 2134 [TS]

  and zoom Empire haha and hire that guy [TS]

  on 861 582 300 amp I now that the work [TS]

  in a 1-800 before it which is really [TS]

  awkward [TS]

  1 800 582 know what I think is better [TS]

  set of wheels ball bomb out that upon my [TS]

  head to be tall deal [TS]

  no that's Cal that's Cal what's-his-name [TS]

  he'll stand upon his head until his ears [TS]

  are turning red man to get you a better [TS]

  deal on a Ford truck who these are [TS]

  things will be meaningless to your [TS]

  listeners in the Czech Republic tears [TS]

  and rain [TS]

  oh speaking of tiered well yeah code [TS]

  enduring am i right [TS]

  oh my goodness yeah all these all these [TS]

  acts will be lost in time i'm going to [TS]

  rewrite the encryption code and rain who [TS]

  it is raining again in seattle and it's [TS]

  cold all two days ago was 80 degrees and [TS]

  you know and plants were dying birds [TS]

  were dying now it's 50 degrees and [TS]

  raining I don't understand when you get [TS]

  spiders to winter all know that comes [TS]

  later [TS]

  spiders are coming yeah that's that's in [TS]

  the that's in the early autumn they [TS]

  start really be getting big and then [TS]

  autumn boy are you kidding me [TS]

  where's biggest cat everything hmm [TS]

  everything's everything's changing John [TS]

  everything literally everything is [TS]

  changing everything is everything [TS]

  everything this is this likely be the [TS]

  answer we get that that's changed we [TS]

  don't get me and sweet so I think [TS]

  something's going on what is love slugs [TS]

  are coming out at different times I [TS]

  think something's going on i'm having an [TS]

  ant invasion so you must be the ants [TS]

  most of migrant OC that could be it they [TS]

  could be could be Syrian ants [TS]

  yeah they're here in the media at the [TS]

  mission in seattle they're going the [TS]

  opposite way notice women with the other [TS]

  way the Mission of San one and estranha [TS]

  hmm [TS]

  come every year haha god and i have but [TS]

  I have things to follow up with you [TS]

  about let me let me just prep you [TS]

  yeah i slept for two hours last night [TS]

  what so I'm a little bit whack-a-doodle [TS]

  oh my goodness i'm feeling really [TS]

  wackadoodle Oh why'd you sleep for two [TS]

  hours join this is one of those you [TS]

  stayed up a little bit late were you [TS]

  looking at a baby or something [TS]

  yeah that's what happened but we looking [TS]

  at we're looking to bring it bring your [TS]

  collar with a call truck man whats it'll [TS]

  still look at the truck man no I was [TS]

  looking at just I was just Maryland the [TS]

  smartphone is a curse [TS]

  it's still it's still the smartphone for [TS]

  you i was just reading i was just [TS]

  reading the New York Times they were [TS]

  telling me the New York Times was [TS]

  telling me that circumcision isn't that [TS]

  bad but then the 4000 huh [TS]

  comments after the article should feel [TS]

  like it was genital mutilation yeah and [TS]

  killing our boys and then you know so [TS]

  I'm I'm going through I'm going through [TS]

  the the comments I shouldn't have done [TS]

  and then I went over i reposted it to my [TS]

  facebook as you know i do on me and then [TS]

  I go over there and there's people on [TS]

  facebook presumably you know me better [TS]

  did they have any comments John oh my [TS]

  goodness some of them are actual medical [TS]

  professional sure and if you know you're [TS]

  not allowed to see your doctor for not a [TS]

  doctor if you could be in that hospital [TS]

  room and see what those one year old [TS]

  boys code through oh the tips of their [TS]

  little pieces are cut off [TS]

  you are you know what you would think [TS]

  twice is that right so yeah I feel like [TS]

  almost every medical procedure you could [TS]

  say that [TS]

  well you saw what happened when we drain [TS]

  a near you think twice [TS]

  well sure if you saw what happened you [TS]

  vaccinated kidney becomes like a feeling [TS]

  was automaton you know what you do you [TS]

  know what you do to your uncle in heart [TS]

  surgery you know we have to do to him [TS]

  what do you have to cut right into a cut [TS]

  right into me you can now but I mean the [TS]

  recovery from that same boys my doctor [TS]

  so anyway they took the stitches out of [TS]

  my sebaceous cyst hole tonight let's get [TS]

  an update on the cyst so know about nice [TS]

  feedback from people about your sister [TS]

  I'm feeling I'm feeling all like a whole [TS]

  man you know what I learned John [TS]

  Roderick I learned how many people eat [TS]

  while listening to our program is an [TS]

  island [TS]

  you have to be crazy to do that again [TS]

  what are you thinking you need to be in [TS]

  the right you know what you need it's [TS]

  like going to church but you need to get [TS]

  a hat and you need to think twice about [TS]

  what's on your mind you need to come in [TS]

  unit you will come in and eat this is [TS]

  not this is not this is not a franchise [TS]

  Marvel movie you're not gonna snack [TS]

  wireless in this program you don't even [TS]

  want to eat reese's pieces because we [TS]

  could start talking about something [TS]

  gross that comes out of your bottom that [TS]

  looks like a Reese's Pieces [TS]

  oh yeah well yeah if you drink enough [TS]

  water let's say clusters get goat poop [TS]

  out some reeses but you know it's it's [TS]

  likely to say about swimming right half [TS]

  an hour right you should probably not [TS]

  eat for half an hour before you listen [TS]

  to our program but it turns out that's a [TS]

  Mussolini's train and I know you know [TS]

  it's a double turns out is the new turns [TS]

  out and present you could be waist-deep [TS]

  in a lake eating a chili dog and then [TS]

  just right you could take that last bit [TS]

  of chili dog and then right under the [TS]

  water and you're still fun [TS]

  oh right and i think im gonna do that i [TS]

  think im gonna die the other day I was [TS]

  at how glad I was able to do that [TS]

  without even know anything about it was [TS]

  this which called blink he just glimpse [TS]

  at the statue and you know whether it's [TS]

  fake or not you glimpse of the statute [TS]

  just a glimpse it's a blank literally [TS]

  yeah I was a hamburger restaurant the [TS]

  other day and everybody was getting [TS]

  hamburgers and I wanted a hamburger but [TS]

  i also thought that I would get two [TS]

  chili dogs for the table [TS]

  mmm i justyou just for the table just [TS]

  for the to just order two chili dogs i [TS]

  love that you do this i love that you [TS]

  offered pizza and you get a pizza for [TS]

  the table before the pizza comes you [TS]

  walk in the door there they're seating [TS]

  you you lean over to the way to sitting [TS]

  here like a large pepperoni to the table [TS]

  set fast as you can [TS]

  they shouldn't think of it as appetizers [TS]

  you thinking of his first dinner it's me [TS]

  dinner [TS]

  that's right its first dinner you're [TS]

  just wetting the your wet your whistle [TS]

  yeah but a better but I thought about it [TS]

  and I was like actually dogs as a as a [TS]

  communal food are you all going to dig [TS]

  in there it's like a slick explain a [TS]

  sloppy joe four ways but in sloppy joe i [TS]

  think what you do is you get if it's a [TS]

  pretty good sized dog it's a good-sized [TS]

  beef dog you cut it into thirds neatly [TS]

  with a knife and then everybody can [TS]

  enjoy like a slider [TS]

  mmm yeah but that presumes that it's one [TS]

  of those chili dogs with the chili is [TS]

  added as a like a elaborate ketchup [TS]

  rather than chilli add the chili dog [TS]

  that I get is more like a bowl of chili [TS]

  that probably has a hot dog in there so [TS]

  yeah exactly exactly and I feel like [TS]

  that's how is she [TS]

  maybe that's just what we've done well [TS]

  we've talked about that not enough every [TS]

  day somebody's mornings never seen the [TS]

  flintstones that's true you don't blow [TS]

  your mind let me look a little bit let [TS]

  me set the wayback machine to the last [TS]

  time you actually saw the flintstones [TS]

  yeah when wasn't the last it's gonna be [TS]

  a decade for me since I saw your [TS]

  daughter did there you have a job to do [TS]

  you see Laverne and Shirley bit but but [TS]

  but at the same time I you know what [TS]

  this might be a double turns out because [TS]

  i cannot even tell you the last time I [TS]

  saw it if I'm in a hotel room i'll be [TS]

  flipping around because you can only [TS]

  watch so much chopped that you get [TS]

  heckle and Jeckle there you don't get [TS]

  the funds I don't even think you see the [TS]

  cartoon so much anymore you get their [TS]

  isolated there-there there-there put [TS]

  into this side this ghetto on these are [TS]

  cartoon network's and even then it's [TS]

  ironic shows to do ya budu maybe even a [TS]

  little book it BTW dr. Theophilus i [TS]

  think his name is the opposite side the [TS]

  apples he's a and Twinkies it's [TS]

  conveyance for dr. robot you have TWiki [TS]

  is a penis headed a little person robot [TS]

  circumcised looking penis who does [TS]

  that's right who doesn't that's right [TS]

  he's not wearing a turtleneck and he his [TS]

  job is just a carry dr. Theophilus [TS]

  around Donald but that's not how he [TS]

  thinks about it you know everybody's [TS]

  everybody's the lead in their novel i [TS]

  bet i don't a twinkie thinks of himself [TS]

  as a robot conveyance i thinkI he takes [TS]

  himself the primary robot probably right [TS]

  sure he's got other things to do he's a [TS]

  doesn't doesn't he get his own missions [TS]

  sometimes open doors and stuff I got say [TS]

  they stay here today I could not tell [TS]

  you the last time that I saw an episode [TS]

  of Buck Rogers it might be 35 years [TS]

  how could you that's not a show that [TS]

  would ever be syndicated I don't think [TS]

  it had longevity dr. Theophilus looked [TS]

  like a canteen [TS]

  uh-huh that had some lights on it sort [TS]

  of almost face looking set of lights [TS]

  yeah now i think you're right i look [TS]

  that up look like a canteen though and [TS]

  he had he had superior wisdom [TS]

  oh yeah look at him dr. Theophilus [TS]

  looking looks kinda like a like an [TS]

  electric light meter with that has a [TS]

  face [TS]

  yeah or like the game Simon do you [TS]

  remember Simon course I remember Simon [TS]

  yeah so he looked a little bit like [TS]

  Simon I just never understood how come [TS]

  the technology of the 24 26th century [TS]

  want to talk rogers in the 25th century [TS]

  25th century they couldn't combine the [TS]

  brain of dr. Theophilus with the body of [TS]

  tweet tweety oh yeah it seems like [TS]

  things like that we can begin something [TS]

  else keep working out in the uranium [TS]

  mine or something [TS]

  yeah writer if you're gonna make ya if [TS]

  you're gonna make dumbots and smart bots [TS]

  you get the smart pots like willow we [TS]

  wispy elf bodies [TS]

  it's a lot like the Grays John I think [TS]

  they're not erin gray but i think it's [TS]

  like the greys and that they give us as [TS]

  much as they think we can handle who the [TS]

  computers sure I mean any of them I mean [TS]

  I at this point on it was different you [TS]

  know which in turn oof oh well who [TS]

  doesn't mean the thing is I feel like [TS]

  we're already and this is going to be [TS]

  it's going to blow your mind a little [TS]

  bit it's going to blow some minds but [TS]

  we're already like like Skynet you know [TS]

  as soon as good as gone gone live [TS]

  already kind of this giant AI that [TS]

  controls everything that's bad [TS]

  I yes Kyle net let me leave with the [TS]

  ratio for this kind of become self-aware [TS]

  rate and self-awareness automatically [TS]

  translates to a kind of matrix C human [TS]

  beings end up in goo in pods in an [TS]

  infinitely large warehouse and somehow [TS]

  they become energy creators if you feed [TS]

  human body apparently yeah if you feed [TS]

  human bodies some kind of group [TS]

  yeah you put you put them in jello and [TS]

  then you make an orchard of our neos [TS]

  Aaron that can be a battery for the [TS]

  robot planet a battery exactly so you [TS]

  plug some kind of plug into their spine [TS]

  and then somehow humans create or store [TS]

  more energy than they use I didn't know [TS]

  that about humans [TS]

  it seems to defy the laws of [TS]

  thermodynamics right i mean if you give [TS]

  any person I know food they typically [TS]

  generate less electricity and more poop [TS]

  than you might think you can see the [TS]

  matrix though is that you have to keep [TS]

  them alive in jello in order for them to [TS]

  produce the energy you gotta get my TV [TS]

  show to watch which is life right are [TS]

  saying I see also so it's there it's the [TS]

  brain energy they're harvesting ik must [TS]

  be a single mother of his damage [TS]

  electricity generated but that scale [TS]

  also that that whole facility doesn't [TS]

  seem particularly efficient right [TS]

  there's a lot of space in between maybe [TS]

  it's like a start-up maybe they're built [TS]

  out for for a lot more people [TS]

  OIC actually have recruited sure it's [TS]

  like what they say about your fat is [TS]

  that your few you get you you [TS]

  I've heard a lot of conflicting rumors [TS]

  about fat I'll believe whatever you say [TS]

  but if you think you you make a certain [TS]

  amount of fat of globs of yourself that [TS]

  look like sort of grapes they look like [TS]

  grapes made out of hummus if I can [TS]

  revisit the the hummus notion i think a [TS]

  lot of things inside the body are [TS]

  essentially Thomas spaced ok and if [TS]

  you're creating like clusters of fact [TS]

  grapes [TS]

  yeah clusters of hum Thomas field fat [TS]

  grapes and then what happens is if you [TS]

  lose weight the fat grapes get small if [TS]

  you gain weight the fat grapes get big [TS]

  but there's nothing that changes the [TS]

  number of fat grapes you have [TS]

  interesting so it's like an infinite [TS]

  number of water balloons not infinite a [TS]

  finite number to find a row of what [TS]

  water balloons [TS]

  yeah but like if you're trying to let's [TS]

  say you've created all these fat grapes [TS]

  fat grape clusters [TS]

  yeah you can lose all the way you want [TS]

  but those grapes are just waiting there [TS]

  oh the pocket smaller but still pie yeah [TS]

  so matrix go back to the matrix [TS]

  warehouse [TS]

  yes your there's room for a lot more fat [TS]

  grapes in there or room for those the [TS]

  grapes that are there [TS]

  ok to grow [TS]

  oh ok so what happens if you feed those [TS]

  humans growth hormone and then create [TS]

  like mondo humans if i remember [TS]

  correctly and I i misremember a lot [TS]

  about the matrix i forget for example [TS]

  how important landline telephones are [TS]

  removing the kind of critical to start [TS]

  like it was basically the year that [TS]

  everybody started getting mobile phones [TS]

  mhm it was the last year that that into [TS]

  independent bands released cassette tape [TS]

  demos yeah I was here yet i think was [TS]

  your nap started to probably intense but [TS]

  but yeah young person right now let's [TS]

  say young person what does that mean 15m [TS]

  mean they were born in 2014 [TS]

  haha even though DLO hello that's like [TS]

  watching the it's like watching 2001 a [TS]

