Roderick on the Line

Ep. 217: "Dick…AND!"


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  hello hi John hi Merlin was going oh

  good good good happy monday thank you

  happy mondays

  yeah um are you good

  yes you have any and exciting new Apple

  events well i'm reporting live from the

  floor here at the major apple event may

  be beating we have updated the terms of


  yes I've seen it it's amazing it's

  amazing that you agree

  what choice do I have whoa-oh what you


  I just agreed and you wouldn't believe

  what happened no you have to be a

  millennium to understand this breakup

  story you have to be a nineties kid to

  know how to use iOS 10 is tens need to

  send you some stickers

  listen I haven't upgraded yet know and I

  keep hearing about it

  oh it was problematic no no no the


  oh it's amazing like like Buddha and

  somebody says oh sorry i was just

  watching my phone like tell me my own

  future and I was like wow does it do


  yeah you're probably doing is just

  taking messages from people that say set

  with lasers be getting that were sent

  with confetti

  mhm no I'm gotten that yet i'm doing how

  r l talk about i'm walking down the

  street with people IRL who lurk durban

  yet on phone and it's like why you here

  even lurp more than you normally do

  it's fun it's really fun hey is that now

  let me ask you this is a resolution

  higher they increase the resolution from

  1028 peepees to 400,000 let's get the

  update you'll see it sets about 1029

  peepees uh-huh yeah you want to get as

  many cookies as you can on screen that's

  why it's waterproof the it's a lot of


  there's a lot of neat stuff this is uh a

  except for you who seems like poison

  with electronics it's a fantastic very

  solid update suit

  yeah that's the stickers are fun there's

  a there's a there's lots of stickers and

  and and then there's and there's an app

  you can get where you can remember your

  favorite animated gifs and easily add

  them from any of your devices really you

  can you can add gifts mm-hmm

  just click so I'm gonna do a good gift

  yeah well you know I've always this is

  minus thirty secret yeah always been

  confused by how to make and save and

  store gifts yes well the Photos app does

  not handle them well or consistently

  right huh

  but I don't even know how to begin ok

  I've tried to save some and then it

  saves it as like four thousand pictures

  no it's no good you know what that but I

  can never get it just play again

  mm there's some there's some writing

  encryption me and you know it's weird

  because sometimes you know i'll just

  copy and paste the link and sometimes it

  works and sometimes it goes to a page

  and sometimes but you know start up

  start off easy start easy easy that's

  what I'm gonna start start off do you

  back your phone up John I I should

  probably ask the software feedback phone

  up to me and do I back that phone you

  back that up

  ball ball ball ball and hip-hop song uh

  i think it is a reference to an idea

  back to the throne of part of ecology

  get a little plug or get a little iCloud

  back the phone up

  mhm have you ever had someone back and

  ass up to you

  oh uh i was at a bachelor party one time

  that I'd love to forget your hat now you

  know you even said those words I want to


  yeah i still think about it once a month

  and I i shudder at 10 what did terrible

  things at that and I didn't enjoy it

  spend a little more than I should it

  wasn't fun i iu we've been in a strip

  club together right

  yes you know it's not my thing I know it

  isn't you you i think i am probably the

  greatest I'm the one they should have

  dollars put into his underpants because

  it's quite a show to watch how

  manifestly uncomfortable I am and I

  can't even begin to hide it

  if i can recall correctly you sit with

  your knees together pressed together

  with briefcase on your lap and I don't

  mean like flat on your lap I mean

  standing up like popcorn yet with your

  hand that's what your hands on the lock

  yeah just waiting for the waiting to

  look looking through the gloom for an

  exit time

  yeah if it's a lot like my posture from

  my early days of going to Amateur improv

  shows right just kind of have this this

  rictus of a smile on my face as i gently

  rock back and forth haha alright I'm

  gonna need something you find about room

  and it's a topping and while we can

  comfortably now to know my god you know

  dick jokes are funny just do dick jokes

  but i'll try to make that improv

  boop-boop-boop-boop Nick and go tell me


  yes you there do you do you remember

  your dreams

  yes you do yes you wake up in the

  morning and you remember your dreams i

  can remember my dream from last night

  and you remember it clearly

  parts of it there's an entire episode of

  the show John syracuse about this

  because he is utterly perplexed by why

  anybody would want to remember and

  record the SE calls it brain garbage

  that his dreams i'm intrigued by dreams

  i don't find meaningful but i'm

  intrigued by them like for example last

  night i was eating fast food and I had

  made friends with a comically large

  fuzzy bear and the bear walked in front

  of the restaurant was in and wave to me

  and had the voice of Leslie Jones so

  that's a nice feeling for me I like

  listen Jen dream

  why would you be pals with with a big

  grizzly bear the talk Leslie Jones I am

  I don't know that bear but yeah that's

  wonderful and it do dreams fade

  throughout the day so by the end of the

  day you're kinda like and it was a bear

  named chocolate Leslie Jones but early

  on me

  curious aj lee curious about this get a

  little bit i'm fucking really curious ok

  yes uh what happens is i will have

  dreams very intense training for what

  feels like a long time and then I wake

  up and I've been made a practice of

  trying to go back into the dream and I

  have a methodology that i use for that

  but to answer your question specifically

  yes it does faith through the day but

  Allah the phenomenon of 11 primacy and

  recency i'm not sure i remember dreams

  from the night before as i'm going to

  sleep sometimes

  oh you know what I mean not primacy and

  recency what it's called

  look at your local sprint I it's when

  you're able to remember a dream but no

  they must be fate sometimes I write them

  down and they're very very silly how

  successful have you been in pursuing a

  lucid dreaming strategy ec not very we

  should talk to our friend grant about

  this because I think grant made quite a

  study of this a long time and knows lots

  about it you're talking about grand ball

  for the floor

  yeah you south africa south african

  Germanic tribe and I have been very

  actually I hate to admit it because you

  know and I feel like we're getting more

  jalan territory a little bit more jalan

  ya but I I'm yeah I'm very interested in

  that idea cause probably it's I mean I

  accept the idea that what we call a

  dream I just as my daughter and is

  trying to describe like the you know

  that what what i mean by brain garbage

  which is that you bring you know your

  mom your mind is a brain is doing lots

  of filing and lots of people going out

  yeah if you're sleeping enough stuff is

  happening and the thing is it's not

  garbage in the sense that it all useless

  images but it is a fairly weird soon as

  i understand it fairly weird random

  synaptic mismatch like why did I

  suddenly think of this person that I met

  one time yeah 92 in a drunk drunk drunk

  in bed spring garbage that fascinated by


  did you ever work in her in like a in a

  job where you filed things

  yes right you're good at this you could

  always find amazing lots file yeah i

  could write amazing class file well I

  just think of it as like files files

  files on you know its files all the way


  mvi find it there's certain kinds of

  things i think this is one way in which

  you and I

  are probably more alike than different

  there are certain kinds of what other

  people consider mindless tasks that I

  really enjoy i enjoy sorting Legos

  oh yeah always black just sit just when

  you just said that yeah I realized that

  there's an emptiness in me how well we

  sort them all we sort them by size will

  sort them by color while we sort them by

  kit we sort them by how often they're

  used without sort of like the right

  that's lame I know but I mean we take

  the little things that could be used as

  lights are flowers and put them into

  this little of this little of tackle box

  that I don't have a zero this i don't

  have a bit of Legos so right now so I

  don't have a tackle box

  Oh as you know I have several several

  tackle box style boxes

  yes full of political pins and other

  things that probably many of our friends

  would consider garbage but these are

  your cigar box type system

  well except i have other i have larger

  boxes bigger than cigar boxes that are

  not meant for like tied flies exactly

  but like you but there but they are

  there are cut different from like

  somebody's a little wooden wall

  decoration where they keep all their

  symbols like we're not talking about

  like a like a box on the wall boxes what

  we call that doesn't look that good

  yeah some kind of display memento mori

  uh yeah I know you're very popular

  culture their ménage when we were kids

  those are very popular we had some

  friends that had 14 there late lamented

  dog and a photo and his favorite chew

  toy and that was on the wall

  yeah and the the symbol remember in this