  Space Odyssey 04 for us when we were [TS]

  anyway my god it's full of Millennials [TS]

  and um uh huh [TS]

  um it's Millennials all the way down but [TS]

  they would watch that movie maybe like [TS]

  what is the what what what are those [TS]

  things that they are why would there be [TS]

  a phone just on the street like that i [TS]

  mean i'm not giving Millennials enough [TS]

  credit of course they know about phones [TS]

  just as we knew about the electric plant [TS]

  they update their snapchat oh whatever [TS]

  that is so we can't do this you know [TS]

  what I I feel like we have to we have to [TS]

  make up concerted effort Berlin to just [TS]

  go to go gracefully into late middle age [TS]

  I've since this theme from you and I [TS]

  have to tell you are you mentioned i [TS]

  think last week how you were just gonna [TS]

  no no it was when you're talking to your [TS]

  friend damn well that's right old little [TS]

  damn young the show that's not this show [TS]

  of its kind of the show where you were [TS]

  basically what's funny [TS]

  where you were you were basically saying [TS]

  him you're gonna go gentle into that [TS]

  good night fuck that goodnight i'm gonna [TS]

  walk into it it's pretty gently that [TS]

  you're going to say I'm gonna quit [TS]

  complaining about my problems [TS]

  yeah i'm gonna erase them somebody said [TS]

  to me the other day that they thought [TS]

  bell bottoms were ridiculous looking and [TS]

  I remember the last time people thought [TS]

  bell-bottoms ridiculous-looking and I [TS]

  didn't like seeing 1130am is ridiculous [TS]

  yeah okay we'll just wait a while [TS]

  exactly well and also and also all [TS]

  fashion has become timeless now you got [TS]

  people wearing bell-bottoms you got [TS]

  people wearing tight pants you got [TS]

  people we're in the utility kilts [TS]

  George's there George there's no now [TS]

  there's no anything right [TS]

  yeah definitely but now there's no [TS]

  there's no now the only thing that's now [TS]

  is that somehow somehow the cult of [TS]

  menswear has agreed and this is the you [TS]

  know the greatest trick the devil ever [TS]

  pulled was to convince people that [TS]

  really short-armed suit jackets and suit [TS]

  jackets that end can fit your belt are [TS]

  really handsome and that's the [TS]

  contemporary style who write like like [TS]

  menswear now and I know you I know you [TS]

  follow the menswear pretty carefully [TS]

  pretty closely it means a lot to me but [TS]

  if you were to go let's say let's say [TS]

  for instance somebody said Merlin Mann [TS]

  yeah [TS]

  despite all your best efforts you need a [TS]

  suit to wear to a thing I had to do that [TS]

  you did I had to conduct a wedding [TS]

  about a month ago right I I needed to [TS]

  get a big voices so you got us a new [TS]

  suit [TS]

  I did Wow well I now I kinda want to [TS]

  hear about how that went [TS]

  you're going to be incredibly bored but [TS]

  did you go to the men's wearhouse nope [TS]

  my wife stopped by banana republic on [TS]

  the way home from trader joe's suit but [TS]

  oh I'm laughing like my dad [TS]

  this episode of Roderick on the line is [TS]

  brought to you by Casper one more right [TS]

  now please visit Casper dot-com / [TS]

  supertrain Casper is an online retailer [TS]

  of premium mattresses that you can get [TS]

  for a fraction of the price that you'll [TS]

  find in stores Casper mattress is a [TS]

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  I gotta know how this game works guys [TS]

  mattresses [TS]

  am i right the problem is you get a [TS]

  retail mattress from a store somewhere [TS]

  they can cost you well over fifteen [TS]

  hundred dollars American but casper [TS]

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  start at five hundred or a twin size [TS]

  mattress 754 full 854 queen-size and 954 [TS]

  their tricked-out king-size mattress it [TS]

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  bounce an outstanding matters and you [TS]

  know what turns out these are made in [TS]

  America to me to really understand why [TS]

  Casper's different you gotta look at how [TS]

  this whole mattress rocket works it's [TS]

  it's a mess it's a mess you do not want [TS]

  to go out to the outlet mall and go lay [TS]

  on a mattress and land on another [TS]

  mattress and there's some guy in a stain [TS]

  ty trying to talk you into something you [TS]

  want this 1i and you can't price [TS]

  comparing because they deliberately give [TS]

  them confusing names [TS]

  it's it's it's just it's the worst [TS]

  cancer is going to save you from this [TS]

  they are revolutionising ok the mattress [TS]

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  desirous consumer as for understand that [TS]

  buying a mattress online it can seem a [TS]

  little bit monkey balls that's my words [TS]

  they didn't tell me to say that but but [TS]

  they know this seems really work at how [TS]

  I'm gonna buy a mattress on the internet [TS]

  seems crazy but here's the thing [TS]

  buying casper mattresses completely [TS]

  risk-free offer free delivery and [TS]

  returns with any 100-day Pierre you try [TS]

  to sleep on this for 100 nights if you [TS]

  don't like it you just send it back to [TS]

  them to come pick it up for you you [TS]

  don't go lay on a bed for four minutes [TS]

  and decide that's how you want to spend [TS]

  a third of your life that is no way to [TS]

  live [TS]

  yeah really try this thing out that you [TS]

  know i've been using a using excuse me [TS]

  adult parts words here I've been [TS]

  sleeping the crap out of a casper [TS]

  mattresses for over a year i love it my [TS]

  lady loves that we all say so let's go [TS]

  sleep somewhere else is not a cast for [TS]

  mattress i safe eye on you [TS]

  it is the wrong kind of mattress my [TS]

  friend this is not shockingly well [TS]

  engineered made in America makes me sick [TS]

  i love my mattress it arrives in a box [TS]

  you carry up the steps just slid open [TS]

  the boot [TS]

  Molly and inhales and it turns into a [TS]

  mattress and you can do that yourself [TS]

  and have to go to the outlet mall gold [TS]

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  gotta check out the Casper mattress it's [TS]

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  these you want to make me happy [TS]

  go out you go to Casper calm / [TS]

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  dollars off the mattress can believe [TS]

  that [TS]

  what's going around you know that you [TS]

  want to sleep on a futon that that's [TS]

  like sleeping on a large sponge it's no [TS]

  way to live [TS]

  move on we're Americans here Casper calm [TS]

  / supertrain thank you so much for [TS]

  supporting Roderick on the line [TS]

  wow that's that's amazing i'm going to [TS]

  that is that's a fucking amazing wife is [TS]

  what that is amazing what but I'm very [TS]

  surprised now that i think about that [TS]

  you didn't get it from amazon prime [TS]

  you're laughing like my dad if I if I [TS]

  could I would ya know but let's what's [TS]

  kind of find out what this is the beauty [TS]

  part is my wife when she was roughly how [TS]

  I'm shaped or she mostly remembers how I [TS]

  used to be shaped you gotta write she [TS]

  got me sooo she brought home the suit [TS]

  was great i just had to go to the little [TS]

  tailor guy looks very tiny little tailor [TS]

  guy around the corner [TS]

  yeah it was great and he he he hemmed up [TS]

  my pants and then he insisted on fixing [TS]

  the length of my sleeve which I thought [TS]

  were fine but he fix those to $45 out [TS]

  the door [TS]

  wow that's a good deal now where did you [TS]

  go with the sleeps he went up right when [TS]

  up a little bit yes a little guy [TS]

  here's the funny part so now my part is [TS]

  I needed I needed as soon as quick and [TS]

  super boring i needed a suit i needed a [TS]

  tie i needed shoes and then there's the [TS]

  thing you always forget which is you [TS]

  need a belt [TS]

  oh you do need a belt so I apparently [TS]

  apparently it's gotta match the shoes my [TS]

  wife did all the heavy lifting my wife [TS]

  got me a suit on the way home from ben [TS]

  from from the trader joes she got me a [TS]

  suit she brought home i tried on I [TS]

  didn't try it on I just took it to the [TS]

  tailor and he made me try it on [TS]

  whatever it was got me attaching a cool [TS]

  time with sharks and fish bones on it i [TS]

  conducted a wedding in that tie and then [TS]

  you know what I did hate to admit this [TS]

  on the internet but I bought probably [TS]

  the most expensive fancy shoes I've ever [TS]

  bought in my life i don't i'm not i want [TS]

  you to mention this on the internet i'm [TS]

  excited about this i got pretty calm [TS]

  which called brogues those like because [TS]

  those cool looking brown shoes with [TS]

  holes in them [TS]

  Alan edmondson they're the most costly [TS]

  shoes I've ever owned in my life [TS]

  you got allen-edmonds like like Brody [TS]

  brokes yeah my boy she's very impressed [TS]

  those are those are handmade in America [TS]

  they are there gorgeous and they smell [TS]

  the whole house the small issues they're [TS]

  gorgeous they're amazing so that's all [TS]

  great i'm good i got a pair of socks i [TS]

  can repurpose right I do need a belt [TS]

  don't do socks to go through well maybe [TS]

  you do but yeah [TS]

  yes Jesse thorn I wear funny socks [TS]

  because on that guy so I didn't just go [TS]

  to amazon i didn't just go to Amazon [TS]

  with amazon prime [TS]

  I want the Amazon Prime now and I guess [TS]

  that my belt size and I said I had a [TS]

  belt delivered to my house in two hours [TS]

  what is amazon prime now a whole [TS]

  separate level of amazon prime [TS]

  yes so you're telling me there's [TS]

  something called galley you get legos [TS]

  delivered to your house in two hours [TS]

  there's something called amazon prime [TS]

  now so is there another thing that's [TS]

  like amazon prime now right now is it [TS]

  your card [TS]

  ok yeah that thing where Ricky J throws [TS]

  a card thru window and it's got a roll [TS]

  of toilet paper [TS]

  it's been there the whole uh I'm very [TS]

  impressed by amazon you know my mom [TS]

  periodically gets a gets texts that say [TS]

  right now there's a truck at the corner [TS]

  of fourteenth and madison and it's got [TS]

  steaks in it for fifteen dollars do you [TS]

  want them [TS]

  yeah that's that's it that's ok that's a [TS]

  scam what is well I mean I think it's a [TS]

  pretty well-known ok so guy comes to [TS]

  your door [TS]

  he looks pretty pretty clean because he [TS]

  listened at currently notices this is [TS]

  the first thing you want to look forward [TS]

  to go cause grandfather hey he's a clear [TS]

  all the way no man comes to your [TS]

  daughters listen I hope you can help me [TS]

  out of a jam [TS]

  I had a big order canceled at the last [TS]

  min [TS]

  it i have i got what five ten pounds of [TS]

  prime steaks out here huh like this is a [TS]

  known scam the stakes cam is the door [TS]

  snakeskin I've never forget about how [TS]

  it's a scam but i'm pretty sure it's a [TS]

  scam it's a little bit like my kids in [TS]

  the car I got a job interview [TS]

  yeah you've got you've got what happens [TS]

  i think as you get some steaks you buy [TS]

  stakes in bulk it's like buying a pound [TS]

  of pot in your head up into grams and [TS]

  you and you you're making profit on the [TS]

  margin [TS]

  mmm i get the sense this is that this is [TS]

  kind of a thing where you go to go to [TS]

  let's say you go to arby's let's just [TS]

  take for a moment the possibility that [TS]

  you would go to an arby's I think it's [TS]

  pretty good possibility if i ever went [TS]

  my wife wouldn't know let's just leave [TS]

  it at that [TS]

  uh we don't talk about arby's let's say [TS]

  well don't talk about arby's we tell me [TS]

  you tell me you're gonna go to your [TS]

  whatever you go to your grave or whatnot [TS]

  you're never going to have another beef [TS]

  and cheddar as long as you live [TS]

  this is the thing first rule of arbys [TS]

  club mhm [TS]

  you know timewise but here's here's the [TS]

  secret of our bees are you ready yeah [TS]

  the best thing at arbys is the chicken [TS]

  sandwich [TS]

  the best thing at arbys is that this is [TS]

  the new arbys yeah this is America's [TS]

  roast beef yes sir yes sir [TS]

  mhm you don't know that this is this [TS]

  can't be yogurt or this country's best [TS]

  yogurt [TS]

  no fucking way is this yogurt uh-hum so [TS]

  let's say you're at an Arby's you get a [TS]

  chicken sandwich [TS]

  it's great primarily because it the the [TS]

  chicken has been dredged in flour and [TS]

  then french-fried a kind of like a [TS]

  chick-fil-a right very much like a [TS]

  triple a and then some lettuce and [TS]

  mayonnaise goes on that's a great [TS]

  combination [TS]

  I know right and then it is simple it's [TS]

  nice and simple so you go to an RPG get [TS]

  your roast beef sandwich of course [TS]

  yeah right you have a look here I get [TS]

  three sandwiches and duplicated potato [TS]

  cakes when I go to arby's well instead [TS]

  of potato cakes i get Swiss cheese put [TS]

  on the sandwich that's nice i had Swiss [TS]

  right but uh then you get a chicken [TS]

  sandwich as a kind of like taste [TS]

  sensation that's for the table it's just [TS]

  that you're the table exactly so you got [TS]

  your sitting in your car you got three [TS]