  in the seventies people displayed their

  symbols or there you know the the little

  uns spoons right or the bells that you

  would get in truck stops yes

  gates you need a box for that stuff well

  this my collections if you if if you'll

  allow me he seemed not in those but in a

  similar like structure but it has a

  glass lid so so you can see the stuff

  but it's under glass

  and I don't mount them on the wall I

  keep them stacked Oh like you know like

  a like a modified little map rack but

  miniature I like the sound of that full

  of pins who but I don't have I have I

  have not solved the legos conundrum

  uh-huh because legos our thing obviously

  to me as they are to you and to everyone

  and I I desperately want Legos in my

  life again i think probably seventy

  percent of the reason i was excited

  about having a kid was that I could get

  legos back in my life

  it trains and legos trains and legos


  but when i go to the store to shop for

  legos when I go to the lego store to

  shop for legs when I make pilgrimages to

  lego places

  uh-huh i become so confused and baffled

  and dismayed by what i find that Lego

  stores by which i mean they're Shh

  fucking shit tastic expensive

  yeah it is they're entirely built around

  kit this brainless a whole like brand

  and marketing thing that like I I don't

  want to build an Eiffel Tower I want a

  box of legos and and then you can go to

  those places where they have the legos

  independently in bins they're like

  fourteen dollars apiece and incredibly

  costly and uh and so I don't know where

  to begin i wander around the lego store

  for like two and a half hours i pull

  things down and like if I took this like

  Lego princess castle apart would i be

  able or can you make other things with

  them and then I i leave empty-handed

  I've gone online yeah and I've said sell

  me your 1979 like like wash tub full of

  legos which is what I'm imagining IV is

  but I've never pulled the trigger on one

  of them

  are you looking more at first of all if

  you'll permit me I will I will gift you

  with something today i will send it to

  you through the Amazon like I'd like to

  do that for you are you interested in

  just a whole bunch of classic like what

  eight nubbin legos that kind of thing

  you want classic bricks you're not

  looking for a lot of Liberty tivity

  that's correct

  ok Oh was looking at right here it's a

  good one is the lego classic large

  creative brick box this is 790 pieces

  looks like a lock it comes with a lot of

  standard old stop bricks many different

  colors it comes with wheels

  it comes with screens it comes with

  windows and doors you can make houses

  that's nice but it's just a big-ass box

  shaped like a Lego that has 790 pieces

  in so okay i'm gonna give you that to

  start and I like to give to you with the

  classics and base plate on which you can

  build these things

  Santa blaze oh so it's sand-colored

  being the big green 12

  yeah but you'll also need to jerk did

  your daughter get into duplo at all

  well we did get into duplo and we built

  things out of duplo several princess

  castles as you can imagine yeah yeah we

  built she likes to build rooms and you

  know bedrooms and kitchens and garages

  and bridges but the duplos just didn't

  have the precision yeah well therefore

  you know they're for little hands

  yeah and then people started giving her

  lego gifts but they were like here's a

  like a like cool motorcycle mama she's

  got a she's got a dirt bike and this is

  a little it's like a little diorama

  right there's a palm tree there's a tent

  where she's spending the night

  there's a motorcycle and then there are

  50 tiny tiny little chocobo ball

  talkable upon little things like here's

  her little who's her little matchbook

  yeah I'm here's her little you know like

  her magnifying glass and sounds like the

  franchise called friends which is seems

  super lame but has some of the best

  weirdo pieces ever but they know they're

  always gonna say about to play was the

  cool thing because they lay

  no and they're awesome to delay the

  duplo and the with accommodating size

  pieces with bricks you can use your

  DUPLO and your Lego to get there

  No so if in our case we got it we got a

  butt ton of big bricks so if you don't

  have the base of your castle like your

  wall your fortification you could make

  that a duplos and then you can get sexy

  it up with you know turrets mom is crazy


  I thought the same thing occurred to me

  one day this is Lego I should see if

  this works now doesn't work for him it's

  gotta be the same size and everything

  they do work together it's it's kind of


  so are you still at a five-digit address

  starting with one

  yes okay i'm going to send you right now

  will be delivered today you're going to

  get the classic large creative brick box

  10 698 the classics and base plate and

  the classic green base plate supplement

  me i do that i mean that's that's that's

  wonderful it's wonderful thoughtful of

  you to do this just to try and solve my

  lego connect I'm not trying to solve

  anything I just want you to have legos

  because because you know here's the

  thing is ordered

  um here's the thing it depends it's a

  Sisyphean task let all things involving


  well I'm like everything i do i use the

  word Mississippi in 15 times a day to

  describe something I just did write it

  just keeps rolling back down synthesis

  of this is all the way down every every

  day I mean I'm so i should say she's a

  way of this color entire enter cock but

  warehouses professionally cleaned on

  Friday our entire entire living room

  table is currently covered with Lego ah

  it was professionally cleaned in order

  to make a clean a gar base you know what

  a kid loves to mess up more than

  anything a professionally cleaned room

  right uh-huh perfectly professionally

  clean the room and I want to I want to

  get to the Sisyphus but just here's the

  thing this it depends on I've said this

  before you know as you know I'm a

  Productivity to retire productivity cool

  i think a big part of success in one's

  career is to figure out what about one's

  occupation is necessarily hard because

  that is the reason as they say you get

  the big bucks

  is this part of it is necessary dip

  necessarily difficult and there's a

  reason that not everybody can or will do

  it like some people are really good at

  fixing automobiles and other people

  right excellent pop songs or

  what-have-you then you have to figure

  out the part of your job that is not

  necessarily difficult but you find to be

  difficult and can you improve that and

  the part of success is figuring out how

  much you can tolerate the stuff that's

  difficult but not making your job good

  how much this stuff is difficult to fix

  you see where I'm going with this

  I'm sorry this goes for parenting to so

  if you just happen to be a person who

  likes sorting legos but don't mind that

  it won't matter in 10 minutes that they

  were organized you're good to go

  problem is if you think that the the

  flower light nubbins should always stay

  in this drawer and you think you know

  what I'm saying

  pretty soon I was a guy in the lego

  movie and you're you put the kragle over

  everything right and then this guy over

  here yet this would die I would not

  tolerate racism i have of I have the

  ball in the course of time

  yeah basically evolutionary biology John

  i have personally evolved into a

  different species because of evolution

  right i have naturally selected within


  oh you talk about that the the hidden

  arm that that causes evolution you've

  been you've been armed and the Armed

  upon I think what I think it's the will

  of something that wants to evolve in its

  next-generation that wills that

  evolution to happen right that wills the

  natural selection to take place in a

  certain way by by virtue of choosing


  yeah so it's something like Lobster has

  evolved to that yet

  uh well a lobster is just a mosquito

  that evolved into a lobster em right the

  person skeet oh it's interesting at acc


  well it sort of it you know something

  some bug

  let's call it landed on the water was

  like nice and then said in the future I

  hope my kids can swim

  haha and then those kids were swimmers


  oh you want you want better for your

  kids yeah and then the swimmer kids were

  like what's on the bottom

  uh-huh one day I hope that my kids can

  swim to the bottom and then they did

  their kill you what I'm tired of having

  the the short life of my progenitors I

  would like my kids to live longer than

  me maybe upwards of a hundred years

  well somewhere along the line some

  mosquito I don't know whether it was

  intentional whether they just went to

  the bottom because they're looking for

  parole so who and then realize that the

  cold water kept them live longer

  ok or whether on the surface the

  mosquito the the the proto mosquito

  proto lobster I'm sorry yes post-post

  Skeeter proto lobster mhm said I want to

  live longer

  I know that cold produces longer life I

  said I sense it

  I'm going down Paul you know what I'm

  saying I'm going down one thing only

  I am broadcasting to you from California

  but I have a I have now established my

  mobile podcasting rig you sound great

  you played in also plugged in I'm

  plugged into the hole

  I'm putting the whole me gently you

  sound so much better this way

  and oh it all fits into a small bag into

  a small bag my entire podcasting