  RB sandwiches and [TS]

  chicken sandwich I hate that I relate to [TS]

  send you so much you gobble the roast [TS]

  beef sandwiches because you have the [TS]

  last thing you want to do is get have [TS]

  those things get cold and then all of a [TS]

  sudden you can't even imagine how much [TS]

  this is actually how I eat almost 700 [TS]

  entrees and appetizers exactly once an [TS]

  Arby's sandwich gets cold the beef but [TS]

  what will call the beef right sake of [TS]

  the argument here that takes on the [TS]

  consistency and kind of mouthfeel of [TS]

  like like the labia of a dead raccoon ok [TS]

  alright so it's it's sort of it's like [TS]

  am it's kind of like i like i like a [TS]

  rodent lobby a stake them [TS]

  yeah right okay let's take'em remember [TS]

  stay calm stickers and once the real [TS]

  skinny and the frozen you throw him [TS]

  right into the pan and then they [TS]

  evacuate right in their eyes I don't [TS]

  think I do remember stay calm but I [TS]

  think you've told me about stickam and [TS]

  so I have a kind of your tribe [TS]

  fluffernutter stickam steakums were [TS]

  pretty good and but they're SuperDuper [TS]

  cheap they're basically they're like [TS]

  here's the thing if you have you ever [TS]

  seen like what a block we talked about [TS]

  this you we've talked about this cheese [TS]

  parties block which is gelatinous don't [TS]

  tell me about the armies but don't want [TS]

  your own block go to room temperature [TS]

  definitely go to fucking arbys [TS]

  temperature or it's going to turn in [TS]

  till to like lobby already Coon gelatin [TS]

  it's a gel it's a gel it's a gel it's a [TS]

  hardened gel that is flash-fried yeah [TS]

  and when you slice it but the thing is [TS]

  when you think about slicing a roast [TS]

  beef you think about all i have this big [TS]

  roast beef that I made I'm gonna slice [TS]

  into slices from the integrity of the [TS]

  the initial primary Rose you got a case [TS]

  here got a beef integrity [TS]

  this is closer to like the cabinets on a [TS]

  vanity in a mobile home that kind of [TS]

  particle board accepts particle beef [TS]

  well sure you slice it with a laser or [TS]

  with the with like a sawzall yeah you [TS]

  slight well yeah that's exactly right [TS]

  you slide I think you so I think what [TS]

  happens is you take a piano wire and [TS]

  then you slice the gelatin with um ok [TS]

  but but but my experience of the [TS]

  chickens [TS]

  lunch at arbys is that this thing is the [TS]

  best thing on the menu the rest of the [TS]

  food at arbys you're taking your life in [TS]

  your own hands [TS]

  you know what you're doing and I mean [TS]

  yeah you know what she did [TS]

  it's a bet you do know what you did and [TS]

  you're a bad boy and you know that [TS]

  you're not gonna tell anybody went to [TS]

  arby's you're not gonna tell your wife [TS]

  you can put on pinterest and I'm gonna [TS]

  put it on pinterest you're not going to [TS]

  go on Twitter and say I want to RB [TS]

  uh-huh [TS]

  because you're going to get more [TS]

  comments than that the the circumcision [TS]

  article in The New York Times yeah I [TS]

  incidentally written by a Jewish guy who [TS]

  is like full disclosure [TS]

  this is part of my culture we're coming [TS]

  back to circumcision don't worry about [TS]

  that met all these comments that were [TS]

  like clientes Medicare like a little bit [TS]

  like in something in some ways it was [TS]

  hey all religion is is a his bunk so I'm [TS]

  sure you get some of that in comments [TS]

  yeah you're robbing it turns into a [TS]

  briefcase but my so I have this terrible [TS]

  i had this terrible reaction for this [TS]

  terrible moment of clarity where I was [TS]

  sitting in my car and I was following up [TS]

  my three arbys roast beef sandwiches [TS]

  with my delicious chicken sandwich the [TS]

  bed that's really the answers you're [TS]

  looking forward to this is a [TS]

  multi-course sandwich meal that's right [TS]

  i'm trying i'm actually just plowing [TS]

  through these roast beefs uh-huh to get [TS]

  to the ps2 races start and then I get to [TS]

  the ps2 racist and I'm enjoying it and [TS]

  then I think of all the articles i've [TS]

  read about chickens all the terror that [TS]

  that's a terrible time to think of that [TS]

  challenge it's the worst time to think [TS]

  of it because there is no good story of [TS]

  American chickens and if there is if I [TS]

  me if American chickens have a good [TS]

  story it is not at any point going to [TS]

  touch an arby's yeah you know what I [TS]

  mean like do I do [TS]

  they're getting their chicken right from [TS]

  Purdue and it's coming to them probably [TS]

  in a pocket like literally in a pipeline [TS]

  like the chicken arrives in a pipe like [TS]

  a tap right like it's like you get those [TS]

  trucks to come and pick up your talent [TS]

  Greece it's the opposite they just they [TS]

  just have a host probably 6 8 inch hose [TS]

  full of quarters called chicken for now [TS]

  that they blow into the armies into the [TS]

  containment facility i cannot think [TS]

  that is not true because remember the [TS]

  whole pink slime problem okay auntie I [TS]

  do well think about how many chicken [TS]

  breasts get sold every year versus how [TS]

  many breasts are on a typical chicken [TS]

  all I've thought about this [TS]

  yeah I thought about this with baby [TS]

  carrots baby carrots are a fucking scam [TS]

  first of all this is very quick [TS]

  it drives me nuts been at baby carrots [TS]

  right are basically big carrots that [TS]

  have been milled down to be small [TS]

  carrots know is really know there's no [TS]

  such thing as a baby carrot no come on [TS]

  they're taking those carrots out of the [TS]

  ground before they're ready to put on [TS]

  the lathe put on a carrot lays it makes [TS]

  a little carrot it's like a like a [TS]

  quarter no turn out like with the French [TS]

  French turning it's like that except the [TS]

  Machine does it but here's the thing [TS]

  they're not even trying anymore [TS]

  my uh my daughter eats tons of baby [TS]

  carrots but they're not even trying [TS]

  anymore they just basically cutting off [TS]

  the ends and they're still fat and then [TS]

  they break open and I hate it [TS]

  oh no it's awful what a good story i've [TS]

  written about an American carrot what do [TS]

  they do with the rest of a carrot [TS]

  ya see Michael Stipe says when you throw [TS]

  it away whereas away soy bomb' so that I [TS]

  did that hinder your usual so I'm [TS]

  sitting there and I'm thinking I want to [TS]

  eat [TS]

  typically i want to eat quality food [TS]

  that has never been in a hose they don't [TS]

  have a quick and even in my repose I [TS]

  think I'm i wonder how I'd like to eat [TS]

  if you're just sitting there it's been [TS]

  an hour since you ate and you can have a [TS]

  nice clear mind you're sitting there [TS]

  looking at the bagel you know I had my [TS]

  druthers I would choose not to eat [TS]

  things that have been shot from a hose [TS]

  yeah that's right you think I want to be [TS]

  the guy I want to be the person who is [TS]

  so bougie that he goes to the market the [TS]

  public market like he goes down to the [TS]

  farmers market where people are in [TS]

  butcher smocks and they have a and they [TS]

  look like d-day from animal house i love [TS]

  t-day right so they've gotta handle my [TS]

  favorite ash and they they're wearing a [TS]

  helmet right and you think they'd [TS]

  welcome to the first doll and just buy [TS]

  some fucking chicken no sir [TS]

  they're going to check out every place [TS]

  and they got a lot of questions that's [TS]

  right and that does have gluten [TS]

  does this have dairy has [TS]

  chicken ever been traumatized what is [TS]

  that what was the name of this chicken [TS]

  what was it studying yeah and then the [TS]

  guy behind the counter in the butcher's [TS]

  mark says that that chickens name was [TS]

  Harold mni / I found him to be one of [TS]

  the better chickens and on my on my well [TS]

  basically my velvet-lined chicken pen [TS]

  mhm and I've had a hand fed him hershey [TS]

  bars and then you're like I will pay [TS]

  1100 dollars a pound for this chicken [TS]

  like I want to be that person who feeds [TS]

  his children only food that was grown by [TS]

  peasants in on a mountainside [TS]

  its food you can stand behind food you [TS]

  can stand in front of food that you can [TS]

  stand next to with your arm around it [TS]

  and say mom dad [TS]

  yeah this is the food that I brought you [TS]

  visit my kitchen anytime you're going to [TS]

  see Harold and you can see the light [TS]

  that he's had in his in his velvet [TS]

  chicken kitchen is this is a chicken has [TS]

  had a good life [TS]

  what I don't want to do is be driving [TS]

  down the street CNR bees and without any [TS]

  control of my limbs pull into the drive [TS]

  through and before i can think about it [TS]

  i ordered three prospeed sandwiches and [TS]

  chicken sandwich before I can even think [TS]

  about it and then I'm sitting I'm [TS]

  sitting in the parking lot or i rejoin [TS]

  the road and never been inside that one [TS]

  of those one of those tables with you [TS]

  connected chairs [TS]

  no no I don't want to go and I don't [TS]

  want to be horsey sauce [TS]

  oh I just I don't because I because that [TS]

  requires that extra step of thought [TS]

  I'm back on the road I'm going 70 miles [TS]

  an hour and I've got three and I've got [TS]

  a roast beef sandwich in my hand and [TS]

  chicken sam took my lap and I'm not [TS]

  thinking about it and I just I just be [TS]

  mindful eating I me I got anything this [TS]

  own food [TS]

  I might even be on the way to with [TS]

  dinner where people are gonna serve me [TS]

  you Blake blanched kale and I'm like I [TS]

  gotta prep for this I totally I always [TS]

  eat before I go to dinner I'm gonna get [TS]

  I'm gonna get too cold to bully and some [TS]

  blanched kale and a kinda I'm gonna are [TS]

  my babies are appointed by too many [TS]

  quote-unquote dinners where dinner is [TS]

  two are exactly side was going to be and [TS]

  I'm getting weird and I'm getting a [TS]

  headache you get an Arby's on the way to [TS]

  dinner and you're gonna it's like it's [TS]

  like it's like it's like you doing your [TS]

  business before you go on a date [TS]

  same idea but it's like laying down [TS]

  I'm covering fire before you send your [TS]

  platoon in perspective into the fucking [TS]

  jungle [TS]

  thank you for your service so I but I [TS]

  had this I just had this terrible [TS]

  thought of these chickens were there [TS]

  where their little talents are growing [TS]

  into the cages and they're pecking each [TS]

  other to death and no and every once in [TS]

  a while somebody opens the garage door [TS]

  and hit some with a with a like turned [TS]

  on a fire hose but it's just cover it's [TS]

  just hosing out antibiotics yeah and you [TS]

  think how did I get to how did I get [TS]

  here [TS]

  yeah is there a lower place I guess I [TS]

  mcdonalds make nugget probably is lower [TS]

  down [TS]

  it's the it's the stuff that comes out [TS]

  of the chicken hose there at the end of [TS]

  the day you know right that was the [TS]

  innovation was the the Nugget person [TS]

  figured out that all these other parts [TS]

  that we previously just waste [TS]

  there's a way to turn these into [TS]

  something we give our kids with the [TS]

  winner's prize he the prize isn't justin [TS]

  mcnugget who also get a little plastic [TS]

  thing in a plastic thing it's not it's [TS]

  not it's not a good feeling [TS]

  Marvin you're stronger hale and hearty I [TS]

  do i do fine i do you think you've been [TS]

  eating in some in some ways some people [TS]

  would say pure garbage [TS]

  yeah i'm just trying to cut down the [TS]

  bread I the garbage garbage protein you [TS]

  know I'm trying to be more advisable [TS]

  about you know the thing is this [TS]

  affecting my life that I can't tonight i [TS]

  don't have a name for this you could get [TS]

  paleo Atkins all have the terms of art I [TS]

  know that if I eat a lot more protein [TS]

  and a lot less of almost everything else [TS]

  except vegetables I feel markedly better [TS]

  like within two days yesterday morning I [TS]

  had to cook hamburger patties for [TS]

  breakfast and had a great day [TS]

  yeah I you know I started seeing a [TS]

  doctor [TS]

  yeah right i went to the doctor one time [TS]

  you had the-they working your sebaceous [TS]

  cyst well before that I went to the [TS]

  doctor one time he he talked to me he [TS]

  did that doctor thing was like Europe [TS]

  looked at the Charlie said you're a [TS]

  musician I was like that's right doc he [TS]

  looked back at the chart then he looked [TS]

  at me again trying to make sense of it [TS]

  but he you know he took my blood [TS]

  pressure he asked me some questions [TS]

  he you know so this is went to the [TS]

  doctor one time and went to the doctor [TS]

  to times and I went to the doctor three [TS]

  times and at that point Fugees song [TS]

  yeah but but I but what i want haha what [TS]

  I want to know so i go to him and I want [TS]

  some reassurance and I say well let go [TS]

  to the doctor you wanted to him he gave [TS]

  me plenty of reassurance he said you [TS]

  don't have prostate cancer you just you [TS]

  just don't get why you're so not looking [TS]

  for a while I'm surprised you're not [TS]

  more of an athlete because you're so fit [TS]

  i want to hear you're mostly ok is what [TS]

  I hear it's exactly what you want to [TS]

  hear when you go to the dentist it's [TS]

  like well your gums haven't received [TS]

  that much you can floss more but you're [TS]

  mostly ok I would take that every time [TS]

  like okay great [TS]