  operation now fits into my shoulder bag

  which goes in the overhead compartment

  move an airplane

  this includes your fancy podcasting like

  the open everything so it goes into a

  couple bags one of the bags

  actually that goes in the small bag

  because the bag small bag is very small

  whoo-hoo but one of the inner bags which

  is smaller is a an old padded laptop bag

  that you gave me one time back in the

  day when laptops needed to be ensconced

  in their own special bags yes that you

  needed to take out of the bag and then

  take this is it

  snap tab SF bags at wakefield like a


  welcome back it's kind of funny but it's

  not bulk repeal crow i think it was one

  of your earliest one sure a bag that you

  use when you had when your laptop was as

  thick as a paperback book

  whoo-hoo and and I find like a Russian

  paperback book like a beer that's right

  like a russian book a trade paperback

  who from Russia and 1890s trivia I and

  that bag actually does not it contains

  the microphone and the headphones which

  are in a separate small bag it all goes

  into that small bag which goes into the

  small bag i love a bag in the back

  that's three bats bag in a bag in a bag

  didn't say his bags on me down

  so here i am and i'm in california and

  it's all but you know the number of the

  number of opportunities to feel like

  Sisyphus in California who its

  exponentially more opportunities because

  they're all these people in California

  that I have to correct because they're

  profoundly doing it wrong yeah and and

  then i use that you i'm just guessing in

  the los angeles area i am in los angeles

  area however either but what baby they

  must be you must be exhausted John all

  is what we just what you see you go

  outside to get a newspaper pick up a

  coffee the kind of stuff that you're

  going to see people walking around and

  acting like that is normal or acceptable

  behavior it's insane you could if you

  tied a copper wire around the top of the

  first man bun you saw who

  and then as you walk your spooling cop

  I'm very thin copper wire as you're

  walking every time you saw a bun on a

  man-woman a top bottom i'm talking about

  not a back button sure you wrap the

  copper wire one more time around the

  next one you saw and then you let those

  people keep going you're spooning wire

  wrap it around everybody you see for an

  hour and you know your your kind of

  trying to make somewhat of a loop

  uh-huh you run back into the first

  person you

  wrap that copper wire around their

  button one more time you made a Tesla


  I you know Tesla was on my mind as you

  were saying that that's like Tesla's

  dream right there right and it is

  happening in LA right now always

  alternating but you know that energy

  just bits tears and rain it's not going


  no one's nose harnessing the energy of

  the man bun circle

  yeah and-and-and you and there are so

  many man button circles in India of

  different things

  yeah that people could be taking

  advantage of here and there not so many

  I mean obviously I've made a big I've

  made a big to-do about how California

  coffee culture drives me crazy

  who but there are so many other things

  to be to be insane about down here that

  I can't even worry about the coffee pot

  I went to a whole foods in California

  last night very very interesting

  experience there was a lot more shouting

  everyone's angry my experience at whole

  foods is that everybody is very angry

  and impatient

  yeah impatient angry there were some

  people walking around to just be

  shouting which seems normal but then

  there were other people that were

  shouting at others it was just a very

  tense situation I was like hey man we're

  all Richie this is water buddy

  yeah just chill chill chill the fuck out

  you're paying 1499 a pound for salad bar

  i put on my cal just like everybody else

  well why are you upset yeah nothing to

  be upset about using a hot party those

  just just sell you macaroni and cheese

  and a boxing take it home

  how could he be mad about that how could

  you be mad about that Jesus Christ a $25

  for macaroni and cheese have you ever

  done that you buy hot bar rather that'll

  put a dent your wall you get to nice

  slice of meatloaf and macaroni that's

  like 60 bucks yeah you know back in the

  touring days Mike Squires used to he

  went through a phase where he decided on

  tour he was only going to eat food that

  was from out from the hot case in in gas

  stations so we would drive and we pull

  into a gas me up that's it that's a such

  a bad idea

  well this was it was my sister thought

  experiment yeah I was during Mike's you

  know period of like how much self-hate

  can I put into a basket up in mind that

  and so we pull into a gas station it's

  like you know everybody jumps out you

  can go get a bottle of water or you can

  go in the bathroom

  p get a coffee or whatever she could get

  you could get like what's that what's

  that awesome won the New York Times

  wrote about you go get that cheddar and

  sour cream ruffles which I've discovered

  are possibly the greatest food in the


  well I'm barfing at the thought shutter

  sour cream ruffle know he would go in

  against but there are known things you

  can get you do not need to explore the

  spinny meets he so obviously JoJo's


  jojo's are what time hot cases together

  and then you've got your community of

  jets it's just like everywhere is in

  every job is different don't think that

  it said that JoJo's are the same so just

  not ojos and then you've got your little

  like a in Toronto's or whatever they're

  not quite like it's not clear what what

  are their taquitos for legal reasons

  they have to call them like in Chile

  thus yeah so there's them and then

  there's egg rolls

  sometimes yeah right because it all goes

  in a hot case and a fried chicken

  sometimes you'll have just a like a

  German sausage and then all the things

  that get put into like a bread like a

  like deep-fried bond right sausage it

  deep fried sausage

  yeah and then the little hot wrapped

  sandwiches in tin foil chicken sandwich

  sausage sandwich

  translate sausage sandwich that fast

  that sandwich and completely awful

  that's that's that's making you think we

  just say it's fast and it's so Squires

  lived on on hot case for a while and it

  was like remember and the number but now

  they'll arrest of a supportive role is

  just like stop doing this

  I it was like that mcdonalds guy who ate

  McDonald's every day for a year except

  it happened way faster is all the color

  one of his face except for like red


  oh and he both gay

  in weight and also lost 100 right he was

  he was transforming for our eyes you

  came to smooth did it was a screw

  everybody was I don't think see you know

  one thing that we I think we talked

  about this we're having our we're

  Chinese lunch but I had this impression

  that especially when it comes to Asian

  foods that are served in America a lot

  of stuff that gets served as first of

  all yeah heavily americanized to our

  palates and tastes but also that it's

  the kind of food that you eat every five

  years at a wedding on like a tiny plate

  that you he would not have like all you

  can eat anything of like what gets

  served at those kinds of places

  yeah we yeah we did talk about that

  right now well my girlfriend who lived

  in China who was a vegetarian and she

  would go to these meals and they would

  serve like a big platter of you meet me

  parks or whatever and she would say you

  have any just like vegetables and rice

  it's kind of what i would prefer they're

  like what we would never serve an

  honored guest right the food that we eat

  every day it's against asleep on the dog


  yeah she's like no that's what i want

  just the food that you normally eat

  there like ha ha fat chance American


  yeah you're gonna get the we're you need

  our once-a-year meal and then you go to

  what I went to my favorite not favorite

  let's not call her favorite every

  Christmas Eve for the last dozen years

  my mom and I made a plan i made a made a

  pact a long time ago we were going to

  play Christmas anymore haha kinda like a

  family and we went to house of home my

  mom and I would go to house at home and

  then we would go to the movies like ten

  o'clock movie or something on Christmas

  Eve house of home we'd get some moment

  fried chicken or whatever you do and

  then go to the movies and your house a

  home on Christmas Eve you see all your

  Jewish friends

  right everybody everybody in Seattle

  that wasn't celebrating Christmases is

  in chinatown so it's a pretty fun time

  and and house of hong was the reliably

  bad chinese restaurant right it wasn't i

  do I know exactly what you mean

  yeah you wouldn't take your friends

  there if they were coming in from out of

  town you wouldn't go it's not a thing

  you go to on a regular it's just like we

  want almond fried chicken at

  eight-thirty p.m. on christmas eve

  there's no other place to go

  we went to a song the other night

  because it was my birthday and my sister

  want to meet wanted to take me to the

  House hall we went and it has changed

  hands over and everything about it is

  different and like that the old menu had

  400 things on and the new menu has 40

  things on and they came and they were

  all no good huh

  and you think that's disappointing I

  mean if they were it was always meant to

  be no good but their network in the

  passage of time by the little things