  I don't want to go to the dentist and [TS]

  have the woman say well your teeth are [TS]

  the color of coffee now I don't care get [TS]

  there put me on a course of chemo god [TS]

  forbid but if they went out what I don't [TS]

  care how bad off i am I still want them [TS]

  to say you're mostly okay you're really [TS]

  okay take these pills and shop for this [TS]

  appointment but so here's what the [TS]

  doctor says I'm like when i try to you [TS]

  know I don't need a lot of bread above [TS]

  and he gets this look on his face it's [TS]

  basically the look of somebody who's [TS]

  about to tell me that circumcision is [TS]

  bad [TS]

  yeah and oh wait a minute I look up I [TS]

  look up on the wall and there's a little [TS]

  body board in the shape of a of a infant [TS]

  made a little bit of molded plastic it's [TS]

  the first time I've ever seen one of [TS]

  these him to the doctor about a bunch [TS]

  got a molded baby figure here's a molded [TS]

  baby it's like a gravy boat for babies [TS]

  and I look up at it and I'm like he [TS]

  comes in and I've been looking at this [TS]

  thing and I say hey Doc you gotta tell [TS]

  me what is this little baby bucket but [TS]

  like shaped it's like a it's like if you [TS]

  were going to marinate a baby I'm like [TS]

  what is this thing and he's like oh [TS]

  that's a circumcision bored you put the [TS]

  baby in the in the baby shaped bucket [TS]

  uh-huh and you can you can snip him [TS]

  oh and then I look up and there is [TS]

  there's a yellow stain in the pp area [TS]

  mm and I'm like doc that's gross and he [TS]

  says no no no we use a yellow a kind of [TS]

  antiseptic i'm looking at this thing [TS]

  right now this is horrifying [TS]

  it's almost like a tex avery baby shape [TS]

  thing [TS]

  yeah with start this other site at first [TS]

  glance it looks like something for child [TS]

  safety [TS]

  yeah but it's you put a baby in it and [TS]

  it's got velcro straps you stop the kid [TS]

  into this thing that lets me look at my [TS]

  daughter would mix her paints in exactly [TS]

  this was a baby its kind of medieval [TS]

  looking the baby's not gonna be [TS]

  comfortable in this place unless you'll [TS]

  lay down some unless you put some flow [TS]

  fluffernutter in there and then they [TS]

  apparently hos hos the baby's a little [TS]

  peepee down with some yellow [TS]

  disinfectant and then whack and it's [TS]

  he's got a special little little place [TS]

  for me and he hangs on the wall like [TS]

  it's a like it's a clock [TS]

  yeah it gets up high to I've never seen [TS]

  it before so I say to him after this [TS]

  conversation I say yeah I try to you [TS]

  know gluten and sugar and some work he [TS]

  gets this look this bit like this vac [TS]

  sir look a doubter and he goes you know [TS]

  what all that's baloney and I'm gonna [TS]

  really really but I knew it was going to [TS]

  say that because you know doctors don't [TS]

  know everything cool and he says yeah I [TS]

  mean you know you with your body once if [TS]

  you want to once a breaded to it's not [TS]

  gonna you know the number of people that [TS]

  are truly sensitive to gluten is this [TS]

  tiny fraction oh this is a triple turns [TS]

  out i've heard that is totally true [TS]

  yeah right first i've heard people say [TS]

  there's like one percent of population [TS]

  has the celiac is a non-celiac they're [TS]

  all incredibly where if you feel better [TS]

  not eating bread don't eat bread but but [TS]

  you don't have to make a thing out of it [TS]

  yeah it's not it's not you don't have to [TS]

  bring your A your comfort animal on the [TS]

  on the plane just you know just because [TS]

  you don't like being on airplanes right [TS]

  did you see the woman that brought that [TS]

  yeah if you haven't seen this you're [TS]

  gonna love it [TS]

  woman brought up a full-grown turkey [TS]

  comfort turkey creek comfort turkey [TS]

  and she had a plushie and a plausible [TS]

  story or her husband died she bonded [TS]

  with this turkey that's nice because [TS]

  that you know the turkey brought her [TS]

  solace [TS]

  yeah sure then she was going to go visit [TS]

  some relatives and she just felt like [TS]

  separated from the turkey she was going [TS]

  to be a little bit when she got to the [TS]

  hell is a live Turkey right John it's a [TS]

  full live Turkey which you know when it [TS]

  had it up it had its own seat on the [TS]

  plane and there's some lovely photos of [TS]

  the term this turkey uncompressed ending [TS]

  looking out the window [TS]

  it's gonna go i'm not i couldn't fall [TS]

  turkey Turkey you know and turkey can [TS]

  tell a lot to process even for a [TS]

  protective Cup [TS]

  I don't care if it is a comfort turkey [TS]

  Turkey turkey is brain can distinguish [TS]

  on a worm from a rock about six sixty [TS]

  percent of the time and it and it's made [TS]

  to it's a Turkey's made to periodically [TS]

  eat rocks right because that helps with [TS]

  digestion well and all yeah right and [TS]

  God new like if I don't make it if I [TS]

  don't make my gonna make this really [TS]

  simple for the turkey yeah well making [TS]

  contingency within this turkey curry is [TS]

  not a lot going to learn about like [TS]

  health shakes on its own [TS]

  I should probably make it so that no [TS]

  periodically when he rocks it's gonna or [TS]

  just like accidentally rocks are looking [TS]

  a rock and go that and so here's this [TS]

  turkey and he's looking out the window [TS]

  of a of this airplane at 30,000 feet and [TS]

  I just I'm trying to picture what is [TS]

  going through his fucking Turkey mind [TS]

  and then you know the lady next times I [TS]

  guess given him hugs and stuff yeah that [TS]

  mean to you know she's comforting the [TS]

  turkey they got a lot maybe that gives [TS]

  her comfort right now sometimes it's [TS]

  nice [TS]

  that's really giving comfort mhm I'm [TS]

  trying I'm trying to teach my kid that [TS]

  but she does not get it [TS]

  my cake it is hard to be depressed when [TS]

  you're helping another person i told my [TS]

  daughter that is very true if you're [TS]

  feeling sad help someone else [TS]

  oh I wanted I want to try and i want to [TS]

  suggest that to my own kid who just [TS]

  recently has started to say daddy why [TS]

  don't you move [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  I can only honest [TS]

  question question daddy what why don't [TS]

  you just move and I'm like moved to a [TS]

  different house and she's like no move [TS]

  to New York and I said move to New York [TS]

  with you know I'll stay here with Mama a [TS]

  boy that's a that's a provocative [TS]

  question [TS]

  yeah and i'm like what I answered you [TS]

  have a good reason why i said well [TS]

  sweetie I would you would I wouldn't be [TS]

  around then she's like yeah I know [TS]

  wow I'm like just thought about this I'm [TS]

  like you are you are you like running [TS]

  this by me to see what I do and she's [TS]

  like well I mean you know you don't have [TS]

  to be here [TS]

  oh you could damn you can just and I [TS]

  said what you want me to send you videos [TS]

  and she said you could send Nana videos [TS]

  are and then every once in awhile just [TS]

  trying to make this easy on you [TS]

  I'm like right so my mom wants a video [TS]

  from me more often than my kid does is [TS]

  her that's her cosmology I'm like well [TS]

  alright maybe we're going through a [TS]

  thing right now we're or maybe she just [TS]

  like realizes how superfluous daddies [TS]

  are ya [TS]

  and she just wants to get down to brass [TS]

  tacks like--look you're not you don't [TS]

  give me food any better than anybody [TS]

  else gives me that she get away with [TS]

  more with other caregivers who who does [TS]

  she ever [TS]

  oh really yeah so maybe that's it [TS]

  ok this includes the two primary [TS]

  auxiliary females others will all be [TS]

  everybody else everybody else in the [TS]

  clan [TS]

  uh-huh is female except for like a step [TS]

  grandpa who's a wonderful wonderful [TS]

  wonderful step grandpa but uh but he's [TS]

  one of those doting step grandmas who [TS]

  does the like gets down on the floor and [TS]

  plays cars with there for hours [TS]

  whoo the thing that's like pretty I mean [TS]

  a pretty great effort for a [TS]

  seventy-five-year-old it's really boring [TS]

  uh-huh and they don't know seriously [TS]

  four-person right playing anything for [TS]

  that long is really boring [TS]

  well here's if they don't they don't [TS]

  have they have cars they have toy cars [TS]

  up there at grand grand parents house [TS]

  but they don't have little [TS]

  figures so they use marbles as people so [TS]

  how do they coax the kid into being that [TS]

  creative beat me they just start driving [TS]

  around with marbles in the cars and the [TS]

  liner wanna play with figures if they're [TS]

  not the same scale i agree with her [TS]

  you can't the big Wolverine a little [TS]

  Wolverine together Oh unless there's [TS]

  much there is a plausible story where [TS]

  the big Wolverine is the daddy and the [TS]

  little warmer regions the baby that's [TS]

  actually really sweet she's never seen [TS]

  dr. shrinker boy this is super [TS]

  interesting so she's got an exit [TS]

  strategy for you it sounds like yeah [TS]

  right she is trying to shuffle me off to [TS]

  Buffalo she's got the little she's got [TS]

  the hook and it's coming from offstage [TS]

  and I'm like mammy mammy and they're [TS]

  like that and this is just what you know [TS]

  about now [TS]

  you don't know what else could have been [TS]

  in the works for a while this is you [TS]

  just hearing about it now who knows who [TS]

  knows where this idea got into her head [TS]

  and who knows what she thinks is gonna [TS]

  happen but the way she's thought it [TS]

  through [TS]

  if daddy's out of the picture then life [TS]

  is improved somehow and I think it's [TS]

  improved by the fact that no one will [TS]

  ever say no again who but that's pretty [TS]

  sophisticated you know she's like she is [TS]

  she's got a vision board and that vision [TS]

  board is covered with pictures of miley [TS]

  cyrus and no pictures of one direction [TS]

  if she has a Pinterest and it has one [TS]

  photo of you and you're on a plane with [TS]

  your comfort turkey he exactly right [TS]

  with my arm around a comfort turkey an [TS]

  Arby's sandwich in my mouth and I'm [TS]

  going elsewhere [TS]

  I like see you later don't let the [TS]

  doorknob pitch in the air [TS]

  yeah so I'm a little bit i have to say a [TS]

  little disconcerted because up until [TS]

  that point I felt like we had a we had a [TS]

  good arrangement which was that every [TS]

  time she did something bad [TS]

  I said no but she's got it all figured [TS]

  out [TS]

  I think she's probably gonna start [TS]

  planting the seed and in other people in [TS]

  the family's minds [TS]

  wouldn't it be kinda good if daddy moved [TS]

  yeah i mean and really if it's as [TS]

  permissive environment as you make it [TS]

  sound for around other people [TS]

  there's really this is one person here [TS]

  we need to gather this soon he might be [TS]

  happier New York with this turkey well [TS]

  and i don't i'm not saying that it's [TS]

  necessarily permissive as much as it is [TS]

  that there are no consequences [TS]

  oh its ramifications sure so there are a [TS]

  lot of people saying like tisk tisk when [TS]

  she for instance throws a pudding [TS]

  oh boy there's tsk-tsking happening [TS]

  there's even some you know there's even [TS]

  some sitting on the hard chair but as [TS]

  soon as as soon as you get this sitting [TS]

  on the hard chair others I mean that the [TS]

  chairs and even hard but I get hard [TS]

  compared to other chairs and it's known [TS]

  as the chair you're sitting with [TS]

  something goes wrong [TS]

  well it's known as the hard chair oh but [TS]

  I call it the hard chair just to [TS]

  reinforce even though there's a cushion [TS]

  on it to reinforce that they're sitting [TS]

  on this chair [TS]

  this is hard times but you know if she's [TS]

  on the hard chair and she goes I'm you [TS]

  know my butt hurts or something you know [TS]

  it's she can get off the hard chair with [TS]

  no you know with with me it's like we're [TS]

  sitting on a hard chair until well she's [TS]

  like she's my go-to drunk the keys the [TS]

  keys to the cellar right over here she [TS]

  just grabbed his I'm done being here [TS]

  yeah I mean she knows that she can't do [TS]

  that within the first 55 minutes of [TS]

  being on the hard chair but won't begin [TS]

  two minutes 6 who she's already you know [TS]

  that this is the thing she's working an [TS]

  angle at all times [TS]

  she's a negotiator and that's when a kid [TS]

  is a kid is an angle working machine out [TS]

  there she's just working angles [TS]

  yeah and daddys like listen I'm not [TS]

  negotiating how many jellybeans you're [TS]

  going to get after dinner before we even [TS]

  sit down to dinner all brother John you [TS]

  know my goodness this has become a [TS]

  problem for us is this is not a game i'm [TS]

  gonna play we're not talking about [TS]

  we're not talking about what's happening [TS]

  after the thing that we're still [TS]

  struggling to accomplish [TS]

  she's got grit you know she's got she's [TS]

  good somebody's gonna write in new york [TS]

  times article about her someday she's [TS]

  got what it takes [TS]

  she's got moxie she got moxie on the [TS]

  ball and she's gonna mock see her way [TS]

  right into some kind of she's gonna mock [TS]

  here we're invited to get moving daddy [TS]

  out and I was like what about daddy's [TS]

  house what if you never come back to [TS]

  daddy's house she's like that's fine i'd [TS]

  get me you know I'd probably get going [TS]

  straight for the emotional appeal i get [TS]

  Ruby I'd get she says I get Ruby I'd [TS]

  probably get a you know like basically [TS]

  honk and ribbon are already at nana's [TS]

  foo so all the reason these plush [TS]

  animals know their dolls [TS]

  ok like basically Ruby and what dolly [TS]

  maybe oh boo boo bear would go [TS]

  uh-huh and then she wasn't mostly [TS]

  residing your residence as that their [TS]

  residence halls at your house [TS]

  these are my these are my dolls I got a [TS]

  plan i got a plan for you and she would [TS]

  you know she would lock the door [TS]

  you know if she knew how she would toss [TS]

  the key in the bushes and she might like [TS]

  she might take some oil filled [TS]

  oil-soaked rags and stuff them in the [TS]

  fireplace flue she get up there [TS]

  ok here's what you do it could be one of [TS]

  the dolls your house it could be one of [TS]

  the auxiliary dollars in another house [TS]

  one of those dolls you put in the barn [TS]

  for a little while you know tell her and [TS]

  she's been that she's looking for for [TS]

  ribbon but or whatever you say oh you [TS]

  oh I guess I should tell you a ribbon [TS]

  ribbon now left for New York didn't [TS]

  leave a note [TS]

  roar and now she's gonna be all what you [TS]

  going to use some of that hard chair [TS]

  that's lost and feeling lost and you [TS]

  want to leave now [TS]

  right right you're going to work the [TS]

  emotional angle i think you gotta really [TS]

  gotta get that wedge in there [TS]

  yeah I think she would still say yeah go [TS]

  ahead sorry it hit the road jack m [TS]

  because when you're gone since you've [TS]

  been God donor I don't have to do any [TS]

  bad things known that since you been [TS]

  gone well Rose everyday cool yeah but [TS]

  she's got a lot figured out she does [TS]

  first of all I I I showed up late to a [TS]

  restaurant and she was sitting there [TS]

  with my mom already just [TS]

  three of us and she had already managed [TS]

  to order macaroni and cheese and get [TS]

  this goldfish crackers restaurants don't [TS]

  have goldfish crackers that's what i [TS]

  thought what [TS]

  but I'm like goldfish crackers Marlo [TS]

  cost one sent one cent for a grocery bag [TS]

  full of a goldfish crackers it's not a [TS]

  thing we get into restaurant week and [TS]

  broccoli side a railing and that you had [TS]

  it you had an item on your bill for [TS]

  goldfish crackers / yes they just [TS]

  brought by biases for the table [TS]

  no no it's like it yes the giant Bowl [TS]

  truck chex mix [TS]

  no it was uh it was like here's the kids [TS]

  menu you can pick an entree and aside [TS]

  and a drink and before I even arrived at [TS]

  the table she's like macaroni cheese [TS]

  goldfish crackers lemonade what and [TS]

  everybody your your mother allow that my [TS]

  mom's just sitting there just just like [TS]

  popping up at all [TS]

  there's nothing for your daughter to [TS]

  dislike in that what's the point of [TS]

  doing a thing unless there's something [TS]

  for your kid to be opposed to thank you [TS]

  precisely holy shit right there anything [TS]

  else you want to go right on a fucking [TS]

  slide [TS]

  yeah how about a milkshake you want how [TS]

  about there's a few things on here is [TS]

  one thing you really enjoy there's one [TS]

  thing you can tolerate there's one thing [TS]

  you hate that's going out to dinner [TS]

  vegas it's still you sit still with your [TS]

  hands in your lap like a gentleman [TS]

  yeah and if you if you brought a little [TS]

  talent man of some kind of little little [TS]

  tiny doll that's the size of a [TS]

  ladyfinger yeah you may you may keep it [TS]

  in your lap and quietly interact with it [TS]

  while we talk about the different routes [TS]

  we took across town to get their richest [TS]

  you know that's what my mom and your mom [TS]

  that's here that's your intercourse is [TS]

  the social intercourse with your mom [TS]

  yeah so what what route did you take [TS]

  right you guys are being on the route [TS]

  talk i want to end the thing is so [TS]

  should our shows so should my daughter [TS]

  she should be curious you should be let [TS]

  park up sit up sit up in that hard chair [TS]

  and listen listen to listen to the route [TS]

  talk [TS]

  the thing is if you don't learn how to [TS]

  talk about routes what are you going to [TS]

  talk about when you're growing up I've [TS]

  raising have an iphone 7 iphone well [TS]

  yeah you still got to talk to people [TS]

  right i mean a little bit at least [TS]

  oh it's important to learn small talks [TS]

  over people learn small talk like they [TS]

  used to [TS]

  usually not even just small talk but [TS]

  yeah it's small talk is the wrong works [TS]

  it's not exactly small talk is the the [TS]

  fucking cashier at safeway that I want [TS]

  to strangle who always wants to talk to [TS]

  me about my groceries and it makes me [TS]

  makes me insane she comment yesterday [TS]

  she commented on my shirt she had [TS]

  questions about my shirt [TS]

  well put up what did you want to know Oh [TS]

  pizza dog [TS]

  well what's that I said I said what I [TS]

  always say [TS]

  uh-huh just be very specific question no [TS]

  party tonight and I go what what what is [TS]

  pizza dog was just thinking a short [TS]

  about comic i see but you're not wrong [TS]

  to ask [TS]

  she's wrong and she's got completely [TS]

  untreated a.d.d which is the wrong kind [TS]

  of the I don't like to diagnose people [TS]

  John but this woman this woman is she's [TS]

  a dumpster fire as a cashier and she's [TS]

  the worst and she's all she asked about [TS]

  i think they tell them at safeway they [TS]

  tell them ask people about their items [TS]

  and congratulate them on their [TS]

  selections right oh this minute rice is [TS]

  really good at cooking like a minute [TS]

  thank you [TS]

  Oh goldfish crackers it you know kids [TS]

  love these oh my god thank you [TS]

  that's amazing so but that's part of it [TS]

  you know it's an ugliness but i do feel [TS]

  like there has to be what's your word [TS]

  friction there has to be a little bit of [TS]

  resistance and you know I'm not great at [TS]

  this I'm very indulgent person i'm a [TS]

  very indulgent father but I also know [TS]

  that even if things go perfectly there [TS]

  will always still be a breaking point [TS]

  out that one of those great times [TS]

  because I would have a good time too [TS]

  let's have now let's have a little more [TS]

  cake yay one more Bob's Burgers hooray [TS]

  but like it's all good ended tears [TS]

  that's how it always ends and knowing [TS]

  that you you're not going to forestall [TS]

  any child unhappiness and you're not [TS]

  going to create any child growth by [TS]

  creating an entirely conducive [TS]

  environment you have just said a [TS]

  mouthful [TS]

  yeah yeah lemonade really I time [TS]

  somebody got into her mind that lemonade [TS]

  was some sort of health drink my [TS]

  daughters had lemonade maybe thrice my [TS]

  daughter has still not had a coke or [TS]

  similar beverage she wanted she I almost [TS]

  got to try ice tea ones uh yes milk she [TS]

  drinks water and then she drinks like a [TS]

  fair amount of hot chocolate [TS]

  I start well see ok I chocolate has [TS]

  become kind of a staple in the house I'm [TS]

  not sure it's been a good move i see how [TS]

  it is in your family [TS]

  I I do not [TS]

  she's never had a coke right but she was [TS]

  drinking milk everyday at her age [TS]

  oh my god i had so many code you have a [TS]

  Pepsi drinker uh you know I took the [TS]

  Pepsi challenge once [TS]

  yeah i was on a i was on a hovercraft [TS]

  here you know your hovercraft somebody [TS]

  after the Pepsi challenge i was on a [TS]

  hovercraft we drink [TS]

  hovercraft we drink [TS]

  at the time I was drinking at the time [TS]

  and I missed out on boats times before [TS]

  right I have passed out on on on ferry [TS]

  boats yes okay but this is a this was a [TS]

  hovercraft i did not pass out on it [TS]

  ok I and i'm walking around it's a big [TS]

  hovercraft and someone says hey you want [TS]

  a Pepsi challenge and I'm in a different [TS]

  country right that should be evidenced [TS]

  by the fact that I'd am on a hovercraft [TS]

  yeah absolutely yeah we red flag also [TS]

  you know every every all those all those [TS]

  are distilled it made differently [TS]

  regionally everywhere [TS]

  oh sure the coke and pepsi have one [TS]

  place is not the coconuts you have [TS]

  somewhere else [TS]

  sure so Mexico mm well and they have you [TS]

  know they're made out of different water [TS]

  rights ocean where it's made out of coke [TS]

  water if you're Pepsi's made out of coke [TS]

  water right it's gonna taste like it's [TS]

  been filtered through a dead raccoon [TS]

  that's right so you have your Elkins [TS]

  dasani is owned by coke is not right [TS]

  that bacardi what am I thinking of the [TS]

  aspic rd party its bacardi water [TS]

  everybody's on Belgium now so that's [TS]

  right belgium owns America because [TS]

  Ramona's america i just learned that on [TS]

  now John Oliver so I'm going through [TS]

  this I'm going through this hovercraft [TS]

  like a girl says would you like to take [TS]

  the Pepsi challenge and I'm like listen [TS]

  to its i'm a i'm a USA American born and [TS]

  bred [TS]

  yeah i can tell a Pepsi or coke and she [TS]

  and her like a friend like I was that [TS]

  right you can tell a pepsi from a coat [TS]

  what's all this then well why don't you [TS]

  step up and do the Pepsi challenge then [TS]

  USA American and I'm like hey you will [TS]

  govern about a full of these tickets [TS]

  haha and and so you know I'm sitting [TS]

  there I'm feeling pretty confident and I [TS]

  take I take a little bit of the of the [TS]

  pepsi and without even taking a drink of [TS]

  the coke [TS]

  I'm like boom that's Pepsi [TS]

  I can tell I can tell from the smell I [TS]

  can tell dive diet coke from coke just [TS]

  from the smell of the answer vessel [TS]

  absolutely you can smell the [TS]

  effervescence so so the girl goes she's [TS]

  a little impressed right she's like [TS]

  we're taking a little drink of the [TS]

  energy is cheat her accent is basically [TS]

  Bob Odenkirk doing a British accent [TS]

  she's had a chimney-sweep backs and take [TS]

  and take a drink of the of the other one [TS]

  and see if you to judge music and watch [TS]

  the back and and and so I smell the [TS]

  effervescence and Mike it's coke it's [TS]

  coke puts and I was right I was like you [TS]

  know I basically took my nickel-plated [TS]

  pistol out dropped it on the floor [TS]

  because I didn't have a microphone [TS]

  yeah and said u.s.a America don't miss [TS]

  Wang chicken burger bang-bang-bang [TS]

  cheeseburger know whats around with me [TS]

  and you know and I you know I stepped up [TS]

  that hovercraft on the other end [TS]

  yeah and I felt pretty confident till I [TS]

  ordered speak spaghetti in a restaurant [TS]

  and they cracked a ride on know why I'm [TS]

  right back to square one here I just [TS]

  don't understand places Mike Mike [TS]

  confidence just what i'm running windows [TS]

  goodness of all the things you could [TS]

  choose to do on a given day [TS]

  this is this is something I wasn't [TS]

  prepared for the time is it with it was [TS]

  a Caesar salad to get confused no no [TS]

  they're just don't crack arriving on [TS]

  anything in Catholic in Calais it's a [TS]

  ryuk a raw egg hot food also i started [TS]

  to practice this technique after i got [TS]

  accustomed to it take any kind of hot [TS]

  food ya name hot food let's see how [TS]

  about lasagna crack a raw egg to crack a [TS]

  wry grin lasagna here comes the lasagna [TS]

  at steaming-hot lay it down and then as [TS]

  the flourish you put it down in front of [TS]

  somebody there like paper they pull up a [TS]

  chair they took their napkin into the [TS]

  front of your shirt there like makeup [TS]

  that the fork in one hand a knife in the [TS]

  other hand like one of those one of [TS]

  those drawings of God drawing hungry [TS]

  child adore drawing about [TS]

  guy that used to hang in the lobby of a [TS]

  fancy restaurant [TS]

  oh sure like at a BBQ sign exactly and [TS]

  you're sitting there like ready for this [TS]

  lasagna and then as the flourish you as [TS]

  the server book would want one-handed [TS]

  crasher [TS]

  well that's the beauty of that kind of [TS]

  expectation is that as you do it you at [TS]

  once perplex everybody about what the [TS]

  fuck you're doing but you do it with [TS]

  such ease and elegance that becomes [TS]

  clear that this is just the thing you do [TS]

  all the time just like this is not a [TS]

  weird thing here by check me out and put [TS]

  an egg on here now I i just ordered a [TS]

  pepperoni pizzas for the table it [TS]

  arrived at him before anything else [TS]

  happened [TS]

  boom crack a raw egg right on it do you [TS]

  mind if I get and they'll do that too [TS]

  they'll do that in Italy you get one of [TS]

  those little thin crust the Neapolitan [TS]

  pizzas and then it shows up at the table [TS]

  and you're like oh look at that way is [TS]

  that like the French coast [TS]

  yeah that's the French coast ok but all [TS]

  across Europe there i mean they don't do [TS]

  it in Germany in Germany they throw a [TS]

  hard-boiled egg on it [TS]

  oh yeah because it's much more efficient [TS]

  to boil the eggs separately but in these [TS]

  uh in the in the Latin countries the [TS]

  Mediterranean countries they're going to [TS]

  put a ride on it if you get got an [TS]

  arby's chicken sandwich they take the [TS]

  bunt off boom crown z alcohol zi hua [TS]

  cheese under no man [TS]

  that's gotta be how many times has your [TS]

  daughter confronted John how you should [TS]

  move just just the one time [TS]

  no this just began ok but once she got [TS]

  it going you know she's five years old [TS]

  and I don't whatever humor is on the [TS]

  spectrum like she understand if I say [TS]

  that we're gonna move and live in a [TS]

  garbage can that I'm joking and that is [TS]

  somewhat funny right but I don't think [TS]

  she's joking when she says daddy wanted [TS]

  to move to New York I think she's [TS]

  thought it through and and and it seems [TS]

  it not only seems reasonable to her but [TS]

  it also seems reasonable to her that she [TS]

  might suggest that and i would go oh [TS]

  right because it's been on your mind [TS]

  because it absolutely hasn't been on [TS]

  your mind [TS]

  well alright so in other words she is [TS]

  she just saying you look like you've [TS]

  probably been thinking about moving to [TS]