  that go away like that

  yeah like whatever you remember house of

  all remember all the Christmases weekend

  I was talking about this just this one

  let's take you up and talking about just

  this week where there's like all these

  restaurants that we used to go to on a

  regular basis that are just they're just

  gone and it's such a tiny thing but

  still I call me and i miss the hofbrau

  yeah sure i miss you know the little you

  know the little man's gone I told you


  no yes the dim sum is gone well i know

  we we walked by there are sure our

  crafts yeah now it's now it's like asian


  yeah we saw that go down and we were

  like hey I think we actually walked in

  and said when we did I forgot about you

  know what we were high on house Trotter

  yeah whatever little bit but having a

  little me they were like what happened

  to the cats in the kitchen good time

  time time to change

  get in the kitchen so what is there is

  the asian bistro now we wash our hands

  of a nice day

  corrects yeah I I'm stories etc tours

  etc hasn't been around for 25 years I

  still miss it

  little stories etc was was a was the the

  place that every single hipster on in in

  Seattle had bread

  first on saturday and sunday mornings

  there were very few hipsters then so

  they could all fit in one restaurant

  that's convenient but I had that I had

  that experience one time of walking down

  the street somebody that i vaguely knew

  bumped into me and said hey come and

  have breakfast with me at stories etc I

  was like sure didn't you know definitely

  know that person but have good feelings

  about that who went in and they were

  meeting two friends both of whom were

  like the very charming pretty young

  girls i was a young man at the time

  mocha we sat down at the table and I

  just had one of those magic mornings i

  was i was hungover right so I had that

  halo magic

  yeah that can sometimes be upon a person

  when they're hungover second loss a

  special extra drink because he get a

  certain kind of the department toward

  the world that can be that can be kind

  of nice can be kind of relaxing too kind

  of house you down a little bit and this

  was one of those mornings it was just

  like that that time when you walk into a

  bar and your pool game is just on top

  and you're just school and everybody in

  pool and you're chill about it and so

  everybody in the bar is just loving you

  by the end of the night because you

  can't miss but you get but you got

  nothing invested in it because you're

  like I've never seen this before but

  you're not but you don't give your

  secret away either who just like one

  play another game pow pow

  it only lasts the spell is very brief

  yes last for one night but this was one

  of those mornings where i sat at this

  table and I just I actually charmed the

  clothes off of all three of these people

  in the restaurant is it was JJ contends

  what's called it was a Tory zeg cetera

  ok alright and and by the end it was

  clear that I could take these three

  people anywhere and have them do

  anything and instead i stood up at the

  end of a lovely meal and said this has

  been lovely to loo before and they said

  wait wait don't go

  and I was like I must do I must turn on

  boom and endo and waltz away and I

  always thought back to how my life would

  have gone differently if I had just

  either taken them sliding doors were

  gone with them yes and instead it was

  just like this has been perfect

  I do not want you to know that I'm not

  this perfect all the time right and so

  before I say the dumb thing that I

  surely am about to say before I ruin

  this before my hangover wears off and

  all of a sudden I'm talking to you about

  a world war 1 i'm going to float off and

  you will always hopefully look at the

  drinking fountain and remember me

  I still do that you still remember my

  friend explore Kelly I'm gonna start

  doing that other people because it

  totally works

  yeah it does it's crazy oh my goodness

  but you're like--you're ultraman except

  they can't see your bling chest and you

  know the clock is running

  you gotta go because he may be a little

  bit george costanza but you know that's

  it you've done the best you can it's all

  gonna be downhill from here

  get out yeah that's right anything as if

  I keep talking i I'm gonna lose my cool

  right if I keep talking eventually

  you're going to look up at the cool

  barometer and the winds will have

  changing up and the and a new and

  depression will have moved in

  uh-huh and you're like wool my joints

  hurt all of a sudden and it's because

  this guy that I thought was amazing has

  been talking about the battle of the

  somme the thing though a lot of

  civilians might understand if you've

  never been charming in a restaurant is

  that once you've set that high bar it's

  extremely disappointed people when you

  fall off because didn't actually hate


  it isn't that they go back to neutral

  feeling it they really hate you after

  that I think I i'm pretty sure i've told

  you the story about a the time another

  charm night when i was walking along

  with some friends and for some reason i

  was in a suit my friends weren't and

  there was an up pizza parlor that was

  also an art gallery and it was closed

  but the lights were on and music was

  playing and we walked by and sort of

  just walked in Walt's to and there were

  half a dozen girls in there who worked

  at the pizza parlor was just kind of


  playing some music having a in wiping

  down tables or whatever and we came in

  and and they said we're closed and we

  were like yeah we know we just heard the

  music and thought we'd pop in and they

  were like oh and somehow right away we

  were all dancing

  Wow and this is like a this is like a

  nineties film

  yeah it was like instant dance party and

  we're dancing and the girls are dancing

  we are dancing all you know and spray it

  with some music that I would never ever

  ever have danced to it like mo beers and

  one of the girls is someone that I had

  seen for years and been intrigued by in

  the neighborhood on come on really

  yeah she played bass in a band she had

  her hair her hair was like wild and

  tangled and teased up kinda but not

  teased up uh what he teased up in a way

  that gave the impression that she never

  called it not that she had ever worked

  on it for a second man she looked like a

  lori petty oh except with big hair

  chimney and we're dancing and dancing

  and and like I'm in a suit up like a

  pinstripe suit but I've got like group

  crazy dance moves i'm back in that ass

  up right and left the music's loud and

  my friends are doing it to my friends

  are into it too and my friends are you

  know my friends normally are like we can

  all agree on cheese or whatever they're

  not like dance speed that this

  spontaneous dance party with some girls

  that work in the punk-rock pizza place

  ok so the whole thing's going like what

  is happening nobody can nobody in the

  room knows what the hell is happening

  and the and the girl the amazing girl is

  now dancing where she's like she's

  dancing with me right she separated me

  from the herd a little bit oh man she's

  like cleared out the space around us so

  we're not it's not just like seven

  people dancing with each other it's like

  now we're dancing and at a certain point

  and I'm just like dancing and she's

  dancing and she leans in and she goes

  who are you and you ready are you ready

  for this yeah very comfortable mean like

  up till now this is this is unheard of

  everything everything's coming up

  Roderick she says she says who are you

  like whispers over the loud music in

  over my in my ear

  who are you and I go like sort of like

  super chill face I shrug and go about

  i'm about to say I don't you know I

  don't know myself I don't know myself

  Who I am and she she like steps back

  waiting for the answer to her question

  she sees me prepare to say i don't i

  don't even know I don't know what who am

  i and she and her face falls oh and

  before I say it she goes she mouths to

  me like with a super contemptuous face

  like oh I don't even know right

  uh-uh that's your that's your deep bro

  answer that's your like and I was just

  like dead to rights right i mean my

  pants basically fell to the floor

  the spell was broke and make the magic

  just fell off the suit

  yeah because she deposits fucked up

  because you paused she looked and she

  looked at me when I'm pausing she could

  easily suss out the the of all the array

  of things that you could say you were

  going to say something really dumb and

  she figured out before you said it

  yeah and-and-and she could see as that

  corny reply formed on my lips that I was

  not the person that she thought I was

  then you turn into a pumpkin

  yeah i waltzed into this pizza parlor

  started a dance party in the three-piece

  suit was an excellent dancer and like a

  and just like a fucking sorcerer but in

  my corn in that in in that one little

  moment of possible porn blue right then

  and the answer to that question is

  hi I'm John right that's the answer the

  answer is not anything corny you don't

  have to say I'm the wizard from the


  you just say hey I'm John you can you

  said i'm john and i am in my corn

  i'm john what's your name and fucking

  should we be married now that we've been

  married we really be living on a puck

  and original this episode of Roderick on

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  the great shows your world

  her hair is still be wild like turning

  turning a little gray yeah it's fucking

  tanked role and and and they're having a

  dance party a pizza parlor dance party

  on a group around the world

  oh she's got a little bit she looks like

  bride of frankenstein what kind and I'm

  so intrigued

  yeah and but but in that moment the what

  it was was my insecurities was revealed

  that that this was a night where I was

  playing a super cool game of pool but i

  didn't actually I was not actually that

  cool because of because i was a

  co-parent corny

  uh-huh and look this

  that's like me at the bachelor party I

  think about that

  yeah well yeah well shit that happened I

  mean I'm still drinking right that

  happenin man you still remember what

  that message is not part of your curses

  in that part of your Sisyphean curses is

  you have a pretty good memory for even

  stuff you did when you were pretty drunk

  when I was drinking I never blacked out

  I never blacked out and I very seldom

  vomited I that was part of the part of

  you know every every alcoholic is

  different right and I was one of those i

  was a battleship you can put all the

  booze in me and I would just keep like I

  was a I was a d-9 caterpillar like I

  would just gurgurk and never blackout

  never forget a thing so I saw although i

  was i was at every horrible bachelor

  party where everybody was a bachelor

  right there was no one was getting

  married anywhere i was just awful times

  and and all the blood the the

  blessedness that is that that quality

  and most people where they wake up the

  next morning they're like would happened

  last night I was like I'll tell you what

  happened what's in here all morning

  thinking about it is a fucking bloodbath

  happened like I never went to sleep

  because I'm just sitting here but

  replaying the whole it's a nice feeling

  and and there's a lot of that stuff is

  still with me right i mean i remember i

  laid down in an alley one time because i

  couldn't walk any further and I was like

  this is a knife

  Ali is probably no cars are coming down

  here on little sleep a little bit little

  sleepies little sleepers and I laid down

  in the corner of this alley which was

  absolutely full of rats it like we're

  like I found the probably found the

  place where people pissed the most often

  for the last hundred and twenty years

  curled up there but in my moment was

  aware enough that i took my glasses off

  and folded them and put them on my night

  table which was a pile of garbage and

  when I woke up an hour or two later

  now it because in the middle of the day

  this isn't this isn't like it two in the

  two in the morning

  this is two in the afternoon

  wake up in this hot garbage strewn

  piston Ali's I'm like yeah it was

  refreshing sleep

  do-do-do-do-do birthday purchasing at ya


  still she absolutely shitfaced I stand

  up and off I go down the street drip

  interpreter but i forgot my glasses are

  still on your nightstand so my


  my vision is blurred enough already that

  I that it's not like whoa I can't see

  I'm just like we were purple and I gets

  wherever somewhere the next place and I

  go wash at my glasses and we're going up

  turn around pick our perp corporate lurp

  back to the alley classes are gone now

  no one uses who steals a pair of garbage

  class and these were glasses that I had

  made because a friend of mine worked as

  a like an orderly at the hospital and

  they and he came home and he was like

  there's a program at the hospital at

  where they make glasses free for poor

  people and I was like that's me and so I

  had I went because I didn't have glasses

  at the time and then went and had my

  glasses made and they were amazing

  because this was an era where I think

  you remember this time sometime in the

  nineties where all of the shop classes

  and like government-issue glasses that

  they made in the in proliferation back

  in 1961 they were all just like 25 cents

  apiece and this government program to

  make glasses for people had the these

  incredible fifties style like black on

  top clear on the bottom

  all right out like a style that would

  become it's almost like that with the

  column in in England NIH classes

  yeah then became kind of fashionable

  like Morrissey glasses that's right yeah

  and it was a pain where those you know

  those glasses were fashionable because

  they were they were cheap but you know


  free but I lost that pair of glasses and

  who would pick up that would pick up a

  pair of glasses from that fucking pistol

  i don't know probably somebody else they

  stopped by to sleep there or maybe it

  was the little bird maybe it was the

  song is somebody else's bed and that was

  their nightstand

  yeah that could be with all these

  glasses doing on my nightstand

  that's my pilot these will do but that's

  simply click but like that scene in the

  new adventures in babysitting

  oh where the girl takes her glasses off

  and then the little homeless lady comes

  by and put someone is like I can see and

  walks off and then the girl can't then

  she can't really do remember every she's

  stuck in the bus station

  no offense to babysit that sounds like a

  big part of the adventure it well but

  it's but she's just a like a she's a

  tertiary character i sees the one that's

  like in she's she's the emergency

  meeting that causes the babysitter to

  take the kids into chicago I'll see I

  don't know this story so she's the

  MacGuffin she's the MacGuffin so they

  have to have to leave have to leave the

  comfort of their suburban like John

  Hughes neighborhood huh

  and she has to take these three

  irascible kids

  oh one of them the oldest the little boy

  is younger enough than her that he needs

  a babysitter

  yeah he's old enough to be in love with

  her I know that one and then the little

  the little girl is a she's you know not

  very old six or something seven but

  she's in love with four but the

  comic-book care who and so she spends

  the whole movie in love with or until

  she finally meets Thor in the in the

  person of a auto mechanic in like the

  grittiest downtown chicago for played by

  wait for a tow

  so who is the actor that you least would

  think of as for well Sean

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  night sleep and first morning