  New York that's okay [TS]

  or more like oh no I'm living the [TS]

  charade and ruin my daughter's like [TS]

  maybe she moved to New York yeah right [TS]

  like it's like it's us it's not a [TS]

  situation where she wants to collect the [TS]

  insurance no not yet but but it is a [TS]

  situation where she's trying to get the [TS]

  she's getting the stickler out of them [TS]

  out of the equation [TS]

  well okay but there's nothing funny [TS]

  about right like if she were eight years [TS]

  old [TS]

  well no cuz really of absurdity and [TS]

  cruelty are all that delights a child [TS]

  and surprise surprise surprise expect no [TS]

  surprise and in and cruelty and [TS]

  absurdity and you know absurdity is a [TS]

  kind of surprised [TS]

  yeah he's like a child for a very long [TS]

  time if you can if you can rip absurdly [TS]

  and can I rip rip absurdly oh it's a [TS]

  large do it for 20 minutes she's got [TS]

  she's begging for more absurdity [TS]

  well you know what we've got 200 [TS]

  episodes of us ripping ops absurdity [TS]

  kind of my strong suit a lot of ways [TS]

  well here let me ask you this if we're [TS]

  going to talk about the real topic let [TS]

  me ask you this [TS]

  see here's the thing that we noticed [TS]

  from very very early on as the two [TS]

  parents of a child and I imagine this [TS]

  has happened in most you know yet I [TS]

  don't say to parents shot now households [TS]

  but any anywhere where there's more than [TS]

  one person who deals with the child is [TS]

  they run hot and cold with different [TS]

  people in their life [TS]

  I can tell you that within a given week [TS]

  there's three different pariahs a week [TS]

  at my kids school uh huh you know and [TS]

  died from and sometimes it's her but [TS]

  there's so much to do know this this kid [TS]

  like all man we also do a takedown like [TS]

  this kid really flipped out and you look [TS]

  around the room and you can see the [TS]

  pariah [TS]

  you're the you're the pariah or the [TS]

  product but ok so cards on the table i [TS]

  think at least with our kid i'll say for [TS]

  myself that she mostly runs you know [TS]

  fairly warm with both of us but there [TS]

  will be a period where make even over [TS]

  the starting like in the afternoon will [TS]

  be a flip and for the next two days to [TS]

  two weeks she's worried more about this [TS]

  person that person but it does change it [TS]

  isn't though it isn't as though like I'm [TS]

  always the goat and she periodically la [TS]

  mama lot more but not me [TS]

  sometimes she's just really not into mom [TS]

  and I can do no wrong [TS]

  there's no telling when it happens why [TS]

  it happens but she'll just suddenly be [TS]

  way more into one of us I get that [TS]

  oh yeah I think that's what's going on I [TS]

  think we got a situation where she's [TS]

  trying to establish them she likes mom [TS]

  and she's trying to establish that she's [TS]

  successfully establishing that by going [TS]

  all the goodbyes going the whole hog [TS]

  yeah I'm saying not not only do i prefer [TS]

  mom I prefer enough that you can go you [TS]

  can get out your I take it you're just [TS]

  taking up your taking up space in Mom's [TS]

  uh imagination [TS]

  yeah it's almost like I was a little kid [TS]

  you know I remember this very clearly [TS]

  with my grandmother i would say could [TS]

  you please pass the salt should always [TS]

  pass me the salt and pepper is a grandma [TS]

  I've never in speed and pepper in my [TS]

  life and you just don't matter all [TS]

  please please get the a because the [TS]

  thing is when I actually still do this [TS]

  today somebody else for the salt and the [TS]

  salt and pepper that's not that's the [TS]

  polite thing to do [TS]

  apparently the thing is though it day I [TS]

  always wanted assault I never wanted the [TS]

  pepper [TS]

  I don't think that's the situation here [TS]

  I think you're both a different kind of [TS]

  salt [TS]

  it's just that I does there always have [TS]

  to be one who's up in one who's down [TS]

  yeah it may be an afternoon with your [TS]

  kid likes both of you [TS]

  well well I you know what I'm gonna work [TS]

  this out with her and you gotta mess [TS]

  with this kid you give that you've got [TS]

  to show her some things you've got to [TS]

  give her a little [TS]

  you know you just do a full-on christmas [TS]

  carol Honor I feel like what I'm gonna [TS]

  do is I'm gonna get down in her crate [TS]

  yeah and I'm gonna say is my crate this [TS]

  is michael haha Gibson learned you live [TS]

  here because I let you serve my pleasure [TS]

  madam [TS]

  that's right that's right ok I [TS]

  circumcision came up on a show the other [TS]

  day I want to see on Gilmore Girls real [TS]

  deep on Gilmore Girls right now and [TS]

  circumcision came up and i had to kind [TS]

  of explain what circumcision was now [TS]

  here's the thing for me I'm your girl [TS]

  still a contemporary television show [TS]

  um it's about 10 or 12 years old came on [TS]

  yeah it's a very good show is it being [TS]

  filmed [TS]

  still there's a new netflix netflix i [TS]

  think is doing another season of gilmore [TS]

  girls with most of the original cast [TS]

  oh yeah that's right sir sweet yup um I [TS]

  like it a lot and but anyway a was my [TS]

  point is not to interrupt you again but [TS]

  i feel like you know the long winters [TS]

  had a song on Gilmore Girls they had a [TS]

  lot of excellent and I will find out [TS]

  right now I have a place they can go and [TS]

  find this out there wasn't any prints [TS]

  brothers on the last one currently [TS]

  Buffalo appears as a character on the [TS]

  show [TS]

  oh that cab for cutie on the OC I [TS]

  remember that yeah yeah a real comfort [TS]

  career-maker you were like the cheap [TS]

  trick of livejournal you guys were [TS]

  everybody second favorite band uh [TS]

  everybody a different first favorite [TS]

  bands that you everybody second door or [TS]

  so favorite babysitter second or so you [TS]

  know I don't see it here but that sounds [TS]

  right that seems like see you in a car [TS]

  commercial right you're in a beer [TS]

  commercial [TS]

  II well we did that we did that [TS]

  wonderful beer commercial where they [TS]

  said where they said this was you know [TS]

  this was post post indie-rock consensus [TS]

  that it was okay to take filthy lucre [TS]

  but not all the way to like beer right [TS]

  because you know it's like taking it's [TS]

  like taking money from like [TS]

  right-to-lifers or something in a beer [TS]

  you don't want to take money from beer [TS]

  and so I got on manners records like can [TS]

  be exactly and so gas can be we you you [TS]

  you are bad you see inside of salt [TS]

  you should feel bad since all is that [TS]

  the Breaking Bad spinoff [TS]

  now come back to that one up for me what [TS]

  were you you're in a car commercial [TS]

  reactor set but some of your honor you [TS]

  yeah the beer commercial is the best [TS]

  really good morning fire island was that [TS]

  in a commercial [TS]

  yeah that was done that was in the the [TS]

  Fiat Fiat thanks again Tony but beware [TS]

  I you know I my first car was a Fiat i [TS]

  know but the beer commercial like they [TS]

  went the whole hog they paid me all the [TS]

  money and then they decided to go a [TS]

  different direction and did some other [TS]

  kind of parent [TS]

  why can't you get more of those did I [TS]

  tell you that a beer company reached out [TS]

  to me to write a song for them that and [TS]

  i went ahead and did it I without [TS]

  spending too much effort on it but i [TS]

  liked the result it was weird [TS]

  oh it was no it wasn't for a beer [TS]

  commercials crown royal what loud royal [TS]

  contacted me and said will you write a [TS]

  song for crown royal our our advertising [TS]

  idea is crown royal is the like [TS]

  high-class drink for lower-middle-class [TS]

  dudes because you know it comes in a bag [TS]

  like moose head you did you remember to [TS]

  remember because in a little drawstring [TS]

  bag [TS]

  yeah i remember one crown royal was like [TS]

  the fancy one absolutely if you showed [TS]

  up at a added after party at junior [TS]

  promise you that it's a blended Scotch [TS]

  is that what that is [TS]

  I guess I mean I mean you remember one [TS]

  Bushmills was the good stuff right [TS]

  uh-huh now those things I don't know [TS]

  Bushmills still considered the good [TS]

  stuff but the crown royal that's [TS]

  Canadian whiskey to blended Canadian [TS]

  whiskey crown royal mhm so they reach [TS]

  out and they're like his strikes right [TS]

  there [TS]

  we want to make this where advertising [TS]

  crown royal to like working guy [TS]

  but it's the fancy shit for working guys [TS]

  and so our theme our motto is for every [TS]

  King a crowd [TS]

  mm right there like we want a song that [TS]

  says for every King backgrounds [TS]

  that's like a mom like her level and it [TS]

  yeah it's like they're for every kick [TS]

  the crown and then a bull comes to [TS]

  forget about it until tomorrow for our [TS]

  freaking a crown and a bunch of guys [TS]

  with like wiping their hands on greasy [TS]

  rags and then somebody throw some shot [TS]

  glasses out there like ready i'm taking [TS]

  the whiskey out of the bag and then and [TS]

  then the velvet bag we're gonna use it [TS]

  for something else we're going to keep [TS]

  our attention days it's gonna be where [TS]

  we keep our our prototype are you know [TS]

  our are scraped scraper tools in so so i [TS]

  write this to go down in my basement and [TS]

  I'm like forever King the crown and i'm [TS]

  getting all like rawr and I do this tune [TS]

  that I think is pretty i mean it's it's [TS]

  really on the nose but I'm pretty proud [TS]

  of it I'm like yeah i wrote that song [TS]

  for crown royal let's hope they back up [TS]

  the money truck and so I send it off to [TS]

  him I don't what is it [TS]

  I don't wear something in my something [TS]

  but i got a blue my truck I don't [TS]

  remember what I said something great [TS]

  ok and and then a and then I end with [TS]

  the forever King ground ball never hear [TS]

  back from it not my head its remaining a [TS]

  little bit of the Lowenbrau remember [TS]

  that yeah is the good friends tonight is [TS]

  kindness better the beer / poor must say [TS]

  something more somehow [TS]

  remember the second verse i always go I [TS]

  to that is kind of special soon i let it [TS]

  be Lowenbrau ever gained ground tonight [TS]

  tonight is kind of special so never hear [TS]

  back from my don't even get a thanks I [TS]

  don't even get like wow that's amazing [TS]

  but just kind of not where we're headed [TS]

  right now like any one of those things [TS]

  when it made me feel pretty good about [TS]

  myself [TS]

  no that's weird and just like that you [TS]

  know thanks for your not even thanks for [TS]

  your little wasn't on spec or did they [TS]

  give you like a down payment for it [TS]

  no it was slightly back it was like [TS]

  throw us a tune about every king and [TS]

  crown and if we decide to give you feel [TS]

  all weak sauce with the sauce crown [TS]

  royal if we don't decide then you're [TS]

  just and that they hear the crazy thing [TS]

  is I don't even know if they went even [TS]

  if they went anywhere with this king [TS]

  crown from a thing i have you been [TS]

  I never saw any criminal and look and [TS]

  i'm looking probably not watching the [TS]

  micro dirty job show [TS]

  oh yeah looks like they did it they did [TS]

  everything around 2009 [TS]

  yep well maybe you should listen to that [TS]

  song and see which one they picked [TS]

  probably not as good as mine probably [TS]

  got kappa no that's that that's not the [TS]

  ding-ding ding-ding-ding ding-ding-ding [TS]

  i create crown [TS]

  no that's not the direction I day began [TS]

  I'm feeling down people think and King [TS]

  the other thing is that the ground the [TS]

  whole premise that a working guy is a [TS]

  king in his own house is not an ssl [TS]

  respect you know what i mean but that is [TS]

  not where they're coming from it all and [TS]

  someone else is wearing my crown now [TS]

  yeah dead cat would be like I looked [TS]

  inside the cupboard someone else's crown [TS]

  was there but they're they're not leave [TS]

  this coca-cola ads me time was every [TS]

  time we go the movies there be Ben [TS]

  Gibbard sinkhole that [TS]

  oh yeah yeah that was [TS]

  besides that's my daughter so you [TS]

  remember you met that man he came to her [TS]

  house that day and she looked at me like [TS]

  i was nuts [TS]

  you are nuts but here's a question he [TS]

  was a real talking to that day [TS]

  no he had seems that other things on his [TS]

  mind yeah he's a good-looking guy though [TS]

  very stall was just telling you you know [TS]

  when you see it when you see a rock [TS]

  musician who's like tall yeah it's [TS]

  always kind of shocking because of many [TS]

  rocks positions are small that Saul [TS]

  often smaller than that no it was the [TS]

  other person they're trying to remember [TS]

  what the other person there the guy [TS]

  who's in house house house I insulted [TS]

  his life I insulted you see the other [TS]

  guy there are no Chad Chad was chad from [TS]

  the showbox yeah you never insulted [TS]

  Chad's house itself to the other guy's [TS]

  house [TS]

  yeah but let me ask you a question you [TS]

  know that when you go to the movies now [TS]

  and they show the little red balls and [TS]

  there's the red ball that's sticking the [TS]

  straw in the giant coke [TS]

  yeah then try to make the red balls like [TS]

  represent this is a slasher movie he's [TS]

  wearing jason mask you get romantic [TS]

  balls right romantic balls you got all [TS]

  the balls that represent all the [TS]

  different kinds of balls [TS]

  yeah and there's only one girl ball all [TS]

  the other balls are either clearly boy [TS]

  balls or they are somewhat generalist [TS]

  balls but basically like basically they [TS]

  represent a boy balls [TS]

  yeah as in the inner in a situation [TS]

  where you are your time about like like [TS]

  sort of human balls [TS]

  yeah humanized balls you're going to say [TS]

  that a ball that isn't reppin as a girl [TS]

  ball is going to be like a generalist [TS]

  ball is by definition or by default a [TS]

  boy hundred percent yeah and so there's [TS]

  all these boy balls and then the one [TS]

  girl ball that's kind of right in the [TS]

  center like a Smurfette like it's [TS]

  basically smurfette smurfette of [TS]

  movement although balls him but i have [TS]

  to confess and I wonder if you've had [TS]

  this experience or if any of our [TS]

  listeners hand and i find that girl ball [TS]

  very attractive i almost always find the [TS]

  single girl anything very attractive [TS]

  yeah right Smurfette's pretty hot but [TS]

  this this girl ball just seems you know [TS]

  she's got a little got it just got like [TS]

  a little bit high-maintenance hair and [TS]

  you know she's got she just seems like [TS]

  fun but play football [TS]

  yeah she just seems like a ball you [TS]

  could hang out with doesn't take [TS]

  self too seriously as a ball yeah but [TS]

  cute right [TS]

  cute as hell yeah so I like she's sort [TS]

  of become the tinkerbell for me [TS]

  oh yeah of like when I go to the movies [TS]