  rock on the line follows fast so fast

  know it everyone cool huh they're gonna

  get somebody from a scar when death is

  on the line

  haha no its it again didn't I can't

  unsee it

  he'd still be super strong baby fucking

  Wallace Shawn I'm the great i would

  watch I would so like the Avengers with

  Wallace Shawn nest or wash on his store

  but Yuma character of of bump my my

  dinner with Andre yeah exactly

  ok so I'll try to be more realistic this

  is a movie it's made with the early

  nineties probably know it ladies but

  somebody you least expect it is an actor

  that I know

  yes okay uh you know I i can guess I'm

  just gonna jump right in

  go Vincent D'Onofrio it's D'Onofrio huh

  it's an interesting career okay now I'll

  let myself look it up and operate at

  that very same moment was also playing

  the guy in Full Metal Jacket who was

  born again hard

  Laurel and Hardy had already been the

  bodyguard wasn't ours at the other guy

  that's the other guy that's the

  gamergate guy he was investing our free

  oh yes he was born again hard ones even

  before that he was in know he was in was

  he in them busy men in black was later

  using men in black with that was later

  but so you lose them to confuse out in

  baldwin and mrs. off you know what kind

  of ball one has that ball Adam Baldwin

  is like some kind of distillation of

  baldwin ism down to all the thinking

  seated fart

  yeah like it's all this stuff about ball

  one bald ones all the Baldwin ask

  characteristics but I don't like like I

  like Alec Baldwin despite all the

  reasons not to like oh gosh yeah i mean

  he's one of those he's an American


  yeah that's right but like all the other

  bald ones remember when the Baldwin's

  were a thing like all the balls are huge

  people talked about the Baldwin's as if

  it was a good thing that matter they

  were the lots of the nineties full metal

  jacket and adventures in babysitting

  both came out in 1987 is in the ya

  episode of the equal at two episodes of

  the equalizer has two different people

  using mystic pizza

  this is when he was still Vincent Philip

  D'Onofrio who and then what I next know

  him and he's in JFK I don't remember

  that he's in the player i don't remember

  that but if you look at him I remember

  him being Orson Welles in Deadwood if

  you look at a picture of him as for

  adventures in babysitting right and then

  you look at a picture of him as the

  board again hard character same same

  year huh

  you realize that Vincent D'Onofrio is

  greatest American huh

  oh my goodness look at oh my goodness

  look at him and then and then he ends up

  on CSI

  but you know a like new brunswick or

  whatever the rights on the show we tilt

  his head a lot but there is thats is

  that's that that's where he got his

  start as he's wearing a blue like

  undershirt and he's got long uh like

  very blond hair and a red baseball cap

  baseball cap and he comes down out of

  some smokies guy he's carrying a big

  hammer little girl is like it's Thor in

  my store

  he's actually kind of mean who and that

  thought I mean to your door is very

  conceited that's how he ran into


  Oh see I didn't know enough about for ya

  when i watched adventures in babysitting

  together now it makes sense that thought

  when we watch The Avengers my wife

  turned to me and said stories basically

  every guy i tried to avoid at parties at

  santa cruz oh sure you know and so the

  drama thora story is very conceited he

  felt pretty positive that he was going

  to be the heir apparent to Odin and then

  he got really conceited and that's when

  he took away my owner and he said he

  said you can have your stripping of your

  powers I'm gonna go to earth and you're

  going to be you're going to be a

  slightly disabled doctor he was a doctor

  that which is nice

  uh but he's he's stripped of his power

  instead of his powers he has to earth

  then he has he figured something out

  something something he redeemed himself

  he continues to be a doctor he's got it

  he's got a can be

  as he has a walking problem when he

  smashes his cane really hard on the

  ground it turns into mill near any meat

  come store i see that's what we used to

  do more transformation of the

  superheroes and Mueller is the hammer

  mia yah mule near member Mia and Loki is

  his brother who is also bad

  oh yeah he's really bad news no see he's

  the problem the thing is Thor is a dick

  but look he is perfidious he's disloyal

  affinity is the worst kind of bad it's

  the worst kind of disloyalty for sure

  and so he's he and that's the reason the

  Avengers were formed fiscal okie who has

  these be basically is he's escaped from

  his mental jail that he was put in he

  goes to earth and he makes it look like

  a train is going off the tracks he gets

  into a Bruce banners head and so hawk

  goes to try and save the train but it

  looks like he's attacking the train

  doors are formed in the

  doors are formed in the

  circa nineteen sixty-one the Avengers

  are formed to go after Hulk because he's

  a bad guy so they bring a man because

  he's a guy who can send his hands all

  over the world to find Marcus you know

  I'm fighting hands right now California

  oh my goodness you know my sugar ants

  your you know my experience with north

  northwest and yes and spiders

  I am Legend in in the northwest as like

  a holocaust her but here

  yeah they're going to sink hole we ship

  the ends in Southern California do not

  kid around

  yeah when they come upon one of our

  waiters while they're looking for work

  well that's the thing that most

  beautiful and I ever saw them but ma ma

  maybe art they're the most here's what

  it is they were the most talented and in

  their own communities sure like the best

  entertainment began a small pond

  I'm looking out the window to people

  with buttons went by oh I've got my

  spool here but I can't get out there you

  know that they could take it probably

  they could probably power and iphone for

  a couple hours of those buns but they're

  not there is walking around but that's


  if you don't think about that if you and

  your significant other both have top

  buttons who how

  why wouldn't you tie them together once

  positive one is negative right why

  wouldn't you just run a little spool

  even if it wasn't metal wire what if it

  was just ribbin people already share

  headphones John you're going public

  transit and there's a couple Chinese

  kids sharing and sharing their ipod same

  deal here that wire could be i think

  it's in an electrical transducer or

  modem and that would be used for to one

  of these positive one of these negative

  and then that would generate enough

  power for the ipod with some leftover

  for the grid if you saw two people

  walking on the beach in Venice

  California they both had burns and they

  were both flying kites from their buns

  ok how would that make you feel because

  it would fill me with joy i would say

  here are some people here are some

  millennium not SS SS me up for a minute

  40 unit because the kite would be

  pulling the bun up i have been a speech


  oh well it's it's a it's it's it's

  it's a willful unusualness oh yeah yeah

  there's a lot of that but you're gonna

  find that in ann arbor 24 or all the

  other are but you gotta wear more layers

  their true true but like the willful I

  mean the thing about Venice i think is

  like the there the the the kumquats are

  thick on the ground here who you know

  what I mean like you don't have it do

  you remember when being a wastoid

  burnout seemed like it was a valid job

  yes right and that 1982 remember 1982 it

  was it was something to aspire to and

  you know we talked about the the origins

  of various kinds of Valley speak and

  serve talk i mean that that was some of

  that has antecedents in well in our

  group that kind of Lodi's but you can

  take burnouts I don't know where that

  came from Lotus but i guess because they

  got loaded but you get that you get the

  Judas Priest drawn your folder easily

  got a flannel shirt you fall asleep in


  you're always in the smoking area

  because yes high schools you have

  smoking areas

  yes and and not in your date will regard

  except you're not canadian women

  yeah when Gardner to canadian first of

  all and also like to whatever it like

  beckham hashers is that we call it up

  there commissures is that is that a is

  that considered a slider a slur sure I

  feel like hasher came later in Anchorage

  we call them stalkers stoners ok and

  stoner was a blanket term for any kind

  of sort of burner you know anybody that

  was anybody that was because a stoner

  would look at you and I'm not talking

  about like a like a sixty-five-year-old

  burnout stoner that's what they were

  that's what they aspire to but when

  you're 18 year old stoner yeah he's not

  really fighting

  I mean you gotta really to get kill

  those brain cells permanently you're

  gonna have to really stick with it and

  there was a there was a tremendous

  element of defiance right the stoners

  would look at you and say I choose

  nothingness right like I am

  this is a valid life choice mmm i am I

  do not care about your bullshit these

  men are nihilist honey trap right now

  and there's a transient me what's in the


  mm no no that was ever to Russell it's

  totally true and it was a life choice

  and it was it a contrary to what

  appeared to be it was not simply a

  reaction to straight culture it was seen

  as an affirmative stance

  mm and that i remember very distinctly

  mean we've all stood at the crossroads

  who and we've all looked down one as far

  as we couldn't tell where penned into

  the undergrowth who but there was a

  moment right where you're where you're

  thinking like Spicoli is the coolest

  character and fast times at ridgemont

  high perhaps that coolness is also

  available to me but Spicoli has made a

  life choice Spicoli is on a path Spicoli

  his reproach model with mr. hand over

  the end of the film does not mean that

  mr. hand has converted Spicoli to caring

  about the identity that would be a

  different film so different film i mean

  if the fact that mr. hand comes to his

  house in the way that he does and that's

  a wonderful turn but also the fact that

  you know they don't end up jumping into

  a pool together I like that a lot

  well and who is more changed quickly or

  mr. hand you know I never have thought

  about along you know what I mean like I

  feel like being around my time now is

  the one that's right mr. hand has as a

  as as izzy is is changed and evolved by

  the end of that but so I'm walking down

  venice beach and i'm looking around and

  i have this like wow this is there are

  stoner burnouts here that are from my

  time there are people here who who came

  to that Spicoli crossroads and they took

  the other as just as fair m and here

  this resonates I just sit there and

  smoke a doobie the crossroads something

  they came into the crossroads who they

  try to hitch a ride huh

  and they saw the devil and they said

  take me to the other side plank and dust

  my broom and so they're they're they're

  sitting around there walking around

  their fucking riding a unicycle and it's

  not just the guy that looks like Jimi

  Hendrix on roller skates and it's not

  like i sat down there the other day and

  there were maybe ten black guys about my

  age sitting around on the stone the

  stands around the basketball court and

  they were arguing loud about basketball

  teams from the eighties john who was the


  yeah and I knew all I knew everything I

  knew every name that they were saying

  and they were really up in each others

  face about it like you know what your

  guests and surprises the first time this

  has come up this is like your old all

  guys sitting on a stupid Turkey

  yeah this these guys I think probably

  have a version of this argument every


  yeah and part of the loudness of it is

  that it is a performance their conscious

  of being we are the Venice Beach

  middle-aged guys that sit around the

  basketball court and what we do is argue

  loudly about things from our childhood

  or whatever like Iverson you know

  they're just like screaming at each

  other the Celtic Celtics were the you

  know chelton melting

  I don't know my friend right now people

  think it's like like Apache Esperanto

  fortran any other languages is something

  are they teaching its young people are

  they bringing in are they bring in new

  people out work you have to be of the

  vintage to argue about Larry Bird yeah

  you have to care because young people

  just roll their eyes at him because

  there's been four or five complete

  iterations of like basketball culture

  since the since Michael Jordan like an

  old a black guy version is like slacker

  like sit around like like talking about

  scooby-doo this moment in time for my 25

  30 40 years ago you still like just just

  turning over because there was never in

  in their world right there was never a

  better moment not just in basketball but

  in history of a

  the Bulls vs the the celtics writer or

  LA right was the big rivalries or

  whatever l 118 lakers and the lakers in

  the celtics ya get magic vs Larry Bird

  and and so that was such and I that is

  just like cast in iron in my own mind

  and I didn't care about it like the idea

  that there would ever be a bigger moment

  in sports than that rivalry which was

  like so profound and I felt like I felt

  like you know turn around and being like

  well what about a you know the beauty

  jazz but the witch named still really

  gets under my skin

  the Jazz the chance yeah famous utah

  famous for its jazz scene right John

  Stockton John Stockton he played when he

  and the Bulls right well you want to

  play for the Jazz now and John Stockton

  went to Gonzaga where I want so he was

  on and Gonzaga was a busy with college

  as you know that's like basketball is

  the big thing for guns and I learned

  about you talk a lot about deadly


  yeah I learned about him because he's on

  several episodes of parks and rec and he

  used to play for the the Sonics that's

  right it was a long time ago and the

  sauna so in the early nineties right

  that was sonics heyday and these guys

  got into the Sonics they were they were

  yelling at each other about and I SAT

  there because I was loving it

  I did not want to be anywhere else and

  they yelled at each other about eighties

  basketball until they were yelling at

  each other about the Sonics and early

  nineties basketball which I still could

  follow along like I understood the terms

  yeah but so so waltzing around down in

  Venice IC IC the the the culture down

  there and like underneath the underneath

  the level of people selling a like

  Guatemalan pans underneath the level of

  in a sideshow Parker Parker ism

  the like whatever creepy like sub but

  like the real muscle beaches in santa

  monica right there but there's another

  muscle beach in Venice or like feel that

  muscle beach and having you exactly

  yeah like yeah it's the its earlier

  muscle beach feel like every answer

  Lysander's love the beach I feel like I

  want to send my remark because i have

  not been to Venice in a long time and I

  realized I sound like a dick

  there's there's a culture of performance

  to what those people are doing and now i

  feel kind of a dick that I said anything

  no no I because because I've been to

  Venice Beach in Venice California 1000

  times and I Drive down

  Albert kidney and I go to the beach and

  I walk walk around and I go there's

  nothing here for me and then I leave and

  then I came back and I did it again I

  was like there's nothing here for me and

  then I leave and then there's a Pinot we

  stop and get coffee and inteligencia and

  like I don't like this either

  for years I've been coming here and

  saying there's nothing here that

  interest me but now i'm here at more as

  a local and spending the days here and i

  find that there's their their levels

  upon levels but everybody a little bit

  of like and live in the suburbs are

  going to the mall

  we're going to the mall was its own

  thing you were not there to buy a dress

  shirt right you were maybe kind of their

  to get an Orange Julius but I freely

  went to the mall without a nickel in my

  pocket just to go to the mall and there

  was something that you did you knew

  somebody that worked at the squire shop

  it was kind of our version of cruising

  like like in a car like you walk around

  the mall for like three hours that's

  what we do that we just go to we would

  just go to the mall and that sounds

  somewhat similar

  this is the third place is the third

  location for people yeah i bought a

  bicycle from a guy i said i need a

  bicycle and this guy had a like a a

  rotten a rally an old raleigh 3-speed

  raleigh that I recognized immediately as

  a an older raleigh those are a British

  British bikes and so I said I'd give him

  a hundred bucks for it and he said okay

  and then I you know I did some searching

  did some online searching to try and

  identify the the raleigh it turns out

  it's in 1966 raleigh who which i'm in

  the process of sort of cleaning up and

  fix it up but so now I got this little

  this little vintagey sort of thing being

  kind of bicycle i look at David basket

  on yours

  I so i have a have a rack in the back

  and I'm and I'm i want to put a basket

  on it but i want it i want the runtastic

  to be one that you can put a bunch of

  stuff in right i want to be able to put

  a like a gallon of milk and a loaf of

  bread and stick of butter and be nice to

  be able to stick in a standard grocery

  bag without having to fiddle

  yeah i just put it in and it's like

  that's kind of a delivery guy Basque

  basak okay so i'm trying to find the

  right one so I haven't I haven't

  committed to it yet but so I'm riding

  around so now I'm a local right this

  isn't some dumb beach bike that I rent

  it from somebody who this is my quirky

  sixties like three speed British bike

  and so now I'm already feeling like

  what's Mike work you know going tonight

  am I gonna get a bowler

  yeah you know your that that's now your

  year you get that point where you gotta

  like oh you do i always want to sit on

  the side watch everybody else dance

  exactly it's gonna be a party i should

  get in there dance so yesterday i was

  having breakfast here in Venice Beach a

  guy rolls up ready for this motorcycle

  sidecar now what's in the side armor one

  bulldog that's right and what's the

  Bulldog wearing this is he wearing

  aviator helmet because this guy's got a

  he's got a pair of goggles really

  happened on the dog and and a

  handkerchief your next move around feels

  like something union where if he's like

  as you went down that path there was no

  way that wouldn't end with a bulldog

  just as an aviator so here i'm watching

  this guy gets up there and it's like a

  platonic form of Bulldogs exactly right

  it's a platonic form you know you might

  not put into to you might not put in a

  baseball cap that dog that dog needs to

  be an aviator

  what's so watching the whole thing

  unfold he pulls up in front of the

  sidewalk cafe where I meeting he talked

  to some people think they take his

  picture with the dog he looks like a

  normal guy he's not he's not wearing a

  sunflower costume right he's not Peter

  Gabriel he's like just wearing a jean


  normal haircut and but he doesn't come

  into the restaurant he's he's out front

  of the restaurant for a while talking to

  people it's not clear that he knows

  anything he saw somebody was like hey

  there's my friend pulling over and then

  he gets on the motorcycle and the dog

  drive off and it's like does he just he

  just touring all the restaurants it's

  like sunday sunday morning I've seen

  I've seen people who do that I've seen

  belly dancers that do that I think

  people who just go from place to place

  doing their performance ya doing their

  work and so as i said as i sat and

  watched him and i watch this unfold I

  was like wait a minute this is a this is

  a platonic form this guy has chosen to

  be that guy

  the motorcycle with the Bulldog with the

  sidecar with the goggles sky he didn't

  invent this this is a this is the thing

  that we all these days as the hint has

  the hinges would say he's an avatar

  he's an avatar right he is the he is the

  mark twain impersonator but right now in