  I'm kind of waiting to see here and just [TS]

  find some good pictures here there's not [TS]

  a lot there [TS]

  AMC has very very confusing their stuff [TS]

  is getting more and more confusing as a [TS]

  public pre-roll thing there hold the [TS]

  like the 40 previews mean when they try [TS]

  to be cute [TS]

  so they give you safety information but [TS]

  in a cute way and it's it's super [TS]

  annoying [TS]

  it's not quite at the level of the [TS]

  Virgin safety WI her she is like the [TS]

  back of her head here she's got kind of [TS]

  red hair she's got like maybe big [TS]

  earrings [TS]

  yup yup yeah that's her there's only [TS]

  like I'm wondering if you can rule 34 [TS]

  her [TS]

  mhm right there's probably some fan [TS]

  think about that ball there's gotta be [TS]

  some rule 34 about her and I would like [TS]

  to see it now that i think about it we [TS]

  should reach out to our audience if you [TS]

  may out there is making some somewhere [TS]

  porn about the red ball a specific red [TS]

  ball [TS]

  yeah but you gotta capture her essence [TS]

  right you can't just make you can't you [TS]

  can't screw it up right because she's [TS]

  pocket she's go along get along she's [TS]

  got her own mind about things but she's [TS]

  ball-shaped and she doesn't have any [TS]

  eyes [TS]

  that's right look so how you capture how [TS]

  do you capture her sexiness with no body [TS]

  and no eyes she's up she's such a visual [TS]

  of the ball and maybe no nose you know [TS]

  what I think i'm responding to its the [TS]

  hoop earrings [TS]

  yeah if you put a hoop earring on [TS]

  somebody i immediately think that i'm [TS]

  watching west side story [TS]

  h/o you thinking of the rain oh she's in [TS]

  the current address now feels fantastic [TS]

  she's amazing she's in a 3 latinas are [TS]

  singing in this commercial and she looks [TS]

  terrific [TS]

  I love her she's amazing she's truly [TS]

  great i heard her on an episode of Teen [TS]

  USA not too long ago she still she still [TS]

  but she's a pistol do you listen to [TS]

  Latino us [TS]

  ah I don't want to say you know we're [TS]

  going to build it so it's a low point in [TS]

  my Sunday when it went [TS]

  you know because there's such a great [TS]

  role on the weekends on kqt but yeah [TS]

  it's still it's ok but like it's you [TS]

  know it's the show of news and keturah [TS]

  yeah what'd you say news in Spanish to [TS]

  you know well [TS]

  neuza what is news in Spanish el news [TS]

  I've magical Torah is a term of art I [TS]

  bet it means a thing so it's fine but [TS]

  many eNOS um actually yeah no I listened [TS]

  to that I listened to that so yeah if [TS]

  anybody out there has any uh any ball [TS]

  fiction [TS]

  you know I because the thing about I [TS]

  don't want to get too [TS]

  I know you don't like to get too graphic [TS]

  or talk about sex i don't care but what [TS]

  I'm really the circumcision my daughter [TS]

  I can go anywhere at this point what's [TS]

  the number one sex thing you do with a [TS]

  ball [TS]

  uh you got you got ball gags you guys [TS]

  out when you got balloon people some [TS]

  people here that balloon people what are [TS]

  they do balloon people are the world are [TS]

  you curious [TS]

  oh yeah some people like it when ladies [TS]

  pop balloons [TS]

  some people like people inside of [TS]

  balloons and some people are just very [TS]

  into balloons being rubbed on their body [TS]

  like good John Travolta sighs balloon no [TS]

  no not a but not bubble more verizon I [TS]

  was thinking that you were gonna say [TS]

  they put an unplayed balloon inside [TS]

  their rectum and then inflated balloon [TS]

  but balloon a but balloon think about [TS]

  that if you don't want to put something [TS]

  that's already big something that's the [TS]

  size of a rounded off ball even if you [TS]

  get something that is what's the word [TS]

  I'm looking for [TS]

  not graded was there a taper even [TS]

  something taper could still be [TS]

  challenging but balloon can be of that [TS]

  stuff that's a friendly way to enter the [TS]

  mansion so take us right so take a [TS]

  balloon [TS]

  okay put it around a pencil yes right [TS]

  because you're gonna need something [TS]

  yeah then stick the balloon up there [TS]

  with the pencil kind of like a like a [TS]

  ramrod in a cannon em right you put the [TS]

  balloon all the way in there and then [TS]

  you get some kind of apparatus may be [TS]

  your friend or a friend maybe what you [TS]

  need a friend because I blow it up for [TS]

  you imagine you've got one of those [TS]

  frosting bags right a white bag that you [TS]

  know frosting bag [TS]

  the frosting on a wedding cake filled [TS]

  with hot put in I don't need to believe [TS]

  you got the frosting bag [TS]

  well I know whoa wait a minute yeah [TS]

  exactly right [TS]

  whoa you're the cupcake now well think [TS]

  about think about your lemmiwinks the [TS]

  call cupcaking and all of a sudden tidal [TS]

  wave of these things because of the [TS]

  photo that i sent you [TS]

  oh no I'm saying this because I'm [TS]

  thinking about that little girl ball the [TS]

  and what possible you should be shiny [TS]

  men are attracted to shiny things [TS]

  well after work oh you kidding me are we [TS]

  like we like crying grows we like to [TS]

  think we like symmetry we like shininess [TS]

  and we like read this feels very gender [TS]

  normative city [TS]

  yeah well i know i think it's just good [TS]

  that's just that's just that's just an [TS]

  observation [TS]

  so now this this thing that you sent me [TS]

  now you seeing that thing that i sent [TS]

  you know it's some kind of link that [TS]

  requires that I log into skype and i'm [TS]

  using skype right now I know this is [TS]

  like me watching HBO now and I have to [TS]

  watch ads for HBO on the HBO that i'm [TS]

  paying for before i could see the show [TS]

  on HBO Go google for a bunch o balloons [TS]

  google for bunch o balloons [TS]

  yeah what of for this is something that [TS]

  you mean forf oh you are [TS]

  hmm go to Google yeah and type bunch of [TS]

  balloons bunch this is something we got [TS]

  in our house this weekend and I have a [TS]

  feeling this is something you might want [TS]

  to go by like today [TS]

  alright okay okay see what it looks like [TS]

  no oh shit i put i put bunch of balloons [TS]

  into some sort of search window in skype [TS]

  and it just came up it just told me to [TS]

  login right [TS]

  skype go to the internet on your [TS]

  computer [TS]

  very good i remember the first time I [TS]

  met someone who use yahoo as their [TS]

  browser bar so Pancho balloons you see [TS]

  in its search you see it now i see [TS]

  official bunch of balloons as seen on TV [TS]

  it's good images of it Jesus Christ John [TS]

  how do you get anything accomplished the [TS]

  images here we go [TS]

  oh yeah whoa so here's what you do [TS]

  they're like fat corpuscles but made a [TS]

  balloon that's exactly right here's what [TS]

  you do you see how it got so basically [TS]

  what you're looking at here it looks you [TS]

  know roughly not an octopus but looks [TS]

  like a multi-tenant beast what do you [TS]

  usually 30 i think it's something like [TS]

  thirty three tubes at the end of which [TS]

  is a little balloon with a rubber band [TS]

  on it you hook this thing up to a hose [TS]

  or your calendar hose asleep during on [TS]

  and in less than a minute you have about [TS]

  30 water balloons and they don't require [TS]

  that you tie them offer they do you know [TS]

  here's what they do you ready yeah they [TS]

  pop off and sealed themselves and now [TS]

  you've got water balloons what it's [TS]

  incredibly blue through like 60 of these [TS]

  yesterday is the greatest thing is I got [TS]

  a walgreens was ten bucks at walgreens [TS]

  and it's like the greatest thing I've [TS]

  ever seen in my life [TS]

  why do I not have this already there to [TS]

  get this today thinking about how many [TS]

  things you could do differently if you [TS]

  could know you're always a minute or so [TS]

  away from having like 30 water balloons [TS]

  so for 1499 you can get a hundred of [TS]

  these that you can fill up a hundred of [TS]

  them in less than a minute that's what [TS]

  they say I mean that but yeah that's if [TS]

  you're really working at scale but look [TS]

  if you're having kids party you get one [TS]

  of those big bins right uh-huh you just [TS]

  run the hose and you can have it just a [TS]

  few hundred water balloons in no time [TS]

  now I know what people are saying yes [TS]

  it's late axe yeah it's bad for the [TS]

  environment yes baby can choke on it but [TS]

  for a grown-ass man to be able to have [TS]

  these kinds of balloons at scale think [TS]

  about if you were stuck in a hotel room [TS]

  think about if you were eight years old [TS]

  and you were stuck on the 14th floor [TS]

  from your mouth to God's ear if only [TS]

  there a way to get hundreds of paper [TS]

  airplanes you can set on fire if you [TS]

  could set a hundred paper airplanes on [TS]

  fire would that be better or worse than [TS]

  a hundred little tiny water balloons [TS]

  because you could wait until a whole [TS]

  group of businessmen were coming down [TS]

  the sidewalk and then just dump the [TS]

  whole lot of them and it would be water [TS]

  bullet and they would achieve terminal [TS]

  velocity right so they would hit these [TS]

  guys with a lot of prejudice but mostly [TS]

  indeed be a nuisance and not deadly not [TS]

  deadly but all these thank God for [TS]

  terminal velocity this is why cats can [TS]

  fall so far turns out terminal velocity [TS]

  terminal velocity [TS]

  blah blah blah Blee what it doesn't look [TS]

  like fun don't want to get this i want [TS]

  to get him and I want to find a cannon [TS]

  that will [TS]

  shoot them do you think if you put one [TS]

  of these inside a t-shirt cannon that it [TS]

  would explode by the force of the cannon [TS]

  if it was under inflated and maybe a [TS]

  slightly tighter rubber band i bet it [TS]

  would do fine [TS]

  so you have to find the exact amount of [TS]

  water to put in one of these that will [TS]

  enable it to survive a t-shirt cannon [TS]

  they get to be about the size of [TS]

  violence and infants heart they're not [TS]

  huge but they're pretty good-sized an [TS]

  infant's heart [TS]

  yeah that's fairly small a toddler heart [TS]

  ok toddler hard I know exactly how big [TS]

  those are you have with your chicken [TS]

  sandwich [TS]

  yeah basically chicken sandwich and you [TS]

  crack a toddler's heart right on it lava [TS]

  Tyler star for the table please [TS]

  but the thing about these though is that [TS]

  if they're 200 plated right they're [TS]

  gonna hit the businessmen at terminal [TS]

  velocity and that's not and they're not [TS]

  gonna break they're gonna knock them out [TS]

  his first set that we did was under [TS]

  inflated and they did bounce-a-lot yeah [TS]

  but they finally broke [TS]

  mhm I'm gonna get some more today [TS]

  they're really really fun the the fact [TS]

  that you have this air [TS]

  amazon prime no I'm going to walgreens [TS]

  but it turns out to be a little cheaper [TS]

  walgreens oh yeah but their best thing i [TS]

  ever bought a walgreens better than the [TS]

  better than my cape [TS]

  now I didn't buy that you don't write [TS]

  you still have your cape a course [TS]

  really yeah i love to see where in that [TS]

  again I'll send you a picture i'll send [TS]

  me a sext is that how that works I i'm [TS]

  not even sure I completely understand [TS]

  what a sex days i only know it from [TS]

  jokes [TS]

  well you wouldn't because of your [TS]

  married status okay right so you're [TS]

  saying I'm congratulations hakuna matata [TS]

  you're doing well not getting sexy i'm [TS]

  doing it right [TS]

  yeah or or yeah right i mean you're just [TS]

  like why would you need a sec that would [TS]

  be kind of creepy right to yet for me to [TS]

  be getting sex from somebody there's [TS]

  there's no way that's not creepy right [TS]

  that so there's a lot of talk about this [TS]

  but but i think the consensus is that [TS]

  it's that you would be cheating or or [TS]

  you know what's in your heart [TS]

  Jimmy Carter type situation lost in your [TS]

  heart precisely because the sex was the [TS]

  sex you say to somebody hey let's go [TS]

  have intercourse is that a sex or do you [TS]

  say my boobies are hot right now or [TS]

  something like what it was [TS]

  except sex the sex I think there's a [TS]

  whole there's a whole lot of it so that [TS]

  it's a range but i think definitely 32 [TS]

  best dirty talk [TS]

  externally talk or yeah hour or I think [TS]

  if you say like I bought a bag of [TS]

  balloons come on over [TS]

  I I don't bring your finger pastry [TS]

  squeezer I don't even think you need the [TS]

  come on over [TS]

  I think you can sex with somebody who [TS]

  lives in France I'll see you don't [TS]

  actually have sex to have a sext [TS]

  nobody'll sex thing it's like a phone [TS]

  sex thing but it is sexy enough that I [TS]

  think it trans grasses the line of what [TS]

  have you [TS]

  oh hi honey what are you doing and then [TS]

  you look over their shoulder and you're [TS]

  like you bastard yeah because and you're [TS]

  like oh she's in France but it doesn't [TS]

  matter [TS]

  Yeah right right because you're having [TS]

  some kind of your you know your that I [TS]

  don't really know what a sex is I think [TS]

  I'm probably safe unless I'm doing it [TS]

  without realizing i might be like when i [TS]

  send you things like last night okay [TS]

  for example i sent you for text messages [TS]

  yesterday afternoon right in a row about [TS]

  our episode we're doing to eat were you [TS]

  wondering at all why i was able to type [TS]

  that quickly you might have wondered how [TS]

  did Merlin type these four paragraphs so [TS]

  quickly i can tell you because i [TS]

  accidentally sent them to my wife first [TS]

  she said they did you think I was one of [TS]

  the johns and i said yes i did think you [TS]

  were one of the John's I'm very sorry [TS]

  and then you just straight-up copy and [TS]

  paste copy and paste so now wait a [TS]

  minute do you communicate with john [TS]

  deere Kusa the same way you do me in the [TS]

  same lexicon if you send him a text and [TS]

  you sent me a text you wouldn't be able [TS]

  to distinguish between them it was just [TS]

  the wrong as they say the wrong window I [TS]

  communicate about two to four times as [TS]

  much with John siracusa as i do with you [TS]

  oh really only because you guys have [TS]

  like a bromance i have a bromance I [TS]

  don't think he does is to rational have [TS]

  a bromance I you know I beseech you know [TS]

  he's somebody told just be texting each [TS]

  other they say he's like one of my mom I [TS]

  mean a relatively few friends i see but [TS]

  I don't have a lot of friends John I [TS]

  don't have sex and he things and you and [TS]

  I are past the bromance phase where [TS]

  you're sending me like text in the [TS]

  middle of the night that will bring this [TS]

  up because i'll talk about it i'll tell [TS]

  you that your mind filled the text with [TS]

  I I get scared I don't want to do it [TS]

  wrong [TS]

  you get mad if i doing wrong know maybe [TS]

  that's see everybody I know everybody's [TS]

  a different kind of prickly pear to text [TS]

  with you know we have mutual friends [TS]

  that are very perplexing the text with [TS]

  yes yes [TS]

  and lately if you send Scott Simpson a [TS]

  text [TS]

  it's like sending a text 2000 dad 000 is [TS]

  that right [TS]

  okay he doesn't get back to you he just [TS]

  doesn't reply to me i get a sometimes [TS]

  get a text out of nowhere from scott [TS]

  bring something like bro i watch that [TS]

  thing suggested it was really good bro [TS]

  ya know he doesn't blow me anymore and [TS]

  he used to bring me all the time you use [TS]

  the bromine be like what's up what's up [TS]

  I think he's pretty busy he worries a [TS]

  lot he works why i text with you [TS]

  yeah i texted you I texted asian with [TS]

  dan i text a fair amount withdrawn [TS]

  siracusa I text to all my friends uh max [TS]

  and Alex I text yeah I like those guys [TS]

  they're great they're great guys [TS]

  I am quickly detect with and you know [TS]

  someone 24-karat is doing it no no I'm [TS]

  sorry I'm not trying to be critical [TS]

  no I'm saying you're the soup nazi of [TS]

  texting I don't want to do it wrong i [TS]

  don't want to fluster you and sometimes [TS]

  you you come in very passionate with a [TS]

  passionate thing to talk about and I [TS]

  don't wanna I don't wanna provoke you [TS]

  provoke you unintentionally about [TS]

  something but by texting wrong and you [TS]

  think it's about a thing and not about a [TS]

  thing [TS]

  yep yep yep I somebody i did i tell you [TS]

  that somebody said to me the other day [TS]

  or I i asked i was walking down the [TS]

  street with someone you know I like to [TS]

  talk when I'm walking down the street [TS]

  and I said yeah that's right time you [TS]

  don't like too well but I mean pretty in [TS]

  particular like if i'm going to talk [TS]

  about something like let's go for a walk [TS]

  well you got a little circuit let's do a [TS]

  little walk and talk and talk [TS]

  so walking along and I'm like you think [TS]

  i have a sense of humor about myself I [TS]

  mean I obviously I have a sense of humor [TS]

  do you think i have a sense of humor [TS]

  well as you that you ask somebody to [TS]

  tell you that honestly [TS]

  yeah and there was a long pause and I [TS]

  was like oh yeah what's this about [TS]

  now I there's a reason i'm asking this [TS]

  question right I've got some doubts and [TS]

  and now there's a long possum you're [TS]

  looking a little bit something you [TS]

  wanted the doctor mostly okay yeah right [TS]

  i want them to say oh you can you've [TS]

  gotten into the supervisor and their [TS]

  long pause and then obviously if you're [TS]

  going to pause in a moment like that you [TS]

  know that the other person can handle it [TS]

  you're not jumping right in with some [TS]

  kind of like fill up the space with talk [TS]

  while you think about it right you're [TS]

  like I'm gonna give you a considered [TS]

  answer but I malicious too [TS]

  in it for a second em all they're [TS]

  thinking about I'm like what the fuck [TS]

  there's only one right answer to this is [TS]

  yes of course you have a sense you I [TS]

  mean what it means to me is that like [TS]

  not only is there not a simple answer to [TS]

  this that if there is a simple answer [TS]

  it's not the one that you want to hear [TS]

  and now they're thinking about thinking [TS]

  there's this so that's right there [TS]

  thinking about thinking and they come [TS]

  back with something very similar to what [TS]

  you just said what which was aa I don't [TS]

  want to get this answer wrong and I'm [TS]

  like all right it's like your version of [TS]

  do these pants make my butt look big [TS]

  right just even acknowledging that no [TS]

  matter how you answer that you're not [TS]

  getting out of that clear right and [TS]

  that's already there is a they've [TS]

  already like laid down some [TS]

  I mean there's napalm in the trees now [TS]

  and like and like go on basically [TS]

  confirming their fear right I'm like go [TS]

  on and they said well your little scary [TS]

  and the thing about your sense of humor [TS]

  about yourself is that you really like [TS]

  to be right about what everybody else's [TS]

  deal is and you are [TS]

  ninety-four percent right about what [TS]

  other people's deal is which is amazing [TS]

  but then you are very reluctant to not [TS]

  also be ninety-four percent right about [TS]

  yourself [TS]

  oh and I was like uh huh and I'm now I'm [TS]

  really thinking now there's like now [TS]

  there's the smell of burned plastic and [TS]

  it's a very thoughtful response and they [TS]

  said you know you have a sense of humor [TS]

  about yourself but if someone else makes [TS]

  an observation like you yourself can you [TS]

  because you know yourself very well you [TS]

  say very knowledgeable things about [TS]

  yourself and laugh and we're all meant [TS]

  to laugh with you because we all have [TS]

  Stockholm Syndrome but if someone else [TS]

  says something about you that doesn't [TS]

  match up with what you think you already [TS]

  know [TS]

  yep there's a long and cold period that [TS]

  no one wants to be inside [TS]

  and I was like hmm [TS]

  [Music] [TS]

  and they said I'm starting to feel that [TS]

  cold feeling right now as we watch down [TS]

  the street and I was like well [TS]

  interesting observation I don't give you [TS]

  that sense here about yourself in the [TS]

  true sense of the word you go [TS]

  holy shit you're totally right well [TS]

  without going to causing you would go [TS]

  you're absolutely right oh my god in [TS]

  such a dingus what a great way to put [TS]

  that well and and that's what I'm that's [TS]

  what i was working toward right i mean [TS]

  it was very much true i repair have [TS]

  prepared to seem good-natured about the [TS]

  I i will allow the court will allow this [TS]

  objection [TS]

  uh-huh and so I'm walking I'm like now [TS]

  does this mean I'm thinking to myself [TS]

  does this mean that I that I is this one [TS]

  of the definitions of a sense of humor [TS]

  about oneself when somebody else says [TS]

  here's the floor in you and you go haha [TS]

  right and and because there are other [TS]

  definitions right like I'm I'm certainly [TS]

  capable of saying like boy am i a dummy [TS]

  but there's an element of that which is [TS]

  diffusing other people's criticism right [TS]

  because i get to set the terms of of how [TS]

  i'm a dummy and by saying it before [TS]

  anyone else can say it i retain control [TS]

  over it [TS]

  yeah and so I'm walking along I'm like [TS]

  where you're like you just kind of 11 [TS]

  does that you're setting the boundaries [TS]

  for it and you're also one is bringing [TS]

  exactly the cattle you want to bring in [TS]

  to fill that area [TS]

  yeah your video nobody nobody else is [TS]

  allowed to drop in some cheap there [TS]

  because that's that's that's a classic [TS]

  funny funniest person thing is its humor [TS]

  becomes a form of self-defense because [TS]

  you get to sort of inoculate yourself in [TS]

  a way that you choose to MH but then [TS]

  somebody else does it [TS]

  mhm so I you know but I want this thing [TS]

  you do that so people look at other [TS]

  people other people i want to be [TS]

  somebody that has a bit people think [TS]

  like he's got a great sense of humor [TS]

  about himself what a light-hearted [TS]

  carefree guy but but but what's [TS]

  confusing to me is that when other [TS]

  people try to describe me [TS]

  because all this was one of the things [TS]

  this is one of the things one of the [TS]

  reasons I brought it up I was like you [TS]

  know no one ever does me the favor of [TS]

  like dropping some science on me about [TS]

  me right like no one ever likes walking [TS]

  along as like you know what your problem [TS]

  is like I'm living members literally [TS]

  kind of asking for and that but but [TS]

  whatever this comes up I always hear the [TS]

  word scary in the first 27 words and I'm [TS]

  like scary scary that's not a scary [TS]

  isn't a thing I'm trying to be this is [TS]

  Carrie I mean maybe a little maybe i'll [TS]

  try to be a little scary you know I [TS]

  don't want to get walked up on by a cop [TS]

  in the middle of the night now you think [TS]

  of or describe yourself [TS]

  no you don't want to i mean i was a [TS]

  little scary you don't want to like sit [TS]

  down next amount of park bench and tell [TS]

  me to move my lunch but I'm not a man [TS]

  spreader you know scary was scary really [TS]

  mean but but it's kind of release code [TS]

  particularly among my friends you know [TS]

  so anyway I've been chewing on that [TS]

  quite a bit of that quite a bit like a [TS]

  one-way a how do i be less scary i'm [TS]

  just going to intensity here [TS]

  well so if they texted it to me if [TS]

  they've texted to me and included a [TS]

  picture their boobs it would have been I [TS]

  would've just glance right over the [TS]

  criticism steam and John I would have [TS]

  put a balloon full of of hot putting on [TS]

  a pencil it up in there John where are [TS]

  selling t-shirts for one more week we're [TS]

  selling t-shirts and one thing that i'm [TS]

  sure a lot of people were listening [TS]

  along to this program waiting for us to [TS]

  say was this is our 200th episode [TS]

  yeah and i know you don't care about [TS]

  commemorating things because you know [TS]

  that about me [TS]

  you're not a numerologist where i sent [TS]

  you for text about yesterday [TS]

  well yeah but who who prompted those [TS]

  four texts you sent those texts Johnson [TS]

  excusa some of my wife but in any case [TS]

  that my girls here kissa uh yeah we're [TS]

  selling t-shirts that are amazing [TS]

  now as a way of you know I like where's [TS]

  our / [TS]

  it's right here in the form of these [TS]

  t-shirts people really liked the last [TS]

  time that we did it and we decided to do [TS]

  it again there's some money in this for [TS]

  us but they're also really cool shirts [TS]

  so you know you can go to come you're [TS]

  calm or you go to show notes for this [TS]

  episode which are at Roderick [TS]

  I don't make this too long but here's [TS]

  the thing if we don't mean no matter how [TS]

  much you say this people are gonna hate [TS]

  you either gonna follow you you say like [TS]

  we're selling shirts I know like here's [TS]

  the thing like tuesday next Tuesday [TS]

  it's too late to buy one of these shirts [TS]

  and you know what's gonna happen there's [TS]

  going to be half a dozen people who go [TS]

  why didn't you tell me that you were [TS]

  selling shirts for exactly two weeks i [TS]

  would have bought one that's right [TS]

  I've been waiting for years why didn't [TS]

  you tell me they take it as a personal [TS]

  affront so I'm trying to forestall that [TS]

  even though I'm like the TSA guys on [TS]

  everybody take out their liquids I know [TS]

  there's no point i know there's going to [TS]

  be people in a bazooka launchers and [TS]

  like a skin of wine I'm just trying to [TS]

  tell you if you want to get a shirt my [TS]

  sound angry [TS]

  you know one of our sugar i know you're [TS]

  a little scary right now maybe a little [TS]

  scary aren't I think about the guys in [TS]

  the porkpie hats that are driving [TS]

  Lambrettas in Pennsylvania and the fun [TS]

  that those guys are having in there in [TS]

  the t-shirts that they bought right [TS]

  think about if you are someone in New [TS]

  Zealand who formerly was not aware of [TS]

  how many rhetoric on the line listeners [TS]

  there are new zealand now put on a [TS]

  t-shirt with some doing Rays who walk [TS]

  around in Christchurch or wherever [TS]

  Wellington and watch the people flock to [TS]

  you all saying how ru Raja calor fan [TS]

  because everybody feel it is a cockney [TS]

  chimney so obvious but maybe taking a [TS]

  Pepsi challenge girls have your work now [TS]

  and our work this pattern lifestyle list [TS]

  in this is the thing when i meet you [TS]

  will meet other people when you wear a [TS]

  Roderick online sure i can tell you [TS]

  because I i frequently wear one when [TS]

  it's cold and I'm I I I meet people you [TS]

  will meet people you see stories and the [TS]

  thing is they're they're cool people [TS]

  because there nobody who listens to this [TS]

  show is a dork [TS]

  even if you don't want to meet people [TS]

  even if you have social anxiety [TS]

  this is a perfect way to meet people in [TS]

  a way that communicates I [TS]

  amerock on the line listed doesn't know [TS]

  what I mean like to me to tell me [TS]

  another shirt more people are going to [TS]

  be more tolerant of whatever your [TS]

  introversion thing is right right [TS]

  it's not it's not an invitation to a hug [TS]

  right it's an invitation to as synchro [TS]

  ICU [TS]

  that's right i see you crow uh-huh so [TS]

  you go to you get there but I [TS]

  was just going to rock you [TS]

  have a week from today to get this so we [TS]

  would appreciate it if you would do that [TS]

  if you want help celebrate our Turner's [TS]

  200 episodes anniversary if it's [TS]

  meaningful to good 1776 it's definitely [TS]

  a different number then a good buy a [TS]

  fucking shirt yeah that's right do it [TS]

  yeah happy happy Anniversary yay happy [TS]

  Anniversary to Marla was anticlimactic [TS]

  haha [TS]