  Venice California he may be the only one

  he may be the guy and if I were 19 years

  old it's like a century 21 franchise say

  a limited to certain territory this is

  what I wonder what does he do if he's if

  he rides up in venice beach and there's

  another guy with a motorcycle with a

  sidecar with a bulldog with goggles

  like what if you want to be the parent

  guy there's already passed apparent what

  you want if you want to be talks about

  the deficit guy you're gonna have to go

  to tell if he dresses like Mark Twain

  guy there's a very good chance there's

  already a dresses like Mark Twain guy or

  what if you're Jimi Hendrix on roller

  skates guy like there's been a jimi

  hendrix on roller skates on venice beach

  for 40 years

  is it the same guy the whole time does

  he play guitar away skating he does Oh

  as an amplifier on his back and he's a

  good piece

  good enough guitar player that you

  identify the guitar parts as Jim

  Henderson Jimi Hendrix Ian but does is

  it the same guy does he anoint the next

  guy did you try out for that job when

  the when the guys ready to retire but

  but the motorcycle guy I was like which

  element came first right did he have the

  bulldog and then he said hey haha i'm

  gonna put goggles on you and then he was

  like wait a minute

  yeah this feels right to me and then he

  bought a motorcycle with a sidecar or


  did he have a motorcycle and then he was

  many felt like you know I've always

  wanted a sidecar because i was a I was a

  motorcycle person and I wanted a sidecar

  until guess it went motorcycle for a

  long time

  Bulldog for some time oh he strapped on

  a sidecar and that point it's just a

  trip to the flea market 222 deck out

  your your animal so you feel like he

  sandwiched his way into it i don't see

  how it goes backwards we're watching a

  project runway where somebody made a

  pattern that was based on their own

  tattoo which I found very convoluted i

  think i think it's like I cannot comes

  razor thing like you know was like the

  order that way because it'll be very sad

  we started with chuckles you get back

  solving the goggles i looked at it and

  felt like it was very real possible my

  god a stoner burnout just walked by the

  front there

  I mean they're real here they look like

  they're that close yeah yeah like

  clearly he had no he was like.he he

  seriously was the dude right particular

  did ya just missing the sweater how man

  82 degrees or whatever but I looked at

  the motorcycle sidecar guy and I felt

  like the whole thing came to him in a

  fever dream

  uh-huh like tomorrow I like today I am

  myself tomorrow i'm going to set in

  motion a chain of events that will that

  will will transform me

  into motorcycle side darkside Bulldog

  guy right

  you know like yeah I'm thinking because

  last night I was a movie I watched for

  the fourth or fifth time which is called

  a blue to prove you think of deceptive

  practice and Ricky J think you might

  have seen it once or twice I have you

  know what should i watch it fairly

  regularly because it's amazing and I'm

  the toxin particular about his

  relationship with the kids wasn't

  charlie miller and I vernon and how he

  would go to the magic castle in like

  there was like this this like it was

  like Fagan they're like all of these a

  spy in the seventies they're always like

  aspiring young magicians who would hang

  out with these guys and like try and get

  the information and would never give

  away their know he totally messed them

  like one time according to ricky jay you

  know he indicated is an amazing thing

  where he throws a card boomerangs back

  to him and I've earned said I've done at

  39 times I've never been able to 40

  times if you can do 40 times i'll tell

  you this effect that you want to know

  and he did it and the 40th caught it

  behind his back

  just because he's a magic guy point

  being like they're all jockeying they're

  playing them against each other they're

  good grooming the magician's basically

  but like I wonder if something similar

  happens do you have to go an apprentice

  with somebody else's a motorcycle

  sidecar Bulldog man here's the piers I

  mean the thing that scared me

  I bet there's a lot you can get wrong

  and you might not learn for five years

  something you've been doing wrong

  this is what I'm this is what scared me

  yeah the guy first of all two things one

  he's wearing a denim jacket but it's a

  sand colored denim jack

  hmm I was like okay I haven't seen one

  of those in a long time

  it sounds like kind of a dad jacket

  little bit you mean like a classic

  Levi's but sin is that sandy color it's

  insane because then everyone kind of

  cold when Levi's was making sand color

  denim i think i do this is one of those

  but it's in Nice shape it's not like

  ratty it's nice second problem that

  looks like Tom Hanks oh that's nice and

  interesting wrinkle right domestic it

  looks like your heels i'm thinking it

  looks like one of the biker guys in

  pee-wee's big adventure right or maybe

  somebody like the machi brothers or

  somebody episode of the month

  he's got that wrong yeah he looks like

  Tom Hanks top to bottom

  oh my god likes skinny but sand-colored

  Levi's jacket I I didn't see his shoes

  but I'm gonna say like not boat shoes

  but in the in the larger than finally

  slip-on she didn't answer at all the

  whole thing was the dogs idea that guy's

  just catching up

  I think that's what I wonder i mean the

  dogs submitted to the goggles the

  goggles came off and on like three or

  four times just about every time the

  goggles went on the dogs just like

  didn't bat an eye

  huh I feel like the I feel like I feel

  like he saw a movie and he had the money

  to accomplish this task and like he did

  not seem at all like a roller skate Jimi

  Hendrix he seemed like a guy that works

  on the on the admin side of film right

  like all day long he's around

  he works on designing women or or sure

  another cut contemporary webseries yeah

  yeah he works on a show where the

  on-camera people are quirky and the

  riders are quirky and he's been saving

  for awhile

  yeah he's in it's something he's in the

  game right but he's you know he's like

  the second assistant accountant person

  hand and he's like I'm not going to get

  I you know I gotta get I gotta up my

  quick game here to play with the big

  boys in santa monica and the dog seems

  to like it but don't like sit the dog

  gets its all the attention in the world

  but he see in my head I thought and

  maybe I'm being a little little

  on-the-nose here I guess I figured that

  they would in my head there's ninety

  percent chance they're dressed almost

  identically m which is you know I think

  people do especially motorcycle people

  they like to look kind of the same right

  you know what maybe to you and your and

  your mall or it could be you and your

  crew but use a uniform you wear the

  colors I thought that would be kind of a

  cute thing if maybe they're just simple

  for you know it would also be funny if

  it was like there was a lot of the

  in contrast maybe he's Harpo Marx but

  the he would inhabit a certain character

  beyond the guy who looks like Tom Hanks

  yeah that surprised me

  yeah yeah yeah yeah well the Mets it's a

  world of surprises and they're not all

  surprises in the they're not all

  surprises in the amps sometimes they're

  surprises in the bolts hmm i mean i

  think i do yeah so you know you're used

  to being like whoa so many amps but it's

  like me it's not really the amps here

  who's it's the torque yeah that's right

  yeah I mean it's maybe he doesn't want

  to distract from the dog I don't think

  thats it hes he was soaking up that the

  dollar it really take turns people are

  throwing dollars at the dog but they're

  going into the garter belt of the dude I

  get it I get it it's like that star star

  star 99 star-69 oh yeah its star 69

  rosemary Stratton what's in here and she

  demands and family we think of rosemary

  Stratton knows i'm thinking isn't that

  Gorge and there's good George Clooney's

  mom right

  Oh racetrack on my house my house my

  Grammy dress you like a dog

  hi i do not remember my dreams anymore

  yeah Oh at all you know what

  so you know you have on but you don't

  remember them yeah but i never have

  nightmares I never had bad dreams my

  dream life is like this wonderful

  wonderful landscape

  I can't wait to get there I love stand

  it's a good vacation photos right when i

  wake up the dream like in the in the

  moment I wake the dream is there and

  then it all completely gone with no


  Oh like just comes to dust and when I

  won't accept it except there's no like

  there's no death to it's not like a

  turns to subdue like crumble bone

  it just goes like not for you and what

  that does me learning somebody's first

  name terrible dot discipline yes i want

  to stress you out though you don't sound

  stressed by it I I always remembered my

  dreams I loved my dreams I tried to do

  lucid dreaming I got to two shots at it

  I gotta drive lucid dream to x wonderful

  wonderful nights I wish I could you know

  i wish i could go back and live there

  all the time remembered my dreams

  thought about him

  cherish them reveled in them I had a

  nightmare since the eighties probably

  Wow at some point in the last 10 years

  they just I just don't bring them into

  the into my waking life and there's I

  and I and I feel a sense of loss but

  also i know that my dream life is still

  ongoing and still very pleasant and so I

  have to just I guess surrender

  well that's that's that's kind of weird

  and said that maybe it's like dave

  eggers that's not for you not for me is

  like itunes reviews

  yeah these whatever whatever like files

  were were thrown around you know there's

  like 14 chimpanzees in a in a in a bank

  who they're just throwing files in the

  air and that's what your dream life is

  well I'd love to have that way but every

  morning you wake up the vault door

  closes and all you see is the lead last

  glimpse through the door of the

  chimpanzees for files you're like look

  at the book and then the doors closed

  near like what can I do I don't know the



  Jojo alright well